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​Sarah Palin Hits Peak Palin and I'm More Concerned Than Anything Else

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Um, Sarah? Are you feeling okay?

As you may know, Sarah Palin's got a new online subscription channel, a haven for people who want to pay money to mourn the brutal murder of democracy at the hands of lib'rals led by noted radical socialist Obama and his TLC, that is Terrorism-Lovin' Care (Act). In general we all know what to expect from Palin, but I gotta say, even I did not expect this level of inarticulateness in this clip from her channel.

In the clip, she aims to dig at Elizabeth Warren, but instead gets tangled in her biblical references and general muddled disdain. Here's the text to really drive home how unintelligible the sounds issuing from her mouth are:

"We believe"? Wait, I thought fast food joints, hurh. Don't you guys think that they're like of the Devil or somethin' I was. Liberals, you want to send those evil employees who would dare work at a fast food joint then ya just don't believe in, thought you wanted to, I dunno, send them to Purgatory or somethin' so they all go VEGAN and, uh, wages and picket lines I dunno they're not often discussed in Purgatory, are they? I dunno why are you even worried about fast food wages because dha.

Well, we believe an America where minimum wage jobs they're not lifetime gigs they're stepping stone"

Is she drunk? Tired? Maybe the Onion really has perfected parody and this is their work? Perhaps for the first goddamned time in her life she tried to logically assess her own words and realized that THERE WAS NO LOGIC. AT ALL. Or maybe, just maybe, she had a The Truman Show-esque realization that the world she has fabricated, the extreme personalities, the lib'ral agenda, the vegans she has derided are not what she has made them out to be. Yes, this just might be video of a woman whose entire world is crumbling.

Nah, it's probably the ramblings of an overpaid, self-inflating whoopee cushion. Anyway, if anyone ever needed an example of word salad or word vomit or excess word bile, this should do.

Get some sleep, Palin.


The Rock Shares Sobering Photo of the Car Accident His Mother Survived

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The Rock Shares Sobering Photo of the Car Accident His Mother Survived

Here, a heartfelt reminder from Dwayne Johnson, aka The Rock, to "hug your own family tighter today and be grateful you can tell them you love them."

This afternoon, the Fast & Furious star shared news that his mother, Ata Johnson, and cousin, WWE NXT Diva Lina Fanene, were hit head-on by an alleged drunk driver earlier this week. The good news is that they both survived, but the photo he shared on his Instagram account of the scene—two wrecked cars and an ambulance with its emergency lights on—should scare you sober.

"First reaction is to find the person who did this and do unrelenting harm to them," he wrote in the caption. "But then you realize the most important thing is my family lived thru this and we can hug each other that much tighter these days."

He signed off with three hashtags: #BearHugsAndGratitude, #100PercentPreventable, and #ChoicesMatter.

[Image via TheRock/Instagram]

Hey, Know Anybody Who Really Likes Hats? (And Robs Banks?)

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Hey, Know Anybody Who Really Likes Hats? (And Robs Banks?)

The AP reports that police in New York are searching for a man who loves fun hats almost as much as he loves threatening bank tellers with violence and robbing banks. Know anybody?

According to Nassau County police, the man has committed a whopping eight bank robberies—hitting one bank twice—in the span of two and a half months, ending on July 23. During the robberies, he wore a number of different, festive hats:

Surveillance photos show the robber wearing a floppy white hat at one bank. At another, he accessorized with a baseball hat that had a picture of President Barack Obama on it.

And at another, he decided on a hat with a long wig attached.

Police, who say the robber usually gives bank tellers a note "threatening violence and demanding cash," believe it is the same man in all of the surveillance photos.

He seems fun!

[image via Shutterstock]

This Secret Treasure Room May Be The Best Birthday Present Of All Time

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This Secret Treasure Room May Be The Best Birthday Present Of All Time

When Sarah Goer and her husband discovered a disused storage space attached to their son's room, they decided to convert it into a Secret Treasure Room. For years, they concealed the room's entrance with a dresser, waiting for the perfect moment – their son's fourth birthday – to reveal its existence. Here, Sarah describes how the Secret Treasure Room came to be.

When we bought our house two years ago The Boy was not quite 2 years old. The room that was to be his had a storage room attached to it. Our roof pitch is really steep next to his room, so it forms a triangular room 7 feet by 12 feet. The door is about 2 feet by 4 feet.

The storage room, aka "The Secret Room" had an old linoleum floor, a light with a switch, some wood paneling and some exposed insulation. At the time it was certainly not fit for the kids to use. And we didn't figure a 2-year-old needed an extra room, but we agreed it would make an awesome surprise for The Boy at some point. So the dresser was parked in front of the door and The Boy had no idea for over two years! Here's a peek at the before:

This Secret Treasure Room May Be The Best Birthday Present Of All Time

A view inside the unfinished Secret Treasure Room. Note the stodgy linoleum and exposed insulation

This Secret Treasure Room May Be The Best Birthday Present Of All Time

Above: On the left, the "ceiling" of the unfinished Secret Treasure Room; at right; a lengthwise view of the space, with exposed insulation

Sometime after his 3rd birthday we decided that The Secret Room would be his 4th birthday present. This meant getting it fixed up. We had our contractor, Steve, come work on it only during the hours that The Boy was at school. And I started talking excitedly about the project to friends and family. A lot of people were in on the secret. (Luckily, we never blew it before the big reveal on his birthday last month.) Steve ripped out the linoleum and wood paneling, then installed new drywall, wood laminate flooring, base molding and put on a fresh coat of paint. I decided to have him paint an accent wall, using a darker shade of the paint in The Boy's bedroom. Steve also installed a proper light fixture.

This Secret Treasure Room May Be The Best Birthday Present Of All Time

Then I got to work on decorating the space. Most of it was from Ikea or found around the house. I got a white Kritter table and two chairs to provide space for drawing, writing and small craft projects. I added a Bekvam spice rack, also from Ikea, on the wall to hold writing and drawing supplies, including note cards and stickers. The pencil holders on the table are two plant pots from Ikea, the same kind I use at the kids art table downstairs. I snagged the name banner that The Boy made at school to add to the wall.

This Secret Treasure Room May Be The Best Birthday Present Of All Time

I added the world map to the accent wall. The Boy has the US map from the Costco set in his bedroom, but I hadn't found an appropriate wall space to put up the world map anywhere yet. Similarly, I didn't have a great place for where to store dress-up clothes, so I knew I wanted to put them in The Secret Room as well. We have friends who use this Ikea box for dress-up and it was just the size to fit by the door. I added a rug from Ikea to the middle of the room and relocated a floor pillow and quilt from elsewhere in the house to provide a comfy reading area. (We've since added a backrest pillow as well.)

This Secret Treasure Room May Be The Best Birthday Present Of All Time

This Secret Treasure Room May Be The Best Birthday Present Of All Time

It was a hit! There was a treasure hunt around the house with clues on The Boy's birthday morning for him to find his gift. His last clue was to push on the dresser to slide it over. He needed a bit of help since it was "really, really hard." Then he could see the door. "What do you see?" I asked. "That door there," he declared.

Me: "What do you think we should do?"

The Boy: "I think we should peek inside it."

Me: "What do you think is in there?"

The Boy: "Some treasure is in there." He walked in wide eyed and asked, "where is my birthday present?"

This Secret Treasure Room May Be The Best Birthday Present Of All Time

Me: "You are in your birthday present."

The Boy: "What is it?"

Me: "It is a whole room."

"A treasure room!" As he took it in he got very excited and declared that he would show it to everyone.

I gave him the tour of the room. "Oh, this is pretty cool, mother."

Then it really sank in. "A secret treasure room! I like this room so much," he jumped up and down. "Thank you father and mother."

Here he is enjoying his birthday bedtime story with dad in the secret treasure room.

This Secret Treasure Room May Be The Best Birthday Present Of All Time


This post by Sarah Goer has been republished with her permission. It originally appeared at her blog, Things I Make, where she writes:

I'm here to inspire others in their creative endeavors. I think hobbies fall into 3 categories: doing, making and collecting. I'm a maker. I sew, quilt, scrapbook, and I've recently started decorating cookies. (Even more recently I've started to dabble in computer coding.) Basically if it involves colors and shapes (and/or math), it might be a hobby for me! In the past I've knit, crocheted, done book binding and paper marbling… the list goes on.

Miley Cyrus Peed On a Tree This Weekend

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Miley Cyrus Peed On a Tree This Weekend

America's foremost public intellectual Miley Cyrus may be running out of ways to shock and awe, but at least she's hiding her public urination away in the woods—for now at least.

Cyrus, who was apparently attending some sort of white-trash themed party [unclear if this was actually a themed party], posted a series of photos of herself drinking moonshine, hanging out in an abandoned house with a passed out and alarmingly bloody Flaming Lips frontman Wayne Coyne, and of course, peeing outdoors.

The resulting photo was posted on Cyrus's Instagram page, because if a pop star pees in the woods and no one comments on it, did it ever really happen?

[image via Instagram]

Hospital Says It Was Tricked Into Selling Drugs for an Execution

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Hospital Says It Was Tricked Into Selling Drugs for an Execution

When Louisiana ran out of lethal injection drugs this year, officials announced the state would switch to a new two-drug cocktail. But what they apparently failed to disclose was that the new drugs had been purchased from a hospital that thought it was healing prison hospital patients.

According to the Lens, a New Orleans investigative nonprofit, the Louisiana Department of Corrections purchased 20 vials of hydromorphone from Lake Charles Memorial Hospital a week before the scheduled execution of Christopher Sepulvado.

Christopher Sepulvado, 70, was convicted of torturing and murdering his six-year-old stepson in 1992. Despite several successful challenges by his attorneys, Sepulvado was finally scheduled to die on February 5—until the state ran out of pentobarbital, the drug it had been using for executions since 2011.

In January, corrections officials announced they had purchased enough hydromorphone to couple with midazolam, a sedative, in order to carry on the execution as planned.

The two-drug lethal cocktail has been involved in a number of horrifyingly long executions, including the 25-minute execution of Ohio inmate Dennis McGuire, the two-hour execution of Arizona inmate Joseph Woods, and the botched execution of Clayton Lockett.

Despite the state's significant efforts to hide the source of the drug, hospital officials are now publicly discussing their involvement.

"We were contacted back in January. Our pharmacist here at Memorial, from a pharmacist at the Hunt Medical Center, saying that they needed the drug, hydromorphone, for a medical patient, and at that time we complied with the request. At no time did Memorial believe or was led to believe that the drug would be used for an execution," Matt Felder, a spokesman for the hospital told KPLC TV.

According to the Lens:


According to documents shared with Sepulvado's lawyers, the drugs were sent to Elayn Hunt Correctional Center's Medical Unit, which the state describes the site as a "medical facility for seriously or chronically ill offenders."

Properly permitted hospital pharmacies like the one at Lake Charles Memorial can legally supply medications to other pharmacies, as long as the drugs are for a hospital patient, according to Malcolm Broussard, executive director of the Louisiana Board of Pharmacy.

The supplying pharmacy wouldn't need a prescription for that particular patient. Those rules apply even to highly regulated drugs such as hydromorphone, he said.

"We assumed the drug was for one of their patients, so we sent it. We did not realize what the focus was," Ulysses Gene Thibodeaux, a hospital board member and judge, told the Lens.

[image via AP]

Who the Hell Is Paying Paris Hilton Millions to Just Stand Around?

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Who the Hell Is Paying Paris Hilton Millions to Just Stand Around?

Paris Hilton, the velour-sweatsuit-clad, sticky-lip-glossed ghost of our 2006 collective consciousness, is still somehow convincing people to pay her millions of dollars for the grotesque pleasure of watching her stand around for a few hours. Who the hell would throw that kind of money at her?

Sources say: the owners of a famed nightclub in Ibiza called Amnesia (which a person would have to have to pay Paris Hilton that much in 2014).

According to the Sun, Hilton is earning close to $350,000 an hour for a strenuous routine of standing around looking bored and pressing play on her iTunes playlist.

Per the AZ Central:

The heiress kicked off her run of 13 gigs with a set at Ibiza's Amnesia club, where she has a residency, on Wednesday night, but she was blasted for earning her huge $347,000-an-hour pay packet for simply ''pressing play'' as other workers reportedly did a lot of the technical work.

When all is said and done, Hilton is expected to rake in around $2.7 million.

"Surely they must be on drugs," you think to yourself. Turns out, they are!

''The crowds do seem to enjoy it but most are too off their faces to care that she's simply pressed play on a Beyoncé megamix,'' a source explained to the Sun.

[image via AP]

Police Searching for MMA Fighter Who Brutally Attacked Girlfriend

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Police Searching for MMA Fighter Who Brutally Attacked Girlfriend

Las Vegas police are searching for a famous MMA fighter who allegedly attacked his girlfriend this weekend, beating her so brutally that she was hospitalized with severe injuries.

Police say mixed martial arts fighter War Machine—whose real name is Jon Koppenhaver—went on the run after attacking girlfriend Christy Mack and a third, unnamed party in an altercation on Friday night.

Both victims had to be hospitalized and Mack, a well-known porn actress, was apparently left unable to speak due to a broken jaw and eye socket.

Koppenhaver, who appeared on the FOX show, Ultimate Fighter, was also signed to a MMA tournament group called Bellator. Bellator's president told TMZ this weekend that Koppenhaver would not be welcomed back.

"We have a zero tolerance policy here at Bellator when it relates to any form of domestic violence, and after learning of this latest incident involving (Jon Koppenhaver) War Machine, Bellator is releasing him from his promotional contract with the organization."

It's not Koppenhaver's first brush with the law—he was convicted of assault after a 2010 bar fight in San Diego and was apparently arrested on felony domestic assault charges in 2009.

Nor does it appear to be the first time Koppenhaver laid hands on Mack. According to FOX Sports:

She tweeted last November that War Machine "threatened to kill" her.

"He full on beat the s*** out of me, couldn't show my face in public beating," Mack tweeted.

She deleted the tweets not long after and War Machine tweeted that the whole thing was a joke. A month later, Mack tweeted that she stayed with War Machine after "several slapping, choking unconscious, smothering, kicking and throwings."

According to TMZ, Koppenhaver tweeted—and then deleted—a message to Mack on Saturday, writing "@ChristyMack I love you and hope you're okay. I came him(sp) early to surprise you and help you set up for your convention. I can't believe what I found and can't believe what happened."

Mack, who remains hospitalized, has denied the cheating allegations over social media.

[h/t the Blemish, image via Twitter]


Reports of Looting Follow Vigil for Unarmed Teen Shot Dead by Police

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According to the AP, a candlelight vigil for 18-year-old Michael Brown, the unarmed Missouri teen who was shot dead by police this weekend, ended in reports of vandalism, looting and arson Sunday night.

Brown was shot dead on Saturday after a confrontation with police, but it's still unclear what happened—by some accounts, Brown had his hands up in the air when he was shot; by others, he was wrestling the officer and trying to grab his service weapon.

Despite the conflicting reports, officials have confirmed that Brown was definitely unarmed and died after suffering multiple gunshot wounds. According to the AP, the officer who shot and killed Brown has been placed on administrative leave pending investigation.

The tension apparently boiled over around 8:30 pm on Sunday in Ferguson, Missouri after a candlelit vigil for Brown, which drew thousands of participants to a busy intersection.

Photographs and video of the chaos began circulating immediately.

According to the AP:

People were seen carrying armloads of goods such as bags of food and toilet paper. TV footage showed streams of people walking out of a liquor store carrying bottles of alcohol, and in some cases protesters were standing atop police cars or taunting officers who stood stoic, often in riot gear.

Other witnesses reported seeing people vandalize police cars and kick in windows. Television footage showed windows busted out of a TV station van.

Local elected official Patricia Bynes also posted on Twitter that gunshots were fired at police late Sunday night.

Despite the widespread reports, Ferguson officials are telling reporters the criminal activity is limited to a small group.

"Right now, the small group of people are creating a huge mess," Ferguson's mayor, James Knowles, told St. Louis KTVI-TV. "Contributing to the unrest that is going on is not going to help. ... We're only hurting ourselves, only hurting our community, hurting our neighbors. There's nothing productive from this."

[ h/t The Blaze, the AP]

Dear Douchebag Bike Thief, You Messed With the Wrong Cyclist

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Dear Douchebag Bike Thief, You Messed With the Wrong Cyclist

If a bike thief didn't know he'd slipped up when he snatched Aaron Rush's new mountain bike, he's certainly aware of it now. Rush posted a "Dear Douchebag Bike Thief" letter all over the racks where the theft occurred, and it's since spread across Twitter and a number of U.K. news sites.

In the letter, Rush warned the d-bag that not only was his face caught on CCTV at a Hertfordshire, England train station, but Rush—a victim of previous bike thefts—had equipped his ride with a GPS unit.

"Unfortunately for you, I know where you live," Rush wrote, offering not to involve the cops if his bike is returned by the end of the week.

Rush, a "poor student with no money, but a working printer," told the Daily Mail his tracker showed the bike was still in Kings Langley, where it was taken. The tracer seems to have been disabled since then, but there's still the last known address and that CCTV footage hanging over the thief's head.

Rush initially tweeted he thought his insurance would cover the bike, but he told the Mail he's now found it won't, so he's left either turning matters over to the police or hoping the thief's douche heart grows enough sizes to give the bike back.

[H/T The Independent]

Here's the First Released Footage of Better Call Saul

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During a Breaking Bad marathon last night, AMC slipped in a few seconds of the show's upcoming spin-off Better Call Saul, which is set to bow in February. It features Saul Goodman (Bob Odenkirk) making a lame joke comparing lawyers to health insurance. (I think the joke is that Saul makes bad jokes.)

This makes the show seem "funny" and "light."

Better Call Saul's co-creator and Breaking Bad mastermind Vince Gilligan talked to The Hollywood Reporter last year about the upcoming show:

While they're still working through plot, they anticipate the series being set in an office with a much lighter tone than that of its predecessor. If Bad was 75 percent dramatic and 25 percent comedic, Saul will be the opposite. The challenge has been finding the dramatic tension in their lead character. Unlike Walter White, who was damaged and needy, Saul has been portrayed as happy-go-lucky until now. Says Gilligan, "We've had to find the ongoing itch that Saul needs to scratch, so to speak, or else we wouldn't have much of a show."

...Both [Bryan Cranston] and Aaron Paul, in addition to some of Bad's other actors, have expressed interest in making appearances, which Gilligan intends to make happen. "Personally, I'd have a hard time resisting putting all these guys in for a cameo or two every now and then," he says, smiling at the very thought...Gilligan says he envisions being in the writers room full-time, at least for the first season, and already is slated to direct the pilot. Once Saul has found its footing, he'll turn his focus to other projects — assuming he is able to detach.

The official synopsis of Better Caul Saul on AMC's site reads:

Better Call Saul is the prequel to the award-winning series Breaking Bad, set six years before Saul Goodman (Bob Odenkirk) became Walter White's lawyer. When we meet him, the man who will become Saul Goodman is known as Jimmy McGill, a small-time lawyer searching for his destiny, and, more immediately, hustling to make ends meet. Working alongside, and often against, Jimmy is "fixer" Mike Erhmantraut (Jonathan Banks), a beloved character introduced in Breaking Bad. The series will track Jimmy's transformation into Saul Goodman, the man who puts "criminal" in "criminal lawyer."

[H/T Towleroad]

The Best Breads for Breakfast Sandwiches, Ranked

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The Best Breads for Breakfast Sandwiches, Ranked

This list ranks in descending order, from worst to best, the bread products used to make breakfast sandwiches, meaning egg and cheese sandwiches. There is no appeals process.

8. White bread

7. Bagel

6. Roll

5. Wheat or other non-white bread

4. Croissant

3. Tortilla or other "wrap"

2. Biscuit

1. English muffin

[Photo: Flickr. Additional reporting by staff writer Dayna Evans, who has independently confirmed the supremacy of English muffins.]

$470 Uber Ride Cost More Than a Ticket to a Three-Day Music Festival

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$470 Uber Ride Cost More Than a Ticket to a Three-Day Music Festival

For the 200,000 attendees of San Francisco's Outside Lands Music Festival this past weekend, where a three-day pass cost $275, Uber's hated "surge pricing" scheme made sure that exhausted revelers ponied up hundreds of dollars to get a few miles across town.

Uber has a habit of gouging their customers when they need it the most. They famously pulled their "surge pricing" trick during a blizzard that crippled New York last December, sticking riders with bills 7.75 times the normal rate.

By comparison, Uber's 5x rides in San Francisco were a bargain. But one passenger tells us that drivers were taking particularly long routes while under surge pricing—ostensibly to avoid the traffic leaving the festival.

For example, Alex's driver made a four mile trip into an 11 mile ordeal, racking up $391 in charges in the process:

$470 Uber Ride Cost More Than a Ticket to a Three-Day Music Festival

Fortunately, there was a way to avoid the high cost of disruption:

To contact the author of this post, please email kevin@valleywag.com.

Photos: Miles Suter, Kezar Söze

Barneys Will Pay $525,000 to Settle Racial Profiling Suit

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Barneys Will Pay $525,000 to Settle Racial Profiling Suit

Barneys New York has reached a settlement in a lawsuit filed last year that accused the company of targeting minority customers. The settlement follows a nine-month investigation led by New York Attorney General Eric T. Schneiderman, which found a "disproportionate number of African-American and Latino customers being detained for alleged shoplifting or credit card fraud."

Per the company's agreement with the state, Barneys will also be required to retrain their employees and hire an "independent anti-profiling consultant." The state's investigation stem from complaints made by two black Barneys customers who made purchases at the company's Madison Avenue store.

Trayon Christian, 19, was allegedly followed by police from the store last year after purchasing a $350 Salvatore Ferragamo belt. According to the lawsuit he filed against New York City and Barneys, the officers allegedly asked Christian "how a young black man such as himself could afford to purchase such an expensive belt" and accused him of using a fake debit card and ID.

And Kayla Philips, 21, alleges that police officers surrounded her at a subway station after she bought a $2,500 Céline handbag.

"There were three men and a woman," Philips told the New York Daily News last year. "Two of them attacked me and pushed me against a wall, and the other two appeared in front of me, blocking the turnstile."

Barneys and the NYPD have been pointing fingers at each other for the length of the investigation.

According to internal documents obtained by the Associated Press last year, Barneys claims that the police acted on their own, saying that they did not "request, require nor initiate the actions of the New York Police Department."

John McCarthy, NYPD's chief spokesman, fired back, telling the Associated Press, "In both instances, NYPD officers were conducting unrelated investigations and took action after conferring with Barneys employees while in their security room."

Schneiderman's investigation into Barneys' practices is part of a larger inquiry into similar racial profiling allegations leveled against New York shopping giants.

"We are a truly progressive company that has absolutely no tolerance for discrimination of any kind," Barneys said in a statement released today.

[Image via AP]

Here you will find a story that will make you seriously question whether an ingredient in your Colga

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Here you will find a story that will make you seriously question whether an ingredient in your Colgate Total toothpaste is disrupting your endocrine system, reducing your fertility, and damaging your baby's bones. (This should not be interpreted as medical advice!)


Here’s What BuzzFeed’s New Investors Really Think About Media

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Here’s What BuzzFeed’s New Investors Really Think About Media

Last night Andreessen Horowitz, the same venture capital firm that invested in Facebook and Twitter, announced a $50 million investment in BuzzFeed that presumes the value of the company to be $850 million. General partner Chris Dixon compared BuzzFeed to Tesla, Uber, and Netflix because of its deep emphasis on technology and "world-class systems for analytics, advertising, and content management."

Dixon, an early investor in BuzzFeed formerly based in New York, will be joining the company's board. But this round of funding is another sign of technocrats' sudden interest in the aforementioned "content." Where Jeff Bezos buying The Washington Post could be chalked up to vanity and Pierre Omidyar's First Look seems like a form of charity (for investigative journalists), Andreessen Horowitz seems to think there's money to be made from BuzzFeed. And I believe them!

BuzzFeed CEO Jonah Peretti was a cofounder in the Huffington Post. Just as HuffPo used a savvy SEO strategy, aggregation, and content farming to dominate the distribution channel at the time (online searches), so has BuzzFeed honed a formula to dominate the new distribution channels: social networks and social media. Editor-in-chief Ben Smith came straight out and said they started a business vertical to make content to be shared on LinkedIn. All social networks are being optimized, reports The New York Times:

The photo-sharing site Pinterest, in particular, now drives more traffic to BuzzFeed's Life section than Twitter does, Mr. Peretti said. Social media accounts for 75 percent of BuzzFeed's referral traffic, according to the company.

From Dixon's announcement (emphasis mine):

Many of today's great media companies were built on top of emerging technologies. Examples include Time Inc. which was built on color printing, CBS which was built on radio, and Viacom which was built on cable TV. We're presently in the midst of a major technological shift in which, increasingly, news and entertainment are being distributed on social networks and consumed on mobile devices. We believe BuzzFeed will emerge from this period as a preeminent media company.

BuzzFeed started out focusing on lightweight content like memes, lists, funny photos, etc. This led some industry observers to dismiss Buzzfeed as a "toy". The company has since moved steadily up market, following the typical path of disruptive technologies. It now has an editorial staff of over 200 people covering a wide range of topics – politics, sports, business, entertainment, travel, etc – and plans to invest significantly more in high-quality content in the coming years.

But this upmarket strategy towards "high-quality content" is disingenuous. Not because BuzzFeed isn't investing in high caliber reporters producing some fantastic work, but because that work is for prestige, not for BuzzFeed's real business, which, as Dixon mentions "reaches over 150M people per month, is consistently profitable, and will generate triple digit millions in revenues this year." Thus there is little incentive to make sure that work is seen.

The Times article, which coordinated with the announcement, said most of BuzzFeed's profits come from native advertising. Translated out of bubble-speak, that means sponsored content.

To keep up, sites must either perpetually increase traffic at a steady clip, or innovate and move into new and potentially more lucrative areas like so-called native advertising and video.

Already, most of BuzzFeed's revenue is derived from BuzzFeed Creative, the company's 75-person unit dedicated to creating for brands custom video and list-style advertising content that looks similar to its own editorial content.

In the Times, Dixon pushed the idea that BuzzFeed is more of a tech company than a media company. But former journalist and investor Om Malik told me there's a more pertinent distinction: "It is not a content company—it is an attention company."

And high quality stories about the chaos in Iraq are just not attention-grabbers, which might be why BuzzFeed has not yet shared the main article on its homepage (featured while all eyes are on its latest financing) with the 3.3 million readers who "liked" BuzzFeed on Facebook. This media reality created by Facebook, of course, is lost on some of its architects.

Here’s What BuzzFeed’s New Investors Really Think About Media

This balance of prestige and pageviews is something all advertising-dependent news organizations, like Gawker, are dealing with. There is even a new name for this show pony of respectability: "longform"—a category that says "Look, we're serious, we still speak truth to power." BuzzFeed's investors, however, have a very dim view of critical journalism.

Just before the funding news broke, Marc Andreessen whipped up one of his trademark "tweetstorms," arguing that Watergate coverage ruined news. Keep in mind that Andreessen also named Search Engine Land, a blog about the business of Internet searches, as one of 10 media properties to watch and replicate. Search Engine Land. Personally I find it pretty useful, but it's obvious Andreessen didn't look up from his tech news feeds before pontificating on the future of the entire industry.

Here’s What BuzzFeed’s New Investors Really Think About Media

Here’s What BuzzFeed’s New Investors Really Think About Media

Andreessen stormed his way onto something: we are going through a debilitating existential crisis. Back in February, Andreessen laid out the cure. The news industry is going to "grow 10X to 100X from where it is today," he promised, if we follow his plan:

One start would be to tear down, or at least modify the "Chinese wall" between content and the business side. No other non-monopoly industry lets product creators off the hook on how the business works.

Before the journalistic purists burst a fountain pen, consider that there are intermediate points between "holier than holy" and "hopelessly corrupt" when it comes to editorial content.

It's a great fit between content and investor, especially since BuzzFeed has been ahead of the curve in plotting where those intermediate points lie.

To contact the author of this post, please email nitasha@gawker.com.

[Image via Getty]

Girl With World-Famous Butt Meets Guy Who Threw Porn Star off His Roof

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Girl With World-Famous Butt Meets Guy Who Threw Porn Star off His Roof

Jen Selter, the fitness model who became a star on Instagram because of all the work she's put into developing her personal brand—which, in this case, is a euphemism for "butt"— celebrated her 21st birthday in Vegas over the weekend. Also there was Dan Bilzerian, another Instagram star known mainly for his millions of dollars and the time he threw a porn star off the roof of his mansion and missed the pool.

Was this Insta-singularity more than a coincidence? It's not unusual for Bilzerian, a high-stakes poker player, to spend time in Vegas, but Page Six reports they were seated near each other at the Marquee Las Vegas/ Bilzerian "wanted to meet her," the tabloid reports, so she went over to his table.

"They chatted and flirted a little, and took photos together," "a spy" told Page Six.

But is she dating him? Probably not. Bilzerian told Howard Stern in July that he had just broken up with someone because having a girlfriend didn't suit his playboy lifestyle (this is not hard to believe from a guy who uses the hashtag #dailypussy.) He is an avowed fan of Selter's #neverendingass, though.

Also, in case you were wondering, the other woman in the photo is Chelsey Novak, who has 82,000 Instagram followers of her own. "These two people thoooo [clapping emoji] [OK sign emoji] [monkey covering its eyes]," she wrote when she posted it to Instagram.

I don't speak fluent emoji, but make of that what you will.

[H/T Barstool, Photo via Instagram]

Pro Wrestling's Greatest Angle Was Convincing Us It Doesn't Matter

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Pro Wrestling's Greatest Angle Was Convincing Us It Doesn't Matter

This article was first published at Jacobin, a publication offering socialist perspectives on politics, economics, and culture. Subscriptions start at $19.

The headquarters of the World Wrestling Federation has the manicured look of a call center. Or the back office of a bank—its black, reflective glass exterior concealing a few hundred third-shifters, examining checks for floating endorsements and miskeyed routing numbers.

It is no Dallas Sportatorium, Fritz Von Erich's legendary wrestling venue, a low-hanging mess of shingles and rickety bleachers, filled from its dirt floor to exposed rafters with beer, popcorn, and hooting. No rival wrestling promoter will ever drive his Corvair to the Federation's Stamford home in the dead of night, heft a jerry can onto the roof, and torch this building.

It is the strange fate of America, in its waning days, that even wrestling—carnival redoubt of grifters, heels, and freaks of every stripe—would wind its way into the colorless confines of a ratty corporate park. Today, World Wrestling Entertainment—now renamed, per a legal settlement with that more genteel WWF, the World Wildlife Fund—trades on the New York Stock Exchange with a market capitalization of over $856 million.

Jim Barnett, one of the most powerful godfathers in the mid-twentieth century "Territorial Era" of wrestling promotion, boasted that he dealt with only three coteries: kings, prime ministers, and dictators. Barnett more typically dealt with sweaty jobbers and Georgia babyfaces, with names like "The Continental Lover" or "Geeto Mongol," but the claim is perhaps not as ridiculous as it appears. Historically, professional wrestling, with its screaming neon lunatics, potbellied big daddies, and tasseled "ring rats," has been considered too absurd to be taken seriously—deprecated by sportswriters and ignored by politicians, its fans derided as low-class marks.

This—the notion that pro wrestling is a fixed, low-rent travesty, undeserving of serious mainstream scrutiny—is the single greatest angle ever sold by the wrestling industry.

Pro Wrestling's Greatest Angle Was Convincing Us It Doesn't Matter

Pat O'Connor dropkicks Hans Hermann at Madison Square Garden in 1954.


There are competing theories as to the origin of the term "kayfabe," beyond its provenance in the strange lingo of the carnivals from which American pro wrestling emerged. But as to the meaning, there is no confusion; it is the central axiom of the business. As explained by journalist David "The Masked Man" Shoemaker, kayfabe is "the wrestlers' adherence to the big lie, the insistence that the unreal is real … the abiding dogma of the pro wrestling industry."

And the flip side of kayfabe is that, in an industry where the unreal is real, where Hulk Hogan is a "real American" fighting for the rights of every man, truth wears a mask.

Nothing is more real—and more obscured by the smoke and mirrors of the mat—than a simple fact: the billion dollar spectacle of pro wrestling relies entirely on the ruthless economic, mental, and physical exploitation of its performers. In that world, of lingering physical ailments, screwjob employment contracts, and chugalug drug abuse, Hulk Hogan is a millionaire named Terry Bollea, a favorite of WWF management, poached from a Minneapolis wrestling promotion and transformed into the star of "Hulkamania." In that world, in 1986, Bollea ratted out his fellow wrestlers to crush a nascent unionization drive ahead of Wrestlemania II. In that world, wrestlers are exploited and injured and thrown away—their final contribution to the world, a mortality rate on par with day one of Antietam.

For a fake sport, pro wrestling sure has a lot of real casualties. Its only business model is fear.

Professional wrestling's success was shepherded throughout the mid-twentieth century by the National Wrestling Alliance, a viciously anti-labor cartel comprised of the country's leading promoters. Colluding to control wages, stifle competition, and crush any resistant wrestlers, the NWA survived a federal antitrust investigation to dominate pro wrestling well into the seventies.

Yet it wasn't until recent decades that wrestling would grow unbelievably profitable, just as control of the entire industry came to rest with one corporation. On New Year's Day, 2014, WWE CEO and Chairman Vince McMahon could claim to be a billionaire in almost full control of the industry.

But these machinations are the stuff of rich men. Most wrestlers are not rich men.

A History of Violence

"There is more intrigue connected with professional wrestling than anything else but communism and television," deadpanned New York Daily Mirror sports columnist "Redoubtable" Dan Parker, in 1956. "Wrestling promoters,"Parker continued, "hold their conventions on spiral staircases with coats of mail under their shirts as protection against back-stabbing."

Parker would know. A withering commentator on the sports underworld, two decades earlier, he had published the insider testimony of Jack "Halitosis Kid" Pfefer, in what would be one of the first prominent press exposés of pro wrestling. Pfefer's snitching was mostly limited to exposing that wrestling champions, like "Golden Greek" Jim Londos, had been preselected by the "Trust," composed of promoters Jim Curley, Ray Fabiani, and the legendary Toots Mondt. The winner of a title bout had not bested his opponent; the promoters had determined who would win, based on a consensus of what would be best for business. The revelation that promoters were powerful enough to collude in labor suppression and market manipulation across an entire continent was lost in the maelstrom.

It would be a story Parker would continue to cover, as control of the wrestling world accumulated under the aegis of a few powerful men. In 1948, several regional promoters met in Waterloo, Iowa to form the National Wrestling Alliance. The NWA would dominate the sport for the next three decades, and would, at its height, come to incorporate forty-some-odd "territories" across North America, the Caribbean, East Asia, and the South Pacific.

If the persistent rumors of organized crime's involvement in wrestling are little more than an urban legend, it is because there was no necessity for wiseguys. The NWA was its own mafia. And its duties largely consisted of coercing, putting over, or stretching the one commodity without which the entire enterprise could not function: the wrestlers.

The Cartel

The logic of the NWA was simple. No single promoter could, at that time, exercise control over pro wrestling throughout the United States. The next best option for promoters, eager to make money in a sport both less scrutinized and more popular than boxing, was industry-wide collusion. The formation of the NWA allowed for promoters to mediate any disputes and to demarcate the territories in which each member would be allowed to stage matches—thus, "The Territorial Era."

Eddie Graham would run wrestling in Florida; LeRoy McGuirk would hold dominion over Oklahoma; Don Owen would entertain the marks of Oregon and Washington state; and so on.

After carving up the habitable world, the NWA's next step would be to strangle any outside competition in the cradle. Non-NWA promotions, also known as "outlaw promotions," would be ruthlessly stamped out if they attempted to stage wrestling shows in NWA territory. Blockbuster NWA shows would suddenly be staged across town, on the same night, as an outlaw promoter's show. Star wrestlers would agree to appear in an outlaw show, then get bribed to stay home—the outlaw promoter eating the cost of a heavily advertised no-show. Mid-level wrestlers would be threatened with the blacklist for appearing on an outlaw card.

More extreme measures might be taken by unknown parties: municipal coliseums and arenas would suddenly shred contracts, threatening phone calls would be received, and mysterious fires would be kindled. And if all else failed, the NWA could go to the extreme of scorching the earth—"burning" the territory with an overwhelming glut of bad shows, underwhelming scripting, and mediocre wrestling, until business all but evaporated in the area.

This was just how the alliance treated rival promoters. For the wrestlers, it was even nastier.

The Jobbers

Labor coercion by management—in almost any industry—need not take the form of a threat. More often than not, management will present a false choice: you can go wrestle as a jobber for one hundred bucks a week for Ed McLemore, out in Texas, or you can not. It's fine if you don't. But you might not get another call. And of course, for those who had something to say about any of this, the NWA had other hardball responses.

Promoters conspired to fix wages around the country and agreed to not pay above the going rate for most wrestlers, with the exception of a few top-drawing stars who might be granted contracts—lest they jump territories or ditch promoters. Intimidating the workforce was imperative for promoters.Big Jim Wilson, an ex-NFL lineman and former wrestler who, after being blackballed in the industry, would attempt to build support for tight governmental regulation of wrestling, would identify the key expense which could meaningfully impact the promoters' profit margin:

Without one MBA among them, wrestlers deduced the most important line item in pro wrestling's accounting spreadsheets—the incredibly low business costs. As a business, the wrestling industry's only operating expenses were monies paid for arena rentals, TV production, and talent—wrestler compensation. With some quick calculations, wrestlers concluded that talent compensation could not possibly constitute more than 15% of wrestling's gross … wrestlers should have realized they were the industry's biggest marks.

It should not be surprising that in an industry controlled by, at most, thirty village Napoleons, in which promoter profits could easily be increased by a wide margin merely by keeping labor expenses as low as possible, that labor suppression would be vigorous and multifaceted.

A 1921 article by sportswriter Al Spink about the aforementioned "Curley Trust" detailed one of the most commonly employed forms of coercion exercised by promoters against wrestlers—the blacklist. His column, profiling "Marin Plestina, greatest wrestler in the world," found that Plestina had been blackballed by Curley from competing in any championship bout, across North America: "Here today is actual evidence of the existence of a wrestling trust that would bar from all wrestling contests…men who are of good standing in the professional wrestling game."

The threat that any wrestler could, if he said or did the wrong thing, be permanently blackballed in his only profession, was usually sufficient to ensure compliance. Wrestlers could complain all they wanted—about getting paid $30 a gig; about paying for "gasoline runs" on far-flung road shows; about being compelled to do "blade jobs," the cutting of one's forehead mid-match to induce bleeding—but for most wrestlers, fear was a gag.

Pro Wrestling's Greatest Angle Was Convincing Us It Doesn't Matter

Muhammad Ali and Freddie Blassie, 1976.


Wrestlers regularly complained of irregularities in the gate receipts, counting the number of people in the audience mid-match, then finding half that number recorded in the ledger, as promoters pleaded poverty in cutting the checks. But what could they do? This was not a localized problem; this was the brick and mortar of professional wrestling for most of the century.

A 1973 lawsuit brought by blacklisted wrestler Don "Mr. X" Pruitt exposed other nasty mechanisms of NWA coercion, including the corruption of state athletic commissions, forced "heel turns" meted out to turn would-be champions into despised bad guys, and "stretchings"—the intentional injury of wrestlers in the ring, ordered by promoters in retaliation for some perceived slight.

What self-deception and a non-stop party culture could not palliate for wrestlers, vicious intimidation could.

Mr. McMahon's Neighborhood

One possibly apocryphal story tells of a phone call in the early eighties between Ted Turner and wrestling's éminence grise, WWE CEO and Chairman Vince McMahon. Turner, by then an extremely powerful cable programmer and billionaire, grandly announced, "Vince, I'm in the wrassling business"—to which McMahon is said to have responded, "That's great, Ted—I'm in the entertainment business."

If the call never happened, it may as well have. It was in this era that McMahon, the once-estranged son of a New York-based NWA promoter, would commence a multi-decade war on his erstwhile partners, with the aim of aggressively reshaping the industry into "sports entertainment" with only one promoter at the apex. The explosion of pro wrestling in the eighties, with the advent of "Hulkamania" merchandising and MTV cross-promotion, heralded an astonishing new level of cultural relevancy and profitability for the industry. Those profits came at the direct expense of the wrestlers.

Since the early eighties, the story of pro wrestling has more or less been the story of a burgeoning monopoly, that of McMahon's WWE. There is no such thing as a nice billionaire, and Vince is unexceptional in this regard.

Aggressive Expansion

The first chapter in the WWE story is one of what the conservative economist Joseph Schumpeter might call "creative destruction," in which McMahon, using the power of cable TV, cartoonish pop aesthetics, and governmental deregulation, co-opted or ruthlessly destroyed his competitors. Perhaps the closest analogy was the contemporaneous destruction of the Mafia's stranglehold over Las Vegas gambling and the rise of the new, glittering Vegas Strip. No more knuckle-dragging goombahs, with all the PR skills of a pot of lampreys; it would be corporate titans like Steve Wynn or Sheldon Adelson in charge, so that everyone could pretend organized vice was a clean trade.

Like the oligarchs of nineties Russia, most of whom entered the post-Soviet era as ambitious, well-connected crooks without much in the way of a conscience, McMahon was well positioned in advance of his campaign to dominate the industry. His father had bequeathed him the most prized NWA territory, New York City, and with it, the glittering crown jewel, Madison Square Garden. McMahon the Elder had been one of the earliest pioneers in the nationwide broadcasting of wrestling, and it was to be with this cudgel that McMahon the Younger would smash his adversaries.

McMahon simply bought out many promotions, such as Georgia Championship Wrestling. By aggressively headhunting star wrestlers, promising jobs to rival promoters, and paying well above market price for ownership stakes in rival outfits, McMahon was able to make significant inroads into regional markets across the country. The advent of Pay-Per-View was ultimately even more deadly. Cable spectaculars like "Wrestlemania" not only generated millions of dollars in revenues for McMahon; broadcast nationally, they trampled across the old dividing lines.

There were some formidable opponents, who might have managed to turn the tide against the WWF had they united. Instead, McMahon won that war, defeating every colorful peacock in his path, from the Carolina's Big Jim Crockett, to Minnesota's Verne Gagne, to, eventually, Atlanta's own Ted Turner.

Since the incorporation of Turner's WCW into the WWE in 2001 and the end of the "Monday Night Wars," there has been no serious competition in the world of pro wrestling. Unsurprisingly, this has not translated into greater prosperity for most wrestlers.

Requiem For An Independent Contractor

The evolution of pro wrestling's public image has put wrestlers in a bind. Vince McMahon is a white-collar sleazeball, but one with a bottomless supply of starch. A "leper with the most fingers," McMahon has a certain oily charm in spite of himself and can honestly say that he has taken bumps alongside his wrestlers. The inequities of the wrestling industry are not as stark as they were in the days of the NWA machine, when McMahon was promoting shows in northern Maine; they have been carefully massaged with all the skill the modern corporation can bring to bear upon a knot in the muscles.

Pro wrestling's greater visibility as cheesy adolescent fantasy tends to mitigate the public backlash the industry should receive each time another wrestler dies young. This very quality of mainstream disrespect has largely served the interests of a blood-soaked business.

If the NWA was a down-home cosa nostra of sorts, a twanging syndicate of hucksters in loud sport coats, McMahon was the slick corporate raider, a gorilla whose suit actually fit. McMahon doesn't speak like a good ole boy; he sounds like Mitt Romney. This is no coincidence. In its aggressive campaign against state regulation, dislocating terms of employment, and poisonous, often fatal working conditions, the WWE is a corporation only a Republican senator could love. "I'm an entrepreneur," McMahon deigned to inform Bob Costas. "I'm what makes this company, my company and this country, go round and round. I take risks."

Pro Wrestling's Greatest Angle Was Convincing Us It Doesn't Matter

Vince McMahon announces the formation of the doomed XFL.


Round and round. It's true. Like a true entrepreneur, Vince McMahon does take risks—usually with other people's lives, from lowly, forgotten jobbers like Charles Austin and Darren Drozdov, both of whom were paralyzed wrestling in WWF matches, to bona fide stars like Owen Hart, who died after falling seventy-eight feet out of a stunt harness and into one of Vince's rings. Whether you're low-status "enhancement talent," whose only job is to make the babyfaces look good, or wrestling royalty like the Hart family, all of Vince's wrestlers share one important commonality: they are not employees of World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. Rather, they are independent contractors, freely furnishing their services in an ostensibly voluntary arrangement with a corporation.

The orchestration of pro wrestling heavily depends on such apparently minor distinctions, on degrees, and feints. Take, for instance, the piledriver. Executed correctly by two working wrestlers, it is a safe move, a staple of the mat. Executed slightly incorrectly, it can lead to paralysis, death, or an injury of the sort which possibly shortened "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's career.

Another delicate maneuver: is a pro wrestling match a competition, or an exhibition? A seemingly minor distinction—but in the eighties, the money men of pro wrestling broke kayfabe, that code of silence safeguarding the industry's competitive integrity, to all but bellow at state lawmakers that the matches were predetermined, that the whole show was "fake."

Why? The benefits were compelling. If pro wrestling is just "entertainment," there is no need for regulatory scrutiny. By pushing through deregulation, with the help of sleazy right-wing lawyers like Rick Santorum, the WWF wriggled out of paying taxes on their TV broadcasts and sloughed off any oversight by state athletic commissions. In New Jersey, for instance, following the state legislature's 1989 deregulation of the industry, the state "would no longer license wrestlers, promoters, timekeepers and referees," and wrestlers "would no longer be required to take physical examinations before an exhibition"—a fateful dereliction in a business rife with injury.

The cultural consensus which continues to dominate this nation is that greed only exists for Cadillac-driving welfare queens and fatcat union bosses. It is never accounted as greedy, for instance, that the entire aim of three decades of dislocating economic policies has been to squeeze blood from a stone, depriving laborers of basic securities so as to legalize labor exploitation. So it is that wrestlers are never "employees"—but rather, independent contractors, who, like the wandering samurai of feudal Japan, or the noble free lances of 12th century England, face the strong likelihood of penury, injury, and an early death. As independent contractors, wrestlers must file state income tax returns in each state that they wrestle—an onerous task—as well as pay a punishing self-employment tax.

As attorney and academic Oliver Bateman writes, "most low-level performers and members of the female Diva division operate on short-term guaranteed contracts in the mid–five figures, out of which they must pay for their travel, food and lodging."

Despite their putative "contracts," the wrestlers can often be fired by the promotion at any time. The WWE does not pay into Social Security or unemployment insurance for the wrestlers and, in an industry in which late-life financial jeopardy is all too common, provides no pensions.

But the most immediately punishing consequence of this employment status is the lack of any form of company-paid health insurance. McMahon scoffs at this criticism, claiming "anyone who makes the kind of money that they make can easily afford their own healthcare," and that "most independent contractors have their own healthcare."

Just ask Bret "Hitman" Hart, five-time WWF champion and scion of the legendary "Hart Foundation." Hart seems like a good guy, a huge star widely respected for his abilities and professionalism, once shooting that "the real art of professional wrestling … is to never get hurt and never hurt anyone else."

But in 1989, in a Pay-Per-View match in London Arena, strongman Dino Bravo awkwardly slammed Hart into a fence, breaking his sternum and several ribs. Only seven weeks later, Hart was wrestling again. Hart, paying his own healthcare costs, later admitted to receiving only a couple hundred dollars a week from the WWF while he recuperated. With a wife and several children to support, Hart could not afford to rest any longer. Maybe that was the point; the only party Hart's rapid return benefitted was the WWF. In 2000, a concussion sustained at WCW Souled Out put Hart out of commission again—this time, for good.

Unlike many wrestlers, including some of his own relatives, Bret Hart has avoided the personal and professional pitfalls to which so many wrestlers succumb: drug addiction, serious injury, and premature death. English-born Davey Boy Smith did not. One of the physically strongest wrestlers ever employed by Vince McMahon, despite his relatively small stature, Davey and cousin Tom "Dynamite Kid" Billington constituted a legendary tag team dubbed "The British Bulldogs." As recounted by David Shoemaker in his bookThe Squared Circle, their fates would be nothing less than horrific.

In 1986, in a match against the Magnificent Muraco and Cowboy Bob Orton, Billington suffered a sudden, debilitating back injury. In the footage, Billington can be seen lying in agonizing pain for minutes until he is carried off, with no ringside doctor in sight. The match was not stopped, the unaware Orton and Muraco continuing to pound the prone Dynamite Kid. Billington kept wrestling for another decade, at times barely able to walk. Last year, Billington suffered a stroke, his heavy steroid use a contributing factor.

Smith's story was more bleak. Following a serious back injury at the 1998 WCW Fall Brawl, caused by a faulty trap door the wrestlers had not been warned about, Smith contracted a staph infection; he was released from his WCW contract via Fedex, as he lay in a hospital bed. He developed a dependence on prescription pain medication, a common condition for the pain-wracked wrestler, for whom sleep is sometimes impossible. In 2002, Smith was dead of a heart attack at age thirty-nine.

As recounted by Shoemaker, wrestler Bruce Hart squarely laid the blame for Smith's death on the demands of the business: "Davey paid the price with steroid cocktails and human growth hormones." This is not an anomaly. Following the deregulation of wrestling in Pennsylvania, McMahon nevertheless retained state-licensed ringside physician Dr. George Zahorian for matches in the state. Zahorian was best-known for lending wrestlers his prescription pad in the eighties to meet a staggering demand for steroids, with Hulk Hogan as his main client. The message was clear, at a time when Hulkamania and Jim "Ultimate Warrior" Hellwig were the WWF's main attractions: if you want to be a star, you need to get preposterously muscled—and if you want to get preposterously muscled, you'll want to hit the roids as much as the gym.

The specter of locker rooms awash with discarded needles eventually led to a blockbuster trial in which the federal government charged McMahon and Zahorian with drug trafficking. While McMahon narrowly avoided prison, Zahorian eventually admitted his complicity, arguing—perhaps not implausibly—that he felt it best to supply the WWF's wrestlers with a clean supply of steroids, as they would have sought the drugs elsewhere. Demand was just too high.

While steroid use has declined in the industry, or at least become less visible, the damage is still being felt; too many hearts have been broken, literally, by the regimen of human growth hormones, painkillers, cocaine, and grueling workouts, as the older generations of wrestlers continue to die at an appalling rate. McMahon evidently doesn't see that, laughing at the notion that steroids are "deleterious to your health," and going so far as to muse, "What is abuse of steroids? I don't know what that is. No one can tell you what that is … You can abuse sugar or any other substance or any other drug."

Sugar. Maybe so. Perhaps Chris Benoit had merely indulged in too many sugary snacks. How else to explain the strange case of Benoit, other than the extreme, and natural, conclusion of McMahon's three decade war on the senses? On the very night Benoit was to be crowned a World Heavyweight Champion by the WWE, a prize every wrestler tosses and turns at night dreaming about, the wrestler was running headlong into an inferno.

Over the course of the weekend, he strangled his wife, Nancy, then drugged and suffocated Daniel, his seven-year-old son. He sent vague texts to a few fellow wrestlers, excuses about missed flights and food poisoning. After placing a Bible next to each corpse, Benoit hanged himself using the pulleys of his home gym, the weights, in death as in life, providing the ballast.

The WWE's reaction was to immediately declaim any responsibility for Benoit's warped, murderous state of mind, and then to scrub him from wrestling history. This angle, in which pro wrestling had as much relationship to the bloodshed as an onlooker to a pile-up, was flagrantly dishonest. Benoit was well-known in the industry for taking hits from metal chairs to the back of the head, as well as for employing a particularly punishing diving headbutt move. The deadly effects of untreated concussions are now known to football fans – and yet, your average NFL player suits up, at most, maybe sixteen times a season. As Shoemaker notes, a wrestler does so perhaps two hundred times a year.

The result, as postmortem examination would show, was that at the time of his death, Benoit had the brain of an eighty-five-year-old Alzheimer's sufferer, with broad swathes of gray matter gone brown, indicating severe dementia. As if this were not enough, sports journalist Irv Muchnick notes that "Benoit's system had been so messed up by decades of anabolic steroid abuse that he was no longer producing enough male hormones on his own, and was being prescribed off-the-charts quantities of injectable testosterone." The horrific biological result of this, continues Muchnick, was that Benoit's postmortem toxological exam recorded fifty-nine times the level of testosterone as would be found in a normal adult male.

Nancy Benoit's sister would later state the medical examiner had confided that "Chris was on his way to death within 10 months," and that, like his late friend Eddie Guerrero, Benoit's heart "was huge, about 3 times normal size, and it was ready to blow up at any moment." This nightmarish physical specimen, a marriage of brain death and hormonal insanity, was once a wrestler.

Still, even this, as violent an apotheosis imaginable, was not enough to meaningfully change the business. The government's post-Benoit investigation of pro wrestling was derailed almost immediately, as McMahon and his Pupkinesque attorney, Jerry McDevitt, used their Capitol Hill invitation as an opportunity to testify about smiling, thespian talents, and Frank Deford's bowling shoes.

McMahon's skillful, unrepentant evasion of federal oversight is nothing new; it's as much a part of wrestling as the suplex or Irish whip. A 1957 column by Dan Parker, following a toothless, unenforced Justice Department consent agreement with the NWA, rings as true today as it did then: wrestling promotion is a confederacy of sleaze, and will remain that way until its demise:

The squareheads of the wrestling racket, whose brains tick like bombs when they meditate, ruminate or even mediate, as they did in this case, tacitly admitted their guilt when the Dept. of Justice accused them of operating a combination in restraint of trade by offering no defense … Using such weapons as the boycott, the blacklist and coercion, they bottled up the wrestling business for themselves, along with the television rights and control of the champions they made and unmade.

Even when the babyface prevails, the bad guy still wins.

Finishing Moves

The more afraid a wrestler is of his future, of his place in the sun, the more money a promoter makes. A wrestler enters the ring, to music, to a huge pop, to jeers. He wrestles, he struggles, he sells, he wins, he loses, clean in the middle—he does it again, and again—and then, someday, he doesn't, because he's dead. The heat a good wrestler can draw, working a crowd, only makes the silence that much more deafening.

It is hard to think of a laborer—outside of, perhaps, the sex industry—who better exhibits this rotten duality, of desirability and disposability, of being "warmly welcomed, always turned away," than a wrestler. It is no coincidence that the romance at the center of Darren Aronofsky's The Wrestler is between an aging wrestler and an aging stripper—each is "the truest representation of the wage-worker as portrayed by Marx":

Both Randy and Cassidy live on the fringes of society: they are employed in sectors which are regularly mocked and derided, and their personal lives, much like their physical bodies, are ravaged by scars … They have no means of income, no means of survival, nothing to sell but their bodies and the labour these bodies can produce. And so they sell them, for decades, and when their bodies are exhausted they are left in poverty.

Throughout history, pro wrestlers have been largely unable to bargain for their compensation or type of work; with no guaranteed income, of the sort generated by an equitable contract or official employment, most wrestlers have been happy to take what they can get. They are not alone, as almost any wrestling fan will already know, from the thousand cuts of daily life in a fugitive economy. Flux has been the name of the game for promoters, maximizing profits by keeping their labor market anxious, the wrestlers peripatetic, the next payoff uncertain. You may be swapped in if you're lucky, but when spent, you'll be swapped out.

The story of pro wrestling in the twentieth century is the story of American capitalism, filtered through a dreamy aspect, of gallant grapplers, of moustache-twirlers, of princesses and salt-throwers and masked spoilers. Kayfabe is a slinky thing, in what it masks: it's sheer enough to let us marks in on some of the fun, yet supple enough to obscure most of the human cost.

Ever since Frank Gotch defeated George "The Russian Lion" Hackenschmidt before 25,000 spectators, amid the Chicago stockyards and slaughterhouses, in a match that grossed $87,000 at the gate—in 1911—pro wrestling has been too lucrative for promoters to be fair to its labor. The official organs of the wrestling industry served like a particularly bruising temp agency, with no permanent employees, no solid ground to stand on—just badly paid tumbleweeds in tights, drinking beer and eating baloney sandwiches on an endless, meandering journey into the next turnbuckle.

They kept men in fear, of one another, and of what life had to offer. For all their physical expertise and technical repertoires, wrestlers could not contest their own fates.

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat," snarled Ultimate Warrior on "Monday Night Raw" in April, in a valedictory warm-up for his WWE Hall of Fame induction that same week. "His lungs breathe their final breath and if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit will be immortalized."

A day later, at age fifty-four, Jim "Ultimate Warrior" Hellwig was dead—a sudden, fatal heart attack of the sort which claims the lives of so many wrestlers in middle age. His speech was rendered weirdly haunting, speaking as it did for so many others. Hopefully, a career spent wrestling does resolve itself into something transcendent, and larger than life; life is not a commodity much apportioned to wrestlers.

"I'm telling you," confessed five-time NWA heavyweight champion Wahoo McDaniel in the last years of his life, as recorded by Shoemaker. "There's so many of them gone and died. A lot of my buddies have died … I don't know what it is."

Gone, gone, gone. They take to the wings and disappear.

Gorgeous George, the first celebrity heel, drank himself to death at age forty-eight, inhabiting the lowlight of a chicken farm. The mighty Andre the Giant was dead at forty-six, the strain of his gigantism too much for his heart. Road Warrior Hawk, Bam Bam Gordy, and Ray "Big Boss Man" Traylor, all noted heavies, all too died of heart attacks, all in their forties.

The fatal drug overdoses, too many to count—Brian Pillman, Brian "Crush" Adams, "Ravishing" Rick Rude, "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig, Louie Spicolli. Three of the Von Erich brothers killed themselves; a fourth, the star, David Von Erich, overdosed at the tender age of 25. Macho Man Randy Savage, and his lovely consort, the alluring Miss Elizabeth, are both dead; Miss Elizabeth's last boyfriend, Lex Luger, is partially paralyzed from a stroke. Dino Bravo was shot dead while watching hockey; his murder has never been solved. Chris Kanyon, the first WWE wrestler to come out as gay, sued McMahon over the "independent contractor" scam, fell out of work, and, suffering from bipolar depression, killed himself. Junkyard Dog fell asleep driving and crashed. Eddie Guerrero died of a heart attack at thirty-eight, so wracked by pain in his final bouts that he could barely wrestle. The list doesn't end.

Pro wrestling puts over its servants in ways they couldn't have imagined, but it seems like every pop is followed by a bump. Even the ringside talent isn't immune. Everyone pays a price. Legendary announcer Bobby "The Brain" Heenan was a master of pomposity, a half-clever buffoon, whose angle as anabsurdly grandiose, quick-witted weasel produced genuinely funny comedy. Heenan's antics—wailing in Andre the Giant's grip, hissing at the Hart family—was everything joyous about wrestling, a kinetic comedy of manners, in which the collision of two human beings could, for a few moments, take on some sort of grand dimension.

And now, Heenan cannot speak, robbed of his gift by throat cancer, his talents revoked before he dies. It's unfair, and it's maddening. The frustration with it all, with all the damage and waste and graft, brings to mind Heenan's sputtering objection when he was ostensibly fired on TV by wrestler Paul Orndorff. Unlike most discarded wrestling luminaries, Bobby fought back, jabbing his finger and standing on his toes: "I am a man of dignity! I am a man who deserves respect!"

It would be a good line to rally the misbegotten wrestlers, a battle cry for the real bout they need to contest. But then, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan was a comic heel. In pro wrestling, it's always been understood: dignity is strictly for punchlines.


Dan O'Sullivan's work has appeared in Gawker, Et Tu, Mr. Destructo? and American Circus. You can follow him here.

Many thanks to Tom Keiser, Bill Hanstock, and David Shoemaker for their invaluable assistance.

Meteorologists Did an Incredible Job Forecasting Hurricane Iselle

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Meteorologists Did an Incredible Job Forecasting Hurricane Iselle

Forecasters did a great job predicting the track of Hurricane Iselle as it headed towards Hawaii last week. Even almost a week out when the storm was a thousand miles from the Big Island, meteorologists had the hurricane's track pegged to within 30 miles of where it made landfall.

One of the mantras of weather forecasting is that it's still largely an inexact science, and that's especially true for hurricane forecasting. Last week I wrote an explainer demonstrating why the "cone of uncertainty" is the most important part of a hurricane forecast. In short, the cone is a visual representation of the margin of error in the prediction. The line going through the center of the cone shows where the forecaster expects the center of the storm to travel, and the cone shows where the center winds up 66% of the time based on the previous five years' average.

As uncertainty grows with time, so does the cone.

Hurricane Iselle was no different. Pretty early on it became clear that Iselle posed a serious threat to Hawaii. By Sunday, Iselle was about 1,000 miles away from Hawaii , and the country's fiftieth state entered the 5-day forecast window.

Meteorologists Did an Incredible Job Forecasting Hurricane Iselle

To demonstrate how sound the forecast track was, I used three of the earliest advisories that brought Hawaii into the storm's path — Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday — to show how close forecasters came Iselle's Thursday night landfall right on the money.

Meteorologists Did an Incredible Job Forecasting Hurricane Iselle

Sunday's forecast from the National Hurricane Center was the best, which is amazing because it was so far out. In the eastern Pacific basin, on average, the NHC predicts the location of the center of the storm at the five-day mark to within 212 miles of its actual location 66% of the time.

The NHC's forecast on Sunday, five full days before landfall, nailed the general location of Iselle's center to within 30 miles. That's incredible, especially that far out.

Advisories switched over to the Central Pacific Hurricane Center shortly thereafter, and their forecasts did pretty well. Monday went a little off the rails, falling about 85-90 miles away from where Iselle wound up hitting, but Tuesday brought it back to within 50 miles of the landfall location.

Of course, the elephant in the room is the hurricane's strength. Over the past 20 years, meteorologists have made great strides in dramatically improving hurricane track forecasting thanks to better algorithms in the weather models, but hurricane strength forecasting is a different beat entirely. Models can get a good idea of what storms will generally do, but when it comes down to fluctuations in wind speed, it can be tough to forecast even 6 or 12 hours before the storm changes.

Any number of things can affect a storm's strength, from dry air, ridges of high pressure, fronts, sudden thunderstorm development (or collapse), to interaction with cooler waters or even land. The forecasts didn't anticipate Iselle to suddenly restrengthen in the face of a huge onslaught of dry air a day or two before it hit Hawaii. Forecasters caught guff on social media for saying that Iselle would be a hurricane at landfall, when it weakened to a somewhat strong tropical storm with 60 MPH winds just before it hit the Big Island.

That change from 75 MPH to 60 MPH is relatively negligible, but it means the difference between a "hurricane" and a "tropical storm."

All in all, meteorologists at both the NHC and the CPHC did an incredible job forecasting this hurricane, even given the challenges of its fluctuating strength and speed, along with the uncertainty of how it would interact with Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa on the Big Island.

If you watched the national media (save for The Weather Channel, surprisingly), you got a completely different view of the storm. News networks kept billing Hurricane Iselle and Hurricane Julio, which followed a few hundred miles behind the former, as "double trouble" and "unprecedented" in the recorded history of Hawaii.

The only problem is that it became clear pretty early in the week that Julio would likely pass safely to Hawaii's north. The island chain stayed firmly in Julio's cone of uncertainty, but except for a brief period on Monday, the center was always forecast to safely move north of the state.

Those media outlets would have been okay had they explained the forecast a little more, but nuance isn't exactly their strongsuit. It was up to the public to do research on their own, finding out more information beyond the flawed "two hurricanes are about to slam Hawaii in a history-making event never before seen in human history" angle.

Forecasters did a great job predicting Iselle and the media didn't do a good job covering it. That's the story of pretty much every major weather event, these days.

Previously: Meteorologists Did an Incredible Job Forecasting This Week's Tornadoes (April 30, 2014)

[Top image via NASA, maps by the author]


You can follow the author on Twitter or send him an email.

The FBI Will Investigate the Shooting of Unarmed Teen Michael Brown

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The FBI Will Investigate the Shooting of Unarmed Teen Michael Brown

The FBI announced today that the agency has launched an investigation into the shooting of unarmed 18-year-old Michael Brown, who was killed in an altercation with Ferguson, Mo. police this past weekend. The probe, Special Agent Cheryl Mimura said, will investigate "a potential civil rights violation."

Details of Saturday's shooting remain disputed: Brown was walking home from a convenience store with a friend when they were allegedly ordered to stop by the officer. Dorian Johnson, who claims to have been with Brown at the time of the shooting, contends that when the two kept walking, the officer drew his weapon.

"He (the officer) shot again and once my friend felt that shot, he turned around and put his hands in the air," Johnson told KMOV. "He started to get down and the officer still approached with his weapon drawn and fired several more shots."

The New York Times, citing police, reports that the officer who engaged Brown and Johnson was "physically assaulted" before he fired, with an alleged struggle for the officer's gun ensuing.


http://gawker.com/missouri-community-outraged-after-unarmed-teen-shot-dea-1618987676

The St. Louis County Police Department, USA Today reports, has yet to comment on Johnson's version of events, but have announced their own narrative:

But on Sunday, Chief Jon Belmar said the incident started when a Ferguson officer encountered Brown and another male on the street near an apartment complex. One male pushed the officer into his police vehicle, Belmar said.

The men had a struggle inside the car, Belmar said, and at some point a man — it was unclear whether it was Brown — reached for the officer's weapon. One shot was fired inside the vehicle.

The fight moved outside the squad car and Brown suffered fatal gunshot wounds about 35 feet from the vehicle, Belmar said. The second person has not been arrested, and police are not sure whether he was armed.

http://gawker.com/anonymous-vows-action-over-shooting-death-of-unarmed-te-1619233440

"I understand that the public has a right to be skeptical, and I appreciate that and I would expect that the public be skeptical oftentimes of government or some forms of it," Chief Jon Belmar of the St. Louis County Police said at press conference today. "But I would also ask the public to be reasonable because it takes a long time to make sure we do this investigation the right way."

[Image via AP]

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