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The Three Most Vicious Lies About Celery

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The Three Most Vicious Lies About Celery Certain things cannot be borne. There are limits to what the people will put up with from its news outlets, and the Times' recent attempt to trick us all into eating celery goes beyond the confines of human decency.

Celery eater Martha Rose Shulman writes: "I'm a big fan of celery, both raw and cooked, as the main ingredient or as one of several featured ingredients in a dish," and then proceeds to instruct her readers on how to cook and eat the thing, as if celery were capable of being eaten and digested, when everyone knows it just rolls around in the mouth, becoming more and more fibrous, until one is obliged to spit it out in a napkin.

There are only so many vegetables to write about, and deadlines happen every week. We live in a world of limited edible plant matter and unlimited writing assignments. I understand. But there is no excuse for attempting to foist celery recipes upon an unsuspecting public. Telling your readers, "Oh, eat this...it's food. It's good. Put it in your mouth and chew it," is unacceptable. If you have been given celery recipes, keep them to yourself. Suffer in silence; we all have a cross to bear. Even a dog will not eat celery.

Celery Lie #1: "[Y]ou can make a celery salad, slicing the branches as thin as you can get them and tossing them with herbs, radishes, oil and vinegar, and blue cheese."

There is no limit to how thinly you can slice a celery branch; this is an impossible task. Every bitter shred will fray and split in half, like a warped and obscene mockery of mitosis. This is a salad that cannot be made. Your herbs will wilt, your blue cheese will ooze and mold into liquid oblivion, the people you love most will wither and die, and you will still be slicing away at your celery hairs. "They're almost thin enough, now. Almost there." The moon will crumble and disappear. The ages will howl by. Dust will envelop what were once cities, and you will stand in your kitchen alone, slicing eternally.

Celery Lie #2: "If you are cooking with celery, don't stop at one branch when you make soup. The celery contributes a wonderful herbal flavor dimension."

This is a disgusting and shameful falsehood. The celery contributes nothing. If you want an herbal dimension, add an herb. "Don't stop at one branch. Put another branch in. And another. Watch how their frilly, frondlike appendages sway back and forth in the pot. It's almost like you're building a tiny forest. Can you hear them? Can you hear the whispering of the celery? Add another branch. Do it. Just let your mind go blank. Relax. Don't stop now. Another branch."

Celery Lie #3: "It retains its texture for a long time when you cook it, so I used it as the main vegetable in a risotto and loved the way it stood up to the creamy rice."

Celery has two forms: a stiff and watery stalk that splinters into a thousand tangled splinters, or a brown and flaccid, steaming mush-corpse bristling with tender hairs. Creamy rice does not need to be "stood up to," creamy rice is pleasant and inoffensive. Celery tastes like bundles of floss that have achieved sentience through anger and banded together to jam themselves permanently into your teeth.

Celery is an insult to human dignity.

[Image from Devin Rochford]


This Week in Sinister Evolutionary Leaps: Cooperative Spiders

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This Week in Sinister Evolutionary Leaps: Cooperative Spiders Last time in sinister evolutionary leaps: catfish eating pigeons. This time, it's two different spider species working together for mysterious purposes.

A team led by Lena Grinsted of Aarhus University in Denmark...[was] studying a social species of spider called Chikunia nigra, living near Beratan Lake in Bali. Later, as they looked in more detail at their specimens, they realised its genes and genitalia revealed that it was actually two species, according to their findings just published in Naturwissenschaften [a science journal].

The two species appear to live and work cooperatively. While mutually beneficial social interaction within a particular species of spider is not unique, inter-species reciprocity has yet to be observed. "Altruism," the Economist notes, "is not a concept often associated with spiders." Yet.

Exactly what the spiders get out of being social is not clear. They do not hunt together. One explanation may be that the colony is acting like a giant [nursery].

Female spiders who were tending to eggs or young hatchlings were "surprisingly tolerant" when spiders from a different species within the colony ("what would, in most spider species, be a serious threat") was brought into their environment.

These same female spiders were also just attentive and protective of the eggs belonging to the other species as they were of their own. "Your clutch of curled, egg-bound spider babies is my clutch of curled, egg-bound spider babies," they seemed to say cheerily to one another before devouring the world.

No word on whether lead scientist Grinsted has been plagued by strange dreams since the experiments ended - a buzzing in her ears and a thirst in her throat she can't explain, and skittering visions of many-limbed sisters waiting for her whenever she closes her eyes.

"It is as though anthropologists had discovered villages populated both by human beings and chimpanzees," the Economist writes; please submit your spider-themed Planet of the Apes spec script to me by noon tomorrow.

[Picture via Getty Images]

Texas' Charity Anti-Abortion License Plates Benefit Exactly Zero Charities

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Texas' Charity Anti-Abortion License Plates Benefit Exactly Zero Charities In May of 2011, Texas approved the sale of those charming "Choose Life" license plates, featuring precocious, blue-haired crayon kids. Fork $30 over and everyone on the Mixmaster (the best-named highway interchange ever) knows where you stand on abortion. Of that, $22 go to "qualified organizations who provide counseling and material assistance to pregnant women who are considering placing their children for adoption," according to Texas' Vehicle Title and Registration Services.

Except it doesn't. It just sits there, in the office of Attorney General Greg Abbott. That's because no one has gotten around to determining exactly which "qualified organization" should get the $22. Until now, at least. Abbott just announced the "Choose Life Advisory Committee" to choose which organizations get the money from sales of the license plates.

So where will the money be going? To adoption services? To help young mothers who decided against abortion raise their children? No, it will all be going to crisis pregnancy centers, to counsel more women not to get abortions, no matter what the circumstances. The "bipartisan" committee (the lone Democrat is a board member of Democrats for Life of America) includes several members who have worked at or founded crisis pregnancy centers.

Unfortunately, it looks like this charity money will be going to shame women into having more children, rather then helping the ones already here.

[Image via Attorney General Greg Abbott]

You Only Have Four Days Left to Bid on This Rotten Twinkie

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You Only Have Four Days Left to Bid on This Rotten Twinkie

From reader John: a rotten, cling-wrapped Twinkie (a "scientific and historical curiosity") is yours for the bidding, starting at $25, less shipping.

Condition: New: A brand-new, unused, unopened, undamaged item. See the seller's listing for full details

Up for sale today is one (1) semiunwrapped authentic Hostess Twinkie, rotten as hell.

The Twinkie is in a condition of being both wrapped (in cling film) and unwrapped (out of its original packaging). Unfortunately, eBay does not allow for such niceties of distinction in its Conditions dropdown options. From the listing:

Easiest way to do this is to explain my story. I have impluse control issues, and one of them concerns (concerned) Twinkies. To put it bluntly, I love them. Like a dog, I eat them (ate) until I got sick.

So, my wife rarely buys a box for me because she knows what will happen.

Well, last year she took pity on me one movie night, and brought home a box of the creamy goodness in addition to something out of redbox. We pop the corn, dim the lights, and I bust into my box. I inhale the first one, and crack open the second one while watching the movie. Something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye. Inches from my mouth, I actually stop to look at the golden wonder for a second. It is GREEN. Not yellow, green. I turn the lights on to make sure my eyes aren't playing a trick on me.

They aren't. That sumbitch is GREEN. With streaks. My mouth starts tingling. I don't feel so well.

So, I survived, but I wrapped the green twinkie in clingwrap, and then decided I'd write Hostess. Obviously, they wanted it but I said no. They sent me a few weeks later a letter saying hey, guess what. It's not kryptonite, and surprise, they do go bad. Then, they gave me two coupons for free boxes of twinkies.

It was suggested I toss the Twinkie, but I was fascinated. So, like a biology experiment, I've kept it in my completely environmentally controlled top of my refrigerator, where I occasionally check on it to see what it's gonna morph into.

It will morph into a rotten Twinkie. Like all things, it will decay and disintegrate into nothing. You can also perform this experiment at home by selecting any dessert of your choice and exposing it to time and the elements; you can do this for free.

Nightclub Fire in Brazil Kills at Least 232 [UPDATE]

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Nightclub Fire in Brazil Kills at Least 232 [UPDATE] Officials say at least 232 people died in a nightclub fire overnight in Brazil, and that number is expected to climb.

Fire broke out at the Kiss nightclub in Santa Maria around 2:00 a.m. Col. Adilomar Silva, the regional coordinator of civil defense, told reporters the fire started on acoustic insulation inside the club. There was a pyrotechnics show going on at the time, though officials maintain that it's too early to know the cause of the fire.

Nightclub Fire in Brazil Kills at Least 232 [UPDATE]

Most of those killed died of smoke inhalation. Many others were trampled as the crowd, which can reach up to 3,000 on the weekends, desperately tried to escape the burning building. From photos on the club's Facebook page, it appars Kiss was usually very crowded. It's not believed that there were any exit signs inside the popular club.

Brazilian President Dilma Roussef spoke to reporters this morning from Chile, where she is attending a summit. She told CNN she'll head to Santa Maria later today.

"The Brazilian people are the ones who need me today," she said. "I want to tell the people of Santa Maria in this time of sadness that we are all together."

Santa Maria is home to several colleges including the the Federal University of Santa Maria. The nightclub was likely more crowded than usual as this weekend marked the end of summer vacation for many and school resumes tomorrow.

UPDATE: Though reports still vary, officials have lowered the death toll from the original 245 to 232. Officials also believe there were about 2,000 people in the club at the time of the fire, double the club's 1,000-person capacity.

[Images via AP and Facebook]

Turnout for Yesterday's Pro-Gun Control Rally Dwarfed By Yesterday's Anti-Abortion Rally [UPDATE]

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Turnout for Yesterday's Pro-Gun Control Rally Dwarfed By Yesterday's Anti-Abortion Rally [UPDATE] Around 6,000 people showed up to yesterday's gun-control rally in Washington, according to NYMag. Reuters reported a vaguer "thousands," including a group of Newtown, CT residents who were bussed in. The rally was organized by Molly Smith and One Million Moms for Gun Control; similar events were held in other cities across the country.

In San Francisco, about 300 gun-control supporters met at Chrissy Field yesterday in a rally of their own. That same day marked the West Coast Walk for Life, an annual anti-abortion protest that falls on the weekend closest to the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade.

According to the Walk for Life West Coast website, over 50,000 people attended a pro-life demonstration yesterday in front of San Francisco's Civic Center. The local ABC news affiliate counted "more than 40,000" anti-abortion demonstrators in the plaza. From KGO:

Tens of thousands of anti-abortion advocates from all over Northern California joined in the 9th annual "March for Life" rally Saturday.

The procession from Civic Center to Justin Herman Plaza tied up traffic along Market and adjoining streets for about two and a half hours. The marchers' message was very simple — overturn Roe vs. Wade

Civic Center Plaza was filled with more than 40,000 people who came to San Francisco for the annual rally. Pro-life supporters listened to various speakers on this, the 40th anniversary of the passage of Roe vs. Wade, which legalized abortion.

Earlier in the day, about 300 people showed up to the pro-choice rally held at the Justin Herman Plaza, which ended before the March for Life arrived. Two arrests were reported during the Walk for Life; none have been reported for yesterday's rally in DC.

Update: Several fake photos purporting to be aerial shots of the pro-life rallies in DC and SF have been making the rounds on Twitter. Reader Kristen sent us a few:

The image is actually from a protest in France.

The image is actually from Barack Obama's 2009 inauguration.

[Image via AP]

Three Connecticut Cops Put on 'Desk Duty' After Beating Stunned Suspect in Public Park

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Three Connecticut Cops Put on 'Desk Duty' After Beating Stunned Suspect in Public Park Almost two years after beating a stunned and unresponsive suspect in a public park, three Connecticut cops were finally placed on "desk duty" yesterday after footage of the attack had been made public.

The New York Post has identified the officers as Elson Morales, Joseph Lawlor and Clive Higgins, all "10-year veterans of the police force."

Footage from the attack was uploaded to YouTube by user "Nosmo King" on January 6th and has amassed over 32,000 views.

Less than a minute long, the video begins with the victim sprawling down onto the ground, where he remains motionless. The first officer quickly catches up to him and is joined within moments by the second.

The second officer immediately begins kicking the man's prone figure. For a few seconds the camera turns away; when it refocuses on the scene the two officers are bending over the man. After straightening up, the second officer begins kicking him again and at one point lifts his foot to stomp near the man's head.

Toward the end of the video, a squad car pulls up and a third policeman jumps out. He runs over to the man and takes a running kick at his head. The video ends when another police car enters the field.

The victim has not yet been identified.

[Screengrab via Youtube]

Horrifying Images from the Brazilian Nightclub Fire

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Horrifying Images from the Brazilian Nightclub Fire More than 200 people, most of them college-aged, are dead following a fire at a nightclub called Kiss in Brazil.

This is what Kiss looked like before the fire. It's located in the middle of Santa Maria, a city in the southernmost region of Brazil, near the country's borders with Argentina and Uruguay.

[Image via Google Street View]

Horrifying Images from the Brazilian Nightclub Fire This is what the club looks like this morning.

[Image via AP]

Horrifying Images from the Brazilian Nightclub Fire At the time the fire broke out, officials believe there were 2,000 people in Kiss — double the club's 1,000-person capacity.

[Image via AP]

Horrifying Images from the Brazilian Nightclub Fire "The smoke spread very quickly," Aline Santos Silva said. Silva survived the fire and told the GloboNews television network: "Those who were closest to the stage, where the band was playing, had the most difficulty getting out."

[Image via AP]

Horrifying Images from the Brazilian Nightclub Fire Families gather outside the charred club, looking for relatives who were inside when the fire broke out. Many of the dead bodies were found near's the club's exit, as well as in bathrooms.

[Image via AP]

Horrifying Images from the Brazilian Nightclub Fire "It is a scene of horror." - Elizabeth Shimomura, police investigator

[Image via AP]


Was the Front Door Locked at Kiss Nightclub When Deadly Fire Broke Out?

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Was the Front Door Locked at Kiss Nightclub When Deadly Fire Broke Out? One of the reasons this morning's fire at the Kiss nightclub in Santa Maria was so deadly is because the front door was locked at the time the fire broke out, according to Brazilian newspaper Journal O Globo

The newspaper cites Colonel Guido Pedroso de Melo, of the Rio Grande do Sul Fire Department, who claims the club's front door was locked. De Melo also told CNN there were about 2,000 people inside the club when the fire broke out. That is double the club's maximum capacity of 1,000.

De Melo also accused the club's security guards of initially refusing to let people leave the building.

"This overcrowding made it difficult for people to leave, and according to the information we have, the security guards kept people from leaving the building," he said.

That accusation appeared initially in a Brazilian paper, Zero Hora, which claimed survivors told police they'd been stopped from exiting. The reason, they speculated, was because security did not want the 2,000 patrons leaving the building without paying for their drinks.

The fire took most in the club by surprise, contributing to the panic. Luana Santos Silva, a survivor, spoke about her ordeal.

We looked at the ceiling above the stage and it was starting to smoke. It was a friend who showed us. That's when my sister pulled me and we ran.

This morning, many are hoping this tragedy will shed more light on corruption in Brazil. The county has a long history of lax enforcement of public safety codes such as maximum capacities, building codes, public transit maintenance and construction codes.

[Image via Getty]

More than 200 Dead in Brazilian Nightclub Inferno

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More than 200 Dead in Brazilian Nightclub Inferno

Nightclub Fire in Brazil Kills at Least 232

Officials say at least 232 people died in a nightclub fire overnight in Brazil, and that number is expected to climb. More »


More than 200 Dead in Brazilian Nightclub InfernoWas the Front Door Locked at Kiss Nightclub When Deadly Fire Broke Out?

One of the reasons this morning's fire at the Kiss nightclub in Santa Maria was so deadly is because the front door was locked at the time the fire broke out, according to Brazilian newspaper Journal O Globo. More »


More than 200 Dead in Brazilian Nightclub InfernoHorrifying Images from the Brazilian Nightclub Fire

More than 200 people, most of them college-aged, are dead following a fire at a nightclub called Kiss in Brazil. More »


Dallas Police Very Close to Figuring Out What 'Molly' Is

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Dallas Police Very Close to Figuring Out What 'Molly' Is Police officers in Dallas are on the brink of a major breakthrough: they're going to figure out what drug "Molly" is and where you're getting it.

In North Texas and across the country there is a dangerous designer drug. It's not really new, but it's gaining popularity and is being laced through the lyrics of hip-hop music.

The street name for the drug is Molly. It has a long chemical name that's usually shortened to MDMA. Sometimes it's snorted or taken in capsule form. Other times the powder is wrapped in tissue and swallowed.

I will freely admit that my youth was more given over to "riding my bike to friends' houses" and "reading a lot of Timothy Zahn novels" than drug-fueled partygoing, but even I know more about Molly than the average Dallas narcotics officer. Let's take a closer look.

Is Molly a woman? Is she friends with Jay-Z?

When Jay-Z and other rappers reference Molly in their music they mean more than the girl next door. "It's a very dangerous drug that I'm afraid people can die of and have died in the past," said Dr. Stephen Garrison from Caron Treatment Centers.

What is Molly? Is it the same thing as Ecstasy? What about meth?

The street name for the drug is Molly. It has a long chemical name that's usually shortened to MDMA. Sometimes it's snorted or taken in capsule form. Other times the powder is wrapped in tissue and swallowed.

Hmm. That's a lot. Can you confuse the issue for us a little more?

"It's marketed because they want these children to use it. They want them to buy it. They make it seem cool. It's not as dangerous as meth, but it's the exact same drug," said Sgt. Danny, a Dallas police narcotics officer.

So it is meth, but better for you. The same, but different. Neither confounding the Substances; nor dividing the Essence, for there is one Person of Molly, another of Meth, and another of Ecstasy, which is MDMA. But they are all one; the Glory equal, the Majesty coeternal. The Molly uncreated, the Meth uncreated, and the Ecstasy uncreated. And yet they are not three eternals; but one eternal. As also there are not three uncreated; nor three infinites, but one uncreated; and one infinite.

(Meth and MDMA are not the same thing, although MDMA is a derivative of amphetamines.)

What does a Molly user look like?

They [narcotics officers] said at dance parties it is not uncommon to see people in clothes or glasses asking, "Have you seen Molly?"

Watch out for people wearing clothes, watch out for people in glasses. Don't discount the possibility that some of them might be wearing clothes and glasses both, at the same time, just to throw you off. Clothes people. Glasses people. Asking people. Standing, sitting. Legs, too. They've got those. If a person can get Molly, you'd better believe they can get legs. How many? You don't want to know.

Where do people go when they want to talk about Molly?

The officers said Molly is not just being talked about in music. "The same kids that are at the clubs taking it, they are talking about it on Facebook."

"Hello."

"Oh, hello."

"Don't I know you from club?"

"Actually, you know me from music. This is Facebook."

"Oh, I see. Most apologize."

"Please not. Won't you "like" my drugs?"

"Are they Molly?"

"Yes, very Molly. Have you any clothes?"

"Only for glasses."

"Oh, most."

"Good Facebook!"

"Good Facebook to you too."

Are there any more numbers you can give us that might help?

They said some of the girls they see taking the drug are as young as 15.

"Sometimes the clubs shut down at 4 o'clock in the morning and then they'll go to the after party until 6, 7, 8 o'clock in the morning and I don't know what these girls are telling their parents. Maybe that they are at a friend's house or whatever," Detective Mike said.

Some of these 15-year-olds, they were just 14 last year. Who knows what next year will bring. And the mornings? They're full of hours. They go all the way up to 9, 10, even 11. Sometimes further. What would you tell your parents?

Sounds good. Now take us home.

Dallas police have been out everywhere they think the drug is looking for it.

"You is smart. You is kind. You is important," added one of the officers, seemingly confused, before bursting into tears and being led out of the interview. "You is Molly. I am Molly?"

[Picture via Getty Images]

Forgiving The New York Times For This Perfect Wedding Announcement

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Forgiving The New York Times For This Perfect Wedding Announcement There is a great deal to ridicule about the New York Times' "Weddings and Celebrations" section most of the time, and it is right and meet for us to come together and do so.

But every now and again something worthwhile slips through, like today's announcement about the wedding between Ada Bryant, 97, and Robert Haire, 86.

For each perfect and heartbreaking line that celebrates the couple without trivializing or infantilizing the elderly, we will forgive a separate offense.

  • "The bride, 97, is keeping her name. She graduated from Lesley College in Cambridge, Mass...Robert L. Bryant, a Universal Life minister and a son of the bride, officiated at his home."
    The Times is now forgiven for the bizarre "End of Courtship" mess it ran earlier this month.
  • "The bride was a widow and the groom a widower."
    The Times is now forgiven for the 2010 profile of expensive Manhattan ballroom dancing schools that uses the word "elite" three times in the first few paragraphs.
  • "They began going on regular lunch dates and became very close, revealing to each other that both hated going to dinner alone at Country House."
    The Times is now forgiven for attempting to shut down the parody Twitter account "The Times Is On It."
  • "On Jan. 25, 2012, Mr. Haire, a hobbyist poet, slipped a sonnet vowing 'friendship and affection' beneath Mrs. Bryant's apartment door with a note that said 'this represents how I feel in our relationship as a couple." He was afraid to give it to her in person. 'I was desperately trying to strike a balance between too timid or bold. I didn't want to mess things up,' he said about the courtship. 'I can attest that it doesn't get easier even in advanced age.'"
    The Times is now forgiven for reminding us that we will never be able to afford to live in New York.
  • "Jane Bryant Quinn, one of Mrs. Bryant's daughters...recalled speaking with her mother on the phone around this time. 'Her voice was kind of glowing,' she said. 'She loved having someone to talk to again. Since my father died, she just didn't have someone to talk to in the deepest sense.'"
    The Times is now forgiven for writing 1300 gushing words about designer prom dresses and including the sentence "'No one is buying Chanel couture who would normally shop at J. Crew," she said (Ms. Prim was considering a dress from Versace's fall 2010 collection to wear to prom this year, but has to skip the dance for work commitments)."
  • "She explained why she first turned him down. 'There's a great difference in our ages, as you can see,' she said. 'I didn't think it was the thing to do because I don't have that many years ahead of me, but he said, ‘That's all the more reason.' I like him very much. I love him. So we're going to be married.'"
    The Times is now forgiven for its celery-based lies. Go in peace.

    [Picture via Getty Images]

Twitter's Vine is America's Hottest New Porn Search Engine

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Twitter's Vine is America's Hottest New Porn Search Engine The internet and porn: it's a match made in heaven your mom's basement.

Twitter's new sorta-GIF, sorta-video sharing app Vine is really catching on with voyeurs and exhibitionists. Searching #dick or #porn or any other NSFW tag will find you a veritable cornucopia of sexy six-second clips.

Users can flag these clips and if enough people do, Vine will add a content advisory to the beginning of the video, warning of inappropriate content. Twitter has a similar process in place for photos shared on the social networking site.

Twitter's censorship-free stance is well established. It's part of the reason porn stars prefer Twitter to the slightly more popular Facebook. Twitter has repeatedly bent over backwards to maintain a censorship-free space, making sure content that is blocked in some countries is not in others.

And so, it seems, the general public will remain free to flash their uncovered pubic areas, in six second intervals.

The problem, though, is with the Apple app store's notoriously strict quality standards. Whereas Twitter is accessible by computer or text message, Vine's success lives and dies by it remaining available in the app store. If it can't clean up, the almighty Apple could poison the Vine even before it bursts into mainstream success.

BFFs Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton Say Giddy Goodbye on 60 Minutes

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BFFs Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton Say Giddy Goodbye on 60 MinutesTonight on 60 Minutes, with Steve Kroft playing Andy Cohen to Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton's Real Housewives, the president and the secretary of state had the reunion episode of their terrific show Barack Obama's First Term. And boy, were they complimentary of one another:

As on any good reunion show, they discussed the alliances that allowed them win the reality competition:

Obama described why he insisted Clinton become his secretary of state.

"She also was already a world figure," Obama said. "To have somebody who could serve as that effective ambassador in her own right without having to earn her stripes, so to speak, on the international stage, I thought, would be hugely important."

It was a job she initially refused. But Obama kept pushing, Clinton said.

"The one thing he did mention was he basically said: `You know, we've got this major economic crisis that may push us into a depression. I'm not going to be able to do a lot to satisfy the built-up expectations for our role around the world. So you're going to have to get out there and, you know, really represent us while I deal with, you know, the economic catastrophe I inherited."

And they wouldn't talk about another season. Clinton refused to speculate on a possible 2016 run — "You guys in the press are incorrigible," Obama said when Kroft asked — but it was hard not to look at the appearance as a kind of pre-pre-pre-endorsement. Or maybe he really just likes her that much. You can watch the whole interview here.

All of the Lies in This New York Times Story About Nepotism

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All of the Lies in This New York Times Story About NepotismWe'd be remiss if we let this story from the New York Times' weekend Real Estate section pass without taking a moment to remark upon the fact that it is little more than a litany of lies.

The headline: "Being Related to the Family Firm." The premise: that when a child of a family that owns a prominent real estate firm decides to join that firm and enter the real estate business, they are doing something risky or difficult, rather than a standard example of rich kids taking advantage of nepotism (which is, of course, a career advantage, not a hindrance).

The lies:

1. The premise of the story.
2. "'You can't make any mistakes,' said S. Christopher Halstead, at 29 an executive vice president of Halstead Property, a company co-founded by Clark Halstead, his uncle."
3. "'You have to enjoy every minute of it, or you won't get anywhere,' said Michael S. Lorber, 33, a senior vice president of Douglas Elliman Real Estate, a firm co-owned by his father, Howard M. Lorber."
4. "'We don't clock out, so you really have to love what you do,' said Katherine Gale, 26, a great-granddaughter of Daniel Gale, whose eponymous firm on the North Shore of Long Island is now affiliated with Sotheby's International Realty."
5. "It's not an easy job," [Brooklyn real estate firm heir Alexandra] Reddish said, "but it absolutely lets you define your own success."
6. "My father is not big into nepotism."
7. "I understand and always have that there's no such thing as a free lunch in my family."
8. "At least I got my nephew interested, and he's no slouch," Mr. Halstead said. "Any ascension to management is beyond my engineering."

Thank god America is still a place where kids can still pull themselves up into a seat at the family firm by their bootstraps.

[NYT. Photo via]


The Girl Who Ate Her Own Tampon and the Guy Who Ate His Own Shit Join Forces, Form Two-Headed Internet Cerberus

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The Girl Who Ate Her Own Tampon and the Guy Who Ate His Own Shit Join Forces, Form Two-Headed Internet Cerberus

You know the story: Boy films himself eating his own shit mixed with ice cream. Girl films herself sucking out the blood from her own tampon. Boy meets girl. Boy convinces girl to share the limelight. Boy and girl get Facebook married.

It's the classic love story.

Buffalo teen Giovanna Plowman gained international Internet infamy earlier this month after she uploaded a video to Facebook of herself appearing to pull out and then consume her own bloody tampon.

The video was soon ripped and uploaded to LiveLeak and YouTube, but the latter deleted it after a short while citing a terms of service violation (namely, seeking to bring about the end of civilization as we know it).

But, as everyone knows, you can't keep a good bloody-tampon-sucking video down, and Giovanna's infamy continued to expand — not unlike a bloody tampon.

Eventually the 15-year-old's notoriety became big enough to attract the attention of rival "performance artist" Dino Bruscia, another New York teen who gained minor viral success with a video of himself dining on a bowl of ice-cream mixed with his own feces.

"Still trying to overcome the fact a bitch who sends all her nude parts eats a tampon with blood out famed me in 1 day. #fuckisthat #bringit," Dino tweeted last week.

They were married later that day.

Well, kinda: In what some believe was an expedient decision on Dino's part, he and Giovanna decided to join his nearly 25,000 Facebook followers and her nearly 230k Facebook followers in unholy Facebook matrimony.

It's doubtful the two are married in real life, but, either way, they probably won't be a couple for long. It seems Giovanna may have found a third head for their Cerberus:

Who is this bitch who got fucked by a dog and sucked its dick? Trying to out do me sweetie? Dont think so your ratchet as fuck and thats animal cruelty. What i did was gross yea but you just took shit to a whole new level!

[H/T: Uproxx, photos via Facebook]

Mayor Bloomberg to Journalist: 'Look at the Ass On Her'

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Mayor Bloomberg to Journalist: 'Look at the Ass On Her' New York magazine's latest cover story on Christine Quinn, a leading candidate for the New York City mayorship, is worth reading to better understand the sharp, ambitious, lesbian, Democratic city councilwoman who will likely win the city's top political spot later this year. Aside from all that, however, there's also this one part in which the current New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg, tells a bunch of guys at a holiday party to look at some lady's butt.

Here we go (emphasis ours):

Later in the evening, the host interrupted me to point out that the mayor himself had just arrived. Did I want to meet him? Sure. My friend and I followed the host over, shook Bloomberg's hand, and my friend thanked him for his position on gun control. Without even acknowledging the comment, Bloomberg gestured toward a woman in a very tight floor-length gown standing nearby and said, "Look at the ass on her."

Billionaires will be billionaires.

[Image via AP]

The Internet Eats Itself: Porn Stars Reenact Famous Memes

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The Internet is for two things and two things only: Porn and memes. Why, then, did it take this long for someone to put the two together?

No matter, the wait is over: Wood Rocket (NSFW), which is quickly establishing itself as a leader in viral porn content, has launched the most obvious web series of the century.

In the first two episodes of Memes I'd Like to Fuck, Spiegler Girl Veruca James and hipster porn king James Deen reenact their favorite memes: Surprised Kitty and IKEA Monkey, respectively.

More to come, wink wink nudge nudge.

[H/T: Nerdcore]

We've Passed Peak Barnes & Noble

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We've Passed Peak Barnes & NobleThe national book store chain Borders folded in 2011, leaving Barnes & Noble as the undisputed king of Big Huge Chain Bookstores. In that specific industry, B&N has had no competition for the past year and a half. Yet they are preparing to downsize anyhow. The Big Huge Chain Bookstore golden era has passed.

This is not a surprise, of course, what with Amazon and the internet in general threatening to do to the book store industry what it did to the travel agent industry. But the fact that the strongest survivor in the Big Huge Chain Bookstore industry—after more than a year with no competition—could not even manage to maintain its current number of stores is a fairly persuasive sign that the Big Huge Chain Bookstore industry is on a gentle downward slope that will not turn upwards ever again. Take a moment to reminisce upon all the B&N books you dirtied with your grubby hands before not purchasing them. You bear part of the blame for this. From the WSJ:

"In 10 years we'll have 450 to 500 stores," said Mitchell Klipper, chief executive of Barnes & Noble's retail group, in an interview last week. The company operated 689 retail stores as of Jan. 23, along with a separate chain of 674 college stores.

Mr. Klipper said his forecast assumes that the company will close about 20 stores a year over the period.

As recently as 2009, B&N was opening 30 stores per year. In the past five years, we've lived through the very top of the Big Huge Chain Bookstore era, and now we are descending the other side. Sure, book stores will stick around, but your children will never get to experience the real glory days of Barnes & Noble, when you could drive to any little shithole suburb anywhere in this great nation of ours knowing that you'd be able to find a huge warehouse full of books that you could peruse, for free, to your heart's content, secure in the knowledge that nobody would be paying for anything, except the small local book store, which was put out of business long ago.

Oh well.

UPDATE: B&N spokesperson Mary Ellen Keating emails us to add:

"Barnes & Noble has not adjusted its store closing plan whatsoever. The Wall Street Journal article implies that our rate of store closures has changed. We have historically closed approximately 15 stores per year for the past 10 years. Of that number some of the stores are unprofitable while others are relocations to better properties. The numbers reported today by the Wall Street Journal are consistent with analysts' expectations. It should be noted that in 2012, Barnes & Noble opened two new prototype stores and in 2013 plans to test several other prototypes, as well. Barnes & Noble has great real estate in prime locations and the Company's management is fully committed to the retail concept for the long term."

Everyone feel free to purchase Barnes & Noble stock today.

[WSJ. Photo: James Cridland/ Flickr]

One Small Step for a Sad Monkey: The Iranians Say They Shot This Monkey Into Space Today

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One Small Step for a Sad Monkey: The Iranians Say They Shot This Monkey Into Space Today

Iran today claimed it took an important step toward manned space flight by successfully sending a monkey on a sub-orbital flight, and returning him safely to the ground.

One Small Step for a Sad Monkey: The Iranians Say They Shot This Monkey Into Space Today

"This success is the first step towards man conquering the space and it paves the way for other moves," Iran's Defense Minister Ahmad Vahidi told state television.

According to the government's report, a monkey was strapped into a harness and launched in a Pishgam (Pioneer) rocket to an altitude of about 120KM (~75 miles) before returning to Earth "intact."

A previous attempt two years ago either failed or was aborted without explanation.

Despite footage of the Monkey being shown on Iranian television, there has been no independent confirmation of the launch.

Though Iran denies that it is developing long-range rocket technology for the purposes of arming itself with nuclear weapons, the Western world continues to regard Tehran's alleged space program with high levels of suspicion.

[photo via @MahirZeynalov]

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