Our system of "public education" is at least partially successful at serving its primary purpose, which is to provide free babysitting for children and keep teenagers from prowling the streets during daylight hours. Now, some high-minded reformers threaten to clog up the entire setup by mandating learning.

It's long been understood that passing a grade in school is only lightly correlated with actual mastery of the educational material that is taught in said grade. Mostly we give the slower kids a gentleman's "C" for effort, or—in extreme cases—require them to repeat a grade once, before moving them on up in order to ensure that they don't grow so large that they become a menace to their younger, smarter classmates. Everything is by necessity geared towards the maximization of the mediocre. The system "works," as much as we want it to work. Real learning is a happy side effect, promoted and hoped for but never integral to functioning of the mechanism as a whole.

And then one day you read a story about how some wild-eyed utopian LUNATICS are testing a school system in which—this is not a fictional tale, but rather a real live thing operating in these United States of America—kids are not promoted to the next grade ("Content Level") until (and I assure you that what follows is a direct quote from a respected news publication) "after they master the material—not just because they have spent a year in a certain class."

Has our world gone mad?

Now, teachers must track every student during biweekly data sessions and move them in and out of groups or classrooms based on progress. Students must pass exams to prove they have met learning targets. Students who fail the tests repeatedly aren't moved ahead under "social promotion" but must master the material.

I ask you, reasonable citizens, to imagine just two of the consequences of such a system were it to be installed nationwide: high school graduates with demonstrable literacy, and 29-year-old high school students, who are probably awesome at football.

Not so bad really.

[WSJ. Photo via]

The New York Times had yet another of its delightful "Room for Debate" sessions, in which various experts throw quick-take opinions on a subject past one another. The subject: Was the College Board right to have decided to make the essay portion of future SAT tests optional? Or, more broadly, "Can Writing Be Assessed?" Although Gawker was not specifically invited to participate, below is our contribution to the conversation.

There was a valet stationed outside The Battery on Sunday night. Even for private clubhouse with a $2,400 annual fee, this seemed superfluous. San Francisco's Financial District turns into a ghost town after 6 p.m. The neighborhood was so desolate, the only place I could find to charge my phone was a SUBWAY® around the corner, where they gave me free reign over an outlet behind the soda fountain.

The valet, who wasn't there during my epic quest for power, must have appeared after sunset so that members of The Battery could pay $15 to $40 to avoid opening one of San Francisco's myriad parking apps. Valet parking: the analog convenience economy.

Inside, the club was equally as barren as the rest of Jackson Square. It smelled acrid, like synthetic varnish and trying too hard.

A source had warned me about Ken Fulk , creative director at The Battery—a peacock of a designer who struts between the city's nouveau tech riche and the families behind the hedgerow. "He's the darling of old, white Pacific Heights and total nerds who don't know any better. In three years, they'll get the memo about terrariums." (It's true. No one here seems aware that terrariums are over, even the sleek scenesters at Sightglass Coffee. But mini plant worlds are nice to look at, so no harm, no foul.)

Fulk also serves as a "full-service concierge" for Michael and Xochi Birch, the husband-and-wife entrepreneurs behind The Battery, who fund their extravagances with the spoils from one of the worst deals of the dot-com era.

For the Birches' home in Pacific Heights, Fulk imported "an actual old English pub from England." If you believe Michael Birch, an English programmer, those village bars were the inspiration for a social club seeded by 100 hand-selected members. "It's because [he] just discovered gastropubs," explained the source, calling Fulk's clients the exception, not the rule. "This is not a city that is behind in good food or home design."

As promised, the decor inside the Battery was the textbook definition of "over-propped." Incongruous animal heads lined the walls of the House Bar; empty signifiers of the old guard dotted the rooms: Sea-faring tableaus, a marble fountain, quilted leather, a secret room that opens if you find the right book on the shelf. The only hint at a sense of humor was a patch of astroturf—at least that's what it felt like to my toes—in front of the outdoor fountain.

All around the club, from the front desk to the members-only Musto Bar, the wood was finished with an over-the-top black-and-white treatment that made it look like a children's book come to life, in keeping with the Old Money Fantasyland theme.

That unnecessary flourish was my pet peeve, but San Franciscans seem particularly offended by the food. "The kale salad was something I could make when I was drunk and hungover," one resident mentioned. "The kale was fresh, but that's because of the farmers." (That was followed by an unfavorable placement of the club's french fries on a quality vs. price graph.)

Upstairs, the ladies room featured gilded faucets and stall doors were marked with the seven deadly sins. That night, the "Greed" toilet was out of order.

During my brief visit, I also took a peek at the Penthouse suite, where guests are greeted with a pop art portrait of the Queen of England. Access to the roof deck, infinity hot tub, and the view (from the Bay Bridge to the Transamerica building) will set you back $10,000 a night. Not that you would know it by the underdressed code.

The Battery likes to point out that they offer "scholarships" for the less fortunate. But I was told, "No self-respecting artist would want to hang out there."

Once I was escorted back onto the sidewalk, I ordered an UberX so as not to miss my first trip to Carcosa. My driver turned out to be a Google employee who said he drew the lucky H1-B visa straw to get out of Bulgaria. (I looked him up later on LinkedIn.)

During the ride, he told me he works at the company's Mountain View campus, but started driving for UberX for two hours on Saturdays and Sundays to send money to a family of four kids he met on vacation, who couldn't afford to go to school or even shoes. "I just calculated that if I work four hours of a week, I can clothe all of them," he told me. "For so little, it's amazing what you can do."

To contact the author of this post, please email nitasha@gawker.com.

[Image of the front desk and charter rules via The Battery]

Twitter is down! Come leave your half-formed thoughts here instead.

A New Jersey beautician has been charged with manslaughter in the death of a client who suffered a fatal reaction to a black-market silicone butt enhancement.

Tamira Mobley, 28, was seen on video checking into a pay-by-the-hour hotel in the Meatpacking District with her alleged client, 22-year-old mom and part-time college student Tamara Blaine. Two hours later, Mobley later returned to the front desk and told a hotel clerk to call 911.

Blaine was found with traces of silicone in her bloodstream and puncture marks in her buttocks, the New York Post reported. The official cause of her death was "a systemic silicone emboly due to a cosmetic silicone injection of the buttocks."

Blaine's mother, Lola, searched for her daughter for weeks before finally learning of her death when she got a bill from the morgue, she told the New York Daily News.

Mobley admitted to having been with Blaine that day, and the hotel room was paid for with Mobley's credit card, but she denied performing the injection.

The beautician has a student's license in cosmetology and hair styling, according to New Jersey records, and she told police she sells illegal cosmetics.

This is far from the first butt implant procedure gone wrong (although it's probably the most tragic). A fake doctor in Florida pled guilty to injecting "cement, 'Fix a Flat,' mineral oil, and superglue" into her patients, with horrifying results .

It's not just the unlicensed butt-lifts, either. Even common complications from legal butt implants can turn disastrous .

[H/T: New York Post, Photo of Blaine via Tamara Blaine/Facebook]

Hands down, this is the best thing that Chelsea Handler has ever done.

"Me, I'm into ass whooping, but I don't have kids," says Tyler Perry. He's talking about parenting (I think), but this begs the question: Gee, Mr. Perry, what else are you into?

The picture below the jump is not good. It is not good at all. It is probably something you don't really want to look at if you were planning on getting through the day without feeling queasy or generally disappointed in the current state of humanity.

OK, here is the picture:

So, let's break down everything you are doing wrong here, guy who is pooping into a urinal while vomiting. You are vomiting and shitting simultaneously, two things that need to be done into a proper toilet, and yet you, while in a room that was likely full of proper toilets, decided to do one of those things into a urinal and another one of those things onto the floor. You are doing it all wrong.

h/t Derek

"Service isn't considered lesser than other professions because it's less honorable, or even requires fewer skills... These jobs are seen as lesser because we made them this way." Former barista Molly Osberg on the unstated Brooklyn class war.

Last week, a construction contractor discovered the mummified body of Pia Farrenkopf in the backseat of Farrenkopf's Jeep, which was parked in her garage. Strange as that is, the story gets weirder: Farrenkopf, who police say died sometime in 2008, registered for and voted in the 2010 elections.

According to records in Oakland County, Mi., Farrenkopf, whose body still hasn't been identified by the Medical Examiner's Office, voted in the November 2010 gubernatorial election in Michigan. Officials, however, say it's possible the vote might have been an administrative error.

Investigators are attempting to use dental records to positively identify Farrenkopf, whose death is being treated as a homicide.

As for how her body went undiscovered for so long: She lived alone, a neighbor mowed her lawn every so often, her mail was returned to senders or sent to a P.O. Box, and all of her bills, including her mortgage payments, were automatically withdrawn from her bank account each month.

"[Her yard] was pretty manicured," a neighbor told the Detroit Free Press. "There was no indication there was a body in there, at all."

When the approximately $54,000 in her savings account ran out, her home was foreclosed on by her bank, who sent a contractor to evaluate the property. That's when her body was found.

"All these things kind of led to the perfect storm of no one saying, 'What's going on there?'" Oakland County Sheriff Michael Bouchard told the Detroit Free Press, adding that Farrenkopf likely died in "late 2008."

Farrenkopf worked for Chrysler until September 2008, when she was laid off. Investigators are still awaiting the results of her autopsy, though suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning is unlikely.

"The key was in the ignition. The ignition was not on," Bouchard said to the Detroit Free Press. "The key was partially out."

There were no signs of obvious trauma to the body, or what remained of it. Brouchard told WXYZ that, because of the body's decomposed state, investigators may never find out how she died.

"If someone is poisoned, that would be in their blood and muscle," said Bouchard. "We don't have blood or muscle."

[h/t Daily Mail]

Matthew McConaughey's humming and rhythmic chest thumping in The Wolf of Wall Street started as something the actor did to relax between takes, but Leonardo DiCaprio liked it so much that he convinced Scorsese to add it to the film. And now there's a remix.

Eclectic Method, known for slick pop culture cut-ups that incorporate TV, music and film, takes the scene to its logical, musical conclusion. And he even throws in some of the movie's 544 F-bombs for good measure. When you've got all those fucks lying around, you might as well use 'em.

[H/T: The High Definite]

[Afghan men attend the burial of Afghanistan's influential Vice President Mohammad Qasim Fahim during his funeral procession in Kabul, Afghanistan, on Tuesday. Fahim, a leading commander in the alliance that fought the Taliban who was later accused with other warlords of targeting civilian areas during the country's civil war, died on Sunday. Image via Massoud Hossaini/AP.]

How old would you say the average piece of NYC subway is? 50 years? 60? You sweet, naive fool. No, the average subway is a nonagenarian. A new report on NYC's infrastructure is out, and it is not good. But should we be panicking?

All this and (way) more is detailed in the latest report from the Center For an Urban Future entitled Caution Ahead. Compared to the trains, the report says our sewers are spring chickens: The average one is just 84, while school buildings and homeless shelters are all in their 60s. Many water mains are over a century old—in fact, our mains are so aged, we're losing about of a quarter of our water to leaks between the reservoir and the faucet. At JFK, 63 percent of cargo facilities unfit for modern screening, storage, distribution:

New York, in other words, keeps getting old.

But do we need to panic over it? Not just yet. "It's not too surprising," the study's author, Adam Forman, told Brian Lehrer on WNYC today. "It's an old city." Rather, the point of the report is to spur the city—and in particular, Bill de Blasio—to funnel capital money into repairs. "It's time to refocus our capital programs and bringing things into a state of good repair," adds Forman. "Not just building new things."

Reports like this are notorious for being misinterpreted by readers at large. In fact, confusion is basically built into the language of many regulating agencies. For example, look at how bridges are rated by the National Bridge Inventory. A "structurally deficient" bridge simply means the bridge contains a defect. It doesn't mean the bridge is about to fall down, by any means—just that it should be regularly inspected.

That's not to say we shouldn't see this report as scary—the whole idea is to expose the decay rampant across the city as frankly as possible, spurring public attention and capital investment. But there's definitely no need to refuse to step foot on the Williamsburg Bridge or boycott the C train. Carry on. [WNYC; Center for an Urban Future]

Image: AP.

1. Jerry Seinfeld

2. Glenn Greenwald

3. (tie) Quentin Tarantino

3. (tie) Julian Assange

5. Woody Allen

6. (tie) Justin Bieber

6. (tie) Second Amendment

8. Pearl Jam

9. Lena Dunham

10. Dave Eggers

11. Rob Ford

12. Andrew Breitbart

Actor Kristian Nairn, who plays Bran Stark's hulking protector, Hodor, in Game of Thrones, has never made a secret of his sexuality. He's been looking for an opening to publicly announce he's gay, and now he's finally found one.

In a chat with Game of Thrones fansite Winter Is Coming, Nairn took a question about his huge fan following in the gay community—and with bears in particular—and ran with it:

Well, in all honesty, when you talk about "the gay community," you are talking about MY community, haha. I AM aware of it yeah, and I think it's really lovely. There's not a day that I don't get a few messages, but 99% or more are super sweet and nothing smutty at all! Again, it's a privilege, and I really mean that. I've never hidden my sexuality from anyone, my whole life in fact, and I've been waiting for someone to ask about it in an interview, cos it's not something you just blurt out. I've tried to lead the questions a few times, to no avail!

He went on to say, "It's a very small part of who I am on the whole, but nonetheless, in this day and age, it's important to stand up and be counted."

Other things you may not have known about Hodor: He's a DJ (Nairn describes his style as "Chunky, deep, dark, always with attitude"), he plays World of Warcraft, and he has face tattoos that are covered by a scar on Game of Thrones.

Oh, and if you want a piggyback ride from him, that'll be $150,000. Hodor got to get paid.

[Photo Credit: Carrie Davenport/IMDB]

Recent DNA analysis by anthropologists, archaeologists, and geneticists shows that Europeans of 5,000 years ago were "more darkly pigmented" than today's Europeans. Who can say for sure? [Photo: AP]

Deadspin Justin Bieber's Latest Basketball Highlight Is A Sad Sham | Gizmodo NYC Is Falling Apart, and That's OK | io9 Why gluten-free foods aren't necessarily healthier | Lifehacker How to Take a Cruise for as Little as $30 Per Day | Kinja Popular Posts

Today President Obama made an unannounced stop at the Gap to pick up a few more pairs of dad jeans and congratulate the company on raising its minimum wage.

The president cracked a few lame jokes with the salespeople before shoring up his family's normcore wardrobe. A salesperson said he refused to buy v-neck sweaters for his daughters, expressing concern their shoulders might be exposed (sure).

It's unclear if the president remembered to pick up the dry cleaning on his way home.

[image via AP]

[Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nev. made the universal symbol for "I will cut you" today in reference to Rep. Darrell Issa, who launched a Congressional catfight last week when he cut the off the microphone of a congressman who accused him of being on an IRS witch hunt. Image by J. Scott Applewhite via AP.]

Rolling Stones guitarist and sometime leather bag-impersonator Keith Richards is gearing up to write a book for children.

The picture book, illustrated by his daughter Theodora, is supposed to be less, "Jack and Jill went up the hill to buy a gram of heroin," and more about "the special bond between kids and grandparents," according to a statement Richards released today.

The title, "Gus & Me, The Story of My Granddad and My First Guitar," refers to how Richards' grandfather, a jazz musician, gave him his first instrument. The anecdote was first covered in Richards' 2010 best-selling novel, "Life."

According to Richard's publisher at Little, Brown Books for Young Readers, "Who wouldn't welcome the opportunity to meet Keith Richards as a young boy? 'Gus & Me' invites readers to be in the room at the electrifying moment that Keith holds a guitar in his hands for the first time."

[image via AP]