Dye worm! Old DNA! Shark stomach! Quantum holes! Alien water! Cat chat! Lib psyche! And d-d-d-d-designer stuff, man! It's your weekly Science Watch, where we watch science— with a certain je nais se kwa!

-"Designer sperm."

-Instead of putting dye onto silk to make it a color, scientists are just feeding dye to silkworms and then the silkworms make silk that's already a color. I swear to god sometimes I think scientists have the most boring fucking jobs on the face of the earth.

-Four hundred thousand years ago, humans had DNA. And now, 400,000 years later... we still have DNA. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the vaunted "hope and change" we were promised. Sickening.

-A ghost shark doesn't have a stomach. He gets along just fine. But after Bob got gut shot, all he did was complain and complain and then press charges. Reeeal nice work, Bob (<—-Sarcasm). You're lower than a god damn shark.

-Is there a theoretical link between interstellar wormholes and the concept quantum entanglement? Here comes some comedian: "Hey, let's tie a worm in a knot, and then toss it into a hole, to find out! Chuckle chuckle chuckle." Jesus, shut up for once. You don't think they tried that already?

-The Hubble telescope has found signs of water on five alien planets. By "signs of water" we mean empty beer cans. By "alien planets" we mean "trash cans of various neighbors on our block." By "Hubble telescope" we mean "us." By "found" we mean "filched in the dark of night for redemption value." And isn't that what it's all about—redemption?

-Sometimes it's worth taking a step back and marveling at the fact that we now live in a day and age in which the person standing next to you at the supermarket could, at that very moment, be using their smartphone to video chat with their cat, and be named Choire Sicha.

-Psychologists say that liberals suck at politics so much because conservatives believe that everyone is just like them, but liberals believe "they're each unique in their ideology." How many liberals are reading this right now and whining, "But I'm not like that?" Dude, check what you just said!

-"Designer sperm."

[Photo: Shutterstock]

[Photo:

When Greg and Stacye Terry ordered breakfast off their local McDonald's' Dollar Menu, they didn't expect to get handed a bag full of dollars.

"My husband opened the bag and discovered the money inside," Stacye Terry told NewsChannel5.

The Hermitage, Tennessee, couple were expecting to find the breakfast that had just ordered from the drive-thru at their favorite McDonald's restaurant on Lebanon Road, but instead found the restaurant's daily bank deposit, which had been handed to them in error by a bumbling employee.

The couple, who were at home when they realized the mixup, had planned to immediately return the money (after a few photos for their Facebook page, that is), but were beaten to the punch by the same employee, who arrived at their door minutes later.

"We are grateful for this customer and the action they took upon realizing our error," the store's owner Phil Gray said in a statement. "We are looking in to why this mistake happened, but what is most important to us is knowing that we are part a community with the values that were evidenced by this person's actions."

No word on whether the Terrys ever got their breakfast.

[H/T: The Consumerist, screengrabs via NewsChannel5]

We tend to look at new buildings—especially tall ones—as evidence of a city's economic health (or sickness). But renovations are a way deeper statistical pool—which is why this new map of a decade of filings from the Department of Buildings is so interesting. That's ten years and billions of dollars in a single image.

The interactive map comes courtesy of Sweeten, a startup that matches clients with contractors for renovations in NYC. It shows every single renovation file from the Department of Buildings, starting in February 2003 and ending in September of 2013, as a dot—colors are assigned based on budget, ranging from lavender (up to $350k) to mustard (over $1 million).

It's easy to spot patterns (also keep in mind, with all of these maps, that we excluded 2013 because the map only includes nine months of data). For example, check out the explosion of jobs costing more than $1 million around the Central Park—in particular, on the western edge:

Or the creeping gentrification that seems to move from the Lower East Side into Williamsburg, eastward:

There's also a clear lull during the 2008-09 economic downturn in all of these maps. You can also zoom in on one property. For example: A $55 million renovation at the Park Lane Hotel, formerly owned by Leona Helmsley and now converted into residential condos:

Or, you could just use it to spy on your neighbor's small-fry renovation, which is somehow just as much fun. [Sweeten; Curbed]

Several "young, cash-strapped female privates" from Ft. Hood testified this week that they were pressured to prostitute themselves to superiors—and that the senior soldier who pressed them was his unit's sexual assault prevention officer.

The revelations came in the military trial of Master Sgt. Brad Grimes, who was found guilty late Tuesday on two charges after meeting with one of the women at a La Quinta Inn for paid sex. The 17-year Army veteran, who served in Iraq and Afghanistan, was demoted and given a letter of reprimanded. He will be permitted to remain in the service.

Amazingly, no charges have been filed against the alleged mastermind of the ring, Sgt. First Class Gregory McQueen, who continues to serve on active duty but was recently stripped of his responsibilities as a battalion sex-assault prevention officer on the Texas base.

The female soldiers, who were relatively new to the service and have not been charged with any crimes, testified that they were recruited into prostitution by McQueen. One private alleged that McQueen made "abusive sexual contact" with her during an "interview" to be in the ring, according to the Austin American-Statesman.

One reason McQueen hasn't been arrested is because Grimes wouldn't testify against him—what the New Republic called "the buddy-buddy refusal to report on a predatory peer," part of "the military's corrosive gender culture."

For his part, Grimes attempted to evade by punishment by testifying that he never had sex with the soldier he'd gone to see at the La Quinta. "He was tempted, and it's not a crime to be tempted," Grimes' civilian lawyer said. He added: "At the end of the day, Master Sgt. Grimes chose to do the right thing and not have sex with that young lady."

The young lady, however, disagreed: She said Grimes indeed had sex with her, and paid her $100.

[Photo credit: Bigstock Photo]

Sunny Obama celebrated Christmas at the White House Wednesday with the traditional Felling of a Small Blonde Child in Festive Dress.

To be fair to what is surely a violent and bloodthirsty bear-dog, it appears from video of the incident that Sunny merely startled the little girl, causing her to step backwards and trip over another visiting child's walker.

The little girl (Ashtyn!) was fine. Happy Muslim Christmas, Obamerica.

[Image via Getty; GIF via @Vulture]

Say what you will about the pickup bros who went around motorboating women in exchange for breast cancer research donations, they were not dissuaded by rejection.

Despite having their $7,000 donation to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation returned with a no-thank-you note, Jason, Jesse, and Kong of Simple Pickup decided they weren't going to let "a few radical feminists" get in the way of a good deed.

So rather than spend the $7,000 on pickup stuff like Axe Body Spray, coconut pomade, and scarves, the guys followed through with their promise to help raise awareness for breast cancer.

"We did not want to give up," Simple Pickup says in a newly released video, "because breast cancer is something that's affected all three of our families. We read through your comments and one suggestion kept popping up: Why don't we give the money to someone who has breast cancer who really needs it."

Meet Crystal Cody.

Crystal is a single mother raising three kids with little money and no health insurance, having been let go by her employer.

Since being diagnosed with stage III breast cancer in 2009, Crystal has undergone seventeen surgeries, including a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy.

In the video, Simple Pickup pay Crystal a surprise visit and donate the money rejected by the breast cancer charity directly to her.

There's an extra surprise around the 5:20 mark to ensure even the hardest of holdout come away crying.

Simple Pickup's final gesture was to set up an IndieGoGo fund for Crystal so people at home could help out as well.

Checkmate, radical feminists.

[video via Simple Pickup]

On November 24, after nine months of investigative work, the New York Times published a huge front page story raising questions about possible corruption and murder within the St. Johns County, FL Sheriff's department. Here's how the local paper there, the St. Augustine Record, responded:

With this headline:

NYT Reporter: No Regrets About Writing Story

With this subhed:

O'Connell death investigation story complicated and required documents, time

With this lede:

St. Augustine made national news more than a week ago when the New York Times published its investigative report into the 2010 death of Michelle O'Connell.

Subsequent reaction hasn't just been outrage over the investigation, but also at the Times. After all, the New York Times is, to many, the quintessential example of big media. Some wondered afterward if the first loser in all this was St. Augustine, a victim of big media parachuting into a small town and just getting the pulse wrong.

With this analysis:

Florida is "a good place to do reporting and get records," [NYT reporter Walt Bogdanich] said.Bogdanich had never been to St. Augustine until the O'Connell assignment. He said he spent time in St. Augustine off and on for nine months to do his investigative reporting. He said he got to know many in the community and made some good friends.

"Everyone knows everyone else. Living in New York, that is kind of different to us," he said. "The people were so welcoming and so friendly."

One office that he was not able to befriend was the St. Johns County Sheriff's Office.

Huh, so this reporter does not regret publishing this Pulitzer-quality investigative story (which you, the local paper, did not uncover) even though it was "complicated," and he couldn't "befriend" the sheriff he was accusing of covering up a murder? Huh.

Great work, you fucking yokels.

[Pic via Flickr. St. Augustine is my hometown.]

It turns out that Gawker wasn't the only entity desperately trying to buy video footage of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. According to newly released passages of a sworn police affidavit filed in Toronto court, Mayor Ford may have attempted to purchase the video himself well before Gawker even knew about its existence.

The new allegations are included in a police document put together in order to obtain search warrants for an operation called Project Traveller, an investigation into Toronto's Dixon City Bloods gang. The document includes extensive summaries of police wiretaps, which is how police went from investigating just a local street gang to investigating the elected leader of their city.

One of the wiretaps revealed a conversation between two men, speaking mostly in Somali, discussing the possibility of selling the Rob Ford crack video. One of the men in that conversation, Mohamed Siad, is the drug dealer who met with Gawker's John Cook in an attempt to sell him the footage back in May. "Remember that day he said that in front of me," says Siad on the tape, possibly referencing the mayor or one of the mayor's emissaries. "Ya, he said 'I'll give you five thousand and a car.' What the fuck is that?'" Siad then said he planned to meet Mayor Ford and ask for $150,000 in exchange for the video.

The wiretaps also allegedly exposed gang members accusing Mayor Ford of doing heroin and plans to blackmail Ford if he ever went to the police. The National Post reports in a bullet-pointed breakdown:

• One of the men suspected of peddling the "crack video" of Mr. Ford said he also had pictures of the mayor "doing the hezza," which is a slang term for heroin;
• Alleged gang members said they were not afraid of the mayor turning them in to police because they had pictures of him "on the pipe";
• The mayor's close friend and occasional driver, Alexander Lisi, used purported influence over police as leverage in dealing with a gang, saying if he didn¹t get his way 'the mayor would put heat on Dixon,' which was the gang's territory;
• The mayor's cellphone was stolen while he was at a crack house after late-night calls were made arranging a drug delivery "because Rob Ford wants some drugs;"
• Lisi exchanged marijuana to an alleged gang member for the return of Mr. Ford's stolen phone;
• Mr. Ford appears might been set up by drug dealers videoing him consuming drugs knowing it could be valuable, raising the spectre of blackmail;
• A man involved with alleged drug dealers said they "love and respect Rob Ford" but also "have Rob Ford on a lot of fucked up situations" so the mayor's friends should be careful.

Surely the most damning allegation in the new documents is that the crack video was the motive behind the murder of a 21-year-old named Anthony Smith. According to the Toronto Star, testimony Ford's "logistics director" David Price gave to police suggested that Smith was killed for being in possession of the phone with the crack video on it:

In one staggering claim, the police document states: "Price disclosed that the cell phone containing the recording of interest belonged to the deceased (Anthony Smith) and that it was the motive for his murder," the police document states, referring to claims Price made on May 17.

Smith, 21, was shot dead on King Street West on March 28, part of a gang dispute.

"Price stated that the male (Smith) died because of the phone," the police documents state.

CTV News reports, however, that Price is wrong, with other wiretaps saying Smith was killed for reasons not directly related to the video: "[W]iretaps suggest that this theory was flawed and that Smith's murder may have been pay-back for Smith and his 'associates' robbing someone in November 2012."

Police asked Price to not tell Mayor Ford he was speaking with them, but Price did tell councilor Doug Ford, the mayor's brother. Doug Ford was reportedly not pleased. "Ahh Fuck Dave," he said, according to police.

[Image via Getty]

So much for the principal being your pal: A Texas middle school principal informed Hispanic students in her school that they would no longer be allowed to speak Spanish while in class.

Principal Amy Lacey of Hempstead Middle School in Hempstead made the announcement over the intercom last month.

It didn't stick: With over 50 percent of students enrolled at the school being Hispanic, it didn't take long for the school district to issue a letter clarifying that there was no official policy "prohibiting the speaking of Spanish."

Principal Lacey has since been placed on paid administrative leave pending the results of a district investigation.

Despite the district's efforts to assuage parents, it seems some damage has already been done.

"People don’t want to speak [Spanish] no more, and they don’t want to get caught speaking it because they’re going to get in trouble," sixth-grader Kiara Lozano told KHOU.

Other students said several teachers have since issued their own ban on Spanish, telling students they will be written up or kicked out of class if they are caught speaking it.

Many in Hempstead also side with the principal on the issue of forced assimilation.

"I would defend her because she's right," resident Ruth Zboril told the CBS affiliate. "How else are they going to assimilate?"

[H/T: Opposing Views, screengrab via KHOU]

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The magazine gods they giveth, and the magazine gods they taketh away. Just days after New York Magazine announced that they are cutting back to only two editions a month, Newsweek has announced plans to return to a weekly edition, starting in January or February.

Chinese pigs are in for a surprise — the UK and China just signed a $74 million deal to export British pig semen to Chinese farms, where the pigs will be artificially inseminated.

Apparently the British pigs are much more desirable than their Chinese counterparts. According to the Financial Times, British pigs eat less, grow faster, and mate more than Chinese pigs.

And China needs the help. Although more than half the world's pigs are estimated to live in China, the country actually became a net importer of pork in 2008.

The semen will be taken from one of four British artificial insemination centers and then flown — fresh and frozen — to China.

Britons also see a huge opportunity in pig trotters (feet), which are often thrown away in the UK but considered a fine delicacy in China. In October, a Chinese official was suspended when it became public that he had spent $115,000 over three years at a pig trotter restaurant.

[image via Shutterstock]

These new doodles, hacked by the politically-minded Guccifer and published for the first time here on Gawker, appear to be the Bill Clinton doodles that the world has patiently been waiting for.

Presidential doodles are commonly made public, and were even the subject of a book, "Presidential Doodlings," but for years, the Clinton Foundation has refused requests through its press office.

Guccifer already unleashed presidential artistry on the world when he hacked George W. Bush earlier this year. This time, it appears he hacked into the Clinton Library's files, retrieving the scans from a folder called "wjcdrawings".

Clinton's doodles include a Roy Delgado-esque sketch of a limousine:

These doodles were made during a briefing on Slobodan Milosevic and possible UN sanctions against the FR Yugoslavia:

A partial motorcycle and a brick wall:

Self-portrait, maybe? Continuing the brick motif:

[images via Guccifer]

As stories about Paul Walker's generosity and kind spirit flood his Facebook page in the wake of the actor's untimely demise, one incredible story in particular stood out for many.

Former jewelry store clerk Irene King will never forget the day Walker walked into the Santa Barbara jeweler where she worked.

Not because it was exciting to see a celebrity in the shop — but because of what the Hollywood star did while he was there.

It was during the holiday season of '04, and Walker was looking around the store while a couple nearby was picking out an engagement ring.

Kyle Upham was a soldier just back from his first tour of duty in Iraq and about to head overseas again.

His fiancee, Kristen, spotted something "she really, really liked," according to King — a $9,000 engagement set. "He said, ‘Honey, I can’t afford that,'" King recalled.

That's when Walker stepped in an quietly told the managed to "put it on my tab."

After he left the store, the manager called the couple back and told them the ring had been taken care of.

King said she and the other store employees have kept their promise not to reveal the identity of the mystery benefactor, but with Walker's passing, they thought the world would want to know.

After King finally spilled the beans on Facebook and the story went viral, the Uphams, still happily married, came forward.

"I noticed there was someone else in there but didn’t give it much thought, and we started looking at rings and whatnot and he kept saying, ‘Go bigger’ and I kept saying, ‘No, look at the prices," Kristen told CBS Los Angeles, explaining why she chose a ring so clearly out of their reach.

It was Walker's doing.

The couple exchanged pleasantries with the actor, and then Kyle mentioned he had just come back from Iraq.

"I remember seeing the look in his face,” Kristen said. "He kind of transformed."

When they were later called back to the store to pick up their new ring, the couple asked how it was purchased, but the employees refused to say, and only responded with a silent smile.

The Uphams say they suspected it was Walker all along, but weren't sure — until King came forward with the other half of the story.

[photo via Facebook, screengrab via CBS2]

A Vancouver, Washington woman who enjoyed tweeting about area news, including traffic, under the handle @ScanCouver may have unintentionally live-tweeted a car accident that her husband was fatally injured in.

The tweets take place over a four hour period, and as the day went on, Caran Johnson switched from commenting on the accident to asking news organizations and authorities for help locating her husband, who apparently had not come home on time.

Finally, two hours after the accident, she found out what happened.

Of course, there's a chance it's a hoax. But Johnson has more than 13,000 community-oriented tweets and interacted with local news organizations, who seemed familiar with her.

It began when a local newspaper, the Columbian, tweeted about the accident.

@Col_cops i hate that section of I205 S. too many on ramps, speeders and too few lanes.

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

#Clark911 One lane of I-205 is closed. WSP will likely have to block the whole interstate to allow the helicopter to land.

— Columbian Metrodesk (@Col_cops) December 4, 2013

@troyglidden @Col_cops this accident sounds horrible.

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

LifeFlight is standing down. #clark911

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

They said they are so close to SWWMC, they can take the patient there, instead of Lifeflight. #clark911

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

@Col_cops @wspd5pio omg that is so horrible!!!

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

Vancouver - SB 205 @ Padden - Fatality collision. WB Padden to SB 205 is closed. Right lane SB 205 also closed in area. Use alt route!

— Trooper Will Finn (@wspd5pio) December 4, 2013

nice, two vehicles went around officer blocking onramp to I205S. lame-o's!

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

I'm trying not to panic, but my husband left work early and he drives 205 to get home. he's not answering his phone.

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

and he's late.

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

@KF7PSC well he uses his bluetooth, so he would answer his phone. he also wasn't feeling good so his work was concerned when he left

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

i'm a basketcase

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

I just called his work and he was feeling faint when he left work. #panic

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

what do i do now? he might have pulled over because he was feeling faint and then passed out or had a seizure. he has epilepsy

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

how long do i wait for him to come home before I call the police?

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

i just called 911 and they transferred me after I gave them his license number and told me that they will call me back. wtf?

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

and now my kids are home from school...

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

Finally, she found out.

it's him. he died

— CJ (@ScanCouver) December 4, 2013

[h/t KATU image via Shutterstock]

First Princeton, and now the University of California Santa Barbara. The California school is having a meningitis outbreak. There have been four reported cases so far, and it's pretty serious. One infected lacrosse player had to have his feet amputated last month.

A Brooklyn man was arrested after police mistook his breath mints for Ecstasy.

Forty-six-year-old Ron Hankins was walking down a Brooklyn street in April when an officer "observed the defendant in possession of a plastic bag containing a quantity of methylenedioxymethamphetamins."

According to Hankins, the police stopped without cause and searched him.

He was arrested for possession of MDMA, handcuffed and held for 30 hours.

According to the complaint's admittedly boilerplate language, the lead officer had professional training in the identification of ecstasy, had previously seized ecstasy, and subsequently determined that Hankins' pills were ecstasy.

Except the pills were actually breath mints.

Now Hankins is is suing, claiming although he repeatedly told police that they were breath mints, he was still arrested, booked and arraigned.

It's not the NYPD's first time mistaking candy for drugs — another Brooklyn man was arrested and held for 24 hours in October after officers mistook his Jolly Ranchers for meth.

[image via Shutterstock]

[An Indonesian man watches as Mount Sinabung erupts in Gundaling. Fifteen thousand people have already been evacuated since November 24, when the volcano's status was raised to the highest level. Photo by Binsar Bakkara via AP]

Research shows that sex is only "moderate" exercise—"Though some men...used more energy for brief periods during sex than they did jogging." I bet while they were vigorously thrusting their penises.

Paramount's relentless Ron Burgundy overkill press blitz may finally be stopped; Ireland is a great place to visit if you don't mind being killed on the 9th day of your 10 day trip; Lars Von Trier wants to help you get porn in two parts; and Amanda Bynes has been released from rehab.

• Good news: ESPN has helped halt this nation's crippling addiction to Ron Burgundy, if for one night at least. Will Ferrell as the mustachioed anchor will no longer be hosting SportsCenter tonight. Bad news: It's because an announcement may come about charges being filed against FSU quarterback Jameis Winston, who has been accused of rape. [Vulture]
• Ireland will be vaguely using Game Of Thrones to boost tourism in the northern part of the country, where the show is filmed. Though they don't say exactly how they plan to do that, may we suggest a fun for the whole family game, where the person being the most annoying in the station wagon has their head impaled on a spike at King's Landing? [BBC]
• If paying money to watch semi-attractive people fuck unattractive people (instead of just going on RedTube like everyone else), you'll love this: Lars Von Triers' Nymphomaniac is now being split into two films. [Deadline]
• Amanda Bynes has been released from rehab to the care of her family, and we sincerely wish her well during this difficult time. [THR]

Breakdowns is a daily roundup of all the news that wasn't interesting enough to deserve two paragraphs.