I do not know 21-year-old Alyssa Ferraro of Hooksett, NH, but from what we can gather from her reported arrest by police following a presumably intense game of Monopoly, she's just a woman who needed to tell her boyfriend, "fuck this shit" ("this shit" being "u r cheating at this game") with her hand.

Police were called to a home last Sunday at 11:59 p.m. where Ferraro, the New Hampshire Union Leader reports, allegedly "got into an argument with her boyfriend over a game of Monopoly and open hand slapped him in the face."

According to CBS Boston, Ferraro was charged with domestic violence related simple assault and was released from jail on $2,000 bail. The boyfriend "was not seriously hurt" but we assume will never cheat at Monopoly ever again.

[Image via Hooksett, NH police]

If there is one thing that 4chan users and Facebook users have in common besides fatuousness and illiteracy, it is a fondness for sharing their thoughts about race and criminal justice in the comment sections of Gawker.com.

And so the very worst of the internet dropped by last night to "Actually," us all to death about Michael Brown and Darren Wilson, posting unreconstructed racist bile, gross and offensive images, and undirected seething hate.

Luckily, we now have a flagging system to help readers identify and call to our attention bad posts. For those of us with blocking capability it felt a bit—as one editor put it—like "slaying orcs outside the Black Gate." But: How many orcs did we actually slay?

Product manager Lauren Bertolini, platform engineer Peter Laszlo, and executive director for data and analytics Josh Laurito pulled some numbers for us: Between 9 p.m. last night, when St. Louis County prosecutor Robert McCulloch announced that Wilson wouldn't be indicted for killing Brown, and 10:30 a.m. this morning, 14,838 comments were left on the site (4,000 of them on our initial breaking-news post alone). Of those nearly 15,000 comments, 541 were flagged by users. For comparison, Jezebel, which had the next highest number, only saw 68 flagged comments.

Here's the breakdown of how we dealt with those flags, courtesy Jim Cooke. An explanation follows.

What do "dismissed," "resolved," and "blocked" mean?

When we look at the flagged-comments moderation queue, we're given three options: Clear or resolve the flag (no action); dismiss the comment (for bad or stupid comments that aren't so egregious as to require blocking the user); or, for comments from people whom we clearly don't ever want to hear from again, dismiss the comment and block the user.

So. Over the 13 hours that Lauren and Peter pulled for us, 408 posts in the flagged queue were acted on. Only in 10 of those cases was the comment passable enough to not require action on the user. In the other 398 cases, the comment was unforgivable: so bad as to warrant blocking the user entirely.

(How many commenters does that represent, total? It's unclear—the figure refers to the number of comments dealt with by blocking, so a single commenter might be responsible for 5 or more of those block-worthy comments.)

And yet! The state of internet comment is unbelievably shitty. 400ish horrific comments making up 3 percent of the total comments on a blog that had about 18,000 people visiting at its peak last night? I'll take it.

Sausage is a new blog about how Gawker is made.

Gil Scott-Heron's 1975 cut "Winter In America" fully evokes the pain of Ferguson unrest.

Forty years later and the intonations are eerily familiar, the message resoundingly clear: We have been here before. We will be here again.

Gil reminds us:

From the Indians who welcomed the pilgrims
And to the buffalo who once ruled the plains
Like the vultures circling beneath the dark clouds
Looking for the rain
Looking for the rain

Just like the cities staggered on the coastline
Living in a nation that just can't stand much more
Like the forest buried beneath the highway
Never had a chance to grow
Never had a chance to grow

And now it's winter
Winter in America
Yes and all of the healers have been killed
Or sent away, yeah
But the people know, the people know
It's winter
Winter in America
And ain't nobody fighting
'Cause nobody knows what to save
Save your soul, Lord knows
From Winter in America

The Constitution
A noble piece of paper
With free society
Struggled but it died in vain
And now Democracy is ragtime on the corner
Hoping for some rain
Looks like it's hoping
Hoping for some rain

And I see the robins
Perched in barren treetops
Watching last-ditch racists marching across the floor
But just like the peace sign that vanished in our dreams
Never had a chance to grow
Never had a chance to grow

And now it's winter
It's winter in America
And all of the healers have been killed
Or betrayed
Yeah, but the people know, people know
It's winter, Lord knows
It's winter in America
And ain't nobody fighting
Cause nobody knows what to save
Save your souls
From Winter in America

And now it's winter
Winter in America
And all of the healers done been killed or sent away
Yeah, and the people know, people know
It's winter
Winter in America
And ain't nobody fighting
Cause nobody knows what to save
And ain't nobody fighting
Cause nobody knows, nobody knows
And ain't nobody fighting
Cause nobody knows what to save

And now—now—it's winter.

The East Coast's first major snowstorm of the year is expected to start cranking tomorrow afternoon, dropping significant snow in the Northeast the busiest travel day of the year. Out of all of the major cities, New York City is poised to see the most, with up to six inches possible.

The storm will drop snow from the mountains of North Carolina northeast through Maine, providing a passing glance with possibly a dusting (or possibly up to an inch) of snow in Washington D.C. and Baltimore. Philadelphia could see up to two inches of snow if the rain changes over to snow early enough. The western suburbs of each city will see a couple of inches of accumulating snow, with totals growing the further north you go.

The heaviest snows will occur in the Northeast, with areas from the Hudson Valley through the Berkshires possibly seeing snowfall totals in the double-digits. One of the most surprising changes is that the National Weather Service now expects northern New Jersey (including Newark) and New York City itself to pick up half a foot of snow from the system. Snowfall totals will gradually taper off to a dusting out towards the end of Long Island.

Snow will begin in the morning around the D.C. area, with rain changing over to snow by early afternoon around New York City.

This kind of snowstorm would be newsworthy in the winter for the travel disruptions it would cause on a good day, but by pure, dumb luck, the storm is hitting some major travel hubs on the busiest travel day of the year. Wonderful!

Cancellations and delays are highly likely as the snow starts falling tomorrow afternoon. Provided airlines don't completely scrap flights in cities like New York or Boston, delays will begin stacking up as crews deice aircraft and plow the runways. General congestion will also take its toll, and cancellations will cause ripples through the system—one plane can make as many as eight to ten flights in a day, all of which would be cancelled if that aircraft is grounded due to snow.

If you're traveling through the affected regions, make sure that you check ahead with your airline (or bus service or Amtrak) to make sure that your plane/train/bus isn't delayed or cancelled. If you're driving through the snow, please don't act like an idiot. Please. The roads are bad enough on Thanksgiving Eve without having to worry about pileups because people can't drive in the snow.

Local National Weather Service offices update their snowfall forecasts every couple of hours. The newest model runs are rolling out as of the publication of this post, so expect forecasters to tweak snowfall totals as we get closer to the event.

[Image: NWS]

You can follow the author on Twitter or send him an email.

Last night, CNN attempted to cover the contentious events in Ferguson, Mo., including the announcement that police officer Darren Wilson would not be indicted for killing a black teenager named Michael Brown and the heated protests which followed. What the most trusted brand in American journalism ended up covering, however, was themselves.

Throughout Monday evening, CNN’s on-air talent—particularly Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, and Van Jones—focused less on the grand jury’s decision, or the grievances of those demonstrating in Ferguson, and more on how they, as CNN anchors, personally felt about what was happening around them.

As you can see in the video above, a CNN viewer might wind up thinking that what really mattered was that:

1. Don Lemon detected the odor of marijuana:

They’re on the tops of roof of cars, and, umm, obviously there’s the smell of marijuana in the air.

2. Chris Cuomo is going to expense his gas mask:

We need to invest in a better gas mask, by the way. We’ll put that down on your expense, Anderson.

3. Don Lemon learned that St. Louisans pronounce a particular highway “Farty Four”:

It’s Highway Forty and Forty Four, and people call it Highway Farty and Farty Four, because that’s sort of the St. Louis accent.

4. Don Lemon is extremely sad about the destruction of a Little Caesars pizzeria:

You’re looking at a building that is on fire, and it seems to be a complete loss, an utter loss, if you look at it, and we’re told by our producers and authorities that this is a Little Caesars.

5. Van Jones saw some “social media video bloggers” protesting the grand jury’s decision:

What’s going on now is you have really boiled this thing down to a very small number of hardcore protestors and then social media video bloggers who are now in a kind of standoff with a large number of law enforcement.

6. Don Lemon also saw some “bloggers” and “live streamers”:

Many of them are bloggers, live streamers, who are really sort of in a standoff, a confrontation with police.

7. Yet Van Jones and Don Lemon disagree about what “social bloggers” were doing, exactly:

Jones: The small number of people who were left were either social bloggers and videographers or people who were out there who were trying to start trouble.

Lemon: So the social bloggers and videographers were the people who were looting and burning down buildings?

Jones: Now, Don, don’t do this to me now.

One of the most important stories from last night was obviously: The presence of bloggers and videographers. CNN said so!

Adding to the channel’s flair for great television was Don Lemon’s intense attention to his own attire, including a bulletproof vest (with a scarf tucked into it) and a gas mask (worn as a hat):

Don Lemon getting edgy with the bold scarf-bulletproof vest combo. pic.twitter.com/EuVlNYPJwT

— James Lumalu (@jameslumalu) November 25, 2014

only Don Lemon wears a gas mask as a hat. #PeaceInFerguson pic.twitter.com/5vt5JK3ziQ

— Loni Love (@LoniLove) November 25, 2014

But the worst component of CNN’s Ferguson coverage—which no video or still can adequately capture—is the fact that, for much of the night, what viewers saw was Don Lemon and Chris Cuomo bantering with each other and other on-scene anchors. This was CNN: Anchors interviewing their colleagues, rather than anyone around them. Amidst a crowd resisting the profound injustice of Michael Brown’s death, you were watching television personalities talking to themselves.

Indeed, the most dramatic moment of CNN’s coverage—Lemon and Cuomo briefly going off-air after someone threw a tear-gas canister thrown in their direction—quickly became an opportunity to highlight not the protestors who were teargassed, but CNN employees:

Shortly after, Lemon returned to the air via a phone call. “My entire crew, Chris Cuomo, Van Jones and I were out standing in front of the police department and several tear gas canisters went off in front of us,” Lemon said. “We were ushered out by our security and members of the Ferguson police department ... the smoke was so thick we could barely move.”

For CNN, this was amazing television: CNN anchors get teargassed! For everyone else in Ferguson, it was just another canister.

Slow news day? Fuck you. You actually got paid to write this? This is news? Die, cunt.

Yes, tiny bits of sweet wisdom like that are presumably what Joel McHale serves to highlight in Comments Section, a pilot he is currently producing as part of his new production deal with E!. From Deadline:

It will star comedian Michael Kosta and focus on deconstructing the often snarky comments on popular websites. McHale and his Free Period producing partner, Jason Burns, will executive produce with The Soupshowrunner KP Anderson under his Pygmy Wolf Productions banner.

Joel McHale: What is the least pleasant thing you can think of?
E!: Comments garbage people leave on blog posts.
Joel McHale: Yup!
E!: OMG. Wait.
Joel McHale: I know.
E!: Holy shit.
Joel McHale: I know!

The End

[image via Getty]

It's never an easy thing to lose a loved one. When someone takes their own life, however, it can present its own set of challenges. Here, we'll discuss how to cope with this particularly difficult type of loss.

Clearing Up Some Myths About Suicide

Suicide is very commonly misunderstood. As a result, it has a large stigma that not only hinders the grieving process, but can keep people from seeking the help they need in the first place. Here are some facts you may or may not have known about suicide:

• Mental illness can (but doesn't always) increase suicide risk: Often times, we try to interpret suicide as a symptom of depression. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention explains that this is sometimes the case. However, it is equally true that intense stress, traumatic events, substance abuse, or serious and chronic pain can lead someone to take their own life.
• Anyone can be a victim of suicide: While the AFSP says that white males in particular are at a higher risk of suicide statistically, there 40,600 lives lost to suicide in 2012, which included men and women of all ethnicities and age ranges. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.
• Suicide doesn't peak during the holidays. Contrary to popular belief, the holiday season is not an outstanding cause of suicide, which may be a bit of a comfort as the holidays approach. According to the Center for Disease Control, suicide is actually at its lowest rate in December. Suicide rates actually tend to spike during the Spring and Fall.

Suicide Loss Differs From Other Types of Death

It's important to know that the grieving process for a loved one who takes their own life can be dramatically different from most other types of death. While we understand how heart disease, old age, or car accidents work, the path to suicide happens largely internally. In fact, suicide can often occur without any warning signs at all. This isn't always the case, but it can happen.

Naturally, coping with the loss of someone close to you in this way can be hard in its own special way. Keep in mind as you process these feelings:

• It's okay to wonder why: Many suicide victims do not leave a note. Even if they do, you can still struggle with what drove them to the point that they felt this was necessary. Unfortunately, you can't always get answers, but it's alright to ask.
• It's alright to be angry: When a drunk driver causes an accident that takes a loved one's life, you know who to be angry at. When someone commits suicide, though, the person who did it and the victim are the same. Thoughts like "How could he do that to us?" or "Didn't she care about us?" are extremely common and also perfectly natural.
• Blaming yourself is natural (but it's not your fault): When something tragic happens, we want to believe we could've prevented it. This instinct doesn't pair well with the first bullet on this list. It's easy to imagine a "what if" scenarios. The problem is that this often only makes us feel worse. While feelings of guilt are totally normal, be aware that ultimately, the choice was theirs and try not to be so hard on yourself.

All of these reactions are perfectly normal and expected. It's important to keep in mind that you may experience any or all of these emotions while coping with the grief. While it won't make the feelings go away, knowing they're natural can help ease the transition.

Help Yourself Grieve with These Coping Strategies

Unfortunately, there's no one method for overcoming grief. We all have our own ways of dealing with loss and the case of suicide is no different. However, there is no shortage of strategies or suggestions you can try to help get past through the process. Here are some actions you should consider.

Stay in Contact with Friends and Family

It can be tempting to isolate yourself during the grieving process—and it's okay to take time for yourself! However, as the Mayo Clinic suggests, try to maintain regular contact with at least some friends or members of your family. Isolation and negative emotions can be catalysts for depression, which can make it very difficult to escape the cycle. Additionally, your other loved ones may be just as affected by the loss as you are. Holding each other up can be considerably more therapeutic than running from the feelings.

Make a Time and Space for Yourself

Our society doesn't allow a ton of time or space for grieving. While some jobs or schools may give you a grace period of a few days (whereas grieving can take months or even years), being out of commission for too long can lead to tangible consequences. To compensate for this, the ASFP's Resource and Healing Guide suggests that you dedicate time to yourself.

If you have paid time off with your job, consider setting aside a portion of it for a "grief vacation." If you can't take time off, schedule some time either after work or on the weekends to simply be on your own. You can play games, write in a journal, go driving, or whatever it is that helps you relax and process. Just be sure you set it aside. Being constantly busy with others' expectations can cause you to avoid the grieving process altogether.

Avoid Major Decisions (or Seek Outside Input)

When we can't change something that hurts us, we often try to change things we can control to compensate. Quitting your job, beginning or ending a relationship, or moving to a new place are all big decisions. You may be tempted to leave a home that reminds you of your loved one, or to quit a job to remove stress. However, you should avoid making any major decisions while you grieve. Accept that your judgment may not be at 100% and try to hold off for a while.

If you absolutely have to make a major decision (you can't help when your lease is up, after all), consult with trusted friends before you make a commitment. Ideally, speak to someone who is not similarly affected connected to the tragedy if possible. A friend from a different social circle or even a coworker can help shed some light on the situation.

Consider Professional Help if Necessary

There's no shame in seeking help if you have to. Professional therapy has begun to shed its stigma over the years, but many people still feel as though seeing a therapist can mean there's "something wrong with me." And, in a sense, there is. In the same way that being exposed to germs or bacteria can make your body sick, being exposed to tragedy can make your mind ill. You're not broken, though. Everyone needs support sometimes, and seeking help from an experienced professional is a perfectly natural step that we take in every other area of life.

If you're not familiar with how to find a mental health professional, we've discussed the issue here. We've also discussed how to find help if you can't afford traditional therapy. In both cases, it can help to find a therapist that you can relate to on a personal level. As our own Melanie shared, just because the first person you talk to didn't help, that doesn't mean no one can. It's important that you find a therapist that works for you, so don't be afraid to ask to talk to someone else if you're uncomfortable.

Find More Help with These Resources

Dealing with the loss when a loved one commits suicide isn't a process that's done in a day. In fact, it can go on for a long, long time. If you need more guidance or just an ear to listen to, here are some resources you can check out for more help:

• The Mayo Clinic offers several articles guides with additional suggestions on how to cope here. Topics go beyond just the scope of suicide, but many resources relating to grief are applicable as well.
• The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention offers guidance on understanding suicide, how to cope, and where you can find support groups in your area or online. You can also read stories from others who have suffered similar losses.
• If you're an educator or professional who is looking to help those in your organization learn about and deal with suicide loss, the Suicide Prevention Resource Center has a variety of kits and resources to help you support those under your care.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, if you're considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255 in the US) or speak to someone you know. There are always alternatives and, despite how you may feel, it is possible to get the help you need. Speaking personally as someone who has considered and attempted suicide in the past, the darkest moments do not have to be the end. Please reach out.

Photos by Cathy Baird, Antoine K, Sander van der Wel.

The Ferguson church where Michael Brown Sr. was baptized this past weekend was set on fire during protests in the city Monday night. Rev. Carlton Lee told NBC News he suspects his church was targeted because of his vocal support of the Brown family and his repeated calling for Darren Wilson's arrest.

From NBC News:

The pastor said he doubted the same people who were raging on the other end of West Florissant had burned his church. Instead, he said, he suspected white supremacists who wanted to punish him for his support of the Brown family, who had just been baptized there.

"Sunday, we do the baptism, Monday, the church is one fire. It just doesn't add up," he said.

Lee said police told him about the church late Monday night.

"I feel like one of my children has died," he said. "I put my blood, my sweat, my tears into this church, getting this church built from the ground up. To see that it was taken down in a few minutes is really heartbreaking."

Brown Sr., Lee said, "was just devastated again" after hearing about the church Tuesday afternoon.

[Photo of Michael Brown Sr. via AP]

Slimy pickup artist Julien Blanc has been barred from entering Singapore "especially if he is here to hold seminars or events that propagate violence against women." He'd previously been thrown out of Australia and rejected by the U.K.

Grandmothers truly are angels among us: cast out of heaven by God for unspecified crimes, forced to be on their best behavior at all times so that when He calls them back to Paradise to reevaluate the terms of their exile, they can be readmitted without issue, and forget all about their difficult lives on earth. Grandmothers have the wit of Dorothy Parker, the fashion sense of Coco Chanel, and the personality of bae. The only thing they love more than their grandchildren is feeding their grandchildren.

But while a grandmother's instinct to nurture harbors no restrictions, sometimes a person's stupid diet does. For many of those family members who find themselves away from their own ovens and dining rooms (toasters, tables in front of the TV), the joy of this festive season is undercut by a gnawing dread: with interlopers typically banned from kitchens during high-stakes holiday meal preparations, those who elect not to eat the traditional family meal—those who think outside the bun—are left at the mercy of their well-intentioned, harried, loving, resentful, this is what I made and you can eat it or not hosts.

This season, what sorts of meal substitutions will be Frankenstein'd up in your loved ones' kitchens to accommodate your family members' finicky requests? A plain baked potato and a glass of Campari for the vegetarian? A Thanksgiving feast of corn and rolls? A napkin (vegan), microwaved until warm, served with a side of gravy because gravy is not meat, it's a liquid? Or will your grandmother simply lie when quizzed about the components of various dishes, because she feels you are too pale?

Please share your Thanksgiving food horror stories in the comments and then call your grandmother and tell her you love her. Don't bother explaining again what gluten is. She doesn't need to know. She is perfect.

[Image via Shutterstock]

Lifetime's new series The Sisterhood follows five young women through their period of "discernment," a 6-week trial period where they decide if becoming a nun in 2014 is for them.

Above 27-year-old Christie from Glendale explains how she received her call, and I have a lot of questions about what and who she saw. Like, let's get specific, let's get a police sketch artist involved, because I have a feeling that Our Lord and Savior as Christie pictures him might just be Ryan Gosling with extensions, or Joe Manganiello in a loin cloth and huarache sandals.

Christie is not the only candidate for nun-ship that was thinking of the Son of Man in distressingly sexualized ways: another girl set up a framed illustration in her room of "handsome surfer dude Jesus" to remind her that if she gives up worldly relationships "I'm also getting this really gorgeous awesome man." A family member shared that another girl, Joliet, had explained that Jesus had proposed to her, and what could she tell him but yes.

Maybe the term "Bride of Christ," which was thrown around like so much confetti, is the problem? It seems deceptively glamorous. Perhaps "Spinster of Christ" or "Personal Assistant of Christ" would be more accurate.

Don't get me wrong, I love a nun, but I think most nuns would agree with me that Christie's kind of fantasy ideation doesn't represent a spiritual calling to a lifetime of celibacy. Quite the opposite, in fact.

[Videos via Lifetime]

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Follow @GawkerMA and read more about it here.

If you are a middle class person who earns the national median income of $52,000, you pay a federal tax rate of 25%. If you earned ten thousand times that much money, your tax rate would go down.

The IRS has released data on the 400 highest-earning Americans who filed tax returns in 2010, the most recent year available. This is where all of our nation's bad economic trends converge: increasing accumulation of wealth at the very top of the scale (these 400 people represent 1.3% of our country's income), matched by a system of taxation that taxes investment income at a lower rate than regular wages, which means that the richest people in the world—who profit mostly from capital gains, not salaries—end up with lower tax rates than working people. And here are the numbers, via the WSJ:

The IRS's tables show that the top 400 taxpayers had an average tax rate of 18%. But more than half, or 221, had average effective tax rates between 10% and 20%, while 37 had an average rate of less than 10%.

In 2010, the top rate on wages was 35%, while the top rate on long-term capital gains and many dividends was 15%. Those rates, and their deductions, could have helped to lower the average rate paid by the 400, says Mr. Williams.

This is the most powerful argument in the world for taxing capital gains like regular income. And for instituting a maximum income, and forcibly redistributing the assets of the top .01%. At least one of the above, to start.

[Photo of a yacht owned by Larry Ellison, who pays a lower tax rate than you: AP]

Shawn Brown is the only woman Bill Cosby has admitted to having extramarital sex with on record: in 1997, he told Dan Rather, "If you said, 'Did you make love to the woman?' the answer is yes." In a new interview with the Daily Mail, Thompson details an alleged rape at Cosby's hands and claims that he fathered her daughter.

Brown—previously known as Shawn Thompson and Shawn Byers—told the National Enquirer nearly a decade ago that Cosby had raped her in 1973, "But nobody wanted to believe me then because it was the National Enquirer and we were talking about America's favorite father," she said. Brown also went on Inside Edition with rape allegations against Cosby last week. Her daughter, Autumn Jackson, has claimed Cosby is her father for even longer: in 1998, she was jailed after Cosby accused her of extorting him for $40 million to keep her story quiet.

Brown told the Mail she and Cosby carried on a consensual affair for several months, during which time they had sex "more than two and less than 10" times. One night, she said, he urged her to drink a scotch she believes was drugged:

'I had just turned 21 and I didn't drink alcohol. He said "try it, it tastes good". When I did, all I could taste was the alcohol, he kept saying: "Drink more, drink more." '

Brown said Cosby and Williams, who she said was a few years older than Cosby, shared a marijuana joint as the room started spinning. 'I told them I didn't want any but I took a puff — but like Clinton, I didn't inhale, I just blew it straight back out.'

The two men went to play pool and she watched. 'I was sitting in this wicker chair, hanging from the ceiling. It felt like I was sitting way up high in the corner, that's how loopy I was — I felt like I was floating.

'I was in another world, it was more than drowsy, I knew that any second I would be out cold.'

Brown said she woke up naked in Cosby's bed the next morning: "I knew I had had sex. My whole body ached. There was no place that was untouched." She believes Cosby allegedly drugged and raped her despite her willingness to have consensual sex because "I don't think I was freaky enough for him."

Brown is among the women to whom ex-NBC employee Frank Scotti claimed to give payouts on Cosby's behalf. She told the mail that Cosby sent a weekly $750 check after her daughter was born, and that's she's received gifts from him totaling about $250,000 over the years.

According to a CNN report from 1997, Cosby and Jerald Jackson, the man listed as father on Autumn Jackson's birth certificate, both submitted blood samples for a paternity test, but Autumn Jackson refused.

Brown firmly believes that Cosby is the father, and told the Mail that the comedian persuaded her to put Jackson's name on the certificate: "I remember having my period after I last had sex with Jerry, so I know Autumn wasn't his and there was no other man in my life."

Tomorrow you'll gather around the Thanksgiving table with your family—those precious few souls that walk this cold Earth draped in the same flesh and blood that coat your weary bones. Invariably, they will say something that makes you want to murder them or, at the very least, ruin dinner in the process of setting them straight.

Here's our suggestion: Don't.

Earlier this week Vox put together a current-events Cliff's Notes to cram and memorize in order to emerge victorious in The Thanksgiving Fight that future generations will cite as a major factor in solving the conflict between Israel and Palestine. It's meticulously researched and nicely packaged, and if you best express your love and affection for your family by engaging in a spirited debate about politics and culture for which you have studied and prepared—and for many people this is true!—we highly recommend it.

But if you are like the many other people for whom family fights are miserable, predictable re-stagings of ancient battles from which everyone emerges hurt and frustrated, don't bother.

Your cousin wants to talk about Ferguson? Fine. Your cousin is a dumb asshole. You muted your cousin on Facebook for a reason. You understood then, from the comfort of the city in which you chose to live, that although you were obligated to remain friends with him on social media, you were in no way obligated to witness or respond to his ideas and opinions. You knew, back then, that no amount of links towards helpful information could persuade him, no amount of energy extended on your part could change his mind. Nothing has changed. Don't fight. Not for his sake, but for your own. Deep breath.

Your aunt wants to talk about Bill Cosby? Who would've thought something this ignorant would ever fall out of your sweet Aunt Lin's mouth? Rather than take her through the timeline and explain that, no, this isn't the first time we're hearing about the accusations against Cosby, and rather than explain to her how difficult it would be for a victim of sexual assault to accuse and confront her rapist even if we lived in a world where those accusations were taken seriously, and even if their rapist weren't a beloved symbol of traditional family values, which we do not, and which he is—rather than waste your breath and time and blood pressure—don't!

Your grandfather wants to talk about immigration? Give him one of those pursed-lip smiles. Relax. Have a sip of wine. Yummy yum. Have another. Mmm, mm.

Your family members are not opponents in a scored debate. Like everyone else, including you, they are terrified of the world and struggling through life. Their toxic opinions and ideas are not your responsibility. There are circumstances that might call for passionate debate with your uncle. Your uncle's drunken post-dinner attempts to provoke a reaction because he was never properly socialized to display explicit emotion but wants to interact with people he cares about is not included in that list of circumstances.

You know your family very well. Unlike with a friend's new boyfriend—whom you have to at least pretend to attempt to like—you feel very comfortable showing anger towards them on your face, and then showing it very loudly with your mouth. You slip back into the same unfortunate conversational patterns of your youth, except this time you're not fighting with your brother over who gets shotgun in the Honda—you're fighting with your brother over Darren Wilson, and also Gamergate, and also gay marriage, like, how are we even having this argument, holy shit, WHO ARE YOU?

You might, as you trudge home through holiday traffic, stew in the idea that your family is somehow more difficult than everyone else's. You might envision your uncle's misinformed opinions and—thrilling a small amount over your right-thinking heroism—think: "My family is the worst. It's so annoying that I have to take time out of my Thanksgiving dinner to correct their facts, tell them the real truth, and call them idiots."

But let me be the one to tell you, buddy: You don't have to do that!

And, look, more to the point: Your family isn't the worst. They're normal. You have a normal, sucky, argumentative, loving family, and you're just one dumb part of it. I'm sorry.

[image by Jim Cooke]

The oil company TransCanada has announced that it's dropping Edelman as its PR firm after documents leaked in which Edelman advised the company to attack opponents of its oil pipeline plans.

What to do with Amy Duggar, the little Duggar that could? The whole hour of Tuesday's 19 Kids & Counting was lavished on Amy's pursuit of a music career, from her performance on board the Branson Belle showboat to singing to a room of Nashville music executives to her brand new music video (oh yes, there's footage below.)

You can't help but root for Amy in the above clip, where the editing makes Michelle Duggar's subtle shade-throwing seem like a hex on Amy's Branson Belle performance. The pan of the Branson Belle audience revealed a sea of restive retirees, and let me tell you, that's the most unforgiving audience you can perform to. Another minute of silence and the steak-knives would have sailed, but luckily someone in the showboat's AV booth found the karaoke CD and no blood was shed that night.

Amy is eschewing an early marriage to pursue music, and for that I am on her side. However her insistence that her name has nothing to do with the velocity of her career, that she's getting into Nashville boardrooms because of a couple coffee shop open mics and not because of the built-in market created by the wildly successful reality fame of her extended family, is insane.

The Duggar daughters were selling relationship advice books like hotcakes before even being in relationships, and Amy Duggar might apply that same logic to how her music will be marketed. Support Duggar family values? Trundle down to the Walmart and pick up the Duggar CD featuring the single played at Jill's wedding. It's okay to trade shamelessly on your TLC fame, Amy, just don't claim otherwise.

And to be frank, anyone who knows an actual artist struggling to save for recording time will find themselves bristling a little at Amy's highly produced video, which I assume was paid for by mommy and daddy, going from cutting room to national TV without having to pass through any of the established gatekeepers.

Love the hat.

I deeply respect that Amy is considering moving to Nashville, away from the prestige and security of being a Duggar in a town where they must be nothing short of royalty. It's not her fault her parents are rich enough to buy her studio time. I want to see this little Duggar that could be exposed to the world, succeed in a career, and possibly one day provide a haven for refugee Duggars. I wish her nothing but the best. But I'm not buying that CD, sorry.

Also for those of you who are 100% into Duggars Original Recipe, I got you:

[Videos via TLC]

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Follow @GawkerMA and read more about it here.

Ta-Nehisi Coates has a post-Ferguson Thanksgiving proclamation for you: "Barack Obama is the president of a congenitally racist country, erected upon the plunder of life, liberty, labor, and land....Black people are the chastener of their own country. Their experience says to America, 'You wear the mask.'"

A flight from from Siberia's Igarka airport to Krasnoyarsk, the regional capital, was delayed due to temperatures of minus 52 Celsius. The plane was literally frozen on the runway. But the 70 passengers on board, who had already waited one day for their flight, refused to be grounded so easily: They got out and pushed.

"We just want to get back home," said one of the men working to free the frozen 30-ton aircraft.

The plane might have been able to take off, but the grease on the landing gear wasn't rated for such low temperatures, which caused the brake pads to freeze up, the Siberian Times reported.

Airport officials denied that the passengers—mostly oil workers on their way home from shifts in the Arctic—were actually responsible for moving the plane, saying it was just a social media stunt.

"Most likely, the plane's passengers, oil workers, decided to do a kind of 'selfie'. It was a good joke and it became a big thing on the Internet," airport chief Maxim Aksyonov told the Siberian Times.

But one of the men on board maintains passengers were asked to help because a tractor truck couldn't budge the aircraft alone.

"We pushed it a short distance, about five meters, maybe more," he said.

Not much, but good enough to get home. The flight was able to take off safely and made it to Krasnoyarsk without further incident.

[h/t Digg]

Director Ridley Scott cast a bunch of white actors to play Egyptians in his upcoming Moses bipoic Exodus: Gods and Kings. That's showbiz! It's a tale as old as time, white supremacy as old as rhyme.

He recently explained his casting choice to Variety, sounding like a white, right-wing uncle who'll be spouting nonsense to relatives he hasn't has the opportunity to spout at in almost a year, come tomorrow.

I can't mount a film of this budget, where I have to rely on tax rebates in Spain, and say that my lead actor is Mohammad so-and-so from such-and-such. I'm just not going to get it financed. So the question doesn't even come up.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[ H/T Vulture]

[ Image via Getty]

Here is a truth most universal: Nothing makes sex more appealing than a situation where it's totally inconvenient, making Thanksgiving the ideal time for furtive and risky sexcapades. But with family obligations and creaky beds, what's a person to do? Here's our guide to sneaking around on Turkey Day.

Scenario: You want to have sex with your current partner while both of you are staying at your family home.

Level of difficulty: 1 turkey baster full of semen.

Associated costs: Mild embarrassment.

Best places to do it: The floor of your childhood bedroom; the car; the bathroom. (Note that the bathroom ups it to two turkey basters of difficulty if the room you're in doesn't have its own.) (Also: Why did you even go home then? Do you enjoy living like an animal??)

Best position: Missionary in car or on floor; doggy style in bathroom due to ample counter space.

How to do it: This one is fairly easy. Since you and your partner are likely to be staying in the same room (it is 2014, after all) you can just complain of a headache and have them come check on you in five minutes. And sex is a cure for headaches: remember that if you're caught.

If you'd like to have sex in the house, it's best to do it during the day when the noises of your lovemaking will be covered by the noises of holiday revelry, such as your father complaining about Obama or your mother loudly folding sweaters in another room. You may not know this, but it's a universal rule that no matter what bed your parents have put you in, it will creak like it's being murdered (the sound is not unlike a child's shrill-pitched scream) at the first suggestion of coitus. Everyone will immediately know what's going on. The floor may be less comfortable and may creak, but creaks are easily explained away, unlike the angry screaming of old bedsprings.

If you'd like to have sex at night, you're going to need to go into the car (you and I both know someone will come looking for burglars if that floor creaks) and do it very quietly or use the bathroom. The bathroom is ideal for making noise (only one at a time). If anyone comes to investigate, one easy response to deploy is that the moans are the result of too much rich food and not enough fiber in your diet. However, this is risky because your parent will either leave you alone or (more likely) stay by the door, wringing their hands and trying to guide you through your fecal emergency. KNOW WHICH TYPE OF PARENT YOU HAVE BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR YOUR SEX NOISE.

Scenario: You want to have sex with your current partner, while both of you are staying at your respective family's houses in the same town.

Level of difficulty: 2 turkey basters full of semen.

Best place to do it: Motel, well-lit parking lot (Safety first)

Associated costs: motel room, the risk of bringing home bedbugs, feelings of shame, possible rug burn, cost of bottle of whiskey to relax nerves and/or disinfect bed.

Best position: Literally levitating within your motel room and not touching anything. So whatever gets you there is fine. Consider purchasing a portable sling!

How to do it: Offer to go to the store for last-minute food items, alcohol or a trip to Redbox. The latter is the best option, as the line for the Redbox is often long and excruciating and sometimes violent (when a child thinks they're in line for the Coinstar machine but it turns out he got into the wrong line). In this Redbox scenario, it takes approximately ten minutes to get to the store, 45 to wait your turn and select a movie, and another ten to get home. Perfect. The trick is to just choose whatever movie comes up first, thereby saving you up to 20 minutes. You wanted Frozen, little cousins? You're getting The Best Man Holiday and you are going to fucking like it.

Other reasons you may give for leaving the house (ranging from least to most risky): Liquor run, transporting relatives from the airport, visiting aunt Mildred at "the home," taking a trip out to the family gravesite to pay your respects to those who have made the life you are living possible for you, picking a fight with someone and skulking out for some "time alone in the fresh air, mom, okay? Can I just have a few fucking minutes to myself or is this house now under nazi rule?"

Arrive at motel room. Reserve room. Go up to room.

Check motel room for cameras (I have seen movies and know what is up), considering this ritual part of foreplay. Remove everything from bed (especially the quilt, because that is something my partner always reminds me is never cleaned at motels) (not that we have tried this). Set up sling. Have sex as quickly as possible. Enjoy none of it. Return home unfulfilled.

Alternately: Have sex in the car at the Radio Shack parking lot. No one will be there (because it's Radio Shack). Make sure to engage parking brake if you are on an incline and do not freeze to death.

Scenario: You want to have sex with your current partner, while both of you are staying at your respective family's houses, not in the same town.

Level of difficulty: 5 turkey basters full of semen.

Associated costs: The knowledge that you will have to explain whatever you're doing to the five-year-old who will inevitably walk in (trust me on this) and the fact that you will also have to bribe said five-year-old with money and/or candy. The likelihood that the five-year-old will tell is still very high, so consider packing an amnestic such as Versed or several strong muscle relaxers to administer to yourself so that you can render yourself unconscious until no one remembers that this has happened. (While benzodiazepines do have a high addiction rate, the chances of you doing anything other than putting yourself to sleep for 10-23 hours just this one time is quite low.)

Best position: In desk chair, with the screen angled down from above to make you look your best. Keep the lights down low.

How to do it: First, you will need to acquire aforementioned amnestics or benzodiazepines. If there is more than one small child in the neighborhood, you will likely need to plan ahead and gather your supplies over a two to three-month period (hardly seems worth it, but there's no stopping you is there, you incurable sex monster?).

Please remember that a small child will walk in regardless of whether they are in the house or not. This is not debatable.

If you have a prescription for heavy painkillers or muscle relaxers or have an unscrupulous doctor who is likely to prescribe those at will you may skip ahead. If not, you will need a hockey mask, a water gun (Note: NOT SEE THROUGH OR NEON-COLORED SO HELP ME GOD) and access to a 24-hour pharmacy or a nearby doctor's office. How you pull off the heist is up to you (best plan: At the 24-hour pharmacy with the hockey mask and the water gun), but you're definitely going to need the medicine. Don't get caught. Stealing narcotics is a felony.

Once you have procured the goods (tough-person speak for drugs) and are at your parents' house, you will need to wait until everyone is either out of the house or asleep to make the call. Lock your door, although this will be useless. Call your significant other. Proceed to talk dirty until small child walks in. Explain, bribe, end phone call because you are no longer in the mood. Knock yourself out as soon as small child leaves. Wake up 3-5 days later. Try again.

Modification if you are against using narcotics: Procure one of those mind-eraser pens from the Men In Black franchise. Use liberally on anyone who has knowledge of you trying to get it on via Skype. Burn house down if not able to acquire mind-eraser. It will take everyone's mind off your sexual failures.

Scenario: Having sex with your high school crush during the family meal because this is literally the only time they are available and interested.

Level of difficulty: 10 turkey basters full of semen.

Best place to do it: A secluded area. The attic is a good choice due to the fact that no one goes there because that's where the ghosts and spiders live and love and weave their tangled webs.

Best position: Oral is the only choice. You know no one brought condoms.

Things you will need: Your homecoming queen crown. If you were homecoming queen, you may feel free to skip ahead. If you were not homecoming queen (and this is irrespective of gender), you will need to do the following: Leave your family dinner, drive to the home of Heather McForney (who was homecoming queen), climb the trellis to her bedroom window (what, like no one's done it before, Heather? Why do you even have a fucking trellis on your house? Pretentious), enter her room and start searching. The crown will either be in a trophy case, in the top drawer of her bureau (god, you know she has a bureau, right?) or, if she is well-adjusted and has moved on from the glory days of her high school career, in the back of her closet. Right behind the yearbooks and the Hanson posters — of Taylor, of course, who was the least cute.

Grab the crown and go, go, go! If you are caught (and you might be) do whatever it takes to take the crown that is rightfully yours. Violence is never suggested, but you climbed a fucking trellis, didn't you? Yes, you did! Take Heather out — suggestion: Scream "look, over there! Taylor Hanson!" and run — and get the hell home before you lose your nerve.

Associated costs: Being assaulted by ghosts and/or spider, jail time, an unsatisfying experience that does not live up the to the fantasy you've been playing in your mind since your 16th birthday when they show up and look nothing like their Facebook picture, alcohol poisoning.

Turkey basters full of whiskey needed to complete the act of stealing the crown: 0, because it was rightfully yours to begin with, okay? There's no guilt here!

Turkey basters full of whiskey needed to complete act of sex with high school crush: 10. You're literally blowing your lost youth in a stolen plastic crown, don't get proud now.

How to do it: Once you've procured the crown, opened the door and been disappointed by the reality of your sexual partner, sneak them upstairs (if family asks, tell them they're here for a book they lent you senior year) and get on your knees immediately. The reality here, friend, is that all you're getting out of this is a dick (or another sexual organ in your mouth) and will have to continue fantasizing what it would actually be like if your crush brought you to orgasm. Console yourself with the fact that they probably never would have been able to, anyway. Finish the deed. Bid them farewell. Defriend on Facebook. Spend rest of night in bathtub. Crying. (Everyone warned you about this.)

Scenario: You have just met your third cousin (adopted! adopted!) and he/she is hot and into you. You agree to sneak away for a Thanksigiving tryst.

Level of difficulty: 8 turkey basters full of semen

Associated costs: The realization that you are literally "keeping it in the family" and doing some Flowers in the Attic shit, high therapy bills, never being able to look at this cousin or their family in the face again, being referred to as 'cousinfucker' by anyone you ever share this story with ever.

Best place to do it: Anywhere that locks, really. You're not going to be in there for long. Refer to earlier suggestions. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. THIS WILL BE SEEN AS VERY SUSPICIOUS AND PEOPLE WILL SUSPECT YOU ARE BANG BANG BANGING.

Best position: Really? You're fucking a technical member of your family. You're on your own here. Uh, be creative! Be free! Let's move on.

How to do it: Fake a shared mutual interest and invite your cousin — ADOPTED! ADOPTED! — to your room to either play a computer game or have them listen to this one mix tape you made that is really good. Do not go to your room because that is the first place you will be looked for. If the house you are in has a yard with no lights, this is a good place to go. If someone comes out, fake coyote noises as effectively as possible.

Once a place has been chosen, first re-establish that the cousin is adopted. When that has been done, let your animalistic urges take over and just do it like wild animals would. Briefly consider the fact that in all states marrying your third cousin is legal and that you could technically have a long and fulfilling life together if you so chose and if your family wasn't a disgusting example of how judgmental society could be. Lose desire to have sex. Finish awkwardly and possibly painfully.

Return to gathering. Never speak to each other again. Always wonder if the rest of the family knows. (They do. Trust me.)

Scenario: A clandestine handjob during dinner.

Level of difficulty: 12 turkey basters full of semen.

Associated costs: No one ever speaking to you again, the literal death of at least one elderly person at the table if you are caught.

Best position: Hand to partner's genitals; rubbing above clothes is much easier than skin-to-skin contact.

Best time to do it: During grace.

Worst time to do it: While everyone is going around the table saying what they're thankful for. This may seem like the best time because this entire thing is really boring and at least one of your relatives will take about ten minutes recapping their entire life and what they learned from losing a job and finding a job and then losing it again in the past year, but everyone else will be bored to and looking for something interesting to focus on. Under-the-table hand parties will be a prime target.

How to do it: Make sure you are a) seated next to the object of your affection and b) know your right from your left. If you do not know your right from your left, do not attempt this because it is possible you will grab the genitals of a relative. Best case scenario: They hate it; Worst case scenario: They like it. (Please see below if this is not your worst case scenario.)

While everyone's eyes are closed, firmly grasp the crotch of your sweetheart in your hand and begin kneading until firm and/or moist (moooiiiiisssssstttt). If you are not stopped (and you should have negotiated this beforehand, okay?) you may proceed to attempt to make a connection between their flesh and your flesh.

You should remember that while this sounds hot in theory and looks good in pornographic films, the likelihood of your either or your partner becoming spooked, convulsing or laughing really hard is a distinct possibility. If you are unable to explain what's going on, the tablecloth will be whipped back, dinner will be ruined, your parents will shake their heads in shame and your grandmother will die of disappointment right then and there. You will be stuck with the bill if she has not yet signed up for Obamacare.

Thanks, Obama!

If you have further suggestions or modifications, please leave them in the comments. Safe sex tips are always appreciated. Have a safe and enjoyable holiday!

Illustration by Jim Cooke.