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Drunk On-Duty Cop Sent Sexually Explicit Texts to a Twelve-Year-Old

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Drunk On-Duty Cop Sent Sexually Explicit Texts to a Twelve-Year-Old

Police say an on-duty rural Alaskan cop got drunk and sent dozens of sexually charged text messages to a 12-year-old girl from a governmental cell phone.

Twenty-two-year-old Leon Outwater, a village police officer in Kobuk, Alaska was arrested Thursday, nearly a month after the 12-year-old's mother discovered the texts.

To arrest Outwater, troopers had to fly 155 miles from Kotzebue — the largest city in the Northwest Arctic Borough — to Kobuk. The small community (pop. 140) banned the importation and sale of alcohol in the 1980s.

Outwater allegedly sent the girl at least 20 texts, allegedly soliciting sex, in November from a communal cell phone shared by Alaskan officers.

When he was confronted by police, Outwater had an explanation: "I was drunk."

Outwater's been charged with first- and second-degree sexual abuse of a minor, plus a tampering charge for deleting the texts off the phone.

[image via Shutterstock]


New Jersey Realtors Caught on Camera Having Sex in a Client's Home

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New Jersey Realtors Caught on Camera Having Sex in a Client's Home

A New Jersey couple is suing real estate firm Coldwell Banker and two of its New Jersey agents for allegedly sabotaging sales so that the agents could use their vacant home to have sex.

Richard and Sandra Weiner contracted with two agents — Robert Lindsay and Jeannemarie Phelan — to sell their Wayne, New Jersey home in 2010.

Lindsay, the former president of the Passaic County Board of Realtors, advised the couple to list the house for $650,000.

But instead of showing the home to potential customers, Lindsay and Phelan showed themselves — on camera — at least ten times over a two-year period.

"Lindsay used his position at Coldwell to obtain for himself and Phelan a place to have sex," and he "listed the house above market value to avoid Realtor traffic in the home while he and Phelan carried on their trysts,” according to the suit.

The agents literally got caught with their pants down after Sandra Weiner saw two strange people with flashlights on the home's security cameras.

According to the lawsuit, "The police opened the door to the house and found Lindsay pulling up his pants... Lindsay lied to police by telling them that he was there to prepare the house for an open house. … Instead, Lindsay and Phelan were at the house to have sex."

According to a company statement, Coldwell fired the two agents.

"Immediately after learning of the allegation of improper behavior at the property by two independent contractors in January 2012, we ceased our affiliation with the agents... These agents have not listed or sold properties on our behalf since the allegation of misconduct at the home was first reported."

[image via boblindsay.net and realtor.com]

Prosecutors have downgraded the charges against the bikers involved in the Range Rover assault caugh

​Remaining Pussy Riot Members Freed Under "Hoax" Amnesty Law

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​Remaining Pussy Riot Members Freed Under "Hoax" Amnesty Law

Under new amnesty laws, two members of Russian punk collective Pussy Riot were released from Russian prisons on Monday, about three months ahead of schedule. In keeping with their general "Fuck Putin" stance, the women slammed the move as a "PR move" designed to make Putin look compassionate.

"We didn't ask for any pardon. I would have sat here until the end of my sentence because I don't need mercy from Putin," Maria Alyokhina told the New York Times after her release. "I think this is an attempt to improve the image of the current government, a little, before the Sochi Olympics — particularly for the Western Europeans But I don't consider this humane or merciful. This is a lie."

Alyokhina also told a Russian TV channel that the amnesty was a "hoax" and "PR move" that applied to less than 10 percent of the prison population. Alyokhina and Nadezhda Tolokonnikov received the amnesty because both have small children.

Alyokhina was released from a prison in the western city of Nizhny Novgorod, and Tolokonnikov, who earlier this year went "missing," was released from a prison in Siberia. A third jailed Pussy Riot member, Yekaterina "Katya" Samutsevich, was set free in October 2012 after winning her appeal.

The trio was arrested and jailed in March 2012 on charges of hooliganism after staging an anti-Putin "punk prayer" in Moscow's Christ the Savior Cathedral. After about seven months, during which time the trio was imprisoned without adequate rest or food, the women were convicted and sentenced to two years. The prolonged imprisonment and harsh sentence—for a 30-second protest—generated international headlines and support from musicians, artists, and world leaders.

Last Thursday, Putin granted amnesty to Mikhail B. Khodorkovsky, who was once Russia's richest man and a rival of Putin's. Khodorkovsky, who has been imprisoned—under suspect charges—since 2003, was released from prison later that night.

[Image via AP]

Black Drag-Dancing Santas Anger Townsfolk at Alabama Christmas Parade

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Semmes, Alabama, is named for a Confederate admiral. Shockingly, the people of Semmes, Alabama, felt a little weird about an "all-male, African-American gay dance team from Mobile" impersonating sexy Santa gals at their annual Christmas parade. If by weird, you mean irate.

The 3,000-strong population of Semmes apparently likes its Christmas parade the way it likes its nooses: straight. And the Friends of Semmes, who put on the parade, feel just awful that the town's upstanding citizens and children were forced to see the young African-American gentlemen of the Prancing Elites in action, according to Mobile's Fox 10:

[Prancing Elites] Group Captain Kentrell Collins said he had every reason to believe the routine would be welcomed at the Semmes Christmas parade. After all, they were invited.

"I said, 'we're all over 21 and we're guys.' She was so excited. She was like 'I didn't know they had any groups like that in Mobile,'" Collins said.

However, instead of applause or cheers group members said they heard lots of jeers.

"Some of them were saying stuff like 'Oh my God, what's that?'" dancer Adrian Clemons said.

Here's an Instagram of the troupe posing in their outfits, more of which can be seen during the parade dance number in the video above:

Black Drag-Dancing Santas Anger Townsfolk at Alabama Christmas Parade

Claudia Davis, area white woman, spoke to the TV station on behalf of wide-mouthed concerned citizens everywhere. "I was outraged and appalled," she said, as she stood shaking beside her presumably now-warped daughter:

"I never expect anything like this at the Semmes Christmas parade!.. If they were gonna put this... kind of... activity in the parade, they should have notified the people of Semmes so that we had a choice whether we wanted out child to attend and see something like that."

Indeed. Besides naming its fair town in honor of a secessionist who was arrested for treason after the War of Northern Aggression, Semmes' other claims to fame are that it has its own zip code and Walmart, according to Google:

Black Drag-Dancing Santas Anger Townsfolk at Alabama Christmas Parade

As for the Prancing Elites, they're kind of a big deal on the internet and in Mobile. They've been tweeted out by Shaquille O'Neal ("THESE DUDES B JAMMIN") and previously scored some minor viral hits. They're running a Kickstarter, and according to their webpage, you can also follow the dancers on Twitter at their awesome handles: @prancinge, @prettyboiken, @dreaded_cuntboy, and @iDance_soWhat.

You just probably won't see them on the street in Semmes anytime soon.

[Photo credit: Prancing Elites/Instagram]

Deadspin Joe Flacco Bought A Mega Millions Ticket At 7-11 | Gizmodo Snapchat's Update Lets You Repla

Woman's Secret Christmas Wish Finally Revealed Two Years After Her Death

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Before she passed away of ovarian cancer two years ago, Brenda Schmitz secretly left behind a very important letter in the possession of a friend with the explicit instruction that it be mailed to a specific Des Moines radio station once her husband had decided to remarry.

When David announced this past summer that he had proposed to his girlfriend Jane, Brenda's friend mailed her letter to Star 102.5 FM, as she had requested.

"In more than 20 years of granting Christmas Wishes, we've never received a wish quite like the one we received from Brenda Schmitz," the station wrote on its blog.

David was invited to visit the station's studio's, but was not informed about the letter until he was on the air.

"I have a wish for David and the boys [David and Brenda shared four sons] and the woman and her family if she has kids also [Jane has two children from a previous relationship]," Brenda's wish begins. "I want them to know I love them very much and they always feel safe in a world of pain."

In addition to her kind words, Brenda left behind three wishes she hoped would bring the new family closer together: A weekend of "pampering" for Jane ("she deserves it. Being a step-mother to all those boys"); A "magical trip" for the whole family to a place where they can enjoy each other's company and "create those memories that will be with them forever"; and, lastly, a night out "full of drinks, food, and fun" for the cancer doctors and nurses at Mercy Medical Center "for all they do everyday for the cancer patients they encounter."

With the help of several local business, KSTZ has already arranged to provide three catered "food drops" to the oncology staff at Mercy and will be sending David, Jane, and the rest of the family to Disney World, all expenses paid.

[H/T: Uproxx]

The Year in Hard Times

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The Year in Hard Times

In 2013, we heard true stories from lots of people who were, to varying degrees, going through hard times. Military veterans. Workers at various low-wage jobs. Unemployed people. Let's remember a few of the year's most memorable true stories.

The unemployed

We ran 40 weekly installments of our "Unemployment Stories" series, which wrapped up earlier this year. You can read them all here. There but for the grace of god goes any of us.

From a former social worker:

"The stress and fear and anxiety as I watch my life sink into poverty with loss after loss after loss is beyond description. Loss of job, loss of health insurance, loss of transportation — my car broke down and needs a repair that is beyond my reach. The equity in the house I've lived in and payed on for 17 years? Evaporated in the mortgage debacle. It is currently unsalable in this market unless I want to take a loss.

My modest savings? Gone. Unemployment benefits? Now, finally gone. And did I ever enjoy the constant anxiety of watching Congress play "will we or won't we" on extending unemployment benefits every few weeks. I lost 13 weeks of benefits because my state got triggered. Next loss on the agenda is my meager 401K (about $7,000) of which the government is going to take 20% off the top to punish me for taking MY OWN MONEY to support myself during financial hardship. It ought to last about 4 months. I haven't had a mammogram in two years , a checkup with my doctor, a visit to the dentist or been able to replace my glasses."

From a former Marine:

"I've spent many hours awake because I have no income and have no idea how to make any. I want to take my son to the movies. I want to take him to see hockey and baseball like my dad used to do with me. I want to buy him ice cream from time to time, but I can't. Instead I find myself slumped on the couch cursing some unknown entity for mine, and so many others, predicament. We're not lazy, we're not uneducated, we're not waiting for, nor wanting, a handout. We just want a chance to make a living."

From a former electrical worker:

"I miss having a job and being productive. I still wake early and keep working hours. I drive around and look with envious stares at people doing landscape or carwash work. (How pathetic am I? To be envious and almost stew with anger at minimum wage workers, wishing to be among their ranks...). All pride and self esteem are at all time lows for me... I was once someone who was proud, productive and had hope. I played on stages for years to crowds of people. Now I am nothing and nobody. I hang my head in shame and wonder how to provide for my children."

From an unemployed mother at Christmas:

"There won't be any gifts, a tree, a wreath or any candles in the windows at our house this year. There's not much point, and we can't afford the extra cost on the electric bill. My kids each got a much-needed haircut, my son a couple of new sweaters and my daughter a new pair of boots. They need those things now, so they didn't get wrapped to place under a tree. As much as my son wants a bass guitar and my daughter a cello for school orchestra, they know those items will just have to wait and not even to ask...

I cry a lot at night, when everyone else is asleep. I feel like crying all the time, but I don't want my kids to see me. They know things are not good, and they're pretty stressed out about it. Tempers are short and it gets harder and harder not to shout when they ask why we don't have certain things any more. This morning, the national news channel offered the helpful sound bite that kids who have happy childhoods, grow up to make more money as adults. My kids are so screwed. I am so sorry for that."

Veterans

We heard several stories from veterans who spoke about the hardships of life after war.

From a veteran's wife:

"When people look at my husband and say, "Oh he's fine, he can go back to work," I think to myself - do you know what my life is like? That my husband refuses to ever get back on a boat of any kind for fear of triggering an episode? That even the Staten Island Ferry is off limits? That the thought of going to the pool and swimming is enough to give my husband enough anxiety that he can't leave the house for a few days? That we can never go any place by plane because current airport security measures can trigger an episode? That there are some days, he can't get out of bed because he feels like a failure because he can't hold a job? That a nasty person can set my husband off? [...]

I wonder, if my husband, who has a wife to help him and advocate for him, has to fight for care and disability benefits, what about those veterans who don't? The vets who are homeless, physically and mentally disabled, who need long term care?"

"How much of me died in that piece of shit swamp?": "

During my deployment (to a country that wasn't officially at war) Children, woman, teenagers and men alike all met an indiscriminate end at my hand. On my best days I tell myself I killed to survive, on my worst my mind tells me I committed acts of madness so that i didn't go mad.

There are a lot of grudges that I hold close to my heart, in some sense it means that I will always be at war. At war with my actions, at war with my survival, at war with suits who tell you that you kill for a good cause and that we (the west) were/are the good guys."

Walmart workers

This year brought us (another) bounty of stories from those who work at America's largest employer.

From a cashier:

"It is so easy for you, as a customer, to look at our weary, broken faces and see that we've given up. It is so easy to lose your temper because this item is not in stock, and there is never anyone in the department, and the store is dirty. It's easy to scream for a manager because an employee walked past you without helping you, when they've been dealing with being kicked by little kids, yelled at by other customers, and having to do work far outside their job description and capabilities for the last 4 hours, and they just really, REALLY needed to go to the bathroom.

It would be so easy to look at one of your cashiers, and just say 'thank you', or 'I'm sorry'. It would be easy to realize that we are human beings, working one of the most stressful jobs with absolutely no support, and have some compassion. We don't want to be where we are, and we all start out happy and cheerful and helpful; and then Walmart kills our souls, and breaks our spirit, and grinds us down. Walmart is where the poor go to work until they die."

Zen balance:

"There are very few women on overnights, and only one other that was close to my age. I would get constantly sexually harassed by other associates (often in front of management). One asked me every day if I wanted to fuck-I repeatedly told management, and they refused to do anything, and wouldn't even take care to separate us on the floor. Finally he was arrested, for smoking meth with and then raping a 13 year old girl. My store was full of such winners.

On another occasion, while helping an associate stock the pets department, a pallet of dog food fell on top of me after I cut the shrink wrap. I started screaming for another associate, and was greeted by one that frequently hit on me-he stood and laughed, as I lay trapped, telling me that he had seen "mosquito bites" that looked worse than that. I informed my manager, and he simply told me to "find my zen balance", and that it wasn't their problem."

From a former employee:

"It is so very true that Walmart feeds into the welfare and Medicaid systems because the hourly wage controls perpetuate poverty. Walmart employees are the dictionary definition of the working poor. Walmart permits employees to cash their paychecks at the register which is commonly eaten up by their cartfuls of food and other necessities. This company perpetuates a system where employee earnings flow right back to this colossal unseeing and uncaring corporation...

Walmart back rooms are filled with huge posters of inspirational quotes from Sam Walton about the strength and benefit of empowered workers. What a freaking joke. There would be charitable giving campaigns when the people most in need of charity were the employees. Ice cream socials would be sponsored for employees that had fallen on difficult times and the management would ask for employee monetary donations. Maybe if this multibillon dollar corporation paid a living wage and provided benefits they wouldn't need to call on employees that made less than 8 dollars per hour to help similarly situated financially strapped coworkers."

Amazon workers

Amazon is the future of retailing in America. And the future of retail jobs may involve a lot of warehouse work.

As far as the eye can see:

"I have to touch on the size of this place too. [...] like bigger than 12 city blocks. Last night when I drove to work it took me about 15 min - when you arrive there is a line of cars to get in. Waiting in that line to get to a parking space took 15 min the same time as my commute! There's no way for me to fully describe the size of this place. There are over 7 miles of conveyor belts. The two ends of the warehouse is where product is stored. Think of a library with very small isles. Now imagine over 250 isles deep. Now imagine over 13 long isles across. Now imagine three floors of that. And finally imagine that double since there are two of these "libraries" - one on each side of the building.

Your break is 15 min twice a day and 30 min lunch. But if you are in the wrong place of the warehouse you could easily walk a half mile to a mile to get to break and that time supposedly counts. So sometimes you get to your break sit down for 5 min and start your fucking hike again."

From a warehouse worker in Tennessee:

"What truly is alarming is the amount of people that get injured on the job. I was out for a month and a half due to severe leg pain caused by too much standing on concrete and not enough support. I'm in fine physical condition and have never had any issues with standing for long periods, but the stress and strain of standing in one place, and constantly doing the same garbage over and over again took its toll on me physically. It was suggested that I purchase new shoes, which I did - specifically for the job, that didn't help. When I saw the worker comp doctor, I was told that a steady stream of associates had been in for various physical complaints. If amazon paid any attention to their employees perhaps that wouldn't happen!?"

Walking concrete:

"I work at the Chester, Virginia warehouse. They paint this picture of it being a fun place. That you get to play games during breaks and have so much fun. The only games they play with you is mind games. That brings me to my 2nd complaint, unrealistic goals. They expect an incredible pace. I was in good shape when I got there, but I was NOT prepared for the miles of walking on concrete every day. My feet hurt so bad, I would have trouble going to sleep, I was in so much pain. My feet have toughened up, but the pay has not."

Fast food workers

Sick of low wages, dead-end job prospects, and an income that required the help of welfare benefits to survive, fast food workers and union organizers banded together for a series of national strikes throughout 2013. They will continue in 2014, barring an unexpected revolution.

Merry Christmas to everyone who struggled this year.

[Image by Jim Cooke]


Carlos Santana Finds Homeless Ex-Bandmate Thanks to Local News Story

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It started with a local news piece about illegal dumping in east Oakland, and ended with the reunion of two musical greats: Carlos Santana and his former Blues Band drummer Marcus "The Magnificent" Malone.

Malone was just another homeless person featured in KRON 4's "People Behaving Badly" segment two weeks ago, until he happened to mention that he was once a valued member of the original Santana band before trouble got him thrown in jail just before Woodstock, before the band hit it big.

Having been living on the streets ever since, Marcus had mostly long given on ever seeing his old friend Carlos Santana ever again.

That is, until the segment went to air.

Shortly thereafter, Santana phoned the station to ask for help tracking Marcus down. And on December 20 they were finally reunited.

"You don't know how hard I prayed to get to see you," Marcus told Santana.

And now that they've found each other again, Santana doesn't plan on letting Marcus get lost again.

"I want to offer him a place to stay in an apartment, get him some clothes, and just get him out of the street," he told CNN yesterday. "I want to offer my brother Marcus Malone an opportunity to record on the next album with the original band, with Greg Rolie."

Santana says he hoped to get some congas in Marcus's hands soon, so they can start recording as early as next month.

[H/T: BroBible]

Here's a Touching Video From the First Gay Wedding on This Army Base

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This is the arch of swords, the longstanding funnysweet ritual that closes military weddings. This one, held at Fort Bragg, is a little different, though—in a lovely, historic way.

A one-star general and a top enlisted soldier were among the 100-plus attendees at this marriage ceremony Saturday for Major Daniel Toven and his same-sex partner Johnathan Taylor at Ft. Bragg's main chapel—the first such ceremony ever performed on one of the Army's largest bases.

The base is located in North Carolina, where gay marriage is still illegal, so the Episcopal ceremony was merely a blessing; the couple had officially married earlier in Washington, D.C.

Nevertheless, the mood was joyous as the married couple went through their arch of swords.

Toven commands a military band on the post; Taylor "works as a nurse at Cape Fear Valley Medical Center," according to the Fayetteville Observer. "Their first date was at Pierro's Italian Bistro in downtown Fayetteville."

In his role as a bandleader, Toven has a high profile, and he and Taylor say superior officers and peers on base had welcomed the couple at events without trouble long before the wedding.

"There was that moment when the angels were singing," Taylor said. "From then on, it's just been normal."

Batman Goes Batshit in Times Square, Gets Comforted by Two Spider-Men

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There's a lot going on in this home video of an intense confrontation between the Dark Knight and his archnemesis, the Wanna-be Times Square Gangsta — almost none of it canon.

While we don't know what exactly set Batman off, we do know what eventually calmed him down: Two friendly neighborhood fanny-pack-wearing Spider-Men.

Still a better superhero story than Superman Returns.

[H/T: Gothamist]

Eliot Spitzer is secretly dating Lis Smith, the head spokeswoman of mayor-elect Bill de Blasio (and

Soulless Woman Steals Christmas Packages Off Her Neighbors' Porches

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A real-life Grinch was caught on camera last week swiping Christmas packages from the front porches of her neighbors' homes in Bothell, Washington.

Resident Dandy Weyn, who used his Logitech Alert system to capture footage of the thief in action, quickly learned that his was not the only house to have been hit.

"I assumed it was a mix up in the delivery until I started hearing that it was happening to other people," neighbor Sandy Madan told KIRO 7 Eyewitness News.

Weyn says he's now planning the second phase of his trap.

"I'm actually planning on a box out, the box is there but I haven't done it yet, and just put a tracking device in so you can capture where they're going," Weyn told the news station.

Some online have suggested he should stuff it with coal.

[H/T: Reddit]

Album Tracks from 2013 That Sound Sorta Like Fleetwood Mac, Ranked

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Album Tracks from 2013 That Sound Sorta Like Fleetwood Mac, Ranked

Eight tracks, from albums released in 2013, that sound kinda like Fleetwood Mac, ranked.

8. "On the Wings of a Bug," Borrowed Beams of Light

Sounds like: Lindsey

7. "I Was a Fool," Tegan & Sara

Sounds like: Stevie

6. "Embers," Lover Lover

Sounds like: Stevie

5. "Hanging Gardens," Classixx

Sounds like: Stevie

4. "Wings," HAERTS

Sounds like: Stevie

3. "Canopy," the Cave Singers

Sounds like: Lindsey

2. "Honey & I," Haim

Sounds like: Christine

1. "Diamond," Lightning Dust

Sounds like: Lindsey/Stevie

[h/t Johnny Fever & ILM]

Breakdowns: The Girls Have Accomplished So Little In Four Years

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HBO has released another trailer for a criminally underrated show that you might not have had a chance to check out yet; Rich Kids who don't know how to read books are now getting their own book; Jon Hamm may not be a child-abandoning, Xenu-eschewing nutbag, but his newest trailer shows that he still ain't no Tom Cruise; Jennifer Lawrence continues her quiet campaign of world domination.

  • The second trailer for the new season of Girls is here, and Shoshanna says what we're all thinking "It's really amazing that all three of you have accomplished so little in the four years since college." Preach, sister. Preach. [YouTube]
  • The only thing set to be less watchable than Girls in 2014 was E!'s upcoming reality show, Rich Kids of Instagram, based on the worst Tumblr in existence with the same name. In case that only made you want to stab one eye out, feel free to sacrifice the other after erading this: there is going to be a Rich Kids of Instagram book. The creator promises that it will involve some semblance of words and sentences. Maybe. [The Daily Dot]
  • Jon Hamm attempts his finest Tom Cruise in the opening moments of the trailer for Disney's Million Dollar Arm, after he gets fired from his sports agency, which serves as the impetus to find himself via the most unlikely of clients. Also, Indians and stuff. [YouTube]
  • We have reached Jennifer Lawrence fever pitch, have we not? I get it, she's all wonderful, and normal, and eats burgers and loves butt plugs, but Associated Press' Entertainer of the Year being awarded to her seems like a desperate ploy for every reporter to just become her friend. Play it cool guys, play it cool. [EW]

Breakdowns is a daily roundup of all the news that wasn't interesting enough to deserve two paragraphs.


Ten Movies I Loved But Didn't Write About This Year

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Ten Movies I Loved But Didn't Write About This Year

Sometimes during the course of a year, pop cultural objects end up slipping through Gawker's cracks. Sometimes I see a movie late. Sometimes I don't have a whole review's worth of a response in me. Sometimes I need a minute to digest, and then once that minute passes, it feels like I'm too late. Sometimes it's really fucking hard to write about things you like, especially when they hit you on such a visceral level. "This is great" is not the most compelling argument.

Whatever the case, I missed out writing about quite a few movies that I saw and enjoyed this year, including the two movies I loved most this year, Nebraska and Blue Jasmine. This post is here to right that wrong. My favorite movies that I didn't get to write about are below and in order:

We're the Millers

Broad comedy and I usually do not get along, but something about this worked for me. As a low-rent stripper, Jennifer Aniston got to look hot a lot of the time, but because she was playing an undesirable (by Hollywood standards), there's still a lot of humility in the role. Jason Sudeikis also played a loser: a black-market pot dealer who's pushing 40. And Emma Roberts' spell on my heart intensifies every time I see her on screen (American Horror Story: Coven at last made me a full-blown believer). I thought the jokes in Millers worked more than not, especially this one below, which I think about all the time:

Stories We Tell

At some point early in Sarah Polley's documentary about her family (or really, about her discovering the true story of her paternity), her sister voices apprehension: she wonders who will care about their family. That sister underestimates the power of a juicy story (which this is) and the amplification of that power when it is told well (which this certainly is). Sensitive with potentially lurid material, this is a wonderful argument for the power of the personal story at a time when you can find one basically as easy as turning on a faucet (just open your web browser). Stories lost me slightly during the last 20 minutes when it turns meditative and openly struggles over what it all means. What it all means is Polley told a brilliant human story, and that's all it needs to mean.

The Way Way Back

In a year with several nice movies about nice teens coming into themselves nicely, this may have been the nicest. Liam James is exquisitely awkward as the young protagonist Duncan, and Sam Rockwell (as his water-park boss/mentor Owen) redefines what older buddy looks like. Really, this is a platonic rom-com about those two characters, subtly unlike anything I've seen before.

Test

I saw Chris Mason Johnson's Test as part of the gay-focused Newfest festival this year. It's about modern dancers in San Francisco in the mid-'80s, during the height of the plague years. The protagonist is increasingly concerned about contracting AIDS (I wonder what took him so long), and though the way he scours his body for Kaposi's sarcoma is outdated, that sort of self-directed body scrutiny never left gay culture—it's just done for other reasons now (say, vanity). Similarly, the troupe's choreographer's insistence that they "dance like men," is an interesting echo of the anxiety over and preoccupation with masculinity among many gay men. Test is a quiet, subdued movie but I thought it did a great job of making something specific universal.

Maniac

Franck Khalfoun's remake of William Lustig's 1980 slasher Maniac spun grindhouse into gold. This is the most beautifully composed slasher I've seen since the original Halloween. It's POV (but not found footage), so you're looking through the killer's eyes almost the entire time (sometimes he becomes unhinged and leaves himself, as it were). The tight, brutal stabbings are right in your face, implicitly questioning what you're seeking and finding as entertainment in a more elegant, less contentious way than Michael Haneke's similarly probing Funny Games. Elijah Wood impressively pulls off the titular role (though his voice over work is frenzied to the point of camp at times). And thank god Alexandre Aja and Grégory Levasseur (High Tension, The Hills Have Eyes remake) carried over the delightfully insane mannequin-collecting subplot, because it's as hilarious as it is creepy.

Monsters University

I do not understand the hate for this one. I thought the jokes were clever and they didn't pander. I like the college-movie (Animal House, Revenge of the Nerds) parody format. But what I love most about Monsters U is that it's a movie that tells kids, "You're not going to be good at everything, so get the fuck over yourself, stop wasting time, and find what you're actually good at." Real talk.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

The first movie looked cheap; this one actually looked like it could be the future. Susan Collins' second book was tedious up until the games, but this movie managed to tease out all that was interesting in that boring slog across Panem. Catching Fire showed and made understandable all that was told in the book and expected for you to just swallow–finally, I actually see the real dilemma of Katniss' inevitable choice between Peeta and Gale (in the book, I just had to accept that it was a dilemma). It's a joy to watch Jennifer Lawrence here, absolutely at the top of her game. The trek through Panem was like her Blonde Ambition Tour. (By the way, I enjoyed watching her in this, hesitating and expressing through flashing her eyes, more than I did watching her sloppy game of dress-up in American Hustle.)

The Act of Killing

We decided not to run a Q&A I'd done with The Act of Killing director Joshua Oppenheimer, since Adrian Chen's excellent piece on the film made many of the same points. But I still need to say: This movie, in which Oppenheimer has Anwar Congo recreate killings he performed in Indonesia's anti-communist purge in the mid-60s, was the most harrowing thing I watched all year. Here's is the part of my exchange with Oppenheimer regarding his own contribution to cinema of death (even if it's for a better cause than, say, a slasher flick):

Gawker: Do you have an opinion about this movie being conversant with the way death is depicted on film beyond the movie's references to John Wayne or Marlon Brando? Death is such a commodity in movies that Hollywood makes it breezy, whereas something like Amour and especially something like this, are vehicles to more accurately transmit the emotional weight of death.

Oppenheimer: I think that's a really beautiful point. I think it would be dishonest to say that I, as a filmmaker, or audience members don't come into this film tantalized by the process of seeing death. Human beings enjoy seeing people get hurt, when people get beaten up in the playground, people come around and scream, "Fight, fight, fight." I don't think other species do that. That's an unfortunate thing. I don't know if it's just human, it's also cultural. But I think that, we pay to see people get their heads blown off and as you say it makes horror movies breezy. [The Act of Killing] questions that fascination and implicates me and the viewer and Anwar and the whole Indonesian society in this commidifaction of death, for lack of a better word, the fetishization of death, and then asks us what are the real stakes of death and what does it really mean to kill.

Nebraska

From what I've been reading, this is regarded as lesser Alexander Payne, but there is no better Payne than this to me. It's a movie that fully expresses how awesome and hilarious old people are without ever condescending to them (at one point, some characters watch this movie's spiritual predecessor, Golden Girls). All of the acting is terrific (and I say this as someone who has actively disliked Will Forte for most of his career). I love that it ultimately has a Wizard of Oz structure: What happens at the end technically could have happened in the beginning, but then the characters needed to be given time for their compassion to flourish. A gorgeous movie, inside and out.

Blue Jasmine

When was the last time Woody Allen was so quotable? Bullets Over Broadway? Hannah and Her Sisters? Annie Hall? Maybe never, even. Everyone here, especially Cate Blanchett and Sally Hawkins, are up to the script's challenge. I think this movie is ultimately an indictment of Real Housewives-consuming culture. It openly wonders what we're really laughing at when we're laughing at that stuff. Watching Blanchett slide from hilariously, eye-rollingly snooty to horribly, desperately sad in mere seconds, over the course of what felt like dozens of scenes, was never less than devastating.

And for good measure, here are links to ten movies that I like a lot and did write about:

The Biggest Dick Moves of Silicon Valley 2013

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The Biggest Dick Moves of Silicon Valley 2013

Although we try to focus on the positive, innovative—and dare we say revolutionary?—moments in tech here at Valleywag, the startup world isn't without its occasional bad eggs. It's a shame this crowd had to tarnish an otherwise lovely community—here are the worst bad actors of an otherwise golden year.

Sean Parker got married. But unlike most nuptials, the Facebook billionaire insisted upon a decadent, ecosystem-damaging, fantasy-themed romp in the woods, and then paid his way out of the consequences. Of course, the only person who can top Sean Parker is Sean Parker: as a followup, he proceeded to throw a public internet tantrum about the so-strange backlash to his ceremony, and made his wife miss their honeymoon while he penned a 10,000 word psychotic screed for TechCrunch.

Dick victims: His wife, his guests, trees, the internet.

Next year: It looks like Parker finally learned to shut up—if he's smart, expect his low profile to extend into 2014.

Tim Armstrong humiliated and fired a coworker on a conference call. If you're going to be a terrible boss, be a terrible boss in relative privacy.

Dick victims: Fired employee Abel Lenz, the corporate morale at AOL

Next year: Armstrong will likely have to fire a lot more people, without the time to add such a lovely personal touch.

Larry Ellison cheated in the America's Cup, and then won the America's Cup. One of Earth's richest men continued his perfect James Bond villain routine, with a likability index that is approaching absolute zero.

Dick victims: The city of San Francisco, other extremely rich competitive yacht team owners.

Next year: I don't know how you top this. Drop sharks onto the sailboats out of airplanes? Pave over his private Hawaiian island and use it as a paintball arena? He'll surely find a way.

Pax Dickinson wrote this year's most impressive streak of bigoted and sexist tweets. He very quickly lost his job as CTO of Business Insider, but not before becoming a martyr for the ever-growing Twitter Bigot Movement, with plenty of support from the "manosphere" populated by libertarian pick-up artists.

Dick victims: Pax Dickinson. Business Insider job listings that listed Pax as the hiring manager.

Next year: "Snapchat for adults"

Paul Graham used his influence on the Silicon Valley ecosystem to argue that there is a "One quality that's a really bad indication is a CEO with a strong foreign accent" over and over and over again in public. Graham brushed off pleas that he recognize his underlying bias, but instead he hid under the banner of "empirical evidence," even though there haven't been enough foreign CEOs admitted into Y Combinator for anything approaching statistical significance.

Dick victims: Foreign founders. The caliber of YC companies. People seeking funding that don't follow Graham's rule: "I can be tricked by anyone who looks like Mark Zuckerberg."

Next year: Same as it ever was.

Jesse Thomas posted videos and photographs of another startup founder drunk and naked during a "Geeks on a Plane" trip to India sponsored by Google and Paypal from his company's Instagram account. Thomas got a taste of his own medicine when a vile email he sent to his cofounder and then girlfriend surfaced as his agency, JESS3, imploded around him.

Dick victims: The naked founder. His company and its hard-working employees.

Next year: Taking down all those JESS3 stickers.

Patrick McConlogue used a homeless human being to self-promote an otherwise middling existence as a New York programmer. He also successfully propagated the notion that coding can solve homelessness—to the great applause of coders, and the chagrin of anyone who is or might be homeless.

Dick victims: Marginalized portions of western society.

Next year: Ending racism by teaching a Latino teen to mine BitCoins.

Greg Gopman continued the year's trend of social media self-immolation by raging against San Francisco's homeless population via Facebook. A good #lifehack is to keep hideous, backwards opinions to yourself, or at least restrict them to a small portion of your web friends using Facebook's handy and intuitive privacy settings.

Dick victims: Greg Gopman.

Next year: Trying to hide his face outside a homeless shelter.

Evan Spiegel made Hollywood producers—eager for the next startup intrigue screenplay—begin to drool. His colossal, shameless screwing-over of his former Snapchat frat brother and business partner is well-documented. You'd think a guy in a position to turn down billions of dollars would have a little empathy.

Dick victims: Reggie Brown, Evan Spiegel's legal team.

Next year: Settling out of court.

Sheryl Sandberg tried to hire an intern for Lean In without paying them. The editorial director for Sandberg's top-down feminist movement later claimed the unpaid labor was for her and not Lean In. But it served as stark reminder that Sandberg's exultation of labor "whether paid, unpaid, or poorly paid," benefits the top of the pyramid more than the bottom.

Dick victims: Young women wondering whether it's okay to ask to get paid for their work.

Next year: Prep work for Sandberg, 2016

Travis Kalanick instituted surge pricing as high as 8x in the middle of a December snow storm and then laughed at customers who complained. Kalanick is within his rights as the Ayn Rand of the convenience economy to gouge riders. But while he continually claims the goal is the maximize the number of rides, in the midst of public outcry, Kalanick himself admitted, "very very few people accept high multiples," in response to this tweet. Immediately after he said "I wish I could take that one back."

Dick victims: Jessica Seinfeld.

Next year: Trying to make sure he doesn't get Dick Costolo'd before Uber's IPO.

Happy holidays and a disruptive, paradigm-shifting New Year to all of the above—we look forward to 2014! If we missed anyone, drop 'em below in the comments.

The One Weird Trick to Getting Free McDonald's at the Drive Thru

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The bros at "stunt comedy troupe" Children of Poseidon say their latest "prank" is a "foolproof trick" to getting "free" McDonald's food from the drive thru every time.

Step 1: Steal the food.

Pranks!

[H/T: Guyism]

Teen Girl Shot, Killed by Stepdad While Trying to Sneak Back Into House

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Teen Girl Shot, Killed by Stepdad While Trying to Sneak Back Into House

A teenage girl from Colorado Springs was shot and killed by her stepfather early this morning after being mistaken for a home invader.

The unidentified 14-year-old was apparently attempting to sneak back into her house after a night out when she was shot by her stepdad.

Local police say the man called 911 around 6 a.m. to report a burglary in progress. Officers responding to the scene found the injured teen in the basement.

She had sustained a gunshot wound to the chest. Scanner traffic suggests she may have also been shot in the stomach.

Emergency services rushed the victim to a nearby hospital, where she was later pronounced dead.

No arrests have been made at this time, and both the CSPD's Violent Crimes Unit and the District Attorney's office are continuing their investigations.

[screengrab via KOAA]

Sandwich Shop Owner to Employees: Merry Christmas, You're All Fired

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Sandwich Shop Owner to Employees: Merry Christmas, You're All Fired

'Twas the weekend before Christmas, and all through the Snarf's Sandwich Shop in Chicago, not a creature was stirring — because management sent out an email on Sunday firing all the employees.

Due to "increased competition," the store's director of operations decided that the best way to gain traction in Chicago's sandwich industry would be to give Snarf's twenty food assemblers one day's notice that, "Merry Christmas, you have no job."

Sandwich Shop Owner to Employees: Merry Christmas, You're All Fired

A spokesperson for the store said the essential remodel would allow for the addition of a "burger concept," which has absolutely nothing to do with Snarf's employees protesting for higher wages just a few weeks before. As a result of the strike, the restaurant shut down for four days.

“During the Christmas holiday we’re pretty slow,” director of marketing and current jobholder Jill Preston told the Chicago Grid. “The restaurant’s usually three quarters closed. This does happen to coincide, but this is something we’ve had planned for awhile.”

She did not explain why the employees received one day's notice about "something we've had planned for awhile."

[images via Twitter and Shutterstock]

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