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Misconnected: A Personal History of Voicemail

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Misconnected: A Personal History of Voicemail

I once played phone tag with a heartbroken stranger. She had the wrong number. She'd call late at night while I was sleeping, I'd miss the call, and she'd be greeted by the grandmotherly voice of AT&T's Pat Fleet, who I let be my generic voicemail message. The woman would leave long messages. I'd try to call back, only to encounter an endless series of rings, never to be picked up. This continued for three weeks. I briefly wondered if she was a ghost.

Her messages usually went something like this: She'd say that she was sorry, that she could change. That she had run out of minutes on her phone, and couldn't be reached at her old number. She'd pause to sob, then promise to call back later, if I would please pick up. Sometimes a child cried in the background.

This was back in 2007. The whole experience now feels extremely dated. Since then, we've experienced a disorienting technological leap. This was a few months before smartphones invaded our lives, essentially rendering voicemail and various other technologies obsolete. Seven years ago, it was still possible to miss someone on the phone.

At the time, I was sharing an apartment in the East Village with a trust-fund kid from the Midwest. I split a room with a guy who was on the reality show Laguna Beach. The latter was an uncomfortable arrangement—only furniture divided our tiny shared space—so I slept with my phone on silent to avoid bothering him. The morning I received the first voicemail, it had a 4 a.m. time-stamp.

I listened to the message and called back. After a minute without an answer, I closed my phone, and quickly forgot about it.

Another message came the next day, from a new number. Again, when I called back, nobody answered. I recorded this one, to send to a friend. It's now the only proof that any of this ever happened.

After getting another message from yet another new number, I called back and this time reached the front desk of a chain motel in Baltimore. I could hear the hum of traffic in the background. I tried to explain the situation to the clerk.

"Someone in your hotel keeps calling me, and they have the wrong number."

"Okay…?" the clerk said.

"Could you patch me through?" I was watching a lot of film noir at the time, and figured it was a good opportunity to use some grizzled, private-eye slang.

The clerk responded automatically, as if reciting lines from a warbly workplace-training VHS tape: "Unfortunately, sir, we are unable to divulge any information regarding our guests. If you would like to leave a message, we would be happy to leave it with them."

"Can you just tell her she has the wrong number?"

"Sure thing. What's the name of the guest?"

"I don't know. She sounds middle-aged, and I think has a kid with her," I said. "And she's sad."

"Gonna need a name or I can't help you."

He refused to make an exception, and I hung up, frustrated.

The messages kept arriving. I thought about making a custom voicemail greeting, making it explicit whose voicemail inbox she was reaching. But by this point I was curious about what happened. I had recently gone through a breakup, which occurred mostly through the exchange of furious voicemail messages. Maybe, once we made contact, we could share a cheesy Hollywood moment, bonding over a great distance about our romantic troubles, and the absurd deficiencies of modern communication.

The following week she called twice more. Based on the changing area codes, she was traveling south.


In his 2002 obituary in the New York Times, VMX founder Gordon Matthews is credited for inventing corporate voicemail. But the true history of voicemail is much more complicated than that, and can't really be traced to a single person. It was a combination of similar ideas implemented via slightly different proprietary technologies at roughly the same time by competing corporations and entrepreneurs.

In addition to Televoice International, which first trademarked "voicemail" in 1980, there were dozens of companies trying to dominate the market in the '70s and '80s. Some went bankrupt, others merged or were bought out. Many went by three letter initialisms: IBM, VRI, DEC, BBL, AVT, ITI, VMX, and AT&T.

Besides Matthews, there's one other guy who could take a fair amount of credit for inventing voicemail, though he's relatively unknown: A Thunderbird-driving, blues-rock saxophonist, and laser expert in Florida named Robin Elkins.

Elkins is a perpetual tinkerer, a Steve Wozniak-type. In addition to being a multi-instrumentalist and releasing several albums, most under a band called Swyambu, he developed a musical instrument called the NIM (New Instrument For Music), which according to him is an "omniphonic" keyboard that has a "Crystal Controlled Oscillator Time Base," keys that light up when you touch them, and built-in artificial intelligence.

"That is half of the system," he elaborates. "The 'other half' is a Complex Sound Generation Module (synthesizer) that makes an enormous variety (limitless) adjustments of the internal complex sound generators." He finally completed it in 2000, after over 20 years of work. He recored one album using the NIM called "XERON: Instructions from Xeron." He told me he is developing a new version, called the NIMAIRE, which is controlled by a windpipe, though it's currently on hold due to lack of funding.

In the 1976, Elkins invented what became an important backbone to voicemail—a digital/analog storage technology—while trying to figure out a better way to record his music. After telecomm companies used his invention without permission, he sued pretty much all of them—he estimates as many as 12, including IBM, Sony, and AT&T. He ultimately settled after over decade of legal battles, and licensed out his patent.

After the lawsuits ended, Elkins started making lasers, and continues to do so as a government contractor. He signs all of his emails "LASEROB !!"


While colloquially voicemail is essentially the same as the answering machine—a recording device that stores messages after a missed call—there is a slight distinction. Voicemail is a remote service that stores messages in a distant location, which you can access anywhere, while answering machine messages are stored and accessed locally.

For most of its existence, voicemail was mostly used by offices, and answering machines were predominantly used in homes. Once cellphones took over, so too did voicemail. You can see this in the below Google Ngram search—it shoots up in the early '90s, before it starts dropping off in the mid-'00s:

Misconnected: A Personal History of Voicemail

It's the same story in television and film, according to Bookworm.

Misconnected: A Personal History of Voicemail

Voicemail has been on the decline for a few years now. Tech journalists are circling like vultures. Think pieces musing about its demise have appeared yearly since about 2009. Most of them beat the same drum: Declining usage statistics! Inconvenience! Texting! Millennials!

An Abridged Timeline of Pieces About The Decline Of Voicemail

2009

"You've Got Voice Mail, but Do You Care?" - New York Times

"You Have No New Messages—Ever. It's time voice mail threw in the towel." - Slate

"Do You Still Use Voicemail?" - Gizmodo

"Muerte al voice mail" - PopMatters

"Is voicemail obsolete?" - PC World

2010

"Will Carriers Offer A Better Way To Get Voice Mail?" - New York Times

2012

"Who still listens to their messages? Phone carrier reveals the death of voicemail." - Daily Mail

"Voice mail in decline with rise of text, loss of patience" - USA Today

2013

"Time to Hang Up on Voice Mail" - Harvard Business Review

"Disruptions: Digital Era Redefining Etiquette" - Bits Blog / New York Times

"Modern Voicemail Etiquette: Don't Leave Me A Voicemail Unless You're Dying" - Gawker

"Are you still checking voice mail?" - CBS News

2014

"At the Tone, Leave a What? Millennials Shy Away from Voice Mail" - New York Times

"You're Wrong About Voicemail" - Gizmodo

"Please Do Not Leave A Message: Why Millennials Hate Voice Mail" - NPR

"Is voicemail over?" - The Daily Dot

"Misconnected: A Personal History of Voicemail" - Gawker

2015 - ????

There's a deep, popular hatred for voicemail. We cast unwanted calls off to a digital Siberia with phrases like "Let it go to voicemail." There's an entire TV Tropes listing for "Voicemail Confusion." In music, messages are used to establish a somber mood. Mostly, though, people just really hate using it.

This seems justified. Voicemail is pretty shoddy. Messages are brief and awkwardly improvised, littered with pauses and ums and ahs. The sound quality is poor and peppered with static, as if the caller is a time traveler at a remote military base in Antarctica. People usually speak too fast, forcing the listener to replay the recordings over and over, struggling to jot down pertinent information. In some cases, the messages are automatically deleted, usually after 14 days, so they have an ephemeral quality. Their limited length and impermanence makes them an almost useless conveyance for meaningful information. Messages are urgent, empty, and doomed.

My own inbox features six messages from my gruff former landlord in Brooklyn; thirteen from student loan debt collectors, usually from South Dakota, who all add an extra syllable to my last name and ominously want to discuss my "options"; one from my mother, with news of my grandmother's passing; and five long, empty accidental calls from an ex-girlfriend's broken flip phone that sound like unreleased John Cage compositions (titles include "Purse Interior Shuffling Noises" and "Someone's A-Yellin' On The Bus"). The latter became an inside joke: "Your butt called again. It seems to be doing well."

The true nature of a technology often reveals itself once the initial glow of its optimistic potential fades after years of dull utility. This usually occurs during its decline, after it's replaced by something else that's shiny and new. Ultimately, voicemail's purpose appears to be as a receptacle for casual despair. For bad news that requires a slightly personal touch.


That's what I concluded, until one night, while spelunking into the depths of YouTube, I discovered a video someone uploaded of their old answering machine playing back messages. The footage was shaky, shot by a man alone at his cluttered work bench, recording a recording of a moment distant in time, of two squeaky, loving voices.

Digging deeper, I found a bunch of similar videos, all uploaded by disparate people, either to backup meaningful messages on a piece of old tech before they trashed it, or to share with the world a bit of weird found footage they dug up from thrift store.

A lot of the recordings are charming—like this one, from a guy's irritated 5-year-old daughter. But most are really odd. There are two guys talking about a fish in the '80s; one guy playing back 49 messages consecutively while repeatedly saying "this is so stupid"; an alleged ghost playing a glitchy organ; and a guy repeatedly chanting "dolls, dolls, dolls." One even stars Weird Al.

The messages are haunting and funny and alive. They made me realize that perhaps voicemail is only crappy because we're using it wrong. Its intended, marketed use—as an accessory to the telephone—never let it realize its true archival and communicative potential. We only ever saw occasional glimmers of how fun or emotionally resonant it could be, as you can read in Leslie Horn's recent Gizmodo piece, about the voicemails from her father she saved on her phone after he died.

Voicemail allows us to send a bitesized ephemeral clip of audio straight into another person's pocket. It's not too different from SnapChat, if you think about it, but in ways much more intimate. Elkins's original patent, after all, calls it simply an "audio storage and distribution system." Maybe the "decline of voicemail" is really just a decline of a specific use for it, catching a missed or ignored call. And, instead of disappearing—the software vaporizing as operating systems inevitably change, the hardware bulldozed into an enormous pile in Agbogbloshie to forever poison the soil—it will live on in some other form.


Three weeks after the heartbroken woman's first call, I was up late studying in my room alone, when my phone lit up with an unrecognized number and hummed across my desk. It pulled itself along with its own vibrations like an over-caffeinated worm. I grabbed it before it crawled off the edge. It was her.

"Hello?" I answered. My unfamiliar voice threw her off.

"Who's this?"

"I… uh… I think you have the wrong number."

She sighed. I imagine she thought about all of her previous messages, the fact that her ex had received none of them, and about all of the time and emotional energy wasted. Her embarrassment was palpable. I felt incredibly guilty.

I had so many questions I wanted to ask, but she sounded so crushed, and I realized how unfair I'd been to her by not trying harder to contact her. I wasn't sure what to say.

"Are you okay?"

There was a long silence.

"I'm fine," she said, hanging up.

Joe Veix is a writer based in San Francisco.

[Top photo via Shutterstock]


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Joaquin Phoenix Still Weird, Announces Hoax Engagement on Letterman

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Joaquin Phoenix told an elaborate story about yoga last night on the Late Show, wildly acting out a position called "harnessing the hog," which apparently involved his instructor cradling his man-bits with a strap. The punchline: They started dating and are now engaged.

Not really, though.

"It was a joke," Phoenix's publicist told the Independent, "Joaquin has an extraordinary and spontaneous sense of humor, but it is not true."

And just when you thought you could trust anything Joaquin Phoenix says on a late-night show, too! (No one actually thought this.)

Sadly (fortunately?), harnessing the hog doesn't even appear to be a real yoga position, which means Joaquin Phoenix's hog remains unharnessed in more ways than one. Namaste, dudes and ladies who love aggressively quirky Hollywood weirdos.

[H/T NYMag]

Amazon Workers Will Not Be Paid For All Their Time at Work

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Amazon Workers Will Not Be Paid For All Their Time at Work

The Supreme Court has ruled that Amazon warehouse workers are not entitled to be paid for the time they spend standing in line waiting for company security guards to make sure they did not steal anything.

The ruling was unanimous. It means that workers are forced to spend an extra half hour per day at work for no pay. Reuters reports that "Justice Clarence Thomas wrote on behalf of the court that the screening process is not a 'principal activity' of the workers' jobs under a law called the Fair Labor Standards Act and therefore is not subject to compensation."

If you agree with the all-American notion that workers should be paid for the time that their employer requires them to spend at work, then you must agree that the Fair Labor Standards Act needs to be changed, ASAP.

[Photo: AP]

Mark Leibovich Is Here to Talk Politics, Media, and DC Villainy

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Mark Leibovich Is Here to Talk Politics, Media, and DC Villainy

Mark Leibovich, a national correspondent for the New York Times Magazine, is one of the few prominent "mainstream" political reporters who does not make you despair for journalism. He's zesty! And he's here now to answer your question on Washington, politics, power, and his new book.

Leibovich's latest book, published last month, is a collection of his profiles of political figures entitled Citizens of the Green Room: Profiles in Courage and Self-Delusion. Leibovich is also the author of This Town, which memorably skewered the self-regard and obliviousness of DC's media elite. (He also wrote the recent Times Magazine cover story on Chris Christie.) Leibovich has the wit to be genuinely funny and the honesty to call an asshole an [NYT-approved synonym for "asshole"], which makes him a rare commodity among high profile political writers.

Mark Leibovich will be here at 11:30 to answer your questions about DC, politics, the media, assholes, the upcoming presidential elections, his books, or whatever else you feel like asking, if you can get on his good side. Put your questions in the discussion section below right now.

What Is Chuck Johnson, and Why? The Web’s Worst Journalist, Explained

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What Is Chuck Johnson, and Why? The Web’s Worst Journalist, Explained

If you were active on social media this weekend, you may have noticed frequent references to a website called “GotNews” and a writer named Charles C. Johnson. Often these references took the form of tweets like this one:

Who is @ChuckCJohnson, and why do people want him banned from Twitter? This is an explainer for people who, because they lead healthy and well-adjusted lives, aren’t caught up on the story of Charles C. Johnson—and why so many people, particularly in the mainstream media, despise him.

Who is Charles C. Johnson?

Johnson is a California-based 26-year-old independent journalist and proprietor of GotNews.com, where he publishes the majority of his articles. According to his online biography, he’s written for a litany of conservative publications in past, including The Wall Street Journal, The Weekly Standard, and The New York Sun. He is also the author of two books, one of which is enthusiastically blurbed by Texas Senator Ted Cruz.

He’s a conservative journalist?

Not exactly. Johnson rejects being labeled as “conservative,” and describes himself instead as “a radical” and “a revolutionary.” He frequently feuds with other conservative journalists. In a tweet published earlier this month, Johnson wrote: “I’m going to enthusiastically burn down the entire political establishment for fun. It’s time someone did.”

So he’s a crazy conservative journalist?

Sort of. Johnson is well-known for ending the career of a foreign policy analyst named Elizabeth O’Bagy, who among other things misrepresented her academic credentials to her employer, The Institute for the Study of War. More recently, he’s drawn attention for his (flawed) reporting in the Senate Republican primary race in Mississippi.

If he's just another crazy conservative journalist, why has he become so internet-famous?

Johnson is equally well-known for publishing stories that fall apart under the slightest scrutiny. The list of Johnson stories that have been proven wrong is long, but his greatest hits include:

  • Falsely accusing a New York Times reporter of secretly posing for Playgirl (after that reporter, David D. Kirkpatrick, published a story that deflated a few Benghazi conspiracy theories).
  • Erroneously reporting that former Newark mayor Cory Booker didn’t actually reside in Newark.
  • Contributing reporting to the Daily Caller’s infamous story about New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez allegedly soliciting prostitutes in the Dominican Republic. The story turned out to be a complete fabrication, and may have even been planted by the Cuban government.

He also thinks Obama is gay.

What?

Behold:

(He had previously tweeted: “Why can’t we find any women who will have had sex with me & will talk?)

Johnson is pretty clearly incompetent. But why do people loathe him?

Johnson’s work for larger news organizations is generally merely incompetent. But the stuff he publishes on GotNews.com tends to be intensely hateful—bizarre, non-sequitur, victim-attacking bile directly from, and directly for, the online right-wing’s id.

Johnson likes to publish articles, for example, insinuating that victims of police violence—particularly black victims—pretty much had it coming. Earlier this year, he published screenshots of murdered teenager Michael Brown’s Instagram account. “Brown’s Instagram account also shows a violent streak that may help explain what led to a violent confrontation with Police officer Darren Wilson,” Johnson wrote. In other words, Brown deserved to die.

He gave a similar treatment to a pregnant woman named Dornella Connors, who was blinded by a bean bag fired by police officers in Ferguson, Mo. to quell protestors. Since Connors apparently lacked a criminal record, Johnson went after her boyfriend, Deangelas Lee, in an article titled “BREAKING: Blinded Pregnant Ferguson Protestor’s Boyfriend Tried Killing Cops With Car, Is Criminal.” To drive the point home, Johnson embedded a video of Lee rapping.

That’s really racist.

Yes. And these articles also put a lie to Johnson’s self-spun image as a radical patriot fighting against the political establishment. In article after article, he props up the interests of one of the most powerful political lobbies in the country: the police.

It’s not just Johnson’s attitude toward people of color who’ve been victimized by cops. Johnson in general likes to retaliate against certain individuals by publishing their personal information (a.k.a. doxxing). A recent example: After the New York Times published a copy of former Ferguson cop Darren Wilson’s marriage certificate, and named the street on which he used to live, Johnson published the home addresses—down to the street and apartment number—of the pair of reporters who authored the Times story. The headline read: “Why Can’t We Publish Addresses Of New York Times Reporters?”

Is that why people want Twitter to permanently ban him?

The most recent calls for Johnson to be banned from Twitter arose from Johnson’s decision to publish what he claims is the full name of “Jackie,” the woman who spoke to Rolling Stone about being raped at a U.V.A. fraternity in 2012. It’s not yet clear whether the name Johnson published is “Jackie’s” real name. But Johnson was so sure that Jackie lied about being raped that he began issuing threats on Twitter to publish more information about her:

Last night, he attempted to deliver on that promise by publishing a picture of a woman—who may or may not be Jackie—“proudly displaying a sign suggesting yet another rape” at a 2011 SlutWalk rally. Within hours of publication, and Johnson updated the post to clarify that he didn’t actually know whether the woman in the photo was actually Jackie—thereby retracting the claim that Jackie “cried rape BEFORE #UVAHoax.” Still, he later promised even more news about Jackie:

That’s all really fucked up.

Yes, it is.

I’m having difficulty understanding why he’s writing this stuff.

There are a number of theories. Many think he simply craves attention; outspoken conservatives regularly accuse him of being insane. Here’s an email Sean Davis of The Federalist sent Johnson earlier this month:

Far more noteworthy than any of Johnson’s journalism stunts, however, is his intellectual pedigree.

What do you mean?

Johnson’s isn’t really a marginal or peripheral figure in mainstream conservatism, as his critics often make him out to be. Here’s his self-authored biography:

He has written for The Wall Street Journal, The New York Post, The Los Angeles Times, The New Criterion, The American Spectator, The Claremont Review of Books, City Journal, Reason.com, National Review Online, Tablet Magazine, The Weekly Standard, Powerline, and The New York Sun.

His work has been featured on Real Clear Politics, the Drudge Report, Hotair.com, The Blaze, Breitbart.com, Rush Limbaugh's Show, and the Wall Street Journal's Best of the Web. He has been on Fox News with Megyn Kelly, Sean Hannity, and Lou Dobbs and numerous radio programs, including Rush Limbaugh, Larry Elder, John Batchelor, Rusty Humphries, Dennis Prager, Larry Elder, Mark Levin, and Larry Kudlow. [...]

Charles has worked for Alan M. Dershowitz at Harvard Law School, Seth Lipsky at the New York Sun, Carl Schramm at the Kauffman Foundation, and Charles Kesler at the Claremont Review of Books.

The outlets and individuals named here aren’t InfoWars or Alex Jones. Indeed, Johnson’s auto-biography describes someone raised by the intellectual right—his Calvin Coolidge biography was enthusiastically endorsed by John Yoo—and offered a platform by some of the most influential conservative publications.

Why does that matter?

It is certainly true that Johnson has alienated a wide swath of prominent conservatives with his tactics. But it’s disingenuous to argue that he’s disconnected from, or doesn’t represent, the main threads of conservative politics. (The same day Johnson published Jackie’s full name, National Review writer Kevin D. Williamson wrote an essay titled “We Should Name Rape Accusers.”) So the next time Johnson shits the conservative movement’s bed, for whatever reason, it’s important to remember exactly where he came from.


Photo credit: Charles C. Johnson

Senate Finally Releases Bombshell Report on Grisly Bush-Era CIA Torture

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Senate Finally Releases Bombshell Report on Grisly Bush-Era CIA Torture

A declassified summary of the Senate Intelligence Committee's $50 million investigation of the CIA's torture techniques of captured militants after 9/11 was finally released today. As expected, the report describes methods used by CIA operatives that went beyond the scope of what was authorized by the White House, CIA officials, and the Justice Department.

The report reveals severe methods allegedly used by some CIA officers, who "deceived their superiors at the White House, members of Congress and even sometimes their own peers about how the interrogation program was being run and what it had achieved." From the Washington Post, emphasis ours:

A declassified summary of the committee's work discloses for the first time a complete roster of all 119 prisoners held in CIA custody and indicates that at least 26 were held because of mistaken identities or bad intelligence. The publicly released summary is drawn from a longer, classified study that exceeds 6,000 pages.

Per Bloomberg, one of those detainees apparently died of hypothermia as he lie shackled to a concrete floor; another was left in the complete darkness for 17 days "without anybody knowing he was there." Waterboarding, the report states, devolved into a "series of near drownings"; prisoners were allegedly forced to stand on their broken legs. Some were forced to stay awake for 180 hours—at least five endured forced "rectal feeding" and "rectal rehydration."

Perhaps most insidiously, the report concludes, these methods of extreme torture proved ineffective in collecting actionable intelligence.

Republicans have signaled their wariness of the report's release, fearing the details of United States' gruesome torture techniques "could incite unrest and violence, even resulting in the deaths of Americans." Former Vice President Dick Cheney held firm Monday, telling reporters that the CIA's tactics following 9/11 were "absolutely, totally justified."

While White House officials have acknowledged that the torture report could create safety concerns for Americans overseas, they do not anticipate the document's declassification today to precipitate violence. From the New York Times:

The White House acknowledged that the report could pose a "greater risk" to American installations and personnel in countries like Pakistan, Yemen, Egypt, Libya and Iraq. But it said that the government had months to plan for the reverberations from its report — indeed, years — and that those risks should not delay the release of the report by the Senate Intelligence Committee. "When would be a good time to release this report?" the White House press secretary, Josh Earnest, asked. "It's difficult to imagine one, particularly given the painful details that will be included."

But even as the Obama Administration attempts to deflect fears of attacks on Americans, security has reportedly been upped at international American air bases and embassies—the Times reports the U.S. "will ramp up their monitoring of the communications of terrorist groups like Al Qaeda and the Islamic State."

[Image via AP]

Kickstarter Project Finds Exciting New Way to Screw Its Backers

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Kickstarter Project Finds Exciting New Way to Screw Its Backers

Here is a good idea: A coffee machine that roasts, grinds, and brews all in one go—raw, green beans to a hot cup of coffee on your countertop. Hell yeah. Freshness.

Here is a bad idea: Crowdfunding hundreds of thousands of dollars by lying about how far along you are in developing said project, suddenly making it a proprietary system before backtracking, and then continuing to act like a sketchball when the people who gave you money call you out on it.

The story of one still-pending, oft-delayed, and infuriating coffee machine dream is a cautionary tale for pretty much everyone involved. And yet another clear sign that crowdfunding has a serious credibility problem.

Coffee startup Bonaverde led three crowdfunding campaigns for its vision of an all-in-one roast-to-cup machine (because why take money from one group of idealists if you can take it from three?), raising $681,461 on Kickstarter, $124,529 on Indiegogo, and nearly $1.5 million on European crowdfunding site Seedmatch.

Now hundreds of Kickstarter backers are furious at the company, claiming the campaign was at worst a scam and at best a pretty shady bait-and-switch. People are already looking into class action lawsuits and other legal recourse to get their money back. The kicker? Bonaverde is refusing to give full refunds until the company becomes profitable. Backers have now hatched a sort of crowdsourcing forum of their own to explore their options.

So how'd things get so bad?

The coffee racket

The trouble started after Bonaverde's Kickstarter campaign wrapped on December 8, 2013. The anticipated delivery was October 2014, but it soon became clear that the original plans needed significant retooling. Backers criticized the project for misleading them about how far along the prototype was when the campaign launched. But that was just a prelude to a much larger problem.

The original Kickstarter promised a machine that would let people customize the way they roasted raw beans. The Bonaverde team never outright stated that the machine would be compatible with any coffee bean, but there was no mention of a plan to limit the kind of beans that would work with the machine. They even demoed a prototype of a machine where you pour in the raw beans of your choosing, press a button, and roast.

But then in July, the company updated its backers with a development that hey, actually, in order to use the machine people would have to buy Bonaverde beans through a marketplace it developed with farmers. The coffee maker would use RFID tags to process pre-prepared servings of coffee. Proprietary beans! Basically, you were locked in for the life of the machine. Many backers who had pledged $300 expecting a machine they could use with any bean were apoplectic.

Bonaverde framed this surprise feature as a way to help people not fuck up their coffee: "In the past, we've often experienced people misusing the machine in the most adventurous ways, filling beans into the water tank and vice-versa filling water into the roasting chamber etc. So one of our main goals is to make the machine as easy to use as possible," it wrote. But many of the backers believe it deliberately deceived them and had plans to introduce this feature from the beginning.

There was some reason to suspect subterfuge. Bonaverde's founder, Hans Stier, had previously been involved with another startup called Kaffee Toro, a subscription-based raw bean home delivery service. It promised that subscribers would receive a free all-in-one roaster-grinder-brewer machine so that they would have a way to make coffee from the beans, as a kind of bonus for joining the subscription service.

Kaffee Toro went kaput, and at first it seemed like Stier had isolated the machine idea to start Bonaverde. The introduction of the RFID tags, though, led some backers to surmise that Stier had actually been plotting a way to reintroduce his original concept all along. Instead of just lifting the machine into its own product, they claim, Stier has reverse-engineered his first startup's business model, shifting the selling point to the machine but sneaking in the marketplace as an afterthought. Unlike the original plan for a machine, the machine-plus-beans model is a far more profitable setup for Bonaverde, since it changes a one-time hardware purchase into a commitment to buy coffee through the startup.

Stier denies that the RFID design change was pre-planned. "It's very important for me to state again that we did not plan on implementing the RFID either before or during the Kickstarter campaign. This only came up afterwards," he told me.

Bonaverde eventually conceded to angry backers by announcing it would provide special reusable RFID tags to backers so they could use beans of their choosing. But many remain rankled; they no longer believe that the project has been carried out in good faith and still want refunds. And can't get them.

Things heated up even more when Bonaverde pushed back its deadline yet again this month, now with a soft launch date in summer 2015—another delay for a machine many backers don't even want anymore.

When I talked to Stier, he admitted that Bonaverde had "fucked up" the timeline and the design of the project, but was adamant that the essential vision is intact and that Bonaverde would begin mass-producing its machines whether or not its backers wanted to shove the machines up his coffee-colored holes. He may very well believe what he's saying when he says the RFID idea came along at the time Bonaverde says it did.

Raging backers

But that's a hard tale to swallow for many of the project's backers:

Kickstarter Project Finds Exciting New Way to Screw Its Backers

Kickstarter Project Finds Exciting New Way to Screw Its Backers

Kickstarter Project Finds Exciting New Way to Screw Its Backers

People are upset on Indiegogo too:

Kickstarter Project Finds Exciting New Way to Screw Its Backers

"There's no way we could pay out the people that had backed before, and I don't think it would be reasonable to endanger a project that is running very smoothly, very well, that is almost on time compared to the hundreds of thousands of Kickstarter projects," Stier told me when I asked about the refunds.

Disgruntled backers have started a forum to facilitate their coordinated legal action. "We're crowdsourcing different ideas on how to use the consumer protection laws in our various jurisdictions to make sure we're protected and that we get our refunds. The problem is that Bonaverde is based out of Germany," law student and unhappy backer Tony Godfrey told me.

This is a fight that backers plan to take to court. And what this fight comes down to is a fundamental disagreement over two things: What Bonaverde owes the backers, and whether the decision to use a locked system violates the vision of the original crowdfunding mission.

As far as the second disagreement goes, the decision to implement RFID sure as hell looks like something that completely changed the nature of the project. If they can prove their allegations that Bonaverde misled them on purpose, they will have a better chance in legal channels...t hough they're still facing a big problem.

As Stier pointed out, Kickstarter backers are not paying for a product, they are supporting a vision. No matter how righteous backers are in feeling duped, according to Kickstarter's rules, Bonaverde does not owe them the coffee machine they originally pledged money towards as long as Bonaverde has an explanation.

So where is Kickstarter in all this? Conveniently staying out of it, as per its accountability policy.

"It's our policy to not comment on individual projects," a Kickstarter spokesperson told me when I asked about the case. Kickstarter's statements about what project creators owe their backers make it pretty clear the crowdfunding site won't get involved:

When a project is successfully funded, the creator is responsible for completing the project and fulfilling each reward. Their fundamental obligation to backers is to finish all the work that was promised. Once a creator has done so, they've fulfilled their obligation to their backers.

At the same time, backers must understand that Kickstarter is not a store. When you back a project, you're helping to create something new — not ordering something that already exists. There's a chance something could happen that prevents the creator from being able to finish the project as promised.

While the backers would have a case if they could prove that Bonaverde strategically withheld plans to bilk money from them, they do not have proof, and they have limited options to force Bonaverde to give them their money back.

Backing a vision vs. buying a product

Now, Kickstarter isn't a place to buy things. It's not an investment opportunity. It's a place to gamble on helping creators bring their visions for future projects into reality, and sometimes those visions can shift dramatically. That is something everyone should know going into crowdfunding.

But the complete lack of recourse for backers could end up being Kickstarter's undoing if projects like this continue to damage its credibility. The company's policy means it's still able to keep its cut of the donations even if a project screws over its backers. That's good for Kickstarter. And shitty for users.

It's not right, and probably not sustainable. Which is why many think Kickstarter should offer an insurance policy to protect users from situations like Bonaverde. Indiegogo is currently testing an insurance plan for backers when projects fizzling out without fulfilling promises. This is a good thing.

It is, however, illegal to intentionally scam people out of their money—even in the world of crowdfunding. So if the backers can prove that Bonaverde did in fact deliberately deceive them about the project from the get-go, they may be able to convince Kickstarter to intervene, and they may be able to make their case in court. There has already been one instance where the Washington state government filed a court case on behalf of people scammed by a Kickstarter campaign, so it's not entirely unprecedented.

For now, this situation is a reminder that you're basically giving your money away when you pledge to Kickstarter campaigns. It's a reminder that you have no guarantee and very limited recourse if you do get taken in by an unrealistic Kickstarter or a project that fizzles out, and that the crowdfunding community must push for additional safeguards if it want to maintain its most credible and popular service's credibility. Kickstarter originally had a stricter vetting process for the projects it hosts, but this June the company relaxed its regulations, putting its process more in line with Indiegogo, which doesn't ban projects unless they're illegal, regulated, or dangerous.

Unlike the disastrous Kreyos Meteor or countless other long-delayed or just straight-up failed crowdfunding projects, Bonaverde is making inroads with its ambitious project. The company does plan on releasing a machine that roasts, grinds, and brews coffee. It is indisputably behind schedule, but in Kickstarter World, it's not a shocking post-funding delay. (There's an espresso maker funded back in January 2012 with over $300,000 and so far, no product.) At least Bonaverde is making progress and updating its backers... but the fact that the project's general sketchiness looks relatively benign compared to completely failed projects and outright scams is evidence of crowdfunding's weakness.

The more projects continue to erode public trust, the more the crowdfunding site's reputation will suffer. Kickstarter should take a keen interest in cases like this or it risks endangering the foundation of its appeal.


The Saddest Email: Paul Reiser Wants More Mad About You on DVD

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The Saddest Email: Paul Reiser Wants More Mad About You on DVD

Almost everything about this ever-expanding Sony security meltdown is humiliating for Sony. But buried in the latest hacker release is one of the most depressing emails you'll ever read, from a man wondering why more people can't buy his 90s sitcom.

In an email exchange (above, make sure to click "expand") between Sony Pictures Television prez Steve Mosko and Paul Reiser (subject line: "Paul Reiser here"), the latter asks the former what we've all been wondering: why are only some of the seasons of "Mad About You" on iTunes and in stores on DVD?

In a later exchange, Mosko promises some progress on the issue, and Reiser apologizes for misspelling his own name:

The Saddest Email: Paul Reiser Wants More Mad About You on DVD

Keep hope alive, superfans.

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

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The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

It's a difficult world out there, people. War, poverty, brutality, corruption, social and racial injustice … these are not civil times we live in. Which is why, more than ever, we NEED the comfort and warmth that only life inside the Williams-Sonoma catalog can provide. Follow me, America. Follow me inside these glossy pages, where there is no anger. No violence. No internet commenters explaining why YOUR SO STOOPID.

In here, there is nothing but endless kitchen countertops, and meticulously arranged buffet spreads with pre-made bundt cakes (prep it a day early, and your party is a snap!) that have been drizzled just so with triple-butterscotch icing. There are fancy chocolates enrobed in other fancy chocolates. There are WHIMSICAL TINS (yes, the copy actually says that). There are thousands of newfangled cooking tools and gadgets and devices that only a Greenwich, Conn., kitchen could possibly have space to accommodate. There are dustings and sprinklings and twee little bows, all perfectly arranged for your perfect little evening of perfect holiday entertaining with your perfect neighbor guests and your perfect children standing by the table in their john-johns and singing gaily to you all as you pipe fresh, warm cognac into each other's butts.

There is grace in this catalog. You are safe from the outside world here. It's just you, your $685 Vitamix blender ("No waste and plenty of extra fiber!"), and no possible way for city residents to access your neighborhood via public transit. While the world burns outside, you will be snug and secure with all your loved ones, talking about your times at Princeton (I assume all of you went to Princeton), breathing in the scents from a literal Dutch oven, and spooning out fresh cassoulet from one of your MANY Le Crouset cooking dishes. Isn't life FABULOUS?! Isn't Christmas just grand when you spent thousands of dollars and hours upon hours of your free time making everything just so perfect, so you can spend the rest of your time micromanaging your family into oblivion, so that they are always within your maniacal control? I bet this catalog is for people who freak out if a dog nuzzles against them.

Anyway, as a card-carrying white person, I have once again received this catalog in the mail. So as we did in 2012 and 2013, let's go through it and point out some of the more ludicrous items to be found. I'm sad to report that there are NO chicken coops on sale this year. You'll have to source those elsewhere, amigo. But there IS an Ina Garten cameo here! You knew there would be.

Item #66-7072176 – Snowman Cake Pan ($29.58)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "Only our bundt pans have a premium nonstick coating that helps capture every detail on the pan."

Drew Says: This is the perfect low-end Williams Sonoma gift because a) it costs $30 but is also somehow utterly pointless, b) there is no way that, in real life, your stupid snowman cake will stay upright (how does all that icing stay up on his face? I call bullshit), and c) it's perfect for making a cake that you do not want anyone to actually eat. How do you slice the idiotic snowman cake? You don't. You bake it, you put it in the center of the table, and then you yell at the kids to not fucking touch it. That's how people roll with a snowman cake.

Item #66-7741952 – Gluten-Free Vanilla Sugar Cookie Mix ($14.95)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog


Copy: "This year, we've partnered with some of our favorite bloggers, bakers, and chefs to create a collection of recipes sure to win at any holiday cookie swap."

Drew Says: Gotta win that holiday cookie swap. I'll be damned if Muffy Carrington wins again with those fucking pecan bars she makes every year. IT'S NOT EVEN A COOKIE. That bitch is gonna burn, thanks to the $16 I spent on this gluten-free sugar cookie mix. It's like a regular sugar cookie, but for pussies! I'm gonna bake these things up, present them on a tasteful, silver-lined plate, and take that bitch to school.

Seriously though, who spends $16 on sugar cookie mix? How hard is it to make your own sugar cookies? I bet this mix is just a box of sugar. "Just mix with eggs, flour, and salt!"

Item #66-7105646 – Snowflake Jacquard Apron ($34.95)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "Jacquard-woven cotton. Made in Portugal."

Drew Says: Listen, I can't have my apron woven with regular, peasant cotton. I need Jacquard to do it. Jacquard understands what I need from my cotton. There's a little bit of magic in his loom.

By the way, it's worth noting that W-S founder Chuck Williams grew up dirt-poor and fatherless, and was forced to work on a date farm (literally named Sniffs) all through high school. Wikipedia says he also served in World War II as a plane mechanic. He is a legitimately self-made man and a fantastic American success story. So I like to imagine that he created this catalog just to fuck with rich trust-fund babies. "Tell them it's made in Portugal. They'll shit their dicks for Portuguese cotton."

Item #66-4423141 – Snowflake Cakelet Pan ($28.80)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "Create intricate mini-cakes and top with powdered sugar. Made in USA by Nordic Ware of cast aluminum with nonstick finish."

Drew Says: Oh, do you eat regular cake? How gauche. Here in Beverlytomacnetka, we only eat cakelets. And pie-lets. And tartlets (there are lobster tartlets on page 73!). Can I get you a martini-let?

Items #66-1649441, #66-57921819, #66-4974309 – Peppermint Bark Cookies ($24.95), Peppermint Bark Marshmallows ($19.95), Peppermint Bark Cups ($24.95)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "Artisan (Ed. note: Of course) candymakers layer creamy white chocolate over dark Guittard chocolate and then top it with crisp, homemade peppermint candy bits."

Drew says: Those $30 tins of peppermint bark represent 90 percent of all W-S holiday sales, so it makes sense that they would do a Marvel-style rollout of sequels and spinoffs: Peppermint bark cups, and peppermint bark cookies, and peppermint bark cakelets, and peppermint bark-coated beef roasts, etc. Soon we'll have a peppermint bark origin story. Very dark. Very gritty. I worry about franchise dilution. It used to be about the BARK, man. Anyway, you can make peppermint bark at home with four ingredients, but why do that when you can have an ARTISAN CANDYMAKER do it instead? Let me tell you something: If my kid went through college and then told me he wanted to follow his dream of being an artisanal candymaker named Williamsburg Wonka, I would beat his ass. No remorse. We don't need this many people trying to elevate candy.

But for real, I'd eat the fuck out of all these items.

Item #66-5832014 – Hot Chocolate Pot ($60)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "New & exclusive! Award-winning mid-century design from the Dansk Kobenstyle collection. Engineered for uniform heating in heavy-gauge steel with a stay-cool teak handle."

Drew Says: Yes, a hot chocolate pot. Because a fondue pot wasn't quite useless enough. Hey, you know what other kind of pot is good for making hot chocolate? A POT. Like, any regular pot that you already have. I know sometimes it dribbles down the side when you pour the chocolate out, making you want to kill God. But if you use a ladle, you'll be fine. The Williams-Sonoma catalog will not rest until you need a separate pot for every single goddamn thing you make. QUICK! SOMEONE FETCH ME THE GOAT CHEESE FRITATTA SKILLET! No, not the Western Frittata skillet, you MORON! It's $60. For a hot chocolate pot. Goddamn.

Are you ready for the cronuts? Because you know they got some fucking cronuts this year …

Item #66-5750161 – Croissonuts ($39.95) (!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "Let rise overnight, fry, then roll in sugar or add your favorite filling. Set of 18."

Drew says: I have to fry them myself? FUCK YOU, WILLIAMS-SONOMA. I paid you $40 so that I wouldn't have to go stand in line with all the jackasses at 5 a.m. You fry them. The whole point of this exercise is for me to avoid getting 50 burns on my wrist frying these things. Oh, and just add my favorite filling? HOW? With my croissonut filling pot? Hey, you know what? I'm selling my own cronut knockoff, too. Pay me $80, and I'll come to your house with a bag of flour, and then I'll kick you in the shins. The kick is gluten-free.

Item #66-210252 – Mushroom Logs ($29.95 For Shitake, $29.95 For Oyster)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "Exclusive! Grow organic mushrooms every two months for three years … Glass cloche protects mushrooms as they grow."

Drew Says: The cloche does not come with your fungus log; it's an additional $189.95. And you have to buy it, right? You can't just leave your shiitake log exposed to the elements like that. Your mushroom risotto will end up being 50 percent cat dander that way.

Let's be clear on this right now: If you invite me into your home and serve me mushrooms from your home log, I'm not eating them. You are trying to drug me, and I'm not having it. Unless your home has a climate-control system similar to an Ebola quarantine room, I'm not touching those things. Don't be a fungus person. They're right below entomologists on the creepy scale.

Item #66-5779553 – Three Months Of Steak ($329.95)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "Restaurant-quality beef cuts from Double R Ranch Co. Four 7-oz. filet mignons, four 16-oz. porterhouse steak and four 12-oz. ribeye steaks."

Drew Says: Twelve steaks. That's it. I could go to a restaurant and order 12 steaks, and it would still be less expensive than the 12 raw ones that this catalog claims will last me three whole months. Twelve steaks = ONE cookout. This ain't three months of shit. If someone built me a fallout shelter and told me there was three months' worth of steaks inside, and I went in to find only 12 steaks, I would push that person out of my shelter and let them be exposed to the incoming hydrogen flame blast. Cut the price in half, send me 90 steaks, and then we'll chat. For now, enjoy battling the mutant zombies on your own. Jerk.

Item #66-1375781 – Open Kitchen Lapkin ($5 Each)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "Extra-wide cotton napkin."

Drew Says: Lapkin. Got it. Gonna need a lapkin ring for these lapkins, plus lapkinlets for cocktail hour.

Item #66-4052924 – Lobster Mac And Cheese ($99)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "Gourmet comfort food made in Maine with lobster and shell pasta in mascarpone cheddar sauce with Panko-parmesan topping … four ramekins."

Drew Says: Four fucking ramekins, for $100! At least the $180 ham in this brochure is 18 pounds. I wanna run a business where people pay me that much to ruin lobster. Why does mac and cheese get a pass from the "don't put cheese on seafood" rule? Is it because Americans just blindly eat any mac and cheese you put in front of them? OH WHAT A UNIQUE TWIST ON COMFORT FOOD. There is nothing comforting about shelling out that much money for four frozen thimblefuls of lobster glue. For a hundred bucks, I want LOBSTER. I can make a pot of Kraft mac on the side if we really need it. Otherwise, send me a five-pound Tupperware filled with nothing but shelled lobster meat, and then I will decide the proper way of deploying it.

But this is the genius of Williams-Sonoma. They know that rich people love small portions of impossibly decadent food. Jacking up the price on your lobster mac to a hundred bucks is just one method of keeping you rich and thin. They could probably sell a gallon tub of this at the same price and it wouldn't sell as briskly.

Item #N/A – Ina Garten Hanging Out With A Damn Turkey

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "As the host of Barefoot Contessa and the author of nine cookbooks, Ina Garten knows how to make entertaining look effortless."

Drew Says: Of course she does! She has a fuckload of money, a house in the Hamptons, and no kids! That tends to make for smooth sailing in life. No wonder she looks so pleased with herself. I could build a sister peak to Everest if I didn't have these kids around gumming up the works.

But this is ALWAYS the dream they sell at W-S and Barefoot Contessa and Martha Stewart and any other doily mill: the idea of EFFORTLESSNESS. Not only must you dazzle your guests with fresh lobster marshmallows and candied steak-tip pie, but you have to look as if you made that shit appear on the table as if by magic. No sweat. No strain. You must be the neighborhood's fairy godmother, waving your wand and SUMMONING all the lapkins. HOW DOES SHE DO IT?! God forbid a bead of sweat drop on your Jacquard apron. I knew Ina Garten would pop up in one of these catalogs one day. It was inevitable, like seeing Pitbull and Ke$ha do a song together.

Item #66-4593893 – Spoonula ($9.95)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "A spoonula combines the flexibility of a silicone spatula with the handy curve of a spoon. The result is an ultra-versatile tool for scraping, stirring, and folding … also available in yellow or pumpkin."

Drew Says: Don't fall for BIG SPOONULA's sales pitch. You don't wanna try to ladle soup into a bowl using the world's shallowest spoon. It's like trying to carry a martini glass across a minefield. No, thank you. I will use a spoon for spooning and a spatula for spatula-ing. A spoonula is only useful for the ultra-light brand of BDSM that your standard New Canaan housewife shows an interest in once every three years or so. Get that spoonula out of my face.

Item #66-5006242 – Woodland Garland ($89.95)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "New & exclusive. Rustic faux evergreen boughs and natural pinecones with hidden flexible wire."

Drew Says: There are actual trees outside! Many of them! Just go get your decorative table garbage there. I really dispute the "new and exclusive" tag being used for fake branches. How exclusive can a fake branch be? That is a patented branch design, people! One of a kind! Our workers in Portugal slaved over getting the needles just right.

Item #66-5541453 – Breville Oracle Espresso Machine ($1,999.95 – "New Special Value: Save $500")

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "Features automatic grinding, dosing, tamping, and milk texturing."

Drew Says: Oh, well, if it textures my milk for me, I'm all in. I wanna meet the couple (and it has to be a couple) who share such an obsession with coffee that they need to drop two grand on a NASA-designed espresso spaceship that grinds every burr to a precise atomic measurement and heats up your coffee cup to a temperature that was calibrated using advanced fractals. I wanna find this couple, and then piss in their coffee. I really do. Send me their address, and I'll figure out a way. No jury would convict me. Just be happy with plain old coffee, America.

Item #66-447656 – Hurom HG Elite Slow Juicer ($429.95)

The 2014 Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Copy: "Double-winged, double-grooved auger crushes and presses food for maximum yield and minimum oxidation."

Drew Says: Whoa, hey, who put OXYGEN in this carrot juice? GARBAGE. That's the difference between your standard slow juicer and an ELITE slow juicer. RG3 will never know how to juice like this.

And you'll need your triple-steel AstroGlided rip-grooved lemon drill for after the holidays, when you've stuffed yourself full of peppermint bark-crusted tenderloin, and soiled all the lapkins with gluten-free cookie bits, and downed all the croissonuts in a fit of stress-induced binge eating because PEOPLE ARE EXPECTING TOO MUCH OF YOU OH GOD YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT AND WHAT IF THE MILK IS OVER-TEXTURED?! You will need that elite juicer to grind down leek smoothies and purge your system of the holiday entertaining season for good. Because the holidays are exhausting, no matter how much fancy crap you buy to try to cover it up. Merry Christmas, consumer America!


Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter@drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com. You can also order Drew's book,Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.

Image by Jim Cooke.

The Concourse is Deadspin's home for culture/food/whatever coverage. Follow us on Twitter.

Fifth and Sixth Apocalypse Riders Busted in Snake-Throwing Onion Fight

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Fifth and Sixth Apocalypse Riders Busted in Snake-Throwing Onion Fight

It is foretold in Revelations that two men in the northern wilds of Saskatchewan, incensed over the preparation of a fast food breakfast sandwich, will procure a serpent from a jacket pocket and hurl it forcefully across the counter at an innocent employee.

In a somber tweet yesterday, the Saskatoon Police department revealed that at long last, the dark prophecy was fulfilled.

According to a news release from the department, the men began fighting with a worker at the Tim Hortons on 22nd Street West about the onions on their sandwiches—they wanted them diced—when the snake was unleashed. They were promptly arrested for causing a disturbance. The Saskatoon Star Phoenix reports:

According to Saskatoon police, staff members "fled the store in fear" after the incident, which took place Monday around 7:30 a.m. at the Tim Hortons in the 600 block of 22nd Street West.

"I've never heard of a snake being thrown at an employee by a customer … It was definitely a little chaotic," said Saskatoon police spokeswoman Alyson Edwards.

"The staff was shocked and afraid and fled the store."

Staff told police that two male customers were arguing with an employee about their breakfast order – specifically that they wanted their onions diced. When the argument escalated, one of the men reached into the pocket of the other man, pulled out a garter snake and threw it behind the counter.

No one was injured, said police.

The snake, which was not venomous, earned the nickname "outlaw." Seemingly unaware of the dark forces at play, Saskatoon cops have been wringing the incident for all the publicity they can get:

[Image via Saskatoon Police]

Economist Nouriel Roubini Accidentally Tweets Booty Call

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Nouriel Roubini—the gallivanting N.Y.U. economics professor who once installed plaster vaginas on the walls of his Tribeca loft—recently gallivanted to Chicago for a business trip. And, according to a tweet he immediately deleted last night, he was looking to mingle with more than one “hottie”:

In fairness, Dr. Doom, as he’s known professionally, has never really lacked for female companionship—as his very active Facebook profile makes clear.

From March:

Economist Nouriel Roubini Accidentally Tweets Booty Call

From June:

Economist Nouriel Roubini Accidentally Tweets Booty Call

From August:

Economist Nouriel Roubini Accidentally Tweets Booty Call

We hope you eventually find the hotties you’re looking for, Nouriel.

(By the way, if you know who “Wenjie” is, let us know.)

H/T Josh Barro

Seth Rogen Has Heard the New Kanye Album, Live, In Kanye's Limo

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Kanye West is not known for being able to take a joke—although some of that might be due to the Fishsticks episode of South Park—but he loved James Franco and Seth Rogen's Bound 2 parody video. In fact, he loved it so much that he invited Rogen into a limo van where performed his entire unreleased album.

Per a new Rolling Stone feature on Rogen:

Shortly after his and James Franco's parody of the rapper's "Bound 2" video — "Bound 3," in which [Rogen] played the role of topless Kim Kardashian —West cornered Rogen at a New York hotel and invited him to his limo van for a listening session with a twist. "There's no lyrics, only beats," Rogen said. "So he raps the whole album, and after each song, he stops it, like, 'So what do you think?' We were in the van for two hours!"

Rogen is one of a select few to have heard the followup to Yeezus, which Kanye originally planned to release this fall. Theophilus London, whose album was produced by Kanye, claims to have heard the new Yeezy at Paris Fashion Week.

"So shortly after this picture I Only remember kanye playing his new album 3 times in a dark room of 20 people last night and moshing drunk with mad babes haha," he wrote on Instagram three months ago.

He also claims the record—which still doesn't have a release date—has changed a lot since then, so it's unclear how much of what Rogen heard will ever see the light of day. That only makes the time they probably hotboxed a limo van together (Rogen didn't actually say that, but he's also Seth Rogen) that much more special.

[h/t Vulture]

The New Cosmopolitan & the Slow Climb Out of Lipstick-and-Lasagna Land

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The New Cosmopolitan & the Slow Climb Out of Lipstick-and-Lasagna Land

"I am so fucking excited to see you all!" Joanna Coles, clad in a pair of leather leggings, yelled from the stage of the David H. Koch theater at Lincoln Center at 9:30 a.m. on a brisk Saturday in November. Coles, the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan magazine, was kicking off the New York version of the publication's Fun Fearless Life conference, a two-day event for Cosmo readers created with the intent that said women will "walk away braver, smarter, happier." Despite the early hour and her protestation that she was "so hungover," Coles, surrounded by shirtless male models, certainly didn't look like she'd stayed up the night before drinking. She looked like the boss you want to work for, the aunt you want to gossip with, woman you want to grow up to be.

The launch of the Fun Fearless Life conference (sponsored by Maybelline and Express) caps off a few years of intense growth for Cosmo. If you're a news media dork, or even if you're not, it'd be hard to avoid the apparent drastic change Cosmopolitan has had over the past couple of years under Coles' watch. According to regularly glowing press coverage, the publication has turned from sex-crazed and jokey to a serious and overtly "feminist" publication.

"This event is designed to help you reflect on your goals and find a way to [connect with each other]," Coles told the audience of over 1,000 20-somethings sporting blow-outs, high-heeled boots and yes, leather leggings, before going on to explain that she intended the next two days to be "a spa weekend for your spirit."

She got her wish: the weekend, all about making your aspirational life a reality, barely touched on sex à la blow jobs assisted by scrunchies. But female empowerment, that elusive minx—she was everywhere.


Last November, newly-hired Cosmopolitan.com sex editor Anna Breslaw hosted a Reddit AMA seemingly intended to get the word out about nu-Cosmopolitan magazine. According to her own description, Breslaw "was hired to make the site funnier, more feminist and less about creepy servile blowjob magic." But still, her AMA brought numerous comments and complaints about Cosmo's supposed history of being a publication devoted mostly to sex tips—so many questions that the topic dominated the conversation.

Breslaw (a former Jezebel contributor who I am friendly with via the internet) found herself confronted with the history of a magazine she'd barely had anything to do with, defending a future she was only a small part of. She patiently answered her critics and also alluded to a divide between the team she works for—Cosmopolitan.com—and the monthly print publication. Her message and the understanding of the Redditors interacting with her was the same: The Cosmo she works for is the new Cosmo and what had existed before (and/or exists in the magazine still) was the old Cosmo.

"How do you feel about people complaining that a lot of the [sex] tips are uncomfortable, bad, or just generally painful? Also, what do you think of /r/ShitCosmoSays?" wrote Musicmantobes, referencing a subreddit devoted to making fun of Cosmo's more embarrassing moments.

"well, i just started working here a few months ago, and i'm not responsible for the iconic bad tips people make fun of," Breslaw replied. "(i also don't do sex tips, really, since the website has changed/become less stereotypical 'cosmo.')"

Later, after receiving questions that she felt were directed to writers and editors of the print magazine and not the website, Breslaw responded, "someone there should really do an AMA. a lot of these questions were addressed to them." (Breslaw has since moved over to the print side of the publication.)

"What changes has the magazine made to update itself?" another person asked.

"the print mag runs some edgier stories these days as well as the usual 'how to give him a bj so he cums glitter' kind of stuff," Breslaw replied. "i don't feel qualified to speak for them, but the new editor in chief Joanna Coles is very against the old style of Cosmo that was all about bj tips and not about career stuff. which reflects in the upcoming issues, i think."

This idea–that the "old Cosmo" wasn't about careers, about "serious" issues that women care about, but was instead almost entirely about man-pleasing–has been heavily proliferated through recent stories about the publication. But the truth about Cosmo and its fun, fearless, females is far more nuanced and says far more about the growth and evolution of women's media than many have taken the proper time to consider.

But who can blame them? This Cosmo is distracting. It's so very new, you see.


Touted by its publisher Hearst as "the best-selling young women's magazine in the U.S., a bible for fun, fearless females that reaches more than 18 million readers a month," Cosmopolitan has been around in some form or another dating back to 1886. But the way it's talked about now, you wouldn't think it had existed for longer than anal sex has been a (sometimes) appropriate topic of dinner conversation.

That's because of Helen Gurley Brown, the editor who took the magazine and turned into some form of what it is today in 1965. Brown died in 2012, leaving behind the legacy of a publication that was both heavily criticized and respected by feminists. Since her death, Brown's memory has gained a new wave of supporters: "Third Wave" feminists, especially those in the media, appear much more ready to cop to considering her a role model than many of Brown's peers did at the time.

As I and others have written about before, Brown's iteration of the magazine was focused on sex and career. While those topics might seem par for the course for women's magazines today, at the time—when contemporary publications were focused on homemaking and pleasing your husband—Cosmo read as revolutionary. That being said, Brown didn't position her publication this way entirely for the sake of trailblazing. Rather, she knew what would push sales: content about relationships.

"[H]aving a man is not more important than great work, it's as important," she told the New York Times in 1974. "I know intellectually that jobs are as important. But they're not as good for Cosmo in terms of sales. We have had major articles on careers, on nursing and library work. But they don't have nearly as much clout as an article on 'Find Your Second Husband Before You Divorce Your First One.'"

Still, as other editors at other women's magazines did, sometimes famously, Brown listened to women who criticized her publication, and always made room for a certain amount of "serious" content available within its pages; articles about the women's movement appeared in the 1970s with semi-regularity. But her emphasis was mostly on fun fun fun, as she outlined in her November 1995 letter from the editor:

People are asking me how Cosmo is changing. They're right to ask; everything changes, of course, including this magazine, but not the basics. We–the editors and I– remain dedicated to helping you have the good things in life that you want and deserve, to helping you navigate the shoals (bad stuff).

...

The magazine is also about joy–sexual pleasure, passion, friendship, love, achievement. Naturally, we try to be frisky and fresh every month while being true to our cause . . . being helpful in your life.

She went on to say:

Cosmo is going to do everything we can to help. We don't write a great deal about children, which you may indeed want and have–most people do; we let other magazines cover that subject. We're not big on scaring you. Not many articles on the perils of cosmetic surgery (your eyes wind up below your nose!), the polluted streams of Wisconsin, the dangers of big-city life. Those evils indeed exist, but we let the newspapers, TV shows, and newsmagazines deal with them. Once a month, we do one hard-hitting piece–Is the Country Gun Crazy? The Relentless March of the Fundamentalists, Homelessness in America, The Great Silicone-Breast-Implant Scare is a Hoax, etc.

That particular issue includes a story on the value of using a midwife, a piece on the importance of posture (which was basically the precursor to a presentation given by Amy Cuddy at Fun Fearless Life last month), a profile on the lives of female foreign correspondents, and an in-depth look at bisexualism.

Brown was pushed out as editor of the magazine in 1997, after three decades at the helm and then in her 70s, the magazine's circulation was at 2.5 million. She was replaced with Bonnie Fuller, who took it over for only two years before jumping ship to Glamour (Fuller slightly bumped circulation, raising it to 2.7). When Fuller started at Cosmo after leaving Marie Claire, the Globe and Mail wrote in a profile of her that she was partially responsible for the renaissance of US women's magazines that were "climbing out of their lipstick-and-lasagna ghetto":

Fuller's Marie Claire has led the charge with stories such as "They're Going to Ban The Abortion that Saved my Life," "The Abandoned Babies of Bosnia," and "The Tragedy of Female Circumcision." Others have joined in with articles on "America's Most Sexist Judges" (Redbook); the siege of Sarajevo as experienced by women (Vogue); ethics and genetic testing (Glamour).

Paradoxically, as American women's magazines are becoming more serious they are also getting more cheekily opinionated. Marie Claire recently ran a story on plastic surgery titled "Knife-Styles of the Rich and Famous." In the current issue of Allure, one of Fuller's favourite magazines, there's a feature on "America's Most Unwanted Women" — Kathie Lee Gifford and "The Vexmaster, Barbra Streisand," among them. A page of altered photos shows what Sharon Stone and Mira Sorvino will look like with double chins ("jowlbait" is the bitchy verdict).

This piece, published in 1996, foreshadows the stories that have been written about Coles' version of the magazine, and demonstrate at least one thing: Women's magazine's have been climbing out of the "lipstick-and-lasagna ghetto" for ages and ages, but the location of that ghetto has been shifting to suit the needs and whims of the media narrative being crafted by its participants and its authors. As Jennifer Scanlon wrote in her excellent biography of Helen Gurley Brown, in actuality, Fuller didn't change the magazine much; her iteration focused on "relationship issues, emotional issues, career issues, and sexual issues."

And as Scanlon notes, neither did Kate White: "...her additions, which include 'Cosmo Gyno,' a health column, and 'Ecstasy,' a sex column, remain true to concerns Helen Gurley Brown had brought to Cosmopolitan thirty-five years earlier."

White started as Cosmo's editor-in-chief in 1998. When she left the magazine in 2012, circulation was at an all-time high, at 3 million. "I think what Bonnie's done has been terrific," said White when she started, mirroring almost exactly what Fuller had said of Brown's legacy. "It's a formula that works. I'm not going in with any idea other than working with that formula." White certainly kept one thing Fuller started—the "fun, fearless female" motto that the site has stuck with.

White did up the sex factor—or at least, she upped the visibility of the sex content, much as Coles is upping the visibility of her political coverage. It's not that White didn't add more obviously sexually explicit stories (she did) or that Coles isn't adding a greater number of "serious" stories (she is) but the context for why and how their changes seem so noteworthy has been glossed over.

Why did the sex content get upped under White's reign? For one, it was informative: as White told Slate earlier this year, "This was a time when young people were clamoring for information, and they couldn't get it from their friends. We gave them permission to enjoy having sex."

But it also simply got attention. Brown's focus (and public explanations about that focus) on the interests of single women got the attention of readers and the media; decades later, White's sexually explicit coverlines did the same.

The New Cosmopolitan & the Slow Climb Out of Lipstick-and-Lasagna Land

And as White made those changes, they were mirrored everywhere in the women's magazine field. In a piece called "Old-Line Women's Magazines Turn to Sex to Spice Up Their Sales" published in the Times in 2000, Alex Kuczynski outlined how Kroger supermarkets were covering up magazine covers with "sexually explicit" headlines—Cosmo was among them, but so was Redbook. The "Seven Sisters" women's magazines, which typically catered to an older audience, started to try to compete with their younger competitors in order to bolster circulation. From Kuczynski's story:

But there has been a brutal cut in the Seven Sisters' circulation. The legislation against American Family Publishers and Publishers Clearing House has soured consumers on the notion of buying their magazine subscriptions from sweepstakes houses. Since most of the Seven Sisters have relied in the past on attracting a majority of subscribers through sweepstakes campaigns, subscriptions are down.

So they are retooling their images. The 117-year-old Ladies' Home Journal had a first in its February issue: a sex column, "Behind Closed Doors," which according to the magazine's table of contents "takes a new look at making love — and making it better." A recent cover line on Ladies' Home Journal included "Grown-Up Sexxx: He Needs It, You'll Love It."

The media noticed. After Fuller left, Janet Hurley of the Toronto Star wrote in 1999, "If you picked up this month's Glamour thinking it was Cosmopolitan, you're forgiven - likely a lot of other readers are doing the same thing."

With breathless, exclamatory declarations about sex, as well as astrological predictions and top hair styles for the new year, Glamour and Cosmo seem to have morphed into one. [...] It's a tone increasingly adopted not only by Glamour, but also by Mademoiselle, New Woman and a host of other interchangeable women's magazines - and that's why I'm not a big fan of these narrowly focused publications.

White's Cosmo certainly focused on men, but in a different way than Brown's had: White wanted even men to enjoy Cosmo, including a special section of the magazine actually intended for the opposite sex to read about how to please women (perhaps partially in a response to the success of men's magazine like Maxim and GQ). In 2005, she expanded the "fun fearless female" category, honoring the first Fun Fearless Male (Josh Duhamel).

But as much as all this sex and interest in the opposite sex might have excited the press, the magazine still published much of the same content under the same editorial paradigm. A story like "Why Rape Victims Are Speaking Out" still ran alongside a detailed explanation of what the shape of his butt means about his personality ("Not all experts agree, but it is fascinating"). Yet the legacy from White's time at the helm is sex sex sex – because she wanted it to be that way.


Since Coles joined the magazine in 2012, she's spent her time being the star that she is. She's touted her relationships with high-profile female members of the media like Mika Brzezinski and Sheryl Sandberg and worked their stories into the content of the magazine. She's been the subject of countless articles about Cosmo's growing political content, its focus on reproductive rights, its interest in emphasizing the importance of career success. (Even her assistant has gotten his own profile.) At Fun Fearless Life, which she emceed, Coles effusively introduced speakers, ribbed her employees, interviewed celebrities like Kelly Osbourne and Gabrielle Union, and prompted outright fawning and speechlessness from her readers.

But Coles' greatest accomplishment has been building upon the work of her predecessors—not by changing the content of the magazine as much as managing to convince an audience outside of Cosmo's readers that she has done so. She has combined White's sexy legacy that modernized the publication and added readers while vocally realigning herself with Gurley Brown's now-praised legacy of empowering young single women to care about themselves first and foremost. And she has done it by incorporating attitudes and ideas developed by the very kind of website you are reading right now: websites that were created, in part, as an alternative to advertiser-influenced, Cosmo-style content. Cosmo has come so far as to interview the very woman who founded Jezebel, Anna Holmes, about how she got that job. As she told Jill Filipovic, Holmes had started out working for a woman's magazine herself: Glamour.

I had this idea that I would supplement the more bread-and-butter sex and relationship stuff with serious content, but that was not the case. I was interviewing sex and relationship experts over and over again. It was soul-destroying. I felt increasingly disgusted and bored and contemptuous of the sorts of stories I had to write, many of which felt made up by top editors. There was one in particular that I believe the headline was, "What Is Your Secret Sex Personality?" I didn't know what that meant and I don't even know what it's supposed to mean now, but I successfully pulled something out of my ass to make them happy.

I was also working at Condé Nast. Even if Glamour isn't fancy the way Vogue is, a lot of the company is about portraying a lifestyle that people aspire to, which is very much about materialism and wealth. I didn't like that. The company seemed to be populated only by white people, and the only people who were black were the mailroom and cafeteria workers. I really did not like that. Which might explain why when Jezebel launched we went after Condé Nast more than other companies. I had a chip on my shoulder, which I don't apologize for.

Holmes started Jezebel in 2007, and for myself and many of my peers, the site was a welcome replacement or at least addition to the uniform content that we'd grown up loving but had slowly became disillusioned with. The same thing was happening all across the web, at that point: blogs were recreating the idea of what a story was and how it could be told. For some women who had grown up reading traditionally prescriptive women's publications, this change felt like a bigger deal—a more personal deal, even—than just being able to read gossip at the click of a button. It felt like the very idea of what women wanted, and of what women could want, was changing, expanding, growing.

Less than a decade later, Coles and her team have taken the work of women's websites like Jezebel–and The Frisky, The Cut, Feministing, The Root, xoJane, Bustle etc.–which have demonstrated that being an edgy, flawed woman could be advertiser-friendly, within reason. As other non-women's sites have done with their web competitors, Cosmo has recognized that in a new media landscape with endlessly flowing content, keeping up with the Joneses requires more than it once did: it requires taking in the whole media landscape, not just the Seven-plus Sisters.


"Hearing your stories has made the whole effort of this weekend worth it," Coles told her rapt audience at Fun Fearless Life on its second day, hardly looking exhausted, despite her protestations that she was hungover yet again. She addressed the concerns of the many attendees present who felt like they were "stuck" and couldn't figure out what their goal in life should be. Your life has clues, she said, but it takes time to look back and reflect on those clues.

"I promise you if you turn detective on yourself, you will find what you are looking for."

"The core audience has always been the single young woman in her 20s, making her way in the world—the career woman who wants the manicure, the MBA and the man," Hearst Magazines President David Carey said in August in one of many articles about the new magazine. "That was the traditional Helen Gurley Brown concept: You can have it all—personal success, career success, and success in relationships. That concept was genius. Joanna has taken that core DNA and updated it."

"One of my issues with women's magazines is that you could open them up and you're not sure what decade they're from," Coles told The Daily Beast for that same piece. "I want people to understand that this is a magazine about what we're living through now."

What Coles is likely referring to is evergreen women's magazine content: stuff on cooking dinner, why he hasn't called, the best ways to approach hair removal. But the coverage of other more "serious" topics women's magazines have done over the years hasn't really shifted that much either: we're still worried—we still have to worry—about equal pay, family, and reproduction, on a personal and political level. In early May, The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy praised Cosmo for winning their first National Magazine Award for their September 2013 article about birth control:

Our fearless leader, Sarah Brown, is quoted in the first paragraph as saying "If no one talks about birth control, how can we expect young women to use it? Well, thanks to Cosmo, people are talking about it. And thanks to the smart folks at the American Society of Magazine Editors, Cosmo has been recognized for their public service and extraordinary commitment to women everywhere."

Shortly before that win, Think Progress's Tara Culp-Ressler wrote a well-meaning but ultimately overstating article picked up by Amanda Marcotte at Slate titled "Why Cosmo Is Getting Serious About Its Reproductive Rights Coverage." In this piece, Culp-Ressler wrote that it was "new" that Cosmo was "persistent[ly]" focused on reproductive rights. She interviewed website editor Amy Odell, another recent Cosmo hire (with whom I crossed paths during a stint at BuzzFeed) who has cropped up again and again in the news as the poster child and fellow architect of nu-Cosmo:

"The reception has been incredible — it's been enormously gratifying to see such high engagement with our audience around these issues," Odell said. "One challenge of working on the internet, as all of we online editors know, is getting people to care about hard news as opposed to what Kim Kardashian wore an hour ago. Of course we're happy to keep readers filled in on what Kim Kardashian is wearing, but we do see stronger social engagement and traffic on stories about women who get harassed at abortion clinics by protesters."

Few pushed back on Culp-Ressler's message (or, for that matter, at Odell's tenuous implication that the magazine's increase in traffic is substantially due to their increase in stories about abortion rather than building up a team that can pump out content about breaking celebrity gossip), save for former Jezebel writer Irin Carmon, who pointed out that Cosmo has a long history of being pro-choice, linking to an excerpt of Jennifer Scanlon's book on Helen Gurley Brown that addressed the topic.

"thanks! very cool" Culp-Ressler replied.

Flavorwire's Elisabeth Donnelly followed that piece with "It's Time to Start Taking 'Cosmopolitan' Seriously" as a peg to their National Magazine Award, to which Coles tweeted "Start????" From Donnelly's piece:

Over the last year, American Cosmo has become secretly awesome—although you wouldn't necessarily guess that was the case from the headlines. Maybe smart content is the new sex tip? Coles hasn't even been at the helm of the Cosmo ship for two years, and the changes that she's making are fascinating to see. Balancing smart stuff with Cosmo's heritage seems like a challenge, but it's there in the magazine. The rest of the media just needs to be talking about it more.

The rest of the media couldn't be talking about nu-Cosmo more if it that was all they wrote about. (Though compared to the endless coverage of male-dominated media properties, it's probably a good, if frustrating, thing that Cosmo is being discussed at this volume, even if the coverage points out how little most media reporters actually pay attention to publications targeting women and their relevance.) Pieces have cropped up in The Atlantic Wire about the popularity of hiring feminists to write for women's magazines, as well as in The Cut and The Columbia Journalism Review. The list goes on. A good deal of the coverage praised Cosmo for hiring the aforementioned noted feminist Jill Filipovic to cover reproductive rights, similar to the attention Elle received when they hired Rebecca Traister and Amanda Fortini. "Hot Spring Trend: Hiring a Feminist Blogger at Your Women's Magazine" now-Gawker writer Allie Jones' Wire piece was titled. "Cosmopolitan.com hires Jill Filipovic, burnishes feminist cred" Capital New York wrote.

Filipovic told Capital that she thought the move might seem "slightly unorthodox," adding that she was encouraged to join the publication after she started noticing the website more and more on Facebook, with her friends posting "serious political and feminist content." Terms weren't exactly defined here; while once Cosmo was considered feminist for encouraging women to focus on their careers and letting them know they could have sex outside of marriage, now the bar seemed to be higher, or at least shifted.

But is it that Cosmo has drastically changed or is it that Filipovic and her peers are noticing it for the first time at its own request? These pieces written about how much Cosmo have changed have been written by people who obviously haven't read very much Cosmo to begin with. Cosmo has always had feminists writing for them (famously, Gloria Steinem and Nora Ephron)—in fact, so have all women's magazines (ahem, Joan Didion at Vogue). The New York Times, when reporting on Coles' ascension to the position of editor-in-chief, even noted that it was Brown who had "remade [the magazine] by latching on to feminism and the sexual revolution."

So why is it so shocking that Cosmo is feminist now?

Some of it is the apparent ease with which Cosmo has embraced the word and still managed to make money off of ad sales from makeup companies and clothing brands. That way was paved for them by online publications, who will always be allowed to have a slightly sharper voice than a traditional women's magazine. By contrast, Cosmo and its peers on the newsstand have been given room to adopt a tone that's less inherently ridiculous and more slightly biting–something that was noted when it increased its sex content in the '90s.

These tone changes become possible when there is a demonstrated market for them. Feminists writing for Cosmo after its reincarnation in the 1960s weren't always happy with what they were writing; as Ephron wrote rather cheekily of Gurley Brown in Esquire in 1970, "She is demonstrating, rather forcefully, that there are over 1,000,000 American women who are willing to spend sixty cents to read not about politics, not about the female-liberation movement, not about the war in Vietnam, but merely about how to get a man." But—though it might seem obvious to state—as the status of women in the United States has slowly improved, the content women have demanded and that has been made available to them has changed. (There was once a time when men exclusively ran women's publications, after all.)

The journalistic world has opened up in tandem. Women in media today demonstrate a clear excitement over what they're getting to write about—there is a range of topics available to them, and the company they're in is strong. Writers don't have to feel like they're selling out by contributing to a women's publication; instead, they're respected by the rest of their media peers. Women like Jane Marie, formerly of The Hairpin, now penning a weekly interview series with married couples, or Nell Scovell, or Roxane Gay, or Katie Heaney of BuzzFeed, or Jen Doll, or Jessica Grose, or comedian Michelle Markowitz or Caroline Moss of Business Insider or Jessica Bennett of Time, or several former Jezebel writers—just to name a few recent Cosmo contributors—can feel fully proud of a Cosmo byline, in part because it's now getting due recognition from a host of non-women's publications.

If you're looking at it from a certain angle, Cosmo and its peers can serve as a tangible representation of the history of the recent feminist movement. Once upon a time, some of the women who wrote for women's magazines had to ignore their own issues with those publications, but they eventually were able to gain access to other publishing circles and to move away from "lipstick and lasagna"-type content. Now that the magazines have caught up to those writers' sensibilities, the two have been able to converge. If there's still a gap in intentions, it's at least shrunk considerably over the years. We can think of blogs like Feministing and Jezebel, then, like consciousness-raising circles: one hopes we reach a point where they're no longer a necessary anecdote to a flawed system, but simply a cohesive part of an improved landscape.


Much of Cosmo's current shift is visible on the magazine's digital side. Under the leadership of Odell, the redesigned site's traffic doubled in a year, and they'd like to get to 100 million unique visitors a month. This week, they were named the Hottest Magazine in Digital by AdWeek, which noted that "Cosmopolitan.com now attracts more traffic than the websites of Glamour, InStyle and Vogue combined."

A big part of that is due to a shakeup at Hearst in how all brand websites were run. Last fall, Troy Young separated Cosmopolitan.com away from the rest of the Cosmopolitan staff, putting all of the Hearst property websites together in one big start-up-esque think tank. ("The situation is already sparking tension within Hearst over the types of stories that run online," reported Ad Age, rather ominously.)

The New Cosmopolitan & the Slow Climb Out of Lipstick-and-Lasagna Land

In July, the site was the first of Hearst publications to get a full "relaunch." "Welcome to the Sexy New Cosmopolitan.com," proclaimed Odell in a post. Along with a special cats and hunks banner, the site prominently featured Filipovic's piece on abortion stigma in the state of Texas. On later days, the banner was changed to pineapples, to stalks of wheat, to whipped cream, to Christmas lights. This is the Cosmo that Cosmo wants you to see: balancing fun and seriousness with a very large dose of celebrity.

Internet commenters should generally be taken with a bag of salt, but the revamp didn't go over universally well on the site's Facebook page, where there were comments on everything ranging from the quality of the content and writers, to the amount of sex content, to "repeat stories"—stories that appear to be pushed to the site's Facebook page more than once. Cosmo staff was on the offensive about those comments, especially towards those who said they focused too much on un-serious celebrity content.

The New Cosmopolitan & the Slow Climb Out of Lipstick-and-Lasagna Land

The day after the launch of the new site, Cosmo published a piece by Filipovic called "Why Don't More People Call Themselves Feminists?" The piece was heavily publicized on social media, asking women and men to respond to the question and retweeted answers with the hashtag #FacesOfFeminism.

This social interaction is a big part of nu-Cosmo, as anyone who follows them on Twitter can see. Take a look at how the voice of their Twitter account has shifted over just the past few years:


This Cosmo voice was in full force at Fun Fearless Life: Senior Community Manager Elisa Benson giggled her way through reading tweets sent out by the crowd out loud (she spent the days, in her words, "basically stalking all of you") while endlessly encouraging people to use the #FunFearlessLife hashtag (her goal was 10,000 tweets for the weekend). At one point, Coles faux-chastised Benson, apparently DMing her a message that read, "You've gotten way too much stage time."

As Cosmo has shifted its branding of its content and its web presence has grown, they've seen lots of love and lots of hate about the changes. But as is the way with the Letters to the Editor published by every magazine out there, there's been mostly praise featured—specifically praise directed at nu-Cosmo: numerous issues from the recent months includes letters from readers who love the changes.

"I appreciate the changes Cosmo is making," Megan M. of Richmond, Ind., wrote in the January 2014 issue. "I still have my confessions and makeup, hair, and sex tips, but I like how you're now covering political and work issues and news stories. It feels like a real, relevant magazine."

"I have been reading Cosmo since I was 15 and I love the changes that Cosmo has seen in the last year!" wrote Kayla V, of Bellport, N.Y. [emphasis theirs]. "With all your love and sex advice, you have added so much about being a fun, fearless female. Plus the inside tips about how to rock my career are great! I absolutely love it."

Others not featured in the magazine are less certain. Ashley Rogers, a reader who chimed in on Breslaw's reddit AMA, told me that this was the first year she didn't have a subscription to Cosmo in over 15 years. It's because she misses the Kate White days:

It's possible that the magazine is just geared toward a younger audience, and maybe as I'm nearing 30 I no longer 'understand' it. I always felt like Kate White was the fun, fearless female. She was educated, successful (in so many aspects), but understood that women still wanted to be women. With the new editorial takeover, I feel like the "fearless" has been removed. Cosmo has always featured sex prominently in its pages, but lately it feels more for shock factor. Growing up, I remember learning about birth control, STDs, things that were incredibly beneficial to me during a time when I was becoming sexually active. In all sincerity, I learned more from Cosmo than I did any other entity. It was educational for me. It taught me how to be a strong, independent woman who owned my sexuality.

I feel like more and more it is centering on celebrities and fashion. For me, that's just not what Cosmo is about. Cosmo isn't about looking good for a man. Cosmo is about loving who you are and realizing any man who doesn't see that isn't worth your time. Cosmo isn't about pleasing your man. Cosmo is about learning what pleases you, and speaking up to work WITH your partner, so you will BOTH be satisfied.

The bit about not wanting to please a man doesn't quite align with the basic understanding, however unfair, that Cosmo is chock-full of man-pleasing tips. The shift has certainly come as a surprise to longtime readers now engaging with their new web content; battles have broken out in the comment sections over clashes in ideologies. It's clear that an established readership of the magazine with perhaps more traditional ideals about what "women's interest" means is battling a new readership that was brought up on websites like, well, the one you're reading now. The transition from being a publication known primarily for its man-pleasing content to one that puts out pieces about "mind-blowing lesbian sex positions" was never going to be entirely smooth.

In that regard, Cosmo has just begun to face the wealth of criticism about being inclusive enough of all types of women that most writers and publications get when they begin to tackle more controversial topics under a generally feminist banner. Some of their online feedback suggests that a portion of their readership wouldn't mind a return to the "lipstick-and-lasagna ghetto" of women's magazines.

"Cosmo, I love you for sex tips and articles about where to get the best beauty products. Stop trying to be a grown up mag and comment on politics, it just makes you look as ridiculous as one of your readers would if they were to attempt the same thing," one woman wrote on a piece about whether or not Macklemore wore a racist costume for one his shows. Pieces about "anti-rape" underwear or "11 Things You Should Never Say to a Fat Girl" have prompted other similar outbursts. On the latter post, which started arguments between those who were in favor of this type of body empowerment and those who were… let's say, less open-minded about it, one woman wrote this:

Doesn't anybody see the irony of this article being in Cosmo? Women's magazines like Cosmo exist and profit by making women feel like they constantly need to improve something, whether it be their bodies, sex life, wardrobe, or make-up. Has anyone ever felt BETTER about themselves after reading Cosmo? I don't think so. The fact that Cosmo is now trying to pander to bigger women is laughable - women's magazines and their super-airbrushed, perfectly-Photoshopped images of women are what's WRONG with the portrayal of women in media!

(On photoshopping, a topic that got Jezebel both some of its early fame and some of its relatively recent criticism: Coles argued that Cosmo does only "light touchups" on its photos.)

The role of celebrities, photoshopped or not, is another way Cosmo's brand has evolved. Celebrities have and always will be a huge part of media content. But while Coles and her coworkers have vocally discussed the magazine's political stances, they've been less overt about how they've developed their relationship with celebrity content. Cosmo certainly has had some big names on their covers recently (photoshopped or not), names that have seemed bigger due to the association the brand has courted with these women over social media. Stars like Chrissy Teigen and Kaley Cuoco have tweeted and retweeted their covers and the subsequent articles about them, demonstrating a bond not just with the magazine but with Coles herself. (At a time in which much criticism has been thrown the way of Miley Cyrus, the magazine has also notably made it clear they are Team Miley.)

The New Cosmopolitan & the Slow Climb Out of Lipstick-and-Lasagna Land

And this extends to the readers: Cosmo has emphasized a new type of connection through Cosmo Live, their weekly edit meeting with the digital team that airs live. Attendees have included Olympian Gracie Gold and actor Joe Manganiello, who chat with the web editors (plus their "shirtless hunk CJ Richards") as readers Skype and tweet in questions and suggest story ideas. It's like the celebrity Q&A they do with cover stars in the magazine (see left, from November 2014), but even more personal; in sessions like this, Cosmo has managed to make the barrier between celebrity and normal person seem much smaller, while still lofting those women up as role models to aspire to be. It's a tricky balance, one made easier through an ultimately overwhelmingly positive attitude. Celebrities don't have to worry that Cosmo might be critical of them, the way they have to with other publications, and Cosmo gets the benefit of pageviews and attention from sometimes less flattering coverage of those interviews on the websites of their competitors.

Nu-Cosmo's strands of politics, celebrity and slight internet-friendly edge have come together in pieces like the one by former 90210 star AnnaLyne McCord, who spoke to the magazine in May for a heavily-publicized piece about her experience with sexual assault, or Gabrielle Union's recent piece about having her nude photos hacked and stolen from her. During a Fun Fearless Life interview session between Coles and Kelly Osbourne, Osbourne used the word "fuck" and then apologetically asked, "Can I swear?"

"You can absolutely swear," Coles said. "It's Cosmo."

The New Cosmopolitan & the Slow Climb Out of Lipstick-and-Lasagna Land

Joanna Coles with Jennifer Ashton, Jillian Michaels and Kelly Osbourne at Fun Fearless Life

Cosmo uber-fans, aka attendees of the conference, seem to love the heightened celebrity content: the whole weekend saw successful people telling you, Oprah-style, how to live your best life. They were interviewed and even helped out at the conference, becoming a bigger part of the two days than the sexy-sex content the magazine was once known for. Despite the fact that Coles said she believes having a fulfilling home life is an important part of life and of Cosmo's "legacy," the aforementioned Teigen moderated the only brief panel about dating and relationships, called "Manthropology"—the same name as a magazine section devoted to debunking what men think about dating and sex. ("Nobody usually allows models to say anything," a game Teigen told the audience, "so it's weird to be up here.")

"Our culture makes it look like success comes easily, but the celebs in Cosmo are paddling like crazy under the surface–that's why we love them," Coles wrote in her letter from the editor in January.

Just like that, the celebrities were framed not just as celebrities but as women who decided what they wanted and went after it, while dealing with struggles and setbacks along the way. Helen Gurley Brown once taught her readers that anyone can make themselves whatever they want to be, and nu-Cosmo hasn't strayed from that message: for all their articles on reproductive rights and other political issues, it was a conversation about getting what you want career-wise that dominated the conference. Coles might be discussing how proud she is of headlines like "I Feel Lucky That I Can Wear What I Want, Sleep With Who I Want And Dance How I Want And Still Be A Feminist" in interviews, but feminism with a capital F was just a subtext at Fun Fearless Life, as were other women's magazine staples, like dating or health.

Instead it was the overall betterment of the individual that was the focus, a message that has truly been the center of the publication and the brand—as well as, honestly, all legacy women's media throughout modern history, no matter what each editor has emphasized. On Saturday, during lunch, attendees were given a post-it and instructed to write their name, occupation, and "celebrity spirit animal" on it. These post-its were to be used to spark conversations during the break, with the intention that these conversations would help them form "weak ties" with other women that could turn into important connections, per a talk given by psychologist Dr. Meg Jay.

During the lunch, women clustered together while waiting in line for $8 caprese sandwiches and $4 apple juices and introduced themselves to each other. Petite Linda in marketing and IT who feels connected to Angelina Jolie; Sophia in the black blazer, also in marketing and IT, who loves Ivanka Trump; blonde Kelly, in marketing and who loves Kerry Washington—they all found common ground. How could they not? They'd all chosen to be there for the same amorphous purpose: to find what will make them most happy.

Though that same week Cosmo got press for getting women to vote via a bus of shirtless male models, there was little political involvement at Fun Fearless Life. Rather, the event was focused on the core DNA that Cosmo and all women's magazines have historically been focused on selling: You You You can be as awesome as We We We say you can.

Most attendees appeared to have come with a friend or two, and according to Cosmo, they came from all over: Copenhagen, Mexico, Los Angeles, Houston, Dallas. The politics so loudly discussed by the magazine were barely in sight, save for a brief mention of online harassment by the CEO of Twitter during a talk with Odell about "building your brand" online. The stuff considered feminism in the news media wasn't obviously on display either, though a video of Megyn Kelly shutting down an idiotic Fox News contributor over his archaic thoughts about women in the workforce got a rousing response, as did Gabrielle Union's message to women who find their former partners have shared nude photos of them without their permission: "I want you all to be the woman who did something about it."

"I was expecting a lot of people in jeans and stuff, but people are dressed up, so that's good," one woman said to a friend as she waited in line to get her makeup done by a Maybelline makeup artist, before getting her picture taken, before browsing the options at the Express pop-up shop. (The event cost between $100 and $400 for Bronze to Diamond-level tickets, but was still heavily sponsored, with executives from both companies appearing on panels. There were also video interludes to "check in" with a Maybelline make-up artist doing his work backstage and multiple raffles for Express gift cards).

The truth of nu-Cosmo is not just their emphasis that you should pay attention to their new stuff, but also what they are starting to add, after the fact: that they're just the same as they've ever been. But there's another thing that they'll point out even less often: It's their environment, above all, that's changed, and so their spin has to as well. Where will Cosmo go from here? Wherever the media landscape continues to take them.

While there was mention of giving back and charity work at Fun Fearless Life, it's Cosmo's competitors that have made community a more obvious part of their brand lately. In conjunction with their annual Women of the Year awards, Glamour has started a campaign to encourage readers to donate money to help send girls around the world to school. Recently, Marie Claire's editor declared that she still believed they were a "fashion magazine with a conscience." While Cosmo's focus on women becoming their best selves doesn't preclude them from helping make a difference, the focus is clearly on the individual doing whatever they want to do for themselves, which will in turn help the world by proxy.

On a larger scale, whether they start drastically increasing content about politics and social justice or not, legacy women's publications owned by companies like Hearst or Conde Nast will never get far away from the need to appeal to advertisers, who ultimately are selling to individuals, not causes. Platforms like, let's say, Gawker Media, still need to appeal to those advertisers as well, but their demands are fewer: the costs of running an internet publication are much lower. Upon the completion of Fun Fearless Life, Cosmo sent a survey email to readers to get some feedback on how the event went for next year's planning. After questions like "Who did you attend FFL with?" and "Since leaving the event, what actions, if any, have you taken?", there was substantial space devoted to what impact of advertisers made on attendees, like "How does knowing that a brand has an association with Cosmo's FFL impact your opinion of that company?" and "How would you rate our sponsor brand's activations? Think about how they added to the FFL experience overall."

Concern about advertisers is something that magazines that are part of big companies will never escape, which is, in part, why they each feel a need to so clearly define their brand. Jezebel, for instance, has gotten numerous questions over the years about why it has never come out as an explicitly feminist publication. It hasn't been demanded of each editor that they answer those questions in the way that Cosmo and its competitors have had to define and make clear to readers and advertisers what they're all about—demands that, it should be noted, aren't made of men at really any type of publication. That's one benefit of starting new: no legacy, no strings.

After lunch on the first day of Fun Fearless Life, I settled in to watch the second set of talks. Two young women sat down behind me. It was clear they'd never met. One began to express her frustration with her current life—she seemed to be a post-grad unclear about her future options. "I told my mom I don't want to go to Thanksgiving this year because I don't want to get that question, 'What are you doing?'" she said. But this, she said of Fun Fearless Life, "makes you want to go home and do something."

Her new friend felt similarly. "People are like, 'So, do you like your job?' And you can't be like, 'No, it sucks,'" she said sympathetically. Then, as the lights dimmed, they shared another bit of common ground: their mutual excitement over getting to see Chrissy Teigen and an upcoming appearance by Shay Mitchell of Pretty Little Liars.

"I'm obsessed with Pretty Little Liars," one said, her job frustrations momentarily forgotten; the other agreed. Teigen would be onstage soon. There was another fun fearless female to emulate, a new life to go after.

Image by Jim Cooke, Photo via Getty

Your Guide to CIA Torture and Its Sick, Sad American Apologists

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Your Guide to CIA Torture and Its Sick, Sad American Apologists

In one of its last acts before Republicans take leadership, the Senate intelligence committee today released another report again acknowledging that yes, the United States tortured people in the war and terror—and no, it didn't really help much. Here's what we know today.

How did we torture people?

Well, there's the waterboarding, which even a machismo-obsessed Oxfordian could see was torture seconds into a grandstanding attempt to endure it. Today's report confirms that even the interrogators saw waterboarding sessions against 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Muhammad as "a series of near drownings":

But there's so much more. Here are some practices the Army's interrogation manual (now) expressly prohibits—practices U.S. forces, their hired goons, and their international proxies have all been accused of using since 9/11:

  • Forcing the detainee to be naked, perform sexual acts, or pose in a sexual manner.
  • Placing hoods or sacks over the head of a detainee; using duct tape over the eyes.
  • Applying beatings, electric shock, burns, or other forms of physical pain.
  • "Waterboarding."
  • Using military working dogs.
  • Inducing hypothermia or heat injury.
  • Conducting mock executions.
  • Depriving the detainee of necessary food, water, or medical care.

And more. Detainees under U.S. supervision in places like Guantanamo have turned up dead, with legs battered to the point of liquefaction. This excerpt from today's Senate report is illustrative:

Your Guide to CIA Torture and Its Sick, Sad American Apologists

Other detainees have been handed over to sadism-happy global allies and simply disappeared. As security reporter Spencer Ackerman put it for Wired last year: "More Than 50 Countries Helped the CIA Outsource Torture." From today's report:

The tragic truth of the matter is that we don't know the full extent of what awful shit was done to people in the name of American security, and nothwithstanding today's release, we probably never will.

Why did we torture people?

Ostensibly, it was to extract intelligence out of terrorists to prevent future attacks against Americans. In the face of years of evidence disputing this thesis, much of the op-ed and TV pushback from Bush-era architects of the torture policy amounts to: "Nuh-uh." The amount of ink spilled over whether torture is "effective" in the past decade and a half has been breathtaking. (Not as breathtaking as waterboarding, of course.)

The Senate report released today, however, again says torture was ineffective: Every one of 20 major cases cited as successes by torture defenders was overblown or "found to be wrong in fundamental respects." Worse, the report says, the CIA deliberately lied to perpetuate the idea that inflicting pain and distress got shit done:

But lefty security reporter Marcy Wheeler, formerly of The Intercept, points out that U.S. officials have historically cited another justification: "exploitation," an ominous catchall referring to captors' use of prisoners for, well, whatever. Want to know specifics? Too bad. Here's what the definition looks like in a previous Senate torture report:

Your Guide to CIA Torture and Its Sick, Sad American Apologists

Perhaps exploitation includes coercing prisoners to work for U.S. interests after their release. Perhaps it includes forced participation in U.S. messaging—or, as Wheeler bluntly puts it, "propaganda."

How can anybody defend this?

First, by denying that it's torture. Remember the "enhanced interrogation techniques" meme? (Early rumors that even today's Senate report would avoid the word "torture" were, in fact, untrue; the word appears 131 times.)

But defining torture down is not good enough for our uniformed service members. The Army now tells its soldiers to not only respect existing laws and regulations, but to use a moral litmus test: "If the proposed approach technique were used by the enemy against one of your fellow soldiers, would you believe the soldier had been abused?"

Of course, many torture defenders argue that these techniques were in fact adapted from practices U.S. service members voluntarily endure when they opt to take SERE training: "survival, evasion, resistance, and escape" schooling. But those schools are meant to instruct pupils on how to endure torture by American enemies, who presumably would stoop to such brutal means. And the researcher who adapted those techniques for interrogation told the New Yorker back in 2005 how much he regretted doing so.

Second, by denying that it's torture when you use it against your allegedly animalistic, inhuman "enemy." This is the gutter-id reasoning of many of our countrymen who voted for the Cheneys and defended the Haydens. Here's a self-identified former county Republican chairman from Georgia who claims to have served in Iraq and Afghanistan:

Third, by pretending some fucking good comes out of it. Proponents have long argued that "enhanced" interrogation of Al Qaeda members Hassan Ghul and Khalid Sheikh Muhammad led to the jihadi courier who led Americans to find and kill Osama bin Laden. Except Ghul spilled about the courier before those techniques were used, and Muhammad offered a bevy of false information to interrogators while under duress.

It didn't help that they'd already been in custody for years and any information they could provide was likely stale by the time the waterboard came out.

Finally, many of torture's defenders are having a meta-argument: that regardless of what was done in the past, no good will come out of releasing this report now. It may inflame those darned angry primitive Mooslins to kill helpless Marines.

Sound familiar? That's because it was used as an argument against releasing photos of prisoner abuses by U.S. soldiers at Abu Ghraib. Weirdly, it also mirrors the Obama administration's stance when it blamed the 2012 Benghazi U.S. consulate attacks on an incendiary anti-Muslim video on YouTube—an argument ridiculed by many of the conservatives who are opposing today's torture-report release.

Will Tuesday's release change anything?

No. For one thing, it's being painted as partisan, which is kind of laughable, since plenty of Democrats join most Republicans in defending the infliction of pain on captives. (A few Republicans and most independents have also come out against torture—"This is not America," Sen. Angus King (I-Maine), a member of the Senate intelligence committee, told CNN today.)

For another thing, everybody's really tired of war and wants to move on from what America did and had done to it. And those Americans that are willing to pay much attention are the pro-torture type. Since 2005, torture has steadily gained more popularity among U.S. poll respondents. More than two-thirds said torture was justified in some circumstances earlier this year. Torture, in other words, was more popular than President Obama and Congress combined.

Finally, getting most Americans to care about swarthy captives from foreign countries with a different religion after September 11 is asking a lot. The Bush administration never lost an election by suggesting otherwise.

So what can we do now?

It may seem perverse, but the only way to even extract an acknowledgement of wrongdoing from—or attach a never-ending stigma of guilt to—bloodthirsty man-jackals like Richard Cheney is to pardon them for their role in justifying and encouraging the torture of fellow human beings.

ACLU executive director Anthony Romero takes this tack in a recent New York Times op-ed, arguing that at this point only immunity will enable honesty. By doing nothing now, Romero says, the government is "essentially granting tacit pardons for torture." Issuing official pardons for torturers "may be the only way to establish, once and for all, that torture is illegal."

If nothing else, there's something morally powerful about offering forgiveness to the worst disgracers of American values and humane sensibility. Forgiveness is not easy, which is precisely what distinguishes it from the brutality it addresses.


Dog Snuggles With Best Dog Friend Having a Bad Dream

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You ever have a bad dream where you're running down a long hallway away from the bad guys, but the hallway just keeps getting longer and longer and you know you're never gonna make it?

It sure would be nice if you had a best pal to wake you up, let you know you're having a bad dream, and then snuggle with you until you fall back asleep. Above is Goldendoodle Laika doing just that for Jackson, a Double Doodle (half Goldendoodle, half Labradoodle).

[H/t People]

Report: Sean Eldridge Wants to Be the “First Openly Gay President”

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Report: Sean Eldridge Wants to Be the “First Openly Gay President”

The Daily Beast’s Jamie Kirchick has written a long overdue dissection of the most prominent gay couple in politics: embattled New Republic ownerand Facebook millionaire Chris Hughes and twice-failed Congressional candidate Sean Eldridge. While the whole essay is worth reading, what sticks out is a rumor buried in the twenty-third paragraph:

Eldridge’s political ambition is not likely to be satiated. Several years ago, before he ever announced his candidacy, a source close to Eldridge told me that he had SKDKnickerbocker draw up a plan for him to become the first openly gay president of the United States (Eldridge was born in Canada and until recently held both Canadian and Israeli citizenship, which would make it difficult to overcome the Constitution's natural-born citizenship clause). Expect the couple to find another mansion in a safe Democratic district where an aging representative is expected to retire.

Let’s quote that again:

A source close to Eldridge told me that he had SKDKnickerbocker draw up a plan for him to become the first openly gay president of the United States.

Eldridge is currently 28 years old (Hughes is 31), so this would have taken place when Eldridge was approximately...25 years old, give or take? U.S. Presidents must be at least 35 years old, which means SKDKnickerbocker was apparently tasked with writing a decade-long roadmap to elect Eldridge. And it’s not even that difficult to imagine what that plan would have entailed—because it would have entailed throwing around his husband’s money. Problem solved.

If you have a copy of this plan—and surely someone does—please send it to us immediately. The future of the Republic depends on it. Anonymity guaranteed.


Email the author: trotter@gawker.com · Photo credit: AP

The Voice Pretty Much Just a Sausage Fest Now

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The Voice Pretty Much Just a Sausage Fest Now

Watching The Voice's five semi-finalists perform last night, one question came to mind: How and when and why did this show become such a sausage fest?

This is not, of course, to take anything away from our five dude semi-finalists: Chris Jamison, Taylor John Williams, Craig Wayne Boyd, Damien and Matt McAndrew. They can all sing, they're all great, and yes, they all have some appeal with the ladies. But we've reached this point and we don't have ANYONE with two X chromosomes up there singing for a chance at questionable and temporary stardom? Does The Voice need some sort of affirmative action?

As the only woman involved at this point (other than those weird shadow dancers behind screens when Taylor John Williams performed), Gwen Stefani does bring estrogen a-plenty to 25% of the coaching panel. But she can't do it alone! Let's hope that one of the very deserving female contestants is brought back during tonight's wild card episode—I'm talking Anita Antoinette, Danica Shirey, Reagan James. And ok, fine, maybe even Sugar Joans. That would at least get Pharrell interested in this show again.

The Voice Pretty Much Just a Sausage Fest Now

This episode featured two performances by each of the semi-finalists, along with emotional homecoming clips.

Damien is, I think, the best singer left. He performed Michael Jackson's "She's Out of My Life," which was chosen by Adam, and did a version of Paula Cole's "I Don't Want to Wait" that prompted the shocking realization on my part that I still actually like that song. (Some credit must go to Adam for the bongo-heavy arrangement.) Damien got two homecomings—the first as he saw all of his old TSA agent pals while flying through LAX, and the second in his hometown of Monroe, Louisiana, where he gave a concert at a merry go round. Glamour!

Craig Wayne Boyd sang a fine version of Merle Haggard's "Working Man Blues," which was selected by Blake, but REALLY took it home with a version of the hymn "The Old Rugged Cross," with a backing string section and so much dry ice that it looked like he was actually standing on clouds. I'm sure Craig Wayne actually is a man of faith, but let's just say that choice also may have been strategic in locking in the country-fan voting block. After his performance, Pharrell asked, "What does it feel like to be at the top of your game and to surrender it to God in front of the whole world?" I would make an addendum and ask, "What does it feel like to be at the top of your game and to surrender it to God in front of the whole world while wearing a velvet blazer from Kohl's?" The answer to both is, "Pretty good," apparently.

Gwen chose The Swell Season's "Falling Slowly" for Taylor John Williams, because it's a song that he likes very much and has performed many times. I have a feeling that their coaching sessions are at this point her asking, "What do you want to do?" and him telling her, and then her going, "OK. You're a true artist." I also think that this kid is maybe over it. It could just be that he's extraordinarily Zen, but he doesn't appear to care about winning at all. Maybe his ever-present hat is some sort of Xanax dispenser? If so, where can I buy one? For his song choice, Taylor went with Taylor Swift's "Blank Space," which he spooked up a little, as is his custom. I thought it was one of the weaker performances of the night, but then the audience screamed for like 19 minutes when he was done, so what do I know. Taylor's visit home was revelatory in that we got to see all of the latest trends in dog outerwear.

The Voice Pretty Much Just a Sausage Fest Now

The Voice Pretty Much Just a Sausage Fest Now

Matt McAndrew is just plain great, with his neck tattoos and Harry Potter glasses and strikingly patterned button-down shirts and excellent singing capabilities. He did a version of Ed Sheeran's "Make It Rain," which was chosen by Adam, and then opted for U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" for his second number, showcasing not only his musical talents but his flexible knees.

The Voice Pretty Much Just a Sausage Fest Now

His homecoming package was adorable not only because he loves his mom so much, but because he's like the Pied Piper to little music students. "He's got a voice like an angel." I DIE.

And finally, Chris Jamison is for sure vying for the spot of Team Adam's teacher's pet, first by requesting to sing Maroon 5's new single, "Sugar," and then dressing in head to toe maroon while singing Bruno Mars' "When I Was Your Man," for some subliminal reinforcement. His version of the Maroon 5 song was notable primarily for this:

The Voice Pretty Much Just a Sausage Fest Now

And really, who am I to complain about the lack of female presence on this show when you have a bevy of backup dancers who are holding or standing in front of (but not playing!) instruments while wearing cut-off shorts that look like diapers? I stand corrected.

Tonight: The top three our revealed, and an eliminated contestant gets a wild card slot for the finals. Please let it be Anita or Danica!

[Videos and photos via NBC]

Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Follow @GawkerMA and read more about it here.

Did You Lose a Sheep in Christmas Sweater? Nebraska Has It

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Did You Lose a Sheep in Christmas Sweater? Nebraska Has It

Hey, drunk people: Did you decorate a sheep for Christmas this weekend? Did you then lose that sheep? If so, please report your drunken self to the Nebraska Humane Society and pick up your Christmas sheep.

The NHS has been holding onto the ram since Sunday, when animal control found the creature on the streets of Omaha dressed in the festive vest seen above.

According to a Humane Society spokesperson, "the sheep has a thick coat, so it likely didn't need the sweater for warmth." Nonetheless, they seem to have left the woolen wanderer in his holiday garb.

So far, authorities have been unable to locate its owner or "learn the animal's name," but, after careful inspection, officials deduced that the sweater "appears to have been designed for a dog."

UPDATE: Omaha's WOWT reports the sheep—apparently named Gage—has been reunited with his owner. If you lost a sheep this weekend this was not it.

Says owner Margaret: "I'm glad he wasn't eaten. People eat these things this time of year."

[Image via Twitter/Nebraska Humane Society]

Swiss McDonald's Treats Customers to Free Side of Softcore Porn

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Swiss McDonald's Treats Customers to Free Side of Softcore Porn

Ah, Switzerland, the land of chocolate, cuckoo clocks and, if you ask nicely, Big Macs served with a healthy helping of cunnilingus.

On Saturday, patrons of a McDonald's in Zuchwil, Switzerland were surprised to find a television playing pornography "at full volume," the country's 20 Minnuten reports.

Apparently the result of (unexpected) adult programing on a customer-requested sports channel, the sexy mistake went uncorrected for about an hour.

According to a McDonald's spokesperson, restaurant TVs are usually tuned to the largely porn-less Eurosport network, but employees sometimes change the channel "to please a customer."

[Image via Imgur//h/t Daily Mail]

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