Yesterday, tig o'l bigot Bill Donohue of the Catholic League announced that he would not be marching in New York's upcoming LGBT Pride parade , after having his application to do so accepted by Pride's powers that be. Why the flip-flop? In the weak excuse for an excuse posted on his organization's website, Donohue wrote:

Today, I informed Heritage of Pride officials that I objected to their rule requiring me to attend gay training sessions, or what they call "information" sessions. "I don't agree with your rule," I said. They responded by saying that attendance was "mandatory."

Using a very loose sense of logic, Donohue figures (finally, after trying so hard to muster reasoning) that Pride people are no better than those in charge of New York's Saint Patrick's Day Parade, which famously excludes gays from marching openly, because both parade's organizations...have rules...or something. We reached out to NYC Pride to find out just how willful Donohue was being by characterizing Pride's information sessions as "gay training sessions," and it turns out that he's being very willful indeed.

In an email, March Director Dave Studinski told us:

We hold March information and safety sessions, referred to as group leader trainings, so our participants are fully aware of rules and procedures come event day. These trainings address line-up times, check-in locations, our moment of silence, dispersal activity, NYPD safety policies, attire and vehicle/sound permits. It is imperative group leaders know this information.

It's not that we needed more proof that Donohue is a liar whose m.o. is to misrepresent the intentions of gay people, but it is a nice thing to have.

[Image via Getty]

Last we left off with the missing Malaysia Airlines flight MH370, the U.S. had dropped their navy out of the search , and Australia was inching toward a resolution . As of this morning, France has now shared satellite images with Malaysian officials that point to debris in the Indian Ocean.

The images, which have not been shared with the press, show "potential objects" located in the same area where Australia and China had also found suspected debris from the plane.

Though Malaysian officials are being tight-lipped about what exactly the satellite images show, the Associated Press was told that the images were "captured Friday and pinpointed objects about 930 kilometers (575 miles) north of the spots where the objects in the images released by Australia and China were located."

These recent developments come while searchers remain in pursuit of a wooden pallet that was spotted on Saturday, but not photographed, though it cannot be confirmed that a wooden pallet was ever on the flight. When the AP contacted Malaysia Airlines for confirmation, they still hadn't responded two days later.

[Image via AP]

Pope Francis, coolest pope , has not made a statement regarding a package of cocaine that was intercepted by German authorities in January, but the all-white getup is starting to make some sense.

The package, which was simply addressed to The Vatican post office, was seized in January with an "unremarkable" amount of cocaine, about 12 ounces stuffed in 14 condoms coming from South America. With only 800 residents in the Italian mini-state, speculation begins on who were these nose clams intended for?

Coke pope, coke pope.

[Image via AP]

Last night, in the most dogged interrogation of Hillary Clinton's national political ambitions yet, comedian Jimmy Kimmel pestered the former Secretary of State with the repeated question of whether she's planning to run for president in 2016.

"I'm obviously thinking about all kinds of decisions," she responded.

Clinton was joined onstage by husband, Bill, and daughter, Chelsea, for a wide-ranging family panel session of the Clinton Global Initiative University ("CGI U"), an annual gathering that convened this weekend in Tempe, Arizona.

U.S. Senator John McCain and former U.S. Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords also addressed attendees in separate sessions of the three-day conference.

During the audience Q&A of Kimmel's discussion segment with the Clintons, a thrilled student from UC Berkeley asked Hillary, "Ms. Clinton, if you don't represent women in politics in America as future president, then who will?" Applause! And then, Kimmel's follow-up.

JK: "That's a very good question. It looks like you have support here. And also, to add to that: when you do run for president, will you use the old Clinton campaign lawn signs?"

HC: "I am very much concerned about the direction of our country and it's not just who runs for office but what they do when they get there and how we work together and particularly empower young people. We can tackle some of these hard decisions we have just been talking about. So—"

JK: "She wants an answer."

The interview turned a tad cagey from there, punctuated by nervous fits of laughter and the family's unsubtle digressions from Kimmel's line of questioning. Eventually, as both Clinton parents sweated the delay in Matt Damon's arrival to the stage, President Clinton turned the focus to whether Chelsea might be planning to have her first child with her banker hubby Marc Mezvinsky anytime soon.

"I love that when asked the question that everyone asks you all the time, you threw your daughter right under the bus," Kimmel quipped.

Chelsea laughed off her father, "Unapologetic in public and in private!"

Given Mrs. Clinton's refusal to answer Kimmel's persistence, the former First Family did take a moment after the event to pose behind Kimmel and a dozen young conference attendees for an Oscars-style selfie. Hillary Clinton is cheesing. Bill Clinton is thinning. Bill Clinton is throwing a gang sign. Chelsea Clinton is just happy to be here.

.@TheEllenShow- No Brad Cooper but 3 Clintons & a Kimmel @BillClinton @HillaryClinton @ChelseaClinton #selfie pic.twitter.com/GyGFxnUjfP

— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) March 23, 2014

Lady Gaga's latest dalliance in directing clocks in at seven minutes of dancing and grinding and Kanye West-style sacrificial bird-fallen-to-earth mythology, plus five minutes of rolling credits. Michael Jackson gets resuscitated. And Gandhi, too!

The video premiered on—you guessed it—Dateline. What? Okay. It is for her song "G.U.Y." from her record ARTPOP and not one, but several Real Housewives of Beverly Hills make cameos as Gaga's wicked henchman, as well as her backing band. They seem subdued—and confused.

The most telling detail might be that Andy Cohen is the Sun God, Ra, looking down beatifically upon his many, many minions. The rolling credits are actually soothing, like a cool tonic to the eyeballs. Since it was posted online last night, it has already amassed over 2 million views, a fact that shall be presented without comment.

At least 3 are dead and 10 are missing in a landslide that occurred in Oso, a town north of Seattle, yesterday afternoon. The sounds of people crying out for help have been heard beneath the remaining rubble, the local fire department has reported.

Following the death of founder Fred Phelps last week, the Westboro Baptist Church's first target of mob protest since Phelps' demise was our dear Lorde, at a concert in Kansas City. Her fans came prepared.

In a report published in The Cincinnati Enquirer, journalist Lisa Bernard-Kuhn found several families in Ohio, where legalization of medical marijuana is currently pending, who are eagerly fleeing the confines of the Midwestern state for places where they can treat their ill children.

The story, which echoes that of Barbara Kutchback, a Georgia-based advocate for medical marijuana whose 3-year-old granddaughter suffers from epilepsy, shares the intimate details of young children whose prescribed medications do not assuage their symptoms. Children with severe epilepsy are prone to near-constant life-threatening seizures.

Two-year-old Addyson Benton has severe epilepsy and is currently on a waiting list for a medical strain of marijuana called Charlotte's Web. When she is approved, her family will move to Colorado for access.

This particular strain of the drug is high in cannabidiol, "a chemical that is thought to have medicinal properties," and is low in THC. In Florida, researchers have invested $1 million in studying the benefits of Charlotte's Web for epileptic children.

Addyson Benton's mother Heather told The Cincinnati Enquirer,

"When we first heard about Charlotte's Web, we brushed it off, like so many people do. But then we began researching, and hearing the stories; we were sold. Our doctors here who are seeing kids that have failed all these other medications should be telling families that there may be another option."

Because the federal government classifies marijuana as a Schedule I drug, scientific studies and tests on the drug are limited. The move to medical marijuana-friendly states is a last hope for families who see no improvement from prescribed medications.

There are currently 20 states where medical marijuana is approved.

[Image via AP]

Timur Vermes, a German ghostwriter, penned a nationally best-selling novel satire about Hitler. Originally published in 2012, MacLehose Press is finally releasing the English translation of Vermes' literary debut, Look Who's Back (Er ist wieder da), next week.

Der Führer returns:

Summer 2011. Berlin. Adolf Hitler wakes up on a patch of ground, alive and well. Things have changed – no Eva Braun, no Nazi party, no war. Hitler barely recognises his beloved Fatherland, filled with immigrants and run by a woman.

Vermes' plot tracks the revived tyrant's second chance at viral fame as a stand-up shock comic who really isn't joking in his bits about Muslims and Merkel. As YouTube views of Hitler's routine spike, and social media (out)rages, the German press relaunches Hitler's career as a pundit, and then as a politician.

Since its initial run of publication, Look Who's Back has sold more than 1.4 million print and audiobook copies in Germany. Yet critics shrug. Many of the novel's detractors have argued that Vermes trivialized Hitler's crimes against humanity with "a mediocre joke."

"We laugh," wrote one German critic, "but it's a laugh that sticks in the throat."

Such sensitivity in consideration of Hitler's legacy is common in modern Germany, which criminalizes Holocaust denial and public displays of Nazi commemoration. In 2009, Nuremberg prosecutors threatened artist Ottmar Hörl and gallery owner Erwin Weigl with three years in prison for displaying one of Hörl's gnome statuettes, which look like they're flexing a Nazi salute.

As German filmmakers prepare to release a screen adaptation of Vermes' novel in 2015, "Germany asks: is it OK to laugh at Hitler?"

"The fact is we have too much of a stereotype of Hitler," [author Timur Vermes] told German media. "He's always the monster and we can be comforted by the fact that we're different from him. But in reality he continues to spark real fascination in people, just as he did back then when people liked him enough to help him commit crimes."

In fact as in fiction, Adolf Hitler is kind of a big deal on the internet.

James Rebhorn, a character actor who played roles on Homeland, White Collar, and as the lawyer who puts the cast of Seinfeld in jail on its series finale, died on Friday night, his agent shared with The Hollywood Reporter.

Rebhorn played roles in an impressive number of films throughout his over forty-year career. The Philadelphia native starred in Independence Day, Baby Mama, Meet the Parents, My Cousin Vinny, Blank Check, and most recently in Mike Birbiglia's Sleepwalk With Me.

He also had featured roles on The Adventures of Pete & Pete, 30 Rock, Law & Order, and Boston Legal. According to TMZ, Rebhorn had long battled with skin cancer.

A pool report from the U.S. press team covering Michelle Obama's tour of China notes that authorities ordered local merchants to hide their stock of "Obama-Mao" T-shirts from a section of the Great Wall where the First Lady and her daughters visited earlier today.

Here's the emailed report via the Weekly Standard:

After taking the gondola back down to the parking lot, several reporters fanned out and stopped at t-shirt stalls to investigate a tip — that merchants had been told to temporarily suspend sales of t-shirts that show President Obama in a Mao hat.

That tip turned out to be true. Several merchants denied carrying such items, but one merchant quietly took this correspondent to the back of her tent and showed off a whole box of the popular, normally seen t-shirts. As we were negotiating prices - she wanted 360 yuan, or roughly $60, an outrageous starting price - other merchants came by, and in Chinese, told her to be careful. The merchant became visibly rattled and put the t-shirts away.

Another reporter in the pool had a similar experience with a separate vender, but managed to snap a photo of one of the t-shirts. I would be glad to share with anyone who wants to investigate why Chinese authorities made sure, for a day, that Mutianyu was visibly free of Obama-Mao t-shirts.

Mrs. Obama is blogging throughout her visit, until she departs China from Chengdu on Wednesday.

From a tipster, we've got an image of the shirt:

[Mayor Bill de Blasio of New York dons an afro wig at a charity event as Cynthia Nixon and wife Chirlane McCray express lukewarm amusement. Image via AP]

Just before Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak announced that Flight 370 had crashed into the Indian Ocean, Malaysia Airlines notified the passengers' families of the news via text.

Malaysia Airlines deeply regrets that we have to assume beyond any reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those on board survived. As you hear in the next hour from Malaysia's Prime Minister, we must now accept all evidence that the plane went down in the Southern Indian Ocean.

The text msg Malaysia Airlines sent to inform Chinese #MH370 families about flight's fate ending in S Indian Ocean pic.twitter.com/Ys3azWL7WB

— Adrienne Mong (@adriennemong) March 24, 2014

The airlines later told CNN that they also provided counseling and in-person briefings to the family members.

The family members were, of course, devastated by the news.

CNN teams outside room where relatives met w/the airline heard lots of screaming, cursing Malaysia, and wailing. #MH370

— Vaughn Sterling (@vplus) March 24, 2014

Scuffles break out at Lido hotel in Beijing where #MH370 families gathered. Women screaming, cyring, Police & medics gone into room.

— Jon Williams (@WilliamsJon) March 24, 2014

Last week, someone slowed down a video of Neil DeGrasse Tyson just enough to make the Cosmos host sound unbelievably stoned. Turns out Tyson loved the video, and he played it for a laughing audience at a lecture in Toronto over the weekend.

Here's the original slow-mo video, in case you want to sync it up with Dark Side of the Moon:

In other Tyson news, the scientist hit back against creationists who are demanding "equal time" on Cosmos, saying, "You don't talk about the spherical Earth with NASA, and then say let's give equal time to the flat Earthers."

[H/T: Reddit]

Satellites are an integral part of life these days, from meteorologists tracking storm systems to spying on your neighbors in Google Earth. When Malaysia Airlines 370 went missing a few weeks ago, investigators turned to satellite imagery to aid search and rescue teams spot any possible wreckage in the ocean. While crews are using the blurry images as possible leads to search for debris, people on social media want to know why we can't see the objects more clearly from space.

Last week, the Australian government released the below satellite picture of debris in the southern Indian Ocean that they thought at the time may be related to the missing Boeing 777.

After several days of searching by both Australian and American authorities, the debris seen on satellite was never found and crews found no other signs of the missing aircraft. A few days later, the Chinese government released a satellite image of another large object floating in the Indian Ocean that search crews were also unable to find.

Every time a government source releases a satellite image of suspect flotsam and jetsam, people are quick to point out that the images are blurry, making it hard to identify exactly what's in the picture. One of the most common questions on social media is "Google Earth can see my car, so why can't we clearly see debris in the ocean?"

It's because Google, for the most part, doesn't use satellites for Google Earth.

Companies like Google and Microsoft (for Bing Maps) don't really use satellites to take most of the pictures for their "satellite view" imagery. They use ultra-high-resolution cameras in airplanes to take close-up pictures we're all familiar with. They do incorporate some satellite imagery into their products (especially for zoomed-out views and those over lesser-populated areas), but most of the areas that allow you to zoom in with impressive clarity are really aerial photographs from airplanes.

For instance, the above "satellite" view of the National Weather Service office in Greenville, SC on Bing was taken from an airplane. Likewise, the image at the top of this post of cars in a parking lot on Google Maps was taken from an airplane over Charlotte, NC.

That being said, there are satellites that can take pictures of objects on the ground with an impressive amount of clarity. The United States government demonstrated that it has the ability to clearly see objects on the ground from space when it released images of Osama bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan in 2011. None of these satellites are available to the public, of course, but they do exist.

Two of the highest resolution satellite images free for public consumption are taken by two weather satellites called Aqua and Terra, but the highest resolution picture they take (250 meters per pixel) is still extremely zoomed-out and doesn't let you pick out roads or buildings, let alone anything smaller.

After the plane went missing, folks around the world swarmed to Google Earth in hopes of helping authorities locate the missing Malaysian flight. No, really. It turns out that enough people thought the "satellite" views from Google were live that Google actually had to say that their imagery isn't taken in real time.

There is a way around this for people who want to help, though. DigitalGlobe runs a service called "tomnod" that uploads recent satellite imagery and allows people to scour the land and seas to find anything noteworthy in the search for the missing jet.

Unless governments start (or already are) using ultra-high-resolution satellites to search for MH370, the fuzzy photos released by China and Australia are pretty much as good as they're going to get.

[Images via Google / Australian Government / Bing]

Probably the best thing about these videos from GameSocietyPimps is that everyone involved is such a good sport. Often these "character plays a multiplayer first-person shooter" pranks lean toward the cruder side, but this impression artist stays in fairly true character. Imagine Key & Peele's Obama skit but a little less...angry.

But in these rounds, the audience participates by asking topical questions and "President Obama"—aka voice manipulator Jason Stephens (on Twitter here)—answers them with the right balance of humor and relevance. It's fun to see everyone getting along so well and enjoying each other's company.

Here's part two where he gets into the topic of aliens, gun control and the military:

And here's the most recent clip, which, actually, seems to be the least funny one:

And don't forget, that Affordable Care Act open enrollment deadline is approaching!

To contact the author of this post, write to tina@kotaku.com or find her on Twitter at @tinaamini.

So, it's settled: Silicon Valley has the worst roadside billboards in the Western Hemisphere. [Photo via Sara Mauskopf]

Michelle Obama tries to assimilate into checks out the Terracotta Warriors with her daughters and her mother in Xi'an, China, on Monday. Image via Alexander F. Yuan/AP.

In the tradition of DoubleDickDude and The Man With No Ass Crack , another man with freakish genitals has taken to Reddit to show off his odd goods. World, meet a guy who has three testicles.

GardenOfGandalf (he could take a lesson from DoubleDickDude about picking usernames) says he's always wanted to post photos of his tri-ball situation, but had to wait until he turned 18 so his fellow redditors wouldn't have to worry about child porn charges.

Yes, these are three barely legal balls:

No, he won't star in a porno with DoubleDickDude.

Yes, he just tried to "do a Newton's Cradle thing with them."

No, it didn't work.

No, he doesn't know which one is the "extra" testicle.

Yes, they kind of get tangled up sometimes.

Yes, he will volunteer to teabag people with them. He is 18. Come on.

The tri-balled wonder promised to answer any further scrotal trilemmas that may be gnawing at your brain in an Ask Me Anything interview tomorrow on Reddit: The Future of Journalism.

[H/T: Daily Dot, Photo Credit: gardenofgandalf/Reddit]

It was clear many years ago that drugs have won the drug war. But what about the anti-drug commercials, those great cultural icons of our youth? Turns out that the smart money just gave up on that shit.

Ad Age's E.J. Schultz today answers the question: "Dude, remember those ads? With the egg, the broken egg, in the pan, and it was frying, and it was supposed to be your brain? And the one with the dad and he's like 'Where did you learn to do drugs and shit?' and the kid is like 'I learned it by watching YOU, okay?' and the dad is all devastated? All those ads that were on between episodes of Gilligan's Island and shit? What ever happened to those?"

The long answer: anti-drug PSAs on TV have fallen to less than a third of their ubiquitous 1980s levels, due in part to competition from many other do-gooder causes begging TV networks for free airtime. The short answer: the shit was so useless that even the United States government decided to stop paying for it.

The decline stems mostly from a move by Congress to eliminate the media budget for the Office of National Drug Control Policy. The office had been funding anti-drug ads aimed at teens since 1998, including a 2002 Super Bowl ad that linked drugs to terrorism, and boasted a media budget of $100 million as recently as 2007. But the government program was constantly under assault by critics who said it was ineffective, and the effort endured a series of budget cuts before it was altogether axed from the 2012 federal budget.

Now the head of the group that cranks out these ads is trying to keep them going without government funding. Get a real job, hippie.