It's been a rough week for Subway.

First, they were accused of shorting customers on sandwich length by cutting precious inches of their signature footlong subs.

Then they went and made things worse by claiming that "footlong" is just a registered trademark and "not intended to be a measurement of length."

Lastly, they had a lawsuit filed against them by two hungry men from New Jersey who demand Subway make good on the promise of exactly one foot of food.

Today, the company finally caved in and released an official statement from their homebase in Connecticut, apologizing for the size discrepancy and confirming for once and for all that a footlong Subway sandwich is indeed supposed to be 12 inches in length.

The full statement follows, via Eater:

For 47 years, customer satisfaction has been our top priority. We regret any instance where we did not fully deliver on our promise to our customers. We freshly bake our bread throughout the day in our more than 38,000 restaurants in 100 countries worldwide, and we have redoubled our efforts to ensure consistency and correct length in every sandwich we serve. Our commitment remains steadfast to ensure that every SUBWAY® Footlong sandwich is 12 inches at each location worldwide.

It's unclear what effect, if any, this announcement will have on the lawsuit, but seeing as those Jersey boys probably care about the damages more than an extra bit of bread, chances are it will go on until rightly tossed out as frivolous.

[photo via Facebook]

When the video of a guy talking about filming a naked "gorilla" man is as entertaining as the video of the naked "gorilla" man itself, that's how you know you're in Philadelphia, city of stars, cast of lunatics.

This past November, a naked man ran into the middle of a Philadelphia intersection and catapulted himself onto the front of a public bus. Perched on its metal bike rack, he put his boxers on his head. He peered into the bus' front window. He flopped his penis gently at the passengers inside. Classic Philly stuff.

The incident was captured via cellphone by a barber who works at the intersection. Here's how Lou Luciano, of Elvin's Major League Barbershop on Kensington and Tioga described the display to Philadelphia's NBC 10:

"So [the naked man] jumps on the SEPTA bus and he's going all crazy like a gorilla. So then he starts chaging me—of course I start running because I'm not gonna be chased by no crazy man."

Yes, after the man climbed down off of the bus, Luciano wandered into traffic to continue filming him because Philadelphia has no rules.

So the man started chasing him.

Luciano's whoops of delight quickly morphed into shrieks of terror as the man gave chase, moving with terrifyingly speed and agility for someone not wearing shoes.

Then, as abruptly as he started following Luciano, the man stopped.

Asked why he chose to film the perhaps unstable completely naked man running through his neighborhood, Luciano told reporters:

"Whaaaaaaat, you think I'm gonna miss that?"

He also had some sound advice for...himself? The naked man? We'll say Philly in general:

"Just put reality on the corner on the opposite side of craziness."

God bless you, Lou Luciano.

And God bless Philly.

[via YouTube // NBC 10]

Hollywood's most famous former child star Shirley Temple Black (sorry Jackie Coogan!) has been keeping a very low profile since serving as the United States Ambassador to Czechoslovakia under President George H. W. Bush.

But this week the curly-topped virgin cocktail eponym made a sudden reappearance on Twitter of all places.

Though her account is presently unverified, it appears to have been confirmed by several people in the know, including fellow silver screen legend Dick Van Dyke with whom Temple had a fairly surreal Twitter exchange.

With direct access to one of most iconic thespians to ever pose for celluloid during Hollywood's Golden Age, the thoughts of Twitter users immediately turned to a single question: What does Shirley Temple think of America's latest little sweetheart, Honey Boo Boo.

"i have been asked what i think of 'honey boo,'" the 84-year-old replied. "Can someone tell me who that is~"

Canadian supermodel Coco Rocha later revealed herself to be the source of the Honey Boo Boo question.

"I can't believe I tweeted at Shirley Temple about Honey Boo Boo this morning. #Yolo," Rocha tweeted.

And I can't wait until Shirley Temple uses the hashtag #Yolo.

[photo via AP, macro via Twitter]

A likely terrified, apparently bleeding dolphin is stranded in the Gowanus Canal — the polluted Superfund site/former Mafia dumping ground running through central Brooklyn. Authorities and dolphin experts are on-scene, but no rescue operation can be attempted until for high tide — at 7 p.m.

NBC New York has stopped its live feed, but the AP has photos:

And Awl contributor Dave Bry is live at the scene, and it doesn't sound great:

And Gothamist has an eyewitness report:

Emilie Ruscoe is at the scene for Gothamist, and she tells us there are ambulances and some cops at the canal currently. "The dolphin is surfacing to breathe really irregularly and its breathing sounds shallow," she says, adding that the water is so murky "you can't see it when it's more than a foot below the surface."

The Gowanus is heavily polluted, but, as nearby residents are fond of pointing out, it's still full of marine life. In 2003, a harp seal survived a similar incident; on the other hand, in 2007, a minke whale disoriented by a storm became stranded and died. Dolphins breathe air, but having an open wound in water like that can't be good.

There are already, sadly, at least three "Gowanus Dolphin" parody accounts that I will not link to so as not to encourage such behavior. For those of you interested in the future of media technology, NBC has also, for whatever reason, already made a "Vine" out of it.

In 1992, KRS-One famously threw P.M. Dawn off the stage at a show in New York. In 2013, here is KRS-One sitting pensively on the beach in a flowing, billowy white garment, discussing politics as the wind whispers gently through his hair.

Can't we all just get along?

[Vlad TV]

Recently, the New York Observer uncovered a new problem plaguing rich people: their giant homes are simply too big.

Lord, hear their prayer:

• "We have a living room and two guest bedrooms that we never use."
• "Especially as people get older, they tend to just use the first three floors."
• "The kids go to boarding school, and the parents end up living in the kitchen, the dining room and the den."
• "We have a client in Carroll Gardens who is very concerned with how many footsteps it will take to go from the garden to the top level."
• He laughed, admitting that his 4,500-square foot house was, in fact, a little large for his family of four.
• "I realized I hadn't been up to my library in six months."
• "My wife pointed out that neither of us had been to the parlor in the last three [months]."
• "I haven't been [to that floor of my house] in a couple of years."
• "Prized possessions, like a beloved boat sculpture, were stranded in neglected corners."
• "And the only person who goes to the sixth floor is the maid."

• Rich people: they're just like us. (They're drunk all the time and they say crazy things.)

  [NY Observer // Image via Shutterstock]

A short hop from Izmir to Istanbul became an interminable nightmare for 114 passengers when one of the engines on their Turkish Airline plane suddenly caught fire after being struck by lightning.

Making matters even worse, the plane had just hit a patch of rough sky and was experiencing severe turbulence.

Footage of the entire harrowing ordeal, captured on camera by passenger Bertan Atay, shows a surprising lack of panic among those seated in the main cabin.

Happily, the engine's fire-extinguishing gear was not damaged by the lightning, and the pilot was able to control the flame and bring the plane in for an emergency landing.

According to the airline, none of the passengers were hurt.

For additional perspective, this is what it looked like from the ground:

As all schoolchildren know, the Firsteenth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution reads, "No law passed by the federal government may be enforced UNLESS it is cool with a bunch of sheriffs of rural counties." Leave it to the NObama administration to flagrantly ignore this Divine Right of Random Sheriffs to Decide About the Legality All Laws Based on Just Whatever Pops Into Their Heads.

The WSJ notes the important ongoing legal work of the Constitutional Sheriffs and Peace Officers Association, which amounts to a collection of dozens of county sheriffs publicly declaring that they won't enforce the Obama administration's new gun laws, should they pass. Because that's what good sheriffs do: unilaterally decide what is and is not constitutional, based upon their constitutional law degrees close reading of FoxNation.com. (Not to imply that that's all they do—they also pose for terrifying pictures in the WSJ.) Here's the group's rallying cry, from retired sheriff and Martian legal scholar Richard Mack:

Mack to Obama, "you have no authority to tell me what kind of gun I can own, how big of a clip I can own, or even that I have to go through your stupid background checks. I'll own whatever kind of gun I want, and it's NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!"

The U.S. president has no power to sign laws that would regulate the behavior of sheriffs. That is what the U.S. Constitution says. Look it up Take our word for it.

[WSJ. Pic via]

Political Media, the right-wing organization behind last weekend's "Gun Appreciation Day," which ultimately resulted in several accidental shootings, has reportedly decided to branch out in an effort to attract more blacks to its cause. The plan? "What Would Django Do?": a campaign that asks black people to look to the heavily armed and ceaselessly murderous hero from Quentin Tarantino's latest film when considering purchasing a firearm.

"We'll make sure we aren't violating copyrights, and if we are, we'll have to change the name," Larry Ward, president of Political Media, told The Hollywood Reporter. "But Django is perfect for what we're trying to do, which is to promote gun rights to minorities."

I'm not sure if Ward, who is white, has seen the movie that now animates his new project, but from the way he's speaking, it seems as if he hasn't. It's not really a spoiler alert to say that Django Unchained is most memorable for the fact that its titular character slaughters nearly every white person he sees—armed or unarmed, male or female—and with relish. What would Django do in modern society? I'm not completely sure, but I think it's unlikely he'd align himself with a right-wing gun nut like Larry Ward, who has claimed that our black president is out to "gut" the First and Second Amendments. But, hey, if what the conservative movement in America wants is a black community with a ton of guns and the temperament of a vengeful ex-slave, who are we to tell them no? You do you, guys. Just remember that you asked for it.

After being alerted by a reporter for WABC's Eyewitness News to the peril of a shivering pooch that had apparently been stranded outside by its owner on a bitterly cold night in Newark, Mayor Cory Booker responded by heading out into the cold to personally rescue the chilly dog from certain doom.

After arriving at the scene, Booker, followed closely by a police car, kept the dog sheltered and phoned the dog's owner to get some answers.

"This is brutal weather, this dog is shaking really bad and you just can't leave your dogs out here on a day like this and go away and expect them to be ok," the mayor told Eyewitness News.

It was later revealed that Cha Cha's owner was away in Queens and was unaware that his dog had been wandering around outside.

He thanked the mayor for saving the animal, and Booker in turn thanked reporter Toni Yates for reaching out to him.

Concerning Booker's predilection for doing good deeds, one Farker made a rather astute observation:

Cory Booker conquered ice when he saved the dog from the freezing cold.
Cory Booker conquered fire when he saved a woman from a burning home.
Cory Booker conquered wind when he gave people shelter, delivered food, diapers, and blankets during Sandy.

I'm guessing there's an earthquake in Newark's not-to-distant future.

[screengrab via WABC]

Kanye West's twitter account has just erupted like a geyser, spewing streams of single words into the atmosphere.

Is he having some sort of fit? Is he making a list of all the words he knows, for future reference? Is he designing an emotional car?

Guesses in the comments.

Previously in Kanye West's Twitter Adventures: Kanye West Now Writing Twitter Fan Fic in Which He and Kim Are Members of the Knowles-Carter Family

[Twitter // Image via Getty]

The teenage daughter of a Minnesota man is accusing him of a pointing an AK-47 at her because she brought home a disappointing report card.

Kirill Bartashevitch, 52, of St. Paul was arrested and charged with two counts of felony terroristic threats for allegedly threatening his daughter and wife with an assault rifle.

Police say Bartashevitch recently purchased the weapons because he was concerned that President Obama was planning to ban them.

The incident report states that on Sunday January 13th, Bartashevitch and his daughter got into an argument after the 15-year-old received two B's instead of two A's. The victim told a social worker that she swore at Bartashevitch and told him she "hated" him, causing him to snap.

Bartashevitch subsequently pointed one of his newly purchased rifles at his daughter, prompting his wife to stand in the line of fire. He pushed her down and then pointed the rifle at her as well.

Upon his arrest, Bartashevitch reportedly confessed to the crime, telling police he knew the weapon wasn't loaded because he checked the rifle's chamber before training it on his loved ones.

Receipts found at his house show that Bartashevitch sold the rifles to two local gun shops the following week.

Bartasevitch remains in jail today after his bail was set at $20,000. If convicted he faces an addition five years behind bars.

[mug shot via MyFoxTwinCities]

You may know Keith Rabois as one of the first employees of PayPal, a good friend of venture capitalist and tech god Peter Thiel, and a member of the "PayPal Mafia," a group of former PayPal higher-ups who went on to fundamentally shape the way Silicon Valley does business. Rabois is now the COO of the multibillion-dollar startup Square, or, at least he was until yesterday, when he resigned before publishing a grand open letter partially confessing to misdeeds related to an imprudent sex scandal.

In his letter, posted to his personal Tumblr account, Rabois doesn't provide many details about what exactly he's being accused of, but it seems the gist is that a lover of his who worked outside of his purview at Square is now accusing him of sexual harassment—and looking for a hefty out-of-court settlement. Rabois admits that he did have an interoffice relationship with a male employee at Square, which he calls "poor judgment," but he also claims that the affair was completely mutual.

Here is the letter in full:

Yesterday I resigned from Square, and I want to take the opportunity to explain to you why.

The past few days have been the toughest, saddest, most frightening, and emotionally draining of my life. They have deeply affected me, both personally and professionally.

In May 2010, I met someone via mutual friends. With increasing frequency, we hung out, drank wine, and I helped prepare him for interviews with tech startups. As our friendship deepened, we spent more time together, and our relationship became physical. We regularly worked out at the gym, occasionally hung out at my home, and exchanged intimate, personal information, as people in similar relationships often do.

Several months after our relationship began, I recommended that he interview at Square. He went through the interview process and was ultimately hired. I had no impact on his potential success at the company. At no point did he ever report directly to me, and I have seen his work product less than a handful of times.

Last week, a New York-based attorney threatened Square and myself with a lawsuit. I am told this lawsuit would allege that the relationship was not consensual, and would go on to accuse me of some pretty horrible things. I was told that only a payment of millions of dollars will make this go away, and that my career, my reputation, and my livelihood will be threatened if Square and I don't pay up.

I realize that continuing any physical relationship after he began working at Square was poor judgment on my part. But let me be unequivocal with the facts: (1) The relationship was welcome. (2) Square did not know of the relationship before a lawsuit was threatened; it came as a complete surprise to the company. (3) He never received nor was denied any reward or benefits based on our relationship. And (4), I did not do the horrendous things I am told I may be accused of. While I have certainly made mistakes, this threat feels like a shakedown, and I will defend myself to the full extent of the law.

I decided to resign from Square so my colleagues could continue to do great work without the distraction that a lawsuit would most certainly bring. I deeply regret that I let my personal and professional lives to become intertwined, and I apologize to my colleagues and friends (at Square and elsewhere) who I've let down, and who will bear the brunt of some of the unnecessary, negative attention this situation will likely bring.

I am already working on something new and hope to announce that in February.

If this is purely a money grab, as Rabois' counter-charges say, chances are he could have afforded to pay: Besides his PayPal money, Square, a mobile payments company, was valued at $3.25 billion late last year.

People in the know about Rabois' history might find it funny that he's now entangled in a gay affair. In 1992, while a student at Stanford law school, where he initially met Thiel, Rabois stood in front of an instructor's home and shouted, "Faggot! Hope you die of AIDS!" and "Can't wait until you die, faggot!" Rabois and others would later characterize his slurs as an exercise in free speech, but, nevertheless, Rabois was run out of Stanford and forced to finish his JD at Harvard.

A fish shape appeared on Paumanok on Friday morning, carried in on high tide. A dolphin: It had started from the sea and made its way into Brooklyn from without, working along the wood and concrete embankments toward the river head, and by mid-morning it was paused by one of Gowanus's empty lots, surfacing and plunging out of and in to the mucoid black. A gathering crowd of locals and police watched it from the shore; it was hyperventilating and bleeding from its fin. Biologists from the Riverhead Foundation arrived. The next high tide wouldn't be until 7 p.m.

Snow began to fall. At 5:30 it found itself breached on concrete piling, wedged next to a rock under the Union bridge, and stopped moving. "Myself & an ecologist were there at the moment the dolphin died. He cried out," Aaron Stewart-Ahn wrote. "Police put up tape."

"Fish-shape Paumanok" is what Walt Whitman called Long Island, borrowing a Native American name. It was, he wrote in "Starting from Paumanok," "where I was born/Well-begotten, and rais'd by a perfect mother." Nine years after he wrote those words, a small waterway, located in a tidal inlet at the far west side of Long Island in the city of Brooklyn, was dredged and deepened and turned into a canal. It was up this canal that the brownstone that built Park Slope and Carroll Gardens was carried, and around it that Brooklyn's industry thrived: factories, warehouses, refineries, all using the canal as both a thoroughfare and a dump site. Within a half-century, Brooklyn had become a borough and Gowanus had become "almost solid" — filled with thick coal tar and sewage, and infested with microbes.

The sewage and microbes and filth and disease in the canal prevented quicker action when the dolphin was found, but it was likely doomed anyway, weak and bleeding, unable to find its way out of the sick and milky cul-de-sac. Gowanus itself is maybe not so doomed. In the 100 years since, it has gotten cleaner, then less clean, then more clean; Brooklyn has got safer, then less safe, then more safe; richer, then less rich, then more rich.

Still, some things never change. In 2007, a whale found its way up the canal and spent two days swimming before dying in the water; 55 years before that, a shark entered the Gowanus and was shot by the police. And sixty years before the shark, 115 years before the whale, 120 years before the dolphin, Walt Whitman lay dying, his lungs infected and filled with a viscous fluid. He was in Camden, maybe 120 miles from where he started on fish-shaped Paumanock.

We'll probably never know where the dolphin was born, or how far it swam before it died. Very few of us really ever get that far from where we start. Many of us spend our lives mistakenly struggling through syrup and tar, directionless, weak, terrified, mutely appealing to unrecognizable shoredwellers. But some can still reach the open sea. Whitman had completed, the year before, a final edition of Leaves of Grass, in which "Starting from Paumanok" appears. "Was somebody asking to see the soul?" the poem asks.

See, your own shape and countenance, persons, substances, beasts,
the trees, the running rivers, the rocks and sands.

All hold spiritual joys and afterwards loosen them;
How can the real body ever die and be buried?

[image by Jim Cooke]

Perhaps you've heard the Democratic Party — fresh off an electoral landslide in 2012 — has set its sights on a new goal: turning Texas into the nation's biggest swing state. Yes, gun-toting, secession-threatening Texas. But don't spit-take your kombucha just yet, because it's a completely feasible idea; here's why.

This week Politico reported Democrats were creating an organization called Battleground Texas aimed at getting traditionally Democratic minorities more engaged in the political process. It's understandable why it sounds ridiculous; Texas and its obscene 38 electoral votes have been red as a beet for years.

The key to the Democrats' success in Texas, however, is the minority vote (which is, ironically, the majority in Texas). Organizers behind Battleground Texas understand turning the Lone Star State blue could take years, saying "there's a realistic view that that will take more than one cycle." In fact, the state is seen as such a lock for the Republicans no exit polls were even conducted there in 2012. But, for several reasons, Battleground Texas' mission is completely feasible.

The Hispanic population in Texas is underrepresented politically. Spending money and time getting them more involved would have enormous consequences on the GOP's stranglehold. According to the 2010 Census, about 38 percent of Texans identify themselves as Hispanic or Latino, while only 45 percent of the state is white non-Hispanic. However, using exit polls from 2008, only 20 percent of voters are Latino. This unrepresented 18 percent of the population is about 4,526,200 people. Granted, many of those 4 millon are likely ineligible to vote, but even a third of those people are enough to overpower the 1,261,719 votes Mitt Romney won Texas by in 2012.

What's more, the Hispanic population in Texas (just like the rest of the country) is growing much faster than the white population—up nearly 42 percent from 2000 to 2010.

This is to say nothing of the fact that Barack Obama managed to pull 41 percent of the vote in 2012 by essentially ignoring the state. Obama made a stop in Texas on Aug. 31, but this was to commemorate the anniversary of the end of combat in Iraq and was hardly a campaign stop. Obama visited Ft. Bliss, an Army camp located on Texas' border with New Mexico (a blue state in 2012) in El Paso County. Sixty-six percent of El Paso County residents voted for the President in 2012. Obama also stopped by San Antonio, another heavily blue area, in July. Were a candidate to pay more attention to Texas, he/she would feasibly garner more support there as well.

It is also of note that Barack Obama was not Texas' choice for the Democratic Party's nomination in 2008. Hillary Clinton won that primary. Should she choose to run in 2016, the combination of greater funding due to Battleground Texas, her higher popularity and a higher minority population could just be enough to tip the scale.

In fact, the blue-shift has already begun in Texas. Of the states' ten largest cities, only Fort Worth has a Republican mayor (the mayors of Arlington, Plano and Corpus Christi are non-partisan). San Antonio's mayor, Julian Castro, spoke at last year's Democratic National Convention and is generally regarded as a rising star within the Democratic Party.

As Houston's Democratic Mayor Annise Parker tells Politico, there's another reason Texas could soon find itself up for grabs. The Republican Party:

"Do I think we're going to turn Texas in two years? Probably not. Do I think we can turn Texas in four years? Absolutely, because I think the Republican Party in Texas is going to drive itself off a cliff," Parker said. "You hear Republicans with rhetoric, literally talking about the jack-booted thugs coming and taking guns out of people's homes, going door to door. You have legislators who will file, once again, virulently anti-immigrant legislation in the state House."

As the Republican Party continues to do itself no favors, the Democratic Party more and more aligns itself with the diverse population that is the face of modern America.

But the number one reason Democrats have a shot grabbing up Texas? The Republicans think they don't.

"The more money they spend on [Battleground Texas], the better it is for Texas and the taxpayers of Texas, because it will basically lead to continued conservative dominance of the state. There's a reason voters are low-propensity voters. They don't vote," [Republican strategist Dave] Carney said. "It's their message that hurts [Democrats]. It's their inability to articulate a message that the vast majority of Texas voters agree with."

Republicans are content to sit back and ignore Democrats as they chip at the wall, little by little.

As mentioned before, Texas carries a ridiculous 38 electoral votes. That's a full 14 percent of the 270 needed to win. Added to Democratic strongholds New York and California, a Democratic candidate who carries Texas starts with 122 electoral votes, and practically guarantees a win. It may cost a lot, and it may take time, but it's worth well-worth both.

Here we find ourselves, the end of another week. If you think about it, knowing you'll never again live the week of January 20-26, 2012 can be a little melancholy. Then again, it was the coldest week in 17 years here in New York, so fuck this week.

That said, both of my cousins have birthdays this weekend so I'd like to give them a very special shout... haha just kidding, they aren't reading this.

To the emails, shall we?

I'll only say this once, Canadians. The more you bitch and moan aboot us teasing you, the more fun it is to tease you. You should apologize to yourselves.

Subj: Urgent

Hello, I recently saw an article of yours by Caity Weaver about the Canadian $20 bill. I am highly offended by it. The 'jokes' about my country were uncalled for. What did we do to you to deserve the absolute rudeness expressed in that article? I demand an apology from not only you, but from Caity Weaver personally!

-Daniel

Lots of hate over George Saunders too.

That's pretty much all I have to say about that because books are so booooooooring.

[Image by Jim Cooke]

The website belonging to the United States Sentencing Commission is down this morning, following a hack by Anonymous overnight. The site, which normally bears information about sentencing guidelines for federal crimes, instead showed a nearly 10 minute long YouTube video and the same message typed below it.

The hacktivist collective claims its takedown of the site belonging to the U.S. Department of Justice is in response to the suicide of Reddit programmer Aaron Swartz. At the time of his death, Swartz faced up to 35 years in prison on federal computer fraud charges. According to Anonymous, Swartz was "killed" and a "line was crossed":

Two weeks ago today, a line was crossed. Two weeks ago today, Aaron Swartz was killed. Killed because he faced an impossible choice. Killed because he was forced into playing a game he could not win — a twisted and distorted perversion of justice — a game where the only winning move was not to play.

Anonymous immediately convened an emergency council to discuss our response to this tragedy. After much heavy-hearted discussion, the decision was upheld to engage the United States Department of Justice and its associated executive branches in a game of a similar nature, a game in which the only winning move is not to play.

The "game" involves releasing a file ("warhead") containing sensitive information about the Justice Department. What that information is, Anonymous isn't saying.

The contents are various and we won't ruin the speculation by revealing them. Suffice it to say, everyone has secrets, and some things are not meant to be public. At a regular interval commencing today, we will choose one media outlet and supply them with heavily redacted partial contents of the file. Any media outlets wishing to be eligible for this program must include within their reporting a means of secure communications.

The hacked site also contained links to "warheads" named after each of the Supreme Court justices, each links to a website containing a 503 service unavailable error message, meaning the server is for some reason unavailable.

If you're interested, here's the full text of Anonymous' message:

Citizens of the world,

Anonymous has observed for some time now the trajectory of justice in the United States with growing concern. We have marked the departure of this system from the noble ideals in which it was born and enshrined. We have seen the erosion of due process, the dilution of constitutional rights, the usurpation of the rightful authority of courts by the "discretion" of prosecutors. We have seen how the law is wielded less and less to uphold justice, and more and more to exercise control, authority and power in the interests of oppression or personal gain.

We have been watching, and waiting.

Two weeks ago today, a line was crossed. Two weeks ago today, Aaron Swartz was killed. Killed because he faced an impossible choice. Killed because he was forced into playing a game he could not win — a twisted and distorted perversion of justice — a game where the only winning move was not to play.

Anonymous immediately convened an emergency council to discuss our response to this tragedy. After much heavy-hearted discussion, the decision was upheld to engage the United States Department of Justice and its associated executive branches in a game of a similar nature, a game in which the only winning move is not to play.

Last year the Federal Bureau of Investigation revelled in porcine glee at its successful infiltration of certain elements of Anonymous. This infiltration was achieved through the use of the *same tactics which lead to Aaron Swartz' death. It would not have been possible were it not for the power of federal prosecutors to thoroughly destroy the lives of any hacktivists they apprehend through the very real threat of highly disproportionate sentencing.

As a result of the FBI's infiltration and entrapment tactics, several more of our brethren now face similar disproportionate persecution, the balance of their lives hanging on the severely skewed scales of a broken justice system.

We have felt within our hearts a burning rage in reaction to these events, but we have not allowed ourselves to be drawn into a foolish and premature response. We have bidden our time, operating in the shadows, adapting our tactics and honing our abilities. We have allowed the FBI and its masters in government — both the puppet and the shadow government that controls it — to believe they had struck a crippling blow to our infrastructure, that they had demoralized us, paralyzed us with paranoia and fear. We have held our tongue and waited.

With Aaron's death we can wait no longer. The time has come to show the United States Department of Justice and its affiliates the true meaning of infiltration. The time has come to give this system a taste of its own medicine. The time has come for them to feel the helplessness and fear that comes with being forced into a game where the odds are stacked against them.

This website was chosen due to the symbolic nature of its purpose — the federal sentencing guidelines which enable prosecutors to cheat citizens of their constitutionally-guaranteed right to a fair trial, by a jury of their peers — the federal sentencing guidelines which are in clear violation of the 8th amendment protection against cruel and unusual punishments. This website was also chosen due to the nature of its visitors. It is far from the only government asset we control, and we have exercised such control for quite some time...

There has been a lot of fuss recently in the technological media regarding such operations as Red October, the widespread use of vulnerable browsers and the availability of zero-day exploits for these browsers and their plugins. None of this comes of course as any surprise to us, but it is perhaps good that those within the information security industry are making the extent of these threats more widely understood.

Still there is nothing quite as educational as a well-conducted demonstration...

Through this websites and various others that will remain unnamed, we have been conducting our own infiltration. We did not restrict ourselves like the FBI to one high-profile compromise. We are far more ambitious, and far more capable. Over the last two weeks we have wound down this operation, removed all traces of leakware from the compromised systems, and taken down the injection apparatus used to detect and exploit vulnerable machines.

We have enough fissile material for multiple warheads. Today we are launching the first of these. Operation Last Resort has begun...

Warhead - U S - D O J - L E A - 2013 . A E E 256 is primed and armed. It has been quietly distributed to numerous mirrors over the last few days and is available for download from this website now. We encourage all Anonymous to syndicate this file as widely as possible.

The contents are various and we won't ruin the speculation by revealing them. Suffice it to say, everyone has secrets, and some things are not meant to be public. At a regular interval commencing today, we will choose one media outlet and supply them with heavily redacted partial contents of the file. Any media outlets wishing to be eligible for this program must include within their reporting a means of secure communications.

We have not taken this action lightly, nor without consideration of the possible consequences. Should we be forced to reveal the trigger-key to this warhead, we understand that there will be collateral damage. We appreciate that many who work within the justice system believe in those principles that it has lost, corrupted, or abandoned, that they do not bear the full responsibility for the damages caused by their occupation.

It is our hope that this warhead need never be detonated.

However, in order for there to be a peaceful resolution to this crisis, certain things need to happen. There must be reform of outdated and poorly-envisioned legislation, written to be so broadly applied as to make a felony crime out of violation of terms of service, creating in effect vast swathes of crimes, and allowing for selective punishment. There must be reform of mandatory minimum sentencing. There must be a return to proportionality of punishment with respect to actual harm caused, and consideration of motive and mens rea. The inalienable right to a presumption of innocence and the recourse to trial and possibility of exoneration must be returned to its sacred status, and not gambled away by pre-trial bargaining in the face of overwhelming sentences, unaffordable justice and disfavourable odds. Laws must be upheld unselectively, and not used as a weapon of government to make examples of those it deems threatening to its power.

For good reason the statue of lady justice is blindfolded. No more should her innocence be besmirked, her scales tipped, nor her swordhand guided. Furthermore there must be a solemn commitment to freedom of the internet, this last great common space of humanity, and to the common ownership of information to further the common good.

We make this statement do not expect to be negotiated with; we do not desire to be negotiated with. We understand that due to the actions we take we exclude ourselves from the system within which solutions are found. There are others who serve that purpose, people far more respectable than us, people whose voices emerge from the light, and not the shadows. These voices are already making clear the reforms that have been necessary for some time, and are outright required now.

It is these people that the justice system, the government, and law enforcement must engage with. Their voices are already ringing strong with a chorus of determined resolution. We demand only that this chorus is not ignored. We demand the government does not make the mistake of hoping that time will dampen its ringing, that they can ride out this wave of determination, that business as usual can continue after a sufficient period of lip-service and back-patting.

Not this time. This time there will be change, or there will be chaos...

-Anonymous

The police department in Milwaukee is a little short-staffed after a round of government layoffs. County Sheriff David Clarke Jr. has just released a radio ad in which he tells Milwaukee residents "I need you in the game" (the game is "being police offers").

"With officers laid off and furloughed, simply calling 911 and waiting is no longer your best option," he adds. "You can beg for mercy from a violent criminal, hide under the bed, or you can fight back. ... Consider taking a certified safety course in handling a firearm so you can defend yourself until we get there."

It's possible that unforeseen consequences could arise out of framing gun violence and public safety as a "game" in which calling 911 and relying upon timely police assistance is a "spectator sport." But Clarke doesn't feel that he has any other choice: in an interview with the AP, he said "I'm not telling you to 'Hey, pick up a gun and blast away.' ...People need to know what they are doing if they choose that method - to defend themselves."

But he also said he wanted to call on residents to be law enforcement "partners." He said he could either whine about budget cuts that forced him to lay off 48 deputies last year or he could get creative.

Four years ago, Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett incurred "extensive injuries" from being beaten with a tire iron after trying to protect a woman from her attacker. He spent several hours in surgery to repair damage to his hands and face and also lost several teeth.

"A firearm and a plan of defense would have come in handy for him that day," Clarke said.

The executive director of Wisconsin Anti-Violence Effort, Jeri Bonavia, called the ads "irresponsible," saying Clarke "owes this community an apology. And if he really believes that he's not capable of providing for our public safety he should get a different job." A not unfair point, but of course anyone who replaced Clarke would still be short at least 48 deputies, which would make ensuring public safety a little tricky for anyone.

Related: as of October 2012, the fire department of Danville, IL does not "automatically respond to certain medical emergencies, like allergic reactions, chest pains and diabetic problems." Also removed from the list of automatic responses were poisoning/drug overdoses and traffic accidents. The town does have still have a first-response ambulance service that will respond to emergencies.

[Image via AP]

In 1999, when I was 19 years old, I was arrested and charged with first degree murder, several counts of attempted murder, attempted robbery, and several counts of criminal use of a weapon. I was convicted of first degree assault and third degree weapons possession, and was sentenced to 12 years in prison in 2002.

As a prisoner in the New York State Department of Correctional Services, my new name quickly became Department Identification Number (DIN) 02A3172. The '02' represented the year that I was transferred from the city jail (Rikers Island) to state prison. The 'A' represented the reception facility that I was sent to from Rikers Island. The '3172' was the sequence in which I was processed in that year. In 2002, I was designated inmate 3172 at Downstate Correctional Facility.

The point of this new "name" was to force the incarcerated man to shed any negativity associated with his name prior to his incarceration and afford him a new beginning. In theory, I thought this is a good idea. But in prison, you spend a lot of time watching people become prisoners. The new name and the new routine effectively rob you of the uniqueness and history you've come to associate with your real name. It presents a choice: you can either ignore the possibility of healthy beginnings—which is what incarceration does to most men and women—or you can start a new set of footprints.

I chose the latter. I didn't wait for prison to fail at my rehabilitation. I made the decision that I would accept who I was and start a new beginning just days after my arrest in 1999. I didn't see the need in waiting, or worse, procrastinating. I decided that my prison experience would be my sabbatical.

In February of 2005, I got some help with that sabbatical from a friend named Nadia, who grew up just two blocks from me in Crown Heights, Brooklyn.

Dear Marlon (DIN) 02A3172,

Surprise, surprise!! First and foremost, please don't think that I am lame for not writing you. If anything, blame my mind and not my heart... I no longer work at Verizon, instead I teach eighth grade at the Dr. Susan S. Mckinney School of the Arts. It's basically 6-12th grade school... By July, I'll be finished with my Masters in Special Education. I would love for your to send me a letter that I could read to my kids in which you tell them in your own words how you ended up there, what you've been through, your goals, and any words of wisdom that you could share with them—if that's cool with you, no pressure! Thereafter, they'll send you correspondence via mail. I pray that you continue to gain strength and wisdom.

Miss you, love, & respect,
Nadia

It was a no-brainer. Of course I would accept. It did take some time, however, to calm down. You would have thought I'd received my release papers in the mail. I felt dizzy, and I had plenty of questions. What was I going to write the kids? How long should the letters be? Who was I to be giving words of wisdom?

I wasn't Tookie, "Hurricane" Carter, Malcolm X, or Mumia Abu Jamal. I was a 25-year-old man from Brooklyn convicted of assault and weapons possession. I couldn't figure out why they'd listen to me or care to write me back if I managed to write anything in the first place.

After about three days of contemplation, I pulled out my dinosaur-age Smith Corona Wordsmith typewriter from under my cot. And I wrote.

To the Young Scholars,

Before I introduce myself, I want you all to appreciate how much of a caring teacher you all have in Ms. López. You lucked out this year. What she is doing by reaching out to me goes far and beyond her paycheck. She is one of those teachers that you will remember years from now. Believe me!

As you already know, my name is Marlon Peterson. I am 25-years-old, born and bred in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, and a proud descendant of Trinidadian heritage. Y'all know where Trinidad is, right?

As the youngest of three children, I grew up with the need to always fit in with others. I was the valedictorian of my elementary school in the sixth grade. I also wrote for the Fort Greene News at the age of 11 in a program sponsored by Spike Lee and Nike. As a matter of fact, I had just finished the seventh grade when I wrote for that newspaper. I also wrote for my junior high school newspaper. At fifteen, I was granted an internship at the NYC Opera while also taking journalism classes at my high school, Martin Luther King Jr.

I barely graduated from high school, then went on to NYC Technical College right there on Jay St., and dropped only one year later. After that, I went to Apex Technical School. Twelve days before my twentieth birthday, in October of 1999, I made international news in connection with an attempted robbery and double murder in Manhattan.

Six years later, you're hearing from me from behind bars.

As I sat on that filthy floor in central booking smelling mixtures of human waste and vomit, I tearfully asked myself, "How did this happen?" I never saw it coming—or did I? In the weeks thereafter, my father almost died, my mother and sister were walking zombies, my brother was delirious, and my 11-year old nephew was without his best friend/uncle/big brother.

How did a nerdy little kid dressing up in suits and ties, knocking on doors preaching "Watchtower and Awake!" end up on trial for attempted murder?

I have a cousin that was a Crip and a friend that was Blood. When I was home I would try to do what I could to steer them in the right direction and discourage their reckless lifestyles. The weird thing is that they never served more than a couple months in jail. While not wishing they would ever be caught in my situation, I couldn't help but wonder how it is that I'm mentoring these young brothers to stay away from the nonsense in the ‘hood and here I am sharing a shower with brothers I don't even know in a prison bathroom.

Initially, I was able to find an answer to those questions, at least partially. This part of the answer can be summed up in two quotes: "Do not be misled, bad associations spoil useful habits."-1 Corinthians 15:33, and, "He that is walking with wise persons will become wise, be he that is having dealings with stupid persons will fare badly." –Proverbs 13:20 NWT

The second part of the answer took me a couple of years to realize. In life you do not get to choose your consequences, only your actions. Prison life requires that I constantly reiterate things like this to myself since insanity is always one step away. And insanity is slick. It creeps up you. You are usually too far gone to even you realize it you've been swallowed by it.

I want to leave you a poem. It is untitled, but maybe you all can give it a title for me. Until next time...

Love & guidance,
Marlon Peterson

P.S. I am waiting to hear from you so don't take too long. I'll tell you all a little more about myself, my experiences, and my observations in future letters. Make sure you ask a lot of questions too. Being able to communicate with you is a blessing to me and the other brothers in here that I talk to you about. You contribute to our sanity. Thank you.

…That gentle, exquisite, beautiful bird sings to
release that frustration.
It sings in defiance with the words:
No matter what you think of me,
no matter how you treat me,
no matter how or what you feed me,
no matter what you do to me;
I may be a caged bird,
but I will always be beautiful.

I'd written that poem a year earlier, when I was extremely frustrated with the 45-day cell restriction that I was serving. The disciplinary action limited me to one hour of recreation in the yard about the size of a baseball field with one pull-up and dip bar. I also lost one month of all telephone and commissary privileges for 90 days, and I was restricted to one five-minute shower every other day, not including weekends. And the officers working my cellblock were rarely eager to open my cell to allow me to get that one-hour of recreation or that shower. The rule I'd unknowingly broken was taking a picture in my father's jacket during a "trailer visit" with my parents.

About two weeks later, I was sitting on my cot in my cell. Lite, my cellmate, was sitting on the top bunk listening to his walkman, when an officer dropped a large manila envelope on our cell window.

The envelope had some weight to it. The return address read N. López, Susan S. McKinney JHS. I tore into the envelope like a seven-year-old on Christmas morning.

Dear Marlon (DIN) 02A3172,

I have a lot of questions, but first I am going to tell you who I am. My name is Johnny Gonzalez, I'm 13-years old, and you could call me Johnny. I never had a friend in prison, but it feels good. I just wanted to say, what was on your mind when you heard the gunshots? Also what were you thinking when those cops came to your doorstep? I know I would be scared for my life. Why that day, Marlon? Why that day did you have to hang with your friends? What was going on?

Well, "Caged Animal," is what you should call the poem. It's a nice poem too, real deep.

All love from,
Johnny G.

Dear Marlon (DIN) 02A3172,

I'm Calvin, a student from Ms. López school. I heard the letter you set to Ms. López to read to us. It just made me think about the friends I hang out with. I had more than enough people showing me examples and constantly telling me about the people I hang out with although I still continue chilling with the same people. One of the questions I was willing to ask you is, how did you feel when you heard about this? Did you get into any kind of fights or any kind of disagreements with any of the jailers? I'm sorry about what happened to you. I kind of learned my lesson, but I hope I learned because I am the type of kids that people say has great talent, but hangs out with the wrong crew. I'm thirteen and do things as if I was in my twenties. Alright, hope you write back. Keep your head up.

Sincerely,
Calvin

Dear Marlon (DIN) 02A3172,

I'm so sorry for spelling your name incorrect in my first letter. A lot of people say and spell my name wrong. Your handwriting is neat too. By the way I am 14-years old. I didn't write to you the first time because Ms. López isn't one of my regular teachers.

I feel so happy to have a person like you. A person that I can write or talk to when I am having problems. I should have said it before, but I thank you for writing me back.

First, to start off by answering your questions, I would never want to fall into one of those categories like getting pregnant at a young age, dropping out of school, being shot or jumped because I'm with my boyfriend. But if I was, I would most likely get arrested. Why? Because he wears red a lot and if he sees one of the Blood members, they do their code handshake.

I like him so much and I am going to stay with him. He is actually not that bad as a boyfriend. I really don't want to change the subject, but I have a worse situation. Now the problem is that Martin, my boyfriend, walks me home everyday and being a young girl, I am falling in love with him. By the way, he is 16-years old.

My mother had me at a young age, 15-years old. Now while he walks me home, we play around with each other. When we get upstairs to the staircase, I am not even going to lie, yeah I sit on him and he touches me, but it doesn't get any further than that. My mother believes that we do a lot of other things, like she believes that we have had "sex" in the staircase. But there is one thing I haven't told her, which are the things we do in the staircase. I have also been coming in the house late.

My mother has given me so many warnings and I have messed up all four times. Now she has taken my cell-phone and is thinking about making me live with Martin or my godmother. I really don't know how to explain to her how much I like him. Is there anything that you think I can say or do to make her understand, or just to make her trust me. Sorry my hands hurt now.

I can bet that I will have another situation coming. Like do you have any hints or tips on boys? I am tired of getting hurt by them.

Your New Young Friend,
Kyla Tree

Dear Marlon (DIN) 02A3172,

How are you doing Marlon? The high school that I want to go to is Brooklyn Tech, but sometimes I feel like nobody cares about what I want. A lot of people expect me to fail, but I am going to prove everybody wrong. A lot of people like to talk you down and I know you've been there. I have so many problems, but I don't show it and I don't let it interfere with what I'm doing. I'm not going to allow anybody to interfere with me.

Sincerely,
Shamillian

P.S. I'm Puerto Rican

Dear Mr. Peterson (DIN) 02A3172,

I adored your lifestyle until you got locked up. I know that jail can change a person, but keep your head held high though the thickness and the thinness. When I become famous I will tell everyone that I knew a hero named Marlon Peterson. I really appreciated your writing and the way you've handled yourself. Oh yeah, did I tell you that my dreams in life are to be a model/singer/actress? Well, I have never been to prison and I am only 13 and I am not planning to go to jail cause I am gonna be something in life and I am gonna make your friend, Ms. Lopez, so very proud of me. I am gonna make everybody proud of me. They are gonna look back on life and say, wow, wasn't that the same little girl that used to run around the hallways and not want to listen to what anyone had to say. "Look at her now, she's famous. I should have never doubted her."

I was born in Brooklyn, NY at St. John's Hospital, but raised down south in Georgia. I still live with my mother and father. I have four sisters and no brothers. I have a sweet and kind boyfriend named Keenan and my life with him is great. My life with my family is okay, but not really okay cause we don't really get along. My mother is never home and when she is home she always sleepy and then she leaves. My father is two-faced. First, he wants to talk to me real sweet, then he wants to yell at me. Me and my sisters are close but not like that. My height is 5'2. I moved five times from Georgia to Maryland to Brooklyn living with my aunties. From my auntie's house, I moved to Hancock Street. From there I moved to where I am living now on Franklin Ave. Well, I'll write you later, friend.

Your friend,
Tamia Wendy Hendricks
a.k.a. Young B.

Dear Marlon (DIN) 02A3172,

This is my first time writing to you and I know your predicament, and to me it's sad that you have to spend ten years of your life in there. When I think about you, you remind me of my Uncle Sammy. He's been in the same situation. He's in jail for life for attempted murder. He's in jail because his friends said he tried to murder someone. I know it's hard staying in jail, but in the meantime try to stay positive.

Sincerely,
Derrel Sprint

To my Li'l Brother and Sisters,

Well, it's all over. This has been an extremely wonderful experience for me. Believe it or not, you all have taught me a lot. You Young Scholars have helped me refocus myself and I am grateful for it. You all have become a part of my life. Often, I catch myself walking somewhere and thinking about one of you or I am talking to someone about you all. You all have also helped in the growth and development of my homeboy, Merciful. He sends his love too. Not in my wildest dreams did I think I could be part of something so important and so great. Thank you a lot . And they say that youth are worthless-do you all believe that? Let me hear y'all say Hell No! (Notes to Ms. Lopez: Let them yell it out) I heard that!

But while my correspondence with you is over, your lives are now unfolding. Let me tell you why Ms. Lopez got me involved in this character development class. Honestly, there aren't too many people that expect anything good to come from where most of you all come from. Many people expect you all to fail.

That's the sad truth.

There are a whole bunch of statistics that predict that you will not graduate from school; that you will end up in jail, on probation, pregnant before seventeen, AIDS cases, drug users, drug dealers, thieves, worthless leeches, and worst of all, dead before twenty. There are more Black and Hispanic men in prison that there are in college. What does that tell you all? Well, it tells me that Ms. Lopez realizes that her position as a teacher requires more than simply teaching math and English. She understand that there are so many problems that you all have that can lead to you falling into one of those categories, like I did. Ms. Lopez knows that it still takes a village to raise a child, and even though some members of that village are in twisted situations such as my own, that village voice still needs to be heard. Altogether, Ms. Lopez cares for all you like you were her own children and she knows that I would too. People like us don't come around too often.

Please never forget that neither. I've talked to you about bad association, making good decisions, and I've emphasized that there are consequences to our bad decisions. I've given some of you all personal advice and joked around a little bit too. I've told you things about my personal life, my family, my stupid decisions, and I've told you things about the lives of others I've met throughout my years in prison. I have told you things that I have never told anyone.

Why do you think that I've been so intimate with you all? Why do you think that I always write to you about having goals and encourage you to write and do art projects? Because I care for you and your futures. Because I need for you to realize that you all have immense potential. I need you all to see beyond your 'hood and all of the craziness that goes on daily. I remember teachers repeatedly writing on my report cards I have potential but didn't apply myself. I ignored that counsel for years and only realized if when life chewed me up and spit me out. I don't want you to have to experience what I and countless others have had to go through, to realize that you all are truly gifted and talented. It would hurt my heart to ever hear that one of you all fell victim to one of those categories I mentioned earlier.

I know that feelings of discouragement will come from time to time. That's natural. Just don't allow those feelings to get the best of you. Take a look at Ms. Lopez and me for example. We grew up two blocks away from each other in Crown Heights. Even though a lot of people in our age groups fell into those categories, including myself, your teacher did not. This shows that it is possible to avoid the crap that goes on in the hood and succeed; it is possible to have dreams and reach them. This shows that those people that make things can come from the hood. But nobody is going to hold your hands and always remind you of what you should be doing and what not to do. Nothing is going to be easy. Struggle is part of survival. Trust me! I know that you can succeed, but do you?

Like I said before, this is the end of our correspondence unfortunately, but it is only the beginning for you all. Some of you will be going to summer school and I know that is not the place to be, but ain't nothing worthwhile easy, right?

I got one more stat for you: less than half of those entering high school in the ninth grade graduate. What will you do about that?

So once again, thank you for being my friends for the past four months. You all have helped this prisoner out a whole lot. I'll never forget you all. I won't say goodbye, I'll just see you later. For the last time...

...Guidance,

Your Big Brother, Marlon P.

The students' names have been changed to respect privacy.

Marlon Peterson served 10 years, 2 months and 7 days of his 12-year sentence. He was released in 2010 and will be on parole until 2015. Marlon is currently a senior at New York University. He is also the Associate Director of the Crown Heights Mediation Center and the co-founder of How Our Lives Link Altogether (H.O.L.L.A.!.) He can be reached at marlonpeterson10@gmail.com or on Twitter @marlon_79.

Images by Devin Rochford and Jim Cooke.

In a project overseen by contributing editor Kiese Laymon, Gawker is running a personal essay every weekend. Please send suggestions to saturdays@gawker.com.

Now that former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown isn't railroading negotiations on financial reform, or even in elective office at all, he's got some time on his hands.

And how is Scott Brown spending his spare time?

Enjoying Japanese cuisine:

Staying fit for his spread in Cosmo:

And, of course, drunk tweeting @thehaterz (the tweets have since been deleted):

Scott Brown may not be a senator any longer, but maybe we can elect him the Vice President of Drunk Tweeting. So after a long night of Sam Adams and "whatever bud"s, what's an ex-senator, ex-porn star to do? Get a run in.

[Image via AP]