But her dad says the allegations are false, and his daughter is being put up to the lawsuit by someone else.

That someone might be the Texas Center for Defense of Life, which filed the lawsuit on the 16-year-old's behalf.

In court documents they allege that the girl's parents have used verbal and physical threats to coerce the teen — identified as R.E.K. — into aborting her two-month-old fetus.

The girl's lawyers claim her mother even suggested slipping her daughter "an abortion pill through deception."

Further allegations include claims that the girl is being kept from school and had her phone and car taken away as punishment for not going through with the abortion.

"[The teen's father] stated he was going to take her to have an abortion and that the decision was his, end of story," the lawsuit says.

Texas law prohibits parents from forcing their child to undergo an abortion, even if that child is a minor.

R.E.K.'s lawyers want a court ruling on the teen's right to decide the fate of her pregnancy under federal constitutional law.

A judge has issued temporary restraining order preventing the parents from contacting the girl. The next hearing has been set for this Friday.

[photo via Shutterstock]

Buy a bunch of Febreze and start the clock: Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos will be making their Taco Bell debut on March 7th.

Today's announcement — made on Vine of all places — comes just two weeks after CEO Greg Creed first confirmed what many had already known in the heartburns.

After all, Taco Bell sold over 350 million units of the the nacho-cheese-flavored Doritos Locos Taco in 2012, so it was only a matter of time before they moved on to the flavor they should have started with.

And they're not quite done, either.

Rumor has it Taco Bell is already testing a chile-lime flavored Flamas Doritos shell at an undisclosed location. And Doritos is also poised to return the flavor (eh? eh??) by introducing a limited edition "Taco Bell" dorito this spring.

(Psst. Psssst. In New York and want to try a Cool Ranch sample before the horde? Ask for the blue bouquet.)

[photo via Taco Bell]

The New York Post is known for its always subtle, never offensive covers. Today is nothing new; the morning after President Obama's fifth State of the Union and Christopher Dorner's death, the most important story the Post had to tell was about some clothes designer John Galliano wore.

The story, full of the Post's classic puns ("who Jew kidding"), comes from a paparazzi image shot of the "provocative fashion pariah" as he was headed to Oscar de la Renta's design studio. The combination of his hair — fashioned into traditional sidelocks — the long coat and the hat is reminiscent of the garb worn by Hasidic Jews.

"Who is he mocking?" added Brooklyn Assemblyman Dov Hikind. "The way the socks look, the jacket, the peyos . . . My question is, who's he laughing at?

"If it was just anyone else, I wouldn't know what to say. But considering who this guy is, considering his background and what he's said in the past, let him explain it to all of us: Are you mocking us?"

To the Post's credit, Galliano has exhibited his fair share of anti-Semitism in the past. In 2011 he was found guilty of hate speech, fined $8,500 and fired from his job at Dior after he was caught on video proclaiming "I love Hitler" ahttp://nymag.com/thecut/2013/02/gallianos-outfit-accused-of-mocking-jews.htmlnd telling a woman "People like you would be dead. Your mothers, your forefathers, would all be fucking gassed" at a bar in Paris. It is illegal to make public anti-Semitic statements in France. However, a crazy outfit worn by a man known for crazy outfits is hardly cause for outrage.

Or is it?

"He just better not step in our streets or come to our synagogue," sad one furious Williamsburg resident after seeing a picture of Galliano's garb.

Yes, "one furious Williamsburg resident" and definitely not "a New York Post reporter who needed a punchy quote for a manufactured article."

Update: It's important to note that this is how Galliano always dresses. As The Cut notes:

...Galliano has been wearing this exact outfit for ages, right down to the ringlets in his hair - which are definitely not peyos, as they circle his whole head. The exaggerated bowler hat, baggy cropped pants, and long jacket are such well-known components of his uniform that Bill Gaytten, Galliano's successor at his namesake line, modeled an entire menswear collection on them for spring 2012. Indeed, the hat Galliano wore yesterday looks to be one of Gaytten's recent designs.

Have you ever had a casual acquaintance who seemed totally normal and nice and the first time you went to their house they were like, "I can't believe you've never seen my house!" and you were like "I can't believe I've never seen your house!" and then you stepped inside and the floor was littered with mutilated doll bodies and it smelled like apricots and there was no furniture?

That's the kind of relationship America is developing with Amanda Bynes. (Metaphorically)

It's also the kind of relationship Amand Bynes used to have with her neighbors. (Literally)

According to accounts by the actress' former neighbors just published in the New York Post, living next to Amanda Bynes was great at first. She seemed "really nice" when she moved in, and even went so far as to knock on doors and introduce herself.

"…but then she started acting weird."

Among the "weird" things Amanda Bynes allegedly did:

• Replacing all her regular light bulbs with red bulbs
• Leaving the door to her apartment open "all the time"
• Walking into her building's lobby "at 2 a.m. one morning, laughing hysterically for four minutes," and then returning to her apartment (probably to watch old Ask Ashley clips on YouTube)

Amanda Bynes was reportedly evicted from her condo earlier this month.

She told Celebuzz in a text message that she was not.

[NY Post // Image via AP]

Welcome to "Hey, Science," our disgustingly scientific weekly feature in which we will have your most provocative scientific questions answered by real live scientists (or related experts). No question is too smart for us to tackle, theoretically speaking. This week, experts address a Gawker reader's plea: When can we go live on the moon, already?

THE QUESTION: World-weary Gawker reader Chris asks, "When can we start building space colonies at the Earth-Moon Lagrange points? I am eager to leave my backward-thinking neighbors behind in the same manner that my Huguenot ancestors ditched their fellow Frenchmen. Is there someone I can throw my disposable income at to help make this happen?" How about it, space experts: where are our moon bases?

Bill McKinnon, professor of Earth and Planetary Sciences, Washington University:

We could start any time, but it would be very expensive (one trillion $). There is no particular reason to build a colony, by which I take you mean something like the Plymouth or Jamestown colonies. So this won't happen for a long time. What is more likely in the decades ahead is a research station or moonbase, like several nations today maintain in Antarctica. Nobody claims to have "colonized" Antarctica.

For a moonbase, [we do have the technology right now]. For a self-sustaining colonies (food, air, water), no. Biosphere 2 failed. We need greater research effort along those lines. Within 10 to 20 years I believe interested sovereigns or science organizations (or extremely wealthy individuals) will be able to purchase transportation to and from the lunar surface. As for buying living space, that is too far out to even speculate upon.

David Stevenson, Marvin L. Goldberger Professor of Planetary Science, Caltech:

I'll answer but be warned: I am not enthusiastic about people in space; I think it is an indulgence (or a romantic endeavor) rather than driven by practical considerations.

"Space colonies could in principle be built with current technology at Largrange points or on the moon, though there are long term health hazards from high energy radiation. The real question here is: Why would you do it? It's not clear what benefit could be derived (relative to the benefit here on Earth of expending the same very large amount of resources at home). Perhaps it will become a billionaires playground before it becomes actually useful."

Joe Giacalone, professor and assistant head of the Department of Planetary Sciences, University of Arizona Lunar and Planetary Laboratory:

1. There are no "Earth-Moon Lagrange points" (well, there might be, but only if you neglect the Sun, which doesn't make sense). There are 5 Lagrange points associated with the Sun-Earth system These are in space — one is between the Earth and Sun, two others are on the same line as the Earth and Sun with one on the opposite side of the Sun from Earth, and the other behind Earth. Two others are off to the sides. It would make little sense to place a human colony at one of these points because they are in space.
2. As for a moon colony: On the one hand, humans are explorers; so, in the future I do predict there will a human outpost on the Moon. But, it is extremely difficult (dust on the Moon is a major problem) and will be extremely expensive. So, we must weigh our thirst for exploration with the practical issue of how much it would cost. Personally, I don't think it is presently worth the cost. I would be surprised if I were to see a human base on the moon during my lifetime (I'm 50 now). On the other hand, are there practical reasons to place a base on the moon? I am certainly not the best person to answer this. The Moon is basically made of the same stuff Earth is — except for a notable lack of volatile elements, like water. So, I do not see any obvious resources that the Moon has that we lack (but, I could be mistaken, I just don't know for sure). The base might serve as a "launching point" for exploring the solar system (with robots) easier, but, again, I am not certain of this.

From a prominent professor of planetary sciences who asked not to be named in order to dissuade follow up queries from moon-crazed people like you:

"We have the technology to do this today. However there is not currently the scientific, political, or economic motivation to undertake such an expensive endeavor at this time. The cost still exceeds what any company or individual could afford to invest to create the infrastructure required to offer Lunar Apartments for sale."

THE VERDICT: While it would be possible, in theory, to construct some sort of moon bases now, the astronomically (heh) high cost makes it highly unlikely that it will happen any time soon. There, are, however, companies that hope to be able to send rich people to the moon within the decade. Now we just have to figure out how to keep them there.

Previously
Can Huge Man-Made Lakes Fix Our Rising Sea Levels?
Can Animals Be Mentally Ill?
Can Blood Transfusions Cure HIV?

[Do you have a mind-bending question for "Hey, Science?" Send it to me now.]

Image from Wikipedia, sourced from NASA.

Little Tasuku and his French Bulldog Muu are inseparable.

The two do everything together: Sit on the couch; sleep on the couch; sleep on each other.

The boys' mother, Aya Sakai, can't seem to get enough of photographing the dynamic duo in their daily misadventures. And that's just fine by her 67,000 Instagram followers, who can't seem to get enough of Tasuku and Muu and their excruciatingly cute friendship.

Disney adaptation in 3... 2...

[H/T: Daily Picks and Flicks, Trendland, photos via Instagram]

This year's two-week Jeopardy! Teen Tournament had a few memorable moments.

There was that time all the answer categories were lyrics from Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe." Then there was that time a show ended with all the contestants winning zero dollars.

But none of the memorable moments were half as memorable as last night's uber-memorable final round.

Leonard Cooper, a kid who only ended up in the finals because those other teens zeroed out, was declared the tournament's champion — but not before schooling his fellow contestants on how to give the most correct wrong answer in the history of Final Jeopardy.

When it came time to reveal each contestant's response, Leonard knew he didn't have it.

He had something even better.

I won't spoil it except to say it was boss enough to make even the infamously stoic Alex Trebek burst out laughing. And that alone is worth, well, about $75,000.

[H/T: Warming Glow]

To promote their "music is everywhere" philosophy, the Spanish band patáx charged their percussionist Jorge Perez Gonzalez with the task of slapping the asses of four mostly nude women for nearly three minutes to the sound of their song "Bottom Percussion."

It was a daunting chore to be sure, but it paid off: In less than a week the music video gained over 750,000 views on YouTube.

Though most of the music lovers who watched the video were left thoroughly impressed by Perez's evident bottom percussion experience, at least one couldn't help but notice a fatal flaw.

"I honestly don't see the point of the four-butt set-up," the viewer wrote. "The tonalities are all nearly exact."

Shut it down.

[H/T: Laughing Squid]

Animated pile of muscle and sideburns Hugh Jackman is the subject of a fawning Hollywood Reporter cover story by Stephen Galloway. The piece most notably touches on the rumors of gayness that are as synonymous with Jackman's public profile as his Wolverine character. Don't expect much probing, however, from an article that refers to its subject as a "complex and far-ranging figure" and "open and immensely likable." Jackman doesn't want to be probed. Can't you hear him?

Here's the gay bit:

Despite these friends and a seemingly idyllic life, Jackman admits rumors about his sexuality have taken a greater toll than previously acknowledged, especially on his wife [Deborra-Lee Furness]. "Just recently, it bugs her," he says, blaming the Internet, which she frequents more than he does. (Jackman largely sticks to cricket sites and The Economist.) "She goes: 'It's big. It's everywhere!'"

His X-Men producer Lauren Shuler Donner shrugs off the gossip. "I have seen him with Deborra since the beginning of their trip to Hollywood, and I've been on five movie sets with him and have never seen him stray, have never seen him eye anyone. I met him when he did Oklahoma! [at London's Royal National Theatre in 1999]. He was genuine, hugely talented. He was in love with his wife that day and still is."

I wonder what cricket sites he looks at. Surely not this one.

Jackman and Furness, who at 57 is 13 years his senior, have been married for almost 17 years. If this is a ruse, it is a marathon ruse, the product of the same kind of slavish devotion Jackman gives to his roles. He didn't drink liquids during the day, for example, so that he'd look freakishly gaunt for the opening scene of Les Misérables ("Then I wanted to drink water out of the ocean!"). For his role in X-Men: Days of Future Past, he is "consuming vats of food for eight hours straight, then going without any for 16 hours." That diet does not include dick.

That said, Jackman's description of his courtship Furness is so generic, it's not-ready-for-Lifetime:

She was very beautiful. She was unbelievably fun — this energy, this spirit — irrepressible. And she had a confidence in herself. I had a massive crush on her instantly...She was sort of the opposite of me. I was very 'Even Steven,' and she was thrilling to me. I was always really attracted to that — though at one point, as it was getting really serious, it terrified me.

Two more items of note from the sprawling piece:

• Self-help guru/people-burner Tony Robbins has helped Jackman come up with names for his confident and shy sides. Hugh Jackman's Sasha Fierce is named "Frank" and his Beyoncé is named "Charles."

• "Frank was the more confident, and Charles was the other," says Jackman. "I always thought strength came from getting rid of that fear. And Tony said: 'Charles is your sensitivity. Charles makes you question. Charles makes you work harder. When you walk on set, thank Charles for everything.' " He pauses. "Tony really transformed my life."

• Hugh Jackman is friends with Rupert Murdoch after meeting the mogul in a pool:

[Murdoch's wife] Wendi and Nicole Kidman were very good friends. It was Nicole's birthday, and we all went to Soho House in New York, and we were in the pool. He was holding his daughter, and I was holding my son, and we became friends.

Meeting dudes is easy.

[The Hollywood Reporter via Towleroad]

[Image via Getty]

Sales of luxury goods are booming in America; after a brief surge by China, the U.S. has regained its title as the world's leading consumer of Moet champagne, Louis Vuitton handbags, and Hermes scarves. It's good to know that the top 1% are giving back to the world economy.

New figures from UC-Berkeley researchers about the economic effects of the Great Recession show just how much wealth and income was lost in those dark years. In one sense, the top 1% had it worse than anyone:

During the Great Recession, from 2007 to 2009, average real income per family declined dramatically by 17.4%, the largest two year drop since the Great Depression. Average real income for the top percentile fell even faster (36.3 percent decline), which lead to a decrease in the top percentile income share from 23.5 to 18.1 percent. Average real income for the bottom 99% also fell sharply by 11.6%, also by far the largest two year decline since the Great Depression.

But don't feel too bad for the top 1%. The primary reason their incomes fell so much during those years was the collapse of the stock market, and the subsequent loss in capital gains. Meaning that it had nothing to do with working a real job. And, more importantly, the next two years more than made up for it:

From 2009 to 2011, average real income per family grew modestly by
1.7% but the gains were very uneven. Top 1% incomes grew by 11.2% while bottom 99% incomes shrunk by 0.4%. Hence, the top 1% captured 121% of the income gains in the first two years of the recovery.

The top 1% got more than all of the income gains. That's what America is all about.

[Emmanuel Saez via Bloomberg]

This morning, two intrepid Gawker journalists traveled all the way to Midtown Manhattan to peruse the new fall Fashion Week showcase of Spanx, the body-squeezing clothing-and-undergarment line for women—and men. Having done our research, we now ask: Are Spanx good, or evil?

Caity Weaver: Spanx Are Good

Animal behavior expert Temple Grandin revolutionized the livestock industry when she publicized the anxiety-quelling benefits of a firm pressure applied to the midsection for animals. Today, her legacy extends all the way from the slaughterhouse and shambles to the Thundershirt, a compression garment designed to decrease anxiety in domestic pets during thunderstorms and other stressful situations.

But why should cattle about to be ended or dogs during a thunderstorm have all the fun? Don't humans enjoy being loved and cuddled and squeezed and calmed?

Enter: Spanx. A discreet all-day embrace. A Thundershirt for your thunder thighs.

Who wouldn't want to walk around all day feeling a firm hug from their clothes?

"We love you! We're gonna hug you so tight, so tight, UGH, never let go, UGH, we love you so much!"

Spanx are underpants full of hugs. That quality alone should be enough to send them flying off the shelves, but Spanx, ever giving, do more than just provide: they also taketh away—your body fat.

Here are some things you could do if you were a little bit smaller:

1. Fit into a pair of jeans you bought even though they were a little too small because they were on sale and you convinced yourself you could lose weight
2. Get bypassed by a bullet that would otherwise have grazed you
3. Wear children's clothes (COST EFFECTIVE)
4. Sleep on a piece of bread
5. Ride a butterfly to work

Spanx combine the appearance of a slightly trimmer body with the effort of lying on the couch eating bon-bons. In fact, that's the first thing you notice when you walk into the Fall 2013 Fashion Week Spanx suite at the Empire Hotel—a huge display of glass jars literally filled with bonbons: m&ms, jellybeans, marshmallows dipped in chocolate.

"Help yourself!" the pretty Spanx ladies say, before inviting you to run your sticky fingers over all manner of underwear. "You can have some now; you can have some after. Or both!"

And you know what? You can. You can have as many candy-coated candies as you want, because tomorrow morning, you're going to wake-up and go for a two-mile jog. Just kidding—you're going to slap on a pair of Spanx and look as if you had.

There are potential educational benefits as well. In theory, you should be able to layer Spanx on top of Spanx on top of Spanx, eventually compressing yourself down to become infinitesimally small and infinitely dense until [via the influence of some catalyst], your body explodes, skin bursting through its Spanxian prison and expanding to fill the universe. Your life will prove an invaluable to modern astronomers. Your Spanx will change the way textbooks are written.

They also come in seasonal shades.

Hamilton Nolan: Spanx Are Evil

Nothing good comes from Spanx. Spanx are fundamentally intended to deceive. They deceive not only the people they are intended to impress; they also deceive their wearers, by whispering to them, "this is fine. This is normal. This is what clothes are supposed to be like."

"Anything you can put on that will suck you in, we will make it," announced the PR lady at the Spanx showroom in the Empire Hotel. How about leeches? Will Spanx make leeches, for women to wear? Or a huge whirlpool, to drown you? I'm sure that they would. Leeches and whirlpools make your near-dead body appear smaller, which is the Spanx corporate mission, to be accomplished at all costs.

"Obviously swimwear is kind of tough," she said, as she presented a rack of bathing suits that were quite clearly made of thick, restricting foam that could likely fend off a knife attack. The Spanx-ness of the suits was concealed by layer upon layer of superfluous ruffles. "Oh, these ruffles?" you might ask as you squeezed into your sausage-casing bathing suit. "I just like how these strange, billowy ruffles look. In, you know, the water." Then you pass out, suffocated.

Ridiculous.

They also showed us their "sexy shapewear," which is what lingerie might be if it was a black sheet of rubber encasing the entire torso with a few meager cutout spaces replace with black fishnetting, for that provocative "This Garment Is Slightly Less Than 100% Restrictive Spandex" look. They are designed to send the message, "I am painfully insecure about my body, but please, by all means, fuck me."

Unfeminist.

To repay the patriarchy, there are men's versions of Spanx. Some of them are "compression," other are "non-shaping undershirts," which is to say, regular undershirts, but more expensive. There are also Spanx boxer briefs, for men. Joke joke joke joke joke. Regardless, no self-respecting real man would ever wear some Spanx compression undergarments. We have Under Armour for that, which is more masculine, somehow.

In conclusion did you know Spanx cost like $200? Take that money and join a gym.

Image by Jim Cooke.

Just when you thought John — the little kid who got caught with his face in the sprinkles jar — couldn't get any cuter, he goes and appears on Ellen with his mom Erica.

The 3-year-old was finally ready to admit that, yes, he did actually eat those sprinkles, but one confession does not a perfect angel make.

In fact, Ellen put John through a makeshift lie-detection test, and you'll be glad to know he's still just as compulsive a liar as ever.

But you just can't stay mad at him! So Ellen decides to reward his fibbing with all the sprinkles he can eat.

[video via The Ellen Show]

Libby Phelps Alvarez is the granddaughter of Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro Baptist "Church." She left the Topeka, Kansas-based congregation, famous for picketing the soldiers of American soldiers killed in action, holding signs bearing slogans like "god hates fags" in 2009.

Wednesday she appeared on Anderson Live to talk about her decision to leave the church into which she was indoctrinated as a young child. Alvarez said she began picketing with the other members of the church (most of whom are related in some way to Phelps) when she was eight. Though she was raised to believe the church's beliefs and was never exposed to other ways of thinking, it's still hard to feel sorry for Alvarez on account of the terrible things she's said and done in the past, including revealing earlier this year that she'd prayed for people to die. She vaguely expressed regret for her actions to Cooper, saying, "I do regret if I hurt people, because that was never my intention."

During the show, Cooper also introduced Alvarez to Sherry and Randy Wyatt, whose son Sterling was killed in Afghanistan, his funeral was picketed by members of the Westboro Baptist Church. Sherry Wyatt had this to say to Alvarez, and to the Westboro congregation as a whole:

Our son died to ensure freedom of assembly, to ensure freedom of speech, to ensure freedoms for those that are white, black, gay, straight, rich, poor ... All that we get from your actions is just a show of absolute hate. We had thousands stand shoulder to shoulder in 105 degree heat, we had businesses bringing in water, we had our American Legion Auxiliary cooking hot dogs, we had people setting up health stations because of the heat. That is community, that is church.

For the first time since 1944, the Pentagon has created a new combat-related medal to award drone pilots. Outgoing Defense Secretary Leon Panetta announced today that the Distinguished Warfare Medal will be given to those who have a direct impact on combat relations, but don't risk their lives to do so.

It's another strong vote of confidence from the military that drone strikes are the wave of the future, despite the nation's strongly divided opinion of their use. Drones have played a major part in the killing of several of America's greatest enemies, however, they've also been solely responsible for the deaths of even more innocent civilians. in fact, a New York Times op ed from 2009 alleged that drone attacks have killed 50 civilians for every one terrorist.

"I've seen firsthand how modern tools, like remotely piloted platforms and cyber systems, have changed the way wars are fought," Panetta said today. "And they've given our men and women the ability to engage the enemy and change the course of battle, even from afar."

The medal will rank slightly higher than the Bronze Star, but lower than the Silver Star. Since the Pentagon makes a policy of keeping its acts of cyberwarfare secret, it's unclear whether or not the awarding of this medal will, too, be private. When an unknown hacker is awarded the Distinguished Warfare Medal, the public might be curious what for.

The medal itself will be made of brass. It will show a laurel that circles a globe with an eagle in the center. The two-inch medal will hang from a red, white and blue ribbon. Pretty.

[Image via AP]

A hapless French driver became an inadvertent speed demon when his car malfunctioned and refused to slow down for nearly an hour.

Frank Lecerf was on his way to the supermarket when he noticed that the brakes in his Renault Laguna III were no longer functioning.

Worse still, hitting them would cause the vehicle to accelerate.

In short order, Lecerf found himself hurling down the highway at 200KM/h (125mph), with no way to slow down or stop.

The 36-year-old immediately phoned emergency services to explain the situation, and was hooked up with a massive police escort to ensure that other motorists got out of the way.

Three toll booths were also alerted in advance so they could lift their gates and let Lecerf barrel through.

A Renault technician was patched through to Lecerf's phone and attempted to figured out the problem, but to no avail.

By the time he ran out of gas, Lecerf had traveled 180 KM (111 miles), and crossed the border into Belgium. It was near the Belgian town of Alveringem that he was finally able to bring the car to a halt inside a ditch.

He sustained no physical injuries, but was hospitalized after suffering two epileptic seizures.

"My life flashed before me," Lecerf told Le Courrier picard. "I just wanted it to stop."

In addition to having a standard keyless ignition, Lecerf's Renault Laguna had also been adapted for his disability, with the brake and gas pedals being removed in favor of a wheel-based control system.

Lecerf says the speed dial had failed before, but Renault inspected the car and gave it a passing grade.

An investigation into the exact cause of the malfunction is ongoing, but Lecerf is already planning to sue to company for "endangerment of a person's life."

[H/T: The Atlantic, photo via Shutterstock, map via Le Figaro]

Global Saskatoon morning news anchor Lisa Dutton can't seem to catch a break when it comes to getting caught in embarrassing on-air innuendos.

You may remember Dutton from last year's ultra-viral "pick-a-dick" slip.

Well, this week, the unintentionally X-rated newsreader tried to give mommy viewers some teething advice, and, well...

Word to the wise: If your teething story starts with "the big, fat rubber end of my vibrating" anything, maybe save it for when the red light is off.

[H/T: Reddit]

Two-time Father of the Bride Steve Martin became a first-time father of a human being in early December when his wife, Anne Stringfield, 41, gave birth to a baby. His rep just got around to confirming the news to People today. Steve Martin is 67.

Here is a tentative timeline of milestones in Steve Martin's child's life, and the age Steve Martin will be when they are achieved.

(Note: Martin is notoriously private about his private life, and no information about the baby's sex has yet been made public. Since couples over 40 are less likely to have sons, we'll assume it is a girl and name her Stevita Martin.)

2012: Stevita Martin is born; Steve Martin is 67

2016: Stevita Martin starts pre-K, where her late birthday gives her a distinct academic advantage over her peers; Steve Martin is 71

2019: Stevita Martin has her first sleepover; feels lonely being in a strange house around bedtime; calls her Dad who promises to take her out for pancakes in the morning; toughs it out; Steve Martin is 74

2020: Stevita Martin begs to take ballet class; winter recital means she must postpone her birthday by one weekend (in the spring she switches to lacrosse); Steve Martin is 75
NOTE: Average life expectancy of an American male = 75.6 years

2024: Stevita Martin's last year on the kids menu (legally); Steve Martin is 79

2025: Steve Martin teaches Stevita to lie about her age if a waiter asks, so that she can still get chicken fingers; Steve Martin is 80

2028: Stevita Martin has her first kiss; gets her learner's permit; Steve Martin is 83

2030: Stevita Martin leaves home for Dartmouth; her Dad hires movers to help carry her stuff into the dorm; Steve Martin is 85

2033: Stevita Martin is legally old enough to drink in the United States; Steve Martin is 88

2037: Stevita Martin is old enough to rent a car without paying an additional fee; Steve Martin is 92

2040: Stevita Martin becomes engaged to a fellow PhD student at the Yale School of Architecture; Steve Martin is 95

2041: Stevita Martin is married; Steve Martin is 96

2044: Stevita Martin gives birth to her first child; Steve Martin is 99

2079: Stevita Martin gives birth to her third child, at age 67; Steve Martin is 134

I'm 23 and my dad is one year older than Steve Martin; growing up I always felt like he was pretty old. Good dad, though.

How old is your dad?

[Image via Getty]

Last Friday in Kansas City, rich engaged woman Sarah Darling spotted poor homeless man Billy Ray Harris in a part of Kansas City called The Plaza. Harris was holding a cup full of spare change, so Darling, because she felt bad that one time or perhaps because she's always been generous, emptied her coin purse into the cup and walked off, probably happy about having performed that day's Good Deed.

She went about her business normally until the next day, when she realized her platinum and diamond engagement ring was missing. Disaster!

"I was so incredibly upset because, more than just the value of the ring, it had sentimental value," she told KCTV. But why was her ring off in the first place? Because of an affair or some other scandalous reason? Nope, it was just uncomfortable. "My rings were bothering me, so I put them in my coin purse," she said.

When she remembered she'd dumped the coin purse into Harris's cup, she rushed back to the Plaza, where she found Harris.

"She squatted down like you did like right there and says ‘Do you remember me?' And I was like, ‘I don't know. I see a lot of faces.' She says, ‘I might have gave you something very valuable.' I said, ‘Was it a ring?' And she says, ‘Yeah.' And I said ‘Well, I have it,'" Harris said.

For Darling, the moment was like a "miracle," and she gave Harris all the cash she had on her.

But why didn't Harris pawn the ring and, as KCTV put it, "start a new life"? "My grandfather was a reverend. He raised me from the time I was 6 months old and thank the good Lord, it's a blessing, but I do still have some character," he said.

It's also worth noting that, for Harris, finding lost rings and returning them to their rightful owners is practically a habit. According to Harris, several years ago a drunk and retired Oakland Raiders player was in town for a Chiefs' game. As one does when in Kansas City and a retired star athlete, the former player got drunk and jumped in a nearby creek (Brush Creek, in case you want to visit), where he lost his Super Bowl ring. Harris, of course, found the ring later that night on the sidewalk and returned it to the player, who rewarded him with a "generous reward" that included a three-night stay at fancy hotel downtown.

[Daily Mail// Image via KCTV]

Three days after he was arrested for allegedly punching a woman in Times Square, Spider-Man (or, more accurately, a man who dresses up as Spider-Man in Times Square for a living) is now accusing the same woman, a mother of two, of attacking him first with a snowball. It was only after the snowball attack, according to Spider-Man, that he punched the woman to defend himself.

The incident began last Sunday, when Spider-Man (real name: Philip Williams) asked the mom for money after he posed for a picture with her two children. She said, "Sorry, I don't have any money." Williams apparently replied, "You're crap," and then one of two things happened: According to prosecutors, Williams punched the mom, but, according to Williams's attorney, she attacked him first (with the snowball).

Making things more complicated: the woman initially confronted the wrong Spider-Man after leaving the scene to get her husband.

"A woman came to me and said, ‘What did you do to me, you f—ker?' " said another Times Square Spidey, who wouldn't give his name.

The mom and her husband then went to the correct Spider-Man and began fighting. Williams is facing charges of assault and harassment. But more shamefully, he's threatened the livelihood of other weirdos dressed as super heroes and cartoon characters in Times Square, a profession that was already struggling after last summer's Jew-hating Elmo in Central Park.

"Getting arrested isn't good for any of us," said Times Square worker Christian, who dresses as Big Bird. "It makes us all look bad."

[Gothamist//Photo via andreasdantz]

Now that the story of Christopher Dorner seems to have come to its end, it's time to start rewriting it. Enter the Dorner Truthers. These are the people, a number of whom are on Reddit, who have noticed the strange fact that, in less than a week, reports put Christopher Dorner's wallet and ID in three different places, each of which were miles away from one another.

This is from The Log, a San Diego boating and fishing publication, which reported that Dorner's wallet and ID were discovered near Lindbergh Field, also known as San Diego International Airport:

According to reports, the boat's prop became fouled and the gunman was not able to operate the boat. The gunman in the attempted "boat-jacking" was described as a heavyset man in his 30s dressed in black clothing — and officers are awaiting forensics testing to positively determine whether the suspect is, in fact, the 270-pound, 6-foot-tall Dorner, Hassen said. Dorner's wallet, containing his identification, was found near San Diego's Lindbergh Field on Feb. 7.

This is from Fox News, which reported that Dorner's wallet and ID were found at the San Ysidro Point of Entry at the US-Mexico border:

Investigators say Dorner attempted to steal a boat in San Diego and drive it to Mexico. Dorner's wallet, including his identification cards, was also found at the San Ysidro Point of Entry near the U.S.-Mexico border, the Los Angeles Times reported.

And this is from the Huffington Post, which reported that just yesterday Dorner's wallet and ID were discovered in a cabin so engulfed with fire that Dorner's suspected corpse was charred beyond recognition:

An official briefed on the investigation tells The Associated Press that a wallet with a California driver's license with the name Christopher Dorner has been found in the rubble of a cabin.

Though he botched a number of things in the course of his warpath—a bungled boat robbery, wrecking his truck and smashing its axle, etc.—Dorner seemed better prepared than most spree killers, which might explain why he had multiple wallets and multiple IDs (perhaps he was trying to throw authorities off his track). Another possibility is that press outlets made mistakes during their reporting, thus leading the public to wrongly believe that Dorner's wallet was in three places at once.

Or there's the possibility that the wallet skeptics have found the one flaw in a carefully scripted police conspiracy, and that the police made a conscious decision to lie to everyone about finding Dorner's wallet in multiple places, in an effort to...well, it's not clear why the police would do that. General mayhem?

I've reached out the LAPD in order to ask them about the wallet discrepancies and will update this post if and when they respond. Until then, don't expect silence from conspiracy-minded Redditors, some of whom are already saying the Dorner case bears an unsettling similarity to the 9/11 "coverup": "Reminds me of that passport they found on 9/11... 2 buildings turned to rubble, yet a perfectly legible passport of the 'hijackers' was saved."