Arianna Huffington doing my hair. Feb, 2014.

See more photos from last night's book party celebrating Rebecca Mead's My Life in Middlemarch on Facebook.

We natives of Broward County, Florida, are really good at two things: shopping, and screwing up voting. Oh, and also setting our dogs on fire, then letting the flaming dogs set our spouses on fire, then dumping our flaming dogs in swimming pools and getting on the news.

Via Miami's NBC affiliate:

Telma Botcherby, the dog's owner was treating her dog with flea and tick spray when she then noticed a live tick on the floor and tried to burn it with a lighter, according to a Broward Sheriff's Office report. The dog became startled and jumped across where Botcherby was trying to burn the tick. The dog then burst into flames, officials said.

Botcherby screamed for her husband, Jess Olivas, who picked up the dog in his arms and jumped into a swimming pool.

Olivas, of Parkland, was then taken to North Broward Hospital and later transferred to Jackson Memorial as a trauma alert for treatment of his second degree burns. Officials said 18 to 24 percent of Olivas' body was burned including his right arm, left forearm, chest and face.

We wish Olivas a speedy recovery. And to the dog, too: The family was too poor to take the dog to an urgent care clinic that night, so his burns had to wait for treatment until a local animal hospital opened the next morning.

Oh, also: Don't fuck around with open flames near your dog's Advantix, for God's sake.

[Photo credit: Jesse Kunerth/Shutterstock]

Washington D.C.'s NFL team, with an All-Pro roster of PR scumbags defending its racist name, is now concern-trolling about Native Americans' "high unemployment, life threatening health problems, inadequate education and many other issues more pressing than the name of a football team."

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman hits the newsstand and together we thoughtfully analyze the celebrity tabloids: Ok!, Us, In Touch, Life & Style and Star. This week: There's an eating disorder issue full of "bony" arms and "matchstick" legs; there's an apology for incorrectly reporting facts; Charlize Theron and Sean Penn are fighting and in love; and we've got new details about Kim and Kanye's wedding. This is a safe space, so lie down on the couch and let's get started.

Star

EATING DISORDER CONFESSIONS

Important point about the cover: You probably will not be able to guess who the ladies are in the images where the text reads "GUESS WHO!" because one of them is an Irish actress named Antonia Campbell-Hughes, who was in the small film Albert Nobbs, and who lost weight for a role; the other is a chick from the Shahs Of Sunset. Not people who actually count as "celebrities." But as you can imagine, this "story" consists of six pages of photographs of women and judgments about their bodies. Angelina Jolie is "too thin," Kelly Ripa has a "strange, bony chest," Tara Reid looks like "she is walking on matchsticks," Denise Richards has "bony arms," and Alyson Hannigan "certainly doesn't look like a mom of two." Did you know that there is one specific way a mom of two should look? A standard to which one must adhere? Now you do. Peppered in between the physique critiques are old quotes from stars who have discussed eating disorders — Lady Gaga, Nicole Scherzinger, Ke$ha, "Real" "Housewife" Joanna Krupa. And! At the end of the story is a yellow circle with "where to go for help" NEDA information. Because if there's one thing Star magazine is interested in, it's helping women. Also inside: Prince William went to Spain with his brother and his ex-girlfriend Jecca and Kate Middleton was positively pissed. Cara Delevingne and Michelle Rodriguez are "getting serious," which means less partying until 4 a.m. and more cuddling up on the couch and watching TV. Sean Penn and Charlize Theron had a huge fight at the Chateau Marmont because he was flirting with the hostess; Charlize was seen "sobbing at the table." Finally, not that you care, but Tori Spelling has told Dean she doesn't want him back when he gets out of rehab. By the by: Dude still has that Tori/Madly/Deeply tattoo, right?

Grade: F (denial)

Ok!

ENOUGH!

Miranda Lambert is on a health kick, and it is seriously endangering her marriage with Blake Shelton. "Losing weight has really helped Miranda grow spiritually," says a source (side note: ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING?). Now that Miranda is all healthy, she doesn't want to drink anymore, which is causing friction between her and Blake, who loves to drink copiously and then consume large quantities of meat. Here is a real quote from a "source": "[Blake] says they were having a fun-loving, sexy relationship before kale came into their kitchen." And yet another celebrity marriage dissolves due to the corrosive power of kale. Moving on: Casper Smart wants to break up with J-Lo because she's too busy advancing her career. This is the fourth marriage her ambition will have ruined, alleges the mag. So much for leaning in? Elsewhere in the magazine, our five most burning Brangelina questions are addressed: are they happy? (Yes.) Now that gay marriage is legal, will they get married? (Sure!) Are they moving to South Africa? (Yes, temporarily, and it will be "a kind of homecoming for the vagabond clan" because Shiloh was born in Namibia, an African country that is notably not South Africa). In the most shocking news of the week, Ok! printed an apology for lying about Jennifer Lawrence getting engaged (Fig 1). My suggestion is they should run a second magazine every Thursday titled WE'RE SO SORRY, EVERYONE!

Grade: F (anger)

In Touch

DESTROYED BY LOVE

Selena Gomez has been nearly "destroyed by her love" for Justin Bieber. Her tumultuous relationship and subsequent breakup with America's resident Miscreant Laureate caused her to "use drugs and alcohol to numb the pain of an oft-broken heart" — however, like basically every other gossip website in the world, this mag is claiming that Selena checked into rehab to help with her "love addiction." Hopefully she manages to free herself from that nasty lil' punk's clutches once and for all. In other news, Johnny Depp is extremely wealthy and should thus be careful about marrying Amber Heard because she might get her womanly meat-hooks into his funds. "Getting Johnny to fall for her is [Amber's] greatest accomplishment by far," says a very demeaning source, who adds that it would be a "huge mistake" for him not to protect his money. Moving on: Robert Kardashian's widow Ellen Kardashian is suing the Kardashian family for defamation; she claims that the Kardashians painted her as a scheming gold digger on TV. Some dirty laundry will likely be dredged up. Yawn. Elsewhere in the mag, the editors go over Taylor Swift's dating advice and point out how she does not follow it in the most condescending and shame-y way possible. Some glowing examples: "HER RULE: Don't Be Clingy. WHAT SHE DOES: Invites Herself to Thanksgiving." and "HER RULE: Find an Upstanding Guy. WHAT SHE DOES: Breaks His Heart." Blergh. Finally, we're treated to a four-page spread of stars who have gone overboard with fillers. Hooray. (Fig. 2)

Grade: F (bargaining)

Life & Style

A NEW LOW

Miley Cyrus totally tried to steal her half-sister's Christian rocker boyfriend in 2010 — so, maybe a low but definitely not new. From this flimsy little platform, the magazine launches into an analysis of how attention-starved and desperate Miley is: She'll Do Anything To Get in the Spotlight (Fig. 3). Yawn. Moving on: Kim Kardashian's decision to dye her hair brown again was a message to Kanye informing him that she is now calling the shots. With this bold move, she'll definitely be in charge of her own wedding again, or something: "Kanye loved her hair blond, so the fact that she dyed it without consulting him is a brave move... Kim is signaling to Kanye that she's no push-over." So much of tabloid fodder is comprised of hair-augury, guys. In other news, Taylor Swift is worried that she's undateable. Because she's 24 and has been single for over a year, she's starting to fear that she'll be single forever — you know, if you're one of the most successful pop stars in the world and unwed by your 25th year, you might as well buy yourself a few cats and call it a life. Finally: Kourtney Kardashian has begged Khloe to help her get her body back, which pleases her sister because, as you have likely read, the sisters are all locked in a constant death-battle over the title of World's Hottest Kardashian. Sigh.

Grade: D- (depression)

Us

DID SHE GO TOO FAR?

This cover story about the Biggest Loser winner is basically a recap of what you already know: Rachel Frederickson went from 250 lbs. to 105 lbs., losing 59.62% of her body weight. The copy claims that she already "knew the euphoria of breaking records" since she was a three-time state champion swimmer in high school. Read: Competitive. A random doctor weighs in: "She can't survive long-term with this calorie restriction and exercise level." Frederickson says "it's not about the money" and points to her body when she adds: "this is absolutely the prize. To have this energy and feel alive means the world to me." Sure! Moving on: Sean Penn and Charlize Theron are "seriously smitten" and when you throw in her son Jackson, "the three of them are turning into a little family," says a source who can sense when individuals morph into units. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have picked a wedding date and — shocker— they will both be wearing crowns in the ceremony. This is an "upgrade" from the tiara Kim wore to her last wedding. A source says Kimye are having handcrafted headpieces made for them because Kanye thinks he and Kim are imperial, obvs. (How much would you pay to watch Lorde sing "We'll never be royals… It don't run in our blood" as Kim walks down the aisle?) Stevie Wonder and John Legend will perform and "no expense will be spared." CANNOT WAIT. In Blue Ivy news, Beyoncé does not allow the child to have white sugar unless it's a birthday party or special occasion. Also: No Cheetos. Or any processed food, for that matter. Blue Ivy is a temple, okay? Finally: On the Feb. 17 episode of The Bachelor, one of Juan Pablo's final six ladyfriends will dump him and leave the show. The mag refuses to name the contestant, so as not to spoil it for you, but apparently she tells him she's not ready to accept a proposal and says: "I don't want to take the spot of someone else who knows they're at that place." JP soothes the poor kid, stroking her hair and so on, and a source says: "Ironically, her honesty made him like her even more." OH WELL.

Grade: C (acceptance)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

If you were looking for more Bill Murray after his amazing Reddit AMA, here you go: Last night, Charlie Rose aired his full, hour-long discussion with the comedy great. Murray is hilarious, of course, but he's also surprisingly candid and thoughtful.

Among the highlights are Murray's planned acceptance speech if he'd won the Oscar for Lost in Translation ("When I learned of the other nominees, I thought, 'Hey, I really have a good chance.'") and his reason for playing so many dramatic roles in recent years.

[h/t Uproxx]

We already know that Dan Rutherford, Illinois Treasurer and Republican candidate for governor, took his 28-year-old assistant on several overseas adventures and “double-occupied” hotel rooms on trips to New York and Washington. In fact, that was just a fraction of their time together.

According to reimbursement records obtained by the Chicago Tribune, Rutherford and his assistant, Joshua Lanning, spent over 50 nights together in a studio apartment in Chicago when Rutherford visited the city during political campaigns in 2011 and 2012. (On visits for state business, the men billed the state for a single hotel room.) When confronted by the Tribune, Rutherford defended the arrangement:

Asked who he shared a room with other than Lanning, Rutherford said, “Well, I haven’t.”

Pressed on whether the practice raised questions about his judgment, Rutherford quickly responded, “No.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being friends with employees,” Rutherford said. “I consider myself friends with many in the office.”

The details of Rutherford and Lanning’s lodging arrangements come two days after Edmund Michalowski, a 43-year-old Rutherford aide, sued the Treasurer over claims of sexual harassment. Michalowski’s lengthy complaint alleges that, after he told the Treasurer’s chief of staff, Kyle Ham, about their boss’s sexual advances, Ham tried to cheer him up by arguing that Lanning had it much, much worse:

Rutherford grabbed Plaintiff’s arm and asked Plaintiff to go up to his hotel room. Plaintiff refused. Rutherford became angry, stating “you just said no to the Treasurer.” Upon returning to Chicago, Plaintiff reported the incident to Ham. Ham told Plaintiff that he was “not a team player.” Ham also informed him that “Josh Lanning has the worst job and you should feel lucky.”

Rutherford quickly denied the aide’s allegations, calling them “false,” “untimely,” and “calculated.” Lanning, on the other hand, has refused to comment to the Tribune and other outlets, including Gawker.

[Photo credit: Dan Rutherford’s Facebook page]

Sid Caesar, television pioneer and comedy legend, died Wednesday in his home in Los Angeles. He was 91. His longtime friend talk-show host Larry King broke the news on Twitter.

Born Isaac Sidney Caesar in Yonkers, N.Y., Ceasar made his first television appearance in 1949 on Milton Berle's Texaco Star Theater. Soon after, on February 25, 1950, Caesar appeared as an ensemble cast member in the first episode of Your Show of Shows, a 90-minute live comedy program featuring sketches and skits written by some of comedy's best writers: Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, Neil Simon, Larry Gelbart, Lucille Kallen and Mel Tolkin.

The hit show ended in 1954, but was followed by the successful Ceasar's Hour that ran until 1957.

Years of television comedy took their toll on Caesar and he turned to alcohol and barbiturates to manage the stress. According to Variety, in 1982, he wrote an autobiography and recalled his darkest periods: "At my worst, I had been downing eight Tuinals and a quart of Scotch a day. When I was awake I'd think of nothing but 'I must do it faster, kill myself faster.' I'd get up to take pills just to go back to sleep. I had no friends. My life was over."

Brooks sympathized with his struggle: "I know of no other comedian, including Chaplin, who could have done nearly 10 years of live television," he said. "Nobody's talent was ever more used up than Sid's."

However, Caesar became sober in 1977, and while never regaining his early levels of fame, he went on to star in popular exercise videos and movies including Grease and Grease 2. Inducted into the Television Hall of Fame in 1985, Caesar once told People that his philosophy of humor is simple. "I don't take myself too seriously," he said. "I just laugh at myself a lot and call myself a dummy."

He was married to his wife Florence Levy for almost sixty years until she died in 2010. Caesar is survived by two daughters and a son.

[Photo via AP]

Last week, the chilling visage of David Shing was thrust upon the world. Equally horrific was his job title—"Digital Prophet." That's something you can be for a living? Yes, and there are plenty of other make-believe jobs out there, too.

The people with these jobs, these exercises in techno-lust imagination, are likely overpaid, doing very little, or both.

David Shing - Digital Prophet at AOL

The reigning champion, Shingy's job is literally to make predictions about the future on behalf of AOL. They don't have to actually come true.

Valentine Uhovski - Fashion Evangelist at Tumblr

Besides posing for cool pictures, Uhovski's job at Tumblr is to help secure advertising relationships for his company. At most places, this would be called something boring and normal, like "Account Manager," or whatever. But where's the holy glory in that?

Andrew Golis - Entrepreneur-in-Residence at The Atlantic

The EIR slot is coveted at any of the many otherwise-serious institutions that offer the role, mostly because no one has any clue what an EIR does. In the case of Andrew Golis (who recently switched gigs), not even The Atlantic could explain why The Atlantic needed this thing:

Working closely with The Atlantic's Editorial and Digital Strategy and Operations teams, Golis will support the media brand's expanding video and paid-content initiatives. He will also work with the teams to help identify and launch new ventures and products across The Atlantic's platforms.

Business Insider dedicated an entire article to try to demystify the job, with no luck. But it'll stick around, employing people who furrow their brows at Twitter all day, if only because entrepreneur is next to messiah in terms of career cachet. And besides, no one can say "You don't do anything around here" if no one knows what the fuck you're supposed to be doing.

Matthew Shoup - Hacker-in-Residence at LinkedIn

See above, swap one noun for another—job security through obscurity, yet again. Fast Company interviewed Shoup about his gig in 2010:

What are some of the most fun hacks you've worked on?

DropIn is like LinkedIn Tetris. It's pretty much like the traditional game of Tetris, but we substitute LinkedIn profile pictures.

Michael Phillips Moskowitz - Chief Curator at eBay

This is a website where you can buy used iPods and shit, not the fucking Guggenheim. And yet, the task of picking which used doodads will wind up on the front page of eBay is considered curation these days, as is pretty much any virtual act of pointing at something on your screen and slurring "Hey that thing looks cool."

Jenn Lim - Chief Happiness Officer at Delivering Happiness

I have literally no clue what Delivering Happiness is. According to her website, it is "a company that she and Tony Hsieh (CEO of Zappos) co-created in 2010 to inspire happiness in work, community and everyday life." OK.

Nathan Jurgenson - "Researcher" at Snapchat

Everyone misses college sometimes, but for Nathan Jurgenson, the thrill of exchanging vague ideas in your dorm's common room at 2 a.m. never has to stop. What if we studied disappearing phone pics with the same rigor as Hegel? Snapchat pays him to be its in-house academic, writing hifalutin blog posts about "ephemerality" and tweeting things like this:

like, this tweet won't be deleted, but is largely ephemeral in that it won't have lasting presence, consequence, meaning

— nathanjurgenson (@nathanjurgenson) February 2, 2014

Consequence and meaning, indeed!

Damon Horowitz - In-House Philosopher at Google

Joining Jurgenson in the virtual academy is Damon Horowitz, who convinced Google to let him have the official title of "Philosopher" when his company was acquired.

William Bunce - Innovation Sherpa at Microsoft

Microsoft has been struggling to innovate its way out of a hole for the past several years, to no avail. This is strange, considering the company employs an Innovation Sherpa—although maybe it's because he studied innovation at a culinary school in Gaithersburg, Maryland.

Callie Schweitzer - Director of Digital Innovation at TIME

Let's let her boss explain it:

In her new editorial role at TIME, Callie will focus on increasing traffic and audience engagement. She'll also oversee our social media team, newsletters and a variety of other new product initiatives and content partnerships.

The job itself is a digital innovation.

Image by Jim Cooke, source art via Renata Sedmakova / Shutterstock.com

Look at this little guy chasing a zookeeper at the at Matsue Vogel Aviary Park in southern Japan. Keep on running if you want, zoo guy, but you will not escape this tiny penguin.

[ht Viral Viral Videos/GIF via]

Deadspin Sister Lift: Confessions Of A Former Pairs Skater | Gizmodo Don't Buy Jewelry on Amazon | io9 10 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Love and Sex | Lifehacker How to Start Exercising When You're Already Overweight | Valleywag The Biggest Bullshit Job Titles in Tech | Kinja Popular Posts

During his "Hansen Unplugged: Celebrating Our Differences" segment Monday night, WFAA sports anchor Dale Hansen issued a near perfect public takedown to the the anonymous NFL officials in Sports Illustrated's much-criticized Michael Sam story.

From Hansen's speech, via Towleroad:

You beat a woman and drag her down a flight of stairs, pulling her hair out by the roots? You're the fourth guy taken in the NFL draft.

You kill people while driving drunk? That guy's welcome.

Players caught in hotel rooms with illegal drugs and prostitutes? We know they're welcome.

Players accused of rape and pay the woman to go away?

You lie to police trying to cover up a murder? We're comfortable with that.

You love another man? Well, now you've gone too far!

Hanson acknowledged his own faults but welcomed Sam, saying it was "time to celebrate him."

"I'm not always comfortable when a man tells me he's gay; I don't understand his world," Hansen said. "But I do understand that he's part of mine."

[via Reddit]

For fuck's sake, make it all stop. Plagiarizing monster, heartbreaking loon, and dabbling artist Shia LaBeouf now has competition. Actor Jerry O'Connell has apparently started his own art exhibit, #IAMSORRYTOO, next to LaBeouf's #IAMSORRY.

According to LaBeouf's neighbors and frequent visitors at Buzzfeed, O'Connell is currently in situ at 7358 Beverly at the Artspace Warehouse, the gallery next door to the Cohen Gallery where #IAMSORRY is taking place.

The experience at O'Connell's show largely mirrors LaBeouf's. Buzzfeed writer Louis Peitzman describes a similar gallery set up, including a table filled with objects, such as a Blu-ray copy of Stand by Me. However, unlike LaBeouf, O'Connell is not silent when you sit down with him in the room. He wears a paper bag on his head that reads "SUPER FAMOUS" and apparently apologizes "for all the world's ills."

Peitzman tells of his encounter with O'Connell:

I asked for a photo, which he approved. And then disapproved. And then approved again. I snapped a few while he was approving.

O'Connell also told Peitzman it was hot under the bag and he could smell his own breath.

Funny or Die is believed to be behind the O'Connell spoof. They announced the exhibit's opening Wednesday afternoon, but said it would only be for one day only.

BREAKING: Jerry O'Connell has an art exhibit directly next to Shia LaBeouf's. 7358 Beverly. Today only. #IAmSorryToo pic.twitter.com/JvAAzcfkTW

— Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) February 12, 2014

LaBeouf will be in his gallery until Sunday.

And no, I'm not going to go see O'Connell. No way.

[Image via germainlussier/Instagram]

Snow and rain and tornados and droughts — no matter where you live, you can't escape the weather.

The massive snowstorm slamming the south made driving conditions in Raleigh, North Carolina this afternoon somewhat hazardous.

Atlanta fared the storm a bit better this time around — Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal declared a state of emergency, canceling schools and closing the government, effectively keeping most drivers off the roads:

Even so, power lines are down for nearly half a million people in Georgia, the Carolinas, and Alabama.

The storm is now expected to pass through Washington DC and hit New York by early tomorrow morning. Governor Chris Christie has already declared a state of emergency in New Jersey. Forecasters believe the storm will mostly bring wind and slush by the time it reaches Massachusetts.

Meanwhile, thunderstorms are pummeling Florida and parts of the state are under a tornado watch.

And California is still a dry, arid dustland.

[image via and AP]

Sure, the footage of those Russian daredevils climbing the world's second tallest building was impressive. But it pales in comparison to this, rock climber Alex Honnold tackling a 2,500 foot cliff without a rope. The climb, which again, was done without a rope or safety harness, took more than three hours to complete.

Needless to say, do not try this for any reason.

Today Show weatherman Al Roker is very angry with Bill de Blasio. At a Thursday morning press conference, the New York City mayor blamed meteorologists for botching their snow forecasts, thereby giving the city grounds to keep public schools open. “Early weather forecasts showed just 3 inches of snow incoming,” he argued. (It’s now at 9.5 inches.) That’s when Al Roker opened his Twitter account:

How dare @NYCMayorsOffice @NYCSchools throw NWS under the school bus. Forecast was on time and on the money

— Al Roker (@alroker) February 13, 2014

(Many weather forecasts depend on atmospheric measurements supplied by the government’s National Weather Service.)

I knew this am @NYCMayorsOffice @NYCSchools would close schools. Talk about a bad prediction. Long range DiBlasio forecast: 1 term

— Al Roker (@alroker) February 13, 2014

So now my daughter's NYC public school is being let out early. @NYCMayorsOffice @NYCSchools Is it worth putting kids' safety at risk?

— Al Roker (@alroker) February 13, 2014

@NYCMayorsOffice says snow was faster/heavier than expected. No, Mr. Mayor. It came as predicted. Don't blame weather for YOUR poor policy

— Al Roker (@alroker) February 13, 2014

Perhaps Roker’s naked Russian spa adventure with Matt Lauer was insufficiently relaxing?

“It’s a different thing to run a city than to give the weather on TV,” the mayor later told reporters. And: “You have to know what you don’t know in this world, and what we don’t know is how the weather will change.”

[Photo credit: Getty Images]

Mike Rowe, a professional Regular Guy, is the host of show Dirty Jobs. He is also a pitchman for Walmart. This week, he took to his Facebook page to vociferously defend Walmart from critics. Allow some real Walmart workers to offer a counterpoint.

Rowe is the narrator of a new Walmart commercial touting the company's plan to buy $250 billion of American-made goods over the next ten years. A cynic might point out that spending $25 billion a year on American goods is not so impressive for a company with $117 billion in gross profits last year—particularly not when that company's entire identity was once based on selling American goods, and particularly not when that company is also fighting against measures to raise wages for its millions of American employees. But let's stick to the story at hand.

After Rowe received some negative comments about an everyman like him voicing a Walmart commercial, he published a long response on Facebook purporting to answer his critics, in a rather meandering fashion. For example:

The world is bigger than "Workers vs. Bosses," and so is this campaign. Remember, Walmart thrives because a majority of Americans like to shop there. Like Apple, Discovery, Ford, and Facebook, Walmart does not exist for the purpose of employing people. No successful company does. Walmart's first order of business is to serve their customer. Ultimately, the customer calls the shots. Not management. Not labor. Jobs are just a happy consequence of that success...

I know that millions are out of work. But I also know that I've seen Help Wanted signs in all 50 states. Even at the height of the recession, the employers I met on Dirty Jobs were all hiring. They still are. And they all told me the same thing - the biggest challenge of running a business was finding people who were willing to learn a new skill and work hard.

I like this campaign because at it's heart, it portrays hard work as something dignified and decent. Lot's of people will criticize these spots as nothing but PR. But PR matters. A lot. Because right now, people are disconnected from the part of our workforce that still makes things. We can't reinvigorate the trades until we agree and understand the importance of buying American. Again - who can be against that?

Who can be against that, indeed? Perhaps Mike Rowe will be interested in a few emails from actual Walmart employees. This is just a sampling of emails we've received over the past few days, after publishing our recent testimonals from a Walmart manager and a Walmart worker.

To earn a chair

I worked in a Walmart in the Kansas City metro area for a little over 3 years starting in 2009. I was hired as a Customer Service Manager making 8.80 an hour. By this time I had worked retail for over 10 years and had a four year degree. 8.80. For a manager. After a few months I got tired of having to work until midnight a few nights a week and go to my full time job at 8 in the morning, so I was offered a position in the cash office on the weekends. I had to take a .40 pay cut. I was in a small room with at times upwards of $100,000. I was making 8.40. After a year I was eligible for health insurance, so that was nice. About halfway through my pregnancy I became a cashier working about four days a week, taking another pay cut. This store had self check out machines that required one cashier to monitor all of them so this is where I was usually placed because there was less lifting and I could pull up a chair behind my register and sit. Until one of the managers told me I needed to have approval from the ADA department at Home Office. My doctor and I filled out the required forms. My request for a chair was denied. Since pregnancy is temporary I didn't need to be accommodated. I worked as a cashier for about a year after my daughter was born and then quit when I decided that it wasn't worth working there anymore.

The "open door policy" in action

I am now a former employee, bullied into quitting by my superiors last year. Why, you may ask, would they do that? The simple answer is that I'm autistic. The complicated answer is that I was pregnant, bullied, and autistic. Sounds like some shitty lifetime network movie, right? I had an issue with my male coworkers commenting on my body type, harassing me for being underweight. Soon the taunts turned from eat a fucking cheeseburger to name calling, etc. Trying to follow their bullshit "open door policy", I went to my manager several times. When nothing got solved, I finally had enough and confronted these low level humans outside on a break. Someone told on me and I was pulled into the office and told that I should have come to them and would be getting written up for taking care of it myself. It would be my 3rd, the first two for lack of productivity since I failed to do 12 hours worth of work in my measly 8 hour overnight shift. I let it go.

3 days, maybe 4 days later I found out I was pregnant. I worked there for another week before being denied the restrictions my doctor had asked for (an extra 5 minute break between lunch and going home, and being allowed to use the facilities and have access to water as needed) and pulled into the office yet again. I was told that I could not have ADA restrictions because I hadn't worked there long enough and that they felt I was no longer a good fit for my job. I refused to quit initially and went back to my work. Over the next 3 weeks they proceeded to pile as much work on me as they could, knowing that they were putting my high risk pregnancy at risk and grossly overwhelming me. When I started falling asleep on 15 minute breaks, I was pulled into the office again and given the totally illegal option of quit or be fired. I was told I would be rehired after my son was born if I quit, but that I would never eligible for rehire if I were fired. I knew if I didn't I would be put through even more hell and quit. The greatest part of my year of employment with Walmart? According to my store, Aspergers Syndrome is not real, and I didn't look "mentally retarded" so I couldn't have the "real autism". ADA oaperwork was refused to me from the get go. They also never hired me back. I have since found a new job. Ironically still in corporate retail. I clearly have a death wish.

I would like to remain anonymous if this ends up being posted. I don't mind sharing my identity with the author of the article, but I live a nice quiet life these days and I'd rather keep it that way.

And finally

This may sound absolutely ridiculous. But, two decades after leaving my job
at Walmart, I occasionally have nightmares about being back there!

When I humorously comment to others that I have Walmart PTSD, many say that
they experience the same horrible nightmares.

* Please do not publish my name.

"I'm a big fan of the American Worker," says Mike Rowe. "I'm just a bigger fan of America." A very American thing to say.

[Photo: FB/ AP]

Tragic news from Brooklyn: This morning, a pregnant woman was killed by a snow plow in Brooklyn's Sunset Park neighborhood.

The woman was struck by a private plow in the parking lot of Fei Long Market, on Eighth Ave., near 63rd street, FDNY officials told the New York Post.

According to the Post, the 36-year-old victim's baby survived the accident but is in critical condition at a nearby hospital.

UPDATE 3:54 pm: From the Post:

Min Lin, 36, was struck shortly before 11 a.m. by the privately owned vehicle that was clearing snow from the parking lot of the Fei Long Market on Eighth Avenue, near 63rd Street, police said.

She was nine months pregnant.

Cops roped off the lot and the Bobcat S250 that hit the woman. The unidentified driver, who was driving in reverse when the accident happened, was spotted in the lot hours later looking despondent

[Image via Shutterstock]

It's "a good thing" Aurora movie-theater mass-killer James Holmes "had a 100-round magazine," says a Republican Colorado state senator. "If he had four, five, six 15-round magazines, there's no telling how much damage he could have done until a good guy with a gun showed up."

It's one thing to tack to the center to win election in a bitterly partisan state. It's another thing to give up the ghost on the very issue that vaunted you to electoral recognizability in the first place. Wendy Davis, onetime progressive Texas hero, appears to be diving headlong into that latter group.

For the past year, state Sen. Wendy Davis looked like Texas' great Democratic hope: a talented, driven woman standing up to conservative creeps in the inner sanctum of red-state red meat. She vaulted to fame—and became the object of furious right-wing sexism—after singlehandedly filibustering several draconian anti-abortion measures, which passed anyway, but parts of which were subsequently judged unconstitutional.

But her run for governor has led her to jettison progressive values over the side of her slow-moving campaign ship with every new incoming wave. The nadir of this downward opportunistic lurch appeared to have occurred last week, when Davis came out in favor of permitting Texans to openly pack heat, bringing her in line with the Lone Star State's gun-nuttery caucus.

What could be lower than that triangulation? How about selling out your No. 1 issue? Such is the apparent gist of her most recent interview with the Dallas Morning News—whose headline, "Wendy Davis backs 20-week abortion ban that defers to women," pretty much sums up the increasing cognitive hollowness of Davis' approach to campaigning for public office: OK, let's limit women's reproductive rights, but let's do it in a way that "defers" to them!

In the interview, Davis clarifies that her Alamo-like stand in the Texas Legislature last June was not principally to defend women's access to abortion, but to stress that women be respected, even as their rights be limited:

Davis, a Fort Worth senator and the likely Democratic nominee for governor, told The Dallas Morning News' editorial board that less than one-half of 1 percent of Texas abortions occur after 20 weeks of pregnancy. Most of those were in cases where fetal abnormalities were evident or there were grave risks to the health of the woman.

"I would line up with most people in Texas who would prefer that that's not something that happens outside of those two arenas," Davis said.

But the Democrat said the state's new abortion law didn't give priority to women in those circumstances. The law allows for exceptions for fetal abnormalities and a threat to the woman's life, but Davis said those didn't go far enough.

"My concern, even in the way the 20-week ban was written in this particular bill, was that it didn't give enough deference between a woman and her doctor making this difficult decision, and instead tried to legislatively define what it was," Davis said.

Well, yes, that granular sort of defining tends to happen when legislatures get involved in uterine affairs.

Davis said she could have supported a bill that contained only a 20-week ban, but the law's restrictions on clinics and doctors have greatly curtailed access to the procedure in parts of Texas.

"It was the least objectionable," she said. "I would have and could have voted to allow that to go through, if I felt like we had tightly defined the ability for a woman and a doctor to be making this decision together and not have the Legislature get too deep in the weeds of how we would describe when that was appropriate."

Under "red herrings" in the dictionary, see this. See if you can follow the logic: Only a handful of abortions occur after 20 weeks, most of them tied to tests for fetal abnormalities that can only be performed after 20 weeks. And that's precisely why they need to be banned. Wait, what?

In fact, the new craze for 20-week bans is based on largely phony science and the privileging of an irrational emotional argument. Davis, in her capacity as a national leader on this issue, had a golden opportunity to call the ban exactly what it is: bullshit, a trivial waste of legislators' time and taxpayer money to do nothing more than brand abortion as a nasty business.

Davis chose another path.

Look, it's perfectly acceptable for a candidate for statewide office to, in Davis' words, "line up with most people in Texas," to favor mealy-mouthed restrictions on abortion as "the least objectionable" options in a state full of objectionable opinions. But this is not the progressivism that vaulted Davis into the national pantheon. This is not the progressivism that motivates awful political foes to label her an "abortion Barbie."

This, in fact, is not progressivism at all. It is a safe vote for the status quo with a "D" next to it. That anyone could consider this revolutionary is merely a testament to how fucked up Texas really is nowadays.

Perhaps if the Lone Star State wants a real change in the statehouse, it should elect this guy governor.

[Photo credit: AP]

Airbnb should have picked another place as the testing ground for its battle with regulators. Just as the sweetheart of the sharing economy prepares to face off with New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, a new study from Skift contradicts numbers reported by Airbnb.

The company claims that "87 percent of Airbnb hosts in New York share only the home in which they live." But when Skift used a data extraction firm to look at New York numbers from January, the results didn't always match up.

70% of the available inventory is represented by people who only have one listing, while 30% comes from users who have posted more than one listing. This is made up of a mix of either one listing owned or leased by the person listing it and one other unit, or people who are renting multiple spaces on behalf of themselves or others.

That 30% breaks down like this:

102 hosts have 7 or more listings on the site, representing a total of 1,237 available listings on the site.

While more inventory is great for consumers like me—I spent yesterday afternoon scouring the site for rooms in San Francisco—Skift's data tells a very different story than the one Airbnb is astroturfing around town through the lobbyists at Peers about hosts who can only make a living by renting out a room.

In a cruel twist of corporate fate, it's Airbnb's fault that Skift was even inspired to go digging!

The court proceedings, which begin in late March, will cover (1) whether Airbnb hosts are paying proper taxes and (2) whether Airbnb hosts are violating state law that makes it "almost always illegal to rent a full apartment when the host is not present for less than 30 days."

But when authorities asked whether for relevant details:

Airbnb told the Attorney General that compiling this data was too burdensome, so Skift decided to help out.

That's how we arrive at damning numbers like this:

As opposed to the types of Airbnb hosts promoted by the sharing lobbying group Peers — which works closely with Airbnb on policy issues — the vast majority of the platform's hosts in New York appear to be people who are absent from their apartments or the apartments that they manage when guests appear.

We reported last year that at least half of the listings on Airbnb were by hosts that were breaking the law. From Connotate's research, it appears that number is closer to two thirds.

Putting aside whether state law helps more than it hurts, a company that's raised $326 million can surely afford to crunch some numbers for the Attorney General. But in the "sharing" economy, venture capitalists don't award multi-billion dollar valuations to startups that play nice.

To contact the author of this post, please email nitasha@gawker.com.

[Image via Airbnb]