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When Will the House Censure Dennis Hastert, the Child Predator Who Used to Lead It?

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When Will the House Censure Dennis Hastert, the Child Predator Who Used to Lead It?
Image: Getty

When a member of the U.S. House of Representatives commits some sort of misconduct, the House is empowered to formally censure that member, holding a public hearing devoted to airing out their misdeeds. When will it censure Dennis Hastert, the former speaker who admitted today to sexually abusing children?

Over the years, the House has issued censures to 23 representatives, for conduct as mild as using “unparliamentary language,” and as severe as bribery, selling appointments, and, in the case of Lovell Rousseau, breaking his cane over the face of another member in 1866. Censure, like legislative canings, has fallen out of popularity a bit since the 19th Century, but not entirely: New York Congressman Charlie Rangel was censured for not paying taxes, using his congressional office for fundraising, and other transgressions just six years ago.

Rangel’s censure, video of which is available for your viewing pleasure here, offers a look at what a censure for Hastert might look like. Nancy Pelosi, the speaker at the time, read a brief statement on the floor, and Rangel was compelled to sit and listen to it. That’s it. Censuring is, as the Christian Science Monitor wrote at the time, “a form of public shaming,” and a pretty mild one at that. Surely, if Rangel deserves it for playing fast and loose with his money, Hastert deserves it for molesting his students.

A censure would be the perfect move for Congress to make against Hastert. He’s going to jail for banking fraud, but thanks to the Illinois statute of limitations, he will not technically face criminal punishment for child abuse. Censuring Hastert wouldn’t subject him to more jail time or any other punishment, but it would at least make it a matter of historical Congressional record that his crimes were worse than paying out hush money.

“But!” you say, “Rangel was, and still is, an active congressman. Hastert retired in 2007.” Yes, but the House has censured former members before. In 1870, as the Congressional Research Service notes, members censured Representatives Benjamin Whittemore and John T. DeWasse just after both men had resigned.

“But!” you continue, “Hastert is only accused of abusing kids while he was a gym teacher and wrestling coach, years before he was elected to the House. Can they really censure him for something he did way back then?” Yes they can! In 1873, Representatives Oakes Ames and James Brooks were both censured for “conduct prior to election to the House.” Unlike sex abuse in Illinois, congressional censure does not seem to carry a statute of limitations.

The House could also issue Hastert a formal written reprimand, which does not include a public hearing. (This would also be a good option if Hastert is in jail and unable to appear when they make the vote.) They’ve done it for far less serious issues, and recently, too: Joe Wilson got one just for yelling at the president in 2009, and Barney Frank got one in 1990 for a scandal involving traffic tickets.

But censure would seem to be the least they could do. Hastert led the House for longer than any other member of his party, he continues to be acclaimed to this day by some of his colleagues, his name is attached to ‘the Hastert rule,’ which his party still observes, and he’s part of the institution’s legacy—it can and should formally reject him for his crimes.

Whether the House will actually issue a censure or reprimand is another matter. Despite the whole sexual abuse of minors thing, Hastert’s fellow politicians seem to like the guy an awful lot.

We asked current House speaker Paul Ryan whether he plans to hold a vote to censure Hastert, and will update this story if we hear back.


Bill Clinton Prays for Nap

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During last night’s victory speech, Hillary Clinton looked to the future as she called for a unified Democratic party and support from the more “thoughtful Republicans.” And yet—there was still something far more compelling on screen: Every single cutaway to Bill Clinton’s dumb, dead-eyed mug.

Don’t get me wrong; Hillary Clinton gave a great speech, perhaps one of her best this season. But look at Bill. What is he thinking? Who is he pointing at? Does he know where he is? No one—not even Bill—can ever know for sure. These are the impossible mysteries that haunt us most of all.

Fundraiser for Senator John McCain Arrested in Arizona Meth-Lab Bust

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Fundraiser for Senator John McCain Arrested in Arizona Meth-Lab Bust
Source: Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office

On Tuesday afternoon, Maricopa County sheriff’s deputies arrested Emily Pitha, an independent political consultant working for Senator John McCain’s re-election campaign, during a drug bust at her home in Phoenix, Arizona. Police made the arrest after her boyfriend signed for a package from the Netherlands containing more than 250 grams of MDMA.

A Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office spokesman, Detective Doug Matteson, said that detectives executing a search warrant at Pitha’s home discovered an active meth lab, along with unspecified quantities of LSD, cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine, about $7,000 in loose cash, and counterfeit money.

“Also in the backyard were the beginning stages of a building they were building with a fake wall that would possibly to be used for growing illegal marijuana,” Mattheson said. According to KPHO/KTVK, the detective also alleged that there were bomb-making materials on the property.

Two kids, one five and one 10 years old, “had easy access to all of (the) drugs and materials, even the bomb-making materials that were located in the back with the meth lab,” Mattheson said.

Pitha, Arizona Central reports, was previously listed as the RSVP contact for McCain’s re-election fundraisers. In a statement provided to Gawker, McCain’s campaign manager, Ryan O’Daniel, said: “We commend the hard work and dedication of our law enforcement officers in their fight to keep our community safe from illegal drugs and associated criminal activity.”

“The campaign immediately terminated any relationship with Ms. Pitha upon learning of her alleged involvement in the operation.” The campaign did not clarify its relationship with Pitha further.

The independent consultant previously worked for Ambassador Barbara Barrett, Senator Jeff Flake, and Senator Jon Kyl. “Following Sen. Kyl’s retirement, Emily Pitha was retained as a constituent services representative in the Phoenix office from January through March 2013,” Flake’s communications director, Jason Samuels, said in a statement.

Pitha and her live-in boyfriend, Christopher Hustrulid, who was also arrested, are expected to face numerous felony drug charges, in addition to possible child-endangerment charges.

The House of Representatives Recognizes the Bison as the Perfect American Symbol

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The House of Representatives Recognizes the Bison as the Perfect American Symbol
Photo composite by Jim Cooke; photos via Getty

Yesterday, the House of Representatives passed H.R. 2908, the National Bison Legacy Act, a bill which would name the bison the national mammal of the United States.

The bison (Bison bison) is an ideal symbol for our country. It was, at one time, the epitome of abundance and majesty, ranging from the far northern tundra to the Gulf of Mexico and from the Appalachians to the Rockies, with a population in the tens of millions. In the course of the conquest of the continental interior, its range was sliced in two by the railroad, and the herds were slaughtered by the thousands a day.

Hundreds of thousands of hides and millions of pounds of bones were shipped off to the leather and fertilizer industries, and most of the meat was simply wasted, left to rot on the carcass-strewn prairies. For Plains Indians, the loss of the bison as a reliable source of food and material helped end their ability to hold out against the incursions of the United States Army.

In the course of about half a century, the bison was all but exterminated. The federal Fish and Wildlife Service estimates that at 1884, there were approximately 325 surviving wild bison in the entire country.

The broken remnant of the continent-spanning bison herd has now recovered to a population in the mid-hundreds of thousands, most of it privately held. The gene pool of the species is widely diluted by interbreeding with domestic cattle.

At present, free-roaming American bison are outnumbered by the billionaire Ted Turner’s personal bison herd, which Turner Enterprises identifies as the world’s largest and which is slaughtered to make burgers served at a chain of restaurants in exurban shopping plazas.

The measure now goes to the Senate.

A City in Alabama Will Now Punish Transgender People Using the Bathroom with Jail Time

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A City in Alabama Will Now Punish Transgender People Using the Bathroom with Jail Time

The sneaky City Council of Oxford, Alabama, met Tuesday night to pass a bathroom law that’s even more restrictive than North Carolina’s HB2.

A little over a week ago, Target officially stated that they welcome people using the bathroom that corresponds with their gender identity, in a message of support to the LGBT community. This new ordinance in Oxford is essentially a direct response that, and it attempts to not only regulate toilets in government buildings, public schools and universities, but also public restrooms in businesses. Think Progress reports that the ordinance states:

“...Citizens have a right to quite [sic] solicitude [sic] and to be secure from embarrassment and unwanted intrusion into their privacy while utilizing multiple occupancy bathroom or changing facilities by members of the opposite biological sex.”

It also warns that “single sex public facilities are places of increased venerability [sic] and present the potential for crimes against individuals utilizing those facilities which may include, but not limited to, voyeurism, exhibitionism, molestation, and assault and battery.”

If anyone is caught violating the new law in police jurisdiction, they can be subject to a $500 fine or up to six months in jail. Council President Steven Waits prepared a statement that justified speculating about a stranger’s genitals by saying it was passed “not out of concerns for the 0.3 percent of the population who identify as transgender,” but “to protect our women and children.” There is a Target in this shit hole town, btw:

A City in Alabama Will Now Punish Transgender People Using the Bathroom with Jail Time

It might be the coolest place in town to hang out, from the looks of things.

Image via AP and Google Maps.


Contact the author at aimee.lutkin@jezebel.com.

Carly Fiorina, Who Was Right About Ted Cruz: I Was Wrong About Ted Cruz

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Carly Fiorina, Who Was Right About Ted Cruz: I Was Wrong About Ted Cruz
Photo: AP

On Wednesday, Carly Fiorina was given the rare opportunity to be on the right side of an issue. Unfortunately for her, that issue was new best bud Ted Cruz, so Fiorina decided to be wrong.

http://gawker.com/heres-carly-fi...

Shortly after she was announced as Cruz’s running mate, Fiorina was asked about her newfound support for the man she previously (and accurately) described as a politician “like any other” who fights with “no honor” and “says whatever he needs to” to get elected. From Mediaite:

NBC News’ Hallie Jackson said, “One of the things I’ve heard you say on the campaign trail… is that Ted Cruz is like any other politician… Today you said he is who he says he is. So were you wrong?”

Fiorina responded, “Yeah, and that’s why I voted for him in the voting booth.”

Cruz/Fiorina 2016: “Because I Was Wrong”

At Least 27 People Killed in "Direct Airstrike" on Doctors Without Borders-Supported Hospital in Syria

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At Least 27 People Killed in "Direct Airstrike" on Doctors Without Borders-Supported Hospital in Syria

Overnight airstrikes in Aleppo have killed at least 61 people in 24 hours, Syrian activists say, including at least 27 people working at a hospital supported by Doctors Without Borders. Among the casualties were six hospital staff and three children, the Associated Press reports.

The hospital, Doctors Without Borders (also known by its French acronym MSF, for Médecins Sans Frontières), wrote on Twitter, was “well known locally & hit by direct airstrike on Wednesday.”

At least 186 people have been killed in a wave of violence that has passed over Aleppo since Friday, according to Agence France-Presse.

Rebel rocket and artillery fire on government-held neighbourhoods killed 18 civilians, the Syrian Observatory for Human Rights said.

Two children were among the dead, and about 40 people were wounded.

Regime air strikes on rebel-held districts, including the heavily populated Bustan al-Qasr neighbourhood, killed 20 civilians, including thre civilians, the Observatory said.

Mohammed Alloush, the chief Syrian opposition negotiator in the foundering Geneva peace talks, blamed the hospital attack on President Bashar Assad’s forces, describing them as one of his latest “war crimes.”

“Whoever carries out these massacres needs a war tribunal and a court of justice to be tried for his crimes. He does not need a negotiating table,” Alloush told the AP. “Now, the environment is not conducive for any political action.”

Jalopnik Volvo Engineer Calls Out Tesla For Dangerous ‘Wannabe’ Autopilot System | Lifehacker The Co


The Illuminati’s Secret Celebrity Murder and Cloning Centers, Explained

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The Illuminati’s Secret Celebrity Murder and Cloning Centers, Explained
Image: Jim Cooke/Photo: Getty

Have you ever noticed that, sometimes, a certain celebrity seems ever so slightly off? Maybe its an errant beauty mark or the fact that their eyelids have begun to blink sideways. You can feel in your heart that something’s just not right. That’s because your darling idol is dead.

Don’t worry, though, because before they were killed, your favorite celebrity was cloned. Which means that unlike Paul McCartney (who was simply replaced with a lookalike), countless incarnations of your dearly departed could be walking among us for centuries to come.

But how do we know this? Why would anyone let this happen? And am I okay? As far as the first two are concerned, a man named Donald Marshall has the answers. The latter is anyone’s guess.


Queen Elizabeth, the Clone-Loving Bitch

As he revealed on Facebook in 2011, Donald Marshall, a clone himself, is an otherwise normal guy who had the bad luck of finding himself in a so-called “cloning station” run by Queen Elizabeth. When Marshall was born, his family was already living in the cloning center. Yet in all his writings and interviews, he never specifies exactly why his family lived in this clandestine Illuminati palace in the first place. Details, details.

Still, Marshall’s discussions on the matter have been extensive. A Google search for “Donald Marshall cloning” brings up about 230,000 different results, many of which weren’t even written by Marshall himself. Nearly every clone-related conspiracy blog out there has discussed him or his tale, and it’s hard to find a video that makes mention of celebrity cloning without alluding to some aspect of the Donald Marshall canon.

The basics of his story (which do occasionally shift) go something like this: During his time at the cloning station, Marshall discovered that the entire operation is run by a collective consisting of the Freemasons, a group called “The Vril Society,” and of course, Scientologists. This secret society super-group is what we know today as the ever-elusive Illuminati.

Members of the Illuminati (which naturally include all the G20 world leaders) typically meet in subterranean bunkers. The very same bunkers that, according to Marshall, house what has become a highly lucrative network of celebrity cloning farms.

The cloning part of the operation didn’t actually start until some time after World War II, at which point, and as Marshall explains in his Facebook post, “The political people started bringing movie stars and musicians there to hang around with them, they can control who remembers the cloning facility and who will remain oblivious even though not remembering still damages you.”

Some of these clones are used for mere entertainment value (gladiator-style wrestling bouts, sexual perversions, Illuminati ritual sacrifices, what have you). Others are kept as precautionary measures should the clone’s original ever need a new liver. If you saw 2005 sci-fi flick The Island, you already know exactly what I’m talking about—because in a fit of hubris, The Island was produced by none other than the Illuminati themselves.

Organ harvesting is the least of your worries as a clone, though. In his original tell-all Facebook post from 2011, Marshall explained:

The royal family of England,... yes Queen Elizabeth, Phillip Duke of Edinburgh and Prince Charles are the worst of them, unbelievable depraved perverts all showing off for the celebrities that go there, Elizabeth has the children there call her “lillibet” and does ungodly things to them, some she fakes being nice to, some she is terrible to, cutting them with swords while they scream, the decent people that are there against their will are afraid to say anything against them, most have their children there as a kind of hostage, to be torn apart if they even think of informing anyone, but as they have been torturing me terribly anyway I will tell all, Vladamir Putin loves to put the fear of torture and death into people but is essentially a cowardly pervert himself.

Most of the famous people are ashamed to speak or be seen by me there very much,as they’re ashamed of the perverse and disgusting gatherings, I am a decent person and will not participate in these acts, so they use me as an example and torture me for my being a good person.

Just like with twins or Real Dolls, if you torture a person’s clone, the original will feel it and might even undergo physical damage. Each new clone decreases your mental capacity, as well, so the more clones made, the easier that person is to hurt or subdue. Two of Queen Elizabeth’s favorite pastimes.

And as all the pros know, if you really want to keep someone under your thumb, all you have to do is kill the original copy. Clones are notoriously obedient, which apparently comes in handy when you need them to churn out hit single after hit single. Don’t take my word for it, just ask Avril‘s clone—or any of the other high profile clones below.


Britney Spears

Britney Spears is dead. That is, assuming the now-defunct (but accessible here) website BritneyIsDead.com isn’t lying to us.

Because back in 1998, right before dropping the now-classic rock opera Baby One More Time, Britney and Justin Timberlake got into a particularly nasty car accident that resulted in severe burns on Justin’s part and an unfortunate case of decapitation on Britney’s. (Justin is still in a coma; his clone roams free.)

Because pop stars must have heads, the label was forced to find a Britney Spears stand-in. This is where the stories begin to diverge. BritneyIsDead.com claims that the label’s producers went to the mall and found a young look-a-like named Britney Shears. This seems unlikely and leaves us with only one possibility: Donald Marshall was right.

It was time to clone Britney.

The Illuminati’s Secret Celebrity Murder and Cloning Centers, Explained
Image: YouTube

Over the years, plenty of Britney clones have come and gone, which would explain her many emotional ups and downs. According to Marshall, though, at any given time there are at least two to five backup clones waiting underground for their turn in the spotlight.

Like any clone, the Britney copies are not at all happy with their lot in life. So in 2009's “Break the Ice,” one of the songs written for Britney by Donald Marshall during his time as a pop clone lyricist, she managed to sneak in some hints at the reality of her situation. This included an accompanying animated video that depicts her blowing up an actual cloning center.

And according to Marshall, the tubes detailed in the video look “exactly” like the real tubes in the cloning center.

The Illuminati’s Secret Celebrity Murder and Cloning Centers, Explained
Image: YouTube

Why Queen Elizabeth and the rest of her Illuminati cohorts would allow a menial clone to expose the secrets of their arcane operation, however, remains a mystery.


Eminem

There have long been rumors that Eminem checked himself into rehab after a drug overdose in 2005. He even said a few years ago that he “nearly died” at one point. He used the word “nearly,” of course, because when one is survived by innumerable copies of one’s former self, one can never really be dead.

When Slim Shady reached worldwide phenom status in the late 90s, the Illuminati approached him (as they do with all up and coming superstars) to see how willing he would be to join their gang of ultra-powerful miscreants. Shady foolishly declined, and was thus sent off to meet his demise in a fatal car crash. Or as far as the rest of the world was concerned, Eminem went to “rehab.”

Of course, no clone is perfect. The video below, which is available for download here, goes so far as to point out the vocal disparities between the original Eminem and his counterpart.

And if that doesn’t have you convinced, this shirting hairline surely will.

The Illuminati’s Secret Celebrity Murder and Cloning Centers, Explained
Image: YouTube

Or perhaps this little yellow circle:

The Illuminati’s Secret Celebrity Murder and Cloning Centers, Explained
Image: YouTube

And like noted clone Al Roker, Eminem’s clone once suffered a glitch on live television and nearly gave himself away in the process.

No doubt that clone was killed immediately after the interview aired. Embarrassing!


Miley Cyrus

The Illuminati’s Secret Celebrity Murder and Cloning Centers, Explained
Image: Imgur

Back in 2010, as with all incurably rebellious teen sensations, Disney had Miley Cyrus killed and dumped her remains in the California desert.

There are two different possible reasons for this. One theory states that in the months before her “accident,” Miley leaked nudes, smoked salvia, and wrote in a song that she was “hot.” Which is to say, Miley Cyrus had become a national disgrace. To save its brand, Disney’s was left with only one option: Murder.

The other theory (and the one outlined in the image above) alleges that Miley Cyrus refused the sexual advances of various Disney executives (her father included). After realizing that Miley intended to remain steadfast in her decision not to partake in their blood orgies, a Disney higher-up beat her up, left her for dead, and brought in the clones.

The Miley Cyrus conspiracyes actually go even deeper than the rest. This YouTube video claims to contain proof that Miley Cyrus is “a confirmed Draco Reptilian Shapeshifter Hybrid.” Note the eyelids.

Either way, whatever did replace end up replacing Miley is far more malicious than your typical clone. This Miley is mean.

Allow Donald Marshall to explain:

The Illuminati’s Secret Celebrity Murder and Cloning Centers, Explained

So does that mean that every celebrity we see is actually a clone suffering under Queen Elizabeth’s barbarous rule? Of course not. Not even the Queen Mother has the capacity to make that many celebrity doubles. But are most celebrities Illuminati clones? Almost certainly, yes.


Honorable mentions

[Those who have not yet been killed and replaced by clones but it’s only a matter of time]

  • Chloë Grace Moretz
  • Stephen Curry
  • James Franco
  • Oprah’s boyfriend Steadman
  • Steve Harvey
  • Dr. Oz
  • Gizmodo editor-in-chief Katie Drummond
  • Bono
  • Everyone you love

John Boehner: Ted Cruz Is "Lucifer in the Flesh"

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John Boehner: Ted Cruz Is "Lucifer in the Flesh"
Image: Getty

A new article in Stanford’s student paper includes one of the most inflammatory, wonderful quotes of the entire election cycle, in which the former Speaker of the House completely shits on completely unlikeable presidential candidate Ted Cruz.

http://gawker.com/carly-fiorina-...

The article, from a speaking appearance by a brutally honest Boehner at Stanford’s Cemex Auditorium, begins on a great enough note: “You can call me boner, beaner, jackass, happy to answer to almost anything.” Good shit, I love it, this interview is promising.

http://gawker.com/ted-cruz-desec...

And then, delicious dessert:

Much of the discussion – and laughs – focused on Boehner’s views on the current presidential candidates. Segueing into the topic, Kennedy asked Boehner to be frank given that the event was not being broadcasted, and the former Speaker responded in kind. When specifically asked his opinions on Ted Cruz, Boehner made a face, drawing laughter from the crowd.

“Lucifer in the flesh,” the former speaker said. “I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.”

Ask yourself: What was the last good thing that happened to Ted Cruz?

Arianna Huffington Would Like to Remind You She Lives in an Opulent Palace

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Arianna Huffington Would Like to Remind You She Lives in an Opulent Palace
Photo: Getty

Media mogul and schmooze artist Arianna Huffington is currently in contract negotiations with her newly unionized employees, and doing her best to piss them off. What better time to show off her fabulous wealth?

http://gawker.com/arianna-huffin...

Yesterday, people who care about outdated concepts such as “gross conflicts of interest” were perhaps upset to learn that Arianna, who serves as the top editor of her news site, was joining the board of Uber. That’s crazy, journalistically speaking! Among those upset by the news were reporters who work at Huffington Post and often cover Uber. These same reporters recently unionized (with the WGAE, the same union that Gawker Media belongs to), despite some pronounced foot-dragging by the company. All of this will serve as the backdrop for the contract negotiations of hundreds of HuffPo journalists and editors forced to operate in Arianna-land.

Anyhow... did you know that Arianna is extremely rich and lives in an opulent Soho apartment resplendent with the finest luxury goods? If not, you can be reminded of this fact in exquisite detail today thanks to this new New York Times Real Estate section profile of Arianna at home. What rare treasures occupy her custom-decorated multimillion-dollar loft? “Thronelike bergère chair covered in brocade Fortuny fabric?” Check. A “custom bookcase, a gilded Louis XV desk, gilded bronze and cobalt 18th-century candelabra and a 19th-century Italian mirror above the fireplace?” Check. A tossed-off allusion to her second home in Brentwood, with “a garden of entirely white flowers?” Check.

The knowledge that you are a journalist making a very modest living while working for this lady who lounges in a palatial apartment each night plotting ways to embarrass you by indulging in grotesque corporate makeout parties with some of America’s most controversial CEOs? Priceless.

[Disclosures]

193 Days and a Wake Up

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193 Days and a Wake Up
Thrilled Ted Cruz supporters watch as he announces his union with Carly Fiorina. Image: Getty

Fun Lovers Unite!

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Fun Lovers Unite!

Author and friend of Gawker Mac Montandon is behind Fun Lovers Unite!, an evening of music and comedy benefiting the Manhattan Chapter of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, happening Wednesday, May 11, at New York’s Highline Ballroom, featuring Yo La Tengo, Janeane Garofalo, and many more. Tickets, including a $20 ticket for students, are available here. In 2013, Montandon contributed the essay “A Hollywood Ending,” about the death of his brother and its aftermath.

http://www.funloversunite.com/#funloversunit...

http://gawker.com/a-hollywood-en...

Edward Snowden’s Latest Leak: His Terrible Music Video

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Edward Snowden’s Latest Leak: His Terrible Music Video
*Air horn sounds*

Think back on the last two weeks of your life. Have you felt like part of your soul was missing? Have you noticed an eery silence ringing in your ears? Did you wake up in a cold sweat at 3:28 am last night and scream, “GODDAMMIT EDWARD, YOU GAVE US A SINGLE, BUT WHERE IS THE MUSIC VIDEO?”

Your nightmare is over, because Edward Snowden has finally gifted the world with a music video for his single, “Exit.” The Verge premiered the clip, and described it as “definitely strange.”

That’s one way to put it. Another would be to call this music video a fitting visual representation for a truly, truly bad song.

It appears as though the video’s creators simply decided to crib together clips of news broadcasts, The Matrix, random hackers, and shots of Jean Michel Jarre, Edward Snowden’s music-making partner, wearing sunglasses while riding public transportation. There’s also a lengthy clip in the middle of an old Snowden interview, which ends with nine Snowdens on the screen.

Of course, the message—not to mention Snowden’s contributions to raising the world’s collective awareness about privacy—is no laughing matter. The NSA remains a terrifying, monstrous entity, and Snowden’s role in revealing the clusterfuck of global surveillance operations and government spying has been nothing short of transformative.

But this music video is fucking hilarious. And somewhere in cold, snowy Russia, Edward is masturbating furiously while watching it on a combined loop with the trailer for the new Snowden movie.

[The Verge]

Feds Subpoena City Hall and Mayoral Allies in Fundraising Probe

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Feds Subpoena City Hall and Mayoral Allies in Fundraising Probe
Photo: AP

Several of Bill de Blasio’s closest aides and political allies have been hit with subpoenas as part of the unfolding investigation by federal and state prosecutors into the mayor’s fundraising activities. De Blasio himself “has not been personally served,” Maya Wiley, counsel to the mayor, told the Wall Street Journal on Wednesday night.

Investigators are seeking documents related to fundraising for the Campaign for One New York, a nonprofit set up and run by alumni of de Blasio’s election campaign to advocate for his agenda. (Campaign for One New York was disbanded earlier this year after watchdog group Common Cause New York called for its investigation.) From the Journal:

The allies who received subpoenas include Emma Wolfe, the mayor’s director of intergovernmental affairs and his chief political aide; Ross Offinger, his top fundraiser; and BerlinRosen, a consulting firm that works on the mayor’s political campaigns and was co-founded by Jonathan Rosen, a top adviser to Mr. de Blasio.

Other political consultants and firms close to the mayor have also gotten subpoenas, the people said.

“We are not commenting on the details of the investigations,” mayoral press secretary Karen Hinton told the New York Daily News. “All involved followed the letter of the law and are cooperating fully with the investigations.”

“We’re proud of the work we do for our clients,” BerlinRosen said in a statement. “We have acted appropriately and in accordance with the law at all times.”

According to the Journal, investigators are also looking for documents related to the mayor’s unsuccessful attempt to reclaim the state Senate for the Democratic Party in 2014. Last week, the Daily News obtained a memo from the state Board of Elections’ Chief Enforcement Officer, Risa Sugarman, to the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office, alleging that the mayor had committed “willful and flagrant” violations of campaign finance law.

The state Board of Elections is effectively controlled by Governor Andrew Cuomo, whose feud with the mayor is well documented. In fact, de Blasio’s elections attorney, Laurence Laufer, has accused Sugarman’s letter (and its leak) of being “politically motivated.” Sugarman spent years working for Cuomo when he was New York State Attorney General, and Cuomo appointed her to her current position.

Investigators have also subpoenaed NYCLASS, an animal-rights group leading the effort to ban the hourse-carriage industry in New York, which during the 2013 mayoral election gave $225,000 to another group, “New York Is Not For Sale,” whose sole purpose was to oppose the candidacy of Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s heir apparent, then-Speaker Christine Quinn. Two members of NYCLASS’s board of directors, Steve Nislick and Wendy Neu, also sat on New York Is Not For Sale’s steering committee. They also gave more than $100,000 to Campaign for One New York.

De Blasio promised to ban the use of carriage horses “on day one” of his administration. He has not been able to do deliver on that promise.


Tobacco giant Altria today posted strong profits, with analysts crediting the fact that low gas pric

Donald Trump's Attack on Hillary Clinton’s “Stamina" is Ripped From the Conservative Conspiracy Playbook

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If Donald Trump made one thing clear in the victory speech he delivered after sweeping a handful of Republican primaries this past Tuesday, it’s that he now views Hillary Clinton to be his only opponent.

He made it clear by lobbing several ridiculous claims aimed at deflating her candidacy, such as stating that he “will do more for women than Hillary Clinton will ever do.” He also said that Clinton doesn’t have the “strength” or the “stamina” to be president, a line of attack that Trump has been trotting out for months.

http://gawker.com/donald-trump-i...

Above is a supercut of Trump repeating that line in forums such as his own rallies and high-profile thinkfluencer programs like Meet the Press. It is a preview of how he plans to characterize Clinton if and when they meet in the general election, and it’s notable in that it is ripped straight from the pages of conservative tinfoil-hat websites and blogs who have been obsessed with Clinton’s health for years.

Trump has been quick to clarify that he’s not insinuating that Clinton has a “health issue,” but his fixation on Clinton’s energy—down to theorizing about when and where she sleeps—is a high-pitched dog whistle aimed at the sort of people who read Republican-interest publications ranging from crypto-conspiracy Bibles like World Net Daily and The Drudge Report to more “mainstream” right-wing websites like The Daily Caller and Breitbart.

http://gawker.com/a-guide-to-the...

All of the above have been frothing at the mouth with theories about the state of Clinton’s mind and body, and now they have a candidate willing to act as a megaphone.

Video by Erika Audie

Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More

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Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More

Amazon’s Fire TV Stick, a Cuisinart immersion blender, and a solar battery pack lead off Thursday’s best deals.

Bookmark Kinja Deals and follow us on Twitter to never miss a deal. Commerce Content is independent of Editorial and Advertising, and if you buy something through our posts, we may get a small share of the sale. Click here to learn more, and don’t forget to sign up for our email newsletter.

Top Deals

Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Amazon Fire TV Stick, $35 | With Voice Remote, $45

Amazon’s Fire TV Stick is a perfectly capable little streaming device, and if you own any TVs without access to smart apps, you can pick one up for $35, today only. Granted, $5 isn’t a huge discount, but it is the first deal we’ve seen in several months.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GDQ0RMG/...

For $10 more, you can get it bundled with a voice remote, which allows you to search for movies, pull up sports scores, and more via Amazon’s Alexa virtual assistant.

http://www.amazon.com/Fire-TV-Stick-...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Char-Griller Akorn Kamado Kooker, $288

If you want a Big Green Egg charcoal grill, but don’t want to cash in your 401(k) to buy one, this Char-Griller alternative is down to an all-time low $288 today, and a great investment for meat lovers everywhere.

The Char-Griller Akorn Kamado Kooker features a 306 square inch cast iron cooking surface (which is most similar to the $829 large Big Green Egg), and traps heat inside a heavily-insulated stainless steel body. Our deal researcher, Corey, owns a BGE, and I asked him about it on Slack:

And I use my BGE for about 70% of meat meals.

Probably 90% during the warm months.

Best Father’s Day gift I’ll ever get.

Lana jokes that she’s the one who benefits most because I cook on it all the time.

Worth the price just for its ability to cook pizza, IMO.

But pork chops, lions, tenderloin are beyond incredible on it.

Obviously, this isn’t the “real thing,” but the consensus among Amazon reviewers is that it’s at least nearly as good, which sounds like a decent compromise considering it’s only about 1/3 of the price, and comes with a stable cart and folding shelves, both of which you’d need to buy separately with the Egg.

http://www.amazon.com/Char-Griller-K...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
All Clad Tri-Ply Skillets: 12" with lid, $90 | 12" with no lid, $82 | 10" with lid: $75

All-Clad skillets are among the most popular pieces of cookware we’ve ever posted, and Amazon’s marked the 10 and 12" tri-ply down to their lowest prices ever.

These skillets feature a durable stainless steel cooking surface, an even and rapid-heating aluminum core, and a beautiful stainless exterior, all sandwiched together to create the ultimate pan. And, like all All-Clad items, it comes with a lifetime warranty, though you probably won’t need it so long as you treat it well.

You’ve actually got a few different options to choose from today. Most buyers will want to opt for the 12" skillet with lid for $90, but if you don’t think you need a lid, you can get the skillet by itself for $82. And if you’re only cooking for one or two, you might be able to get away with the 10" model (with a lid) for $75.

http://www.amazon.com/All-Clad-Stain...

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T6MSIS/...

http://www.amazon.com/All-Clad-Stain...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
George Foreman Indoor/Outdoor Electric Grill, $85 after 15% coupon.

If you live in an apartment building, but still want to enjoy grilling meats and veggies out on your patio, this George Foreman electric grill can get the job done for $85 (after a 15% discount is automatically applied at checkout), no flames required.

The grill’s 240 square inch grilling surface is large enough to cook for an entire family, and if the weather’s not cooperating, you can even remove the base and set it up indoors on your counter. Obviously, an electric grill will never replicated the smokey flavors of charcoal, but most of the fun of grilling is cooking meat outdoors with a beer in your hand, and this allows apartment dwellers to enjoy the same experience.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Mother’s Day Diamond Jewelry Sale

Mother’s Day is on the horizon, and no mom has ever complained about getting diamond jewelry as a gift. Amazon’s Gold Box is chock full of different earrings, necklaces, and more today, and with prices starting under $30, you can find something to fit any budget. Like all Gold Box deals though, these prices are only available today, or until sold out.


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
$100 Gap/Banana Republic/Athleta/Old Navy Gift Card, $85

If you make a habit of shopping at Banana Republic, Gap, Old Navy, or Athleta, you can pick up a $100 e-gift card today on eBay for just $85. Since it’s just a gift card, your savings will stack with any other deals or promotions the retailers offer as well.

Note: Yes, I know it’s labeled as a Banana Republic gift card, but it’s valid at all of the stores listed above.


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Cuisinart Smart Stick, $29

If you’ve ever thought about pulling out your blender to make a smoothie, sauce, or dip, and then held off because you didn’t want to clean 3,000 different parts, this deal is for you. The 4.5 star-rated Cuisinart Smart Stick Hand Blender is down to $29 today on Amazon, the best price they’ve listed all year.

The big advantage here is that unlike a traditional blender, you can dip the Smart Stick into whatever container you were already using to hold your ingredients; be it a single-serve cup or a huge mixing bowl. That saves you time, and means fewer dishes to clean up once you’re done. Reviewers also say it chops through everything from fruit to ice cubes with no trouble, so it really can be a full blender replacement for most use cases.

As always, we don’t know how long this deal will be available, so be sure to grab one before the price shoots back up.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ARQVM5O/...

http://deals.kinja.com/i-use-this-thi...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Waterpik Aquarius Water Flosser, $60 after $10 coupon. Discount shown at checkout.

Waterpik is an easier (and they would argue more effective) way to “floss” between your teeth, and Amazon is once again taking $10 off the Aquarius model, in case you missed out last month. Discount shown at checkout.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Biofreeze Gold Box

Today only, Amazon’s offering big discounts on highly rated Biofreeze pain relief products, starting at $19.

Biofreeze can be applied directly to the skin to relieve muscle pain, arthritis, and other forms of soreness. I can’t say I’ve ever used it, but it has great reviews from customers, so if you’ve been feeling achy, it may be worth a shot.

There are three different products available in today’s Gold Box. The most expensive 32 ounce gel bottle has a lot of bad reviews saying it wasn’t the right formula, so I would probably avoid it. However, the 100 count gel packets and the 16 ounce spray bottle both have great reviews, and an additional 15% coupon you can clip if you purchase them through Amazon Subscribe & Save (prices below reflect the 15% savings).

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...

http://deals.kinja.com/that-is-ironic...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Anker Aluminum Bluetooth Speaker, $16 with code WOWDEALA

Anker makes several of your favorite Bluetooth speakers, and while this aluminum model wasn’t one of the Co-Op nominees, it still has great reviews, and you can save a whopping $20 on its $36 price tag today with promo code WOWDEALA. That’s easily the best deal we’ve ever seen on this model.

http://co-op.kinja.com/these-are-your...

http://www.amazon.com/Wireless-Bluet...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Aukey QC 2.0 10,400mAh Battery Pack, $15 with code AYRDFKQJ | ZeroLemon SolarJuice 20,000mAh Battery Pack, $20 with code PFSNMNU4

Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but we’ve spotted a pair of pretty unique USB battery pack deals today.

First up, the ZeroLemon SolarJuice features a built-in solar panel to recharge itself on the go. Obviously, it won’t recharge a 20,000mAh battery very quickly, but it can add a little bit of extra juice during a camping trip or day at the beach. Plus, $20 is a great price for any 20,000mAh battery, so you aren’t even really paying any extra for the solar panel.

http://www.amazon.com/ZeroLemon-Y594...

Next up, this 10,400mAh pack from Aukey features Quick Charge 2.0 for just $15. That’s one of the best deals we’ve ever seen on a Quick Charge-compatible battery pack, and a great deal as long as your phone supports it.

http://www.amazon.com/10400mAh-Porta...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
MIU Color 300ml Oil Diffuser, $24 with code MIUCOLOR

Not only do this cheap, color-changing oil diffuser make a room smell nice, it actually humidify it too. Just don’t forget to pick up some essential oils to go with it.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01...

http://www.amazon.com/Kis-OilS-Thera...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Holiday Laser Light, $20 with code LNUH9UAX

You don’t need it for another 7 months or so, but $20 is as good a price as you’ll find on a landscape laser light projector, if you want to get an early jump on your holiday decorating.

If you aren’t familiar, these genius little gadgets use lasers to project red and green lights onto the front of your house, giving the appearance of holiday spirit without the hassle of actually hanging up outdoor lights. Last year was the first time they were widely available, but they were almost impossible to find, and consistently cost $40-$50. So yes, this deal is about half a year ahead of schedule, but it never hurts to plan ahead.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B017SPAVLC?...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Xbox One Gamepad, $35

It doesn’t come in the original box, but $35 is the best price we’ve seen on an Xbox One gamepad, if you’re in the market. Remember, these will also work with your PC.


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Ninja Professional Blender BL610, $75

The Ninja Professional BL610 is slightly less powerful (1000 watts vs. 1100) than the BL660—your newly-minted favorite affordable blender—and it doesn’t include the single-serve smoothie cups, but it’s still an absolute steal at $75, an all-time low.

http://co-op.kinja.com/your-favorite-...

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NGV4506/...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Best Buy 1-Day Video Game Sale

Best Buy’s running a pretty impressive video game sale today, with an extra 20% off for Gamers Club Unlocked members. Highlights include Fallout 4 for $30, GTA V for $35, and several discounted amiibo. Be sure to head over to Best Buy’s site though to see the full list.


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Mpow Seashell Bluetooth Headphones, $26 with code XQONBSZM

Mpow brought affordable Bluetooth headphones to the mainstream, and today, they’ll sell you a pair with active noise cancellation and IPX4 waterproofing for $26. Awesome haircut not included.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B016WFWU04?...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Rocket League, $10 with code KINJA20

Rocket League just came out with a new basketball mode, so if you haven’t tried it yet, there’s never been a better time to pick up a copy. Green Man Gaming has the PC version marked down to $12 right now, and promo code KINJA20 will knock that down to $10, the best price we’ve ever seen.

http://kotaku.com/rocket-leagues...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Thermos Stainless Steel Beverage Can Insulator, $8

Let’s be honest here, thin fabric koozies are mostly useful for decoration; they don’t really keep a can cold for very long. This imposing metal Thermos contraption though? It’s the real deal.

Thermos’s stainless steel can insulator uses vacuum insulation and thick walls to actually provide a barrier between your beverage and the outside world. They go so far as to claim that it will keep a can cold for up to 3 hours, and even if that’s a little bit of marketing hyperbole, what could possibly be in that can that takes more than an hour to drink?

Over 1,200 Amazon reviewers have given the Thermos a 4.6 star review average, and you can get one (or more!) for just $8 right now. Cheers!

http://www.amazon.com/Thermos-Stainl...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
NETGEAR PowerLINE Wi-Fi 1000, $80

If your Wi-Fi signal isn’t quite strong enough in certain corners of your home, this discounted wireless Powerline kit can fill in the gaps.

The kit comes with two pieces, an adapter and an access point. All you have to do is connect the adapter to your router with an ethernet cable, and plug it into an AC outlet on your wall. Then, plug in the wireless access point into another outlet, and all of the 1s and 0s will flow between them via your home’s existing electrical wiring, essentially turning the access point into an extra wireless router.

The kit almost always sells for $100 on Amazon, and today’s $80 deal matches an all-time low. If it helps eliminate your wireless dead zones, that’ll be money well spent.

http://www.amazon.com/NETGEAR-PowerL...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Garmin Vivofit Bluetooth Fitness Band Bundle with Heart Rate Monitor, $50

While not without its flaws, Garmin’s Vivofit fitness tracker is unique in offering a truly waterproof design, the ability to pair with a heart rate monitor, and most notably, over a year of battery life via a standard watch battery. When it launched a couple years ago, the tracker and an optional heart rate monitor would have set you back $170, but now, you can get both for just $50.

http://gizmodo.com/garmin-vivofit...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
SanDisk Ultra Fit 128GB Flash Drive, $29

128GB in a flash drive the size of your fingernail. What a world. Other than a very brief $25 deal, this is the best price we’ve ever seen on this model.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01BGTG2A0/...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Inateck 4-Port USB Aluminum Hub, $9 with code KZDQGSYQ

If your ultraportable laptop doesn’t have quite enough USB ports, this travel-friendly hub will add three extras for just $9. Obviously, it’ll work with essentially any laptop, but its brushed aluminum design will look right at home next to a Mac.


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Hoover Power Scrub Deluxe Carpet Cleaner, $134

If you’re sick of renting carpet washers every time you spot a new stain, you can buy your own for just $134. The Hoover Power Scrub Deluxe has a squeaky-clean 4.4 star review average from over 4,000 customers, and while today’s price isn’t an all-time low, it’s on the low end of its usual range.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B009ZJ2M7G/...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
AmazonBasics Packing Cubes, $20

Packing cubes can make organizing clothes and toiletries for your next trip a little less hellish, and this highly-rated set of four from AmazonBasics is only $20 today. That’s $5 less than usual, and an all-time low. I actually just bought a set of these, and I absolutely love them.

http://lifehacker.com/5704519/make-y...

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B014VBGRR8/...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
TopGreener 4A Dual USB Charger Receptacle, $18

In case you missed out on last week’s similar deal, here’s a chance to upgrade your existing power outlets with built-in USB charging ports for $18 each. These receptacles have proven very popular with readers in the past, even at higher prices, so be sure to secure a few before Amazon sells out.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS...


Today's Best Deals: Fire TV Stick, Immersion Blender, Battery Packs, and More
Anker 10' PowerLine Lightning Cable, $11

Anker’s kevlar-wrapped PowerLine Lightning cables are some of the most popular we’ve ever posted, and the 10' model is marked down to $11 today on Amazon, an all-time low.

http://bestsellers.kinja.com/bestsellers-an...

Obviously, this isn’t a cable you’ll want to travel everywhere with, but if you want to be able to charge your phone or tablet while sitting on the couch, or if your nightstand is are away from the nearest outlet, an extra-long cable like this should get the job done.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01981J2J6?...

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Wikipedia's Editors Feud Like Teens

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Wikipedia's Editors Feud Like Teens

When the faceless editors of Wikipedia decide an article is not fit for public consumption, it’s gone, only accessible to the site’s top editors—at least, it was. But now we’re keeping track of all the articles Wikipedia doesn’t see fit to print, to present you with very best of the site’s weirdest and worst. Please, enjoy.


List of dropouts

This is the page you go to when you want to tell your parents that school is for assholes who never accomplish anything.

Best line:

Or rather, best dropouts according to highest level of education reached.

Grammar School:

Adolf Hitler

High School:

Nicolas Cage
Cher
Bobby Fischer

College:

Enrique Iglesias, University of Miami
Alex Pareene, NYU (Note: not actually included in list but should have been)

Why it got deleted:

Wikipedia’s editors claim that “this is not a good article” and is “useless,” revealing a marked and alarming pro-school bias.

Why it shouldn’t have been:

School is for nerds.


Derek Ramsey (Wikipedian)

Wikipedia's Editors Feud Like Teens

Derek Ramsey (or Ram-Man) is an early Wikipedia editor whose wildly important bot increased Wikipedia’s article count by nearly 40,000. The bot, dubbed Rambot, used free information from the 2000 census to make stub articles for every missing county, town, city, and village in the U.S.

Guess who made the article about Derek Ramsey.

Best line:

The real fun isn’t necessarily the article itself, but over on the deletion discussion page. Because this is actually Ramsey’s second attempt at getting his own biography up on the site, though he apparently found a friend to write the first (which was ultimately deleted as well).

And Wikipedia’s principled editor’s are in no moo. User EEng had this to say:

“Upon some of Cato’s friends expressing their surprise, that while many persons without merit or reputation had statues, he had none, he answered, “I had much rather it should be asked why the people have not erected a statue to Cato, than why they have.” -Encyclopaedia Britannica (1797)

Assuming you’re notable, you should have let someone else realize that and create the article. Eleven years + no article should tell you something.

Oh hell no.

Ramsey bites back by telling him that “someone else” already did think he was notable (his friend who wrote the first article), and that if Eeng wants to delete the article because he doesn’t like that Ramsey wrote it himself, the least he could do is play Ramsey straight.

To which Eeng is all, that article was deleted you idiot!:

This is getting weird. Your “someone else” link leads to an earlier AfD which was closed 1E, merge to History of Wikipedia — the opposite of your claimed “someone else already did this this was notable.”

Then Ramsey is like, yeah but someone cared enough about me to make it in the first place which is more than I can say for any of you assholes. But unfortunately for Ramsey, Eeng comes in with the mic drop:

“Your honor, even though the jury found me guilty my lawyer stands behind me, so at least someone thinks I’m innocent. That should count for something.”

And that, my friends, is only a fraction of the editor drama on this page, the totality of which I cannot recommend highly enough.

Why it got deleted:

For violating the Wikipedia’s “Oh no you did not!” clause.

Why it shouldn’t have been:

Ramsey seems like he needs this.


Mak Tower

Wikipedia's Editors Feud Like Teens
Image: LWKP.com

Mak Tower is an proposed building in Mongolia that never got builded.

Best line:

Allow me to present the article in full:

An Proposed building never builded in 2014

Why it got deleted:

Because the building isn’t “real” and the article isn’t an “full sentence” and the editors of Wikipedia never learned to believe in the impossible dream.

Why it shouldn’t have been:

What if Oscar Pistorius had been told not to follow through on his dreams? [Ashley, what???]

Actually—nevermind.


Naoya Nomura

Wikipedia's Editors Feud Like Teens

Naoya Nomura is a Japanese pro wrestler

Best line:

When Nomura joined his new wrestling team, Evolution, “He started to change his attire to Evolution colors and has yellow hair.”

Stay true to yourself, Nomura!

Why it got deleted:

Because Nomura hasn’t won any official awards yet. He certainly isn’t going to win any in the future with that kind of attitude.

Why it shouldn’t have been:

His tweets are great!

Gawker stands in solidarity with Naoya Nomura.

The Lawmakers Who Control Your Digital Future Are Clueless About Technology

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The Lawmakers Who Control Your Digital Future Are Clueless About Technology
AP Images

It is becoming increasingly clear that Senators Dianne Feinstein and Richard Burr, co-chairs of the Senate Intelligence Committee, don’t have the slightest clue about how encryption works. Good thing they’re currently pushing disastrous legislation that would force tech companies to decrypt things for law enforcement!

Today Feinstein and Burr co-authored an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal entitled “Encryption Without Tears,” and wow, it is bad. They have yet again demonstrated a failure to grasp even the most basic principles of technology.

Let’s walk through it:

In response to these cases, we are circulating a proposal in the Senate to ensure that technology does not undermine the justice system.

The draft proposal requires a person or a company—when served with a court order—to provide law enforcement with information (in readable form) or appropriate technical assistance that is responsive to the judicial request. This will enable law enforcement to conduct investigations using the communications involved in criminal and terrorist activities.

Sounds simple enough, right? All these tech companies have to do is turn over encrypted data in readable form! This is foolishness. Companies simply don’t have access to the readable form of encrypted user data. That’s the whole point! They can’t help law enforcement even if they want to. What the senators are proposing would force companies to engineer backdoor access to their encryption algorithms, undermining the core principle of what allows encryption to protect you from hackers and criminals.

Feinstein and Burr’s bill is not based in any technical reality. Companies like Apple, Microsoft and Google would have to entirely re-engineer how they encrypt user data, leaving it vulnerable to attackers in the process. No encryption expert has identified a way to allow law enforcement access to encrypted communications without also jeopardizing the security of the everyday user.

The op-ed also cites sad stories in which law enforcement was unable to gain access to the communications of a terrorist and a murdered pregnant woman. Nobody denies that in some cases, encryption may be a hinderance to law enforcement. But what Feinstein and Burr seem to be conveniently forgetting is the amount of crime prevented by secure, backdoor-free encryption. Remember, law enforcement was able to solve crimes before our iPhones encrypted our pictures and text messages.

Moving on:

Our draft bill wouldn’t impose a one-size-fits-all solution on all covered entities, which include device manufacturers, software developers and electronic-communications services. The proposal doesn’t define the technological solutions or tell businesses how to solve the problem. It provides compensation for reasonable costs that businesses may incur when complying with a court order.

This is some really devious doublespeak. There is absolutely no doubt that this bill would require any tech company that encrypts the data of its users to entirely reengineer how it secures said data or run the risk of potentially ruinous fines. While the bill doesn’t explicitly tell companies to build a backdoor into their encryption, it leaves them no other option.

We want to provide businesses with full discretion to decide how best to design and build systems that maintain data security while at the same time complying with court orders.

Again, this makes no sense. This bill would jeopardize the security of all encrypted data. Feinstein and Burr can employ whatever mental gymnastics they want to justify their bill, but there is no escaping this technical reality.

Critics in the industry suggest that providing access to encrypted data will weaken their systems.

Good point. They’re right!

But these same companies, for business purposes, already maintain and have access to vast amounts of encrypted personal information, such as credit-card numbers, bank-account information and purchase histories.

What? Earlier in the op-ed, Feinstein and Burr weren’t asking for credit-card numbers and purchase histories—they were lamenting the fact that law enforcement doesn’t have access to encrypted communications. They specifically cite “109 messages” from a shooter in Garland, Texas that investigators can’t access.

All we are doing is asking companies to find a way to keep their data secure while also cooperating with law enforcement in terrorism and criminal investigations.

The implication that technology companies don’t cooperate with law enforcement when it comes to terrorist investigations is flatly dishonest. Major tech companies routinely provide technical assistance as well as any data they have the ability to access to investigators.

Feinstein and Burr have yet again displayed total incompetence about how encryption works at a very basic level. They show a complete disregard for how vital encryption is when it comes to protecting our data and everything we do online. Aren’t you glad they’re in charge?

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