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1 Pilot Dead After Virgin Space Tourism Plane Crashes During Test

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1 Pilot Dead After Virgin Space Tourism Plane Crashes During Test

Two of Richard Branson's space tourism planes—SpaceShipTwo and WhiteKnightTwo—lifted off on their first test flights in nine months today, but at some point during the test SpaceShipTwo suffered what Virgin is calling an "in-flight anomaly," killing one pilot and injuring another. Authorities confirmed the casualty in a press conference this afternoon.

UPDATE (5:05 p.m.): A local sheriff noted in today's press conference that the pilot who died was "obviously deceased immediately" while the injured pilot had "major injuries." Neither pilot has been named, and the current condition of the injured pilot was not disclosed.

The sheriff also noted that the crash site is along a "spread out" area.

Virgin Galactic first reported the issue on its official Twitter account.

It had tweeted only six minutes prior that the plane was airborne.

But in today's press conference, officials noted that the difference between the separation of SpaceShipTwo from WhiteKnightTwo, its mother plane, and the "anomaly" was only two minutes. It separated at 10:10 local time and was in distress at 10:12 local time.

Per NBC, SpaceShipTwo stays attached to WhiteKnightTwo until it reaches a certain altitude, at which point it detaches and begins flying on in its own. The network also reported that today's test flight was delayed due to weather:

Friday's test got off to a slow start. SpaceShipTwo spent more than three hours on the Mojave runway, slung beneath its WhiteKnightTwo mothership, while the ground team assessed whether the weather was right for flight. The go-ahead was finally given for takeoff at 9:19 a.m. PT (12:19 p.m. ET).

It took WhiteKnightTwo about 45 minutes to get to 50,000 feet, the altitude at which it released SpaceShipTwo for free flight.

SpaceShipTwo is piloted by two people, and according to a local news report based on scanner traffic, one pilot is dead while the other was being transported via helicopter for treatment:

Scanner traffic indicated there was one fatality in the plane crash. Virgin Galactic previously announced that the rocket plane had "experienced an in-flight anomaly" on its Twitter page. A medical helicopter carried one patient to Lancaster for treatment.

Here is a photo of what appears to be the wreckage of SpaceShipTwo.

Twitter users listening to earlier scanner traffic reported one survivor, with the other pilot being unaccounted for.

In May, Virgin announced that it was altering the fuel mixture for SpaceShipTwo.

Here is video of a SpaceShipTwo test flight from January.

[image via AP]


Like Winona Ryder's Career, But Sexier: A Discussion With Juno Temple

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Like Winona Ryder's Career, But Sexier: A Discussion With Juno Temple

While watching Juno Temple's exquisite performance in Alexandre Aja's new fantasy/horror/comedy Horns, a name popped into my head: "Winona." In the film, Temple is an angelic and ideal human with a hint of darkness, not unlike the character Winona Ryder played in Edward Scissorhands. Nursing my opinion is the Burton-esque nature of the movie itself, an at times grisly fairytale about an outcast named Ig Perrish (Daniel Radcliffe) who's accused of murdering his girlfriend Merrin (Temple) and then sprouts horns on his head that work as a truth serum to almost everybody he encounters. One by one, friends, family, and, strangers start spilling their most sinful desires to him. Horns is absurd and its tonal variation abrupt enough to exhilarate or infuriate, depending on your taste (it's rare to see a movie that's so uproariously hilarious and gruesome).

I don't mean to pigeonhole Temple—I only mean to convey the surge of admiration I felt for this actor while watching Horns by comparing it to that which I had while watching peak Winona. Besides, it would be useless to even attempt to put Temple into any box, because at 25 with more than 30 films under her belt, she is thriving on variety. The British actor (and daughter of director Julien Temple) has played a fairy (Maleficent), a stripper (in Jill Soloway's Afternoon Delight), Anne of Austria (The Three Musketeers), Jane Parker (The Other Boleyn Girl), a rape survivor (Atonement), a schizophrenic American tourist in Chile (Magic Magic), and a Southern simpleton (Killer Joe).

"I knew her work, and I knew her from being very different," Aja told me by phone last week. "During [their first] meeting, I saw how sparkling, and charming, and ethereal, and unique, and kind of other-worldly she was. And I thought she was exactly the character as I was picturing Merrin. She's kind of this memory that you don't want to lose."

I talked with Temple this week in a suite at the Trump SoHo, where she was doing press for Horns. When I mentioned the taste of Winona that came to me when watching this performance and the surveying her bold film choices, she took it as the compliment that I intended it to be—she told me that she once told another interviewer that if she could have anyone's career, it would be Ryder's. We discussed Horns, Temple's onscreen sexuality (which accounts for a huge difference between her approach to her career and Ryder's), and fame. Toward the end, I slipped in a few questions from Rolling Stone's 1991 Winona Ryder cover story for the sake of comparison. A condensed and edited transcript of our conversation is below.

Gawker: This movie relies on its ability to make its audience fall in love with you. Were you aware of that? Was it your goal to seduce the audience?

I think it was more for me that I was really invested in the relationship between Merrin and Ig. I really wanted that to feel like it was a true love affair, so I spent a lot of time with Dan. Me and him kicked it a lot trying to get to know each other, so it felt like we'd known each for a while and felt safe together. 'Cause that's the way the relationship works on camera. You have to feel safe. You have to feel close with somebody. So that was key. I think Alex Aja definitely lit me specifically. They did that to try to make me look as angelic as possible. I need all the help I can get.

You've been nude onscreen before, you've talked about it. Is there anything liberating in being sexual onscreen, as you are especially in the love scene in this movie?

As a woman, I think it's hard sometimes being naked on camera because you do get penalized a bit for it. But being sexualized, as long as it's seen in the right way in a love-making scene—making love is really sexy. And I think it's important that there's a difference between that scene between Merrin and Ig, and then later on the scene in the forest, where it's a fucking destructive, horrible scene.

It's a rape scene.

Rape and murder, and just... ugh. I think you treat it like you would if you were in love with somebody. Sex scenes are weird to shoot, in general, because they're boring and very technical. But I got on so well with Dan, we had a laugh about it, and I think you sometimes allow yourself a shot of whiskey to do something like that (laughs). But they kinda don't faze me. I think the most nervous I've ever been shooting a movie was shooting a gun at the end of Killer Joe. That shit fucking threw me for a loop.

Because it was an actual gun?

Yeah. You fire blanks, obviously. I'm an English girl who grew up pretending I lived in the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland—my own fantasy world. The idea of holding something that could actually take someone's life—I don't want to play God, never have. Never interested in that. That to me is way scarier than showing a bit of nipple.

You mentioned possibly being penalized for being sexual. It seems like you're aware of that, but not afraid of it.

No. Fuck that. I think America can be a little frustrating about nude scenes. Making movies is about showing all different things, but America embraces violence more than it does nudity. Sometimes I get very frustrated about that. I feel very European about that. You can sunbathe topless on the beach in Europe.

Well, it's very hypocritical, too. There's a clear fascination with sex in our culture, but also shame about it, and that gets taken out on other people, especially women.

What annoys me sometimes is how instead of embracing female sexuality, it gets abused. You use a hot, sexual girl in a way that isn't done beautifully. It's unusual to not enjoy sex, to not enjoy being sexual, to not enjoy that part of life, because it's such a liberating and magical thing. But weirdly, showing it on camera, it can be done so wrong, and that's something I'm afraid of. I don't ever want to be shown as a hot piece of ass. I'll take my clothes off if it's valid for the scene, if it's important, if it's a love-making scene. I think sometimes being naked on camera can be very vulnerable, and that really works for a scene, too. But I think there has to be meaning behind it. I'm not a girl that's just like, "Woo hoo! I'm an exhibitionist."

You've said, "I like to play women who have something going on." Is selecting roles a political act for you?

I'm definitely interested in playing interesting female characters, absolutely. I like the idea of playing characters that I'm not going to judge. I've played characters that are quite unforgiving, ones that you don't ever really like, so I don't mind that. I think the big thing for me is I like a challenge, but I also have to trust my director. You have to have somebody who's got your back.

The conventional wisdom is that there are no strong roles for women, but this doesn't seem to have been a problem for you.

I think it comes and goes in waves. I think at times there are such amazing roles for young women. I also think of my age group, there is such amazing talent. So it's exciting, that in itself, that even if you're not working, you're excited to go see what else is being portrayed out there. I'm so inspired by so many of the girls my age, like Mia Wasikowska, Jennifer Lawrence, Carey Mulligan. These women, who are so fucking brilliant at what they do, you learn from.

Do you feel a sense of competition with any of the actresses you named?

Not really, because the thing that makes sense to me is when you see a film that you loved but maybe auditioned for and it didn't go your way, when you see it, it always makes sense why you weren't cast. The women I named, I really, really so admire what they do. I think things happen for a reason. It doesn't mean I don't get sad when I don't get a role. Absolutely, I'd be heartbroken, but I think that's also because I care.

Do you care about box office?

Not at all, actually. It's embarrassing sometimes when people will be like, "Oh that movie was a complete failure." Was it? I went to see it. Maybe I should [care]. Maybe that would be savvier. But for me it's all about the work. Of course it's sad sometimes when you do these great independent films that nobody sees that you're really proud of and that people fought tooth and nail to get made, and fought tooth and nail to make. You really sweat and bleed for some of them and they don't have a life and that's sad. But I've never been interested in being a movie star. I want to be an actress. I want to do this forever. It's about the work for me. I understand that if box office can mean that you bring more money to movies, then I probably mean a whopping $12.

Do you think you missed anything by going into acting so young?

No. At one point, when I was at school I booked this quite big movie that I would have had to take a whole, as you guys say, semester off [for], and my parents were like, "It's not worth it. You're 17. Go to school." A big thing for me growing up was education. The one thing maybe is that I wanted to go to fashion school. I almost went twice and picked film over that. But I also think there's time for those sorts of things.

What's your relationship to fame?

It comes hand in hand with success. I wouldn't think of myself as famous. I get recognized sometimes, but it's very much like, "I've seen you before…have I?" "I don't know, maybe." And sometimes it's like (covers herself), "I don't know, maybe," while you're getting your cereal in Trader Joe's. Obviously, I want to work so I know that [fame] could happen, but at this point in my life I can still go in my dirty sweatpants to get milk around the corner. I'd like to keep it that way as long as possible.

[Image via AP]

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

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The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

Thirty-nine years ago in Japan, Hello Kitty, the global emissary of cuteness, made her public debut. She appeared on a plastic coin purse priced at 240 yen, or about 80 cents.

She had been invented the previous year, in 1974, by the Sanrio company. "According to our own research, the most popular animal character was a dog, then a white cat, and the third one was a bear," recalled Shintaro Tsuji, Sanrio's founder and CEO. "Snoopy already existed as a dog character—that's why we went for the second most popular character. We asked the artists to design a character based on a white cat."

Tsuji would eventually become a billionaire, thanks to the reach of Sanrio's "three concepts of friendship, cuteness and thoughtfulness." These qualities Hello Kitty has embodied for four decades; there are now more than 400 lesser Sanrio characters alongside her, including Bad Badtz-Maru, Keroppi, Tuxedo Sam, and my own favorite from back in the '80s, the lazy little pig called Zashikibuta.

Japan was much on the American mind in the late 1970s and early '80s. Its economy was the envy of the world: Its auto industry was exploding, likewise the memory chip industry, and each day tens of millions of cassette tapes were clicking snugly into their Sony Walkmen. American companies began to emulate Japanese management techniques. The infatuation spread over the culture: A taste for green tea, raw fish, edamame, and wasabi would soon become very nearly as American as apple pie.

The elegant outer-space soap opera Super Dimension Fortress Macross blew the mind of every red-blooded American dork. Yohji Yamamoto, Issey Miyake and Rei Kawakubo were making entirely new, beautiful, dramatic things to wear that seemed far more refined, to a certain sensibility, than anything coming out of Italy, England or France, let alone the US: simultaneously more austere and subtler, yet wilder in imagination. In 1983 Ryuichi Sakamoto of the Yellow Magic Orchestra collaborated with Japan's David Sylvian on "Forbidden Colours." This was the theme song from the film Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence, starring the gloriously handsome Sakamoto alongside David Bowie, then too at the height of his beauty.

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

The craftsmanship in all of these things was superb. Transcendental, even, with their limitless perfectionism, their eye to the most delicate minutiae. Many young American designers and artists felt, as I did then, that Tokyo was the epicenter of all elegance. Those of us who lived in downtown Los Angeles shopped at Yaohan in Little Tokyo, goggled at the ruinously expensive books and magazines at the Kinokuniya in the New Otani Hotel, bought vintage paper goods at Little Tokyo Art and Gift, and dined at the (relatively affordable) Suehiro Cafe, where we tried to learn how not to make a mess of eating sushi. We learned something of Japanese visual history and cinema, about woodblock prints and "the floating world", and maybe even read Sei Shōnagon (who, I believe, wrote the world's first listicles, in the eleventh century).

It was in this atmosphere that Hello Kitty influence took hold and grew. Sanrio's designs from this period were (and are) entirely delightful, from the gaiety and subtlety of their palettes to their unexpectedly clever and perfectionistic functionality, their slightly unhinged approach to English composition, and the sense of aimless play, of friendliness and pleasantness, in which these beautiful and funny little characters greeted the world.

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

[Collection of the author]

Even so, they're things you can buy in a shop, and it is super-odd to see things that you can buy (or once bought) in a shop on display in a museum—for example the Japanese American National Museum in Los Angeles's Little Tokyo, which is where last week I saw the Hello Kitty Weekly Memo pad I bought decades ago, in a lucite case.

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

[Collection of the author]

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

[Collection of the author]

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

Where does all this leave the museum gift shoppe, one wonders.

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

Hello! Exploring the Supercute World of Hello Kitty is part of Hello Kitty's 40th anniversary celebration in Los Angeles, to be followed by the first Hello Kitty Con at the Geffen Contemporary at MOCA, and a Hello Kitty 40th birthday party to be held at the Line Hotel in Koreatown.

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

Fittingly, the JANM museum exhibit is divided into two parts: one part commerce and one part art. The product part of the exhibit was curated by anthropologist Christine Yano, author of Pink Globalization: Hello Kitty's Trek Across the Pacific (Duke University Press, 2013); the art exhibit upstairs was curated by Jamie Rivadeneira, owner of the retail shop JapanLA. (Rivadeneira also curated the Hello Kitty pop-up exhibit at Royal/T, Culver City's late, lamented tea shop/gallery, five years ago.)

Rivadeneira commissioned dozens of original works from artists known and unknown for the exhibit. There's a submarine designed by Paul Frank, and a big shocking-pink Gary Baseman painting; both of these artists, long and visibly influenced by Sanrio, now returning their contributions to the source.

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

The whole exhibition is quite fun. Jamie Rivadeneira, the "commercial" retailer/curator, appears to have a far better grasp of what Hello Kitty is about than does the scholar/curator Yano, though the sheer volume of product on display will give the student of popular culture, as well as the Sanrio lover, much to admire and consider throughout the exhibit.

When I met her Rivadeneira was wearing a black and white dress printed with images of Kittypatra, the 12-foot fiberglass sculpture of Hello Kitty as Cleopatra that appears in the exhibit. Rivadeneira sells the dress at her shop, and Sanrio carries it as well. The blurring of the lines between commercial and museum work in this exhibition gets eye-crossing. Yet Rivadeneira herself so clearly knows and loves Hello Kitty's strange allure that it becomes difficult to say exactly what the problem with that overlap is.

I asked her to tell me about her feelings about the relationship between art and commerce.

"The message of Hello Kitty is so positive, such a big part of Japan, that it makes sense to educate people, like: Hey, this is why there are so many Hello Kitty fans: it's more than just consumerism? It's a message and a feeling and like, a love for something that people experienced as a child, and can give to their children, so I feel like it's more of a special message."

Much as I would like to argue with that, I can't.

Yano's book, Pink Globalization, is terrible, unfortunately. She attempts to maintain a decorous intellectual distance from her "lowbrow" subject matter, an approach that proves fatal to the book's intelligibility; sympathy and identification have been traded away for a boatload of jargon. There is talk of "unabashed commodity fetishism in its classic Marxist formulation" and people raise "skeptical Adorno-arched eyebrows of disbelief" in there.

The root of the problem is that Yano shows real contempt for the people and things she's trying to describe and explain.

Here's one example among many, regarding the transcripts of interviews Yano conducted with Hello Kitty superfans that appear in the book:

Some readers may feel that the fan interviews I quote here represent an overload of sentiment, a barrage of capitalist frenzy, a besotted attachment to a commodity. Without apology, I agree, and suggest that these readers skip over the interviews themselves and head to the conclusions I draw from them at the end of the chapter... Most fans I spoke with concur that their desire for such feline acquisition goes far beyond rational explanation into the realm of insatiable hunger.

Just to be clear: Here is a book that says, in the book, "Don't read what is written in here! Skip to the good parts, which are my opinions."

But the most disastrous (and most comical) gaffe in Pink Globalization is the author's horrified discovery of a "site of fervent anti-Kitty sentiment" that "speaks in dead seriousness—the Christian right." Internet aficionados will be surprised to learn that Yano is here speaking of the Christian moralists of the Landover Baptist Church, the well-known satirical website (" Hello Kitty - Satanic Jap Hate-Cult Exposed!"). "Dead serious" is the one thing that those Landover Baptists are giantly not.

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

Hello Kitty is a character who does not inhabit narrative, only product. That is in sharp contrast to Snoopy or Bugs Bunny, personalities with particular attributes. The way Snoopy dances with his nose up in the air when he's overjoyed, his tenderness toward Woodstock, his determination and imaginativeness—all are fixed characteristics that add up to something like a "person." And Bugs is very nearly the archetype of the ideal American: brave, optimistic, funny, wisecracking, kind. Endlessly resourceful, full of cheek and vim.

By contrast, Hello Kitty is a cipher. Her personality consists simply in friendliness, prettiness, gentleness. She has a backstory, mind you: a family, including a twin sister Mimmy, a pie-baking Mama, and Papa and grandparents, and even a boyfriend, Dear Daniel (they get married once in a while, like Barbie and Ken). This is in part because the merchandise is the context; the Hello Kitty merchandise came first, much of it in the form of toys. And because toys are to play with, they are partly empty vessels for you to fill with your own ideas, stories, desires. That's why it's relatively difficult to describe the personalities of Barbie or Bratz dolls. They can be anything you like.

But something happened to Hello Kitty after her simple introduction. Aiming for a plain lowest-common-denominator appeal, the Sanrio designers—unconsciously, it seems—had tapped into a richly evocative, concentrated image of total unforced cuteness and prettiness. Hello Kitty became not a personality, but a sort of avatar; an extension of what you might like to project about yourself. She came to be something not only to play with, but to wear.

And wearing Hello Kitty has always, since all the way back in the '80s, sent a particular message. Or several messages, rather. One is an inward message, from the wearer to herself, a totemic message of sweetness and comfort. Wearing Hello Kitty makes one feel kind of safe in a childlike way: nothing can hurt or scare you when you have your Hello Kitty watch on, or your keyring or your cute socks.

To the outside world, wearing Hello Kitty shows that you like cute things (like: yes, I am very cool, or very rich, or very sardonic, or very goth, whatever but STILL I love cute things, so!). There is a great appeal, too, for fans in signaling their love of Hello Kitty to each other. One of the superfans interviewed by Yano put it this way:

"[S]ometimes you just kinda look around at the [Sanrio] clientele... and I'm like, 'Oh my god, they're like me!' Like the girls in there, you can tell we like the same things outside of Kitty... Tiffany and Co. seems to be really in with Kitty people, with Sanrio people. And designer bags like Coach or Louis Vuitton, that kinda thing, Prada... Like, I like Lilly Pulitzer clothes 'cause they're bright and pink, and I see a lot of people [at the Sanrio store] with this same thing that I like. Or like, Juicy bags, Juicy Couture is very pink and feminine, and so it's just weird."

(I'll say! But also: YEAH.)

Yano asked her: "If you were to describe your type of people or this type of people, besides pink and feminine, are there any other adjectives that you could think of that could sort of get at that?"

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

"I think you can't be an unhappy person and like Sanrio," she replied. "'Cause I don't think people who aren't happy with themselves and happy with life would like it. It's bigger than the Kitty; it's something about the way you are. It's not just about Kitty, it's about being able to get what you like in life and be happy with it."

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

When Greg Kimura took the helm of the Japanese American National Museum in 2012, the institution was running a $500,000 deficit. "We’re going to have to do more broad, innovative, bold, sexy programming to get people in," he said. And Kimura has been as good as his word; his exhibitions so far have featured the Dodgers baseball team, the history of tattoos, and depictions of Asian Americans in U.S. comics, as well as what might be reckoned more predictable exhibits, such as an examination of Nisei soldiers in the Second World War. The public has responded very favorably to this populist approach, by all accounts; there's already enormous buzz around the Hello Kitty show, at 20 bucks a pop.

Kimura is elegant, dark-haired, not too tall, wearing a dark suit, a blinding white shirt and a gorgeous (and very obviously Japanese) patterned tie. He is a native of Alaska, and a yonsei, or fourth-generation Japanese-American, who holds a degree in theology from Harvard and a doctorate in philosophy from Cambridge University.

I got a chance to talk with him during a pre-exhibition press event in the exhibit hall—a spacious, high-ceilinged, warmly lit space expertly transformed into a tidy, pink Sanrio palace by designer Sam Mellon, who has managed to create a calm, refreshing experience from what must have begun as the chaos of thousands of brightly colored, pretty things. There are countless lucite cases, displays both vertical and horizontal containing tiny figures, buttons, candies, barrettes or jewels. There is a huge wall display of dozens of Hello Kitty backpacks. A series of red bows on the floor leads you into rooms containing paintings or cuddly toys, or dresses, or Swarovski-encrusted minaudieres. The experience reminded me a little of visiting the Victoria and Albert museum in London, which is likewise brimming with stuff everywhere. Here though, it's the produce of an empire, rather than its plunder.

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

The atmosphere around Greg Kimura was rather giddy, in part because of the beautiful and weird setting, and in part because many members of the press in attendance (a packed crowd, representing everyone from MTV to NPR to Xinhua to Agence France-Presse) so obviously were, or had been, Sanrio fans themselves, like me. That made the experience weirdly familiar for many, I think, evoking nostalgia along with delight and surprise. One supercute blogger even wore a red Hello Kitty bow in her hair.

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

I started by asking Kimura the obvious question: how is a deal like this made? Here is a museum exhibition of goods manufactured by the exhibition's sponsor. Who pays whom; is there a revshare deal?

There's a bright line of separation between Sanrio and what the museum does. We are here to tell a story. But it's not as though we are recreating the wheel... there was the Armani show, there was the Harley-Davidson show [at the Guggenheim]. But I was most influenced in my thinking about this show when my wife dragged me kicking and screaming three years ago to the Met, to see the Alexander McQueen exhibit. Now, I am not a fan of fashion; when we went there were lines wrapped around the building outside, and we became members of the Met so that we could wait in the VIP member line, and it still took us an hour to get in. But I was really glad that I went to it, because I learned something.

I'd always pooh-poohed fashion as an art form, I'm much more into fine art or even contemporary or pop art. But I was able to see the connection between fashion, the art world, modeling, portraiture—it was all this very interesting sort of mix. And beautifully done: the exhibit itself was a piece of art. I was heavily influenced by that exhibit, and thought, what could we do here that would be something of an analog to that?

So when the opportunity came along for us to partner [with Sanrio], it was a no-brainer.... But we have to maintain the integrity the museum as an institution, in our disinterested and dispassionate position as a curator of aesthetic and cultural things.

We talked a bit about the hysteria that had arisen in September around reports of Sanrio's sensational claim that Hello Kitty is not a cat. "This is a token of how closely connected people are emotionally to Hello Kitty... this exhibit doesn't try to answer that question; we don't want to. We want people to tell us who she is."

She's a kitty!

"She is! Okay. My five-year-old daughter tells me she's maneki-neko, and I never argue with my five-year-old daughter."

He continued: "I was talking with a colleague of mine who is the head of a religion department in Los Angeles: is Hello Kitty a cat? And she said, it raises these questions: Is it the inventor or creator who gives something meaning, or the interpreter? It raises all these hermeneutical philosophical sort of questions. So she's starting to use Hello Kitty as an example of this in her scriptural interpretation classes."

The Empire of Harmlessness: Hello Kitty at 40

A lot of people discussing Hello Kitty, in Yano's book and elsewhere, struggle to define the idea of "cute", which is widely agreed to be Hello Kitty's central characteristic. For me, a cute person or a dress, a character or object, or toy or a puppy or kitten, has an immediate appeal that asks nothing in return. It is happy, sweet, it somehow exists in this dark world, unsullied, disinterestedly lovely, and fun, and it will be that way with or without you. Just something lovely, that is it, doesn't know it, isn't smirking with self-satisfaction, doesn't want to sleep with you or extract your credit card number.

It's literally harmless. When in fact harmless is the very best thing we can be. Very hard to be it! That should go without saying, but it does not. That quality is serious and rare and legitimately precious. It also makes certain people go a little crazy, like the ultra-fanatical Hello Kitty collectors Yano interviewed in her book who spend hundreds or thousands every month on Hello Kitty things.

Maybe that's not so surprising, because you can sense at some deep, disquieting level that it would be possible for the world to be beautiful and simple, for there to be peace. But it's not; there's not. So maybe it's simply a matter of pushing the button over and over, to feel that peaceful sensation again.

Yano quotes Sanrio creative manager Dan Peters on what Hello Kitty means: "all things cute, innocent, and the wonderment of life." This is what Hello Kitty from her earliest incarnation has represented: the simplest kind of prettiness, delivered in absolutely the gentlest, nicest way.

Beauty, real beauty, creates a sense of awe, a heart-contraction, that may coexist with terror or tragedy. But cuteness is as thoughtlessly safe as it is thoughtlessly lovely: fragile, it vanishes instantly with the merest breath of fear, discomfort or unhappiness.

Here, perhaps, is part of the reason why Hello Kitty is one of the cutest and most appealing characters ever invented. So simple, so pretty! All sorts of theories have been advanced to explain why she is ordinarily depicted as having no mouth, but I think it's mainly a signal to the viewer that Hello Kitty asks nothing of us. She doesn't need to. She merely is.

[Top image by Jim Cooke; photographs by Maria Bustillos]

Human IT Worker Suspended for Refusing to Stop Talking in Robot Voice

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Human IT Worker Suspended for Refusing to Stop Talking in Robot Voice

Think of the coolest, funniest, least socially alienating behavior you could exhibit at work. Something that would really give your colleagues a chuckle. Are you thinking of something? Is it bleep blorp talking in a robot voice?

"Commence Monday morning bagel processing." "This memo left my systems discombobulated." "Danger, Will Robinson, danger—someone left a class-two stinker in the men's room." Get it? If the humor does not compute, your artificial intelligence needs adjusting. (Get it?)

So you can understand why it's so crazy that Ronald Dillon, an IT worker at the New York City Department of Health, was awarded a 20-day suspension for repeatedly showing off this patently hilarious and not at all irritating skill while answering phones. From DNAinfo:

Miller's decision says that during the hearing the Health Department played a recording of Dillon speaking to a customer in a "slow, monotone and over-enunciated manner" and saying, "You have reached the Help Desk. This is Mr. Dillon. How may I help you?"

His droid imitation was apparently good enough to fool callers.

One confused customer who spoke to Dillon later called back and told another Health Department worker that she thought "there was a new automated answering system and had hung up when she heard 'the robot' answer the phone because she needed to speak to a human about her issues," the decision says.

Dillon, a human man from Brooklyn, claims he adopted the monotone because higher-ups didn't like his fast-talking outer-borough accent: "They objected to the tone of my voice so I made it atonal."

According to a written statement about the decision, his superior took issue with Dillon's assertion: "There is a difference between speaking slowly and distinctly and speaking so robotically that callers did not believe that they were speaking to a person."

[Image via Palto/Shutterstock]

Tell Us What You're Wearing for Halloween 

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Tell Us What You're Wearing for Halloween 

Halloween: It's tonight. Glad you're excited—it's gonna be great. Since we're all here and it's Friday, might you stop by Kinja and tell us (or better yet, show us!) what you're wearing for Halloween this year? It'll be fun. http://gawker.com/a-childs-treas...

An alternative: If you're not wearing a costume tonight, tells us what you would have worn OR tell/show us the best/worst costume you've seen today. If one of your colleagues came into work today dressed up in their costume for tonight, shame them! Adults wearing Halloween costumes to work is embarrassing for everyone involved and should be discouraged.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

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Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

We love our children very much, mostly because we can dress them however we like. But sometimes, particularly on Halloween, we cannot or do not wish to give them the full sized candies their hearts desire. Which trick-or-treat-sized candies retain the most charms when shrunk from big to small?

This is a definitive trick-by-treat comparison, conducted with candies representing the four main candy food groups: Chocolates, Peanut Butters, Worse Chocolates, and Fruits. (Or: Mars, Hershey, Nestlé, and Wrigley.)

Variety Pack 1: Chocolates

SNICKERS® MINIATURES vs SNICKERS® 2 TO GO

Not since the violent birth of the universe has there been a volume of matter as densely compressed as that found inside the wrapper of the SNICKERS® MINIATURE. Imagine if we had the option to experience simultaneously, in a single moment, all the anxiety and surprise and terror and wonder and uncertainty about the presence of specific tree nuts that occur over the seven or so decades of a single human life. We could get the mayhem of existence out of the way early and then spend the rest of our lives trodding on familiar soil, amazed by nothing, but also sparing ourselves the ulcers of uncertainty. Give neighborhood children this choice by serving them SNICKERS® MINIATURES. They taste vaguely like chocolate.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

In 2012, Mars announced that it would stop production on chocolate bars exceeding 250 calories, which marked the end of the reign of the mammoth "king size" bars, (including the 280 calorie SNICKERS® bar). Mars' 2 TO GO line is the insane heir to that throne; each SNICKERS® 2 TO GO pack contains two separate, slightly smaller SNICKERS® bars (220 calories each). The numeral in the name is allegedly meant to indicate that one bar can be saved 4 later, though adults are not famous for walking around with half-full plastic SNICKERS® wrappers on their person. For whatever reason, the checkout line at my local drugstore offered SNICKERS® 2 TO GO exclusively, in lieu of the standard SNICKERS®. The ingredients are identical.

The larger bar was significantly softer and much more flavorful. Every layer—the caramel, the nut, the nougat, and, most faintly of all, the chocolate—had a distinct taste and texture that came together harmoniously when I chewed. When ground up with the teeth, the nut and nougat combined to form a sort of warm peanut butter paste, and I could not help but wonder why we even buy peanut butter when we can save money by just making it ourselves in our mouths with SNICKERS® 2 TO GO.

A side by side comparison revealed the source of many of the discrepancies between the two sizes: while both bars had approximately the same amount of chocolate, and nearly the same amount of caramel, the SNICKERS® MINIATURE had only a thin layer of fluffy nougat—about half as much as the larger bar. This blatant disregard for the precise ingredient ratio of the original SNICKERS® could explain not only why the SNICKERS® MINIATURE tasted like a hodgepodge of four tasteless ingredients (the absence of nougat made the chocolate overwhelming, and the peanut pieces were too small to be acknowledged), but also why chewing it was like biting into a piece of stale bubblegum.

SNICKERS® had more varying ingredients from big to small than any other candy sampled. (Most of the other ingredients listed were identical.) According to their official website, bite sized Snickers swap "PALM OIL" for "MILKFAT" and full-sized SNICKERS® contain a slightly higher percentage of lactose. Bite-sized SNICKERS® labels warn that the product "MAY CONTAIN ALMONDS." Full-sized SNICKERS® cautiously open this warning up to entire "TREE NUTS" family. Perhaps a Brazil.

SNICKERS® MINIATURES; 1/10

SNICKERS® 2 TO GO 8/10

MILKY WAY® ORIGINAL MINIS vs MILKY WAY® ORIGINAL SINGLE

My first thought when biting into the MILKY WAY® ORIGINAL MINI was that it tasted like a slightly less good version of a regular MILKY WAY®. Still OK. Still something I would eat by the handful eight days before Halloween, and then have to go out and buy a new bag. The caramel was soft. The chocolate was cheap.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

My first thought when biting into the MILKY WAY® ORIGINAL SINGLE was that it also tasted like a slightly less good version of a regular MILKY WAY®, which made me realize that perhaps I just don't like MILKY WAYS® as much as I thought I did. The MILKY WAY® ORIGINAL SINGLE is definitely superior in taste to the miniature version, due to the presence of more caramel. But the little one isn't bad. No other candy retained taste and texture so consistently from one size to another.

MILKY WAY® ORIGINAL MINIS: 8/10

MILKY WAY® ORIGINAL SINGLE: 8/10

3 MUSKETEERS® MINIS vs 3 MUSKETEERS® BAR

In case you are wondering, the "3" of the name does not refer to the ingredients, of which there are either two musketeers (milk chocolate; nougat) or approximately 15 musketeers (milk chocolate (sugar, chocolate, cocoa butter, skim milk, lactose, milkfat, soy lecithin), sugar, corn syrup, hydrogenated palm kernel oil and/or palm oil, less than 2% - cocoa powder processed with alkali, salt, egg whites, artificial and natural flavors), depending on your interpretation, but rather to the fact that, when the candy first debuted in the 1930s, every package contained three separate chocolate bars: a vanilla, strawberry, and a chocolate. Today, 3 MUSKETEERS® branding is dominated by the dual themes of dieting ("45% less fat" than other chocolate bars") and gun violence, which makes these bars the perfect candy for kids.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

The taste of a 3 MUSKETEERS of any size overwhelms, making it difficult to remember a time when you were not swirling a sickly sweet nougat sludge over your tongue, though surely such a time existed. While the both the tastes and listed ingredients are identical, the regular-sized 3 MUSKETEERS® BAR was much chewier than the 3 MUSKETEERS® MINI. It had the texture of hardened Cool-Whip. It was chewier than any candy bar ever should be. The fluffy nougat interior of both bars was almost tasteless, except that tastelessness would have been an improvement over the bland sweetness that was faintly present.

The 3 MUSKETEERS® MINI is the superior candy only because its tiny size makes it likely you will consume less of it.

3 MUSKETEERS® MINIS: 1.5/10

3 MUSKETEERS® BAR: 1/10

TWIX® Caramel Cookie Bars Minis vs. TWIX® Caramel Cookie Bars Single Pack

The first thing to note about TWIX® Caramel Cookie Bars Minis is that they were by far the most underrepresented candy in my Mars variety pack, presumably due to their larger size. A clever child who recognized TWIX® Caramel Cookie Bars Minis for the lucrative trade opportunity that they are, would take any offered and stockpile them for post-trick-or-treat negotiations with friends. Except that a manipulative child with a natural propensity toward such strategy probably wouldn't have many friends. At least he or she would have many, many TWIX®, which are so good.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

While their interiors were essentially identical to the eye, the TWIX® Caramel Cookie Bars Mini suffered from the same increased density that seems to afflict the smaller varieties of so many candies. It lacked the pleasant softness of the bigger bars found in the TWIX® Caramel Cookie Bars Single Pack, and its caramel did not leak out with the same decadent slowness. The top chocolate coating of the larger bars was more rippled, for whatever reason.

TWIX® Caramel Cookie Bars Minis: 6/10

TWIX® Caramel Cookie Bars Single Pack: 8/10

Variety Bag 2: Peanut Butters

REESE'S Mini Peanut Butter Cups vs REESE'S Peanut Butter Cup

Please do not confuse REESE'S Mini Peanut Butter Cups with REESE'S Peanut Butter Cups Miniatures. Comparing REESE'S Peanut Butter Cups Miniatures to REESE'S Mini Peanut Butter Cups is like comparing the feeling of sunshine on your face while you lie in the grass to the number 16. No two things on Earth have ever been more different. Miniatures are bite-sized version of Reese's wrapped in foil. Minis are unwrapped sort of REESE'S-shaped things, slightly larger than a chocolate chip. This round is about the minis.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

In my REESE's Halloween snack pack, REESE'S Mini Peanut Butter Cups were packaged five per pouch. Inside the pouch, they are unwrapped, which gives the immediate impression of being unhygienic, even though most non-REESE's candies do not contain wrappers within wrappers and the standard REESE'S black paper wrapper doesn't even really do anything except create additional trash. Due to their small size, they melt very quickly. While I loved the ease with which I was able to stack them into a fetching whimsical sculpture, I hated the way they stained all my fingers with sticky chocolate, which, admittedly, may not have happened if I had not taken the time to stack them into a fetching whimsical sculpture. I put them all in my mouth at once, and they mostly just tasted like chocolate.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

The REESE'S Peanut Butter Cups, by contrast, boasted the throat-swelling salty sweetness we have come to expect from REESE'S of all stripes. While the ingredient lists were identical, chopping the candies in half revealed that the ratio of chocolate to peanut butter differed greatly between the two sizes: The Mini had a much thicker chocolate shell, to the detriment of its overall taste. We buy peanut butter cups for the peanut butter, not the cups.

If you choose your Halloween candy based on how easy it would be to perform life-saving surgery on it: the knife slid through the REESE'S Mini Peanut Butter Cups much more easily than it did the standard REESE's.

REESE'S Mini Peanut Butter Cups: 6/10 overall; 10/10 knifeplay

REESE'S Peanut Butter Cup: 8/10

Variety Bag 3: Worse Chocolates

NESTLÉ® BABY RUTH® Fun Size vs. NESTLÉ® BABY RUTH®

BABY RUTHS® are the only traditional Halloween candy allegedly named for a dead child: President Grover Cleveland's daughter, Ruth (who died of diphtheria at age 12, several years before the candy bar was invented). More probably, the candy was named after baseball player Babe Ruth, and the President Cleveland story concocted retroactively to avoid paying him royalties. This intersection of intellectual property law and childhood mortality is not the only thing kids have to dislike about NESTLÉ® BABY RUTH® candies. There's also: peanuts.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

BABY RUTHS® are basically more grown-up SNICKERS®, with which they shares their core properties: peanuts, nougat, caramel, and a chocolate shell. The NESTLÉ® BABY RUTH® Fun Size tasted like a much peanuttier version of the regular SNICKERS® bar: sweet and chewy and peanutty. It felt substatial, like a meal.

The standard-sized NESTLÉ® BABY RUTH® was crunchier, and boasted more and larger pieces of peanuts, but the taste of the bar was metallic, almost as if the nuts had been burnt slightly. I couldn't believe that the little one tasted better, so I unwrapped another, and then another to be sure. Three NESTLÉ® BABY RUTH® Fun Sizes and one case of adult-onset diabetes in, the difference in quality was undeniable: the Fun Sized bars are better.

NESTLÉ® BABY RUTH® Fun Size: 9/10

NESTLÉ® BABY RUTH®: 7/10

NESTLÉ® BUTTERFINGER® Fun Size vs NESTLÉ® BUTTERFINGER®

One thing I absolutely do not ever recommend trying to cut in half is a NESTLÉ® BUTTERFINGER®. If you choose to do so—to prove you are a man, or because you have only one NESTLÉ® BUTTERFINGER® and all these knives—prepare for the challenge of your life. Whereas equally crunchy Twix® bars cleave apart with a sudden, brutal crack, the interior of a NESTLÉ® BUTTERFINGER® will simply splinter into a trillion golden slivers, ranging in texture from "jagged piece of glass bottle" to "flaky dust," and exploding all over your computer keyboard.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

The main difference between the two NESTLÉ® BUTTERFINGER® varieties is apparent as soon as you open the packages: The Fun Size bars do not travel well. Every one I opened was coated with a fine layer of orange detritus. The standard size bars, by contrast, emerged from their wrapping pristine.

And yet, the Wretched Miracle of NESTLÉ® was manifested again in the BUTTERFINGERS®: the Fun Size variety had more and better flavor than the regular bar. The tastes of both were similar: a flash of quickly-melting chocolate giving way to a flavor that was more like a plain sugar wafer than the advertised peanut butter. Both clung to the teeth with a fervor that makes you remember to book a dentist appointment. The NESTLÉ® BUTTERFINGER® Fun Size simply had a stronger presence.

It also smelled a little like papery fish food flakes.

NESTLÉ® BUTTERFINGER® Fun Size; 7/10

NESTLÉ® BUTTERFINGER®: 6/10

NESTLÉ® CRUNCH® Fun Size vs. NESTLÉ® CRUNCH®

NESTLÉ® markets the smaller version of a regular CRUNCH® bar using the industry standard term "fun size," boldly suggesting that anything about a NESTLÉ® CRUNCH® bar might ever be associated with joy or a good time, despite the fact that NESTLÉ® CRUNCH® bars are made of rice.

If you're going to give someone a rice-based treat, make it a Rice Krispie or top it off with a heaping helping of chili con carne. NESTLÉ® CRUNCH® bars are boring regardless of dimensions.

The crisped rice submerged in chocolate on the bottom of the bar forms an unappealing pattern reminiscent of cysts under the skin.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

The NESTLÉ® CRUNCH® Fun Size bar tastes like cheap chocolate made of bumps. Cutting one in half reveals that it is of an approximately equal thickness all the way around. The texture of the larger bar is somewhat improved, because it is bordered by two high chocolate ridges and thins out for a great expanse in the middle. The crispiness feels intentional in the NESTLÉ® CRUNCH® and like a horrible accident in the NESTLÉ® CRUNCH® Fun Size.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

NESTLÉ® CRUNCH® Fun Size: 1/10

NESTLÉ® CRUNCH®: 4/10

Bag 4: Fruits

Original Skittles® Unit Not Labeled For Individual Sale vs. SKITTLES® Original Fruit Bite Size Candies Tear 'N Share Size

The first mini bag of Original Skittles® Not Labeled For Individual Sale I opened looked like a bomb had gone of in it. There were chipped Skittles® and broken Skittles® and Skittles® that, if they had been humans, would have had to learn to walk and talk all over again even thoguh they were adults. There was even a Skittles® horror the likes of which I had never seen in all my years of taking them as vitamins: a mushed brownish-purple Skittle® had leaked and fused to two red (BEST) Skittles®, binding itself not only to them, but to the plastic paper of the wrapper, rendering the trifecta inedible.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

As with the SNICKERS® 2 TO GO, my drugstore offered no standard-sized incarnation of Skittles®, but rather seemed to stock exclusively SKITTLES® Original Fruit Bite Size Candies Tear 'N Share Size. I opened the Tear 'N Share bag at home, and out spilled an embarrassment of SKITTLES®, each one a bright perfect jewel. The problem was, they kept on spilling. My joy quickly turned to horror as they continued to pour out of the bag like maggots. There were at least 20,000 Skittles® (24 Skittles®) in the Tear 'N Share bag. I was drowning.

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

Mangled candies aside, victory here goes to the Original Skittles® Unit Not Labeled For Individual Sale, owing to the fact that it supplies the perfect amount of skittles. It's a shame it's not labeled for individual sale.

Original Skittles® Unit Not Labeled For Individual Sale: 9/10

SKITTLES® Original Fruit Bite Size Candies Tear 'N Share Size: 20,000/10

Starburst® Fun Size® Fruit Chews vs. Starburst® Original Fruit Chews

Is Fun-Sized Candy Really More Fun? A Comprehensive Investigation

Fun Size® Starburst®, which come two to a pack, are the candy equivalent of penny slots. You might win big with a red and a pink. You might get two yellow, and then open another pack and get two more yellow, and then—third time's the charm—open another packet and get two yellow again. The bigger pack represents responsible investment; the diversification of risk.

Also, Starburst, like potato chips, are not meant to be eaten in quantities of two. Fun Sized® Starburst are only appropriate to hand out if you give every child an entire back, which would quickly grow expensive.

Starburst® Fun Size® Fruit Chews: 5/10

Starburst® Original Fruit Chews: 10/10

[Photos by Max Read / Art by Jim Cooke]

Here Is a Tweet That Contains an Apology

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Here Is a Tweet That Contains an Apology

Runner's World Editor-in-Chief David Willey tweeted the above apology today, October 31, 2014 at 3:09 p.m. and deleted it 26 minutes later. Sometimes the spookiest parts of Halloween are the things we do while dressed as ourselves.

UPDATE: Sure.

Facebook Is Turning Users Into Voter Data Experiments

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Facebook Is Turning Users Into Voter Data Experiments

Facebook's team of mad data scientists caught flak this summer for experimenting on their users' emotions. But the company has a proud history of turning people into unwitting research subjects. For at least six years, the social network has been mining the political preferences of its users without their consent. The company will pull personal political data for the 2016 election as well, but this time Facebook will share its findings.

According to Mother Jones, Facebook began secretly subjecting their users to various political experiments before the 2008 election. The primary tests seems benevolent enough: a prominent "I Voted" button to encourage people's friends to vote in elections. But the project, known as "voter megaphone," is drawing concern that 1.3 billion member network could influence elections.

Specifically, Facebook has shown that it is willing to manipulate what users see in their Newsfeed before the elections:

In particular, Facebook has studied how changes in the news feed seen by its users—the constant drip-drip-drip of information shared by friends that is heart of their Facebook experience—can affect their level of interest in politics and their likelihood of voting. For one such experiment, conducted in the three months prior to Election Day in 2012, Facebook increased the amount of hard news stories at the top of the feeds of 1.9 million users. According to one Facebook data scientist, that change—which users were not alerted to—measurably increased civic engagement and voter turnout.

Facebook officials insist there's nothing untoward going on. But for several years, the company has been reluctant to answer questions about its voter promotion efforts and these research experiments.

Emphasis added. Facebook's research into voter turnout mechanisms has led the company to conclude that they can get more people to the polls. One Facebook-conducted study suggested that the voter megaphone project increased turnout by 340,000 voters between 2006 and 2010.

Higher turnout pushed by Facebook is bad news for the Republican party:

There may be another reason for Facebook's lack of transparency regarding its voting promotion experiments: politics. Facebook officials likely do not want Republicans on Capitol Hill to realize that their voter megaphone isn't a neutral get-out-the-vote mechanism. It's not that Facebook uses this tool to remind only users who identify themselves as Democrats to vote—though the company certainly has the technical means to do so. But the Facebook user base tilts Democratic. According to the Pew Internet & American Life Project, women are 10 points more likely to use this social network than men; young people are almost twice as likely to be on Facebook than those older than 65; and urbanites are slightly more likely to turn to Facebook than folks in rural areas. If the voter megaphone was applied even-handedly across Facebook's adult American user population in 2012, it probably pushed more Obama supporters than Romney backers toward the voting booth.

What could concern politicians even more? Facebook told Politico it can now determine a person's "sentiments" regarding politicians and issues—raising the possibility that the company could run issue-based experiments. And Politico reports that ABC News and BuzzFeed will begin receiving this detailed user data to enhance their election coverage.

The data will be gathered from the posts of Facebook users in the United States 18 and older, classifying sentiments about a politician or issue as positive, negative or neutral. The data can also be broken down into sentiments by gender and location, making it possible to see how Facebook users in the key primary states of Iowa or New Hampshire feel about certain presidential candidates, or how women in Florida feel about same-sex marriage.

When pressed for a statement, a Facebook spokesperson assured Mother Jones that they would not be running turnout trials with voter megaphone in 2014. He also stated that past experiments were distributed in a way that was "entirely random" so no one party or candidate benefited unfairly.

But MoJo is suspicious of Facebook's intentions given its lack of transparency: "Facebook wants its users to vote, and the social-networking firm will not be manipulating its voter promotion effort for research purposes. How do we know this? Only because Facebook says so."

To contact the author of this post, please email kevin@valleywag.com.

Photo: Getty


How to Dress Your Baby for Halloween

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How to Dress Your Baby for Halloween

It's Halloween and you're a proud new parent. Though you're excited to dress up your new little friend, you might have a few questions concerning costume choice. What is appropriate? Can I dress my baby like a murderer? What if it's a murderer from television or a movie, can I dress my baby like a murderer then?

Hush, don't worry about it! We've put together a helpful guide to help you steer clear of bad costume choices and get your baby cute and ready for showing off this Halloween.

Bad Baby Costume: Rand Paul

Good Baby Costume: A Pumpkin

How to Dress Your Baby for Halloween

Why would you dress your baby as a polarizing figure like Rand Paul? "Because his hair is messy and looks like it might fall out" is not a good enough excuse. Babies are not antagonizing. You know what else is not antagonizing? A jolly little jack o'lantern.

Bad Baby Costume: Pot Leaf

How to Dress Your Baby for Halloween

Good Baby Costume: A Pumpkin

"Who's that cute baby in the pumpkin costume?" a friendly stranger might ask. Oh, that's my baby. "Well, you dressed either him or her perfectly. I'm so happy you didn't dress him or her like a pot leaf, that would have been selfish, ridiculous, and clearly representative of how ill-prepared you are for this job. I love the pumpkin. "

Bad Baby Costume: Walter White

Good Baby Costume: A Pumpkin

How to Dress Your Baby for Halloween

A nice way to keep from dressing your baby like a drug-dealing murderer your baby has never even heard of is to dress her like a sweet, little pumpkin.

Bad Baby Costume: Ruth Baby Ginsberg

Good Baby Costume: A Pumpkin

How to Dress Your Baby for Halloween

[image via Shutterstock]

Yes, your wrinkly, little baby has a number of things in common with an old person. You know what else your round, sweet baby has a number of things in common with? A pumpkin.

Bad Baby Costume: A Cigarette

How to Dress Your Baby for Halloween

Good Baby Costume: A Pumpkin

How to Dress Your Baby for Halloween


The reason we all have baby pictures of ourselves dressed as pumpkins is because it is the correct outfit to put on a baby for Halloween. The reason you don't see a lot of babies dressed as cigarettes is because that is the wrong outfit to put on a baby for Halloween.

Bad Baby Costume: A Pimp

How to Dress Your Baby for Halloween

Good Baby Costume: A Pumpkin

How to Dress Your Baby for Halloween

[image via Instagram]

Your baby is not in the business of being a predatory middleman in the sex trade. Your baby is in the business of being a baby. Or, today, being a pumpkin.

Bad Baby Costume: Bane

Good Baby Costume: A Pumpkin

How to Dress Your Baby for Halloween

[image via Shutterstock]

Don't dress your baby like fucking Bane, you lunatic. Dress your baby like a pumpkin.

Forward or Delete: This Week's Fake Viral Photos

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Forward or Delete: This Week's Fake Viral Photos

Occasionally, against all odds, you'll see an interesting or even enjoyable picture on the Internet. But is it worth sharing, or just another Photoshop job that belongs in the digital trash heap? Check in here and find out if that viral photo deserves an enthusiastic "forward" or a pitiless "delete."

Image via Imgur


DELETE

This week, much of the British press went roight bloody mental over a series of photos taken by an airline passenger who, in the words of The Mirror, "flew directly over a RAINBOW."

"At first I thought it was caused by the polarised plane window or jet fuel vapour," said 51-year-old Melissa Rensen. "I'd never experienced anything like it and I doubt I ever will again."

Of course, contrary to corpuscularist propaganda like The Care Bears, rainbows aren't physical objects, making it somewhat difficult to fly "over" one. In reality, the picture is the result of polarized light meeting a plastic window and a polarized camera filter, as The Guardian explains at length.

The rainbow effects actually visible to the naked eye from planes are still pretty spectacular, and better yet you don't need a camera or a confused science journalist to see them.


DELETE

Forward or Delete: This Week's Fake Viral Photos

This week's second questionably colorful photo comes from Reddit, where an encouraging number of users called bullshit on this picture of China's Zhangye Danxia Landform Geological Park.

As you can see below, the very real rock formations are stunning even without six generations of Instagram-filtering, but not quite the geologic rave pictured above.

Forward or Delete: This Week's Fake Viral Photos

Images via Imgur/Shutterstock


DELETE

Forward or Delete: This Week's Fake Viral Photos

If the overly-tidy internal organs, station logo and weird background didn't clue you in, you might have noticed that this "X-ray of a 900 lb. man" currently circulating online looks like fat Tron.

That's because it's from a computer-generated mock-up video commissioned by the UK's Channel 5 for their documentary Saving Britain's 70-Stone Man.

The program follows London resident Keith Martin who, despite what this picture might have you believe, isn't actually a 3D wire-frame model.

Image via Twitter


FORWARD

Entering the viral Internet's bloodstream via Reddit late last week, this picture of Oregon's Mt. Hood is the real thing.

Taken by photographer J Shimya last September, the incredible photo took an equally incredible amount of preparation. Explains Shimya:

I prepared for days to find the correct location to capture this image. I found a church parking lot with a view of Mt. Hood 63 miles to the East. As the sun went down the Moon came up on the North side of the Mountain but as it rose its' curved path placed it right over the top


DELETE

On Wednesday, serial misattributer @ThatsEarth posted the above photo, purportedly of "Europe by night." As both Gizmodo's Matt Novak and Twitter's @PicPedant have noted, however, the picture actually comes from a series of social media visualizations by mapmaker Eric Fischer.

"Red dots are locations of Flickr pictures," reads Fischer's original caption. "Blue dots are locations of Twitter tweets. White dots are locations that have been posted to both."

Unfortunately, Fischer has yet to map viral photos with misleading captions, but if he ever does we're pretty sure we know what it will look like:

Forward or Delete: This Week's Fake Viral Photos

Image via Shutterstock

Amazing, Exclusive Pop Culture Halloween Pumpkins

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Amazing, Exclusive Pop Culture Halloween Pumpkins

Pumpkin carving is a somewhat enjoyable Halloween tradition that follows you from the inescapable family gatherings of youth to to the unbearable pumpkin carving parties of adulthood. Though most of us partake in the yearly activity, some of us go above and beyond. Like whoever did that Beyoncé pumpkin.

You may have already seen a number of similarly impressive pop culture pumpkins around the 'net, like these, or these, or these, or these, or these, and maybe you thought, "are these impressive, or are they just stencils? I mean. Or should I be impressed by stencils? I guess someone has to make the stencil and then cut carefully arou—," etc. But, believe me, you haven't seen them all!

Check out some of these amazing pop culture Halloween pumpkins licensed exclusively to Gawker.com, from around the world (and maybe your neighborhood, too!):

Ariana Grande:

Amazing, Exclusive Pop Culture Halloween Pumpkins

Pictures of Renée Zellweger:

Amazing, Exclusive Pop Culture Halloween Pumpkins

Favorite Football Team:

Amazing, Exclusive Pop Culture Halloween Pumpkins

Taylor Swift:

Amazing, Exclusive Pop Culture Halloween Pumpkins

Cast of Friends:

Amazing, Exclusive Pop Culture Halloween Pumpkins

Grumpy Cat:

Amazing, Exclusive Pop Culture Halloween Pumpkins

Chris Martin:

Amazing, Exclusive Pop Culture Halloween Pumpkins

Beyoncé:

Amazing, Exclusive Pop Culture Halloween Pumpkins

iPhone 6:

Amazing, Exclusive Pop Culture Halloween Pumpkins

Of course, the Gawker "G":

Amazing, Exclusive Pop Culture Halloween Pumpkins

[image via Getty]

My Evil Grandmother Turned Me Into a Ghost

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My Evil Grandmother Turned Me Into a Ghost

Once, when I was in fourth grade, my grandma called me over to tell me that according to her Four Pillars of Destiny astrological calculations my ba zi chart made me susceptible to seeing ghosts. She said this like I had caught a disease and I should live my life accordingly from that point forward. After she announced this news she went back to watching her Taoist soap opera.

Obviously I had questions. Susceptible? Ghosts? We didn't exactly have a conversational relationship. We spoke maybe five phrases to each other in Taiwanese, consisting of have you eaten, what are you doing here, come here do something for me, go away, and ni zo moh yong—you are useless. A drawn-out ghost conversation was clearly beyond anything we could handle vocabularily.

Plus I was afraid to linger too long next to her because she was a master of exploitation and tended to see people as coal mines or virgin forest or, to give you the simile my aunts preferred, as coins of money. She pounced on perceived idleness like some corporate auditor. She would not let nimble little hands go to waste; no, she'd park my sister and me on tiny stools for the loathsome task of hammering open raw ginkgo nuts because it saved her a few bucks to get the unshelled kind. Raw gingko, in case you didn't know, smells like a festering, oozing thing. I ran out of the living room, shouting something about homework.

My first worry was that if this ghost-seeing trait was in my ba zi, had I been seeing ghosts all along? How could I know? I summoned every piece of knowledge I had about ghosts—

  • It is a person, but see-through
  • It has a scary face
  • It is an orb of light that wears a white sheet with eye holes cut out of it
  • It goes "ooooohhh…ooooohhhh" in the wind

I flipped through my image repertoire and decided that no, I had never seen anything like a ghost. Unless, however, the ghost appeared to me on Halloween, which would be a smart tactic for an undercover ghost, like Quasimodo escaping from his tower on that opportune day when everyone gets to dress up like an ogre. But I had not seen anyone with a plausible ghost costume. My powers must not have kicked in yet. Maybe when I got my period. That was my default answer back then.

My period came two years later. Still no ghosts. It's true, I wasn't looking very hard. In fact, I really didn't want to see a ghost. But now that I was twelve the idea of "having a destiny" was newly appealing. Perhaps my destiny was to be a ghost whisperer. I tried to weave this into some kind of romantic fantasy. Christina Ricci kissing Casper the friendly ghost, who turns into a boy.

At first it was small things that I attributed to grandma's bad mood. Lately it had become a survival tactic to ignore grandma. Because if my sister and I absorbed everything she said we would have jumped into the pool with weights attached to our feet. It had something to do with us being girls. Something about being inherently useless, moh yong. Dirty dishwater thrown out of the door. Raising a pig for someone else to slaughter. Depreciation in rapid jumps, a stock ticker sinking fast, an instinctive desire to rid oneself of worthless goods.

No matter what we did, we were always doing something wrong. She was like a roving camera recording every transgression, every kibble of cereal consumed, every item of clothing that looked a little bit nice, as though to provide enough evidence for the grand jury. If we ate we were pigs; if we didn't eat her leftovers we were ungrateful food wasters. If we slept we were slothful; if we stayed awake we were sexually overcharged, itchy between the legs.

Simply existing in her line of sight was enough of a transgression. So we learned to disappear, learned to play piano in pianissimo, kicking that pedal down to mute. We learned to teleport ourselves from room to room. If she caught us we paid the consequences. Reading a book: "Your eyes are going to fall out." Eating breakfast: "You're fat." Quietly doing homework: "You sure wasted a lot of time on that." Taking dad to the airport: "Are you leaving because you can't stand your wife and daughters?" Her words burned holes into us.

A feeling of uneasiness began to follow me around, hovering just over my shoulder. I stopped looking into mirrors, washed my face with my eyes shut tight.

My sister and I had certain defensive strategies. Whenever we heard her go on about our bad behavior to aunts, uncles, those strangers from the cultish Taoist temple she belonged to, her caretaker, our own parents, we would mumble to each other in English, like a spell: "Grandma's so stupid. I hate grandma. I wish she were dead." She didn't know English so we could say whatever we wanted: we said the words "grandma" and "dead" or "die" so frequently in her presence she must have thought it was grammatical scaffolding, a sound unit like "and then" or "I am." I wonder if she ever figured it out. "Why doesn't grandma just die."

Grandma stopped going outside and retreated deeper into the house. She began waging a compulsive campaign of lock checks. If I walked down the driveway to pick up mail the door would be bolted shut when I came back. She drew the curtains. The house grew dark and stuffy. She looked like one of those fish with no eyes that live near undersea volcano vents, shunned from the light.

I was in high school when the objects finally began moving around in my room. By then I had been waiting for these hauntings for so long it was no big thing. I was a full-blown teenager now, cynical, angry, exploding with acne. I laughed in my ghost's face! You can't scare me! My ghost was a stupid prissy female too, I could tell. Little things, like flower scrunchies, small bottles of cheap perfume, silk scarves, went missing and then reappeared in a different place, looking rumpled and used.

I picked up my perfume and stared at it. Where had you gone? Tell me what you saw! Chocolates disappeared. Which, now that I thought of it, this particular choco-ghost had haunted me for years. All those missing fundraiser M&Ms, the dwindling bars of Ferrero Rocher toffees, my school-made Easter egg nests suddenly bereft of their Cadbury eggs. The fox would come in the night.

Door knob turning in the dark. Squeak squeak squeak. A light switching on and off.

More unexplainable activity. Pulling into the driveway, a flash of a curtain opening, closing. My house key would be rendered unresponsive. Ringing the bell was futile. "I need my swim bag," I'd shout at the orange walls. "Please let me in." I'd return later with my parents, and the door would be unbolted, and miraculously grandma would be home, microwaving a dinner for herself. No, she had not heard me ringing and ringing, she must have been asleep all afternoon. Go to my room: three chocolate casualties.

In the smoky temple, when she was still strong enough to oversee the prayer ceremonies on important holidays, I would sometimes see forms, curling and curling in patterns. It had a pattern like breathing. I saw it and breathed it in and traced it as it came back out, because there was time, because we women always had to do the devotions after the men. Double the lung cancer, double the hallucinations. Lucky women of the sloppy prayer seconds. As we knelt there inhaling this curling, carcinogenic breath, I wondered why she hated us so much. What happened to her? Couldn't she see that she was one of us?

I won't go into all the hauntings I've experienced since then, because after I went to college, the incidents only increased. Except it was strange how I was not only seeing ghosts but becoming one myself. I recognized other ghosts because I had learned to adopt their ways. Ghosts mumbled in an uncertain, wavering voice, mildly irritating but harmless. Shutting tight your eyes actually does make you temporarily invisible and insensate, at least until he comes.

On film, a ghost registers as a fuzzy blur: they wince, blink, or jerk involuntarily, impossible to capture. A ghost may also be so plain that she fails to stand in relief to anything behind her so it becomes possible to see right past her, as though her opacity were diminished. However, ghosts can evade criminals more easily than the buxom and rosy-cheeked. They avoid eye contact and dress as dowdily as possible. Loose clothing and sneakers will usually do it, or an ugly hat that covers your whole face. The preferred movement for walking down dark streets alone at night is the silent scuttle. If you're not that good at being invisible yet you should try carrying pepper spray.

Every year my powers kept getting stronger. Now the ghost followed me outside, into the street, walked with me to class. It kept my head bowed down, pinned my arms to my sides, pinched my mouth shut. If ever I felt an urge to speak it would double up its efforts, and I would leave class sweating through my clothes. The effort it took to fight the ghost. From there it followed me to parties, clouding over like atomic fallout. I steered toward dark empty places, often found myself alone in the bedroom with all the coats. Loss of identity, I imagined a therapist writing in her files. Plummeting mercury, stiff to the touch, blood pressure zero over zero.

How to know if your house is haunted: If you can't find things because they are always getting misplaced, such as your wallet, keys, contact lens case. When you hear laughter and it startles you because it doesn't really sound like your own. If you come home to find your apartment messier than you remember, as though someone had spent hours playing hide and seek. If you are spooked by the curtains fluttering at the open window.

One day I called my dad and talked to him for three hours because I wasn't sure I existed. When did I become a ghost? Didn't I used to be so strong; wasn't I judge of the underworld? How did I become this flimsy, invisible thing?

This is how hauntings happen, he said. History is a sheet that smothers one's present moment. Haunted people feel suffocated by this sheet, and even though their families love their daughters very much and don't believe they should be silent or invisible, she can't throw off the sheet, which looks like a cheap Halloween costume anyway. Right? Ha ha. (Someone with a ghost of a smile is smiling but the smile is imperceptible; actually it is just the wish for a smile.)

I thought of the person who had thrown this sheet over my head. Why did she do it? Why did she see my sister and me, these solid, unbreakable girls, and want to cover us up in a white sheet? Perhaps when she was young someone had told her that she was dirty water thrown out of the door and a drop got in her ear and infected her brain. She couldn't help it.

When grandma passed away, my mom drew open all the curtains for the first time in twenty years. I went home to help her sort through grandma's things. They had already moved out her furniture from the room and staged new furniture: this would be the guest room—my room when I came to visit. I hadn't stepped inside her adjoined bathroom for years. I took a deep breath and thought: now it's all over. But when I turned on the tap, the water that gushed out was bright red. I jumped and called for my mom. "Oh, it's just rust," she laughed. Together we watched the water run and run until it ran clear.

Anelise Chen is a writer and teacher. She lives in Chinatown. This piece was written as part of a collaborative gallery show, The Dreams That I Gave Her. The opening will be held on Saturday, Jan 24, 2015 at 7 p.m. at the NARS Foundation Gallery in Brooklyn.

[Image by Jim Cooke]

Goosebumps, Buffy, and Punky Brewster: 7 Must-Watch Halloween Specials

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Goosebumps, Buffy, and Punky Brewster: 7 Must-Watch Halloween Specials

Halloween-themed TV episodes, like Halloween, can be sexy, silly, or scary, all three, or more, which is sometimes what happens when you realize that a lot of the actors on The Twilight Zone were very attractive. The tradition of such specials is long, broad, and deep, going back as far as the history of television itself. Long-running series (ER, The Suite Life of Zack & Cody) often produced them annually—and, in that glut, various episodes can be forgotten. Here are seven that you should remember, for seven different reasons.

Goosebumps, Buffy, and Punky Brewster: 7 Must-Watch Halloween Specials

WTF: Punky Brewster, "The Perils of Punky"
Not at all as funny as you would think it would be if you have no idea what is coming, Punky Brewster being a show about a spunky foster girl of the same name. Not so: This two-part special nominally involves the revelation that Punky is actually a proxy for Princess Moon, who is fated to vanquish the evil Owa Tagoo Siam—but what actually happens is that Punky and her friends are put through an acid trip blender and one of them has his face attached to a large rock. (Skip to 4:12 in this clip.) The effects are so bad they become uncanny.

Goosebumps, Buffy, and Punky Brewster: 7 Must-Watch Halloween Specials

Homage: American Horror Story, various
The annual-est of traditions: The Ryan Murphy/Brad Falchuk anthology airs each fall; and each fall, it airs a two-part Halloween episode corresponding to the style of its season. Taken together, they're a potpourri of how what scares who: The first is a ghost story; the second, a devil story; the third, a zombie story; and the fourth is basically about Quirinus Quirrell.

Goosebumps, Buffy, and Punky Brewster: 7 Must-Watch Halloween Specials

Sitcom: Friends, "The One with the Halloween Party"
Or, The One with All of the Costumes, in which each member of the gang ends up in a costume that best represents his/her personality and that exacerbates the group conflicts therein. At least, that's how I've always thought of it. Really, Chandler just has to win an arm-wrestling match against Ross, and one is dressed like a pink bunny and the other is like "Spud-nik."

Goosebumps, Buffy, and Punky Brewster: 7 Must-Watch Halloween Specials

Religious: 7th Heaven, "Halloween"
God is good and mutants aren't real—just two lessons we learn during 7th Heaven's 1996 Halloween special, in which: Lucy suspects that a local recluse named Mike ("The Mutant") is not in fact a murderer; Eric's childhood comes back to haunt him in his personal quest to discover why he hates the holiday; Simon thinks too much of himself in the run-up to a pumpkin carving contest, as per usual; and Mary just wants to be left alone.

Goosebumps, Buffy, and Punky Brewster: 7 Must-Watch Halloween Specials

Supernatural: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Fear, Itself"
A post-camp Halloween special dealing with proto-camp subject matter—at a frat party! While trying to just blow off a little collegiate angst, Buffy & Co. end up the victims of a fear demon, who forces our heroes to confront the darkest corners of themselves. And then Giles chainsaws his way in to help save them, but—oh ho—it turns out the the demon in question is just some dude with inadequacy issues.

Goosebumps, Buffy, and Punky Brewster: 7 Must-Watch Halloween Specials

Teens: Dawson's Creek, "Four Scary Stories"
Yeah, Dawson isn't actually in this episode and it is, by consensus, pretty terrible. But do you know what it is also: All about teens, their fears, and storytelling. For example, female students should never be alone in the library at night. And mannequins are especially scary when they are not mannequins.

Goosebumps, Buffy, and Punky Brewster: 7 Must-Watch Halloween Specials

Teenz: Goosebumps, "The Haunted Mask"
A girl buys a creepy mask for Halloween that decides to permanently attach itself to her face, warping her personality in the process, leading to all kinds of violent outbursts and the discovery that, in fact, a lot of terrifying Halloween masks are anthropomorphic. And they'll give chase. This being the universe of R. L. Stine, the solution is that she realize she is loved. This also being the universe of R. L. Stine, the poor girl's mask soon hops onto another unwitting victim—her brother. One of the series' classics, the clown car version of a scary story: It only looks silly until you are crammed inside.

[Images via The WB, Fox, FX, and NBC]

Morning Afte is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Follow @GawkerMA and read more about it here.

Worst Ex-Boyfriend Ever Allegedly Emailed Teacher's Nudes to Students

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Worst Ex-Boyfriend Ever Allegedly Emailed Teacher's Nudes to Students

Well here's a nightmare: an "angry" ex-boyfriend of a Los Angeles high school teacher emailed nude photos of the teacher to over 250 students and staff, according to cops. Pasadena police say the ex-bf, 38-year-old David Galvan, sent the photos when science teacher Richard Rosa was out of the country.

Galvan was charged on July 28 with identity theft, sending obscene matter, and impersonating Rosa. Galvan allegedly fled the state, however, and U.S. Marshals only tracked him down last week. He was arrested on October 21 "on suspicion of unlawfully accessing ... Rosa's school district email account and sending the photographs on July 10." The email contained four photos of a nude Rosa and the subject line "Enjoy."

Rosa's students at John Muir High School stuck by him during the incident—one started an online petition so that Rosa stay employed:

Mr. Rosa is one of the most professional teachers I know and I would hate for a great teacher to lose a job based on a mistake that may have been an accident. He's taught me so much and I don't want a teacher who has impacted lives to be turned down because of a mistake. Considering John Muir High School has a bad reputation, he's one of the best teachers who cares about the students and actually shows that he wants to be there.

He remains a teacher at the school.

[Photo via KTLA]

This Baby Was Bred to Pilot a MechWarrior Robot Halloween Costume

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It was this 6-month-old baby's dream to pilot a robot from the '90s video game franchise MechWarrior for his first Halloween—just kidding. Baby don't care. He's just enjoying the view while he fulfills the destiny his father set out for him before his birth.

"My husband had this costume planned for several years, long before we had a child. The inspiration was a computer game he played in high school. When we found out we were having a baby, he got to work. Ryan sketched out the rough designs probably two months before Geraint was born," said Cassandra, the wife of the robot-building dad and mother of the robot-piloting baby.

Congrats, Geraint. You've "won Halloween" on several different websites and truly achieved your life's purpose. It's all downhill from here.

(Confidential to all parents: One really good baby costume you can make is: A pumpkin.)

[h/t Gossip Cop]


Cash-Filled Armored Car Opens on Highway, Makes it Rain on Lucky Drivers

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Cash-Filled Armored Car Opens on Highway, Makes it Rain on Lucky Drivers

Drivers on Interstate 270 in Frederick, Md. were treated to a free-for-all cash-grab this morning after an armored car came open while driving, spilling a pile of cash onto the pavement.

According to local news outlet WBAL, the truck's door swung open at around 8 a.m. after a lock malfunctioned, sending a bag of money sliding out. Naturally, drivers began pulling over and scooping up bills.

The armored car's driver told police he pulled over as quickly as he could, but by the time he was stopped, he said he saw several vehicles that were stopped on the highway, and people were picking up the cash.

Eventually a fire department vehicle arrived and turned on its emergency lights, and those who were picking up the cash got back in their cars and left.

It's unclear how much cash was inside to begin with, but by the time order was restored, just $200 remained. Maryland State Police, bless them, are reportedly urging drivers to return whatever cash they found. Good luck with that.

[Image via Ismagilov/Shutterstock]

Austin Police Confirm These Are Cops Making Rape Jokes on Video

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The Austin, Tex. Police Department is investigating two officers for joking about rape in a dashcam video posted to YouTube earlier this week. After the video made the local news, APD confirmed the recording is authentic and that the men you hear in it are actually cops.

The relevant section opens with the two officers joking that if they were allowed to "ride out" for a week, "shit would get real for the bad guys" and world peace would be established. Or it would just seem that way, because they'd ignore every crime report:

Officer 1: Either that, or, you'd think that because we'd turn a blind eye towards everything.

Officer 2: Or that.

Officer 1: Fuck it, who cares.

Officer 2: Or that. It could be that.

Officer 1: I want to report a robbery! You probably deserved it.

Nice guys. At this point, according to the YouTube uploader, "an attractive female" passes by their car. You can hear one of the cops say something about a rape whistle. Then this:

Officer 1: Look at that girl over there.

Officer 2: (blows whistle) Go ahead and call the cops. They can't unrape you. (laughter)

Officer 1: You didn't turn your camera off, did you?

Officer 2: They can't unrape you.

No, he did not turn off the camera, which meant that footage of the rape joke was available through an open records request and quickly made its way on Austin NBC station KXAN.

The department, which hasn't named the two officers, responded with the following statement:

Upon learning of the video's contents, the Department immediately launched an internal investigation. The investigation will include a comprehensive audit of the involved officers' contacts with victims of sexual assault to ensure the actions taken during the contacts meet the expectations of the Department, the public and most importantly, the victims. Upon conclusion of the investigation, the Department will take appropriate corrective action.

APD extends a heartfelt apology to all victims of sexual assault. The comments made by the officers are contrary to the long-standing commitment of the Department to bring compassionate justice to sexual assault victims.

As Culturemap Austin notes, this is just the latest in a series of issues for the Austin PD. The city called for a Department of Justice investigation into police practices after an officer-involved shooting last July.

[h/t Culturemap Austin]

Deadspin Taylor Swift's 1989 Proves That "Pop" Doesn't Mean Anything Anymore | Gizmodo Virgin Galact

​Weekend TV Is Something of a Graveyard Smash

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It's finally here! Halloween weekend, Sabbat Samhain, All Hallow's Eve. What are your plans? I have none. I mean, my plan is to get real spooky, but that's always the plan. Ditto my costume, which is technically "Guilty Remnant" but only requires adding a whiteboard and white hi-tops to my usual "look." Maybe try and come off a little less sullen and intense than usual. Haha Resting Remnant Face.

Anyway, while I'm doing that let's watch some TV, and that way tomorrow and Sunday we'll be all rested up to watch TV. You've got Masters of Horror, and all the new stuff on Netflix, but there's plenty in the future too.

FRIDAY

AT 8/7c.

  • The Amazing Race goes to Marrakech, where it will be bathed in a sensual mixture of yogurt, honey and fine-grade hashish
  • On ABC, Last Man Standing and Cristela celebrate Halloween in an American, easily digestible fashion
  • Somebody tries to get On the Menu at Emeril's by appearing on TNT, and
  • Social entropy demonstration Utopia spins still into its particularly unmoored and unmonitored chaos over on Fox

AT 9/8c.

  • America's Next Top Model says that "What Happens on ANTM Stays on ANTM," but clearly it is lying unless this is just an hour of black screen punctuated by advertisements
  • H2 premieres its seventh season of Ancient Aliens, appealing to the demographic that both believes in alien life and also in a long time ago
  • NBC begins its night of cute guys on dumb shows with Grimm, followed by Constantine
  • On the Travel Channel, Ghost Adventures takes a special Halloween journey to the Emerald Isle, to confront the "Celtic Demons" that plague our people at their source, while
  • Hawaii Five-0 and Shark Tank offer differing views on our complex interdependence with our world's oceans

AT 10/9c.

  • American Heroes Channel, aka the best channel, has another episode of Ancient Assassins, this one all about ninjas, aka the best ancient thing after aliens
  • Blue Bloods, Z Nation and Foo Fighters all attempt to show us what a reanimated corpse zombie would really look like
  • Bill Maher is joined on Real Time by his superior fellows in the double-threat realm of actor/political mind, Kal Penn and Eva Longoria, while
  • New series Brad Meltzer's Lost History retrieves some history on the H2 channel, then adds a bunch of superheroes getting raped for shock value
  • Young Hot & Crooked comes to the end of its first season so fuckin' why even bother watching TV anyway

SATURDAY

  • At 8/7c. Reelz's Autopsy has a report on The Last Hours Of River Phoenix, so if you're feeling particularly ghoulish maybe think about how Halloween is now over and shut that shit down.
  • There's also a Hallmark MOW called One Starry Christmas—guess Christmas is coming soon? Does that check out?—and it is about an astronomer who falls in love and learns to line-dance one Christmas. So if you're having a normal fun Saturday night where you feel okay about yourself and about life, and for some reason you want to turn that right around, we have at least one way you can do that now.
  • At 9/8c. Nick Cave visits Austin City Limits with his Seeds, Doctor Who is hypothetically on, and
  • CMT's got a show, Swamp Pawn, that combines two things shows should never be about, yet always are.
  • At 10/9c. Flex & Shanice, a show about people with those names, premieres on OWN, the Transporter continues sending people to the ER on TNT, and Sex keeps doing that also, on TLC.
  • At 11:29/10:29c. it's Saturday Night Live with Chris Rock and musical guest Prince, unless you have become "unstuck in time" like Billy Pilgrim and/or you're having a stroke and think it's 20 years ago like SNL apparently does. Man does that show suck so far this season. Even this apologist right here has finally had to give in. Only took forty literal years for me to hate it. Good job, Season Forty. Please give us back Kyle Mooney and I'll call it even, I swear.

SUNDAY

  • Fox lineup starts at 7:30/6:30c.: Bob's Burgers ("Tina & the Real Ghost," an historically important title if ever there were one), Simpsons ("Opposites A-Frack"), Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and yet another episode of Mulaney. Is that good yet? I have this feeling it's gonna turn left and we're all going to decide we like it and I'm going to be like, "Well now what." Having missed the whole thing because I found it too painful to watch him and Nasim go through the shitshow that I witnessed when I first tried it out.
  • CBS lineup, and you know how this works, starts at some point in the evening and ends at some other point in the evening, but you probably wanna DVR all three of them, because somehow CBS has recently gotten even fucking stupider about how the internet and cable and time-shifting and the entire universe work. Madam Secretary, Alicia's political stuff on The Good Wife, and a special chick-centric CSI: with the feminist title "Girls Gone Wilder."
  • Otherwise, at 8/7c. It's Once Upon a Time, The Paradise on PBS, and a "Road Trip Countdown" to Season Seven of the most mortifying show on Bravo, Real Housewives of Atlanta before the first hour of reunion time for the second-most, Real Housewives of New Jersey.

AT 9/8c.

  • Carrie's getting freaky again on Homeland, and Death Comes to Pemberley on PBS for the last of two times
  • Kourtney & Khloé try desperately to Take The Hamptons for the third year in a row, while fellow zombie shows Resurrection and Walking Dead air on ABC and AMC respectively
  • Oprah goes looking for Melissa Gilbert, Deidre Hall, original Star Search winner Sam Harris and a woman referred to only as "Mimi from The Drew Carey Show," ouch
  • HBO debuts the first two (of four) hours of Olive Kitteridge starring Frances McDormand, which is adapted from the Elizabeth Stroud book, which Frances loved so much she optioned it the week before it won the Pulitzer

AT 10/9c.

  • The Affair on Showtime nears the halfway point, with episode four
  • Revenge and My Five Wives continue on ABC and TLC
  • Manzo'd With Children comes to a blessed (two-hour!) end on Bravo, and over on E! a new show debuts about Diane von Furstenberg, who is amazing, called House of DVF. How much Diane do you think there will be? Do you think there will be Miu? I just love her. I mean, I don't know her, I just feel warmly toward their family. Their House, if you will. If the von Furstenbergs were on Game of Thrones, E! seems to be asking, what would be their Words? Attitude Is Everything probably. And their flag would be tastefully minimal and elegantly draped.
  • At 11/10c., finally, there's Last Week Tonight, and on Bravo Andy and Caroline Manzo (nope) will be joined by Michelle Williams on Watch What Happens: Live. But which Michelle Williams? I have this game I like to play where I never find out beforehand which one it is, and that way it's fun no matter what. If you're expecting one of them and get the other one that can be a bummer, but if you just leave it up to God, or in this case Andy Cohen, you find that what you get is what you wanted all along. The arc of Schrödinger's Michelle Williams is long, but it bends toward justice.

XOXO, see you Monday. Don't have too much fun tonight but also you better not have too little. Have just the right amount of fun, or just under if you're worried about making a dick of yourself. And good luck!

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. What are you watching this weekend? What are we missing out on? Recommendations and discussions down below.

Ex-Googler Poached By Obama Is Already Praising "Talented Regulators"

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Ex-Googler Poached By Obama Is Already Praising "Talented Regulators"

A few weeks in the White House has imbued chief technology officer Megan Smith with a newfound respect for Silicon Valley's number one enemy: regulation. While Larry and Sergey try to dismantle healthcare law, the former VP of Google X is complimenting "talented regulators" in The New York Times Magazine.

Her about-face is particularly interesting since Google X is the division with all the far-fetched futuristic ideas that put her old corporation at odds with federal authorities. Smith initially admits a government gig means dealing with outdated technology:

Now that you work at the White House, approximately how many times a day do you find yourself thinking, God, we did this so much better at Google? Maybe not Google, but corporate America in general. Sometimes it's frustrating, because of the I.T. stuff that needs upgrading — the president is really pushing hard for that to be done.

But she quickly adds that the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well in Washington, D.C. In fact, if you really want to change the world, apply for job in government!

But you're not in I.T. Your focus is national technology policy. What are you doing with that? We're working with talented regulators, figuring out how to help innovators have a space in which to prototype and plan — what we call "sandboxing" — while we're still protecting the American people.

"Talented regulators" — was that a phrase you ever would have used before you started working in government? They are talented. I love how entrepreneurial people are here. I actually think that working in the federal government, or state or local, is one of the most significant things that a technical person can do.

Which is not something you often hear people in Silicon Valley say.

But so many kids at the top schools apply for Teach for America. I'd like to talk to those young people and say: Consider government. It's real service, and you can affect hundreds of millions of people. And if you're working for U.S.A.I.D. and the State Department, you can affect billions of people.

Impacting billions of people is a great line, but how can U.S.A.I.D. compete with learn to code recruiting videos about the "awesome" offices of Silicon Valley?

To contact the author of the post, please email nitasha@gawker.com.

[Image via Getty]

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