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"Vaginal Knitting" Is the New Thing in Activist Performance Art

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If you take a good, hard look at a vulva, you realize it's just a bit of a body. There's nothing that is shocking or scary, you know, nothing that is gonna run out and eat you up.

Casey Jenkins identifies herself as a former "craftivist"—a term she defines as "using traditional craft techniques for a political or social activism purpose." She and her colleagues in the Craft Cartel acted as a sort of "Pussy Riot" in their native Australia, combating misogyny and closed government. It doesn't get much more open than her latest work of gallery performance art, "Casting Off My Womb"—or as Aussie TV called it, "Vaginal Knitting."

It is what it sounds like: "I'm spending 28 days knitting from wool that I've inserted in my vagina," Jenkins says. "It's confining, because I'm attached to this knitting."

What emerges is not only an active sensory performance—"It's sort of slightly uncomfortable sometimes, arousing sometimes"—but a piece of cloth that literally records a female life in all its natural states: "The performance wouldn't be a performance if I were going to cut out my menstrual cycle from it."

None of this is terribly novel to observers of feminist art: Its discomforting exhibitionism conjures up classics like Yoko Ono's "Cut Piece." Its vaginal showcasing echoes Carolee Schneeman's "Internal Scroll." Hell, its interest in the womanly elemental creative force even hints of Mary Kelly's pre- and post-partum documents.

Still, there's something interesting going on with all of these themes: the vagina as both creative force and an agent of tethering, of isolation. The record of a life in menstrual cycles. The embrace of what society considers taboo to display, even unfairly calls ugly or grotesque.

Is it cutting-edge art in 2013? Perhaps not. But it's still jarring. And perhaps its power lies in the fact that the same feminist themes and visuals that shocked us in the '60s and '70s still shock us today. "I hope that people question the fears and the negative associations they have with the vulva," Jenkins says.

You've come a long way, baby; now get back to your knitting.


A significant portion of the stadium meant to house the World Cup's opening match in Sao Paulo next

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A significant portion of the stadium meant to house the World Cup's opening match in Sao Paulo next year was destroyed in a crane collapse today, killing three people. Brazil is hastily attempting to complete its 12 World Cup venues by FIFA's end-of-year deadline. Six stadiums reportedly remain unfinished.

Never Forget: Sarah Palin's Turkey Slaughter Interview

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Five years ago, then-Gov. Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey in anticipation of Thanksgiving at a farm in her hometown of Wasilla, Alaska. She then chatted with reporters as a cascade of turkeys was slaughtered just over her shoulder. Our great-great-grandchildren will reenact this interview inside vast underground cities each November.

The Turkey Beast of Thanksgiving Eve: A Poem

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The Turkey Beast of Thanksgiving Eve: A Poem

Thanksgiving Eve had come again,
Outside a blustery chill.
A tiny boy of six years old,
Came crashing down the hill.
The leaves did scatter, brown and orange.
How fearsome was the sight:
Of Franklin Tom, the Turkey Beast,
Screeching in the night.

The grownups gathered so cozy,
Drinking and baking the pies.
Finally off work—if they had work at all,
These pilgrims were filling with wine!
Children ran wild, in twilight gloom,
No reason to be afraid,
Of something out there in the dark,
With claws as sharp as blades.

The doorbell rang unanswered,
The tunes too loud to hear.
The grownups blasting hip-hop hits,
Deaf to what was near.
His feathers were ruffled, black and brown,
His beak did click and cluck,
Wee Small Ben, the six-year-old,
Had plum run out of luck.

"Come with me," the old bird croaked,
Its talons 'round his fingers.
"Thanksgiving Eve has come again,
A time so fine to linger."
The bird took flight, up to a tree,
above the small boy's 'hood.
"Now take a gander 'round your town,
It's up to stuff no good!"

"That Best Buy and that Walmart,
That carpet store a-light.
Already selling Christmas things,
Before Thanksgiving Night!
Those workers working, young and old,
Beneath the lonesome glare,
Of sickly warehouse shopping bulbs,
and benefits not there!"

"Benefits?" The boy did ask,
"What's that, and why tell me?"
The wattle shook on Franklin Tom,
Who whispered, "Let's just see."
They walked into a Dollar Store,
Nobody said a word,
To Franklin Tom, the Turkey Beast,
A fierce and angry bird.

He flew atop a store display,
Of iPads, snacks and beer.
"I'm Franklin Tom, Thanksgiving's mine!
I bring Thanksgiving cheer!
Hear Me! Don't look at your phones,
Or text the ones you love,
Franklin Tom shall send you home,
with money in your gloves!"

The manager was furious,
Wall Street so ashamed,
The CEO's pay shrank six times,
To a level almost sane!
The workers laughed, their jobs secure,
The manager managed a grin,
They all went home, where they belonged,
Or on the town with friends!

The young boy yawned, as children do,
When drowsy in their heads,
Franklin Tom flew him home,
Just in time for bed!
"Now tell your folks," the Turkey said,
"If the TV's still good they should keep it.
Thanksgiving Day comes but one time a year,
It's for people and birds, let's not [BLEEP] it!"

Special Thanksgiving Multimedia Bonus Content: Ken Layne reads "The Turkey Beast of Thanksgiving Eve."

Ken Layne marks the nation's holidays and anniversaries in his American Almanac. Illustration by Jim Cooke.

Here's Your Annual Black Friday Shopping Chaos Supercut

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It's that time of the year again. Time to gather your loved ones to celebrate Thanksgiving's most time-honored tradition.

That's right: Trampling strangers to death in a zero-sum rush for the last remaining ticklish thingamabob that's still not as cheap as it is online.

It's also that time of the year when someone puts together a compilation of clips showing door-busting Black Friday shoppers lose their collective shit at the sight of stuff for sale.

Before you head out to do your own Black Friday shopping, please watch this and then stay home forever.

[H/T: Devour]

The Best Hootenannies Happen In Ridgewood

Sauces, Ranked

The Best Turkey Frying Disasters on the Internet

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The Best Turkey Frying Disasters on the Internet

It's Thanksgiving — which means it's time to be thankful for morons who attempt to fry their own turkeys. Here it is: The very best of the biggest Turkey Fryer Fails we found on the internet. Be safe!

The Homemade Turkey Fryer:

"Homemade turkey fryer," or pot with oil over an open flame? Either way, if you have to drop your Turkey via 5-foot pole, you're doing something wrong.

Inside The Garage:

Step one, place fireball under roof of house.

Barefoot BBQ

When operating over gallons of boiling oil, it's best to remove your socks and shoes first.

KABOOM

Who suggested leaning the pot up against the house?

"We Should Definitely Call The Fire Department"

But first maybe don't try and fry a turkey over your wooden deck. Extra points for the "quick get a pan of water," idea.

"NO ONE ELSE IS COMING OUT FOR THIS?"

Kudos for having the fire extinguisher nearby (fingers crossed this is the appropriate "type K" extinguisher used for combustable cooking oil). Negative points for filling the pot with too much oil, using the wrong kind of stove, using a pot that's too small, and hovering your crotch over the boiling oil.

We've Made a Huge Mistake

Water + Hot Oil = THE PATIO PARTY IS OVER

Another Classic Indoor Turkey Frying

Absent Minded Fryer

They left the fryer on all night. And now, you should call the fire department now.

Babies Love Hot Oil

Actually this person has all the recommended safety precautions in place, minus his naked child a few feet away.

Thanksgiving Is Ruined

Blame it on the Thermometer

I think it's done?

Countdown to Turkey Explosion

Double points for lighting the kid's playground ablaze. Santa says "YOU'VE BEEN BAD."

The Professionals

And now a couple of "fried turkey safety" posts created by various firefighters. Yes they are doing everything wrong — but even these look safer than what's above.

But just in case you actually want to attempt frying your turkey without destroying your home, here's a very good infographic from Live Science explaining in great detail what you should be doing.

The Best Turkey Frying Disasters on the Internet


Zuckerberg Wants Your Kid's Student Data

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Code.org—a tech non-profit backed by Mark Zuckerberg, Jack Dorsey, and other top brass—wants to improve computer science education for young women and minorities. And hey, that's great. But it wouldn't be a Zuck joint without something insidious: the group will hold private data about kids for years.

The initiative is trying to sign up entire school districts to test the curriculum: Code.org will provide schools with course materials, teacher stipends, and general support. What a deal! But as Slashdot just pointed out, there's some iffy fine print in the sample contract (read it in full at the bottom):

[It] not only calls for collecting children's data for Code.org ("Code.org's ongoing studies review longitudinal student achievement data for the current year, the preceding four (4) to six (6) academic years, until the end of the student's academic history in the district"), but also locks teachers into a 2+ year commitment on behalf of Code.org ("Each teacher selected to participate in the Code.org Program shall commit to teaching in the Code.org Program for a minimum of two school years through a letter of intent administered by the district"). Among other requirements, the contract calls for "an Entity participating in the Code.org Program" to "offer courses, select teachers to receive professional development, and to market these courses to students and parents."

The relevant bit about student data is here:

Zuckerberg Wants Your Kid's Student Data

Code.org promises it complies with all pertinent privacy laws and will do its darndest to keep it all locked up. But beyond performance reviews, it's unclear what will be done with the test scores of children, and to what end. Code.org reserves the right to figure that out as it goes along:

Use or access to any protected data obtained as a result of these studies will be limited to representatives with a legitimate interest in accessing this data, which will include the Entity Coordinator, school administrators, and other persons who are specifically authorized by the Entity as having a legitimate interest in receiving the data.

You should probably just trust them.

Top State GOP Official Accused of Drugging, Raping Coworker

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Top State GOP Official Accused of Drugging, Raping Coworker

The head of the Republican Party in Pennsylvania's third largest county was forced to resign earlier this month after allegations surfaced that he had drugged and raped a female coworker.

Formal charges were filed this week against Montgomery County Republican Committee's ex-chairman Robert J. Kerns, alleging that he served Ambien-laced wine to a woman who worked as a paralegal at his law firm and then raped her unconscious body.

According to the grand jury's report, Kerns and the 51-year-old victim attended a celebratory after-work party on October 25th.

Kerns then allegedly drove the drunk woman home, handing her a tainted, $68 bottle of Chardonnay on the way and waiting her to pass out.

"At some point between the time she drank the wine provided by Kerns and lost consciousness and the time she regained her memory as they entered her neighborhood, the victim has a vague memory of her head up against the car window and pushing Kerns away," said the report.

After "forcibly and violently violat[ing] her body" in the car, Kerns then reportedly took the woman inside the house, where he proceeded to rape her multiple times.

Montco District Attorney Risa Vetri Ferman noted that "critical forensic evidence" was collected when the victim visited the hospital the following day.

She had apparently suffered severe genital injuries during the assault.

Kerns, who maintains his innocence, resigned his powerful post on November 14th — one day after the sex assault allegations first came to light.

He was arrested yesterday but was released shortly after posting $1 million bail.

All told, Kerns faces 19 counts, including rape of an unconscious victim, sexual assault, indecent assault, simple assault, tampering with evidence, and lying to authorities.

Kerns is a married father of three. He had been chairman of the MCRC for the past five years and active participant in local politics for the past thirty.

[screengrab via CBS Philly, mug shot via Montgomery County District Attorney]

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

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What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

Today we largely take international air travel for granted. Every major city in the world is little more than a hop, skip, and jump away. But what was it actually like to fly halfway around the world in the 1930s, when the very concept was still novel? Pretty incredible, as it turns out—provided you could afford it.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

At the dawn of commercial air travel, Imperial Airways was Britain's shuttle to the world. As the British Empire's lone international airline in the 1920s and '30s, Imperial was responsible for showing the rich and famous every corner of the Empire. And in doing so, their mission was to make the Empire (and by extension, the world) feel that much smaller.

They did it in style.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

Rough Take-off

During the WWI, airplanes became a vital tool for victory, ushering in a brave new world of battle. Airplanes were the future of war, but they had yet to prove themselves as the future of peace.

After the war, Britain had a surplus of warplanes that would jumpstart its commercial air industry. But the early 1920s was a hard period for British aircraft companies. Unlike their counterparts in France, Belgium, the Netherlands, and the United States, very little government investment in British air travel occurred during peacetime.

Instead, the government hobbled together the few struggling British air companies to form Imperial Airways, which was incorporated in 1924. Imperial was devised as a private, highly subsidized company that would operate with monopoly support from the British government. They shuttled mail and passengers to the farthest reaches of the globe.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

Modern Tech

Imperial's planes of the 1920s (made of wood and fabric) would slowly morph into the planes of the 1930s (made of metal). But it wasn't merely because the streamlined aircraft looked sleeker. The newer planes also better suited Imperial Airways' mission of Empire maintenance.

Peter Fearon explains in his 1985 paper on the history of British aviation that the kind of materials being used were of particular interest to an Empire with an incredibly diverse array of climates.

Indeed, the Air Ministry encouraged manufacturers to move towards the use of metals in airframe manufacture not because of the advantages that could be gained from streamlining, but because, especially in tropical regions, metal was more durable than wood.

The switch from biplane (pictured above) to monoplane (pictured below) also made the experience feel more spacious and modern. Well-heeled travelers enjoyed feeling like they were a part of the future—a vital part of England's push to tomorrow.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

But it was perhaps speed that made the largest difference in the airplane's evolution from the 1920s to the 1930s. As Derek H. Aldcroft notes his paper on British aircraft history, "...whereas for most of the 1920's the average cruising speed was 100 m.p.h., or below, by the beginning of 1934 airliners attaining cruising speeds varying from 140 to 200 m.p.h. were available." It was the kind of improvement that made international travel not just possible, but practical.

Flying in Style

Equal parts harrowing adventure and indulgent luxury, taking an international flight in the 1930s was quite an experience. But it was an experience that people who could afford it signed up for in droves.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

Nearly 50,000 people would fly Imperial Airways from 1930 until 1939. But these passengers paid incredibly high prices to hop around the world. The longest flights could span over 12,000 miles and cost as much as $20,000 when adjusted for inflation.

A flight from London to Brisbane, Australia, for instance, (the longest route available in 1938) took 11 days and included over two dozen scheduled stops. Today, people can make that journey in just 22 hours, with a single layover in Hong Kong, and pay less than $2,000 for a round trip ticket.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

Print advertising was an important part of Imperial Airways spreading its message that luxury and adventure were now available to the common man. And that this relatively new flying metal bird was safe enough for the entire family to sit inside.

The ads above ran in 1937 issues of Flight magazine. "By Air to South Africa or India in less than a week!" one ad boasted.

"All the way to India by Empire Flying-Boat," another ad proclaimed.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

Cutaway illustrations, like the one below that appeared in the January 21, 1937 issue of Flight magazine, would show prospective passengers just how spacious their accommodations could be.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

The Armstrong Whitworth airplane shown above came in two different models: the European class (for shorter journeys) and the Empire class (for longer excursions). The European model could accommodate 32 passengers and included a steward's pantry, and three lavatories. The Empire class airplane could accommodate just 20 passengers if it was to be flown at night, since that's how many they had.

The Empire model also had three lavatories, though I haven't been able to find any descriptions of what it was like to relieve oneself mid-air during this time. Given the extreme turbulence (planes would drop hundreds of feet in a matter of moments), I imagine it was something that was avoided if at all possible.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

Below, a photo of an Imperial Airways lounge.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

Back in the mid-1920s Imperial Airways would show some of the first in-flight movies. But it was less the in-flight entertainment and more the cozy accommodations that would be advertised as most indulgent during the 1930s. After all, the powered aircraft of Imperial were competing with the much smoother and quieter (albeit sometimes more flammable) dirigibles of the interwar period.

London to Singapore—in Just 8 Days!

Air travel may have looked luxurious in the photos of the 1930s — and it no doubt was in many ways—but it was still an incredibly grueling way to get from Point A to Point B. Or, more appropriately, Point A to Point Z, with every stop in between.

Thanks to new planes, the expansion of air routes throughout the British Empire would happen relatively quickly in the early 1930s. By early 1932 there was service to Cape Town, South Africa. By the summer of 1933, Imperial Airways flights were reaching Calcutta, India. And by 1934 there was regular service to Australia.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

The map above shows how Imperial passengers in 1934 could get from London to Singapore at a cost of £180 (about £10,900 or $17,600 when adjusted for inflation). What a deal! Especially since the hotel accommodations, food, and nearly everything but the alcohol was included in the price. But what a headache.

The 8,458 mile trek took 8 days and according to historian Lucy Budd, included stops in Paris, Brindisi, Athens, Alexandria, Cairo, Gaza, Baghdad, Basra, Kuwait, Bahrain, Sharjah, Gwadar, Karachi, Jodhpur, Delhi, Cawnpore, Allabad, Calcutta, Akgats, Rangoon, Bangkok and Alor Star.

That's exhausting enough to read, much less to experience. But it was still the fastest way to get from London to Singapore in the 1930s, even accounting for the fairly common occurrence of emergency landings.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

Eight days of travel was practically light speed, but the airlines would try to play up the sense of adventure while also trying to assure passengers that their every need would be met. This was quite a balancing act that would continue until Jet Set luxury (no unpleasantness necessary) became the futuristic dream after World War II.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

Every Corner of the Empire

Cairo became a major hub for air traffic in the 1930s. According to Lucy Budd in a 2007 paper, the city was the jumping off point from Imperial Airways' routes to the rest of the world, whether it was South Africa, southeast Asia, or Australia:

Owing to its geographical location, Cairo became one of the busiest airports in the world, and all Imperial Airways aircraft, whether destined for Europe, Africa, or Asia, converged on the Egyptian capital.

The 8,000 mile air route from Cairo to Cape Town fulfilled a British dream that had been envisioned in the late 19th century. As Robert L. McCormack explains in his 1976 paper on the history of air travel in Africa, the first flights to South Africa were an important step (as psychological as it was physical) in asserting the strength of the empire.

At last, after more than a decade of frustrated hopes, Imperial Airways, the 'chosen instrument' of British air imperialism, was linking Cairo to Cape Town, the twin citadels of British power and presence in Africa. Much of Africa would now be days rather than weeks away from London while Cecil Rhodes' old dream of a 'Cape to Cairo' connection had become a reality.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

The 1938 map above comes from Peter J. Rimmer's 2005 paper on the history of Australian air travel. In it, we see the incredible reach that Imperial had attained by the end of the 1930s. Again, that harrowing flight (or rather, series of flights) from London to Brisbane may have taken 11 days at best. But compare that with over a month by ship (42 days via the SS Stratnaver, for example), and it was really hard to complain.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

Comfort and Discomfort

Imperial Airways appealed to the consumer who desired the most luxurious way to travel. But it wasn't always very pleasant, despite the most advanced technology of the time. People would often get sick, and bowls were discreetly placed under the seats to ensure that passengers had a place to throw up. The widespread pressurization of cabins wouldn't occur until the 1950s, so altitude sickness often meant that people needed to receive oxygen.

The temperature inside the cabin was also a major consideration, since horror stories of incredibly cold flights were common in the late 1920s.

In 1939, Imperial Airways hoped to assure passengers that such discomforts were well in the past: "There is no need to wrap yourself up. All aeroplanes are heated and air-conditioned... and there is no need to worry about noise, for the walls are insulated, allowing conversation to be carried on in a normal voice."

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

Below the rather roomy sleeping accommodations for passengers on Imperial Airways international flights.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

New Mission

By 1938, Imperial Airways had a network of about 25,000 miles touching nearly every corner of Britain's vast empire. And as Gordon Pirie notes in his 2004 paper about British air travel, by the start of World War II, empire routes on Imperial Airways (as opposed to internal air routes) accounted for 90 percent of its miles.

With the onset of World War II, flying the rich and famous around the world was no longer fitting with the country's mission. Imperial merged with British Airways in 1939 to create the British Overseas Airway Corporation. Needless to say, their largest concern was now the war effort.

What International Air Travel Was Like in the 1930s

In many ways, Imperial Airways and its routes around the world in the 1930s were the last gasps of a dying empire; a unique mission during a unique time of pleasure and strife. But Imperial did indeed make the world feel that much smaller—that much further into the future. For better and for worse.


Sources: The Growth of Aviation in Britain by Peter Fearon (1985); On being aeromobile: airline passengers and the affective experiences of flight by L. Budd (2007); Passenger traffic in the 1930s on British imperial air routes: refinement and revision by Gordon Pirie (2004); The Formative Years of the British Aircraft Industry, 1913-1924 by Peter Fearon (1969); Global Networks Before Globalisation: Imperial Airways and the Development of Long-Haul Air Routes by L. Budd (2007); Britain's Internal Airways: The Pioneer Stage of the 1930's by Derek H. Aldcroft (1964); The Air Route to Cape Town 1918-32 by Robert L. McCormack (1974); Airlines and Empires: Great Britain and the "Scramble for Africa," 1919-1939 by Robert McCormack (1976); Australia Through the Prism of Qantas: Distance Makes a Comeback by Peter J. Rimmer (2005); Struggle for Prominence: Clashing Dutch and British Interests on the Colonial Air Routes, 1918-42 by Marc L. J. Dierikx (1991).

Images: All black and white photographs via Getty Images; Ad for Imperial Airways in the November 4, 1937 issue of Flight magazine; Ad for Imperial Airways in the December 2, 1937 issue of Flight magazine; Color cutaway illustration via Vintag.es; Color air travel map of London to Singapore by Michael Hession; Air schedule via Flickr; Imperial travel posters via the Smithsonian

In Defense of Your Racist Sexist Uncle

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In Defense of Your Racist Sexist Uncle

We are a nation divided, and we are antsy about inviting those divisions into our homes, on the nuclear level, as we connect with our families for holiday feasts.

Mostly, it seems, we are nervous about our racist, sexist old uncles.

"America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask!"

We wish they'd go away, letting us enjoy the undercooked poultry and over-sugared ambrosia in some semblance of utopian progressive peace.

But let me tell you why that's a terrible idea, America. Why you need your racist, sexist old uncle.

First, your racist sexist old uncle focuses your anger on the right things. Let's face it: As socially liberal as you are, you will always find some reason to freak the fuck out on your family at the holidays. Holidays are stressful. They cost a lot. The weather sucks. The travel is hard. And at the end of it, there is your mother, offering unconditional love and advice on how to care for her beloved grandchild, your obvious neglect of whom has caused the flu in her, and that's okay, because Nanna has drawn an ice bath with mustard seeds, because that's how the Amish did it, and it was good enough for them, and of course you couldn't know that.

What, you don't like unconditional love?

If it's not your parents, it's your in-laws. Who may be perfectly lovely to you, but have been keenly selected by nature and Darwin's big brain to guarantee maximum shit-loss by your significant other from now until the Mummer's Parade.

If you had no racist, sexist uncle, these perils would be more immediate. The holiday conversation might border on the minutiae of domesticity — your baby is so big! The yams are so big! Would you like to see Dad's photos of our big Cozumel cruise? This ancient pyramid with these trinket-hawking natives is so big!

All the time, there would be no acknowledgement whatsoever of the fateful role in our lives played by Obamacare, Benghazi, Trayvon Martin, FEMA camps, the Fed, and those sorority girls with their silly accusations. You might be forced to acknowledge the gaping canyon of nothingness that stands between you and the alien zephyr of life that animates these blood relations, these strange meat sticks whom society holds up as the biological and ethical raison d'être of your person-ness.

Fuck that. Your racist, sexist uncle is throwing you a lifesaver. Don't let yourself drown in a turbid sea of Updikean suburban malaise. Seek refuge in your racist, sexist uncle's miasma of burped-up Jameson and slutty Italian jokes, the only thing that broke his six-month catatonia after Wife No. 3 went down the shore to Brigantine and never came back.

"What do you call an Italian hooker? A pastatute!"

He is a sacrificial anode, your racist sexist old uncle is. Absent his intervention, we would be pitted and wasted away by the smaller destructive forces of the holiday season.

But beyond the blessed distraction that he provides you in his grace, your racist, sexist uncle makes you a better person, engaging you in an elaborate staged mimesis of the Hegelian master-slave dialectic. For if there is no racist, sexist uncle, then there is no comparative challenge, no middling standard of ugliness, against which to prove your culturally enlightened nature. Without the counterpoint of his rusted-out V8 Firebird with the "NO FAT CHICKS" bumper sticker, your low-emissions Subaru with the "YES WE CAN" magnet is just another car in the jammed-up driveway.

"What do you call two blacks on one bike? ORGANIZED CRIME."

Your racist, sexist uncle is the oval track, and you are the sprinter. Your racist, sexist uncle is the bench-press bar, and you are the lifter. He is the open journal, and you are the pen. You are a master of your fate, of the dictates of racial and gender politeness, only because your other family members can see the reductio ad absurdum of their bigotry in your combed-over foil across the table, sitting there stuffed in a disintegrating Bill Blass dress shirt that Wife No. 2 bought him in the now-defunct Wanamaker's for $8.95.

You sit, a paragon of yoga-loving, organic-banana-mashing-for-the-baby virtue, proving once and for all that, no, Obama is NOT a FUCKING Kenyan, all because he allows you to profess it as he strokes his mustache, the one he calls his "pussy tickler."

How strong is your racist sexist uncle? He is strong like a deceptively named yellow dwarf star, held together by his own gravity, miraculously never collapsing under the internal pressure, keeping us all in his orbit, preventing the rest of us celestial bodies from colliding into each other. If the cost of this is that he tosses off an occasional toxic cloud of gas, or flares up in nobody's particular direction, so be it. We only come around him once every year or so.

Admit it: You envy your racist, sexist old uncle's strength. The tenacity with which he clings to tenuous untruths. His eagerness to ingest your abuse. His ability to say it all, take it all, and afterward, quietly leave your infant child a hundred-dollar bill and a Dave and Buster's gift certificate downstairs, then to leave a six-foot shriek of sheet-metal scratches on the side of your car as he drunkenly pilots his "pussywagon" home.

Why must you love your racist sexist old uncle? Because he can take it, all of it. And so can you.

Deadspin Crane Collapse At Brazil World Cup Stadium Kills 3 | io9 The Best Turkey Frying Disasters o

An Amazingly Bad IT Job Listing that Borders on Abusive

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An Amazingly Bad IT Job Listing that Borders on Abusive

Tech jobs are often hard, thankless, and generally unpleasant—but rarely do you see a company tell you, straight up, it's going to be miserable. The next systems admin for geeky web comic Penny Arcade certainly has their work cut out of them.

"Given our audience and the job at hand, this could potentially be the most competitive position we ever hire for." OK, the stakes are high. This isn't Boy Scout shit—the company is looking for someone who can dazzle with ethernet:

Most of us would say maybe a little TOO lean, but being pushed to your limit is part of the job. I'm not saying that to try and scare you away OR impress you, but it's in both of our best interests to understand and set expectations properly. If you have boundless energy and desire to work on both creative AND sometimes tedious work but in an environment that just might change your life, perhaps this is the opportunity for you.

Well, this sounds like a lot of work, but hard work is a sign of moral superiority and purifies the soul. Let's read on:

We are quite literally looking for a person that can do four jobs: Web Development, Software Development, Sys Admin, and the (dreaded) GENERAL IT for us here that need help configuring a firewall for a dev kit, etc. Sorry, I know that's the WORST, but it's absolutely part of the gig.

Four jobs in one! That's...

So yeah, we know that's a lot to ask of a person, but all of us here work tremendously hard to do a lot of things, and if you'd like to be at the technical epicenter of it all and don't mind having a really bad sense of work-life balance, this is the job for you.

That's definitely not healthy! I mind. I think most people mind. You should mind. If you don't mind you really need to mind. The blurred boundary between the workplace and private life is in vogue for the tech set, but this is just so transparently sick:

We're terrible at work-life balance. Although work is pretty much your life, we do our absolute best to make sure that work is as awesome as possible so you at least enjoy each and every day here

Christ. They're really hammering on this one. At least the pay must be pretty great if the job is going to obliterate your life, right?

Annual Salary: Negotiable, but you should know up front we're not a terribly money-motivated group. We're more likely to spend less money on salary and invest that on making your day-to-day life at work better.

Please add "not a terribly money-motivated group" to the all-time great list of euphemisms. Cool, sounds good. Other perks include "Periodic bonuses" and a "holiday party," so this is pretty much vocational bliss. Penny Arcade, if I can offer you some advice, please consider hiring someone to run HR, too.

Full listing is below:

**** PLEASE NOTE: YOU HAVE UNTIL DECEMBER 20, 2013 AT 9:00 PM PST TO SUBMIT YOUR APPLICATION. PLEASE FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AT @RKHOO FOR UPDATES IN CASE EMAIL GETS SENT TO SPAM FOLDERS, ETC. ****

Given our audience and the job at hand, this could potentially be the most competitive position we ever hire for. We're looking for a web developer / software developer / sys admin to join our small family. We're a team of 15-20 people that essentially run Penny Arcade proper, the online store, our fulfillment center, the PAX shows, Child's Play, PATV, and a bunch of other smaller things that no one ever hears about. We rely heavily on outside partners and vendors, but as far as managing and helping run/deploy the technical infrastructure to most of the things we do, we rely on one person. That person is you.

So yes, we run lean. Most of us would say maybe a little TOO lean, but being pushed to your limit is part of the job. I'm not saying that to try and scare you away OR impress you, but it's in both of our best interests to understand and set expectations properly. If you have boundless energy and desire to work on both creative AND sometimes tedious work but in an environment that just might change your life, perhaps this is the opportunity for you.

We are quite literally looking for a person that can do four jobs: Web Development, Software Development, Sys Admin, and the (dreaded) GENERAL IT for us here that need help configuring a firewall for a dev kit, etc. Sorry, I know that's the WORST, but it's absolutely part of the gig.

So yeah, we know that's a lot to ask of a person, but all of us here work tremendously hard to do a lot of things, and if you'd like to be at the technical epicenter of it all and don't mind having a really bad sense of work-life balance, this is the job for you.

Desired Skills and Experience

General Requirements

- You need to have a crazy-person level of attention to detail.

- Strong project management skills, organizational skills and time-management skills.

- A motivated self-starter who can overcome or workaround issues independently.

- Flexibility to travel up to 30% of the time.

- You should have no problems working in a creative and potentially offensive environment.

- Flexibility adapting to deadlines, changing schedules, priorities and unpredictable events in a fast paced environment.

- The ability to communicate and work well in a team environment as well as on an individual basis.

- Must have the ability to prioritize tasks and balance the immediate and long term needs.

- You should have no problem appearing on camera.

- It's rarely we call on it, but if something breaks in the middle of the night, you are expected to be on call to address that issue 24/7.

Some things you should know about this job.

We're terrible at work-life balance. Although work is pretty much your life, we do our absolute best to make sure that work is as awesome as possible so you at least enjoy each and every day here.

And here are some other things we're using to weed people out. It's not fair. I know. Life's not fair.

- A BA/BS or greater degree in Computer Science or a related field

- A minimum of 3 years in development and project management, preferably in a professional workplace

- Strong experience in PHP, MySQL, Javascript (jQuery and AJAX), CSS, Apache

- Strong experience in one of Java, Python, Ruby, or other object-oriented language

- A history of running and configuring multiple-server environments, including load balancers, web accelerators/caching systems, and databases

- A history of running and configuring multiple server environments, load balancers, and varnish.

- You should probably be a fan of Penny Arcade. Probably. Yeah.

COMPENSATION AND BENEFITS:

- Annual Salary: Negotiable, but you should know up front we're not a terribly money-motivated group. We're more likely to spend less money on salary and invest that on making your day-to-day life at work better.

- Full Medical, Vision and Dental

- 401k (SEP) retirement contributions (2% of annual income per year)

- Holiday pay

- Periodic bonuses

- Flexible vacation time

- We're willing to relocate you if need be

Send me your resume via the linked in system. If you don't submit your resume, I won't look at your application. Sorry - I gotta streamline the process.

Defamer Thanksgiving Movie Roundup: What To Watch To Avoid Your Family

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Defamer Thanksgiving Movie Roundup: What To Watch To Avoid Your Family

Thanksgiving is upon us, and it's a wonderful reminder of one very important thing: there is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Rather than endure another battle over [insert tired trope here of dinner table argument fodder: racist uncles, womens studies major siblings, Obamacare, etc.], why not take part in the next best American pastime after overeating? Bad movies, of course.

Watching a movie with your relatives still counts as family time, after all, with the added blessing of not having to speak to those fucking psychos while doing it. Enter: the Defamer Thanksgiving Movie Roundup. With the end of the year nigh, Hollywood has pumped out every possible film to appeal to your family's own special blend of crazy.

FROZEN

What It's About: Idina Menzel plays to her strengths, as an animated bitchy sorcereress; this time the Snow Queen who has plunged an entire Disney universe into perpetual winter. Much like Wicked, her sweet, blonde sister is out to help her see the error of her ways. There is some sort of adorable Snowman sidekick. I think he might die if Kristen Bell, the Snow Queen's sister, gets her way, but Disney glosses over that in the trailers.

Who It's For: Large families with lots of incredibly precocious yet annoying children. Your creepy 27 year old cousin from Virginia who never grew out of loving everything Disney. White people.

Who It's Not For: Frosty devotees. Anyone who hasn't had children and doesn't understand that spiking your Icee with vodka and praying your kids don't whine for an hour and a half is truly what the Thanksgiving spirit is all about.

HOMEFRONT

What It's About: Jason Statham action movie, written by Sylvester Stallone. Are you really expecting a plot? (Also, James Franco is a meth kingpin, so really, no plot worth speaking of here.)

Who It's For: People who don't have discerning taste. Teenage boys. Bored housewives who wish their husbands looked like Jason Statham, and got dragged to this as payback for the time they made their spouses watch The Help.

Who It's Not For: Anyone who read that Sylvester Stallone wrote the script and immediately thought, "Wait, Sly is literate?"

BAD GRANDPA

What It's About: Johnny Knoxville offers a geriatric take on his usual Jackass stunts. Against all odds, it's supposedly hilarious. America! We have bad taste.

Who It's For: Teenage boys. Men who are still boys. The boyfriend you absolutely should not have brought to Thanksgiving dinner.

Who It's Not For: Your actual grandpa. (Unless your grandpa is chill as hell, in which case, by all means.)

BLACK NATIVITY

What It's About: Based on a Langston Hughes play of the same name, a young Baltimore teenager is sent to live with his family in New York after his mother is evicted from her apartment. Along the way, he learns about family, faith, and divine intervention.

Who It's For: Those who say grace at the Thanksgiving table, and are totally okay with the turkey going cold to listen to what everyone is thankful for this year. Fans of The Best Man Holiday (which is everyone, because that movie is amazing and it killed at the box office when it opened). Anyone who realizes the only upside to a Sex and the City movie is Jennifer Hudson.

Who It's Not For: People who think there are too many 'black movies' out in the marketplace.

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE

What It's About: Kids are still killing kids for the communist Capitol's shits and giggles.

Who It's For: Tweens. Parents of tweens who are tired of finding one too many stiffened tube socks under their sons beds. People who support a free market economy.

Who It's Not For: Communisits. Those who morally oppose senseless killing for sport, even in a fictionalized universe. My dad, who thinks that this is "that movie about starving children in the jungle."

LAST VEGAS

What It's About: Even though they rejected the free tagline I offered of "Four best friends. Las Vegas. One pack of Depends. What could go wrong?" (and the free title: The Hangover 85), I will swallow my pride and tell you to go see this brave movie that bucks Hollywood trends by casting a 60 year old actress as its sexy supporting lead.

Who It's For: Morally bankrupt 30-somethings who want to take the AARP set to the movies as a last ditch effort to make it into their will. Your actual bad grandpa. My dad.

Who It's Not For: Youths. Anyone waiting for Ken Jeong to pop out of an ice cooler. Catherine Zeta-Jones.

OLDBOY

What It's About: Spike Lee remakes the 2003 Korean cult classic, this time starring Josh Brolin as a business man held captive in a room for 20 years, and the violent turns his life takes upon release, as he searches for answers and revenge. This remake has been in development almost since the the original came out, and was repeatedly pushed back on by studios due to the near-excessive amounts of violence. Consider yourself warned, and stock up on barf bags.

Who It's For: Idiots who funded Spike Lee's Kickstarter, even though he's capable of securing studio funding for films. Fans of senseless violence who are too old to watch The Hunger Games. Barbra Streisand.

Who It's Not For: Anyone still full from Thanksgiving dinner. Hipsters who bemoan American bastardization of international classics. Diane Lane.

THOR: THE DARK WORLD

What It's About: Brothers Thor and Loki—currently antagonists, due to Loki's war crimes in The Avengers—reunite against a Dark Elf to save Asgard, the Earth (maybe, I have no idea), and Thor's weird love of utterly unremarkable scientist Jane Foster. But really, let's strip it down to what it is: hot brawny men duking it out repeatedly and often.

Who It's For: Families—there's something here to appeal to everyone: Chris Hemsworth's muscles for the ladies, Tom Hiddleston's charms for the less attractive ladies, Natalie Portman as a rag doll for the men, and cool superheroes for the kids.

Who It's Not For: Anyone who needs things like storylines to sustain them. People who hate fun.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Art by Sam Woolley]


Waitress Who Lied About Anti-Gay 'Tip' Has Told Far Worse Lies

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Waitress Who Lied About Anti-Gay 'Tip' Has Told Far Worse Lies

It turns out the New Jersey waitress who lied about getting an anti-gay insult in lieu of a tip was also lying about a whole bunch of other stuff, including her military service.

According to friends of Dayna Morales who spoke with the Journal News, the 22-year-old is something of a pathological liar whose most recent fabrication is just the latest in a long list of serious lies.

"Every story she comes up with has a lie," coworker Julie Howat told the paper.

Morales' past prevarications include a claim that she had brain cancer and that her home was severely damaged during Sandy.

"Any tragedy that happened, she had to be a part of it," Howat is quoted as saying. "She needed sympathy and empathy."

Perhaps her gravest lie before the reciept episode involved telling her acquaintances that she served in Afghanistan, and that she was the sole survivor of an explosion that wiped out her entire platoon.

Reached for comment by the Journal News, a Marines spokesman said Morales had indeed served four years in the U.S. Marine Corps Reserve until May of 2013, but there was "no indication of combat service in Iraq or Afghanistan."

Though he was unable to release the cause of her discharge, the spokesman did say Morales "did not fulfill her reserve obligation."

Morales is still technically an employee of the Gallop Asian Bistro in Bridgewater, but she is not currently scheduled to work.

[screengrab via MyCentralJersey.com]

High School Student Sets Teacher on Fire During Class

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High School Student Sets Teacher on Fire During Class

Authorities in Tennessee say a 15-year-old high school student set his teacher's hair and clothes on fire during class earlier this week.

Gabriela Peñalba, a science teacher at West High School in Knoxville, reportedly had her back to the classroom when the teen snuck up behind her and ignited her hair and shirt with a lighter.

Students rushed to the 23-year-old teacher's aid, helping her extinguish the blaze.

Exploiting the commotion, the student tossed the lighter out of a nearby window and fled, but was soon caught by school resource officers.

The unidentified suspect reportedly confessed to the crime in a police interview, but his motive remains unclear.

He was subsequently charged with aggravated assault and evading arrest and transported to a juvenile detention facility.

Luckily, Peñalba did not suffer serious burns — a result credited to the quick response of her students.

[photos via Facebook]

Evan Rachel Wood Tells The MPAA "Women Don't Just Have To Be Fucked"

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Evan Rachel Wood Tells The MPAA "Women Don't Just Have To Be Fucked"

Missives intended to shock are nothing surprising from the former Mrs. Marilyn Manson, but Evan Rachel Wood's Twitter rant today could not be more on point. On the heels of producers cutting a scene where Wood receives oral sex, solely to secure an R-rating from the Motion Picture Association of America, Wood took to social media to express her displeasure.

[Balloons will not fly at the 87th Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York if sustained winds exc

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[Balloons will not fly at the 87th Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York if sustained winds exceed 23 mph and gusts top 34 mph. Snoopy's inflation will be decided early Thursday morning by the NYPD, the National Weather Service, and Macy's. Photo by Bebeto Matthews via AP]

According to the Misery Map, a live map that combines real-time weather and flight data, the most mi

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According to the Misery Map, a live map that combines real-time weather and flight data, the most miserable airport in the country is currently Charlotte, followed closely by all New York area airports. Feel free to share your Thanksgiving travel misery with all of us.

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