Scripps National Spelling Bee, America's annual tribute to idiocy in which do-nothing burnouts from around the country speak random letters into a microphone in the hopes that perhaps some of them will spell a word, is finally making an attempt to better itself.

Scripps organizers announced that beginning this year, the 86-year-old spelling competition will incorporate a vocabulary component, in which the world's nervous-est children will be asked to define words.

And their answers are going to count for a lot.

A speller's score in the vocabulary section will account for 50% of his or her overall score, which determines who advances to the semifinal and championship rounds of competition and who is bad and dumb.

Unfortunately for lovers of the board game Balderdash , the kids won't be bluffing their way through definitions they make up as they go along ("A piñata is a thing....that some people use...we don't really have a word for it in English…"); they'll be answering multiple choice questions about the definitions. Here's an example, from USA Today:

What is the purpose of defibrillation?
a) removing fibrous matter from vegetables
b) removing bodily hair
c) restoring the rhythm of the heart
d) reducing a fever using medication

The answer, of course, is C because, when in doubt, pick C.

Because the only thing less interesting than taking a multiple choice test is watching someone else take a multiple choice test (on a computer!), the heartwrenching live-spelling portion will remain the only part of the competition that is televised.

According to Paige Kimble, the competition's director, the new vocabulary section "represents a deepening of the Bee's commitment to its purpose" which is to get kids to talk and spell English good.

[USA Today // Image via AP]

Ten days ago, an ExxonMobil pipeline pumping crude oil from the Alberta tar sands down to Texas refineries burst open in Mayflower, Ark., causing the evacuation of nearly two dozen homes and coating wildlife and the surrounding area in thousands of gallons of oil. I'm sorry, sludge. But there's a silver lining! And no, I'm not talking about the reflective sheen of tar sands oil coating a five-mile radius, ha ha. No, folks, the silver lining is: Business is booming!

Yes, as Northwest Arkansas Online reports, "Local businesses see spill blessing":

Exxon Mobil Pipeline Corp. has already spent millions of dollars on supplies and services from local businesses and contractors after a major oil spill more than a week ago in this town 10 miles south of Conway, a spokesman said Saturday.

"We are buying as much supplies and hiring as many contractors as possible from Arkansas," Exxon Mobil spokesman Patrick McGinn said. "We have purchased from 70 Arkansas contractors, and about half of those are local - local meaning here in Mayflower or Faulkner County."

A jobs program we can all get behind! My only question is, when can ExxonMobil spill 2,000 barrels of tar sands sludge in my backyard and kickstart the local economy? Am I right? Too bad about the dying ducks, obviously, and the people whose houses were in the path of the noxious sludge, and that smell—that horrific smell. But that, friends, is the smell of jobs. Central Arkansas should be thanking ExxonMobil, not protesting them!

[Andy] Morris, the employee at Lumber 1, said he believes people should realize Exxon Mobil is here to help. [...] "I really just hope the people here in central Arkansas see these people are here to help with a disaster, not cause a disaster. And they are here to get it helped and solved really, really quick."

It is deeply unfortunate that central Arkansans are being so rude to ExxonMobil, and reflects very badly on the state. ExxonMobil is fixing a disaster, not causing one. I mean, obviously, they did cause one, but that's in the past, at this point. Now they're fixing it.

And really you should stop asking about the past anyway:

Questions about the dollar amount of Exxon Mobil claims, specifics about the upkeep of the pipeline, the oil's long-term effects on marshlands and other questions went unanswered by officials at the news conference Saturday.

"I am here to really focus on recovery and relief efforts," Wiesner said.

[NWAOnline, image by Alyssa Martinez / Drew Crownover / Annie Dill / Alex Shahrokhi]

This video comes with very little context, but here's what we do know: This guy's girlfriend cheated on him; he is very upset about that; he doesn't care who knows it.

Of course, the last point is merely speculation based on the fact that he let a complete stranger capture footage of him smashing up his now-ex-girlfriend's car in broad daylight. Did he think that footage wasn't going to end up online?

Because it did.

Adds the video's original uploader, "If it makes you feel any better she will probably be doing him while you are in jail ...lol."

Quite.

[H/T: Brobible]

Recently, a woman named Christina was asked to babble about her food fetish at a taping of Steve Harvey. Christina, who talks like a mama grizzly but eats like Yogi, started off by saying, "Welp, food excites me, and I mean it excites me." You see where this is going? She's talking about downtown.

"I look up cheesecakes and cupcakes," she went on. "And those little meringues with," and here I have no idea what she says but it sounds like "the shawn tortes." Oh right, those. The lil' shawns. At this point, she just started making stuff up, as she continued, "And the strawberry shortcakes with the juicy cherries on top." I think she's getting strawberries and cherries mixed up, which is weird since she seems to know enough about the function of each (one is for shortcakes, the other is for on top of everything else except for strawberry shortcakes because they already have strawberries on top). For a noted food enthusiast, Christina is suspiciously imprecise.

The climax of Christina's food rhapsody came, of course, when she described her favorite food's role in achieving her orgasm: "If he's not doing what he's supposed to in there, I start thinking, ‘Popeyes spicy, Popeyes spicy, Popeyes spicy,' and it gets me where I need to be." Cool. "Is it weird that just the thought of Popeyes spicy chicken gets me to climax?" Yes. That is really weird. And that's what makes you beautiful, Christina.

[via Uproxx]

Occupy Wall Street won a major legal battle earlier today when it agreed to a settlement from the city of New York that will pay the activist group over $230,000 in damages and legal fees. The settlement includes $47,000 in damages for Occupy Wall Street's 5,500 book library, most of which was destroyed or damaged during a November 15, 2011 raid on Zuccotti Park. The city also agreed to pay $186,350 in legal costs to Occupy Wall Street's lawyers.

"Our clients are pleased," Normal Siegel, one of Occupy Wall Street's attorneys, told the Village Voice. "We had asked for damages of $47,000 for the books and the computers, and we got $47,000. More important — we would not have settled without this — is the language in the settlement. This was not just about money, it was about constitutional rights and the destruction of books."

Here's the language Siegel referred to from the city's settlement:

"Defendants acknowledge and believe it is unfortunate that, during the course of clearing Zuccotti Park on November 15, 2011, books were damaged so as to render them unusable, and additional books are unaccounted for. Defendants further acknowledge and believe it unfortunate that certain library furnishings and equipment likewise were damaged so as to render them unusable, and other library furnishings and equipment may be unaccounted for. Plaintiffs and Defendants recognize that when a person's property is removed from the city it is important that the City exercise due care and adhere to established procedures in order to protect legal rights of the property owners."

The city also settled with two other groups who sued for damages related to the same raid. Global Revolutions TV, a media group which broadcast from the park, received $75,0000 for damaged equipment and $49,850 in lawyer's fees. Times Up New York received $7,500 for property destroyed in the raid.

[Village Voice/Image via AP]

To promote...something, Lindsay Lohan appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman Tuesday night. Letterman, of course, asked about Lohan's upcoming trip to rehab. "We didn't discuss this in the pre-show interview," she answered, clearly caught off guard. The rest of the interview is awkward, to say the least, though Lohan at least gets a halfway decent Dr. Phil burn in towards the end.

[via BuzzFeed]

For the first time, authorities have linked excessive texting to a deadly aircraft crash. In August 2011, James Freudenberg was piloting a LifeNet medical helicopter carrying a patient and two nurses when the craft ran out of gas and crashed, killing all on board. Authorities at the U.S. National Transportation Safety Board say that, the day of the crash, Freudenberg exchanged over 240 texts with a colleague, including many sent as he was prepping the helicopter for take-off and several as he was flying.

"It is easy to imagine that some of these interruptions could have led to forgetting of steps, including checking the fuel level, performing the preflight," said Bill Bramble, an NTSB aviation expert.

The NTSB also said that Freudenberg filed a false report about the levels of fuel aboard and, at one point during the flight, radioed that he 45 minutes of fuel left when only 30 minutes remained. The helicopter crashed in a field one mile from its destination.

Texting wasn't the only cause of the crash, authorities said. Fatigue was also an issue, with Freudenberg texting one of his colleagues that he hadn't slept much the night before the crash. Also a factor: Freudenberg's apparent inability to perform a flight maneuver called autorotation after he ran out of fuel. Either way, kids, the lesson here is obviously to never text before or while flying a helicopter.

Not all of Lindsay Lohan's two segments on the Late Show with David Letterman were incredibly awkward. Though Letterman continued to grill Lohan on rehab and her addictions, in this clip from later in the interview, he referenced all the jokes he's made at her expense and praised her for having "enough spine, enough sense of yourself, enough poise to come out here and talk to me." Lohan teared up to the point of having trouble setting up the clip from Scary Movie 5, which she was there to promote. Humanity shines through.

While Lohan is self-entitled and frequently infuriating, he's right: She has a surprising sense of humor about herself and her situation(s). It's a good thing — it keeps her from being intolerable. In fact, Lindsay was witty and borderline charming for much of her chat with Dave. There may be hope for her yet — or maybe she should quit acting and become a professional interviewee.

An AMC employee who goes by "MoronUnited" on YouTube decided to teach his boss a "lesson" about giving him vague directions concerning the disposal of an expired box of Milk Duds.

Not to give away the ending, but, as has been pointed out, the expression "you had one job" has never been more apt.

[H/T: Reddit]

As part of its What? documentary series, last night Logo ran an hour-long exploration of the world of male strippers called, fittingly enough, I'm a Stripper. In this clip, a few of the bros (of varying douchiness) interviewed for the movie discuss what they do to achieve and maintain the erections they're expected to sport onstage. Hint: It involves porn, cockrings, possible chemicals and money — one dude needs not bandz to make him stand at attention, but a mere $10.

There's no mention, however, of a penis pump, as seen in Magic Mike. Different strokes.

President Obama is announcing his proposed 2014 budget today, and judging from an overview provided by the White House (below), it's bound to piss off conservatives and progressives in near-equal measure. The $3.77 trillion planned budget includes the largest deficit cut in any year of Obama's tenure.

To get there, here's the bulk of what gets cut:*

• $230 billion by "chaining" how quickly government-benefits payments and tax brackets increase to keep up with the economy.
• $200 billion in cuts to farm subsidies and government retirement plans.
• $400 billion in "health savings," mostly from cuts to Medicare spending and crackdowns on fraud.
• Also, redundant catfish inspections will be a thing of the past.

Here's some new stuff America would get:

• A raise in the minimum wage to $9.
• An end to across-the-board sequestration cuts, so maybe you can see flashy bomb-dropping Navy planes do propagandistic barrel rolls in your neighborhood, after all.
• The "Buffett Rule" requiring millionaires to pay at least 30 percent of their income in taxes.
• Limits on the amount riches can keep in tax-sheltered retirement accounts; call this one the Romney rule.
• Universal pre-K, to be funded by a new tax on cigarettes.
• $40 billion to fix the crumbliest roads, bridges, and rail systems in the US.

House Republicans have already passed their own, more draconian budget proposal and dismissed Obama's plan as a dud. Democrats, meanwhile, are livid that Obama's olive branch to conservatives is the "chained consumer price index," the mechanism that would slow cost-of-living raises in government benefits like Social Security, as well as bump some middle earners into higher tax brackets over time. "During his first run for the White House, in 2008, Mr. Obama said he would not cut Social Security," Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders wrote in the New York Times last week. "I hope he remembers that promise and keeps it." D'oh.

*I originally wrote "million" in several places here where I'd meant "billion." The offending denominations have been fixed; apologies for the quite statistically significant error, and thanks to the careful readers who quickly caught it.

[Image via AP]

Looking for an educational video that features a knowledgeable, clean-shaven adult accurately and respectfully mimicking the food consumption habits of various wild animals using poise, dignity, and a sippy cup?

Well, this MisterEpicMann short is the exact opposite of all that.

Except for the sippy cup.

[H/T: Pleated-Jeans]

Forbes published a rundown yesterday of America's top-paid CEOs, based on data from its annual billionaires list. That's how we learned that there's an annual billionaires list, because apparently billionaires need something to obsess over besides billions of dollars. There are 1,426 billionaires among the human race's 7 billion or so members, meaning you have a roughly .00002 percent chance of becoming a billionaire, all other things being equal. But of course all things are unequal, and your odds are pretty improved if you didn't grow up in a favela or a shanty on the banks of the Ganges. (Good news, developed America: You account for 442 billionaires, the most of any country on the list!)

Here's another way to look at those stats: These 1,426 billionaires have a collective net worth of $5.4 trillion billion. That means they could afford to buy every man, woman, and child on the planet for roughly $762.95 apiece. Excellent news, humans: Through the magic of indentured servitude, you can finally afford an Apple desktop!

[Image via BigStock]

There are just under two months left until Arrested Development comes Segwaying back into our lives on May 26. In the meantime, Netflix has released a series of character-based promo posters, cashing in on the fact that all it takes to whip AD fans into a frenzy is an image of denim cut-offs.

There's one poster for every core member of the Bluth-Fünke family; you can make your own bonus poster for Lucille Austero by turning any of them sideways.

Here they are, ranked according to increasing obscurity of their reference:

Family love poster.

[via Netflix, h/t Empire]

Another day, another Republican official uses a racist term "from their youth" that hasn't been in use for decades.

County Commissioner Jim Gile, 68, of Saline County, Kansas, was in a study session with his fellow commissioners when the subject of hiring an architect to design the repairs for the county's Road and Bridge Department building came up.

Gile, a first-term commissioner who started serving in January, told the county that he preferred to hire an architect over having someone "nigger-rigging it."

The Salina Journal reports on what happened next:

His comment brought laughter from others in the room. Salinan Ray Hruska, who attends most commission meetings and study sessions, asked Gile what he said.

"Afro-Americanized," Gile replied.

"He's like that congressman from Alaska," Commission Chairman Randy Duncan can be heard to say of Gile's comment.

Duncan was referring to Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, who in a recent radio interview called Latino ranch workers at his father's farm "wetbacks."

And just like Rep. Young, Gile too later blamed his "bad choice of words" on having "grown up" around the term.

"I am not a prejudiced person," Gile said in his apology. "I have built Habitat homes for colored people."

He added that he has a close black friend "whom he regards as a sister."

Gile's bumbling attempt at setting the record straight might not be enough to keep calls for his resignation at bay.

Reached for comment by the Huffington Post, State Rep. J.R. Claeys, a Republican who represents Salina (Saline County's county seat), called out the County Commissioners for allowing the use of a term that is obviously discriminatory.

I think every citizen in our county should take a long, hard look at every individual in that room who allowed those comments to slide without immediately correcting and repudiating, not one, but multiple comments that are absolutely unacceptable in private, let alone a public meeting.

[photo via SalinaTV]

Gawker is very excited to host a Q&A with author Salman Rushdie and filmmaker Deepa Mehta. Salman has adapted his classic 1981 novel Midnight's Children into a screenplay and the resulting film, directed by Deepa, will be in select U.S. theaters on April 26. For those who haven't read the book or need a refresher, here is the film's official synopsis:

Midnight's Children is an epic film from Oscar-nominated director Deepa Mehta, based on the Booker Prize winning novel by Salman Rushdie. At the stroke of midnight on August 15, 1947, as India proclaims independence from Great Britain, two newborn babies are switched by a nurse in a Bombay hospital. Saleem Sinai, the illegitimate son of a poor woman, and Shiva, the offspring of a wealthy couple, are fated to live the destiny meant for each other. Their lives become mysteriously intertwined and are inextricably linked to India's whirlwind journey of triumphs and disasters.

Please direct your questions to Salman and Deepa in the discussion below.

You're driving through South Australia along Dukes Highway, just down the road from Keith and District Motorcycle Club, when you suddenly spot the Google Street View car in the offing.

You only have a few seconds to come up with a truly great photobomb that will be immortalized by the Google Maps servers (until Google deletes it, that is).

Here's an idea: Why not park your bimmer by the side of the road, step out of the car, drop trou, and pretend to bang your significant other on the hood while downing a Corona.

Made it, Ma! Top of the world.

[H/T: Reddit via HyperVocal]

Last night, President Obama and the First Lady hosted the 10th concert in the In Performance at the White House series. Justin Timberlake, professional charmer and sometimes-crooner, encouraged his hosts to join him for Otis Redding's "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay." Timberlake appealed to the whole ragtag bunch of fancy concert-goers by cajoling: "Mr. President, everybody, come on!"

This is not the first time Timberlake and Obama have worked collaboratively on a track; the President covered "SexyBack" in January 2013 (not really, duh, but here it is if you're into this sort of thing).

Last night's In Performance at the White House was set to honor Memphis Soul, especially the music produced there in the mid to late 1960s. The concert included performances from a fantastic selection of musicians like Mavis Staples, Sam Moore, Steve Cropper, Booker T. Jones, Charlie Musselwhite, as well as Alabama Shakes. PBS will broadcast the full performance on April 16. More sing-along moments not promised.

Remember this? The best.

[Pigeons & Planes | Consequence of Sound]

Senators Pat Toomey and Joe Manchin just announced a major breakthrough on gun-control legislation today, regarding the central feature in the gun legislation bill: the expansion of background checks on gun sales. The key negotiations come just in time for the Senate vote tomorrow, which will be the most significant debate about gun control since the 1994 federal crime bill. The bill will need to achieve a baseline of 60 votes in the Senate in order to move forward.

The bill aims to increase background checks regarding all transactions of commercial guns—including those at gun shows and online. The expanded checks will be conducted by a federal firearm license holder rather than through an online platform. The bill will also require some sort of record-taking at these transactions, but will not require individuals to keep records and will specifically prevent "the federal government from creating a national firearms registry."

The bill will also start a commission "to study the causes of mass violence in the United States, looking at all aspects of the problem"—aspects that include school safety, violent video games, mental health, as well the prevalence of firearms. The proposed bill will penalize states that do not update the National Instant Criminal Background Check System with records of felons or the mentally ill. Polls show that 90% of Americans support some sort of universal background check.

Senator Joe Manchin, a Democrat from West Virginia, and Pat Toomey, a Republican from Pennsylvania, are the chief negotiators of the compromise. At a Capitol Hill news conference earlier today, Senator Toomey stated:

"I don't consider criminal background checks to be gun control. It's just common sense. If you pass ... you get to buy a gun. It's the people who fail that we don't want having guns."

Senator Manchin expanded the sentiments:

"We strengthen rights of law-abiding gun owners to keep people from having guns who shouldn't have them."

[USA Today | Huffington Post | The Washington Post | CNN, image via AP]

Proving true the old maxim, "good things come to those who wait," rap mogul Diddy, who waited 43 years to begin dating supermodel Kate Upton, is rumored to be dating supermodel Kate Upton.

The New York Daily News reports that Diddy, 43, and Upton, who is 20 and doesn't even know what alcohol tastes like, though she imagines it tastes like cinnamon and honey and a splash of perfume, were spotted "sharing an intimate dinner" in Manhattan last Thursday.

One week earlier, the duo was allegedly seen making out—just straight up, unabashed, I want to taste your tongue right now with my tongue in public-style making out—at a club in Miami.

"They were kissing," an onlooker reported to the NYDN, "they weren't hiding it."

Since Kate Upton's boobs are the most popular boobs in the world right now, this is quite a coup for Diddy, best known today as "the actor from the Ciroc ads." It would have made more sense for him to be dating Kate Upton in, say, 1999, except then she would have been 7 years old, so that would not have made sense.

(The NYDN suggests "Diddyup" for their celebrity nickname; "KatDiddy" is probably more appropriate, given Upton's passion for the art of dance.)

Upton was most recently linked to baseball player Justin Verlander, though the two reportedly broke up just before February 14th, a date on the Gregorian calendar which was arbitrarily chosen to represent love. The NYDN writes that Diddy and his protégée-turned-girlfriend, singer/former dELiA*s catalogue model Cassie were house-hunting together in Beverly Hills in January.

Hopefully she picked out a nice house for Kate Upton to make out in.

UPDATE
Kate Upton is now publicly claiming she doesn't like-like Diddy:

Meanwhile, a dejected Diddy throws his bouquet of hand-picked "daisies" (they're dandelions, Diddy, but that's sweet) in the trash and kicks a rock all the way home. :(

[NY Daily News // Image via Getty]