In an interview last week with CNN, Ghanaian Cardinal Peter Turkson, considered by many to be the favorite to succeed Pope Benedict XVI (which would make him the first black Pope), created an uproar with his response to Christiane Amanpour's question about the possibility of the Catholic Church's sex scandal spreading to Africa. For Turkson, the issue isn't Church-wide cover ups of the scandal or any other systematic problem; instead, Turkson thinks the abuse occurred because there were too many gay priests in Europe and North America.

"African traditional systems kind of protect or have protected its population against this tendency," he said. "Because in several communities, in several cultures in Africa homosexuality or for that matter any affair between two sexes of the same kind are not countenanced in our society."

Right. As CNN dutifully noted in their post about the interview: "According to the American Psychological Association, 'homosexual men are not more likely to sexually abuse children than heterosexual men are.'"

Ruth Hunt, the director of public affairs at Stonewall UK, a LGBT charity, condemned Turkson's statement. "Cardinal Turkson's comments show a surprisingly callous disregard for the human rights of millions of people worldwide," she told the Times UK.

A spokesman for the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests also criticized the remarks. "We hear less about clergy sex crimes and cover ups in Africa for the same reasons we do throughout the developing world - there tends to be lesser funding for law enforcement, less vigorous civil justice systems, less independent journalism, and an even greater power and wealth difference between church officials and their congregants," he said.

And if you think Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, the Vatican Secretary of State and another popular pick to succeed Pope Benedict XVI, has a more progressive stance, bad news; according to the Daily Mail, his views are almost identical to Turkson's.

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone...said that some psychiatrists had found a relationship between homosexuality and paedophilia.

‘That is the problem,' he said.

[Daily Mail//Image via AP]

Master schmoozer Joe Biden took part in something called a "Facebook town hall" hosted by Parents Magazine earlier today. Biden was there, presumably, to talk about parenting advice, but, as tends to happen these days on Facebook (if, like me, you're from the South), the conversation turned to gun laws. One of the town hall's participants asked Biden if President Obama's gun control package, which contains proposals to ban military-style assault weapons and high-capacity gun magazines, would make law-abiding citizens "more of a target for criminals as [they] will have no way to sufficiently defend [themselves]."

After reasonably noting that it was an odd question to answer at an event hosted by Parents Magazine (Biden is apparently a subscriber), he went on to offer some home protection advice, which was: "Get a double-barreled shotgun." He then elaborated.

"Have the shells ready. And I promise you...as I told my wife...we live in an area that's in the woods and somewhat secluded. I said, 'Jill, if there's ever a problem, just walk out on the balcony , walk out and take that double-barrel shotgun and fire two blasts outside the house. I promise you whoever is coming in...You don't need an AR-15. It's harder to aim, it's harder to use and in fact, you don't need 30 rounds to protect yourself. Buy a shotgun, buy a shotgun."

So now you know: don't fuck with the Biden's property in Delaware.

A huge natural gas explosion—"like an earthquake," one witness said—burned a Kansas City restaurant to the ground yesterday evening, injuring 16, some critically, and leaving one person unaccounted for. Authorities believe a contractor working near JJ's Restaurant, a three-decade institution overlooking Kansas City's iconic Country Club Plaza, hit a natural gas line, and people reported a strong odor of gas in the area—so strong JJ's employees cancelled reservations, shut down the kitchen, and asked patrons to leave the restaurant—hours before the 6 p.m. explosion shattered nearby windows and sent shockwaves nearly a mile through the city. One woman is still missing, and Kansas City police are using cadaver dogs to search for her. Some 100 fire fighters responded to the four-alarm fire; it was under control by 8 p.m. [Kansas City Star | KCTV]

An Oklahoma man who was found dead in his kitchen is suspected to have died as a result of spontaneous human combustion.

"The body was burned and it was incinerated," said Sequoyah County Sheriff Ron Lockhart, who noted that there was no other fire damage to the house or any of the items inside the house.

"There was no damage to the furniture or anything around the fire, so it was a low heat fire," Lockhart said.

65-year-old Danny Vanzandt of Muldrow was an avid smoker and a heavy drinker according to reports, so local authorities are investigating the possibility that his death was related to his vices.

"There is some burning I guess in the trachea, so the cause of death is gone be probably heat and smoke inhalation," Sheriff Lockhart told 5NEWS.

When asked point blank if he was "serious" about Vanzandt's death being a case of spontaneous human combustion, Lockhart insisted he was.

"I think there's only about 200 cases worldwide," he said, "and I'm not saying this happened. I'm just saying that we haven't ruled it out."

The Sequoyah County Sheriff's Office has, however, ruled out homicide as a possibility cause of death.

Lockhart also noted that he thought it was highly unlikely that an accident involving a cigarette was to blame, saying "a cigarette burn will not do that."

[photo via Shutterstock, video via 5NEWS]

As part of an ongoing project, we've written letters to U.S. death row inmates who are scheduled for execution this year. We asked them about their lives and about their thoughts on various issues. Today, we received a reply from Britt Ripkowski, who is awaiting execution in Texas for multiple murders.

In December of 1997, Ripkowski, then 26, killed Monica Frome, a woman he had dated, in Salt Lake City, Utah. He kidnapped Frome's two year-old daughter and drove to Houston. On Christmas day, he suffocated the child to death, and later buried her in a shallow grave outside of Houston. After spending more than 15 years on death row, Ripkowski was scheduled for execution on February 20. But a Texas court put his execution on hold last month, ruling that he is incompetent due to bipolar disorder, which his attorney says he has suffered from since the age of 16. For now, Ripkowski will remain on death row, until (and if) his mental condition changes.

In his reply to us, which covered the front and back of a single sheet of paper, Ripkowski did not answer any of our questions. We sent copies of letter to his attorney, Anthony Haughton, who told us that Ripkowski "is presently incompetent, and his letters are indecipherable." We present his letter only as an example of the mental state of one inmate on Texas's death row.

[Previous letters from death row can be found here. Image by Jim Cooke.]

You don't need a weatherman to know that enduring 8 g is going to make the average person pass out, but Grant Denyer decided to demonstrate anyway.

The intrepid Australia meteorologist-cum-"adventure-chaser" did his report from inside a stunt plane yesterday morning, and after a few loop-de-loops figured he was tough enough to take on a few extra g-forces.

Stunt pilot Matt Hall was happy to oblige, maneuvering the plane in order to generate several seconds of sustained 8 g-forces.

Denyer was out like a light. "My whole body just started to feel all warm and cosy to be honest," he later told Perth Confidential. "I had no idea I passed out. But I was out for about six or seven seconds."

Denyer wasn't the only one who malfunctioned as a result of the powerful gravitational force: The Sunrise on 7 camera stopped working as well.

"It was a bit spooky, watching it back," he said. "Poor Mel didn't know whether I was dead or what was going on. I'm very glad I didn't throw up. If you throw up you have to clean the cockpit so I'm grateful I avoided that."

[H/T: Arbroath]

New York City Michael "Mayor Mike" Bloomberg, the 20th richest human in the world, said this yesterday about his administration's policy of requiring single adults "to prove they have no other alternatives when they are seeking access to a homeless shelter," and of barring homeless families and children from city shelters during freezing weather "if officials determine they have an alternative place to sleep:"

"Nobody's sleeping on the streets," said Mayor Mike.

A city collectively chortled! Of course there are homeless people sleeping all over the streets of New York City (3,200 of them, according to the city itself)—why, just look at the streets of New York City! City Hall acknowledged that Mayor Mike had misspoken. He didn't mean to assert that there were not, in fact, homeless people sleeping on the streets of New York. He was just tacitly acknowledging that those people do not matter, in the grand scheme of things.

The number of homeless people in NYC has risen quite dramatically since Bloomberg assumed office in 2002. In a sense, any New York mayor is in a tough position with homelessness, due to our city's rather unique law that mandates that the city provide housing to homeless people each night. It forces our leaders to address the problem daily, by law, rather than allowing them to ignore it or put it off or marginalize it, as mayors of so many other cities can do, since the homeless do not tend to vote or make political donations. It is, we admit, a burden on our political leaders. Though not as much of a burden as homelessness is on homeless people.

But even by generous standards, Mayor Mike has not done well on homelessness. He pledged to cut the number of homeless people by two thirds during his second term; instead, the number has risen steadily. And there has been no sign of abatement: "The 2012 count of homeless people on the street came last January and marked a 23% increase from 2011, according to the city." There is no need to argue over whether Bloomberg is a well-intentioned municipal savior or a rich, out-of-touch villain. Just look at the numbers. His record on homelessness sucks.

It's a tough issue. There are few easy answers. But if it is an issue that New Yorkers care about. there is one person running for mayor who has a good record.

[Photos via Getty ]

Last night Gawker received a tip from a person claiming to be friends with the graphic designer allegedly responsible for the Internet's new favorite thing: The fake Guy Fieri menu currently parked at GuysAmericanKitchenAndBar.com.

According to this friend, Bryan Mytko, the NYC-based programmer who claims to have purchased the restaurant's domain after Fieri "forgot" to, is a "dick" for not bothering to credit Pauline Vassiliadis with having actually designed the uproarious menu that is making everyone ROTFLTAO.

But it seems the dick hole goes even deeper than that.

Late last night, "weird twitter" ambassador @boring_as_heck noted that many of the jokes that appear on the faux-menu have been lifted wholesale from various Twitter accounts.

A more detailed assessment of the plagiarism accusation by @a_girl_irl shows that approximately 50% of all the yucks were "borrowed" from a just one Twitter account: @DinkMagic.

"[M]aking fun of guy fieri is literally the easiest thing on earth to do and that guy just ripped people off instead," @DinkMagic tweeted after the intellectual theft was brought to their attention.

For his part, Mytko released a statement (since deleted, but still online) asserting that he didn't bother mentioning Vassiliadis initially because "she doesn't have twitter," and also didn't think his prank would blow up as big as it did.

He continues:

I barely use Twitter and have no idea who @DadBoner @a_girl_irl @DinkMagic @Lowenaffchen etc. are. If any of the content was stolen from them, well, I have no idea what to tell you. Laugh at the menu or don't. There are more important things to stress over in life than Twitter.

Back on his Twitter feed, Mytko concluded a night of responding to aggrieved joke authors and their supporters by saying, "and I hope all you haters picked up a few followers to help fill that empty void in your soul."

Vassiliadis has been reached for comment, but has yet to respond. This post will be updated if and when she does.

[image via @a_girl_irl]

At last, the unattainable glamour of the mailman is within your sweaty grasp: the U.S. Postal Service announced Tuesday plans to release a fashion line for men. (Estimated delivery date for a women's line: unknown.)

The venture, which was a lot more fun when Project Runway did it (Season 1, Episode 8), will be called "Rain Heat & Snow"; a nod to the famous Postal Service creed: "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds."

"Gloom of Night" sounds a little more haute couture than random weather words, but what do they know? They're not Carol Lagerfeld or Georgia Ramani, or any of those fashion people. They're just the Postal Service and this is a fun idea they had.

According to an official press release, the line will consist of "'smart apparel' also known as wearable electronics." Imagine a sweatshirt that is also an MP3 player with your nipples as the PLAY/STOP buttons, brought to you by the Postal Service. A pair of pants that is a Tamagotchi. A hat that you plug into your cellphone to charge your car. The Postal Service has got a great feeling about this. Like maybe selling clothing is what they were really meant to do.

The line will be financed by a Cleveland-based apparel company called Wahconah Group, Inc. CNN reports that the Postal Service won't have to pay to produce it (which is good, since they can't even afford to bring you a postcard on Saturdays), but will receive a small percentage of the profits. The clothes will be sold in "premier department and specialty stores."

USPS Corporate Licensing Manager Steven Mills sums up the unholy union of mailman and couturier and electronic whiz kid (very good with computers and fashions) thusly:

"This agreement will put the Postal Service on the cutting edge of functional fashion."

Right where it belongs.

[CNN // Image via Getty]

Worse still, Anna Lamb-Creasey says it took three weeks for her to happen across the notice, because it was automatically filtered into Facebook's "other messages" folder.

The Clayton County mother says she was beside herself with worry for her missing son Rickie. She had lost contact with the 30-year-old in late January, and had been phoning up hospital and jails to determine his whereabouts.

Sadly, as she later found out, all her searching was for naught: Rickie was hit by a car while crossing the street on the night of January 24th, and had succumbed to his injuries.

But it wasn't until Valentine's Day that Lamb-Creasey and her daughter stumbled upon a cryptic Facebook message from a woman named "Misty Hancock" telling them Rickie had died.

Calling the number listed on Hancock's Facebook page, which featured a profile picture of the rapper T.I., put them in touch with Clayton County police, who confirmed that the message was accurate and that the account was an undercover handle that belonged to them.

"They told me that they did the best that they can do [to reach me]," Lamb-Creasey told WSB-TV. "But I'm not sure about that. (Because) if they can track a criminal down, they couldn't track me down? They could have done better."

While a police spokesperson said it was unclear why the Hancock account was used to contact Lamb-Creasey, the department insists that it tried to get in touch with the family "in a more conventional way" but failed to reach anyone at the addresses they had on file.

"We had no intention of it getting out all over the media like this," the spokesperson told the Huffington Post.

[screengrab via WSB-TV]

Last week, Breitbart.com Editor-at-Large Ben Shapiro, citing Senate sources, claimed that "one of the reasons that President Barack Obama's nominee for Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, has not turned over requested documents on his sources of foreign funding is that one of the names listed is a group purportedly called 'Friends of Hamas.'"

Within days, the terrifying name was on the lips of every right-wing blogger and media personality in the country. Kentucky Senator Rand Paul called Hagel's purported involvement "very troubling." "Friends of Hamas"! What is it? Who's behind it? And why is Chuck Hagel hiding his involvement?

As it turns out, the answer to those questions, in order, is: a tossed-off joke; Daily News reporter Dan Friedman; and because it's a nonexistent group that Shapiro got suckered into believing.

Today, Friedman took to the Daily News to admit: "I am, it seems, the creator of the Friends of Hamas myth." Friedman says he called up a Republican source to get some dirt on Hagel, only to find out a few days later that he'd become Deep Throat:

Hagel was in hot water for alleged hostility to Israel. So, I asked my source, had Hagel given a speech to, say, the "Junior League of Hezbollah, in France"? And: What about "Friends of Hamas"?

The names were so over-the-top, so linked to terrorism in the Middle East, that it was clear I was talking hypothetically and hyperbolically. No one could take seriously the idea that organizations with those names existed—let alone that a former senator would speak to them. [...]

I couldn't have imagined what would happen next. On Feb. 7, the conservative web site Breitbart.com screamed this headline: "SECRET HAGEL DONOR?: WHITE HOUSE SPOX DUCKS QUESTION ON ‘FRIENDS OF HAMAS'"

Despite Friedman's story, and the compelling wrinkle that Friends of Hamas is not actually real, Shapiro stands by his reporting: "The story as reported is correct," Shapiro told Friedman. "Whether the information I was given by the source is correct I am not sure." Shapiro claims he has a different source than Friedman, and writes in a response today that his source has "three different sources"; Friedman says his source "denied sharing my query with Breitbart but admitted the chance of having mentioned it to others."

But if Friends of Hamas is really a "myth," why does it have a website at FriendsofHamas.com?

Now, admittedly, I made the website this morning. But I'm not saying that Friends of Hamas definitely exists. I'm just asking questions! Why does this website, which I made, exist, if Friends of Hamas doesn't exist? Why haven't Chuck Hagel and the White House commented on the issue of the website I made? What does Hagel have to hide? Is the reason he refuses to release his records because he has visited the Friends of Hamas official website, webmaster: me? Isn't it possible that Friends of Hamas exists? And if I can imagine Friends of Hamas to exist, isn't that the same thing as it actually existing, philosophically? When you really think about it?

This story, as reported, is correct. As Shapiro says, "after all, this is the most easily debunked story in the world: all Chuck Hagel has to do is release his records."

Pete Domenici, the retired New Mexico senator, announced to the Albuquerque Journal today that he fathered a son out of wedlock more than 30 years ago, keeping the child's existence and identity a secret at the behest of its mother, Michelle Laxalt. Who herself happens to be the daughter of another Senator—Nevada Republican Paul Laxalt.

Who knows what powerful pheromones waft through the air of the Senate chamber, or what prisons of lust Hill offices might be? Alas: Laxalt, a lobbyist and political consultant, describes her tryst with Domenici, a Republican who retired in 2008, as "one night's mistake [...] my interaction with my child's father consisted of telling him my decision, asking that he avail himself for health-related purposes, and asking that he agree that this remain private between the two of us." In separate statements to the Journal, both Domenici and Laxalt imply that the story was coming out soon anyway, though Laxalt's description is far the better:

Recently information has come to me that this sacred situation might be twisted, re-written out of whole cloth, and shopped to press outlets large and small in a vicious attempt to smear, hurt and diminish Pete Domenici, an honorable man, his extraordinary wife, Nancy, and other innocents.

Why after more than 30 years, would anyone insinuate pain and ugliness where joy and beauty have presided?

According to his statement, Domenici only told his family sometime last year:

My past action has caused hurt and disappointment to my wife, children, family, and others. For that I am solely responsible. My family has been aware of these events for several months. I have apologized as best as I can to my wife, and we have worked together to strengthen our relationship.

Their son, Adam Paul Laxalt, is a lawyer and ex-Marine who once worked as "a special assistant to John Bolton." He has declined to comment and "asked that his privacy be respected."

[Albuquerque Journal, image via AP]

A devout member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster had the cops called on him by employees at a Dayton, New Jersey, Motor Vehicle Commission facility after he demanded to be allowed to wear a pasta strainer on his head for his driver's license photo.

25-year-old Aaron Williams, a practitioner of the mostly satirical anti-creationism "religion" of Pastafarianism, says he was told that motor vehicle policy prohibited the wearing of head coverings in license photos excepting those worn for religious reasons.

"I take it as seriously as anybody else when it comes to religious beliefs," he later told NJ.com.

Speaking with GallowayPatch, Williams added: "As a Pastafarian, I believe the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. The strainer is a showing of my devoutness to the religion."

Williams was informed that pasta strainers were not covered by the MVC's religious clothing policy, and he would need to take it up with the state.

A South Brunswick Police officer at the scene also tried to talk Williams out of his protest, and was ultimately successful.

"Had it been a turban or a head scarf, or something from a mainstream religion, then it would've been fine," Williams told Patch. "I guess since they hadn't heard of the religion, that's why they opposed it. But that's not really acceptable to me. They're not in a position to discriminate against religions that are mainstream, or not mainstream, just because they may not have heard about it."

If nothing else, at least Williams has Austria on his side.

In 2011, following a three-year-long fight, an Austrian Pastafarian was granted the right to have his driver's license photo taken with a pasta strainer after a doctor certified him "psychologically fit" to drive.

[image via Wikipedia]

Authorities in St. Lucie County, Florida, arrested a man earlier this week after he posted photos on Facebook showing him manhandling a manatee calf he spotted in Taylor Creek.

One of the photos shows Ryan William Waterman of Fort Pierce letting one of his young daughters sit on the manatee.

A Facebook friend of Waterman's tipped Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officials, who filed charges against Waterman.

He was arrested on Sunday for violating the Florida Manatee Sanctuary Act, which prohibits molesting, harassing, or disturbing manatees.

Florida classifies manatees as endangered species.

Waterman was booked into St. Lucie County Jail, but was released the following day after posting a $2,500 bond.

Speaking with CBS12 News, Waterman claimed he was unaware of the law against harassing manatees, and confessing to having handled them before.

"I never heard that it was wrong, I never thought it would be wrong," he said.

If convicted, Waterman faces up to six months in jail and a fine of $500.

"An interaction that may seem harmless and innocent may ultimately have serious consequences for manatees and other wildlife," the FWC said in a statement.

One official, a manatee expert, noted that the calf in the photo may have been experiencing "manatee cold-stress syndrome," a lethal condition that may have been worsened by Waterman's actions.

Manatee harassment in Florida last made headlines in November, when a woman was caught on camera going for a joy ride on one at Fort Desoto Park.

[screengrabs via WPTV]

Outspoken sonic collagist/"Paper Planes" sing-songer/truffle fries enthusiast M.I.A. is alleging that the Grammys ripped off a recent stage set of hers. On Twitter, she proclaimed, "IM KEEPING A STEAL LOG THIS YEAR HERE THE ONE FOR JAN / FEB >MIA $500 : GRAMMYS $5000000."

Included in the tweet was a link leading to her seizure-inducing Tumblr, which showcases a side-to-side comparison between stills from M.I.A.'s January show in Sydney, Australia, and the Bob Marley tribute at last week's Grammys. It confirms nothing more than the sharing of neon right angles — if you watch video footage, M.I.A.'s set included a green 3D box while the Grammys' backdrop was a series of 2D rectangle-within-rectangle outlines that cycled through the colors of the Jamaican flag in various patterns throughout the halfhearted Marley salute.

A caption above M.I.A.'s comparison reads, "MY IDEAS CAME FROM MY LIFE. MY SET WAS BASED ON TAMIL HINDU TEMPLE. NOT BOB MARLEY." Well, there you go: you answered you own beef through contrast, Maya. Under the image reads another message: "IF U WANNA SEE THE REAL THING OR GET IT FIRST COME TO A M.I.A SHOW!"

It's not bad advice — an M.I.A. show would be a lot more fun than watch Bruno Mars shill a Sting-inspired single of his (alongside actual Sting) to "honor" a legend — but it's bullshit. And even if it weren't bullshit, M.I.A. has no room to complain about rip-offs. Her genius has always resided in found-art synthesis, her ability to go cultural shopping from around the world and produce dazzling outfits of sound.

The Tamil-British star has dabbled in dancehall, hip-hop, favela funk socca, freestyle, reggae, dubstep, house, rave, Baltimore club and Bollywood disco, among genres. She's interpolated works by the Clash, Dr. Buzzard's Original Savannah Band, Suicide and Opal into her music. She's typically good at sourcing her inspiration, but her 2008 pop hit "Paper Planes" contains an uncredited reference to the chorus of Wreckx-n-Effect's "Rump Shaker" (you can hear her sing it without the machine-gun sounds and cha-chings in the non-album track "Hit That"). Additionally, her intentionally controversial video for "Born Free" owed major debut to Peter Watkins' 1971 film Punishment Park. Watkins could have looked that, cried theft and he'd have much more of a case than M.I.A. does in her Grammys claim.

And that is to say nothing about M.I.A.'s actual style, a globe-trotting mishmash of dollar-store chic and high fashion.

If anyone knows about the importance of borrowing to art, it's M.I.A. It hasn't stopped her from such hypocritical musings in the past, though, like when she called "mimic" Lady Gaga out in 2010 for copping the style of Grace Jones and Madonna, adding, "She sounds more like me than I fucking do!" M.I.A. is not exactly reliable when it comes to commentary on theft, despite her expertise.

[via Pitchfork]

[Image via Getty]

After finding themselves without a date to their cousin's wedding in Saratoga — and after being told that bringing dates was "mandatory" in order to keep them from "harass[ing] all of [the bride's] friends all night" — two brothers who self-identify as "born and bred Craigslisters" did what came natural to them: They took to the "activity partners" section of Craiglist to solicit wedding companions.

"We threw [the post] together in 5 minutes," Dave and Mike told New York magazine's Daily Intelligencer. "Just had to dig through to archives to find that pic of us when we were centaurs. Man, those were the days."

Describing themselves in the post as "in our 20s, single, dashingly tall, Anglo-Saxon," and, of course, centaurs, the bros confess to having seen Love Actually "several times," but maintain that they are "still bad boys."

As for what they're looking for in a temporary mate, the centaur siblings aren't particularly picky: "Sisters (twins?!) are preferable, but we'll take friends, or even enemies."

They continue:

You should be attractive or our aunts will judge you, but not TOO attractive or one of our uncles might grope you. You should be relaxed and easy going as we'll probably make up flattering lies about you on the spot. You should own a dress, or be able to acquire one because we don't have any. If (when) you respond you should send some pictures of yourself so we know you've met the above requirements. Feel free to include a resume; this is a classy wedding and we're looking for well-rounded women. Interesting/unique pairings are encouraged; don't be afraid to make yourself stand out!

Okay, so maybe they are a little demanding. But can you blame them? I mean, with all the things they say the women have in store for them:

An excuse to get dressed up, Open bar & food all night, Eccentric/downright dangerous bro-2-bro dance moves (may need to sign a waiver)...Royalties once our night's story is developed into a romantic comedy.

Which may actually happen: The duo tell Daily Intel they've received nearly 500 responses since their post started going viral last night.

But, wait. How do potential one-night jockeys know these guys aren't Craigslist killers? Easy: The post clearly states that they aren't.

[H/T: HyperVocal, images via Craigslist]

A broken piñata shaped like a dinosaur. An HP LaserJet printer infested with bed bugs. An old, empty potato chip bag they found under the bleachers. All of these things would make for a better lay than Kristen Stewart, a millionaire movie star currently in her peak fertility age, according to a recent survey of British men.

The British web retailer MenKind (sort of an an online Spencer's Gifts) recently conducted a poll of its visitors, asking them to identify the least sexy blood-filled skin sacks this side of Vomville in honor of Oscar season. Here are the women that men who own $20 Superman grilling aprons least want to have sex with, in order from "NEVAAAAR" to "Maybe in the dark but don't tell anyone."

1. Kristen Stewart
2. Sarah Jessica Parker
3. Lindsay Lohan
4. Denise Richards
5. Kirsten Dunst
6. Mischa Barton
7. Hilary Swank
8. Lucy Liu
9. Tilda Swinton
10. Uma Thurman

Readers of this list may recall that The Famously Grotesque Kristen Stewart once found not one but two British men willing to have sex with her during the same time period. These men were heroes who sacrificed themselves for a nation.

Despite Kristen Stewart's soft young skin and kickin' bod, Robert Pattinson and Rupert Sanders lay down with her again and again. They satiated her ravenous apetite for the erotic favors of British laypersons, so that others might have the chance to sleep with women who were not deformed, accursèd beasts.

A spokesman for MenKind said that voters were "turned off by volatile and moody actresses," "ice queens," and women who were "unhealthily skinny." Other turn-offs include women who are beautiful and rich and sexy.

Anyway, how'd poor Lucy Liu end up on this list? She had sex with a ghost (she claims).

(Nationality of ghost unknown.)

[Independent // Image via Getty]

A byzantine international spy scandal has been unravelling over the past two weeks with no end in sight. It involves double-agents, Mossad assassinations, nuclear sabotage, and the too-good-to-be-true code name "Prisoner X."

The story, or at least what we know of the story for sure, starts in December 2010, when 34-year-old Australian-Israeli Ben Zygier was found dead in the shower after allegedly hanging himself with a bedsheet in the most secure section of Israel's most secure prison. Zygier had disappeared the prior February and been imprisoned in Ayalon Prison's infamous Unit 15, a solitary confinement unit that was originally built to house Yigal Amir, Yitzhak Rabin's assassin.

Zygier had been held under the utmost secrecy—even his jailers didn't didn't know his identity, referring to him only as "Prisoner X." The first hints of Zygier's case emerged in the summer of 2010, when Israeli newspaper Yediot Ahronot posted a tantalizing wisp of a story about Prisoner X.

"He is in absolute isolation from the external world," a prison source told the paper. "I'm not aware of any other prisoner held in such grave conditions of isolation." The post was quickly removed. According to the Israeli affairs blogger Richard Silverstein, the Israeli press had been put under a strict gag order regarding Prisoner X, forbidden even to report the existence of the blackout. The Israeli press is subject to official censorship, where any story on matters of national security must be approved by the military censor's office.

But a few foreign news outlets picked up the story. Silverstein, a harsh critic of Israeli censorship policies, persisted in hunting down the identity of Prisoner X, at one point mis-identifying him as an Iranian general. Then in December of 2010, shocking news emerged that Prisoner X had committed suicide, again published and removed by an israeli newspaper within minutes. Still, the identity of the man remained a mystery.

Finally, last week, the Australian Broadcasting Company named Prisoner X: He was Ben Zygier, a 34-year-old married father of two, and he was a Mossad agent suspected of unspecified serious crimes against Israel.

Yet even after the ABC broke the news, the Israeli government tried to maintain a strict blackout. Israeli news stories about the ABC report were pulled down as soon as they were posted. An emergency meeting of Israel's "editors committee"—an informal organization that works with the government to self-censor Israel's media—was called, and editors were reminded not to report on the story which could "severely embarrasses" the country.

Further reporting, mostly by Australian sources, has filled in some of the details of Zygier's life. The son of a prominent Jewish community leader in Melbourne, Zygier moved to Israel from Australia about 10 years ago. There he had been recruited by Mossad, which frequently seeks out Jews with foreign passports who can travel more freely. Zygier reportedly underwent multiple name changes to apply for new passports, under which he traveled repeatedly to Iran. He had possibly tried to recruit Middle Eastern students while studying at Australia's Monash University, and had already fallen under surveillance of the country's Security Intelligence Organization (ASIO), which suspected he was an Israeli spy along with two other Australian Jews referred to as "Paul Y." and "David Z." by Der Spiegel.

So Zygier was a spy. But the mystery of what went wrong still remains. What sort of crime could he have been accused of to warrant such extreme secrecy and seclusion? Conspiracy theorists have had fertile soil to till, and the rumor mill has been fed by Israel's dogged attempts to suppress the story: Some speculate that Zygier had acted as a double agent for Australian intelligence services. He was reportedly linked to Mossad's dramatic 2010 Dubai assassination of a Hamas gun runner. In that case, four of the 29 suspected agents used fake Australian passports to travel to the site of the hit, much to the Australian government's chagrin. Perhaps Zygier was revealing to Australian authorities details about the operation even as he helped accomplish it.

The ASIO had "interrogated him (Zygier), they suspected him, they knew many things," a security official told The Australian.

Others speculate he may have been about to reveal that the government of Abu Dhabi was complicit in the assassination. Still others say it had to do with spilling secrets about Israel's sabotage of Iran's nuclear program. And of course there's the nagging question of whether Zygier really managed to kill himself in the most secure prison in Israel, or maybe had some help, indirectly or otherwise.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netenyahu has defended Israel's handling of the case and denied that Zygier may have been turned by the Australians. Curiously, Zygier's family isn't talking. When they were notified of Zygier's imprisonment by Israel in 2010 they did not request help from the Australian government. And when Zygier killed himself that December, they had his body flown back to Australia where they quietly buried it in a Jewish cemetery in the Melbourne suburbs. The real story behind Prisoner X may have been buried with him.

[Image by Jim Cooke]

After a year spent coming out to his family and friends, BYU student Jimmy Hales put together a compilation of reaction footage he has filmed during that time.

Though the response he receives from his loved ones is pleasantly surprising, and coming out while Mormon takes significant courage, the harsh reality of being a gay Mormon is that Hales won't be able to be truly open about his sexuality so long as he remains a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

"Studying at BYU as a closet gay Mormon has been quite an experience. I finally decided to come out and stop living a lie," he writes in the video's description. "I'm still, and will forever be, a faithful Mormon, so it looks like I'm not going to marry and therefore live a single life through this mortal existence. Sucks."

On his blog, where he talks at length about living as a gay Mormon, Hales elaborates a bit about the Church's requirement that homosexual members remain celibate for life, calling it "a taste of hell."

Still, Hales maintains that he plans to do just that, saying, "I personally believe this is the truth."

[H/T: Towleroad]

With a narrow 5-4 vote, Puerto Rico's Supreme Court continues to ban gay couples from adopting children. The vote weighed in on an individual case, involving an unnamed woman who attempted to adopt the child of her partner. Her partner had had in-vitro fertilization to conceive the child.

The five judges who upheld the vote argued that "family" is strictly defined to include only a mother and a father, adding that this arrangement is best for a child's dignity and well-being. A dissenting Judge, Chief Justice Federico Hernandez Denton said that the adoption would benefit the child.

This saddened many people, including Ricky Martin, who expressed his sadness in the form of a tweet: "How sad. This I see as turning your back on childhood. So many orphans wanting to have the warmth of home."

This is one of several items that could extend more rights to gays and lesbians, up for debate among legislators in Puerto Rico.

[Newser/Image via AP]