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Given the Opportunity Lindsey Graham Would Change the Very Fabric of Reality 

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“The first thing I would do would be make adjustments to reality,” Senator Lindsey Graham said in response to a question about whether he would support immigration reform again. Vampires are certainly powerful but this seems like an overstatement.


Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.


Gawker and Jezebel Liveblog the GOP Debate Episode V: A New Hell

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Gawker and Jezebel Liveblog the GOP Debate Episode V: A New Hell

Tonight at 8:30 p.m. Eastern, the 9 (??) top GOP candidates will take the stage for the 358th time to see who can scream “ISIS” the loudest. And we’ll be liveblogging every last tirade with the help of our sister site Jezebel. Because no one should have to go through this alone.

Will Trump show up in a nondescript military uniform? Will Ted Cruz’s flesh mask melt away under those bright, Vegas lights? And will any of the candidates reveal key plot points and ruin Star Wars for the rest of us? (Maybe!) Unfortunately, we’re about to find out.


Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.

Here's Carly Fiorina Bragging About a Maybe Classified Relationship With the NSA

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In the midst of an incoherent and incorrect rant on the recent history of mobile technology, failed technology executive Carly Fiorina recounted an apparently true story about how she helped the NSA after 9/11. Actually, it turns out that story may have been classified.

“Soon after 9/11,” Fiorina said during Tuesday’s debate, “I got a phone call from the NSA. They needed help. I gave them help. I stopped a truck load of equipment andI had it turned around. It was escorted by the NSA into headquarters.”

The moral of this story was that the government doesn’t rely on private businesses enough. “We need the private sector’s help because government is not inovating,” Fiorina said. “Technology is running ahead by leaps and bound. The private sector will help, just as I helped after 9/11.”

The former Hewlett-Packard CEO trotted out this tale in an September interview with Yahoo! Politics:

Fiorina’s relationship with the U.S. intelligence community dates back to the weeks after the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks, when she got an urgent phone call from then NSA director Michael Hayden asking her to quickly provide his agency with HP computer servers for expanded surveillance.

While he did not tell Fiorina the details, Hayden confirmed to Yahoo News last week that he needed the HP servers so the NSA could implement “Stellar Wind” — the controversial warrantless wiretapping program, including the bulk collection of American citizens’ phone records and emails, that had been secretly ordered by the Bush White House. “Carly, I need stuff and I need it now,” Hayden recalled telling Fiorina.

Fiorina acknowledged she complied with Hayden’s request, redirecting trucks of HP computer servers that were on their way to retail stores from a warehouse in Tennessee to the Washington Beltway, where they were escorted by NSA security to the gates of agency headquarters in Fort Meade, Md.

Last month, Motherboard reported on leaked NSA documents that seemed to indicate this exchange was still under classification, and that the HP computers were put to use in the NSA’s warrantless wiretapping program, codenamed STELLARWIND. “We asked for computers, we got them,” Hayden said. “Were some of them used for STELLARWIND? Yes.”

Later in the debate, in response to a question about whether tech companies should be forced to cooperate with government investigations seeking private information, Fiorina said, “They do not need to be forced. They need to be asked. I was asked, and I complied happily.”


Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

Birmingham Mayor and Councilman Get Into Fisticuffs at City Hall

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Birmingham Mayor and Councilman Get Into Fisticuffs at City Hall

In Birmingham, Alabama, on Tuesday, a city councilman and the mayor got into a fight, the Associated Press reports. A literal fistfight. They both had to go the hospital with minor injuries.

Police said Councilman Marcus Lundy is accused of the assault. Mayor William Bell was the victim. From the AP:

A video of the council meeting captures sounds of a man repeatedly shouting “No!” from outside the council chamber before the presiding member calls for a recess.

Members scurry past double doors decorated with Christmas wreaths toward the noise as the gavel slams down, and a perplexed look crosses the face of a man who was making a presentation.

According to a police report, Lundy attacked Bell in a room behind council chambers while discussing a city matter that eventually turned to a personal issue. The AP continues:

According to the report, Bell told police he turned and tried leaving the room three times, but that Lundy closed the door each time before grabbing him by the neck from behind and putting him in a chokehold.

Two of Lundy’s assistants came into the room to break up the scuffle but refused to give interviews with police until after they spoke with legal counsel, police said.

Council President Johnathan Austin said Lundy told him that he planned to press charges against Bell, who Lundy alleges was trying to get him fired.

“What occurred at City Hall today is a direct reflection of the lack towards the Council and unwillingness to cooperate,” Austin told AL.com. “We have worked continuously to move this city forward, and it’s a sad day when council members are attacked while trying to do the job that they were elected to do.”

He said the incident was a result of Bell’s unwillingness to cooperate with the city council: “This is a democracy, not a dictatorship.”


Photo via AP Images. Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

Ben Carson Spoke To Your Favorite Star Wars Character, Reince Pubis

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On Tuesday, Ben Carson said he spoke to Reince Pubis. Pubis—a plump, humanoid Jedi Master with dark red hair, and an affable scholar of Jedi history—should not be confused with Reinhold Richard “Reince” Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee.


Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

Five GOP Debates in Five Minutes: The Worst of 2015

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Somehow, impossibly, we’ve made it through five total GOP debates over the course of five months. We’ve seen spirits crushed (Jeb), lies told (everyone), and would-be dictators rouse the masses (Trump). At a certain point, all the racism, bickering, and stupidity just start blending together. Here’s a refresher.

Seeing this year’s best and/or worst GOP debate moments all together in one flag pin-studded monstrosity is terrifying on its own, sure, but remember—we’ve got seven more coming in 2016. They’re just getting started.


Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com. Video by Nicholas Stango.

After ruling last month that Northern Ireland’s abortion law “breaches human rights,” a Belfast judg

Donald Trump Has No Idea What America's Nuclear Triad Is

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Donald Trump Has No Idea What America's Nuclear Triad Is

Donald Trump, who claims to be the “best on the military” among the 2016 Presidential candidates because he is the best at everything, apparently has no idea what the nuclear triad is. The revelation came during last night’s Presidential Debate when conservative talk radio host Hugh Hewitt asked Trump a question about the need to modernize our nuclear forces.

http://foxtrotalpha.jalopnik.com/trump-s-crazy-...

(For those who, like Trump, have no idea what the nuclear triad is, that’s okay, we still love you, as you are not running for president. It refers to the American military doctrine of having land-based intercontinental ballistic missiles, submarine-based ballistic missiles, and air-dropped bombs, all tipped with nuclear warheads. In an atomic shootout, all three fulfill different strategic and tactical uses based on whatever situation is at hand.)

Oddly enough, a description of the Nuclear Triad was embedded in Hewitt’s question, yet Trump still stumbled around the question, making almost no sense throughout his reply.

The exchange went as follows:

HEWITT: Mr. Trump... Dr. Carson just referenced the single most important job of the president, the command, the control and the care of our nuclear forces. And he mentioned the triad. The B-52s are older than I am. The missiles are old. The submarines are aging out. It’s an executive order. It’s a commander-in-chief decision.

What’s your priority among our nuclear triad?

TRUMP: Well, first of all, I think we need somebody absolutely that we can trust, who is totally responsible; who really knows what he or she is doing. That is so powerful and so important. And one of the things that I’m frankly most proud of is that in 2003, 2004, I was totally against going into Iraq because you’re going to destabilize the Middle East. I called it. I called it very strongly. And it was very important.

But we have to be extremely vigilant and extremely careful when it comes to nuclear. Nuclear changes the whole ball game. Frankly, I would have said get out of Syria; get out – if we didn’t have the power of weaponry today. The power is so massive that we can’t just leave areas that 50 years ago or 75 years ago we wouldn’t care. It was hand-to-hand combat.

The biggest problem this world has today is not President Obama with global warming, which is inconceivable, this is what he’s saying. The biggest problem we have is nuclear – nuclear proliferation and having some maniac, having some madman go out and get a nuclear weapon. That’s in my opinion, that is the single biggest problem that our country faces right now.

From Trump’s response, it’s clear that he either has no idea what the nuclear triad is, or that he had no idea what the question was and just decided to go with some sort of free-form jazz riff on the topic of “anything nuclear.” But even after Hewitt threw Trump another clue, he replied with total gibberish.

HEWITT: Of the three legs of the triad, though, do you have a priority? I want to go to Senator Rubio after that and ask him.

TRUMP: I think – I think, for me, nuclear is just the power, the devastation is very important to me.

Adding insult to bizarre injury, the exchange ended with Marco Rubio explaining the nuclear triad in detail.

HEWITT: Senator Rubio, do you have a response?

RUBIO: I do. First, let’s explain to people at home who the triad – what the triad is. Maybe a lot of people haven’t heard that terminology before. The triad is our ability of the United States to conduct nuclear attacks using airplanes, using missiles launched from silos or from the ground, and also from our nuclear subs’ ability to attack. And it’s important — all three of them are critical. It gives us the ability at deterrence.

Now, some have become more critical than others; for example, the submarines. And that’s the Ohio Class submarine that needs to be modernized. The air component also needs to be modernized. The B-52, as someone earlier pointed out, is an outdated model that was flown by the grandparents of people that are flying it now. And we need a serious modernization program as well on our silo-launched missiles. All three are critical for the defense of the country.

BLITZER: Thank you, Senator Rubio.

You can see the exchange here:

Part of Hewitt’s question was not extremely easy for the average person to get. Most people probably don’t know about the ongoing need to upgrade each leg of our aging nuclear arsenal. The details include our land-based intercontinental ballistic missile systems, our airborne nuclear forces (which currently includes the development of an updated nuclear bomb and the Long Range Strike Bomber), or the initiative to replace America’s aging Ohio Class nuclear ballistic submarines, which are at the core of our second strike deterrent capability. But not even knowing what the nuclear triad is at its most basic level, or the strategy surrounding it, is alarming for someone who wants to have their hands on the nuclear codes.

http://foxtrotalpha.jalopnik.com/this-icbm-test...

It is also a concept that is directly tied to America’s ability to back-up the threat of mutual assured destruction, and is thus a major geopolitical staple beyond just a military one.

Maybe Trump needs to take his own advice that he blatantly eschewed in his answer above when it comes to selecting the next Commander-In-Chief: “I think we need somebody absolutely that we can trust, who is totally responsible; who really knows what he or she is doing. That is so powerful and so important.” Not even knowing what the Nuclear Triad is, yet alone having an opinion on which legs need to be prioritized when it comes to expensive modernization, may disqualify himself by his own requirements.

Photo credit: AP


Contact the author at Tyler@jalopnik.com.


New York to Torture Fewer People With Solitary Confinement

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New York to Torture Fewer People With Solitary Confinement

In the New York State prison system, it’s possible to be thrown into solitary confinement for a nonviolent offense, then kept there for two years straight, 23 hours a day with no days off. That’s exactly what happened to Leroy Peoples, the lead plaintiff in a lawsuit settled this week that will drastically reduce the use of the punishment.

Currently, about 4,000 people in New York are subjected to the inhumanity of solitary. The particulars of the punishment, as relayed by the New York Times, are chilling: Tiny cell, almost no human contact, years-long sentences, a menu that sometimes consists entirely of a food-like substance ominously referred to as “the loaf.” If prison aims to rehabilitate people so that they may successfully enter back into society, it is obvious that this isn’t the way to do it. It’s not surprising that people kept in solitary are more likely to commit suicide or otherwise harm themselves than other inmates.

Under the settlement, more than 1,100 people will come out of solitary, fewer offenses will be punishable by solitary, and nearly all sentences in solitary will be capped at three months—among other things, according to the NYCLU.

This is great news for everyone, except for those 3,000 people who aren’t getting out. If appeals to the prisoners’ humanity don’t move you, consider its impact on crime. Stints in solitary are statistically linked to higher rates of recidivism upon getting out. Keeping people out of solitary, just like keeping certain offenders out of prison altogether, actually makes New York safer.


Image via AP. Contact the author at andy@gawker.com.

The Fed just raised interest rates by a quarter-point, the first raise since the big recession.

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The Fed just raised interest rates by a quarter-point, the first raise since the big recession. They have to raise them so they can lower them again next time the economy collapses. Get over it. Move on with your life. You have a beautiful family.

A Congressman's Step-By-Step Guide to the Perfect Terrorist Hoax

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A Congressman's Step-By-Step Guide to the Perfect Terrorist Hoax

Yesterday, every school in Los Angeles was closed after the city received an emailed threat of a terrorist attack. Later in the day, the city of New York revealed that it too had received a “similar” email, but did not deem it “credible,” which necessitated that officials in L.A. explain why they decided to abruptly tell some 600,000 kids to stay home.

http://gawker.com/bicoastal-scho...

Today, Brad Sherman, a member of the United States House of Representatives whose district includes L.A., took it upon himself to do just that. He released a detailed statement—which you can read on his website—explaining the differences between the emails received by each city, and why decision makers in L.A. perceived theirs to be more serious.

The statement also conveniently doubles as a manual for making a believable threat against a major American metropolis, so here is:

Rep. Brad Sherman’s How-To Guide to the Perfect Terrorist Hoax

1. Research your jargon

According to Sherman, the hoaxer claimed to be a student of the “Los Angeles Unified district,” which he writes is “is terminology that someone familiar with the Los Angeles schools would use.” On the other hand, in the email to New York officials, the hoaxer said he was a student of the “New York City School District.” Sherman says that “someone who is actually familiar with the New York would use the term ‘New York City Schools’ or ‘DOE’,” which, given what kids do and don’t pay attention to, seems dubious to me. Regardless, the lesson for hoaxers here is obvious: make sure you don’t sound like a foreign nob if you’re trying to position yourself as an insider. This may be hard if you are indeed a foreign nob bent on spreading terror, but be vigilant.

2. Pick a realistic number of accomplices

Sherman states that the email to L.A. said the hoaxer had “32 accomplices ready to strike,” while the email to New York said there were 138 accomplices. Regarding the credibility of these numbers, Sherman writes:

To think that there would be a conspiracy in the Los Angeles involving 33 individuals, including the email author, without the federal government having at least heard enough to raise the threat level is somewhat unlikely. To think that there would be a conspiracy in the New York area involving 139 active shooters ready to act on a single day, all without the federal government at least raising the threat level, is not credible at all.

So pick a good number, and don’t get too greedy. It seems like somewhere around 30 is realistic enough, but you probably shouldn’t go much higher than that. To Brad Sherman’s credit, he didn’t specify the exact number of accomplices that seems most credible, but you can basically figure it out. 15? 20? Watch some old episodes of 24 and count the henchmen.

3. Always capitalize “Allah”

According to Sherman, in the email to L.A. the hoaxer forgot to capitalize the word “Allah” on one occasion. “A devout Muslim, or an extremist Muslim claiming to be devout, would be careful to capitalize the word ‘Allah’,” Sherman writes. If you’re going to play off of America’s generalized Islamaphobia, be diligent in your proofreading and make sure all references to “Allah” are properly stylized.

4. Don’t use a vulgar email address

Sherman writes that the email address used to send the threat contained “an obscene word for a body part.” A subpoena issued by officials in New York revealed that the email was sent using “cock.li,” a meme-y email provider popular among posters on the 4chan offshoot 8chan. According to Sherman, “no devout Muslim, nor a Muslim extremist claiming to be devout, would use” an email service that had the word “cock” in it, so while “cock” is admittedly a very funny word, you should ultimately remember that hoaxing is serious business.

5. Quote the Quran

Per Sherman, the hoaxer could have done more to convince officials that he was actually a Muslim:

The email does not read like any of the missives from Islamic extremists. It does not quote any portion of the Quran nor allude to any incident in the life of Muhammad. The author of the email does not demonstrate any understanding of Islam.

So read the Wikipedia page for Muhammad and Google some quotes from the Quran. That more or less seems like all you need? The standards appear to be very low.

6. Send the email at a logical time

Sherman notes that the email sent to L.A. was received at 10 p.m. local time on Monday, which gave officials a safe window to announce that schools would be closed on Tuesday. But Sherman says the email to New York was received at 5 a.m. local time on Tuesday, which would have made it much more difficult for the city to also close its schools. If you’re trying to shut something down, give those in charge enough time to actually do it. If you’re not from America, reference our time zones to make sure that you don’t send an email at 5 a.m.

7. Don’t say you have nerve gas

“The claim by the author to have nerve gas agent is not credible,” writes Sherman. We know you don’t have nerve gas, you little shithead.


Contact the author at jordan@gawker.com.

Arianna Huffington Goes Conspicuously Silent on the Union Issue

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Arianna Huffington Goes Conspicuously Silent on the Union Issue

When staffers at the Huffington Post launched their unionization campaign in October, Arianna Huffington said the company would “fully support” its workers and “embrace whatever decision they make on this issue.” She has a strange way of showing it.

On December 1, HuffPo employees presented the company with signed union cards from an “overwhelming majority” of 350 staff members, and asked the company to recognize their union (which is the Writers Guild of America East, the same union that Gawker belongs to). That was the point at which a company that wanted to “fully support” and “embrace” its employees’ wishes would have done one simple thing: recognized the union, and got down to the business of negotiating a contract.

Instead, here is what the Huffington Post has done in the two weeks since workers asked for union recognition: nothing. They have not recognized the union. More to the point, they are actually fighting against staffers’ request to have a union made up of 350 people. In a statement this week, HuffPo staffers revealed that the company is trying to cut about 70 of the 350 employees out of the union, claiming they are “managers and therefore ineligible.”

In reality, a company that wants to “fully support” its employees’ demonstrated wish to unionize has wide leeway to agree on who will be in the union, based upon the wishes of employees. Top managers who have the final say on budgets and hiring and firing are generally excluded from unions, but lower or mid-level staffers who have some “management” or supervisory duties—like mid-level editors, for example—can be included, as long as the rest of their coworkers want them in and the company doesn’t try to act like dicks and dispute their eligibility. (At Gawker, site leads and lower-level staff editors are members of the union, and the company did not fight their inclusion.) What HuffPo appears to be doing now is not “embracing” its employees wishes, but instead engaging in a classic anti-union tactic: trying to squeeze as many people as possible out of the bargaining unit in order to make the union as small as possible.

The Huffington Post can agree to allow 350 employees to unionize if it wants to. It can voluntarily recognize the union and begin bargaining if it wants to. It is doing neither of these things. In response to questions from us, a company spokesperson would only say that their lawyers are negotiating with the union. Employees hope that the negotiations wrap up soon, but no one can say for sure. Arianna Huffington, a woman who has grown very rich as a liberal media icon, did not respond to multiple direct emails about the union delay.

http://gawker.com/how-progressiv...

If this is what it means for an avowedly left-wing media mogul to “fully support” her workers, we may have to rethink a few things.

[Photo: Getty]

No One Believed This Girl Was Telling the Truth About Being Raped Until They Found Pictures on Her Rapist's Camera

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No One Believed This Girl Was Telling the Truth About Being Raped Until They Found Pictures on Her Rapist's Camera

In 2011, Marc Patrick O’Leary was arrested on charges that he’d viciously raped at least three women in the state of Colorado. In his home, police found underwear belonging to the victims, gloves and sneakers matching prints left behind in the victims’ homes, and a pink camera he’d stolen from one of the women. On the camera, among other things, were photographs of him raping a then-18-year-old girl, who had recently been prosecuted for filing a false police report about the rape.

The story isn’t new. In 2014, after O’Leary’s arrest, the 18-year-old victim—a young woman interchangeably referred to as “DM” and by her middle name, Marie—won a well-publicized $150,000 settlement from the county. But Marie’s account of her ordeal is new, and her story, summarized by Ken Armstrong and T. Christian Miller for the Marshall Project, is horrifying. How could a young woman get raped, try to report her crime, and end up pleading guilty to filing a false report? Apparently, all too easily.

Because O’Leary—who is currently serving 327 years in prison for the attacks—followed the same MO for each of his victims: He’d break into his victim’s home, tie her up, rape her, and leave with her clothes and bedsheets. He’d take photographs of him assaulting the women and would threaten to release them on the internet if they reported the attack to police.

While there would eventually be at least four victims in all (one of whom managed to escape), Marie was his first, and she filed a report with the police that very same day.

Then, three days after she reported the assault, the investigating officers—Sgt. Jeffrey Mason and Sgt. Jerry Rittgarn—called Marie back to the station. They explained to Marie that they thought she was lying and wanted her to confess. After a long discussion, she wrote: “When I went to sleep I dreamed that someone broke in and raped me.”

When the detectives returned, they saw that Marie’s new statement described the rape as a dream, not a lie.

Why didn’t you write that you made the story up? Rittgarn asked.

Marie, crying, said she believed the rape really happened. She pounded the table and said she was “pretty positive.”

Pretty positive or actually positive? Rittgarn asked.

Maybe the rape happened and I blacked it out, Marie said.

What do you think should happen to someone who would lie about something like this? Rittgarn asked Marie.

“I should get counseling,” Marie said.

Finally she wrote a second statement, apologizing for making the story up. A few days later, she tried to recant that statement, saying she’d been coerced.

Rittgarn asked Marie what was going on. Marie said she really had been raped — and began to cry, saying she was having visions of the man on top of her. She wanted to take a lie detector test. Rittgarn told Marie that if she took the test and failed, she would be booked into jail. What’s more, he would recommend that Project Ladder pull her housing assistance.

Marie ultimately left the police station without withdrawing her statement.

And then things got worse: She was charged with filing a false report. And to make matters even worse, Marie—who had grown up in foster care and was living on her own for the first time—did not have a lawyer. So she took a plea deal with probation that, among other things, required her to attend a mental health counselor for lying.

In the meantime, O’Leary continued to rape: First a 65-year-old fraternity house mother, then a 59-year-old widow. Then a 26-year-old student. He’d also tried to attack a 46-year-old artist, who escaped by jumping out a seven-foot window.

After a long and thorough investigation, detailed exhaustively in the Marshall Project report, police zeroed in on O’Leary. They’d had no idea Marie was a victim until they found the photos on his camera. One was a close-up of her driver’s license.

The two officers who charged her with lying were never disciplined, though Mason expressed regret for the way he handled the case, telling reporters, “It wasn’t her job to try to convince me. In hindsight, it was my job to get to the bottom of it — and I didn’t.” The police station says it follows new guidelines, among them: Investigators need “definitive proof” of lying to accuse the victim of filing a false report, and higher-ups have to approve false report charges.

But their actions hurt more than just Marie. O’Leary would later tell police, “If Washington had just paid attention a little bit more, I probably would have been a person of interest earlier on.”

[The Marshall Project]


Image via KIRO7. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

More than 181,000 people applied for 14 affordable apartments in Bushwick, Brooklyn.

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

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This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we go to the magazine store and buy Star, In Touch, OK, Life & Style, and Playboy (for a certain unnamed coworker who was interested in seeing what the magazine’s final nude issue was like), hand the friendly cashier our money (wow, Playboy is expensive!), and say, “Yes, absolutely,” when asked if we want a bag. This week: Star is boring and shameful, In Touch is boring and gross, OK! is boring and obvious, and Life & Style is just plain boring.

Let’s get started. Or not. Whatever.


OK!

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

KYLIE BETRAYED: TYGA IN LOVE WITH UNDERAGE TEEN

Kylie Jenner was betrayed by Tyga, who’s recently “been texting an underage model.” This should surprise no one familiar with either of those people, because the Kardashian-Jenners are constantly being betrayed by people and Tyga has a history of texting underage girls while dating other women. A source says Kylie is “humiliated” and that she “doesn’t want him anywhere near her right now.” When asked for an update 10 minutes later, the source was probably like, “Actually they made up and I need to go grab a juice, so...gotta go.”

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux, the couple I most enjoy imagining a deep and long-lasting friendship with, are adopting a baby! This is the 30,399th time we’ve heard the news, but I’m still over the moon. Jen is reportedly “dying to have a little girl,” while Justin is reportedly, well, no one knows about Justin because sources and insiders never ask Justin what he wants. And that’s a shame.

Tom Cruise hasn’t seen Suri Cruise, his daughter, in 976 days, which is coincidentally how long it’s been since I’ve seen my daughter, whom I also abandoned because of my commitment to Xenu and his teachings. But enough about me and my spawn who will never know true fulfilment or contentment, Tom Cruise is planning to reunite with Suri over Christmas! This is sweet, and something I have no intention of doing with my daughter, whose soul is certainly unsaveable. Good luck to the happy father and daughter this blessed Christmas! And, to my precious little one, please never try to call me again.


And Also:

  • Jennifer Garner literally can’t stop getting botox.
  • Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker literally can’t stop smoking.
  • Teresa Giudice literally can’t stop working out in prison.
  • Courteney Cox and Matt LeBlanc are literally dating.
  • Chris Martin is literally desperate to have Jennifer Lawrence back.
  • Cameron Diaz literally can’t stop writing books.

Grade: F (Your daughter chooses happiness over Xenu.)


Life & Style

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

DEVASTATED KIM: DUMPED 4 DAYS AFTER GIVING BIRTH

Saint wasn’t holy enough to keep Kim and Kanye’s sacred bond together, because the couple has split up. So, four days after Saint’s birth, the formerly happy couple started fighting about this ‘n’ that. Says a source, “Kim yelled at Kanye for never being around or including her in any of the decision-making—he’s always discounting her ideas and ignores her.” Then he “walked away.” That’s it! Just walked away. For good. No one even knows where he went! Some believe he flew to Texas, where he plans on opening a collective in Marfa. Others have said he decided to go on a walkabout in Australia. I have heard he’s taken a flight on Elon Musk’s secret spaceship—one capable of both opening and traveling through wormholes—and plans on being the first artist to record an album in another galaxy.

I’m really fucking sorry, but this is really fucking gross:

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People


And Also:

  • Liam Hemsworth can’t decide between Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Lawrence, somehow.
  • Jennifer Aniston was there to console Courteney Cox after her breakup.
  • Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are taking it upon themselves to find Miranda Lambert a new beau, which scares me.
  • Kris Jenner’s face is mostly fillers.
  • The Weeknd has cheated on Bella Hadid so many times.
  • Jessie J’s landlord hates her.
  • Jessie J’s landlord knows who Jessie J is.
  • Wear velvet, or go to hell, vet!
  • Wear ruffles, or we’ll have a scuffle!
  • Wear faux fur, or get outta hurr!
  • For the love of god, stop reading this.

Wrong Answer:

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

Grade: F (You know who Jessie J is.)


In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

MIRANDA & GWEN: BITTER FIGHT OVER BLAKE

In this In Touch Exclusive, the magazine revealed that Miranda Lambert and Gwen Stefani are currently in a “showdown over Blake.” See, what happened was that Gwen saw Blake’s phone one night on the set of The Voice and noticed some texts from Miranda. She confronted him all, “Excuse me betch?” and he was like, “*burp* don’t worry about it, mamma, I ain’t textin’ back *burp*,” and then later she picked up his phone and saw that, whoops, he’s a LIAR and had been TEXTING HER BACK, AFTER ALL. No! No no no no no. Do not fight about Blake Shelton, you two! Fight about something worthy of your time, like who should be president, or who gets the last can of seltzer. Fight about who has to take out the garbage. Fight about who has to clean out the litter box. Fight about who gets to shower first. Fight about what really happened to MH370. Just don’t fight over who gets to keep fucking Blake Shelton. Please.

Mariah Carey is in a “dangerous spiral,” thanks to all the pills and booze. Sources say she’s drinking two bottles of wine at a time and mixing it with medication for “anxiety, depression, and migraines.” An insider claims “her condition is deteriorating fast,” and that she’s “really struggling.” It’s important to note that her rep denies all of this, but her rep would deny it, right? Addicted to pills and booze or not, she found the time and energy to direct a potential Christmas classic, so who cares. She’s being productive.

I’m not going to tell you who this interview was with because they don’t matter and I don’t remember their names, but it’s important that you read this:

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

OMG:

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

And Also:

  • Sienna and Ben are probably fucking.
  • Scott relapsed right after leaving rehab.
  • Britney Spears got lipo.
  • Oh my god this issue is so boring.
  • Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo are in marriage counseling.
  • I’m ASLEEP.
  • A Teen Mom’s ex-husband went to jail.
  • OK, we’re done here.

Wrong Answer:

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

Grade: F (Robin Thicke throws you a party.)


Star

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

CAITLYN: I WANT TO BE BRUCE AGAIN

Oh my. Oh my my my my my. Oh my my my my my my my. This one’s rough, folks, and not the best look for Star. They’re saying Caitlyn is “considering another drastic change”—oh god, I hate even typing this—which is “reversing the transition process and becoming a man again!” They claim “things have become worse for her” and that she has no friends. They suggest that....oh god, again....Bruce “was a confused cross-dresser, but never truly trans.” This is...so upsetting. Think of something better, Star! Something like, oh, maybe:

  • Caitlyn wants to go to space!
  • Caitlyn wants to run for president!
  • Caitlyn wants to become a ghost hunter!
  • Caitlyn wants a mini schnauzer!
  • Caitlyn wants to open a bed & breakfast in Sydney, Australia and film it for E!
  • Caitlyn wants to befriend Taylor Swift!
  • Caitlyn wants to become Taylor Swift’s enemy!
  • Caitlyn wants to infiltrate Taylor Swift’s squad, earn her trust, learn all her secrets, and publish a tell all that sells millions!
  • Caitlyn wants to move to Virginia and reenact Civil War battles!
  • Caitlyn wants to write and star in a one-woman Broadway show about the life of Margaret Thatcher!
  • Caitlyn wants to eat exclusively Chobani yogurt for the rest of her life!
  • Caitlyn wants to appear on Shark Tank with her very cool new (and top-secret) recreational drone idea.

Literally anything but “Caitlyn Wants To Be Bruce Again!”

And Also:

  • Melanie Griffith is begging Kris Jenner to find her a younger man.
  • Mariah Carey “is trying hard to pretend Adele doesn’t exist.”
  • Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston are adopting, but we knew that already.
  • Matt LeBlanc and Courteney Cox are fucking, but we knew that already.
  • Rebel Wilson is engaged.
  • Amanda Seyfried cheated on Justin Long.
  • Halle Berry “has been partying up a storm.”
  • This was a bad week for tabloids.

Wrong Answer:

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

Grade: F (People claim your identity is invalid.)


Appendix:

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

Fig. 1 - OK

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

Fig. 2- OK

This Week In Tabloids: Miranda and Gwen Are Fighting Over Blake Shelton of All People

Fig. 3- In Touch


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.


You Might Think Ethnic Cleansing Is Bad, But–

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You Might Think Ethnic Cleansing Is Bad, But–

Quick question. Which is worse for “democracy” and “discourse”: A prominent public figure, with a large following composed mainly of increasingly enraged (and generally well-armed) members of America’s dominant but shrinking ethnic majority, spending months issuing vocal and repeated calls for the elimination of certain religious and ethnic outgroups from the body politic; or the act of “unfriending” people with annoying or offensive beliefs on a social networking platform? The answer—or, at least, one Washington Post writer’s answer—may surprise you.

According to Caitlin Dewey, the Washington Post’s “digital culture critic” and author of their Internet culture site The Intersect, this trend—which, obviously, cannot be measured because Facebook does not share data on the subject—of liberal Facebook users disconnecting from friends (or “friends”) who admire Donald Trump is symptomatic of a deeper rot at the heart of civil society.

But in an era where Americans are both more polarized than ever and more able to tailor their environments to their preexisting views, standard disagreements have veered in an ugly, intolerant direction: one that’s inconsistent, critics argue, with our most fundamental democratic values.

“Standard disagreements have veered in an ugly, intolerant direction.” Who could argue with that, in a piece examining the political rise of Donald Trump?

Though it’s a bit odd to say that not in reference to this...

...but to this:

You Might Think Ethnic Cleansing Is Bad, But–

Of goofy browsers extensions and apps like the one depicted above, Dewey says:

Some of these may seem pretty funny — and in practice, they can be. But they all share the rather serious goal of helping users avoid engaging their civic and political reality.

So engage with civil reality, dear reader, and re-friend those Trump fans. Because it turns out the real intolerance is declining to subject yourself to the ravings of would-be blackshirts.

As the old saying goes, if all you have are takes on the larger societal implications of banal Internet microstories, everything looks like a worrying trend.

(The Post has since changed the headline seen above to something marginally less stupid.)

500 Days of Kristin, Day 326: Literally On Fire 

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500 Days of Kristin, Day 326: Literally On Fire 

New from Kristin Cavallari’s mid-priced jewelry line, Emerald Duv: something lit rally on fire.

What could it be? Leave your guesses in the comments.


This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photo via Getty]

Report: Las Vegas Review-Journal’s Mystery Buyer Is Right-Wing Billionaire Sheldon Adelson

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Report: Las Vegas Review-Journal’s Mystery Buyer Is Right-Wing Billionaire Sheldon Adelson

Citing “multiple sources familiar with the situation,” Dan Primack of Fortune is reporting that the 82-year-old billionaire, casino magnate, and Republican kingmaker Sheldon Adelson is the unnamed investor who acquired Nevada’s largest newspaper, the Las Vegas Review-Journal, for $140 million last week:

Fortune has learned from multiple sources familiar with the situation that it is Sheldon Adelson, chairman and CEO of casino operator Las Vegas Sands Corp. Adelson, a major Republican Party donor who hosted Tuesday night’s debate at his Venetian property, had been widely rumored to be the buyer — including by employees at the Review-Journal itself, which this morning ran a front-page story that detailed Adelson’s ties to Michael Schroeder, a regional Connecticut newspaper publisher who was the only person listed on regulatory filings related to the sale.

Over the past few days, Adelson has refused to confirm or deny speculation that he is in fact the mysterious investor who purchased the Review-Journal, whose reporters and editors have called for their new owner to step forward. Media critics have demanded the new owner identify himself as well.

If Fortune’s reporting is correct, the Review-Journal would be the third media property, and the second major newspaper, under Adelson’s control. In 2007, the billionaire founded the daily tabloid Israel Hayom (Israel Today), which went on to become the largest newspaper in the State of Israel. Seven years later, he acquired another Israeli paper, the smaller right-wing weekly Makor Rishon, along with the website assets of the defunct centrist daily Maariv, which merged with Makor Rishon in 2012.

Sheldon’s acquisition of the Review-Journal, if true, raises the question of whether he would try to shape the paper’s political coverage. After all, Israel Hayom is widely known for its steadfast support of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and the political agenda of his party, the center-right Likud. The much smaller Makor Rishon, meanwhile, is explicitly marketed toward religious and conservative Israelis; according to the left-wing magazine 972, the paper remains influential among Israeli settlers, who live in neighborhoods and extralegal outposts established within the Palestinian Territories of the West Bank, in violation of international law.

In other words, Adelson’s stable of media properties tend to mirror his own political ideology, which is militantly pro-Israel and anti-Palestinian. Last year, during a debate held at the Israeli American Council in Washington, D.C., he claimed that “the Palestinians are an invented people” and “the purpose of the existence of Palestinians is to destroy Israel.” Adelson’s political activism in the United States has, by extension, largely focused on supporting Republican candidates who promise to support Israel over the Palestinians. Considering the success of his strategy in Israel, obtaining control of a powerful paper in a major swing state could certainly come in handy.

All of that said, Adelson has not yet confirmed Fortune’s report. We’ve reached out to a spokesperson for his company, the Las Vegas Sands Corporation, and will update this post if we hear back.

Update – 10:50 pm

Citing sources close to the Adelson family, the Las Vegas Review-Journal reports that it was indeed Adelson who purchased the paper, and that the deal was arranged by his son-in-law, Patrick Dumont. Dumont is married to Adelson’s wife’s second daughter from a previous marriage, Sivan Dumon, who oversees operations of Israel HaYom.

Email the author: trotter@gawker.com · PGP key + fingerprint· Photo credit: Getty Images

Here's the Full, Extremely Dumb Email That Shut Down the Entire L.A. Public School System

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Here's the Full, Extremely Dumb Email That Shut Down the Entire L.A. Public School System

I cannot believe anyone took this email seriously: “I am a devout Muslim, and was once against violence, but I have teamed up with a local jihadist cell as it is the only way I’ll be able to accomplish my massacre the correct way.”

http://gawker.com/it-takes-very-...

Even if this message hadn’t been sent from a “cock.li” email account, it would’ve been hard to imagine it was a credible threat of violence, particularly since it conflates 4chan-style “death to the normies” rhetoric with convoluted Islamism. It looks very much like the work of a kid who really didn’t want to go to school. Read the letter, obtained by ABC 7 in Los Angeles, below:

http://gawker.com/los-angeles-cl...

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

I am emailing you to inform you of the happenings on Tuesday, 12/15/15. Something big is going down. Something very big. It will make national headlines. Perhaps, even international ones. You see, my last 4 years here at one of the district high schools has been absolute hell. Pure, unmitigated, agony. The bullying, the loneliness, the rejection... it is never-ending. And for what? Just because I’m ‘different’?

No. No more. I am a devout Muslim, and was once against violence, but I have teamed up with a local jihadist cell as it is the only way I’ll be able to accomplish my massacre the correct way. I would not be able to do it alone. Me, and my 32 comrades, will die tomorrow in the name of Allah. Every school in the L.A. Unified district is being targeted. We have bombs hidden in lockers already at several schools. They are strategically placed and are meant to crumble the foundations of the very buildings that monger so much hate and discrimination. They are pressure cooker bombs, hidden in backpacks around the schools. They are loaded with 20 lbs. of gunpowder, for maximum damage. They will be detonated via Cell Phone. Not only are there bombs, but there are nerve gas agents set to go off at a specific time: during lunch hour. To top it off, my brothers in Allah and I have Kalashnikov rifles, Glock 18 Machine pistols, and multiple handheld grenades. The students at every school in the L.A. Unified district will be massacred, mercilessly. And there is nothing you can do to stop it.

If you do end up trying to, by perhaps, beefing up security, or canceling classes for the day, it won’t matter. Your security will not be able to stop us. We are an army of Allah. If you cancel classes, the bombings will take place regardless, and we will bring our guns to the streets and offices of Los Angeles, San Bernardino, Bakersfield, and San Diego.

I wish you the best luck. It is time to pray to allah, as this may be your last day.

At least now the next idiots who try this will know how to trick the adults.

Photo: AP


Contact the author at biddle@gawker.com.
Public PGP key
PGP fingerprint: E93A 40D1 FA38 4B2B 1477 C855 3DEA F030 F340 E2C7

Teen Sucker Punches Spanish Prime Minster in the Face

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Teen Sucker Punches Spanish Prime Minster in the Face

Violence is, for the most part, a terrible way to get what you want. And clocking a top government official is even worse. Which is why it makes perfect sense that it was a teen who took it upon himself to punch the Spanish Prime Minister—at a heavily populated public event, no less—directly in the face.

With the Spanish general election coming up on Sunday, Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy was on the trail when he made a campaign stop in Galicia. Rajoy also just so happens to be largely despised among the Spanish youth. The conservative (by European standards) Rajoy has passed tons of austerity measures during his time as PM, and as a result, Spain is in a major youth unemployment crisis.

Still, while we don’t know exactly why a 17-year-old kid decided to walk up to the Rajoy, slam his fist directly into the side of the PM’s head, and send his glasses “flying,” we can assume it probably has something to do with that. Especially considering he later told the newspaper El Pais, “I’m glad I did it.”

Rajoy is expected to win this coming Sunday, so perhaps this will give him the incentive he needs to fix Spain’s little unemployment crisis. After all, as the ancient Spanish proverb goes, “An employed teen will probably be too busy to punch you in the face.”

[h/t Buzzfeed]


Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.

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