The most patient cops in the world released the audio of their interviews from the drunken Palin family throw down last month, and the racial slurs and crying, drunk Bristol Palin aren't even the weirdest parts.

When officers questioned Bristol, she told them an "old lady" pushed her sister, setting off the whole melee.

I walk back up. "Did you push my sister?" And some guy gets up, pushes me down on the grass, drags me across the grass. "You slut, you fucking cunt, you fucking this." I get back up, he pushes me down on the grass again. And I have my five year old, they took my $300 sunglasses, they took my fucking shoes, and I'm just left here?

...

A guy comes out of nowhere and pushes me on the ground, takes me by my feet, in my dress—in my thong dress, in front of everybody—"Come on you cunt, get the fuck out of here, come on you slut, get the fuck out of here." I don't know this guy.

When the police officers went to photograph Bristol to document injuries, she reportedly told them, "I don't want my face in a picture right now... There's nothing on my face except for beer and makeup."

Sarah Palin mostly just waited for her wasted family in the limo, but her voice can be heard in the background of some of the recordings, advising one of her drunk daughters to "stop cussing" at one point.

On another recording, an officer interviews Korey Klingenmeyer, the owner of the house accused of assaulting Palin.

Klingenmeyer, who claims Palin hit him in the face multiple times before he pushed her away, started his interview by telling the cop, "I want to talk to the head nigger in charge."

"First off, Korey, I understand you're pissed off," the cop said.

"I don't need this. I'm here to have a good time, and this fucking drama Palin show shows up, and now we've got a shit show," Klingenmeyer said, slurring his words. "Now we're gonna fucking take the legal fucking side, because I know what's coming tomorrow morning. And you and I both know what I'm talking about."

None of the parties involved ended up pressing charges.

Ashoka Mukpo, the freelance NBC cameraman who contracted Ebola while filming a segment, was declared Ebola-free today a few hours after he took to Twitter to defend NBC's quarantine queen, Dr. Nancy Snyderman.

Mukpo contracted Ebola while filming in Liberia, but says he has no idea how exactly he came into contact with the virus, writing on Twitter, "For the record - no idea how I got it. It was something fluky. My best guess is I touched a surface and didn't chlorinate fast enough."

His doctors say Mukpo—who was admitted to the Nebraska hospital on Oct. 6—has now tested negative for the virus three times.

The cameraman also defended Dr. Nancy Synderman, the NBC medical correspondent who voluntarily quarantined herself on her return to the U.S.and then unquarantined herself a few days later to go on a takeout run.

Special shout out to Nancy Snyderman at NBC News. For the record me and her were never within 3 feet of each other once. Be nice to her plz.

— ashoka (@unkyoka) October 21, 2014

[image via AP]

On Monday night, actress Renée Zellweger attended attended the 2014 ELLE Women In Hollywood Awards. You can find pictures of Renée Zellweger from that night and other nights here. Today, the Oscar-winning actress tells People: "I'm glad folks think I look different."

Zellweger told the mag that conversations about her looks are "silly," but "I'm living a different, happy, more fulfilling life, and I'm thrilled that perhaps it shows." She continued,

My friends say that I look peaceful. I am healthy. For a long time I wasn't doing such a good job with that. I took on a schedule that is not realistically sustainable and didn't allow for taking care of myself. Rather than stopping to recalibrate, I kept running until I was depleted and made bad choices about how to conceal the exhaustion. I was aware of the chaos and finally chose different things.

I did work that allows for being still, making a home, loving someone, learning new things, growing as a creative person and finally growing into myself.

Zellweger's last film, My Own Love Song, premiered in 2010.

The actress noted that, "People don't know me in my 40s. People don't know me [as] healthy for a while. Perhaps I look different. Who doesn't as they get older?! Ha. But I am different. I'm happy."

Zellweger said she chose to do the interview with People because, "it seems the folks who come digging around for some nefarious truth which doesn't exist won't get off my porch until I answer the door."

[Photo via Getty]

According to the official autopsy report for Michael Brown obtained by the St. Louis Dispatch, the teenager suffered a gunshot wound to his hand from close range and had marijuana in his system at the time of his death.

Brown was shot and killed by Ferguson, Mo. police officer Darren Wilson Aug. 9. The autopsy would appear to square with Wilson's retelling of events—that there was an altercation inside the officer's car that precipitated Brown being fatally gunned down in the street:

Police Officer Darren Wilson told investigators that in a struggle for his pistol inside a police SUV, Michael Brown pressed the barrel of Wilson's gun against the officer's hip, according to a source with knowledge of his statements.

Wilson tried to prevent Brown from reaching the trigger, the source said, and when he thought he had control he fired. But Brown's hand was blocking the mechanism.

When Wilson got two shots off, Brown was hit in the hand and ran. Wilson fired again when Brown turned back and charged at him, Wilson told investigators.

http://gawker.com/darren-wilson-...

The St. Louis Dispatch conferred with two experts not currently involved in police's investigation of Brown's killing. The first, Dr. Michael Graham, the St. Louis medical examiner, told the paper that the autopsy report "does support that there was a significant altercation at the car":

Graham said the examination indicated a shot traveled from the tip of Brown's right thumb toward his wrist. The official report notes an absence of stippling, powder burns around a wound that indicate a shot fired at relatively short range.

But Graham said, "Sometimes when it's really close, such as within an inch or so, there is no stipple, just smoke."

The report on a supplemental microscopic exam of tissue from the thumb wound showed foreign matter "consistent with products that are discharged from the barrel of a firearm."

A second independent pathologist, Dr. Judy Melinek in San Francisco, also confirmed with the Dispatch that the autopsy "supports the fact that this guy is reaching for the gun, if he has gunpowder particulate material in the wound":

She said Brown was facing Wilson when Brown took a shot to the forehead, two shots to the chest and a shot to the upper right arm. The wound to the top of Brown's head would indicate he was falling forward or in a lunging position toward the shooter; the shot was instantly fatal.

A sixth shot that hit the forearm traveled from the back of the arm to the inner arm, which means Brown's palms could not have been facing Wilson, as some witnesses have said, Melinek said. That trajectory shows Brown probably was not taking a standard surrender position with arms above the shoulders and palms out when he was hit, she said.

Another autopsy report has been ordered as part of a federal investigation. Those results have yet to be released.

[H/T New York Daily News // Image via St. Louis Dispatch/Elcardo Anthony]

Of all of the coaches on The Voice, none has engaged in the battle rounds with as much verve and emotion as Gwen Stefani. Yes, her eyes well with tears when contestants are eliminated, but even more impressive are her stealth last-minute steals, which reached their sneaky apex last night.

Of course for the viewing audience at home, there wasn't much suspense. This was the last battle in the last episode of battle rounds, and Gwen had one much-discussed steal left. But you have to admire Gwen's technique, taking poor Beth Spangler to the brink of heartbreak by leaning in for the dreaded send-off hug, then showing not only cunning but flexibility as she reached an arm back to her big Voice button.

Pharrell is clearly the best coach, but I would posit that Gwen is a close second, followed by Blake who I think is mostly harmless UNLESS you find big, corny, lunky guys harmful. Adam is last in my personal rankings, for reasons that should be apparent if you've ever watched this show and/or seen Adam Levine do anything, anywhere. (Though he does deserve some credit for blessing us with the presence of Stevie Nicks.)

In any case, it was Mia Pfirrman who bested Beth on their duet of Christina Aguilera's "I Turn to You," despite one really rancid note right in the middle of it all. In other matters, someone apparently gave Ricky Manning notes about reining in his compulsive crotch-grabbing, and he took a surprise victory over jazzy Berklee student Brittany Butler for Team Pharrell. No Gwen Stefani sneak-attack steal was to come, and Brittany was VERY sad about it.

I appreciate how Gwen and Pharrell are kind, but also like, "Buck up, millennial."

Preternaturally poised teen Reagan James bested Kensington Moore as they battled on Lorde's "Team" (for Team Blake). Kensington did have a bout with kidney stones that caused her to miss the full band rehearsal with Little Big Town, but that seemed less of a factor in her loss than shaky confidence. And in montage format, we learned that Jessica-Simpson-looking country singer Allison Bray beat out Fernanda Bosch on Team Blake, Gwen chose reggae influenced Anita Antoinette over Myra Alvarez, and Gwen also took Bryana Salaz over Giana Salvata, who made it through the battle rounds without the home viewing audience ever actually hearing her sing. There is a sense in which I can't believe anyone who won tonight is on this show when Maiya Sykes is not, but I am trying to come to terms with it, slowly.

Next week: LORD JESUS IT'S TAYLOR EFFING SWIFT.

[Videos via NBC.]

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Follow @GawkerMA and read more about it here.

On the road to promote her upcoming album Nostalgia, Annie Lennox has tried, it seems, to start something with Beyoncé. Sure, why not? Last month, she called Bey "feminist lite," and in an interview with NPR's Steve Inskeep yesterday, she clarified, "twerking is not feminism."

Lennox addressed the overt sexualization of women in music more broadly, explaining,

The reason why I've commented is because I think that this overt sexuality thrust—literally—at particular audiences, when very often performers have a very, very young audience, like 7 years older, I find it disturbing and I think its exploitative. It's troubling. I'm coming from a perspective of a woman that's had children.

Which, fine, but Beyoncé isn't exactly a teen idol. Inskeep pushed Lennox, noting, "Some people will know that you specifically criticized Beyoncé for this the other day."

Lennox responded, "I was being asked about Beyoncé in the context of feminism, and I was thinking at the time about very impactful feminists that have dedicated their lives to the movement of liberating women and supporting women at the grass roots, and I was saying, 'well that's one end of the spectrum, and then you have the other end of the spectrum.'" Sheesh!

She continued, "Listen, twerking is not feminism. Thats what I'm referring to. It's not—it's not liberating, it's not empowering. It's a sexual thing that you're doing on a stage; it doesn't empower you. That's my feeling about it."

Beyoncé hasn't responded, nor will she ever.

[Photos via AP]

Porcelain wunderkind Taylor Swift dropped another song from her forthcoming album 1989 Tuesday night on Canadian iTunes—"Track 3" is eight seconds of ambient bliss.

Let's listen together, via Business Insider:

It's great! Canada's National Post noticed that the song has already rocketed to the top of the iTunes sales charts. Taylor told Rolling Stone for their September cover story that her new album was inspired by her favorite '80s pop acts, "including Phil Collins, Annie Lennox and 'Like a Prayer'-era Madonna"—those influences are the more clear in "Track 3" than they are in any of the other songs previously released from the album. Another winner.http://gawker.com/lena-dunhams-b...

But it would appear the song was only for true Taylor diehards: CNN reports the song has been pulled.

[Image via Getty]

When Heba Mohammad, a recent graduate of the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, emailed Alderman Chris Wery to ask if transportation would be provided for midterm elections in two weeks, Wery immediately called her religious and political affiliations into question—assuming she might have ties to Islamic extremist groups. Because, you know, that's totally normal for an elected official to do.

In response to Mohammad's inquiry, Wery wrote:

Thank you for your email. You pose an interesting question that deserves some further research.

UWGB is my alma mater. I am just curious, you are the founder of the Muslim Student Organization at UWGB?

Across the country there seem to be some problems here and there with some MSA's.

I just want to be assured that your group in no way promotes or defends militant Islamic ideology or Sharia law. Do you and the MSA condemn both of those as well as terrorist groups such as Hamas?

Mohammed, who is 22, was taken aback, and responded in kind, writing:

To be clear, I am offended that our conversation has taken this direction... I certainly hope that we can get back to the issue I originally emailed you about, especially because there are a number of people who agree that free transportation is a must for Election Day.

She later said the veteran alderman's "instant suspicion" was most likely due to her name.

After posting the email exchange to her Facebook account, Wery apologized to Mohammed, telling the Green Bay Press-Gazette, "I phrased it wrong. It was the wrong setting."

So, question, what's the right phrasing and setting for asking someone if they're linked to a terrorist organization?

Here's an idea, residents of Green Bay: Maybe don't re-elect a man to City Council who shields his bigotry with feigned contrition.

[Photo via]

According to police who were involved in a high speed chase with a man in Michigan, when they finally were able to approach the man's car, he lit up a bong right in front of them. No big deal.

Michigan State cops were put on the chase around 3 a.m. when a man got away from officers, NBC24 reports. That's when the sweet, sweet weed-smoking allegedly began.

Michigan State troopers began their high-speed pursuit with the man in his 2002 Brown Buick at around 3 a.m. and during the chase, the man lost control of his vehicle, rolling over a number of times before ended up in a ditch. From NBC 24:

When the driver was approached by three officers, he showed no signs of being injured. He looked up, lit up a marijuana bong and began smoking while the officers attempted to break out a window.

The unidentified suspect was taken into custody and is being held in the Monroe County Jail on charges of fleeing and eluding, possession of marijuana, and operating under the influence of drugs.

Worth it, right? Right?

[Image via Shutterstock]

Big storms usually paint dramatic and beautiful scenes in the sky when viewed from both below and above. The nor'easter off the East Coast this afternoon is as photogenic as it is intense.

This image shows water vapor in the atmosphere around the 700 millibar level, or around 10,000 feet above sea level. Warmer colors show dry air, which is conductive to calm weather and clear skies, while progressively cooler colors show deep atmospheric moisture and likely where showers and thunderstorms are occurring.

This afternoon's water vapor image shows the strengthening nor'easter sitting east of the New Jersey coast. A batch of rain and thunderstorms are developing along the warm and occluded fronts near the low, while the cold front leads the charge of cool, dry air surging southeast into the Atlantic. The low pressure center is wrapping the dueling air masses around one another, creating the tsunami-like "wave" in the water vapor imagery.

It's the twenty-first century version of seeing things in the clouds. Here's a less dramatic looking view at the visible satellite imagery for the same time. The effects of the moist and dry air are still pretty clear:

[Images: NASA, WPC]

You can follow the author on Twitter or send him an email.

It is not surprising that Joan Rivers, upon the time of her death, was rich. She worked in Hollywood for 40-something years, and maniacally at that. But according to Us Weekly she was obscenely rich.

Per an "insider" who revealed details of Rivers' will, her daughter Melissa will inherit an estate worth over $100 million. $35 million of that comes from a "French-inspired" (what?) Manhattan condo, which isn't that surprising or interesting given the state of New York real estate. But another $75 million comes from cash. As in purely liquid, immediately spendable cash.

This fact seems to be glossed over by Us. Here is the exact relevant text of their story:

Melissa will inherit $75 million in cash and Joan's French-inspired $35 million condo on New York's Upper East Side, the insider tells Us.

No big deal. Just $75 million in cash. What?? Did Joan Rivers secretly work for Goldman Sachs?

Now, who knows if this number is actually correct. But even if Us was off by, say, a whole $25 million dollars, Joan Rivers still would have died with $50 million in the bank. Maybe I don't know a lot about money (I don't know a lot about money), but that's an extreme amount of cash for anyone, to say nothing of a comedian.

RIP Joan Rivers, you were very rich and didn't spend your money on dumb old cars. Very cool.

[image via Getty]

Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which an overexcited fairy flaps her wings over all of America and gently drops a tiny poop on each of your heads. This week, all the tabloids are Platonic ideals of garbage, and together we unravel the mystery of the disappearing Kardashian pets, the cup size of Ariana Grande's Future Boobs, and the contemporary analogue of Schrodinger's cat (how Jennifer Aniston can be simultaneously single and planning her wedding and furious at a third party—a sexy hurricane named Odile).

InTouch

"IT'S OVER!"

Buckle up, we are in for a ride through extremely salty water. Exhibit A: Dane Cook is described by the magazine as "actor and (alleged) comedian"—why the parentheses even?—and Kate Hudson is described by Dane Cook as having "purposely ate a feast of onions" before a kissing scene. Well, we can't be accidentally housing several dozen quarts of onions, can we? It's as Eleanor Roosevelt once put it, "The purpose of life is to eat a feast of onions." Amy Adams filled her cart with groceries. "DOOMSDAY PREPPING?" bellowed Cthulhu. "WORLD EXCLUSIVE": Dean McDermott wrote his ex a love letter. This is upsetting primarily because the ex in question gives Tori Spelling a copy of the letter on camera on her reality show; reading the letter makes Tori realize that Dean writes similar letters to her all the time, and all of love is a fraud. My theory: this letter is upsetting is because McDermott wrote You truly are an amazing women and then corrected the "e" to an "a." I'm sorry, I don't mean McDermott, I mean, some PA on Tori's TV show. In political news, the Kennedys feel "ATTACKED" by Katie Holmes because she's starring in another Kennedy miniseries for something called ReelzChannel. But Katie is "willing to face down powerful enemies for the sake of her art and her career." *Katie Holmes reenacts the William Wallace freedom scene while waving a flag printed with ReelzChannel logo* Here's the cover story: Justin Theroux "got cold feet" and "pulled the plug." He… is dead… and then killed someone else??? He "poured salt in Jen's wounds" and her "eyes have been opened." Jen is being mummified according to ancient Mesopotamian custom?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! MY GAWD. No wonder they keep postponing their wedding—sorry, their "nups." 8 different Kardashian pets have gone missing. Please pray for "Dolce: Hairless Chihuahua" and "Bernard Hopkins." Angelina Jolie believes she was a Buddhist monk in a past life. This is why she adopted Maddox from Cambodia, purportedly, which was SUCH a monkish thing to do! Demi Lovato and Demi Moore call each other "DM" and "DL," as in slide into your and I think he's on the. "They're super into being sober," says the source. Ariana Grande is "ready for a boob job." She wants a full B or C-cup. IDK Ariana, boobs are always greener, etc. SOME FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE CURRENTLY NOT ON DIETS! Mischa Barton "having snack attacks." *calls work to say I'm laid up with debilitating snack attacks*

Grade: F (getting Indian takeout with somebody that tries to put it in your butt right after)

US Weekly

"I Won't Betray My Beliefs"

Incredible scientific advances regarding the vocal boxes of Anseriformes Anatidae has brought us to this cover story: A Duck Daughter Tells All! She's dating now! Dating other ducks, I assume! Be careful of those CORKSCREW DICKS, gurl! Blake Lively is "glowing," "showing," and TALKIN BOUT HUBBY. "He's always good to me," Blake says. "That's, like, a jerky thing to say because you want to be able to complain about your husband." She spends a couple more seconds glowing forcefully at the reporter and then retreats into her limousine, where she checks a note on her iPhone. "That's right, isn't it, baby?" she asks Ryan. "Humans find it... humorous... to joke about spousal behavior?" Channing Tatum used to live on $6 a day and was afraid to ask girls out because he "couldn't afford dinner at Chili's." *orders an XL appetizer queso* Hey Channing *orders two Presidente margaritas* oh Hey Some things you don't know about Allison Janney: she was a former teen figure skater; a casting director once told her she'd only play aliens because she's six feet tall; she's great at playing Whac-a-Mole. *cries because of how badly I want to get high and play Whac-a-Mole with Allison Janney* Kristen Bell is in her third trimester and her 19-month daughter Lincoln has started offering Bell's stomach water and snacks. Kristen Bell's like "COOL............................................ where's the sloth though." Jon Gosselin has been evicted from his home in Pennyslvania because he aint pay his rent. It is more miraculous, honestly, that this real-life evil Teletubby was ever able to earn any money to pay rent at all. Dakota Johnson, lead in the Fifty Shades movie, "isn't coming off sexy enough. Ana needs to be naive, not a dishrag." *looks at a dishrag* that's true…. The young female duck on the cover of this magazine says her clothes are "daddy-approved" not as a rule, but out of respect for her duck dad and her duck god. She also tweeted that she only reads the last line of books—not bad, for a duck! Kate Middleton sent a handwritten note "to Malta" apologizing for her no-show status at her first "solo assignment as a royal." What do you think her sign-off was? Warmly, Kate "Malta Lover" The Great. All best, Catherine Princess Loves Her Little George Baby Cheekies Soooo Pudgy Hehehehehe Jesus Christ I've Been In This Room For So Damn Long LOL Malta Wish I Was Inside You HAHAHAAAA. "Count Joe Giudice out of carpool duty." I didn't know he was a count!!!!!!! Congratulations to Joe Giudice on getting out of carpool duty because he's titled as FUUCk

Grade: F (fountainous nosebleed while giving presentation to your whole company)

Star

"Stars Without Makeup!"

"ANYONE UP FOR AN A-LIST WEENIE ROAST?" screams Star magazine (Kathy Bates likes to go camping). Khloe Kardashian has a new sworn enemy. *braces self for amazing gossip* IT'S FOOD!!! *we all collectively go fuck ourselves* Nick Cannon "got cozy" with Amber Rose at the club. Uhhhhhhh can we Celebrity Death Match the hell out of the love-hate ex-sex-octagon conjured by this scenario? Juliette Lewis bought a 92-year-old lady some toilet paper at a North Carolina Harris Teeter and helped her get back into the nursing home van. "TP Hero!" howls Star in celebration. Hilary Swank secretly pays people's vet bills. Vets in Los Angeles supposedly have her on speed-dial to take care of the needy! She has a foundation called HILAROO! Matt Lauer's wife Annette filed for divorce back in 2006; Star got the papers, which call Lauer's behavior "cruel and inhumane." Annette withdrew the divorce petition soon after filing, potentially because she was pregnant with their third child. :( LEO DUMPED! Whatever man, some people dump like 3x a day. Zac Efron is dating a tech executive named Sami Miro who has a master's degree, speaks French and was a Junior Olympics gymnastics champ. Good that more male celebrities are joining Men In General and starting to punch way out of their league. Tori Spelling is going to give Dean McDermott a vasectomy for his 48th birthday. *opens birthday present to find disembodied vas deferens* Awwwww!!! *gently covers it up with lilac tissue paper* Awww *starts crying* that's so sweeettttt OH GOD, HERE'S THE MAKEUP-FREE GARBAGE DUMP. Everyone looks.... pretty chill! Bruce Jenner is maybe dating Kris Jenner's friend and former assistant Ronda Kamihira. This questionable information is shored up with a quote from Ronda's ex's autobiography, in which Ronda arouses such a "totally overpowering" lust in him that they are FORCED BY HORMONES to bang repeatedly in a walk-in refrigerator. But also—suggests a troll doll speaking to you from underneath the train tracks—maybe Kris Jenner is spreading these rumors to take the heat off Bruce's trans swag. Jon Gosselin abandoned a TINY KITTY NAMED MILLY when he was evicted from his house. *wields enormous sword over head* GOSSELIN, YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT NOW In a 2009 interview, Kesha said she'd never known her father; her father told Star that he played an "active role" in raising her. This somehow is connected to the Dr. Luke thing *cries for six hours because life is a nightmare* After raging hard with Lily Allen in LA, Harry Styles had his friend pull over on the 101 so he could jump out and "violently vomit" on the side of the highway. NOICE

Grade: F (eight-week yeast infection that just KEEPS GETTIN WORSE, BABE)

Life & Style

"Kardashian Sisters Dumped By Their Men!"

Lena Dunham has "only been eating foods that are the same color as [her] hair." VERY cool! Jennifer Aniston is calling off her wedding because of Hurricane Odile. Justin kindly explained that the universe was telling them they shouldn't get married. Jennifer never imagined that "a hurricane named Odile would wreck her happily ever after." She places a Lara Croft doll inside a miniaturized wind tunnel, writes ODILE on her forehead, bathes the doll in blood. Kanye dumped Kim on her birthday! That is what the headline says. Supporting evidence includes Kanye packing his bags for Europe and going away to do some work on his next album. "She is literally the last person to know about Kanye's plans," says a source. LITERALLY! Scott Disick is "torturing" Kourtney K. That's illegal! But partying like an absolute monster is not, so carry on. Tori Spelling's mom Candy has "virtually adopted" Tatum O'Neal as her "replacement daughter." ("Virtually adopted" = invited her to a party where the main decor was a "cluster of giant faux toadstools.") Life & Style asks a respected doctor composed of 100 Life & Style readers whether Kate Middleton is pregnant with twins. 83% of the doctor said yes! Congratulations to Kate Middleton on her translucent midsection. Chris Brown is back with Karrueche Tran but still liking Rihanna's Instagram pics. HOW CAN HE BE TRANSGRESSING SO BOLDLY WHEN SHE'S NOT EVEN ON INSTAGRAM ANYMORE Zac Efron bought 195,488 High School Musical dolls and he is going to live inside them in Los Feliz. Sorry, he spent the price of 195,488 HSM dolls to buy a house. Here's a retrospective through the last ten years of this magazine. "A-Listers Can't Stop Showing Us Their Babies," brags Life & Style. Same! Jennie Garth's favorite cocktail is "straight vodka." Of course it is.

Grade: F (pooping at a public pool and a baby crawls into your stall and screams)

OK!

"Finally Married!"

WHAT? I thought Jen & Justin had broken up? And they were both pulling plugs and pouring salt all over each other and their feet were turning to ice???? *consults the Oracle of Delphi to ascertain if tabloids tell the truth* Mila Kunis is trying to lose 45 pounds. I bet that she is not. Kendall Jenner is trying to get a secret boob job. She'll get in the Victoria's Secret show regardless!!!! Taylor Swift plans to kidnap Selena Gomez. *calls the police screaming* Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have two nannies per child; Angelina "would love to hire a few more nannies." LOL. Uh, can I have a nanny, for me? Ashton Kutcher painted a picture of a beaver, with his feet, for a commercial, for some piece of new electronics called Lenovo Yoga. What A Time to Be Alive!!!!! Nick Cannon "has a dagger in his heart." *rushes Nick Cannon to the hospital* Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston are going to get married at Christmas and it's gonna be in New York City and Terry Richardson's gonna take the pictures, sobbed some anonymous psycho on the OK! tipline answering machine. Shia The Beef is rehabilitating his image. After he was thrown in jail for 24 hours ("They put a Hannibal mask on me and a lead jacket," he said; was this the JAIL OF THE HUMAN IMAGINATION??) he decided to get his life back on track. "I had some hiccups," he said. Just drink water upside down!! "Is Jill [Duggar] the ultimate hipster?" I'm going to say ABSOLUTELY. She's already assisted in more than 70 at-home births (lol are you kidding me that is TEXTBOOK hipster) and is planning to "manage the pain and chaos of childbirth with the Word of God." Amal and George Alamuddin's starter home is a nine-bedroom, 17th-century, $16 million manor on the bank of the River Thames. *frowns at sticky spot on the floor of my apartment* hmm. Kylie Jenner has a "disappearing/reappearing mouth, cheekbones and hair." Congratulations to Kylie Jenner for a face gaping with spectral and capricious holes.

Grade: F (band-aid falling into family-size spinach artichoke dip)

Addendum:

Fig. 1, Life & Style

Fig. 2-4, InTouch

Deadspin Here's How 9/11 Truther Pete Carroll Would Have Prevented The Iraq War | Gizmodo The Hoverboard Is Real, and I Rode It | Jezebel Overanalyzing 'Basic' Is the Most Basic Move of All | Lifehacker How Piracy Benefits Companies, Even If They Don't Admit it | Kinja Popular Posts

Mark Zuckerberg has already won the race to become San Francisco's most obnoxious techie homeowner. But a report says another Noe Valley manse owned by a "tech couple" could surpass Fort Zuckerberg as the most expensive property in the neighborhood.

According to the San Francisco real estate blog SocketSite, an anonymous tech duo laid down $7 million for a 6,000-square-foot home earlier this year. That purchase alone "became the most expensive home to have ever traded hands in Noe Valley."

Since then, they've gobbled up nearby property to protect their seven million dollar view—and they're spending millions more to build an "underground bunker:"

Hidden behind an LLC, the couple has also quietly acquired the adjacent undeveloped parcel to the west (645 Duncan), a parcel upon which a 5,000-square-foot home was approved to rise and sparked a rather ironic fight to preserve "the character and charm" of Noe Valley.

Instead of building a four-story home on the lot, a development which would block the views from their home at 625 Duncan, the couple is working on plans to build a modern underground bunker on the parcel, an effective 800-square-foot addition to their home next door. The parcel will then be landscaped as a garden and playground for 625 Duncan, "with switchback paths and patios that terminate at the top of the property at a huge view deck…and lots of lounge chairs at every level," according to a plugged-in source.

When the renovations and expansions are complete, SocketSite estimates the property could become the area's "first eight-figure [...] estate."

So which "tech couple" plans to ride out San Francisco's class war in a stylish subterranean sanctuary? The usually gossip-heavy SocketSite doesn't drop any specifics, but we asked around and made a few educated guesses: Kevin and Julia Hartz (co-founders of Eventbrite), Ruchi and Aditya Agarwal (Facebook, Cove, Dropbox), and Kevin and Elizabeth Weil (Twitter, Andreessen Horowitz).

Know who it is for sure (or have a guess of your own)? Drop it in the comments, or email us at tips@valleywag.com.

By the end of this story you'll have learned some things about Tom Bergeron, teenage witches, spanking, carny lore, Lisa Kudrow and what makes Hallowe'en in particular so hallowed, among the e'ens. But let us not start at the middle, let's go back to the beginning: 8/7 central, tonight on the TV. With The Middle.

AT 8/7c.

• ABC's comedies about families trapped in a bygone era, The Middle and The Goldbergs, come alive as the Hecks discover eBay and podcasting, while in "Shall We Play A Game?" the titular Goldbergs discover computer hacking and the concept of popularity.
• On Survivor, tautology is the name of the game/episode, "Blood Is Blood," while the Arrow on Arrow goes to "Corto Maltese," Spanish for "short Maltese."
• Meanwhile on NBC Laura solves her Mystery "The Mystery Of The Red Runway," but comes no closer to solving the mystery that plagues so many of us: Laura herself.
• And finally, ABC Family has special Halloween episodes of their "comedies" Melissa & Joey and Baby Daddy, the latter of which involves strippers or something and but the former of which involves Beth Broderick, aka Aunt Zelda, arriving at Melissa Joan Hart's house to remind her of her previous life as, you guessed it, a Teenage Witch.

Thrill to this description: "At first Mel and Joe don't believe her, but then Joe's Halloween robot Scary Larry comes to life, and Mel accidentally turns Lennox into a cat." Sorry but that sounds great! I guess Melissa & Joey is a great show after all, and I was wrong all this time. Maybe Mystery Girls is also not a piece of shit, who knows or will ever find out. Not me—not ever!—but maybe you, and if so, good for you. You are brave. Maybe once you were a witch? (Let me know! hmu)

AT 9/8c.

• The 100 is down to "The 48" in the second season premiere of this great CW show where every day is a fresh hell! Clarke's all under surveillance and discovering cleanliness for the first time, the other bad kids are running around getting skewered and who knows what else, some few grownups have survived essentially the biggest car accident of all time, and will nothing kill Isaiah Washington? No, the answer is no. Not in this dystopia, sir.
• Couples Therapy on VH1, Criminal Minds, SVU ("Pornstar's Requiem") also. Three kinds of sex bummer.
• Or if you are not into that hugely, there are new episodes of Modern Family (guests Steve Zahn, Tyne Daly and Andrea Anders from Better Off Ted) and a black-ish about spanking that is going to spawn I would say roughly one hundred million ill-advised think-pieces tomorrow, because corporal punishment is like the cultural equivalent of Renee Zellweger's face: Rule one is you don't have anything to add, and rule two is, refer to rule one.

AT 10/9c.

• Top Chef introduces us to "Boston's Bravest & Finest," then cooks them foods.
• Nashville continues to give us all the Luke Wheeler I ever asked for, but for some reason I still find it a little hard to care this season. It's really one of those you have to focus on or else you will just find yourself doing the dishes and you're like, "How did I come to be in this room? I thought I was watching my show!" Not a bad thing, just a thing to keep in mind. Lost and The Killing were both the same way, and I hated the shit out of one of those shows and loved the other, and I won't tell you which is which but I think you can guess.
• Also recommended is The League, this week redundantly titled "Man Land," and whatever Ali G show FXX has seen to partner it with, versus South Park and Key & Peele.
• This clown over here will, of course, be watching American Horror Story: Freak Show, hoping to enjoy the annual Halloween two-parter (Wes Bentley as urban/carny legend Edward Mordrake, haver of a Quirrell head-face) despite its history as a mixed-bag operation.
• There's also new Chicago PD, How We Got To Now ("Glass"), the season finale of Franklin & Bash, Preachers of LA and Stalker—which again, way better than you think—along with some other fright shows including:
• CNBC's Filthy Rich Guide To Billionaire Bad Boys—the best kind of bad boys if you don't count Gator Boys on Animal Planet, also airing—and of course LMN's third season of I Killed My BFF ("Real Life Heathers") and ID's new funcedural Your Worst Nightmare with the not-at-all horrific premiere title, "Somebody's Watching."

Watch enough ID, DA, and LMN, every goddamn day can be Halloween.

AT 11/10c.

• It's Showtime's fourth season of Web Therapy (premiere title "Call in the Light"!), which means The Comeback on HBO (starting November 9) is going to overlap almost its entire run, so twice a week you can watch Lisa Kudrow as a brittle, unself-aware nutjob on both networks and the only difference is that The Comeback feels sorry for her on Sundays and and Web Therapy fucking hates her on Wednesdays. I like both. That's my modality.
• Otherwise it's an hour of Girl Code, an episode of I Heart Nick Carter that was made to be hearted, "Dude, I Love You," or what looks like a backdoor special on LMN called Relentless about people who thanks to tragedies, abductions, etc., must become fully relentless.
• However, one thing you are not allowed to Watch is What Happens: Live, wherein Tom Bergeron (the affable, ageless author of a 2009 book that quote "details his career and other oddball stuff along with some zen and life lessons" according to an oddly casual Wikipedia entry) and genocidal transphobe/indigo idiot Jenny McCarthy, who deserves neither your attention nor your sympathy despite seeming pretty cool a very long time ago.

So there you have it. Tonight's television and other oddball stuff along with some zen and life lessons (but mostly oddball stuff). Have a great night—please stop tweeting at me about live TV as it happens unless you can quickly learn to be more chill and vague on Twitter, there's a zen life lesson for ya—and just know in your marrow that I'll be miserable until I see you again tomorrow. Goodnight.

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. What are you watching tonight? What are we missing out on? Recommendations and discussions down below.

Clearwater, FL police say 33-year-old Melissa Dawn Sellers was taken into custody this week after she went a little overboard and called her roommate some names she regretted the next morning. Just kidding, she lit him on fire!

Police say Sellers and her roommate, 42-year-old Carlos Ortiz Jr.—spoiler alert!!!—had both been drinking when Ortiz broke the cardinal roommate rule of not fucking with the other person's food.

Sellers apparently went into a rage when she realized Ortiz had thrown out her spaghetti and meatballs, which she had presumably kept in the fridge for a week or two but fully planned on eating at some point, so if you need more space, Carlos, why don't you just clean out your own damn shelf and shut the hell up?

And then she lit him on fire.

Reports Bay News 9:

"She was setting little objects on fire, then that turned into pouring nail polish remover all over him, and then all of a sudden, the lighter sparked and he lit on fire," said Causevic.

Causevic said she threw water on Ortiz and tore his shirt off, trying to put out the fire.

"When he got up, his face was like melting off, it was pink and sore," said Causevic. "His lips were burning."

Ortiz was taken to Tampa General Hospital, where he is listed in critical condition with burns to his face, chest and shoulders.

Sellers has been charged with aggravated battery. Hopefully she will meet someone nice in jail.

[image via Shutterstock]

Another day, another security breach at the White House.

According to reports, a man made it over the White House fence today before he was taken down by a U.S.S.S. dog. Although reports say the Secret Service responded quickly, video from the incident shows the man was not immediately surrounded.

The man managed to kick one dog and repeatedly punch and wrestle another dog before Secret Service agents ultimately subdued him.

This time, the agents reportedly did not allow him to run into the West Wing with a knife.

In 2012, Ellen Pao, a partner at the Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers, sued the venerated venture capital firm for sexual harassment and discrimination. It was a more cloistered time and the allegations were shocking, creating a fissure in Silicon Valley's self-image and spurring a wider discussion about sexism in the tech industry.

However, a new ruling in the case will allow Kleiner Perkins to keep some of its skeletons hidden, potentially hurting Pao's case when it goes to trial in February. Reuters says the firm was "saved" by California privacy laws from releasing any other harassment complaints against Ajit Nazre, the former partner and alleged harasser:

A judge ruled Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers, defending itself against allegations of discrimination and retaliation, will be able to keep to itself any other harassment complaints against former male partner at the center of the lawsuit, Ajit Nazre, in part because producing such complaints would hurt the privacy rights of other Kleiner employees.

Pao has since moved on to run business development and strategic partnerships at Reddit. Her suit also claims Kleiner denied her a promotion and better compensation after she brought the alleged harassment to the firm's attention.

Her lawyers have been allowed to see certain documents related to retaliation, including records around Nazre's promotion and departure in 2012. According to Reuters:

The group that Pao's lawyers seek to compare her with comprises two other female junior partners and three male junior partners. The three males were promoted to senior partner in 2011, while none of the women were, the suit contends.

The lawyers will be able to review any guidelines or criteria for the allocation to junior partners of a lucrative type of compensation known as carried interest, but Kleiner doesn't have to conduct an email review for those documents, the judge said.

Pao's lawyers argued that other claims of harassment against Nazre are relevant to her case, but the judge weighed in the privacy interest of third parties, says Reuters:

Pao's lawyers had argued that any other complaint against Nazre would shed light on his "behavioral tendencies." Kleiner's lawyers had said that because Pao's claims are limited to discrimination and retaliation, not harassment, Nazre's "behavioral tendencies" were irrelevant.

Pao had said in her suit that she "succumbed" to a brief affair with Nazre him in 2006 after he harassed her. Her subsequent refusal to continue a romantic relationship led to retaliation and discrimination, she claimed.

Nazre "disappeared" for awhile after the lawsuit was filed, then resurfaced with a role at a telecom company in India.

To contact the author with information about this case, please email nitasha@gawker.com.

[Image via Kleiner Perkins]

The first trailer from Avengers 2: Age of Ultron today leaked out today, and thanks to the power of the internet you can still check it out despite Marvel's cease-and-desist efforts.

The decidedly dark James Spader-as-Ultron-narrated preview was supposed to air after next week's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. but apparently leaked out early, prompting an on-brand tweet from Marvel Wednesday night.

Dammit, Hydra.

— Marvel Entertainment (@Marvel) October 22, 2014

The film won't be released until summer 2015, but the basic synopsis is already out. Via the Verge:

Marvel Studios presents "Avengers: Age of Ultron," the epic follow-up to the biggest Super Hero movie of all time. When Tony Stark tries to jumpstart a dormant peacekeeping program, things go awry and Earth's Mightiest Heroes, including Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, The Incredible Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye, are put to the ultimate test as the fate of the planet hangs in the balance. As the villainous Ultron emerges, it is up to The Avengers to stop him from enacting his terrible plans, and soon uneasy alliances and unexpected action pave the way for an epic and unique global adventure.

Marvel's "Avengers: Age of Ultron" stars Robert Downey Jr., who returns as Iron Man, along with Chris Evans as Captain America, Chris Hemsworth as Thor and Mark Ruffalo as The Hulk. Together with Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow and Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye, and with the additional support of Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury and Cobie Smulders as Agent Maria Hill, the team must reassemble to defeat James Spader as Ultron, a terrifying technological villain hell bent on human extinction. Along the way, they confront two mysterious and powerful newcomers, Wanda Maximoff, played by Elizabeth Olsen, and Pietro Maximoff, played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson, and meet an old friend in a new form when Paul Bettany becomes Vision.

[Updated with the official trailer posted to Marvel's YouTube page]

That's it conservatives. You've reached peak level for Reagan references. There's no more out there which can top this. Just give up. Don't bother with drill, baby drill. Reagan has just stopped being a renewable resource. Former Reagan aide Douglas MacKinnon wants a neo-confederacy—named Reagan.

MacKinnon was speaking to conservative radio personality Janet Mefferd, according to Right Wing Watch. The author was promoting his new book, "The Secessionist States of America: The Blueprint for Creating a Traditional Values Country … Now." OF COURSE, MacKinnon swears he's only being hypothetical. It's only a thought experiment. Completely academic! Except, you know, if it happened, he would totally be cool with that, and of course he has the perfect name already.

If it moves beyond the academic, then it's one of those things, too, where obviously now – in the age of instant communication – the world would also know about this country. The interim name for the country, by the way, is Reagan.

Why am I calling this an anti-gay nation state? Because part of those "traditional values" is the total lack of discrimination protection in public accommodations for lesbians, gays, and bisexuals in same-sex relationships. Can you just imagine what the Neoconfederate States of AMURICAH would do with transgender people?

If you happen to refuse to bake a cake for a gay couple because it goes against your religious beliefs, you can be driven out of business. If you're a football commentator and you happen to just say innocently that maybe I wouldn't have drafted a gay football player because I wouldn't want to deal with the distraction, many people on the left will try to drive you out of your job as well.

And my fellow lady type people? If you're getting Gilead vibes (you know, the nation state, not to be confused with a different novel altogether), you are not alone. This sounds frighteningly like someone used Margaret Atwood's famous novel as an operating manual. Hell, MacKinnon doesn't even think we need all the states. Just Georgia, Florida and South Carolina. He cited the states's populations, natural resources, and water body access as ideal for the neoconfederacy.

We look at what states would be viable in terms of doing something like this. In fact, what states would provide sort of the new landmass for a new republic dedicated to traditional values. And the consensus was that the three best states in the union would be South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida.

I hate to tell you dude, but Atlanta is pretty gay. It's also pretty black. It's also liberal as fuck. All those people you don't like, right there in the northern central part of the state. Just taking up prime real estate.

So what about everyone's favorite perennially secession threatening state, my home, the Great State of Texas?

[T]here have been a number of incursions into Texas and other places from some of the folks in Mexico.

Oh, right. Brown people. Got it.

You can listen to the entire interview here, but fair warning, it's a real doozy:

Image via Shutterstock/Audio via Right Wing Watch.