After news broke yesterday that Jasmine Tridevil, 21, of Tampa had allegedly paid $20,000 to have a third boob implanted on her chest to make herself "unattractive to men," we've heard whispers in the wind (and read stories) that this Third Boob is a stunt, a hoax. It very well might be. http://gawker.com/woman-gets-thi...

Professional debunkers Snopes has classified Tridevil's third boob story as "FALSE," largely because almost all of the alleged evidence (photo, video) is coming directly from Tridevil herself: No family members or friends have confirmed the surgery first-hand. And Tridevil claims the doctor who performed the surgery forced her to sign a non-disclosure agreement, conveniently making his or her testimony unattainable. They point out that in this YouTube video posted to her page, Tridevil's alleged third boob is a different skin tone then the rest of her body.

Trivdevil granted an exclusive interview with WTSP last night, where she briefly flashed all three of her breasts. When the reporter asked for another, longer look, Tridevil declined, telling the reporter, "I'm not ready to do that right now because it's in episode six of my show."

Yes, Tridevil purports to be self-producing a reality series she hopes will be picked up by a television network. Fitting, because according to the snoops at Snopes, this apparently isn't the first time Tridevil has tried to turn herself into a star. Well, a woman claiming to be Jasmine Tridevil, at least: jasminetridevil.com, which has since expired, was registered to a Alisha Hessler, one who bears a striking resemblance to a Tampa massage therapist that has had brushes with viral fame before.

Last year, Hessler allegedly made the man who beat her wear a dunce cap and hold a sign reading "I BEAT WOMEN, HONK IF I'M A SCUMBAG" in a busy intersection. Police made multiple attempts to follow up with Hessler about the incident, but she apparently refused all the calls.

And in March of 2013, Snopes reports, Hessler was booked in Tampa on a fraudulent use of personal information charge.

Doctors have confirmed that no surgeon in their right mind would allow this surgery to ever happen, namely because Tridevil/Hessler's case raises mental health red flags. Nilesh Sojitra of the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons told BuzzFeed:

This is a clear case of a patient who should not have had surgery performed on her. Someone making this kind of request may have body dysmorphia disorder, or not have thought through the long-term consequences of such a surgery – she will now be scarred for life – and may have benefited from psychological evaluation rather than surgery. Additionally, the actions of the surgeon are unethical and they have acted in a way where no reasonable plastic surgeon would.

And Dr. Dan Greenwald of Bayshore Plastic Surgery told WTSP, "I think its very extreme, and that leads me to wonder why she needs this attention. Is there some instability? Is there something psychologically lacking or out of balance for this person."

So it would appear unlikely that the Third Boob is real. That is the "truth." But the truth is, we all have a third boob—our hearts. It beats when you believe in yourself. It beats when you chase your dreams. So while this Third Boob might just be a Halloween costume prosthetic used to hop on the easily started viral joy ride, the Third Boob in all of us beats on.

[Image via WTSP]

Elyjuh René walked into The Voice wearing braces, a shirt that matched his mom's, and some sort of magical heart-stealing apparatus that makes you want to quit your job, become his best friend, and just sit sit around all day singing Beyoncé songs together. Maybe some Diana Ross, too!

I love him, I love his entire family, I could sit around for hours and listen to the way he sings the word "EveryTHORNG!" (OK, technically maybe I HAVE actually sat around for hours listening to the way he sings the word "EveryTHORNG!") And in three years when he's on Drag Race we're all going to love him even more, if such a thing is possible. Adam Levine and new coach Pharrell Williams duked it out to have Elyjuh on their teams, and because Elyjuh is no dummy he picked Pharrell. If there's a God, I feel like He is really happy about this turn of events.

Other standouts on The Voice premiere episode included working musician and hunky dreamboat James David Carter, whom all of the judges wanted to bone a lot before even looking at him, and then wanted to bone very acutely after turning their chairs. Or maybe that's just me projecting? I enjoy a solidly built fellow in a plaid shirt who can croon off your underthings.

SIGH! SWOON! James chose to be on Blake Shelton's team, which was a foregone conclusion once we saw video footage of him performing in front of an American flag.

Other successful auditioners were as such:

• Luke Wade, who was such an amazing soul singer that he shocked everyone by being white. He got shot in the eye by a paintball in his youth, and now has a very cool looking but non-functioning eye. All of the judges turned for him, and he went with Team Pharrell because Justin Timberlake.
• Clara Hong, who won me over by singing "Chuck E.'s in Love." I hope Rickie Lee Jones got mad royalties for that. Everyone but Blake turned for Clara's sultry tone, and she went with Adam because he wrote her a poem.
• Bryana Salaz, who is only 16 and sang Ariana Grande. Everyone but Pharrell turned for her, and she chose new judge Gwen Stefani after Blake expressed confusion at what a "boo" is.
• Damien, who is a TSA agent at LAX. One of his co-workers was killed in last year's LAX shooting, and Damien sang at the funeral. He gave me and all the judges chills by singing "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday," and seems like a lovely and wonderful and excessively talented person. All the judges turned for him, and after Blake "hilariously" expounded upon how his favorite pocketknife was confiscated by TSA in Nashville, Damien chose to join Team Adam.
• Allison Bray, who appears to be a low(er)-rent Jessica Simpson and was rejected from the show last season. She's country, and made a wise choice by singing Kasey Musgraves. Team Blake, obvs.
• Taylor John Williams, who did a folk version of Kanye's "Heartless" and is adorable. He chose Team Gwen, because somebody has to.

And then there were the folks who bravely faced harsh, soul-crushing, very public rejection:

• Dennis Bell, a 52 year old country singer from Louisiana who gave up a promising singing career to take over the family business. This was the first stage he's been on in 22 years, and the nerves clearly got him. Which is why if you're rusty you should MAYBE try hitting an open mic en route to your appearance on major network TV.
• Megg, who REALLY wanted to be on Team Gwen but turned no chairs with her shouty version of "Celebrity Skin." Gwen called her cute, which was probably not much consolation.
• Bianca Espinal, who comes from New York City and had a great story about busking in the subway with her janitor dad, but then made two big mistakes: a) singing Jewel's "Foolish Games," b) poorly. Pharrell gave her some good advice about singing for yourself and feeling it, as well as a hug. That hug was powerful enough to momentarily make her forget the incineration of her hopes and dreams.

Thankfully, we got the worst vocal performance of the night over with early on:

So who was your favorite? (This is kind of a rhetorical question since I know it was Elyjuh, but please just confirm in the comments anyway.)

[ Videos via NBC]

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Follow @GawkerMA and read more about it here.

The next time Snapchat's fratty young master puts his loafers in his maw, his newest hire will be there to assist: Jill Hazelbaker is the app's new communications director, and she has a penchant for internet gaffes herself.

Back in 2006, when Evan Spiegel was 16 and nobody knew the word "app," Hazelbaker was working as a political operator for Thomas Kean Jr., a republican senate candidate from New Jersey (she later ran comms for the McCain campaign). It wasn't a pretty race, and the New York Times covered one particular bout in detail: New Jersey democrats accused Hazelbaker of an online astroturfing campaign, writing pseudonomyous comments on a dem-friendly blog that smeared Kean's opponent:

Ms. Hazelbaker called the accusations "nonsense," and said neither she nor anyone else she knows of in the office had anything to do with the postings. "I've never e-mailed them nor posted on the Web site," she said on Wednesday. "It's a blog. You can't believe what's posted on blogs." She declined to make Mr. Kean available to discuss the matter.

The Kean campaign's technical adviser said that the Internet protocol, or I.P., address that linked the posts to the Kean headquarters was an old one, "from over a month ago." But an e-mail message Ms. Hazelbaker sent to a reporter on Wednesday shares the same I.P. address.

Maybe Spiegal and Hazelbaker can exchange tips on how to most effectively fuck up email correspondence.

Gilchrist County, Fla. police have released the 911 call made by Don Spirit the night he shot and killed his daughter and his six grandchildren in their home in the small town of Bell last Thursday evening. "I just shot my daughter and shot all my grandkids and I'll be sitting on my step, and when you get here, I'm going to shoot myself," Don Spirit said on the call. "Every one of them are dead." Briefly after speaking with police, Spirit turned the gun on himself.

As the Orlando Sentinel reports, police also revealed today that Spirit committed the shootings with a .45-caliber handgun—a violation of Florida law that prohibits felons from owning firearms. Spirit served three years in prison after he accidentally shot and killed his 11-year-old son during a hunting trip in 2001.

The 911 call was released a day after the Miami Herald reported that the Florida Department of Children and Families had been investigating the family, and had been called to the home just two weeks before the shooting:

On Monday, DCF administrators released records to the Miami Herald suggesting the family had a long history of failed child protection efforts. Allegations concerning Spirit's parenting ran the gamut: drug abuse, medical neglect, poor supervision of her children, and domestic violence, including fights with her father. Don Spirit had a DCF history also, including an allegation of "the physical abuse of his grandchildren." Don Spirit, DCF was told, "hit one of them with a belt, which resulted in bruising."

Spirit, 51, shot and killed his daughter, Sarah Spirit, 28, and his six grandchildren: Alana Stewart, 2 months; Brandon Stewart, 4; Destiny Stewart, who would have turned 6 on Saturday; Johnathan Kuhlmann, 8; Kylie Kuhlmann, 9, and Kaleb Kuhlmann, 11.

[Image via AP]

Nothing is more American than an enormous refrigerator, or dishwasher, an energy-guzzling monstrosity performing the basic service of making our lives a little easier, because we. Are. Americans. Is it time to panic over the decline in the American way of appliances?

Yes, in my professional opinion, it is time to panic, because any change is strange and threatening to us, a simple people. I am sad to report to you that decline may be coming for your big old American fridges, the ones full of "RC" brand cola beverages and mold-encrusted Tupperware containers. Businessweek notes that both GE and Siemens have sold off their appliance divisions recently. Not enough profits! In the past ten years, sales of major appliances in the US have dropped by almost one fourth. What is going on America??? Too good for washers, dryers, dishwashers, and enormous refrigerators now? Yeah right! Can we please blame the usual suspects, here? From BW:

Appliance sales are hugely reliant on the economy at large. If recent college grads don't get jobs and new houses, they probably won't buy new washing machines. Low rates of household formation give a huge advantage to a cheaper brand: Mom & Dad's Appliances. For those who are already living on their own, a fancy new dishwasher is easy to pass up when the household budget gets tight.

MILLENNIALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSS!!!!! [Shaking fist at u kids]

If our young generation will not purchase millions of Electrolux dishwashers then the U.S. government must.

[Photo: Flickr]

As U.S. bombs fell in Syria for the first time last night, the "official spokesman of the Islamic State of Iraq and Sham" reportedly released a far-ranging 11-page message to its fighters, American opponents, and Muslims worldwide. It makes a tough read, unless you've got a glossary handy.

Here is a list of salient terms and phrases that spokesman Shaykh Abū Muhammad Al-'Adnānī Ash-Shāmī is credited with using in the speech, "Indeed Your Lord Is Ever Watchful," which appears to be a pretty detailed explication of ISIS' philosophy and aims.

"Dangerous condition."

A deplorable state of crisis of faith in which a Muslim hesitates to kill or spit upon a non-Muslim. Ex.:

If you are not able to find an IED or a bullet, then single out the disbelieving American, Frenchman, or any of their allies. Smash his head with a rock, or slaughter him with a knife, or run him over with your car, or throw him down from a high place, or choke him, or poison him. Do not lack. Do not be contemptible. Let your slogan be, "May I not be saved if the cross worshipper and taghūt (ruler ruling by manmade laws) patron survives." If you are unable to do so, then burn his home, car, or business. Or destroy his crops. If you are unable to do so, then spit in his face. If your self refuses to do so, while your brothers are being bombarded and killed, and while their blood and wealth everywhere is deemed lawful by their enemies, then review your religion. You are in a dangerous condition because the religion cannot be established without walā' and barā'.

Decapitation.

What Iraqi Sunni Muslims should do to their children if they join the pro-American "sahwa" militias. Ex.:

So prevent your sons, and whoever of them refuses to listen, let him not blame anyone but himself if there comes to him a day in which he digs his grave with his own hands, his head is cut off, and his house is demolished.

Disbeliever, blood of a.

The basis for killing in ISIS's theological militancy. Ex.:

If you can kill a disbelieving American or European—especially the spiteful and filthy French—or an Australian, or a Canadian, or any other disbeliever from the disbelievers waging war, including the citizens of the countries that entered into a coalition against the Islamic State, then rely upon Allah, and kill him in any manner or way however it may be. Do not ask for anyone's advice and do not seek anyone's verdict. Kill the disbeliever whether he is civilian or military, for they have the same ruling.

Both of them are disbelievers. Both of them are considered to be waging war [the civilian by belonging to a state waging war against the Muslims]. Both of their blood and wealth is legal for you to destroy, for blood does not become illegal or legal to spill by the clothes being worn… Blood becomes legal to spill through disbelief...

"Exalted."

A name for the one true God of the Islamic State. Ex.:

We will conquer your Rome, break your crosses, and enslave your women, by the permission of Allah, the Exalted.

[Also acceptable: #exalted]

"Guardians of the jews."

Soldiers of the regime of Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad. See also: "Nusayrī (alawite) dogs." Ex.:

… exposing the reality of the farce of having destroyed chemical weapons belonging to its nusayrī (alawite) dogs, the guardians of the jews.

"Guards of the jews."

Egyptians. See also: "Pharoah." Ex.:

Let us not forget before ending to praise our mujahidin brothers in the bold Sinai Peninsula, for hope has emerged in Egypt and good news has loomed with their blessed operations against the guards of the jews, the soldiers of Sisi, the new Pharaoh of Egypt.

"Guard dogs for the jews."

Saudi allies of the U.S. Ex.:

So pay attention, O Sunnis. For the army that they have decided to prepare today by Āl Salūl (the Saudis) is nothing more than a new set of guard dogs for the jews, and a stick in the hands of the crusaders to be used against Islam and the mujahidin.

Islamic State, enemies of.

See: "the jews, crusaders, rāfidah, nusayriyyah, hindus, atheists, and apostates, in Palestine, Yemen, Syria, Iraq, Egypt, Tunisia, Libya, Burma, Nigeria, Somalia, Afghanistan, Indonesia, India, China, the Caucasus, and elsewhere."

"Loot."

Reward for killing of non-Muslims. Ex.:

And Allah's Messenger (blessings and peace be upon him) said, "The disbeliever and his killer will never gather in Hellfire." And he said, "Whoever kills a disbeliever, then he can have his loot [which is on his person]."

"Mule of the jews."

President Obama. Ex.:

And O Obama, O mule of the jews. You are vile. You are vile. You are vile. And you will be disappointed, Obama… Have you not realized, O mule of the jews, that the battle cannot be decided from the air at all?

"Nusayrī (alawite) dogs."

See: "Guardians of the jews."

"O crusaders."

Americans and their Western allies. Ex.:

O crusaders, you have realized the threat of the Islamic State, but you have not become aware of the cure, and you will not discover the cure because there is no cure.

Phallus, implied.

Metaphor used by all armies. Ex.:

Then know that our knife is sharp and hard. It cuts off the hands and strikes the necks.

"Uncircumcised old geezer."

Secretary of State John Kerry. Ex.:

Likewise Iran, as it emerged that it had allied itself with its "great Satan," when the uncircumcised old geezer, Kerry, recently declared that Iran had a role in the war against the Islamic State.

and

To the extent that Kerry, the uncircumcised old geezer, suddenly became an Islamic jurist, issuing a verdict to the people that the Islamic State was distorting Islam, that what it was doing was against Islamic teachings, and that the Islamic State was an enemy of Islam.

"Your agents and dogs."

Allies in the region, particularly elements of the Free Syrian Army. Ex.:

Send arms and equipment to your agents and dogs. Prepare them with the most modern equipment. Send them very much, for it will end up as war booty in our hands by Allah's permission. You will spend it, then it will be a source of regret for you, then you will be defeated.

[Screenshot via]

Dale Decker is a man who says he orgasms in his pants over 100 times per day. As he and his wife explain in the video below, this is a horrible affliction that makes it impossible for him to live any semblance of a normal life. But there is something we must all admit about Dale Decker's story: its tragedy is sadly, pitifully, and undeniably funny.

Here is Decker, who began to suffer from persistent genital arousal disorder after slipping a disc in his back a few years, talking about his most shameful moment:

"Imagine being on your knees at your father's funeral beside his casket—saying goodbye to him and then you have nine orgasms right there."

This sounds unimaginable, but we also must acknowledge that Will Ferrell couldn't write better slapstick.

[video via Barcroft Media]

Last Wednesday, singer and definitely not a cat that body-switched with her human master (Taylor Swift) Taylor Swift was photographed quitting her beautiful New York City penthouse of horrors with her new cat Olivia Benson carried en plein air.

This morning—less than a week later—it happened again.

Taylor Swift in NYC with Olivia today! pic.twitter.com/h6KJ3YOKea

— Taylor Swift Photos (@tswiftphotos) September 23, 2014

As anyone who has ever chatted with a cat can attest, these beasts are not known for their love of being toted by their tummies from place to place.

There are not many private or publicly owned businesses in New York City where an unleashed animal would be welcome.

Three hundred-some-odd years ago in Swift's beloved New England, an unmarried woman so often seen in the presence of a nude cat would have been hanged by the neck until dead as punishment for her magical crimes.

Earlier this year, Swift was photographed removing a different cat from her apartment for a day of drama and wonder. That cat was imprisoned in a vinyl jail. This one can feel the air brush against its body. "God's hands," thinks Olivia Benson.

Where does Taylor Swift take the cat?

[Images via Splash, Twitter]

Bradley Graham Cooper, a former engineer for Cisco, pled guilty to second-degree murder in the death of his wife yesterday. Part of the evidence against Cooper was a Google map search to the location of her body. Investigators said Cooper did the search the day before the murder, while his computer was connected to Cisco's network.

Cooper was convicted of strangling his wife in 2011, but appealed the verdict. According to WRAL, the District Attorney argued that Cooper and his wife Nancy were having financial problems, that he was cheating on her with several women including a neighbor, and that his wife "wanted out."

Business Insider dug into some lingering disputes over the Google Map search:

Prosecutors also alleged that Cooper, a communications technology expert, borrowed a piece of network equipment from Cisco and used it to fake a phone call from his wife after she was already dead. The router was never found, reports Network World's Paul McNamara.

Cooper's lawyer wanted to present testimony that the Google map was planted on his computer by someone else. But the judge for the original trial refused to allow those witnesses to testify. The judge even ruled that national security would be comprised if the state's investigators were questioned about how they found the Google Maps file, according to trial documents posted by blogger Brad Reese.

Cooper faces 12 to 15 years in prison, with credit for time served since his arrest in 2008.

To contact the author of this post, please email nitasha@gawker.com.

[Image via WRAL video]

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. returns tonight after a first season that most of us can't remember, but we're hopeful. Co-creator Joss Whedon and cohorts are always making bad television that then somehow swerves into greatness, shows about teenaged female vampire slayers and very old neurotic serial killers and Eliza Dushku. The writer/director/producer isn't perfect, but he pursues perfection—which in television makes him imminently more interesting than that suit full of earthworms we call Matthew Weiner.

The Whedonverse is marked by, among many other things, not just that yo-yoing quality but a pattern of said yo-yoing quality. By the end of last season S.H.I.E.L.D. was getting good, like Dollhouse got really good right before it was cancelled, and how Angel got good halfway through season 2. Here's a basic guide to the Whedonverse's best/worst storytelling rules: what S.H.I.E.L.D. is doing right and what it can stop doing wrong.

DO: Everyone looks better when they kiss
(See: Buffy season 5; Angel seasons 3 and 4; that one episode of Dollhouse)

Ward and Skye need to have sex. Because: You think of the actual relationships in the Whedonverse (Willow and Tara, Fred* and Gunn, Wes and Lilah) and of the episodes they anchored and of all that they're worth in drama and romance and human-sized revelations and you realize that a hook-up short-circuits Ward's obvious arc of redemption. And remember: Ward's previous fling with May was the first time his mansuit seemed roused to life. Better that than...

DON'T: No one looks best when they want to kiss, but can't
(See: Firefly; Angel season 4)

FitzSimmons (two people, we have to keep reminding ourselves) are primed to fall into this trap, as one apparently pines for the other. But pining is not a Whedonesque kind of gerund. It gobstops his usual way of tackling challenges, motoring characters through trauma with their elbows out. Cordelia, otherwise the most important character in the Whedonverse, spends a season of Angel in love with Angel and then instead she decides to ascend to heaven to be abducted by a narcissistic goddess and...well, so on. Firefly, a perfect show, has some hairline flaws such as: Mal and Inara, who spark but never catch fire.

DO: Go wider, not deeper
(See: Angel season 3; Buffy seasons 2-4; Firefly)

There's a reason all of Whedon's shows are ensembles. The interplay between characters, and the interplay between interlocking sets of characters (Gunn and Cordy and Connor; Wes and Angel) is the grist that makes the mill run. Following a murderous finale, S.H.I.E.L.D. needs a new second-string, and one worth investing in. So it's a bit of a knife's edge situation, hoping for the best, expecting the worst. Firefly's example is useful here, how it slowly looped a rogue's gallery together through interpersonal mischief instead of murky conspiracy.

DON'T: Go deeper, not wider
(See: Buffy season 6; Angel season 5)

S.H.I.E.L.D.'s obligation to specific Marvel universe story points is what nearly flattened it in season 1. And it can feel like season 2 has been pre-programmed, too, since the show's central conceit was decimated in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. It's a lot of heavy; a lot of victims. Too much, maybe. Remember season 6 of Buffy? It's sad, funereal (if we are being generous) and also absurd. Rape! Lots of characters revealing bottomless pits behind their faces, that's the rule: Though he loves grief, Whedon doesn't do a lot with grieving. Focusing on an individual's damage (Skye's daddy issues, now; mid-season 5 Wesley, then) tends to suck up all our time with no reward.

BONUS: Everything looks good with blood on it
(See: Angel's finale; Dollhouse's "Omega")

Played right, S.H.I.EL.D. could thrive on uncertainty, its characters under the gun in a world without ideology. Most often we are saying: Joss Whedon loves to kill off his characters. But it is also: Whedon likes people who are bleeding, usually in service of one another. Actually a dismayingly depressive white guy according to recent lengthy interviews, he knows the psychological and aesthetic value of wounds, what it's like to stand right in front of an apocalypse, how sometimes all we share are our failures and the aspiration toward. As a superspy thriller, S.H.I.EL.D. has been too chipper-bright—at last, it seems ready to bruise.

[Images via ABC, The WB, UPN, and Fox]

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Follow @GawkerMA and read more about it here.

Hey, America, what's in your cup? If it isn't arsenic, let's talk about cocktails, which are tastier and livelier than poison. As the old saying goes, "I've been drinkin' / I've been drinkin'."

Just like sandwiches, methods of ice cream-making, and ratio of sweatpants to citizens, libations vary according to the region you're drinking them in. It's not all Bud Lite and cosmopolitans everywhere you go. Local flavor contributes a lot.

Thinking of a trip to Lake Erie or a drive down Tampa Bay way? Don't leave the house without a few silver dollars, a pocket full of Chex Mix, and an empty drinking cup to be filled up with mystery, excitement, and a little brew from your neighbor's fount.

Here's what you have to look forward to.

The Philly Martini

• Vodka (any kind)
• Jar of olives, who cares where you get it

1. Put some vodka in a glass.
2. Put some olive juice in there, too.
3. Capisce?

The Upper West Side Poor Door

• 1 Budweiser can
• 1 bottle Cristal

1. Shotgun the Budweiser under the Manhattan Bridge.
   
2. Purge.
3. Sip Cristal in the lobby of the Plaza.

The Boston Strangler

• 1 can Narragansett
• 1 clam

1. Crack open the can.
2. Stuff clam inside by any means necessary.

Tampa Toothache

• 1 liter RC Cola
• The entire liquor cabinet

1. Mix it all together in a bucket.

Salt Lake Sister Wives

• Water
• 3 shots moonshine
• Salt

1. Hide somewhere alone in the barn attic. Make sure you're really hidden and Ma isn't looking for you. Erase your tracks as you walk from the main complex to the barn.
2. Take one shot.
3. Chase with water.
4. Repeat.
5. Eat fistfuls of salt until the moonshine scent vanishes.

ASU Game Day

• Tequila
• Vodka
• Whiskey
• Gin
• Beer
• Kool Aid

1. Shots
2. Shots
3. Shots
4. Shots
5. Shotgun
6. Ooohhh yeah.

The Denver High Life

• Weed
• A cold beer, don't worry too much about it
• Steve Miller Band's "Fly Like An Eagle" comin' through on the hi-fi

1. Smoke, man.
2. Drink that cold one, man.
3. You got it. No problems here.

The Silicon Valley

• *Updates iPhone 5C to iOS 8*
• "I'll have what she's having"

The Great Chicago Fire of 1871

• Whiskey
• Lighter
• Renters' insurance

1. Pour whiskey into a shot glass.
2. Ignite.
3. Better hurry and take that shot.
4. Now, the time is now.
5. Why are you delaying . . . just take it . . . it's burning . . .
6. Oh my god what have you done
7. You have renters' insurance, right?

Delaware Dessert Wine

• ????????
• Soggy bread

1. No sales tax.

Pittsburgh Powerhouse

• 1 can IC Light
• Bottle Heinz ketchup
• Primanti Bros fries

1. Rim the can of IC Light with ketchup.
2. Eat some fries.
3. Pound beer.

Georgia Red Clay Drink

• Mud
• Bourbon

1. "Put bourbon in mud and serve it on the ground." —Instructions from Gawker News Editor Taylor Berman

Hollywood Squares

• Sugar Free Red Bull
• Vodka
• Drugs
• Do you have Uber on your phone

1. Ingest ingestibles.
2. Repeat all night, you're a star.
3. Call a cab!
4. Check your bank account real quick.

[Illustration by Tara Jacoby]

Following the World Health Organization's prediction that the Ebola virus could spread to more than 20,000 cases in Africa by November of this year, the Centers for Disease Control has released their own prediction: 1.4 million cases by mid-January of next year. The CDC's estimation, the Associated Press reports, is based on the largely held assumption that the number of actual cases on the continent are underreported.

Dr. Richard Wenzel, a Virginia Commonwealth University scientist and former head of the International Society for Infectious Diseases, told the Associated Press that the CDC's number is "somewhat pessimistic" and does not fully account for current relief efforts. More than 2,800 people in Africa have died from the virus so far.

[Image via AP]

Kanye West knows a thing or two about life. Last week—as part of his community service for assaulting an 18-year-old kid who verbally attacked his wife, Kim Kardashian—Kanye stopped by L.A. Trade Technical College and schooled a group of unsuspecting students in Yeezus 101.

Complex interviewed Andre Pitts, a 19-year-old visual communications major, about Kanye's surprise, two-hour visit. "He spoke about, you know, life in general and about his inspirations and whatnot," Pitts says. Below, four important lessons from Professor Yeezy.

Lesson 1: Success ≠ Rolex

He was giving examples of different things and saying that having a Rolex or a Benz is not something that actually represents your success because there's always something more expensive to buy. So, he was saying that success was really being able to do things for others as well as the people around you and yourself.

Lesson 2: The Illuminati is (probably) real

And then someone finally did actually ask about the Illuminati, and I don't want to say too much because he did tell the truth this time but I don't have it on film so I cant really back that stuff up, but he did talk about that topic.

Lesson 3: Be Kanye

Someone asked if he listens to his own music, or if he listens to other people's music. He said he likes to listen to his own music since he thinks he's the best artist, still.

Lesson 4: No, but seriously, be more like Kanye and follow your passions despite what the haters tell you

He said that he doesn't care about his Grammys but he thinks of them as reference points. And that he can point back to them and say, "I've proven that I can do this, so I should be able to do this." So that's what he was trying to get out, that he feels that he is able to do these things but that he's being shot down by the fashion industry.

[Image via; h/t Complex]

Two Portland police officers came to the rescue after the driver delivering Steve Huckins and his wife's Pizza Hut pizza was involved in a car accident. The officers, answering their call to serve, delivered the Huckins' pizza to their front door.

The couple had apparently already called the Pizza Hut to tell them that they never got their pizza. "So [my wife] goes, 'well we didn't get the pizza,' so [the manager] says, 'well we'll make one and I'll hand deliver it and give it to you for half price," Steve Huckins told KOIN.

And just as they were sitting down to eat that pizza, the officers arrived with the original pie and explained to them what had happened. Huckins thanked them, but told them they already had a pizza and didn't need another.

"They turn around to leave, and I said, 'whoa, whoa, whoa – I got to get a picture of this. No one is going to believe Portland police delivering a pizza.' So that's the picture everyone saw," Huckins told KOIN. "I wanted these officers to get a little recognition because these officers went above and beyond."

The driver reportedly injured his back and neck in the crash.

[H/T Daily Intel // Image via KOIN]

It's come to my attention that many of our readers believe that if you give anything more than a modest sum of money to a poor person, that person will just go out and waste the money on impulse purchases. Allow me to point out that this is false.

Yesterday, I floated the idea of giving $25,000 per person to the poorest 100 million Americans as a sort of reparation. I do not want to re-argue that entire proposal; if you would like to do so, please visit that post. What I would like to do is to briefly address a very common objection that was raised in the comment section again and again: the idea that a primary downfall of this plan would be that poor people would waste their money on dumb things, instead of putting it to wise financial use.

Now: it is certainly true that Americans could use more education in the area of financial literacy. It is a mistake, however, to assume that this applies only to poor people. Financial illiteracy in America applies to the entire income spectrum! The financial advisory business and the investment management business and the mutual fund industry and many other businesses that actively soak the rich almost exclusively would not exist in its current form if wealthy people were not just as financially illiterate as anyone else.

Still, the perception remains that poor people are prone to just stupidly blowing money. But just because your cousin who won the lottery spent all his money on new cars, or you saw a movie where a person parties away a windfall, does not mean that in the real world giving money directly to poor people is a bad idea overall. In fact, there is prominent charity that does just that. It's called GiveDirectly, and it transfers donor money directly to poor residents of Kenya using their cell phones. It keeps transaction costs low, and avoids the possibility of the money getting skimmed off by middlemen en route.

GiveDirectly's methods have been subjected to study. One major study examined a group of poor households that received the equivalent of about two year's income (not so different from the reparations proposal). Its findings:

Households who received transfers experienced on average a 33 percent increase in incomes coming from sources such as livestock and non-agricultural businesses and increased the value of their household assets by 53 percent, largely in the forms of livestock and improvements to their homes. The money also reduced the number of days children went without food by 42 percent.

According to economist Jeremy Shapiro, one of the study's authors, "These findings are significant because they question the assumptions many aid programs are based on – that the poor might spend cash on things like alcohol or tobacco, or that they don't have opportunities to help themselves. We find that if you just give the poor cash, they use it to build assets, buy food and make investments in their livelihoods."

GiveDirectly is considered one of the most effective anti-poverty charities in the world.

To put this in plain English: poor people tend to use money on their basic pressing needs, and then use money in some wealth-building ways. Which is the same way that you, the person very concerned about the profligate spending tendencies of the poor, would probably use it. It's almost as if "poor people" are just people like everyone else and tend to behave, like humans do, by addressing their own needs and trying to figure out ways to provide for their families—things that are infinitely easier to do if one has a base of wealth to help accomplish them.

The popular image of the "Welfare Queen" is one that is seared in the mind of many Americans. No big surprise, since countless millions of political advertising dollars were used to put it there. Nevertheless, evidence shows that the welfare state in the US, to the extent that we have one, works—that giving poor people tax breaks, and social welfare, and, yes, cash aid helps to bring people out of poverty and allows them to lead more bearable lives. Likewise, you might be interested in this story about a Canadian experiment with providing citizens of one town with a guaranteed minimum income, which was a big success, and did not produce any extra laziness in the populace.

I will politely refrain from addressing the racist overtones of the "poor people are lazy and stupid" position because they should not need lengthy explanations to debunk.

Poor people are not perfect. Nor are middle class people, or rich people. Wasting money is a possibility, among humans. But generally speaking, it appears that people know what their needs are in life and if you give them some means, they will provide for themselves in a relatively effective manner. So it would be nice if we could lay this particular objection to rest. Thank you.

[Photo: Flickr]

Before dawn today, Israeli special forces raided a basement in the West Bank and killed two Palestinians suspected of murdering Israeli teens in June. According to the Israeli army, the suspects were Hamas militants Marwan Kawasme, 29, and Amer Abu Aysha, 32.

The kidnapping and killing of Eyal Yifrah, 19, Gilad Shaar, 16, and Naftali Fraenkel, 16 in June started this summer's Gaza war between Hamas militants and the Israeli army. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said today, "We said we wouldn't rest until we brought these killers to justice. This morning we completed our mission."

Hamas leaders are not pleased that Israeli forces killed Kawasme and Aysha, but they agreed to continue with peace negotiations in Cairo today.

[Photo via AP]

This is how you do it. Earlier today at a http://www.viddler.com/v/cfd54183press conference regarding Senate Bill 42 and House Bill 177, which would expand Pennsylvania's hate crime law to include attacks based on sexuality and gender identity, the former bill's author, State Senator Jim Ferlo of Pittsburgh, came out as gay. He did it like this:

Hundreds of people know I'm gay. I just never made an official declaration. I never felt I had to wear a billboard on my forehead. But I'm gay. Get over it. I love it. It's a great life.

That's just terrific. A showing of pride, a simple expression of the simultaneous no-big-deal/huge-deal nature of being gay, a message to haters. A star is born.

Also at the conference, human embodiment of the expression " woof," St. Rep. Brian Sims, delivered an impassioned plea for LGBT equal protection, which he punctuated by banging his fist on the podium:

The lawmakers expressed a renewed urgency for the bills' passage following the gang assault on two gay men that occurred in Philadelphia earlier this month.

[H/T Towleroad]

We have finally seen the signs that our exit is coming up on our trip down the long, winding road that is the casting of season two of HBO's True Detective, a television show about white people talking to each other in ponderous soliloquies. HBO has confirmed that Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of Nic Pizzolatto's anthology crime drama, playing two of three police officers tracking "a career criminal" that forces them to "navigate a web of conspiracy in the aftermath of a murder."http://gawker.com/nic-pizzolatto...

Farrell told an Irish newspaper over the weekend that he had landed the role. He and Vaughn had been rumored for weeks to be on the casting shortlist. No word word yet on who will play the third police officer in the case or the criminal they're pursuing.

It's been long rumored that one of the main roles would go to a woman, and everyone from Elisabeth Moss to Rachel McAdams to Rosario Dawson (as well as, uh, Jessica Biel) has been floated as potential stars.

Justin Lin will direct the first two episodes of season two, which begins production later this fall in California.

Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn to star in #TrueDetectiveSeason2. "Additional casting will be announced as it is confirmed," says @HBO.

— Mo Ryan (@moryan) September 23, 2014

Per HBO, in #TrueDetectiveSeason2 "3 police officers & a career criminal must navigate a web of conspiracy in the aftermath of a murder."

— Mo Ryan (@moryan) September 23, 2014

Justin Lin to direct first 2 episodes of #TrueDetectiveSeason2. Production begins later this fall in California. 8 hours total.

— Mo Ryan (@moryan) September 23, 2014

[Images via Getty]

The wise editor/writer/parodist Jim Windolf published an arch and provocative but also entirely accurate tweet this morning:

That extra-large coffee makes you look desperate. Get an advantage over your rivals by ordering a small.

— Jim Windolf (@jimwindolf) September 23, 2014

This is a fact. The small coffee—also known as a regular coffee—is one of humanity's great inventions: an easily handled, hot, delicious, stimulating serving of a beverage. Large, larger, and largest coffees are grim and tragic. (We have already discussed the related tragedy of the bucket-sized brownish syrup-and-caffeine hot milkshakes sold by "coffee" shops.)

When you drink a coffee larger than a small coffee, the coffee gets cold before you can finish it. You begin with a steaming, uplifting sip, and by gradual stages you end up sucking down cold, aroma-less dregs. Everyone knows this. Even people who disdain small coffee will confess that their larger beverages end in misery.

Thus the reasons they give for drinking wrong-sized coffee have nothing to do with coffee. They are mostly confessions of helplessness and defeat: It's more practical. They can "stock up" at one go. They need the extra coffee to wake up.

Drinking a large coffee, that is, means that they feel unable to assert their own dignity or control their own circumstances. The small-coffee drinker, feeling the need for more coffee, stands up and gets a second (or third, or fourth) small cup of coffee. Maybe even by going outside. The large-coffee drinker slurps the room-temperature excess coffee blindly, while staring at a screen.

Yes, the small-coffee perspective is one of privilege. Much of what we know as liberty is simply privilege extended to a larger circle of humanity. The fact that many workers lack the freedom to take a real coffee break is not an argument in favor of oversized coffee. It's an argument against prevailing working conditions.

Then there is the economic argument: For only a little bit more money than a regular cup of coffee, you can buy way too much more coffee. What kind of sucker doesn't buy the most? This is the logic that leads to endless acres of flimsy mass-built mansions in the Sun Belt, to overflowing hog-waste lagoons laced with growth-promoting antibiotics, to the Cadillac Escalade, to the plastic-choked oceans rising to drown us all.

Drink a small coffee.

[Illustration by Tara Jacoby]

Almost exactly a year ago, TechCrunch started building anticipation over Selfie.com, a website that teased some upcoming startup, but revealed nothing. Today the mystery ends, and boy is it dumb: an app called "Selfie."

Selfie combines all the pieces of a TechCrunch classic: a name and premise teeming with buzzwords, a bucketful of investment bucks, and a hint of secrecy. When "Selfie.com" and its founder were in "super stealth mode" over a year ago, TechCrunch breathlessly wrote up the startup as "shrouded in mystery and excitement."

In a world where photo-sharing reigns supreme, where Instagram and its mighty legion of copycats, wannabes and tweaked iterations lead a massive charge, a new photo-sharing service rises out of the huddled mass to deliver the best that photography has to offer: selfies. [...]

As far as Selfie itself, nothing of real interest has been disclosed.

A source, wishing to remain anonymous, claims to have heard about and seen an early version of Selfie, saying it was "really cool." No details, though.

That's right: a startup with "no details" and "nothing of real interest" was also rising above "the huddled mass" of app garbage flooding our phones.

That exciting veil of mystery was lifted today, and we can now get a look at Selfie's face:

Meet Selfie, the app that lets you send video selfies to your friends or the whole network to have back-and-forth Selfie conversations. The main premise is that we are constantly trying to find ways to express ourselves, from all the way back to the letter and the phone to Twitter and FaceTime, but that there is still an empty spot where asynchronous face-to-face communication should be.

Here's Selfie's co-founder, Hugh Dornbush, on the very interesting origins of the company's name:

"When we first decided to call it Selfie, the word hadn't really picked up the same way it has now," said Dornbush. "We were trying to come up with the right name for expressing yourself, and came across two girls in a bar taking a pic together. When we asked what they were doing, they said 'It's a selfie, duh.' That's when we knew we had it."

According to TechCrunch, the company started building Selfie in May 2012, long before clueless newscasters began misidentifying any old portrait as a selfie. That means they spent over two years building an app that is, effectively, Justin Bieber's (failed) Shots of Me crossed with WhatsApp. And yet? TechCrunch thinks this app is the beginning of something big:

[The] term selfie also connotes a photo that is trying to look beautiful. A headshot, even. A selfie is meant to be attractive, and be sent out to the world for feedback. [...]

Could this be the beginning of a more realistic digital identity?

No wonder sites like Product Hunt are eating TechCrunch's lunch.

To contact the author of this post, please email kevin@valleywag.com.