During Saturday Night Live this weekend, a 15-second spot advertising the upcoming Daft Punk album aired. If the music debuting in the clip isn't a collaboration with dance-music legend Nile Rogers, who will have some hand in the full-length (the extent to which is as yet unknown), it sure wants to sound like it: It chugs along like Rogers' band Chic with the kind of lite cheese that Daft Punk so expertly sprinkle on some of their work.

Also, it sounds live and very well could be: Someone who knows about these things recently told me that the upcoming album (whose name we don't yet know) is going to be all live — drums, guitars, keyboards, bass, you name it. Take this with the same grain of salt you would for any rumors predating an official announcement, but if it is the case, it'll be a huge departure from the band's last proper album, 2005's highly programmed Human After All. Get excited.

The stock market is up. Corporate profits are booming. Very little of that money is flowing to the workers. And even less is flowing to the unemployed. Each week, we bring you true stories of unemployment, from the people who've lived it. This is what's happening out there.

Holidays on ice

We won't be celebrating any holidays this year. 2012 will not be going down as a good one. Our next-door neighbors are still rocking their usual Griswold-type light show, demonstrating their annual disregard for tasteful holiday decorations, and nearby suburban neighborhood blocks are displaying thousands of light balls in the trees, collecting food and donations from the thousands of cars that pass through, for Second Harvest Food Bank. Christmastime is going gangbusters locally, even as it kicks residential power bills into top-dollar ranges for the season.

There won't be any gifts, a tree, a wreath or any candles in the windows at our house this year. There's not much point, and we can't afford the extra cost on the electric bill. My kids each got a much-needed haircut, my son a couple of new sweaters and my daughter a new pair of boots. They need those things now, so they didn't get wrapped to place under a tree. As much as my son wants a bass guitar and my daughter a cello for school orchestra, they know those items will just have to wait and not even to ask.

It's embarrassing. We're doing our best to maintain appearances as a nice, middle class family. It's just not so easy any more. What's so difficult is that we realize how embarrassing it is for everyone else. If we show even a crack in the façade-that we are failing at being what we have always been-every one who knows us still has to pretend that nothing is wrong. Well, things are all kinds of wrong.

I've been out of work for over a year. There are no jobs for me locally. I am applying for jobs where the market is better, but I can't even get things started with a phone interview because there are plenty of candidates already living in the cities where I am applying and they are probably all younger than I am, since I turned 50 this year. No one is offering relo packages any more. I've considered moving in with friends and leaving my family behind, just so I can be "local" somewhere for a little while. I can only be sure I'll get UI for another three weeks, then, I'm probably getting pushed off the cliff. I bring in less than $400 a month from my two part-time jobs teaching classes at local gyms. My husband is self-employed and his work has been extremely slow for the last five months. We both work, all day, every day. I'm looking for jobs, contacting people about potential freelance work and making myself available for as many classes a day as my gym managers will give me. My husband is writing (mostly for free, because even big online publishers don't pay for articles, but we tell ourselves it's good exposure), contacting former clients, preparing job proposals, making calls to clients who haven't paid yet and exhausting himself trying to find that elusive long-term client with a decent budget and a project that has yet to be awarded. There's a lot of work going on but not a lot of money being made.

We're falling behind. The house needs work, windows need painting, faucets are dripping, and ceilings are cracking. Some bills and the taxes just aren't getting paid. We get at least three calls a day from some creditor, the mortgage, utilities, the orthodontist. We aren't that far behind, but these guys don't just sit back and wait any more. They don't want to be last in line if some money shows up. Our bank is actually the worst. Now, when we do manage to get a check in, they will hold the deposit from five to ten days. We are at their mercy, until they decide that we can spend "our" money. They think nothing of charging us overdraft fees if we set up an online payment but they haven't released the funds yet. This morning I got an email from them reminding me how "easy" it is to pay my credit card balance because they offer four different ways to make my payments and I should call them right away to get in on their amazing offer. Gosh, who knew?

I've gained 30 pounds in the last year. This is not a good thing for a group fitness instructor. We mostly eat pasta, rice, homemade pizza, tacos and potatoes. My hair is getting really grey. I haven't had a haircut since last April. I'm thankful that my kids wear the same size shoes as my husband and myself. They still need clothes for school though. It's weird when I shop in Goodwill and see our old stuff. If I actually got an in-person job interview, none of my clothes fit any more, so I'm not sure what I could wear and still look professional.

I cry a lot at night, when everyone else is asleep. I feel like crying all the time, but I don't want my kids to see me. They know things are not good, and they're pretty stressed out about it. Tempers are short and it gets harder and harder not to shout when they ask why we don't have certain things any more. This morning, the national news channel offered the helpful sound bite that kids who have happy childhoods, grow up to make more money as adults. My kids are so screwed. I am so sorry for that.

We sold our second car. I sold our wedding china. That was the last month we covered all the bills. I look at everything we own now and try to imagine how much we could sell it for. Is it worth one month of a credit card bill? My parents are retired, my Dad barely survives on his SS, my Mom is currently supporting my brother, who was unemployed for over two years, and now works a part-time job for $10 an hour. He has two college degrees but has gone back to school to get IT certifications. My sister's husband was laid off last month. My husband's parents have offered to bring a ham when they come to stay at our house after Christmas this year. This is an incredibly generous offer of help for them. I hope they like ham, because that's all we'll have to eat.

A lot of people will imagine that we brought this on ourselves. We had some really good years; we had savings. We took vacations. We chose to live in places that were interesting to us that may have been more financially risky, but we felt the overall lifetime value was good. My husband decided to start his own company in 2007. Our goal was to build the business in a safe market, with an eye toward growing first, then moving back to a larger metropolitan area when things got going. Now, we are stuck in a state with an unemployment rate still above 9%, with an interest-only mortgage, a maxed-out equity line and no options to refinance or modify. The house won't sell for what we owe on it. We can't move; we can't stay. Our savings are long gone and we haven't had health insurance for years.

It felt good to write this all down. I can't talk about our misery with anyone. That would be rude. It would be unfair to disrupt the norm. It's become very hard to look around and see any good. I see waste and overspending, disregard and disrespect for those who are suffering and an incredible sense of entitlement amongst those who will never have to worry about their child's next meal. Black Friday made me want to vomit. I'd like to hold close to the idea that things will work out in the end-the economy will improve, people who need jobs will find them and families will be able to survive again. This year, my holiday spirit is crushed.

The editor

When I was 21 I got pregnant and became a single mother. I had no viable means of supporting my son, so I moved into family housing on a university campus and put myself through college, becoming editor of my college newspaper and earning a degree in journalism (smart move, huh?).
In addition to the small amount of welfare money I received when I was in school (full-time), I also typed master's student's papers at night, hostessed at a restaurant at lunch time, cleaned the day-care center director's house to help pay for care for my then-toddler, and cashiered at a grocery store on weekends and nights.
But, I got my degree and then jumped into newspapers. Over the last 20 years of working 65-75 hour weeks, I advanced from a reporter at a small town newspaper to a bureau chief to an executive editor to an editor at a major metropolitan newspaper. Along the way I earned multiple awards, including several national ones.
In the meantime, I married and had another child. When my ex-husband and I went through our divorce, my son ended up living with his father because of the crazy hours I had to keep in my career. I rarely got off work until 8 or 9 p.m. and often worked weekends. Luckily, both of my sons are well-adjusted and are just starting their professional lives.
About eight years ago I left the major metro because layoffs were coming and I was offered a managing editor position at a small newspaper. I took the job, and five years ago I was laid off. I was lucky, however, to almost immediately get offered another job as a magazine editor. Like so many others, the magazine folded in less than a year. At the exact same time, my husband was laid off as a construction manager.
Then when the market crashed, we lost every penny of our retirement 401ks. It took my husband over a year to find a job that pays $15 an hour. I have yet to find full-time work. I do freelance work for a variety of publications, but payment is almost always an issue. My personal income has fallen from $85,000 annually to about $12,000. With my husband's income, our combined annual pay fell from about $140,000 to about $30,000. We've lost our home and have sunk deeper and deeper into debt despite the fact that we haven't used a credit card in over four years.
Things got so bad that we finally filed for bankruptcy, and our court date is coming up in a couple of weeks. Some of our creditors are fighting this and are asking the court to garnish my husband's wages.
To top things off, I had a CT scan for a stomach issue and they found a mass on my ovary. My doctor wants to do a hysterectomy, but the hospital won't allow it because they want the 20 percent (about $6,000) paid up-front that our insurance won't pick up. This was after the insurance company tried to initially claim this as elective surgery.
I've applied for any type of work available. I've even been turned down for waitressing jobs, with the employers saying that when a better job comes along I'll just leave, so why should they put time and money into training me?
Despite all of this, I am grateful. My husband and I have weathered this together and he still finds ways to make me laugh. Our children are terrific and we have four beautiful, healthy grandchildren.

The thin, low fence

My spouse and I work for a company that provides retail services. Around the time of year when all retail hell breaks loose, our little slice of the grind goes absolutely dead. It's like clockwork. For eight weeks of the year, we're dead in the water.

When the work is there, it's hard work, tedious and at all hours of the day and night. Our bodies are worn down, our minds turned to sludge, but we hang in and rake in with both hands because of one simple truth: it will not last. Unemployment is coming again, too soon, in just a matter of months.

A handful of weeks per year without income is plenty to keep a family of two on the wrong side of the poverty line. I've read in this series how surprised people are that one can go from employed to destitute in a short period of time. I know the time limit is in weeks. No matter how forewarned one is, the reality is still as breaking this year as it was the last.

Depression? You betcha. Self-hatred and loss of pride? A Christmas gift each year. The only thing that separates us from the shoals of total unemployment, and how grateful I am that there is this thin, low fence! is that we know the day the suffering ends, even before it begins.

And I am truly grateful. Before this job, I was unable to work for nearly two years. My spouse supported me through that time. Some years previous, it was my spouse who was unemployed while I kept us afloat. Now we work together, as the awesome team we are. When, as I said, there is work to be done.

I am also grateful to be experiencing this in the context of a loving relationship. It is this that has kept certain personal dreams alive. My spouse makes me use the annual down time to write the stories I dream of during up time. Certain sympathetic publishers continue to look kindly on my efforts. These are small hopes to hold, but I have them.

I know that without them, an indifferent world will soon unmake me as capriciously as it created me.

The social media manager

I had been laid off before years ago but the really bad stretch started in 2011 when the cable operator I worked for merged with another large company. On the day of the merger many at my channel were let go but I remained. The new management came in and quickly started working towards eliminating more by asking those terrible questions you never want to hear. "walk us through your day" or "Is there anyone else who does your work". Team infighting was horrible and I dreaded going into work each day. I only managed to survive a few more months until my day came in fact. I saw the full list of staff laid off and it was in the hundreds. How could a company whose reported billions in profit need to cut this much staff? It was a harsh corporate reality I had to wake up to. Luckily I had some work lined up but that was tenuous at best as this company reported hundreds of millions in losses. I go from one spewing cash to another in the red. Hopes weren't that high. Getting laid off twice was not something future employers want to hear because many still operate under the laid off = fired syndrome but I had to take it. 3 months in the worry became reality... [Later] an old colleague of mine called with an offer for a few hours freelancing. Not enough to pay the bill, but enough to keep someone's mind from going to dark places. A few months in I got news that that channel was shutting down and I was to be out of work again at the end of the December. Then a week later I ran over a cat on my way home. As a cat owner this devastated me

I actually keep track of the amount of jobs I've applied to because I'm sadistic and also because the state requires me to do so for some reason though they never check. In 2011 alone it was 300 jobs. In 2012 it was over 400. Understand that I was a social media manager who has extensive web production background with a good cache of brand experience - my skills are not exactly on their way out. Furthermore I know how to target jobs that are appropriate. See: I don't waste time on jobs I couldn't possibly do. I have an online portfolio, and even multiple resumes catered towards certain skills. One of them is an infographic one! I've reached out to multiple recruiters with personally written letters on linkedin or even on twitter to try to get their attention. I've personally written many catered cover letters but it's all the same: radio silence. And that problem I projected before about multiple layoffs is always an issue even if not implicitly stated. That awkard pause after my response to why I'm no longer working at the last two jobs. The rejection letters almost mean nothing to me anymore. 3/4th of jobs don't respond - despite requiring a large time invested in the application process. I think it's the phone screens I've done that wear me out the most in the process because it gives me some hope. I've done so many I've lost count.

My wife and I also bought a house in 2010 and then my first kid, a daughter, was born a month ago. I don't want to say any of that was a bad choice to but it was risky given the situation. I really couldn't have predicted it would be this hard given what I have to offer but it is devastatingly so. I post to a news blog of mine to try to keep some semblance of "doing something" but it's mostly a lie I tell myself. It's a daily and sometimes hourly struggle to keep my sanity and hope. Now I'm a college educated stay at home dad with years of experience (but not too much) who ran over a cat looking for a job 8 hours a day. When will things change?

Youth

I feel like I've read close to twenty of these unemployment stories, so I will tell my own.
I'm not really sure what happened other than being born in 1988 to be forecast into a dead economy when the coming-of-age job market is supposed to be a sea of opportunities. Freshly graduated with a depression and overall mental exhaustion, I opted to take a job as a member of the night shift at an all-night cafe in a university town. Getting metaphorically shit on by the children of the one percent was grand, but what made it better was the 9.50 I made. At one point, closing at 2:30 am after a fully drunken legion of asshole 20year olds with millionaire parents verbally assaulted me for pizza bagels
(our cafes speciality) and milkshakes, I screamed out (in full view of my supervisor) "WHY DON'T THEY JUST PAY ME IN SHIT?!" making the other cafe worker, a university student who now has a cushy job buying clothes for Saks, laughed out loud... Needless to say, I gathered a reputation as a bitch but also the only one who could keep the drunk and high college students from ripping the place apart at 1am...

I left when the little twink of a forty year old poet got promoted to manager and wanted me to metaphorically suck the dicks of the little shit heads. I called in one hour before I was scheduled. One month later I was hired at the same owner of the cafes new restaurant, to the horror of the cafes staff, and was the hot new hostess of the hot new restaurant in that town. That position was also a bust, the management at that staff being WORSE and trying a strange post-Marxian we're-all-equal-at-this-restaurant rhetoric combined with cutting hours at random to see who would stick it out. Oh yeah, and setting incredibly low prices for the already half good food that put our tips at 5.00 that we would then split between wait staff, kitchen staff, and host staff. I think I cleared $8.00 an hour. I left that job in a fit of fierce tears, then within one week was dumped and told I would not have a renewed lease because my gaping asshole landlords needed to renovate my apartment. No affordable apartments, I moved back to my notoriously rainy upstate hometown which now plays home to a nice new heroin epidemic.

I've been unemployed since May and have stopped looking. I can't. I was hospitalized in August after
suicidal ideations due to living in a stressful, abusive family environment which I cannot escape. I was hired at an insurance firm shortly after my hospitilization but was unable to take the stress of having to learn a strange, new insurance language, a decision I kick myself everyday for. But I couldn't get my mental illness under control enough to stay calm to learn the shit to pass the test I was shelling out $75 for, the classes to take the exam (apparently required, also costing ridiculous money which I would not be reimbursed by the company for) and generally not connecting with the material at hand. Now that I have some time away, I realize that was an immature young adult decision I could be paying seriously for for a long time...

I have thought about becoming a stripper but am too fat (I have gained weight, it is hard to exercise when you don't want to get out of bed) and afraid to go into that type of environment. I believe I may ultimately make that choice. It used to be stripping to pay for college. Now it will be stripping with a college degree because you should have stripped in the first place, dumb cunt. I'm only dumb for being born, apparently.

Previously
The full archive of our "Unemployment Stories" series can be found here.

[Thanks to everyone who wrote in. You can send your own unemployment story here. Photo via AP.]

The "Baby Battle" at the annual Chelles Battle Pro breakdancing competition is mostly a platform for crews to showcase up-and-coming b-boys and b-girls who will present a threat in battles to come.

But during this past weekend's Baby Battle at the 2013 Chelles Battle Pro, six-year-old Terra of the Soul Mavericks crew slayed her much older opponent, Leelou of The Ruggeds, turning many a judges' head in the process.

"Dora the Destroyer" easily picked up the title of "best dancer of the Baby battle," and she proved herself worthy of going up against the big b-boys.

[H/T: Uproxx via Neatorama]

Though less of an actual anti-marriage-equality ad and more of an intentional parody created by Brandon Muller of NonRandomNonSense, "The Ultimate Anti-Gay Marriage Ad" nonetheless manages to get across the anti-marriage-equality camp's grievances against same-sex marriage better than most real anti-marriage-equality ads.

Of course, in doing so, it also manages to make it abundantly clear that opponents of same-sex marriage have no real grievances besides the ones that are ripe for parody.

[H/T: Good As You]

Everyone remembers the first time they turned 19. Their "Neat Nineteen." The big one-nine. For some, it is one of the best days of their lives. For others, it is absolutely the best day of their lives.

For Justin Bieber, it was neither. It was, in fact, the "worst birthday."

Here's the story in his own words:

Let's rewind. On Bieber Birthday Friday, Justin Bieber kicked off the worldwide celebration of his birth with a shopping spree at Selfridges, a high-end London department store founded by Jeremy Piven. According to Us Weekly, Bieber bought himself "some Christian Louboutin sneakers" and "Hermes accessories"; "a ton of Balmain and Givenchy swag"; pearls and pomegranates and a platinum hatpin; a haunted magician's box and a black-blooded snake.

It was the worst birthday.

For Justin Bieber Birthday Dinner, Justin Bieber and his friends dined at Mint Leaf, a swanky Indian restaurant in Haymarket. If any moms were in attendance, they probably asked "Can I have some mo' samosas, please?"—a really classic joke.

It was the worst birthday.

After dinner, with spicy tongues and rumbly tummies, Justin Bieber and his Band of Merry Mans and Them made their way to a club for the official Justin Bieber's Birthday birthday pop-off.

It was to be circus-themed.

[Play Soundtrack]

The general consensus among tabloids, witnesses, and representatives of the "Cirque Du Soir" nightclub is that Justin Bieber's night went from "brat" to "worst" after a couple of his guests were refused entry to the club for being underage. The coolest kids Bieber rolls with: rumored girlfriend, 17-year-old Ella-Paige Roberts Clarke, and Will Smith's 14-year-old son Jayden. The minimum age for entry is 18.

A few members of Bieber's entourage reportedly argued with the club's security guards, who refused to convert the guests' ages from human to dog years. Then the group left.

A friend of Bieber's bemoaned on Twitter that poor Justin Bieber can't never have fun — not even on his birthday. Damn.

It was the worst birthday.

In a note posted to Instagram, Bieber maintains that he never attempted to bring "underage people"—specifically Jayden Smith—to Cirque Du Soir. He reveals that Cirque Du Soir is a "weak ass club" whose managment lied to the press "so they wouldn't look bad" after Bieber left abruptly on account of the club's weak-assedness and explains that it was the "worst bday" because some "dummies" pushed his fans. He also says it "wasn't the worst bday cuz" he was able to spend time with friends. :)

The funny moment when people believe I brought underage people to a club.. U think Will is letting his 14 year old in a club, I don't think so.. 2nd I love how the club wanted to give the press another reason to why we didn't stay at their weak ass club so they wouldn't look bad for me walking in and right back out..i said m "worst bday" but that was due to dummies pushing over my fans and being overly aggressive. Btw it wasn't the worst bday cuz all my friends from back home flew in I was just mad in the moment

Then he retweeted thirty-eight people telling him they love him and then he felt better.

[Daily Mail / Instagram // Image via Getty]

Ten months ago, Navy vet Ron White began a monumental task: Memorizing the names and ranks of over 2,200 American service members, CIA agents, and civilian contractors who have been killed since the start of the War in Afghanistan.

"I just wanted to acknowledge that each person who died was an individual person," said White, who served a tour in Afghanistan in 2007. "You know, Gunnery Sgt. Benjamin Adam and LCPL. Leopold Damas, they were all moms and dads, brothers and sisters and they were each individual people."

In honor of their memory, White launched the America's Memory project. Over the next year, White will travel to various cities, where he will erect a 50-foot-wide by 7-feet-tall dry-erase board and proceed to spell out the names of the fallen.

His first attempt took place last week in his hometown of Fort Worth, where he spent the day writing out over 7,000 words in the presence of several onlookers who had lost their family members in Afghanistan.

"It made me real happy to make think that someone is still thinking about our boys that gave their lives," said Maryanne Buckner, whose grandson, PFC. Austin Staggs, was killed in Afghanistan over two years ago. "I don't want him to be forgotten, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that he's not forgotten. That's why I'm here today."

White, who has a world-record-setting memory, said his tribute goes beyond a mere list of dead Americans.

During the 10 months he spent memorizing the names, White also spent many hours meeting with the relatives of those who were killed.

"They tell me who they were, about their character, about their bravery and their courage, and I'm a better person for hearing those stories," he said. "People are always thanking me for doing this, but I've become a better person by doing it."

Money raised through White's memorial will be donated to the Wounded Warrior Project, a nonprofit organization whose motto states, "the greatest casualty is being forgotten."

View more videos at: http://nbcdfw.com.

[H/T: BroBible, screengrab via NBCDFW]

The Domino Sugar Factory is a big old abandoned factory by the Williamsburg bridge. Soon, the Domino Sugar Factory will be a virtual forest of gleaming new condos and office buildings including not just one, but two huge towers with with holes in the middle of them. "This has the opportunity to be what new Brooklyn says to the world," said the project's architect. And what the new Brooklyn says to the world is, "It is now easier than ever for the financiers who will soon make up the bulk of the residents of Williamsburg's waterfront to land their hovercrafts inside of their be-holed condominium tower."

This has been your very latest new trend report on Williamsburg, a "hip" neighborhood.

[Curbed. Photo: SHoP architects]

A female concertgoer trying to sneak a closer peek at Blink-182 during their recent performance at the 2013 Melbourne Soundwave Festival was forced to take a hard route towards the realization that when a security fence bears a sign that reads "no climbing" it really means "atomic wedgies ahead."

[H/T: Guyism]

A man impersonating a Bishop managed to sneak past Vatican security and get photographed with a cardinal—with only confidence, a winning smile, an entourage of fake clerics, and a too-short cassock. Good thing people still know what that is, because this paltry robe was his giveaway.

On Monday, this fraudster attempted to slink into the conclave—the secret meetings in which Catholic cardinals try to determine their next Pope. He selected the very real sounding name of Basilius and claimed he was a bishop in the Italian Orthodox Church, which surprisingly does not exist. The fake bishop even posed for a choice photo-op with real Italian Cardinal Sergio Sebastiani, president emeritus of the Vatican's Prefecture for Economic Affairs. Basilius wriggled past at least one round of security before he was stopped outside of the Sistine Chapel and God's judgey pointer finger.

Doing their thing as fourth estate watchdogs, Italian news agency ANSA exposed Basilius as Ralph Napierski, a German man who is part of a nonexistent Catholic group called Corpus Dei (like "Opus Dei," but fake).

It turns out that you can make Napierski's winning costume with simple home items—including a black fedora in place of a clergyman's skull cap and your mother's fuchsia scarf used a sash. And a little group of fake priests who you have presumably hired.

[USA Today, image via Getty/AFP]

A Czech court has acquitted Lamb of God frontman Randy Blythe of manslaughter charges related to the 2010 death of Daniel Nosek, a fan who was pushed off the stage by Blythe during a concert in Prague.

Blythe admitted to pushing 19-year-old Nosek, but said he was unaware of his subsequent death, which occurred several weeks later, and had only learned of the charges against him when his band had returned to Prague last June.

"I have been found not guilty & acquitted of all charges against me," Blythe wrote in an Instagram post a short while ago. "I am a free man."

He added: "Please remember the family of Daniel Nosek in your thoughts & prayers in this difficult time. I only wish for them peace."

Though the presiding judge ruled that Blythe's actions "had not constituted a crime," the prosecution remained unsatisfied and has already filed an appeal.

If convicted, Blythe faced up to 10 years in prison.

[photo via Instagram]

Brian Williams is the blow-dried anchor of NBC Nightly News. His salary is $13 million per year. His daughter stars on Girls. But hey, don't go thinking Brian Williams is fancy—has he told you about his working class roots?

As anyone who has heard Brian Williams talk in any social or public setting can testify, the newsman loves nothing more than to describe his working class roots, back in Jersey, at length. Despite the fact that he is generally well-liked, Brian Williams is determined, in a borderline pathological way, to drive home the point to each and every American: Hey, I am just like you, notwithstanding my great wealth and fame. A single appearance on Alec Baldwin's WNYC radio show yesterday offered the following examples:

Alec Baldwin: When asked for a report on his own life, he describes his early years as a ‘Grindingly middle class upbringing.'

Brian Williams: I did not know vegetables came fresh. I thought they were frozen bricks in the field. Salad was 1/8 of a head of iceberg lettuce sliced with a steak knife with a spoonful dollop of mayonnaise on the top. My mother's goulash was one can Spaghettios and ¼ pound ground beef. We had Spam. We had what everybody else had.

Alec Baldwin: You grew up in New Jersey, right? Was it Ridgewood, New Jersey?

Brian Williams: Born in Ridgewood, New Jersey. We moved for the first eight or nine years of my life to Elmira, New York, and then most of my life was spent in Middletown, New Jersey, on the Jersey shore.

Tell us more about these grindingly middle class times in Jersey.

Brian Williams: My dad, former manager of John Wanamaker department store in Philly, he took a job with Corning Glass in Corning, New York. We lived in adjacent Elmira. Got fired with a slew of executives in a purge of Corning, and then really bounced from job to job, had a tough time-heart attack at 50. That sent us back to the Jersey shore where he could at least find work in New York City. But we had some rough financial times after that.

Did you mingle with the common man?

I mean, [I was] a volunteer fireman in Jersey. I can't sit around with those guys saying, ‘Fellas, here's what you don't know about me in the future. Here's what I intend to do.' It just wouldn't have made any sense.

Any friends with Italian names?

Brian Williams: I went to a Catholic high school. I went to the local community college. I was a townie. I had applied for a civil service job as the nighttime Monmouth County Police Fire dispatcher out of Freehold, but my life took a turn. A buddy of mine took me to Washington, D.C.-Tony Laveglia. Everybody has a Tony Laveglia.

How did a grindingly middle class Jersey boy like you make it in Washington, DC?

Brian Williams: Well, fast forward. I'm at Catholic University having transferred my meager credits. Guy named Rocco comes into our dorm, and says, ‘Does anybody want my internship in the White House?' I raised my hand, because I had a blue blazer from my job at Sears in Middletown, New Jersey.

And after you finally broke into TV reporting in Kansas—you must have been rich?!

Brian Williams: That was the adjoining town where my efficiency apartment was, not to brag. You know, I was a working poor. I'm on television in this market in Kansas, going home and making an art form of slicing, and if you've ever done this, you know. You take one can of Spam. If you fry an egg in that pan, you can make a Spam steak in a frying pan, and you can get four or five slices out of one can of Spam. With some toast, it's a meal at night.

But have you totally forgotten those long-ago hard times?

Brian Williams: To this day, I like Ramen noodles. I do.

Alec Baldwin: [Laughter]

Brian Williams: I like Ramen noodles -

Alec Baldwin: There's too much sodium in those.

Brian Williams: Hebrew National hot dogs and Spaghettios. My big three.

Brian Williams is sorry that it's been a long time since he rapped at ya, but his fuckin' piece of shit Dodge Dart blew a transmission and he's been workin' his ass off.

[WNYC. Photo: Getty]

A couple from Arlington, Virginia is accusing their Realtor of stealing clothing from their home — and they have the surveillance footage to prove it.

While the homeowners were away last month, 60-year-old Stephen Brumme of Silver Spring entered their house, ostensibly to show it to potential buyers.

But while waiting for interested parties to arrive, Brumme was caught on the couple's web-enabled dropcam rummaging through their dresser drawers.

When the victims returned home, they realized some clothing — specifically women's clothing — had gone missing, and checked the camera footage for answers.

According to the homeowners, the camera was installed inside the bedroom in plain sight after another Realtor had apparently dropped a razor blade in the family's garbage disposal.

They were also hoping to use it to record the reactions of visitors during the open house.

The footage was brought to the attention of local authorities, who subsequently arrested Brumme on charges of burglary and possession of burglarious tools.

He was later released on bail, but police now suspect other homeowners may have fallen victim to Brumme's scam and are asking previous clients who have lost possessions to come forward.

Brumme's real estate license has since been suspended.

[H/T: HyperVocal, video via ARLnow]

"1 IN 10 YALE STUDENTS SAY THEY'VE BEEN PAID FOR SEX..." tweeted internet behemoth Matt Drudge just a minute ago. Yikes! Drudge, who is commonly understood to be gay, links out to a report on the blog of anti-Yale crusader Nathan Harden, who looks more or less exactly the way you'd expect a guy obsessed with the amount of sex on the Yale campus to look.

"Nine percent of Yale University students who participated in a recent survey on sexual behavior reported having been paid for sex at least once," the blog post opens. The next paragraph: "The survey was administered to a group of about forty students on Saturday during a workshop meant to prompt students to 'reconsider their idea of "normal",' according to the Yale Daily News."

Harden calls "nine percent" of "about forty" "a significant number of students at an elite Ivy League school." I'd call it... about four. Of a self-selected group of students attending a sex workshop. Yale is so vanilla that even at its sex workshops it can't get more than one person who's had sex with an animal, or four people who've performed sex work.

A day after Oberlin College canceled classes when a month of racist, homophobic and anti-Semitic graffiti graffiti culminated in the early-morning sighting of a figure wearing Ku Klux Klan robes, an Oberlin police spokesman suggested that the report of the KKK figure may have been mistaken, and that the college had already identified the vandals responsible for the hate graffiti.

"My understanding is that the individuals are college students and they have been identified. They are no longer on campus," Lt. Mike McCloskey told The Guardian. "The college is dealing with it internally, and we have been working in co-operation with the college."

We reported yesterday on rumors that faculty and administration members had been informed that the person responsible was associated with the Multicultural Resource Center and would be "disciplined internally." A student source tells us that all MRC staff and student staff are still on campus, which, if the police are correct, exonerates them.

According to the Guardian, there are two students responsible, "but it is unclear if they were motivated by racial hatred, or—as has been suggested—were attempting a commentary on free speech."

As for the figure in robes: "Officers checked the area and were unable to locate anybody," McCloskey said. "College security later saw a student wrapped in a blanket." Police apparently believe it to have been an "innocent mistake."

[Guardian, Chronicle-Telegram, image via Oberlin Microagressions]

Just one week after the Boy Scouts of America excitedly announced the upcoming performances of Train and Carly Rae Jepsen at the 2013 National Scout Jamboree, both acts have announced their decision to drop out over the organization's ban on gays.

A large-scale call-to-action campaign by GLAAD and Eagle Scout Derek Nance aimed at bringing the Boy Scouts' long-standing ban on openly gay members to Jepsen and Train's attention proved fruitful last Friday when Train posted a message on their blog saying they were not aware of the Boy Scouts' anti-gay policies and will not participate in the Jamboree unless the BSA reverses course on discrimination before then.

Earlier today, the second shoe dropped when Jepsen, who had been tapped to open the Jamboree, took to Twitter to say that she too was standing down.

"As an artist who believes in equality for all people, I will not be participating in the Boy Scouts of America Jamboree this summer," tweeted Justin Bieber's protégé. "I always have and will continue to support the LGBT community on a global level."

No statement yet from the Boy Scouts on how the group plans to fill the vacated headliner slots following this latest development. "Jambo 2013" will take place at the Summit Bechtel Reserve in West Virginia starting July 15th.

[images via Jamboree, Scouting]

The idea of drones over New York City have inspired art projects and a rap song. Now they may be a reality too. The FAA is investigating a report from an Alitalia passenger jet of a drone spotting over Brooklyn, as he approached JFK airport in Queens. "We saw a drone, ad drone aircraft," the pilot told controllers, according to audio played on Good Morning America, below.

The FAA told CNN in a statement that it is "investigating a report... he saw a small, unmanned or remote-controlled aircraft while on final approach to Runway 31 Right... The sighting was approximately four to five miles west of the airport at an altitude of approximately 1,500 feet." No other pilots reported seeing the drone, according to CNN.

Without any more description it's impossible to tell if this might be some sort of heavy-duty unmanned aerial vehicle, or a hobbyist remote controlled gadget, which we know take to the skies occasionally around New York. In any event, the NYPD doesn't currently use drones in New York, but it's only a matter of time.

Update: The FBI has released a statement saying they'd like your help in identifying the drone operator.

On Monday, March, 4, 2013, at approximately 1:15 p.m., the pilot of Alitalia Flight #608 spotted a small, unmanned aircraft while on approach to John F. Kennedy International Airport. The Alitalia flight was roughly three miles from runway 31R when the incident occurred at an altitude of approximately 1,750 feet. The unmanned aircraft came within 200 feet of the Alitalia plane.

The FBI is investigating the incident and looking to identify and locate the aircraft and its operator. The unnamed aircraft was described as black in color and no more than three feet wide with four propellers.

Update II: a Tipster points out that Floyd Bennet Field in Brooklyn, just a few miles from JFK, is a favorite spot for remote-controlled plane enthusiasts to fly. It even hosts an R/C air show in the summer. Maybe the drone launched from there?

[via AnimalNY, image via AP]

Women. They're dying younger. What is up with that, ladies?

A new study published in the journal Health Affairs found the following odd thing:

We examined trends in male and female mortality rates from 1992–96 to 2002–06 in 3,140 US counties. We found that female mortality rates increased in 42.8 percent of counties, while male mortality rates increased in only 3.4 percent. Several factors, including higher education levels, not being in the South or West, and low smoking rates, were associated with lower mortality rates.

Our favorite of these is "not being in the South or West," as a way to not die younger. Something for everyone to strongly consider: not being in the South or West.

As to why this counterintuitive mortality disparity between women and men has cropped up, nobody's sure.

Ladies?

[Photo of women striving desperately to ignore their fate: Shutterstock]

Every time she opens her mouth to speak, Taylor Swift, an antique doll brought to life by black magic, becomes more and more terrifying.

This month, like an agent of Satan, she informs Vanity Fair who will be going to hell and for what crimes (spoiler alert: crimes against Taylor Swift). She schools everyone on sexism (broadly: You Are Being Sexist). She bops around her living room getting ready for a night out with her best gals, when "O Fortuna" comes on and she shrieks "I love this song!" and snaps a rabbit's neck just to feel it go still in her hands and blood starts running down all of the mirrors. (That part didn't actually happen or, if it did, was not transcribed by Vanity Fair.)

Here's what we learned about Taylor Swift today:

Taylor Swift thinks (or at least hopes) Amy Poehler and Tina Fey will burn in hell for gently ribbing her at the Golden Globes.

While hosting this year's Golden Globes, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did a brief riff on Taylor Swift's love life, instantly causing everyone in the universe to hate them forever, and earning them a reputation as America's Hitler and Pol Pot – or so it seemed to Taylor Swift. Asked how she felt about the joke (Fey told Swift from the stage to "stay away from Michael J. Fox's son" and that she could use a little "me time," while Poehler advised her to "Go for it"—that's it; end of joke), Swift responded with a quote about how they are Damned.

"You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people, because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.'"

How does Taylor Swift help other women? By informing them in advance that they have been condemned to a wretched eternity in hell. C U NEXT TUESDAY IN HELL, BITCHES, she rages. Women helping women. It's beautiful.

Taylor Swift will not tell you an outright lie about whether she bought a house next to the Kennedy family's in Hyannis Port, but she really, really hopes you don't think she did.

"People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like-that's a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me… if there's a house rumor, they'll find out it's not true when you are actively not ever spotted at that house."

She totally did buy that house.

According to Vanity Fair, it was purchased last year under the name of a member of Taylor Swift's management company, and was recently flipped and resold.

Taylor Swift refuses to talk about her love life herself, but she will authorize one of her BFFs to tell you everything, which is the same thing as her talking about it herself, except that now you can never say "Taylor Swift said that."

A source close to Taylor Swift tells the magazine, with the singer's blessing, that Harry Styles "chased" Swift for a year but that their relationship ended because he was a playa. The source also says that Swift dated Conor when he was 17 because she thought it would be easier than dating a guy in his 30s.

Taylor Swift's apartment is horrible, inspired by children.

The interview took place in Swift's apartment, the aesthetic of which she describes as "Tim Burton–Alice in Wonderland–pirate ship–Peter Pan." She was drinking a lavender lemonade.

UPDATE: When contacted by The Hollywood Reporter for comment, Poehler (who, the Reporter points out, runs a YouTube channel "dedicated to empowering younger girls") responded:

"Aw, I feel bad if she was upset. I am a feminist and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff. "

Here's hoping Tina Fey doubles down on her stance and releases a statement reading "Yo, Taylor Swift is a BITCH."

[Vanity Fair // Image via Getty]

A robbery attempt at a Dunkin' Donuts in West Haven, Connecticut, over the weekend was quickly foiled when a rogue employee doused the perp with a cup of hot coffee.

The clerk, identified only as Angelica, said a man who had rolled up to the drive-thru window after ordering coffee asked her to change a $100, which she declined to do.

That's when the man told the employee she was being robbed and began climbing out of his truck and into the drive-thru window.

Angelica says she tried to close the window, but the man's arm was in the way.

"I did see his coffee that I made him, so I looked at (it) quick, threw him the first one," she told NBC Connecticut. "Looked at the pots of coffee and threw the pot of coffee at him."

The man immediately took off toward his truck, leaving Angelica behind to seal the incident with a catchphrase: "I said, 'Go run on Dunkin'.'"

Police are still on the lookout for the suspect, who was last seen driving away in a white Ford Explorer.

[H/T: Fark]

Convicted fraudster and mother-looter Anthony Marshall was caught attempting to scam party-goers celebrating the building of the Titanic II. Marshall tried to hawk a century-old Astor family heirloom—one that he said was worn by his grandfather John Jacob Astor IV when he died aboard the Titanic in 1912. Turns out, the watch that Marshall was trying to sell never boarded the Titanic.

The real Titanic timepiece was purchased by a West Coast developer in 1997, who collects "luxury ocean-liner memorabilia." The provenance of the real watch begins when John Jacob Astor's belongings were shipped from the wreck to Nova Scotia where his grieving son Vincent picked them up. Vincent wore the watch for years, then gave it to his grandson, whose wife eventually sold the timepiece in an auction. Marshall disputes this, of course.

The 88-year-old fraudster is temporarily free while he appeals his one-to-three-year prison sentence for trying to steal $60 million from his mother, Brooke Astor. He attended the black-tie gala celebrating the Titanic II cruise ship last month. At the party thrown by Australian billionaire Clive Palmer, Marshall boasted that he could sell the watch for $1 million or the price of having no shame.

[New York Post, image via Getty]