She’s a shoe.

This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photo via Getty]

In an early contender for the greatest coming out of 2016, Tory MP Crispin Blunt told the House of Commons on Wednesday, “I use poppers. I out myself as a popper user.” It’s moments like these that make being a gay guy with a jackhammering pulse, spotty vision, and brain full of dicks just a little bit easier.

Blunt, who’s gay, was speaking at a hearing for the UK’s proposed Psychoactive Substances Bill, which would ban the production, supply and importation of poppers (among substances), but not individual possession, according to the BBC. Blunt argued against including poppers on the bill that aims to crack down on legal highs. The MPs ultimately voted 309 to 228 to reject the removal of poppers from the bill.

For the uninitiated, poppers (also known as alkyl nitrites) are inhalants used typically during sex. They’ve favored by gay men because of their supposed loosening effects, which can help facilitate anal sex and make it even more pleasurable. They also can make you feel like you were put on the planet for the sole purpose of sucking dick. Adverse side effects include headaches, a chapped nose, and a feeling of, “Oh my god what am I doing with my life?” in the time between coming and the poppers wearing off (each popper high lasts about a minute or two, max). John Waters is an enthusiast with a lifetime supply.

Blunt said that banning the drug would be both “fantastically” and “manifestly” stupid. He warned that doing so would “drive supply underground into the hands of criminals.” Additionally, according to the BBC report:

He later told BBC Radio 4's PM programme that he had not suffered any adverse affects from using the drug and there was no “serious evidence” that it posed such a risk. “I think it was the most powerful argument to make and I didn’t want to be a hypocrite,” he said of his Commons statement.

According to the Gay Times, Blunt (who, fun fact, is related to Emily Blunt) was not alone at the hearing in denouncing the ban:

[Golders Green’s MP Mike Freer] went on to express his “considerable concern” concerning the proposed banning of poppers, and the “complete lack of empirical data” on the risks of inhaling alkyl nitrites. Mr. Freer then went on to quote research by Dr. Timothy Hall, an expert in isopropyl nitrates which was featured in GT in 2015. When asked whether ‘poppers’ were more dangerous than alcohol, Dr. Hall replied: “No, these substances pose little threat to the public safety.”

Mr Freer also refereed to a letter from the Chairman of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs, who concluded that alkyl nitrites are “not seen to be capable of having harmful effects sufficient to constitute a societal problem.”

The vote on the final bill hasn’t taken place yet, but if it is voted into law, the ban on its various substances will take effect April 1.

[h/t Towleroad]

On Thursday afternoon, in Jamaica, Queens, a cow escaped from a slaughterhouse. It was scheduled to die on Friday. If you wanted to anthropomorphize, you might imagine that it was fleeing for its life. We wouldn’t recommend it, though, because it got caught, and is going to die anyway.

Police said the cow escaped shortly after noon from Archer Halal Live Poultry, at 165th Street, near Archer Avenue. It was spotted at 164th Street and Jamaica Avenue, Gothamist reports, followed to the Jamaica Mall, and then back again to 165th Street, after which it made a right onto Archer Avenue, and fled into a parking lot.

There, in the parking lot—across the street from the bloody hellhole where it had not, long before, awaited, and then escaped (if briefly), its demise—it was captured, without injuries. Look at it:

The animal had escaped, Archer Halal employee Adad Deopersaud told DNAinfo, when workers tried to put it into a pen.

“Tomorrow, we’ll kill it,” Deopersaud said. “Every Friday we kill animals.”

Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

Please remember New York City during the upcoming storm.

It hates to be forgotten.

Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com. Top image via Dennis Mesereau. Vagina via Shutterstock.

Daniel Wessel, press secretary for Clinton super PAC Correct the Record, is giving journalists “off the record” story pitches and tips, the Burlington Free Press reports. Has Correct the Record (or another PAC!) tried to pull this with you? Let us know: tips@gawker.com or brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

This afternoon, the Environmental Protection Agency accepted the resignation of Susan Hedman, who as Region 5 administrator oversaw the section of the country that includes Flint, Mich.

In a statement regarding Hedman’s resignation, the EPA said:

EPA Region 5 Administrator Susan Hedman has offered her resignation effective February 1, and EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy has accepted given Susan’s strong interest in ensuring that EPA Region 5's focus remains solely on the restoration of Flint’s drinking water.

In a statement given to Reuters earlier this week, the EPA accepted fault for the disaster in Flint while also pointing the finger at local and state government:

The environmental agency said Tuesday that “while EPA worked within the framework of the law to repeatedly and urgently communicate the steps the state needed to take to properly treat its water, those necessary (EPA) actions were not taken as quickly as they should have been.”

The U.S. environmental agency said its oversight was hampered “by failures and resistance at the state and local levels to work with us in a forthright, transparent and proactive manner.”

Hedman becomes the second bureaucrat to lose a job due to the all-encompassing negligence regarding Flint’s lead-poisoned water—Dan Wyant, who as director of Michigan’s Department of Environmental Quality oversaw botched tests of the water, resigned at the end of December.

http://gawker.com/how-much-did-m...

These are small fish, though, and they figure not to quiet the calls for the heads of those at the very top, primarily Michigan governor Rick Snyder, whose potential resignation was invoked by Bernie Sanders at last weekend’s Democratic debate in South Carolina. Barack Obama has not gone quite that far yet, but in a CBS interview airing this weekend, he did not mince words in assessing the failure of government at all levels, calling Flint’s water crisis “inexplicable and inexcusable.”

Last night, Snyder’s office released what it says was every email sent and received by the governor regarding Flint’s water, though you won’t be surprised to find out that in no way do those self-released emails implicate the governor himself.

http://jezebel.com/finally-we-kno...

The first email in that batch of records was entirely blacked out, which would be funny except that, you know, it isn’t.

[photo of Flint River via AP]

Contact the author at jordan@gawker.com.

A grand jury in Georgia has indicted DeKalb County Police Officer Robert Olsen on felony murder charges, WSB-TV reports. Olsen shot and killed 27-year-old Air Force veteran Anthony Hill, naked and unarmed, outside an apartment complex in Chamblee, Georgia, last year.

DeKalb County District Attorney Robert James said that an arrest warrant has been issued for Olsen. He is charged with 6 counts, including felony murder, making a false statement, and violating oath of office.

Before his death, Hill wrote extensively on social media, sharing his thoughts on race, mental illness, and music. His girlfriend, Bridget Anderson, has said the Air Force vet suffered from bi-polar disorder and post-traumatic stress. From the New York Times account of his death:

Most everyone who saw him at the apartments Monday said his behavior was bizarre in the extreme in the moments before the police arrived. Mr. Hill, they said, had been lying on the ground, semi-clothed and then naked, and had been jumping repeatedly off his second-story balcony.

According to WSB-TV, Olsen will be the first police officer to stand trial for a shooting death in Georgia in over half a decade.

Handout photo of Anthony Hill and his parents via AJC. Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

This kid has better stage presence than Jeb.

Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

Over the weekend, three female comedians accused Amy Schumer of stealing jokes for material ranging from her television show to her standup special Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo, and even her hit movie, Trainwreck. It began when Wendy Liebman wrote in a now-deleted tweet, “Between Amy Schumer doing 1 of my best jokes on her HBO special and this meme of my joke, I’m done with social media.”

According to Refinery29, comedian Chuck Martin responded:

There was, apparently, a back and forth between the comedians that has since been deleted. One of Schumer’s loudest critics in the thread was fellow comedian Tammy Pescatelli.

In a series of tweets, Pescatelli accused Schumer of stealing one of her jokes for Trainwreck. “What has always been amazing to me is that she purports to be a feminist and yet only steals from other female comedians. If we call her on,” Pescatelli tweeted. She continued: “...[on] it we are “jealous” or career shamed. Be successful. WE want you to do well, just do it will your own material. BTW she blocked me.” She continued tweeting ostensible jokes, comparing Schumer to Bill Cosby and her own plight to Martin Luther King.

On Wednesday, Schumer addressed the accusations on Twitter. “On my life, I have never and would never steal a joke,” she wrote. Schumer reiterated her innocence on an appearance on Sirius XM’s Jim Norton Advice Show. “Both Kathleen and Wendy know me and they don’t believe I would do that, I think this is Tammy trying to get something going,” Schumer said. She added, “I just would never do that. That would be so stupid for me to do that.”

Pescatelli appeared on Norton’s show today and said that she had gone too far. “I went too deep,” she told Norton, “It went too far, and for that, I’m super apologetic.” Pescatelli said that she originally thought a writer stole the joke but added, “it was probably parallel thinking, that does happen.”

In a separate appearance on Jenny McCarthy’s radio show, Pescatelli said that despite being vilified for coming forward, other comedians have reached out to thank her for speaking publicly.

Image via AP.

We haven’t even gotten to Iowa and already Jeb has lost the snake-owner vote. It’s all over.

Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

Oh man, this changes everything! Just kidding.

What you are looking at above is the cover of a special edition of the National Review magazine, which includes a 21-person symposium on why Donald Trump is not a true conservative, published online this evening. It does not include an accounting of how American conservatism may have created the material, political, and ideological conditions necessary to not only produce a figure like Trump but for him to find success—but then again, why would it? LOL.

“The case for constitutional limited government is the case against Donald Trump,” writes Ben Domenech, publisher of the Federalist.

“To the degree we take him at his word—understanding that Trump is a negotiator whose positions are often purposefully deceptive—what he advocates is a rejection of our Madisonian inheritance and an embrace of Barack Obama’s authoritarianism.” Hahahahah, oh god make it stop.

“In a country with more than 300 million people, it is remarkable how obsessed the media have become with just one—Donald Trump,” writes Thomas Sowell, a senior fellow at Stanford University’s Hoover Institution, apparently without irony.

Erick Erickson, sentient Twitter egg and talk-show host, quotes Scripture: “‘If anyone aspires to the office of overseer...he must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil’ (1 Timothy 3:1,6). I think this is also true of political leaders, including those within the conservative movement.” Okay man.

Anyway, good luck with all that! We hope your thoughtfulness and lucidity sways many Trump supporters to support...Ted Cruz, instead.

Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

On Wednesday, the Archdiocese of New York announced, through its official newspaper, that Father Richard Gorman, the archdiocese’s director of prison chaplains, as well as a prominent local political leader, was suspended after being accused of sexually abusing minors 30 years ago.

The archdiocese said that it reported the allegations to law enforcement immediately, and that, while they were determined to be credible, they have not yet been substantiated. As such, Gorman is not permitted to perform the public duties of a priest until the matter is resolved.

Mike Reck, a lawyer for one of the victims, said the alleged abuse took place in the ‘80s, when Gorman was a priest at St. Barnabas’ Church, in the Woodlawn neighborhood of the Bronx. There, Reck said, Gorman “used that position of power to access a child, who was a parishioner. He transported him to another church-owned facility and that’s where that incident of abuse occurred.” According to CBS News, that facility was in Westchester County.

“He decided to come forward now because he was at a stage of his life where he was aware of the trauma and realized the perpetrator could still access children,” Reck said.

Since the late 1980s, Gorman has been the chairman of Community Board 12, in the Bronx. He was the subject of a short profile in the New York Daily News in 2007:

He’s battled toxic nightmares, greedy developers and indifferent bureaucrats for 25 years, both as a priest and as a member of a Bronx community board. Though not an official chaplain, the Rev. Richard Gorman is also known to cops across the Bronx for being there when they’ve needed him.

Next week, “Father Rich” will celebrate the 25th anniversary of his ordainment - and the 25th anniversary of his service to Community Board 12 in the north Bronx.

Chairman for the past 17 years, he has used his office to fight for district services, seeing community work as akin to spiritual service.

“I’ve been blessed to see the best of humanity,” Gorman said. “I think people are happy to see someone who cares about the things they care about.”

Image of St. Barnabas’ via Google Maps. Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

This here’s Matt Hendricks and he’s making that there face because he took a hockey puck to the Johnson while defending against a Howitzer of a slap shot.

The slap shot did not slap into the net. It slapped into Hendricks’ unfortunate dick.

Our tipster John who was at the game and alerted us to Hendricks’ misfortune said, “I thought he had a broken leg at first but after seeing the replay it was way worse than I initially thought,” which is about right.

Update: Could have been much worse.

h/t John H

[SNCA]

A judge has ruled that Walmart must offer to rehire 16 workers that the company illegally fired in 2013 after they participated in a strike at Walmart headquarters. Stop acting like Walmart, Walmart.

http://gawker.com/study-walmart-...

It’s getting colder and colder and no one’s taking them seriously anyway, so it’s little wonder that this week, Head Oregon Militia Idiot Ammon Bundy opened negotiations with the FBI.

The talks officially began Friday, though Bundy reportedly initiated the conversation Thursday on a cell phone he borrowed from an FBI agent outside the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, where Bundy and his merry band of idiots have been holed up for the last month.

According to The Oregonian, Bundy was returning one of 14 voicemails left for him by an FBI negotiator identified only as “Chris.”

Bundy’s negotiating tactic, it may surprise no one to learn, was to play dumb: “I’m a face-to-face kind of guy,” Bundy reportedly told the negotiator. “You reached out to me ... I’m not sure exactly what you wanted to talk about.”

Make that really dumb:

The negotiator asked why Bundy picked Harney County.

“You’re familiar with the Hammonds,” Bundy said in a sardonic tone. The federal government for years has tried to buy the Hammond ranch to add to the refuge holdings, he claimed.

The negotiator pressed for what Bundy wanted to see done with the refuge. Bundy said it should be turned over to Harney County officials.

He said his group wouldn’t leave until practical steps had been taken to get the refuge out of federal control and ensure the refuge buildings were never again used by the federal government.

How would that get done, the agent asked.

“I don’t know,” Bundy said. “We could put more thought to that.”

Make that really, really dumb:

Bundy had questions of his own. He asked by what right was the FBI involved in the refuge occupation.

“Are you here under authority of the sheriff?” Bundy asked.

When the negotiator said the sheriff had asked for federal help, Bundy responded, “You do not have the people’s authority to be here.”

In measured tones, the negotiator told him, “The sheriff has asked for our assistance.”

It’s going to be a long winter, and even worse—they only have one bag of dicks to last until spring.

http://gawker.com/angry-militia-...

Image via AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Hillary Clinton delivered a rousing five-minute speech at a rally yesterday in Iowa, thrilling fans who were only there to see Demi Lovato anyway. And the reviews are in:

• “I was like: ‘Is this done already?’... It did seem pretty short”
• “It was shorter than I expected.”
• “It was like a political commercial. I thought she was saying goodbye to Demi and then she’d start her speech. But it never happened.”
• “I have loved her* forever. This might be my only chance to see her.”
• “I’m not sure she said enough to convince me to vote for her.”
• “It was very short.”
• “This is a great opportunity for them to see what could be the first woman president — and Demi Lovato, let’s be real.”
• “I am leaning more towards Bernie.”

Millennials, man.

http://gawker.com/two-stops-no-q...

*Demi Lovato

Image via AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

“Jeb Bush is my son,” Barbara Bush seems to acknowledge in a 35-second commercial released Friday—and just in time for Jeb’s birthday!

Here is the faint praise Bush was able to muster for Jeb—her son, but only by blood:

Jeb has been a very good father, a wonderful son, a hard worker. His heart is big. When push comes to shove, people are going realize Jeb has real solutions, rather than talking about how popular they are or how great they are. He’s doing it because he sees a huge need and it’s not being filled by anybody. Of all the people running, he seems to be the one who could solve the problems. I think he’ll be a great president.

“Of all the people running,” Barbara Bush allows, for all the world to witness, Jeb “seems” to be the one who could potentially solve the problems. Sounds like someone (Jeb) got their Christmas and birthday gifts combined into one big one this year.

Image via AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Donald Trump would like to share a message from @WhiteGenocideTM with his nearly 6 million followers.

According to @WhiteGenocideTM’s Twitter bio, he lives in “Jewmerica” and is a big fan of this Holocaust denial film.

This has been a message from White Genocide and Donald J. Trump.

Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.

The New York Times reports that an American college student has been detained in North Korea after allegedly committing a “hostile act” while visiting the country as a tourist. The student, identified as Otto Frederick Warmbier, is currently being held in Pyongyang.

North Korea’s Central News Agency says that Warmbier has been accused of entering North Korea with the intent of “bringing down the foundation of its single-minded unity.” The Chinese tour group Warmbier was traveling with, Young Pioneer Tours, confirmed in a statement on its website today that he has been detained:

We can confirm that the reports that one of our clients is being detained in Pyongyang are true. Their family have been informed and we are in contact with the Swedish Embassy, (who act as the protecting interest for U.S citizens), who are working with the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to address the case. We are also assisting the U.S Department of State closely with regards to the situation. In the meantime we would appreciate Otto’s and his family’s privacy being respected and we hope his release can be secured as soon as possible.

According to the Times, Warmbier is a member of the University of Virginia’s class of 2017. His apparent Facebook account shows that he’s from Cincinnati and a member of the Theta Chi fraternity. He’s studying economics, per the Times.

Mark Toner, a deputy spokesperson at the State Department, told the BBC that the department is “aware of media reports that a US citizen was detained in North Korea” and is working with the Swedish Embassy in Pyongyang to secure his release.

In general, the State Department “strongly recommends against all travel by U.S. citizens to North Korea” because of the risk of arrest and long-term detention. As the Times notes, North Korea is currently holding at least two other Westerners.

Photo via Facebook. Contact the author at allie@gawker.com.

Chris Christie will not be returning home to New Jersey in time for the blizzard expected to hit the state this weekend and plans to govern instead from New Hampshire—after all, the man has a primary to lose.

(Christie’s office assures the public the candidate continues to “actively monitor the winter storm” from the campaign trail. Nor is it the first time he’s watched his state get pummeled from afar—he famously rode out a 2010 storm from Disneyworld.)

Still, Christie’s governing has already been somewhat absentee this primary, the New York Times points out in an article today—even as he publicly ribbed other candidates who also have no shot at becoming president for missing legislation in their home states. (“Dude, show up to work and vote ‘no,’” he said recently of Marco Rubio.) Via the Times:

Mr. Christie spent 191 days entirely outside New Jersey last year, and since 2016 began, he has held only two public events in the state: his annual State of the State address, and a joint appearance with legislative leaders to unveil an agreement on casino regulation.

The governor has also been using his executive powers only sparingly, creating just two commissions and task forces over the last year, compared with the roughly two dozen he convened in his first term. When he has issued executive orders, it has most often been to lower the state flag in honor of someone’s death.

In the meantime, lieutenant governor Kim Guadagno has assumed most, if not all, of his duties, and is referred to as the “acting governor” by the governor’s office official schedule. So far she has signed nine pieces of legislation.

Which makes one thing pretty clear. Chris Christie may not be able to convince voters he’s presidential material, but he has proved one thing: He’s totally replaceable.

Image via AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.