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Reminder: There Are Still Some Things That Don't Suck

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Between this morning's tragic mass shooting in Webster, the news that thousands have hijacked a federal petitioning system in order to demand the deportation of a journalist exercising his right to free speech on the subject of gun control, and the death of a surfer who selflessly rescued six of his neighbors from certain doom during Hurricane Sandy, it's easy to forget that not everything sucks.

Hopefully, this video of a Scooby the Great Dane trying to cuddle with Baby Cade will serve as a valuable reminder that, as bad as things may seem, at least they're not as bad as they would be if we didn't have cute videos to remind us that not everything sucks.

[Reddit]


"Your Coworkers Complained About Your Flatulence": Federal Employee Formally Recognized for His Farting Skills

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"Your Coworkers Complained About Your Flatulence": Federal Employee Formally Recognized for His Farting Skills

What were you doing on Thursday, November 8 at 2:29pm? Checking Facebook? Answering e-mails? Some awesome dude in Maryland was busy farting.

A 38-year-old professional flatulist has been working undercover as a disability claims authorizer in the Baltimore office of the Social Security Administration. That's the only plausible explanation for this bureaucratic paper trail discovered by the Smoking Gun, a formal letter documenting the dates and times of every instance an unidentified civil-service employee "disrupted the work floor by passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor," compiled by his obviously envious coworkers.

Over the course of three months, there were 60 incidents recorded total—and that was just when other people noticed.

What's more astounding is that this wasn't the first time the union member had been recognized for his superpower. According to the document, the local Deputy Division Director had not only broached the subject of "your bodily gas and the terrible smell that comes with the gas" during a performance review earlier in the spring, but another manager spoke to him about it two months later. From the letter:

"Your Coworkers Complained About Your Flatulence": Federal Employee Formally Recognized for His Farting Skills

Then in August, the employee promised to "purchase the medicine called Gas-X," but evidently couldn't submit to his personal Kryptonite for very long: he spent September 13 (eight documented instances), September 19 (nine), and November 8 (10:52 am, 11:00 am, 12:41pm, 2:29pm, 2:49pm, 4:12pm, 4:22pm) totally showing off.

Don't be fooled into thinking the man can't help himself—the Smoking Gun has a blurred-face photo allegedly of the man posed with Pepe Le Pew. To think, all this time, Le Pétomane's successor has been hiding in plain sight.

[The Smoking Gun via HuffPo Weird News; Shutterstock photo by David Castillo Dominici]

The Day We Became Cynical: How Did You Find Out Santa Isn't Real?

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The Day We Became Cynical: How Did You Find Out Santa Isn't Real?Every child eventually experiences that crushing day when he or she realizes that Santa Claus, that totally implausible overweight gift-giver, is (SPOILER) not real. For those of us who thrive on cynicism, it's almost difficult to remember a time when we could be so joyfully naive—it took us a few years to realize that everything is horrible. Here, we've gathered our stories of the day our innocence died. Please share your own in the comments.

Rich Juzwiak:

From the time that you start understanding who Santa Claus is, everywhere you look are signs that he doesn't actually exist. The Castle Grayskull toy that I found under my parents bed when I was 4? Santa either dropped it off early or my mother got it for him to give me – after all, he didn't actually know me. The kids on my bus who told me there was no Santa Claus? They were no authorities – they were fellow kids. My father confirming it? He was just being mean.

I didn't believe anyone until I heard Phoebe Cates' extremely weird, extremely dark monologue in Gremlins about her father dressing up as Santa Claus, slipping, breaking his neck and getting stuck in his family's chimney for days. Maybe it was the morbidity, maybe it was her delivery, maybe it was the fact that I was so entranced by that movie about impossibly cute, music-playing, English-understanding, upright guinea pigs with Persian cat eyes little munchkins that turned into havoc-wreaking monsters, that I was willing to accept anything it threw at me. When Cates ended her monologue with, "And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus," that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus.

Drew Magary:

I was rifling through a drawer in the kitchen when I stumbled on an old note I wrote to Santa. My mom had thrown it in there late one Christmas Eve and then forgotten all about it. And when I saw the note, I was devastated. And I wasn't young, either. I think I was, like, ten. I showed the letter to my older sister because I was so scandalized and she was like, "Yeah, no shit, you moron." BUT HE WAS STILL REAL TO ME, DAMMIT.

Emma Carmichael:

By the time I was in the fifth grade, I really wanted to continue believing in Santa, even though most of my friends had let the magic die by then. My teacher at the time, a wonderful woman named Mrs. Kurty, was facing a growing faction of cynical 11-year-olds. She sat us down that December and had us debate whether or not Santa was real. "If Santa is real," I said at some point during the discussion, "then why do kids who have more money get more presents?" The room went silent and there were lots of grave nods. It was Deep. It was A Moment. Soon after that I remember demanding my father tell me the truth, and then sobbing.

The Day We Became Cynical: How Did You Find Out Santa Isn't Real?My younger brother Joe was more creative about it. He looked in the title page for The Polar Express (greatest kids' Christmas book ever, for the record) at about age 9 and saw "Santa Claus — Fiction." The Library of Congress is evil.

Neetzan Zimmerman:

One day, while celebrating Hanukkah in my home in Israel, I asked my Jewish parents if Santa was real and they said no.

Max Read:

In retrospect I think the first seeds of doubt were planted in my mind when my parents told me that Santa Claus would probably prefer we leave him some beer, rather than milk and cookies. This didn't, exactly, not make sense — Santa Claus is an adult, and adults, I knew, drank Rolling Rock — but it also maybe indicated to me, age five or so, that there was a real Santa Claus, a beer-drinking Santa Claus, who was different from the fake Santa Claus portrayed in rhyming poems and Coca Cola commercials. My guess is that the rest of it fell into place over the next year. I wasn't really sad, though; in fact, I have the sense that I didn't let my parents know I was on to them for at least a couple Christmases after that because I didn't want to make them feel bad — though looking back they clearly weren't that concerned with keeping Santa's non-existence secret.

Mobutu Sese Seko:

I was embarrassingly old. Not into double-digits, but at least a good 18 months past the point where everyone else on the playground had concurred that Santa was a bunch of hooey. I remember balling my fists at my sides and stomping my foot and shouting, "No! Santa is real!" with such certainty and zeal that finding out the truth was immediately mortifying. No plausible deniability. No gradually walking back that claim. At least I'd never claimed that Go-Bots were just as good as Transformers, like that one kid whose parents had gotten him the wrong thing for his birthday and who then spent half the school year deluding himself.

Eventually, my peers' collective insistence got to me. I went home welling with grief that Santa might not be real or that lousy kids could be screwing up the system by not believing in him. I demanded my mom tell me the truth, and she did, once she made sure that I really wanted to hear it. She showed the same helpful, responsible frankness a year later when I insisted on knowing what the hell sex is, and she related the details in both practical and scientific terms. It was light years more helpful than the "Life Management Skills" class I would later be obligated to take in high school, where a shallow, dim, Victoria Jackson-type teacher got around the mandatory curriculum by ignoring large parts and swapping detail with euphemism. "And then Jesus tells the stork, 'Let us take light to make a gift of love!' And the stork throws down his jar of Vlasic pickles, and he sez to Jesus, he sez..."

Funnily, it's the Big Santa Reveal that I think of whenever I get truly exasperated with religious fundamentalists. Faith doesn't bother me; I have too many ministers in the family, went to too many years of Episcopal school and have been immersed in the culture too long. But I remember the intensity of everything I felt—the physical anger that came over me that not only did other kids disbelieve but that they kept saying I looked stupid, because I couldn't cite anything to prove Santa was real. I remember feeling the chasm in my heart that Santa used to occupy and thinking these people had torn him out. In the span of minutes, I felt all those negative things that internet atheists sneeringly and humorlessly ascribe to the faithful. I felt bereft, mocked, embarrassed and under attack. I felt proud of myself for refusing to abandon Santa. And I felt pity, that the universes of all the people around me were that much smaller and dimmer. I try to remember these things whenever someone is telling me that Jesus would want to cut the Department of Education. In a way, I was once That Guy, and everything around me only made me want to be him even harder.

For the record, my mom tried to mitigate the heartache, because she's a good mom. She told me that Santa's still real if we keep him in our hearts. I know she was trying her best, but of course I'd heard that before, at practically every TV and movie funeral. If I had to keep Santa—or anything alive—with the strength of only my heart, the implication was pretty clear. Santa was dead.

Camille Dodero:

Me, age 5: "Is Santa real?"

My mother, a grown woman who still cries every time Santa Claus arrives at the Macy's Day Parade: "Do you really want to know?"

What I really wanted to know was if I was smarter than the other kids. So I said yes and she said no. Then I "accidentally" ruined it for my friends. I told Ann Pimental Mrs. Claus didn't make her life-sized rag doll, but some lady down the street. I told Jessica W. there was no Santa and made her cry. I told the class during story time about an imaginary world where there was no Santa, it was "just parents," because I wanted them to realize, later, that I was smarter. But surely all they came to realize was that I was a little asshole.

Robert Kessler:

Growing up half-Jewish at an Episcopalian school, I always had a secret. I was gay, but also I knew that Santa didn't exist - it's the second secret that's relevant today.

This was, for the beginning of my life, a burden I bore all on my own. At my parents' insistence I told no one, so as not to spoil their Christmases. This was, however, until I figured out how to use "The Secret" - not the book - to my advantage. There was a group of boys: they were popular, athletic and at the time I had no idea why, but I was quite infatuated with them.

They didn't care much for me, but they did like two things: the creek at the edge of the playground, and secrets. So on a grey December day, I lead these boys (boys who all grew up to join fraternities and my life made so much more sense) down to the creek to tell them Santa was a big old Christmas Tall Tale. They cried, and I comforted them all. I felt both guilty and self-satisfied for ruining their childhoods. But as I lent each a supportive shoulder I also felt a warm feeling, somewhere just below my stomach. It was something I'd never felt, and wouldn't understand, not until many years later.

Taylor Berman:

I couldn't remember how I learned Santa wasn't real, so I asked my mom this morning. "Jake Thompson," she said right away. Apparently, I was six or seven and minding my own business at an Easter egg hunt when Jake, who is a year older, pulled me aside and said, "You know the Easter Bunny and Santa aren't real, right?" I didn't but, according to my mom, I immediately went inside and asked her. My mom: "I didn't want to call him a liar, so I told you, 'There's a magical thing that goes on...', but you figured it out. And then you asked about the Tooth Fairy." So basically, Jake Thompson ruined my childhood.

My mom is still mad about it, by the way. In fact, she's ranting about it now, as I write. "Jake never had any magic in his life."

Leah Beckmann:

Like many children born under the sign of the menorah, I wanted to throw all my smelly latkes and sour cream in the trash and trade up for a cinnamon stick and politely frosted sugar cookies. My parents kept up the Santa facade so we wouldn't feel left out on a predominately gentile playground, and every Christmas we watched one million Christmas movies. By the time I was ten, literally all I wanted was for Tim Allen to give me a goblet of hot chocolate while I cruised in that gilded sleigh.

The Day We Became Cynical: How Did You Find Out Santa Isn't Real?It was in mid-swing on the monkey bars when Jessica Madden destroyed my life. She was a really cool mean girl and once she made me cry when she made fun of the penny loafers I was wearing (with an actual penny in each shoe, obviously). "Duh Santa Clause isn't real," she said. "Fuck youuuu, Jessica," is what I should have responded. But instead I focused all my energy on continuing to believe in the Tooth Fairy, which I did for at least another two years (which means while some girls were getting their first periods, I was writing letters to my mom about my teeth). This is a letter written from my sister way too late in the game.

Adrian Chen:

When I was seven I became suspicious that Santa wasn't real. I confronted my Mom angrily a couple weeks before Christmas. Mom denied everything. At least until I broke into a full tantrum. "You're right, Adrian," she said with a sigh. "Dad and I are Santa."

I was stunned. My accusation had been based on only a vague hunch—and a hunch I desperately wanted to be untrue. And now Mom had just confirmed it after a few minutes of me hounding her? But my wavering flame of belief was fanned by the tone of Mom's confession, which was the tone moms use when they are sick of arguing with their seven-year-olds and will say anything to make them go play Gameboy.
This tone confused me and I got angrier, to the point of tears.

"Are you REALLY Santa?"

"Yes, Adrian, your Dad and I are Santa." (In that same whatever-you want-dear tone.)

"But, mom, are you REALLY SANTA?"

After ten minutes of this, Mom flip-flopped again and said that she and Dad actually weren't Santa, and that, as her tone suggested, she'd confessed just to make me happy. Having stared into the terrifying abyss of Santa's nonexistence, I accepted this last point with relief. I had overplayed my hand and Mom had expertly called my bluff. I slinked off to play Gameboy.

Still, I had my hunch and I was determined to get to the bottom of it without letting Mom lead me down another psychologically fucked-up hall of mirrors. I needed empirical evidence, something solid to stand up to the adults I'd just learned were equipped with a sociopathic ability to lie when it came to Santa. I came up with a plan.

Christmas morning, we were at my grandparent's house. My sisters and I roamed the wrapping paper wreckage in the living room while my parents drank tea with my grandparents in the kitchen. I went into the kitchen and asked Mom if she could write a phrase on a piece of paper. I fed her a story about how I was playing a game with my sisters or something. What phrase should she write? Oh, just a random phrase like, say, "To Adrian: from Santa." She suspected nothing, wrote out the phrase, and I sprinted back into the living room to compare her handwriting with what was on my presents.

I was shocked. The handwriting was completely different. She hadn't wrapped my presents. Santa was real. The world was a place of wonder where anything was possible after all.

Of course, I didn't consider that the fact the presents weren't wrapped by Mom didn't mean they were necessarily prepared by Santa in his North Pole workshop and not some other non-magical being, like, maybe my dad in our basement. Mom did typically wrap all of the presents for my two sisters and me, but that particular year, she later told me, she'd been so burned out by the end that my Dad did the last batch, which happened to include my presents. So the handwriting didn't match, and I continued to believe.

The next year I found out Santa wasn't real. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I remember not caring too much.

How did your childhood end? And how are you preserving (or ruining) your child's innocence? Share with us below.

Photo: Getty.

'Do You Hear What I Hear?' Share Your Favorite Christmas Songs With Us

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'Do You Hear What I Hear?' Share Your Favorite Christmas Songs With Us Do you hear that? It's the triumphant wail of Mariah Carey, another $6 million in her bank account, after your Aunt Sheila's 16th playing of "All I Want for Christmas is You."

Christmas music. Some people love it, some hate it.

What is your favorite Christmas song? Are you a traditionalist? Or does Lady Gaga's irreverant anthem deck your halls? Share your YouTube and Spotify links to your favorite tinsel tunes in the comments below.

[Image via Shutterstock]

Midtown Manhattan Assassination Reportedly Retaliation for Fraudulent Cocaine Deal

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Midtown Manhattan Assassination Reportedly Retaliation for Fraudulent Cocaine Deal

According to DNAinfo.com's Murray Weiss, the brazen and mysterious daytime assassination of Los Angeles law student Brandon Woodard was the result of a massive drug deal gone wrong.

Sources in law enforcement said the killers were part of a Queens drug crew that paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for a large cocaine shipment from Mexico via a Los Angeles gang. When the product failed to arrive from the West Coast, the Queens-based gang lured Woodard, who was reportedly acting as a middleman or courier, into midtown Manhattan, where he was shot and killed in broad daylight by a still at large gunman.

The Los Angeles guys thought they were tough, and could f—- with the boys from New York," one source told "On The Inside."

"They screwed with the wrong people," the source said.

Those same sources say the case has now grown beyond a simple murder investigation.

"It is really not a homicide investigation," one source said. "It has become a major narcotics case involving a big operation and substantial money, perhaps millions of dollars."

The DEA is providing intelligence and resources to the NYPD about drug trafficking here and on the West Coast, and into possible connection reaching to drug distributors out of the nation of Jamaica, sources said.

And, a week after they identified the getaway car's driver, the NYPD is now close to identifying the shooter.

Of course, even with hundreds of thousands of dollars of missing drugs, revenge, murder, coastal rivalry, and a rapidly expanding investigation, this case still pales in comparison to All My Children star Tonya Pinkins's bizarre original theory about the killing.

[via Daily Intel]

Bad Last Minute Gift Idea: Counterfeit Botox

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Bad Last Minute Gift Idea: Counterfeit Botox

If you'd considered getting or giving "wrinkle treatment" as holiday gift, perhaps you should reconsider. Of course, there are many reasons why you should reconsider but here's the most urgent one: Last month, the FDA sent a letter to 350 doctors warning them that they may have received counterfeit or unsafe Botox from a Canadian supplier.

Canada Drugs, the company in question, has not been approved by the FDA and has been previously linked to unapproved and/or counterfeit cancer drugs. The company also ships products under the names Quality Specialty Products (QSP), A+ Health Supplies, QP Medical, Bridgewater Medical, or Clinical Care, so if your box of face poison happens to have one of those labels on it, throw that shit away.

Then again, CanadaDrugs.com says the company is the "#1 Trusted Online Pharmacy" with "prices you can smile about," although that presumes you're still able to move your face after injecting it with unsafe Botox.

[Image via AP]

Police in Newtown Won't Have to Work Christmas Day Due to Generosity of Neighboring Officers

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Police in Newtown Won't Have to Work Christmas Day Due to Generosity of Neighboring Officers

After a day full of mostly terrible events, including another mass shooting and the drowning of a hero, we were due for some good news and here it is: Thanks to the generosity of officers from across Connecticut, every police officer in Newtown will have Christmas day off.

There were rumors on Twitter over the weekend, but the Newtown Police Department confirmed the news in an interview with the Atlantic Wire on Monday.

"They've been actually non-stop with their aid. It's pretty amazing," said Newtown police spokesperson Sergeant Steve Santucci said of his fellow Connecticut officers. "And tomorrow, they'll be at our assistance so that Newtown [officers] can be home with their families."

Obviously, the tragedy took its toll on the town's police, especially the first responders. In an interview with CBS on Saturday, Chief Michael Kehoe and Capt. Joe Rios, two of the first police officers on the scene, described what they saw.

"You could see the carnage present," Kehoe said. "I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. I had no words. You feel a sense of guilt that you weren't there quick enough."

While Kehoe was inside, Captain Rios was outside, helping to evacuate the school. "I saw children leaving the building and I kept wanting more to come out," he said. "I walked in and it was horrific, the crime scene itself. To see the adults and children deceased in the classroom. It was hard to see what had happened."

So yes, it seems appropriate that Rios, Kehoe, and their fellow officers get the day off. And, adding to the holiday spirit of the gesture, all of the police volunteering to work the shift will donate their holiday and overtime pay to Newtown and Sandy Hook Elementary-related charities.

[Image via AP]

Come Join Us 'Round the Yule Log GIF


Drake Wants Royalties For That YOLO Hat (and That YOLO Shirt, Too)

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Drake Wants Royalties For That YOLO Hat (and That YOLO Shirt, Too) It's true — you only do live once, and in this lifetime, Drake wants a check for all that YOLO merchandise. The Canadian teardrop shed the holiday spirit on Christmas Eve in favor of a capitalist one, uploading two photos to Instagram of YOLO clothing and demanding that someone cut him a check. The photos were taken in a Walgreens and a Macy's, meaning that Drake is either a cheap and lazy Christmas shopper like the rest of us or he has a roving team of YOLO spies policing drug and department stores across the country (stop snitching!).

Noisey has the Instagram screenshots:

Drake Wants Royalties For That YOLO Hat (and That YOLO Shirt, Too) Drake Wants Royalties For That YOLO Hat (and That YOLO Shirt, Too)

It's unclear if Drake has a trademark for anything and/or everything YOLO or if he just expects people to send him checks when they print up clothing. Of course, he's not the only person in the United States looking to horde all the YOLO cash to himself — there are over 100 YOLO trademark applications either live or dead in the United States for everything from cologne to dog collars (perfect stocking stuffers, if you're running super late).

So maybe that's a good lesson for Drake. You only live once, and you only get one shot to copyright your iconic phrase before a pack of vultures sweep in and do it for you.

[via Noisey, image via Getty]

All These People Got Arrested on Christmas Eve

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All These People Got Arrested on Christmas Eve Christmas Eve is a time to be spent in the company of your loving family — unless like me, for instance, you're a Jew who lives halfway across the country and instead went to see "Lincoln" alone (wow, was that movie long!). Or if, say, you spent Christmas Eve in prison like all of these people.

  • Europe does not fuck around when it comes to insane arrests. Last night in Amsterdam, a British man broke into the airport there, stole a car and drove it down the runway before being arrested. Police say that the man was "headed to Britain," which makes plenty of sense but also no sense whatsoever. The lesson here is that nothing good can come of the phrase "last night in Amsterdam" unless it's appended to "we smoked a bunch of weed and ate food all night."
  • John Robert Stocki of Burlington, Mass. really likes robbing banks. He likes robbing banks so much that he was arrested on Christmas Eve for robbing a Brookline Bank on Dec. 20 while out on bail after being arrested for jacking a Bank of America in October. I guess everyone needs to find their passion.
  • Man, Davao City in the Philippines is run by some real fun-haters. Last night, 32 people were arrested for violating the city's firecracker ban, including 26 minors. This sounds like a complete waste of time from everyone's standpoint, from the people arrested to those that had to bail them out of jail to the cops working on Christmas Eve arresting people for shooting fireworks. Davao City, more like Davao... shitty, am I right? Anyway, don't move to there.
  • Donna Emerson and her daughter Valerie Emerson-Allen are the kinda family members you can count on — the ones who will bring you drugs in jail. The two were arrested in Pennsylvania last night after bringing Bradley Allen some Suboxone strips as he awaits transfer in the Allegany County jail. Allen is locked up for selling drugs and it appears that was his motive here — as a bonus, the two Emersons were charged with endangering the welfare of a child because they brought a 1-year old to the prison on the day that they slipped the Suboxone to Allen.
  • Well, Oscar Santos of Long Island is a horrible person with some rage issues. Santos was driving yesterday when he saw his ex-girlfriend walking with another man, so he did what any completely insane person would do: he backed his car up and ran them over. Once that was done, he then got out of the car and started kicking the other man. His ex was taken to the hospital for a broken ankle and the other guy sprained his knees. Santos is now in jail where he should probably stay for the rest of time.
  • Some people might frown on others for trying to rip-off a Walmart, but let's remember these four Walmart employees in Buffalo as folk heroes. They were running a scam where they would "under-scan" merchandise to let their friends slip out of the store with free stuff or they would activate gift cards and keep them while swapping them out with unactivated cards. Of course, trying to rip-off a Walmart or any huge store will eventually lead to a quick arrest, but oh well. Keep on fighting the good fight, you guys.
  • A couple in Melbourne was nabbed for stealing a shitzu puppy from a Pets Paradise on Dec. 16 which doesn't seem all that bad in the long run, especially for the puppy. It's name was Buddy but police re-named it Precious, and it spent Christmas Eve at the home of an officer while police figure out what to do with it. Beats a cage in a pet store!
  • In New England, William Eldred and Joseph Haywood didn't have enough money to buy beer, so they returned to a convenience store and robbed it while also shooting a customer in the chest with a pellet gun.

[via Google News, image via Shutterstock]

Cats and Dogs Opening Their Christmas Presents is the Cutest Thing of the Holiday Season

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Today isn't just human Christmas, you guys. It's also pet Christmas, where people wrap and give gifts to their pets despite the animals having literally no idea what's going on. Nonetheless, watching cats and dogs gnaw and tear at wrapping paper to uncover a gift is undeniably cute, so let's all warm our hearts by watching pets — like Mac the puggle, who just could not wait to get his reindeer chew toy in the video above — open their Christmas presents.

Ellie the pug got a box of Greenies!


Milo got some bones!

Jasper the Turkish cat also got some chew toys!

Major the Chocolate lab got two matching bones!

Dash got an admittedly bizarre looking chew toy!

Nadia got some chew toys, too!

Misty got... a hamster chew toy that makes noise?! Yay, Misty!

Chico got a zebra chew toy!

Rusty got a hippo chew toy (I think)!

Pepsi got an oinking pig chew toy!

Congrats to all the pets this Christmas! What a world, right?

[via YouTube]

Man Who Shot 4 Firefighters Said in Suicide Note That Killing People Was What He Liked Doing Best

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Man Who Shot 4 Firefighters Said in Suicide Note That Killing People Was What He Liked Doing Best William Spengler Jr. — the man in upstate New York who ambushed four firefighters yesterday, killing two — left a three-page suicide note including this line, made public by police:

"I still have to see how much of the neighborhood I can burn down and do what I like doing best: killing people."

Spengler, unfortunately, had experience killing people: earlier in his life, he had spent 17 years in jail for beating his grandmother to death. Police said that the note, which was described as "rambling," didn't reveal an explicit motive aside from a desire to "burn his neighborhood down" and murder as many people as possible.

Police also revealed that Spengler had a Bushmaster AR-15 in his possession (along with a revolver and shotgun ), which, of course, was the same gun used by Sandy Hook shooter Adam Lanza. There has not yet been any word from Bushmaster regarding the status of Spengler's man card.

On a related note, as an ex-con, Spengler could not legally posses any guns, so police plan on tracing those guns back to their source. I'm sure the results of how a convicted murderer got his hands on a rifle that he then used to kill two volunteer firefighters will lead to significant strengthening of gun la— alright, I can't even finish that sentence with a straight face.

[via NY Post]

Merry Christmas From the Feds, Who Can Still Read Your Emails Without a Warrant

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Merry Christmas From the Feds, Who Can Still Read Your Emails Without a Warrant It's no secret that the CIA and FBI can read your emails for any old reason they choose without having to clear it with anyone first (because you're a terrorist). That was on track to change with an amendment attached to an upcoming bill... before said amendment was quietly dropped from said bill.

The bill in question is the smoothy titled Video Privacy Protection Act Amendments Act of 2012, which requires video service providers like Netflix to allow you to opt out of having your information posted on places like your Facebook page. According to AllGov, an amendment that was attached to the bill that would've required the federal government to obtain a warrant before snooping around your inbox disappeared as the bill was passed.

The Senate was set to approve the video privacy bill along with the email amendment, which would have applied to a different law, the 1986 Electronic Communications Privacy Act. But then senators decided for reasons unknown to drop the amendment.

As it stands now, any email or other data stored on a third-party server (i.e. not your own computer) can be accessed by the feds as long as it's at least 180 days old. That's a rule that will become even more problematic and dangerous as companies continue to push customers to store data on cloud services.

Of course, the feds' ability to read your emails is probably not going to change anytime soon, either. This story isn't splashed across the front of any newspapers or leading any news broadcasts, and it's not winning or losing anyone any elections. On we go.

[via AllGov h/t @BuzzFeedAndrew, image via AP]

'Christmas Sucks': Spoiled Brats Whine About Their Free Gifts on Twitter

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'Christmas Sucks': Spoiled Brats Whine About Their Free Gifts on Twitter

While you were busy spending Christmas Day appreciating the fact that you were alive and well and had people in your life that loved enough about you to buy you anything, let alone something that cost hundreds of dollars, there were many less fortunate souls out there who could not appreciate being alive and well and loved because — you may want to sit down for this part — they got a different expensive gift than the one they wanted.

'Christmas Sucks': Spoiled Brats Whine About Their Free Gifts on Twitter

"Only got an iPad 2 god mum I wanted a fuckin iPhone 5 fuck sake," tweeted one such miserable child. Quelle horreur! What could be worse? Oh, that's right: Everything else.

"I didn't get an IPhone for Christmas time to roll up into a ball and die," under-reacted another of God's iPhone-less creatures.

No. Please. Don't.

Thanks (thanks?) to Twitter weirdo Jon "@fart" Hendren and the aptly named humor site Sad and Useless for the rest of these faith-in-humanity-devouring nuggets (see below).

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

'Christmas Sucks': Spoiled Brats Whine About Their Free Gifts on Twitter

Naughty Little Girl Shows Off Her Christmas Spirit in Best Santa Photo Ever

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Naughty Little Girl Shows Off Her Christmas Spirit in Best Santa Photo Ever

Some might argue that this is the best "photo with Santa" ever — and thousands of Facebook likes do make a strong case — but for my money, iconoclast wins over cutesy any day.

Okay, so she may just be showing off a boo boo, but we're all adults here, so let's just agree to pretend that she's giving Christmas the finger because too few things give us joy anymore and I'll be damned if I let crummy reality take this photo away from me.

[Reddit via The High Definite, photo via MWD Photography]


How a Former Congressman Staged a Literal Armed Coup of a Tea Party Group, With a Gun and Everything

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How a Former Congressman Staged a Literal Armed Coup of a Tea Party Group, With a Gun and EverythingIn September, Dick Armey, the former Republican House Majority Leader, wanted to re-assert control of FreedomWorks, the influential Tea Party political action group of which he was chair. So he did what any old, paranoid Republican would do: he brought a guy with a handgun in to fire everyone.

Armey had accused FreedomWorks' president, Matt Kibbe, of "improperly using FreedomWorks staff resources to produce a book," an accusation that, if true, would jeopardize its tax status as a nonprofit. And bizarrely, he thought the best way to address his concern was with the implied threat of firearm violence, according to The Washington Post's Amy Gardner:

The partnership came to a crashing end when Armey marched into FreedomWorks's office Sept. 4 with his wife, Susan, executive assistant Jean Campbell and the unidentified man with the gun at his waist - who promptly escorted Kibbe and Brandon out of the building.

"This was two weeks after there had been a shooting at the Family Research Council," said one junior staff member who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to talk to the media. "So when a man with a gun who didn't identify himself to me or other people on staff, and a woman I'd never seen before said there was an announcement, my first gut was, ‘Is FreedomWorks in danger?' It was bizarre.' "

"Bizarre" doesn't really even begin to describe Armey's Very Tea Party coup. Immediately after Kibbe was escorted from the building, Armey attempted to fire three employees, only to change his mind when they burst into tears. Armey's wife Susan "passed her husband notes that several employees assumed contained suggestions on what to say"; on a conference call, he demanded more support for Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin.

Ultimately Armey was paid to leave: Richard J. Stephenson, "a reclusive Illinois millionaire" who seems to have donated $12 million to FreedomWorks just before the election, is paying the former congressman a fuck-off fee of $400,000 a year for the next 20 years, and Kibbe has returned as president. The guy with the gun remains unidentified.

[WaPo]

Newspaper Publishes Names, Addresses of Local Gun Permit Holders; Some People Have a Problem with This

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Newspaper Publishes Names, Addresses of Local Gun Permit Holders; Some People Have a Problem with This

Doxxing has officially gone mainstream: The controversial practice of posting an individual's personal contact information in the name of public interest has been employed by a local New York daily to out area gun permit holders — much to the offense of many in conservative circles.

The Journal News — which serves the New York City-adjacent Lower Hudson Valley — used Freedom of Information Act requests to obtain the names and addresses of all Westchester and Rockland county residents who are currently in possession of a gun permit (the Putnam county request is still pending).

The paper then plugged those names into an interactive map and made the information available to all on their website.

"Anyone can find out the names and addresses of handgun owners in any county with a simple Freedom of Information Law request, and the state's top public records expert told the Journal News last week that he thinks the law does not bar the release of other details," reporter Dwight R. Worley wrote in an article prefacing the controversial map. "But officials in county clerk's offices in Westchester, Rockland and Putnam maintain the public does not have a right to see such things as the specific permits an individual has been issued, the types of handguns a person possesses or the number of guns he or she owns - whether one or a dozen."

The county clerk's office officials aren't alone: Many conservative voices have subsequently risen up against the piece and its ostensible rationale.

"Intimidation," exclaims a Breitbart headline. "I guess nobody could object to people putting the newspaper staff's addresses on the Web now, right?" Instapundit inquired, rhetorically.

Many of the Journal News's own readers also had issues with the "invasion of privacy."

"So should we start wearing yellow Stars of David so the general public can be aware of who we are??" asked one. "Do you fools realize that you also made a map for criminals to use to find homes to rob that have no guns in them to protect themselves?" asked another.

For its part, the paper stood by Worley's work, saying in a follow-up statement that it "felt sharing as much information as we could about gun ownership in our area was important in the aftermath of the Newtown shootings."

And, for what it's worth, an editor's note was added to the article disclosing Worley's weapon of choice: A Smith & Wesson 686 .357 Magnum permitted by the city of New York.

[map via LoHud.com]

Private Zuckerberg Family Moment Inadvertently Made Public Thanks to Facebook

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Private Zuckerberg Family Moment Inadvertently Made Public Thanks to Facebook

I guess this is what happens when you take shortcuts to privacy.

Randi Zuckerberg, older sibling to Facebook's head honcho and the social network's former marketing director, is the latest in an exhaustive line of users to have been burnt by Facebook's byzantine privacy settings.

A private family photo posted last night by Zuckerberg was made public by Twitter notable Callie Schweitzer, stoking Randi's ire.

Private Zuckerberg Family Moment Inadvertently Made Public Thanks to Facebook

"@randizuckerberg demonstrates her family's response to Poke #GAH," Schweitzer wrote.

"Not sure where you got this photo," Zuckerberg tweeted at Schweitzer. "I posted it only to friends on FB. You reposting it on Twitter is way uncool."

But Schweitzer wasn't to blame for the breach: "I'm just your subscriber and this was top of my newsfeed. Genuinely sorry but it came up in my feed and seemed public," she explained.

Zuckerberg soon put two and tagging together. "I think you saw it b/c you're friends w/my sister (tagged.)," she surmised.

Schweitzer nonetheless apologized for making the private moment public, noting that she would "hate" for the same to happen to her.

Zuckerberg accepted Schweitzer's apology, and, after a quick consultation with her younger brother, announced a sweeping overhaul to Facebook's obviously broken privacy settings.

Just kidding, she deleted the entire exchange and wrote this:

Digital etiquette: always ask permission before posting a friend's photo publicly. It's not about privacy settings, it's about human decency.

[photo via BuzzFeed, tweets via Forbes]

The 42 Biggest News Events of 2012, as Experienced through Dr. Ruth's Sex-Obsessed Twitter

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The 42 Biggest News Events of 2012, as Experienced through Dr. Ruth's Sex-Obsessed Twitter"I'll use any excuse to teach new positions & give advice," tweeted the popular sexpert and Holocaust survivor Dr. Ruth Westheimer earlier this year. And so it was: when she wasn't tweeting about queefs, the rhythm method, the amount of sperm in precum or encouraging men to paint their pensies to coordinate with the holidays, Westheimer twisted current events into excuses to espouse her pro-sex agenda. She writes like a fortune cookie, but at 84 she's never been as wacky or unmissable. Come, let's recount some of the biggest news stories of 2012 with some punny sex advice shoehorned in.

Obama delivered the State of the Union:

The Giants won the Super Bowl:

Linsanity happened:

There was a solar storm:

Apple announced its retina display:

The shooting of Trayvon Martin inspired lots of hoodie discourse:

There were tornadoes:

A meteorite hit Earth:

50 Shades of Grey came out:

Nora Ephron died:

TomKat split:

Yahoo! accounts were hacked:

There was a solar flare:

The Olympics happened:

Ice caps melted:

Ebola in Uganda:

We had a very hot July:

Shark Week started:

New pyramids were discovered:

West Nile came back:

Prince Harry experienced a nude pics scandal:

Dead fish turned up in Lake Erie:

A superstorm brewed:

FEMA prepared us for a zombie attack:

Britney Spears joined X Factor:

The soft drink debate heated up:

The iPhone was released:

Looper came out:

A presidential debate was held:

Frankenweenie came out:

The Hulk Hogan sex tape leaked:

Mitt Romney said "binders full of women":

Hurricane Sandy loomed:

Hurricane Sandy hit:

Channing Tatum was named Sexiest Man Alive:

The Mars Rover made a discovery:

Doomsday loomed:

The fungus in your cheese had weird sex:

The Newtown Massacre:

The world didn't end:

[Image via Getty]

David Gregory Is Under Police Investigation Over Illegal Gun Clip on Meet the Press

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Since there's virtually no actual crime in Washington, D.C., officers of the Washington Metropolitan Police Department have set their sights on NBC's resident silverfox/bad boy David Gregory.

Gregory's trouble with the law began on Dec. 23, when he interviewed the NRA's Wayne LaPierre on Meet the Press. In asking LaPierre about his controversial news conference wherein he suggested placing armed guard in every American school, but not doing anything about guns, Gregory asked, "So here's a magazine for ammunition that carries 30 bullets. Now isn't it possible that if we got rid of these, if we replaced them and said well, you can only have a magazine that carries five bullets or ten bullets, isn't it just possible that we could reduce the carnage in a situation like Newtown?"

Gregory was holding a 30-round magazine at the time (you can see it around the 9:50 mark in the video above). According to District of Columbia law, it is illegal to own something that holds more than 10 rounds at a time, even if it is not attached to a gun. While it isn't clear whether or not Gregory's magazine was real, it also isn't clear why Gregory would use a fake gun magazine as a prop.

Washington's Police Department tells CNN it is investigating Gregory for possible legal violations, since there are no other crimes to investigate. NBC did not respond to requests for comment.

[CNN]

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