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Jackass President Damn Near Busts His Ass

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Jackass President Damn Near Busts His Ass

Commander-in-"Whoops!" Barack Obama nearly tumbled down a whole god damn set of airplane stairs today after seemingly failing to master a skill that even toddlers have grasped—putting one foot in front of the other.

The humiliating pratfall befell our nation's "Dear Leader (of Injuries)" as he was disembarking from his plush, taxpayer-funded private jet—a task he has done hundreds and hundreds of times before. The "job," if you can call it that, is simple: set one foot on a stair, then the next foot on the next stair, and before you know it you're at the bottom of the staircase. For millennia, billions upon billions of humans have successfully navigated much steeper staircases without ill effect. Yet video evidence show that the man chosen to lead the world's most powerful nation seems incapable of walking down a perfectly level flight of stairs without temporarily losing his balance—an attribute that the human brain generally handles without any conscious effort.

As cameras roll, the President bounds out of the plane happily, a smile creasing his superficially attractive face. When he reaches the second stair, however, things change. No longer is Barack Obama the suave and "in-control" fellow to whom so many Americans woefully pledged their allegiance. Instead, in the space of an instant, he becomes something more akin to a gutter drunk, or a man having a stroke, or a chicken with a broken leg. As his foot wobbles and his perch atop the stairs grows doubtful, Obama splays out his arms, grabbing onto both railings in a pose more fitting for an elderly dementia patient than for the symbol of masculine free world leadership. He is saved from bodily disaster only by luck. One can only imagine the intelligence services of foreign powers including Iran, North Korea, and Syria cackling as they review the video of the near-flop over and over again, secure in the knowledge that the United States of American is hardly commanded by a real "macho" type. It seems we are led, rather, by a uniquely American version of Mister Bean. One assumes that upon reaching the bottom of the stairs, Barack Obama squirted seltzer from a flower affixed to his lapel and handed someone an exploding cigar—activities befitting someone exhibiting his gross physical tendencies.

Little wonder our "hardworking" president was returning from a golf outing. I hope that the strain of being wheeled around a lush course in motorized cart was not too strenuous for you, Mr. President. We, your loyal subjects, are all quite happy that you did not suffer a more terrifying calamity. Thank god, Mr. President, that you did not start "busting a rhyme" in celebration while pouring coffee directly onto the American flag. We pray that one day the president of the United States of America learns how to walk.

Disgusting.

[Image via AP]


Contact the author at Hamilton@Gawker.com.


Have You Ever Cried on Big Bosoms?

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Well, have you?

This weekend, OWN ran an "exclusive" interview with Chris Brown's ex Karrueche Tran, conducted by life coach/Oprah's former nemesis/owner of big bosoms Iyanla Vanzant. This was the best moment—one I would like to watch on a loop for the rest of my life. Thanks to technology, I pretty much can :) .

LBJ Was Obsessed With His Dick

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LBJ Was Obsessed With His Dick

One imagines that the mind of the president is constantly occupied by the fate of the free world. This probably explains, for instance, why George W. Bush could barely read. Lyndon B. Johnson, though, was not your average president, for various reasons, but quite prominently that he was very concerned about the state of his penis.

Vanity Fair today points out an excerpt from a forthcoming history of the White House called The Residence: Inside the Private World of the White House by Kate Anderson Brower. The section of the book about Johnson includes an anecdote about the presidential shower. According to Brower, it was very important that a newly installed jet stream be blasting water directly at Johnson's dick.

When told that it would be inconvenient to have a jet installed into the shower simply so that water could constantly shoot directly onto his cock, Johnson reportedly invoked the Vietnam War:

The 36th president of the United States reportedly refused to accept staff arguments that outfitting the shower with the demanded features—including one nozzle aimed "directly at the president's penis"—would require a great deal of plumbing work. "If I can move 10,000 troops in a day, you can certainly fix the bathroom any way I want it," Johnson told the staff, according to the book.

On the one hand, Johnson wasn't technically moving 10,000 troops per day, physically speaking. He was basically just making a bunch of phone calls and playing with toy soldiers on a huge desk or whatever goes on during war. On the other hand, it would be unbecoming of the president to not have a clean dick. Sometimes you must put your country first.

Of course, this is far from the first we've heard about LBJ's dick. Years ago, audio surfaced of Johnson demanding that a tailor alter his pants so that they could accommodate his balls, which droop down near, in Johnson's words, his "bunghole."

Johnson was also notorious for involving his dick in the daily lives of his colleagues, whether they liked it or not (and they might have, who's to say):

From an excerpt of Robert Caro's biography, via the New York Review of Books:

He early became fabled for a Rabelaisian earthiness, urinating in the parking lot of the House Office Building as the urge took him; if a colleague came into a Capitol bathroom as he was finishing at the urinal there, he would sometimes swing around still holding his member, which he liked to call "Jumbo," hooting once, "Have you ever seen anything as big as this?," and shaking it in almost a brandishing manner as he began discoursing about some pending legislation.

[...]

Even on the floors of the House and Senate, he would extravagantly rummage away at his groin, sometimes reaching his hand through a pocket and leaning with half-lifted leg for more thorough access.

R.I.P. to a great man and an even better dick.

[image via Getty]

Ben Bernanke, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve, is launching his own blog.

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Ben Bernanke, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve, is launching his own blog. Allow us to be the first to say: "Go fuck your mom and die, bitch boy." Welcome to blogging.


Contact the author at Hamilton@Gawker.com.

Please Stop Telling Kit Harington He's a Hunk—He Hates It!

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Please Stop Telling Kit Harington He's a Hunk—He Hates It!

Does anyone have it harder than Kit Harington? You may think yes, but—god love you—that's just because you're stupid. God, you're so stupid you make me sick.

The 28-year-old Game of Thrones actor spoke to Page Six about what it's like to be a sexy man in Hollywood and, you know, as it turns out, it's very hard to be a sexy man in Hollywood. As hard as it is to be a woman in Hollywood, you're wondering?

Incredible—once again you prove your stupidity. Yes, as hard as it is to be a woman:

"To always be put on a pedestal as a hunk is slightly demeaning. It really is and it's in the same way as it is for women. When an actor is seen only for her physical beauty, it can be quite offensive."

Brave and heartrending words from the young English actor. We know nothing, Jon Snow. Please continue:

"Well, it's not just men that can be inappropriate sexually; women can be as well. I'm in a successful TV show in a kind of leading man way and it can sometimes feel like your art is being put to one side for your sex appeal. And I don't like that."

Kit Harington does good art on his successful TV show in a kind of leading man way. Can you not put his sex appeal to one side while you take in the art? Disgusting.

Kit, if you can—continue:

"In this position you get asked a lot, 'Do you like being a heartthrob? Do you like being a hunk?' Well, my answer is, 'That's not what I got into it for."

Of course not.

Please, when you tune into this upcoming season of Game of Thrones, do not let your enjoyment of Kit Harington's hunkiness distract from the show's artistic merit. That is what all of the boobs are for.

[image via Getty]

Naked German Violinist Arrested for Allegedly Choking Woman at NYC Hotel

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Naked German Violinist Arrested for Allegedly Choking Woman at NYC Hotel

A German violinist on tour in the U.S. was arrested after he reportedly got naked at a Manhattan hotel and tried to strangle another guest, a 64-year-old woman, in her room.

Witnesses spotted Stefan Arzberger, the 42-year-old lead violinist for the Leipzig String Quartet, walking around the Hudson Hotel buck naked Friday morning, police told the New York Post.

According to the criminal complaint against Arzberger, he knocked on the victim's door around 8 a.m., barged in, and choked her "so hard that the blood vessels in her eyes were ruptured," the Post reports.

Arzberger, who has no criminal record, was charged with strangulation and burglary. He's since been released on bond.

The Leipzig String quartet has since released a statement claiming the situation was more complicated than it initially appeared:

We have to announce that Stefan became on Sat. 26th victim of a serious crime in New York City. Things are in clearance now. At this time the lawyers do not allow to divulge more information. We feel great solidarity and hope for a sudden end of that nightmare! Stefan, we are with you!

A source told the Post someone may have drugged the violinist's drink, and claimed he has no memory of what he did that morning.

[h/t Gothamist]

Deadspin Shayanna Jenkins: I Have No Idea What Was In The Mystery Box I Threw Out | io9 What Would B

Famed Casting Director Allison Jones Once Sent Me a Very Funny Email

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Famed Casting Director Allison Jones Once Sent Me a Very Funny Email

Today, the New Yorker has an excellent profile of Hollywood casting director Allison Jones, the woman who discovered Jonah Hill and "McLovin," among others. In the article, it becomes clear that Jones, while an extremely funny person, doesn't write as often as her talent should dictate, or as her collaborators might like:

I asked if she had written a script for "Seinfeld." Jones tried to change the subject, then claimed that she could remember only the subplot, which turned on the idea that in 1985 Kramer had been aboard the Achille Lauro when Palestinian terrorists seized the cruise ship. It was Kramer, not the terrorists, who (accidentally) pushed Leon Klinghoffer overboard.

Jeff Garlin, a principal actor on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and a longtime friend of Jones's, later told me that he'd read the script. "It was hilarious," he said, and added that she was instrumental in helping him write his 2006 comedy, "I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With." "I always try to get her to write more. She is so talented."

As it turns out, I have a rare sample of Allison Jones' excellent comedy writing.

In 2007, Jones did the casting for a more or less forgotten comedy called Semi-Pro, which starred Will Ferrell, Woody Harrelson and Andre 3000 as '70s basketball players. Last year, a tipster emailed us screenshots of a recording of Kanye West auditioning for the role that eventually went to Andre 3000, and in trying to find out a bit more about the audition, I emailed Jones.

Jones was very helpful—she was the only one involved with the film who would talk to me about Kanye—but given her first email to me it might have been even better had she stopped right there.

Here is our exchange:

Famed Casting Director Allison Jones Once Sent Me a Very Funny Email

That's it. That was the whole email. "SEMI PRO!"

Still cracks me up.


500 Days of Kristin, Day 64: Let's Go Back, Back to the Beginning

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500 Days of Kristin, Day 64: Let's Go Back, Back to the Beginning

Before Kristin Cavallari embarked on the ambitious journey of drafting her debut memoir Balancing on Heels—coming to an Amazon.com near you in 436 days—she was busy popularizing catchphrases like "butt-hurt" and "Stee-pheeennnnn" on MTV's Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County.

That's right: Kristin's first job was not selling shoes or jewelry, but selling the dream of a no-curfew high school experience by the beach to America's less fortunate teens. You remember that Kristin, of course: bored smile, black choker.

500 Days of Kristin, Day 64: Let's Go Back, Back to the Beginning

There she is. Trying to fit a square into a circle was her life!

Iiiiii defyyyyyyy you to find a better quality version of the opening credits online, because I could not.


This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photo via Getty]

The World's Most Famous Musicians Just Hosted a Bonkers Press Conference

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Only a few minutes ago, the entire music industry stood on a stage in a collective display of how rich and out of touch they are. They think you are willing to pay up to double the price of other streaming music services to pay for their streaming music service, because they are crazy.

The World's Most Famous Musicians Just Hosted a Bonkers Press Conference

Imagine this: canceling your Spotify subscription, and paying $20 for a Tidal subscription instead. It's more expensive because it's "higher quality" and "artist-owned," which is important because Usher, Daft Punk, and Madonna have been living in wretched penury for far too long, and it's time for people to give back. The modern-day Our Gang (which counted among its members not only the aforementioned supernovas, but also Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Kanye West, Chris Martin, and Jack White) held a "keynote" to promote Tidal, the already extant European streaming company Jay Z recently purchased for $56 million because he's bored.

The World's Most Famous Musicians Just Hosted a Bonkers Press Conference

Jay Z and Beyonce (also present, beaming) dug up an old email thread (SUBJ: SURPRISE BRUNCH PARTY SATURDAY!), hit reply-all, and look at how many of their family friends turned out to stand on stage, visibly uncomfortable, and listen to Alicia Keys give an incoherent speech. At the conclusion of Keys' statement, which merged the rarely combined traits of being about an app and quoting Nietzsche, the artists all signed some sort of "declaration" one by one. I don't know what the document said—it was probably just a blank piece of paper, or perhaps an original copy of the Declaration of Independence that Deadmau5 received as a White Elephant gift.

The World's Most Famous Musicians Just Hosted a Bonkers Press Conference

When it came time for Madonna to sign, she put her whole leg up on the table, as if to say to the world World, I'm MADONNA and yes I am not too old to move my leg this way. No one is going to use Tidal. These dummies!

The World's Most Famous Musicians Just Hosted a Bonkers Press Conference

In case you had any lingering sympathy for the struggling mega-famous recording artist, here's a video they made to make you hate them:

"We're going to change the course of history," Jay Z says on camera. Then he and his friends raise a champagne toast to the glorious future.


Contact the author at biddle@gawker.com.
Public PGP key
PGP fingerprint: E93A 40D1 FA38 4B2B 1477 C855 3DEA F030 F340 E2C7

Cops: Woman Stabbed Boyfriend Because He Ate All of Their Salsa

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Cops: Woman Stabbed Boyfriend Because He Ate All of Their Salsa

The snack-provoked crime wave continues in America: One week after a father allegedly shot his son in the butt over an empty orange juice container, a woman in Akron, Ohio, allegedly stabbed her boyfriend in the stomach because he ate all of their salsa.

The Northeast Ohio Media Group reports that, Sunday evening, Phyllis Jefferson, 50, let her boyfriend know that he was eating too much of their salsa. He apparently continued to eat the salsa, because Jefferson ended up, allegedly, stabbing him with a pen in his hip for not sharing.

Things only got worse for the 61-year-old boyfriend. Evidently still angry, Jefferson knocked over the couple's TV. When her boyfriend stood up to catch it, she allegedly grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed him in his stomach.

The boyfriend was found by police outside their apartment clutching his stomach, his hands and shirt covered in blood, and was treated at a local hospital. Jefferson fled the couple's home but was arrested on a nearby interstate. She was charged with felonious assault and one misdemeanor count of criminal damaging.


H/T Daily Intel. Image via Shutterstock.com. Contact the author at taylor@gawker.com.

Woman Arrested for Killing a Toddler in a Fast Food Restaurant Bathroom

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Woman Arrested for Killing a Toddler in a Fast Food Restaurant Bathroom

NYPD officers responding to a fast food restaurant in midtown Manhattan today reportedly discovered a gruesome crime scene: a woman smothering a toddler to death.

Cops tell the New York Daily News that the woman, identified as Latisha Fisher, brought a two-year-old, Gabriel Ortiz, into a bathroom at Five Boro Burger in midtown around 3 p.m. Monday. It's not clear how they were related.

When a woman walked into the bathroom and saw the mother holding her hand over the baby's mouth, Fisher said "I put my hand over his mouth to put him to sleep," according to cops.

At some point the woman locked herself in the bathroom, according to police sources.

According to reports, customers and restaurant employees tried to intervene but had trouble bypassing the locked door.

When workers forced open the door, the child was unconscious and foaming at the mouth, according to the sources.

Ortiz was reportedly pronounced dead at Bellevue hospital.

[image via CBS]


Contact the author of this post at gabrielle@gawker.com

A Good Music Dog

Playboy Mansion Allegedly Built Secret Tunnels for Celebrity Neighbors

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Playboy Mansion Allegedly Built Secret Tunnels for Celebrity Neighbors

A new report from Playboy Magazine claims old blueprints link the Playboy Mansion to several neighboring celebrity homes via a series of secret tunnels.

Magazine staffers claim they discovered excavation photos taken in the 1970's and eventually found tunnel blueprints stored in the Mansion basement purporting to lead the (now-former) homes of actors like "Mr. J. Nicholson," "Mr. W. Beatty," "Mr. K. Douglas" and "Mr. J. Caan."

We asked if we could see the tunnels. A staff member said, off the record, "I heard they were closed up sometime in 1989." Hugh Hefner married Playmate Kimberley Conrad in 1989. We went back to the general manager, and he said he couldn't discuss it further.

We then asked The Mansion staff for more info about the celebrity tunnels, and we were told Mr. Hefner did not wish to comment. We reached out to reps for Nicholson, Caan, Douglas and Beatty, and they have not agreed to comment.

[image via AP]


Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com

Abandon Hope: Coyotes Now Squatting In New York City's Vacant Buildings

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Abandon Hope: Coyotes Now Squatting In New York City's Vacant Buildings

New York is a concrete city populated by humans—for now. But is that a tire screech you hear, or a pack of coyotes howling at the moon, living in your old apartment, lying in wait? New, disturbing evidence out of Queens suggests we're running on borrowed time.

It's a real broken windows situation, according to the Daily News, which reports the coyotes have escalated from pickup basketball games and loitering on street corners to squatting in vacant apartment buildings and plotting to break into bars. The latest coyote is also "still at large" after successfully eluding police in Queens this weekend, so kind of a badass.

But maybe it's not as bad as it looks. Maybe he was a scrawny little thing that lost his way in the woods and just wants to find his way home.

Nope!

"I'll tell you one thing, he was well-fed," Porter told the Daily News. "He wasn't one of the scrawny coyotes I've seen in my time."

He suspects the coyote was living in a vacant building next door and hopped through an open window onto the roof.

"He escaped two police officers, and he jumped on the roof adjacent to me and then jumped through the window" of the vacant building, Porter said, adding "he's still at large."

A chilling message. He's still at large. How do you lose a coyote in an urban city? If we can't track a wild animal through a concrete grid, what hope have we? None, I fear. The end is nigh.

[image via AP]


Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com


Woman—I Mean "Kidnappers"—Pissed Cops Accused Her of Gone Girl Scheme

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Woman—I Mean "Kidnappers"—Pissed Cops Accused Her of Gone Girl Scheme

Vallejo, Ca., police had ruled the kidnapping and ransoming of 29-year-old Denise Huskins last week an "orchestrated event" by the woman and her boyfriend in a supposed Gone Girl-style fakeout. But now people claiming to be her captors have emailed detailed messages to California news outlets demanding credit for the supposed crime and that Huskins' good name be cleared.

Denise Huskins was allegedly taken against her will from her boyfriend Aaron Quinn's home in Vallejo on March 23 between midnight and 5 a.m. and was supposedly being held for $8,500 ransom. According to his attorneys, Quinn had been drugged and tied up by the kidnappers, and only was able to report Huskins missing seven hours later, after presumably breaking free. Quinn, 30, also claims he was given a drug test by police and interrogated for 17 hours. Huskins turned up—apparently freed by her kidnappers—two days later in Huntington Beach.

But after Quinn skipped a flight to speak with investigators about the supposed abduction, police ruled the entire incident a hoax.

Then another twist came in the already bizarre story: Emails, claiming to be authored by Huskins' kidnappers, containing "numerous details about the alleged kidnapping and referred to auto thefts and home burglaries," were sent to the San Francisco Chronicle and Los Angeles Times.

In an email sent to the Chronicle on Monday, the supposed kidnappers threatened Lt. Kenny Park, a spokesman for the Vallejo police department, offering a noon local time deadline for a public apology: "I/we may be the direct agent of harm. But it will be made crystal clear that the Vallejo Police Department, and you, Mr. Park, had every opportunity to stop it."

That message followed a much longer email from the alleged kidnappers sent to the paper this past Saturday, in which they claimed to be an Oceans Eleven-type group:

Then on Saturday, The Chronicle received a 9,000-word e-mail with numerous details of the supposed kidnapping, along with assertions that the abductors ran an elaborate car-theft operation on Mare Island for months and had burglarized several homes, taking car keys and personal information stored on home computers.

The e-mails have been sent from what appear to be dummy accounts, with names like huskinskidnapping@hotmail.com.

In one e-mail, the sender identified the group as "sort of Ocean's Eleven, gentlemen criminals." The writer said they had turned to kidnapping for ransom because they "did not want to stay thieves or criminals forever. What we really wanted was to complete one or two big jobs and then to do whatever we felt like for the rest of our lives."

The sender said his gang was made up of three core members, two with college educations.

They also described the elaborate means by which they allegedly kidnapped Huskins from her boyfriend's home:

The night of the alleged abduction, the writer said, the team drilled holes in a window pane to release a lock to enter Quinn's home. The sender said the team used plastic squirt guns with "strobe flashlights and laser pointers" duct-taped on them to mimic firearms.

During the alleged crime, Huskins and Quinn were given headphones playing "calming music and some spoken instructions" while the crew went to work with plans to monitor Quinn electronically so he would not go to authorities, the sender wrote. Then they put Huskins into the trunk of Quinn's car and drove off, the e-mail said.

But the alleged abduction was a mistake, apparently: The "kidnappers" claim to have snatched the wrong woman from Quinn's home, and released Huskins "because we were horrified at what we had done."

The Los Angeles Times reports receiving an email from the self-proclaimed kidnappers as well, in which they write, "The Mare Island kidnapping was a training mission to test means and methods that would be used on higher net worth targets."

Huskins' attorney, Douglas Rappaport, told the Chronicle that the emails "contain details that only Denise, Aaron, and kidnappers would know." One of Quinn's lawyers, Amy Morton, also told the paper that her client can also confirm details noted in the emails, including that the couple was given headphones by the alleged captors and holes drilled into a window frame of his home.

Vallejo police have declined to comment on the emails to both the Chronicle and the Times.

[Image via Vallejo Police Dept.]


Contact the author at aleksander@gawker.com .

Seth Meyers Rips Indiana Governor's Spineless Defense of Anti-Gay Bill

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Seth Meyers, typically the least edgy host in late night, went full Daily Show on Indiana governor Mike Pence last night, tearing apart a gutless interview Pence gave about the state's Religious Freedom Restoration Act.

Watch as Pence repeatedly answers George Stephanopoulous's very simple yes-or-no question—does this law make discrimination against gays and lesbians legal in Indiana?—with an answer that is not "yes" or "no." It is "George."

Here is an approximate transcript of Pence's side of this interview:

"George."

"George."

"George."

"George."

"George."

The whole display was pathetic—the answer is that, without additional legal protection for gays and lesbians, the law absolutely can be used to discriminate against them. Oh, and about those additional legal protections? The ones the Indianapolis Star recommended in a bold front-page editorial today? That's one thing Pence didn't dance around at all: "No, I will not push for that.

If you were wondering what it would take to get Seth Meyers, who pitched batting practice for two-children-in-an-oversized-trenchcoat Ted Cruz (R-A Planet Where There's No Global Warming) last week, to really unleash on someone, now you know.

Congrats on a job done terribly, Governor Pence.

[h/t Mediaite]

Fish Oil Not So Perfect After All

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Fish Oil Not So Perfect After All

In the American tradition of overdosing on vitamins in pill form instead of eating actual foods packed with the nutrients themselves, fish oil is one of our favorite go-to accompaniments to our disgusting junk food habit. In fact, it's become the third-most ingested supplement in the U.S., presumably because we believe it's doing something. Turns out, it's not.

According to a report in the Well blog at the New York Times, fish oil has long been praised for improving heart health and reducing the risk of stroke, when neither of those things are exactly true.

From 2005 to 2012, at least two dozen rigorous studies of fish oil were published in leading medical journals, most of which looked at whether fish oil could prevent cardiovascular events in high-risk populations. These were people who had a history of heart disease or strong risk factors for it, like high cholesterol, hypertension or Type 2 diabetes.

All but two of these studies found that compared with a placebo, fish oil showed no benefit.

If we can't trust Big Vitamin, who can we trust?

Sure, the omega-3s that you find in your fish oil supplement may logically appear to contribute to a reduction in heart disease and blood clots. As the Times puts it, "Omega-3s can also reduce inflammation, which plays a role in atherosclerosis." Yeah, okay, that's one thing. But in large-scale studies fish oil contributes to that cause very negligibly. Most of our info on the stuff is completely out of date, having been set into the vitamin canon during studies of the late 90s, when our understanding of cardiovascular health was very different. You gotta be kidding us:

"But since then, there has been a spate of studies showing no benefit," said Dr. James Stein, the director of preventive cardiology at University of Wisconsin Hospital and Clinics. Among them was a clinical trial of 12,000 people, published in The New England Journal of Medicine in 2013, that found that a gram of fish oil daily did not reduce the rate of death from heart attacks and strokes in people with evidence of atherosclerosis.

The chief of preventive medicine at Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston, Dr. JoAnn Manson, claims that the jury is still out, and that fish oil could helpfully contribute to prevention of other diseases such as cancer and depression. But for now, maybe just eat a fatty fish or two.


Image via Shutterstock. Contact the author at dayna.evans@gawker.com.

Katie Holmes Had a Secret Whole Foods Entrance: An Update

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Katie Holmes Had a Secret Whole Foods Entrance: An Update

Last week, we investigated one of the stranger celebrity conspiracy theories: That Katie Holmes had used a secret entrance to the Whole Foods in Chelsea, Manhattan to evade paparazzi after filing for divorce against Tom Cruise. Over the weekend, we learned something that might unsettle some of our readers: The conspiracy is completely true. Katie Holmes did have a secret entrance to the Chelsea Whole Foods available only to her. Our outré theory about how exactly she gained access to the entrance, however, was not entirely correct. Here’s how she did it.

Our initial hunch—based on our amateur reading of the building’s blueprints—was that Holmes, with 6-year-old Suri in tow, had entered the grocer via a small cellar, used by Whole Foods and its sister boutique Whole Body, situated directly beneath her apartment complex’s lobby. Here’s a sketch of the route Holmes and Suri would have taken in this scenario (where the red circle is the unlocked door in Whole Body on the ground floor, and the arrow is the door in the corner of the Whole Foods produce section):

Katie Holmes Had a Secret Whole Foods Entrance: An Update

This theory was... complex. Though it had the benefit of exempting Holmes from making any extra arrangements with the building’s management, our theory also required her to physically exit her apartment complex and enter Whole Body to eventually access Whole Foods. In an email to Gawker, a municipal engineer in New York City argued this premise was too complex:

I usually don’t like to comment on articles, but I felt like you over complicated your Whole Foods theory. Based on my review of the plans, there is a door between the cellar level employee area and the cellar level corridor of the Mercantile building. Ms. Holmes probably went through this door and never had to step outside. ... If [the door is] alarmed, someone has keys to it. Ms. Holmes just had to make nice with the building superintendent or a maintenance worker at Whole Foods. It seems more plausible then sneaking into Whole Body just to get into Whole Foods.

Here’s what this route would look like (in which the circle represents the bank of elevators in the Mercantile’s basement, right across from the door leading to the cellar):

Katie Holmes Had a Secret Whole Foods Entrance: An Update

The main problem with this theory is that the door in question, when I briefly encountered it while navigating the cellar, appeared to be locked down and equipped with a serious-looking alarm; using it would be something of an ordeal, even for a celebrity. Another concern would be leaks: Stories of celebrities who ask for special treatment, no matter how trivial, inevitably wind up in the inboxes of gossip reporters. It’s the nature of the business.

But say Holmes was willing to take this risk. How would I prove, either totally or beyond reasonable doubt, that she had used this particular door? I was contemplating how much effort I wanted to invest in resolving this question, late on Friday afternoon, when I received an email from a long-time resident of The Chelsea Mercantile:

I’ve lived in the Mercantile since [redacted] and have it on excellent authority that there is indeed a way to enter Whole Foods from the basement of the building. Now, I haven’t entered that way myself, but a very good source with the building tells me that it is possible. The source ... claims it’s only possible with permission from Whole Foods, and that it only happened once. Source confirms that person was Ms. Holmes. Says Whole Foods, for whatever reason, did not want to set a precedent and so didn’t continue the practice.

This resident later supplied more information about their source—a knowledgeable member of the building’s management, it turns out—and emphasized that no other individual besides Holmes has ever been allowed, before or since, to use the same cellar door.

I have no real reason to distrust this person, who supplied their real name and whose residency I confirmed through independent channels. Representatives for Katie Holmes, Whole Foods, and The Chelsea Mercantile did not attempt to dispute this person’s account, either. (They didn’t return my emails.) I am reasonably certain, then, that the westernmost door of the cellar used by Whole Foods and Whole Body is the same door Katie Holmes used to access Whole Foods in secret.

Let’s pause for a moment and think about what this means. It means, of course, that the baffled paparazzi were on to something—Holmes did have a way of entering the Whole Foods without having to go outside. It also means that the Whole Foods employee who denied the existence of a special entrance to an Observer reporter was somehow unaware of the special entrance. That, or he was lying through his teeth. Given the fact that Holmes had to traverse through the cellar—where plenty of Whole Foods employees were likely to encounter her, her daughter, and their entourage—it’s hard to see how the existence of Holmes’ special door would have escaped those employees’ notice.

Also: It was all true. The paps were right. Whole Foods knew. The Chelsea Mercantile knew. Katie Holmes knew (of course she knew). Everybody, except the public and Tom Cruise, knew about her hidden entrance to Whole Foods. And they kept it a secret for years.

Everybody was in on it.

The best thing about conspiracy theories isn’t the joy of inventing them, discussing them, debunking them. The best thing about conspiracy theories is that, sometimes, they turn out to be true.


This is Illuminati Month on Black Bag, in which Gawker locks itself in the woodshed and breaks out the red yarn to explore its favorite conspiracy theories. Email or gchat the author: trotter@gawker.com · PGP key + fingerprint · Photo credit: Splash, City of New York Department of Buildings

Elizabeth Warren: "I'm Not Going to Run" For President

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Elizabeth Warren: "I'm Not Going to Run" For President

Asked about the prospect of running for the presidency, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, America's last populist, said very clearly on the Today show this morning "No. I'm not running and I'm not going to run." Is she going to run?

Though Warren has given more vague indications in the past that she will not run, and though her path to the Democratic nomination would run through Hillary Clinton and her boatload of power brokers for hire, what remains of the left wing of the Democratic party has resolutely held out hope that she will run, even launching PR campaigns in an attempt to persuade her. But speaking to Savanna Guthrie this morning, Warren said very bluntly, in response to a question about whether she was "categorically" not running, "I'm not running."

In the wake of her words today, allow me to say this to Elizabeth Warren: Elizabeth, you should think about running for the Democratic nomination for president. You really should. Have you thought about it? Think about it. You'd be great. Will you run? You should run.

The time for being coy has passed, Elizabeth.

[Photo: AP]

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