Kickstarter has issued an apology for allowing a user to fund his rapey "seduction guide" through its site. To prove it's serious, the company has vowed to donate $25,000 to the anti-sexual violence nonprofit RAINN.

Paula Deen's first vague video apology didn't go over so hot, so she's just released another. This version is more rambling and finds her sitting before a giant tray of make-up—presumably the same make-up that was used to render her skin a fetching shade of burnt sienna for the prequel.

[UPDATE: Food Network has reportedly just announced it will not renew Deen's contract when it expires at the end of the month.]

The general vibe here is one of hasty execution. A cluttered table next to Deen bears a can of Diet Coke, a miniature bottle of Poland Spring, and a partially used roll of paper towels. The paper towel roll isn't even standing upright. It's overturned. No dignity for those paper towels.

In this clip, Deen addresses her abrupt cancelation of a scheduled appearance on Today ("Matt, I have to say, I was physically not able this morning") before launching into a slightly more detailed and much more meandering apology.

Here are a few highlights from the equally pause-heavy Apology 2: Paula Deen Boogaloo.

"I want people to understand that my family and I are not the kind of people that the press is wanting to say we are. I've spent the best of 24 years to help myself and others."

"Your color of your skin, your religion, your sexual preference does not matter...to me, but it's what in the heart...what's in the heart...and...my family and I try to live by that."

"I was wrong...Yes...I've worked hard and I've made mistakes but that is no excuse...and I offer my sincere apology to those that I have hurt."

"...I hope that you forgive me because this comes from the deepest part of my heart and I will continue to work and continue to do good things for good people. Thank you for listening."

Earlier this morning (after the skipped Today gig), a photo of Paula being casual in the company of a black person was added to her website.

To contact the author of this post, email caity@gawker.com.

Chef Chris Shepherd, owner of fancy-shmancy Texas eatery Underbelly, swears he'd never heard of In-N-Out Burger's world-famous Double Double before he came up with his own UB Double Double.

As Eater Houston notes, the sandwiches are essentially identical — two patties and two slices of cheese between two buns — except that Underbelly goes the extra mile for freshness by butchering the meat in-restaurant and growing all the vegetables themselves.

Whether or not Shepherd was truly unaware of the cult burger chain's flagship sandwich didn't matter much to In-N-Out, which had its lawyers fire off a cease and desist letter telling Underbelly to quit using their trademarked burger name at once.

And so they did:

In-N-Out Burger has, of course, heard of our Double Double Burger. Henceforth known as the "Cease and Desist Burger." #AskForItByName

— Underbelly (@UnderbellyHOU) June 18, 2013

With all due respect to Mr. Stephen B. Kaplitt, that's how you respond to a cease and desist letter.

[H/T: Laughing Squid, photos via Facebook, Twitter]

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Food Network has just announced it will not renew Paula Deen's contract when it expires at the end of the month. Some Paula Deen fans cannot believe this, for who among us hasn't fantasized about dressing our employees up like Antebellum slaves at one time or another? Many of them have taken to the channel's Facebook page to express their frothy outrage.

Here is what happens when you take away America's butterwitch:

Some people request that Food Network executives fire the President of the United States:

Some people point out that nobody is perfect!!!!!! [A/N: Her surname is spelled "D-E-E-N"]

Some people reveal themselves as scholars of history:

Some people will NO LONGER BE WATCHING EVERYDAY ITALIAN ON DEMAND WHILE EATING CEREAL:

Some people love grilled zucchini casserole :)

Some people act like they don't get it, but they get it:

Some people stand up for "every single white person in America" by railing against BlackPeopleMeet.com:

However, it's important to note that not everyone is mad at Food Network's decision to burn Paula Deen. Some people have found that tart too sexy for some time:

For additional righteous fury (and weird sex stuff), keep refreshing the Food Network Facebook page.

The U.S. has charged NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden with espionage for leaking classified information to the Guardian and the Washington Post. According to the Post, the charges have been filed in Virginia. The U.S. has asked Hong Kong to detain Snowden, who coincidentally celebrates his 30th birthday today.

If Snowden is planning on making a daring escape, now would be the time. Hopefully he steers clear of the Wikileaks plane to Iceland, which may as well have a giant photo of his face on the side.

The first trailer of the incoming Steve Jobs' biopic starring Ashton Kutcher is here. It looks pretty good, albeit a bit overdramatic at times and perhaps not completely accurate. Like his partner-in-crime Steve Wozniak told me after watching the first scene and reading the script, the interaction between him and his friend isn't even close to reality.

Not close...we never had such interaction and roles...I'm not even sure what it's getting at...personalities are very wrong although mine is closer... it's totally wrong. Personalities and where the ideas of computers affecting society did not come from Jobs. They inspired me and were widely spoken at the Homebrew Computer Club. Steve came back from Oregon and came to a club meeting and didn't start talking about this great social impact. His idea was to make a $20 PC board and sell it for $40 to help people at the club build the computer I'd given away. Steve came from selling surplus parts at HalTed he always saw a way to make a quick buck off my designs (this was the 5th time).

The lofty talk came much further down the line.

I never looked like a professional. We were both kids. Our relationship was so different than what was portrayed. I'm embarrassed but if the movie is fun and entertaining, all the better. Anyone who reads my book iWoz can get a clearer picture.

The trailer seems to hit all the key events in Jobs' authorized and unauthorized biographies—like Walter Isaacson's appaling Steve Jobs or Michael Moritz's excellent Return to the Little Kingdom. There is plenty of the legendary personal stuff—his year at Reed College, his first serious love affair and his LSD experiences—and all of the business drama—the rise of Apple, John Sculley's treason, Jobs' exile to NeXT and Pixar, and his triumphant return to Cupertino more than a decade later.

Of course, any trailer can make any movie look great, but at least we now know that his one has some nice-ish moments. The Apple fan legion will probably be happy as they wait for the allegedly better Jobs' biopic, written by Aaron Sorkin, author of The Social Network and The West Wing's creator.

Oh, and one more thing: they changed that stupid jOBS title to just Jobs.

Welcome to Annotate This, where we gather reviews, trailers, and annotate the posters for movies coming out this week. It will help you decide what to avoid, what to see, and what to pretend to see. Click on the image above to add your comments to the mix.

Monsters University

We didn't need it or ask for it, but it's quite alright. The prequel to 2001's Monsters Inc. looks back at the genesis of the friendship between Mike and Sulley (Billy Crystal, John Goodman as cartoon creatures) who both major in kid-scaring at Monsters University. Don't look for it to fix Pixar's woman problem, but it's pleasantly middling, fun and disposable.

World War Z

In this competent adaptation from Max Brooks's fictional oral history, Brad Pitt plays a U.N. worker attempting to save the whole world from a zombie invasion/plague/crisis situation. So far, the film is most notable for claiming the position as the highest-budget zombie movie to date. Though it encountered a lot of shuffling during a difficult development process, it supposedly it held up with some artistry, intelligence and nihilism. Oh and there is a lovely little joke World War Zzzzzzzz.

Maniac

This is a terrifying remake of the 1980 "Taxi Driver of slashers" with Elijah Wood as the killer. It centers on a personal pet peeve and nightmare—nude, disassembled mannequins—therefore, I could barely handle the trailer, but Rich Juzwiak says he liked it! Other reports say the L.A. setting and the soundtrack are cool. It's disturbing, disgusting, as well as down and dirty.

A Hijacking

Danish filmmaker Tobias Lindholm is beating Paul Greengrass to the punch with this tense, gripping, exacting thriller about a Danish cargo ship that is hijacked by Somali pirates. The English-speaking negotiator, played by Abdihakin Asgar, has been hailed as one of the best performances this year.

Bert and Arnie's Guide to Friendship (Limited, iTunes)

This talky directorial debut from Jeff Kaplan focuses on Bert and Arnie (not muppets, real people), who forge an implausible Odd Couple-type friendship when the prudish Bert finds out the amorous Arnie is sleeping with his wife. Matt Oberg and Stephen Schneider play the titular dudes, Anna Chlumsky and Cristin Milioti assist.

Unfinished Song

Called Song For Marion in England, this is a doggedly conventional, cornball crowd-pleaser from Paul Andrew Williams, a director famous for horror films. As one British reviewer writes, it's necessary to "fasten your sick bags for another sentimental singalong for seniors." He also adds that Vanessa Redgrave's overacting seems like a drag Mr. Magoo. Apparently, it's an okay commentary on "male emotional reticence."

The Attack

This devastatingly tense film follows an Arabic man living in Tel Aviv, whose life comes under nightmarish turmoil after his wife is accused of being a suicide bomber. Ziad Doueiri's film infuses sensitive humanity into this subject, without simplifying or seeming propagandistic.

Somm

Jason Wise documents four men who are studying up to pass a very intense exam to confirm that they know how to accurately describe wine. Here is the stupid word play critics couldn't resist using: let's "raise a glass" to this documentary, it's a "delicious tipple," the subject is "bottled," let's "toast" this movie, it "caters to foodies." Wordplay aside, it's engaging commentary on fetishization of mastery, not just about nerds with corkscrews.

Downloaded

Alex Winter's documentary about the rapid rise of Napster in the 1990s, shameful and ethically twisted tumble is too breezy. Nonetheless the subject's impact reverberates, even though Winter seems to have avoided the tough questions.

Rushlights

Rather than summarizing, I'm going to quote the text, unedited, from the trailer: "THEY WERE YOUNG THEY WERE IN LOVE THEY WERE THE PERFECT CONS THIS IS THE SCORE OF A LIFETIME LIES GREED DECEPTION TRUST NO ONE TELL NO ONE HIDE FROM NO ONE BEAU BRIDGES HALEY WEBB JOSH HENDERSON AND AIDAN QUINN RUSHLIGHTS." In case you want a little more detail about this unabashed pulp, two young pretty teens try to falsely claim an inheritance that's not their's and end up in all sorts of trouble. Obviously.

To contact the author of this post, email maggie@gawker.com.

In our correspondence this week, we received a complicated pharmaceutical scam, a straight up fan letter, someone chatting all about Paula Deen, and someone writing about spinach dip (those last two letters are surprisingly unrelated). Enjoy our amusing epistolary exchanges, included below.

Because this email is approximately 200 words and it was presumably all painstakingly typed on a phone, I'm more inclined to give it slightly extra weight. Is that unfair? I think so!

SUBJECT: Paula deen coverage

BODY: I think it's important what you left out of your posts about Paula deens deposition in which she admits to using the "N" word in the past.

You make it sound like she causally and frequently used the word, but you cut off the transcription at the point where she states that she once used it in response to a gun being pointed at her head while working at a bank.

I am not a Paula deen apologist , I just think after reading a CNN article (sad when their article is more accurate) its clear that you cherry picked pieces of her deposition and left important context out. This results in spin. The same kind of spin you decry when FOX engages in.

She goes on to say

"But that's just not a word that we use as time has gone on," she said.

"Things have changed since the '60s in the South. And my children and my brother object to that word being used in any cruel or mean behavior."

I think it's important that you are fair and don't just create posts to fit a nice, neat, narrative of oh, look at the crazy southern racist butter lovin lady

Sent from my iPhone

Look at all the math! Math that becomes money! Seems like a sure thing! Thrilled to be in business with you, scam lady.

SUBJECT: Re: Please work with me. Supply.

BODY: Dear sir,

This is Ms. Victoria Wood, a Secretary to the procurement manager of GSK Pharmaceutical Company.

There is a business I will want us to do together. I want you to participate in supply of medicinal herb. There is this medicinal herb our company used for production of HIV antiviral drugs and is scarce and rare to find. There are two main suppliers of the herbs from Spain and UK to our company (GSK). They supplied 50gms of Lamivudine herb at price rate of $680/sachet, and we do demand about 3,000 in minimum and 10,000 in maximum.

On 15th February 2013, I received their waybill receipt from DHL shipment from India and I was surprised that the price they bought the medicinal herb (Lamivudine) is far cheaper than what we bargain. So they made excessive profit from the supply contract. The waybill shows that each 50gms of lamivudine cost $350/sachet from farmer. Meaning that each supply they made to our company will profit them about $330/sachet and then multiplied by 3,000 on minimum and 10,000 by maximum, giving them $990,000 and $3,300,000 respectively.

To the point!! I have gotten the duo contact of the direct farmers through the receipt they issued to the supplier and included it with the airway bill. When I contacted the farmers, they sent the prices to me, and I would want me and you to start the business on mutual agreement and understanding. I shall give you all the necessary information you need to start. When you sent an Application for Supply to our manager, I would make sure you are granted with an Acceptance Letter for Supply. I will persuade him to accept your application, because you shall be selling cheaper than the present suppliers. You will inform my boss that you shall be given the same quality and quantity of 50gms Lamivudine to our company at $655/sachet.

Note: GlaxoSmithKline Pharmaceutical urgently needs suppliers of these rare medicinal herbs. And they are willing to raise draft in advance to supplier, before the supply. This means that you can be paid up front, before you supply the herbs to our warehouse. But you must be able to provide few samples for a Lab-Test, before inviting you for a contract endorsement and payment.

The reason why I could not disclose this information to my boss is because I have an interest in making money as a young lady. Open up a charity organization to help the poor and needy. All I want from the business is 40% after deduction of cost and you will take 60%. Thank you and God bless you.

Ms. Victoria Wood.

Senior Secretary, Procurement manager.

This is not our blog. Are you just trying to send people to this blog about green-mayo glob? And what's a "positive revert"? Tell me more.

SUBJECT: Your blog posts are poppin!

BODY: Dear owner of http://spinachdip.blogspot.com,

Just finishing up reading a few of your more recent posts on http://spinachdip.blogspot.com.

I really like the content that you come up with. I went ahead and

forwarded your link to my fiance, he will love the site. :) I wanted to further

reach out to you because I have a team of writers and we would love to

contribute to your site by creating premium editorial articles – these feature

fresh, trending content developed by our in-house team, tailored to your

audience. You do not have to pay us anything for this.

You reap the benefits with unique, compelling articles aimed to

improve your website visibility, drive traffic and promote social interest &

shares. All articles we create are original and developed for your site only.

If you already have an editorial calendar in place, we’d like to

contribute! Or, if you’re new to these opportunities, we encourage you to give ita try.

Please do let me know if this caters to your interest.

Looking forward to your positive revert. :)

Website becomes crack.

SUBJECT: gawker is my crack.

BODY: hello

just a random email to say i am seriously addicted to all things gawker. (not to sound like a silly fan girl robot) i'm not as politically savvy as you guys, but i know where i stand on a lot of issues. and whenever i'm not sure, i like to read your opinion. im not saying i wait for you guys to tell me what to think...but i do end up agreeing with much of what you say.

also, thanks for having more posts published during the weekend. im not joking when i say gawker is my crack. i wake up with my laptop next to my head, and immediately press " apple R" on my gawker tab and start reading. i cant get enough. whatever you guys are doing, don't stop.

finally, dare i say it? but i think im slowly becoming an approved commenter. and that is like the best compliment i could ever get. gawker approving my comment makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. " they liked it! they really really liked it!" ( i imagine here is where you guys are rolling your eyes. yah i know im a dork but everything in this email is sincere.)

i love everything u do and everything u stand for.

a loyal and appreciate reader.

Oh dearest writers and readers, have a glorious penultimate June weekend! It's officially summer now, so pay attention to the slowly reducing daylight hours.

[Paula Deen image via Splash; spinach dip image via Andrea Skjold, Shutterstock; pill money image via Wollertz, Shutterstock]

To contact the author of this post, please email maggie@gawker.com.

The New York Times website just published a Style section piece on hip downtown party drug MDMA, aka "molly." Perhaps you've done molly in an sparsely furnished loft somewhere—or a cramped bathroom stall—and soon felt, as one woman described it, "very turned on—not even sexually, but you just feel really upbeat and want to dance or whatever." Or whatever.

Read the whole article if that sounds like your thing (there are other quotes from doctors and Cat Marnell), but more interesting for our purposes is an anecdote at the beginning, in which a college student claims a middle-aged woman of some note supplied her with her first ever dose of molly at a fancy Brooklyn soiree.

At a party not long ago in Park Slope, Brooklyn, Kaitlin, a 22-year-old senior at Columbia University, was recalling the first time she was offered a drug called Molly, at the elegant Brooklyn home of a cultural figure she admired. "She was, like, 50, and she had been written about in the Talk of the Town," said Kaitlin, who was wearing black skinny jeans and a tank top. "This woman was very smart and impressive."

At one point, the hostess pulled Kaitlin aside and asked if she had ever tried the drug, which is said to be pure MDMA, the ingredient typically combined with other substances in Ecstasy pills. "She said that it wasn’t cut with anything and that I had nothing to worry about," said Kaitlin, who declined to give her last name because she is applying for jobs and does not want her association with the drug to scare off potential employers. "And then everyone at the party took it."

Sounds like a great party: college girls bending to the coaxing of 50-year-old ladies asking them to get high. What could go wrong? But more importantly, who is this drug pusher?

Here are the clues: woman, "cultural figure," around 50, lives in Brooklyn, been in the New Yorker's "Talk of the Town" pages. Who could it be? My guess: Paula Deen.

[Image via AP]

Traveling means inevitably forgetting something at home, but America's most hated airline, United, took it to another level this week.

United — which, for some unknown reason, is consistently ranked dead-last among airlines in the American Customer Service Index — casually forgot toilet paper on a 10-hour flight from San Francisco to London. Flight attendants instead stocked the restrooms with cocktail napkins that advised passengers to "Fly By The Tips Of Your Fingers".

Though airline employees are famous for having a sense of humor, the flight attendants weren't kidding when they told passengers to try to use materials in their carry-ons. United later apologized for the "inconvenience," and apparently explained that they were concerned that the flight would have been (more?) delayed had they stopped to restock.

Meanwhile, Southwest accidentally canceled 57 flights and temporarily grounded another 250 last night and this morning after a "computer glitch".

[THP, photo via]

Tim Bartlett, a mechanic from Alberta, Canada, was enjoying a long motorcycle ride down British Columbia's scenic Highway 93 when he spotted something unusual emerging from the woods: a massive wolf. And the wolf didn't just stand there – it chased Bartlett for nearly a mile, at times coming within ten feet of the mechanic.

“It was coming at me. It probably got to within a couple meters, easy, maybe a meter,” Bartlett told the National Post.

After the initial encounter, during which the wolf darted into the road, Bartlett slowed, took out his camera, and turned back for a closer look.

When [the wolf] heard me coming, it jumped back over a [roadside] barrier and it started running. I sped up a little bit, it got in nice and close and I was driving with my right hand and clicking pictures with my left. When I first came back around, it came in really close; probably a bit too close. It would have been a real bad time to run out of gas.

According to Bartlett, the wolf continued the chase for roughly a kilometer, at speeds of 30 to 40 km/h.

"It was bigger than the biggest dog I’ve ever seen," he said to the National Post. “Even over the motor, I could hear it. I could hear its feet on the road."

The chase ended after other cars pulled up behind Bartlett and the wolf. "The last I saw it was running into the trees," he said.

[Images via AP/Tim Bartlett]

Daniel Somers was a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom. He was part of Task Force Lightning, an intelligence unit. In 2004-2005, he was mainly assigned to a Tactical Human-Intelligence Team (THT) in Baghdad, Iraq, where he ran more than 400 combat missions as a machine gunner in the turret of a Humvee, interviewed countless Iraqis ranging from concerned citizens to community leaders and and government officials, and interrogated dozens of insurgents and terrorist suspects. In 2006-2007, Daniel worked with Joint Special Operations Command (JSOC) through his former unit in Mosul where he ran the Northern Iraq Intelligence Center. His official role was as a senior analyst for the Levant (Lebanon, Syria, Jordan, Israel, and part of Turkey). Daniel suffered greatly from PTSD and had been diagnosed with traumatic brain injury and several other war-related conditions. On June 10, 2013, Daniel wrote the following letter to his family before taking his life. Daniel was 30 years old. His wife and family have given permission to publish it.

I am sorry that it has come to this.

The fact is, for as long as I can remember my motivation for getting up every day has been so that you would not have to bury me. As things have continued to get worse, it has become clear that this alone is not a sufficient reason to carry on. The fact is, I am not getting better, I am not going to get better, and I will most certainly deteriorate further as time goes on. From a logical standpoint, it is better to simply end things quickly and let any repercussions from that play out in the short term than to drag things out into the long term.

You will perhaps be sad for a time, but over time you will forget and begin to carry on. Far better that than to inflict my growing misery upon you for years and decades to come, dragging you down with me. It is because I love you that I can not do this to you. You will come to see that it is a far better thing as one day after another passes during which you do not have to worry about me or even give me a second thought. You will find that your world is better without me in it.

I really have been trying to hang on, for more than a decade now. Each day has been a testament to the extent to which I cared, suffering unspeakable horror as quietly as possible so that you could feel as though I was still here for you. In truth, I was nothing more than a prop, filling space so that my absence would not be noted. In truth, I have already been absent for a long, long time.

My body has become nothing but a cage, a source of pain and constant problems. The illness I have has caused me pain that not even the strongest medicines could dull, and there is no cure. All day, every day a screaming agony in every nerve ending in my body. It is nothing short of torture. My mind is a wasteland, filled with visions of incredible horror, unceasing depression, and crippling anxiety, even with all of the medications the doctors dare give. Simple things that everyone else takes for granted are nearly impossible for me. I can not laugh or cry. I can barely leave the house. I derive no pleasure from any activity. Everything simply comes down to passing time until I can sleep again. Now, to sleep forever seems to be the most merciful thing.

You must not blame yourself. The simple truth is this: During my first deployment, I was made to participate in things, the enormity of which is hard to describe. War crimes, crimes against humanity. Though I did not participate willingly, and made what I thought was my best effort to stop these events, there are some things that a person simply can not come back from. I take some pride in that, actually, as to move on in life after being part of such a thing would be the mark of a sociopath in my mind. These things go far beyond what most are even aware of.

To force me to do these things and then participate in the ensuing coverup is more than any government has the right to demand. Then, the same government has turned around and abandoned me. They offer no help, and actively block the pursuit of gaining outside help via their corrupt agents at the DEA. Any blame rests with them.

Beyond that, there are the host of physical illnesses that have struck me down again and again, for which they also offer no help. There might be some progress by now if they had not spent nearly twenty years denying the illness that I and so many others were exposed to. Further complicating matters is the repeated and severe brain injuries to which I was subjected, which they also seem to be expending no effort into understanding. What is known is that each of these should have been cause enough for immediate medical attention, which was not rendered.

Lastly, the DEA enters the picture again as they have now managed to create such a culture of fear in the medical community that doctors are too scared to even take the necessary steps to control the symptoms. All under the guise of a completely manufactured “overprescribing epidemic,” which stands in stark relief to all of the legitimate research, which shows the opposite to be true. Perhaps, with the right medication at the right doses, I could have bought a couple of decent years, but even that is too much to ask from a regime built upon the idea that suffering is noble and relief is just for the weak.

However, when the challenges facing a person are already so great that all but the weakest would give up, these extra factors are enough to push a person over the edge.

Is it any wonder then that the latest figures show 22 veterans killing themselves each day? That is more veterans than children killed at Sandy Hook, every single day. Where are the huge policy initiatives? Why isn’t the president standing with those families at the state of the union? Perhaps because we were not killed by a single lunatic, but rather by his own system of dehumanization, neglect, and indifference.

It leaves us to where all we have to look forward to is constant pain, misery, poverty, and dishonor. I assure you that, when the numbers do finally drop, it will merely be because those who were pushed the farthest are all already dead.

And for what? Bush’s religious lunacy? Cheney’s ever growing fortune and that of his corporate friends? Is this what we destroy lives for

Since then, I have tried everything to fill the void. I tried to move into a position of greater power and influence to try and right some of the wrongs. I deployed again, where I put a huge emphasis on saving lives. The fact of the matter, though, is that any new lives saved do not replace those who were murdered. It is an exercise in futility.

Then, I pursued replacing destruction with creation. For a time this provided a distraction, but it could not last. The fact is that any kind of ordinary life is an insult to those who died at my hand. How can I possibly go around like everyone else while the widows and orphans I created continue to struggle? If they could see me sitting here in suburbia, in my comfortable home working on some music project they would be outraged, and rightfully so.

I thought perhaps I could make some headway with this film project, maybe even directly appealing to those I had wronged and exposing a greater truth, but that is also now being taken away from me. I fear that, just as with everything else that requires the involvement of people who can not understand by virtue of never having been there, it is going to fall apart as careers get in the way.

The last thought that has occurred to me is one of some kind of final mission. It is true that I have found that I am capable of finding some kind of reprieve by doing things that are worthwhile on the scale of life and death. While it is a nice thought to consider doing some good with my skills, experience, and killer instinct, the truth is that it isn’t realistic. First, there are the logistics of financing and equipping my own operation, then there is the near certainty of a grisly death, international incidents, and being branded a terrorist in the media that would follow. What is really stopping me, though, is that I simply am too sick to be effective in the field anymore. That, too, has been taken from me.

Thus, I am left with basically nothing. Too trapped in a war to be at peace, too damaged to be at war. Abandoned by those who would take the easy route, and a liability to those who stick it out—and thus deserve better. So you see, not only am I better off dead, but the world is better without me in it

This is what brought me to my actual final mission. Not suicide, but a mercy killing. I know how to kill, and I know how to do it so that there is no pain whatsoever. It was quick, and I did not suffer. And above all, now I am free. I feel no more pain. I have no more nightmares or flashbacks or hallucinations. I am no longer constantly depressed or afraid or worried

I am free.

I ask that you be happy for me for that. It is perhaps the best break I could have hoped for. Please accept this and be glad for me.

Daniel Somers

[Photo via Gettypremium]

Cardio Party! Comedian "The Fat Jew" is bringing Soulcycle's model to the masses, leading New York's homeless in spin classes atop docked Citibikes.

"The Fat Jew" (real name - Fabrizio Goldstein) pulled his best Danny earlier this week, after discovering that the new Citibikes still pedal while docked. Of course it wouldn't be a true Soulcycle class without someone yelling at you to TURN UP THE RESISTANCE over pounding dubstep, but Goldstein is sporting a crop top and an earpiece/microphone as he tells the homeless riders to tighten up for "bitchin' definition," so he's really not that far off.

"Indoor cycling, it's too expensive, it's not available to everybody, and it's just like, I want the homeless people of New York to have the opportunity to have sick bodies," Goldstein told a woman filming the class. "They could have really gorgeous bodies, they just need the right workout regimen."

It hasn't quite reached cult status yet, but one Citicycler told an observer that spinning made his legs "feel better".

[via]

According to an NBC affiliate in Birmingham, Alabama, Paula Deen was fried for using racial slurs, not fired, like everyone else is reporting. Of course, it's an easy mistake to make since Deen is so often associated with fried food, though the affiliate gets bonus points for also spelling her name incorrectly.

Fried or fired, Deen's fans are still freaking out on Facebook about the announcement.

[h/t Bama Breeze]

Jon Gosselin, former star of Jon and Kate Plus Eight and hero/villain behind the bankruptcy of clothier Ed Hardy, is living in the woods and no longer has an apartment or TV. He does, however, have baby advice for Kim and Kanye, so listen up.

Being a rookie cop and getting laughed at is nothing new, especially if the laughter is coming from protesters and/or your superiors. What is new, it seems, is that everyone laughs at you when you're a rookie cop and a monkey tries to bite your hand off.

Police officer Keith Moore of the Aransas (Texas) Police Department pulled over a driver in a routine traffic stop. When he was giving the driver the electronic copy of the ticket to sign (I hate when cops do that. What happens if I don't sign? Do I not get a ticket? Am I the first person to ever think of this strategy? Lawyers, get back to me) a monkey reached out from behind the driver and bit him.

Immediately, the driver laughs at poor Keith. He scrambles back to his waiting truck, where his sergeant laughs at him. Then he appears on CBS News, where Matt Lauer laughs at him:

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha," the voices shout at Keith. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha." And there Keith is, being mocked for his incredible heroism. How stoic.

At no point does anybody care, at all, whether this monkey has a disease or anything. They just cackle.

"Most of the time, the monkey is exceptionally well-behaved. It regularly poses for pictures with people at carnivals," the New York Daily News informs us, in a completely unsourced statement.

H/t to Arpad!

Edward Snowden, who was charged with espionage yesterday, has not been detained and is in a "safe place" in Hong Kong, according to a report in the South China Morning Post.

The Russian doth protest a little too much.

Russian President Vladmir Putin — who is still denying that he stole New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft's Super Bowl ring — is also willing to do something totally inappropriate and over-the-top, if it'll just get you all to stop talking about it, God, don't you people have lives? According to Putin, shirtless equestrian and diver extraordinaire, he didn't steal the damn ring, but even if he did, he's perfectly happy to make a replica of it so that Kraft can just get over himself already.

“You know, I don’t remember either Mr. Kraft, or the ring,” Putin said, according to Russia’s Interfax news agency, adding that he only remembers some “souvenirs."

"But if it is such a big treasure for Mr. Kraft and the team,” Putin continued with an air of sarcasm, “I have a suggestion.”

“I will ask one of our businesses to make a really good and big thing, so everyone will see it is a luxury piece, made of quality metal and with a stone, so this piece will be passed from generation to generation in the team... This would be the smartest solution partners can ever achieve while tackling such a complicated international problem.”

According to Kraft, Putin tried on the ring — which holds 124 diamonds weighing more than 4.94 karats — during a 2005 meeting. Kraft says the Russian president commented, "I could kill someone with this," pocketed the ring, and walked away. Kraft recently told reporters that although Putin did indeed steal the ring, the Bush White House pressured him to lie and say it was a gift to avoid diplomatic incident.

[ABC, photo via AP]

Between the child-shoving Cookie Monster and the alleged mom-punching Spider-Man, Times Square has seen its fair share of recent drama. And now this: On Friday, Times Square's "Weed Man" was arrested for allegedly stabbing Times Square's "Beer Man." And, of course, Alien and Predator witnessed the whole thing.

The incident apparently began with a disagreement of some sort between the “Beer Man” (Wayne Semancik, aka the guy holding the "I need money for beer” sign in Times Square) and the 'Weed Man (Justin Long, aka the guy holding the "I need money for weed" sign in Times Square). The argument intensified when, according to the Beer Man, the Weed Man spit in the Beer Man's face.

"When you spit in my face, darling, I'm going to hit you. I don't care who you are, how big you are, I'm going to hit you," Semancik (The Beer Man) told NY 1.

The Beer Man then punched the Weed Man, who allegedly responded by pulling out a pen and stabbing the Beer Man several times in the face. “I have five stab wounds in my face right now,” the Beer Man said.

Making the whole weird thing even weirder? Two people dressed as Alien and Predator witnessed the fight and gave statements — apparently in costume — to police after the incident.

[Gothamist/NY Daily News/NY 1/Image via NY 1]