Lest you think the gravity of civil war would preclude people from any having fun, here's a video of a bunch of Syrian soldiers dancing to Usher and Lil Jon's 2004 hit "Yeah!"

There is a twist, of course: Toward the end of the video, the soldiers begin to shoot their guns, which just moments before were benign dance partners. According to the AP, they collectively unleash "an oft-heard battle chant in the Middle East: 'With our souls, our blood, we sacrifice for you Bashar!'"

The AP adds that the clip "appeared on both pro-regime social networking sites and anti-regime YouTube channels, as is normal for such material." Yeah, I don't know what this proves other than the universal language of "Yeah!"

Everyone's phone just made the same noise, because, well, you know why. (Actually—make of it what you will—Gizmodo's phones made the noise a couple of minutes afterward.) So let's acknowledge the fact that everyone already knows the thing that everyone is talking about. SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW. Sometime. There.

Actually, it's quite a bit more than 53.

According to a notice posted on the employee bulletin board at Seton Hall University's heavy metal radio station WSOU, uttering any band names or playing any songs with the words "devil," "Satan," "God," "Jesus," or "any other Catholic references that are portrayed in a negative light" will result in suspension.

But to take any guesswork out of which band names aren't appropriate for the airwaves at "Seton Hall's Pirate Radio," the management drafted a list of the 53 dirtiest band names that you can never say on the radio, a la George Carlin's iconic monologue about TV.

The list includes such metal radio staples as Cradle of Filth, Cannibal Corpse, Anal Cunt, Morbid Angel, and Deicide, but also a bunch of just-fun-to-say-out-loud outfits such as Adolf Satan, Baby Jesus Hitler, Crucifucks, Jesus Chrysler, Smother Theresa, and, of course, Hell-O.

It's all fairly ridiculous Roman Catholic university stuff, but you'll be quick to forgive once you realize that mentioning Nickleback and/or Justin Bieber will result in a DJ's immediate termination.

[H/T: Uproxx, photo via Shutterstock, list via Reddit]

The polling wizards at Quinnipiac University have released a new poll assessing Americans' opinions of a wide array of hot button issues, including women in combat, gun control, and abortion. While there are some surprises here, there are also some major "ya doi"s. So let's get into it.

Guns

• 56% of Americans support a nationwide ban on the sale of assault weapons.
• 56% support a ban on high-capacity ammunition magazines.
• Shockingly, 92% of Americans support universal background checks.
• Unsurprisingly, the data shows more Democrats than Republicans support gun control.
• Stricter gun control laws are also much more popular in the northeast and midwest than in the south and west.

The poll also reveals that Americans have no freaking clue where the President or the NRA stand on gun control. 46% of Americans said the NRA reflects their views on guns. So, nine in 10 people support universal background checks but nearly half say they agree with the NRA which opposes said background checks. Great work, American public.

Immigration

• 56% of Americans support allowing illegal immigrants to stay in the country and work their way toward citizenship.
• While the majority of every racial group supports immigrants being allowed to stay, surprisingly the highest amount of support comes from the black community, at 77%.

Women in Combat

• 75% of Americans support a woman's right to serve in a military combat role, should she so choose.
• 77% percent of women said they support women in combat roles.
• 73% of men agree.

[Images via AP]

Part of ex-cop turned murder suspect Christopher Dorner's rambling manifesto, which touches on everything from his feelings about gay rights to his opinions about the actor Christoph Waltz, delves into the matter that seems to be at the heart of his breakdown. In 2007, Dorner, then a probationary employee with the LAPD, accused his training officer, Teresa Evans, of kicking a schizophrenic man with dementia unnecessarily during the course of the arrest. Dorner omitted the kicks from the arrest report immediately following the incident because he says he was "unsure what to write about the incident on the arrest report, so [Officer] Evans completed the report." But approximately two weeks later, he ended up telling an LAPD captain what he says he witnessed.

At the time of the accusation, the arrested man's father, Richard Gettler, testified that there was merit to Dorner's claims, saying that he asked his son, Christopher, upon returning home "if he had been in a fight because his face was puffy." Christopher "responded that he was kicked twice in the chest by a police officer," according to sworn testimony. Christopher also testified that he was kicked once, but the LAPD Board of Rights decided that his mental illness prevented him from giving an accurate recollection.

Dorner further claimed that after he registered his complaint against Evans, his fellow officers harassed him with schoolyard pranks. This from one of the court documents related to Dorner's case:

Following [Dorner's] complaint about Sergeant Evans, [Dorner] believed someone urinated on his equipment bag at the police station. [Dorner] thought this was in retaliation for his complaint against Sergeant Evans and filed a complaint about this incident. However, an analysis of the unknown substance on [Dorner's] jacket revealed that the substance was not urine.

In the end, the internal LAPD investigation turned into a literal he-said-she-said situation, with no eyewitnesses—aside form Christopher Gettler—able to corroborate Dorner's story. The Board decided to fire Dorner for giving a false testimony, saying that there was not substantial evidence to support his allegations, and pointing out that Dorner had come forward with his complaint only after Evans told him he was danger of receiving an unsatisfactory evaluation. A trial court later rejected Dorner's request for a "writ of administrative mandamus"—a request for a superior court to review an administrative body's ruling—saying that Dorner "failed to carry his burden of establishing that the administrative findings were contrary to the weight of the evidence." Further appeals went nowhere.

In his manifesto, Dorner maintains his innocence, says the LAPD has ruined his relationship with his mother, and claims knowledge of a secret meeting in which Evans' attorney admitted Evans kicked Gettler that night in 2007. "I have attempted all legal court efforts within appeals at the Superior Courts and California Appellate courts," he writes. "This is my last resort. The LAPD has suppressed the truth and it has now lead [sic] to deadly consequences."

Towards the end of last year, Frito-Lay invited snackers across the country to suggest new Lay's potato chip flavors they would like to see the company produce.

The "judging phase" of the "Do Us a Flavor" promotion is supposedly still underway, but several photos that began circulating online yesterday suggest the contest is over — and America won.

According to the photos, the three flavors picked to join the Lay's potato chip line are Cheesy Garlic Bread, Chicken & Waffles, and the long-sought-after Sriracha.

We'll have to wait five more days to find out if this is all just an impossibly cruel hoax, but assuming it isn't, the hardest task still lays ahead: Deciding which of the three flavors gets to stick around for good.

[H/T: Foodbeast, photos via First We Feast]

Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions to caity@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

To decorate my room, I put up letters spelling out "EXPLORE" on my wall and hung white Christmas lights around the ceiling. About 2 weeks later, my housemate—whose room is right next to mine—hung Christmas lights and put up letters spelling out "WANDER." Now my cool room is totally not cool anymore. Is that okay?

Thatz okay.

What are the odds that two carefree flâneurs, both alike in whimsy, would one day wander themselves right to the very same doorstep of the very same bohemian abode? One hundred thousand in a million, I'd say.

The most frustrating thing about somebody copying you is not seeing your "steez" splashed across someone else's canvas; it's being unable to complain about it in a way that doesn't make you seem like a petty, whiny baby.

(I come to work wearing a super cute Limited Too tiered lace tank top in my signature color—emerald green—and the very next day Hamilton Nolan comes to work in the exact same LTD2 tank, but I'M the one who needs to "grow up"?)

Such is the plight of a trendsetter. I empathize. But you do sound like a whiny, tiny baby.

So your roommate stole your words-on-the-wall idea that you stole from Pinterest that Pinterest stole from Esty that Etsy stole from graffiti. Worse, she one-upped you because her word choice is better:

"EXPLORE": Big angry "X"; harsh colonialist/imperial vibes; male space

"WANDER": velvety; patient; whimsical

Before you do anything, you have to get your wall word on the same level as her wall word. You put up letters reading "RAMBLE." She'll probably change hers to "MOSEY." You hit her back with "MEANDER." She'll retaliate with "PERAMBULATE." Finally, you flip the script with "STOP COPYING ME." If she's easily intimidated, she will admit defeat and relinquish all laser-cut wooden wall letters to you. If she's a contender, she'll throw up "STOP IMITATING ME."

Next, you buy a piranha for your room. She'll get an electric eel. You get a waterbed. She'll start sleeping in a flotation tank. You soundproof your room "so I can practice my drumming." She'll soundproof her room so she can practice her guitar, oblivious to the fact that, while string monkeys are a dime a dozen, a gifted drummer is always a hot commodity.

One night a few weeks later, creep into her room and remove her eel from its freshwater tank. Carefully place it inside her saltwater sleep chamber. The change in environment will agitate the animal, who will strike out at your roommate again and again, punishing her frail body with shocks of up to 600 volts a blow. As she bangs against the door of the tank for rescue, use your arm muscles—strengthened by hours of paradiddle drum rudiments—to hold the door shut. Once the banging has ceased, sneak back into your bed and dream of all the words, wonderful words, that will adorn the walls of your soon-to-be expanded room. Wait for another one of your roommates—one with her own unique style and aesthetic who doesn't feel the need to copy people all the time—to discover the body in the morning.

Alternatively, you could take down your letters and paint something like this.

Or just remind yourself that you probably won't have to live with this person for the rest of your life and let it go.

I have a friend that is involved with a great guy. He treats her very well, has a lot of great qualities and is a very successful man. She is also very successful and such a good person. They have exchanged I love you's and everything seems to be progressing very nicely. The other day she mentioned he isn't very "baby-minded." She would be an awesome mom and we're certain he would be a stellar dad. We are pushing the idea of trapping him with a pregnancy but she is resistant. We still think it's a viable option. Is that OK?

Thatz not okay.

I guess the first question is: Why do you care?

Are you nervous that the people of France will turn on your friend if she fails to produce a dauphin? Are you an aspiring eugenicist eager to tackle your first matchmaking experiment? Does your friend owe you a favor, and will you only accept payment in the form of "baby"?

It's. Not. Ya. Baby.

Maybe your friend is resistant to the idea of "trapping" her partner with a pregnancy because she enjoys knowing he is with her because he wants to be. Maybe your friend doesn't particularly want a baby either right now, but felt she had to blame someone because her weird friends are obsessed with the idea of her having one. Maybe the fact that your friend is hesitant to ensnare her partner in a life-altering trap is one of the things he loves about her, and one day he'll smile at her from across the table and think, "That is one non-crazy bitch," and suggest they have a baby.

Maybe they will just never sync up on the baby issue, and eventually she'll find someone who does want to have a baby and then she'll have a baby.

Whatever the outcome, it does not require your intervention.

It's not clear from your letter why you're certain he would be a stellar dad if he is expressly against having a child. Yes, lots of men who don't want to be fathers end up becoming great dads when the babies arrive, but let's assume they're the exception rather than the rule. Sometimes, the guy who will make the best dad is the guy who really wants to be a dad. Channing Tatum looks like he would be a great construction worker, but we still let him pursue his passion, which is stripping, and he's great at it.

Hopefully she knows not to accept any condoms (with holes poked in them) or giant birth control pills (they are Smarties™) from you.

Submit your "Thatz Not Okay" questions here. Image from Shutterstock

When Beyoncé's publicist emailed Buzzfeed earlier this week to ask that they kindly remove "some unflattering photos" of her client that were included in a listicle of "The 33 Fiercest Moments From Beyoncé's Halftime Show," little did she know that the Internet doesn't quite work that way.

In fact, that's the exact opposite of the way in which the Internet works.

Now, thanks to an unforgiving Internet phenomenon known as the Streisand Effect, those photos are not only everywhere — they've become a full-fledged meme.

Folks on Reddit and other social websites have been trampling over each other to come up with ways to make Bey's "unflattering" candids even more unflattering.

Some of the more superb examples have been posted here, but there is always room for more, so grab a template and join in.

[H/T: The Daily Dot, BuzzFeed, Uproxx, Reddit, top photo via Getty]

Getting images removed from photo agencies' websites: so hot right now. On Monday, we discovered that photos of Kanye West in his much-maligned kilt at the 12-12-12 concert were removed from Getty's site and various others. Now, controversial shots of Beyoncé have gotten the same treatment.

Earlier this week, Beyoncé's publicist asked Buzzfeed to remove seven pictures from its The 33 Fiercest Moments From Beyoncé's Halftime Show post that went up Monday. Instead, Buzzfeed published the email as well as the seven offensive split-second captures of Beyoncé's frenetic, frantic performance, giving that PR contraband way more attention than it originally received. Nice.

Today, we discovered that five out of those seven photos have been scrubbed from the website of the photo agency from which they were purchased, Getty Images. The two that are still available for download are these:

The five that have been removed are these:

Incidentally, there are still several ridiculous shots of King B doing her halftime cyclone available on Getty's site. Here are five to compensate for their fallen sisters, which are still, obviously, very much available for free on the Internet because that is how the Internet works:

[All images via Getty, fool]

Call it a hunch, but I think little John isn't being entirely truthful to his mom when he says he has no clue how all those sprinkles got stuck to his face and teeth.

[Videogum]

In a Fuse interview with pop cultural cockroach Alexa Chung (she will not go away), Justin Bieber's mom Pattie Mallette revealed her displeasure over his lack of nominations for the upcoming Grammy Awards. Just like everyone in his circle, including his own self-entitled ass, she has an issue with him being denied the possibility of a trophy to recognize his popularity.

However, in imparting this ridiculousness sentiment, she makes on a valid point. Says Pattie:

I think they blew it. It's my boy, I'm a little biased. I just heard that he's had now five No. 1 albums, so I think his music is speaking for itself...But I think it's kind of good in a way. It gives him something to strive for and a goal to go for.

This is a cut-and-pasted version of stuff Bieber said in his recent Billboard Q&A, softened and curated for logic. Because: exactly. Justin Bieber has been rewarded and recognized enough as it is without deserving a Grammy. No one deserves a cherry on top of the delicious ice cream sundae of his charmed life. You just get it or you don't, and if nothing else, use its potential as a motivator, a carrot at the end of a stick. But know that it's still just a fucking cherry.

As you may have learned from Twitter, or your phone, or just by paying vague attention to nearly any news organization: a big storm is headed for the northeast, bringing as many as 20 inches of snow to New York and more to New England. What do we know? What do you need to know?

It's going to start tomorrow morning...

So far the forecast is for a light snow starting early tomorrow morning, possibly mingling with rain as temperatures rise later in the day. By mid-afternoon expect 4-6 Facebook posts complaining that the snowstorm is a letdown, increasing throughout the day.

...but won't really kick in until tomorrow night.

Temperatures are going to drop quickly, and that's when the snow will really start. In New York City it should end by Saturday morning; in New England, it'll continue through Saturday. By Monday government will have disbanded, and roving gangs of vicious post-humans on snowmobiles will patrol neighborhoods demanding tribute.

It's actually two different storms combining.

The worst case scenario that everyone is preparing for involves two storms, an Alberta Clipper (hailing from Alberta to the northwest) and a southern storm heading northward, merging quickly tomorrow.

It could be the biggest snowstorm in a century.

New York City could get anywhere from 10 and 20 inches; Long Island could get 18 inches; Boston could break its record of 27 inches; if all these forecasts are true, we're looking at a record-breaking haul of measurement-based dick jokes across the Northeast.

It's going to be windy.

We could get 50 m.p.h. winds here in New York. Talk about a "Windy City," ha ha, but don't get hit by a falling telephone pole, please.

You are probably not getting anywhere in the Northeast this weekend.

More than 500 flights have already been canceled, and Amtrak is going to suspend service between Boston and New York sometime tomorrow.

It's not really named "Nemo."

The only people calling this story "Nemo" work for the Weather Channel, which decided last year that it would start to name winter storms the same way the World Meteorological Organization names hurricanes. Many people and organizations—the National Weather Service, for example—object to this: there aren't really strict guidelines governing what kinds of storms receive names and what kids don't, and unlike hurricanes—which have an identifiable center and clear direction—winter storm systems are erratic and complicated. (There are also, yes, commercial considerations here.)

Worse, the Weather Channel is giving winter storms terrible, pandering fantasy-novel names like "Draco," "Gandolf" and... "Nemo." For this reason we suggest using your own name for the storm, like "Snowlo" or "Flake-Quake" or "The Big Snow Storm."

THUNDERSNOW!

The Wall Street Journal's Eric Holthaus gets it: "Thundersnow - that rarest and most exciting of weather phenomena - could again grace the skies above New York City on Friday night."

Christopher Dorner, the alleged killer ex-cop currently being hunted—sometimes poorly—by the LAPD, reportedly mailed a package to CNN's Anderson Cooper that arrived last week, on February 1. Cooper's assistant opened the package and found inside two smaller parcels: One was a souvenir medallion sometimes given out by LA Police Chief William Bratton. The medallion had been damaged by bullet holes and a note attached to it read, "Thanks but no thanks, Will Bratton." The second parcel was a DVD ostensibly containing an interview with Christopher Gettler, the schizophrenic man Dorner claimed a fellow officer kicked unnecessarily during an arrest in 2007. Dorner was later fired after an LAPD board ruled his allegations were false and refused to give weight to the ill Gettler's testimony. But in the manifesto he posted to Facebook earlier this week, Dorner wrote, "During this [LAPD Board of Rights] hearing a video was played for the ... panel where Christopher Gettler stated that he was indeed kicked by Officer Evans." On the DVD, Dorner had written, "Chris Dorner Exoneration."

Dorner's manifesto said he sent packages to "multiple" news outlets. So expect more in the coming days. Dorner is still on the loose.

If you're seeing the above redirect message to Facebook when you try to visit, oh, pretty much any webpage (Gawker included), you're not alone. Starting about 15 minutes ago, an apparent glitch with Facebook Connect triggered the problem. In addition to Gawker Media, there were reports of issues at NYMag.com, ESPN, CNN, Hulu and apparently dozens of other sites. We're working on figuring out the problem but for now, here's how you can fix it: Sign out of Facebook. That should let you continue to read about the Snow Storm to End All Snow Storms and Justin Bieber's mom. We'll update when we know more.

UPDATE: The problem seems to be fixed now. We've emailed Facebook for comment.

UPDATE: Facebook responded with the following statement:

For a short period of time, there was a bug that redirected people logging in with Facebook from third party sites to Facebook.com. The issue was quickly resolved, and Login with Facebook is now working as usual.

We've asked for more information. But in the meantime, it's good to know one small glitch at Facebook can effectively disable the entire internet by redirecting it to their site.

After an ill-advised foray into acting and the release of a mediocre comeback single, there was only one direction left for Justin Timberlake to take: creative director for Anheuser Busch's high-alcohol new-ish product, Bud Light Platinum. As part of his new gig, Timberlake will be in charge of providing Bud Light Platinum's "creative, musical and cultural curation." He will also star in a commercial for the beer, which will debut during Sunday's Grammy Awards. Timberlake's take on the move?

"Bud Light Platinum brings a refined, discerning aesthetic to beer that plays well with what I'm doing," Timberlake said in a statement.

Right. That description doesn't quite match up with reviews for the beer, highlighted in a recent profile in BuzzFeed.

Civilian reviews of Platinum were unpromising. "Reminiscent of a malt liquor mixed with the dregs of a Bud Light"; "the smell is honestly horrific"; "tastes like stale raisins," said the commenters at BeerAdvocate.com. "I can't beat around the bush: this is a foul fucking beer," added YouTube's Hoggies Beer Review.

But hey, we've all got to get paid. Budweiser, for their part, seem thrilled. "Justin Timberlake is one of the greatest creative minds in the entertainment industry, and his insights will help us further define Bud Light Platinum's identity in the lifestyle space," Paul Chibe, Anheuser-Busch's vice president of U.S. marketing, said in a statement.

"In the lifestyle space." That's definitely a real thing, right?

[Billboard//Image via AP]

After gaining access to the personal email accounts of Dorothy Bush, George W. Bush's sister, and several friends close to the Bush family, a hacker apparently obtained Bush family photos, cell phone numbers, security codes, information about George H.W. Bush's health, a post-election email from Fox New's Brit Hume, and, most amazingly, pictures of George W. Bush's in-progress paintings, which are just as awkward and simple as you'd hope. All told, six accounts were hacked, including emails for Barbara Bush's brother, family friend Willard Hemingway, and CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz, another friend of the family.

A large number of the stolen emails, which dated from 2009 to 2012, dealt with George H.W. Bush's recent stay in the hospital. One email from Jeb Bush noted H.W.'s friendliness toward Bill Clinton, noting "how kind he was with President Clinton and he helped restore his sordid reputation. A very tough thing to do but with kindness, dad probably helped Bill Clinton than anything he himself has done." He added, "Might be tough to say it that way in a eulogy with President 42 there."

On December 26 of last year, George W. Bush emailed his siblings to say he was "thinking about eulogy" and to ask for advice: "since the feeling is that you all would rather me speak than bubba, please help."

After the election in November, Brit Hume, sad faced Fox News political analyst, emailed Hemingway, writing, "Election outcome disappointing, but there are many silver linings."

But the truly remarkable parts are the photos. The picture above is obviously excellent, but it's nothing compared to George W. Bush's attempts at painting, pictures of which he apparently emailed to his sister two months ago. The paintings, both self-portraits, are...well, just judge for yourself.

There are also pictures of the family with Ralph Lauren.

And Bubba himself.

But really, let's just go back to those paintings. Here is the master, at work on a picture of a nearby church.

As for the hacker, Guccifier, he claims he's not worried about the inevitable Secret Service investigation. "i have an old game with the fucking bastards inside, this is just another chapter in the game," he told The Smoking Gun. He also said the "feds" started investigating him "a long time ago" and that he had hacked "hundreds of accounts."

[The Smoking Gun]

Sweet Brown, the eminently quotable local news star, took her sweet time cashing in on her viral video fame, but now she's about to be everywhere.

hough she appeared in her first TV commercial not long after coming into public view, Brown's latest ad — for a Tulsa-based dental clinic — is the first salvo in a media push that will include a stint as a co-host on Cheaters and a role in Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas.

According to the Christian Post, Beyoncé's favorite Internet celeb can also be booked for private parties, corporate retreats, and church events.

Oh, and she also "did a video with will.i.am," whoever that is.

[H/T: Viral Viral Videos]

Ever wondered why Vint Cerf even bothered inventing the Internet? Small dads.

"My newest hobby has been taking peoples family photos and shrinking their dads in half," wrote Redditor afdlips.

Naturally, his fellow Redditors recognized the reason for the Internet when they saw it, and OP was soon swamped with requests from offspring looking to utilize his small dadding skills.

He did have one request of his own, though: "Stop sending me "dad dicks". They are big and should stay that way."

And, in the end, a moral to impart as well: "If I can inspire at least one thing from small dadding, is that we all need to take more pics with our fathers."

Oh, and, "also. Hire me. I'm a professional photographer and I'll shop your dad down."

[H/T: Sad and Useless, images via Imgur]

After the massacre at Sandy Hook elementary school last year, even the most devout religious people had cause to momentarily question their faith. Why would a loving god allow something so awful to happen? So, afterwards, Newtown, Connecticut held an interfaith service at which many different religions were represented. Now, the Lutheran guy is apologizing for attending.

If there's one thing that Jesus stood for, it was hatred and loathing of even appearing in public with the representatives of other false, hellbound religions. So it's no wonder that Lutheran pastor Rob Morris (whose church one of the victims attended) came under fire from other Lutherans after he participated in the interfaith service. He had shamefully allowed a little massacre of children to lure him away from Christianity's founding principles of disunity and condemnation of The Other. For that, Morris has now apologized in an open letter:

With that in mind, some have expressed concern and in some cases public rebuke that my participation in the televised prayer vigil on Sunday night has hindered our ability to speak this Christian truth into a pluralistic culture. The fear is that by sharing the stage with false teachers, I have diminished the proclamation of the truth which is ours by grace through faith in Christ...

[We] do have a God-given responsibility to be on our guard against all kinds of false teaching. Prior to the events of 12/14, I had already spent hours with my own congregation, catechizing them as to the differences between our Lutheran understanding of Scriptural teaching, the various other denominations' teachings, and the teachings of false religions such as Islam or B'Hai. I had likewise spent time with my fellow clergy in Newtown clarifying the ways I can and cannot engage in events like joint clergy dialogues (which are good to engage in), joint caring efforts (only within limits), and joint worship (not possible). To my fellow brothers who are serving in the office of public ministry, I encourage you to do these same tasks in your churches and communities. It is not comfortable, but it is necessary. To my brothers and sisters who are laypeople in the church, I ask you to encourage and pray for your pastors as they do these difficult, but God-given tasks. Thus, to those who believe that I have endorsed false teaching, I assure you that was not my intent, and I give you my unreserved apologies...

I apologize where I have caused offense by pushing Christian freedom too far, and I request you charitably receive my apology.

Shame has rightfully been visited upon the head of pastor Rob Morris for his unChristian act of coming together with people different than himself. Jesus Christ himself would certainly be pleased with the grovelling regret displayed by Pastor Morris for his actions, which could have given the impression that Jesus' church has "love" for those of different faiths. Only through lengthy prayer to our heavenly father, Hateful Jesus, may he be redeemed.

[NYT. Photo: AP]

You know how sometimes the best way to deal with a ranting, screaming maniac is just to leave him alone until he exhausts himself? It's time for us to do that with Weather.com.

Yesterday afternoon, The Weather Channel whipped itself up into such a frenzy over the East Coast's upcoming snowstorm that its website exploded from the inside, vomiting maps, janky mountain graphics, and CAPSLOCKED WEATHER WARNINGS all over its homepage.

While presumably unplanned, this partial crash still helped fulfill the website's primary objective: to send everyone who visits it into a giant, totally unnecessary, frothy panic.

Check out this map that ran on the site yesterday:
"AWARE," it commands. "ACTION." "ALERT." This is a graphic that exists for no reason. What should you do if you're in the "ACTION" zone? Stay indoors? Evacuate? It is of no use to anyone.

Even on its best day, Weather.com is completely cracked out and insane; an Escher-esque labyrinth of autoplay videos, color-coded extreme weather warning banners, and hysterical pleas for cross-platform social media synchronization (LET WEATHER.COM ACCESS YOUR FACEBOOK NOWWWWWWW).

Here is a partial list list of some of the things you can do on Weather.com 365 days a year:

• Watch a countdown to the weekend (measured to the second)
• Watch a countdown to the end of the weekend (once the weekend begins)
• See a tally of the snow that has fallen in the past 24 hours, for all locations (Past 24 hour snow level in Mexico City: "N/A")
• Read a 5-day forecast
• Read a 10-day forecast (separate link)
• Read today's forecast (separate link)
• Read the weather "right now" (separate link)
• Read a weekend forecast (separate link)
• Read a monthly forecast (separate link)
• Personalize your weather.com homepage with your own name (of eight characters or less)
• Receive weather alerts for cities where your friends live (with Facebook sync)
• See a list of weather keywords trending in your area (right now, in Brooklyn: "blizzard," "snow," "snowing")
• read a "Home & Garden" forecast ("WATERING NEEDS: Not Applicable," "FREEZE RISK: High")

And then there's the "Nemo" thing. At the start of this storm season, The Weather Channel announced it would be naming winter storms pretty much just to make it easier to scare people; "WINTER STORM DRACO IS COMING" sounds a lot more terrifying than "a cold front will bring 2 – 3 inches of snow on Thursday." The National Weather Service very huffily refuses to acknowledge these names, but #Nemo has already started trending on Twitter.

One of the brains behind the name list told The New York Times that "Nemo" was chosen primarily because it's a Latin word ("no one") and secondarily because Captain Nemo, from Verne's "Twenty Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea," was a charismatic, deranged madman ("a pretty tough, fierce guy").

In 2013, calling a storm "Nemo" and telling everyone it's not named after the clownfish who lost himself and found our love is like naming your son "Martin Luther King," and telling everyone he's named after Martin Luther King, Sr.

No more, Weather.com. No more from you.

Enter: AccuWeather. Where The Weather Channel is shrill, AccuWeather is chill.

At the time of yesterday's site-wide freak, these were the six scrolling stories on Weather.com's homepage: "HISTORIC, EXTREME SNOW"; "YOU MUST PREPARE NOW"; "HOW MUCH WILL YOU GET"; "HISTORIC SNOW TOTALS"; FLOOD THREAT AHEAD"; "SNOW DROUGHT MAY END"

Meanwhile, what was AccuWeather talking about?

"Blizzard: One of the Most Commonly Confused Weather Terms."

(To be fair, AccuWeather also had a couple panicky headlines like "Crushing Blizzard to Pile Two Feet on Boston." Mostly, though, it's been safety tips and meditations on the environmental impact of rock salt.)

If you don't want to support AccuWeather (they did try and fail to get a shady bill passed that would have privatized weather services except in emergencies—nice one, jerks), try your local news station.

Maybe even bite the bullet and visit NOAA.gov — the national weather website. It's sort of ugly, but 100% ad-free.

Have a better suggestion? Spread your gospel in the comments.

Image by Jim Cooke.