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​The Disney Channel Finally Introduces a Gay Couple

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While Macklemore was celebrating "Same Love" and ho-baggin it up at the Grammys, The Disney Channel was also celebrating its own cleaned-up version of same love. On Sunday night's episode of the family sitcom Good Luck Charlie, a lesbian couple—the network's first-ever same-sex pairing—was featured arriving for a playdate at Charlie's house.

According to TV Guide's summary, the episode focuses more on the Duncan family than their gay visitors, because being gay is totally "fine":

In the storyline, parents Amy and Bob Duncan (Leigh-Allyn Baker and Eric Allan Kramer) set up a playdate for preschooler Charlie (Mia Talerico) and one of her new friends. When the kid arrives, the Duncans learn that Charlie's pal has two moms. That's fine, but the potential new friendship is put to the test as one mom chats with Amy, and the other is stuck listening to Bob's dull stories.

The Disney channel first announced the plan to feature gay characters in June.

As usual, the crazy bigots were concerned about Disney opening the "floodgates" of gay while "pushing an agenda." One Million Moms pushed for action last week, asking Good Luck Charlie sponsors to pull their ads:

Alerting all parents! If "Good Luck Charlie" goes through with introducing LGBT content, then the floodgates will be opened for all programs on the Disney Channel - a trend that will be almost impossible to stop.

Disney Channel has very few sponsors and advertisers on its network. Care.com was the only Disney Channel sponsor that was promoted during the January 19, 2014, newest episode of "Good Luck Charlie." Care.com often sponsors programs on the Disney network.

An upcoming episode in this last season of "Good Luck Charlie" will feature a family with two moms, a first for Disney Channel. Because "Good Luck Charlie" is coming to a close, the characters are only expected to appear in one episode. However, one episode is enough, especially since the network repeatedly airs reruns of all its programs.

One Million Moms launched an email campaign in 2013 that urged Disney officials to abandon their plans to corrupt the children's network with LGBT content. However, Disney officials have not responded to the thousands of emails protesting their plans. Disney has decided to be politically correct instead of providing family-friendly programming. Disney should stick to entertaining, not pushing an agenda.

Conservative families need to urge Disney to avoid controversial topics that children are far too young to comprehend. This is the last place a parent would expect their children to be confronted with topics that are too difficult for them to understand. Mature issues of this nature are being introduced too early and too soon, and it is extremely unnecessary.

But please, don't get too excited about any sort of real change occurring at The Disney Channel. Taylor's two moms will not be featured on any upcoming episodes because the next episode of Good Luck Charlie will be the series finale. Nothing like a "groundbreaking" empty network gesture!


Dear Winklevoss Twins: Please Don't Ever Compare Bitcoin to Gandhi

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Dear Winklevoss Twins: Please Don't Ever Compare Bitcoin to Gandhi

Especially when it's getting you in hot water. The above tweet is presumably from today's New York Department of Financial Services hearing on the legitimacy and future of Bitcoin as currency, and should have been thought over more carefully.

Pro Tip: Masturbate in the McDonald's Parking Lot at Your Own Risk

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Pro Tip: Masturbate in the McDonald's Parking Lot at Your Own Risk

An elderly Florida man was arrested last week for allegedly masturbating to porn on a laptop in the front seat of his Mercedes, while parked at the local McDonald's.

Spencer Toner, 79, was allegedly lovin' it when he "was observed by a deputy inside his 1982 black Mercedes Benz C300 looking at pornographic pictures on a laptop computer," according to the Southwest Florida News-Press:

After knocking on the car window, the deputy said Toner rolled the window down, removed the laptop, and asked if he could help the officer.

The deputy said that once the laptop was removed he saw that Toner's pants were unbuttoned and there was a white rag placed between his legs.

Toner told the deputy that he'd stopped by McDonald's to "get a bite to eat," according to WBBH-TV. But a witness who identified Toner said the man had been happily jerking it in the car, even as kids walked by, and when asked to stop by passersby, he "told them they were invading his privacy."

Toner, who says he lives out of his car, was booked for indecent exposure and released on a $2,000 bond. It was unclear from the reports whether he had gotten a Happy Meal.

[Photo credits: Lee County Jail; Niloo/Shutterstock.com]

Police say there is "no indication race was a factor" in the case of a West Virginia man killing two

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Police say there is "no indication race was a factor" in the case of a West Virginia man killing two black men who were walking near his house. The shooter told police he thought the victims, who were brothers, were trying to steal from him. In reality, the two men had been looking at a piece of property one had bought.

And Now, a Few Words From the Long-Term Unemployed

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And Now, a Few Words From the Long-Term Unemployed

Almost four million Americans officially suffer from long-term unemployment. Unable to secure any meaningful legislation to help them, President Obama is reduced to begging corporations to pledge not to discriminate against them. What is long term unemployment like?

In tonight's State of the Union address, Obama will doubtless take a stab at describing the plight of those out of work for many months or years, as a prelude to the announcement that he "has secured pledges from a number of major U.S. employers to adopt hiring policies that discourage discrimination against the long-term unemployed." That's a paltry remedy to a crushing problem.

Throughout the course of our 40-volume Unemployment Stories series, we heard dozens of people speak of the financial, social, and psychological trauma that accompanies long term unemployment. We have quite a few stories that we didn't have a chance to run in that series. We'll share a few with you now. Here, some words from America's long term unemployed:

Defeat

I'm an art director. I knew pursuing a career in art was going to be a rocky road when I was a kid. I worked hard, went to art school, paid my dues, found success. Even as a freelancer, I could always find work. It's typical in these pieces to mention the level of your previous success. I usually just tell folks that they've probably seen my work somewhere. Advertising is like that.

That seems like another world now. At this stage of my extended unemployment, I'll do anything. Digging ditches, washing dishes, I don't care so long as there's some sort of paycheck.

The worst part of extended unemployment is a sense that people blame you for it. As if somehow you're choosing this. Anything you may have achieved before is irrelevant. Now you're lazy, unmotivated, a drain on the system and the target of all sorts of condescending unsolicited advice. Gosh, thank you! I hadn't considered applying at Wal-Mart, the gas station, Jenny's diner. Wow! There are job fairs?!? OMG! I had NO idea!!! I've been too busy enjoying my life of luxurious relaxation. Go back to school! Brilliant! Not only will my bankruptcy make it tough but I can destroy my credit even more while becoming even more overqualified to be a stockboy!

After a while, it doesn't matter how well meaning the would be job counselors might be. All of it makes you feel less than human.

After a while, you drop out of everything. When friends and family decide to get together someplace you opt out. It's too humiliating when you can't afford a glass of soda. Besides, how many times can you listen to someone tell you there's a job fair going on at some hotel conference room?

Even positive activities become points of criticism. You ran five miles? How much did that pay? You watched the game? Bet you made a lot of money doing that!

It's nearly impossible to stay positive. Low level depression is a constant state. Regular rejection attacks your self image. You begin to doubt all the habits you built up to become successful, no matter how successful you were.

At any given moment you waver between giving up completely or absolutely losing your temper. Maintaining an even keel is exhausting.

You lose so much more than a job with extended unemployment. You feel like you lose the things that make us people. Not just money, a home, independence... you lose your value as a person.

When you finally come to the point where you realize you'll take a minimum wage position you know that such a job won't provide for any kind of life... you'll be lucky to pay for transportation to get to and from work.

You can't vent your frustration. If you do, you simply prove to others that you're not worthy, you're not trying, you don't want a job, you're a screw up, you've already decided you're defeated.

Defeat is a great word to sum up the experience. Talk politics, economics, strategies, psychology... doesn't matter when you get turned down for yet another job. Day after day, month after month, year after year, defeat. You lose.

How remarkable is it that people who deal with exactly that reality set their alarms every day? Find a way to get online, submit resumes day after day, put on a brave face and find a way to get through it all? Dig deep and smile when people mention that they saw on the news x or y company is hiring two hundred people?

Most of us are so far past any sort of reasonable breaking point even we can't tell you how we continue. Press any of us about it and we'll say 'what choice do we have?!?'

Reality kicks you in the teeth

I've read the unemployment stories and many of them reflect my own.Even though it may be repetitive to write these words I still feel the compulsion to write them down and share them with you.

In thinking about laying out the facts of my story, I do realize that a lot of it is my own fault.Some might say "no", but that's how it seems to me.I went to college and for the longest time I didn't know what I wanted to do.I had walked a very long and crooked road to try to find something that I could do with even a little competence and enjoyment.I started in the math and science area.I could barely get passed even the most remedial areas.Then I tried the technical college.I could barely hack it there.Finally, I found that in the English department was where I could do my best and so I went on to study both professional and creative writing.

I had thought that I might get into an entry level position where my skills might have been of some use.Sadly, that wasn't the case.I searched and searched and searched.The days turned to weeks.The months bled into two years.I couldn't even land jobs washing dishes, washing cars or cleaning toilets despite my willingness to do those jobs.

And there wasn't a lot of support for this.

One of my family members even said to me, "If things don't change in five years, you might as well kill yourself."

And during that time, I was living at home because of the fact that I had no income source to find any kind of home of my own.Then to make matters worse, my mother was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver.And she passed away within a month.

She had no will or life insurance and so, her house (the home I was living in) went back to the bank along with her car.It was only by the purest good fortune that my eldest brother allowed me to live with him out in California.

I did try to remain optimistic about coming to California, thinking that this would be a new chapter in my life and that I would continue to soldier on in the face of my mother's passing.But, once again, reality kicks you in the teeth.I searched and searched and searched.Days turned to weeks and the weeks bled into months and still nothing.I've applied to be a dishwasher at Chili's, a night time stocker at Toys R Us and many others.Still nothing.Even people at the temp agencies and staffing centers said that they couldn't help me.That in itself almost seems like a sign to give up, doesn't it?

Already, I know that there are those out there who would tell me that this is my own fault because I had chosen a degree in an area that is pretty much useless.I'd be willing to concede that.On the other hand, when it comes to jobs listings at job sites and company sites constantly say that they want experience.But to get experience one must have a job.And so the vicious nonsensical merry-go-round continues to spin.

It's at times like this that I start to think of the writers and artists who've come before me:Kurt Cobain, Ernest Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, Vincent Van Gough, Hunter S. Thompson, Spalding Gray and Richard Jeni and the question that I find myself asking is, "Did they have the right idea at the end of their lives?"

signed,

The Failed Writer

Exhausted

I'm about two weeks from running out of unemployment for good. I've been out of work for a little over a year, with a handful of vague odd jobs since. When I got laid off I lost my health insurance. I couldn't afford COBRA, but with a chronic disease and a mental illness coming to the boiling point I could not afford to be without healthcare. That led me to pack up my stuff and my cat and drive 3500 miles to Massachusetts, where I immediately became eligible for MassHealth, the state's healthcare system that Obamacare is modeled after. In Mass, my medication costs went from the thousands to $10 or free.

But for that spiffy healthcare I sacrificed a healthier job market, settling in a familiar college town where I had a built-in social support network of friends, instead of in a bigger city, like Boston. I moved here in June of last year, and a year later I'm still looking for long-term/permanent work that pays a living wage. Hell, I can't even get the jobs that pay minimum wage.

I've been turned down for job after job after job. I'm too qualified. If I disclose my chronic illness, I am mysteriously passed over for the position. If I don't disclose, I run the risk of being caught out having lied about my ability to do all aspects of the job. I also risk hurting myself by trying to do it anyway. I'm in my late 30s, in a college town full of young, cheap labor. I'm not a college grad...

I'm so tired. All the time. I'm just exhausted because I walk around feeling like I'm carrying every second of every day spent unemployed in a sack on my back. I'm always broke, always, my friends are constantly covering for me, bailing me out, giving me work so I can feel like I'm earning my money and I'm not a charity case. I'm sick of feeling like a drain on everyone. I'm tired of feeling left behind by people younger than me who have their shit together. My friends are having kids and getting married. I'm stagnant, stuck in a quasi-young adult phase that gets more ridiculous the older I get. I'm tired of feeling worthless, useless and un-employable.

About a month ago, I came the closest I've ever come to wanting to die. Were it not for the inconvenience of being loved by a family member and a pet, I likely would have done something about it. I am fortunate to have very kind, supportive friends, and a good therapist - paid for through Masshealth. These are the reasons I can't move.

My unemployment is about to expire, my last federal extension exhausted. The job I do for a local business is only a handful of hours a week and barely worth the gas to get there. I just moved into a place in March after having been homeless for months and I don't know if I can keep it. I don't have anywhere to go if I can't. But I don't know how I am going to pay the rent or keep the lights and phone on. I don't know how to feed myself, or the cat. I don't know how I am going to do anything right, ever again.

I don't know.

Let's offer our fellow Americans something more meaningful than a promise.

[You can read all of our "Unemployment Stories" here. Photo: AP]

How Old Is Lorde? Are You a Lorde Age Truther?

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How Old Is Lorde? Are You a Lorde Age Truther?

Lorde, the Kiwi singer-songwriter who won a Grammy on Sunday night, is 17or is she? Is this Lorde's birth certificate?

Some context: Lorde is from New Zealand, and sings a popular song called "Royals," among others. She is, many people will tell you, 17 years old. Many others don't believe this:

Here are some Lorde song lyrics: "I'm kind of older than I was when I reveled without a care." Hmm.

"Hi, I'm Ella," she "deadpanned" to Vanity Fair last week, "and I'm actually 45." Hmm. Hmmmm.

Earlier this month, Lorde told Rookie's Tavi Gevinson that The Virgin Suicides "really resonated with me as a teenager. I mean, I am still a teenager."

Hmmmmmmmmmmm. So, anyway, that brings us to today: Emma Carmichael, late of this website and its sports cousin Tronball, has done the hard reporting work and paid a $17.02 fee to obtain the birth certificate of one Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor, d.b.a. Lorde, born November 7, 1996:

How Old Is Lorde? Are You a Lorde Age Truther?

First of all, though, this is not a birth certificate. This is an easily forged document called a "data printout." Carmichael says she'll have access to the real, handwritten certificate in a week, but even then: Can we trust the New Zealand government? (Side question: Is Lorde even actually from New Zealand? Did you hear her accent at the Grammys? What part of New Zealand is California in?) For that matter, can we trust Carmichael, The Hairpin, or the Awl Blog Network? (Carmichael, for the record, claims to be 25, but has not produced a birth certificate.)

Science Discovers New Horrible Scary Dolphin That Will Kill Us All

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Science Discovers New Horrible Scary Dolphin That Will Kill Us All

A team of researchers has announced the discovery of a rare species of South American river dolphin that O MY SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS WITH THE JAWS OF EVIL WHERE ARE EYES KILL IT WITH FIRE AUUUUUUGH.

The sextet of scholars from Brazil was somehow willing to go out into that country's Araguaia River basin in search of new specimens, even though their trek was a straight-to-Netflix Anaconda reboot waiting to happen.

What they found were dolphins with new genetic profiles, which is to say they are not the cute dolphins of our Key West spring break Windjammer dreams, but freshwater beasts that Terry Gilliam might have doodled while angry and on the can after eating a bad batch of mojo pork.

Science Discovers New Horrible Scary Dolphin That Will Kill Us All

I mean, yipe:

Science Discovers New Horrible Scary Dolphin That Will Kill Us All

Anyway, this is the first discovery of a new river dolphin species in 100 years, so bully to the survivors researchers. There are estimated to be about 1,000 of them in 1,600-plus miles of river, so stock up on your ammunition and canned food now, before they sprout the legs.

"River dolphins are among the rarest and most endangered of all vertebrates," one of them told Phys.org, "so discovering a new species is something that is very rare and exciting."

So is escaping the Araguaia River basin with your life. Vaya con dios, crazy mutant dolphin lovers.

[Photo credit: AP/Nicole Dutra, Federal University of Amazonas]

Jury Reprimanded for Laughing at Alleged Sheep Fucker Rejected by Cow

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Jury Reprimanded for Laughing at Alleged Sheep Fucker Rejected by Cow

A jury broke out into laughter on Monday after prosecutors described how a cow rejected the advances of an alleged sheep fucker.

Last September, a couple having a picnic reportedly witnessed 61-year-old Paul Lovell attempting to have sex with a sheep just minutes after he tried—and failed—to have sex with a cow in a field near London. Lovell, who was 250 yards from the couple, was reportedly "laying on the floor, taking his shorts off" before the attempted animal sex acts.

When the cow rejected his advances, prosecutors told jurors the man decided "try his luck with some sheep," At that point, understandably, the jury burst into laughter. The judge, however, was less amused and chided the jurors for laughing, according to the International Business Times.

One charge of indecent exposure was dropped against Lovell due to lack of evidence, though a second charge of outraging public indecency was amended to make sure it stuck: The charge now reads outraging public indecency with "fellatio on a cow."

[Image via Shutterstock]


A Guide to Tom Perkins, the Looniest Tech Guy In Silicon Valley

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A Guide to Tom Perkins, the Looniest Tech Guy In Silicon Valley

Silicon Valley could not scramble away from Tom Perkins fast enough this week, after one of the founding fathers of venture capital tried to compare class tension directed at San Francisco's 1 percent with what's now basically considered the beginning of the Holocaust.

Never seen the fellow, never met the dude, not even sure how he got on our logo, they cried. Rather than acknowledge Perkins' whine for what it was—a grotesque caricature of their own paranoia and hair-trigger persecution complex over whether they deserve to be at the top of the heap—Perkins became a convenient scapegoat.

Look at that whack job over there. Protest the Google buses. Pay no attention to the income inequality and untenable housing shortage behind the curtain. (By the way, Wall Street's way ahead of Silicon Valley on the paranoia index. If one rock at a Google bus freaked them out, imagine months of rabble-rousers plotting the revolution in Zuccotti Park.)

In an impassioned disavowal of Perkins statements, investor Mark Suster, who makes some fine points otherwise, sneers at a quote Perkins gave the Wall Street Journal in 2012: "I'm called the king of Silicon Valley. "Why can't I have a penthouse?"

"Who says out loud that they are the king of anything?" Suster retorts, only to accidentally allude to the Valley's unspoken hierarchy a few paragraphs later:

If Marc Andreessen barely knows Tom Perkins you can be assured Mr. Perkins is not the king of anything in Silicon Valley.

So there is a king, it's just not Perkins. In fact, Andreessen seems to be leading the charge to put simultaneously put their Teslas in reverse. Check out his Twitter stream during Perkins gaffe-filled interview with Bloomberg TV yesterday.

This heckling is from a billionaire who stunted on the cover of Time on a golden throne. Andreessen is just savvy enough not to say brand names like Richard Mille—or phrases like private coastline or that's my Redwood—on Bloomberg TV.

A Guide to Tom Perkins, the Looniest Tech Guy In Silicon Valley

But that's what makes Perkins so fascinating!

He's too old—he brought A PRINT OUT of an email from some random commenter to read in his defense—and out-of-touch with the hoodie aesthetic to hide his real feelings. If you got an invite to one of those debate club/dinner parties at Peter Thiel's house, you'd likely hear some version of the obliviousness he spouted on TV. Emily Chang, who interviewed Perkins on Bloomberg described it best:

"It's apparent that he is divorced from the reality that 99% of us live in. Yet, as he answered my questions, he appeared brutally honest..."

The Silicon Valley villagers hanging Perkins out to dry are right about one thing, though. Perkins let their class anxiety out of the bag, but he's not an archetype or emblematic of the tech industry. He could never be. Mostly because he seems singularly bonkers—your wackiest uncle if your uncle had the money to see the world from the window of his underwater airplane.

Just check the archives:

1. There was that time in 1996 when Perkins was convicted of involuntary manslaughter in France. The yacht maniac collided his ship with a smaller boat, killing a French doctor on board. Perkins escaped with a 10,000 fine and source material for his wife at the time, Danielle Steel. The persecution complex is strong in this accidental killer:

"I was arrested and tried in a foreign court in a language you don't understand, by judges indifferent - or worse - to justice, represented by an inappropriate lawyer with the negative outcome preordained."

2. The manslaughter conviction and other escapades are covered in Perkins' memoir, Valley Boy: The Education of Tom Perkins, which he told Charlie Rose that he wrote partly to compete with Her Hedgerow Highness, Steel.

3. You can read more about Perkins' competitive streak in the book Mine's Bigger: The Extraordinary Tale of the World's Greatest Sailboat and the Silicon Valley Tycoon Who Built It. The big boat in question is a $130 million pinnacle of ostentation "as long as a football field" called The Maltese Falcon. (n.b.: This is a different yacht from the one he manslaughtered on.) In 2007, Perkins told the New York Times his friend had another name for the ship:

"Bubbles are good," he said. "I've made a lot of money on bubbles."

Mr. Perkins's firm, Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers, was an early backer of Google. Mr. Perkins said he has sold a chunk of his shares.

"My friend said that I should have called my boat, which I named the Maltese Falcon, the Maltese Google," he said.

A Guide to Tom Perkins, the Looniest Tech Guy In Silicon Valley

4. But we've only gotten two of the reading materials you'll need to study up on Perkins! He also wrote a cheeky little romp called Sex and the Single Zillionaire. According to the book's description on Amazon, the plot goes like so:

Much to his surprise, and the chagrin of his Wall Street partners, Steven Hudson, a very wealthy widower, agrees to appear on the new reality show Trophy Bride. Plucked from his lonely Central Park-view penthouse and dropped into a frothy mix of stunning models, actresses, and athletes, Steven's sober life quickly veers out of control.

In the author's note, Perkins says the story is "pure fiction," except that like his main character, "I received an invitation to try-out for the star part in a TV reality show." Whichever network lost the opportunity to broadcast Perkins: Unplugged does not deserve its airtime.

5. This 60 Minutes interview with Lesley Stahl offers a brief chance to watch Perkins in his native habitat: command central on his yacht. Apparently he built the software "that makes sailing on the Falcon as easy as playing a computer game!" When Stahl asks how much it cost him, Perkins laughs, but can't help himself: "The rule of thumb, Lesley, is that a big yacht costs about a million dollars a meter."

Image how many six-packs of Rolexes you could buy with that.

6. The most important thing you need to know, however, is that this isn't Perkins first letter writing rodeo. He also played a crucial part in Hewlett-Packard "pretexting" scandal, which ended with a three-month jail sentence for a former private investigator. In a book review of Valley Boy, the San Jose Mercury News wrote:

Not one to go quietly, Perkins forced HP leaders to oh-so-gradually own up to the company's skulduggery and endure the world-class scandal they richly deserved.

Kaplan's book quotes Perkins warning an investment banker, "I can be very vindictive." That's not always a bad thing. If not for Perkins, HP management might still regard its spy caper as a success, not a scandal. Remember, the HP attorney who supervised the spying was rewarded with a promotion to director of ethics.

Here's the letter he wrote to HP's directors. Sometimes you can learn more from the jester than the king.

WSJ Perkins to HP (PDF)
WSJ Perkins to HP (Text)

To contact the author of this post, please email nitasha@gawker.com.

[Top image via Getty, Maltese Falcon image via Associated Press]

​This Bulldog Hates Being Called "ButtKiss"

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Meet Ellie, an English bulldog that hates being called "ButtKiss." Yes, it's unusual for a dog to react so strongly to a name but also: That's a terrible name. Don't let your owner bully you like that, Ellie.

[via Daily Picks and Flicks]

Wendy Davis' Daughters Tell Conservative Critics to Back the Hell Off

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Wendy Davis' Daughters Tell Conservative Critics to Back the Hell Off

Wendy Davis is running for governor of Texas as a Democrat. Wendy Davis vaulted to fame for filibustering anti-abortion bills. Right-wing partisans call Wendy Davis "Abortion Barbie" and intimate that she's a gold-digger. Wendy Davis also has two daughters, and they say you can shut the fuck up now, please.

After months of verbal abuse so base that even Fox News' Greta Van Susteren decried its purveyors as sexist "creeps who take cheap shots," the Davis-hate rose to a crescendo last week when her detractors seized on a Dallas Morning News report combing the details of her personal narrative. There were little inconsistencies and omissions, the News found. "The basic elements of the narrative are true, but the full story of Davis' life is more complicated, as often happens when public figures aim to define themselves," News reporter Wayne Slater wrote.

The right wing hateosphere went ballistic, painting the profile as the portrait of a serially dishonest, abusive harpy. She was a neglectful, careerist mom who stepped on some men with money on her way to glory.

The daughters have a different view. In an open letter—included in its entirety below—Dru and Amber Davis push back on accusations that their mother was neglectful or ambitious to their detriment. Much of the letter's language conforms to traditional political family tropes—love, support, sacrifice, love, dedication, commitment, love—and is familiar to anyone who followed the attacks against Sarah Palin in 2008, albeit with a few more complex sentences and vocabulary words.

But then, what do you expect happy children of a mud-slung high-profile candidate for office to say? Here's how this story has gone so far:

  1. Davis tells a simple story of her rise to prominence.
  2. A reporter complicates that simple story.
  3. Davis' opponents, led by human Oscar Mayer Wienermobile Erick Erickson, use the complicated narrative to tell a simplistic, sexist tale of Davis as a dumb, mean broad.
  4. Davis' daughters respond with a simple story of their own, albeit one that adds some nuance and human interest to the political shitshow.
  5. What comes next? More simple narratives from both sides.

Texans are electing a major executive official, which is the closest thing we have in these American states to a democratically selected priesthood. Of course aspirants fall back on simple narratives. But that doesn't mean both sides in any given election are equally simplistic or morally scummy. Behind every cry of "Abortion Barbie" is a Douchebag Ken.

—-

January 28, 2014

Open Letter from Dru Davis

My name is Dru Davis and I am Wendy Davis's daughter. I hate that I feel the need to write this, but I have been reading and hearing so many untrue things about my mom and I want to set the record straight. And sadly I feel the need to be crystal clear on the malicious and false charge of abandonment as nothing could be further from the truth. My mom has always shared equally in the care and custody of my sister and me.

My mom had my sister at 19 and although she was technically married for a short period of time, she was handling almost everything on her own. She was working 2 jobs regularly and going to school. She met my dad when Amber was still very young. They had an amazing love that I witnessed for many years. Unfortunately, it didn't last, like so many love stories don't.

I can tell you that my mom was a remarkable mother and continues to be so to this day. She was there on my first day of school and my last, and so many days in between. She never missed a school performance or a parent-teacher
conference. Even if that meant she had to miss something else important. My sister and I were always her first priority. She was there when I needed her and even when I thought I didn't. My mom was my Brownie Troop leader. I still remember camping out in the backyard with my troop after our trip was cancelled because of bad weather. She was also my field hockey team mom during my senior year of high school, not to mention that she went with me to every single field hockey camp, tryout, program that I ever had. She helped me sort through college possibilities, helped me with my applications and visited colleges with me.

I will never forget our drive to Colorado when she was dropping me off as a freshman at Colorado College. I cried the entire way. I am surprised she made it through that one. And after we got there, she stayed for days making sure every detail of my room was perfect until I finally had to tell her to leave.

My mom has been my sounding board for everything in my life, from resumes and papers to helping me with relationships. She was and is an amazing mother and has been the greatest role model I could imagine. Whatever happened, whatever difficult things she and my dad went through, she was always there. And I knew I was loved by her, regardless.

Yes, she went to law school after my sister and I were born. We lived with her the first semester, but I had severe asthma and the weather there wasn't good for
me. My parents made a decision for my sister and me to stay in Texas while my mom kept going to school. But that doesn't mean she wasn't there for us. She traveled back and forth all the time, missing so many classes so that she could be with us. Her friends were such a big help. Especially her third year, when she would

only go to school two weeks out of the month and her friends would share class notes so she could try to keep up while she was home with us in Fort Worth.

I love that my mom went to law school and was dedicated to both her work and
us. Watching her work so hard to achieve something great has been one of the most important lessons in my life. To this day, I watch my mom greeted and hugged by people who love her and are thankful for things she has done for them. I am proud of her for that. Both of my parents made sacrifices to make education happen for all of us, my sister and me included. And both of them have been great role models for what it means to care about people in the world.

Open Letter from Amber Davis

My name is Amber Davis and I am Wendy Davis' oldest daughter. I have spent the past few days reading the ludicrous comments that people have shared on social media about my mother and our family. It is a shame that those who don't know us feel the need to comment on the details of our lives as if they've lived them. I have a hard time understanding how such hate and negativity can result from one person's false accusations.

My mother had me when she was very young, a kid herself. And although she was married for a short period of time, parenthood was her sole responsibility. Yes, we lived in a trailer. Does it matter how long? Not to me. Even though some people have tried to question my own memories; I do remember the trailer, as well as the apartments that we lived in during the years that followed. I know that I was my mother's first priority and that she wanted a better life for me than the one she was living. She worked 2 jobs and went to community college at night. She refused to repeat the life her family struggled in growing up.

When I was a toddler, she met my step-dad, Jeff. They shared an immediate connection and I started to realize what it was like to have a real family. They married shortly before I turned five. Not long after they married they had my sister, Dru, the biggest baby I have ever seen. My parents had an amazing marriage for many years. They challenged each other and pushed each other to want more out of life.

After graduating at the top of her class at TCU, she went on to Harvard law school. Dru and I lived with her the first semester but our parents soon realized that it would be better if we stayed in our childhood home in Texas, be around extended family and attend our regular schools. This was a decision made by both parents. I have recently heard the phrase "abandoned" quite often in the past week. That our mother "left us to be raised by our father" while she went on to pursue her education. Not only is this ridiculously unfair; it's completely untrue. Dru and I have always been her number one priority. Always. And every decision our parents made was with our best interests at heart. We had an amazing support system while she was at Harvard and she was constantly traveling back and forth from school to be

with us. I'm proud that my parents were able to make this arrangement work. People should be less concerned about who paid for what and pay more attention to the fact that she was accepted to Harvard law school, a dream she believed was unachievable.

People have come to know Wendy Davis the politician. But I want people to relate to Wendy Davis, my mother. I have a bond with my mother that is unlike any other. Even as a 31 year old adult, I will forever be referred to as her "Punky Brewster." She is my best friend - the one I can confide in without judgment. I look up to her and rely on her for guidance and support, even to this very day. She is my rock and has always been a role model in my life.

My mother has achieved so much despite the odds. Her strength and desire to further her career is an inspiration and a quality I admire most about her. She has always had my full support and I am so proud of her accomplishments. She is a remarkable mother. I don't think she gives herself enough credit sometimes.

Our family has gone through difficult times just like many others. That's not news. That's life. I'm sure many people can agree that divorce is certainly not an easy thing to experience. At that time, I was a young adult in college and Dru was in high school and to be clear, no one "lost or gave up custody" of either one of us. But no matter how difficult it was, both of our parents were there for us. And no matter what happened within our family, our mother always made it known that we were and remain the most important thing in her life.

[Photo credit: AP]

​Here's a Weather Reporter Kneeing Some Guy in the Balls

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Some friendly advice: Do not interrupt The Weather Channel's Jim Cantore during a live broadcast.

That's just what some idiot in Charleston did last night while Cantore was reporting on the winter storm that shut down much of the South; for his efforts, the video bomber got a knee straight in the junk.

"Obviously, here at the College of Charleston they are already having a good time," Cantore said after the incident.

Deadspin A Father's Guide To Kiddie Air Travel | Gizmodo The Oculus Rift Put Me In Game of Thrones a

Poetry-vs.-Prose Argument Leads to Stabbing Death in Russia

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Poetry-vs.-Prose Argument Leads to Stabbing Death in Russia

At risk of being somewhat reductionist, here is a bit of advice: Russians love poetry. Fuck with that at your own risk. If, for example, you tell a learned Russian that "the only real literature is prose," don't be surprised when he shivs you in the face.

According the the Russian news service RIA-Novosti:

A former teacher was detained in Russia's Urals after being accused of stabbing an acquaintance to death in a dispute about literary genres, investigators said Wednesday.

The 67-year-old victim insisted that "the only real literature is prose," the Sverdlovsk Region's branch of the Investigative Committee said.

The victim's assertion outraged the 53-year-old suspect, who favored poetry, and the dispute ended with the ex-teacher stabbing his friend to death, investigators said.

Both of the men were purportedly drunk at the time.

What can be said about this? In one sense, since it leads to a murderous dispute, the pen proves itself mightier than the sword. On the other hand, screw that noise: Dude with the blade won this round. All we can really say for sure is 1) the real truth of genres is that comedy and tragedy coexist easily; and 2) these assholes are lucky Lukács wasn't there to murder them both for decadent subjectivism and a failure to privilege the realist novel.

Relatedly, one Russian man shot another repeatedly with rubber bullets after they had a dispute over the philosophy of Immanuel Kant while waiting on line for some beers. That attack, in Rostov on Don last September, was categorically wrong. But sublime nonetheless.

[Photo credit: danilobiancalana/Shutterstock]

McDonald's Still Wants to Be the New Starbucks

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McDonald's Still Wants to Be the New Starbucks

McDonald's was once known as a "restaurant" where Americans could purchase, at reasonable prices, hamburgers the size and flavor of air hockey discs. Those days are gone. Fast food is a loser's game. McDonald's now aims to be the new Starbucks.

Why? That is for the great minds of the McDonald's corporation to know. The facts are that McD's has been pushing coffee hardcore for years now—but, according to a new Bloomberg report, results have not been as smashing as Ronald would have hoped. Now, with business growth stalled and the stock price trending down, McDonald's has decided to double down on its "Order Lots of Coffee With Your Fries" strategy.

One of the chain's top priorities is boosting "coffee-driven visits," according to a document laying out the company's 2014 to 2016 U.S. strategy. In a Jan. 28 memo, U.S. operations chief Jim Johannesen and U.S. brand chief Kevin Newell exhorted franchisees to deliver "a gold-standard cup of coffee with every visit." Earlier this month, in a webcast for restaurant owners, McDonald's vowed to become the "envy" of rivals and said Starbucks Corp. (SBUX) was leading the "coffee wars."

Maybe Starbucks sells more coffee because Starbucks is a coffee shop and McDonald's is a restaurant whose signature burger features three buns slathered in nasty Russian dressing mixed with mayo and who wants to drink coffee with that? Just at thought.

[Photo: Flickr]


Florida Men Lead Police on Canoe Chase

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Florida Men Lead Police on Canoe Chase

Two men wanted for a host of charges attempted to flee authorities in North Florida by paddling away on a river for hours. And they would have gotten away with it, too, if the cops hadn't gotten their hands on one of those cutting-edge, go-fast "motor" boats.

Garrett Eure, 23, of Gainesville, and Jessie Bryant, also 23, of Fort Pierce had been chilling in a safehouse with Eure's girlfriend Cassandra, avoiding arrest for armed burglary and battery by strangulation, among other charges. Somehow they caught wind of the lawman's arrival, and the chase was on, according to the Gainesville Sun:

Using two wooden paddles, the fugitives managed to elude authorities for about five hours before they were caught at the Southwest County Road 141 bridge after a 9-mile journey down the river...

Eure and Bryant suspected that authorities had found them and they ran to the Withlacoochee River, climbed into a canoe and tried to escape, the release said.

Officials used K9s to track the fugitives on foot and then a motorboat to chase and catch the fugitives on the river, the release said.

The small blue canoe the men used was filled with a cooler and several backpacks, said Russell Williams, a freelance photographer who was present during the arrests.

Williams says that as he was snapping pictures of the arrest scene and one of the fugitives was being led away in cuffs, the perp relayed a message to the photographer.

"The nicer looking one, Bryant, told me, 'I hope you got my good side,' " Williams said.

[Photo credits: Madison County (Fla.) Sheriff's Office]

This Is an Average of Every Member of Congress

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This Is an Average of Every Member of Congress

Using Sunlight Labs' collection of congressional portraits, Matthew Skomarovsky created an average of the faces of all members of Congress. (The collection actually consists of 813 photos, though Skomarovsky hasn't sorted through missing or duplicate portraits yet. Still, we think it's a pretty good likeness.)

The image is part of a collaboration between artist Rebecca Lieberman and Skomarovsky, originating from Lieberman's ongoing body of work visually similar imgs, which uses imagery from glitches in Google's "search by image" function.

[image via @skomputer/Twitter]

One Day After Bitcoin Arrest, Winklevii Argue for Fewer Bitcoin Rules

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One Day After Bitcoin Arrest, Winklevii Argue for Fewer Bitcoin Rules

At a panel on virtual currencies held by the New York Department of Financial Services yesterday, Bitcoin investors Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss warned banking supervisors that too many rules would "cripple" the volatile crytocurrency. It seems the twins only like an overzealous legal system when it adds to their bank account.

Just one day earlier, Charlie Shrem, the CEO of a Bitcoin company financed by Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, was arrested for money laundering using Bitcoins on Silk Road. (Shrem's company, BitInstant, was not named in the indictment.) In a statement about the arrest, the brothers distanced themselves from Shrem, and said they "look forward to clearer regulation being implemented on the purchase and sale of bitcoins."

By clearer, they apparently meant invisible. According to the Wall Street Journal, the investors tried to stoke fears of losing Bitcoin jobs overseas:

In the first of two days of hearings held by New York's top banking supervisor on the topic, prominent bitcoin entrepreneurs such as Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss acknowledged potential benefits of setting certain rules on the industry but warned that too much regulation could stall innovation and send jobs overseas. [...]

Regulation "will play the biggest role in bitcoin's forthcoming evolution," Cameron Winklevoss told a panel from the New York Department of Financial Services. He warned that "overregulation could cripple its development."

Regulators were understandably concerned that Shrem, an early advocate and (until this week) vice president of the Bitcoin Foundation, was accused of laundering the currency through a "dark web drug site." But Shrem's backers, who invested through their fund Winklevoss Capital Management, said it was no big deal:

Responding to a question from Benjamin Lawsky, the superintendent of the New York financial-services department, who presided over the hearing, Tyler Winklevoss described the arrest of Mr. Shrem as a "speed bump" for the fledgling industry.

Careful bros, sometimes a little roadblock can cost you.

To contact the author of this post, please email nitasha@gawker.com.

[Image via Associated Press]

Officials say 17 towns in California could run out of water in the next 2-4 months, thanks to endles

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Officials say 17 towns in California could run out of water in the next 2-4 months, thanks to endless drought. Does it seem like the weather's been kind of... I don't know... extreme lately? Maybe it's just our imaginations.

This Is the Williamsburg of Your City: A Map of Hip America

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This Is the Williamsburg of Your City: A Map of Hip America

What is your city's Williamsburg? What's its hippest—or formerly hippest—or sometimes just youngest—neighborhood, the one with the art galleries and the boutiques and the lines for brunch? (And what, for that matter, is its Bushwick, or "Next Williamsburg"?) If you don't know off the top of your head, don't worry. We do, thanks to the collective knowledge of Gawker readers.

A few months ago, we asked you what "the Williamsburg" of your city is. Today, we present to you the results—tabulated and mapped.

Below, you'll find the definitive list of "hip"—or formerly hip and now just rich—neighborhoods in major metropolitan areas in the U.S., Canada, and around the globe. All neighborhoods were nominated as answers to the question "What's the Williamsburg of your city?," and then dutifully recorded and tallied over the next 24 hours by Gawker editorial assistant Sarah Hedgecock (her Williamsburg: Blue Dome).

Disagree? That's fine. Tell us what we got wrong below the post.

You can see a full spreadsheet of results, including vote totals and runners-up, here.

The Williamsburg ofis(and its Bushwick is)
Albany, N.Y.Center Square
Anchorage, AlaskaSpenard
Athens, Ga.Normaltown
Atlanta, Ga.East Atlanta, Little Five Points (tie)East Atlanta, Old Fourth Ward (tie)
Austin, TexasEast SideEast Side
Baltimore, Md.HampdenStation North
Birmingham, Ala.Avondale
Boston, Mass.Jamaica PlainRoslindale, Somerville (tie)
Boulder, Colo.Boulder
Buffalo, N.Y.ElmwoodAllentown
Burbank, Cali.Magnolia ParkSan Fernando Blvd.
Burlington, Vt.Pine StreetOld North End
Charleston, S.C.Park Circle
Charlotte, N.C.NoDa, Plaza Midwood (tie)NoDa, Plaza Midwood (tie)
Chicago, Ill.Wicker ParkPilsen
Cincinnati, OhioNorthside, Over-the-Rhine (tie)Clifton, Northside (tie)
Cleveland, OhioTremontGordon Square, Ohio City (tie)
Columbus, OhioClintonville, German Village (tie)Olde Towne East
Dallas, TexasOak CliffDeep Ellum
Washington, D.C.H StreetPetworth
Denver, Colo.HighlandsBaker, Capitol Hill (tie)
Detroit, Mich.Corktown, Midtown (tie)Hamtramck
Edmonton, Alb.Garneau/Whyte
Fort Worth, TexasFairmount
Gainesville, Fla.Duckpond
Harrisburg, Pa.Downtown, Midtown (tie)
Honolulu, HawaiiKakaako
Houston, TexasMontroseThe Heights
Hudson, N.Y.Warren St.
Indianapolis, Ind.Fountain SquareFountain Square
Kansas City, Mo.Westport
Knoxville, Tenn. Happy Holler
Los Angeles, Cali.Silver LakeEcho Park
Las Vegas, Nev.Fremont St.Arts District
Lincoln, Neb.Haymarket
Louisville, Ky.HighlandsGermantown
Madison, Wisc.Williamson St.
Memphis, Tenn.Cooper-Young, Overton Square, South Main (tie)
Miami, Fla.WynwoodLittle Haiti
Milwaukee, Wisc.East SideBay View
Minneapolis, Minn.UptownNortheast, Uptown, North Loop (tie)
Montreal, Qué.Mile EndMile End
Nashville, Tenn.East NashvilleInglewood, the Nations (tie)
New Haven, Conn.East RockWestville
New Orleans, La.MarignyBywater
Norfolk, Va.Ghent
Oakland, Cali.Piedmont, San Francisco (tie)Fruitvale
Oklahoma City, Okla.Paseo District
Orlando, Fla.Thornton Park
Ottawa, Ont.Centretown, Hintonburg (tie)Hintonburg
Pensacola, Fla.Seville Square
Philadelphia, Pa.Northern LibertiesFishtown
Phoenix, Ariz.Roosevelt RowDowntown
Pittsburgh, Pa.LawrencevilleBloomfield
Portland, Me.Munjoy Hill, West End, East End, Biddeford (tie)Mid City
Portland, Ore. "The Williamsburg of Portland is Portland" North Portland
Providence, R.I.West EndOlneyville
Raleigh, N.C.Boylan Heights, Carrboro (tie)Mordecai
Reno, Nev.Downtown
Richmond, Va.The FanOregon Hill
Salt Lake City, UtahThe Avenues, Sugar House (tie)
San Diego, Cali.North ParkCity Heights
San Francisco, Cali.MissionHunter's Point, Oakland (tie)
San Jose, Cali.Japantown
Saskatoon, Sask.Nutana, Riversdale (tie)Broadway
Seattle, Wash.Capitol HillCentral District
St. Louis, Mo.Central West End, the Grove (tie)The Grove
St. Paul, Minn.Lowertown
Tampa, Fla.SoHo/Hyde Park, Ybor City, Seminole Heights (tie)
Toronto, Ont.West Queen WestThe Junction, Roncesvalles (tie)
Tucson, Ariz.Fourth Ave.Lost Barrio
Tulsa, Okla.Blue Dome/Arts districtsPearl District
Vancouver, B.C.Gastown, Strathcona, Yaletown (tie)The Drive
Barcelona, SpainBornGracia
Berlin, GermanyKreutzberg
Budapest, HungaryGoszdu Udvar
Cambridge, U.K.Mill Rd.
Cape Town, South AfricaWoodstock
Copenhagen, DenmarkNorrebro, Vesterbro (tie)Norrebro
Dublin, IrelandStoneybatterCamden St.
Hong Kong, ChinaSheung Wan
Krakow, PolandKazimierz
London, U.K.DalstonBrixton, Peckham (tie)
Melbourne, AustraliaNorth FitzroyNorthcote
Mexico City, MexicoCondesaRoma
Paris, FranceOberkampfBelleville

Map images by Reuben Fischer-Baum.

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