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Bodies of Two Murdered, Gang-Raped Girls in India to Be Exhumed

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Bodies of Two Murdered, Gang-Raped Girls in India to Be Exhumed

Police in the Uttar Pradesh state of India will exhume the bodies of two teenage girls who were raped and murdered by a group of men in their hometown in order to perform a "fresh autopsy," according reports in the Indian media.

The BBC reports that the 14-year-old and 16-year-old cousins will have their bodies exhumed despite reported confessions from three suspects. The girls were discovered hanging from a tree in Katra in the Badaun district of Uttar Pradesh the morning of May 28.

The case has been turned over to the CBI (India's Central Bureau of Investigation) from state police.

The case has created wide ripples in India, stirring protests from people who say police should have begun investigations sooner.

From the BBC:

The victims' families say it took police more than 12 hours to respond to reports they were missing because they are from a lower caste.

Divisions between India's castes run deep, and violence is often used by upper castes to instill fear in lower castes, correspondents say.

Although both the victim and the accused in the latest case belonged to a group known as "Other Backward Classes", the victims were lower in that hierarchy.

[Image via AP]


The NSA Isn't Spying on Enough People

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The NSA Isn't Spying on Enough People

That mysterious wait is over! At zero dark one last night, Glenn Greenwald's media venture The // Intercept posted the long-promised results of their ongoing investigation into which specific U.S. civilians were targeted by the NSA's most invasive surveillance programs.

All told, the story profiles five NSA-targeted Muslim-Americans — one a longtime GOP operative, two academics, a lawyer who has previously defended clients in terrorism-related cases, and the executive director of America's largest Muslim civil rights group:

The five Americans whose email accounts were monitored by the NSA and FBI have all led highly public, outwardly exemplary lives. All five vehemently deny any involvement in terrorism or espionage, and none advocates violent jihad or is known to have been implicated in any crime, despite years of intense scrutiny by the government and the press. Some have even climbed the ranks of the U.S. national security and foreign policy establishments.

The general impression left by the Intercept is that these surveillance programs have been perversely—almost exclusively—warped by statist overreach, and the decidedly Islamophobic racism of people like former FBI counter-terrorism official John Guandolo, who comes across like a paranoid racist fruit basket here. (And, seriously, fuck that guy. Like: Wow. You will be disgusted and amazed by the ignorant shit he is quoted as saying/believing in this piece.)

To hear Guandolo tell it, Faisal Gill, the former homeland security official under Bush, was "a major player in the Muslim Brotherhood in the United States." Asim Ghafoor, Gill's fellow attorney, is "a jihadi" who was "directly linked to Al Qaeda guys" simply because of his representation of the Al Haramain Foundation. "He had knowledge of who they were and what they were doing," Guandolo says. (Such logic would subject every lawyer representing defendants accused of terrorism to government surveillance.) To Guandolo, Agha Saeed was yet another secret operative for the Muslim Brotherhood. "He's a pretty senior guy with them," Guandolo says, "affiliated with several groups." ("That's a big lie," Saeed says, "and given my life history, absurd" because he has "always been a leftist.")

The case of Asim Ghafoor (the lawyer) has received a reasonable amount of press coverage over time from the Washington Post, Wired, the Associated Press and others—much of it dutifully logged at places like History Commons where (let's say certain kinds of) people like to go to collaboratively try and figure out what the hell is going on, post-9/11.

As the Intercept piece makes clear, one reason why Ghafoor was targeted was his representation of a now-defunct Saudi Arabian charity, based in Oregon, Al Haramain Islamic Foundation, "at a time when it was under so many terrorism investigations." (In 2011, the 9th Circuit U.S Court of Appeals ruled that the Treasury Department was correct in finding Al Haramain connected to terrorism.)

Ghafoor has no doubts that he was placed under government surveillance because of his name, his religion, and his legal work. When he would go to court to represent Saudi interests, he points out, "there were over 40 lawyers from every blue-chip law firm in D.C. representing the Saudi government, Saudi princes—I'm not the only lawyer representing a foreign government.

"There were former Bush Administration officials representing Saudi entities, and I doubt their emails were tapped," he continues. "And if they were, at some point some official would've said, 'Why are we tapping [former Bush Justice Department official] Viet Dinh?' I'd be shocked if they were tapping Viet Dinh. But Asim Ghafoor—'Oh, well he's Muslim.'"

Just thinking out loud, but maybe part of the problem in this instance is that they really should have tapped Viet Dinh? Frankly, fuck it: they should have tapped all of those former Bush Administration officials and their Saudi clients.

Former Senator Bob Graham, the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee during its difficult and incomplete inquiry into the 9/11 attacks, has devoted the better part of his retirement to criticizing the government for continuing to classify 28 pages of their report pertaining to Saudi involvement in the attacks. Teasing out the knowable details of this involvement, and how it reflects on the Bush family's longstanding special relationship with the Saudi royal family, was something of the driving force in Anthony Summers and Robbyn Swan's Pulitzer Finalist history of 9/11, The Eleventh Day. It is a genuine unsolved mystery.

So—in addition to the statist overreach and the Islamophobia—isn't it perhaps, arguably, equally true that some honest men and women in law enforcement and the intelligence agencies have also had their hands tied when it comes to which actors in these terrorist networks they're allowed to target? Perhaps these restrictions are due to some pretty basic facts about our political culture, like namely that wealth, and power, and privilege are not very evenly distributed?

It is a difficult pair of opinions to hold, but perhaps the NSA's massive, dubiously legal surveillance program is at once way too invasive into the lives of some people, and simultaneously not invasive enough into the lives of others.

I'm specifically talking about former President George W. Bush and the former director general of Saudi intelligence, Prince Bandar. The NSA should be spying on them, their acquaintances, and their families, day and night, until we get to the bottom of this.

[photo of NSA domestic target Asim Ghafoor with President George W. Bush and Hillary Clinton via The Intercept, courtesy of Ghafoor]

On Business Insider, Humans Have Reached the Reading Level of Machines

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On Business Insider, Humans Have Reached the Reading Level of Machines

Here is a story from Business Insider about the rise of algorithmically generated written content. It appears under an ostensibly human byline, that of a "Dylan Love":

Earlier this week we reported on Narrative Science, an artificial intelligence company whose product, Quill, can turn tables of data into a natural language story that you can read as if it were a newspaper article.

...

Here's a sample report, in which Quill helps tell the story of a bested baseball team called the Manalapan Braves Red. Check out how naturally it reads, then know that it was all software that ordered and arranged these words, not a human.

Then the ostensibly human content-producer for Business Insider, following his own production algorithms, pastes the content of the "natural language story" that has been provided:

Cole Benner did all he could to give Hamilton A's-Forcini a boost, but it wasn't enough to get past the Manalapan Braves Red, as Hamilton A's-Forcini lost 10-5 in six innings at Pecci two on Saturday.

Benner had a good game at the plate for Hamilton A's-Forcini. Benner went 2-3, drove in one and scored one run. Benner singled in the third inning and doubled in the fifth inning.

The Manalapan Braves Red's Gargano was perfect at the dish, going 1-1. Gargano singled in the first inning.

The Manalapan Braves Red tacked on another four runs in the second. The inning got off to a hot start when Bullen singled, bringing home Cappola. That was followed up by that scored Pellecchia.

Is this not a persuasive rendition of human language? "Perfect at the dish, going 1-1." No human could dispute that a baseball hitter who has one at-bat and gets one hit has performed perfectly "at the dish." He is "batting 1.000." Perfection is noteworthy, and it has been noted.

We are aware that human language processing is able to make inductive leaps that are not always clear to machines. A machine, confronting the narrative message that an "inning got off to a hot start when Bullen singled, bringing home Cappola," might struggle to reconcile the information that Bullen (Person 1) was hitting at the start of the inning with the information that Cappola (Person 0?) was already on the bases ahead of him.

But the ostensible human "Dylan Love" sees no problem with that narrative. Nor does he demand formal semantic completion in the sentence "That was followed up by that scored Pellecchia." The text-generating machine was good enough at to convince Business Insider.

"If You Don't Think Robots Can Replace Journalists, Check Out This Article Written By A Computer," the headline says. This refers to the quoted text from the Quill software, not to the surrounding article written by ostensible human "Dylan Love." Either way, human readers and writers appear more ready to be replaced by machines than we had expected.

Sheriff: These Are the Stoners Who Stole Froot Loops From a School

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Sheriff: These Are the Stoners Who Stole Froot Loops From a School

According to the Hernando County (Fla.) Sheriff's Office, 18-year-old Logan Brown (left, trying not to laugh) and 20-year-old Christopher Ramos smoked some weed last week and "decided to go on an adventure."

At around midnight on July 3, with Ramos in fatigues and a fishing hat and Brown in all black, they allegedly broke into a K-8 school in Spring Hill, Fla. Surveillance footage shows the two wandering through the halls and trying to open classroom doors.

Sheriff: These Are the Stoners Who Stole Froot Loops From a School

And what luck! Police say the first open room the pair found contained stoner treasure beyond imagining: Froot Loops! They're being charged with burglary for allegedly stealing the cereal, which is allegedly a great thing to eat when you're high.

Although it wouldn't be fair to stereotype these suspected adventurers, I imagine the the prosecutor's case will consist of silently holding up their mugshots until the judge says, "You've made your point."

[Photo: Hernando County Sheriff]

Glenn Beck Angers Conservatives by Being Humane to Immigrants

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Glenn Beck Angers Conservatives by Being Humane to Immigrants

Glenn Beck announced yesterday that he would personally help finance and deliver "tractor-trailers full of food, water, teddy bears and soccer balls" to the 60,000 underage undocumented immigrants detained at the U.S.-Mexico border. And some conservatives are going apeshit on him.

Beck made the announcement on his own radio show, dutifully transcribed on his website:

"Through no fault of their own, they are caught in political crossfire," Beck said of the children. "And while we continue to put pressure on Washington and change its course of lawlessness, we must also help. It is not either, or. It is both. We have to be active in the political game, and we must open our hearts."

In a moment of earnestness, showmanship, or possibly both, Beck conceded the move might be unpopular with conservatives, including some of his listeners and subscribers. He was right.

The anti-Beck backlash was stoked late Wednesday by Breitbart.com scribbler and grumpy tweeter John Nolte, who took a break from decrying liberal women to highlight his site's slanted coverage of Beck and diss the radio jock for lamenting that some conservatives lack compassion:

Unfortunately, Nolte's got to defend the indefensible—namely, his own root attitudes toward the influx of child immigrants:

Even less defensible were reactions among his site's commenters, who couldn't believe Beck would use even private funds to make a minor undocumented immigrant's life easier:

  • What a disgrace it right! Send every illegal back & stop the freebies! And once again Obama wants the taxpayers to pay for his screw-up!
  • If bums starting hanging out in your yard would you feed them?
  • Beck should be using his "pulpit" to argue strongly for immediate deportation and for focusing on the LAWLESSNESS of the Administration. One final point is....just like with the Gov't Freebies given to these illegals....and the Tacit Amnesty that Obama is promising with a Dream-Act like Executive Order.....Beck's stunt just serves to ENCOURAGE MORE illegals to come....which is ultimately Destructive to these many children.

Reaction from right-wingers on Twitter was divided, but compassionless conservatism was distressingly easy to find there, too—like Republican Ohio Rep. Andrew Brenner:

For all that, Brenner was more charitable than the conservative rank and file:

Weirdly, some of the most classless and combative right-wing personalities on Twitter did get what Beck was doing, like Chris Loesch:

Nolte, on the other hand, is a lost cause.

[Photo credit: AP Images]

"The Truth of the Matter Is Walmart Is a Horrible Place to Work"

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"The Truth of the Matter Is Walmart Is a Horrible Place to Work"

Boxlike megastore Walmart is reaping a good deal of positive PR today after a gaudy event showcasing the company's intentions to spend more money on American-made products. We'd like to take this opportunity to remind you what kind of employer Walmart is.

It's one of the world's biggest employers. It's also one of most stringently anti-union employers you'll find in this country. Walmart is a company that is singularly committed to making the most common American job as unrewarding as possible.

Having published many behind-the-scenes stories by and about the unfortunate employees of Walmart, we continue to receive emails from Walmart workers to this very day. Today, as the company is ostentatiously touting its patriotism, we bring you a couple of thoughts from those who have actually worked there. First, from someone who has worked as a stocker at Walmart for nearly a decade:

I lived in a small isolated community where everyone knew each other. When you work at a store in a community like that there is no chance at moving up if your an outsider. Everyone was family in this store, even if it was by their third cousin twice removed they had some connection with each other giving the store a cult like mentality. Bottom level management and upper management in this store seemed to be all in it together as they enforced task manager coaching anyone who was a second over their stocking time. I had a manager who stood at the end of the aisles of the people he didn't like time them with a stop watch and if they didn't throw a case a minute he would pull them in the office and write them up. I didn't matter if you were a csm, support, or an assistant in this store if you had a management title to your name it meant that you didn't have to do any work whatsoever. They would come up excuses for their lack of productivity on an already short handed skeleton crew by saying that they would get coached if they touched freight or zoned, yet in the other breath they paced up and down the action alleys hazing and harassing the associates who were working with their daunting task times. I had often compared this store to bootcamp. Management would yell and scream obscenity after obscenity at their associates taunting them with the possible coaching if they didn't get finished task hours before the stock time was up. This place sucked, no one was allowed to talk to one another even if it was work related...

The truth of the matter is Walmart is a horrible place to work. These experiences happen to everyone who work for this company on a store level. It doesn't matter if your management or an associate you are always going to have to deal with these types of situations because life like this is the true Walmart culture. The managers who harass you are most likely in the same situations as you regarding the verbal and psychological abuse that they are forced to swallow on a daily basis and you can't blame them for wanting to dish it out even worse to someone else. Most of them were associates before they moved up and you can't tell me at some point in their Walmart career that they didn't suffer at the hands of some relentless asshole. It's a vicious cycle and it's going to take everyone to stop it. There is to much stress involved with this dead end job and the people who run this company need to learn how to let up. They don't make it easy on us with their selfish attempts to raise their bonuses by cutting hours and demanding more work out of the already on edge associates in the stores that are only half staffed. This company is at the end of it's reign. Stores don't run smoothly anymore because any of the talent they had is long gone due to termination or quitting. All they're left with now is a newer generation of people who simply don't care about anything. The bar is dropping at an alarming speed and I can't wait to see what happens when it hits the ground.

And a tip for employees from a former Walmart department manager:

My comment comes in the form of a warning to current Wal-Mart employees. Along with the "productivity" issue used to terminate people and deny them unemployment rights, management seems to have a new weapon in their arsenal in the form of "Gross Misconduct/Ethics". They pull this out like a cheap pistol and use it for any reason you can imagine to circumvent federal labor laws. Once a statement is written and approved by store management, you are terminated with no recourse. Don't believe the "open door" policy will do you any good. It's a farce. You will be left to fight through the state unemployment insurance system to prove your case. Wal-Mart did that to me, but because I saw it coming and documented everything that happened between myself and management over a period of months, I was successfully able to appeal my denial of benefits and vindicate myself.

The point I would like to make is if you feel threatened or that you are being treated unfairly, write everything down. Names, dates, events and conversations. Record it all and keep copies of everything. Secondly, don't tell anyone what you are doing. You will be your own worst enemy. There are always those who will talk to management behind your back.

A great American employer. God bless the Walton family.

[Photo: AP]

Nathan For You's Sci-Fi Masterpiece and Other Great Shows Within Shows

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Last night on Nathan For You, Nathan Fielder narrowly avoided fraud charges for telling customers in a Hollywood souvenir shop they would be extras in a Johnny Depp movie called The Web by actually slapping said movie together. (Sneak peek: ya boy Johnny hacks an asteroid.)

Despite only actually featuring a chopless Johnny Depp impersonator, it's still the best Johnny Depp movie in a decade. There's a Bill Gates impersonator who may or may not have ever used a computer, a flute love theme fit for a Ketchup-Bot, really fast hacking, and a lot of footage of tourists buying souvenirs. It's magic.

The Web's scrappy indie spirit and obvious quality places it squarely among the exalted ranks of other slapdash "hey, let's make a movie!" films-within-TV shows, the 20-piece McNuggets of the televisual world. To celebrate, here's a li'l round-up of some of the luminaries of the genre:

Lethal Weapon 5 (It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia)

What the gang's contribution to the Lethal Weapon franchise lacks in budget, it makes up for in blackface, in that the quantity of blackface featured (way too much) way outstrips the budget (basically none). Thrill at stunt doubles needlessly sliding across the hood of a parked car! Chill at Charlie getting run over by a UPS truck! Writhe at Frank Reynolds in a The Room-esque sex scene somehow grosser than Tommy Wiseau's wriggling tubesteak body!

Threat Level Midnight (The Office)

The final cut of Michael Scott's magnum opus was an enormous late-game payoff: five seasons after the employees of Dunder Mifflin first discovered the unfinished pages of Agent Michael Scarn's mission to save the NHL All-Star Game, it was finally brought to the big screen, filtered through the small screen. 11 years in the making and rife with typos, Threat Level Midnight had all the ice skating action audiences didn't know they were begging for, cut with some truly luscious shots of Toby Flenderson's head exploding (move over, Terrence Malick!). Worth the wait.

The Film Festival (Clone High)

Before becoming Hollywood's magic boys with their commercial half-court shots, Lord and Miller cut their film teeth with a trio of short films nestled into their animated teen clone one-season wonder, Clone High. You can see the seeds of 21 Jump Street's perfect bromance in Gandhi and George Washington Carver's Rush Hour riff Black And Tan, The Lego Movie's heroic journey in Abe Lincoln's stirring It Takes A Hero, and Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs' aching passion (I did not see Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs) in Joan of Arc's confession of love, The Truth Wears Sideburns (18:24). While everything else that's ever been canceled is getting brought back to life, Clone High remains the Uncle Ben of the TV world, and that's because we live on a trash planet in a void of death.

Single Female Lawyer (Futurama)

An inspiration to all of us, Single Female Lawyer lives in the city, has lots of sex, and don't need no man. Additionally, she has a varying number of eyes and is entirely beholden to the whims of her murderous alien audience, so she's also very relatable. Single Female Lawyer is a testament, a beacon, signifying for all time that women can have it all if they're just spunky yet vulnerable enough. Lean in, Single Female Lawyer! (I'm aware that Single Female Lawyer is technically a show-within-a-show, but as the series finale, it naturally has a certain cinematic sweep to it.)

Man Getting Hit By Football (The Simpsons)

Jesus wept.

[Videos via YouTube,Comedy Central]

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Deadspin Showing Attractive Fans On TV?


Fake Edward Snowden Infiltrates Hearts on Tinder

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Fake Edward Snowden Infiltrates Hearts on Tinder

Edward is a single, eligible guy, just looking for love on Tinder. He's handy with technology, enjoys traveling to exotic locales—he's in Moscow right now, actually—and he's got a great positive attitude. Is it any surprise that ladies on the dating site love him (whether they know who he is or not)?

"Lonely Ed" is actually redditor rosscohen23, who writes, "I set up a Tinder account for Edward Snowden, these are my favorite interactions with the matches so far."

Some of his matches recognized the joke and moved straight to trying to blow the former NSA contractor's, uh, whistle.

Fake Edward Snowden Infiltrates Hearts on Tinder

Fake Edward Snowden Infiltrates Hearts on Tinder

Others are obviously embedded operators playing coy to gain access to Snowden's secrets. (Or they just don't keep up with current events.)

Fake Edward Snowden Infiltrates Hearts on Tinder

Fake Edward Snowden Infiltrates Hearts on Tinder

But no matter what, "Edward" continues to take advanced security precautions to avoid giving away precious intel.

Fake Edward Snowden Infiltrates Hearts on Tinder

Although the Snowden account is funny, it could also have serious consequences for Tinder. If Lonely Ed leaks the secret "swipe right on everyone" technique to the press, the entire dating pool could be compromised.

[H/T Reddit]

Willow Smith Is Being Fed Systematic French Fries by the Government

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Willow Smith Is Being Fed Systematic French Fries by the Government

When Willow Smith isn't learning everything she needs to know about life by watching Forrest Gump and/or reading the stories of the universe on snakes' backs, she is tweeting about doing those things. And when the 13-year-old daughter of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith isn't tweeting about those things, she's yammering aloud similar riddles that would sound simply precious and a little amazing coming out of the mouth of a toddler or an old tortoise. Recently, Teen Vogue lent her an ear.

The result is an insane interview wrapped in an innocuous lifestyle piece profiling someone who doesn't have a movie out (on dropping out of the Annie remake: "To be honest, something inside me was just, like, Don't. I'm very connected with my intuition.") or any plans in the near future to release an album ("I have enough songs to make an album, but most of the songs I don't like...It's going to be something outlandish, something that nobody can imagine, something that comes from me and only me. Something we need right now."). Willow Smith just is, and she's fielding questions.

Or maybe she isn't.

Who knows. Only Willow Smith knows and Willow Smith is the only thing worth knowing.

Also worth knowing, though, is that her family, they love Cartier.

She adds, "My whole family, we love Cartier."

But don't hold her to that ;)

"My style is who I am all the time," she says, "and who I am always changes."

Willow Smith has political views, and access to government French fries.

"We all need to learn how to harmoniously live on this planet without frying it like those systematic French fries the government feeds us."

Willow Smith has better things to do than homework.

"Teacher: Why don't you have your homework? Me: Too busy learning about life."

Willow Smith has something to say, man.

"I just felt like people needed to hear what I had to say, man," Willow reveals. "I feel like I can really give people a different view on things."

If you haven't noticed so far, her Twitter is a treasure trove of different views on things.

This has been your periodic reminder that the Smith family is insane.

[Image via AP]

Farrah Abraham's Next Venture: Frozen Yogurt

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Farrah Abraham's Next Venture: Frozen Yogurt

Farrah Abraham, having conquered publishing, sex tapes, and reality television, has set her sights on the next frontier of entrepreneurism: selling frozen yogurt and other not-hot foods. She's opening Froco Fresh Frozen in Austin this fall. Its mascot, Coba ("the popping boba"), is terrifying:

Farrah Abraham's Next Venture: Frozen Yogurt

"It's my own concept. It's about having fresh and frozen cuisines and foods at this restaurant. It's very family friendly," Abraham told ("told?") the website Starcasm:

Before finalizing plans, Farrah ran the concept by "others in salons, playgrounds, stores, and just everywhere." When the feedback was a resounding "go for it," Farrah settled on the Froco idea.

Apparently, according to Froco website copy—ostensibly written by Abraham herself—that has since been replaced with dummy text, Greek yogurt will be slathered on everything. (No word if it's Fage.):

"The founder felt strongly compelled to include Greek yogurt in to as many of the food products at Froco as possible which are found in certain flavors of frozen yogurt and all the freshly made to go food items."

So why the Greek yogurt obsession? The site explains, "The founder after moving to Texas at the age of 22 right before the creation of Froco was told by her doctor to better her health with plain Greek yogurt. Being the foodie that the founder is, the founder put Greek yogurt in everything – sandwiches, pastas, salads, wraps, sushi, desserts and the founder was happy to taste better enhancement of flavors with the Greek yogurt in all the food options. The founder found the balance of taste, health, and quality and wanted to bring this to everyone's lifestyle all year round."

Froco will also be a lifestyle of sorts. "Poppin'," even:

"The Froco lifestyle is about spreading positivity and passion to others and always keepin it poppin," the site says. "Serving fresh and frozen food to keep us healthy, smart and happy at all times."

And should you have the desire and spare cash, you can also buy your very own Froco franchise. Serious inquiries only. From Reality Tea:

There's more! For a cool $200,000, you can purchase your very own Froco from Farrah! "You may have thought 'I wanted to open my Froco like yesterday!' So if your that serious and sure about the great passionate and positive feelings inside about Froco let's get it poppin!"

However, if you want to buy into Farrah's franchise, you must be serious and live up to her high expectations. "Froco is committed to growing the lifestyle with a no nonsense attitude, we help you achieve success rapidly; we will not be like other franchise processes as we were found on better expectations. This is not about franchising this is about a lifestyle."

[Image via Getty // Instagram]

​Wednesday Night TV Is Looking for a Fight

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​Wednesday Night TV Is Looking for a Fight

Tonight we've got 20 people who are pretty sure they can dance (including two who'll find that confidence shaken), pregnant astronaut ladies, pugilism at a premium, and Morgan Freeman acting up some more.

At 8/7c. you've got a nerve-wracking POV on Big Brother, It's Top 20 (and two eliminated) on So You Think You Can Dance, and if you are not feeling like enjoying yourself there is a 90-minute special on The CW called The iheartradio Ultimate Pool Party, which is such an off-putting collection of words it could just as well be called The Ultimate Swing-Dance Scream Fisting.

At 9/8c. obviously the only thing on is Extant starring Halle Berry as Charlize Theron and Johnny Depp in The Astronaut's Wife. Just kidding, it looks super awesome. I am a sucker for a robot kid. There's also Suits, and Pay Per View boxing if you like to watch it from your couch like some kind of pussy instead of getting in the ring yourself.

At 10/9c. The Bridge returns for a new season, and Catfish finishes its current one. Some feel-good television at 10/9c. There's also my favorite show every week that I have never seen, Through The Wormhole With Morgan Freeman, which this week asks, "Will We Become God?" I hope the answer is yes ("yes, obviously") but I'm not puttin' money on it.

The things that Morgan Freeman worries about once he's on the other side of that wormhole, just. Man. Never stop learning, you know? Never stop asking questions. It's just like how Matthew McConaughey will never be as good of an actor as Matthew McConaughey: Maybe a wormhole would help.

At 11/10c. I guess Leah Remini and Steve Guttenberg are going to be on Watch What Happens: Live. They both seem seasoned, sane individuals. They've both escaped cults, from what I understand, so that should break the ice.

What I would like What Happens: Live to be is, Leah Remini and Steve Guttenberg help Andy Cohen hose down the place because last night Nicole Richie and Rachel Maddow wrecked shop. Taking body shots off the stripper bartender, pulling those fake books down off the shelves, putting their bras and glasses on that poor turtle. I bet Maddow can cut loose.

[Image via CBS]

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Man Gets Five Years Probation for Stealing $460,000 in Quarters

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Man Gets Five Years Probation for Stealing $460,000 in Quarters

Thomas Rica, a former public works inspector for the city of Ridgewood, NJ, was sentenced to five years probation after he stole $460,000 worth of quarters taken from parking meters. He stole the quarters over the course of two years from a storage room, and pled guilty to four counts of theft as part of a plea deal.

"I am sorry for what I have done," Rica told Judge Patrick Roma. "I am very sorry. I'm...I'm just sorry." As part of his plea deal, Rica will only have to pay back part of what he stole (his lawyer came with a check for $64,337.55 today, his down payment). From CBS New York:

Under the plea deal, Rica will pay back a little more than half of what he admits he stole. Some critics have said Rica should have received some prison time and paid back all the money he stole, but Bergen County prosecutors have defended the deal given to Rica.

Assistant County Prosecutor Daniel Keitel told the newspaper that the deal took months to negotiate and will "get as much of the money back to the public as quickly as possible." Had the state tried Rica for second-degree theft, Keitel said he may have faced five years behind bars, but would not have been legally bound to return any of the stolen money.

According to the Record, Rica would tamper with the security camera in the storage room holding the coins so that he was never caught on camera lifting the quarters. And by spreading the money he was stealing across multiple bank accounts, Assistant Bergen County Prosecutor Daniel Keitel says, he was able to obscure exactly how much he stole.

"It was very difficult to determine the amount of the theft," Keitel admitted, explaining investigators using both bank records and Rica's own admissions "established an exact amount that we think is accurate."

"I am not enthusiastic about an arrangement of this nature," Judge Roma said, "but I understand the details that go into it. A lot of time has gone into this, and five years is a long time to be on probation."

[Image via The Record]

Adams County District Court Judge C.

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Adams County District Court Judge C. Scott Crabtree ruled that Colorado's ban on gay marriage—voted on and approved in 2006—unconstitutional Wednesday. The judge issued a stay on his ruling pending appeals. He also ruled that same-sex marriages performed outside of the state should be recognized.

Four Children, Two Others Dead in Houston Suburb Shooting

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Four Children, Two Others Dead in Houston Suburb Shooting

Six people, including four children, were shot and killed Wednesday afternoon in Spring, Texas, north of Houston. After a chase, police have cornered the shooter in a neighborhood cul de sac. According to police, the shooting occurred as part of a domestic dispute.

From the Houston Chronicle:

Harris County Precinct 4 Assistant Chief Deputy Mark Herman said three children and two adults died at the scene of the shooting at a home in the 700 block of Leaflet Lane. Another child died after being airlifted to Memorial Hermann Hospital, and the condition of an adult also flown to the hospital was not known.

Herman said that authorities responded to a report of a shooting at about 6 p.m., where they found a woman and child who had both been shot in the head.

Update, 10:09 p.m.: Police have confirmed to the Associated Press that four children, not five, have been reported dead.

[Image via KHOU]


TechCrunch Rolls Over For Tinder CEO Sean Rad

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TechCrunch Rolls Over For Tinder CEO Sean Rad

Tinder's sexual harassment lawsuit hasn't even gone to trial yet, but TechCrunch already thinks it's a bunch of bullshit. Earlier today, tech's favorite mouthpiece published an investigation into Whitney Wolfe's lawsuit that was highly sympathetic towards her former employer. An hour later, TechCrunch announced Tinder CEO Sean Rad would be speaking at their conference in September. Hmm.

The article on the former Tinder VP of Marketing's allegations relied almost exclusively on anonymous quotes—largely from inside the startup itself. It paints Wolfe as an opportunistic, scandalous, cheating, dishonest, dramatic, sex-crazied, and generally problematic woman. The whole thing reads like it could have been ghostwritten by Tinder's defense team.

TechCrunch goes beyond simple victim blaming. They (and their sources) work to portray Wolfe as the stereotypical Crazy Bitch Ex-Girlfriend. For example, when discussing the breakup between Wolfe and former Tinder CMO Justin Mateen—the latter being Wolfe's ex-boyfriend, ex-boss, and object of many of her sexual harassment complaints—TechCrunch depicts her as thoroughly unstable.

According to one friend, Whitney said over text messages that she loved Justin and couldn't stop thinking about him. This was also in December. [...]

Between February and late March, the status of the relationship between Whitney and Justin was still slightly unclear. One employee remembers an instance in which Whitney approached Justin in a very heated manner and began discussing personal issues in the office.

"Justin kept telling her not to do this in the office, but she wouldn't let up," said the employee. "Eventually, Alexa Mateen stood up and told Whitney to not to discuss personal drama in the office. Whitney told her that if she ever got involved again, she would kill her."

Despite the abundance of pro-Tinder sources, TechCrunch doesn't bother to get her side of the story. They even brush over the cache of harassing text messages sent to Wolfe—texts that clearly prove Mateen was threatening towards her.

Wolfe has also accused Sean Rad of stripping her co-founder title because she is a woman. There is plenty of evidence that she was a co-founder, including a text message from Rad assuring her she "still" was a co-founder. And yet TechCrunch makes sure we know that this was a just a temporary title.

When Whitney did interviews, she repeatedly asked Sean to let her go by "co-founder," claiming that the press would take her more seriously if she had that title, according to people in the office.

According to my sources, Sean and Whitney were incredibly close friends (after all, she was dating his best friend and they all worked together) and he did, in fact, give in a number of times.

"Sean knew she wasn't a founder… we all knew she wasn't a founder" one source said on the phone. "But he wanted to help her career, and he knew that having female representation in the press could only be a good thing for the company."

Either someone is a co-founder or not. This isn't a title CEOs loan out to employees as a form of career charity. TechCrunch knows this. But instead of being skeptical of anonymous Tinder sources minimizing Wolfe's role in the company, TechCrunch paraded around the accusations without any substantive counter-argument from Wolfe's side. The best TechCrunch could do was to suggest "the decision to let Whitney use the term co-founder in the press was probably a bad one."

This is beyond lazy. Here we have an industry blog, allegedly doing investigative reporting on sexual discrimination at a prominent startup, using that startups' star CEO to promote its conference. TechCrunch has an open line of communication with Tinder, spent hours interviewing their employees and friends, and scrawled out a one-sided hit piece.

Is this how tech encourages women to speak up about abuse?

To contact the author of this post, please email kevin@valleywag.com.

[Photo: TechCrunch]

Both Candidates Have Claimed Victory in Indonesia's Election

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Both Candidates Have Claimed Victory in Indonesia's Election

Both candidates in Indonesia's tight presidential election have claimed victory as votes continue to be counted in the country, which only became a democracy decades ago but is now the third-largest in the world.

According to the Associated Press, Jakarta Gov. Joko Widodo, citing "the three most reputable quick-count surveys," won the election with 52 percent of the vote. His opponent, Prabowo Subianto, a general in his late dictator father-in-law Suharto's army, claims that "other data" puts him ahead of Widodo:

The quick counts tally a representative sample of votes cast around the country and have accurately forecast the results of every Indonesian national election since 2004, including this past April's parliamentary polls. It will be around two weeks before votes are officially tallied and the results announced in Indonesia, a country of 240 million people and the world's most populous Muslim nation.

As reported by the Times of India, about 190 million people were expected to vote in Wednesday's election and that in the last few months of campaigning, Subianto has managed to eat away at Widodo's lead:

Just a couple of months ago, the election was considered firmly in favour of Widodo, who rose from humble beginnings to become the governor of Jakarta with a squeaky-clean political record.

But a late surge by Subianto has vastly improved his chances after he wooed legions of supporters with calls for nationalism despite allegations of widespread human rights abuses during his military career and his connection with Suharto — his former father-in-law.

Polling experts have predicted that the election's outcome will fall on undecided voters.

[Image via AP]

Donald Sterling Called His Wife a "Pig" Today in Court

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Donald Sterling Called His Wife a "Pig" Today in Court

At the end of the third day of the trail that will determine if Shelly Sterling had the right to sell the Los Angeles Clippers to Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer for $2 billion, her husband Donald screamed, "Get away from me, you pig!" as she walked past him to leave court.

Wednesday was the second day of testimony from Donald Sterling, who, according to the Los Angeles Times, yelled at opposing counsel, "Make no mistake today, I will never, ever, sell this team. Until I die, I will be suing the NBA."

Donald Sterling got into a number of heated exchanges during his testimony. From the Los Angeles Times:

Sterling and opposing attorney Bert Fields got into a heated exchange almost immediately when Fields asked Sterling if he was retired.

"I have five major corporations and I operate them," Sterling said. "How could I be retired?"

"Do you think a man that has 200 buildings in Los Angeles, Las Vegas, San Diego is retired? I'm not retired sir, got it?" he said. "Is that it, are you finished?"

Shelly Sterling testified last and said that she had contacted a doctor to assess her husband for Alzheimer's.

"He's been getting more forgetful. He's slurring his words. He's agitated a lot. He gets mad for no particular reason," she said. "He's just not the same person that he used to be."

Neurologist Meril Platzer, one of the two doctors called to the Sterling's home to check for Alzheimer's symptoms, also testified. Donald Sterling's lawyer worked to paint the doctor as a co-conspirator with Shelly. From USA Today:

The trial had resumed with Dr. Meril Platzer, who was back testifying after not coming to court Tuesday with her entire file of her examination of Donald Sterling in May. Gary Ruttenberg, one of Donald's attorneys, received the file Wednesday and took up more questioning of Platzer.

Ruttenberg grilled Platzer in his attempt to show that Platzer was, as Donald said in testimony Tuesday, a "hired gun" whose sole purpose was to assist Shelly and her lawyers in getting Donald certified as mentally incapacitated and removed as a co-trustee from the Sterling Family Trust. Judge Levanas repeatedly told Ruttenberg, "Let's move on."

And, indeed, Platzer was asked about her memory of a June 9 phone mail from Donald, a hostile message in which he threatened to sue her and called her "a horrible woman." Platzer testified, "I've been over that tape so many times, I don't even want to listen to it any more."

Platzer testified yesterday that Donald Sterling "probably" has Alzheimer's.http://gawker.com/former-microso...

[Image via AP]

Ema Hasanovic, five, leaves flowers on the coffin of her uncle at the Srebrenica Genocide Memorial i

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Ema Hasanovic, five, leaves flowers on the coffin of her uncle at the Srebrenica Genocide Memorial in Bosnia. Hundreds were in Sarajevo Wednesday to honor the victims of the Srebrenica killings 19 years ago. Photo by Amel Emric via AP.

Social Network With No Revenue or Assets Somehow Worth $4.75 Billion

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Social Network With No Revenue or Assets Somehow Worth $4.75 Billion

Perhaps CYNK is proof that we're in a tech bubble. Or maybe investors are getting taken for a ride. Either way, a Belize-based "social networking" startup that has no assets, no revenue, no members, and one employee has seen its value shoot up 27,066 percent in the last month.

The rising stock has put the company's market cap north of $4.75 billion—more than real (if not terrible) companies such as Groupon and Zynga. But no one has heard of CYNK. And for good reason: according to Business Insider, their "social network" is garbage and making no money.

The website associated with the company is introbiz.com. On introbiz.com, under the "About IntroBiz" section, it states that, "Thru our marketplace you may both buy and sell the ability to socially connect to individuals such as celebrities, business owners, and talented IT professionals."

This premise, as we understand it, is basically a Facebook-like social network where you would pay IntroBiz (or CYNK, or whoever), to connect you with someone else. [...]

According to data on Yahoo Finance, the company reported no revenue for any of its fiscal years ended on Dec. 31 2011, 2012, or 2013. This data also shows that the company's total operating loss for 2013 totaled $1.5 million.

Social Network With No Revenue or Assets Somehow Worth $4.75 Billion

Zero Hedge dug up CYNK's bleak 10-K statement. The company itself acknowledges they are losing money and warns of the potential of a "possibly closure of our busiess [sic]."

We have not yet commenced our full scale business operations and we have not yet realized any revenues.

We have minimal operating history upon which an evaluation of our future prospects can be made. Based upon current plans, we expect to incur operating losses in future periods as we incurred significant expenses associated with the initial startup of our business. Further, we cannot guarantee that we will be successful in realizing revenues or in achieving or sustaining positive cash flow at any time in the future. Any such failure could result in the possible closure of our busiess or force us to seek additional capital through loans or additional sales of our equity securities to continue business operations.

And yet Wall Street is juicing the stock to obscene levels.

It's not entirely clear what is happening. Seeking Alpha reports that paid stock promoters were pimping the stock in mid-June, which explains their initial jump in value. But what has happened since remains a mystery.

Is it a case of Wall Street tech hubris pumping up the value of a worthless company, 2000-style? Or is this just a genius stock scam? Bloomberg's Nick Summers isn't convinced it's either:

It's a penny stock with so little volume that a few trades can send its price skyrocketing, or plummeting. In theory, all its shares together, priced at its current $41, add up to a market value of $5 billion, more than a bunch of recognizable, legitimate companies. In practice, that means nothing: No one is actually going to fork over that much money and risk going broke if the entire operation proves to be a phantom.

Regardless, Marlon Luis Sanchez, CYNK's "president, CEO, CFO, chief accounting officer, secretary, treasurer, and director" is proving to be one of tech's most effective do-nothing founders.

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