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Horrifying and Rare "Goblin Shark" Found off the Coast of Key West

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Horrifying and Rare "Goblin Shark" Found off the Coast of Key West

Oh good, another thing to fill our nightmares! A rare "goblin shark" was caught by Georgia fisherman Captain Carl Moore about 10 miles off the coast of Key West in April. The last recorded sighting of this species of deep-sea nightmare shark was in 2000.

According to NBC News (and the terrifying photograph) the goblins are identified by their "flat, elongated snouts that point off from the tops of their heads" and their "razor-sharp teeth." NBC continues:

Goblin sharks have been found in the Pacific, off the coasts of Japan and California, and in ocean depths of up to 5,000 feet. The latest sighting has surprised researchers.

"This is a very rare finding," John Karlson, a research biologist at NOAA, told NBC News on Saturday. "We don't know very much about these animals."

Karlson said they can range up to 10 to 13 feet, although Moore's goblin shark was around 18 feet.

Moore reported his sighting to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration after returning to shore, and, from the photograph, Karlson believes it was a female shark.

Moore quickly released the shark back into the water, explaining, "When it came up, I didn't know what it was. I didn't measure him because his head was slashing around, and he had some mean-looking teeth and I didn't want to get caught up in those."

We don't blame you, Captain Moore.

[h/t Uproxx]


Naked Man Doing Pushups In the Middle of the Road Killed In Portland

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Naked Man Doing Pushups In the Middle of the Road Killed In Portland

A naked man who was reportedly running in traffic at 4am near Portsmouth Ave. in Portland, Ore., and had stopped in the middle of the road to do some pushups, was struck and killed by an oncoming vehicle. While police were being alerted of his running in traffic, a caller followed up to say he'd been hit.

The driver who hit the naked man was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and was cooperative with officers, the Portland Police say.

Don't do pushups.

[Image via AP]

Watch A 300-Foot-Long Waterslide Take Over This UK City For the Day

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It may have only climbed to 60ºF today in Bristol, England today, but that didn't stop hundreds of revelers from coming out to see the installation of a 300-foot-long waterslide in the center of their town. 360 lottery winners got the chance to use the slide and dream of summer.

As NPR News writes,

The slide uses a mixture of water and dish soap to give riders a bit more speed as they slide on an inflatable raft.

The installation is part of a summer series in Bristol and was made by artist Luke Jerram. Though the slide will only be around for one day, other events are planned on the first Sunday of every month this summer. What's next, a three-hundred-foot tall unscrewed fire hydrant?

Sen. Charles Schumer Calls for a Ban on Powdered Alcohol

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Sen. Charles Schumer Calls for a Ban on Powdered Alcohol

Sen. Charles Schumer asked the Food and Drug Administration today to step in and prevent a powdered alcohol, "Palcohol," from going to market, saying it could potentially become "the Kool-Aid of teenage binge drinking." A sad day for teens, indeed.

Schumer warned that Palcohol, which is a freeze-dried form of powdered vodka, rum, and various cocktails, could be easily concealed and mixed with water, sprinkled on food, or snorted by under-aged consumers. Schumer told reporters:

"I'm calling on the food and drug administration, the FDA, to immediately step in, investigate Palcohol based on its obvious health risks, and prohibit this ludicrous product from going to market.

Palcohol is nearly guaranteed to promote unsafe drinking among teenagers and young adults, among others."

The Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau approved Palcohol last month but have since said that the approval was a mistake and have taken it back.

[Image credit: AP]

The Fountain of Youth is Filled with Blood

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The Fountain of Youth is Filled with Blood

According to a trio of new studies released today, we may only be as old as our blood.

Scientists from Harvard and Stanford are in agreement that feeling younger could be as simple as a blood transfusion. In three separate trials published today, the researchers unilaterally agree that injecting elderly mice with blood from younger mice rejuvenates their brains and muscles and reverses some signs of aging.

"We can turn back the clock instead of slowing the clock down," the director of the Center for Molecular Medicine at the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute told the New York Times.

Two separate teams of scientists—one at the University of California, San Francisco and one at Harvard—published a series of findings this weekend cataloguing the positive effects of GDF11, a protein found in young blood.

Researchers have been testing GDF11 in mice for years, focusing mainly on its positive effects on the heart. But the results from the most recent studies are dramatic: older mice were able to navigate mazes faster, run longer on treadmills, and demonstrated a better sense of smell. And the reverse appeared to be true as well—young mice injected with old blood had noticeable difficulties afterwards.

After four to five weeks of heterochronic parabiosis, the Science study found that muscle stem cells from the older partners had less DNA damage compared with controls. Their neural stem cells got a boost of activity as well, and they had a greater amount of blood flow in their brains.

Then the researchers switched to pure GDF11 injections. When they gave a new group of aged mice four weeks of treatment, they found that the protein itself gave similar enhancements as shared circulation. There were more stem cells in their muscles to create new tissue, and they performed better on strength and endurance tests than controls given saline. GDF11 treatment also increased the amount of blood vessels in their brains.

Harvard biologist Amy Wavers, who authored both of the Harvard studies published today, said that a "small group of human subjects" appeared to have similar GDF11 protein levels to the test mice but warned that scientists need to conduct more research before they can safely test the transfusions on humans.

Not so, says neuroscientist and author of the third study, Tony Wyss-Coray. The researcher says his new start-up company plans to conduct the first-ever young-blood clinical trial with a group of Alzheimer's patients at Stanford this year.

[image via Shutterstock]

Spy Plane Shut Down Los Angeles Air Traffic for Hours

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Spy Plane Shut Down Los Angeles Air Traffic for Hours

Los Angeles International Airport shut down for several hours last week because a spy plane on a secret mission fried the airport's air traffic control center.

According to NBC, the airport grounded all incoming and outgoing flights for several hours last Wednesday after a Soviet-era U-2 spy plane cruised through airspace monitored by L.A. Air Route Traffic Control Center.

The plane, flying at around 60,000 feet, was miles above the commercial flights coming in and out of the Los Angeles-region airports. But the Traffic Control Center's computer registered it at the same altitude as other airborne flights and apparently overloaded trying to redirect the plane.

NBC says the plane was a U-2 "Dragon Lady" with a Defense Department flight plan.

A spokesperson for the nearby Edwards Air Base told NBC that, "There are no U-2 planes assigned to Edwards," but NASA's Neil A. Armstrong Flight Research Center, located at Edwards, is apparently known to host U-2s.

Hundreds of flights were delayed and thousands of passengers throughout Southern California and the Southwest were affected by Wednesday's shutdown.

[image via AP]

Man Nails Awkward Napoleon Dynamite Dance Routine 100 Times in a Row

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It takes a lot of confidence to perform the awkward dance routine from Napoleon Dynamite. This guy did it 100 times.

The charmingly uncomfortable dance is an almost-perfect imitation of the cult classic routine set to Jamiroquai's "Canned Heat." The resulting supercut, comprised of more than 100 takes, is also a delightful journey through one YouTube user's Breaking Bad t-shirt collection.

But not even 100 dances could ever beat the original. Vote for Pedro!

[h/t Uproxx]

Second Lawsuit Accuses Bryan Singer of Sexually Assaulting a Teenager

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Second Lawsuit Accuses Bryan Singer of Sexually Assaulting a Teenager

A British man filed new allegations against director Bryan Singer and Broadway producer Gary Goddard, claiming the pair drugged and sexually assaulted him when he was a teenager.

The claimant, referred to only as John Doe No. 117, is represented by the same attorney as Michael Eagan, who filed a lawsuit against Singer with similar allegations in early April.

The man claims he met Goddard online when he was 14 years old. According to the suit, the pair began engaging in cyber sex and naked kissing when the plaintiff was 15. When he turned 16—the legal age of consent in England—Goddard gave him alcohol and the pair had sex.

The following year, the suit alleges, Goddard introduced the then-17-year-old to Singer at an after party for the UK premiere of Superman Returns. The accusations echo recent allegations against Singer and his group of friends:

At the after-party, the suit alleges that Singer offered the teenager a Quaalude, which the teenager rejected, according to the suit. In the bedroom of the hotel suite, where an "after" after-party was being held, Singer and Goddard, the suit says, "starting grabbing John Doe in a sexual manner." The teenager asked the men to stop. Goddard allegedly returned to the room with a "large, musclebound man" who began to smack the teenager around, according to the complaint.

When Singer removed his boxer shorts, the suit alleges, the teenager said, "I do not want to do that." According to the complaint, Singer told the teenager to sit on top of him and masturbate, that he wanted to the teenager to ejaculate on him. Singer attempted to anally penetrate the teenager. The next morning, according to the complaint, Singer contacted the teenager to apologize.

The suit tries to skirt issue of the British age of consent, which is 16, by accusing the pair of formulating their sexual plans in California, where the age of consent is 18. Federal law also apparently asserts 18 as the age of consent when traveling abroad for sexual purposes.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, Singer has not yet been served with either suit. His attorney says the allegations are "totally untrue."

[image via AP]


Lorde Says Photographer is Stalking Her

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Lorde Says Photographer is Stalking Her

Maybe-maybe-not-teenager Lorde went public on Twitter Sunday night, posting the name and picture of the photographer she says has been stalking her.

The 17-year-old singer named her aggressor as Simon Runting, a New Zealand photographer who appears to focus primarily on celebrities.

Lorde also tweeted out a link to Runting's Facebook page, writing that "this should not be an accepted standard for young women or anyone in this industry...i refuse to stay complicit and i refuse to stay passive about men systematically subjecting me to extreme fear."

Runting has been denounced by celebrities before—last year photographs he took of Rihanna through her hotel room window prompted her to post them on Instagram with the caption, "I hate these n***** more than the Nazi''.

[image via Twitter]

Ex-PayPal Exec Tweets Individual Fuck You's to Half of Silicon Valley

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Ex-PayPal Exec Tweets Individual Fuck You's to Half of Silicon Valley

Rakesh Agarwal does not know when to say when, but he sure knows how to implode. The former PayPal global strategist followed up a Twitter spree insulting his coworkers with a spectacular cascade of expletives for, oh, just about everyone.

The payments experts has many, many fucks to give. There's one for investor Keith Rabois, who dissociated himself from Agarwal's new company. One for Facebook recruiters, one for Google recruiters, and one for PayPal's vice president of global communications Christina Smedley, the female executive he disparaged in the midst of a truly inspired evening during Jazz Fest in New Orleans.

Ex-PayPal Exec Tweets Individual Fuck You's to Half of Silicon Valley

Ex-PayPal Exec Tweets Individual Fuck You's to Half of Silicon Valley

The investors Amy and Sophie whom he mentioned above are his assistant and her three-year-old daughter.


Agarwal is ducking right about one thing:

Ex-PayPal Exec Tweets Individual Fuck You's to Half of Silicon Valley

Nope, Fox News Really Did Shove Shepard Smith Back Into the Closet

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Nope, Fox News Really Did Shove Shepard Smith Back Into the Closet

Last week, Gawker reported that, in the summer of 2013, according to multiple sources with knowledge of the events, Fox News executives had retaliated against star anchor Shepard Smith because he had voiced his desire to come out as gay. Fox News called the report “100% false and a complete fabrication,” and pointed out—directly and through cooperative reporters—what it thought were discrepancies in our account.

Our report, indeed, contained an error. We wrote that when Smith brought his boyfriend to a company picnic, Fox executive Bill Shine had been present and had reacted negatively. In fact, Shine was not at the picnic; he had flipped out after the event, when word got back to him about the boyfriend’s attendance. We had misunderstood our sources’ accounts, and we’re happy to to take our punches for getting it wrong.

Given Fox’s reaction, however, we went back to our sources to confirm, in even greater detail, the timeline of events. And it turns out that Fox’s other complaints, the full list of which was published by Politico’s Dylan Byers, were little more than a smokescreen.

The story stands. And we’ve learned even more about how Fox treats anchors who want to come out.

Contract Negotiations

Fox’s most forceful complaint was that we reported that during “contract negotiations,” Ailes had told Smith not to come out. We described Smith and Ailes as having discussed the subject in July—when, as Fox pointed out, Smith signed his contract, giving him the role of managing editor, in early June.

How could a conversation that “came up during contract negotiations” have occurred after contract negotiations ended? And how could Fox “demote” Smith after he'd signed his contract?

To the first question: Our original report failed to make it clear that the conversation in July was not, in fact, the only conversation Ailes and Smith had about Smith’s sexuality, and how the anchor might go about acknowledging it in public. A Fox source clarified that the two men “also met several times in late spring and early summer discussing this,” placing their initial discussions squarely within the period when Smith was negotiating his Fox contract.

The reason Smith brought this up a year ago is easy to guess. Around the same time, he was spotted throughout Manhattan with his relatively new boyfriend, a Fox producer named Gio Graziano.

Still, Ailes clearly resisted the idea of Smith coming out, or coming out in the way Smith wanted to. “The conversations,” a Fox source said, “were not resolved” by the time the anchor renewed his contract on June 7.

Which brings us to the second question: How could Fox “demote” Smith after he signed his contract? Here is how: By removing Smith, after he signed his contract, from Fox’s prime-time block.

It is true, as Business Insider reported last September, that Smith’s renewed contract gave him the title of managing editor of Fox’s breaking news division. But it was later in the summer that Fox executives decided that Smith would be axed from the channel’s most visible programming. Indeed, the July 2 press release announcing Smith’s contract renewal also noted that the channel’s new prime-time lineup had not yet been determined.

Bill Shine

The executive who masterminded Smith’s removal, as we previously reported, was Bill Shine, Fox’s Vice President of Programming. While he did not attend Roger Ailes’s July 4 picnic, to which Smith brought his boyfriend, word about their appearance quickly got back to him. He didn’t hide his reaction from his colleagues: Fox’s audience is not ready for a gay anchor.

“He didn’t call one big meeting to announce this,” a Fox source said, clarifying earlier characterization of Shine’s objections. Instead, during the month of July, Shine “mentioned it throughout the company. He told a lot of people at Fox what he thought. He said, ‘Our audience can’t handle it.’” One of Shine’s confidantes, another source said, was Ailes, who continued talking with Smith about coming out (and recommending he not do so).

Things came to a head in early August, when Ailes and other Fox executives, from both the news and opinion sides, convened to determine the new prime-time schedule. Fox had already announced Megyn Kelly’s move to prime-time, but the channel still needed to decide which talent she would replace. “They had to make a decision,” a Fox source with knowledge of the meeting put it flatly, “about what to do with Shep.”

It was at this meeting, according to a Fox source with familiar with its details, that Shine re-aired his worries about the audience’s potential reaction to Smith coming out, which by then had begun to seem, thanks to Shine’s whisper campaign, like a serious threat to Fox’s ratings.

(This is consistent with Shine’s carefully-worded response to Gawker’s initial report. “We have never asked Shep to discuss or not discuss his private life,” Shine said, “and the notion of us having an issue with anyone’s sexuality is not only insulting, but pure fiction.” That is, the executive did not profess any personal concerns about Smith’s sexuality, but he did have an issue with how Fox’s audience might react to Smith coming out.)

In any case, the campaign worked. The executives decided that Smith would depart prime-time, instantly reducing his visibility on the network. The tension around this decision was acute. “Everyone knew that Shep was getting demoted,” a Fox source told us. “And the coming out thing was a significant part of that.”

Did Shep Know?

It’s not clear that Smith himself knew how much of this was going on. He didn’t work with or report to Shine, and he was not present at the meeting where his prime-time fate was decided. He only knew that Ailes wasn’t sure about the wisdom of coming out, at least right now. The big press tour Fox arranged for Smith’s new 3 p.m. show made any lingering suspicions easy to ignore.

That might be why, in a Wednesday memo to his staff, Smith called our report “horseshit” and compared it, awkwardly, to CNN’s coverage of the the missing Malaysia Airlines passenger jet.

It was a funny email. But what else could he have said? The anchor is deeply devoted to his boss. But in no realistic scenario would Smith have known as much about his removal from prime-time as did Ailes and his coterie of executives. And in no universe would Smith’s personal well-being trump fears, real or imaginary, about Fox’s ratings.

Fox News did not respond to requests for comment.

To contact the author of this post, email trotter@gawker.com

[Photo credit: Getty Images]

Welcome To Salem: Let Your Freak Flag Fly

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Welcome To Salem: Let Your Freak Flag Fly

Has everyone been watching Salem? Guys, you should really be watching Salem. That means you too, mom. I know you're reading this. The episode starts with a dream four-way. No, not like your ideal four-way—a four-way in a dream. Not that a bearded Seth Gabel babbling a lot of religious rhetoric isn't a part of my ideal four-way, but you know what I mean.

If you begin an episode of television that way, you automatically win the night in television. That is a fact.

Salem is a crazy show, but it's the best kind of crazy. To be honest, I'm not sure I even know what's really going on in Salem. I know that Cotton Mather has more daddy issues than Daddy Monthly. I don't know even if Daddy Monthly is a real magazine, but if it is, he would still have more issues than it I know that Mary Sibley is the most fabulous anti-hero I've seen in years. Maybe if Walter White had worn fabulous coats, he'd have won that competition. I know that accents are more of a guideline than a rule or even a regional thing.

Nothing Salem is doing is in vain. It's all much appreciated. Salem is doing the Lord's work. Or Satan's work, I suppose. Quite frankly, I just don't know.

"In Vain," or "Everybody Hates Isaac" as I took to calling it, is mostly about driving Isaac crazy and making him the next town witch. It's also about Mary Sibley vs. Magistrate Hale (still rocking the Lucius Malfoy aesthetic, as I hope he always does), as well as Captain John Alden and Cotton Mather's begrudging buddy cop friendship. But if you take away one thing from this episode, it should be the dream four-way scene, which ends with with John saying "Judge not, lest ye be judged." I believe that translates to "Let your freak flag fly," but my Bible knowledge is a little bit rusty. Anne wakes up from the dream, terrified, but not as terrified as she is by her momentary black demon eyes or the creepy dolls she willing keeps in her room (including the magical one Mary had planted in there).

After the fantastic title sequence, we see Isaac the Fornicator carry the dead out of town. It's a public display, and even Tituba and Magistrate Hale of all people think Mary's over-the-top for not allowing him to take the dead out in a more secure, private route. Subtlety isn't anyone's game in Salem, but for any of these characters to judge another for being over-the-top—well, I think the "Let your freak flag fly" thing said all that needed to be said.

The plot boils down to Hale deciding that Isaac needs to be removed from the equation for witnessing the witch's ceremony in the woods. Mary doesn't find him to be a threat and orders against it, but Hale defies her authority and sets forth to make the town believe he's the latest witch. Meanwhile, Cotton continues to sleep with his prostitute Gloriana, assuring her that the innocent will be safe from these witch trials. It's nice that he thinks that. This is probably why his father thought so little of him.

Hale makes Isaac go mad immediately, having him attack the brothel and shout in the streets: "Isaac the Fornicator. Hide your wives! Hide your sheep!" It sounds more like the rantings of a drunk than a monster, and John defends the eventually arrested Isaac as such; but no alcohol is even on Isaac's breath, and it makes it difficult to argue in Isaac's favor.

John is able to guilt Mary though, and therein lies the one problem I have with the amazing Mary Sibley. If only Mary were an unabashed villain. Anne even calls her "despicable," so why can't we have that? The "love" story between Mary and John maintains that she must ultimately be pure of heart and a soul worth saving. Why does she need to be pure of heart when she has the best "period piece" wardrobe outside of Reign?

The title "In Vain" refers to Mary asking if everything's she done, from the mystical abortion to the toad stuff (which isn't even mentioned in this episode, unfortunately), probably, has been in vain, and I don't see how it could be. She's played by Janet Montgomery! She runs this terrible town! She has interesting pets like magic toads and snakes! She has the best coats I've ever seen! She could probably get Cotton Mather in her bed if she so wanted! That's living the life, don't you think? As far as I'm concerned, the only thing missing in Mary's life is a dream four-way, and this time, I do mean ideal four-way.

Simply put, there's a disparity between the Mary we see the majority of the time, and the Mary that apparently only exists whenever John is in the equation. The former is a redefining character, who wields power in a patriarchal 17th century society. The latter is just another love interest, especially when she talks of possibly never really having a choice when it comes to the life she currently has.

However, Mary does solve the Isaac situation in a way befitting of the former. She goes straight for the jugular, literally, as she magically forces illness on Anne, causing her to choke on blood. If there's one thing that Hale has going for him that Mary doesn't, it's the fact that he has attachments to this world, people worth caring about in his wife and his daughter. Mary allegedly doesn't have such things, so he can't use anything against her. "I will choose who lives and dies," she says, and if the season doesn't end with Mary killing at least 50% of the town, then why are we doing any of this? Mary puts Hale back in his place, firmly under her thumb, forcing him to release Isaac and drop any and all charges, and she returns Anne to good health, free to dream of four-ways for the rest of her days on this Earth. Everybody wins! Well, not the Hales, or the other innocents who will be cast as witches, or Mr. Sibley. But except for them, everybody wins!

And in a stealth cute moment on this show, Isaac the Fornicator brings flowers to the brothel as a way to apologize for his "drunken" moment. It sounds strange, especially after I just basically said I hope Mary goes on a magical killing spree, but trust me, it's cute. "Cute" is essentially the opposite of everything Salem is attempting to do, so when something like that happens, I have to take notice. I may have even said "aww" out loud, but it was late, and you can't prove anything.

Not cute, however, is Mr. Sibley stabbing himself in the thigh with one of Mary's knitting needles to close out the episode. See, that's more like Salem. You have witches feeding mice to snakes because of symbolism. You have pig men. You have fornicators bringing the cute. You have Shane West's non-existent accent. You have Ashley Madekwe's all too-existent accent (What is it? I don't know.). Say what you will about Salem — and please, say a lot — but it's not boring. It barely makes any sense whether you watch it or not, but still, I can't say it's ever been boring in these three episodes. I'd even go as far as to say it's the new The Cape, and trust me, that is the highest of praise.

[Image via WGN]

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Read more here.

Kirk Cameron Says Sensible Things About Gays WHAT THE FUCK?

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Kirk Cameron Says Sensible Things About Gays WHAT THE FUCK?

Breaking news! Noted homophobe Kirk Cameron has admitted that married people pose a far bigger threat to marriage than gays (most of whom still can't get married) or any "redefining" of marriage.

Whoa.

Here are some of his comments to AL.com:

When people get too focused on redefining marriage, you're distracted from the bigger problem - fornicators and adulterers... If the people sitting in the pews are fornicators and adulterers, the church will destroy marriages much more quickly than those outside the church. When God's people mock marriage, God doesn't take that lightly...I think the greatest threat to marriage is not other people's definition of marriage. The church isn't taking God's definition of marriage seriously. It's not other people sabotaging marriage that's the problem.

Cameron remains a judgmental idealist, but at least he's pointing his scorn at the segment of the population whose behavior actually defines what marriage is (and how weak of an institution it ultimately is under our current guidelines), as opposed to the supposed boogeymen who still aren't seen as legal equals throughout most of the U.S. He isn't using some what-if scenarios about the threats to marriage as he wants it to be; he's using the actual threats.

But lest you think that this signals the turning over of a new leaf for Cameron, he recently narrated a propagandic infomercial for the anti-gay Alliance Defense Fund. It included a segment in which two Georgia Tech students were persecuted for speaking out against marriage equality, sued, and won as a result of ADF handling their case. So even though Cameron isn't speaking out against gays at this very moment, he's more than happy to endorse others who are doing so.

[Image via Getty]

[H/T HuffPost Gay Voices]

Authorities say a faulty carabiner is to blame for yesterday's circus accident in Providence.

Letters From Death Row: Greg Esparza, Ohio Inmate 179-450

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Letters From Death Row: Greg Esparza, Ohio Inmate 179-450

We periodically run letters from death row inmates. Today we bring you a letter from Greg Esparza, who is awaiting execution on Ohio's death row.

Esparza was sentenced to death after being convicted of the 1983 murder of store clerk Melanie Gerschutz during the course of a robbery. In 2003, after rulings in Esparza's favor by lower courts regarding procedural problems with his case, the Supreme Court reinstated his death penalty. (Some background for clarity: Esparza replied to my original letter to him with a letter asking me to write a story establishing his innocence. I wrote back again asking him to answer general questions about his life on death row and his thoughts on justice in America. His reply is below.)

Letters From Death Row: Greg Esparza, Ohio Inmate 179-450

Dear Hamilton,

Got your letter. Lawyers, Tyler and a few said don't write ya, as you won't tell my story or do a story to help me. My view is a silent voice is never heard, and I rest on truth. No matter what I face or not, in end of life, what is one's purpose and where dose one choose to end up Heaven or Hell. For me my faith in Christ is deeper than any obsticle or fears I may face. Hamilton, I'm innocent, and if executed I be only one in state or nation executed who was never charged with Death Penalty case. 2 Federal courts agreed with me. The High Court said yes but it was harmless error. Under Ohio law one has to be charged principle offender or prior calculation and design. This was not on my indictment, in my case. 100+ documents was withheld. I'm here because a jailhouse snitch lied said I said I done it. He got 2500 out of jail early, and eye witness said it was short big neck

Letters From Death Row: Greg Esparza, Ohio Inmate 179-450

Heavyset (in court) but earlier statements (withheld) he said it was a white guy, 6 feet 180 mid 30's. I'm Latino, 5'7 then 20 200+. Eye witness also got into fight with guys he felt done it. Also (withheld). So that's crux of my case. On a date [of execution] as of yet no date. I'm at the end of my appeals. Do I have faith in courts. No, even if I got some relief, Ohio has already taken 31 years of my life. Life on death row has its ups and downs depending on what ya want. For me my days are spent trying to find a voice to shed light on my case. I don't waste time. I by choice spend 90+ percent in my cell. Where my TV, books and all I need are. I don't mix with a lot of fellas. There dreams don't match up to mine. For me it's a battle to gain my freedom. Death row in Ohio moved 4 times. We was at Lucasville prison, a riot took place and 11 died. Then we went to Mansfield prison. Then to Super Max Prison in Youngstown, Ohio. Then in 2012 here a old prison. Again for me it don't matter. As I can't except any of it ya can go on web get info on it all

Letters From Death Row: Greg Esparza, Ohio Inmate 179-450

My life is spent reading and I work on my case. I built my world on a cell. Many can't do as I do, as they need people and a way to deal with there reality. I go to gym twice a week, just to sprint for hour, pull ups, and come back. We can only go to gym twice a week. Outside twice a week. After than we are in (cell) or (range,) hanging out.

On my Past I grew up to a rough, poor Latino family. In out foster care, group homes, orphanage, and prison as a youth 4 times. Mom passed away when I was young. Dad shot and killed, 3 brothers killed. And a sister OD'd died. I have son. 32 or so and granddaughter. The visits mail are so rare. I sort of gave up on that. Been abused as a kid and a teen. So I had to learn to be tough at early age to survive. Been on Row for total 31 years. Got to death row at young age, mad and couldn't except this lie

Letters From Death Row: Greg Esparza, Ohio Inmate 179-450

so I spent first 10 years or so in hole/ solitary, got into Islam for 20 years. Left that a few years ago to give my life to Christ. On politics. Well. Didn't have much need for politics at early age. Now I feel I am more conservative in many ways. I do feel this country has lost a lot of its flavor. With laws that go against Bible. I feel media is weak. It panders to Obama or whoever it feels is in control. I feel the media is weak, and fear attacking [?] real issues. This country has a do as I say, not as I do mentality. It thinks it can control other nations. Yet it dose a lot of wrong, in name of liberty or justice. There's a book (The New Jim Crow) by Michelle Alexander. That tells it best. I feel death penalty is not about justice, but politics and revenge. No more no less, depending city or election year. Ya will face death penalty. I feel a deep study on Death Row has never been told. On who gets off. Who dies. Etc Etc. I wish and desire to get my story told

Letters From Death Row: Greg Esparza, Ohio Inmate 179-450

to youth. That prison/ crime dose not pay. That to liberate ya must educate. I wish I can tell woman to not allow a man to use em or abuse em, to run away from abuse. And not fear anyone. Kids need to know a life of prison is not fun or slick like the movies at times tells it. If ya can see movie (The Hurricane) about Rubin Carter a ex boxer, it sort of tells my story/ life in many ways. Hamilton I guess what I wish is conveyed is truth. Ya can go online or research my case or issues see for yourself. Call friend [name and number] or call one of my lawyers [name and number]. Tell her I said it was ok to do so. If I don't get someone who listen I die without my story told. I don't fear death. I come to realize, society as a whole don't give a shit, as long as it's not there love ones

Letters From Death Row: Greg Esparza, Ohio Inmate 179-450

For me, I see how the world has changed so much. Wars that are fought. Only (poor) seems to fight. Reasons why wars are lost now, they fight a politically correct war. I feel also Western world don't have a real sense on Islam. You can't tame evil, and evil only understands force. I feel so called educators don't ask real questions on Islam or other issues. I feel Gawker can be a way to start a media empire, if it goes to the common people, have a online media sector, all ghettos coast to coast. I feel ABC, CBS, NBC, etc is a waste of time. It's all a bunch of bullshit that cows to Obama or celebrities. I feel Gawker can get people, if it has no fear in telling truth to people.

Well Hamilton I will close for now. I pray ya print and get my story told. Ya can go online set up a e-mail account on www.IPay.com. It's a service we on Row or prison can do. It also dose Skype

Letters From Death Row: Greg Esparza, Ohio Inmate 179-450

So if ya want e-mail me and once ya do ya have a account. I can also place calls if ya wish. Hamilton, if ya can pass my # name onto as many people as ya can, also can ya write Italy papers or media. Request on my behalf Pope come see me eat lunch with me when he comes to America. Also to see poor, not White House or rich. So can ya for me get that out on air in Italy. Please.

Peace to you

Greg Esparza

Letters From Death Row: Greg Esparza, Ohio Inmate 179-450

PS, Death Row means a lot to different people. Some choose to change. Some are stuck on stupid. Some are indifferent. For me, tho I am in prison, facing death, my mind and heart is free. Fear is not who I am. What I want is some one who simply research (the facts.) If ya can find a person who may be interested in my plight, can you pass on all information to whom ever. Well again, I pray you do justice to my story. Ya can call Eric. He wrote a book, waiting to get publish on life on death row, whom I helped him on. If you want, he is a freelance writer. Ya can use to do a story on this area of USA. Peace to you and all, Greg Esparza

A-179-450

PS, Send me a copy of what ya print, again. Ya can e-mail me on www.IPay.com

Previously

You can find the full archives of our "Letters from Death Row" series here.

[Image by Jim Cooke]


Florida Won't Let This Guy Marry His Laptop Full of Porn

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Florida Won't Let This Guy Marry His Laptop Full of Porn

If there's one thing Mark "Chris" Sevier loves, it's jerking off. If there's another, it's filing lawsuits. The man who sued Apple because it sold him a computer that allowed him to get addicted to porn is now getting involved in Florida's gay marriage debate by demanding he be allowed to marry that same porn-infested computer.

Florida is considering the very serious question of whether it will recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states, and Sevier has filed a motion claiming to represent other minority sexual orientation groups. If gay people "have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts," he argues, "then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object."

Because the gay marriage debate is all about objects and parts, not relationships, families, and the legal benefits that accrue to married couples. Obviously.

Unfortunately, Sevier's 24-page filing continues with a description of his personal relationship with his sweetheart—I mean, preferred sexual object:

Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I 'fell in love' with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

Sevier, an attorney and music producer, has a history of strange legal entanglements, including stalking country singer John Rich and suing A&E for firing one of Duck Dynasty's beardos over homophobic remarks in an interview.

He was suspended from practicing law in Tennessee in 2011 due to "mental infirmity or illness."

Sevier's attempt to marry his MacBook have been squashed for now in Florida.

"Chris Sevier has moved to intervene, apparently asserting he wishes to marry his computer," Judge Robert Hinkle wrote on April 24. "Perhaps the motion is satirical. Or perhaps it is only removed from reality. Either way, the motion has no place in this lawsuit."

But Sevier isn't done yet. If Florida won't let him get hitched to a computer, maybe another state will. He's currently attempting to intervene in Utah's battle over a state constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.

"Those of us whose sexual orientation has been classically conditioned upon orgasm through the straight forward science of dopamine to prefer sex with inanimate objects and animals do not have public support, like the gays, so we are especially vulnerable here," he wrote in a 50 page brief.

[H/T Uproxx, Photo: Chris Sevier, Esq./Facebook]

Sex Is a Chimera On The Good Wife

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Sex Is a Chimera On The Good Wife

Alicia has been called up for jury duty, which means–as she explains to the charming Daniel "Nestor Carbonell" Irwin, with whom she strikes up an immediate bond–it's only going to take explaining how she is a celebrity political wife and high-profile attorney of Chicago for them to send her packing. He flirts with the idea of also claiming to be an attorney to get out of there, which Alicia likes, but then she's even more charmed when he decides to tell the truth, that he's a battery inventor. (A thing you can be.)

Heading back into the office, Alicia is waylaid by the helpful care of her partner and best associate, Cary Agos, who gives her the mandatory day off in a winsome, not-quite-boundary crossing way. (And before you ask, yes he is wearing pink again, yes it is aggressively tailored, and yes, Cary continues to keep it tight.) I don't know what his deal is except that there's a parallel to the controlling/solicitous way David Lee and Louis Canning are treating Diane over at LG, so I guess there's something to the notion that grief over Will's death is continuing to blunt their performance: A thing you may think, but must never say. If you're wrong, you will just make them crazy. If you're right, they were already crazy, so now you have two problems.

Once home and at a loss, we're treated to a rather luxuriously long sequence of Alicia trying and failing to comprehend how televisions, remote controls, or even basic simple machines, such as the lever or the block-and-tackle, work. Zach walks her through it, and then before you know it she's staring at the buffering bar like it's an actual TV show. Even just the thought of Alicia sitting still makes me so uncomfortable! I had no idea how harrowing the reality would turn out to be.

Meanwhile, Eli's campaign-manager boner for Finn Polmar is approaching max tumescence, as he grills him and preps him and primps him and plays Devil's Advocate with him and books him interviews–with our beloved Miriam Shor's Mandy Post, last seen involved in an altercation with a ficus, no less–and generally crawls right up inside his clothes with him. Of course, since he was born to do this, he's happier than he has been all season, and it's infectious. Even Alicia takes it easy on him, which she hasn't done in years. And Finn–wearing all kinds of blue that makes his eyes pop, and possibly with a new haircut–seems a little more taken by Eli's enthusiasm than he's maybe prepared for.

Of course, once Eli's got Finn convinced that doing the right thing, being the right guy–the hero of the Jeffrey Grant tragedy–and saying the right stuff are all the same thing, he's part of the Eli Machine. When Mandy springs a fresh hell on Finn, though, he starts going a little dark. Drawing a parallel between the Grant situation and Finn's own sister's suicide a few years ago–the family tried tough love when her addictions resisted everything else–means calling into question all the great media-messaging Eli's got him doing, which adds to Finn's ambivalence about running a campaign at all.

In the end, a short touch-base conversation with Alicia provides them both with a much-needed emotional stability: As Alicia knows all too well, Eli can turn you into a hero or a saint merely through sheer willpower... But he's rarely around to pick up the pieces, once the pressure to maintain that perfect self-image starts shaking you apart.

The case of the week is one of those classic Good Wife ripped-from-the-headlines ones where we get to learn all about Silk Road, TOR, MtGox, the anonymous underbelly of the internet, and so forth. I have been missing them talk all about Bitcoins, all the time so I am pleased to say that everyone involved in this story says the word "Bitcoin"–as both a singular and plural–about eleven thousand times. There's even an Ayn Rand reference in case you weren't already overcome with mirth.

The details are that Lyle Pollard–a returning Robert Klein–has an adorable young grandson with cerebral palsy, who may or may not be an employee of the Silk Road or its originator or a murderer of many people, or maybe just some cute kid who got involved with the world's rougher neckbeards. After a post-MtGox trace on the formerly anonymous email helps lead LG to a drug dealer codenamed "Corsica," and her branded weed is found at the site of a few murders, things get murkier.

Finn's working on a plea that involves getting up the anonymous chain to the site's founders, against which Diane pushes back with a fairly awesome (if slick) double-whammy of pointing out how attacking Robbie and Canning on the public stage, between their CP and tardive dyskinesia, might work against him in the race. It's not her proudest moment but it's some smooth-ass maneuvering, and I think earns her a little respect with Finn. In the end, the outcome you were expecting–little Robbie is the Dread Pirate Roberts after all–comes about in such a twisted, strange way that you end up having forgotten you already knew how it would end.

It's sad because Diane has to abruptly drop the case, pissing off Lyle Pollard but saving his family, at the same time David Lee and Louis Canning are moving in on her in some kind of coup. She fires her assistant after learning she's been routing Diane's clients to the usurpers since Will's death, but David Lee cops to the whole thing instantly: She's been underperforming, and he didn't want her to know he was sidestepping her in case that made it worse for her. "It's the last nice thing I'll ever do," he promises, and you know he means it since it was also the first nice thing he has ever done.

After a neat moment in which Diane claims to be channeling Will–leading Kalinda to smile sadly and just say, "Then take care of him"–the new Gruesome Twosome drop an even bigger bomb: Canning's working at LG and doing secret things with David Lee because he's been given a life expectancy of under a year, and wants to end things on a high note. Nobody wants to be crass enough to question something like that, but of course you have to since it's Canning. Kalinda investigates, and learns that both things are true: Yes Canning is dying, but also yes, he's coming after Diane somehow.

The ghost of Will hangs over Alicia's day, as well, in good and bad ways. So bored she actually accepts her mother's invitation to lunch, Alicia feels burned when Veronica's latest boy-toy crashes their meal a few minutes in, and heads back to force a run-in with Daniel Irwin. He invites her to lunch, and she has a fidelity-related freakout within minutes; he continues to be a totally chill person, and asks her out for drinks that night. "I like you," he says with a smile. "I'd want to have a drink with you if you were a man, or a chimpanzee." As only Alicia could, she recognizes this as a compliment, and retires home to freak out about it for hours and hours.

Back home and watching that True Detective analogue–this time with an on-the-nose message about how sex always as the potential to stand in for or distract from something else–Alicia watches the clock like a hawk, wondering if she'll go on her date after all. Veronica shows up, intention to Mother Her Children redoubled, and they get drunk talking about divorce, death, and the very real and continuing presence of Will in her life. After dissolving into tears, existential crisis and some honest-to-God mothering from a very on-point Veronica, Alicia pulls it together and heads out for her one drink with her new friend... Only to balk at the last second, finally understanding that she'd be cheating on Will, and not Peter, if she went inside. Heavy stuff!

All in all, another low-key hit along a string of quiet wins in the post-Gardner era. Watching Alicia question her identity is tough, since the show started with the understanding that she was making the first choices of her entire life. When she bursts into tears in her mother's lap, it's not because of Will or Peter or Finn or anybody else: It's that she isn't a saint and she might not even be a lawyer. Good questions to ask, hard ones to watch.

On the LG side, Kalinda's quiet menace toward Canning and David Lee was a very satisfying grace note as well, now that she's acclimated to playing the role that Diane still can't play no matter how hard she gets. And watching Diane play the angles and adjust her game is always so satisfying: Once you see the wheels turning, you know she's gonna be clacking down the hallway in her heels soon enough, to take one or more motherfuckers down. It'll be nice to get Alicia back into the office, just to see Cary if nothing else, but this week's focus on the ladies of LG–now that blood is verifiably in the water–was as edgy and satisfying as it's wanted to be since way back when the fourth-years first deserted.

Diane's always been a one-woman dam against the tide, whether it was Will's forced hiatus or the Bond war or Stern's weird abortive coup with the elderly partners, but watching the soldier's glimmer in her eyes as she continues to feel out just how much she and Kalinda can depend on each other, is something even Alicia would find heartbreaking and beautiful. No matter how jealous it made her. If you'd asked me two months ago whether a LG/FA merger was a good idea, I would have rolled my eyes. But now? There's so much history and love and beauty between those three women, and so much pain, that almost seems like the best of all possible worlds.

Next week: Tom Skerritt sticks his foot in it about poor people, while Diane and Canning end up on opposite sides of a pharma class action. Oh, and Eli learns about the sad joke that is currently the Florrick marriage and, no doubt, demonstrates a healthy respect for boundaries and common sense.

[Image via CBS]

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We Are Not in the Golden Age of Staring at Fire

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We Are Not in the Golden Age of Staring at Fire

People say the fire is good. I do not want to be that one who says the fire is not good. You know that one: Fire is so stupid and worthless, he says, I don't even use fire. I eat my meat raw, and I certainly don't have time to stare into flames.

I like staring into the fire. The sun goes down, the insects sing, the moon rises—and there is the fire, burning, orange. The flames licking like tongues, or possibly they genuinely are tongues, flaring out of otherwise invisible mouths of the spirit world. But I do not hear or understand their language, no matter how long I stare. I am uncomprehending.

Now, though, it seems as if everyone wants to impute something greater to the fire. They cannot stop talking about it. Do you remember when that big log burned through in the middle and crashed down? All those sparks rushing upward at once! Or earlier when the wind got into the middle of it, and the fire guttered and rattled, and the smoke was thrown in everyone's faces?

I do remember that, but why do we have to talk about it? Fire is for staring at. People used to understand that the fire-staring was simply fire-staring. Nobody tried to claim we were in a golden age of fire. Today's flames are no brighter. The sparks don't soar any higher. But people blather on and on.

It's not about the uselessness of it. Of course it is useless. You could be thinking of ways to distract the cave bear tomorrow, so that your comrades can stab it with their spears. You could be chipping new flints to make the spear points. Or propitiating the God of the Bears. But you stare into the fire.

I certainly do. The fire is warm on my eyeballs; I barely blink. The deep white-orange pulse in the heart of the coals beats, now steadily, now irregularly. See? Now I am falling into this trap, too. The trap of talking about the fire. Enough idle discussion. Stare. Be still. The moon is transiting the sky. There are the flames, leaping. Stare at them. It is what we do.

[Gif via YouTube]

Deadspin The Frat Boys Who Moved The Colts Out Of Baltimore | Gizmodo Google Same-Day Delivery Hits

Look, this whole "nerdprom" problem is very simple: All you self-loathing/self-obsessed D.C. media p

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Look, this whole "nerdprom" problem is very simple: All you self-loathing/self-obsessed D.C. media people who go to and/or talk about the White House Correspondents Dinner are not, technically speaking, "nerds." You are "tools."

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