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Anna Kendrick Knows a Dildo When She Sees One, And That Is a Furry Dildo

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If you try to slip anything past famous masturbation comedian Anna Kendrick, she is going to call you on your bullshit. That's what David Letterman learned when Kendrick felt compelled to point out that a cat toy that appeared earlier in the Late Show was really a furry dildo in disguise.

Once she says it, you know it's true. And yet, we still get extended closeups of Letterman playing with the thing. Thanks for the nightmares, Anna Kendrick. Enjoy the Christmas present.

[h/t BroBible]


Report: Selena Gomez Cried Over Justin Bieber at Taylor Swift's Party

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Report: Selena Gomez Cried Over Justin Bieber at Taylor Swift's Party

The wailing you heard emanating from Taylor Swift's Tribeca apartment last Friday was not a cat trying to escape Taylor's rigid grasp, but Selena Gomez, who was crying because no one understands her. Not even her boyfriend understands her.

Us Weekly reports that at Taylor's 25th birthday party, Selena was seen "getting emotional" over her on-again, off-again BF Justin Bieber.

She shouted, "No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn't even understand me," an insider tells Us, adding that bystanders...just stared at her.

OMG Selena, there were a lot of famous bystanders at this party. Did Beyoncé see you crying? Eeep!

Another source tells Us that everyone besides Selena was having a "total blast," so that's good. Selena, Tayla would have killed you if you ruined her party.

[Photo via Getty]

What Is The Best Pen?

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What Is The Best Pen?

For better or for worse, Gawker.com is run by humans—humans with needs, and man, we really need some pens.

It's not often 'round this rusty office-shed that our hands are put to use for anything other than clicking and clacking on our whirring computers. As the old adage goes, that's how the sausage gets made. Alas, we are reporters and writers first, and and when out in "the field" (journalism talk) we must scribble down our incoherent thoughts somewhere. Where? Notebooks. With what? Pens. (Note: Managing Editor Lacey Donohue has been using a pencil her entire life, which we'll leave you to address in the comments.)

Help us order some pens. As is the case with any internal decision tackled by the Gawker.com team, none of us can agree on what kind of pen is the best pen.

Since I am in charge of writing this plea for pen recommendations, this is the best pen.

This Is The Best Pen

What Is The Best Pen?

And for fairness, here is the second best pen.

The Second Best Pen

What Is The Best Pen?

In theory, this pen is great, but I always end up with this pen on my hands. Not recommended for lefties.

A Pen That Needs to Figure Its Shit Out But Can Work In a Pinch

What Is The Best Pen?

This pen is pretty good, unless you leave it in your bag for five years and then try to use it. Then it sucks.

The rest of the Gawker.com staff has their own idiosyncratic, kooky (and wrong) pen choices, which I will list for you here:

Tele-scopic Brights Slide Ballpoint 1.0mm

What Is The Best Pen?

Tom Scocca recommends this tiny smooth pen with a good clip that doesn't break.

uni-ball® Jetstream™ RT Retractable Rollerball Pens, 1.0 mm, Bold Point

What Is The Best Pen?

A choice from Jay Hathaway, who explained that this pen was voted Wirecutter's Best Pen. Like hell it was.

Bic 730

What Is The Best Pen?

Here is a pen suggested, without further comment, from Jordan Sargent. Looks okay but not great, Jordan!

"Zebra Pen"

What Is The Best Pen?

"some pens, like bic pens are too slow. others like those gel ones, the g2s or whatever. too fast. lead to illegible handwriting. the zebra pen strike a nice balance. it's about resistance" —Gawker News Editor Taylor Berman

If you made it to the end of this post about pens, congratulations. Welcome to the Pen15 Club. Join us in the comments as we argue about the best pens. Pen enthusiasts only.

[Images by Officesupplygeek.com/papier.com.mt/officesupplyhoarder.blogspot.com/fantasticman.com]

Wall Street Is a Leech

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Wall Street Is a Leech

The growth of Wall Street is detrimental to the health of America. Let's review.

The "finance sector" of our economy is like a utility, for money: just like the power companies direct power to where it needs to go at any given time, the financial companies direct money from those who have it to those who want to use it. That's really it. Most of the more arcane and impenetrable corners of finance that pose as "too complex" for the layman to understand are, at their core, legal scams, ripoffs, and skims, the benefits of which accrue to a relatively tiny group of talented hustlers.

It is an accepted fact that Wall Street's pay has become disconnected from whatever benefits Wall Street offers to our society as a whole. Wall Street's primary talent, in other words, lies not in directing money to its most efficient use, but in directing money into the pockets of Wall Street employees.

Today, as part of the Washington Post's ongoing series about the death of the middle class, another reminder: the financial sector is twice as big as it was 50 years ago—and average Wall Street pay has increased by 700% since the early 1980s, which is coincidentally the same time frame during which wealth inequality soared in America—and yet its growth has not benefited the overall economy, because, unlike many other industries, efficiency gains in finance do not benefit the consumer, they just mean more money for finance people. For example:

In perhaps the starkest illustration, economists from Harvard University and the University of Chicago wrote in a recent paper that every dollar a worker earns in a research field spills over to make the economy $5 better off. Every dollar a similar worker earns in finance comes with a drain, making the economy 60 cents worse off.

The Post notes that Financial firms pocket about 2 percent of the money that passes through their hands," a rate that is higher than it was 50 years ago, despite enormous efficiency gains. They cite research showing that the growth of the financial sector has sucked a great deal of talent away from other professions in which the people would have contributed much more to overall economic growth.

Wall Street is the leech. We are the host. It will keep on sucking until we burn it off.

[Photo: Flickr]

Man Shoots Texas TV Meteorologist in News Station's Parking Lot

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A man shot and wounded a central Texas television meteorologist in the news station's parking lot as he left the building after this morning's broadcast. The station, KCEN in Waco and Killeen, reports that morning show meteorologist Patrick Crawford was in the parking lot when a man came up to him and "exchanged words" with Crawford shortly before firing several shots with a semi-automatic hand gun.

Crawford managed to drive away from the scene for help before being transported to the hospital for treatment and surgery. The station now reports that Crawford is in recovery and "doing well." Authorities are still looking for the suspect, whom they describe as a white male in his 30s, wearing a dark hoodie and dark jeans.

At 7:08 AM, a couple of hours before the shooting, Crawford posted an image to his Instagram account showing the news team posing after he won an ugly sweater contest. According to his staff bio, after graduating from Northern Illinois University with a degree in meteorology, Crawford had previously worked at news stations in Louisiana, Arkansas, Arizona, and Illinois before going to KCEN.

[Video: Crawford presenting a forecast for WDSU in New Orleans in January 2012, via YouTube]


You can follow the author on Twitter or send him an email.

Jamie Dornan's Wild, Sexy Night at the Sex Dungeon

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Jamie Dornan's Wild, Sexy Night at the Sex Dungeon

You know how whenever you go to a sex dungeon you're always like, "Come on, guys, I know I'm not paying for this, but I am expecting a show"? Well, you're not going to believe this, but Jamie Dornan thought that exact thing when he went to a sex dungeon. For work!

The 50 Shades of Grey actor visited a sex dungeon to prepare for his work in what is sure to be the boringest sex-based film of all time, holy moly, 50 Shades of Grey. He spilled all of the sexy, submissive beans to Elle UK:

"I went there, they offered me a beer, and they did … whatever they were into. ... I saw a dominate with one of his two submissives."

A beer and one of two submissives and...whatever! Tell it again, Jamie Dornan, please, but slower. No, wait, tell me more! What else, tell me what else:

"I was like: 'Come on, guys, I know I'm not paying for this, but I am expecting a show. It was an interesting evening. Then go back to my wife and newborn baby afterwards … I had a long shower before touching either of them."

When Jamie Dornan visits your sex dungeon for work before taking a four-hour too-hot purell shower so he can touch a baby again, you better do...whatever with BOTH of your submissives. Just a warning...this time. ;)

50 Shades of Grey in theaters this etc.

[image via Getty]

"Unedited Footage of a Bear" Is the Weirdest Adult Swim Infomercial Yet

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In its goofiness and free-association, Adult Swim's 4 a.m. Infomercials series feels tailor-made to late nights spent with too much weed. "Unedited Footage of a Bear," the latest installment of the series that "Too Many Cooks" made famous, feels more akin to bath salts.

Ostensibly, "Unedited Footage of a Bear" parodies of the type of amateurish documentary footage that goes viral anytime someone with a smartphone comes in contact with a car crash or sufficiently large wild animal. Then, a commercial for allergy medicine starts, and things take a turn for the dark and violent.

The clip was directed by Alan Resnick and Ben O'Brien, both of Baltimore's weirdo art/music/comedy scene (O'Brien also runs my favorite Twitter account of 2014) and features a great song from Ed Schraeder's Music Beat. Watch it above, and be sure to read the fine print.

Eric Holder: "We, as a Nation, Have Failed"

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Eric Holder: "We, as a Nation, Have Failed"

In a candid interview with New York magazine, outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder spoke with MSNBC's Joy-Ann Reid about his tenure as President Obama's top justice official.

Holder, who was the first African American to hold the post, admitted to Reid that he's proud of the Departments's accomplishments under his leadership—the Smart on Crime initiative, among them—but confesses,"I wish I had more time, even though I think it's time for me to transition to something else."

When asked by Reid about the 1999 NYPD shooting of Amadou Diallo and the decades-long mistrust that remains between communities of color and law enforcement, Holder responded bluntly:

It means that we, as a nation, have failed. It's as simple as that. We have failed. We have understood that these issues have existed... These are issues that we've been dealing with for generations.

And it's why we have to seize this opportunity that we now have. We have a moment in time that we can, perhaps, come up with some meaningful change. It's what I'm committed to doing, even in the limited time I have left as attorney general. And I'll certainly continue to do it after I leave office.

But I also feel that the nation is really ready for this kind of change. And I would hope that, 10 years from now, 12 years from now, we will not look back on this as a lost opportunity.

On understanding the magnitude of the police brutality in America:

[O]ne of the things we need to do is do a better job of just collecting statistics. We don't necessarily have the basis now for looking at this country as a whole and understanding how big the problem is. It's one of the things our Bureau of Justice Statistics is trying to come up with, a way in which we can start to gather this kind of information. And that'll give us a much better way in which we can get a handle on this problem.

On the disrespect he's received from Congress:

Unfortunately, I think that's part of Washington in 2014. I would hope that my successor would not have to endure some of the things that I did. And I say "endure" only because I think I've shown respect where, perhaps, I haven't been given any.

There are times when I wanted to just snap back. And there are occasions when I have. But there have been, frequently, more times when I've wanted to be a lot more aggressive in the responses that I've made.

On ending the "war on drugs":

Well, I think we certainly need to ask ourselves questions about our drug-enforcement efforts. Are we focusing the limited resources that we have in the appropriate places? Are we bringing the appropriate charges? Are we putting people in jail for the appropriate lengths of time?

You know, the sale of drugs has ravaged certain communities. I'm concerned, however, that some of our law-enforcement efforts, though well intentioned, have had a destabilizing influence in those same communities. And so we need to step back and ask ourselves some really fundamental questions about the approaches that we have used in drug enforcement over the last 30 or 40 years.

On the mass effort by young people currently mobilizing against injustice:

That's the essence of who we are as Americans. We protest. We get loud. We disrupt things — all with the hope that we're gonna make the country better. They have raised issues that we need to discuss.

Holder is expected to be succeeded by Loretta Lynch, the chief prosecutor from Brooklyn, New York. He has yet to announce his plans once he resigns.


Bells Ring in Havana as U.S. and Cuba Plan to Finally End the Cold War

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Bells Ring in Havana as U.S. and Cuba Plan to Finally End the Cold War

President Obama announced today the United States is establishing full diplomatic relations with Cuba, ending more than a half-century of official hostility. "To the Cuban people, America extends a hand of friendship," Obama said during a nationally televised press conference this afternoon.

Negotiations between the two countries—led by Canada and encouraged by Pope Francis—have reportedly been going on in secret for 18 months.

"I do not believe we can keep doing the same thing for over five decades and expect a different result," Obama said about the embargo against Cuba, which he said he will ask Congress to lift. "This policy has been rooted in the best of intentions. It has had little effect."

From the New York Times:

Officials said they would re-establish an embassy in Havana and carry out high-level exchanges and visits between the two governments within months. Mr. Obama will send an assistant secretary of state to Havana next month to lead an American delegation to the next round of talks on Cuban-American migration. The United States will also begin working with Cuba on issues like counternarcotics, environmental protection and human trafficking.

The United States will also ease travel restrictions across all 12 categories currently envisioned under limited circumstances in American law, including family visits, official visits and journalistic, professional, educational and religious activities, public performances, officials said. Ordinary tourism, however, will remain prohibited.

Mr. Obama will also allow greater banking ties and raise the level of remittances allowed to be sent to Cuban nationals to $2,000 every three months from the current limit of $500. Intermediaries forwarding remittances will no longer require a specific license from the government. American travelers will also be allowed to import up to $400 worth of goods from Cuba, including up to $100 in tobacco and alcohol products.

Cuban president Raul Castro announced the agreement at a press conference held the same time as Obama's. "This expression by President Barack Obama deserves the respect and recognition by all the people and I want to thank and recognize support from the Vatican and especially from Pope Francis for the improvement of relations between Cuba and the United States," Castro said.

Bells Ring in Havana as U.S. and Cuba Plan to Finally End the Cold War

"This does not mean the principal issue has been resolved," Castro added. "The blockade which causes much human and economic damage to our country should cease."

As the two presidents announced the changes, church bells began ringing in Havana.

The announcements came just hours after Cuba released Alan Gross, an American who'd been imprisoned in the country for more than five years, on "humanitarian grounds." The U.S. also released three Cuban intelligence agents in exchange for an American spy who has been imprisoned in Cuba for more than 20 years.

Next week will mark the 23rd anniversary of the collapse of the Soviet Union, the event that effectively ended the threat of international communist empire, which had been the strategic basis for the United States' Cuba policy.

[Top image via AP]

Sad Man Lures Brave Young Woman Into Free Round-The-World Vacation

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Sad Man Lures Brave Young Woman Into Free Round-The-World Vacation

Last month, a Canadian real-estate bro named Jordan Axani went on Reddit to explain that his girlfriend had broken up with him, leaving their "fairly wicked trip around the world for Christmas" in limbo. The plane tickets didn't require passport verification, and could thus be used by any resident of Canada named Elizabeth Gallagher—would any Liz out there perhaps like to accompany him dans le monde? Strictly platonically, of course. (Of course.)

And now he has found his new travel BFF (or whatever: Axani tried to play it cool, claiming he didn't care if the Replacement Liz spent any time with him on the trip). Elizabeth Quinn Gallagher, 23, is the "lucky" volunteer for this insane stunt.

The Nova Scotia student and office administrator can replace Original Liz on the plane—stopping in Prague, Paris, Bangkok, and New Delhi—but she'll never replace the ex-girlfriend in Axani's heart.

For one thing, she has a "serious" boyfriend, and he's not all that happy about the situation.

"He understands that I've always wanted to travel, so while he's not happy I'm taking off for nearly a month at Christmas with a random guy, he's smiling through it," Liz II told the New York Post.

She says she was creeped out by Axani at first, but after talking to him, she felt the situation was "less creepy and more awesome." That doesn't mean she's DTF, though: "This is totally sort of like as friends," she confirmed to the Post.

Making the situation weirder, Axani is still clearly obsessed with the first-gen Liz Gallagher, who he calls "an incredible person" who "remains a great friend." But now that his widely publicized stunt has failed to win her back, he'll just have to go to war with the Liz he has, not the Liz he wants. Totally sort of like as friends.

Best of luck, Liz Jr. Come home safely.

[h/t New York Post, Photo: Jordan Axani/YouTube]

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

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The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

This was a weird year for movies. The box office was weak, but also, most films didn't deserve love or hate. They were just... okay. But the genre movies that did stand out were either brilliant experiments, or horrible misfires. Here are the 10 best and 10 worst science fiction and fantasy movies of 2014.

As usual, we had a ton of candidates for both the "best" and "worst" list, and wound up arguing amongst ourselves for the past week before whittling it down to just 10 of each. Please let us know your own personal bests and worsts!

Best Movies Of 2014:

10) Edge of Tomorrow

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

Based loosely on the fantastic Japanese novel All You Need Is Kill, this movie follows a cowardly soldier (Tom Cruise) who gets a weird superpower after getting some of an alien's blood on him. Every time he dies, he jumps back to the start of the day, alive and well. Yup, just like Groundhog Day. What's great about this film is how well it uses that conceit, both as a plot device and as a way to talk about PTSD and the endlessness of war and death. Edge of Tomorrow shows what an action movie can be: a personal journey as well as a thrilling, suspenseful ride.

9) The Tale of the Princess Kaguya

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

This year's Studio Ghibli release is something really unusual, even by Ghibli standards. It's hand-painted and incredibly beautiful, and the linework has an expressiveness that conveys moods and character turns in an absolutely stunning fashion. Not only that, but some of the big set pieces in this film will stick in your mind for days afterwards, thanks to vivid colors but also powerful emotions. Director Isao Takahata takes a classic Japanese fable and adapts it into a powerful story of coming of age and self-discovery in the face of crazy social expectations. One of the most beautiful films we've seen in years.

8) The Babadook

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

Sundance produced a number of quirky genre films this year, which mixed intimate character-based stories with outlandish plot devices. But the most successful, by far, was this Australian horror film — because for long stretches of the film, you could easily imagine it as a straight-up Sundance drama about a single mother struggling with her problem child and the perfect mothers who keep throwing shade at her. And yet, as a story of supernatural possession and terror, it becomes so much more. Also great: The way the monster, the Babadook, changes its meaning over the course of the movie as we start to understand the real terror at the heart of this film.

7) Captain America: The Winter Soldier

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

There were a lot of superhero movies this year, and most of them were pretty good. But this Captain America film still stood apart because of its gutsy storyline and its slick-as-hell action. The first full-length movie starring Steve Rogers in the 21st century manages to make his "1940s fish out of water" schtick brand new and totally relevant, by confronting him with the worst aspects of postmodern cynicism. Plus this movie is a masterclass in using action to develop character and theme.

6) The One I Love

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

This strange relationship drama sort of flew under the radar because its bizarre science-fictional twist was kept under wraps. We won't spoil that twist here, but suffice to say it's a mind-blowing, weird exploration of relationship dynamics, that uses its futuristic premise to get at universal realities and human failings. Stars Mark Duplass and Elisabeth Moss bring incredible acting powers to this story of a couple who go on a retreat only to encounter something truly bizarre.

5) Snowpiercer

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

We've seen a lot of dystopian movies lately, and it's a genre that's feeling a bit weaksauce in general. But director Bong Joon-ho (The Host) manages to create a dystopia that's both grotesque and poignant, in this adaptation of the insane French comic. A climate disaster has plunged the entire world into a new ice age, and the last survivors of humanity live aboard a super-train which is divided along class lines, with the poorest people living in squalor in the very rear — but there's still a chance for class mobility. Like a lot of the other movies on the "best" list, it has incredibly beautiful imagery and boasts a brilliant performance by Tilda Swinton as the train's main functionary. But also, this movie is layered with tons of symbolism, that just gets deeper the further you look.

4) Only Lovers Left Alive

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

Here's another really weird relationship story, featuring Swinton and Tom Hiddleston as two vampires who have been in love for hundreds of years and are still devoted to each other. Instead of chasing drama or packing in plot twists, director Jim Jarmusch creates a sweet, weird character study of two creative people whose love is challenged by depression, sadness and the difficulty of finding clean blood to drink.

3) The LEGO Movie

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

After so many movies in the past few years have stumbled through the maze of hero narratives, going from plot point to plot point without ever bothering to have fun, this movie feels like a revelation. The LEGO Movie simultaneously satirizes and perfects the "chosen hero" myth, and manages to tell a complicated story about reconciling apparent opposites at the same time. Few movies can manage to be this effortlessly fun and joyful — while also throwing a huge curveball, that somehow makes the entire audience weepy instead of disgusted. This is one of those movies we'll be rewatching for years.

2) Under The Skin

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

When I walked out of the screening of this film, I wasn't sure if it was one of the best movies I'd ever seen, or just one of the strangest. The story of an alien, played by Scarlett Johansson, driving around Scotland and picking up men so she can steal their life essence, is incredibly beautiful and jarring, and uncomfortable to watch — especially when you realize some of the men in the film really are random strangers Johansson has picked up. But this film conveys a huge emotional arc for Johansson's character, without a single line of dialogue or signpost, and uses its dispassionate lens to show her changing vantage point on humanity. In the end, the beauty and horror of Under the Skin stuck in my mind and refused to let go, and it's become one of my favorite movies of recent years.

1) Guardians of the Galaxy

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

This movie and LEGO Movie, both starring Chris Pratt, feel sort of like bookends. They're both gleefully creative and funny, playing with heroic tropes with glorious silliness. What makes Guardians of the Galaxy such a standout isn't just its retro-80s seat-of-your-space-pants fun, though. It's the way director James Gunn uses details like Rocket Raccoon's cringing posture and Star-Lord's cheesy 1970s mixtape to convey a sense of loss and deep emotional wounds, that makes the movie's zany romp that much more fantastic. In a year where tons of famous heroes failed to capture our imagination, this movie showed how it was done.

Honorable mention: Birdman

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

We all agreed this movie was one of the year's best, we only disagreed about whether it belonged on a list of science fiction and fantasy movies. Birdman has a lot of trenchant things to say about our current obsession with escapist superhero narratives, and also delves into magical-realism territory through some of its weird fantasy sequences. But whether you include it in the genre-movie camp, this story of an ex-superhero movie star trying to do legitimate theater is definitely both hilarious and gut-punching.

The Worst Movies of 2014:

10) Legends of Oz: Dorothy's Return

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

We weren't sure whether to include this movie, given that it was a legendary disaster that nearly got released direct-to-DVD and lost its investors tens of millions of dollars. But Legends of Oz is such a horrible film, we couldn't leave it out. Boasting ugly, sometimes uncanny-valley animation, and leaden performances from Dan Aykroyd among others, plus some Bryan Adams songs added at the last minute, this is one of the most dreadful films to be released in theaters in recent years. And it's an object lesson in trying to cash in on a famous series, based on Roger Baum's weak, do-over sequel to his father's famous book.

9) The Giver

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

This movie, meanwhile, felt like a huge misfire. Based on one of the greatest young-adult novels of all time, all The Giver had to do was sell the relationship between the young Jonas and his mentor, the Giver. The movie's dystopian world only really emerges as a dystopia once Jonas realizes what's missing, thanks to the long-buried memories the Giver shares with him. Instead, we got a sledgehammery message, driven home by a lecturing Meryl Streep — plus an unnecessary, shoe-horned romance.

8) Maleficent

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

Angelina Jolie's quite good performance wasn't enough to salvage this awful mess of an origin story for Sleeping Beauty's main villain. As an exploration of one of the all-time great animated villains, this film chose to declaw Maleficent and make her the victim of King Stefan's roofies and mutilation. And almost every element in this movie is a mess, from its inconsistent tone to its overuse of computerized cheez whiz to its plodding supporting performances. Dark fairy tales and villain origin stories are in fashion right now, but this movie is like a "how-not-to" guide to those subgenres.

7) Legend of Hercules

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

There were a lot of weird reimaginings of famous heroes this year — we really considered sticking the cheesetastic Dracula Untold and I, Frankenstein on this list too. But yeesh, even among that company, this Hercules origin story is a dud. The main thing that this movie has to offer is well-oiled pecs and slow-mo, but they unfortunately come along with a completely ludicrous plot where Hercules is sold into slavery and becomes a gladiator, because they thought "Hercules" would bring in more people than "Spartacus." Seriously, just watch these four completely bonkers clips, full of people stumbling over nonsense dialogue while mostly naked.

6) Winter's Tale

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

Like The Giver, this movie was a labor of love — and just like The Giver, it was also a situation where the people adapting a classic novel didn't quite manage to capture what worked about it. Mark Helprin's beloved fairytale novel becomes a soupy mess in the hands of writer-director Akiva Goldsman, who simultaneously tries to over-explain the magical mythos and also drain it of any magic it might possess. Just like with Maleficent, the tone is all over the place, with jarring transitions that feel stuck together with masking tape. By the time a random Native American (Graham Greene) shows up to explain to cunning thief Peter Lake (Colin Farrell) why a flying white horse has befriended him, you're just shrugging at this movie's wacky nonsense. The one good scene: Will Smith's cameo.

5) Exodus: Gods and Kings

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

As a movie about supernatural forces and over-arching destiny, Exodus is kind of uniquely dreadful. Director Ridley Scott fails to capture Moses, the conflicted liberator of the Jews from Egypt, as a compelling character — and he can't make the plight of the enslaved Jews resonate, either. He gets caught up in the huge pageantry and gruesome computer-animated plagues, at the expense of telling a meaningful story about an escape from bondage.

4) Transformers: Age of Extinction

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

It seems quixotically masochistic to expect much from a Transformers film at this point. But there are three main reasons why the latest outing belongs on this list: First, it's a dull action movie in which the set pieces go on too long and feel half-hearted, as if everybody is trying to make an endless scene about a giant vacuum cleaner in the sky feel interesting. Second, it's the most joyless these transforming robots have ever been, with Optimus Prime, in particular, mired in depression and only able to blurt "I'll kill you" at odd intervals. But most of all, the movie's all-important human characters have never been so unlovable. The Transformers series is a clunky contraption that shows every sign of breaking down.

3) Hercules

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

Yes, as bad as Legend of Hercules was, it wasn't the worst Hercules movie this year. How hard is it to make a movie about a super-strong demigod who goes around wrecking shit and wearing a lion on his head, people? Where Legend turned Herc into a demigod who bares his teeth and his abs in slow motion, this version tries to turn him into just a regular mope who just wants to be left alone or something. The Rock, as Hercules, trudges through a laundry list of tropes about Hercules training an army and leading them from defeat to victory. We had two Hercules movies this year, and neither of them had the real Hercules in them — that's got to be some kind of terrible comment on the state of movies, right there.

2) Transcendence

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

Where Christopher Nolan captured some amazing beauty and a lot of scientific wonder with his brilliant, frustrating Interstellar, his cinematographer Wally Pfister tried to make a movie about the rise of artificial intelligence, and stumbled. Transcendence suffers from a lifeless, unimaginative story in which there are never two valid sides to any argument, and scientists act like idiots. But that's not the main problem with Transcendence: Rather, it's a story that relies entirely on the love story between Will (Johnny Depp) and Evelyn (Rebecca Hall) — who's willing to go to insane lengths to keep Will's mind alive inside a computer. And at no point does their relationship, or anything else about them, feel convincing. Or interesting. Instead, you're left with a horrendously bland thriller about gray goo.

1) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The 10 Best And 10 Worst Science Fiction And Fantasy Movies Of 2014

And finally... here's a movie that combines a lot of the problems of the other movies on this list, but with less charm or sense of fun. The big sewer-dwelling turtle dudes, with their love of pizza and their mastery of Japanese assassin techniques, are back. And this time, they're stuck in a movie that appears to be pasted together from four or five different scripts. Megan Fox's character is an aspiring journalist who wants to get the scoop on the turtles, or maybe she's their surrogate mom from when they were turtle babies, or maybe she's their girlfriend. The action in this movie is almost impossible to follow a lot of the time, and the turtles are both grotesque and boring. Even in a year where a lot of big tentpoles felt confused and ill-formed, this was an unusually slapdash effort.

Additional reporting by Meredith Woerner, Jason Shankel, Katharine Trendacosta, Cheryl Eddy, Annalee Newitz and Lauren Davis.

Hackers Win: The Interview Is Canceled Across America

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Hackers Win: The Interview Is Canceled Across America

Yesterday morning, anonymous hackers posted an extremely vague threat of violence against cinemas that choose to run The Interview, a Sony Pictures film that might be the cause of their recent hacker troubles. Today, reports indicate the $44 million movie is pretty much called off. (UPDATED)

Update: The Interview is now officially canceled, Variety reports, per a statement from Sony:

"Un light of the decision by the majority of our exhibitors not to show the film The Interview, we have decided not to move forward with the planned December 25 theatrical release. We respect and understand our partners' decision and, of course, completely share their paramount interest in the safety of employees and theater-goers.

Sony Pictures has been the victim of an unprecedented criminal assault against our employees, our customers, and our business. Those who attacked us stole our intellectual property, private emails, and sensitive and proprietary material, and sought to destroy our spirit and our morale – all apparently to thwart the release of a movie they did not like. We are deeply saddened at this brazen effort to suppress the distribution of a movie, and in the process do damage to our company, our employees, and the American public. We stand by our filmmakers and their right to free expression and are extremely disappointed by this outcome."

Un light? Is that... a typo or a North Korea pun?

The Hollywood Reporter says the five biggest movie chains in the U.S. are calling off screenings of The Interview:

Regal Entertainment, AMC Entertainment, Cinemark, Carmike Cinemas and Cineplex Entertainment have all decided against showing the film.

Carmike Cinemas confirmed its decision to drop the film on Tuesday. The other chains did not immediately respond to a request for comment. Sony also had no immediate comment.

What exactly are these chains afraid of? I have no idea, and I don't think they do either. I received the warning yesterday from someone claiming to be part of the "Guardians of Peace," a hacker collective at the root of Sony's cataclysmic security:

Warning

We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places "The Interview" be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.

Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.

The world will be full of fear.

Remember the 11th of September 2001.

We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.

(If your house is nearby, you'd better leave.)

Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment.

All the world will denounce the SONY.

Spooky, maybe, but credible? It's hard to reconcile the actual execution of cyber-violence with a nebulous threat of physical violence. If the prevailing theory of North Korean revenge is correct, then taking this threat seriously means taking seriously the notion that the North Korean hackers would come to the United States and attack American movie theaters. Or that the North Korean government would, what? Start carpet bombing malls? The message read more like the escalating rhetoric of a group that's getting global attention and wants to keep up that clip—scare tactics, not military tactics.

But now it doesn't matter. The Guardians of Peace—whoever they are! We still don't know who they are!—just axed a $44 million motion picture with an anonymous post on Pastebin. They are, beyond any doubt, extremely good at what they do: fucking things up for Sony. The only silver lining for the thoroughly trounced Sony Pictures is that the movie was going to be a turd anyway.

Guess How Much Pizza Jennifer Lawrence Ordered

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Guess How Much Pizza Jennifer Lawrence Ordered

Jennifer Lawrence loves pizza, I bet. She seems like the type: chill, fun, etc. But how much pizza did she order one time recently, while she was hanging out with a purported new beau as, I can only guess, someone looked on from the bushes in order to report the event to the Daily News? If you had to guess?

The man in the story is director and producer Gabe Polsky, not that it matters. Do you have your guess in mind?

Read on!

The two were spotted hanging out at his residence for about five hours, with Lawrence departing later that night. During their time together, the duo ordered pizza – not once, but twice.

"They ordered a couple of pizzas and about 30 minutes later another delivery man came with more pizza," the source said.

The answer, once again: Jennifer Lawrence ordered multiple pizzas spread across two different orders! Please leave your score in the comments.

(I guess the question is more accurately, "Guess how many times Jennifer Lawrence ordered pizza on the same night, the first time—assuming there is a first time—ordering 'a couple,' all following times ordering an unspecified amount." Anyway. Did you get it right?)

[image via Getty]

The New Backstreet Boys Documentary Actually Looks Worth Watching

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At about 20 seconds into the new trailer for Backstreet Boys: Show Em What You're Made Of a disembodied voice (Brian?) asks: "What do you do when you're a full-grown man in a boy band?" This is exactly the kind of question a Backstreet Boys documentary should be asking.

Show Em What You're Made Of will be released on VOD January 30, according to Billboard, and from the looks of the trailer, it finds the boys "getting back to their roots" by way of honky-tonk piano and tambourine during the recording of their most recent album. The trailer's brief mention of BSB and NSYNC svengali Lou Pearlman and his $300 million Ponzi scheme also bodes well.

Of course, there's also a good chance that it will be hot garbage. Watch above and decide for yourself.

[h/t ONTD]

Kennedys Break Silence Re: Miley Cyrus Banging Patrick Schwarzenegger

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Kennedys Break Silence Re: Miley Cyrus Banging Patrick Schwarzenegger

We finally have an official decree from America's royal family on the matter of one Miley Cyrus dating and partying at Art Basel with 21-year-old sort-of Kennedy Patrick Schwarzenegger. The formal word came from Rory Kennedy, daughter of the late Bobby Kennedy and first cousin of Patrick's mother, Maria Shriver.

When Us Weekly asked Rory her opinion about the young romance at the Robert F. Kennedy Ripple of Hope Awards on Tuesday night, she said.....are u ready 4 it................

I'm happy for them.

According to Us Weekly, Rory "had no further comment about whether or not she thought Cyrus is too wild" for lil' Patrick.

Curiously enough, Rory was more verbose when asked about Taylor Swift's fling with then high school senior Conor Kennedy back in 2012. She said she "couldn't be more thrilled" that her nephew was dating Taylor, and "I think she's fantastic. She's a good friend of our family and we all adore her and love her. It's great to have her around."

[Photo via Getty]


Report: The Obama Administration Is Corrupt as Fuck

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Report: The Obama Administration Is Corrupt as Fuck

Today the New York Times published an incredible, and incredibly detailed, account of unrestrained favor-trading within the Obama administration. In a nut: The president’s cabinet, including the State Department under Hillary Clinton, suspended travel bans placed on certain Ecuadorian nationals who committed fraud (and worse) after those nationals’ family members pledged five- and six-figures sums to Democratic organizations.

The Times report centers on the well-connected Isaías family, who are frequent and generous donors to Democrats. Reporter Frances Robles begins by highlighting the story of Estefanía Isaías, who was restricted from traveling to the United States in 2008. Her entry ban was enacted after federal officials discovered that she had illegally obtained work visas for her maid staff, having lied about the circumstances under which she was bringing them to the United States.

The ban soon caught the attention of a prominent Democrat, Senator Bob Menendez (on whom the family lavished campaign money). Robles writes:

For more than a year, Senator Robert Menendez, Democrat of New Jersey, and his staff engaged in a relentless effort to help Ms. Isaías, urging senior government officials, including Mrs. Clinton’s chief of staff, Cheryl Mills, to waive the ban. The senator’s assistance came even though Ms. Isaías’s family, a major donor to him and other American politicians, does not live in his state. The Obama administration then reversed its decision and gave Ms. Isaías the waiver she needed to come to the United States — just as tens of thousands of dollars in donations from the family poured into Mr. Obama’s campaign coffers.

The Times later provides a tick-tock of particularly suspicious donations, such as a $40,000 check written to the Obama Victory Fund in May 2012, just one day before the Obama administration lifted the ban against Estefanía Isaías. The reversal echoed the same administration’s stance toward the woman’s brothers, Roberto and William, who are considered fugitives in their home country:

The Obama administration has allowed the family’s patriarchs, Roberto and William Isaías, to remain in the United States, refusing to extradite them to Ecuador. The two brothers were sentenced in absentia in 2012 to eight years in prison, accused of running their bank into the ground and then presenting false balance sheets to profit from bailout funds. In a highly politicized case, Ecuador says the fraud cost the country $400 million.

The entire family, the Times argues, “has repeatedly received favorable treatment from the highest levels of the American government.” The paper’s lengthy report, which is tangled though worth very much worth reading, can be found here.

Photo credit: Getty Images

This Cop Could Not Have Made a Stupider Fucking T-Shirt

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This Cop Could Not Have Made a Stupider Fucking T-Shirt

"I can't breathe," the last words Eric Garner spoke before he died of an NYPD-delivered chokehold, have been adopted as a powerful statement against police brutality and institutional racism. But one cop/uniform company owner prefers a different slogan, one that reassures you you'll be able to keep breathing as long as you don't cross a police officer.

Police corporal Jason Barthel, of Indiana-based South Bend Uniform, is selling "Breathe easy—don't break the law" tees for 8 bucks to cops and other supporters of breathing as a conditional right. (SantaCon attendees, maybe?)

"For those upset," he writes—and the Facebook comments on South Bend Uniforms page indicate there are many—"please understand when we use the slogan "Breathe Easy" we are referring to knowing the police are there for you! We are one people, one nation regardless of race, religion, creed or gender. We are all in this together. The police are here to protect and serve. 99.9% of us have the greater good in our hearts each time we strap on our uniforms and duty belts."

"We are all one people and this is by no means is a slam on Eric Garner or his family, God rest his soul. Lets all band together as AMERICANS regardless of our feelings and know we can and will be better! Thank you for your support."

Of course, not breaking the law didn't help John Crawford, Jordan Baker, 12-year-old Tamir Rice, or many of the other unarmed people of color killed by police over the past decade.

This shirt might as well say, "It's a White thing, you wouldn't understand," but Barthel thinks the "I Can't Breathe" t-shirts sported by marching protestors and NBA players are "confrontational," while his version is "uniting and positive."

A small handful of people in New York City might disagree with that outlook:

[h/t Vocativ]

This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

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This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which a goat wearing novelty sunglasses climbs to the top of the Empire State Building and whispers "CELEBRITY" before plummeting down to the ground. This week, Miley Cyrus made her wedding rings out of rolling papers; Kendall Jenner is getting ready to play The Most Dangerous Game; every female celebrity in a long-term relationship is lonely; Rihanna might become a mom.

God, aren't men boring? Let's roll.


This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

OK!

TAYLOR SWIFT'S SHOCKING ROMANCE

Oh HELL yes we're starting off with Taylor and Karlie, the two Barbie dolls from your childhood that you covered in glitter and made scissor on your bathroom floor. But before we get there, let's talk about… Kendra Wilkinson eating turkey testicles, cow lips, cockroaches and crickets. This Paleo Xtreme DeathSwag is due to Kendra's stint in the Australian jungle for I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. She lost a lot of weight eating those crickets, lips 'n balls. Next up, in huge surprises: Gwyneth Paltrow is a thankless and demanding boss! Madonna is jealous of her daughter's best quality: YOUTH! And, because her grandmother had a baby at 49 (??) Nicole Kidman, 47, wants to put a BUN in that OVEN! Elsewhere, Kendall Jenner has "decided to take the plunge" of dating Chris Brown. We know this because they were on the same team at a charity football game and also maybe they were in a car accident together and also they took a picture together on Instagram and also maybe they've been banging secretly for quite some time.

Okay, now it's Taylor and Karlie time. This story is as great and stupid—it's just a retelling of their friendship timeline as (re)constructed by social media, but with this wonderfully delicate fairytale tone ("Although Taylor went so far as to set aside a bedroom for [Karlie] in her Manhattan apartment, complete with pictures of the model on the walls and a basket of her favorite snacks on the nightstand") that is as pleasing as it is infuriating: if either celeb in question was "trashy" (i.e. curvy or outspoken or non-white) this story would be covered like SHOCKING DIRTY LESBIAN SECRET XXX. There's no real news except apparently Karlie likes Taylor more than Taylor likes Karlie, and the writer inexplicably separates THE KISS CAUGHT ON CAMERA (it looks like a blob) from the fact that this kiss occurred at a 1975 show and Taylor's supposedly also dating Matt Healy from the 1975.

In other news, the Royal Christmas Dinner will include zero Middleton parents and one "roast turkey and plum pudding with Devon cream" (disgusting: turkeys do not go with plums or cream). Past years have included a "lighthearted royal gift exchange" in which Prince Harry got the Queen a shower cap with the slogan "Ain't life a bitch." God love you, Prince Harry. Here's a real quote from a super rude story about KHLOE KARDASHIAN'S "REVENGE BODY": "See Khloe squat! See Khloe lift! See Khloe jump rope! See Khloe push a sled!" The particular rudeness is that the writer is like "Why is it taking so long for her work to show up?" The last line of the story is "Hmm."

Grade: B- (roast turkey testicle with Devon plum cream)


This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

Life & Style

MILEY'S MARRIED

LOL. I mean, she's not. Other things that are not happening: Kendall Jenner wants to get surgery on her belly button because when she got it pierced, it started to look like "two belly buttons." Cue everyone in the Kardashian family all solemn and hushed like, "Kendall……. no……. you couldn't do anything to your body…." Lil Kim owes $126k in back taxes. In May, she told her fans that she was registered at Buy Buy Baby and was like "Buy your mother some gifts." Joaquin Phoenix told David Letterman that he was engaged to his yoga instructor, but then the next day said he made it up. "I wanted the audience to like me," he said, once he was comfortable back at home all zipped up into his gimp suit.

An amazing caption for Olivia Wilde holding her baby up: "A tender moment and a great workout all rolled into one!" An amazing revelation about Amy Poehler's process: she writes topless, to relax. An amazing quote from Sailor Twift: "I feel uncomfortable being the No. 1 priority in my friends' lives." LOL SAILOR TWIFT, LIKE HELL YOU DO. Miranda Lambert has descended into "Booze, Pills & Darkness," otherwise known as hold on what were you saying you have pills and I can drink wine and sit in the dark? Where? Tonight? Someone's like, "Rihanna's Pregnant." A MediaTakeOut report says that she has "given up weed" and "banned it from her recording studio" to prepare for BB Riri. There's literally no way in the world that Rihanna is ever giving up weed.

Okay, we are at the cover story, in which Miley becomes a Kennedy via secretly betrothing Patrick "Arnold" Schwarzenegger. I am surprised and honored and humbled to say, THIS FAKE STORY IS FUCKING AMAZING. So, on December 5th at Art Basel, Miley—fresh off the glow of recovering from a pregnancy scare—made some phone calls, got a MIDGET MINISTER to go hide in her hotel room, whipped out RINGS SHE'D MADE OUT OF ROLLING PAPERS and walked down the aisle to a TECHNO REMIX OF "HERE COMES THE BRIDE." Their vows included, and I'm quoting the story, Miley saying that "she'd try to be a faithful wife, but… she couldn't make any promises," and Patrick saying she'd marry her if she took his last name. "Then they made out for like five minutes while everyone cheered." Next step, an actual marriage certificate/actual wedding for these "two peas in a pod." Blessings and congratulations to Peas!

Grade: C- (if there were two pods, each containing two peas, and each pea had two belly buttons and all of the happy peas had to have plastic surgery for an E! original TV series)


This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

inTouch

HOLIDAYS FROM HELL

*Majestic clouds part in the sky as Moses comes down from the mountain* Huge news, the Kardashians are fighting. They are having holidays from hell, so like, lots of circle ornaments on the tree, lots of river stuff, a nice fire? Sounds great. The night after Miley Cyrus partied hard at Art Basel, Maria Shriver posted a video on Twitter about the dangers of binge-drinking. "Worth showing yr kids & talking to them about who they are & will be this weekend." LOL. Also funny is this story of Adam Levine eating an apple while doing a radio interview. Even funnier is Snooki making an Etsy shop in which the first item up for sale was a mug that said 'Your the Snooki to my JWOWW.' [Sic]. Siiiick.

Reese Witherspoon is fighting with her husband, whom she was arrested with (tabloids #neverforget) in 2013. Wreath has a "potty mouth" and she is "pretty feisty" and doesn't answer texts and the pair of them fight in public, which sounds absolutely inhuman and unpardonable, let's talk about it some more. Except here is the cover story, in which Kris & Scott Get Wasted, Khloe Is Fat-Shamed, Kanye Leaves Kim, Kendall & Kylie are Feuding, and Rob's a Mess. "WAIT, IT GETS WEIRDER," screeches a hawk from high up in the sky. Bruce Jenner is becoming a— *hawk plummets from the sky and executes me before I can finish this sentence*

Grade: D+ (the radio editor who had to be like, "Adam, are you eating an APPLE?"/the Adam's apple joke Levine was probably not smart enough to make after)


This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

US Weekly

KATE'S SECRET AFFAIR

*hawk performs CPR* I'm back. I do not know who this "Derek Hough" person is on the cover having a SECRET AFFAIR with Kate Hudson (don't tell me, I'll "put it together on my own") but I do know that it's an incredible idea to have a spread of celebrities holding things in both hands. "DOUBLE-DARE CHALLENGE," barks a grumpy old dog. "Twinning!" he sputters. "Two is always better than one." That is literally the text on this page.

Selena Gomez spent Taylor Swift's birthday party on the upstairs terrace yelling at Sam Smith that "No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn't even understand me!" Other unnamed "minions" spent the birthday party prepping Taylor's pad (EWWW) and setting out "eight bags of sushi" (???????), 20 pizzas ( :) :) :) :) ) and lots of beer. Okay, the cover story: Kate Hudson is breaking her four-year engagement to bang a guy from Dancing With the Stars. This courtship came after a lot of "dancing," "charades" and "Heads Up and fun games like that." I love Heads Up. *googles Heads Up* Derek has also dated Shannon Elizabeth, Cheryl Cole, Lauren Conrad, and Nina Dobrev. Those Mormons! For Christmas, Quvenzhane Wallis wants beads and a Tamagotchi. Let's get her one. Piper Perabo shares her recipe for a "Chocolate Yule Log." Step one, you eat too much. Step two, you mix your liquors.

Grade: D- (when you're trying to flush your "Chocolate Yule Log" and the water starts rising in the toilet bowl and your Log rolls right over the toilet seat onto your mother-in-law's newly retiled bathroom floor. Also you're drunk)


This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

Star

$200 MILLION DIVORCE BOMBSHELL

I have to say, I feel fucking high as HELL because the Gawker office smells like someone pooped on the floor and then Zamboni'd the poop in a smooth layer over the pretty wood floors and then smoke-bombed the poop smell out by simultaneously setting off ~1000 cans of Axe body spray, so I think I am going to have to do this a new way.

So. Who is Fighting? Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan (they are having uneven career paths). Lady Gaga and Taylor Boyfriend (she wants to have a baby and is insecure). Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Yogababe (Baldwin thinks his wife is too into herself, a likely story). Norman Reedus (?) and Cecilia Singley (??) (Why is a normal oboe reed fighting with a Catholic onesie IDK IDK IDK). Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake (she is PREGNANT and alone and he hasn't recommitted himself to domestic life the way that Jessica totally thought she would when she was like GIMME DA BABY. The story also reveals that Biel's restaurant "Au Fudge" is "just something to keep her busy." You think?) Angelina Jolie and Amy Pascal (LOL). Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban (she TOO is home alone and wants a baby).

Who is Boning? Kendall J and Chris Brown (why not). Ashanti and Nelly (they're giving it one more shot).

LOL. That's literally it. That's the magazine. Thank you and good night.

Grade: F (the aneurysm you get from an office that either smelled like someone Axed a poop or someone pooped in an Axe container)


Addendum:

This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

Fig 1., of Tiny Baby at Disney World, Life & Style

This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

Fig 2., inTouch

This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

Fig 3., inTouch

This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

Fig. 4, Life & Style

This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in Super Sexy Love

Fig 5., Your Weirdest Dream, OK!

Judge: S.C. Erred in Convicting, Executing Black 14-Year-Old in 1944

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Judge: S.C. Erred in Convicting, Executing Black 14-Year-Old in 1944

George Stinney Jr., 14, pictured above, was the youngest person put to death in the United States in the 20th century. But a judge in South Carolina voided his conviction Wednesday, saying the youth didn't get a fair trial when he was convicted of killing two white girls in the Jim Crow South.

Reuters explains:

[Stinney] was convicted of killing Betty June Binnicker, 11, and Mary Emma Thames, 7, and was executed three months after their deaths.

In her ruling, Judge Carmen Tevis Mullen wrote that she was not overturning the case on its merits but on the failure of the court to grant Stinney a fair trial.

"From time to time we are called to look back to examine our still-recent history and correct injustice where possible," she wrote. "I can think of no greater injustice than a violation of one's constitutional rights, which has been proven to me in this case by a preponderance of the evidence standard."

Stinney had been hauled in hours after the girls were found bludgeoned, and he reportedly confessed, though family members have long argued the confession was coerced. He was charged in a trial lasting only a day and offering no physical evidence. This case hinged on prosecutors' assertion that the 95-pound boy had bashed both girls' heads in and then managed to carry them "a quarter-mile or more" to where they'd been found.

An all-white jury took 10 minutes to deliberate before convicting and condemning him. Only then—for the first time since his arrest, and for the only time until his execution—were Stinney's parents given access to him.

Legends say Stinney needed to sit on a stack of books to fit into his execution chair.

The Guardian describes that notorious execution, depicted in many video dramatizations, thusly:

There is scant documentary evidence from the case, but newspapers reported that, because of his small stature, at 5ft 1in and weighing just 95lb, the guards had difficultly strapping him into a chair built for adults. When the switch was flipped and the first 2,400 volts surged through his body, the too-large death mask slipped from his face revealing the tears falling from his scared, open eyes. A second and third charge followed. He was pronounced dead on 16 June 1944.

South Carolina regrets the error.

[Photo: REUTERS/South Carolina Department of Archives and History/Handout]

Angelina's Cleopatra Catastrophe: The Other Side of Sony's Jobs Disaster

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Angelina's Cleopatra Catastrophe: The Other Side of Sony's Jobs Disaster

Among the biggest stories coming from Sony's hacking crisis, the botched attempt to make a Steve Jobs movie stands out, revealing an ugly relationship between top Sony Pictures exec Amy Pascal and producer Scott Rudin. We've now found emails that tell the other side of the story.

Messages leaked by as of yet unidentified hackers and obtained by Gawker show the slow fragmenting of Pascal and Rudin's relationship, thanks to tension over Angelina Jolie's passion project Cleopatra (and specifically Jolie's focus on director David Fincher, whom Rudin wanted to direct Jobs).

What starts out as a genial discussion of a movie idea turns into a battle over wigs, more anti-Angie trash talk, and the general impression that it's impossible and unpleasant to work with any of these people.

While Jolie spent 2014 fretting about the script—was she the focus and the prime mover? Did it need a romantic relationship? Would she still be regal enough if she played it bald?—one-on-one correspondence between Pascal and Rudin shows off their behind-the-scenes sniping, scheming, and eye-rolling. Rudin in particular would apparently rather die by self-inflicted asp wound than make another Jolie film: "She's seriously out of her mind," he eventually writes Pascal, exasperated.

Meanwhile, Jolie's single-minded focus on Fincher as her director of choice for the project—and Pascal's inability to manage the hilariously ill-mannered Rudin, who also wanted Fincher—became a serious pressure point for all three. It's this friction that would eventually scuttle what could have been a fantastic version of Jobs.

Read Part One: "The Nightmare Email Drama Behind Sony's Steve Jobs Disaster"

The Script Arrives

Exchanges between budding Egyptologist Jolie, and her very supportive producers Rudin and Pascal begin in December 2013, when screenwriter Eric Roth sent the first draft of the movie. "Get your egyptian sandals on ......he did it," Pascal wrote to Rudin and Jolie. "Home run or whatever a home run would be called in Alexandria," Rudin wrote back.

At the time, Rudin and Pascal were close: The producer had a first-look deal with Sony—meaning he'd give the studio the first shot at any projects he was working on—and he'd made two previous critically acclaimed Fincher projects, The Social Network and Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. The deal would expire in 2014.

Pascal and Jolie were close, too. Emails from the hack show the pair exchanging messages in November of that year: "You are a treasure/I love you Tons," Pascal wrote Jolie. "Love you Amy xxx," Jolie replied. (All quotes from emails sic.)

So the arrival of Roth's script was an exciting prospect for the trio. "The only thing standing between us and this movie is your learning ancient Egyptian," Rudin wrote to Jolie. "Could you be ready by January 5?"

But the script was not quite as much of an ancient Egyptian home run as Rudin and Pascal were claiming. "I think we have to clean up the script and then enhance," Jolie wrote Pascal in early January. "I have crossed out many things and made adjustments. I would like to strip the things that lead it off track first. We need to be clear and efficient in order to get this done in a decent time. I started to re read the book and I am talking to philosophy teachers ect"

The big issues with the script, it seems, involved ensuring that Cleopatra herself—and therefore Jolie—would be the focus of the story. When a new draft arrived in early February, Pascal wrote privately to Rudin that Jolie would prefer this new, even more Cleo-centric version: "She will like it CUZ there is barely any vulnerability left in her character and she now seems responsible for everything that ever happened." But Pascal—like Rudin—was still concerned about making the movie commercial: "We are gonna have to lean on her to make it a love story," she wrote.

Tension Between Pascal and Rudin

Even before the new script arrived, Rudin and Pascal were testing each others' patience. A meeting set up at the end of January with Jolie, Pascal, and Rudin was moved around, leading to a long, snippy email exchange between Pascal and Rudin:

Angelina's Cleopatra Catastrophe: The Other Side of Sony's Jobs Disaster

After another meeting was rescheduled in anticipation of Roth's new script draft, Pascal asked Rudin to call Jolie. Rudin, exasperated, responded "She knows it's off. Calm down. She's an actress for hire, not Cleopatra."

At one point in February, Rudin appeared to accuse Pascal of talking to Fincher—his first choice to direct Jobs—about Cleopatra behind his back. Fincher "knew a lot about the script!"—and apparently "implied" that he'd spoken with Pascal.

Angelina's Cleopatra Catastrophe: The Other Side of Sony's Jobs Disaster

This same email thread devolved in manner of the earlier one. "Wanna talk or keep fighting?" Pascal asked Rudin. "Keep fighting right now please," Rudin replies.

Nevertheless—as they frequently had and would—the two managed to patch it up quickly, and Pascal attempted soon afterward to suggest other directors for Jobs—"Is it fincher or bob z[emeckis] or marty [Scorcese] or ang [Lee] or alonzo ...there is losts to discuss." Rudin stands firm on Fincher (though not until after he asks who "alonzo" is: "the guy who did gravity," Pascal clarifies).

Scorcese to Direct Bald Angelina?

By February, Fincher had been handed the Steve Jobs script—and, as emails from the time attest, Jolie was unhappy, as he was her first choice for her Cleopatra. Rudin apparently pacified her by dangling the prospect of Martin Scorcese—with whom he was meeting—to direct. In this message from March 12th, Jolie expresses her total commitment and excitement:

Amazing news. I am in edit and only half way through but so far I see that yes it's still long but it's strong and smart and with intrigue and sensuality. I love all the characters and feel it's more focused. Any director in their righting will be happy that it will not be hard to trim and that he will have a say in what stays.

It's all very exciting.

Let me know if there is anything I should be doing. Like getting on a plane and begging Marty xxx

Sent from my iPhone

Cleopatra directed by Martin Scorsese and starring Angelina Jolie would be, in Pascal's improbable words, "the greatest movie ever." There's just one problem with the current script: Cleopatra is written—historically accurately—bald, and Jolie is a bit worried about the "sensuality":

The one thought I would ask you both is about her "bald". I think that made sense in earlier drafts but if we are saying every time she's in bed she has no hair or a shaved head it changes the sensuality. I wonder if we should keep it out and discuss as an idea with the director. But I worry we could scare off a director.

The point was always that she be clean and raw and I think with straight black hair and no make up we would achieve the same and not distract.

I make this point incase we are starting to send it out we should ask to remove that one description.

This is a non-issue for Rudin: "I think it's provocative. I don't think it's a turnoff." Jolie agrees to "leave it but its shaved head. Not bald. Let's at least make that clear. And for the record I find it sexy and am happy to be bold. Feels statuesque and clean." The question of whether or not Angelina Jolie should have hair playing a 40 B.C. queen literally keeps Rudin up at night:

First I thought bald but then I was sitting at home during the night and I couldn't sleep because of it so now I think shaved; Or possibly a fade like Kid 'n Play; Maybe shaved for Alexandria, bald for Rome? And then curly tendrils for the asp? What do you think?

Pascal shares his aesthetic concerns:

Well she was amazing with a perm in that Jewish movie about Daniel pearl. So I'm tempted to throw that look in somewhere but I don't think I can beat you can beat that kid n play look possibly with lots of pearls.

Regardless, the star herself wrote, "this is the film I am dying to make." She planned to call Scorcese later in the week.

Pascal, for her part, was impressed with the rapport between her egomaniacal producer and her egomaniacal star: She forwarded the exchange to two underlings, Columbia Pictures president Hannah Minghella and SPE Motion Picture Group President Doug Belgrad, with the message "Scott and Angie BFF"

Fincher Returns

The happiness was short-lived. Jolie and Scorcese didn't meet until May, and Scorcese was booked until 2016. Jolie was impatient to get started on Cleopatra: "Brad is planning a film of the same period you should know," she wrote to Rudin and Pascal. "He will now beat is to it. I suppose giving me more and more time to prepare."

Now three months after Rudin and Jolie had their first blow-up over Jolie's Fincher lust, Jolie tentatively brought up the director again, suggesting "another talk." Rudin attempts to ward her off by referencing Fincher's "difficulty":

Angelina's Cleopatra Catastrophe: The Other Side of Sony's Jobs Disaster


Next on the trio's list was Tomas Alfredson, the Swedish director of Let the Right One In and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. "Who wants to make the call?" Rudin asked Pascal. "Your more impressive," she replied. "I have more money." "I bet you don't," Rudin retorted.

Also of pressing concern: What nickname should they give themselves? Pascal proposed:

Three musketeers

Three blind mice

Three stooges

Three tenors

Three little pigs

Three amigos

Three little bears

Three coins in a fountain

Three is company

Which are we?

"Kill Me Please. Immediately."

Alfredson was unavailable. In June, Rudin suggested Gladiator director Ridley Scott, and asked Jolie who her "wild card" directors were. "I'm studying a few more films to be sure," Jolie replied. Rudin responded to Pascal privately: "Kill me please. Immediately."

Angelina's Cleopatra Catastrophe: The Other Side of Sony's Jobs Disaster

Jolie seems to have clearly passed on Scott, and a conversation about 12 Years a Slave's Steve McQueen didn't go further. In July, Rudin and Pascal try to sell Jolie on directing and acting in Little House on the Prairie; she declines and requests "another Cleo call at some point."

Roth Versus Shakespeare

And then in mid July, Pascal has an idea. After sending a New York Times piece by Ben Brantley about a London production of Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra, she and Rudin took to a private email thread to scheme about convincing Jolie to abandon the clearly inadequate Roth script and just film the play.

"I've been saying let's do this for a year," Rudin wrote. "So obviously the best idea. We ought to make this with her and Fassbender or Hardy or Cumberbatch and go home. And feel very smart." "now we need to convince here," Pascal replied. They worked out a plan: Rudin would reply-all suggesting that the trio make the play.

"She will be scared to just totally throw out Eric's script," Pascal wrote, to which Rudin responded, "Yes, we should definitely save Roth over Shakespeare...."

So Rudin attempted to woo Jolie, telling her "The Antony and Cleopatra story is the greatest, most romantic, epic part of the story and Shakespeare told is magnificently. It's the greatest play he ever wrote and it's changed the life of every woman who played it. It's the best female part he ever wrote." Pascal responded at length, "wondering" out loud if maybe the reason "the perfect actress who also happens to be a giant movie star" can't get a director for her movie is that "the script has not given anyone the foundation they are looking for to point the way."

But Jolie wasn't having it. Among other things, she didn't think Roth's script was as "off" as Rudin and Pascal did, worse "making it a love story could undermined the female leadership and epic."

I have just joined the email exchange. Above all I'm thrilled to hear the passion you both continue to have for this. I would say however that I don't think it's as off as you both do. I think making it a love story could undermined the female leadership and epic that we have built. I just got an email from a smaller director friend I love and trust who understands that it needs to streamline and shorten but was so taken by how well constructed and timely it is. All the things we always wanted it to be and nothing less. The person went on and on about it

I think we need a good script editor to work with Eric. He's open or will do with me. He knows we need to make it shorter to not be as intimidating. And I think we continue to discuss with great directors.

My point is that we have done something special and I don't think we should adjust course but streamline and clarify and hold strong.

But of course, I'm open to all discussions.

Rudin's reply, sent privately to Pascal, is succinct: "She's seriously out of her mind." "I think we need an in person long conversation the three of us," Pascal wrote; to which Rudin replied, again privately, "Nooooooo noooooo noooooo please! Not a meeting!" Jolie did not reply.

Pascal and Rudin's relationship, clobbered by their attempts to juggle Fincher, Jolie, Sorkin, and Roth through two movies—not to mention their desperate efforts to save a disastrous Cameron Crowe film—would end just a few months later. Cleopatra, though, is still alive. By August, Jolie, who'd "already discussed a script editor with Eric," had circled back to Scorcese again, "aiming for 2016." In November, Pascal and Jolie discussed the prospect. "Unbelievably excited," Jolie wrote; Pascal replied: "Me too/Lori and I talked about wigs last night." Now we'll just have to wait to someday see if Cleopatra is worth scuttling Jobs.


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