Monday was not the best day of David Marshall's life. By six p.m., the 38-year-old from Jonesboro, Arkansas was so obliterated that he'd passed out in an apartment complex parking lot and the neighbors had to call the cops. This is not a good reason to smile.

Arkansas local ABC affiliate KAIT 8 reports:

Officer Jeremy Smith who responded to the scene around 6 p.m. said that once Marshall was awake he “seemed disoriented” and had “slow and slurred speech.”

Smith also noted in his report that Marshall was “swaying back and forth” and “his pants had fallen down almost to his knees exposing his underwear.”

As officer Smith patted down the sloppy, teetering man, Marshall admitted that he'd just been released from another county jail earlier that morning. The charge? Public intoxication.

The photo above is from his second arrest. Say cheese?

[image via Craighead Co. Sheriff's Office]

To contact the author of this post, email camille@gawker.com.

It's the most terrifying news of the year: Google has reportedly been sending Google Talk messages to the wrong people—not just to the wrong people on your contact list, but to people you don't know at all.

Hope you haven't been using for anything embarrassing lately! (Who am I kidding: What else is Google Talk for besides talking shit?)

[image via Shutterstock]

Thanks to the JOBS Act signed into law this past spring, you don't have to be a Silicon Valley insider to get played by a persuasive Stanford dropout. Now you can legally beg anyone for investment cash, anytime, anywhere. This will be fun for everyone.

Technically, you have to be an "accredited investor" if you want to dump money into ploys like the one seem above (yes, the company is actually called Chasm!) But accreditation enforcement is unproven, and there's never been a time when so many people might be lured (or fooled) into making investments they aren't qualified for. VentureBeat's John Koetsier, who posted the screenshot, isn't an accredited investor—the email still wound up before him, asking with a wink if he can spread the word even if he doesn't want to chip in. It's as easy to share as any AOL chain letter from the 90s, only this one could really screw someone gullible, uninformed, or mislead.

Maybe this is how tech-enabled financial ruin will begin again—not with mismanaged pensions and botched IPOs, but the sentence WE'RE RAISING MONEY AND WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU ON BOARD crammed into a mass email.

It's good to know that, even in our modern age, if things don't work out, you can always go find some sunken pirate treasure.

Over twenty reporters have accepted leadership positions in the Obama administration since 2008. And they’re having fun! “Journalists who became Obama operatives speak highly of the experience,” The Washington Post observes, after noting that four of the paper’s former staff members now work for the government.

Last night, amidst crafting a candy corn bird feeder out of an old nylon and a used high heel, your favorite WASP-y drunk Aunt Martha got to tweetin'.

I just dropped my iPad on the ground and shattered two glass corners. What to do?does one call Apple to come and pick it up or do I take it?

— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) September 25, 2013

Lol, AUNT MARTHA. Of course you have to take it into the Genius Bar! Did you buy Apple Care?

Unfortunately, things did not get better this morning.

I am still waiting for an apple rep to come pick up my IPad. No action yey

— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) September 26, 2013

While there is a small chance that given her one other typo laden tweet this morning, Stewart was hacked, her delightfully insane Twitter history does prove otherwise:

Drinks at jean Georges with buzzy may have been more than a first date. I will keep you informed

— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) August 22, 2013

Michael cera actually served me sake in a paper cup. How hospitable

— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) July 8, 2013

So what are you waiting for Apple Store? A Martha Stewart Living article on how to turn broken iPad glass into a wall mosaic? Don't keep Aunt Martha waiting.

[Image via Getty]

Well, this is too bad. Guido Barilla, head of the world's biggest pasta brand, went on an anti-gay rant on Italian radio yesterday, proclaiming that he would never OK a commercial depicting a gay family and that if gays don't like his views "they can eat another pasta."

Barilla pasta is famous in part because of its TV ads, which portray a traditional Italian family living in the quaint Italian countryside—tagline: "Where there's Barilla, there's home." Asked if he'd ever consider replacing that traditional family with a gay one, Barilla scoffed:

"I would never do (a commercial) with a homosexual family, not for lack of respect but because we don't agree with them. Ours is a classic family where the woman plays a fundamental role," Barilla, 55, said in an interview with Radio 24 on Wednesday.

[...]

In the interview, Barilla said he opposed adoption by gay parents, but was in favour of allowing gay marriage, which is not legal in Italy. ...

If gays "like our pasta and our advertising, they'll eat our pasta, if they don't like it then they will not eat it and they will eat another brand," he said.

Barilla has since attempted to walk back his comments, saying, "In the interview I simply wanted to highlight the central role of the woman in the family." But LGBT groups and others are already calling for a boycott of Barilla pasta. You should probably join that boycott if you believe in the equality of all human beings. Gawker recommends replacing Barilla with De Cecco or making your own pasta at home, which is not as difficult or expensive as you might expect.

[Image via AP]

Was the infamous "White Widow"—the British woman whose husband bombed the London Underground in 2005—present at the Kenya Mall Attack?

On Thursday, Interpol issued a Red Notice, or internationally wanted persons alert, for Samantha Lewthwaite, a UK resident better known as the “White Widow,” for crimes possibly related to this week's attack at a Kenyan mall. Lewthwaite is the widow of Germaine Lindsay, one of the four bombers involved in the terror attacks in London in July 2005.

While the alert is technically for 2011 charges of being in possession of explosives and conspiracy to commit a felony, there's been widespread speculation that Lewthwaite was involved in the shooting and subsequent hostage situation at Nairobi's Westgate mall.

The day after the shooting, Kenya's foreign minister suggested a white woman might have been among the al Shabab militants. While no evidence was presented to support the minister's claim, this set off a wave of rumors that the mystery woman was the “White Widow,” who has been the subject of terror rumors since shortly after her husband's death in 2005.

Lewthwaite left the UK not long after the London bombing, reportedly resurfacing in South Africa in 2008 and later in Somalia and Kenya, where authorities have connected her with a 2011 al Shabab plot to bomb a bridge and several hotels frequented by Western tourists. A December 2011 raid at Lewthwaite's home uncovered bomb-making materials similar to those used by her husband in the 2005 attack in London.

While the Interpol alert was requested by Kenyan officials in relation to the planned 2011 attack, the timing of the request and the wide scope of the hunt implies it could be related to the mall shooting. From the Interpol press release:

Circulated to all 190 INTERPOL member countries, the Red Notice represents one of INTERPOL’s most powerful tools in tracking international fugitives.

“By requesting an INTERPOL Red Notice, Kenya has activated a global ‘tripwire’ for this fugitive,” said INTERPOL Secretary General Ronald K. Noble.

“Through the INTERPOL Red Notice, Kenyan authorities have ensured that all 190 member countries are aware of the danger posed by this woman, not just across the region but also worldwide,” said the Head of INTERPOL.

Authorities in Texas this week arrested 38-year-old Samantha Weber and charged her with felony online impersonation after she alleged posted an ad on Craigslist soliciting sex from strangers on behalf of her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend.

Heather McCarthy initially contacted police to complain that unknown men had been arriving at her Cypress home and requesting that she perform sex acts on them.

When one of the men was confronted by the victim's boyfriend, he reportedly claimed he was led to the house by a Craigslist ad.

An investigation by Harris County officials traced the ad through an IP address back to Weber, who initially denied any connection.

A search warrant allowed investigators to look through Weber's email inbox, where they found correspondences with several men responding to the Craigslist ad.

Investigators concluded that Weber was jealous over her ex-boyfriend's new relationship, and was seeking retribution.

[H/T: BetaBeat, screengrab via Click2Houston]

The Randolph County Board of Education voted to rescind its ban on Ralph Ellison’s 1952 novel Invisible Man. Emails protesting the initial ban, one board member told The Courier-Tribune, “made him realize that he didn’t have the right to subject his morals on others.”

The Florida woman whose "Stand Your Ground" defense was rejected in a controversial 2012 trial that rose prominence in the wake of George Zimmerman's acquittal will get a new trial after an appeals court ruled that the jury instructions on self-defense "were erroneous."

Marissa Alexander had good reason to fear her husband Rico Gray.

The 36-year-old Jacksonville resident had been previously arrested for an attack that sent his wife to the hospital, and he seemed to take pride in beating up his partners, telling authorities, "I got five baby mamas and I put my hand on every last one of them except one."

When Gray picked a fight with Alexander inside her home on August 1st, 2010 — just nine days after she had given birth to Gray's child — she had every reason to believe he could hit her again.

And he did: According to Alexander's account, which was later confirmed by Gray, a text message conversation between Alexander and her ex-husband Lincoln sent Gray reeling.

"He assaulted me, shoving, strangling and holding me against my will, preventing me from fleeing all while I begged for him to leave," Alexander is quoted as saying.

Fleeing the house, Alexander said she tried to leave in her truck, but the garage door was stuck.

Fearing "further assault," Alexander grabbed her gun and went back inside through the kitchen.

Upon seeing Alexander, Gray allegedly approached her, and once he spotted the weapon in her hand, yelled "bitch, I will kill you!"

As he charged toward her, Alexander says she "lifted my weapon up, turned away and discharged a single shot in the wall up in the ceiling."

Angela Corey, the prosecutor in the trials of both Alexander and Zimmerman, told the Washington Post that Alexander's account omits several crucial details.

Like, that Alexander's "warning shot" ricocheted into the ceiling after hitting the wall near the spot where Gray and his two sons were standing.

And Corey also challenges Alexander's claim that Gray was threatening her with further violence, telling the Post Gray and his sons were about to leave the house when Alexander fired the gun.

But the initial deposition Gray gave the state attorney's office overrides Corey's claims.

Gray told the prosecution that Alexander fired a shot in the air before he decided to leave.

"She knew the relationships I been in and I put my hand on her before," he said. "I honestly think she just didn’t want me to put my hands on her anymore, so she did what she feel like she have to do to make sure she wouldn’t get hurt, you know."

He also acknowledged that the gun was never pointed at him.

Despite this, a jury of Alexander's supposed peers took all of 12 minutes to reject her defense under the state's "Stand Your Ground" law and sentence her to 20 years in prison — the mandatory minimum in Florida for firing a gun while committing a felony.

Just over a year later, another jury would find George Zimmerman not guilty of murdering Trayvon Martin.

Though the "Stand Your Ground" defense was not explicitly used in Zimmerman's trial, parallels were still drawn between the two cases, with Rep. Corrine Brown (D-FL) referring to the outcome of Alexander's case as "institutional racism."

It's unclear what a new trial will mean for Alexander, as Judge James H. Daniel made it clear in his decision [pdf] that the court "reject[s] her contention that the trial court erred in declining to grant her immunity from prosecution under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law."

However, Judge Daniel did agree that the defendant "does not have the burden to prove the victim guilty of the aggression defended against beyond a reasonable doubt."

A retrial has been ordered, and Alexander may even be released on bail ahead of her new court date.

[photo via AP]

"'In every city and state I have visited, the jails have become the de facto mental institutions,' says Esteban Gonzalez, president of the American Jail Association, an organization for jail employees."

Tom Cruise in that Top Gun movie, Han Solo, and that U.S. Airways pilot who landed a busted passenger jet in the Hudson River are some of the many dashing heroes we think of when we consider the heroic American pilot. But human pilots just aren't necessary anymore.

Now we've learned that Boeing has been secretly testing old fighter jets flown without a human pilot aboard, which means F-16s are now drones. And these are very fast drones that can successfully perform crazy aeronautic maneuvers such as the evasive combat technique called the Split-S—"a move in which the aircraft turns upside down before making a half loop so that it flies the right-way-up in the opposite direction."

The robotic F-16s do all the things fighter jets are supposed to do: take off, land, attack, evade attack, and zoom back and forth over Florida making horrible noise without crashing into a housing tract too often. They can also do more than a human-piloted fighter jet, because robots don't black out due to heavy gravitational forces.

For now, the retrofitted fighters are remotely controlled by a human on the ground. But this isn't required, because the F-16 could be flown just as well by a series of self-correcting routines stored on the plane's own computer navigation system. As with the Google employees who ride along with that company's driverless cars, the earthbound humans controlling the F-16 drones are a safety measure until there's enough testing to have confidence with entirely automated fighter jets.

These F-16s aren't even new planes. They're old garbage, and the ones retrofitted by Boeing and its subsidiary the U.S. Air Force had been mothballed in Arizona for 15 years.

Meanwhile in China, where the availability of extremely cheap human factory workers led to the end of most manufacturing in the United States, the factory workers are now too expensive—it costs manufacturers more than $10,000 a year per human laborer. That's why the creation of a $10,000 factory robot is so exciting for the rich people who will soon eliminate the remaining occupations.

You will not be surprised to learn that Foxconn, which assembles high-end electronics including the iPhone, is leading the race to build low-cost factory robots. There's nothing like a human rights campaign to make a company focus on getting rid of the humans. It was a similar story when Amazon's contract warehouse workers went public with their complaints—we were quickly introduced to an incredible army of packing robots that zoom around a warehouse all day and all night, never hurting their backs and never picking the wrong item. These labor trouble/robotics narratives are real, but they're also intended to frighten low-paid humans out of complaining about their terrible jobs. The robots are the answer to these complaints, and companies with troublesome people are the quickest to invest in machinery that permanently eliminates people.

At the $10,000 price point, a Chinese factory has a 24-hour-a-day employee that will never commit suicide, all for less than the annual cost of a Chinese factory laborer who needs to sleep and eat and weep during her required 14 hours of rest.

Think of all the job categories that disappeared in the past decade. There used to be travel agents in every strip mall. Everybody in any kind of management position had a secretary. Do you know any travel agents or secretaries today? Those occupations were computerized, all those millions of jobs were forever eliminated, and you had to figure out how to interact with the computers in order to book a flight or send a business letter.

The MIT Technology Review predicts that 45% of the remaining jobs will vanish over the next two decades, because of computerization and robotics. Only 63% of working-age Americans have work in 2013. If this guesstimate is correct—and it's probably too conservative—in 20 years only 35% of the American labor force will have work to do. It is safe to assume the richest people will continue to have both wealth and employment earnings, and that the current mix of impoverished Americans including jobseekers, "discouraged workers" and the disabled will make up two-thirds of the U.S. population.

What will they do? With the world's western governments engaged in deliberate economic and social warfare against all but the wealthiest people, we are seeing a rapid collapse of home ownership, salaried employment, marriage and even childbirth among the former middle class and swelling ranks of the working poor. Go to a poor town or crumbling suburb and you'll see multiple generations of people who have never had full-time employment, where existence has depended for decades on an unreliable and constantly attacked "safety net" of food stamps, food banks, emergency room visits, and minimal disability and social security payments.

And this population is going to double in 20 years, meaning the community college dropout with no job today will only be pushing 40, and will have twice as many desperate people to compete against for the scraps.

[Image via Shutterstock.]

TMZ has obtained paparazzi footage it claims shows Sylvester Stallone calling an off-screen individual a "fucking nigger" as he's followed by a photographer out of an Italian restaurant in Beverly Hills.

The alleged racial slur, which comes at the start of the clip, was transcribed by TMZ as "this fucking nigger here, this fucker."

The paparazzo later asks Stallone, "Why the racial slurs?"

TMZ notes that African-American photographers were stationed near Caffe Roma yesterday to capture photos of Stallone, though it remains unclear who was the exact target of his displeasure.

A rep for the actor reached out to the gossip site to deny his client's use of the N-word, though he did acknowledge that Stallone called someone a "fucking asshole."

According to the rep, the pap who made the racial slur claim was attempting to increase the value of her footage by stirring shit up.

[screengrab via TMZ]

If you are the type of person who throws around the word "zen" just to make yourself feel important, consider this: *the complete lack of sound.* Now who is "zen," you faux-spiritual fop?

The koan: "Zen Dialogue"

Zen teachers train their young pupils to express themselves. Two Zen temples each had a child protégé. One child, going to obtain vegetables each morning, would meet the other on the way.

"Where are you going?" asked the one.

"I am going wherever my feet go," the other responded.

This reply puzzled the first child who went to his teacher for help. "Tomorrow morning," the teacher told him, "when you meet that little fellow, ask him the same question. He will give you the same answer, and then you ask him: 'Suppose you have no feet, then where are you going?' That will fix him."

The children met again the following morning.

"Where are you going?" asked the first child.

"I am going wherever the wind blows," answered the other.

This again nonplussed the youngster, who took his defeat to the teacher.

Ask him where he is going if there is no wind," suggested the teacher.

The next day the children met a third time.

"Where are you going?" asked the first child.

"I am going to the market to buy vegetables," the other replied.

The enlightenment: "Nope," replied the first child. "Today, you're going to the fucking hospital."

This has been "Zen Koans Explained." Sprinkle dust each night.

[Photo: Shutterstock]

A decade feels like an eternity in the movie franchise marketplace, but for a recent classic like Anchorman, reinvigorating the public's interest should be no problem at all. So why has Paramount overloaded its banner comedy of the year with an unhealthy dose of marketing partnerships?

While money is the obvious answer—Paramount makes a killing off of licensing the Anchorman name out to different partners—too many partnerships can force a movie to reach an oversaturation point before it even premieres. And in Anchorman 2's case? It's basically already there, thanks to multiple high-profile marketing gimmicks with Chrysler, Ben & Jerry's, AMC movie theaters, Jockey underwear, and most recently, the Washington D.C. news museum, Newseum.

The Chrysler partnership brought Anchorman star Will Ferrell's company, Funny or Die, into the fold with Paramount and the 2014 Dodge Durango. Funny or Die created a colossal 70 commercials for the SUV, all starring Ferrell as Ron Burgundy. Fans flocked to the spots (only nine have been rolled out so far), many of which have garnered views in the multimillions on YouTube. While the campaign has worked for Chrysler—sales of the Durange are up 59% in just October alone—its safe to assume that the law of diminishing returns is going to quickly apply to the remaining 61 commercials as they begin to air.

The Ben & Jerry's partnership for Ron Burgundy 'Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch' ice cream makes slightly more sense, given the Vermont company's penchant for pairing with entertainment properties. The Jockey partnership, which aims to sell men tight briefs in colors like "Sex Panther Red" and "Beard of Zeus Blue" urges boxer-wearing men to "Give your little anchorman the support he deserves." (The teaming up was born out of the Anchorman 2 costume designer reaching out to Jockey to see if they would recreate some 70s-looking skivvies). For better or worse, the underwear says nothing about Anchorman 2, the movie name is only on the easily discarded plastic wrap the briefs come in. And the cost? $18 for a single pair.

The partnership with the Newseum is the latest sign that this nation has succumbed to Anchormadness. The Washington D.C. museum opened an exhibit yesterday entirely dedicated to the film, its cast, and props. The LA Times reports that the partnership came about after Ferrell visited the museum last summer for a screening and decided that he wanted the museum to feature an Anchorman exhibit. To appease critics that might point out the fact that the film isn't actually journalism, and just fictional, the exhibit—which runs through August 2014—will apparently reference "the reality behind the humor of Anchorman."

While all four of these partnerships, along with a fifth AMC partnership for a $50 "super ticket," have been garnering vast media attention in the last month, the movie doesn't premiere until December 20th. That leaves a whole other month for marketing of a movie that's already affixed with nine years of immensely high expectations. The film hasn't been screened for critics yet, so reviews have been replaced by a 98% rate of people who want to see the film on Rotten Tomatoes (which has Newseum banner ads displayed all over its website). Will the film be able to live up to Anchorman's legacy? Or will it fall flat, crushed further by one too many clever marketing campaigns?

I have never seen anyone cry so openly and in such volume as I did when I attended a press screening of The Best Man Holiday earlier this week with my coworker Caity Weaver. (Given our shared love of all things Christmasy, cheesy, and Christmasy cheesy, she was the natural choice to be my +1.) Malcolm D. Lee's follow-up to 1999's The Best Man simply destroyed her. Her outpouring of emotion was a beautiful sight to behold.

A tad sharper than its predecessor, The Best Man Holiday is nonetheless an exercise in boring characters being boring and saying very little of consequence for over two hours. And so, as a format-tailored response, Caity and I decided we'd chat about this movie our method of covering this reunion that nobody asked for (not even the characters, who agree to spend Christmas together in the mansion of Morris Chestnut's pro-footballer character, despite their seething hatred for each other). For something so dull, we had a lot to talk about.

Spoilers abound below, and I'm telling you this because I know you're going to rush out and see The Best Man Holiday and I would hate to ruin your experience. This alert is my way of being the best man that I can be.

Rich: Caity, I know you aren't a man (or at least, if you are, you are an excellent illusionist) but can you tell me what you think the best man holiday is?

Caity: Am I describing the movie or what I thought the movie was before I knew it was a movie when I only knew the title? Or am I describing the best holiday for men? Holiday as in vacation or holiday as in federal holiday?

Rich: Well, the thing is that you can take this title two ways, just as you could the first one. Taye Diggs' character Harper was the best man at his friend's wedding, and arguably the "best" man of the movie. Whereas you could read this as The Best Man: Holiday Edition, or the best man holiday. So let's go with that latter, willfully stupid interpretation.

Caity: Taye Diggs is far from the "best" man, which is a quibble I have with this whole premise.

Rich: Yeah, he sucks. Let's limit ourselves to federal.

Caity: I think the best man holiday is probably Thanksgiving because it is centered around consuming vast quantities of food. And men get to use electric knives.

Rich: And really don't have to lift a damn finger, traditionally.

Caity: Right. What do you think is the best man holiday?

Rich: Well, it depends on what kinda man you are. Given misogynistic inequality, the best man holiday is the best holiday period. But Father's Day is an obvious choice if you are straight, and sometimes if you are gay. I would say if you are gay and without children, it's either Halloween (if you like that sort of thing) or 4th of July. You're more likely to have group sex as a result of your sexy costume or it being the summer when your sexy costume is your body. If you're into group sex. Maybe it gives you performance anxiety. I didn't wear a sexy costume this year. I didn't have group sex.

Speaking of procreation, why do you think this movie was made? The first one did about $35 million against a $9 million budget. That's good but not great. It's been 15 years since. And these characters, frankly, weren't interesting the first time. Actually, the big takeaway from the first movie is that black people can be bland, too. Its worth is its banality.

Caity: I have no idea why this movie was made. I don't think it's so much that people were clamoring for a sequel as that the people behind that first movie were like, "Hey, do you remember that movie?" And some people (black people) said "Yes!" And that was all the motivation they needed.

Rich: My excitement for this movie was oversized. Why was I so excited for this movie? Why did I get married...too?

Caity: I didn't know they were making it until it came out.

Rich: I don't think I did until I saw the Pottery Barn-esque posters. I love that Nia Long is on there by herself (as opposed to everyoneelse who is frolicking with their other half or sex partner) because her man is white. Characters were really scandalized by her interracial relationship. It was like Richard Cohen consulted on the script.

Caity: Well, you and I disgree on this point. I don't think he was left off because he was white. I think it's because he wasn't in the original cast. They're trying to sell this movie as iconic, for whatever reason.

Rich: That poster would fuck people's minds up.

Caity: People would say "Well, I thought this might be a poster for a sequel to The Best Man, but I don't remember that gentleman in the original cast!"

Rich: I am not being racist when I say that a stray white character had the best line in the movie. Taye Diggs' character's book agent telling him that people want a book that is "smart, and not just black-people smart." Very funny and searing critique of fiction aimed at black people. Fiction like this movie. However, I don't think this movie was even "black-people smart."

Caity: It was no kinda people smart.

Rich: So many scenes stretch on so long without a single laugh. Without a single line that you can pull and appreciate.

Caity: My favorite lines were the ones that were clearly written for black people. Just to be like "Black people! We know you're watching this movie! We're black too!" I will admit that I appreciated Terrence Howard complaining about, "I don't know why these white people are paying me to tell them what black people like. I'm light-skinned!"

Rich: That one was so good. I liked when he said, "If they can get the word 'homo' banned, then they should be able to get the word 'nigga' banned." And then someone walks in the room, and he says, "Hey my nigga, what's up?" I like that despite the wholesome, conservative soul of this franchise, everyone talks like truck drivers. Speaking of black audiences, this screening was way less attended than any other screening I've been to this year. I'd say the audience was 80 percent black?

Caity: At least.

Rich: White critics who cried tears of semen over 12 Years a Slave are such fucking hypocrites.

Caity: It's very weird to me that this movie was R-rated. It's weird to have an R-rated Christmas movie.

Rich: Yes it is. They say "motherfucker!"

Caity: All the language and sex was completely gratuitous. You could have cut it out without losing anything.

Rich: It's also weird to fuck—including orally—under sheets. Right? Or is that what straight people do? Is that how you be straight?

Caity: No way, you would get so hot.

Rich: Right? It's hard enough to breathe with a dick in your mouth. Most of the fucking took place during a bedroom-to-bedroom montage to the tune of Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song." That's...irreverent.

Caity: As you pointed out, there was no real reason for this to be a Christmas movie. It was a movie that happened to take place at Christmastime.

Rich: Christmas provided background wreaths, straightforward covers of soulful holiday classics (like Mary J. Blige singing "This Christmas") and an excuse to get all of these people who hate each other in the same house. The fourth of July, my vote for the actual best man holiday, would have made a lot more sense. One more thing about the sexual content: In the scene that cut back between the women having their pajama night and the men having theirs (gender segregation—another way to be straight?) Nia Long's abomination of a man (the white guy, Eddie Cibrian) is wearing these scrubs and his dick is just massive. Like, the size of a small hot air balloon on screen. His package filled my eyes. And the immediate next scene is the women rhapsodizing "big black dick." You're probably too demure to comment on that, but I thought it was interesting.

Caity: I am too demure to even have noticed that.

Rich: I'm always looking for dick in loose fitting pants. Sweatpants weather is my favorite time of year. It's the best man holiday everyday.

Caity: I could only look at Nia Long's man with hatred in my eyes because of what he did, in real life, to Real Housewife of Beverly Hills' Brandi Glanville. (He cheated on her with a waitress and then Leann Rimes)

Rich: I guess what annoyed me the most was that this movie was consciously updating the universe of the last one, like, Taye Diggs is admonished by has agent for not tweeting. But then it was just flagrantly incorrect about reality. It suggested, for example, that YouTube updated views in real time—Terrence Howard was counting up to confirm the virality of the video in which Regina Hall is seen accepting cash for sex.

Caity: I was about to point that out. The view count thing bugged me so much.

Rich: I felt like I knew more about this movie than the movie did. When Shelby (Melissa De Sousa), who's now a Real Housewife of Westchester, asked why Julian (Harold Perrineau) why he picked Regina Hall's $5 whore character ("Candace") over her and no one had an answer. Well duh, it's because Regina Hall's character recognized his Audre Lorde quote in the first movie. I don't even care about these people and I knew that. Although I have to say that after spending four hours with them (yes, both movies are about two hours long), I cared despite myself. Not as much as you, though.

Caity: I don't care that much. I'm just an easy mark.

Rich: Do you want to talk about your emotions?

Caity: Sure. Can you describe when you first became aware that I had lost my mind?

Rich: I believe it was when Mia's cancer was announced and I saw you wiping your eyes. And was like, "Haha, it'll be so funny later when I tell Caity that I thought she was crying." And then with every new cancer scene (and there were so many) I became aware that this was not a coincidence. And then maybe 75 to 90 minutes in, your face was tear-glazed. And I was like, "She is feeling the fuck out of this." Meanwhile, I was laughing. That woman got visibly sick on the 23rd and was dead on Christmas (on Christmas!).

Caity: I accurately predicted all the major events of this movie no more than 10 minutes in. As soon as Harper remarked that Mia looked thin (a moment played for laughs), I knew she would die of cancer by the end.

Rich: I thought she had a tapeworm. Wouldn't that be interesting? A tapeworm? When Harper's pregnant wife had an ultrasound in the beginning, it looked for a second on that screen that she was carrying conjoined twins. How insane would have that been? Show me that Christmas movie.

Caity: Even though I knew exactly what would happen, it didn't stop me from crying the entire time. Any time a mom dies or a dad holds his baby for the first time—anything like that—I will cry

Rich: The experience of sitting next to you while you wept transformed me. I would normally write off someone who cried through The Best Man Holiday as overly precious. But you are not like that. Your feelings were real. Caity, it was beautiful.

Caity: I probably cried more than you realized even. I think part of the reason I cried is that the woman who played Mia—I have no idea who she is. In fact, her twitter account is just Mia! [Ed. note: Throughout this conversation, Caity and Rich didn't once bother to include the real name of the actor who played Mia, despite doing so for each of the other actors. Her name, for the record, is Monica Calhoun.]

Rich:

Focused. pic.twitter.com/pDpcOe0IvB

— Mia Morgan Sullivan (@1miaMsullivan) November 7, 2013

This is insane. She is tweeting in character, and it's appropriately dull.

Who do you think aged the best? I have a Top 3:

1. Morris Chestnut, who looks better than ever and oh my god that body. What a hunk of stuff.
2. Regina Hall, who looks slightly better than last time.
3. Sanaa Lathan, who looks exactly the same as last time.

Caity: Yes, I agree with all those Mia did look really small and ill. It made me wonder if the actress is OK! I actually looked up her Twitter to check on her. Is Mia even portrayed by an actress? I have found no evidence she did not die of cancer on a Christmas that is yet to occur.

Rich: I know you were having a moment (a 75-minute moment) but when Mia pulled off her wig to reveal not a patchy balding head but merely a short natural 'do, I snorted. I was dying at all the cancer shit.

Caity: Every time I saw her looking small, I cried. That actress is great at looking tired but happy.

Rich: She's radiating and it isn't just the chemo. Funniest part: the children singing "O Holy Night" in voices that were several years older than they were.

Caity: The child actors in this movie were the worst I have ever seen. I can't remember a movie when the kid actors were so bad that I noticed it. The moment in which you and I laughed inappropriately the hardest is when one little girl looks up at her mom with a tear-stained face, and wails, "THIS DOESN'T FEEL LIKE CHRISTMAS."

Rich: Perfect sentence-long review of this movie, tbh.

Caity: The thing I got out of it was the following excellent joke: The Best Man Holiday? More like The Sad Man Holiday. What's the song from the funeral?

Rich: Anthony Hamilton and Floetry's Marsha Ambrosius ballad duet of Stevie Wonder's "As."

Caity: Play this at my funeral

Rich: I will. I'm playing this at my next orgy:

What’s Ken Starr up to these days? According to Virginia court documents, the famously pious former Clinton prosecutor recently pleaded with a Fairfax County judge to let a confessed child molester go free. Because he’s a family friend. Here’s the letter.

It was just one of dozens of letters sent by as many Washington, D.C., and New York City power players—including former ABC News anchor Charlie Gibson, a former aide to Laura Bush, a former GOP congressman, and a powerful partner at the insider law firm Akin Gump—who wrote in praise of Christopher Kloman, a 74-year-old retired Potomac School teacher who has pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting several female students under the age of 14. Kloman received a 43-year prison sentence in October.

According to the Washington Post, Kloman “estimated that he molested girls ‘less than 10 times’” from 1966 to 1985, sometimes by luring them to a isolated location under the guise of helping them with homework. One victim, the paper reported in October,

said Kloman invited her and a friend over to swim at his house after a seventh-grade field trip. [...] But once in the pool, Kloman pulled her onto his lap, pinned her arms behind her back and thrust against her, she testified. Sullivan said Kloman held her so tightly his arms were like “lobster claws.”

Another victim, Laura Gill, “testified that Kloman pinned her down and assaulted her in the basement of his home while his family was upstairs” when she was 14 years old. The rest of Kloman’s victims were the same age or younger. The youngest, who was 12 at the time Kloman molested her, sparked an investigation in 2011 when as an adult she discovered Kloman was substitute-teaching at her daughter’s Maryland grade school.

Yet Starr, a retired federal judge and former Solicitor General who single-mindedly pursued a criminal investigation into President Bill Clinton sparked by Clinton’s sexual behavior with an adult, signed a letter to Kloman's sentencing judge arguing that “community service” would be a more appropriate punishment for someone who repeatedly sexually assaulted children entrusted to him by their parents.

Because Kloman was a well-connected teacher at a proving ground to the capital’s elite—the private Potomac School in MacLean, Va.—who was liked by the parents of the children he didn't sexually abuse, he received a bizarre outpouring of support from some extremely powerful Washingtonians, many of them begging the judge not to send Kloman to prison.

The Post reported last month that Starr and Gibson were among those supporters, but the paper only quoted Gibson’s letter briefly. Fairfax County Circuit Court recently provided Gawker access to the letters, which are published here for the first time. The reveal, among other things, that the Starrs, in a letter written by Starr's wife Alice but signed by both, felt Kloman shouldn't go to prison despite his crimes because he “took the time to chat” with their daughter and wasn’t one of those real child molesters: “It is possible that once Mr. Kloman had children of his own in the 1970s ... he made a concerted effort to correct his behavior of the past.”

Ken Starr and his wife Alice:

Since Mr. Kloman has apparently conducted himself in an acceptable manner for more than thirty years, with no other violations, and he has cooperated with the police and accepted responsibility for his actions, we hope the Court will provide leniency in his sentence.

Mr. Kloman is currently repenting for his past sins and will continue to do so if given a chance to serve his community and neighbors. Community service would be a far better punishment than having him languish in jail.

Charlie Gibson, after listing his experience as a retired Good Morning America anchor and quoting Thoreau:

When I was hosting Good Morning America we frequently broadcast stories about forgiveness and I was amazed that some people who were victimized had reserves of forgiveness far greater than mine. Any punishment for Chris now, however, strikes me as retributive not rehabilitative, but at the same time I realize there is a need for accountability. I hope you can find a way for Chris to make amends, stay a part of his truly wonderful family, and contribute something productive and useful to society.

Former GOP Congressman James K. Coyne, III:

I know that whatever time you grant to Mr. Kloman to continue as a private citizen, that time will be for the benefit of the most needy and deserving in our community. He has always been a central part of our community and I am sure that his commitment to public service will never end. It is my hope that you will be mindful of all the good, caring, and beneficial things that Chris has done throughout his life and give this kind and generous man the chance he deserves to redeem himself at this crucial time.

Margaret Whitehead, former aide to Laura Bush:

I am reluctant to psychoanalyze Chris, but on hearing of his behavior that ceased years ago and thinking of his contributions as I have known them and outlined them here, it occurred to me that he has seemed as someone who has already been to prison, felt deep remorse, and was atoning. I do not know this for a fact and indeed it has never been mentioned to me. Rather this came to mind because his extravagantly energetic community activism has been consistently on a grand scale. Most certainly were he not in prison, he would continue to be deeply engaged in doing these good works. They seem not just an identity, but, apart from his family and at the very least, his primary interest and his reason for being.

Rounding out Kloman’s supporters are:

Andrew S. Love, Chairman, Co-CEO and a principal owner of Love Savings Holding Company

David B.H. Martin, Jr., Co-head of Covington and Burling’s Securities division

Frank J. Murphy III and Teri Gardner Murphy, Member of Board of Trustees, Randolph Macon College

Gary C. Olson, Former fiscal director of the Naval Nuclear Propulsion Program

Gilbert M. Grosvenor, Former National Geographic editor and former President of the National Geographic Society

H. Clayton Cook, Jr., Counsel to Seward & Kissel LLP

Raymond A. Ritchey, Director of Acquisitions and Development at Boston Properties’ Washington office

Rebecca L. Roby, Senior Director of Business Affairs at Hard Rock International

William D. Hager, Former Assistant Inspector General for Investigations at NASA

Robert K. Huffman, Head of Government Contracts Practice at Akin Gump

All of the letters mentioned above are embedded below.

[Reporting by Adam Dawson, Photo credit: Associated Press]

Moody's has cut the credit ratings of several big Wall Street banks, because it's less confident that the government will bail them out if they fuck up. Baby steps.

A 20-year-old female undergrad is the third proudest person in the world today (following her two proud parents) after being named winner of a month-long contest to find the "horniest student."

The contest, held by a UK-based website dedicated to helping university students "meet up for sex," crowned Elina Desaine of the University of Exeter "Britain's Horniest Student" after she beat out hundreds of "sex-mad" contestants with this sexy entry:

I should be the UK’s horniest student because I have sex with at least 2 / 3 different people a week. Sometimes i go clubbing, have sex with someone, and then go back to the club to pick up my second victim. Feeling horny right now, so might just text someone on my ‘shag list’ and do it in the computer room (I’ve done this before, was great!) With your help of Alcohol, I will be able to become an even Hornier Student!

The Latvia-born computer science major, who spent her formative years at a religious all-girls school in London, says she only had sex twice before arriving at Exeter.

In fact, Desiane's love-making partners have gotten so numerous, that she's been forced to start keeping a list.

Sometimes she'll forget a name, and include a description instead ("French guy", "Marine guy").

"All my friends are the same," said Desaine, who belongs to the school's clothes-averse Expedition Society (see below). "We are all just up for having a great time and going out. Uni life is three years to be wild before it starts settling down and it really flies by."

In addition to the coveted title, Desaine also took home £500 ($805), a year's supply of condoms, a cellphone, and a "crate of alcohol."

Asked about how being named the "horniest student" might impact her employability, Desaine, who nicknamed herself "Slutvian," shrugs.

"I hope employers see it as a bit of fun and it shows I am more confident than the average girl," she said.

[photos via ShagAtUni]