The University of Texas, my alma mater, has a very large campus. Easy to lose stuff—like 100 jars of brains in formaldehyde.

About 200 brains, collected by Dr. Coleman de Chenar of Austin State Hospital (formerly known as: the Texas State Lunatic Asylum) from the 1950s to the mid-1980s, were gifted to the University of Texas in 1987 for research, beating out Harvard for the stash. In the intervening years, half of those brains apparently went missing. UT supposedly didn't realize until an excerpt from Alex Hannaford's forthcoming book, Malformed: Forgotten Brains of the Texas State Mental Hospital, was published on The Atlantic's website yesterday. Whoops!

Allegedly among the missing brains: Charles Whitman's, the man who climbed the campus' 307-foot tower with a rifle and shot and killed 16 people in 1966. From the Atlantic:

Whitman's, it transpires, wasn't the only brain missing from the collection. Tim Schallert, a neuroscientist at UT and the collection's curator, says that when the original brains were bequeathed to the University of Texas, there were around 200 specimens. By the mid-1990s, they were taking up much-needed shelf space at the Animal Resources Center, and Dr. Jerry Fineg, the center's then-director, asked Schallert if he would move half of the jars elsewhere.

When Schallert got around to it, he says they had vanished. He asked Fineg if he knew what had happened to them, and Schallert says Fineg told him he got rid of them. "I never found out exactly what happened—whether they were just given away, sold or whatever—but they just disappeared."

"We're moving at breakneck speed to figure this all out," UT spokesman Gary Susswein told the Houston Chronicle today. "We obviously take this very seriously."

It was briefly believed, after a Los Angeles Times report quoting a UT professor, that the brains had been found on the school system's San Antonio campus. Turns out, the Chronicle reports, that professor had just repeated "something he had been told second-hand."

Or this could have happened:

BREAKING: Sources close to story of #missingbrains tell me the brains were destroyed in 2002 @KVUE

— Amber Downing, KVUE (@amberd_kvue) December 3, 2014

Find the brains!

Update: Well, well, well—UT says the brains were destroyed. From the San Antonio Express-News:

UT spokesman Gary Susswein said Wednesday that workers with the university's Environmental Health and Safety division disposed of the brains in 2002. The brains arrived at the university in the 1980s.

"Faculty members determined they were in poor condition and not usable for research or teaching," Susswein said.

That the university ever had Whitman's brain is also contested. "We have no evidence at this time that any of the brain specimens came from Charles Whitman, though we will continue to investigate those reports," the school said in a statement.

[Image via Shutterstock]

"I don't feel that there's a law that's necessary to deal with that issue," NYPD Commissioner Bill Bratton said about police chokeholds last September. "I think there are more than sufficient protocols in place to address a problem."

As the police officer who choked Eric Garner to death is set free, you may be wondering: aren't police chokeholds illegal? They are not. They are only against NYPD policy. That is not by mistake. After Garner's death, members of the New York City Council proposed (and are still proposing) a law against police chokeholds. Commissioner Bratton told the commissioners at the time that he would not support such a law, "insisting that a departmental prohibition is enough."

He was wrong about that.

The medical examiner ruled Eric Garner's death a homicide.

Time to pass that law.

[Photo: AP]

"[T]here are issues in which the law too often feels as if it is being applied in discriminatory fashion. I don't think that's the norm." — President Barack Obama, November 24, 2014

Funnyman and former pretend president Chris Rock has some not-so-funny truths he would like to share with you. In a series of recent interviews with New York, Grantland, The New Yorker, and The Hollywood Reporter, the veteran comedian opens up about navigating Hollywood as a black man, Ferguson, the fallacy of race relations in America, responsibility, and being a role model.

The spate of press was intended to promote Rock's soon-to-be-released film, Top Five, but many of the interviews tackled heavier themes, allowing the comedian to, once again, get some shit off his chest.

In a personal essay for The Hollywood Reporter, Rock heavily scrutinized the lack of embrace for people of color in the TV and film industry:

It's a white industry. Just as the NBA is a black industry. I'm not even saying it's a bad thing. It just is. And the black people they do hire tend to be the same person. That person tends to be female and that person tends to be Ivy League. And there's nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, that's what I want for my daughters. But something tells me that the life my privileged daughters are leading right now might not make them the best candidates to run the black division of anything. And the person who runs the black division of a studio should probably have worked with black people at some point in their life. Clint Culpepper [a white studio chief who specializes in black movies] does a good job at Screen Gems because he's the kind of guy who would actually go see Best Man Holiday. But how many black men have you met working in Hollywood? They don't really hire black men. A black man with bass in his voice and maybe a little hint of facial hair? Not going to happen. It is what it is. I'm a guy who's accepted it all.

You're telling me no Mexicans are qualified to do anything at a studio? Really? Nothing but mop up? What are the odds that that's true? The odds are, because people are people, that there's probably a Mexican David Geffen mopping up for somebody's company right now. The odds are that there's probably a Mexican who's that smart who's never going to be given a shot. And it's not about being given a shot to greenlight a movie because nobody is going to give you that — you've got to take that. The shot is that a Mexican guy or a black guy is qualified to go and give his opinion about how loud the boings are in Dodgeball or whether it's the right shit sound you hear when Jeff Daniels is on the toilet in Dumb and Dumber. It's like, "We only let white people do that." This is a system where only white people can chime in on that. There would be a little naivete to sitting around and going, "Oh, no black person has ever greenlighted a movie," but those other jobs? You're kidding me, right? They don't even require education. When you're on the lower levels, they're just about taste, nothing else. And you don't have to go to Harvard to have taste.

Speaking with Frank Rich for New York, Rock discussed Obama, how racial progress is "all nonsense," and the silly belief that racism is a thing of the past:

When we talk about race relations in America or racial progress, it's all nonsense. There are no race relations. White people were crazy. Now they're not as crazy. To say that black people have made progress would be to say they deserve what happened to them before.

So, to say Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress. There's been black people qualified to be president for hundreds of years. If you saw Tina Turner and Ike having a lovely breakfast over there, would you say their relationship's improved? Some people would. But a smart person would go, "Oh, he stopped punching her in the face." It's not up to her. Ike and Tina Turner's relationship has nothing to do with Tina Turner. Nothing. It just doesn't. The question is, you know, my kids are smart, educated, beautiful, polite children. There have been smart, educated, beautiful, polite black children for hundreds of years. The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let's hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

On racism:

But the thing is, we treat racism in this country like it's a style that America went through. Like flared legs and lava lamps. Oh, that crazy thing we did. We were hanging black people. We treat it like a fad instead of a disease that eradicates millions of people. You've got to get it at a lab, and study it, and see its origins, and see what it's immune to and what breaks it down.

And finally, over at Grantland, Rock on what being a role model implies:

Be a role model to your kids. You just are. Your kids watch you every day. They kind of do what you do. But the whole "Be a role model to people" [idea] is kind of racist when you think about it. It's not like, "Get on the back of the bus, n——" racist. It suggests that my behavior is not natural. It's like, "Hey I don't beat my wife because I don't beat my wife, not because I'm trying to help the race out." Know what I mean? I read because I want to read. It's like, you have a negative image of your people as a whole if you're putting all of your eggs in my basket. Or a basket of my behavior. Really? I don't smoke crack because I don't want to smoke crack, not because I'm trying to help out. So you're saying if I wasn't famous, I'd just be in jail and cracked up if no one was watching me? No.

I hope President Obama's speechwriters took notes.

[Image via Getty]

Rape accusations against Bill Cosby keep coming, but the comedian has yet to comment on any of them. Last night, however, he broke his silence on Twitter to thank Whoopi Goldberg and singer Jill Scott for supporting him. Both Goldberg and Scott have pointed out the lack of "rape kit evidence" to back up the allegations against Cosby.

Thank you @MissJillScott, from the Cosby Family.

— Bill Cosby (@BillCosby) December 3, 2014

Thank you @WhoopiGoldberg.

— Bill Cosby (@BillCosby) December 3, 2014

On The View last month, Goldberg said she had "a lot of questions" for accuser Barbara Bowman, like, "Don't you do a kit when you say someone has raped you? Isn't that the next step once you make an allegation?"

Scott defended Cosby on Twitter after feminist activist Shelby Knox asked her to sign a petition regarding Temple University's now-severed relationship with Cosby.

@ShelbyKnox oh ok. So they've proven the alleged allegations? I didn't know. Will they also be giving him back the millions he's donated?

— ⭐Jill Scott⭐ (@missjillscott) November 24, 2014

@SimplyBerry u know Bill Cosby? I do child and this is insane. Proof. Period.

— ⭐Jill Scott⭐ (@missjillscott) November 30, 2014

We will respectfully have to agree to disagree.

— ⭐Jill Scott⭐ (@missjillscott) December 1, 2014

Rape is a despicable, cowardly crime. If you've been raped- plz do NOT shower, go to police IMMEDIATELY, have a rap kit done. GET EVIDENCE.

— ⭐Jill Scott⭐ (@missjillscott) December 1, 2014

Cosby will probably always have his defenders.

Have you ever carefully stockpiled trash, only to have it disappear the moment your back was turned? According to a study published Tuesday from researchers at North Carolina State University, ants could be the culprit.

The study looked at ants living in medians and parks to measure both biodiversity and how much these guys looooooove garbage. Oh my god, they eat so much garbage, you have no idea:

To see how much the arthropods ate, the researchers put out carefully measured amounts of junk food - potato chips, cookies and hot dogs - at sites in street medians and city parks. Researchers placed two sets of food at each site. One set was placed in a cage, so only arthropods could reach the food; the second set was placed in the open, where other animals could also eat it. After 24 hours, the scientists collected the food to see how much was eaten.

Though there was less biodiversity in the medians, the study found ants living there ate two to three times more trash than those living in parks—possibly because the most common species found in the medians was the pavement ant, "a particularly efficient forager in urban environments."

Looking particularly at the median along Broadway, the study found the ants who reside there eat 2,100 pounds of garbage per year, the equivalent of 60,000 hot dogs. 60,000 hot dogs! The equivalent of the weight of 60,000 HOT DOGS! worth of trash, in just the median along Broadway!

Dr. Elsa Youngsteadt, author of the study, wants you to know this isn't just a silly fact:

"This isn't just a silly fact. This highlights a very real service that these arthropods provide. They effectively dispose of our trash for us."

And the study claims they help keep rats away, because when the ants eat all the trash, the rats don't have any trash to eat.

Great!

Get ants for your house!

[image via Shutterstock, h/t NBC]

This clip of a man jamming on a keyboard and singing what sounds like "everybody knows shit, FUCK" has been making the rounds today: It's been dubbed "The Everybody Knows Shit Fuck Dance," and declared "one of the internet's greatest achievements" from a "street musician who only knows four words." Only some of that is true.

The song is actually called "Everybody Knows Shit's Fucked," and the performer is Stephen Paul Taylor, a 40-year-old Canadian-born musician living in Germany. He describes himself as "quite possibly the most notorious keyboard player in all of Berlin."

He might be a "street musician" of sorts, in that he was literally playing music on a street when that video was taken, but he also regularly plays shows at indoor venues.

He also knows more than four words. And, as you can see from this music video he posted from his kitchen today, some of them are about the U.S. doing 9/11. (This is the titular shit that he strongly feels is fucked.)

That's one catchy synthpop conspiracy theory!

While the Loose Change-y specifics of SPT's lyrics are dubious, his hook taps into a broader sentiment regarding shit generally, vis. whether it is fucked (and, if yes, whether everybody knows). That's at least a middling internet achievement.

[h/t Reddit, Video: louisaamenke/Instagram ]

It's a raw day here in the Big Apple, made all the more bitter by the malignancy of the news cycle. On days like these the Baby Name Critic thinks, how can we focus on baby names at a time like this? But the babies keep being born, and the parents keep naming them. So we soldier on.

And so, Sean Parker, bloated Silicon Valley asshole, and his wife Alexandra, an elf, have birthed into this wicked world a new male citizen: Zephyr Emerson Parker.

I can only hope the Parker family, multi-millionaires who threw a lavish, environmentally unfriendly, Game of Thrones-themed wedding last summer, are taxed at a higher rate for this baby name.

Zephyr, from the Greek Zephyrus, means "summer breeze." Emerson could mean many things: an homage to Ralph Waldo (spare me), the performing arts college, or the electronics brand, et al. Any way you want to spin it, it's a McMansion name. It proves that underneath the GoT cosplay, Parker and bride are nothing more than new money garbage people.

For those who have skipped to this paragraph: Full translation of this baby's name: Summer Breeze New Money Garbage.

Zephyr joins big sister Winter Victoria, whose name translates to "my parents live in a fantasy."

This has been Baby Name Critic.

[Pic via Getty]

Tim Loehmann, the Cleveland police officer who shot 12-year-old Tamir Rice to death last month, resigned from a smaller Ohio police force in 2012 after being found unfit for duty. Among other obviously disqualifying behavior, Loehmann was "distracted" and "weepy" during his firearm qualification session, according to just-released records from his brief tenure with the Independence police department.

"He could not follow simple directions, could not communicate clear thoughts nor recollections, and his handgun performance was dismal," Independence Deputy Chief Jim Polak wrote in a letter on November 29, 2012, according to records obtained by the Northeast Ohio Media Group. "For these reasons, I am recommending he be released from the employment of the city of Independence. I do not believe time, nor training, will be able to change or correct these deficiencies."

Polak also wrote that he believed there would certain situations during which Loehmann would "not react in the way instructed."

The Northeast Ohio Media Group has more details from Loehmann's tenure as an officer in Independence:

Loehmann's troubles began in 2012 while he attended the Cleveland Heights Police Academy. An issue with an on-again, off-again girlfriend caused Loehmann distress and, in one case, he fell asleep during training, according to a written report from Independence Police Sgt. Greg Tinnirello.

Loehmann told Tinnirello that he cried often about his personal issue during training and Loehmann's mother told Tinnierello that her son's study papers "would be soaked in tears nightly for three months."

...

The problems at Independence erupted on Nov. 28, 2012, the records say. Loehmann showed up "sleepy and upset" for a 6 a.m. state gun qualification session.

Tinnierello wrote that Loehmann "was distracted and was not following simple instructions" at the shooting range.

At one point, he went to the back of the range to reload his magazine and could not return to the line where he was supposed to shoot from, Tinnierello wrote. Loehmann appeared to be crying and was emotionally upset so Tinnierello said they would stop the exercise for the day.

Loehmann resigned from the Independence force on December 3, 2012, just four days after Polak's letter and six months after joining the department. In March 2014, Loehmann joined the Cleveland police department, in part, according to his father, because he wanted "more action" than the Independence department could offer.

On November 22, Loehmann opened fire on 12-year-old Tamir Rice, who was holding a BB gun, just two seconds after arriving on the scene at a Cleveland park. Rice died the next morning.

[Image via AP]

Hyundai recently held its Future Automobile Technology Competition in South Korea, pitting 12 teams against each other to see which autonomous tech comes out on top. Only four teams made it to the final round, and on the second day, disaster. A strange liquid fell from the sky.

This and other environmental anomalies – snow, fog, smoke, sand, locusts – continue to be an issue for self-driving cars, but it's never been so clearly illustrated than with the two clips below.

Here's the first day, with a dry course and the sun out:

Then the second day, just after it rained, same car, same equipment, same software:

For the full effect, take a tip from IEEE and click here for the YouTube Doubler version to see them side-by-side.

The issues with the KAIST Unmanned Systems Research Group's car were numerous, but the biggest problems had less to do with the slippery road surface and more to do with the visual systems. Those cameras and LIDAR arrays are dependent on a clear view, and with the angle of the car shifting and the direction of the sun, the sensors fail to pick up everything from street signs to lane markings and even pedestrians. And it just keeps getting worse.

The team has to hit the emergency stop button at least twice, veers onto the side of the road, doesn't see a curb and almost slams into a light pole, and then smacks into a barrier when parking.

But even during the dry run the car hits the barricades, so even in perfect conditions there are kinks to work out.

And it could've been worse:

Hey, at least it signaled.

Welcome back to Midweek Madness where each week we dip a toe into the shit pool known as Hollywood! Today, Kim and Kanye are headed towards ruin, Channing Tatum is trying to Magic Mike his way into another baby and Kate Middleton has exposed herself as a psychic and possible Grand Supreme. Cut with the hesitation, make sure your mouth is closed and CANNON BALL in, baby. The water is fine.

Life & Style

PREGNANT BY ONE MAN, IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER

HOLLYWOOD HORNYYYYYYYY. Leaving behind her husband and kids to shoot I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!, Kendra Wilkinson, former girlfriend and wet nurse to Hugh Hefner, has been flirting with her co-star Jake Quickenden, a UK reality star who "loves a MILF every now and then." Nicholas Hoult's fleeting romance with Kristen Stewart has come to an end because Nick is still loves Jennifer Lawrence and Stewart can't get over Robert Pattinson.

Prince William gets a B+ on the "Boyfriend Report Card" for buying Kate Middleton flowers, which is basically like getting a B+ on a real report card for writing an essay on phoniness in Catcher in the Rye—low-level of difficulty and entirely predictable. Meanwhile, Evan Ross gets a B for sharing clothes with his wife Ashlee Simpson. Do you think he ever wears the "Punk" tank top from the "Pieces of Me" video? Kris Jenner is getting married to a gold digger, but the jokes on him because Kris Jenner is going to live forever. We end, of course, is self-love, the purest form of love, which sweet lil angel Demi Lovato is finally experiencing in spades.

From this week's cover story: Pregnant Khloé: Torn Between Two Men! Khloé Kardashian is pregnant with French Montana's baby, but is still in love with estranged husband Lamar Odom. >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( >:D >:( While French has been "spotted shopping for Khloé-style stilettos" and spending time with Khloé's fellow Kardashians, Khloé has been secretly pining for Lamar, and by "secretly pining," we really mean that she's refusing to go through with her divorce and has stated publicly, on her widely watched reality show, that "If I had it my way, I would still be married to Lamar." SECRETS INDEED. Of course, it's gotten even more complicated now that Khlo is knocked up with French's baby. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

Justin Bieber is "planning the ultimate gesture to win over his ex" Selena Gomez. Kidnapping? No! A proposal! After Miley Cyrus's 22nd birthday party where "some people even had cocaine and molly" (you think?), Maria Shriver is demanding that her son Patrick Schwarzenegger dump the pop star, but Patrick is all, "Nah, we're good." Excessively flaunting her wealth, Jaime King often splurges on Fiji water at ballet class, which I guess is the rich person equivalent of how we peasants snack on swamp mud while working in the fields. If that doesn't make sense, it's because the swamp mud snakes have gotten to my brain. Pregnant celebrities are PUTTING THEIR BODIES ON PARADE and Victoria's Secret model Lily Aldridge gives us the diet secrets to becoming an angel (die, become weightless, go to heaven).

Grade: A "Boyfriend Report Card" B+, or a real world C-

OK!

JENNA & CHANNING: BABY TO SAVE MARRIAGE

Stars are just like us: Miserable! Miley Cyrus' Instagram "reflects a laid-back attitude towards housework," i.e. she's stewing in her own filth. Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz's close friendship is on the rocks after Drew said that she doesn't think Cam's fiancé Benji Madden is "perfect" for her. Does Benji Madden smoke a fuck-ton of weed? Because I'm pretty sure that's the main requirement for being "perfect" for Cameron Diaz. Sources say that Sean Penn is looking for a way out of his relationship with Charlize Theron because he wants to "roam the world and live day to day." Meanwhile, Charlize thinks Sean is too moody (remember when he got "moody" and hit his ex-wife with a baseball bat?) and doesn't pay enough attention to her son—something her son can be eternally grateful for. Down under, Keith Urban has "put his boot down" and refused to let Nicole Kidman's grieving mother move in with them. WAY TO SHOW THAT WIDOW WHO'S BOSS.

Channing and Jenna Tatum's love story is a tale as old as time: "Two aspiring actors with a love of dance—and an electric chemistry—cast to play romantic leads in 2006's Step Up." (We've all been there!) Unfortunately, the pair has hit some speed bumps—Channing's career has flourished while Jenna's has floundered, he's away from home too much, Jenna feels like a single mom to their daughter and Channing won't stop flirting with his co-stars—so they're looking to fix things the reasonable way: couples counseling having another baby. "Jenna made him promise that if there were another baby on the way, Chan would be a more committed family man," says a source who's strangely not embarrassed to put the nickname "Chan" in print. Seems like a flawless plan.

In other makeups and breakups news, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson, the two members of One Direction voted "Most Likely to Be Fucking" by Tumblr, "barely speak anymore." And that's not the only update to 1D DRAM DOT COM: Zayn Malik is totally over the band and, according to sources, "making some questionable life choices." Also in discord: the judges of The Voice—Gwen Stefani is too self-conscious, Pharrell spends too long in his dressing room, Blake Shelton is a "stinkin' flirt" and Adam Levine has been exposed as chunky male thumb ring that's been posing as human!

Grade: C+, Step Up 2: The Broadsheets

Star

PREGNANT KATE: IT'S A GIRL!

In case Star's hysterical headline didn't tip you off, pregnant Kate Middleton is having a girl, but that's burying the lede because Kate Middleton IS ALSO A WITCH. An "insider" (pretty weird code word for that talking crow that follows her everywhere) says that "Kate teared up and said 'I knew it,' when she learned her baby's gender." Also, "Kate wasn't surprised by the news that she's expecting a girl." MOTHER'S INTUITION OR IS THERE WITCHERY AFOOT?! The baby, who shall be named Margaret, will have "a wardrobe to die for." Great, now there are sacrifices involved.

Reese Witherspoon was photographed drinking before noon (Fig. 1), which would probably make me more upset if I wasn't recreationally drunk on cough syrup right now (but since I am, I say YOUU GO ON REESE'S WITHERSPOONSSSS). Headline of the week: Hugh's Wife Jacks Up Her Face. SWIPE LEFT! Jon Gosselin is really into Tinder (Fig. 2). SWIPE LEEEEEFT! Jessica Chastain wants A RING (engagement, not Nuva) from her boyfriend and her boyfriend's like, "Pass." Star covered the racial politics of Halle Berry's ex Gabriel Aubry straightening their daughter's hair with surprising sensitivity (JKJKJKJKJK). Kathleen Turner doesn't look like she did 30 years ago and Star is recognizing that as normal ((JKJKJKJKJK).

Taylor Swift is WASTING AWAY says some rando who is neither her friend nor doctor. "Taylor Swift has always had the appetite of a sparrow, but ever since she moved to New York she's become fixated on her body image," says an insider. "She used to be a size zero, but she's dropped down to a sub-zero. Her frame looks so fragile these days." Um, please relax, Lena Dunham.

Grade: D. The shriveled up corpse Kate Middleton will leave behind in order to give her daughter a wardrobe to DIE FOR.

US Weekly

THEIR LAST CHRISTMAS

Pity the parents imprisoned for fraud! Teresa and Joe Giudice had one last emotional Thanksgiving before Tre gets sent off to the clink. Busted for conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud, bank fraud, making false statements on loan applications and bankruptcy fraud, Teresa will serve 15 months in prison, followed by her husband who will serve 41 months after her release. Despite the couple appearing as a united front, US reports that Teresa is reluctant to leave Joe alone with the kids and is on the look out for a "gay 'manny.'"

Once again, though, the real story here is between the lines. Milania Giudice—Teresa and Joe's second youngest daughter and Bravo's tiniest psycho—continues to hint at her future as America's most prolific serial killer by using Thanksgiving dinner to express gratitude that "Teresa's dad isn't dead yet" (a threat if I've ever heard one) and telling her parents that she wants a new pet for Christmas. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OLD PETS, MILANIA?! WHERE ARE THE OLD PETS?!

Reese's Witherspoonssss is actively trying to shed her image as America's Sweetheart by dancing at weddings and partying with Sofia Vergara. A lot of celebrities are intentionally forgetting their underoos (Fig. 3). Ooooh, Gabrielle Union whispers her secrets to the lizards who live in her yard. Bet they know a lot of unflattering stories about Kirsten Dunst from the set of Bring It On. ZZZZZ: Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka say their greatest collaboration is...their kids. Turns out that models and Taylor Swift stay in shape by going to a fitness class called ModelFit. Don't these idiots read Star? Taylor stays thin by having the appetite of a sparrow/snackin' on bird seed.

Grade: F. MILANIA IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

inTouch

KIM'S HUMILIATION: DIVORCE PAPERS AFTER 6 MONTHS

Eva Mendes says it's hard to be a baby, but as someone who just had to pay $25 dollars in processing fees to order a duvet cover from West Elm, I gotta say that adulthood is no cakewalk either. Susan Boyle is the "Winner of the Week" for getting her first boyfriend at 53 (Fig. 4) and, yes, inTouch— we hear the implied sarcasm there. This cat is too cool for school (Fig. 5). JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL: Teen Mom's Leah Messer-Calvert has turned to church to overcome her demons (although when your "demons" are a "pill addiction," normal rehab seems like a safer bet).

Janice Dickenson has offered to take a polygraph test to prove that she's telling the truth about allegedly being sexually assaulted by Bill Cosby and she challenges Bill Cosby to do the same. Seems highly unlikely that Cosby will do it, though. Sources claim that he'll instead "defend himself in an exclusive TV interview on a 'friendly platform' like the Today Show or the Late Show with David Letterman." It's hard to see a TV star you admire go through such bullshit (and yes, I'm talking about the beloved star of Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency).

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi's wedding was followed by "a lavish Great Gatsby themed reception," which makes me wonder if she understood the point of The Great Gatsby. So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into a cycle of Gym Tan Laundry.

The couple's reps deny it, but inTouch insists that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are headed for kivorce after Kanye blew of Kanksgiving dinner to fly to Paris. "Kim was furious he dumped her and North for the holiday and mortified that she had to show up at Khloé's alone...She's getting ready to file divorce papers," says a source (Khloé's non-existent unborn baby). Divorce comes with some major concerns, however: 1.) Kanye might want to take North to France, "which is Kim's worst nightmare" and 2.) Kanye might leak info about an alleged threesome he had with Kim and another famous woman several years ago, which she fears could damage her career. Based on Kim's Ray J-stained road to fame, I think she'll come out ahead of this.

Grade: D+. There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.

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inTouch

Life & Style

Life & Style

OK!

Under a 1982 ordinance, every household in Kennesaw, Georgia, is required to own a gun and ammunition, "in order to provide for and protect" the city's safety. It should probably be no surprise that the city's council recently voted—also in the name of some backwards idea of safety?— to ban a mosque from opening.

According NBC outlet 11 Alive, a local Muslim group petitioned Kennesaw's city council to be allowed to operate out of a small storefront space in a shopping center and was voted down 4-1 this week. According to the Daily Dot, the landlord had no problems with its prospective tenants, and the group had previously agreed to a list of conditions laid out by the city attorney including a limit on its lease and the number of worshippers who could congregate at one time.

Mayor Mark Matthews implied after a previous hearing last month that the city had an umbrella policy against allowing religious organizations to rent retail space, calling the vote "a purely technical hearing on the appropriate land use for a piece of property in the city of Kennesaw." But that isn't the case. As 11 Alive points out, Kennesaw's city council voted to allow a Christian church to rent a storefront in a shopping center just five months ago.

Citizens of Kennesaw who opposed the mosque made no such bones about their intentions. "They're training their kids how to do terrible things to Americans," the racist at the front of the photo below says during 11 Alive's video coverage. "And we're trying to stop it."

Kennesaw City Council rejects mosque proposal.

More: http://t.co/y0Xl0xw91p #AtlantaAlive pic.twitter.com/UBecyxJYgA

— 11Alive News (@11AliveNews) December 2, 2014

The four members who voted against the mosque reportedly did so without explaining their motives. Doug Dillard, the Muslim group's attorney, told 11 Alive the group may sue the city.

[Image via Wikipedia]

You'd think that smash hits like After Earth, The Smurfs 2, and That Other Spiderman Movie with Jamie Foxx in It would sell themselves. But with every Sony Pictures release comes a carefully tailored spin cycle—and if you look at the pitches, it's no wonder this studio is hurting.

The following slides are taken from a 34 gigabyte leak of internal Sony Pictures data, thrust out onto the internet by maybe-North-Korean-who-knows hackers, and obtained by Gawker. They have not been edited to look like dog shit, but were in fact designed this way by well-paid humans. That Sony Pictures is stumbling over itself financially pairs perfectly with the fact that its marketing team seems to have no idea how to market things, what people want, or what the word "theme" means.

There is the inane urge to categorize all artistic thought into bullet point-friendly "themes" that often reflect nothing about the actual movie:

"Men's Issues/Potty Humor"

Here are some keen findings for The Smurfs 2:

I think "food & man living in harmony" is the opposite of a Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs theme, but I am unfamiliar with the franchise at this point:

Some pointers surrounding After Earth, an embarrassing critical and commercial turd:

Maybe thinking of a movie as an "ecosystem of content and brand initiatives" is part of Sony's problem:

What?

Imagine typing this for a living:

More nouns:

Cool teens agree: "Smurf Fever" is contagious and "humor" is good:

Kids love memes:

ADHESIVES:

Ghosts 'n' goblins:

"Annie" is getting more consideration than the Bay of Pigs invasion:

The one interesting aspect of Elysium, which ended up sucking anyway, is exactly what Sony execs decided to downplay:

Anything vaguely political is seen as a liability across the board, even if integral to the plot of a film:

But at least, finally, Sony Pictures is determined that we find out why the Angry Birds are so angry:

I have no doubt the marketing materials at every other major studio are similarly moronic and clueless, but when your own employees are ashamed of the trash sandwiches you're distributing, this must sting more.

During a speech about a Staten Island grand jury's failure to indict NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo in the chokehold death of Eric Garner, Bill de Blasio shared a crushing personal anecdote: Even the mayor of New York has to have "the talk" with his black son about the interactions he'll have with police.

De Blasio said at a press conference this afternoon:

This is profoundly personal to me. I was at the White House the other day, and the president of the United States turned to me, and he met Dante a few months ago, and he said that Dante reminded him of what he looked like as a teenager. And he said I know you see this crisis through a very personal lens. And I said to him, I did.

Because Chirlane and I have had to talk to Dante for years about the dangers that he may face. A good young man, law-abiding young man who would never think to do anything wrong. And yet, because of a history that still hangs over us, the dangers he may face, we've had to literally train him—as families have all over this city for decades—in how to take special care in any encounter he has with the police officers who are there to protect him.

And that painful sense of contradiction that our young people see first, that our police are here to protect us, and we honor that, and at the same time, there's a history we have to overcome, because for so many of our young people, there's a fear. And for so many of our families, there's a fear.

So I've had to worry over the years. Chirlane's had to worry. Is Dante safe each night? There are so many families in this city who feel that each and every night. Is my child safe? And not just from some of the painful realities—crime and violence in some of our neighborhoods—but is safe from the very people they want to have faith in as their protectors.

That's the reality.

De Blasio also addressed #BlackLivesMatter:

It conforms to something bigger that you've heard come out in the protests in Ferguson and all over the country. This is now a national moment of grief, a national moment of pain and searching for a solution. And you've heard in so many places, people of all backgrounds utter the same basic phrase. They've said "Black lives matter." And they said it because it had to be said. It's a phrase that should never have to be said. It should be self-evident. But our history, sadly, requires us to say that black lives matter.

Tonight in front of Matt Lauer, Lady Gaga will ride Tony Bennett around like a pony while someone vomits on her, and that is your new Christmas. Merry Christmas! But that's not all that's going on tonight on TV:

AT 8/7c.

• The Arrow & The Flash Show has five bombs in it! Then, everyone is friends. They're like, "You're so super!" "No, it's you that's super."
• On Hell's Kitchen, one person gets kicked out before it's even time, and the food is also art, the better to amuse your ojos while they're amusing their bocas with some delicious amuse-bouches.
• On The Middle, Axl and Frankie finally run off together, then The Goldbergs go back to Back to the Future, just like when we were kids in the '80s.
• Do you like birds, but don't have time for the trifling ones? PBS gets it, so they're offering a one-hour special titled simply, Best Of: Birds. Paid for by audience members like you, who demand only the best.
• Survivor has a double episode. They have been surviving for one month, which is about 29 days longer than Utopia did. Heyooo.
• And the NBC Christmas in Rockefeller Center is only an hour long, but even with Matt Lauer, Al Roker, and the lighting of a Christmas tree, only Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett can really make it feel like an eternity.

AT 9/8c.

• On The 100, tension is at the usual 110, while Jasper and the other one slowly figure out the thing that has been obvious since the beginning of the season.
• LMN has a special called My Uncle Is the Green River Killer about a person with a dark family secret. Can you guess what it is because I'm stumped.
• Marvel's Hulk & The Agents of SMASH, which is a show I like but don't watch, has a special holiday episode with the Guardians of the Galaxy, which is why I'm mentioning it.
• Mob Wives starts its fifth season, which is surprising to me because Jersey Shore actually premiered five years ago and that's still blowing my mind. No other connection I'm trying to draw, just that Mob Wives seems like a very recent development, whereas I distinctly and impossibly remember another five-year-old show as though it were on in the '90s.
• Kristen Johnston brings her magic to Modern Family as a stressed-out coworker of Mitch's, while the Dunphys get worried that Alex's boyfriend is imaginary because who could ever love her, and then
• On Black-ish it's about morale, and also as usual about Tracee Ellis Ross making the most amazing faces on television, at every possible time.
• Red Band Society's tenth-of-thirteen episode was always meant to be a Fall finale, for whatever reason, but there's no reason to believe this is not the full-on end of the show, so, insert hospice joke here (except don't, because you're not a dick).

Same with Mulaney, although nobody has technically admitted it. And thank God because I was getting real sick of not being over the moon about that guy.

• Hey do you remember any moments from Oxygen's Preachers of LA? If so, check them against tonight's special clip reel to see if they're any of the Most Memorable, as defined by TPTB.
• Travel Channel has a special called "Penn Jillette's Street Cred" that therefore does not exist.
• Second part of the mammogram cliffhanger on Tyler Perry's For Better or Worse, so cross your fingers.
• Nat Geo Wild, which is easily the most x-treme network name you will ever hear, has another in its endless series of things where they bombastically pretend that animals are people even though they are not people: The network that brought you Lion Gangland (lions do not form gangs or cliques), Tiger's Revenge (tigers have no beef but that which is for dinner), Future Cat (how do you even know), Secret Life of Cats (cats don't "have" secrets, they are made of secrets), and Kingdom of the Apes: Clash of Kings and the sequel, Brother Against Brother (apes do not have kingdoms, kings, or the concept of fraternal rivalry as we understand them) now produces Tiger Wars, in which tigers have an imaginary war. It's so wild, so geo. So Nat Geo Wild.

AT 10/9c.

• On American Horror Story: Freak Show it's a "Blood Bath," but probably a literal one, because that is how this show goes. What is even happening on that show? The last thing I remember Finn Wittrock was doing pushups in his underwear for no reason. That was great! Great show.
• Nashville has Rayna and Luke singing that fun traditional rape ballad "Baby It's Cold Outside," giving those of us really invested in their relationship some thinking to do, and Scarlett's pet hobo goes off the rails, which literally no one could have predicted.
• Hot In Cleveland is titled "Tazed & Confused," which I admit made me laugh.
• TruTV, a channel nobody knows if it is real, premieres a new show tonight that can really just go fuck itself:

It's "Queens vs. Queens" in this episode, as the owner of a local dive bar in Queens, NY goes up against the owner of a Manhattan gay bar complete with performing drag queens. Detail-oriented Anthony rules his bar, the FairyTail Lounge, with an iron fist, giving orders from his bar stool "throne," while motorcycle-riding Mike of The Attic Lounge, is more about bringing in the bucks with a rowdy set of bartenders. Will it turn out happily ever after?

• South Park finally tosses the boys over the generational shark as Kyle decides to bitch about the kindergartners and their darn selfies; followed by "Sex Addict Wendell" and other sketches on Key & Peele.
• People are getting stalked left and right on Stalker, a show about the stalkings.
• Top Chef goes to war, but not with tigers. Just between chefs. Internecine conflict.
• Most of all, "Rico Suave" himself, Gerardo Sinapellido Mejia, has brought his aging abs to VH1 for a startling ten episodes in a show called Suave Says, in which he says things. Kinda dire:

Gerardo Mejia, who transitioned into a career as a powerful music executive and a lay pastor, married a beauty queen and started a family. Now the former heartthrob is teaming up with VH1 as he passes the music torch to his children and manages a loco home life with "hot mom" wife Kathy, rapping son Jaden, and daughters Bianca, a fashionista, and Nadia, an aspiring singer and "Miss Malibu" title-holder. Rounding out the hectic Mejia household is Gerado's mom, Mama Mejia.

So that sounds good, huh? I love cosas locas and this seems full of 'em. But I know what you're thinking: How tight he keep it? Well that depends on if you thought he was weird looking in the first place, but I will say that he still has muscles on his body, and the hair is gone if it was really ever there at all, so if either of those were what mattered to you, now you know either way.

• Then at 11/10c. Rachael Ray and Jenna Bush Hager join a special Watch What Happens: Live that I will not be Watching, Live or otherwise, because I don't give shit What Happens, but I do know that tomorrow is Amy Sedaris and Deepak Chopra, okay, so why can't it just be tomorrow.
• At 12:30, The Heart, She Holler is called "Klansgender Rights," so maybe this should be the end of The Heart, She Holler, after this season. Kind of feel like you've gone everywhere you needed to go, at this point.
• And tomorrow night is Peter Pan Live. Deal with it.

Morning After is a loco home for television discussion and appreciation, brought to you by "hot mom" wife Gawker dot com. What are you watching this weekend? What are we missing out on? Recommendations and discussions down below.

Super Typhoon Hagupit is raging in the western Pacific Ocean at this hour with winds around 150 MPH. The Joint Typhoon Warning Center predicts that Hagupit could have 185 MPH winds when it comes perilously close to making landfall in the Philippines over the weekend.http://thevane.gawker.com/what-is-the-di...

Hagupit, locally known as "Typhoon Ruby," took advantage of low wind shear, warm waters, and ample atmospheric moisture in order to grow into a super typhoon, which is the equivalent of a category four or five on the Saffir-Simpson Scale used in the United States. There is a bit of anxiety about the track, as some forecasters are unsure whether the storm will make a direct landfall on the Philippines or approach the island nation, skirt the coast, and move towards mainland Asia.

Currently, the Joint Typhoon Warning Center, the tropical cyclone forecasting branch of the United States Navy, is the only forecasting outlet that predicts Hagupit to curve away from the Philippines. Four other top-level agencies—Japan's Japan Meteorological Administration, China's National Meteorological Center, Taiwan's Central Weather Bureau, and South Korea's Korea Meteorological Administration—all expect the super typhoon to strike the country late Saturday or early Sunday.

This morning's run of the European model shows the system weakening as it makes a direct hit on the island nation, but moving very, very slowly as it comes ashore. This afternoon's run of the GFS (American global) model follows the JTWC's forecast track, but a little closer to shore. Either way, the storm slowing down as it approaches the country could have lethal impacts, prolonging the intense wind, rain, and surge that are slated to affect areas closest to Hagupit's center.

44 provinces on Luzon, Visayas, and Mindinao area under "Alert Level 'C'" in anticipation of Hagupit's arrival, according to The Philippine Star, meaning that heavy damage to agriculture, infrastructure, and buildings is expected.

In November 2013, the Philippines was most notably impacted by Super Typhoon Haiyan (locally called "Yolanda"), one of the strongest tropical cyclones ever recorded. The storm—initially feared to have killed more than 10,000 people—created unfathomable destruction as it tore through the central part of the southeast Asian country. The destruction was especially intense around Tacloban City, an urban area with nearly a quarter million residents that sits at the top of a funnel-shaped bay. The storm's surge piled into the narrow bay, resulting in a 20-foot storm surge that, along with the intense winds, wiped out 80% of the city's buildings.

[Images: NOAA, Typhoon2000]

You can follow the author on Twitter or send him an email.

Thousands of Eric Garner protestors descended on midtown Manhattan Wednesday night, blocking streets and standing off with police while just a few blocks away, a star-studded lineup of celebrities blithely sang Christmas carols for an NBC broadcast.

As they moved through Manhattan, protestors chanted both the Ferguson rally, "Hands up don't shoot," and "I can't breathe"—one of the last things Garner said before dying in NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo's chokehold this summer.

https://t.co/tQFLHLNZNs

— Amanda M. Sakuma (@iamsakuma) December 3, 2014

Some protestors staged "die-ins" at Grand Central station and, later, on the street in midtown.

Die-in at #GrandCentral #EricGarner pic.twitter.com/xU28xYKzkd

— Tony Aiello (@AielloTV) December 3, 2014

Laying down in the street #EricGarner https://t.co/n3vx9gTdmo

— Jinx (@Jersey_Jinx) December 4, 2014

By evening, thousands of people had joined the protest. Just a few blocks away at Rockefeller Center the star-studded broadcast continued on as planned, with no mention of the demonstration.

Alternating chants of "I can't breathe!" and "fuck your tree!" 47th and 6th pic.twitter.com/2YRGMxiPou

— Evan McMurry (@evanmcmurry) December 4, 2014

Demonstrators at NYC's Radio City Music Hall protest grand jury decision in Eric Garner case. pic.twitter.com/86uY2YLnZj

— ABC News (@ABC) December 3, 2014

NYPD forms a line with kettling net on 5th Avenue and 46th Street. Looking north. (Photo: @aymanndotcom) pic.twitter.com/C1IfqeEb1C

— ANIMALNewYork (@ANIMALNewYork) December 3, 2014

The mob scene at 50th and Madison. naNearly impassable. https://t.co/GyDcmNZqcp

— Ryan Gorman (@GormoJourno) December 4, 2014

Update 7:45 p.m.

According to reports, police have arrested dozens of protestors.

At least 3 women arrested at 6th and 47th. #ericgarner pic.twitter.com/59xxAC8iF9

— Ivan Pereira (@IvanPer4) December 3, 2014

Arrests going down at 47th and 6th Avenue. Massive standoff between police and protesters. pic.twitter.com/b9Xcgqhuzo

— ANIMALNewYork (@ANIMALNewYork) December 4, 2014

[image via AP]

The deep trove of documents stolen from Sony Pictures Entertainment has taught us that Sony employees revile Adam Sandler and make very sad Powerpoints. Now, a confidential 2011 end-of-year presentation from SPE CFO David Hendler further shows how the company views itself, and how its employees view the company.

For instance, in 2005 Sony Pictures had the worst year in the company's history. Here, according to Hendler, are the movies to blame:

If you don't remember any of these movies it's because they all were terrible—and, from Sony's perspective, lost tons of money or barely made any at all. (Zatuhra, by the way, is a very real movie that Sony poured $60-plus million into, and there's no way you have any recollection of it. But it did star Josh Hutcherson and Kristen Stewart, just before anyone cared about them.)

Hendler didn't really like Sony's 2010 crop of movies either.

David Hendler is, at the very least, an honest critic. All of those movies suck.

The presentation then moved onto a survey of the SPE finance department designed to measure morale. SPE finance employees have two main gripes with their company: they don't get enough "rewards" and the company is not innovative enough. The latter one seems like a problem.

The survey also found that SPE finance employees all hate their jobs until they've been at Sony for over 20 years and are probably millionaires.

As you can see, the "My Job and Career" portion of the survey gets negative scores from every group except the employees that have been at SPE at least two decades. You'll also notice that all SPE finance employees hate their bosses regardless of how long they have worked there.

Here you can see how much SPE pollutes the earth:

And, finally, Hendler went over the company's finances.

As of 2011, SPE was projecting $8.5 billion in revenue and $365 million in earnings in 2012, with both those numbers steadily rising over the subsequent four years. You may not be shocked to learn that these numbers proved to be wildly optimistic: by October of last year, many of these projections were slashed. The 2013-2014 year, in particular, was going to be particularly tough for SPE in part because the Channing Tatum/Jamie Foxx film White House Down fell flat at the box office.

Now, of course, Sony has many other things to worry about.

Previously in Sony Pictures Entertainment hacking:http://gawker.com/sony-hack-reve...http://gawker.com/sonys-embarras...

Literarily famous emotion-haver and interior decorator Ayelet Waldman got mad this week at the news that the novel she'd published this year, Love & Treasure, had failed to make the New York Times Book Review's list of 100 notable books of 2014.

OK, so. Obviously this is very jarring to an author, to see a big long list of books—MANY books—on which one's own book has not been included.

But the true and terrible thing is: One hundred books is not so many books! Waldman is not fond of math, but let's do some arithmetic: The New York Times Book Review publishes weekly. There are 52 weeks in a year. So that means that fewer than two books a week—from the population of books that have been reviewed in the Book Review (agent, on phone: Great news! You're in the Book Review!)—make the cut.

And half of those 100 Notable Books are nonfiction, which leaves only 50 slots for novels and short stories and poetry combined. So we're down to less than one novel a week.

This can be hideously depressing, if you write books. If you write one book, even. At some point in the process—after filing a first draft, maybe, or while awaiting page proofs—an author walks into a bookstore and looks around at the sheer number of other books there: book after book after book, on table after table, shelf after shelf. And the same abundance that may previously have been inspiring becomes horrifying; the author senses very acutely what it means to be one grain of sand on a very large beach.

This realization is in every way at odds with the self-regard required to put together a string of plus or minus 100,000 words, packaged and shipped as merchandise for sale to the general public. It is not really healthy or feasible to maintain an accurate understanding one's own book's place in the world of publishing.

But it's probably wise to keep one's personal, unrealistic map of the literary landscape private. Here are some other books that were not notable, according to the New York Times Book Review: Age of Ambition: Chasing Fortune, Truth, and Faith in the New China, by Evan Osnos, the National Book Award winner for nonfiction. National Book Award fiction finalists An Unnecessary Woman, by Rabih Alameddine and Station Eleven, by Emily St. John Mandel. Novels by Jane Smiley and Elizabeth McCracken.

And so Waldman urges readers to buy her book, tacking on a charitable excuse:

Well, if we're prizing honest self-expression, Waldman ought to lay off the smarm—take heed that ye do not your alms before men, etc.—and put her mouth where her mouth is. Don't just tell us you're better, tell us whom you're better than! Who gets bumped from the list, because Ayelet Waldman produced superior work? Francine Prose? Haruki Murakami? Karl Ove Knausgaard? Lorrie Moore? Should Louise Glück or Patricia Lockwood get their poetry out of there to make way for Love & Treasure? How's the Times going to fix its act if you won't tell it where it went wrong?

[Photo via Getty]

UPDATE: Waldman has deleted the majority of the tweets and written a Facebook post vowing to "think before I vent."

America's primary anti-ship missile, the Harpoon, has been in service now for close to 40 years and the Navy has been very reluctant to evolve when it comes to its anti-ship capabilities. Times are changing, with China's Navy on the rise and Russia flexing its muscle, the Cold War staple just won't do. Enter Lockheed's ninja-like Long Range Anti-Ship Missile to save the day.

The Harpoon was once the 'gold standard' of anti-ship cruise missiles, but its subsonic flight profile, limited range, less than stealthy design, and relatively simple targeting and navigation methodology have left it as almost an afterthought in the Navy's quiver. Sure, it is still able to strike ships at sea, but its ability to safely do so against an advanced foe with anti-access capabilities and advanced defenses is highly questionable. Lockheed's LRASM program began in 2009 in hopes of righting this wrong and was originally part of a two-pronged anti-ship missile procurement concept.

This two-prong next generation anti-ship missile approach saw the development of the LRASM-A, the subsonic, low-flying and stealthy weapon that is still in development today. The other was the LRASM-B, a high-altitude supersonic, ramjet powered anti-ship missile, similar to the Russian Brahmos supersonic anti-ship missile. LRASM-B was cancelled in 2012 under tightening defense budgets, with DARPA focusing on the lower risk and more pressing LRASM-A concept.

LRASM is a cousin of Lockheed's stealthy JASSM cruise missile and is aiming to replace and expand the mission of both the AGM-84 aircraft-launched and RGM-84 ship-launched Harpoon. The video below depicts generally how LRASM works and some of the capabilities it brings to the table. In it you will see its most prominent feature is that it will "intelligently" sense and avoid hostile threats via an on-board passive radio frequency and threat warning receiver. Additionally, LRASM is equipped with an on-board data-link, advanced artificial intelligence software, low probability of intercept radar, imaging infrared sensor and an inertial navigation system with embedded GPS. All of this is tied to the sneaky missile's autopilot and cutting-edge computing core.

Basically, this stealthy missile will have enough AI on-board to survive via the automatic dissemination of high-quality electronic service measure (ESM)/radar warning receiver data. In other words, it sniffs out the enemy's electronic emissions (especially radar emissions) classifies them, geolocates them, and then figures out its own a route of best survival, or it decides to attack one of these threats directly.

In addition to LRASM's own electronic 'sniffing' abilities, high fidelity off-board data can be sent to it via data-link from external sensors. This means and aircraft like the P-8 Poseidon, E/A-18G Growler, MQ-4C Triton or EP-3 Aeries or AEGIS cruisers and destroyers can help build a real-time 'picture' of the enemy's electronic order of battle, so that the missile has a very high chance of making to its target area alive.

Not only can LRASM avoid threats in order to sneak into an enemy's naval operating area alone, but it can also work with other LRASMs to infiltrate and prosecute an attack cooperatively, as a swarm. In fact, working with other LRASM missiles would most likely make their attack that much more potent, as they could use their threat emission detection and geolocating capabilities together, communicating among themselves in real-time. Such a tactic would provide a much higher resolution picture of exactly where the bad guys' threatening emissions are coming from via triangulation. Keep in mind this is all done passively, minus short transmissions via low-power data-link, so LRASM would remain almost totally emissions silent.

LRASM can also search for its own target autonomously, hundreds of miles away from its launch point. It does this using its primary active sensor, its radar, and its passive sensors, such as its imaging infrared and its aforementioned radio frequency listening and threat warning (electronic service measures) sensors. Once it is in an area where enemies may be operating, or if it 'sniffed' an enemy radar belonging to a ship it was programmed to attack, it would activate its radar, sweeping the area quickly while hopping frequencies in order to remain undetected. It could also have a 'radar picture' sent to it from virtually any aircraft or ship via data-link, allowing it keep its radar in standby mode, thus giving the enemy one less chance of detecting it. The missile's networking abilities, via its data-link allow the missile to maintain total emission silence all the way through its terminal attack if external targeting data is available.

If that data is not available, and LRASM uses its own radar, once LRASM picked up a radar return that matches that of an enemy ship in its memory banks full of 3D targeting models, it would begin prosecuting its attack, planning a route based on the threats in the area and its target's unique defenses. Once within range of its infrared sensor's view, it would use both it and its radar to pick the part of the targeted ship that is most vulnerable to strike. Then it would drop just feet above the water, possibly with its radar turned off (as long as its IR picture stayed consistent) and it would make its final, highly tailored attack run at the enemy ship.

Although other emerging cruise missiles systems , such as the Block IV Tactical Tomahawk, have similar enemy radar sensing and evading capabilities, with its very small radar cross-section, a low infrared signature, and having nearly no radio frequency emissions for the enemy to detect in certain modes, LRASM makes for a very tough target to detect and engage engage. This is especially true as it barrels towards a ship's most vulnerable area at nearly the speed of sound, just above the ocean chop. Seconds later it would crash through the ship's outer hull and detonate its 1,000lb payload of high explosives.

Game over for the bad guys.

The missile's stealthy shape and skin, along with its reduced infrared signature and a low probability of intercept (LPI) active sensors and its ability to attack on passive sensors and off-board information alone, makes it a very hard target for enemy defensive systems to sense and successfully engage it. In addition to LRASM's already hard to detect attributes, there are some rumors that eventually some cruise missiles, LRASM included, could work as escort jammers for other similar, albeit warhead packing cruise missiles, or other LRASMs in this case, thus providing electronic screening for a LRASM swarm attack.

This tactic is already evolving via the miniature air-launched decoy (MALD) program and has been implemented more primitively via the use of target drones packed with chaff and jammers during the opening stages of both wars in Iraq. LRASM paired with expendable escort jamming LRASMs would really make the enemy's life hell and would bring a whole new element to the global anti-ship missile race.

Think of the LRASM as the ninja of anti-ship cruise missiles missiles. It relies on stealth, intelligence, guile, avoidance, silent communication and keen observation to win the day, not brute force or high-speed alone.

LRASM is currently planned to be integrated on both aircraft, such as the Super Hornet and even the USAF's B-1B bomber, and on U.S. Navy surface combatants. Unlike its ship-borne Harpoon ancestor that required its own unstealthy tube launchers, it can be launched via the Navy's flush mounted Vertical Launch Systems. In fact, compatibility with LRASM, VLS and a booster rocket have already been proven during live-fire tests (see video above).

Not only is LRASM much more survivable than Harpoon, but it also boasts double the warhead size and at least three and a half times more range. Although details are limited, LRASM is thought to have a range of at least 200 miles, but that could be extended much longer, approaching 1,000 miles, depending on the configuration and the flight profile. For instance, if its warhead were reduced in size and weight, that extra capacity could be used for more fuel. This makes this new stealthy cruise missile ideal for breaking down an enemy's naval-based anti-access capabilities from outside their sensors' ability to detect and engage the LRASM launch platform itself.

The LRASM missile seems almost perfectly suited for the DDG-1000 Zumwalt Class stealthy destroyers, the first of which will soon be underway for sea trials. These super high-tech destroyers will almost certainly operate closer to the enemy's territory than any other U.S. Navy surface combatant. A 'broadside' of LRASMs, launched while a Zumwalt Class destroyer, still outside the edge of the enemy's detection capabilities, could result in a devastating blow to an enemy's fleet. With this in mind, it is almost without a doubt that LRASM will also be adapted to strike land based targets, just as the Harpoon evolved into the SLAM and SLAM-ER standoff land attack missiles. This would give the Zumwalt Class the stealthy punch its design calls for, something the current BGM-109 Tomahawk tactical land attack missile (TLAM) cannot offer.

As mentioned earlier, reducing LRASM's warhead size could increase the missile's range to close to 1,000 miles, which could be a very logical move considering China's anti-access technologies, including the DF-21D anti-ship ballistic missile. A single DDG-1000 could ripple off up to 80 land-attack modified LRASMs in a single volley while still remaining outside of China's core threat envelope. Such a capability could do wonders for taking out China's coastal air defenses and over-the-horizon radars used for target ships far out at sea.

This scenario also highlights the possibility of a submarine launched ground attack variant of LRASM, as a single Ohio Class SSGN could theoretically volley 154 of these missiles much closer to shore than even the DDG-1000 could manage.

Lockheed's LRASM, which has already gone through multiple realistic live-fire tests, did have some stiff competition leading up to its selection for the first part of a two tier competition that will see a new anti-ship missile fielded in mass. Raytheon in particular claimed that their JSOW-ER missile system was cheaper and roughly as effective as Lockheed's LRASM. Even after a formal protest, and at the request of DARPA, an order for an initial batch of 90 LRASM was initiated. This is some reflection of just how dire the situation has become with the Navy's aging anti-ship missile capabilities in regards to China's rise and Russia's military reemergence on the world stage.

The final winner of the Offensive Anti-Surface Warfare (OASuW)/Increment 2 selection will come in the next few years, but seeing a so much risk reduction work has been done on LRASM, and an initial order has already been made, it is clearly a favorite to win. These new missiles would be fielded in mass by the mid-2020s.

In many ways, the U.S. military has led the world in weapons platforms, but has strangely lacked at times when it comes to revamping their 'expendable' weapons used by these leading weapons platforms. We saw this with the fielding of the AIM-9X decades after Russian fighters were outfitted with a high-off bore-sight short range air-to-air missile, the slow evolution of the AIM-120 AMRAAM, a weapon that has a range less than the modern fighters that fire it can see, and the looming mismatch between the non-stealthy Tomahawk cruise missile and the Navy's new stealthy ships that will be forced to launch it. Yet nowhere has the Navy dropped the ball more than with the Harpoon and the anti-shipping realm.

Harpoon has served with 29 nations, both friends and friends turned enemies alike. Sure it has seen some upgrades, but it is probably one of the best understood American weapons by our potential naval foes around the world. Meanwhile, Russia continues to grow and evolve its anti-ship missile slinging armada, which is has always seen as a major counter to US carrier groups. With this, along with China's anti-access capability buildup, in mind, the Navy really needed LRASM like yesterday.

Although LRASM-A is truly an exciting and clearly capable new anti-ship technology, it is too bad that the LRASM-B, the supersonic ramjet powered ship killer brother of the LRASM-A, was cancelled, as dealing with both threats at the same time would most likely equal nearly certain death for enemy flotillas. Regardless of this fact, with LRASM-A, for the first time in decades America's naval foes around the globe may have an anti-ship missile to really fear. It may not be the fastest or the biggest, but it certainly is the smartest and stealthiest.

Tyler Rogoway is a defense journalist and photographer who maintains the website Foxtrot Alpha for Jalopnik.com You can reach Tyler with story ideas or direct comments regarding this or any other defense topic via the email address Tyler@Jalopnik.com