Damian Abraham, a guy who's best known as the singer of a band whose name makes the New York Times print funny stuff like this, will act as moderator in an upcoming Toronto mayoral debate. Canada rules.

The arts-and culture-centric discussion will take place at the city's TIFF Bell Lightbox cultural center next Monday, September 29. The Star reports:

Frontrunners John Tory and Olivia Chow have confirmed their attendance, organizers say, as have longshots Ari Goldkind and Morgan Baskin. Doug Ford has been invited but has not confirmed.

Abraham, an articulate medical marijuana user and advocate, has described himself as left-leaning.

Abraham, who performs under the name Pink Eyes, occasionally appears on the Fox News show Red Eye to offer a liberal, Canadian perspective on the issues. He's a smart dude. It's enough to make you wish Rob Ford were healthy enough to participate.

[Photo via Crustina/Flickr]

Forget everything you hear and read about today's astronomical significance, as today is not the first day of fall. Today marks the autumnal equinox. Fall began three weeks ago, and any other opinion is wrong.

The autumnal equinox occurs this evening a little after 10:30 PM Eastern Time, which is (you've got to take their word for it) the exact moment that the sun's rays are shining directly on the equator. After today and until the end of March, direct sunlight will shine in the southern hemisphere, warming up our friends below the equator through their spring and summer months. We, meanwhile, will continue our plunge into chilly bitterness while sipping on society's latest obsession with pumpkin spice.

This, my friends, marks the autumnal equinox. Today is not the first day of fall, nor is today equal parts day and night (no, that doesn't happen for most of the United States until Thursday or Friday). The most interesting factoid about the autumnal equinox is that after today, the sun will rise in the southeast and set in the southwest until the vernal equinox in March.

There are two seasons: meteorological and astronomical. Equinoxes and solstices mark the beginning (and end) of astronomical seasons. Meteorological seasons, on the other hand, begin on the first day of every third month, splitting the year into four seasons each three months long. Meteorological fall began on September 1, ending on November 30; meteorological winter begins on December 1 and stretches through February 20somethingth, and so on for spring and summer.

Most kids in the north begin school in September, and you never see "back to school" clip art with green trees and comical thermometers blowing their tops in front of a sunglassioed sun. It's always a kid wearing a coat running to a bus through leaves of different colors. Halloween candy and fall decorations (pumpkins, scarecrows, hay bales, decorative apple baskets) all suddenly appear in Walmart the day after Labor Day. All that pumpkin spice stuff began—surprise!—at the beginning of the month. The beginning of September is when we hit our figurative and literal sociological fall.

Not only do our societal quirks dictate that fall begins on the first of September, but meteorology and climatology do as well. Let's send regular readers into a meltdown and use New York City as an example. Below is a graph of average annual temperatures in Central Park for 1981-2010.

Here is what that graph looks like with astronomical seasons overlaid on top:

And here's what it looks like with meteorological summer overlaid:

It doesn't seem like 20 or 21 days makes a big difference in when the seasons start, but for average temperature trends in the mid-latitudes, it makes a huge difference. Meteorological seasons—starting at the first of the month instead of in its fourth week—better relate to the average temperature curve seen in most places in the United States. Spring starts as the temperature slowly but surely ticks up from chilly to comfortable. Summer starts on June 1 as we reach the hot hump in the year. Fall begins on September 1 just as we start our dip into cooler air, and winter on December 1 as we bottom out on the temperature curve.

Astronomical seasons are a mess when you try to use them to judge temperatures. If you follow to the earth's orbit for your seasons instead of the arbitrary man-made calendar, your summer begins about a week before your reach the hottest part of the year. That makes no sense.

Today is not the first day of fall, and neither is tomorrow (as most calendars suggest). Fall began three weeks ago. Today is just an astronomical road sign on our cosmic trip.

[Images: AP, xmACIS2]

On paper, Miss America 2015 Kira Kazantsev reads like a forward-thinking person's dream of what a beauty queen could be. She's a trilingual honors student who's publicly passionate about women's health and down to clown with Jimmy Kimmel; she's got a squeaky-clean image and a squeaky-clean resume. But it's missing one unflattering detail.

In late April 2013, Jezebel has learned, Kazantsev and a friend were both kicked out of the Alpha Phi sorority at Hofstra University on Long Island after hazing pledges. At the time, Kazantsev was serving as the sorority's head of recruitment.

Kazantsev is well-spoken, quick on her feet, and perky. She's the third consecutive Miss New York to win the title of Miss America, and she did with the added handicap of a hammy Anna Kendrick impression. In the days since she earned the crown, Kazantsev has diplomatically but firmly addressed the loud-mouthed buffoons who have taken issue with her past internship at Planned Parenthood, telling Cosmopolitan, "It was close to my university and I care about women's health. It's really important that teens know what resources are available to them and learn to be respectful of their bodies and other peoples' bodies."

Kazantsev's Miss New York press kit describes a daughter of Russian immigrants who is fluent in Spanish and Russian and maintained a 3.6 GPA while triple majoring in Political Science, Geography, and Global Studies at Hofstra. And under "leadership roles," listed right under a platform called "Love Shouldn't Hurt"—a timely and important advocacy push against domestic violence—you'll learn that Kazantsev served as "Alpha Phi Sorority New Member Educator and Recruitment Committee President."

After Kazantsev's win last week, neither the national Alpha Phi organization nor the Hofstra branch of Alpha Phi (Theta Mu) publicly acknowledged that one of their own had just won the most prestigious beauty pageant in the world; nor did the local chapter and national organization recognize Kazantsev's considerable achievement. The organization's affiliated foundation was also silent, despite the fact that pictures of Kazantsev participating in Alpha Phi events are all over Facebook.

According to a tipster close to Kazantsev, those omissions were no accident. After returning from her fall 2012 study abroad semester in Spain, Kazantsev began her term as Alpha Phi's Recruitment Committee President for the incoming pledges. Kazantsev and her best friend (another Alpha Phi sister who was also her roommate), our source says, were exceptionally harsh toward the pledges. (In the tipster's words, they made the recruits' lives "a living hell.") Under Kira's supervision, according to the source, pledges in the incoming class were called names, berated for their perceived physical flaws and imperfections, and made to perform physical tasks to the point of bruising and exhaustion—standard sorority pledge stuff paid forward by a person who our source says was herself brutally hazed upon entry into Alpha Phi.

Hofstra's attempts to control hazing predate Kazantsev's time in Alpha Phi. In an attempt to cull the campus's headline-making abuse (and the ensuing student health and PR nightmares that followed in its wake), Hofstra has been quick to act decisively in response to hazing. According to the University's code of conduct, hazing includes:

Any action or situation that recklessly or intentionally endangers mental or physical health or involves the forced consumption of liquor or drugs for the purpose of initiation into or affiliation with any organization.

Any other act or series of acts that cause or are likely to cause mental or physical harm or danger.

Mistreatment by playing stunts or practicing abusive, humiliating or ridiculous tricks that subject an individual to personal indignity, humiliation or ridicule.

Harassment by exacting unnecessary, disagreeable, or difficult work or harassment by banter, ridicule or criticism. Some examples of such prohibited activities are:

Abnormal or unusual dress holding the wearer up to ridicule, e.g., extraordinary headwear, costumes, underwear, body painting, etc.

Performing unusual or abnormal acts, e.g., dancing on tables, standing at attention, standing on windowsills, blindfolding, etc.

Excessive or unusual physical activities, e.g., crawling, duckwalk, push-ups, sit-ups, skipping, hopping, squatting, etc.

Verbal or written harassment or abuse, e.g., yelling, making demeaning remarks, etc.

Student leaders are told in no uncertain terms that if they're caught hazing, the entire frat or sorority risks being tossed off campus.

But just because rules exist doesn't mean they're followed, and socially-enforced silence among fraternity and sorority members has allowed remnants of a particularly nasty culture to flourish underground. A recent graduate who attended Hofstra at the same time as Kazantsev told Jezebel that the final two steps of pledging in one (unnamed) sorority involved making all of the pledges remove their underwear and sit on newspapers while the older members forced them to watch lesbian porn. Anyone whose newspaper stuck to them at the end of the video, the former student said, was branded a dyke, ridiculed, and tossed out. The remaining girls were then forced to perform oral sex on their sorority "big sisters." Other Greeks required pledges to sit in circles around bowls of cat food and other various inedibles. They'd take turns eating and as soon as someone threw up, they had to eat the puke. Another sorority would wrap completely naked pledges in tinfoil, take them to bars, and instruct them to dance until last call. Patrons would pull pieces of foil off, and pledges were considered sexually up for grabs.

These, of course, are extreme examples, and not necessarily attributed to Kazantsev's sorority. Students can be suspended from Greek life or removed from campus for much less, and for much more. In the last decade, more than a dozen college students have died while participating in the pledging process, and uncounted thousands have been hospitalized due to alcohol abuse encouraged as a routine part of many Greeks' hazing processes. But it's impossible for university officials to know what's going on if everyone keeps quiet.

When someone reported Kazantsev and her friend for "dirty pledging," Hofstra didn't turn a blind eye. After a months-long investigation into their actions, our source says, the pair was expelled from Alpha Phi in late 2013 and told they could no longer participate in any sorority activities, including the end-of-year formal. Kira and her bestie attended the formal, anyway, but had to sneak in with their dates.

FERPA rules prohibit university officials from discussing details of disciplinary cases publicly or divulging details of what specific behavior got Kazantsev booted, but when I called Hofstra University to look into allegations I described as relating to "a high-profile individual who was expelled from her sorority in late April 2013," the representative who spoke with me responded, "Was this person, by chance, in Atlantic City last Sunday night?" She then assured me that she'd tell me what she could, which amounted to very little, aside from that damningly leading hypothetical. Additional Hofstra students who were on campus at the same time as Kazantsev corroborated the story that Miss America had been kicked out of her sorority for behavior her University characterizes as abusive.

The Miss America organization was more forthcoming. When I reached out to them last week to ask them if they were aware of Kazantsev's hazing history, a kind and personable representative who seemed taken aback by the allegations told me that they'd get back to me with a statement. Hours later, a spokeswoman from the organization sent this statement:

Kira has been fully transparent with the MissAmerica Organization about her termination from the Alpha Phi sorority. It's unfortunate that this incident has been exploited to create a storyline that distracts from what we should be focusing on: Kira's impressive academic achievements at Hofstra University, including earning a triple major from the Honors College and her commitment to serving her community. Kira is an exceptional ambassador for the MissAmerica Organization, and we are excited to be a part of her journey as a force for good across our nation, promoting education and service and working to empower young women.

The Miss America and Miss New York organizations weren't exactly as "transparent" with the viewing public as they say Kazantsev was with them.

This news shouldn't serve to take down Kazantsev; if anything, it might even be an opportunity for her. Good people sometimes do bad things, and discussing how they happened, how they developed, and how to keep other good people from doing the same bad things could make some kind of dent in a collegiate culture of hazing abuse. Because—to adapt a quote from Kira Kazantsev's platform—sisterly love shouldn't hurt.

Image by Tara Jacoby and via Getty

John Lourenco, 53, appears to have been a part of an unprecedented number of arrests by Rhode Island police this month after he was cited with four DUIs in the space of 30 hours. Lourenco allegedly crashed four different vehicles while driving drunk, three into other vehicles and one into a tree.

According to the Providence Journal, he first crashed a Dodge pickup into an SUV, leaving two children riding in the backseat injured. Lourenco was then taken to the hospital, where he reportedly had to be placed in restraints after attempting to hurl a bottle of his own urine at hospital staff. He was released by police to his parents.

The next morning, at 7 a.m., the Journal reports, Lourenco crashed a Chevy sedan, later blowing a .220 on a breathalyzer test administered by police at the scene. After police charged him with drunk driving (again), he was released to his parents (again).

Just a few hours later, at 11 a.m., writes the Journal, Lourenco was pulled over by police for driving a Plymouth Barricuda erratically. He was taken to the hospital and completed a blood test before being released to the hospital staff's custody.

After leaving the hospital later that day, he got behind the wheel of his dump truck and crashed it into a tree. He was brought back to the hospital after sustaining minor injuries and completed another blood test.

The first three crashes occurred in Cumberland, RI, the final crash happening in Providence. Lourenco faces reckless driving, refusing a breathalyzer, driving under the influence, and no evidence of insurance charges. After being arraigned on the three Cumberland charges, the Journal reports, he was released on $25,000 bail. The Providence case will be adjudicated this week.

[H/T The Smoking Gun // Image via Shutterstock]

Kenan Thompson, the longest tenured black actor on Saturday Night Live in the show's history, will leave the sketch comedy show at the end of this current season, TMZ reports.

Thompson joined the show in 2003, and at the end of the upcoming season, he will leave the show with 12 seasons of SNL under his belt. Thompson was also SNL's first cast member to be born after 1975, the year the show premiered.

Sources close to SNL told TMZ that Thompson tried to leave the show last season but was asked by Lorne Michaels to stay on another year. From TMZ:

Our sources say he's in talks for a new show and plans on moving to L.A. (with his wife and brand new baby) when the season ends.

Thompson's last ever season premiere of SNL will be hosted by Chris Pratt.

[Image via AP]

It was an epic battle between crucifixes and deified baked goods vs. grape juice and dildos in Oklahoma City on Sunday night—and while it's unclear which side won in the fight over the "black mass", we know for certain that (as always happens when alleged adults engage in such fights) dignity and enlightenment once again went down to a crushing defeat.

The black mass—a satanic parody of the Catholic Eucharistic mass and easily the biggest religious event to hit the Sooner State since God almost called Orel Roberts home…but didn't—on Sunday evening at the Oklahoma City Civic Center's City Space Theater only drew a little bit less than half as many attendants as expected (out of 88 tickets sold, only about 42 people actually showed up), but still went off essentially without a hitch despite the protests of around 1,600 people gathered outside the city-owned facility to say prayers and sing songs in hopes that the Devil didn't come to Oklahoma.

A Civic Center employee telling an attendee that he needs a ticket to get in. pic.twitter.com/sG9W8FwglY

— Graham Lee Brewer (@grahambrewer) September 21, 2014

Convicted sex offender Adam Daniels and five other members of the group Dakhma of Angra Mainyu Syndicate—along with an unidentified metal band—entertained and educated the dozens in attendance about the history of the black mass, which he says started back in the 1300's by naughty Catholic priests and nuns, and to warn any disruptive elements in the crowd not to mess with his religious…thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, the dark lord himself. pic.twitter.com/5sE4VHIxIS

— Graham Lee Brewer (@grahambrewer) September 21, 2014

From the Oklahoman:

"If you're here to disrupt things, get out. If you don't like me and you don't like my background, get out. We're here to educate," he said. "Yes, we're anti-Catholic. Yes, we're anti-Christian in general, but that doesn't mean I don't respect each person as individuals so I expect that same respect."

According to the play-by-play of the event from the Oklahoman, Daniels—clad in a black robe—led his wife out to an altar, where she laid down on her back and spread her legs, which were bent at the knee. He then placed a chalice full of grape juice on the table between her legs, then took a piece of black bread (likely pumpernickel—easily the most evil of the common sandwich breads) which was supposed to symbolize Christ and stomped on it.

At this point, the story starts to remind me a bit of the time I saw a band called The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black at an awful Kansas City dive bar about 15 years ago. It was a great show—the highlight of which was when the mostly-naked lead singer started smashing eggs on her crotch and throwing the shells and yolk out into the crowd.

Or, there was also this other punk band out of San Francisco called The Insaints that…well…you'll just have to look them up for yourselves. It'd probably be best if you weren't at work when you did it, though.

Now THOSE are the bands Daniels should have got for this little shindig—natural-born shit-flinging hell-raisers, utterly unconcerned by public decency laws and the other conventions of civil society who would have given Oklahoma residents (both holy and unholy) all the honest-to-God high art filth and outrage they could ever hope to see in a single lifetime.

But alas, The Insaints broke-up and/or overdosed long ago and The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black must have had other plans on Sunday night because somebody just hit play on the theme from "The Exorcist" instead as the group paid homage to the Devil.

Again, from the Oklahoman:

"We call upon the Morning Star, Beelzebub, Lord of Regeneration, Angel of Destruction, Leviathan, Beast of Revelation, Demon of Lust ... and all the nameless and formless ones," Daniels said.

Shortly thereafter, one of the participants started waving a big rubber dildo at the audience, blessing them with "the symbol of the rod of life."

Meanwhile—as the satanists carried on with their pageant to things typically only imagined when ditch-weed smoking teenagers chug Dextromethorphan and play Iron Maiden albums backwards—a much larger crowd of nearly 1,600 had gathered outside to protest the black mass.

Many protesters brought their Bibles, signs and rosaries. This man brought something bigger. #blackmass @NewsOK pic.twitter.com/4qB8XKU1U7

— LeighAnne Manwarren (@leighannem1) September 21, 2014

The peaceful song and prayer protests were part of a curious effort by the Diocese of Oklahoma to publicize the black mass to the point where one might honestly wonder if both sides were actually working together to bring in their respective flocks.

Previous black mass events at the Civic Center actually drew ZERO attendees, yet rather than let that trend continue the diocese went out of their way to make sure that the event received way more media attention than ever before, essentially guaranteeing a sellout—even if only half the people who bought tickets showed up.

The buildup to the event reached a fever pitch when Oklahoma Archbishop Paul Coakley filed a lawsuit against the satanists to demand they return a consecrated Eucharistic Host—essentially a piece of prayed-over bread that Catholics believe turns into the actual body of Christ when eaten—that they claim had been stolen from the church.

Daniels denied that the bread was stolen, and that he had obtained it from a Catholic priest in a foreign country, but he eventually returned it to church officials to prevent further legal obstacles.

Coakley led a special prayer session prior to the Black Mass on Sunday afternoon for an overflow crowd of worshippers, saying that a war was being waged against the Devil—and now the Devil has his evil eyes on the largest city in Oklahoma.

"Your presence here today is a powerful witness of your faith in the midst of a challenging time for our community," Coakley told the faithful gathered at St. Francis of Assisi Catholic Church, the Oklahoman reports.

"Our city has been targeted by dark forces," he told the crowd.

But as evening fell, the songs and prayers faded away as the protesters finally wandered from the Civic Center and back to where they came. There were no open pits spitting forth curtains of brimstone and perdition's flames to be found, and nary a single cloven-hoofed demon could be seen dancing about the streets of downtown Oklahoma City—and from all reports, nobody seemed any more or less possessed than they were before the event took place.

So who won in the end? Did the devil get beat back by the prayers of the righteous, or did Jesus lose the hearts and minds of Oklahomans to Satan? Or should all the "adults" involved in this shit show to see who believes in the scarier monsters be a bit ashamed of themselves?

God only knows.

Image via YouTube

Facebook has always had a policy of requiring users to supply their real name on the site. Enforcement has been lax, but there's still a risk of getting caught. Here's how to fly under the radar if you need to.

It should be noted that what we're discussing is technically against Facebook policy. It doesn't break any laws to use a pseudonym online (at least in the US), but getting caught with a fake name can result in having your profile banned or deleted. Until Facebook changes its policies, this is the risk you run.

We also can't guarantee what kind of name you can use. We'll talk about the red flags and how to avoid them, but if you have a particular name (like a stage name or chosen name that's not yet made legal), we can't promise you'll get to use that specific one without getting flagged. Again, we're operating in the gray area of Facebook policy, so there's only so much that can be done without changes on Facebook's end.

Why You Might Want a Fake Name

There are a number of different reasons why you might want to use a fake name in spite of Facebook's policy. While Facebook does not have an option that accommodates these reasons, it's not hard to imagine why an exception might be made:

• You want to avoid a stalker. Using your real, legal name means you can be identified more easily. Whether you want to use a variant of your real name or a pseudonym altogether, avoiding your legal name also allows you to stay away from search results.
• You want to change your name, but can't legally do so yet. Changing your name to a chosen—rather than given—one is complex. In addition to being a legal adult (note: Facebook does not require users to be over 18), some states require you to have been a legal resident of the county and state for six months to apply.
• You want to distance yourself from a past relationship. Changing your surname upon getting married is fairly common. However, returning to an old name after a divorce is not always painless. While you may still be able to get it done, having your ex's name attached to your profile just because your license still says so can be emotionally troubling.
• You want to use a stage name or pseudonym. Members of the theater, transgender, drag queen, and plenty of other communities frequently employ stage names, assumed names, or some other form of alternative identity for their daily lives. While Facebook has a "Page" system that allows alternative names, they're severely limited for personal communication. Someone who goes by an alternative name in daily life may still prefer to be called by their assumed name even for a personal profile, regardless of what their ID says.

There are surely other reasons why someone might want to use a fake name, but it all tends to boil down to choice. And a lot of paperwork. The legal ability to change a name is not always as fluid as identity itself is, so it makes little sense for a social network to have the same legal requirements. At least not without a method of seeking an exception.

How Fake Names are Flagged and Targeted

First, it's helpful to discuss how fake names are flagged by Facebook's internal systems. There are several methods by which a name might send up red flags:

• Automated systems: Facebook has systems that crawl profiles, looking for fake names. While we don't know exactly what criteria they search for, something is looking. These computers likely catch many spammers and bot accounts that follow easily-defined patterns.
• User reports: Any user can flag another account as using a fake name. While this may not result in an immediate deactivation, it's at least reviewed by the last method of finding fake names.
• Facebook investigators: While this is likely a second-tier system designed to review the red flags from the previous two methods, an employee at Facebook can look at a profile, mark it as using a fake name, and have it pulled.

In short, we don't know exactly what criteria Facebook uses, but we can guess that it's some combination of automated systems and actual people looking for certain violations. We can use that to at least help understand how to avoid getting spotted.

How to Avoid Getting Red Flagged

The following tips are gathered from speaking with a number of people who use pseudonyms online (who, for obvious reasons, would like not to be named) as well as what can be reasonably inferred about Facebook's systems. Unfortunately, they don't fix any underlying issues with Facebook policy, but as a method of avoiding detection and getting your profile shut down, they should at least help somewhat.

Separate Out Public and Private Identities

Some people who use fake or stage names may do so because they have a public persona they want to maintain. Part of the reason Facebook is so strict about its fake name policy is because it believes you already have a method of using a stage name: a Page. While this is an extremely limited form of Facebook compared to a profile, it's useful for publicity.

If you're using a stage name, create a Page with the name you want to use in addition to your personal profile. Save the personal profile for people you know directly, are related to, or communicate with regularly. For your fans, events, and self-promotion, try to use the Page as much as possible. You can use Pages that have the same name as your private profile (I do), so this separation can help reduce red flags. Particularly because of the next reason.

Lock Down Your Privacy Settings

Put simply, increased exposure to people you don't know increases the chances that you will get red flagged by a user. If you have a couple thousand "friends" attached to your profile, there's no way to keep up with their reactions to things. For private, personal sharing, lock your profile down.

You can check out our guide here on how to keep your profile on lockdown. You can also use lists and per-post privacy settings to make sure that a particular post is only visible to the people you want to see it. If you have stalkers that are trying to locate you, making sure that all your posts and photos are only visible to specific people. That way, even if a stalker manages to find your profile, unless you give their profile explicit permission to see your posts, they won't.

Choose Your Name Carefully

If you're a public personality or you're choosing a specific name as a personal self-expression, this section may not be helpful to you, but it's at least worth knowing. For those creating fake identities to conceal their real ones, try to make names that sound typical without being outlandish or obviously fake.

"John Smith" is perhaps the most obvious-sounding fake name. By the same token, it's unlikely that a person's driver's license reads "Dudebro McFancybutt69". As a matter of policy (as well as pragmatism), Facebook will not ask you to prove your identity unless it's challenged. If a name sounds like something that would raise your eyebrow if you saw it on an official form of ID, it's probably not a good idea to use it as your Facebook name.

Avoid Behavior That's Likely to Get You Reported for Other Reasons

This is another tactic that may be a little unfair to you. However, if you're trying to avoid detection because of a fake name, it's probably not a good idea to post pictures of pornography or visit every one of your friend's profiles and trash their mother.

That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be on your best behavior all the time and never do anything controversial. It's more about knowing your audience. If you limit the number of people who can see your profile or posts, and you know that a particular list of people will appreciate your controversial artwork, by all means share it. However, if you have the entire congregation of your church added on Facebook, it may not be prudent to let them see your erotic drawings of the Muppets.

Reach Out to Facebook

Let's be completely honest: this is a raw deal for people who want to use pseudonyms. While arguments can be made about personal identity and self-expression, the fact remains that for some people, keeping your real name hidden is a matter of personal safety. And Facebook doesn't exactly have the best track record for consistent, reliable privacy settings.

That being the case, requesting that pseudonyms be allowed on Facebook officially is your best course of action. All of the above tips help you fly under the radar, but they don't fix the policy. You can find places to provide feedback to Facebook here.

Photos by Martin Poulter, David Goehring, and Marco Paköeningrat.

This is what dreams are made of: Hilary Duff is officially down to reprise her best (only) role as everyone's favorite middle school sensation Lizzie McGuire. Duff told the Huffington Post, "My schedule is a little busy right now. But um…why not?" Haha yeah she's super busy but you know, why not.

Duff added, "It was a really, really fun show. And obviously people loved her. Maybe a 'Lizzie: Where Are You Now?' like 10 years later." If Lizzie's life turned out anything like Hilary's, she's probably buying a nursing bra.

But what about the rest of the cast? Where are they now? Could this reunion really happen?

Eh, probably not. Friendzoned heartthrob Gordo (Adam Lamberg) is now listed as a "Business Person" on his Facebook fan page (97 likes). Miranda (Lalaine) didn't even sign on for The Lizzie McGuire Movie in 2003. Aaron Carter, who made a cameo as Lizzie's crush on one holiday episode in 2001, is 100 percent available to do the show and also get back together with Hilary Duff in real life.

So, like, whatever, Lizzie McGuire: 10 Years Later might still be one of those classic Lizzie McGuire cartoon daydreams. But if Hilary wanted to do a photo shoot recreating all her hairstyles from the show, that'd be cool.

Lizzie McGuire hair appreciation tweet pic.twitter.com/GwfiZ2AvFy

— Lizzie McGuire (@ImLizzieM) February 1, 2014

[Photo via Tumblr]

In this week's New Yorker, Alice Gregory puzzles over the future of tiny Bard College, from which (as she discloses in an oddly coy aside) she graduated five years ago. If you want to learn about the college, which is basically a precious hipster Marxist summer camp where 60 to 80 percent of the student body is high all the time, by all means, read the article. But you won't find any of the interesting stuff about the school's students. Instead, you'll find a propaganda piece about the school's eclectic president, Leon Botstein.

Leon (everyone calls him Leon) is a goofy, if not mythic, fellow. He is "Zeus," according to New Yorker contributor and Bard professor Daniel Mendelsohn (also of the many Bard professors who can be found in the New York Review of Books' contributors' list). As Gregory details, he speaks many languages, wears bow ties, loves rare music and has an extensive watch collection. Also, as he wrote in a 1999 op-ed in the aftermath of the Columbine shootings, he believes that high school should be abolished (he did not mention, let alone draw conclusions from, Simon's Rock College of Bard's own shooting incident). He was the youngest college president in America, and has been president of Bard for 40 years.

Bard is not exactly a personality cult, but a cult of the rarefied kind of person who thinks that an intellectual haven can exist in the woods of upstate New York and be divorced from reality and business. I attended the college for two years—because I was interested in its poetry program and I basically didn't get into any other schools—and I paid a fairly gross sum of money for that privilege. Bard is one of the most expensive schools in the nation, with a price tag of $64,000 (strangely, the article fails to mention this). I had one or two good classes, and not with any of Leon's carefully and expensively cultivated "celebrity" professors mentioned in the profile (the line to get into Chinua Achebe's class was always monstrously long).

Not to be all morbid or anything, but when Leon dies, Bard will perhaps die as well. This is the thematic concern of Gregory's profile, and perhaps the reason for its narrowness of focus. The school currently survives on Leon's affectations and the deep pockets of some of his friends, like George Soros. The college has almost no alumni support, because most of its alumni are not wealthy. People don't go to Bard to become rich. They go there because they didn't get into Brown, or because they are deluded and sheltered, or because they want to be an artist and make knitted teepees, or because they got a science fellowship (the school does all it can to attract more science students).

Alas, most college presidents are businesspeople. Leon, in turn, pretty much hates money:

Almost everything about the way Botstein has run Bard and raised money for it has put the place on the map. "Poverty made us great," he told me. "We had to invent a reason to command people's respect."

[...]

Botstein, who has accused other college presidents of doing nothing more than "running something that is somewhere between a faltering corporation and a hotel," seems genuinely baffled by what he sees as the financial conservatism of most well-endowed liberal-arts schools. "I'm a little mystified about what they do with their money," he said.

This may be an admirable stance for a college president to take, and one that endears him to a student body, no less his employees. But it is perhaps not the best stance for a leader of a viable business to take, especially as the cost of his school reaches criminal levels, and many of its students go into insane debt just to step onto its utopian grounds.

Despite Leon's disdain for the American dollar, the school is marketed quite cleverly and sells itself on the lean notion that academia, rather than blinged-out student centers, can satisfy the intellectual hunger of a budding proletariat. My work-study job was as a campus tour guide, and my pitch, delivered while walking backward, sounded eerily similar to Gregory's Bard rundown: Bard was different than Wesleyan or Hampshire or Vassar because it had Leon, and people like him; real, brilliant, flawed humans were operating the place. We all ate dinner together in the dining hall, sitting on the same crappy wooden chairs. Sometimes we had lectures outside, underneath a nice tree.

Like anything, it all sounds great until you remember how much it costs. Leon Botstein is no Jamie Dimon, but it's difficult to defend the mission of a school like Bard, which badly wants creative young people to "invest" $256,000 in its experience, only to wonder why none of those young people turn around to dump their spare coins in their coffers.

I transferred away from Bard, and the cult of it, after my sophomore year, to a state school in the South. It was a good decision. Did I miss the small, seminar-style classes? Learning from "some of the country's best-known thinkers and writers?" Walking among campus buildings designed by Frank Gehry, Robert Venturi, and Rafael Viñoly? No. In the end, going to school in ugly buildings with 50,000 other people was fine. Great, even.

I am still paying off my Bard debt.

[Photo of Leon Botstein via AP]

If you're going to burn a giant, 100-yard penis onto a football field at your high school, who are you going to ask to be your accomplice? Your cousin? The valedictorian of your class? A landscaping expert? No, asshole, your mom.

The Detroit Free Press reports that at Bedford High School in Temperance, Michigan, a mother and her 17-year-old daughter have been charged with malicious destruction of turf and soil after a giant penis was discovered on the field at the end of August, only two weeks before homecoming.

The unnamed mom and daughter deny any involvement in the case, saying that the mother didn't even step on the grass. But come on, guys, just own up. Making memories during mother-daughter bonding time—nothing wrong with that! In fact, it sounds kinda sweet.

That being said, after 2011's grassdick and another from early this year, maybe it's time to find a new thing to emblazon onto football fields with weed killer. Sound off in the comments with your suggestions.

[Image via Detroit Free Press]

So much of editing is matching a writer to a story: Tennis player and super fan David Foster Wallace on Roger Federer. Ex-Wall Street trader Michael Lewis on the financial crisis. And, now, in this week's New Yorker, deadbeat father and alleged ass-play aficionado Jeffrey Toobin on the right to control one's Google results.

In "Solace of Oblivion," Toobin explores the so-called "right to be forgotten"—the right, recently established in a European Court of Justice decision, "to prohibit Google from linking to items that were 'inadequate, irrelevant or no longer relevant, or excessive in relation to the purposes for which they were processed and in the light of the time that has elapsed.'"

A fascinating and pressing issue for us all. But especially for Toobin. The third result in a search of his name turns up a New York Daily News article called "CNN legal eagle Jeffrey Toobin in baby mama drama - with daughter of CBS News' Jeff Greenfield."http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/...

Toobin, Google will help you remember, was the defendant in a child-support battle with his mistress and baby mama, lawyer Casey Greenfield. The case was so acrimonious it inspired his ex to start a law firm dedicated to vicious family-law cases, as the New York Times explained in a lengthy profile, with links to coverage of the scandal.

Besides the Times and Daily News stories there was a great deal of other press, all freely available after a Google search. Right here on Gawker.com, even, there's "CNN Analyst Jeffrey Toobin Graciously Offered to Pay for Mistress' Abortion"—

—and my personal favorite, "Too Hot For Print: CNN Anchor Jeffrey Toobin's Rumored XXX Sex Fetish": "[W]e have heard from a tipster who asked to remain anonymous that multiple women alleged Toobin was into...anal sex and fisting, and had a bit of what could be deemed an "anal fixation[.]").

Ah. No wonder Toobin is so interested in the possibility of an American "right to be forgotten." Still, now that booty-eating is mainstream, who wouldn't want to be eternally memorialized in a corporate server farm as an ass-play visionary?

Elsewhere in this week's New Yorker, recent Bard graduate Alice Gregory surveys Bard.

[image via Getty]

In late 2012, Mark Zuckerberg dished out $10 million on a San Francisco vacation home one block away from Dolores Park. He has been driving his new neighbors insane with non-stop construction ever since.

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Zuckerberg has spent millions making the eight-figure "fixer-upper" fit the needs of your everyday billionaire. The chaos has left his Noe Valley neighbors feeling "under siege" for the past 17 months.

Zuckerberg secured ten separate building permits so that an estimated 40 to 50 contractors could build out everything from roof decks to a basement garage, featuring a car turntable so his fleet of vehicles "can get in and out more easily." And the CEO—ever conscious of people's privacy—had a massive mesh net fence erected around the property.

When we swung by the house earlier today, workers were just unloading equipment and checking their phones in the middle of the street. But neighbors tell the Chronicle that the construction has left the area with parking woes and constant noise filling the usually-quiet residential neighborhood:

Dozens of construction workers, using backhoes and jackhammers, are busy installing everything from a new kitchen to bathrooms and decks — and tearing up the sidewalks for new fiber-optic cables that will connect to the home.

And it's all being overseen by round-the-clock security.

"This is nothing short of a fortress," said one homeowner, who asked not to be named to avoid a public kerfuffle with the new Facebook neighbors.

Fed-up neighbors have taken their gripes to local politicians, including their district supervisor Scott Wiener. But those complaints have fallen of deaf ears, with Wiener reportedly "steering clear" of the growing noise on both sides of Zuck's privacy fence.

Have his neighbors considered organizing a Facebook group?http://valleywag.gawker.com/zuckerberg-qua...

To contact the author of this post, please email kevin@valleywag.com.

A truly brave human being saw something while riding the M train through Brooklyn, and decided to say something to Gothamist (with NSFW video): A depraved man decided to whip his dick out and masturbate on the train. He didn't do a very good job of concealing himself, either. The aspiring exhibitionist, however, is a little shy: he brings the show to a halt when the train reaches a stop. Gothamist has turned the video over to the NYPD.

[H/T Gothamist]

The Wire, formerly known at The Atlantic Wire, is shutting down, according to an internal memo obtained by Gawker. The breaking news site will be folded into the main site of The Atlantic magazine.

Co-presidents James Bennett and Bob Cohn sent the following message to staff on Monday afternoon:

All:

Important news on the digital front: In a couple of weeks, we will bring the staff of The Wire back into The Atlantic's fold. We are very proud of what The Wire has accomplished editorially, and we think that joining its aggressive, deft news coverage with The Atlantic's ideas-driven journalism will provide a richer experience for The Atlantic's readers, a firmer foundation for our ambitions to cover the news, and greater opportunities for growth for The Wire's team. This decision is also driven by a recognition that the business strategy behind separating The Wire from The Atlantic simply hasn't proven out. Experimenting with new revenue streams to support our journalism – like experimenting with new forms of reporting, storytelling, and distribution — has been essential to our progress across the ever-shifting media landscape; so too has moving quickly to face the facts, and to adjust, when an experiment isn't working as we'd hoped.

The Wire has repeatedly distinguished itself over the last five years with its coverage of breaking news, most recently, under Dashiell Bennett, with its work on the upheaval in Ferguson, Missouri and the MH17 airline disaster in Ukraine. We'll continue to foster that dedication to fast, intelligent coverage as we integrate The Wire team into The Atlantic. Loyal Wire readers will be glad to know that we'll continue to serve them by retaining The Wire's homepage, to curate news coverage from The Atlantic and other sources. We also intend to supercharge The Wire's social feeds as trustworthy news resources. The benefit to Atlantic readers is clear: enhanced news coverage across all our areas of focus. We plan to build a new module into The Atlantic's homepage to feature our freshest news headlines, and we will also circulate many of our news stories in the carousel, in addition to featuring them in the relevant channels.

The current Wire team will remain in New York while acquiring some new titles and reporting relationships as staff of TheAtlantic.com. Dash, working with Emily Epstein, will oversee The Atlantic's news team, which will include Russell Berman, Arit John, Adam Chandler, Polly Mosendz, and other players to be named later. The Entertainment team of Joe Reid and David Sims will now report to Spencer Kornhaber. The Wire's social media editor, Jake Swearingen, will report to Alexis Madrigal, who as you know is leading our overall social media strategy.

At news of the coming transition, John Gould's slumbering McKinsey reflexes have been roused. You'll be hearing shortly of his plans for cultural integration as we work to meld the two sites' sensibilities and their respective commitments to big ideas and to breaking news. We are looking forward to the result of this combination of forces, the next, very powerful version of TheAtlantic.com.

Allbest,

James and Bob

For the bulk of its existence, The Wire was edited by former Gawker editor Gabriel Snyder, who currently works at Bloomberg LP. Several employees of Gawker Media, including the author of this post, have written for The Wire as well.

A few years ago, ex-teen heartthrob Kirk Cameron went on Fox News as a pitchman for young-Earth creationism. Claiming there were no transitional fossils, he ridiculed evolution saying that, if it were true, we would have duck-crocodile hybrids. Ha, ha—oh, wait, scientists found a dinosaur that's half duck, half croc.

Cameron appeared as an "expert" on Fox News prior to the airing of an ABC Nightline segment, featuring footage of Cameron participating in a debate on the existence of God.

As Cameron explained:

"Nothing becoming something, blowing up in becoming an organized everything, just doesn't fit logic to me. Plus, Darwin said, in order to prove evolution, which is the number one alternative to God, you've got to be able to prove transitional forms—one animal transitioning into another—and all through the fossil record, we don't find one of these [holds up photoshopped photo], a crocoduck."

Cameron and fellow young-Earth creationist Ray Comfort went on to film this "mockumentary," featuring biologist "Richard Attensquirrel" in search of the elusive crocoduck in the "Swamps of Gopolapus."

But, while the YEC crowd was having fun with their new poster creature, crocoduck became a popular meme to highlight misconceptions about evolution. Richard Dawkins, who began sporting a crocoduck necktie, even devoted a segment of his book, The Greatest Show On Earth: The Evidence for Evolution, to the mythical chimera:

'Why doesn't the fossil record contain a fronkey?' Well, of course, monkeys are not descended from frogs. No sane evolutionist ever said they were, or that ducks are descended from crocodiles or vice versa. Monkeys and frogs share an ancestor, which certainly looked nothing like a frog and nothing like a monkey. Maybe it looked a bit like a salamander, and we do indeed have salamander-like fossils dating from the right time. But that is not the point. Every one of the millions of species of animals shares an ancestor with every other one. If your understanding of evolution is so warped that you think we should expect to see a fronkey and a crocoduck, you should also wax sarcastic about the absence of a doggypotamus and an elephanzee. Indeed, why limit yourself to mammals? Why not a kangaroach (intermediate between kangaroo and cockroach), or an octopard (intermediate between octopus and leopard)? There's an infinite number of animal names you can string together in that way.

Of course hippopotamuses are not descended from dogs, or vice versa. Chimpanzees are not descended from elephants or vice versa, just as monkeys are not descended from frogs. No modern species is descended from any other modern species (if we leave out very recent splits). Just as you can find fossils that approximate to the c ommon ancestor of a frog and a monkey, so you can find fossils that approximate to the common ancestor of elephants and chimpanzees.

But now, science has bestowed upon us the real-life equivalent of a crocoduck—a magnificent specimen that illustrates how evolution actually works.

"It was a chimera"

The real creature was a 50-foot dinosaur called Spinosaurus.

As an article in Smithsonian magazine explains:

What really makes Spinosaurus special are its unique adaptations that may have allowed the dinosaur to hunt underwater. Like crocodiles, Spinosaurus had a long narrow snout with nostrils mid-skull, perfect for submerging. It also had a second pair of openings, likely neurovascular slits that are also found in crocodiles. Spinosaurus had a long neck, like a heron or a stork… Its big feet had flat claws, a structure that may have been useful for paddling. Loosely connected tail bones could have allowed the animal to propel itself forward in water just like a fish, and its densely packed bones resemble those of a penguin.

"It was a chimera: half duck, half crocodile. We don't have anything alive that looks like this today," says study co-author Paul Sereno, a vertebrate paleontologist at the University of Chicago.

The article also notes that Spinosaurus's pelvis was small but attached to powerful, short legs, similar to the ancient ancestors of whales. Indeed, like whales, these dinosaurs probably evolved from land-dwelling ancestors to become semi-aquatic.

In fact, if Kirk Cameron and other YECs want to see several specimens of what a real transitional fossil looks like, they could visit Egypt, where a parched valley is home to whale skeletons dating back 37 million years, when the region was covered by a shallow, tropical sea:

The prehistoric specimens in the sand would offer clues to one of evolution's most nagging questions: how whales became whales in the first place. For these long-dead whales had feet.

"We had sometimes joked about walking whales," says Philip Gingerich, a University of Michigan paleontologist who discovered the dainty little appendages, complete with tiny toes, when working in Wadi Hitan ("The Valley of the Whales") in 1989. "When we found what we did in Egypt, we thought, 'That's not a joke anymore.'"

Scientists had long suspected that whales were terrestrial mammals that had eased into the ocean over millions of years, gradually losing their four legs. Modern whales, after all, have vestigial hind leg bones. But little in the fossil record illustrated the transition—until Gingerich began excavating Wadi Hitan's hundreds of whale fossils, finding legs and knees.

Gingerich speculates that whales' landlubber ancestors were deer- or pig-like scavengers living near the sea. About 55 million years ago, they started spending more time in the water, first eating dead fish along the shore, and then chasing prey in the shallows, and then wading deeper. As they did, some evolved traits that facilitated hunting in water. Over time—since they no longer had to bear their full body weight at sea—they got bigger, their backbones elongating and their rib cages broadening.

Back here in the 21st century, science bloggers are enjoying the irony that Kirk Cameron chose to ridicule evolution with the idea of a crocoduck. As James McGrath, a theologian who studies the intersection of religion and science put it, "And so I will admit it. I was wrong about the crocoduck – just as Kirk Cameron was wrong about evolution."

It's Premiere Week, where the TV networks debut a host of their new shows on an increasingly better-distracted American public. Few of these shows will succeed, plenty will fail, most will be forgotten. We don't need anymore "guides" to fall TV (except ours)—they all pretty much say the same thing, anyway. Watch Black-ish. Don't watch the Mysteries of Laura. (These are both correct statements.) So let's just get down to what we all really care about in our favorite TV shows: When are these hot people gonna fuck? Tapping into my endless, unimpeachable knowledge of television and based purely on their trailers and previews, I have 100 percent accurately predicted the nearly-exact moment when each of fall TV's main characters are likely to bone.

Gotham (premieres Monday, Sept. 22 at 8 p.m. on Fox)
What's it about? A "prequel" series to Batman, following officer James Gordon (Benjamin McKenzie) in the years leading up to Bruce Wayne becoming the dark knight.
Main couple? Well, if the show follows canon (LOL), Gordon should end up Barbara Kean (Erin Richards), who is supposed to end up his wife.
When they gonna bone, probably? A near-kiss in the season one finale turns into a full-on bone in the season two premiere.

Scorpion (premieres Monday, Sept. 22 at 9 p.m. on CBS)
What's it about? A ragtag team of hackers and geniuses, led by hacker and genius Walter O'Brien (Elyes Gabel), recruit Katherine McPhee to help them solve crimes.
Main couple? Walter and McPhee's character, Paige.
When they gonna bone, probably? May sweeps, season five. A recurring motif will be that while O'Brien is a nerd, he's a hot nerd, actually! But it's only apparent to everyone else in the show when he takes his shirt off.

Jane the Virgin (premieres Monday, Oct. 13 at 9 p.m. on the CW)
What's it about? An adaptation of Venezuelan telenovela Juana la Virgen, the eponymous Jane (a virgin!) is accidentally artificially inseminated during a doctor's visit.
Main couple? It's a love triangle from the get-go: she could fall for Michael (Brett Dier) or Raphael (Justin Baldoni), who is also the father of her child.
When they gonna bone, probably? Because the show's conceit is that Jane is a miraculous, accidental virgin mother, her eventual deflowering will be Special and Meaningful and a Big Moment. Season 3.

State of Affairs (premieres Monday, Nov. 17 at 10 p.m. on NBC)
What's it about? Katherine Heigl is an CIA analyst charged with briefing the president (Alfre Woodard) with latest crises facing the nation.
Main couple? None from the previews, though Katherine Heigl does apparently hook up with some guy in the pilot.
When they gonna bone, probably? Ostensibly lots of boning, based on Heigl's character actually herself as "a slob in her personal life" but "a total sniper in her professional one."

Forever (premieres Tuesday, Sept. 23 at 10 p.m. on ABC)
What's it about? Ioan Gruffudd is a brilliant New York City doctor who helps solve murders. Also, he's immortal.
Main couple? Gruffudd's Dr. Morgan and his partner, Detective Jo Martinez (Alana De La Garza).
When they gonna bone, probably? Season 4 finale. Their sexual union, however, will somehow compromise his immortality, making him mortal again. Like Angel.

Selfie (premieres Tuesday, Sept. 30 at 8 p.m. on ABC)
What's it about? A sort of modern-day My Fair Lady, but with...selfies.
Main couple? Karen Gillan's Eliza Dooley and John Cho's Henry Higgenbottam. (Yes.)
When they gonna bone, probably? If the show keeps with the plot of Pgymalion/My Fair Lady, the series finale. But given that it's set in 2014....episode 2?

Manhattan Love Story (premieres Tuesday, Sept. 30 at 8:30 p.m. on ABC)
What's it about? Dana (Analeigh Tipton) and Peter (Jake McDorman) are a new couple (or, will be a couple) in Manhattan. You can hear both of the their thoughts at all times.
Main couple? See above.
When they gonna bone, probably? Episode 7, thought by thought.

The Flash (premieres Tuesday, Oct. 7 at 9 p.m. on the CW)
What's it about? Based on the DC Comics character, technically a spinoff of the CW's Arrow.
Main couple? Flash (Grant Gustlin) and Iris West (Candice Patton).
When they gonna bone, probably? Season 3, in front of a fireplace.

Marry Me (premieres Tuesday, Oct. 14 at 9 p.m. on NBC)
What's it about? Annie (Casey Wilson) and Jake (Ken Marino) are getting married!
Main couple? See above.
When they gonna bone, probably? They're already boning! That was easy.

Red Band Society (premiered Sept. 17 on Fox)
What's it about? Centers on patients living in a hospital's pediatric ward. Octavia Spencer stars as Nurse Jackson.
Main couple? Hmmmm. The cast is mostly kids, but you don't cast Dave Annable as a doctor and not make him bone someone.
When they gonna bone, probably? TBD.

Black-ish (premieres Wednesday, Sept. 24 at 9:30 p.m. on ABC)
What's it about? A middle-class black family.
Main couple? Anthony Anderson and Tracee Ellis Ross are Dre and Rainbow Johnson.
When they gonna bone, probably? They have four kids, so the Johnsons have boned at least four times already, if not more, and will likely continue to bone.

The Mysteries of Laura (premiered Wednesday, Sept. 17 on NBC)
What's it about? Debra Messing is a detective and a mother to twins. It's a comedy?
Main couple? Her partner, Billy (Laz Alonso) or her soon-to-be-ex-husband, played by Josh Lucas.
When they gonna bone, probably? Sometime in season one, Laura will backslide and bone Lucas' character right before she signs the divorce papers. Her kids will walk in on them post-coital. She will be filled with regret and self-loathing.

Stalker (premieres Wednesday, Oct. 1 at 10 p.m. on CBS)
What's it about? Maggie Q and Dylan McDermott are cops who stop stalkers and are intense.
Main couple? Maggie Q and Dylan McDermott.
When they gonna bone, probably? This show might get cancelled right away....so maybe never. If it somehow lives, it will definitely be: hot, scary, and scary-hot.

How to Get Away With Murder (premieres Thursday, Sept. 25 at 10 p.m. on ABC)
What's it about? Viola Davis is a brilliant law professor who enlists her students to help her solve murder cases.
Main couple? It's a Shonda Rhimes show, so literally any two people could be a couple or working toward being a couple at any given moment.
When they gonna bone, probably? The pilot/always.

Bad Judge (premieres Thursday, Oct. 2 at 9 p.m. on NBC)
What's it about? Kate Walsh is a bad judge. The title works on multiple levels because she is bad at her job as a judge and she's a bad judge of her own character. Get it?
Main couple? Chuck's Ryan McPartlin was just cast as her fireman love interest, Billy. But Ryan Hansen is also supposed to be vying for Kate's attention.
When they gonna bone, probably? She'll bone Billy the fireman first and then Hansen in season 2 and brush it off as a "mistake."

A to Z (premieres Thursday, Oct. 2 at 9:30 p.m. on NBC)
What's it about? Andrew (Ben Feldman) and Zelda (Cristin Milioti) fall in love. "This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship, from A to Z," narrator Katey Segal tells us.
Main couple? See above.
When they gonna bone, probably? Episode 2. The entire concept of this show is for them to bone.

Gracepoint (premieres Thursday, Oct. 2 at 9 p.m. on Fox)
What's it about? American adaptation of great British murder mystery Broadchurch.
Main couple? David Tennant and Anna Gunn are the lead detectives on the case.
When they gonna bone, probably? In the British original, they don't bone, and it's never even implied that they ever would (also, Gunn's character is married...). But who knows! Maybe they'll change it.

The McCarthys (premieres Thursday, Oct. 30 at 9:30 p.m. on CBS)
What's it about? A cliché Boston family does and says cliché Boston things. Except! They have a gay son (Tyler Ritter, the late John Ritter's other son), who is the main character.
Main couple? A love interest hasn't been cast yet...
When they gonna bone, probably? Are gay people allowed to have sex on CBS?

Cristela (premieres Friday, Oct. 10 at 8:30 p.m. on ABC)
What's it about? Cristela (comedian Cristela Alonzo) takes a job as an unpaid intern at a law firm.
Main couple? No apparent love interest for Cristela, but they might try to make her fellow intern Josh (Andrew Leeds) her bone-mate-to-be.
When they gonna bone, probably? Season 4 on a drunken bender.

Constantine (premieres Friday, Oct. 24 at 10 p.m. on NBC)
What's it about? Based on the DC Comics series, about a magician (or something).
Main couple? Constantine apparently takes a lot of lovers (including some men), but the show's creators have decided to take some creative liberties with the series. Angélica Celaya was cast this summer as Zed, the only regular female cast member on the show.
When they gonna bone, probably? Who can even know!

Madam Secretary (premieres Sunday, Sept. 21 at 8 p.m. on CBS)
What's it about? Téa Leoni becomes the U.S. Secretary of State.
Main couple? Tim Daly plays her husband.
When they gonna bone, probably? You know they're boning already (also, they have two kids). But this new job is going to put a strain on their boning. There'll probably be an affair storyline at some point. Maybe they'll get divorced. Maybe Téa Leoni will bone someone who is not Tim Daly.

Mulaney (premieres Sunday, Oct. 5 at 9:30 p.m. on Fox)
What's it about? John Mulaney is a standup comic trying to be funny in New York City. Someone said it's supposed be in the guise of Seinfeld.
Main couple? Mulaney and fellow ex-SNL-er Nasim Padrad, who plays Jane.
When they gonna bone, probably? Season 2. Fox sitcoms with similar two attractive people thrown-together plots (New Girl, Mindy Project) being our guide.

[Illustration by Tara Jacoby]

The man who managed to jump the fence and run into the White House Friday night had 800 rounds of ammunition in boxes and magazines, two hatchets, and a machete in his car, a federal prosecutor said today. The prosecutor also noted that the man, 42-year-old veteran Omar Jose Gonzalez, was arrested in July with a sniper rifle and a map marking the White House.

In August, Gonzalez was stopped while walking past the White House carrying a hatchet. Here's video of his Friday night run:

Gonzalez appeared in court today on one charge of unlawfully entering a restricted building or grounds while carrying a deadly or dangerous weapon. The prosecutor told the judge he believes Gonzalez is "a danger to the president." The judge ordered Gonzalez to be detained.

[Photo via AP]

For Advertising Week 2014, join Mo Rocca and a bunch of ad executives for "Leveraging the Laugh"—because "Increasingly, brands are breaking through the fray to deliver serious messages, even matters of life and death, with humor." Mo Rocca is not funny and strikes me as evil.

For the time being, at least, 50-something Ronald Thompson can return to his hobby of "snapping pictures of small children in their swimsuits underwater, without parental permission, at a San Antonio Water Park," because a state court has overturned the law that said he couldn't.

According to VICE, the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals' 8-1 decision last week invalidates as unconstitutional a state law that barred unauthorized photography or video-recording with "intent to arouse or gratify the sexual desire of any person," making "creepshots" completely legal:

In penning the decision, Presiding Judge Sharon Keller, opined: "The camera is essentially the photographer's pen and paintbrush. … A person's purposeful creation of photographs and visual recordings is entitled to the same First Amendment protection as the photographs and visual recordings themselves."...

The Court of Criminal Appeals said that while so-called "upskirting" is intolerable, nefarious intent cannot be proven, and even attempting to police it could lead to Orwellian overreach.

"Protecting someone who appears in public from being the object of sexual thoughts seems to be the sort of 'paternalistic interest in regulating the defendant's mind' that the First Amendment was designed to guard against," Keller wrote.

Lawyers for Thompson, whose conviction appeal was the occasion for the ruling, successfully argued that the law as written would apply to the "street photographer, the entertainment reporter, patrons of the arts, attendees to a parade or a pep-rally, [and] even the harmless eccentric." Which certainly makes it sound like a bad law, even if it has a good aim.

[Photo credit: Shutterstock]

A New Jersey cop has baffled news networks around the nation by crashing into a Dunkin Donuts.

Many sources failed to understand how this possibly could happen. It was "unclear at this point how the vehicle crashed into the store," NJ.com wondered on Friday after the Berlin, NJ incident.

Local NBC Philadelphia revealed that the police officer collided with another car and summarily plowed into the Dunkin.

The police officer suffered minor injuries. The other driver was fine, though the store suffered structural damage.

Photo Credit: NBC Philadelphia