Mexican wrestling star Perro Aguayo Jr. has died at 35 years old after an in-ring accident in a match last night in Tijuana. According to f4wonline.com, he hit the ring ropes after taking a dropkick from Rey Mysterio Jr., as seen in video of the full match, and was injured either then or when his tag team partner Manik hit them as well. (Either way, it seems to have been simply a freak accident.) As seen in the several videos above, taken from ringside—these are difficult to watch, but don't show the exact moment when Aguayo seems to have been injured—Mysterio and the other participants in the match continued briefly, with Aguayo's partner, apparently unaware of the seriousness of the situation, pulling him out of the way of the action. Medical personnel are seen attending to Aguayo in the video above, but he died later in the night in Tijuana's Hospital del Prado. There are conflicting reports on the cause of death, but the report above cites sources at the hospital who say it was cervical spine trauma caused by hitting the ropes.

h/t Ricardo

About 100 U.S. commandos, including Green Berets and Navy Seals, have been ordered to evacuate Yemen, NBC News reports. Al Qaeda fighters captured the capital of a southern Yemen province on Friday, while elsewhere ISIS suicide bombers attacked mosques in Sanaa.

The American troops have been training the Yemeni military in counter-terrorism operations. According to NBC News, they have not engaged the militants in combat directly.

Yemeni military and security officials told The Associated Press that Special Forces commandos were leaving the al-Annand air base near the southern city of al-Houta; they did not say whether the U.S. forces had left the country entirely.

From the AP:

Al-Qaida militants took al-Houta on Friday. Their offensive comes as Shiite rebels hold the capital and nine of Yemen's 21 provinces.

After this week's increase in sectarian violence, a source told NBC News that it was too dangerous for the U.S. Special Operations Forces to remain where they were. "The threat is too high," the source said. "Why take the risk?"

Image via AP. Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

On Thursday, 18-year-old Brandon Jones was shot and killed by a Cleveland Police Department officer. A police spokesperson said that no weapons were found at the scene, The Guardian reports. Protests are planned for Saturday night.

Police were responding to reports of a break-in at a convenience store when the fatal shooting happened in the early hours of Thursday morning, according to Cleveland ABC affiliate newsnet5.com.

Jones emerged from the store—which he had apparently broken into—with a bag containing, according to the store's owner, a pack of cigarettes and some money. Police say a struggle ensued, in which Jones tried to grab an officer's gun. He was then shot at least once. Afterwards, he was taken to a hospital, where he died.

Cleveland City Councilman Kevin Conwell, who represents the neighborhood where the break-in and shooting took place, told WKYC, "We heard the man was unarmed. That's what's making the neighborhood feel uneasy."

Conwell said that he spoke to a woman who witnessed the shooting. "She said 'they did not have to shoot that guy. They did not have to shoot that man. They probably could have tackled him or tasered him,'" Conwell said.

WKCY also reports that both officers involved in the shooting are African-American.

"If he's unarmed, and there's two of you all and one of him, why is my baby dead?" Jones' mother Tanya Brown asked.

Even though Friday was the official start to spring, severe weather season across the U.S. typically ramps up much earlier. This year, however, has been quiet. Extremely quiet. In fact, we're on track to see the quietest start to the year we've ever recorded. That's probably going to change pretty soon.http://thevane.gawker.com/conga-line-of-...

Severe thunderstorms usually begin to pick up in coverage and intensity across the southern and central United States in late February and early March, marking the beginning of a fairly boisterous severe weather season that lasts through the summer months. The most volatile time of the year is from late March through early June, when the atmospheric setup is most favorable for supercells, which are the leading cause of the country's infamous tornado outbreaks.

The Storm Prediction Center released a statement on our fortunate streak with almost no severe weather activity to speak of:

"We are in uncharted territory with respect to lack of severe weather", said Greg Carbin, SPC's warning coordination meteorologist. "This has never happened in the record of SPC watches dating back to 1970."

Since the beginning of 2015, the SPC has issued only four tornado watches and no severe thunderstorm watches, which is less than 10 percent of the typical number of 52 tornado watches issued by mid-March. The approximately 20 tornadoes reported since January 1 is well below the 10-year average of 130 for that time period.

There is no one clear reason to explain the lack of tornadoes, Carbin said. "We're in a persistent pattern that suppresses severe weather, and the right ingredients — moisture, instability, and lift — have not been brought together in any consistent way so far this year."

A severe thunderstorm or tornado watch is issued when conditions are favorable for the development of these dangerous phenomena. Warnings, on the other hand, are issued when large hail, damaging winds, or a tornado is imminent or occurring. We can look at the number of warnings and severe weather reports to further visualize this year's (lack of a) severe weather season.

The above map shows all of the severe thunderstorm and tornado warnings issued between January 1 and March 21; compared to previous years, there have only been a handful of warnings this year over the areas that usually see severe weather during January and February. This map should be lit up like a Christmas tree by now.

Warnings just show us where thunderstorms had the imminent potential to produce damaging winds, large hail, or tornadoes—while the National Weather Service is getting better at cutting down on the number of false alarms, not every warned storm produces severe weather. Reports sent to the NWS give us ground truth as to where severe weather has occurred so far this year.

Through March 21, we've only seen 35 tornado reports, 66 hail reports, and 209 reports of wind damage or gusts of 58 MPH or greater. Such a calm atmosphere is almost unprecedented seeing that we're a week and a half away from April.

Not that this is a bad thing, of course. Severe weather doesn't work like earthquakes; unlike the potential energy stored along a fault line as stress builds up, the lack of severe weather isn't causing the atmosphere to build up pressure that will lead to an explosive outbreak. We could go ten years without another tornado outbreak, and that fact alone wouldn't mean that the next outbreak would be "the big one," so to speak.

The only downside to this lull is that it breeds complacency; the longer we go without a major severe weather event is a longer time that people haven't had to seriously pay attention to forecasts, make plans for what to do in the event of an emergency, and take action because of an approaching storm. The one good thing about active severe weather is that it gets people in the habit of safety.

Our luck is on borrowed time, unfortunately. The pattern's going to change at some point, and it looks like the lull is nearing its end.

During the day tomorrow, there's a marginal risk for severe weather across the northern Gulf Coast, where thunderstorms coming off the Gulf of Mexico could have enough vertical vigor that damaging winds and large hail could be an issue in cities like New Orleans, Mobile, and Pensacola. A marginal risk is a one on a scale from zero to five.

The models are hinting at a slightly more interesting severe weather event on Tuesday.

Since the event is still four days away, the Storm Prediction Center doesn't issue categorical (slight/moderate/high) outlooks, but rather probabilities. The agency's forecast this morning drew a 15% probability for severe weather across parts of the central United States from northeastern Oklahoma up through parts of Iowa and Illinois.

A low pressure system is expected to develop over the northern Plains and Upper Midwest on Monday and Tuesday, which could bring enough unstable air into the region that any thunderstorms that form could tap into wind shear and turn severe. This forecast can and likely will change over the next couple of days as models get a better idea of what will happen and forecasters can narrow down the impacts, so anyone in the middle of the country needs to prepare for their first bout of severe weather since last year.

Always stay tuned to your local forecast if you live in an area that typically sees severe weather around this time of the year. Patterns can change on a dime, and an end to your streak of nice, calm weather could surprise you if you're not staying up-to-date. The Storm Prediction Center is responsible for issuing severe weather outlooks and severe thunderstorm/tornado watches, while local National Weather Service offices issue local forecasts and individual warnings.

[Satellite Image: MODIS Today from March 16, 2015 | Maps by the author]

You can follow the author on Twitter or send him an email.

According to reports, veteran WABC-TV reporter Lisa Colagrossi died Friday after suffering a brain hemorrhage on her way home from a live assignment.

Colagrossi was pronounced dead from the aneurysm at New York-Presbyterian Weill Cornell Medical Center. She was 49.

Reports Deadline:

Colagrossi was en route back to the station from covering a four-alarm fire in Woodhaven, Queens, that tore through several homes late Wednesday night, according to multiple reports. "She was in the news van after finishing her live shot when she said 'Oh my God, something is wrong,' " a friend said. Her producer flagged down an ambulance.

Colagrossi reported for WABC for the last 14 years. WABC-TV news director Camille Edwards tells the AP that "[Colagrossi's] bright smile and big blue eyes lit up our newsroom" and had "two wonderful qualities: grace and grit."

She leaves behind a husband and two sons.

"Lisa Colagrossi embodied the Eyewitness News spirit — a straightforward reporter who told the truth, empathetic to the everyday citizens of the New York area, and demanding of those in power," WABC President Dave Davis told Deadline. "All of us in the Channel 7 family are in shock over her sudden death. Our attention is now focused on helping her husband and two children though this difficult time."

Houthi rebels brought Yemen closer to civil war on Sunday, launching an offensive on the southern city of Taiz, The Wall Street Journal reports. Militants seized the international airport, key government buildings, and surrounded the residence of the city's governor.

A senior security official in Taiz told The New York Times that the Houthis were flying troops and military equipment into the airport. According to the Journal:

The Houthis' push in Taiz puts them within easy striking distance of the southern port city of Aden, where their enemy, Yemeni President Abed Rabbo Mansour Hadi, is based, raising the specter of an increasingly violent confrontation.

Protestors took to the streets upon the Houthis arrival. "Houthi militants in military uniforms fired at us directly," Sami Al Ghobari, an anti-Houthi demonstrator, told the Journal. "They seek bloodshed, since they want to enter Taiz by force, a province they are unwanted in."

The Times reports that forces loyal to Yemen's former president, Ali Abdullah Saleh, aided the Houthis in their assault on the country's third-largest city.

The State Department confirmed on Saturday that the United States has evacuated its remaining personnel from the country.

"It's hard to see how to pull back at this point," April Longley Alley, a Yemen researcher for the International Crisis Group, told the Times. "Yemen is really bracing for a nasty, protracted battle on multiple fronts."

A 17-year-old girl has identified herself as the spring breaker police were looking for after photographs surfaced online last week to the Bay County Sheriff's Office, The Panama City News Herald reports.

According to the News Herald, she became aware that police were seeking her out through the media, and spoke with police investigators on Friday night. She lives in the southern United States. Local law enforcement verified her claims that she was the girl in the photo.

The 17-year-old reportedly told investigators that she was visiting Panama City Beach for spring break.

Police officials said that the girl is safe. The News Herald reports that she told investigators that her interaction with the men around her was consensual, though she did not realize her photograph was being taken.

Richard White, the 61-year-old taxi driver who was shot by police after attacking TSA agents with a machete on Saturday, has died of his wounds at an area hospital, Reuters reports. Officials said he had a history of mental illness.

"No one at this point in time has any notion of what triggered this behaviour," Jefferson Parish Sheriff Newell Normand said at a news conference on Saturday before White died. "His family has been very cooperative. We have been able to determine that there is a mental illness component here."

From Reuters:

During the attack, White dropped a bag containing a lighter and six glass jars with cloth wicks in gasoline, commonly known as a Molotov cocktails, Normand said. Officials found tanks of acetylene, freon and oxygen in White's car at the airport, but do not know what their purpose was.

According to The Associated Press, Normand said that White was a Jehovah's Witness and had refused "certain types of medical care."

Anchorage police served search warrants at the Alaska Cannabis Club on Friday, KTVA Alaska reports. The Alaska Cannabis Club is owned by Charlene Egbe, also known as Charlo Greene, also known as the "Fuck it, I quit" reporter.

Anchorage Police Department spokeswoman Jennifer Castro told KTVA that police had received reports "of the illegal sale of marijuana and other derivatives" at the clubhouse.

According to KTVA, the warrant says "there is now being concealed property, namely: Marijuana, in cultivation or harvested, resins, oils, hashish or other THC derivatives, concentrates, edibles and equipment used in the extraction of THC" as well as "items relating to illegal transactions" and money "used in or intended for use in or derived from trafficking in controlled substances."

"This is basically a medical marijuana dispensary," Greene told KTVA. "We don't sell any recreational marijuana, we don't sell any medical marijuana. This is a place for card holders to come and share their own cannabis."

"I saw them uproot a couple of marijuana plants. They took some bongs and pipes and phones and computers and that's pretty much it."

Greene told The Associated Press in an email that she reopened the club on Saturday.

"By opening back up bright and early, less than 24 hours after the local police department's failed scare tactic, we, at the Alaska Cannabis Club, have made it clear that the will of the people is stronger than any force they have — and we aren't going anywhere," she wrote.

According to the AP, no charges have been filed in connection with the raid.

Starbucks announced that, beginning Sunday, it will no longer ask employees to write "Race Together" on customers' cups. But don't worry, spokesman Jim Olson insists that it's not a response to the entire world pointing out that this was an incredibly stupid idea to begin with.

Nope, phasing out the handwritten messages was planned all along.

Via the AP:

...the cups were always "just the catalyst" for a broader conversation, and the company will still hold forum discussions, co-produce special sections in USA TODAY and put more stores in minority communities as part of the Race Together initiative.

So don't worry, though they're phasing out writing on cups, Starbucks will still continue to be the official brand of complicated dialogues on race.

Image via Getty.

Afghanistan's top criminal investigator has found that the woman beaten to death last week for burning pages from a Quran was wrongly accused, The Associated Press reports. Thirteen people, including eight police officers, have been arrested in connection with her death.

"Last night I went through all documents and evidence once again, but I couldn't find any evidence to say Farkhunda burnt the holy Quran," General Mohammad Zahir said at the 27-year-old woman's funeral on Sunday. "Farkhunda was totally innocent."

The woman's brother Najibullah said that his sister had been a teacher of Islamic studies. (He is changing his second name to Farkhunda in her memory.) According to Reuters, he also denied reports that she had been suffering from a mental illness.

"My father was frightened and made the false statement to calm people down," Najibullah said.

At the funeral Sunday, Farkhunda's coffin was carried by women's rights campaigners, Reuters reports. The services were attended by hundreds of people, some chanting, "we want justice."

A Ministry of Interior spokesman, Sediq Sediqqi, told The Los Angeles Times that 13 police officials have been suspended in connection with the killing. Officials said that the mullah of the shrine where Farkhunda was killed has also been taken into custody.

Lee Kuan Yew, prime minister of Singapore from 1959—when the country attained full self-government from the British—until 1990, has died, The New York Times reports. According to a statement, he passed away "peacefully" at the Singapore General Hospital early Monday morning.

Singapore has been praised for its lack of corruption and gently criticized for its limits on free speech.

From a 2007 interview with The New York Times:

Singapore's secret, Mr. Lee said, is that it is "ideology free." It possesses an unsentimental pragmatism that infuses the workings of the country as if it were in itself an ideology, he said. When considering an approach to an issue, he says, the question is: "Does it work? Let's try it, and if it does work, fine, let's continue it. If it doesn't work, toss it out, try another one."

The yardstick, he said, is: "Is this necessary for survival and progress? If it is, let's do it."

Last year, the "ideology free" Singapore was found to be the world's most expensive city to live in.

Further spurring rumors I whispered to myself on the subway last week that Rob Kardashian actually spent the last year chained to an elliptical machine in a basement somewhere in Calabasas, the forgotten son finally resurfaced Sunday with what appears to be a sincere plea for help.

After deleting all his photos, the former sock kingpin rejoined Instagram this weekend with a bone-chilling message for Kanye: watch out for the bitch!!!!!!!

Caption: "This is my sister kim, the bitch from Gone Girl,,,"

Despite the strange implication that Kim is a psychotic, narcissistic potential murderess, the photo was posted from an account identified as Rob's with more than 2.7 million followers. The family does not appear to have addressed the post or its allegations.

Still... might not be a bad idea to have someone do a wellness check on Kris Humphries.

[image via AP]

In a misguided ode to a girlfriend, Kirk Soccorso tattooed his beloved's name on the inside of his lower lip. Her name is Isis. They have since broken up. When he showed the tattoo to his co-workers at a Long Island Home Depot discussing the extremist militant group beheading people in Syria, he was reportedly fired.

Soccorso told News 12 Long Island that the tattoo was Isis's bad idea."She had this idea...let's get each other's names tattooed," he told the news station. "My name Kirk is four letters and hers is Isis." He worked at the Home Depot in Patchogue for about six months as a tool demonstrator, and apparently hadn't heard about the Islamic State "until just recently."

For their part, Home Depot claims their decision to can Soccorso "wasn't just based on the tattoo."

[H/T Daily Mail // Image via News 12 Long Island]

Contact the author at aleksander@gawker.com .

In general, Twitter is superb. I use it for work, and I love it. As with anything, of course, there are minor aspects that'll make you want to spike your phone/computer into the pavement. But there are incredibly simple actions you can take to minimize the amount of Bad Twitter you have to endure.

Stop following people you don't like. Unfollow them. Do it, you idiot. Hate-reading is a perfectly fine practice, but there's a line. A friend, who I will call Lyle, has a Twitter list of users he hates. Lyle has an unhealthy problem, and he's beyond saving.

But what if the person you don't like has something important to say? Find a person (or several people) in the same field who has a habit of occasionally retweeting them. For example, take Keith Law. Keith is an incredibly intelligent person, but he can occasionally be a pugnacious penis. (We all have our days.) By not following him, but following other people who cover baseball, I usually catch anything insightful Keith says, without having to endure the times when he publicly makes fun of dumb trolls who are definitely not worth his time. I get my useful information, and nothing more.

Here's the thing about Twitter: You can follow or unfollow someone as many times as you want. There's no limit or process for following a public Twitter account. You're not locked in forever. If the person gets better, you can follow them again.

Don't be worried about their feelings. It's Twitter. It doesn't matter. Now, if you cut ties with them on Facebook or lose their number, you clearly never want to talk to that fucking person again, but Twitter shouldn't matter.

Don't care about who follows you. Oh, you both follow each other, so you don't want to have him or her unfollow you? Grow up. You make me sick.

Use the mute button. Are you really too much of a baby to unfollow people you simply don't enjoy? Mute them. Man, the mute option is so good. Twitter gave you the power to be Tony Reali and shut up your equivalent of Bill Plaschke—use it. They will never know. It's perfect.

Don't check Twitter so much. Familiarity breeds contempt. The more you read a person's tweets, the more you pick up on the opinions you hate, especially if that person has a habit of oversharing. Stop feeling required to read the whole of everyone's timelines; that way, it'll take you longer to get annoyed with anyone in particular.

Stop arguing with people. There are maybe 10 people on Twitter who are funny enough to get in an argument without looking like a child. You're probably not one of them. You're going to show your ass. If something really makes you mad, mute the person, or close Twitter and go do something else. If you still need to be on a computer, relax and watch this video:

Do you feel better? I do.

Try and take at least one day a week where you don't tweet. This day is usually Saturday for me. Saturdays rarely have anything interesting going on. Maybe you're more invested in college football than me, which is fine: Find another day of the week, and do your best to just totally ignore Twitter (or the internet, if you can get that far) for 24 hours.

Tweet less. If you don't think you could go a whole day without Twitter, try setting a general pitch count. That entry box is tempting, but remember: No one needs your opinion. They'll totally be fine without it. Twitter doesn't stop working if people don't pump their takes into it. You don't need to weigh in for every thing that happens in the world. It's okay. Take a rest.

You can still enjoy a healthy spectrum of opinions this way. I follow plenty of people on Twitter despite rarely agreeing with them. It's healthy to see other perspectives. The trick: These people are not insufferable to me. There are people on Twitter who can calmly share their opinions. I know, it sounds ridiculous. But they're real, so find them.

This advice might seem obvious, but hey, you're the one who wanted help. I follow these tenets, and I'm happy, so try it out. Or don't. What do I care? You're the one who read this. Fuck you.

Adequate Man is Deadspin's new self-improvement blog, dedicated to making you just good enough at everything. Suggestions for future topics are welcome below.

Image by Jim Cooke.

This morning, Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president of the United States. This is the logical next step in Cruz's determined lifelong pursuit of status.

But has Ted Cruz already abandoned his most deeply held principles? A 2013 GQ profile captured the uncompromising purity of a younger Cruz's snobbery:

The elite academic circles that Cruz was now traveling in began to rub off. As a law student at Harvard, he refused to study with anyone who hadn't been an undergrad at Harvard, Princeton, or Yale. Says Damon Watson, one of Cruz's law-school roommates: "He said he didn't want anybody from 'minor Ivies' like Penn or Brown."

Yet Cruz—B.A. Princeton, J.D. Harvard Law—chose to make his campaign announcement today at Liberty University, ranked No. 80 by U.S. News among "Regional Universities (South)." Founded by a professional ignoramus to shelter right-wing youth from the dangers of post-Enlightenment learning, Liberty admits 21.2 percent of applicants. That's a little more than half as selective as Penn, and less than half as selective as Brown. It's not even three-quarters as selective as Cornell. (Cornell!)

Why is Ted Cruz hanging out with dimwitted mediocrities?

[Photo via Getty]

Are Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper having sex? Yes, almost certainly. Why wouldn't they. However, Jennifer Lawrence would like to assure you (unprompted) there is "no sex" in their professional work spouse relationship—mmhm.

Bradley Cooper spoke to Us Weekly at a screening of the pair's straight-to-VOD film Serena about his non-sexual feelings for his sexy, young, talented, and single platonic friend and coworker:

"I respect her so much as a professional, as an actor, and I think she's the best there is. I just learn from her. You always want to work with people who are better than you."

Additionally, Jennifer Lawrence spoke to the magazine about her non-sexual "work spouse" relationship with her sexy, older, talented, and single platonic friend and coworker:

"And I feel the same way about him," Lawrence added. And though they both cop to being each other's work spouses, the Dior spokesmodel assured Us that there is "no sex!" in their relationship.

Mmhm—why not double-down on assuring there is no sex in your "work spouse" relationship, a relationship category already defined by its lack of sex? "We're neighbors—just without the sex." "He owns my favorite little cafe—without the sex." "We take the same train to work sometimes—but without sex." Mmhm.

Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper: You guys should have sex.

[image via Getty]

Or an upside-down American flag teardrop. Either way, God bless the U.S.A. and her patriotic defenders!

[Burning flag photo via]

A tiny, precious Yorkshire terrier puppy, through no fault of her own, finds herself dependent on late-stage puberty sufferer Justin Bieber and/or members of his family and entourage for her care and continued survival. Good luck and godspeed, Esther the puppy. Other pets in this position haven't fared all that well.

There was Mally, the capuchin monkey Bieber abandoned at the Munich airport and never saw again—although he reunited with a Mally stand-in on MTV as part of an effort to clean up his image. Good news, though, little Esther: Mally's now doing okay at a German wildlife park. He only lived with Justin for about a week.

But also, there was Karma, the American bulldog. Bieber left this pet with his dad, Jeremy, the Ghost of Christmas Future whose life presents a dire, if unheeded, warning about who Justin could one day become.

Karma bit Justin's little brother, Jaxon—humans sure have some undignified names, don't they, Esther?—and Jeremy threw Karma off a second-story balcony into the snow. That's what Karma's trainer, Trevor, says anyway. He's now taking care of the dog because the Biebers apparently couldn't handle the responsibility.

You should probably watch out for Justin's dad. He seems mean.

For a couple of months in 2013, Bieber also had a hamster named Pac. He got Pac in October, and gave him away to a fan at a show in December. Pac died shortly afterward—and the California Hamster Association thinks it was probably because of "sudden environmental change."

"The moment that hamster was handed off to a screaming girl in a harsh, frenzied environment was likely the moment it gazed at the short path to its doom," they said.

Not trying to freak you out or whatever, Esther, but Bieber's crazy life of egging houses, racing fast cars, and hotboxing planes does not seem like it has much room in it to care for a pet. Although he's trying very hard to present himself as a responsible adult these days, it seems likely you'll eventually end up living with someone else.

And, if you're lucky, it'll be Justin's grandparents. They took care of his first shelter dog, Sammy the papillon, when he first started touring back in 2010. Sammy passed away last year, and it seems like he had a happy life.

Good luck, Esther. You'll probably be okay, I guess?

[h/t Gossip Cop, Photo: Justin Bieber/Instagram]

What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? Would she be on a reality show? Would she wear peplums? Would she have solved global hunger? Admittedly I think about this more often than I should, because so much potential, so much intrigue, so much gossip was lost when Lady Di, the Queen of Peoples' Hearts and One-Piece Bathing Suits and Foofy Blond Short Haircuts and Being a Humanitarian but Not in a Weird, Scary Self-Righteous Way Like Angelina Jolie, died. Or rather: was murdered.

Let's first nail down our facts. Diana, Princess of Wales, died at age 36 in a car crash in the Pont de l'Alma tunnel in Paris on the night of August 31, 1997. The driver of the car, a Frenchman named Henri Paul, was drunk and driving erratically to outfox paparazzi who were in pursuit of the vehicle. Paul was also killed in the crash, as was Diana's boyfriend, Dodi Fayed. Her bodyguard, Trevor Rees-Jones, was injured.

Seems fairly open and shut. High speeds, intoxicated driver, a dark tunnel, a car crash. Paris in the '90s. But wait. Why would Diana and her incredibly wealthy boyfriend get into a Mercedes with an extraordinarily drunken driver? Paul's alcohol blood level was three times the French legal limit. The paparazzi chasing them down at high speeds—what is this, a Bond film? Why weren't Diana and Dodi wearing seat belts? Were the seat belts compromised? What about those two cars that fled the scene, never to be heard from again? And why was Diana's body embalmed so quickly? Was it to hide the fact that she was... pregnant with Dodi Fayed's baby??? All signs pointed to something sinister.

And by "something sinister," I mean the Royal Family, because if anyone was out to get Diana, it was them. She had been a thorn in their side for years—"skimpily educated," as one journalist put it politely, media-hungry (usually in a way that made her look good and them bad), and at the center of an embarrassing divorce, after 15 years of marriage, from Prince Charles, who married Diana despite his everlasting love for his ex-girlfriend, Camilla Parker-Bowles. But regardless of the Royals' pursed lips when it came to Diana, she was forever theirs as the mother of William Windsor, who would one day be king, and little Harry, who was probably not biologically the son of Charles but that's another post for another time.

There are two competing theories as to why the Royals would have wanted Diana dead. The first has to do with Dodi Fayed, the very rich man that Diana had just started dating before they were united in eternal hellfire. The son of Egyptian billionaire Mohammed Al-Fayed, who owned the English department store Harrods, Dodi worked as a film producer (Hook) but seemed mostly to party and spend his father's money. So it's weird that the Royals allegedly had a problem with him, because that's basically their modus operandi, but they did. Can you guess why?

If you answered "because he was a Muslim" you are right! Rumors abounded that the romance between Diana and Dodi was heating up at a very fast clip—and that Diana was pregnant with Dodi's baby and the couple was planning to get engaged. Conspiracy theorists suggest that the Royal Family would simply crumble like a teacake at the inclusion of an Egyptian Muslim (or rather, a non-Christian) into their fold, and would rather murder the expectant couple and their unborn child in cold blood (but make it look like an accident, you know, for appearances).

The other theory involves Prince Charles, our George W. Bush of the East. Charles did not come out looking good from the Diana divorce, not only because he is an exceptionally ugly man, but because of a very dirty and weird phone conversations between him and Camilla Parker Bowles that were leaked to the British press (for the uneducated, Charles told Camilla that he wanted to be her tampon).

Anyway, everyone knew all along that Charles had been in love with Camilla and would probably marry her when Diana was out of the picture. But that was the problem: Even though they had divorced, Diana wasn't getting out of the picture. Their divorce had made her more popular than ever. She was still the Queen of Peoples' Hearts. She was giving extraordinary interviews to television journalists. She was bringing the world closer to peace by eradicating land mines in Africa. And her divorce made her all the more relatable. Now she was a single mother! To the perpetual annoyance of the Royals, she was the most popular person in their family, and she was barely in their family. Charles wanted to move on, to install a new princess in his life (or a duchess, as Camilla eventually became, when they married 2005). But no matter what, Camilla would be despised in Diana's shadow.

So, according to conspiracy theorists, the choice was clear. Disposing of Diana would be a complicated task for the Royals, made a bit easier by the state services at their beck and call, including the MI6, or the CIA of Britain. She was, after all, a threat to the sanctity of the Royal family, so why not use the secret state intelligence service to rid the country of her? It was an almost patriotic undertaking. As the theory goes, besides the engagement of willful drunk Henri Paul and a gaggle of unruly paparazzi, there were several "mystery cars" involved in the crash, some of which were never found.

Evidence suggests these cars were Diana's true undoing: one of them, a white Fiat Uno, made contact with Paul's Mercedes before it crashed in the tunnel that fateful night, evidently pushing it toward its demise. Were these cars tools of the MI6? French police zeroed in on the driver of the Fiat Uno in 1998; he committed suicide in 2000. His body was found in a burnt-out BMW in the French countryside, a gunshot wound to his head.

The search for answers in Diana's death is not a fruitful one. You can accept the answer that it was simply an accident. Or you can think like a Royal: Diana was the most beloved woman in the world at the time of her death. She would only become more powerful with Dodi Fayed's money and child, both of which would stain the fabric of the Windsor tapestry. How could anyone move on with their lives? The health of the Royal Family, the country's ballast, stretching back hundreds of years through numerous global catastrophes, had to be considered. What was the most sensible option?

Perhaps it was a drunk driver, the paparazzi, and a dark tunnel in Paris on a late summer's night.

This is Illuminati Month on Black Bag, in which Gawker locks itself in the woodshed and breaks out the red yarn to explore its favorite conspiracy theories. Photo via AP. Contact the author at leah@gawker.com.