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Tank Cuts Off Russian Driver In Extremely Russian Dashboard Cam Video

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Here's a video, taken just two days ago, of a Russian driver's commute being interrupted by a tank speeding across the road. Russia!

Many Russian drivers have dashboard cameras running at all times, as that's the only way to prove claims in court due to Russian cops' corruption and insurance company shadiness. This has been a boon to YouTube, as Russia's millions of dashboard cams capture many strange things and harrowing accidents on the country's notoriously ramshackle highways. [via Jason Kottke]


NYC Subway Car Gets Overrun with Panhandlers in Pretty Awesome Prank

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One warm summer evening last year, "Actor/Comedian/Jackass" Gary Lee Mahmoud and a bunch of his fellow urban improvers got together for a "panhandler party" inside a NYC subway car.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if several archetypal subway panhandlers got on at once? No need to grease up your rusty imagination — just press play.

[H/T: Viral Viral Videos]

Hillary Clinton and Our National Chick Threat

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Hillary Clinton and Our National Chick Threat

If you want a clear picture of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's Benghazi testimony before Congress last week, skip the full ordeal on C-SPAN and watch the laborious spin attempt in the aftermath. It was a risible experience, born of incoherence and quickly metastasizing into cheap tropes of feminine wiles. Clinton could only have been more treacherous and deadly if she'd walked into the GOP's office and hired it for $25 per day, plus expenses, to find her missing brother.

Something went wrong with whatever passes for conservative policy these days, and the response was a confused flight to the familiar politics of sexual divisiveness. There might have been big ideas lurking around somewhere, but in the fog of war one can always run to a cheap bit of moral clarity: chicks ruin everything, man.

Clinton's grilling was an intellectually null affair, like a bad baccalaureate examination in reverse, in which the grad student is the only one who's done the reading, while the committee uses questions as a crib sheet. One expected someone to begin a question with, "Give me the Cliff's Notes version, if you will, of that whole embassy murder thing."

Half of Clinton's alleged malfeasance could be described as "things Susan Rice did." Rice went on the Sunday chat shows and said that the Benghazi attack was inspired by a repugnant anti-Islam video on the internet. She was wrong, but taking a best guess when people demand answers hardly confirms a malicious intent to deceive—or, supposedly, to downplay terror threats to undercut the Romney campaign. In any case, indignation at being misled is still a bit rich coming from the sorts of humps who backed whatever nonsense Dick Cheney and a circle of organized Pentagon lobbyists said in unison on those same chat shows.

Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wisc.) in particular fulminated against Clinton's failure to call the Benghazi compound and get the "real" story. If Johnson's aim was to suggest a total failure of security on Clinton's part as Secretary, pointing up the devastation would have done him more favors than thinking Benghazi had a coherent ground assessment and communications structure. Being peeved that Hillary Clinton couldn't get on the America blower and tell someone to patch her through to Smokingcrater-4-5789 only downplays the nightmare of violence done to people and the compound. It also omits embarrassing but galvanizing details—like the fact that people at one point were relying on the private internet communications of a Benghazi State Department worker, SomethingAwful.com moderator, and Eve Online player to figure out what happened when.

The bigger mess came from watching security theater and budget theater slamming into each other like two lineman, without anyone bothering to mention that they are on the same team and that you don't beat the opponent by scrimmaging with yourselves at them. Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) offered the apotheosis of this, apparently in high dudgeon about neglecting the security of Americans in the State Department despite the fact that he called for its budget to be thoroughly gutted.

(Then Paul wandered on to some conspiracy theory about the Benghazi station being a smokescreen for secret arms shipments to Syria. It's an idea that originated from one of those days where Glenn Beck riddles out the gutless Commie threat to the universe by drawing the General Electric org chart on a chalkboard.)

Paul claimed that this was the worst terrorism act since 9/11, which probably seems a bit much to the families of contractors in Iraq who were beheaded or tortured and had their bodies hung in the street. But his melodrama points to a bigger struggle at the heart of GOP theater: namely, that you can't be the party that claims it can make everyone safe, simultaneously, in every aspect of the Global War on Terror and also be the one that refuses to pay for it. This might be a different discussion if Benghazi were the only embassy to ever worry about adding temporary security, but that's a weekly story at points around the globe.

In the last century's pre-Goldwater era, the Republican Party offered a refreshingly intelligent and cohesive foreign policy attitude. Anti-interventionism staked out a position against imperial executive power derived from a permanent military, while also embracing fiscal responsibility. The ability of a president to intervene whenever and wherever he chooses requires an overweening faith in the wisdom of one man while demanding higher tax rates or lower domestic spending.

That Republican Party didn't attend Clinton's hearings. Faced with a president whose military and foreign policy is basically "his predecessor's but with bigger words"—kill lists, expanded drone strike theaters, sanctions on Iran, a "surge," empty finger-wagging at Israel while maintaining all other forms of support and selling them the bunker-busters that Bush denied them—the GOP foreign policy has devolved into "whatever the opposite of what the president is doing." Sadly, "Nuh-uh," is not a credible counter-argument, but this is how you get people who screamed bloody murder about intervention in Libya now screaming bloody murder that we didn't have more resources there. Or people who spent eight years defending the man who was president on 9/11 likening a death toll roughly 1/750th as large to the carnage of that day.

In the absence of coherence, you attack the messenger. John McCain condemned Clinton's testimony as untruthful (without specificity) and claimed that she was let off the hook because "she obviously has an adoring media. She really didn't answer any questions." This is the same John McCain whose entire kitchen glassware set is 32 Meet the Press coffee mugs.

Oddly it was New York Post's headline that summed up the day's events best, running back to the "Hillary is a bitch" well. This was slightly better than Allen West referring to her being hospitalized for a blood clot in her head as "the Benghazi Flu," but it went hand in hand with Johnson insinuating that Clinton's tears at the beginning of her testimony were rehearsed.

This is how the culture war machine works. When you can't score points or are unsure how to try to, you run back to the zero-sum rhetoric that keeps Rush Limbaugh in smuggled Viagra. You didn't look silly by having your opponent be far better versed in the record than you. You got lied to by a bitch. Bitches lie. Their biggest lie of all is tears. They're the reason our dicks are getting smaller. They're gonna cut your balls off for equality.

The next thing you know, they're going to humiliate you by staring at you when you poop. You will be unmanned by their smoky gaze. They will even endanger the nation. And, let's be honest, this is way more interesting than talking about adequate budgetary resources for global security threats to our diplomatic stations or seamlessly developing combat diversity by focusing on task cohesion over social cohesion.

We don't have to have a thoughtful conversation about Americans in Benghazi or Americans in foxholes, because we can derail that conversation into one about the exploitation of one group of Americans by another. The cliff under men's feet is being steadily eroded by tide of salted Jezebel tears shed in bad faith. From the top down, women are ruining proud traditions, like answering questions of grandstanding party hacks or getting shot to death while shitting into a ditch.

[Image via Getty]

Three Arrested in Connection with Brazil Nightclub Fire

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Three Arrested in Connection with Brazil Nightclub Fire Brazilian authorities have arrested three people with ties to the nightclub fire that killed at least 233 people yesterday. They are one of the club's co-owners, the chief of security and a member of the band Gurizada Fandangueira, which was performing when the fire broke out. Police are also apparently searching for Kiss nightclub's other owner as well.

Police insist the arrests are solely for questioning, but a co-owner of Kiss has reportedly confirmed that the club's safety certificate expired last year. If this is true, the club's ownership could be held responsible for the fire, which is the deadliest of its kind since a fire at a club in China killed more than 300 people. It is also the deadliest fire in Brazil in five decades.

This morning Billboard reports Gurizada Fandangueira, which played about once a month at Kiss, was known for its use of pyrotechnics during live performances. YouTube video uploaded last May shows sparks flying as the band performs. All the members of the band except accordion player Danilo Jaques escaped the nightclub.

[Image via AP]

Michelle Says the Destiny's Child Super Bowl Reunion is Off Because She's Busy That Day—LOL, Okay Michelle (UPDATE)

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Michelle Says the Destiny's Child Super Bowl Reunion is Off Because She's Busy That Day—LOL, Okay Michelle (UPDATE)Michelle Williams, the museum gift shop employee who swears she was once a member of Destiny's Child, has denied the group will reunite at the Super Bowl because she's really busy that night LOL OK MICHELLE I THINK YOU CAN GET SOMEONE TO COVER YOUR SHIFT AND IT WON'T BE A PROBLEM.

Speaking to WRUG Media Group, an Internet radio company whose website is straight-up just a WordPress page because that's the level of celebrity Michelle is at right now, Williams awkwardly denied the widely-reported rumor that the group would perform a Destiny's Child medley at Sunday's half-time show.

"That's not confirmed. It is rumoured. I'm gonna be in the musical Fela! I hate to disappoint the people and tell them that it's not true."

Judging from the bad way she lies in the video, it seems pretty clear that Michelle is lying—badly, perhaps so that the reunion can remain kind of a surprise for someone somewhere.

The other possibility is that she's telling her truth: that a Destiny's Child reunion is happening but that Michelle, Nobody's Child, wasn't invited.

I'm so excited for Beyoncé's Super Bowl party. Aren't you, Michelle?

Oh actually I'm really busy that night, I'm in the musical Fela!, a small, off-Broadway production, it's actually taking place in my bedroom, I'm singing all the parts, plus I've got like 4 episodes of The Mindy Project DVR'd, so yeah, I'm actually real busy that night so even if I was invited, and I'm not saying that I wasn't, but like even if I was I probably definitely am too busy to make it.

Many people will no doubt be disappointed to learn that their favorite member of the group will not be present, however that's incorrect because it's already been confirmed that Beyoncé Knowles-Carter will be there.

UPDATE: As a commenter pointed out, the Fela! website says specifically that Michelle will not appear in the show in the days up to and including the Super Bowl. (Jan 31 - Feb 3). So now the whole school knows you don't have plans that night, Michelle. You look like a huge dork in front of your crush.

[WRUG Media / h/t ONTD // Image via Getty]

Police on the Hunt for Marijuana Thief Put Out Incredible Sketch of Likely Culprit

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Police on the Hunt for Marijuana Thief Put Out Incredible Sketch of Likely Culprit

Have you seen this mouse?

After three marijuana bags were ripped open inside their property and evidence facility and several "nuggets of evidence" went missing, the Wichita Police Department held a press conference to assure the public the suspect's apprehension was nigh.

Police on the Hunt for Marijuana Thief Put Out Incredible Sketch of Likely Culprit

They even brought along a sketch artist's rendition of what the culprit: A white male, around six inches tall, answers to the name "Mickey."

That's right: According to Lt. Doug Nolte, the marijuana was likely stolen by mice that have made the facility their home.

"It is not that uncommon," he told reporters. "Marijuana being an organic material has a very strong odor that would attract animals such as mice."

Nolte said exterminators have been called, and the police will do everything in their power to bring the rodents to justice.

[H/T: The World's Best Ever, photos via @goseabrook]

Here Is a Woman Who Eats Cat Hair Right Off Her Cat

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Here Is a Woman Who Eats Cat Hair Right Off Her CatIt was inevitable that Lisa would one day end up on the Internet, with her unique spin on what it means to be a crazy cat lady. She is like light to the dark of that Hoarders subject who kept her dead cats in the fridge. Lisa eats cat hair. She finds it all over her apartment, which must be as wonderful and fuzzy as finding chewed gum all over your apartment if you are a regular person who doesn't eat cat hair. She prefers it from the source, though: "The best ones are right off the cat," she explains. Freshness is key, obviously.

Lisa has been made to talk all about her taste for cat hair by being profiled by TLC's My Strange Addiction, the apotheosis of that channel's lighter-side-of-freakishness programming ethic. Lisa describes the "comforting feeling" of chewing on cat hair and while she says that stroking her cat with her tongue is a bonding experience, she and her cat aren't going all the way — Lisa explains, "I'm not lickin' her butt." Yet.

With Dying Breath, Brazilian Nightclub Fire Victim Posts One Final Facebook Update: 'Help'

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With Dying Breath, Brazilian Nightclub Fire Victim Posts One Final Facebook Update: 'Help'

One of the many university students who perished in Sunday's horrific nightclub fire in Santa Maria, Brazil, managed to post one last Facebook status update asking her friends for help, before succumbing to the inferno.

"Fire at KISS help," wrote 20-year-old Michele Cardoso, a medical student who was at the Boate Kiss nightclub along with her sister Clarissa, her boyfriend João Paulo Pozzobon, and dozens of local undergrads from the Federal University of Santa Maria.

The post was published to her Facebook page some 50 minutes after the fire was reportedly ignited. By dawn, she, her sister, her boyfriend, and over 230 others would be listed among the dead.

"I never imagined that it was serious when I first saw her asking for help on Facebook in the early hours, until I woke up with a message from my mum telling me what had happened," one of Michele's friends wrote on her wall.

According to local authorities, the soundproofing foam in the nightclub's ceiling was ignited by fireworks set off by the live entertainment.

Many of the victims died of smoke inhalation inside the club's bathrooms, where investigators believe patrons ended up after mistaking them for exits.

Three people have been arrested in connection with the fire, including one of the club's owners and the band's lead singer. Early reports claimed the club had its safety documents in order, but new testimony suggests that might not be the case.

[image via Facebook via R7, Globo]


Boy Scouts of America Reportedly Plans to Lift its Ban on Gay Members

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Boy Scouts of America Reportedly Plans to Lift its Ban on Gay Members The Boy Scouts of America may be close to ending its long-standing policy banning gay scouts or scout leaders, according to NBC News. The rumors are swirling ahead of a meeting of the Boy Scouts' national board set for next week.

For decades the Boy Scouts have banned gay members, going so far as to keep a list of suspected gay members in its infamous "perversion files." A lawsuit over the ban went all the way to Supreme Court, which upheld the BSA's right to ban gay members.

According to anonymous "scouting officials," should the ban be lifted, it would then be left to each individual troop to create its own membership guidelines. Only seven months ago, the BSA decided it would keep the ban in place, following a two-year review of the policy. NBC's anonymous source says this new consideration comes from pressure by individual troops.

"We're a grassroots organization. This is a response to what's happening at the local level," the official said.

While this rhetoric about "grassroots organization" and "local level" is nice, it has nothing to do with what's really going on here. The BSA's consideration of putting an end to its ban on gay members is, like everything, a financial one: several organizations, including the UPS, have recently decided to pull funding of the BSA due to its discriminatory practices. Lifting the ban is just a means of self-preservation.

It's unclear when the announcement of the policy change will be made, but could be as early as the national board's meeting next week.

Monstrous Australian Sea Foam Gives Birth to Car That Nearly Runs Over Two Cops

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While standing around appreciating the sight of shoulder-height sea foam stretching across Australia's eastern coast, two traffic cops get the surprise of their nearly extinguished lives when a car suddenly appears from beneath the fluff and barely misses running them over.

Queensland's Gold and Sunshine coasts have been dealing with intense flooding and large amounts of sea foam caused by a tropical cyclone that struck last week.

Air that was forced into the water by strong waves caused by cyclone Oswald produced coastal froth that extended well beyond the shore.

[H/T: HyperVocal]

Proud Dad Hulk Hogan Tweets Photo of Daughter's Legs and Part of Her Ass [UPDATE: Brooke Responds]

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Proud Dad Hulk Hogan Tweets Photo of Daughter's Legs and Part of Her Ass [UPDATE: Brooke Responds]

Gawker reader Hulk Hogan has a well-documented history of expressing his appreciation for daughter Brooke's physique by eyebrow-raising means, but did he take it a step too far yesterday when he tweeted a photo of Brooke's legs entitled, simply, "Brooke's legs"?

Proud Dad Hulk Hogan Tweets Photo of Daughter's Legs and Part of Her Ass [UPDATE: Brooke Responds]

Many of his followers seem to think so.

"You guys' relationship is disgusting," opined Twitter user J I Λ. "That shit is just weird." (For the record, Brooke denied being in "some perverted relationship" with her dad back in 2011.)

It's quite possible Hogan is simply proud of his daughter, as he was when he retweeted a fellow who claimed to have gone "balls deep" into Brooke.

The photo in question has since been removed from Lockerz.com, where it was being hosted, but the tweet itself remains live, so it's unclear if Hogan was attempting to scrub the post and failed, or if it was removed for violating Lockerz' terms of service banning excessively creepy content.

UPDATE: Reacting this morning to comments made on Twitter and elsewhere concerning her dad's tweet, Brooke Hogan issued this response: "A dad can't even be proud of his daughter without sickos makin it something it's not. Really?? Go back to your farm animals. #ignorant"

[screengrab via Twitter]

Unemployment Stories, Vol. 24: 'It Takes Away Your Pride, Your Hope, Your Faith'

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Unemployment Stories, Vol. 24: 'It Takes Away Your Pride, Your Hope, Your Faith'New unemployment claims are down, and the stock market is once again approaching peak levels. It's an easy time to forget that more than 12 million Americans are officially unemployed. Each week, we bring you true stories of unemployment, straight from the unemployed themselves. This is what's happening out there.

The father

My story of long term unemployment is a journey of madness so far. I will not divulge every detail, but hope to let people know how hard it is to be unemployed in the USA today.

It started(in 2008)when I was in a mass layoff working (electrical assembler/solderer)for a semiconductor technology company in Montana. I had worked there around 5 years and never had trouble finding work earlier in life, when needed. I am not choosy in what work I do, I just want to take care of my children and pursue a decent, honest life. Back in 2008, there was a mass amount of layoffs in the not so populated region of Northwest Montana. Needless to say, it affected the local economy and the unemployment rate skyrocketed. Many people were left out in the cold, literally. Thankfully, my wife had a decent job and we had roommates to help pay bills. I also got unemployment for almost a year. For two years, I looked for work, with no results. I and my wife ended up just pursuing our dream of playing music (funny thing is, we are a semi-recognized band, starving artists no less...). We were able to with small success, get by financially doing a few shows a month and my wife still worked. for a few years

Although we got by, I still felt demoralized. I was pretty much a stay at home father for our young son. I still applied for jobs and got the occasional interview, but nothing so far. For men in general, it is not easy being the stay at home parent. Most people look down on couples that have a woman as the more successful one. I enjoyed the time with my son though, it created an unbreakable bond with him. After a while, that stress and my wife's alcohol problems resulted in me and my wife separating for a bit in 2010. We reconciled soon after and moved to Missouri, with my mom because our separation caused us to be homeless. Soon after, I found work working at an retirement home in the kitchen. I did not mind the work and liked mingling with the senior folks, very nice people. But, my wife could not find work. After three months, my own mother kicked us and our four year old son out. Long story, but my mom has never been the most caring parent, so no real surprise in the end.

So, back to Montana we go. Which ended in disaster again. We stayed at my wife's grandmothers when we returned. Then my wife's inheritance-vulturing brother kicked us out for no good reason. Just a note left on the wall, saying to "get out in three days". Another long story. We were in a panic.

We did what we thought was best. I was even willing to split with my wife to let her stay with her dad nearby. but he refused to let her stay, but said our son can stay. So we agreed to let our son stay with him until we get back on our feet eventually.

But, how to get back on our feet. It was the beginning of winter. Nothing left but me, my wife and my car with no heater and sub-zero temperatures. For all who don't know. There are NO social safety nets, welfare or any help for homeless families with children. Though the state has a perpetual budget surplus...(that's another story)

In desperation I thought of a survival plan.I had grown up in Bakersfield, California and have some extended family in California. On a whim, me and my wife drove to Los Angeles, knowing only one friend there(who had no room for us). We stayed and slept, homeless for a few months in my little car. It was a demoralizing and horrible experience. It is, unfortunately my second battle with homelessness. I was also homeless from late 200 to early 2002 and periods of my childhood. I could not believe I had descended this far down again. I seem to have the most rotten luck, even when I have good intentions...

Me and my wife relied on each other for support to get through. We did not start doing drugs or drinking heavily. We maintained the focus of getting our son back and kept to ourselves for support. With our young son 1000 miles away, it was very hard and quite depressing for us. The hope of getting him back was keeping us going.

After a few months, in February 2012, my grandparents(who I had not seen in 20 years, very nice people)nearby said we could stay on their floor. Me and my wife were very thankful for their offer and accepted. We stayed on their floor for a while. My wife found work after a few months and we saved up to get a cheap apartment(for California). We are barely scraping by on what she makes and eat very little. Times are still very tough.

I am very thankful to not be homeless now. But I am still very hopeless, when it comes to finding work. I have been searching, hundreds of applications, dozens of interviews, for nothing so far. My wife has also become pregnant and about to have the baby. I am proud, but also very scared and depressed. I feel worthless, with my wife doing all the work. Me, just floundering at job searching and being a housewife of sorts. We are still hoping to get our son back soon to. We do not have finances to get him down here and make arrangements yet.

We are excited for the new baby, but depressed about missing our first son. We even made the decision, early on to put the baby up for adoption if we were still homeless when she was born. I am very glad we did not have to make that horrible choice. We have a lot of love, if not money for our children. They mean the world to us and we want to succeed for their sakes. It hurts me to see my wife tear up at the site of our sons photographs. We miss him so much and he misses us. We contact and talk to him regularly, which helps.

I have applied for everything I can think of. Its not easy, coming to a new town and job hunting. I don't know what to do. The job listings get less and less. Nothing new for weeks on job sites. Temporary services have nothing. Fast food has no response for someone experienced in electrical assembly. It all seems hopeless. I think of suicide on a regular basis. If not for my wife and children, I would surely just give up.

In the meantime, I am tired of people looking down on me for being unemployed. I still have people who have no clue how hard it really is just say "get a job". And put me down because my pregnant wife is working and I don't. I actually almost had a job as a delivery driver. But, a reinstatement fee for my drivers license which I cannot afford stopped me from transferring my drivers license. Takes money to even get a job, which I don't have. I thought of going back to school, but cannot afford to even think of taking the GED test right now. Lack of any cash or help is an effective barrier...

I miss having a job and being productive. I still wake early and keep working hours. I drive around and look with envious stares at people doing landscape or carwash work. (How pathetic am I? To be envious and almost stew with anger at minimum wage workers, wishing to be among their ranks...). All pride and self esteem are at all time lows for me. I have been suffering from panic attacks as of late. I pass the time job hunting and recording/promoting our music on the computer. We are actually still hoping to pursue music again after a while too. Just need to get our family back in order. Music right now, helps me get though. An outlet for my pain.

I was once someone who was proud, productive and had hope. I played on stages for years to crowds of people. Now I am nothing and nobody. I hang my head in shame and wonder how to provide for my children.

The at-will employee

I graduated college in 2006 and for the first couple of years after I got out of school my life was (mostly) fine. I had a job, my car was paid in full, and I didn't have student loans thanks to scholarships that made my private university education possible. By the summer of 2008, work was too stressful for not enough pay, so I had started sending out resumés. Between my exasperating days at work, a mild depression over a failed relationship from the beginning of that year, and advice to "seize the day" and "trust that the universe has a plan" I decided to quit my job, after a very promising interview. I knew it was a bad idea to leave without having something to fall back on, but they told me I was their top pick, they wanted to make their decision in a week to 10 days. As best I remember it, 4 days later some big banks collapsed and every job prospect I had dried up. Needless to say, that great interview I pinned my hopes to didn't pan out. The official response was that the company decided to suspend their planned expansion and they'd keep my resume on file should the economy pick back up.

To make a long story short, that was the start of over two years of unemployment. It was the worst time in my life, thus far. Every day I fear what will happen if I ever have to relive it. Because I had quit, I wasn't eligible for unemployment benefits, my rent increased, the cost of food was rising as the financial crisis spread globally, and I had the added cost of paying for health care out of pocket. I saved money every way I could: eating only one meal a day (sleeping in every day plus lack of activity meant a loss of appetite); no more going out with friends; showering only on days I left the house to save on water and shampoo; computer time was restricted to job applications and resume tweaks to save on electricity. If I may not have been diagnosed clinically depressed, but all my behavior certainly matched the symptoms.

I cashed out CDs, sold stocks, and all but emptied my savings account to pay the bills. I know that I was one of the lucky ones, I had savings and CDs, and even a few shares of stock that I could sell. Whenever I went home for a Thanksgiving, or relative's wedding, or birthday or whatever, I felt like a failure. If the shame of telling someone you're "between jobs" isn't bad enough, imagine it multiplied by every family member and friend you haven't seen for the past 5 years all in the same night. They're so happy to see you because it's been so long; they can't imagine it's been that long because you can't bear to face them. One Thanksgiving I had to ask my younger sister to arrive before me and tell all my aunts/uncles/cousins etc. not to ask me about work because I was afraid I'd have a breakdown in front of everyone.

Eventually I went from being unemployed to merely underemployed, working from home as an hourly employee for a consultant. The pay was great, the commute was the easiest in the city, but I spent countless days sitting in front of my computer, waiting for an email from my boss or his client saying I could work that day. If they said they'd email me, I would wait at the computer from 8 to 6, never leaving, even if it was just for an hour of work. If the promised email didn't come, I wouldn't leave until it did, sometimes as many as 4 days later. Eventually the client decided they would rather do the work in-house to save cost. This time, I was only out of work a few months before finally securing something full-time.

One would think that getting a job would mean an end to the stress (or at least a sizable reduction in stress) but it's not that easy. I'm an "at-will" employee, which means they don't have to have any reason to get rid of me, and that knowledge means I can never relax. Every morning I dread going to work because I'm afraid it's the day I get fired. Every time my boss tells me he wants to talk in the conference room, I have a mini-panic attack. Every time I miss something while alphabetizing or don't color-code another thing, I worry she'll get rid of me.

There's so much I want to say about being out of work, so people who haven't experienced it might start to understand. Depression is pretty much unavoidable, and after the first year suicide becomes a logical, practical option. Most of the "advice" friends and family give you will range from useless to insulting. Telling someone who is either "overqualified" or has too long/many "gaps in work history" they should "do what they love" is ridiculous. After the first month, once the novelty of not having to wake up early has worn off, the thing you love is anything that makes you feel like a productive member of society. Saying "everything happens for a reason," or "God has a plan," or "put your trust in the universe" sounds less like a platitude and more like an insult. To the unemployed, that advice implies that we are/were destined to suffer, and you're fated to succeed effortlessly.

The real takeaway is that prolonged unemployment changes you. It takes away your pride, your hope, your faith, and maybe most fundamentally your sense of self. In our culture, one of the first things you ask someone is "what do you do," even most of these entries identify people my what they did or studied. To not have an answer is like an affirmation of your own worthlessness, it's dehumanizing. That's what makes it possible for depression to creep in, for suicide to seem reasonable, and for the stress to seem unending.

Veteran, lawyer, dad, unemployed

I'm 40. Just got my J.D. in 2011, passed the SC Bar first go. This is my third career, after Aerospace Maintenance (got our when the airline business model tanked after 9/11) and IT. I've opened a virtual (ie, no overhead) solo practice because no one else will hire me. While having my own business sounds nice, I'm probably going to gross only about $4000 this year. We don't make enough to meet our budget and our credit and savings are almost out. I owe a quarter million in student loans. We've moved to a smaller (rented) house, scrimped, minimized our consumer debt for stuff like phones and cars and TV and such, but we're going to run out of resources this year. If it was just my wife and I, we could find a way, we could eat ramen for a few years. In theory, we could live apart and I could work where the jobs are; I could take a contract and work overseas - Xe, or many of their competitors. But we have an infant daughter, and that changes everything.

Sounds not too bad, right? Well, here's the reality: I've applied for more than 1100 jobs since I graduated in May 2011, legal and anything else I might be remotely qualified for. Pay scales from $20 grand to six figures. Nothing - not a peep. Never had an interview. Not a callback. Only a few rejection letters - just got one recently (September) for a job I applied for last December. It is like I do not exist. I am shouting in a vacuum.

So I've got a solid BS in business and info systems, JD and bar membership, aerospace background, 13 year USAF veteran with management experience both inside and outside the military. I have international experience in Asia (mostly business and education in Japan), have traveled extensively thanks to being a cargo plane mechanic, I get a veteran's preference on fed and state jobs for being mildly disabled (going deaf). Hell, I got the undergraduate version of a Fulbright scholarship (a Gilman). When I was in Law School, and looking at my peers whose previous experience was usually something like waitressing or summer camp counseloring, I thought I'd be fine in the employment area. I could always go back to one of my earlier careers, right? Even better, rolling all my experience into one job. Or so I thought.

At first, it was merely frustrating. I was sending out about two dozen resumes a week for posted job openings anywhere within sane commuting distance. I figured I had good credentials, good experience, and a good resume - had it worked over by 4-5 different career services. The VA guys told me I had a better resume than they all did. The suspicion that my resume was getting tossed either because it wasn't believable, or because I fell in a black hole of not having enough law experience and having too much education for anything else began to grow. Now I'm certain of it. If I leave off my law degree, I've got to explain a 4 year gap in employment. If I put it in, I'm not considered for anything not a legal job, and even entry-level legal stuff wants 2-5 years of litigation experience. Now, I've given up. I recognize that what I am is surplus to the new economy, that this situation will only worsen, and no one will ever hire me again.

That realization turned frustration into despondence. I went from having the military discipline and drive that gave me the confidence to tackle anything, that had led me to greater and greater successes prior to law school, to the knowledge that I wasn't good enough for anything, that not only had I educated myself out of the job market but by doing so on student loans I had put my family at risk as well. Every day is a struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. Most days that reason is to take care of my daughter - but as a first-time dad at 40, I feel incompetent at that as well. I spend way too much time wondering if my wife and kid would be better off by themselves.

The funny thing is, before I joined the USAF I was actually homeless. I lived in a tent in the mountains, killed my own dinner, and I was happier then. Colder, but happier.

I don't want a handout. I don't want the government to step in and help me (unless they want to tackle my student loans, in which case go US government). At this point I don't even want a small business loan anymore - no one will loan you money if you don't have a house they can take. I just want enough paying clients to keep our lights on.

SCAttorney/IT Guy/Airplane Mechanic... someday.

The therapist

I have a Master's degree from Columbia University. Before this period of unemployment, I had never gone more than a few weeks without working. Ever. Since I began working in my teens. I'm 32 now, supposedly in the prime of my earning years.

I got married at the end of 2011 and my new husband got a job in California, so we moved there early this year (from the East Coast). I knew it would be hard, but it shouldn't be this hard. I quit the job I'd had for three years to make the move, thinking that I could find a similar position in CA. I started networking before the move so that I would be all set once we arrived. When we first got here, I had a few interviews, but quickly discovered that most of the similar work here required specific knowledge about CA that I didn't have (or at least that's what they told me). In one interview they told me that they got over 1,000 applications, but only brought in six people to interview. Six. Talk about competitive. I've never faced so much rejection. A few months went by and I got fewer and fewer interviews, so I decided that the time was right to follow my dreams and make a career change.

I'm working on getting licensed to become a clinical therapist (perhaps with a specialty in helping people through times of unemployment). Through my alum association, I found a mentor who'd made a similar shift. I have done about 75 informational interviews. I got a part-time internship two hours drive from here, I'm a volunteer mentor for an at-risk youth in the area, I am teaching a class on mindfulness and meditation (volunteer) and taking a professional development class. I'm getting involved with every professional organization I can find, going to trainings and lectures. I'm not lazy. I'm working my butt off in the hopes that one of these volunteer gigs turns into steady work. I do not feel entitled or like a victim. I just feel tired and frustrated.

This period has been incredibly stressful for me and my new husband. We want to start thinking about growing our family, but we can't do that until I'm bringing in some steady income. I'm now competing for unpaid work to earn clinical hours toward my license. It's incredible how competitive even that is.

You've just gotta keep trying. At least that's what I tell myself. Something will work out. I hope.

It could be worse

I graduated in 2011 with a BFA degree in Art History and Studio Arts. I felt truly fortunate to have studied fine arts and art history in high school. I thought that by staying on my path and focused on my artistic career goals, everything would eventually pay off. It really was a dream that I believed and worked hard to achieve. I was always very academically motivated and despite coming from a family that lived below poverty level throughout most of my early years and being raised by a single parent, I was accepted into a scholarship program for underprivileged youth that funded my private high school arts education. It was a great experience that really prepared me for most fine arts college programs. When I applied to colleges, I was awarded scholarships and grants and was eager to move forward with my life. Even though I struggled throughout college financially (at times actually not having money for food, for books, and paying tuition) I held on. Each year, I watched other students drop out because they could not afford to stay. I told myself I could not do that, that I was willing to do whatever it takes to stick with it and see that I get my degree. This was more important than anything else. I did work study, internships in graphic design and public relations, took jobs every summer and saved. There were times where I was working so much that my grades began to slip but I somehow had the energy to push through any and all obstacles I faced. I told myself towards the end of my senior year "You are going to get a job, any job so that you will never have to go back to the life you knew growing up." While working and writing my thesis, I sent out resumes and landed a few job interviews. All were unsuccessful. Even with internship and work experience, it was not enough. My degree was not enough, and my hard work of getting that degree was not enough. Time was escaping and after graduation, I found myself packing my bags, leaving my dorm room in New York and moving back home to my childhood neighborhood in Chicago.

At first I told myself "Okay. You've gotten through so much in your life already, growing up in poverty by a single parent, getting through high school and college on scholarships and a prayer, managed to do well in classes, internship opportunities, and jobs. You faced a lot of adversity and you can get through this. Life could be worse." Within a week of being home I sent out thousands of resumes for jobs, went on more interviews, crashed with friends in New York to go on out of town interviews, did a number of phone interviews, all to my dismay: nothing.

I have been unemployed since graduation. I have found myself in a very deep, crippling depression for quite a long time now. I no longer feel able to keep pushing, no longer able to get through it. My depression has gotten increasingly worse. I have not gone out with nearly anyone in many months. I avoid social gatherings, rarely return phone calls, take little joy in quick errands out. I've found a few paid telemarketing and research studies sporadically. My mother has been surprisingly supportive, in spite of the occasional fight/ what are you doing with your life argument. She realizes how depressed I have become about my situation and how disappointed I am with myself. I know that her patience will wear thin soon and I find myself now not being able to sleep at night, stressed all of the time and wondering if I might one day end up on the streets destitute without a home because I have not found work to support myself. I have lost all control and hope really.

I have not had health insurance since college (not that I really had insurance before...) and I have developed a mysterious skin rash that really should be checked (likely due to stress) but I am lucky to be healthy otherwise. My loans are in deferment right now (I only have federal loans luckily because of so many hard earned scholarships and need based funding I received). I am heartbroken, distraught, suicidal at times, lost, terrified over my future right now. I wonder every day if working so hard and putting so much energy into my young life on getting my degree was really worth it. My mother dropped out of college in her first year and had me shortly after. It was so important to me to see it through, to accomplish that goal and make her proud that I did not give up. It was all an illusion that I chased and chased after. It hurts so much to even think about how crushed and crumbled that dream has become now. The biggest regret of all is that I am right where I started, as if I had not made any strides towards something better. I was not even given a chance by anyone to prove myself. In all of that frustration of getting my degree, I just somehow did not give thought to the fact that I might not be given that chance of a decent job. I was so focused on getting to that point that I did not see the long way down.
Despite this, I still manage to say every now and then that life could be worse. And it could be. It very well could be.....

Previously
The full archive of our "Unemployment Stories" series can be found here.

[Thanks to everyone who wrote in. You can send your own unemployment story here.]

Oh My God, the Soon-to-Be Queen of the Netherlands Looks Exactly Like Britney Spears

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Oh My God, the Soon-to-Be Queen of the Netherlands Looks Exactly Like Britney SpearsOn April 30, the Netherlands will crown its first king in over one hundred years.

More importantly, the future queen looks EXACTLY LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS.

Finally: A Brit on the throne.

The Netherlands' reining queen, Beatrix, who turns 75 on January 31st, announced Monday that she would abdicate the throne to her son, Prince Willem-Alexander, this spring, so that the crown could to pass to "a new generation."

Willem-Alexander, is 45. His wife, Britney Spears, is 41. The couple have three young daughters.

In a country where Parliament must approve of the spouses of heirs, Willem-Alexander's 2001 engagement to Britney Spears proved controversial.

Britney Spears' father, Jorge Zorreguieta, was an agricultural minister in Argentina under the brutal military dictatorship that killed more than 7,000 people in the seventies and eighties.

So desperate was Prince Willem-Alexander to marry Britney Spears, that he vowed to renounce his title in order to fill the comically oversized sneaker slippers left vacant by Jason Alexander and Kevin Federline. In the end, Britney Spears' father swore in writing that he would not attend his daughter's wedding, and the marriage was approved.

Although abroad, Britney Spears goes by the name "Princess Máxima of the Netherlands," it will no doubt be obvious to all who observe the nervous smile, stretched tight and tense across her face, the thick eyeliner, applied with the heavy hand of a woman who Can Do It Myself, Felicia, and the perennial California tan, against which her blonde dye-job pops, that this is, in fact, the Princess of Pop.

I mean, look at this ratty hat hair:
Oh My God, the Soon-to-Be Queen of the Netherlands Looks Exactly Like Britney Spears

Tell me that's not Brit.

[BBC // Images via Getty]

We Need Fewer College Graduates

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We Need Fewer College GraduatesRaising the percentage of Americans who have college degrees is a major component of the Obama administration's education goals. It's a policy that can swing many billions of dollars towards the higher education industry—an industry that is growing every more conscious of the fact that its financial foundation is not solid. "Promoting higher education" sounds like a good cause, in the abstract. But it may be a huge waste of money.

A new report from the Center for College Affordability and Productivity points out that, technically speaking, a whole lot of bachelor's degrees are going to waste in the job market.

About 48 percent of employed U.S. college graduates are in jobs that the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) suggests requires less than a four-year college education. Eleven percent of employed college graduates are in occupations requiring more than a high-school diploma but less than a bachelor's, and 37 percent are in occupations requiring no more than a high-school diploma...

Past and projected future growth in college enrollments and the number of graduates exceeds the actual or projected growth in high-skilled jobs, explaining the development of the underemployment problem and its probable worsening in future years.

So, at a time when our collective student debt level is dangerously high, when nearly half of college graduates are not in jobs that require their college degrees, we are actively, as a matter of government policy, trying to raise the percentage of Americans who get college degrees—even though the supply of college grads is already projected to exceed the supply of jobs that might require a college degree.

This naturally raises the question: why the fuck would we be encouraging more people to get college degrees? It sounds like we should be encouraging fewer people to get college degrees.

Education is good. And going to college is nice. But sending millions upon millions of our young people to college comes with a cost: a huge financial cost to the public that subsidizes those degrees, and a huge financial cost to the students themselves, in the form of student loans. (There is also the opportunity cost of all those kids spending those years in college when they could be doing something else more productive.) Having spent billions upon billions of dollars getting all these extra college degrees, the graduates find that when they leave school, they are forced to get the same jobs that they could have gotten without a college degree. At best, we are simply inflating the resume requirements for menial jobs; at worst, we are pursuing a woefully misguided policy that expends great effort and financial resources producing a bunch of indebted graduates that no one has a productive use for. It amounts to a pointless government subsidy to the higher education industry. It also displays an irrational fetish for credentialism. If the government wants to invest in public education, there are many more economical ways—free online classes, more funding for libraries—than funneling more students towards unnecessary bachelor's degrees.

Would it be nice for every high school graduate to get a college degree? Sure. It would also be nice for every high school graduate to take a year off and travel around the world, to expand their horizons, at no cost to themselves. But you don't see a massive public movement to subsidize such a program, even though you could make the same arguments for its benefits to the minds and souls of young people as you could make for going to college.

College is not magic. It is a system of education that costs money, and it exists based on the assumption that that education will ultimately pay for itself on the back end. If it becomes abundantly clear that such extended periods of schooling do not pay for themselves, and that they are, on balance, detrimental, what with their penchant for locking wide-eyed idealistic young grads in prisons of inescapable debt, then we should not be promoting it as a matter of policy! Do not fall prey to all these silver-tongued college administrators! They've spent decades honing their crafty rhetorical tricks!

Going to college is great, assuming you put your degree to use one way or another. (Going to college just for fun, or just for the sake of reveling in the beauty of knowledge, is also great, but it is a luxury, and like any luxury, it goes only to those who can afford it. We do not as a matter of course recommend that people ruin their financial futures in order to indulge in momentary luxuries.) There is absolutely no shame in not going to college, if you want to do something in life that does not require a college degree. We should not be subsidizing colleges in order to provide America with a desperate, indebted class of future temp workers. It does not make sense.

[CCAP. Photo: Getty]

Hearse Hits Up Burger King Drive Thru So Deceased Man Can Buy One Last Whopper

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Hearse Hits Up Burger King Drive Thru So Deceased Man Can Buy One Last Whopper

"He always lived by his own rules," said Linda Phiel, referring to her father David S. Kime Jr. "His version of eating healthy was the lettuce on the Whopper Jr."

The 88-year-old World War II vet passed away last week near his hometown of West York, Pennsylvania.

A life-long lover of having it his way, Kime naturally made Burger King his fast food joint of choice.

"My mother kind of kept him in check," Phiel told the York Daily Record. "When she died, for a while, he would eat with us. But he considered us health freaks because we ate things that were green, like broccoli."

Seeking to pay tribute to Kime's king-size lifestyle, his family decided to swing his funeral procession by Burger King for one last Whopper Jr.

Margaret Hess, manager of the Manchester Township Burger King, was in the restaurant Saturday, when a hearse suddenly showed up at the drive-thru window.

She and her staff prepared 40 Whopper Jrs. in all for the mourners.

"They also wanted one for the deceased," Hess said. "It's nice to know he was a loyal customer up until the end — the very end."

Kime was later buried with that Whopper.

"All of us are going to be in this position," Phiel told the Daily Record. "And I think there's a certain group who think we should be crying. But on the other hand, he lived a wonderful life and on his own terms."

[screengrab via WGAL]


'Weird Smell' Saves Man from Poison Embedded in Wife's Private Parts

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'Weird Smell' Saves Man from Poison Embedded in Wife's Private Parts

A man from the Brazilian city of São José do Rio Preto has accused his wife of trying to kill him by stuffing a poisonous substance into her vagina, and then asking him to perform oral sex on her.

The unidentified 43-year-old told police he was luckily deterred at the last minute by a "strong toxic smell" emanating from his spouse's private parts.

The man rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped, but doctors were unable to find any toxic substances in his system.

According to Argentina's La Razón, the woman later confessed to the crime and was found to have enough poison inside of her to kill both her husband and herself.

The wife reportedly requested a divorce from her husband prior to the incident in question.

[photo via Shutterstock]

What's the Deal With Airplanes? A Guide From a Man Who Was On Two of Them Recently

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What's the Deal With Airplanes? A Guide From a Man Who Was On Two of Them RecentlyIf there is one national mystery we have not yet gotten to the bottom of yet, it is planes: What's up with them? They're so large, and yet they fly. It's a shady business. But Business Insider's Henry Blodget, the internet's greatest troll-savant and self-taught expert in anti-Semitism, has been on a few of them (specifically, two) lately, and he knows some things about planes.

We now present to you a guide to the deal with airplanes, courtesy of Henry Blodget. This is what's happening up there.

  1. Huge-ass wings: The secret to flying. Our expert explains:

    See? Now the wing's holding the plane up. And all that weight has bent the wing-tip up. (Sort of. Really, it's the lift the wing is creating that is lifting the wing tip up).

  2. Pillows: Sometimes unwrapped. Sometimes hairy. Usually free:

    I got a free pillow.

    What's the Deal With Airplanes? A Guide From a Man Who Was On Two of Them RecentlyFig 1.: Hair on pillow.

  3. Electric outlets: Sometimes available. Sometimes, not available. Previously, just unavailable!:

    (Back in the 1990s, when I lived at 35,000 feet, they didn't have plugs. You had 2 hours to work. Then you were done.)

  4. Space: Not a lot of it. Other times, oceans of it. What is to be done when there is not enough space?

    You can shift your knees left and invade your neighbor's space.

    Or?

    Or you can shift them right and try to squeeze them between the next seat up and the fuselage.

    Or??

    Or you can try the "knee up" technique.

  5. Food: Available. Specifically, there is pasta:

    I'm not going to say it was the best pasta I've ever eaten, but it certainly wasn't the worst.

    Tortellini in cheese sauce.

    With some tomato sauce, too.

    And not-terrible steamed broccoli.

    Bottom line, it was totally fine food.

    I was hungry

    (no breakfast).

    What's the Deal With Airplanes? A Guide From a Man Who Was On Two of Them RecentlyFig. 2: Certainly not the worst pasta Henry Blodget has ever eaten.

  6. Seats: They're what you sit in. Also, though, they're inscrutable:

    See all those buttons? They all drive parts of the seat. You'll be halfway across the North Atlantic before you get the hang of it.

  7. Creepy men taking creepshots of you while you sleep: Something to fear.
  8. Nuts: Delicious. You can always count on nuts. Nuts and planes are like peas and carrots. Except for these nuts:

    Time to chow down on some nuts. (Too sweet—some strange yogurty coating on the cashews).

  9. Henry Blodget's nuts: Present. Very, very present. Too present. So present that you should promptly cancel all future plans for flying.
    What's the Deal With Airplanes? A Guide From a Man Who Was On Two of Them Recently Fig. 3: Henry Blodget's nuts.

Nothing can be done to explain the deal with Henry Blodget.

Photos via Business Insider. GIF by Max Read.

Former Top Model Contestant Busts Her Face Wide Open, Shares Horrifying Photos with the World

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Former Top Model Contestant Busts Her Face Wide Open, Shares Horrifying Photos with the WorldIn what would have made for a compelling multi-episode arc on season 5 of America's Next Top Model, former Top Model contestant Lisa D'Amato broke her nose in several places and shredded her forehead, lips, and chin to ribbons in what she calls "a freak accident" earlier this month. (Warning: the photos below are graphic and NSFW.)

Here is a reconstructed timeline of said accident:

January 18, 2013

  • Post meridiem: Lisa wraps production on an indie movie called "Cowboys and Indians," which co-stars the mom from 7th Heaven, Momfrom Seventhheaven.
  • +1 hour: Lisa makes snow angels.
  • + several hours: Lisa celebrates the closing of a life chapter by doing light gymnastics, as you do.
  • + several hours, some minutes: Lisa attempts a handstand.
  • + several hours, some minutes, 2 seconds: Lisa lands on her face.
  • simultaneously: A friend lands on top of her (physics unclear).
  • + 1 split second: Lisa's face explodes.

If you're curious about how a face looks after it explodes, Lisa posted pictures [another warning: graphic] everywhere.
Former Top Model Contestant Busts Her Face Wide Open, Shares Horrifying Photos with the World

Pictures in which she no longer looks like Lisa
Former Top Model Contestant Busts Her Face Wide Open, Shares Horrifying Photos with the World

Pictures in which she continues to work her angles despite the fact that the center strip of her face has been ripped off and replaced with raw, wet meat.
Former Top Model Contestant Busts Her Face Wide Open, Shares Horrifying Photos with the World

Fortunately, D'Amato is feeling optimistic about her recovery, as well as the plastic surgery that a horrific facial injury brings:

"Plastic surgeon says I'll be 100% in a month w/ a bit of a cuter nose even. So that's cool. Love you guys!! "

Botched handstands and exploding faces are not out of character for Lisa, whose bizarre antics on Top Model (remember when she put on a wig and talked about cookies?) rendered her, if not a fan favorite, at least a fan ohmygodlisa.

D'Amato came in first place on America's Next Top Model: All Stars in 2011, and appeared on Celebrity Rehab in 2009 ("place" unknown).

[h/t NYDN / Instagram / Facebook // Image via Getty]

January Jones Is Going Bald

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January Jones Is Going Bald She's played Betty Draper, Fat Betty Draper, Emma Frost, and one of the slutty American girls from Love Actually. Is January Jones now preparing for a reprisal role as G.I. Jane? Nah, her hair's just falling out in clumps.

Speaking with Grazia Daily at Sundance, Jones said she's encountered a problem in dying her hair too much:

'I have been every colour and now my hair is falling out in clumps,' she told us. 'I've been blonde, red with extensions for this film, then blonde, then black, and now blonde again. I'm going to have to shave it off and wear a wig.'

If J.J.'s going to have to don (draper) a wig, I vote she goes big with it, no?

[Images via AP and WENN]

Incredible Photo Shows Pillars of Fire Bursting from Manholes in Downtown Omaha

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Incredible Photo Shows Pillars of Fire Bursting from Manholes in Downtown Omaha

Underground explosions linked to an electrical fire caused several manholes in downtown Omaha to blow their covers yesterday evening, unleashing tall flames that illuminated the darkened neighborhood.

A photo of the inferno was captured by a local resident from a nearby apartment.

Crews from the Omaha Public Power District were working around the clock to restore power to the area. About 100 customers were still without electricity as of this morning, but things are expected to be back to normal by tonight.

[photo via Reddit]

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