A refugee from the Democratic Republic of North Korea who spent six years in one of that nation's harshest gulags has shared his chilling illustrations of its conditions with the UN High Commission on Human Rights.

The eight cartoons by Kim Kwang-il, which depict various forms of torture, hardship and death visited upon the prisoners, form part of a new UN report on the communist dictatorship's brutal excesses.

"Crimes against humanity have been, and are being, committed against starving populations," the Commission says in a stern summary of its findings addressed to North Korean authorities, adding that "persons detained in …prison camps, those who try to flee your country, adherents to the Christian religion and others considered to be introducing subversive influences are subjected to crimes against humanity."

Kim's illustrations of life in a prison camp are included below, with quotes excerpted from the report:

"[H]e had to crawl on his hands and knees into the cell he shared with 40 other prisoners, because the entrance door was only about 80 cm high. The guards told him that 'when you get to this prison you are not human, you are just like animals, and as soon as you get to this prison, you have to crawl just like animals.'"

"During the interrogation phase, suspects are systematically degraded, intimidated and tortured, in an effort to subdue them and to extract a full confession. The physical setup of the interrogation detention centre is often already designed to degrade and intimidate."

"Mr. Jeong was also subjected to the so-called 'pigeon torture'. '[Y]our hands are handcuffed behind your back. And then they hang you so you would not be able to stand or sit,' Mr. Jeong described. 1035 On repeated occasion, Mr. Jeong had to spend a full three days at a time in the pigeon torture stress position, enduring excruciating pain."

"During the 10 months he spent in detention, Mr. Jeong was given so little food that his weight dropped from 75 kilograms to 36 kilograms. In order to make him confess, Mr. Jeong was beaten with clubs, while hanging upside down."

"In March 2003, another man left his work unit to take some potatoes from the storage, because he was extremely hungry. Fearing that the guards would try to consider this an attempted escape, he tried to hide. The guards chased tracker dogs after him. The dogs found and mauled the man until he was half dead. Then the guards shot the victim dead on the spot."

"The torture chamber was equipped with a water tank, in which suspects could be immersed until the suspect would fear drowning. The room also had wall shackles that were specially arranged to hang people upside down."

"During the famine, food rations were further cut down to a point where only adults engaged in full time forced labour would receive rations. Her grandmother died from starvation and her exhausted mother fell from a steep cliff as she tried to forage for edible wild plants."

"The prisoners were brought to the camps in train wagons originally designed to transport animals. '[T]here were like six wagons that were filled with people. And that train came to the camps for six days consecutively, so thousands came in,' Mr. Ahn testified."

Here are more shots from inside the dead White Flint Mall. Muzak still plays where the people no longer do.

Behold the pinnacle of human invention. Sports Illustrated had the fantastic idea to shoot supermodel Kate Upton into the sky and then film her while she floated around in a bikini. Now we all know what Kate Upton looks like at Zero-G in a swimsuit. The answer, unsurprisingly, is great.

This might be our Icarus moment.

Photographed by James Macari:

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, Earl of Grantham, Downton of Abbey, was made to formally reject the devil on Sunday, when she attended the christening of her new godchild.

The Mirror reports that the baby belongs to a friend of Kate's from college, and definitely not—if Kate has any say in the matter—to the author of all sin, Satan.

She was accompanied by her husband and infant son, both balding. The reverend who performed the ceremony came as close to saying "I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT KATE MIDDLETON" as he possibly could while still remaining polite.

"I don't normally pay a huge amount of attention to godparents as long as the godparents are there and willing to make the appropriate promises."

As godmother, Kate will be charged with all the traditional duties, like praying for the baby every day, answering the baby's questions about faith ("I'm busy"), vaguely remembering the baby's birthday sometimes, giving the baby a pumpkin when it turns into a 16-year-old baby ("You won't believe it, but this is actually a car") transforming the baby's pet mice into draft animals, placing a severed horse head at the foot of the baby's twin bed, and sending the baby a check for £30 three months after graduation.

Kate Middleton's own baby—who, let's just be real, she probably thinks is a way better baby—was baptized back in October, in the presence of seven godparents.

In FutureNews™, Google is currently reporting that Prince George looks like this:

Incorrect.

The memory of that other baptism prompted E! to nervously blurt, at the end of today's Kate-Is-a-Godmother blurb "They don't call him the king of kings for nothing!"

E! was referring to Jesus.

If you have any questions about Jesus, please forward them to Kate Middleton.

[Image via Getty]

What do you imagine interning at a lyrics website that's run by three cartoonish Yalies with millions of dollars in the bank would be like? If your guess involved drugs, visits to Whole Foods, "raging," and a Bel Air mansion, you are correct. Bullshit internships, the startup way.

In their defense, though, half of the reason Genius interns Zach Schwartz and Jeremy Lilly seem so obnoxious is because of the way their profile is written on "NextShark.com," bulging with descriptions like this:

They both find themselves living in the best spot for women, weed, and weather, living in a mansion working for one of the coolest guys to work on the rap scene. Cigarettes in hand, we went to sit outside on the pool deck to talk about what their lives are like now.

But the facts on the ground are incontrovertible. There's no way you can misrepresent a box of t-shirts that have "Fuck Fuck Swag" printed on them:

We arrived at Rap Genius's mansion in the hills of Bel Air on a sunny day. Walking in the house there were some boxes of Rap Genius shirts that said in colorful letters "Fuck Fuck Swag," a volcano vaporizer was chilling in the corner, and they even had their own Rap Genius lighters and bottled water. [Co-Founder] Mahbod greeted us, a cup of tea in each hand, and that's when we first met Zach and Jeremy.

And of course, the interns give their own job summary:

"A typical day is like, we all get up, we might exercise or something, and we all go to Whole Foods. Mahbod loves Whole Foods. We all get these huge salads, oysters, smoothies, all this really nice stuff, and then we go back, we feast, and then we work for ten hours straight. At the end, its 9 or 10 p.m. and we just relax. Mahbod meditates, Jeremy and I go out, its really cool… It's been crazy, they filmed a music video here with Isaiah Rashad and that just happens like every day shit. It's crazy."

So, it's really like any other menial media internship, only you're groomed to act and sound exactly like your boss—in this case, Mahbod Moghadam, who famously blamed his past as an asshole on a brain tumor. You can sense them absorbing his persona with each quote:

"Yeah the perks and benefits are really nice but when it comes down to the end of the day, what's most important is the annotation, all literature, all rap, all text in human history."

Perks seem to include having the run of this large house, and fucking around a lot:

"I went in to Google once and I had the best food ever, there were massages upstairs… this is kind of the same thing except you are living in a mansion as a young person.

Yes, that does sound nice. It's unclear what the fuck these kids do, other than maybe plugging in annotations, setting up webstreams of house parties, as seen above, and buying bulk organic salads. If nothing more, Zach and Jeremy are diet lite versions of the guys who founded Rap Genius, as much self-promotional entities as businessmen. If your startup is based as much on hype and image as anything else—and it's unclear why you're worth millions of dollars on paper—you'll rest easy knowing people are still writing things like this about you:

So how was the party on Saturday? Filled with hipsters, a few rappers, a killer hip-hop playlist, some great booze, blunts, and other substances to medicate yourself with. Mahbod stuck to a strict diet of Scotch the whole night and when some Gucci Mane came on, he asked us jokingly, "Do you guys want to know what this song is about?" If I say anymore I could get into some trouble, but that's how the ballers of Poetry Genius live, work, and party in the hills of Bel Air.

A study by the Chinese army shows its troops are significantly fatter and taller than they were 20 years ago, meaning the average soldier won't be able to fit into the communists' tanks or behind their rifle butts soon. They should make awesome capitalist CEOs one day, though.

He. Can't. Shut. Up. In a new interview today, we learn George Zimmerman "absolutely" thinks he's a victim, just like "our fallen soldiers"; that he doesn't defend himself against enemies he calls "dragons"; and that he's never been racist, is always armed, and is living "the most Christlike that I can."

Zimmerman—the self-appointed nightwatchman, the killer of Trayvon Martin, the alleged abuser of women, the copier of copyrighted images, and the boxer of many shadows—has said a lot of shit in his recent televised smarm offensive. (It's apparent from these interviews that he can't even see himself as charming, so it's hard to see what other offensive there is to wage here.)

But in a long sit-down interview with Fusion TV host Derrick Ashong, airing in its entirety this evening, Zimmerman turns the hypocritical batshit to 11. ("I believe that as a young black male, I too have a role to play in holding people like Zimmerman accountable, if only in the court of public opinion," Ashong says.)

Here are the video lowlights, with transcription—major WTFs are bolded:

1. The one where Zimmerman compares himself to Christ, says he never reflects on his profiteering, and claims his paintings are a part of him.

ASHONG: What do you for work now? How do you sustain yourself?

ZIMMERMAN: Family. You know the paintings are out there. And pretty widely known.

ASHONG: …I understand you recently sold one for $100,000, or thereabouts?

ZIMMERMAN: The seller, and the price, was not disclosed. It was a private seller, private sale. But I will tell you it well exceeded my expectations. [Laughs.]

ASHONG: …Some people will argue that you're profiting off the tragic loss of another person's life, the actual killing of a kid. How would you explain it?

ZIMMERMAN: I don't. To be quite honest with you. That percentage of negativity, I don't respond, I don't pay attention to it. It doesn't affect me. I try to move on with my life and just live the most Christlike that I can. I'm 2.5 million dollars in debt, so I have to do something to earn a living and keep a roof over my head.

I do still enjoy my painting. I actually owe the Associated Press, um, my gratitude, because they stopped me from selling the second painting, and it wasn't until they put a stop to it that I realized that I didn't want to sell these paintings. It was like a piece of me. That canvas was blank. That piece of me is gone.

ASHONG: Do you think that you will ever be able to have anything resembling a normal life?

ZIMMERMAN: Um, I hate to sound jaded by what's happened, but in all sincerity I plan for the worst and hope for the best. Whatever it is, I hope that God loves me and uses me for whatever he has planned.

2. The one where Zimmerman insists he doesn't have a race problem, man.

ASHONG: First, simple question: Are you a racist?

ZIMMERMAN: No.

ASHONG: Okay. And when you look at this particular issue, do you understand why people are so animated about the racial component of the entire case?

ZIMMERMAN: No.

ASHONG: No. And when you look specifically at the situation that happened, if the races involved were reversed, do you think that the outcome would have been the same?

ZIMMERMAN: Which outcome?

ASHONG: The legal outcome.

ZIMMERMAN: Um. I'm not certain. I would believe that it would be identical.

ASHONG: Do you feel that there is a racial problem or some sort of sense of existing ongoing racism within American society?

ZIMMERMAN: Um, growing up in a biracial household, we never saw color. We were raised with two girls, they were African American, both of them doctors, great girls…and they were our sisters and we never saw race.

I think that by seeing— to answer your question directly, yes I think there is a problem, because I have seen such strong opinions on both sides. I don't see it personally because I don't take offense to a lot of things, that's just how I was raised. Let it roll off your back. I can't say that I have ever experienced it, and I can certainly say that I've never acted in any way racist towards another race. Any race.

3. The one where Zimmerman is a victim, just like "all our fallen soldiers," and he has conspiracy theories but nothing to say to Trayvon Martin's parents.

ASHONG: Do you feel like you've been a victim?

ZIMMERMAN: Absolutely.

ASHONG: Of what?

ZIMMERMAN: There's so many different aspects. I feel the people in power, like Gov. Scott, cowered to political pressure and shredded the Constitution, and spit in the face of all our fallen soldiers, and went through with a malicious prosecution, simply for political pressure.

ASHONG: So you feel you shouldn't have been prosecuted at all.

ZIMMERMAN: The Sanford Police Department investigated, conducted a full investigation, and found that there was no crime, that it was self-defense. Seminole County state attorney's office investigated and said there was no crime, that it was self-defense. It wasn't until Governor Scott called his friend [attorney general] Pam Bondi, and said 'Get somebody to prosecute him,' and they appointed Angela Corey from Duval to come to Seminole County, that I was charged.

ASHONG: But the Martin family—I know you said you don't watch the news so maybe you haven't seen some of the interviews with them—they clearly feel very differently from how you do. Have you spoken with them at all?

ZIMMERMAN: I've not spoken to the Martin-Fulton family at all. Um.

ASHONG: And if you had a chance at all to speak with them, what would you say?

ZIMMERMAN: Because of the ongoing civil rights violation investigation by the Department of Justice, I wouldn't say anything to them.

4. The one where Zimmerman gunsplains that "gun control isn't working."

ASHONG: Let's talk a little bit about guns. That night obviously, you were armed, and you had not gone out I understand looking for anyone in particular. Why were you armed?

ZIMMERMAN: I was always armed. For a few reasons. One is I don't know if you were aware of it or not but there were a lot of breaking in the neighborhood, and I felt like it was careless to leave my gun in the house.

The second one was, things happen in a fraction of a second, and you never know… you know, I didn't know if my nephew was gonna be at my house when I get home being mauled by a dog. So, um, it was just a part of my daily routine. I took it with me everywhere except for work and school.

ASHONG: So if you were going to the supermarket, you were going to the movies, you would always carry a firearm.

ZIMMERMAN: Yes sir.

ASHONG: You see that there's been a lot of controversy about these school shootings, mass killings, obviously your own case and others, where people have been shot who were either unarmed or for whatever reason, people perceive that there was an injustice committed. Do you feel that it makes our society safer if everyone were to take your stance?

ZIMMERMAN: I think that the way our forefathers had it planned with the Second Amendment is exactly the way it should be. I think that those that are entitled to carry arms should have the right to carry arms—we do have the right to carry arms—

ASHONG: Just let me interrupt you there. When you say "those who are entitled to," explain what you mean there.

ZIMMERMAN: There are obviously states that conduct mental health backgrounds and stuff like that...

ASHONG: Do you support that? And background checks?

ZIMMERMAN: Um, I haven't done enough research to support or oppose, um, but to be quite honest, I trust the government and the officials enough to hope that they're doing the right thing when it comes to that.

ASHONG: …A lot of people who support the Second Amendment support it because they don't trust the government… Do you feel that guns are making our society safer or that the easy access for many people to guns is part of the problem?

ZIMMERMAN: And again I hate speaking out of school here because I don't know the exact statistics, but I mean if you look at states that don't permit liberal gun laws, and concealed weapons carry—um, California, um, New York—I mean, if you look at the crime statistics from there, there's a reason I believe that gun control isn't working.

Ashong and his producers, incidentally, point out that California and New York violent crime rates have dropped more dramatically in recent years than those in much of the rest of the country.

George Soros, one of history's most successful investors, has wagered $1.3 billion that the U.S. stock market is going to crash soon. The average American is wagering the opposite.

The stock market's huge rally in 2013 has done wonders for the generally paltry 401K retirement accounts of the Americans lucky enough to have them: balances are at all time highs. At the same time, Americans are borrowing more—household debt rose by more in the last quarter than it has since just before the 2008 recession.

Even the investments of Wall Street bankers are doing well!

The only people who seem not to be participating in this market-driven economic boom time (besides the, ah, bottom two-thirds of wage earners) are the sad sacks who followed the American Dream blueprint to the letter by taking out student loans in order to further their educations and make something of themselves. All that student loan debt is making them unable to buy their first homes. Wow, great job of contributing to our nation's ever-advancing economic machine, hardworking college graduates— not.

Anyhow, the point is that the stock market has been on a relatively uninterrupted run up for more than two years now, and average people just like you are gazing happily at your eye-popping 401K balances, dreaming of all the toys and trips that the booming economy will provide for you as you sit back and ride the ever-rising tide of the S&P. And you borrow and borrow more, confident that the appreciation of your investments will cover you. And, by doing this—by giving in to confidence and dreamy belief in your solid economic future—you play your own small part in helping to bring about the moment when the music stops, and those debts are called in, and the market craters, and George Soros makes his next billion dollars.

George Soros thanks you, American dreamers!

[Photo: AP]

The months-long standoff between Ukraine's strongarm pro-Russian president and opposition protesters in the streets of Kiev, the capital, has turned grisly in recent hours, with 18 deaths reported in clashes between police and the demonstrators. This gripping livestream is being broadcast from Kiev's main square:

The most recent round of intense violence apparently began when government authorities tried and failed spectacularly to regain control of Kiev's main square from the demonstrators who have camped there since late last year. Via the New York Times:

Mayhem gripped the center of the Ukrainian capital on Tuesday evening as riot police officers tried to drive two armored personnel carriers through stone-reinforced barriers in Independence Square, the focal point of more than two months of protests against President Viktor F. Yanukovych.

Pelted by rocks and fireworks, the vehicles became stuck in the massive barricades outside the Khreschatyk Hotel and burst into flames, apparently trapping the security officers inside, prompting desperate rescue efforts from their colleagues.

All hell subsequently broke loose. Here's all the latest from Kiev.

Update 7:56 p.m. EST: Opposition leader Vitaly Klitschko says that he and other opposition heads have called off talks with President Yanukovych, who Klitschko says refuses to end the siege on the protesters. At least 21 people are dead, including at least eight police officers; here's an AP photo of protestors carrying a wounded police officer.

The large Trade Union building on the square, which was being used by protestors as a headquarters, has been set on fire with people inside.

Update, 6:15 p.m. EST: Vice President Joe Biden called Ukranian president Viktor Yanukovych, urging him to withdraw police and expressing "grave concern" over the situation.

Update, 5:20 p.m. EST: Police have stormed into the square again, attempting to rout the protestors. The New York Times is now reporting 13 dead, and officials have raised the toll to 18. On the livestream, amplified speeches from protest leaders are still punctuated by fireworks, small explosions, and lobbed Molotov cocktails.

Photos of the scene from AP and AFP/Getty:

An anti-government protester runs during clashes with riot police. Photo by Efrem Lukatsky via AP.

Anti-government protesters. Photo by Genya Savilov via AFP/Getty Images.

Riot police storm the square. Photo by Efrem Lukatsky via AP.

An anti-government protester finds cover. Photo by Efrem Lukatsky via AP.

Fires burn in the streets as anti-government protesters clash with police. Photo by Alexander Koerner via Getty Images.

Monuments to Kiev's founders burn. Photo by Efrem Lukatsky via AP.

The iconic square turned into a war zone as riot police moved slowly through opposition barricades from several directions, hurling stun grenades and using water cannon to clear protestors. Photo by Genya Savilov via AFP/Getty Images

Update, 2:17 p.m. EST: This Reuters video captures some of the crazy:

And here are some Associated Press images from the day's events:

Protesters apparently attempted to improve on barricades blocking the progress of government forces.

When the forces clashed, many protesters did so armed with improvised weapons.

Here, a protester armored in a motorcycle helmet lobs a stone.

Some protesters have improvised flame throwers and firearms from what appear to be flares.

The clashes have been hazardous to police and protesters alike.

It's not clear how the standoff will end now that it has entered a more dynamic, more violent stage.

This is a perfect moment of television: Kathie Lee Gifford provided the set and then Elaine Stritch spiked an F-bomb right in her face earlier on the Today show.

"Elaine, you are so beloved," gushed Katie Lee to the showbiz legend/celebrity most likely to hit you over the head with her umbrella. "As much for your work, but for your mouth. You know, you say whatever you want to say! Whenever did that all happen?"

Stritch responded by rambling about "it" not having been "passed on television." "If you just say things naturally, it's fine!" Stritch exclaimed. "You know, they just think in fuck."

Whatever that means. Not that it matters. Elaine Stritch said "fuck" on live TV. That's what it means.

In response, Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee assured everyone that Stritch's F-bomb had been bleeped (it hadn't). Additionally, Kotb held her nose, while Gifford held onto Stritch's feet, which had been in her lap for the entire interview.

This is excellent promo for Stritch's documentary, Shoot Me, which opens this week.

The end of their interview was just as entertaining, if less scandalous. Stritch started wrapping up with a promise to deliver a line that somehow went unsaid in Shoot Me, though she ended up running out the clock by going on and on in her setup of the line. When rushed by Katie Lee, Stritch barked jokingly (except totally not), "You are not getting the last line in this morning's show!"

And then she kept talking until she was cut off by the commercial break, mid-sentence. It was broken, but she got the last line (at least of the segment).

One of a kind, this woman. They don't make 'em like Stritch anymore.

Vulture has a Vine of Stritch's fuck bomb if you want to hear it on an infinite loop (you do).

What does Chevron owe the people of a small Pennsylvania town after two of the oil giant's fracking wells exploded and burned for five days? A free pizza and a two-liter bottle of soda, that's what. At least that's better than being immediately killed in the explosion.

Philly.com reports that Chevron sent out some "free pizza" vouchers (actually just handwritten gift certificates) to the Bobtown residents who live near the disaster site. The pizza vouchers were delivered with a letter from Chevron dated February 16:

"We are sorry to have missed you," the unsigned form letter from Chevron says. Then there's a carefully worded non-apology and, crucially, the voucher for a "special combo only" of a large pizza and a jug of soda from Bobtown Pizza.

Because life is especially uncertain when your neighborhood can explode and burn for days at any moment, thanks to the deadly fracking wells everywhere, the pizza voucher expires on May 1.

A man who was working at the site of the explosion is "presumed dead," because no trace of him has been found.

Both wells continue leaking natural gas into the air, and Chevron was given special permission to take a million gallons from nearby Dunkard Creek to pour over the noxious wells and sink back into the groundwater supply. Drinking water poisoned by the fracking industry is responsible for a wave of illness and disease in Southwest Pennsylvania, although the area's boom in natural gas fracking is just six years old—longer term exposure to many of the poisons produced by the wells, such as benzene, are known causes of cancer and birth defects.

Like many parts of Pennsylvania, the rural community of Bobtown is covered with fracking wells. The government of Pennsylvania is completely owned and operated by the natural gas industry, to the point where it's illegal for doctors in the state to let patients know that fracking is killing people.

Ken Layne writes Gawker's American Journal. Image of fracking in South Montrose, Pennsylvania, via Getty Images.

In October, when Gwyneth Paltrow threw a temper tantrum over a then-upcoming Vanity Fair profile, gossip was that the actress and aspirational-lifestyle sage was upset about rumors of marital infidelity. At the time, Page Six speculated that the actress was trying to hide a purported affair with Elle MacPherson's husband—the Miami billionaire Jeff Soffer.

Now Vanity Fair has published a piece in its March issue "on the Gwyneth Paltrow love/hate phenomenon," as editor Graydon Carter describes it. Earlier this month, Carter released part of his monthly editor's letter in advance, including a denial that the magazine's story would contain any "bombshell revelations." He reiterated that claim today in, publishing the complete text of the missive.

Under the coy headline "The Paltrow Affair," Carter's letter reveals nothing interesting about his Paltrow investigation, except for the embarrassing fact that he finds her website Goop "no more elitist or out of touch than many women's magazines." He performs his role of judicious gatekeeper of information about the stars:

We'll save our gunpowder for bigger stories. And so, sorry as we are to disappoint all those many people out there, for the time being we'll leave it to another publication to roll out the "epic bombshells" surrounding Gwyneth Paltrow. It's a story I might read. I just don't want to publish it.

Now read it Carter can. No sooner was his note up than Whisper, the popular anonymous secret-sharing app, immediately published a specific rumor: According to this particular image macro, Paltrow is cheating on her anodyne-rock megastar husband, Chris Martin, not with Soffer, but with Hollywood lawyer Kevin Yorn.

Whisper is the first of several mobile apps intended to let people anonymously broadcast secrets—from whistle-blowing to gossip. But this particular posting apparently comes with a provenance. Whisper's editor-in-chief (and former Gawker internet editor) Neetzan Zimmerman tweeted the message out from his own account.

We asked him to clarify the source:

I can't reveal their identity for obvious reasons, but it's a person with extremely close ties to Gwyneth who came to us directly after Graydon Carter wrote that missive about why VF walked away from the Paltrow profile last year.

I have no reason to suspect they're lying about this, and if anyone would know the truth, this person would.

So Goop herself is not only having a rumored secret affair with an entertainment lawyer—that affair is why Vanity Fair dropped the story? We emailed her publicist, Stephen Huvane, for comment. He wrote back (all sic):

That is absolutely 100 percent false. The sours at Whisper is clearly a fake

Three minutes later, he emailed us again:

What exactly is Whisper anyway?

We attempted to explain the app, to which he responded:

This is clearly a fabricated story with no credibility at all.

Ten minutes later, he followed up for the fourth time:

The only time Gwyneth has even recently seen Kevin Yorn (who she knows only casually through business contacts) was on a flight from NY-LA. Gwyneth was flying with her assistant and the CEO of Goop and Kevin coincidentally was also in the first class section. I cannot be more clear with you when I say she is NOT having an affair with Kevin Yorn and I will be notifying her attorneys as well.

We'll keep updating the Huvane emails. In the meantime, if you know anything, drop us a line at tips@defamer.com.

[Images via Whisper, Getty]

The Nybro Action Team consists of Hjalmar Sveinbjőrnsson and Alex Bejerstrand, two under-employed friends and former Nybro residents now living in northern Sweden. Hjalmar is a student and a chef; Alex helps run his father's talent agency. They will be recapping Season 3 of HBO's Girls.

Thirty-seven hours into my final goodbye toward nicotine and cigarettes, needed some wine to make this tolerable, today I hate everything and Alex is glad not to be living with me as he has gone through the last time I tried stop, I manage 3 months and now I plan on stopping for good, lets hope the best but who the fuck cares so lets get this over with before I dig out my own lungs with a "wire-hanger" to make a glass of freshly squeezed nicotine blood juice.

It starts with Marnie arranging some flowers, placing name tags on different bed's and then stepping out on a balcony of a house that looks right out of a Hitchcock film, the title GIRLS is embedded over the screen, welcome to the seventh episode of this show titled "Beach house."

In the next frame we see a bus pull up at a pier where Marnie awaits her friends. Hannah is the first one to step off the bus. I thought I was a person that didn't care about fashion but I guess I do, that is one ugly fucking outfit, next one is Shosh with her squint up face of total ignorance asking "Is this the Hampton?" Marnie corrects her, telling her this place is for people that find the Hampton "too tacky" and don't want to sit on a beach wearing J. Crew or something, anyway just wasted on Shosh.

Marnie asks where Jessa is and if she even showed up, Hannah explains that she is coming, she wanted to sit on the back of the bus for political reason, moments later she makes her exit with a pair of seniors that she has been chatting with and is saying her goodbyes "So glad to meet you, you guys are the best!" and then goes on asking Marnie if its okay if they can hang-out with us this weekend. Marnie thinks its a problem because she borrowed the house from her mom's friend, Jessa says its okay because they would probably not show anyway, it was more of a token of "weird sound with her mouth"
(I tried and I tried, cant hear what she says).

We are in the hallway and entree of the house where the girls scramble inside each to claim the best room. Hannah says you cant claim a room without saying "shotgun" (that is not how it works … if you are going to claim a room you shot "MINE" and let out a steamy fart or the best you can muster). Marnie already knew this was going to happen, that being the reason for the first scene of the show, Shoshanna is put "where-ever"," Jessa gets the most "bohemian place" or the light house and Hannah and Marnie have the only room that are connected, she looks generally creeped out by that notion, but her friend insists its going to be just like old times.

We are outside and the girls are having fun in and around the pool, frequent scenes of them jumping in to the pool but the "play-time" ends when Jessa tries to hold Hannah's head under the water. We cut to the beach that is front of the house where they are sun bathing on the rocky beach and I delete and rewrite couple of sentences about fifty times in blood shot moment of rage, I have never hated characters in a show as much, its like someone pitch me a blend of "It's always sunny in Philadelphia" and "Curb my enthusiasm" but the whole time explaining to me that its not a comedy, not even a drama because life has ALL those elements. But let me just write down the sentences that made me watch Family Feud bloopers for about an hour before I could re-turn to this cesspit of Lena Dunham characters creation

Hannah: This is so hard on my feet, I am not staying down here, its like a monsoon is brewing

Marnie: Its the best swimming condition imaginable, I am having the best time of my life

Jessa: I cant go into open water unless I am menstruating

Sosh: nods her head in agreement to what Jessa said

Marnie: You guys, we are so disconnected right now; I thought this was a good opportunity for us to have fun together and yeah prove to everyone via Instagram that we can still have fun as a group

I don't know why that infuriated me in such a way but to keep up with my journalistic credential I asked four different ladies about this "menstruation in open water" part and none of them even got the joke.

I guess that is suppose to be the "comedy" element of this show, how shallow and terrible they all are but cant they at least make two or three characters likable instead of just Ray that seams like he is going to be "killed off" any moment. If we are getting this total wrong then "buh hu" because everyone is entitled to an opinion, just depending on how loud they have to shot, but the Instagram part we found the most fucked and its incredible how shallow Marnie manage to be in open waters and the fact Jessa says NOTHING about that comment.

We end this beach scene about Hannah complaining about the wind and Marnie shooting down Jessa's ideas about playing some rehab trust games, basically saying "It is not a bad idea but I think it sucks because its not how I imagined it" and then announcing they need to go and shop for dinner. Next we see them cycling down a road heading to town, Marnie asking Hannah if she should not be wearing clothes and shoes instead just a bikini, her answer is "its a beach town," cut to next scene where Hannah is asked to leave the first shop they go into because "no shoes, no service."

Hannah is standing outside the shop glaring into the windows when a group of guys make comments about her being a "spring breaker," turns out that its Elijah her ex-boy friend recently out of the closet homosexual with a trio of other like minded men. Hannah is not pleased but realized that maybe if she gets them to come tonight it wont be as weird as Marnie forcing the whole group to forget everything that has happen in the last 3-4 years and go back to being "bff" instead the wreck that Marnie finds her life to be and surroundings have become.

A short conversation between them were they both agree that Marnie is a control freak, they are going to but all this behind them and Elijah and his friends agree to come to the beach house to save the night from a forced "healing the wounds of broken friendship."

The group is sitting around in the living room having a nice time when Marnie comes in asking Hannah If she could follow her into the next room for a "tick check," she seems pissed of but when they get into the back room Hannah explains to her this could be amazing because Elijah was the cause of this rift between them and it should be appropriated that he is there for the closing of it and those people are theater people and you love "those kind of people," kind of prejudiced towards theater people but lets carry on with out noticing, I do it constantly.

Next scene please and we are out on the balcony, the people are laughing and having fun, Elijah has to go inside and check up on Marnie that is cooking dinner alone. He asks her what she is making "its a julienne vegetable salad from the cook book The art of France cooking." None of those statement being entirely true but cooking when done right is an art form, and art is not suppose to be subjected to terms, but when you say "julienne" it means just the size it should be cut into and I would not call some strips of carrots, leeks and what looks like to be zucchini a salad, especially because later on she seems to have sauteed it (stir fried).

But anyway, Elijah is just trying to make up with Marnie so maybe I should not focus on the cooking, but hey he is also trying to get "an forgiveness" out of her so we are probably both wrong so just go a head and stir fry that fucking salad of yours. In the background Hannah dances to a hip-hop song while pouring water over herself, Elijah thinks Hannah is in a fantastic place while Marnie is disgusted, either by her figure or what the song is referring to, that is up to you to decide.

We are in one of the rooms where Hannah and Elijah's boyfriend are having a talk in private about their better halves, he says he has no idea what Elijah does with his days, supposed to be working or taking care of this dance-group but every time he calls him it sounds like he has been jerking off. Hannah tries to save this by saying Adam jerks off all the time but thankfully uses half of his energy into jerking or she would be a "pounded out piece of meat" or how I would word it "escalopes," just because Lena is playing with "cooking terms" this episode. But right after she says "pounded out etc." he tells her that she reminds him of a friend he just loves, she is always trying new thinks and bathes like ones a month. Elijah steps into the room and gets asked if Hannah does not remind him of her, only replay is "She is fat as shit" and then leaves. "You are WAY skinnier then her" the boyfriend says to try to save the situation unsuccessfully.

We are back outside where Marnie described her breakup to Elijah that tells her that it was the saddest story ever, in the background one of the friends is dancing some Broadway "never made it" dance. Marnie mentions her and Ray but Elijah is shocked and asked "when did you start hanging out with old-man Ray?" Instead of defending the old-man she heads inside to learn that dance, and in the end the whole gang gets called in for a "rehearsal" and in only couple of minutes the whole group has synced up and performing their little dance number, but in the end of course Marnie wants it done again so they can iron all the kinks out, one of them being Hannah's timing.

Ends up the reason being that Marnie is still pissed at her for inviting the cast of "magic Mike" for dinner, because if things can't be perfect they are supposed to be as close to perfect, like when you have food for four people that you actually have for four people for dinner to enjoy perfectly. Marnie is mad, the guys want to Google map "Dominos" and Shoshanna, well beyond tipsy, calls Hannah out for hogging all the empathy. Marnie brings up the duck again that defiantly was not a duck in real life, looked more like chicken, but Shosh thought it tasted like a used condom, this friend group is breaking up and my need for a cigarettes is not as bad as it was couple of hours ago, I should have written up this fight but if you been following the girls Recap or just the show it selfs you can pretty much fill up the blanks.

Best think Shosh has said during this whole three season: What are we ?, like a fucking Jane Austin novel? Recommend people to catch this bit, it starts 22 minutes in.

Pointless to write more, this some recap somehow ended as nearly 3 pages of nothingness, just bottled up emotions, shitty narcissistic view points and us the Nybro Action Team up to our earlobes.

I recommend for people to search for the song "Long Time" by "Deer Tick," light them if you got them, drag the smoke deep and lean back on whatever supports you because at this moment life is stupid and you are the center of it.

Join us next time when my hatred of everything has died down a little and we recap the eighth episode.

Illustrations by Alex Bejerstrand. Read previous installments of Nybro Action Team! here.

Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher was just an ordinary guy living in Toledo when overnight he became the darling of the GOP after sparring with then-presidential hopeful Barack Obama in 2008. After riding a gravy train of Fox News appearances, stumping and a political run of his own, he's now back to being an ordinary Toledoan — working at Chrysler.

As you might remember, "Joe the Plumber" wasn't actually a licensed plumber, but did hold a variety of odd jobs following his 2008 run-in with Obama. Sometime this month, he posted on Facebook that he began working at "Chrysler Corporation," apparently unaware that his new employer is now named Fiat Chrysler Automobiles.

If you're not familiar with Toledo, it's where Chrysler builds the Jeep Wrangler and Cherokee. Wurzelbacher didn't say what he's doing with Chrysler now, but says he's been given shit from other co-workers because of his political history, which includes stances against the types of unions he's now required to be a member of if he wants employment:

"In order to work for Chrysler, you are required to join the Union, in this case UAW. There's no choice – it's a union shop – the employees voted to have it that way and in America that's the way it is," he wrote.

"I had three days of orientation, and now I'm "on the job" over here at Chrysler and on Day 4, I'm outside on a break smoking a cigarette and right on cue – some guy calls me a 'teabagger,'" he said.

"Yes, I have a website that puts out conservative news. Yes, I am part owner of a gun company. Yes, I'm a Republican who was cast into the limelight for having the temerity to confront Barack Obama on the question of redistributing wealth… But I'm a working man and I'm working," he wrote.

Wurzelbacher last made headlines when he ran for a congressional seat in Ohio, which he lost. But before that, he had this to say at an anti-union rally against Wisconsin state employees seeking collective bargaining rights: "Unions don't deserve anything, you don't deserve anything, you work for it yourself!"

His stance on unions has lightened, apparently. "Private unions, such as the UAW, is a choice between employees and employers. If that is what they want then who am I to say you can't have it?" he wrote on Facebook.

Photo via AP

If your religion is apeshit racist ring-wingnut douchery with a side of tabloid pablum, WorldNetDaily is your online Jerusalem, pilgrim. Be sure to bring it a big offering, though: Google is blocking ads from popping up on the site over its obsession with "black mobs."

Via the creamy nougat center of this nut pageant:

WASHINGTON – The world's most powerful Internet search engine has accused WND of using "hate speech" and has threatened to block ads on the news site over its use of the term "black mobs" in news stories and columns reporting on a two-year epidemic of racial attacks in the U.S.

In response, WND is preemptively blocking Google ads in content in which that phrase appears in past and current stories, including this one. Other ad providers have agreed to step in and fill the gap.

Joseph Farah, editor and CEO of WND, said the Google policy is flawed because it "attempts to censor words and phrases that are truthful and accurate from First Amendment-protected media on the basis of political correctness and faulty algorithmic methodology."

In response to queries from WND, Google cited its AdSense policies against using "derogatory racial or ethnic slurs to refer to an individual or group," and knocked WND's 670 "black mob" stories—yes, 670!—for "making sweeping generalizations about a group."

Balderdash! cried Farah, the poppa birther whose Grecian Formula-infused baguette-sized mustache is the blackest thing on the "news" site:

"Google is clearly assigning motives to our reporting on the basis of the linking of two words – 'black mobs,'" explained Farah. "Euphemisms for two perfectly accurate words must now be found because Google has determined that the linking of these two words is hate speech. When one of the most powerful media companies in the world starts banning words and phrases and imposing its speech police standards on all those it does business with, we are headed down a dangerous, Orwellian slippery slope."

The term "black mobs" as used in the more than 670 WND reports is not a pejorative term, explained Farah.

Defining black is self-explanatory, and the dictionary defines mob as a disorderly or riotous crowd of people, a crowd bent on or engaged in lawless violence, a group of persons, the common people; the masses; populace or multitude or a criminal gang, especially one involved in drug trafficking, extortion, etc.

Plus, there's no way that talking about black thugs and black mobs can make WND racist, because some of its best friends are—well, you know:

The idea that WND somehow has racist motivations is bizarre, said Farah, especially when fully 20 percent of the site's regular weekly columnists are black – including Sowell, Star Parker, Walter Williams, Eric Rush, Mychal Massey, Ellis Washington, Selena Owens, Ben Kinchlow, Alan Keyes and Larry Elder, not to mention other black WND columnists like Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson and Albert Thompson.

"Everyone in America today knows about the ugliness of the 'knockout game' as a result of this reporting," Farah said. "It all originated in WND. We cannot and should not be forced to sanitize our compelling reporting on a subject of national importance because it is labeled thoughtlessly and falsely as 'hate speech.'"

"They say truth is an absolute defense in libel cases," he wrote. "But what about when you're accused of 'hate speech'? What then? Is truth a defense?"

In the interest of truth, below are the headlines for some "related stories" that popped up on WND's anti-Google rant. Enjoy!

You had one job, Wisconsin National Guard funeral pallbearers, and it didn't involve you posing all gangsta-like with the casket.

Would you pay $21 for a green tea? Well, if you were cultured, you would, you goddam heathen. But since we can't take you out anyplace nice, let's instead swig our swirled leaves with Ryan Sutton, the food critic for Bloomberg News and enjoyer of one fat night in Chicago.

Sutton's got an enviable job; having graduated from reviewing fast-food fries (Shake Shack and Five Guys rule Ryan's yard), he's lately been on the hunt for haute fare that says: "Our white-shoe client is dropping us next week, run up their frigging expense account!"

He appears to have found it in "Grace, an often interesting, usually enjoyable and sometimes weird West Loop eatery that happens to be Chicago's second-most-expensive restaurant"—opened, Sutton explains, by a chef who left Chicago's most expensive restaurant:

When Grace's menu price rises to $205 in March, dinner for two, after wine pairings, tax and tip, will cost $861. If those numbers are unexpected, it's because Grace publishes neither its beverage-pairing prices nor its wine list online.

Tea can easily push things closer to $900. But the good news is, fellow aristocrats, that neither Israeli caviar nor Burgundy truffles command supplements here.

Oh, thank goodness! One really hates paying a premium to dine with one's rare peers, then having to pay yet more for the Kobe beef. Doesn't one.

So, like, how's the food at a restaurant that costs more to feed two for one night than most couples spend in a month? Surprisingly meh, even if offered with nice production values:

An army of servers glide through the dining room. A captain approaches with a canopy of juniper leaves holding flora, fauna, and a geothermal cooking device.

"Do not touch the hot rock," the waiter warns, an exhortation more common at venues hawking sizzling fajita platters. The rock is used to sear piece of tuna so aggressively that you burn your hand when you pick it up. For that injury you're rewarded with an overcooked, under-salted piece of fish.

Cool your palate with a few sips of satsuma orange juice infused with Jasmine tea. Then enjoy a one-bite amuse of king crab. It's been paired with warm butter that's been magically liquefied into a translucent, gumdrop-sized sphere. The sweetness of the shellfish and milk fat are distinct at first, but when the sphere bursts, everything comes together in gorgeously unctuous bliss. Such a transcendent preparation is a threat not just to your arteries, but to plastic ramekins at fish shacks throughout the world.

Believe it or not, this is a superb review, by Sutton's high-end standards. Consider last month's lukewarm report:

I had flown 820 miles to spend more than $700 at Next, a temporary steakhouse in Chicago... was it worth it? Well, that's a more complicated question.

Not really, after he suggested the place was guilty of "culinary scalping."

That came on the heels of a mild disappointment at a Boston tasting that set Sutton (or, his Bloomberg accountants) back $462:

I waited 159 seconds for a waiter to pick up and deliver a ready-to-eat piece of chu-toro nigiri. I should've walked across the room and picked it up myself. Alas, my good manners resulted in mediocre sushi.

Any restaurant can have an off night. It's just unfortunate that such oversights can happen at O Ya, with its destination status drawing diners in from out of town, and with one of America's most expensive tasting menus. So for now, I'd say O Ya is superb for a quick bite, not for dropping mad coin.

What gives here? Two months and thousands of dollars traipsing from Michelin-rated joint to joint, and all we learn is that they're all... just... restaurants?

But there's the genius of Sutton's beat. He serves two purposes: First, to paint a lovely picture for you of a place you will never, ever eat; and second, to confirm to you that you really wouldn't want to eat there for the money.

How well is he executing? Four and half moldy street falafels out of five. Bonne chance, mon ami!

[Photo credit: M. Cornelius/Shutterstock]

Blair Cornelia Waldorf and Seth Ezekiel Cohen were married recently in a private ("super-secret") ceremony, reports Us Weekly.

The bride attended both New York University and Columbia (after being rejected by Yale due to drama and sabotage), ultimately graduating from neither. The groom attended the Rhode Island School of Design for an indeterminate amount of time to pursue work on his pet project "Atomic County," a comic book inspired by his relationship with three high school friends.

The couple met during their twelfth year of being teenagers, at the commitment ceremony of their mutual friend (socialite and monster Serena van der Woodsen) to a mental institution.

Mrs. Cohen, 23, is president of the billion-dollar fashion house Waldorf Designs, which seems rather reckless.

She is the daughter of Eleanor Waldorf-Rose and Harold Waldorf, both of New York City. The bride's mother, now retired, is the founder of Waldorf Designs. Her father surprised everyone by being gay.

Mr. Cohen, 26, does something with apps.

He is the son of Sanford Cohen, of New York City, and Kirsten Cohen, of Newport Beach. The groom's father is a professor of law. His mother is co-founder of the high-income dating service NewMatch. Both Cohens previously served as CEOs of the Newport Group, a real estate & development company based in Orange County.

This is the second marriage for the groom and the third for the bride, who was briefly styled Her Serene Highness, Princess Blair of Monaco during a short-lived marriage to crown prince Louis Grimaldi, whose accent indicated he had never been there. She has one eccentrically dressed child, Henry Bass, from a previous marriage to a roller coaster tycoon.

The couple plan to raise their children in the church of their Divine Creator, Josh Schwartz.

[Image by Jim Cooke, photo via Getty]

Rhythm guitarist Bob Casale of Devo—"Bob 2" to lead guitarist Bob Mothersbaugh's "Bob 1," and younger brother of bassist Gerald Casale—died yesterday, reportedly of heart failure. Here is the band putting a cold shiny bolt-gun to the forehead of the staggering no-longer-youth culture of the '60s and '70s, covering "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" and thereby repudiating everything that the song had come to stand for.

Gentrification can't stop, won't stop. Artist and programmer Justin Blinder grabbed cached images from Google Street View featuring construction sites in Brooklyn and Manhattan over the past four years, then joined before-and-after pics together in a pretty eye-opening series he calls Vacated.

He sourced the sites with a little help from the NYC Department of Planning's PLUTO dataset, which allowed him to search by intersection—apparently major crossroads are more likely to have been recorded multiple times by the roving, camera-equipped vans.

While he created an interactive map of all new developments (it is super dense with pin-drops), it's Blinder's GIFs that really show how dramatic the shift has been. With Blinder's treatment, structures seem to appear from literally nothing—it's empty lot to new highrise in a second—and it's jarring to see the skyline shift so quickly.

But without context, these differences, however stark, offer little by way of background of what came before; for Blinder, this is part of the point.

Taken together, they represent a "physical façade of gentrification," he writes on his site. "One that immediately prompts questions by virtue of its incompleteness: 'Vacated by whom? Why? How long had they been there? And who's replacing them?'"

Facades is part of Envision New York 2017, a web-based project by non-profit More Art with the goal of engaging the community and getting folks actively involved. It's easy for locals to look around their neighborhood and get all kinds of nostalgic about what's gone, but awareness about the issues that may shape the future will—ideally—help them have an impact on what's next. [Justin Blinder]