Two Saturdays ago, a LaGuardia Airport worker drove a Southwest Airlines stair car to get pizza for lunch. The New York Post was tipped off to this possible misuse of equipment because that's the tabloid's specialty: cracking down on any sort of proletarian malfeasance that helps make its cranky old readers feel superior about their middling work ethics. Even better, this particular pizza-romping joyride offered the pop-cultural bonus of taking place in a vessel reminiscent of Arrested Development's Bluth Company vehicle.

So the Post looked into the incident and got quotes from a DMV spokesperson, a Port Authority spokesman, and a Southwest Airlines public-relations official.

And Jason Bateman, because calling him to comment on a real-world stair car is sorta kinda funny.

Michael Bluth's human analogue was not amused:

“I get what you’re trying to do. But you know I can’t comment,” he told The Post. “And please don’t call me. Do you understand? You have to go through a publicist. It’s totally unprofessional.”

"You seem more villainous than usual," Bateman continued, "Are you sober?"

[h/t @nichcarlson // New York Post]

To contact the author of this post, contact camille@gawker.com.

A Bulgarian grad student and his American husband have become the first gay couple granted immigration benefits after the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act last week. Unfortunately, Traian Popov and Julian Marsh live in Florida, which continues to not recognize their union.

At least when it comes to HR at Facebook, Path, Squarespace, and Etsy. The following composite was pieced together by Branch co-founder Cemre Güngör, and shows just how unimaginative the Idea Economy can be.

(Click expand above)

If you think about it, though, there's nothing more "incredibly simple and elegant" than hitting copy/paste.

On the same day Russian President Vladimir Putin announced his nation would not hand over NSA leaker Edward Snowden, Snowden, who remains ensconced in Moscow's Sheremetyevo Airport, has allegedly released a statement of his own—but not everybody is buying it.

A brief communiqué—put out via Wikileaks, of course—attacks the Obama administration for its persistent attempts to get Snowden back in the U.S. and charge him with espionage. The name signed to the missive is "Edward Joseph Snowden," but skeptics on Twitter immediately began questioning the message's veracity.

Did Edward Snowden really write this? No American would use plural verbs for America — the United States "have been" http://t.co/gxEBBtBoj2

— Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) July 1, 2013

@fmanjoo Yeah ... also, what American writes dates as "1st July 2013"?

— Olga Khazan (@olgakhazan) July 1, 2013

Read the full statement below and decide for yourself.

Monday July 1, 21:40 UTC

One week ago I left Hong Kong after it became clear that my freedom and safety were under threat for revealing the truth. My continued liberty has been owed to the efforts of friends new and old, family, and others who I have never met and probably never will. I trusted them with my life and they returned that trust with a faith in me for which I will always be thankful.

On Thursday, President Obama declared before the world that he would not permit any diplomatic "wheeling and dealing" over my case. Yet now it is being reported that after promising not to do so, the President ordered his Vice President to pressure the leaders of nations from which I have requested protection to deny my asylum petitions.

This kind of deception from a world leader is not justice, and neither is the extralegal penalty of exile. These are the old, bad tools of political aggression. Their purpose is to frighten, not me, but those who would come after me.

For decades the United States of America have been one of the strongest defenders of the human right to seek asylum. Sadly, this right, laid out and voted for by the U.S. in Article 14 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, is now being rejected by the current government of my country. The Obama administration has now adopted the strategy of using citizenship as a weapon. Although I am convicted of nothing, it has unilaterally revoked my passport, leaving me a stateless person. Without any judicial order, the administration now seeks to stop me exercising a basic right. A right that belongs to everybody. The right to seek asylum.

In the end the Obama administration is not afraid of whistleblowers like me, Bradley Manning or Thomas Drake. We are stateless, imprisoned, or powerless. No, the Obama administration is afraid of you. It is afraid of an informed, angry public demanding the constitutional government it was promised — and it should be.

I am unbowed in my convictions and impressed at the efforts taken by so many.

Edward Joseph Snowden

Monday 1st July 2013

[Image via AP]

Just over a week ago, the owner of a Canadian diner struck up a conversation with a customer, and eventually their talk turned to news about the owner's daughter, who had just been diagnosed with cancer. A few days later, the same customer returned to the diner, again chatted with the owner, and then paid for his meal with a $10,000 check.

During their first meeting, Cliff Luther, the owner of the Saskatchewan diner, took notice of Bob Erb's Legalize Marijuana pin. Luther asked about it and soon discovered that the appropriately-named Erb is a pot activist.

“He was telling me how he thinks legalizing marijuana is the way to go, you know, which was interesting,” Luther told the Ottawa Citizen. “One thing came to another, and he’s from B.C. and I was telling him how my 25-year-old daughter is out there right now and has just been diagnosed with cancer.”

For Erb, Luther's story hit close to home; his own son died four years ago after a battle with cancer, at the age of 26. “He was emotional about it, just as any parent would be in that kind of situation,” Erb said, adding that Luther “was just looking to talk and learn about things from another perspective.”

Several days later, Erb, who won $25 million in the lottery last fall, returned to the diner and ordered a burger and fries. When he was finished eating, he asked Luther for a pen.

“He asked for a pen and said: ‘Here, you can just take the bill out of that,’” Luther said. "It was a check for $10,000. He just kind of said ‘If you need to get out there quickly, this will help you.’”

Luther hasn't cashed the check yet, but says he will soon. “It certainly lightens the load for us,” he said. “There are just some really caring people out there.”

[via New York Daily News]

To contact the author of this post, email taylor@gawker.com

Ecuadorean President Rafael Correa on helping Edward Snowden travel to Moscow from Hong Kong: “It was a mistake on our part.”

The brother of Sen. Mark Udall (D-Colorado) has been missing for nearly a week after taking a hiking trip in Wyoming.

Randy Udall, 61, left for a solo hike along Wyoming's Wind River Range, a trail the experienced backpacker has reportedly hiked many times before, over a week ago. Two days after he was expected to return, authorities in Sublette County were notified of his absence.

"He is missing," Sublette County Sheriff's spokesman Steve Smith told the Denver Post. "He was supposed to be back on the 26th. We were notified on the 28th."

Rescue workers from a private company used ground teams and two helicopters to search over 225 square miles on Friday to no avail. The U.S. Forest Service continued the search over the weekend.

"Mark is concerned about his brother's whereabouts, and he continues to closely monitor the situation," Udall's office said in a statement. "He and his family hope for the best. (Sen. Udall) has remained in contact with those searching for his brother and, along with his family, has waited and hoped for the best.”

[via The Atlantic Wire]

On Monday, a jury acquitted Jeff Olson of all charges related to the anti-bank messages he wrote with chalk on the sidewalks outside of three Bank of America branches in San Diego. Olson faced up to 13 years in jail for the misdemeanor charges.

Watching porn on your work computer is never a good idea, but it's an especially bad idea when your job involves testing a Jumbotron outside the train station of a major city in China. Last week, computer technician Yuan Mou inadvertently broadcast ten minutes of porn to hundreds of on-lookers gathered outside of the station in Jilin City.

Yuan was hired by Southern Advertising Company to repair the giant LED screen, which had malfunctioned sometime in mid-June. Repairing the screen was apparently something of a full-time job, and Yuan took up residence inside the building the screen was attached to in order to finish the repair.

One night last week, probably after a long day of work, Yuan fired up his DVD copy of The Forbidden Legend: Sex and Chopsticks on his work computer, not realizing that the computer was still connected to the LED screen. Approximately ten minutes later, he received a phone call from his employer, letting him know that the porno was being broadcast to hundreds of onlookers scattered throughout the station's square.

Yuan immediately disconnected his computer and ditched the DVD, but by then it was too late. Jilin police took him into custody for questioning on Friday, and he reportedly confessed, though it's unclear if he's been charged with any sort of crime.

[Image via Sina Weibo/South China Morning Post]

To contact the author of this post, email taylor@gawker.com

Fair warning: Don't watch this video if you don't want to see police arresting a man and then shooting his dog in front of him in broad daylight.

A video making the rounds this evening allegedly depicts California man Leon Rosby being arrested yesterday before police shot his dog to death as he and other civilians looked on in horror. According to Rosby's attorney, Michael Gulden, Rosby was simply videotaping a police action in his Hawthorne neighborhood when cops approached him to arrest him for "obstructing an investigation," a charge Gulden calls "ridiculous." "[H]e was driving by and noticed the police activity and stopped to watch," Gulden told me in an email, "as is common when this type of activity is going on in any neighborhood."

The Daily Breeze reports that the music playing in Rosby's car may have been what initially motivated police, who were on an armed robbery call, to confront him:

As some, including resident Gabriel Martinez, aimed their cellphones at the scene to record it, Rosby drove up in his rented black Mazda. [Police spokesperson Scott] Swain said Rosby stopped in the intersection with music blaring from his windows. Officers told him to turn down the music because they were trying to hear what was happening down the street. Rosby pulled forward, parked and got out with his dog, but left the music still playing loudly.

"It's distracting the officers," Swain said. "It's interfering with what they are able to hear. It's not just a party call. It's an armed robbery call. The officers need to hear what's going on with the people being called out of the residence. That music in his car is bleeding over and it's distracting them."

Rosby admits that he didn't turn down his music at the officers' requests, telling the Daily Breeze, "I do apologize if I didn't immediately comply. The music may have been a little loud but I was complying. I said, 'Sir, I want to make sure nobody's civil rights were being violated.'"

After recording with his smartphone for a couple minutes, Rosby is seen in eyewitness video putting his dog, Max, into his car as two officers approach him. Rosby in turn approaches the officers and looks to submit willingly to an arrest. As officers cuff Rosby, however, Max leaps from the car's rear window and lunges toward them, at which point the police shoot the animal multiple times, killing it.

Gulden says Rosby, who has previously made a formal complaint about the Hawthorne Police Department using racial profiling, spent the night in jail and had his phone confiscated. Gulden adds that Rosby and his family are “very, very upset" about Max's death.

An interesting wrinkle to this story is that Rosby is already a plaintiff in a lawsuit filed in March that accuses the Hawthorne Police Department of excessive force. That suit, which is published below, stems from an incident in July of last year in which police responded to a domestic dispute at Rosby’s home and, according to Gulden, attacked him without reason. Gulden says all the charges against Rosby in that case have since been dropped. He now plans to amend Rosby's first suit to include yesterday’s incident.

Multiple requests to the Hawthorne Police Department for comment went unreturned.

We still don't know where NSA leaker Edward Snowden, still technically "in transit" in Moscow's Sheremetyevo Airport, will end up next. But now that more than a third of the countries from which he's applied for asylum have said "no," we can get a good sense of where he's not going.

To wit: Austria, Finland, India, Ireland, Norway, Poland, and Spain have all denied Snowden's application, most on the grounds than an applicant must be on their soil before he or she can be granted asylum status. (India appeared to give a blanket "no.")

We can add those seven countries to Ecuador, which backed far away from Snowden and his asylum request this weekend, and Russia, from which Snowden himself withdrew his application after Putin said he would have to stop leaking NSA documents.

Snowden's next destination will therefore likely come from one of the remaining 12 countries from which he's sought asylum: Bolivia, Brazil, China, Cuba, France, Germany, Iceland, Italy, the Netherlands, Nicaragua, Switzerland or Venezuela.

Of these, only Venezuela has made any kind of comment—and of these, only Venezuela's head of state is currently in Russia.

"We think this young person has done something very important for humanity," President Nicolas Maduro told reporters yesterday, saying that the country would consider Snowden's asylum request, but refused to comment on whether he'd take Snowden back to Caracas with him in his presidential jet.

Of course, there's one more possibly next destination for Snowden: The U.S.

Update: That's a "no" from Brazil, too:

Brazil rejects Edward Snowden asylum request, country's foreign ministry says - @Reuters http://t.co/0ziBaJ2Vy4

— Breaking News (@BreakingNews) July 2, 2013

The deranged jerks at Sticky's Finger Joint are now being sued by a former employee, who alleges that her boss tricked her into consuming mushrooms, while asking her to try out a new recipe.

A co-owner at Sticky's Finger Joint, Paul Abrahamian, allegedly asked Sofie Rasmussen to partake in a blind taste test in front of the restaurant's staff. Sticky's Finger Joint specializes in fried poultry, so Rasmussen assumed she would be testing out some chicken.

Abrahamian, a man with opinions on how chicken fingers relate to fetishes and America and Marxism, instructed Rasmussen to shut her eyes and then put a handful of hallucinogenic fungi into her mouth.

She reports to the New York Post:

"It didn't taste great. I was so confused. I was like, what the fuck is this? Then I realized what it was. I felt weird … I was tripping, and I had one or two hours left on my shift."

After three months working at the restaurant, Rasmussen quit. Sticky's Finger Joint denies her allegations.

[image via JuliaSV/Shutterstock]

One rarely accumulates a net worth of $1.9 billion without breaking the rules. Repeatedly. IAC chairman Barry Diller has agreed to pay $480,000 in civil penalties for anti-trust violations related to his purchase of voting shares in Coca-Cola from 2010 to 2012.

But this is hardly Diller's first anti-trust rodeo.

According to the complaint (below), Diller committed a similar violation in 1998 when he purchased voting securities in CitySearch while chairman of USA Networks. In both cases, Diller violated premerger reporting and waiting requirements related to the HSR Act, which regulates mergers and acquisitions.

The Hart-Scott-Rodino (HSR) Act requires that parties notify the FTC and the Department of Justice of most large transactions that affect commerce in the United States. After doing so, parties must observe a waiting period before closing their transaction, while one of the two agencies determines whether the transaction may result in a substantial lessening of competition.

Back in 1998, the FTC did not seek civil penalties, but made Diller "accountable for instituting an effective program to ensure full compliance with the Act's requirements."

That slap on the wrist didn't sting quite enough, judging by his Coca Cola stock purchases:

According to the complaint, Diller, an investor with many holdings in media companies, acquired 120,000 shares of Coca Cola on November 1, 2010. As a result, he held voting securities of more than $63.4 million, the premerger reporting threshold under the HSR Act at the time. Between November 1, 2010, and April 26, 2012, Diller acquired an additional 605,000 shares of Coca Cola voting securities, but failed to submit the requisite HSR filings. In addition, on April 27, 2012, he acquired 264,000 more shares and again failed to meet his HSR filing requirements. Diller subsequently made corrective filings.

Companies and executives who violate the HSR Act rarely yield criminal charges. It seems the feds are hoping $480,000—about 0.025 percent of Diller's net worth—will be enough to make sure the media mogul doesn't sin again.

[Image via Getty]

Lindsay Morgan (née Dee) Lohan turns 27 today. She is passing the day quietly, in rehab.

Domain suffixes—like .ca or .uk—are usually reserved for actual nations, or at the very least, the US military. But thanks to Mayor Bloomberg, New Yorkers will be able to register a name online that makes them feel just as important as they've always suspected. That crusty ol' dotcom is so, like, early/mid 2013.

NYC is home to some of the world’s most creative people, museums, music, dance, entertainment, media and all of the arts. Use your .nyc address to express and share your creativity.

Don't expect NY natives like Foursquare or Tumblr to switch over anytime soon—but cronut.nyc will probably get snapped up sooner than later. More details, for those of you who can prove you live in the center of the universe, right here. Meanwhile, don't hold your breath for .pitt anytime soon.

Women be cheating on their husbands 40% more than they did 20 years ago.

Irish lawmakers today voted overwhelmingly in support of a bill that would clearly allow abortions to save the mother's life, but only in those instances. The Texas GOP looked on with a great and furious envy.

Internet troll Andrew "Weev" Aurenheimer currently sits in federal prison for using publicly accessible information on a public website to piss off the giant corporation that published the information. This is an injustice. But in a promising move, a legal team including one of the most respected cyberlaw experts in the country has just filed an appeal.

The criminal conspiracy for which Auernheimer was sentenced to 41 months in prison was technically no different than what you or I do when visiting any website. In 2010 Auernheimer's co-defendant collected email addresses that AT&T accidentally made publicly available to anyone who visited a URL corresponding to a particular AT&T customer's iPad on their browser. He did this by creating a program that systematically guessed all possible iPad ID numbers and entered them into a browser. Auernheimer then gave the email addresses to former Gawker, and we published an article exposing the security hole.

But the court found that Auernheimer's embarrassment of AT&T was criminal hacking, even though there was no breaking of passwords, cracking accounts, or real "hacking" at all: The program used to scrape the emails simply guessed the URLs of many different public websites then visited them.

Respected cyberlaw expert Orin Kerr, who is representing Aurenheimer pro bono during his appeal, is right when he writes: "At bottom, the case is about the freedom to surf the web." The appeal (pdf) argues that if you criminalize what Aurenheimer did, someone could get you locked up simply because they didn't want you to access information they published online themselves.

As Electronic Frontier Foundation's Hanni Fakhoury, who is also helping Aurenheimer's appeal, writes on Wired:

How’s a person surfing the internet supposed to know when they can or can’t view information if there’s no technical barrier to access? If Wired decided only people from the U.S. could read its otherwise publicly available Opinion pieces, and someone tries to access the site from the U.K., get ready for a prison jumpsuit.

The case will be closely watched because Auernheimer was convicted for his stunt under the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act (CFAA), an outdated, overly-broad computer crimes law that garnered much scrutiny after activist Aaron Swartz killed himself while being prosecuted under it for downloading academic journal articles.

Post-Aaron Swartz, we are in an upswing of America's reoccuring cycle of hackermania. It's good to be skeptical of the current trend to turn every random dude charged with computer crimes into an unfairly persecuted martyr, regardless of the merits of their case. (Orin Kerr, for example, argued Aaron Swartz's controversial prosecution was "pretty much legit," which shows just how egregious Auernheimer's was, to spark his involvement.) Weev is admittedly not the most sympathetic guy! But Auernheimer's case does merit the outrage, because if embarrassing someone using information they published on the internet is a crime, all bloggers are going to be sent to prison forever. Think of the bloggers.

The practice of Zen may be intimidating to newcomers. Interpretation of Zen koans— the often perplexing stories used to test a student's insight—can be confusing and discouraging. In order to facilitate general enlightenment, we will periodically assist in koan explanation.

The koan: "The Muddy Road"

Tanzan and Ekido were once traveling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was still falling.

Coming around a bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection.

"Come on, girl" said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud.

Ekido did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple. Then he no longer could restrain himself. "We monks don't go near females," he told Tanzan, "especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?"

"I left the girl there," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"

Points to Ponder: Who is Tarzan? Who is Aikido? Who is girl? What does Zen mean?

The Enlightenment: "Come on, girl." For a man like Tarzan, addressing a woman in such a breezy fashion would have come naturally. Life in the jungle tends to produce hard edges rather than niceties. After swinging on vines throughout adolescence, carrying a girl on his shoulders would have bothered Tarzan little. It is impossible to know for sure, but one would not be out of line in assuming that rape would have at least crossed Tarzan's mind, and could well have happened, were it not for his escort's evident training in Aikido. Tarzan's hostility, evident in his final retort to Aikido's admonitions on chastity, likely mask the knowledge that all of the raw strength and animal instinct in the world is no match for a monk well versed in open-handed throwing techniques and joint locks. And what of the girl herself? She remains a cipher— a delicate porcelain doll in need of help from a big strong man, a kimono buyer in need of a better kimono warranty, which covers normal muddy wear and tear. Who is the real big, strong man? Is it Tarzan, carrying her across effortlessly, on the back of his cheetah? Is it the noble Aikido expert trained in rape prevention? Or is it the girl herself, capable of the miracle of birth? "Are you still carrying her?" A voice dripping with sarcasm thick as the honey fruit of the lost jungle that time forgot. Are you still carrying her? Are you still marrying her? Are you still marrying her? All of these thoughts must have run through Aikido's mind.

Finally, he turned to Tarzan and said, "No." By that time the person writing it all down was gone.

This has been "Zen Koans Explained." Zen be unto you.

[Image via Shutterstock]

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! The tabloids hit the stands early this week, thanks to the holiday weekend, so if you're not sure which shitty magazine to take with you as you celebrate this great nation's independence, allow Kristine Gutierrez and myself to assist: We'll tell you which mags have warm and fuzzy gossip perfect for a summer day — and which you should drop like a hot potato.

This week, Sandra Bullock is making like Whitney Houston and falling for her bodyguard; Kimye is turning down truckloads of cash for pix of baby North; and Taye Diggs cheating rumors are breaking our hearts.

Ok!

"Wedding & A Baby!"

Brangelina are having a wedding and a baby. It’s official because there’s an “IT’S OFFICIAL” gold badge on the cover. According to a “family insider,” once the Supreme Court delivered their decision on the unconstitutionality of DOMA, Brad smiled at Angie and said: “we’d better get going on with those wedding plans, eh?” It is well known that Brad and Angelina have proclaimed that they won’t marry until everyone in the US can legally marry. But the Supreme Court’s decision does not mean that all same-sex couples can get married AND that Brangelina will, too. That’s a dumb assumption. However, if Brangelina do get married, they should totally hire Ok! as their wedding planner. The magazine has it all laid out: they’ll probably get married at their Chateau Miraval because it’s French and private, their kids can determine the wedding theme (Maddox wants a zombie-themed wedding), oh and Angie should get pregnant NOW because it’s the perfect time. Thanks, Ok!. In other fake news, Kanye West straight up proposed to Kim Kardashian the day after she gave birth. A “family insider” says Kim just started to cry and mouthed “yes.” They might have an Egyptian-themed New Year’s Eve wedding in Egypt since Kanye is obsessed with ancient Egypt and Kim thinks she looks like the Egyptian goddess Isis. El oh el.

Grade: F (120° and no shade and no water)

Life & Style

“Now It’s My Turn!”

In the moments after Kim Kardashian gave birth, Khloé was, of course, happy. But it’s the Kardashian clan: They can’t be truly happy with the omnipresent desire to out-shine one another. So yes, Khloé’s pregnancy desire is stronger than ever (she has been trying to get knocked up for a while). She made an “emotional announcement” to her stunned family regarding getting off the fertility meds and getting into a natural zen-like state of baby production. She’s eating healthier, working out, and uh, that is breaking news. Boring. Miley Cyrus is getting "scary skinny" because she’s stressed about her parents' divorce, her relationship with hunky Liam Hemsworth, and probably because magazines aways harp on celebs' weight. Channing Tatum is ready for baby #2; he wants some “Irish twins.” Katy Perry has some intense love rules as she and John Mayer embark on a third (fourth? We lost count) try on their relationship. She demands things like nice dinners, no texting ex-girlfriends, you know, insane stuff. Yawn.

Grade: D- (30° and naked)

In Touch

"Inside Her Dramatic Delivery"

Everyone has heard the baby bells ring in the arrival of Jessica Simpson's baby boy, Ace. If Ace had not been born last Sunday, the 30th of June, this cover would have been SO misleading. This issue seems to have been printed before Jessica gave birth. Lucky for In Touch, Ace came in time to make the magazine appear as if it was on top of the story, because the cover gushes with the claim that the issue has every detail of Jessica's "dramatic delivery." It doesn't. The info here — that Jessica was scheduled for a C-section and that the baby's name is Ace — might be true, but it's not written after-the-fact. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston and her fiancé Justin Theroux are living separate lives, with the former preferring the west coast and the latter preferring the east. It's an all-out battle of the coasts, and it will not end well: Just ask Tupac and Biggie. Next: Kim Kardashian's baby bliss might evaporate soon, as Kanye is set to leave the US for Milan to work on some fashion thing. BFF alert: Britney Spears and Pauly D text all the time. What could they possibly be saying to each other? Betty White is 91 years old and confesses in an interview that she cannot even face her golden retriever without a little make-up. Oh, and she is totally into younger male actors worshipping her. Finally: Miley Cyrus is not actually Miley Cyrus because she is too obsessed with copying Rihanna. (Fig. 1)

Grade: D (50° and rainy with no shelter)

Us

"Bachelors From Hell"

Friends, unfortunately this cover story is not about hot, sexy single demons straight out of Hades. How fun would it be if Desiree had to go on dates with horned beasts who look like Tim Curry in Legend? Alas, this is about how there were several points during the filming of the show that Desiree wanted to go home. James is a liar, Mikey is a player, Ben is a fame whore, Bryden is a tease and Brian is a pig. So says the mag, so shall it be. Also inside: Kim and Kanye have been offered as much as $3 million for first-look photos of little baby North, but have turned down all deals. Kanye might drop a song about the baby at some point, but he's very busy now, although the mag notes he has not changed a diaper yet. In Kate Middleton news, she's preparing for giving birth by shopping for fabric for her newly renovated 20-room four-story apartment, and she also got her hair done at a place that charges $1500 for a cut and color. Yes. Fifteen hundred. Quite. Johnny Depp has been sober for 18 months and has cut down on his smoking — for the kids — and also, he's basically blind in his left eye. The good news is, he is not aging at all… (Fig. 2) Although Cry-Baby Johnny holds a special place in our hearts. Finally, celebrity manicures are intense! (Fig. 3)

Grade: C (70° and mostly cloudy)

Star

"Stars Without Makeup!"

Shocking news, people: Women look different without the slut paint they slap on to harlot-ize themselves and trick unsuspecting menfolk! The language in this six-page feature is fairly rude and misogynistic; Pippa Middleton looks like "a Sith lord"; LeAnn Rimes looks "worn-down"; and Janice Dickinson "looks like a man." (Fig. 4) As a faux-equality gesture, the mag also prints images of three dudes without makeup: Paul Stanley, Marilyn Manson and Boy George. Fair is fair, right? Moving on: Kris Jenner's talk show starts July 15 but is "already a complete failure," since she is rude on the set and can't get Kanye West to agree to be the first guest. Apparently he turned her down, annoyed that she wanted baby North to also appear. Ryan Gosling is obsessed with skeletons, and it's creeping out Eva Mendes. Hey girl, when it comes to Baby Goose, the more boning the better. Leonardo DiCaprio trashed a hotel room in Cannes — there were cigarette burns on the carpet, bed and couch; the tub and the toilet were clogged; and "women's underwear was everywhere" — but he "gladly" paid the $50,000 bill for the damage. So gracious. The next item is almost too sad to think about: Taye Diggs is being accused of cheating on Idina Menzel. A Hollywood "clubgoer" who "passed a polygraph test at Star's request" says she saw Diggs making out with some brunette and then "basically dry humping" that person behind a pillar. SOB. What else? Courteney Cox and Brian Van Holt broke up. Mary-Kate Olsen's 44-year-old boyfriend is a bad influence who encourages her to stay out late, drink and party, although she went to rehab for an eating disorder and substance abuse. And lastly, Sandra Bullock is getting close to her bodyguard, former LAPD SWAT office Peter Weireter, who is married. But he spends more time with Sandy than he does with his own wife and apparently little Louis Bullock called Peter "daddy" this one time, so cue the airplane and the music: And eye-eee-eye will always love you…

Grade: C+ (75° and partly sunny)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from Us

Fig. 3, from Us

Fig. 4, from Star