Don’t worry, it’s very PG-13. Otherwise, beware of spoilers ahead.

Above you’ll find one of the weirder scenes in Netflix’s House of Cards—an expertly choreographed foreplay sequence between Francis J. Underwood, his wife Claire, and their young, hand-picked Secret Service agent, Edward Meacham.

It’s not without precedent: In the first season, Claire sleeps with Adam Galloway, a New York photographer; and Francis, sitting on the floor of his alma mater’s library with an old classmate, acknowledges the two men “messed around a couple of times.” (He also slept with Zoe Barnes.) But nowhere else do their desires for others, and each other, so neatly cohere and envelop the entire frame.

The scene is additionally noteworthy for the presence of Kevin Spacey, who rarely plays gay characters (one exception: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, portraying an antiques dealer who murders his lover), and is commonly understood to be gay.

Otherwise not much leads up to the encounter, and not much explains it afterward, except perhaps the Underwoods’ wish to demonstrate their power over someone like Meacham. Take away the specifics, and it’s...just like any other moment.

Deadspin When And Where To Watch The Olympic Hockey Quarterfinals | Gizmodo A Rat Map That Shows NYC's Restaurant Rodent Takeover | Jalopnik Insane Turbulence Sends Baby Flying, Puts Flight Attendant In ICU | Lifehacker How I Make a Living as a Writer (and You Can, Too) | Kinja Popular Posts

A deadly hazing event called the "glass ceiling game" that killed a Baruch College student has been ruled a homicide by a Pennsylvania coroner.

Chun Hsien "Michael" Deng died last December at a rental home in the Poconos where the New York-based Pi Delta Psi fraternity was holding a retreat.

Deng was fatally injured during a "glass ceiling" hazing event where older fraternity brothers hit blindfolded pledges in a frozen backyard.

The pledges were forced to wear a 20-pound backpack of sand before attempting to crawl through a "tunnel" made up of older brothers who actively tried to knock them down.

Authorities say that the fraternity brothers attempted to mount a botched coverup after they realized Deng had been hurt — even changing his clothes before taking him for help.

The members of Pi Delta Psi left Deng unconscious and unresponsive for more than an hour inside a rented home in rural Tunkhannock Township, Pa., before taking him for help.

They changed him into dry clothes and frantically Googled his symptoms — and then brought him to a hospital, according to a police affidavit seeking a search warrant.

After "some time," another fraternity brother drove Deng to the hospital, but it was too late. He was put on life support and died the next day.

[Screengrab via CBS]

No, this isn't a Bloomberg joke.

Via DNAinfo:

CITY HALL — An excavation at the city's political center has unearthed a 3-inch artifact that initially baffled archaeologists — until they realized it was one of the earliest documented feminine hygiene products in New York.

"At first we thought it was maybe a spice-grinder or needle case," said Alyssa Loorya, president of Chrysalis Archaeology, the firm that oversaw the dig, part of a Department of Design and Construction rehabilitation project at City Hall. "We were stumped."

The early incarnation of a douche — a hollow, cylinder with small holes at its top made from unidentified mammal bone — was found in a massive heap of buried garbage that dates back to between 1803 and 1815, Loorya said.

Here is what the "vaginal syringe" looked like when fully reassembled:

Archaeologists were reportedly stumped when they found the object, unsure of what it was for, until team member Lisa Geiger was working as a docent at Philadelphia's Mütter Museum—which, if you've never been there, go, because when else will you get to see that many fetuses and impacted colons in one room? Seriously, a case full of "vaginal syringes" is the least weird thing they have.

In any case, when Geiger ran across the Mütter's collection of early 19th century douches, she realized what the city hall excavation had unearthed. "Women used them for contraception, shooting solutions of astringents made from minerals or tree roots and barks into themselves before or after sex," in addition to doing some periodic cleaning, she said.

According to DNAinfo, the archaeologists "also found a second douche, but it wasn't completely intact." Then Bloomberg put on his clothes and left. Yow! Zing!

[Photo credits: Chrysalis Archaeology]

And you thought Pizza Hut couldn't get any more questionable. One of the chain's West Virginia outposts was shut down recently after surveillance camera footage showed a district manager peeing into a dishroom sink.

Although the incident happened after business hours (and at least he wasn't peeing into the pizza), authorities generally view relieving oneself in the area where things get sanitized as a violation of health code. A sign on the door of the shuttered restaurant says that it was temporarily closed because of "conditions within the establishment constituting a substantial hazard to the public health," and it could be days or even weeks before the restaurant reopens. In the meantime, the restaurant's fans will just have to settle for real food instead.

[H/T Uproxx]

We would never deign to call an Olympic sport "easy." Eating muffins is easy. Sports at least require some motion. But if you, the average non-Olympic athlete, really needed to make the Olympic team in a pinch, you would clearly choose bobsled as your "sport."

Some people, often referred to as morons, are—right this very minute—piping up to say, "Curling!" Sure, curling is not the most "athletic" sport. But you think curling is easy? Curling is an unathletic sport-pastime, which places it in the same category as pool and darts. Do you think that if there were an Olympic pool team, you could make it? Hell no!!! Is your name the same as that of a Paul Newman character??? Then no!!! People spend their entire lives getting good at these bizarre little activities! There are darts players who, though they may be beer-bellied and half-drunk, possess an amount of skill in that one single arena that exceeds the skill of a surgeon at surgery. Their arena just happens to be a useless bar game. Still, you could never beat them at it without a lifetime of practice.

No, what you need is something that requires very little practice, and only rudimentary athletic skills. Hello, bobsled. Let me describe to you the entire skill set that an athlete must possess in order to qualify as a member of the U.S. Olympic Bobsled Team:

1. Push the bobsled down the ice.

2. Jump into the bobsled.

That is it. The guy who steers the bobsled has to have some steering skills. We wouldn't try out for that position. The single most easy athletic position to learn in all of Winter or Summer Olympic sports is "the person who pushes the bobsled and sits in back." Indeed, that is why Olympic bobsled teams are populated by people like Herschel Walker and Lolo Jones, who have never even touched a bobsled before. They just have strong legs.

Did you know that you only need to push the sled 50 meters before jumping in? That's like half a 100-yard dash. You don't even need endurance!

Here is a list of every single Olympic sport. I defy you to point to one that requires less skill than pushing a big metal can down the ice for 50 meters and then hopping in that motherfucker. Archery? A lifetime of practice. Rhythmic gymnastics? Ditto. Luge? That shit ain't easy, my friend. Only the bobsled offers the unique combination of not requiring any specialized skills, and depending almost entirely on an athletic attribute accessible to the common man.

Any reasonably athletic motherfucker with strong legs and some time on his hands could conceivably be on the bobsled team.

Have you been feeling "blah?" Do you fear that your life lacks purpose? If you start training now, you could be on the 2018 U.S. (or, if possible, smaller and more obscure nation) Winter Olympic Bobsled team! If you commit to doing plenty of Super Squats and power cleans and pushing a Prowler sled around a lot and running some 50-yard sprints with a parachute tied to your back for four years, you have at least a fair to middling chance of not embarrassing yourself at the Olympic trials. You can't say as much for any other sport. Hell, I'd do it myself, if only I could find a patriotic company to sponsor my humble dream ($400K/ year plus travel expenses).

It's literally just running down the ice for a short distance.

[Photo: Getty]

Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott, Wendy Davis' Republican opponent in the Lone Star State's gubernatorial race, is campaigning with Ted "Obama is a subhuman mongrel" Nugent. So, yeah: Go Wendy Davis, go.

Last week, in probable violation of several medical privacy laws, the Harvard Crimson's weekly magazine, Fifteen Minutes, published its inventory of the university's "15 Hottest Freshmen."

Many details about the infected population remain classified: Whether the hotness afflicting them is the result of a contagious dormitory bug; exactly what medical steps are being taken to correct their thermoregulatory disorders; if the condition will prove fatal. It is also unclear exactly how hot the freshmen are. (100°? 105°? Certainly can't tell by looking at them.)

The above photo, captured by Fifteen Minutes, was taken in a Cambridge restaurant apparently transformed into a makeshift quarantine station sometime around the bleak mid-winter holiday known as "Sad Christmas."

Looking at the image from a layman's perspective, there appear to be a number of quick fixes that might alleviate the discomfort caused by the freshmen's miserable hotness: the gentlemen could remove their blazers; the young women could tie their hair up in ponytails to get it off their necks; the student who wore a superfluous scarf to dinner could remove it.

To raise awareness of Harvard's hottest, most abject freshmen, Fifteen Minutes conducted a brief Q&A with each. (Kennedy's favorite book: "Jurassic Park"; Archibald I. H. Stonehill: is named that.) If you are interested in learning more about (and possibly sponsoring one of) the perilously balmy freshmen, click here.

[Image via Fifteen Minutes Magazine]

Chevy never has to issue reminders to drivers to not deliberately steer trucks into playgrounds, but people who choose to wear $1,500 computers on their faces need an extra lesson in how to be a member of society. First up: don't be a weird asshole. How generous of Google!

"As the [Glass] Explorer Community grows," Google explains, "so does their collective wisdom." Here are some bits of insight on how not to be an alienating sociopath while you walk around with a camera on your temple:

1. Remember to do other things besides play with the computer on your face:

Glass was built for short bursts of information and interactions that allow you to quickly get back to doing the other things you love. If you find yourself staring off into the prism for long periods of time you're probably looking pretty weird to the people around you. So don't read War and Peace on Glass. Things like that are better done on bigger screens.

2. Take off your face computer, sometimes:

Glass is a piece of technology, so use common sense. Water skiing, bull riding or cage fighting with Glass are probably not good ideas.

3. Remember that there are human beings around you, who are not you. Be prepared to interact with them:

Let's face it, you're gonna get some questions. Be patient and explain that Glass has a lot of the same features as a mobile phone (camera, maps, email, etc.). Also, develop your own etiquette. If you're worried about someone interrupting that romantic dinner at a nice restaurant with a question about Glass, just take it off and put it around the back of your neck or in your bag.

I'm sure the interrupted romantic dinner problem comes up a lot!

4. "Don't be creepy or rude." Verbatim, Google has to remind Glass users to not be this way:

(aka, a "Glasshole"). Respect others and if they have questions about Glass don't get snappy. Be polite and explain what Glass does and remember, a quick demo can go a long way. In places where cell phone cameras aren't allowed, the same rules will apply to Glass. If you're asked to turn your phone off, turn Glass off as well. Breaking the rules or being rude will not get businesses excited about Glass and will ruin it for other Explorers.

Some other tips, on the house:

• Look at people in the eye.
• Call your mother.
• Don't slap children.
• Don't pull a dog's tail.
• Laugh at jokes.
• Smile on birthdays.
• Drink water when you are thirsty.

That should cover the basics of our species. Join Google next time for a seminar on "how to say hello to your own parents."

Have you ever wondered whether your state's population is objectively better than those chumps up in North Dakota? We're one step closer to finding the answer, thanks to the folks at Nerve.

Using data from the sex-tracking app Spreadsheets, Nerve made a map displaying how long the average sex session is in each state. Bad news for North Dakota haters: the state actually seems to be doing pretty well for itself, with the average sex session clocking in at three minutes and eighteen seconds.

Granted, these times are only for people who are using the app, so if you live in Alaska (1:21), don't feel too bad. Maybe those Alaskans who track their sex times are just unusually swift. The times also don't encompass the entire realm of sexytime activities, like foreplay and half-assed massages–only the act itself is covered.

Still, we have to give it to New Mexico (7:01), whose population's sex sessions last nearly a minute and a half longer than those of the second-longest lasting state (West Virginia, 5:38). Maybe Walter White knows something we don't.

[H/T Nerve]

A 17-year-old Georgia JROTC student was fatally shot in his home last Friday by a law enforcement officer who mistook his Nintendo video game controller for a weapon, according to a lawyer for the boy's family.

The local officer who shot him was looking for the boy's father in the small town between Atlanta and Chattanooga, according to Atlanta's WSB-TV:

Christopher Roupe, 17, was in the ROTC at Woodland High School and wanted to join the Marines... Roupe's young life ended Friday night when Euharlee police officers showed up at the door of his home in the Eagle View Mobile Home Park to serve a probation violation warrant for his father.

A female police officer told GBI investigators that Roupe pointed a gun at her when he opened the door.

"It just doesn't add up," said Cole Law who is representing the Roupe family.

Law said Roupe was about to watch a movie.

"We don't know where that statement came from. The eyewitnesses on the scene clearly state that he had a Wii controller in his hand. He heard a knock at the door. He asked who it was, there was no response so he opened the door and upon opening the door he was immediately shot in the chest," Law said.

The officer, who was placed on leave pending a state-level investigation, was immediately remorseful, according to Ken Yates, a neighbor of the Roupes: "She came out of this house," he said. "She put her head in her hands and she was sobbing."

With a Diet Coke.

Via Reddit, this is a promotional video not for Chipotle—nothing good is meant to be eaten that quickly or voluminously—but for competitive eater Matt Stonie, who set a world record by eating 5.5 pounds of cake at his 21st birthday party and who supposedly planned to become a dietician after college.

Also, he says he can beat anybody at eating deep-fried asparagus. What the hell are you doing with your life?

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman skips to the newsstand to procure the celebrity weeklies (In Touch, Ok!, Us, Star, Life & Style) and together we peruse these silly nursery rhymes of gossip. This week: Kate Middleton is pregnant with a little princess; Juan Pablo is a "jerk" and an "asshole," and, like a car careening down an icy highway, Kim Kardashian's butt is out of control. Gather 'round and listen to these tall tales!

In Touch

MY BUTT WON'T STOP GROWING!

Kim Kardashian has "lost control" of her butt, alleges one of the grossest articles to ever grace the pages of a tabloid: "Her world-famous backside strained to escape the confines of her trousers while the universally dreaded muffin top poked over the top." From there, the magazine goes on to shame: "It's pathetic," says a "source," to gleefully quote mean Internet comments — some cruelest ones are superimposed on pictures of Kim (Fig. 1) — and to accuse her of "hiding the truth about her body" with oversized coats. The whole thing is horrible and vile, and it literally ends with this quote: "She wants to be famous for having a great butt — not a scary one." Goodnight, world. In other news, Miley Cyrus has reached a "new low" (which is impressive because her old "new low" was in the tabloid headlines just last week)! This newest low consists of sexual and drug-related antics in her Bangerz tour: "suggestively riding a hot dog, grinding on a little person dressed as the Liberty Bell and graphically simulating masturbation." Her concert-goers are reportedly "disgusted," but also that's maybe what she's going for: "She said she wanted people to leave feeling shocked and grossed out," says an insider. At least they're feeling something? Moving on: Justin Theroux didn't fly across the country for Jennifer Aniston's 45th birthday, signaling end times or something. Poor Jen spent the day "holed up alone in her new 8,500-square-foot Bel Air mansion" and eating at Soho House with her friends. OMG, SOUNDS MISERABLE. Finally, having spent quite a few pages shaming Kim Kardashian for her butt, the magazine doesn't want celebrity breasts to feel left out: there's a 4-page spread of "celebrity boob blunders." Fuck all of this. (Fig. 2)

Grade: F- (ashes, ashes we all fall down)

Ok!

KIM'S BODY CRISIS

In this week's SECOND cover story about Kim Kardashian's backside, the mag insists that Kim's butt is very much in her control — in fact, she's spending thousands on "constant fat injections" (is she hooked up to a butt-injection machine at all times? Maybe.) and padded underwear to make it appear bigger. She's also spending thousands on fillers and botox and face lifts because she's insecure and stressed about her upcoming wedding. Ugh, whatever. Moving on: Tori Spelling is very capable of raising her children alone now that Dean McDermott is in rehab; she's saving money and working hard to run the household by herself. She and Dean intend to work together to save their marriage, which they might be able to televise. Next: Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are so close to breaking up, for real this time, guys. This story is very stale and unoriginal, and the same bevy of details as usual are trotted out: she wants him to commit, he's an introvert, he maybe still loves Rachel McAdams. Yawn. In other news, Britney Spears dyed her hair light brown WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION, which has everyone worried because apparently no one in the world has anything better to fret about.

Grade: F (three blind mice… all ran after the farmer's wife, who cut off their tails with a carving knife)

Life & Style

BABY JOY & DRAMA

Carrie Underwood has a very perfect life and maybe, possibly wants to have a baby this year — so "baby joy" is a bit of a misnomer. Real quote from this article, about her life with her husband: "The lovebirds reign as Nashville's golden couple, with $80 million padding their thrones." Sounds fun! Kelly Clarkson, on the other hand, is having "baby drama," which mostly means that she has morning sickness and one time someone on the Internet said that her husband cheated on her. Great. Moving on, here's a THIRD angle on Kim Kardashian's butt: Kanye wants to have another baby, but Kim is so happy about her body that she refuses to get pregnant again. "She's just not ready to give up her $500,000 body," chirps the copy. Hmmm. The plot thickens (just kidding; it does not). In other news, Juan Pablo is a womanizer, which no one knew from watching the reality show in which he bumbles around a house filled with women and licks them all individually. Anyway, he's been photographed with a lot of women and been seen flirting a lot and maybe going to a strip club. Surprise! Next: Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato have all united against Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus might have hooked up with Justin Bieber while he was dating Selena, so the trio has imposed Party Sanctions upon Miley (they won't attend club events if Miley is there, causing her demand to drop.) Apparently, Miley didn't go to the Grammys because she didn't want to be in Taylor's row. So it's like high school, but with very famous singing millionaires. Fun! Finally, the mag hops aboard the "Jennifer Aniston abandoned on her 45th birthday" train. In a fun twist, they take a sarcastic comment out of context — specifically, something she said to Gloria Steinem disparaging society's insistence that women are only valuable if they marry and reproduce — and use it to make her sound sad and alone. Feminism!

Grade: D- (an old woman who lives in a shoe and has so many children she doesn't know what to do)

Star

IT'S A GIRL!

As usual, the faux-obstetricians at Star have trained their X-ray eyes on Kate Middleton and issued an Unsolicited Uterus Update. She is with child, they claim, and a female human will spring forth from her shortly. The proof? Her "ear-to-ear smile, shiny hair and luminous skin." The copy states that Will and Kate have already told his grandmother, QEII, about the baby, and she has started "organizing heirlooms" for the kid. Diamonds, handmade nightgowns embroidered with real lace and pearls, an antique armoire — you know, stuff fetuses need. Meanwhile, Prince Philip is promising to give the little girl a secret garden in her own name on the Buckingham Palace grounds. Kate is picking out furniture and paint for the nursery and the baby might be named Alexandra "known as Alexa." Of course, in 2011 and 2012, Star claimed Kate was having twins. So consider the source. Moving on: Bruce Jenner's hair is now a "sexy ombré." (Fig. 3) Miley Cyrus's "dream role" is to play Tinker Bell in NBC's live broadcast of Peter Pan. Second star to the right and straight on til barfing! Jared Leto and Lupita Nyong'o are "getting cozy" and were spotted "looking loved up" while having dinner together. They have "undeniable chemistry" and the mag has given them a name: Jarita. Mmm, Jarritos. This story about Jennifer Aniston's "birthday heartbreak" is so familiar it's like looking into a mirror — albeit a mirror with the phrases "constant nagging over getting married and having children made things worse" and "alone at 45" written on it. Finally, a delightful tale titled "Kim & Kanye's Living Hell!" is all about how the couple is renovating an $11 million Bel Air mansion but the neighbor who sold them the property is pissed because "everything in the house was top of the line, and they've just trashed it." The injured party states: "the master bathroom was spectacular… But it had to be ripped out because their idea of beautiful is four gold-plated toilets." And: "Other pricey 'improvements' include a Swarovski-crystal-encrusted refrigerator." Right. An iced-out ice box. Sure. Way too cold, you promise we'll need some Theraflu.

Grade: D- (down will come baby, cradle and all)

Us

FANTASY SUITE NIGHTMARE!

By now you have figured out that this mag cut a deal with ABC for exclusive Bachelor info, which the editors have been turning into cover stories. Apparently, following Sharleen's departure this week, next week, on the February 25th episode, another woman will dump Juan Pablo and leave the show. The magazine won't name the woman, but it's either Clare, Nikki, Renee or Andi, because that's who's left. The lady in question goes into the fantasy suite with JP and, according to an insider, "she sleeps with Juan Pablo" and "they stay up the rest of the night talking." It's the talking part that goes badly: JP tells the woman about his fantasy suite date with a different contestant. Ew. He also informs the woman that she almost got sent home. Then he talks about himself so much she gets frustrated, and upon leaving the suite, calls him "immature, rude, inappropriate" and deems the evening "a disaster." A couple of days later she "lets him have it," telling him she's never been with someone who asked her so little about herself, and ends: "there's a difference between being honest and being and asshole." Sounds like quality television. Also in this issue: In "25 Things You Don't Know About Me," Robin Wright reveals her style is "the complete opposite" of Claire Underwood's. Miley Cyrus and Jared Leto are having "hot hookups"; she stayed over at his house in L.A. recently and they bonded because they both like art, music and nudity. Jesus those conversations must be excruciating. Oh wait, they're probably stoned? Next, Jessica Simpson's "body is back" — not because it went on a Kerouacian cross-country road trip but because she's on Weight Watchers. Finally, Downton Abbey's Laura Carmichael — aka Lady Edith — says if the show were set in the modern day, Edith would "totally be a fashion editor. Don't you think she'd just be fierce?"

Grade: B- (Jack fell down and broke his crown)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Star

Fig. 4, from Us

If someone had told you 25 years ago that Vanilla Ice would end up in a Kraft Macaroni & Cheese ad, MC Serch would end up with a talk show, and old school hip hop pioneers would end up broke, would you have believed it? Probably.

Hot Pockets, a brand of garbage available in your grocer's freezer until this week's recall, apparently has many fans who share their love for the diseased-meat snacks on Twitter. But how many of these pre-recall Hot Pockets tweets ended in death?

Outside in the frigid cold air. Thank you Hot Pockets for keeping our hands toes & bodies warm. Oh & hot chocolate. pic.twitter.com/6q5P5OaZTc

— Rookie Blue (@Rookiebluetv) January 29, 2014

Why are people standing outside in the cold at night? Are they drug dealers? Whatever they are, it won't matter for long, because they have consumed Hot Pockets made of filth.

When you warm yo Hot Pockets up on 4 minutes and bite into a part that's still cold pic.twitter.com/uMDx7HCvMx

— (@iAintEemDoNun) February 8, 2014

There is, unfortunately, no way to know if these people survived their unfortunate choice of semi-cooked frozen food made from dead animals described by the USDA as "diseased and unsound."

Hot pockets. Cause it's 3:45 AM and I'm stoned

— (@StonedWonka) February 11, 2014

What does "unsound" even mean in the context of industrially raised animals that live their entire short lives in unfathomable horror? And is "Stoned Wonka" now more accurately described as "Dead Wonka"?

since I can't be with ty tonight I guess hot pockets are a good replacement ������ pic.twitter.com/iS9Xkxz9GK

— Chewbacca (@carolyn_rosiie) February 15, 2014

Another young victim. The question is whether or not she survived.

Hot Pockets should come w/ a warning:"Take a bite w/in 10 min of being cooked & fire will reign down from the depths of hell on your mouth"

— Derek Tyson (@DerekTysonESPN) January 25, 2014

Here's another idea for a warning: "May be stuffed with rotten and diseased flesh from animals that collapsed and died in a pool of their own vomit and feces."

Put Molly in her hot pockets, she ain't even know it

— (@69hunna) January 12, 2014

Eating a Hot Pocket dosed with powerful mind drugs is only one of the risks involved with eating the diseased bits of animals that were tortured to death in factories.

all you really need in life to be happy is hot pockets & Netflix

— ♡rachael♡ (@rads0ul) January 6, 2014

Just Netflix and Hot Pockets, that's all anyone needs. And burial insurance. Did you know burial insurance can be purchased online, probably! But people who are actually proud of eating Hot Pockets are the kind of people most likely to be dumped in the trash after they die.

A great cost saving gift is to buy a 12 pack of Hot Pockets then individually gift wrap each one to the 12 people you love the most.

— Brent (@Brentweets) December 18, 2013

"Love" in this context is "wanting you to die of food poisoning."

making some hot pockets b4 bed!(: pic.twitter.com/wYFjjDkMuy

— ◎◎◎ (@localplant) December 8, 2013

Granite countertops. The 1950s had rockabilly, the '60s had the Black Panthers, the '70s had punk, the '80s had The Smiths, and the interminable period between the late 1990s and today has granite countertops. Also what is that, a diseased intestine escaping the Hot Pocket in the microwave?

Thanks to the World's best Twitter account for inspiring this post, which we hope will inspire you to be a better person who doesn't eat vile garbage such as Hot Pockets. Top image by Jim Cooke, who can't stop putting skulls on my posts.

An Indonesian employee on a Holland America cruise ship was arrested over the weekend for allegedly raping a shipboard guest in her stateroom, then attempting to kill her by tossing her over the side and into the briny deep.

Ketut Pujayasa, 28, was apprehended by FBI agents at Port Everglades in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, after the MS Nieuw Amsterdam returned to its mooring from the weeklong Caribbean charter cruise. The attack "occurred early Friday morning in international waters off the coast of Roatan, Honduras," according to a Toronto Star report:

According to a criminal complaint, the victim — a 31-year-old U.S. woman — told investigators she was attacked and raped in her stateroom. The attacker tried to throw her from the balcony, but she escaped and received help from another passenger.

Pujayasa initially left the room but then turned himself in. The report says the Indonesian man told investigators he attacked the victim because she had disrespected him earlier.

In the video above, Miami's NBC 6 fills in some of the grisly gaps in that timeline: Apparently, Pujuyasa was offended after he attempted to deliver room service to the victim and she told him to "Wait a minute, son of a bitch." He reportedly took that as a grave insult to himself and his family, so he returned to her stateroom, letting himself in and laying in wait for her on the balcony.

When she returned to the room, according to the complaint, he choked and hit her, striking her with a laptop and curling iron. She freed herself by stabbing him with a corkscrew and lurched into the passageway in nothing but a shirt, seeking help.

Pujuyasa is charged with aggravated sexual abuse and attempted murder.

"To our knowledge, no incident like this has occurred in our company's 140-year history," Holland America's CEO said in a release. But then, if the victims were successfully thrown overboard, no one would know about such an incident. Put another way: Don't cruise alone, people.

Retired Lt. Gen. William G. "Jerry" Boykin is not known for being sane. Famed as the Bush-era general who put a divine crusading spin on the Iraq War, Boykin is now a leader of the religious right who wants you to know Jesus loves the Second Amendment, literally, and wants to kill shit.

Currently executive vice president of the conservative Family Research Council, Boykin put in an appearance at a conference for "pro-family legislators" last November, where he offered his gospel of Jesus Christ as a rough-and-tumble bloodthirsty Rambo.

No, really. Not metaphorically: Really. Jesus is a killer, He wants you to be armed with an assault rifle like His when He comes to claim the throne of the King of Kings, and the Second Amendment was His idea all along. Right Wing Watch just obtained audio of the event, and it is in-fucking-sane:

The Lord is a warrior and in Revelation 19 is says when he comes back, he's coming back as what? A warrior. A might warrior leading a mighty army, riding a white horse with a blood-stained white robe ... I believe that blood on that robe is the blood of his enemies 'cause he's coming back as a warrior carrying a sword.

And I believe now - I've checked this out - I believe that sword he'll be carrying when he comes back is an AR-15.

Now I want you to think about this: where did the Second Amendment come from? ... From the Founding Fathers, it's in the Constitution. Well, yeah, I know that. But where did the whole concept come from? It came from Jesus when he said to his disciples 'now, if you don't have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.'

I know, everybody says that was a metaphor. IT WAS NOT A METAPHOR!... And the sword today is an AR-15, so if you don't have one, go get one. You're supposed to have one. It's biblical.

Actually, yeah, it's a metaphor. But when you have a metaphorical hammer, and you're a complete idiot, everything looks like a literal nail.

[Photo credit: Family Research Council]

You’ve probably read BuzzFeed’s long profile of Donald Trump, in which political reporter McKay Coppins explains the absurdity of the businessman’s political aspirations and the “yes-men” who enable them (one of whom Trump quickly fired). Even if you haven’t read it, the editors of Breitbart.com sure have.

As of this writing, Breitbart’s homepage is plastered with six different articles attacking Coppins and BuzzFeed for ridiculing Trump. A sampling:

EXCLUSIVE — PALIN CALLS FOR BOYCOTT AFTER BUZZFEED HIT PIECE ON TRUMP

4 BUZZFEED STAFFERS WHO TRASHED OUR DONALD TRUMP STORY WITHOUT READING IT

2013: LIBERAL JOURNALISTS RIP COPPINS BUZZFEED STORY: ‘LIE,’ ‘BULLSH*T’

Breitbart began its campaign with a hilarious “takedown” of Coppins, in which reporter Matthew Boyle, quoting Trump and his own employees, alleges that the BuzzFeed scribe had botched some facts (he hadn’t), and, more scandalously, oogled a few women at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida:

“I don’t know how to say it—he was looking at me like I was yummy,” recalled Bianka Pop, a hostess at Trump’s Florida resort, almost a month later. She was one of a number of people, including Trump, who said Coppins behaved unprofessionally there. Trump himself said Coppins is a “scumbag,” recalling that at his Florida resort, Coppins said he wished his wife looked like two beautiful women who had just walked by.

(Coppins, a practicing Mormon, called the story “a funny list of fabrications.”)

This delirious reaction isn’t exactly out of the blue. Coppin’s piece is wonderfully, gratuitously negative—Trump spins an “oozy lather of absurd hyperbole”; his hair is “a pale yellow sheet ... held together with strategically placed splotches of product”—and Breitbart’s editors have long suspected BuzzFeed, and Coppins in particular, of prosecuting an anti-conservative agenda.

In other words, Coppins wrote exactly the right profile, and inspired exactly the right response, that a marginal figure like Trump deserves—given, of course, the (extremely) generous assumption that Trump deserved any kind of profile, or any kind of response, in the first place.

To contact the author of this post, email trotter@gawker.com

[Photo credit: Getty]

"Drunk in Love" it ain't — Beyoncé performed her pop-leaning "XO" single at tonight's BRIT Awards in London. Mostly, she stood still and sang, matching the song's energy. Really, the most exciting part of the act was the warning that ran before it: "This performance contains flashing images." Still, she sounded great and looked like a vase, so that's something.

Everybody who comments is a very specific kind of commenter, but which one are you? Take this weird quiz to find out.

Just ask in the comments below and get your results fast.