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Extra Miles Added to Race By Error, Runners Break Down in Tears

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Extra Miles Added to Race By Error, Runners Break Down in Tears

A bunch of pissboy and pissgirl runners were brought to tears in Bournemouth, England on Sunday when a marshal error caused the race to be extended by almost two goddamn miles. Can you imagine! You wanna run—but not that far.

The Bournemouth Bay Run on Sunday was supposed to be a leisurely 10k run, but because a race marshal was missing from a key turn, the runners ended up going for an extra three kilometers in the wrong direction. That's almost two miles more than they wanted to go, which is reason enough to cry one's eyes out, as some witnesses explained to the BBC:

Hayley James, who is four months pregnant and from Poole, said: "To have a race of that scale with only one marshal on a point is inexcusable.

"We saw loads of people walking at the end, some were in tears, I felt so sorry for them - I felt like crying at the 10km mark."

Andy Isaac, from Bournemouth, said the event was "mayhem" with one point where an elderly woman managed to drive on to the route and was flashing her lights at oncoming runners.

A spectator at the event suggested that perhaps the marshal got "caught short, went home or got fed up," and runners were not signaled to turn when they were supposed to turn. According to the BBC, at least 300 of the 1,200 runners involved ran two miles more than they were intending to. That sucks.

Good exercise, though.


Image via Shutterstock. Contact the author at dayna.evans@gawker.com.


Thousands Freed From Vomit-Spattered Diarrhea Boat

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Thousands Freed From Vomit-Spattered Diarrhea Boat

More than 100 miserable vacationers spent a large part of the last two weeks puking and shitting themselves at sea, the Centers for Disease Control confirmed Monday, after an outbreak of norovirus ravaged Celebrity Cruises' Infinity ship.

The Infinity, operated by Celebrity Cruises, returned to San Diego this afternoon to conclude its 14-day cruise with 2,117 passengers and a 964-person crew. It's unclear when people started getting sick, but this is apparently the third time the Infinity has been stricken with poop and puke-related disease. (The boat was previously awash with human excrement and barf in 2006 and 2013.)

Celebrity Cruises has dispatched a group of "corporate management, hotel, and a housekeeping team" to the scene in San Diego, a publication called the Maritime Executive reports. According to the Associated Press, there are also plans for "comprehensive sanitation procedures."


Image via Maritime Executive. Contact the author at aleksander@gawker.com .

Deadspin Russell Westbrook Catches A Too-Little Break, Far Too Late | Gizmodo This Movie's Realistic

Tori Spelling Needs Skin Grafts After Grilling Herself at Benihana

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Tori Spelling Needs Skin Grafts After Grilling Herself at Benihana

Tori Spelling tripped and fell onto a hibachi grill during an Easter outing to Japanese chain Benihana, Entertainment Tonight confirms. The star of True Tori and sufferer of general misfortune is reportedly getting skin grafts this week to repair the damage.

It was almost a perfect family meal for the Spelling-McDermotts, "aside from the Benihana burn," Tori wrote on Instagram. The Daily Mail quotes an alleged eyewitness as saying the actress tripped and fell backward onto the grill as she was getting up to leave the restaurant with Dean and the kids. What???

This isn't the first time Tori Spelling has been burned leaving a Benihana. It's the first place she was spotted by paparazzi without her wedding ring in 2013, less than a week after she learned Dean had cheated on her.

[h/t Daily Mail, Photo: Tori Spelling/Instagram]

Madonna's Greatest Hit Is Herself

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Madonna's Greatest Hit Is Herself

At this stage in her career, it seems needless to distinguish between Madonna's musical output and her stunts. Both are products of a savant-like aptitude in attention-grabbing. Both have defined her image. Both have worked in tandem from the earliest days of her superstardom. "Like a Virgin" was a great slice of post-disco dance pop, but it was also the background music to her feral roll around the stage of the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards. "Justify My Love" is a truly bizarre pop song from Venus that was brought down to earth when its video was banned by MTV. The list goes on. She is the queen of shocking moments.

So the fact that her seemingly not-quite-consensual kiss with Drake Sunday night at Coachella has spurred a bigger media flurry than her most recent album, Rebel Heart, came as no surprise to me. Madonna is an expert stuntress, and we are all at her mercy, love her or hate her.

Even Madonna herself has pointed out the folly in making the distinction between her art and her public behavior:

Social media has fostered an economy of attention that makes approval more instantaneous and tangible than ever. Madonna seems aware of this situation, which her career probabably helped facilitate. And so she participates. At this point, Madonna has more money than she and her children ever could spend. All she has to lose is her command on the public's attention span, and she has yet to do so. She's been especially ubiquitous for the past two months, saying shit that gets attention for getting attention. Her recent album, Rebel Heart, has been more useful as an excuse for Madonna to show up and say outlandish things than as a showcase of her musical creativity. People still listen to her talking. Her singing? Not so much. Rebel Heart is at No. 57 its fourth week on the Billboard 200 album chart.

The album is as invested in new-to-borderline-passé trends in dance music as Madonna's music has consistently been. That's not a problem, per se, as it seems like the most reasonable path for her to take if she is going to continue releasing new albums (she is going to continue releasing new albums). What else is she going to do? Grow up and behave? Enter the Great American Songbook phase of her career and start singing standards? Her voice can't support that, and no one would buy that either.

Remaining relevant is an open concern of Madonna's, and by that token, the Rebel Heart press tour has been a resounding success. "So if I have to be the person who opens the door for women to believe and understand and embrace the idea that they can be sexual and look good and be as relevant in their fifties or their sixties as they were in their twenties, then so be it," she told Rolling Stone in a recent cover story.

As an object in itself, the Drake kiss barely registers half-mast on the boner scale of Madonna's trademark salaciousness—it's too reminiscent of the Britney VMAs kiss from 2003 and it's missing the same-sex taboo. But I suspect the lip-lock with Drake was directly inspired by the one with Britney, and as such reads as an expression of power. Madonna knows that when she kisses people onstage, people care, and oh my god they care so much. Only a handful of people in the world will ever know what it's like to own a pair of lips whose mere use can create a scandal.

Onstage at Coachella, Madonna reveled in her fame, while ensuring its maintenance. She celebrated herself and her condition simultaneously. Perhaps the only celebrity who does this as consistently and entertainingly is Kanye West, who is still at the point in his career where he can release hit songs, but has nonetheless amassed a slew of non-musical hits through the years (his New York Times interview promoting Yeezus characterized that era and got as much traction as the album itself). Rolling Stone asked Madonna if she saw any similarities between her and West and she said, "Not really," only to retract that a few weeks later and call Kanye "the black Madonna" in a New York Daily News interview. (Maybe "heir apparent" would have sufficed.)

Madonna vacillates between performing bald-faced stunts and decrying bald-faced stunting. It's as though she knows her behavior is sometimes cheap, but she just can't help herself. She claimed to Rolling Stone that Rebel Heart contains "envelope-pushing, mischief-making, provocative music," but on that album's title track is this curious verse:

I've spent some time as a narcissist
Hearing the other say: "Look at you, look at you,
Trying to be so provocative"
I said: "Oh yeah, that was me.
All the things I did just to be seen."
Outgrown my past and I've shed my skin
Letting it go and I'll start again, start again
Never look back, it's a waste of time
I said: "Oh yeah, this is me
And I'm right here where I wanna be."

But it's clear that Madonna has learned little on this front—or maybe it's just that her education is coming from the school of public attention. Look at all the things she's done to be seen in just the past two months! She's suggested a lot of skull-bashingly stupid things this era, like that her career is comparable to that of Martin Luther King, Jr., or that she's the only one who hears shitty, bigoted things in Instagram comments. (To Rolling Stone: "No one would dare to say a degrading remark on Instagram about someone being black or gay, but my age? Anybody and everybody would say something degrading to me.") Madonna has bragged about not reading newspapers—it's doubtful that she is stepping outside her own existence to understand others' social media struggles. What can we take this for other than pseudo-intellectual provocation that's said for the sake of being repeated?

And there go I, falling into her open trap like I always have. It's been fun. Madonna isn't always right, her music isn't always good, but I can't take my eyes off her and the public can't either, even if its collective ears are now elsewhere. Madonna's provocation is often empty and self-serving, yes, but clouds rain and wind blows and time goes by so slowly. These forces may have no profound meaning beyond the self-evident but they're not going anywhere any time soon. Neither is Madonna.

[Image via Getty]

500 Days of Kristin, Day 78: Kristin's Petite Bakini

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500 Days of Kristin, Day 78: Kristin's Petite Bakini

Last week, we relayed Kristin Cavallari's swimsuit shopping advice for women with problem areas, as originally published on the Kristin Cavallari app for iPhone under the heading "Best Bathing Suit for Different Body Types."

Kristin's post offers helpful tips for women with "little tummies," curvy women, "pear shape" women, and women with small busts. Whether it be try the maternity section or just add some fabric, Kristin has something to say to everyone.

But perhaps you read those tips and did not find anything that applies to you. Maybe you don't actually have any problem areas. Maybe you're just like, really lucky genetically. You need attention, too, I'm guessing.

Do not fear—Kristin has advice for women who are so blessed. Because you know what? She's been there. She writes:

If you are petite: this is me. I've found over the years that string bikinis look the best. We don't have a lot to work with so in this case, less is more.

Flaunt it!

500 Days of Kristin, Day 78: Kristin's Petite Bakini

This is me.


This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photo via Getty]

Arabelle Sicardi, Author of Deleted Dove Post, Resigns From BuzzFeed

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BuzzFeed beauty editor Arabelle Sicardi, who wrote a post criticizing a Dove soap advertising campaign that was later deleted (and eventually restored) at the request of editor-in-chief Ben Smith, is resigning from the site, according to an internal memo distributed by BuzzFeed Style editor Julie Gerstein.

From: Julie Gerstein
Date: Mon, Apr 13, 2015 at 5:25 PM
Subject: News about Arabelle Sicardi
To: Editorial

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to send a note out to let you guys know that sadly Arabelle has decided to move on to pursue other ventures. We are deeply sad to see her go, and will miss her, but we know she is going to do amazingly cool projects and insightful, passionate work in the future. Her last day will be April 24, so come say hi and hang until then!

We’re told that Sicardi’s departure followed an organized effort by multiple BuzzFeed editors, including Ben Smith, to keep her on as a full-time editor. However Smith’s decision to delete her Dove post appears to have torpedoed that effort.

Shortly after this post was published, Sicardi tweeted:

If you know any more about this, please get in touch.

Coachella 2015 in photos

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Coachella 2015 in photos

This past weekend, thousands and thousands of attractively dressed Instagram hashtag abusers rushed to the desert of Indio to willfully dehydrate themselves in a united effort to save California from its drought. Either that or Coachella happened. Here's a photo diary of one of the biggest music buffets in America.

Image Credit: Rich Fury/Invision/AP

Coachella 2015 in photos

Image Credit: Scott Roth/Invision/AP

Coachella 2015 in photos

Father John Misty, Image Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

Daniel Kessler of Interpol, Image Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

DJ Gramatik, Image Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

Stromae, Image Credit: Jason Kempin/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

David Guetta, Image Credit: Rich Fury/Invision/AP

Coachella 2015 in photos

alt-J, Image Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

The Weeknd, Image Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

Image Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

Image Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

Image Credit: Rich Fury/Invision/AP

Coachella 2015 in photos

Image Credit: Scott Roth/Invision/AP

Coachella 2015 in photos

Image Credit: Rich Fury/Invision/AP

Coachella 2015 in photos

Image Credit: Matt Cowan/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

Chrono Chromatic art installation by Aphidoidea, Image Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

Papilio Merraculous art installation by Poetic Kinetics, Image Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

Papilio Merraculous art installation by Poetic Kinetics, Image Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

Big Horn Palace art installation by Shrine and Joel Dean Stockdill, Image Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty

Coachella 2015 in photos

Image Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty


LIFE IN PHOTOS is a new series on Sploid in which we showcase a photo gallery centered around noteworthy news events, spectacular festivals, fascinating gatherings around the world and more. If you are a photographer with ideas and would like to be featured, please drop me a line here.


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Match the Ridiculous Groupie Sex Story to the Famous Musician

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Match the Ridiculous Groupie Sex Story to the Famous Musician

What follows is baseless gossip and may also sear your eyeballs, but we’re going to share it nonetheless. Over on Reddit, women are swapping stories about famous musicians they’ve supposedly slept with. Rather than just giving you the highlights, let’s make this a game: match the story with the famous person it’s supposedly about! Fun fact: I regret this already.

Here’s the essay prompt that sparked the discussion on Ask Reddit : “Girls who have slept with rock stars: How was it? What was you [sic] [perception of the person afterwards? What did your friends and family think (if you told them)? etc.” Once again, this thread can’t be verified in any way, and some of these stories are frankly just too good to be true. Please approach this the same way you might a Weekly World News story about the Bat Boy emerging from a cave in West Virginia and fleeing in a stolen Mini-Cooper.

We’ll give you the story, give you a few moments to think about it, then give you the answer in photo form. I apologize in advance for every word of this and may God have mercy on us all.

Your Body is a Kleenex, Basically

A girl I knew in college “slept” with [Musician] after the Concert for Virginia Tech. I say “slept” because he had her lie on the bed, then he jacked off on her. Then he just left.

Interesting! In a bad way! That’s a bad way to do sex!

....

....

The answer, allegedly:

Match the Ridiculous Groupie Sex Story to the Famous Musician

That’s guitarist and WBI (Wonderland Body Inspector) John Mayer. I probably gave that one away with the title. Moving on!

First the Intercourse, Then the Collectibles:

I cannot think of a seamless segue between “I am inside you” and “Here’s an autographed CD” or whatever, but supposedly our hero found a way.

I used to be friends with someone who slept with [Musician.] She said she had a good time and he gave her some signed memorabilia items. It sounds like he was nice to her.

....

....

The answer, allegedly:

Match the Ridiculous Groupie Sex Story to the Famous Musician

I’m actually curious about this one, because Jack White is famously a lil cranky. But maybe that’s just when he’s dealing with the asshole media, and he knows how to be polite where it counts. (Call me, Jack White.)

Under the Table and Talking about Pooping On You

No spicy stories from myself, but I have a trustworthy friend who hooked up with [Musician] in the 90s. He started talking about scat play and she noped on out of there.

You knew there’d be at least one of these.

....

....

The answer, allegedly:

Match the Ridiculous Groupie Sex Story to the Famous Musician

That’s Dave Matthews, who presumably does not wear a mossy sweater during sex. (I’m not good at coming up with non-giving-it-away titles, am I?)

Polar Opposites (Between This Guy and the Famous Musician His Lady Ran off With)

Kind of related, but I feel like sharing; [Musician] (singer of [Band]) fucked my date while we were hanging out at his hotel. That was not a fun night.

edit This was in 2000, so maybe he’s matured and isn’t such a drunk, unintelligible douchebag these days, but I haven’t felt the urge to look into it.

edit 2 Since people have asked, here’s the story. In 1999 I met this girl who worked at a video store, and we hit it off. We were friends, we started to get a little more intimate. We weren’t dating, but we were hanging out almost daily and our discussions and actions were heading in that direction. She was a huge fan of this band [Band], that I hadn’t heard of, and asked if I wanted to go to the show with her. I agreed, of course, and she made me a mixtape to introduce me to the band. Night of the concert, and it’s in this shitty dive bar(they weren’t very well known yet). I don’t drink, she does, and she gets pretty drunk.

After the show I wait with her for an autograph. The band comes out, there’s no one else waiting, and we talk for awhile. The guys invite us back to their motel, and give us the address. I drive us over. We spend a few hours in the ir suite, drinking, smoking(I do neither, but whatever), talking about music and shitty pothead philosophy. One by one the band goes to bed, until it’s just me, my date, and [Musician]. They leave the room to have a cigarette outside, and after 15 minutes I go looking for them, and see their basically fucking in the stairwell. I go back and sit on the couch, try and focus on the TV, and not the sinking pit in my stomache(it sounds juvenile, but I was just 21, and really into this girl, and it hurt). At one point the drummer comes out half asleep, looks around at the empty room, looks at me, gives me this weird nod, and goes back to bed.

So, the embarrassing thing: I didn’t leave. I didn’t get out of the room. I stuck around, and then drove her home in the morning. I didn’t want to leave her stranded miles away from home in a motel. And, as a postscript, we’ve remained very good friends over the past 15+ years. We never got together, but it isn’t a completely unhappy ending. Also, I know I mention that she’s drunk and stoned, and [Musician] had a rape accusation, but it was completely consensual. She wanted to do it, she has no regrets about it.

[Empathetic embarassment cringe]

....

....

The answer, allegedly:

Match the Ridiculous Groupie Sex Story to the Famous Musician

That’s Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse, looking plaid as plaid can be.

(As the Reddit post mentions, Brock was accused of rape by a 19-year-old woman in 1999. She didn’t ultimately press charges, and the Seattle prosecutor also didn’t pursue the case. In 2004, Brock called the charges “complete and utter bullshit,” adding, “It fucked up my life once, and I’d prefer to just let it go.”

Yeah bo— oh my God:

Ok not even a throwaway… I fucked [Musician] in a seedy toilet room out the back of the ANU Refectory Bar in 1998. I’m not proud. I try not to tell people. But on the bright side, I didn’t get gonorrhea.

Any experience where that is your bright side is not the best experience, Reddit lady!

....

....

The answer, allegedly:

Match the Ridiculous Groupie Sex Story to the Famous Musician

You know what? Let’s be real here. Flavor Flav has seven kids. Seven. He probably knows what he’s doing.

Are we an item? [Famous person], quit playin’

I know a girl who slept with [Musician] about a year ago. Super hot Swedish girl (I guess he’s still big/not super hated over there...). Had to sign an NDA. Said he was super lazy in bed. Average size. Pretty much what you’d expect I guess.

Edit: For everyone saying she “broke the NDA” by telling her friends, I get it alright? I still think the main idea behind having anyone sign an NDA before boning a celebrity is to prevent them from profiting and/or publicizing the story but then again, I wasn’t there to read what she signed.

Edit: Alright guys. Someone posted the nondisclosure agreement and she in fact did break the terms. I’m surprised so many people seem to want to send her to jail...

Super lazy, huh? This can only be...

....

....

The answer, allegedly:

Match the Ridiculous Groupie Sex Story to the Famous Musician

Totally unrelated, not speculating or anything, but having a gaggle of people dying to sleep with you at any given time probably doesn’t lend itself to developing sturdy and generous sexual habits, you know?

Can’t Take No More, Ain’t No Lie, Etc.

My sister briefly dated (and thus slept with) [Musician from band] at what would have been the height of [Band] fan girl mania.

[Musician] of course eventually ended up coming out as gay, so now I get to jab her that she fucked him so poorly he switched teams.

That’s not nice and it’s not how it works but also that’s exactly the kind of thing you say to your sibling.

....

....

The answer, allegedly:

Match the Ridiculous Groupie Sex Story to the Famous Musician

Lance Bass has reportedly said he stayed in the closet for the sake of NSYNC, which just makes me terribly sad. Luckily he’s happily married to Michael Turchin now, and made history as the first same-sex couple to get married on network TV. Happy ending for everybody but the lady who supposedly didn’t have such a great night with Mr. Bass!

Now is, I suppose, the time that I ask for your similar tales of woe and/or triumph. If you don’t have any musician-banging to share, you may use this space to tell me the least conventionally attractive person you would still sleep with because of their musical and/or artistic talent. We’ll never speak of this again.

Top image via Columbia Pictures/screencap, all other photos via Getty

Fake Cop Pulls Over Real Cops, Gets Taken to Real Jail, Cops Say

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Fake Cop Pulls Over Real Cops, Gets Taken to Real Jail, Cops Say

A Florida man was given a valuable lesson in the importance of being yourself on Saturday, when the pretend cop reportedly pulled over two true detectives, landing him in actual jail.

According to the Lee County Sheriff's Office, John Arthur Benedict, 69, was driving a white Crown Victoria bearing a "police interceptor" emblem when he began tailing an unmarked police SUV he later claimed he saw speeding. From WBBH-TV:

[The detectives] thought it was law enforcement, according to the report, which says the Crown Victoria followed them closely and then activated lights.

"[Detective] W. Lusk who was driving pulled into the right hand lane to stop for the law enforcement officer," the report notes.

But as the detective pulled over he noticed the vehicle was actually not law enforcement and it continued to drive east into a supermarket parking lot.

The detective followed the vehicle into the parking lot and made contact with Benedict - asking him if he was law enforcement, according to the redacted report that doesn't say how Benedict may have responded to them.

Realizing he was not, in fact, a police officer, but a 69-year-old man playing cops and robbers (who also happen to be cops), the detectives then detained Benedict for being a total poser.

Benedict now faces charges of impersonating a police officer and unlawful use of police insignia, surely qualifying him for a reserve deputy position at the Tulsa County Sheriff's Office.

[Image via Lee County Sheriff's Office]

Plane Makes Emergency Landing After Screams Heard From Cargo Hold

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Plane Makes Emergency Landing After Screams Heard From Cargo Hold

After less than 10 minutes in the air, an Alaska Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing on Monday when a napping baggage handler woke up in the plane's cargo hold and began banging and screaming.

In an official statement, the airline confirmed that the L.A.-bound flight returned to Seattle when the pilot "reported hearing banging from beneath the aircraft" immediately after takeoff. According to KIRO-TV reporter Alison Grande, passengers also heard screaming.

Upon landing, an airport employee walked out of the plane's pressurized and temperature-controlled front cargo hold, reportedly telling authorities "he had fallen asleep." The man was then taken to a local hospital as a precaution and released shortly afterward.

Alaska Airlines says they are "actively investigating" the incident.

[Image via KIRO 7/h/t Neetzan Zimmerman]

Tulsa Deputy Charged With Manslaughter Over "Inadvertent" Shooting

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Tulsa Deputy Charged With Manslaughter Over "Inadvertent" Shooting

The 73-year-old volunteer deputy who shot and killed Eric Harris after mistakenly drawing his gun instead of his Taser was charged with second-degree manslaughter on Monday, The New York Times reports.

The charge against Robert C. Bates—named the Tulsa County Sheriff's Office "Deputy of the Year" just three years ago—was announced in a statement today by the Tulsa County District Attorney's Office:

Mr. Bates is charged with Second-Degree Manslaughter involving culpable negligence. Oklahoma law defines culpable negligence as "the omission to do something which a reasonably careful person would do, or the lack of the usual ordinary care and caution in the performance of an act usually and ordinarily exercised by a person under similar circumstances and conditions."

At a press conference on Friday, police released footage of the deadly shooting, which an officer characterized as "an inadvertent mistake." In the video, Bates can be heard shouting "Taser!" before a single gunshot rings out. "I shot him," Bates then says, "I'm sorry."

According to the Tulsa World, Bates is an insurance company executive who has donated thousands of dollars in equipment to the Sheriff's Office since being made a reserve deputy in 2008, including "multiple vehicles, guns and stun guns."

"There are lots of wealthy people in the reserve program," a Sheriff's Office spokesperson told the paper. "Many of them make donations of items. That’s not unusual at all."

Tulsa police say Bates previously worked in law enforcement for one year, from 1964 to 1965.

[Image via Tulsa County Sheriff's Office]

Man Blames Armadillo After Accidentally Shooting Mother-In-Law

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Man Blames Armadillo After Accidentally Shooting Mother-In-Law

Credulous authorities say a dead armadillo is responsible for a bizarre accidental shooting in Georgia after a bullet allegedly ricocheted off the animal and into the shooter's mother-in-law.

According to insufficiently suspicious police, Larry McElroy was aiming for the critter when he fired the round that followed a 100-yard-long, Warren Commission-approved path into 74-year-old Carol Johnson's back. From WALB-TV:

Lee County Sheriff's deputies said 54-year-old Larry McElroy was outside when he fired his 9 mm pistol at the armadillo. The bullet killed the animal, but also ricocheted off of it, hit a fence, went through the back door of his mother-in-law's mobile home, through a recliner she was sitting in, and into her back.

Johnson was not severely injured, the station reports.

"Just the circumstances, just all the way around, the whole situation was unusual," said Investigator Bill Smith, who would apparently rather share firearm suggestions than investigate anything.

"I really think if they're going to shoot at varmints and whatnot, maybe use a shotgun... with a spread pattern with a lot less range," Smith said.

[Image via Shutterstock]

Anyone (Zayn) Who Gets Married at Disneyland Is Too Young to Get Married

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Anyone (Zayn) Who Gets Married at Disneyland Is Too Young to Get Married

Twenty-two-year-old singer Zayn Malik, formerly of One Direction, is engaged to be married to a 21-year-old woman named Perrie Edwards. That's pretty crazy in and of itself, but now fans are speculating that Zayn is going to get married...in DISNEYLAND. In JUNE!!!!!

Why would he ever do that?

According to Heat magazine, Zayniacs have followed a series of Instagram clues to determine that Zayn and Perrie will wed at the theme park. Heat reports that earlier this month, Zayn's sister Saafa posted and then deleted a photo of Perrie in a wedding dress with the caption, "Cinderella #loveweddings."

Then current One Directioner Liam Payne's girlfriend Sophia Smith posted and deleted a photo of Perrie standing in front of a carriage.

A carriage! Like one you would see in an animated Disney film!

Finally, "Perrie's BFF Katherine Spires" (??) told a fan that she was going to Disneyland in June.

Is it all coming together for you now, and are you crying?

Zayn and Perrie have yet to confirm the news and whether or not the wedding will take place in Cinderella's castle or on a roller coaster or what.

Disneyland. Lord have mercy.


Photo via Disney. Contact the author at allie@gawker.com.

I'm Rooting For You, Iowa Reporter On Very Public Weight Loss Journey

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I'm Rooting For You, Iowa Reporter On Very Public Weight Loss Journey

Hey, Daniel P. Finney—metro voice columnist for the Des Moines Register—brother, I've got your back. I know this is an unfamiliar statement to read on Gawker.com, but stay with me.

Last weekend, Finney published a piece that was unlike the rest of his work, which usually focuses on local and national politics. This latest story, a first-person essay titled "One man's battle to go from fat to fit," begins:

I'm fat.

Something different. Concise. Unusual. I'm listening.

Scratch that. I'm morbidly obese.

This isn't being verbose. This is a medical diagnosis.

I've ignored it for at least five years, probably longer.

I ignored it after I was diagnosed as a Type II diabetic.

I ignored it when the scales at the doctor's office could no longer measure my weight because my girth exceeded 500 pounds.

I joke about being fat. We're supposed to be jolly, right?

The column continues this way, as Finney explains to his readers what it's like to be over five hundred pounds. His anecdotes could make even the toughest bitch cry: "I don't fit into seats at most public venues anymore. I'm too large to sit in booths at most restaurants," he writes. A young child—the son of a friend!—called him "fatty" over Halloween. That is heartbreaking.

Finney turns 40 this year, and is determined to take off at least 50 pounds to start, though surely more will follow. In a candid video that accompanies his story, Finney explains that he will be working with a therapist, a nutritionist, and a physical therapist to undergo the weight loss he needs to no longer be in pain—emotionally or physically.

"People make fun of fat people," Finney says in the video. "If you're a savage who comments on our website, I hope you'll have fun making fun of me."

Well, guess who will not be making fun of you, Finney? Me. I support you and think you're top notch. Good luck on your journey, though it looks like you're already well on the way:

You got it, man!!!


Image via the Des Moines Register. Contact the author at dayna.evans@gawker.com.


Why Is CENTCOM So Stupid?

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Why Is CENTCOM So Stupid?

Iraqi Prime Minister Haider al-Abadi is in Washington today to meet President Obama. To set the stage yesterday, U.S. Central Command—the military command charged with advancing U.S. interests in the Middle East—announced that ISIS has lost control of 25 to 30 percent of its territory since August. The Pentagon briefing map, pictured below, is meticulous in its utter irrelevance.

Why Is CENTCOM So Stupid?

The Pentagon spokesmen said that "coalition forces" expected to clear Tikrit of ISIS/ISIL "relatively soon" and that the front line "has been pushed either west or south, depending on location." I believe that the "coalition forces" Army Col. Steve Warren was referring to are U.S., Iraqi, and Kurdish Iraqi forces, and possibly the Syrians in Damascus, but we don't talk about them; and maybe the Iranians and the Turks, who have certainly given an assist, and the NATO coalition members participating; and, hell, let's throw the Canadians in there, too. They flew their first bombing mission last week in support of Operation IMPACT, which is part of Operation Inherent Resolve, which is part of Operation New Dawn, which followed Operation Iraqi Freedom, which was an extension of Operation Enduring Freedom, which was Operation Infinite Justice before Allah's public affairs office rejected that moniker as politically incorrect. We'll keep fighting until we get the name right.

But the announcement of the "coalition's" dramatic advances in Iraq went unheralded; only the Military Times gave the story major play. How could it be that CENTCOM announces a 25 percent gain/progress/advance/victory the day before the Iraqi Prime Minister is meeting with the American President, and the news fails to make the front pages of any mainstream newspaper?

The answer is that no one reports because CENTCOM is clueless. It's not just routine American cluelessness, or gross incompetence in the region—it's something endemic to the military and the way these combat commands view the world.

I've been looking at CENTCOM documents recently, trying to divine American strategy, the command's worldview, and its overall expertise and authority to tell us anything about today or tomorrow. And I think I've come up with part of the answer.

Though the fight against ISIS dominates the news, CENTCOM's worldview is shaped by an laundry list of horrors. First comes the Arab-Israeli conflict, which, in the weird world of the military, is dominant but rarely spoken about. In the bulging minds of the "strategic thinkers," weapons of mass destruction are always the trump card, which in the past meant Iraq and now means Iran and possibly Pakistan and India and Israel—any cross-examinations of the real world gets unpleasant. And then there's oil and that means Saudi Arabia, the Gulf states, and the strategic chokepoints of locations taught in graduate schools. Post-9/11, there's the buzzword of "ungoverned spaces" and the scourge of instability, which means, well, everywhere, which sort of means ISIS (which the military calls ISIL) when al-Qaeda doesn't sound worse, in which case al-Qaeda is preferred.

Don't believe me? Gawker has obtained an official statement of the "Strategic Environment," one approved by CENTCOM Commander General Lloyd J. Austin, III, last September. It doesn't mention Yemen and barely acknowledges ISIS, but this is the "strategic environment," and, as such, it is supposed to reflect the big picture.

Why Is CENTCOM So Stupid?

CENTCOM's last approved "Strategic Environment" (February 2014) was virtually identical to its current one. On some level that might be a good thing, except that every change is reflective of some buzzword or nuance in Washington that merely strengthens the hand of the command. For instance, in its latest approved statement, CENTCOM adds the words "threatening global security" to its description of "a resilient al-Qaeda movement." It isn't that al Qaeda didn't threaten global security before (at least in the crazy minds of the U.S. government); it's more that "threatening global security" is the official language that comports with the latest White House articulations of what is top priority.

Why Is CENTCOM So Stupid?

Testifying before Congress last month, Austin said his troops have "the right strategy in place to safeguard our interests, to effectively address challenges and pursue opportunities, and ultimately to accomplish our mission on behalf of the Nation."

"We are confident that our actions in pursuit of these opportunities will continue to produce positive results in the coming days," Austin blustered. Not so confident that he doesn't need more money, though: "Without question, our ability to do so and our overall readiness are put at grave risk by the continued reductions made to the defense budget...."

Bombing here, bombing there, special operations, naval patrols, drone flights and strikes, intelligence collection galore—despite "withdrawals" from Afghanistan and Iraq, the activity is constant and enduring. The U.S. military presence in the Middle East, at this point, must be labeled permanent. Another CENTCOM slide from an internal PowerPoint briefing, obtained by Gawker, inadvertently reveals that secret priority.

Why Is CENTCOM So Stupid?

Forget operations. In the next five years, the United States is planning to spend $3.5 billion on military construction, almost exclusively in the Gulf region, to prepare for the future. Internal documents state: "The footprint in this region is more robust because of the probability of conflict is greater, the region is more strategically significant, our legacy infrastructure is located in the region and it is centrally located within the theater." They're not bases: They are officially called "enduring locations."

One more slide: CENTCOM's annual conference assessing the horizon. The problem statement from this 2014 briefing is bracing. "The CENTCOM AOR [Area of Responsibility] after a decade of war has become a tightly wound complexity of perilous political, economic and socio-cultural undercurrents and constants exacerbated by conflict, poverty, and corrupt, ineffective or inefficient institutional growth."

And yet what are the issues? Everything, from Chinese, Russian and Indian interests in the region to demographics to a Sinai war that no one speaks about. What is it that we are asking our military to do? Control the world?

Why Is CENTCOM So Stupid?

CENTCOM is clueless because the United States doesn't have a clue about what to do in the Middle East. U.S. Central Command—part warfighter, part cheerleader; part Nate Silver and part Mister Magoo—is overwhelmed by more than a half dozen conflicts, a buffeted and overwhelmed jack-of-all-trades that everyone relies on and yet doesn't really have the brainpower to do the job. It's not a matter of limited resources, it's not simply bad luck and bad timing, and it isn't just that all problems are thrust into the laps of the military. Far too often, we hear that lament: that the military would be magnificent if the White House, State Department, bureaucrats, lawyers—you fill in the blank—didn't mess things up. It would indeed be inspiring if the command followed some dogged path toward improving security or reducing the carnage. But all of this evidence indicates it is just unfocused and cliched; preparing to prepare, fighting to make and remake maps, and announcing progress on the way to nowhere.

[Photo of Canadian Armed Forces CF-18 fighter jet (IS2014-7535-02) courtesy of Canadian Forces Combat Camera, DND. Map credit: Military Times. All other images obtained by the author.]

You can contact me at william.arkin@gawker.com, and follow us at @gawkerphasezero. If you are into the theater of being underground, you can anonymously deliver tips through the Gawker Media SecureDrop. I've got a book on drones coming out in July called Unmanned: Drones, Data and the Illusion of Perfect Warfare. I'm open to your input and your questions, tough questions.

Texas Frats Ban Any Party Theme Involving "Pimps" and/or "Hos"

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Texas Frats Ban Any Party Theme Involving "Pimps" and/or "Hos"

In an effort to save face after one of its members threw a racist "border patrol" party last month, the interfraternity council at the University of Texas introduced "culturally sensitive" party theme rules. The council also released lists of approved and forbidden themes.


Although the Texas Fiji chapter ultimately wasn't punished for hosting an event where students wore "construction hard hats with the names 'Jefe' and 'Pablo Sanchez' written on them, as well as reflective vests and work gloves," the IFC wants to avoid another situation where a fraternity comes perilously close to being held accountable for its party-related actions.

Henceforth, frats "will exhibit cultural sensitivity and will respect all cultures, races, ethnicities, and religions." At least, that's what their updated code of conduct says.

In practice, that just means these perennially popular themes are OUT—"just say NO to anything involving the word 'ho'":

Texas Frats Ban Any Party Theme Involving "Pimps" and/or "Hos"

And these "sensitive" replacements are IN:

Texas Frats Ban Any Party Theme Involving "Pimps" and/or "Hos"

I cannot possibly imagine how any of these themes could be employed to "get women to wear as little possible." The beach? Mardi Gras? Las Vegas? This list is foolproof.

Although "border patrol" isn't mentioned specifically, banning "gals and gauchos" and "south of the border" parties seems like an obvious suggestion to maybe not dress as Mexican caricatures next time.

But Fiji (the same house that allegedly made a "no Mexicans" rule back in 2007) says their party theme wasn't really "border patrol," it was just "western," and it's not their fault that guests took it a little too far.

If we've learned anything about frats, it's that if they really want to throw an unofficially racist party, they will find a way to do so. Even if the theme is "P" is for Party.

[h/t The College Fix, Photo: Julia Brouillette/The Daily Texan]

Ex-Philly Drug Cop Admits to Taking Cash and Planting Evidence for Years

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Ex-Philly Drug Cop Admits to Taking Cash and Planting Evidence for Years

A former Philadelphia narcotics cop testified in court today against six of his former co-workers, claiming the group stole drug money and planted evidence "too many times to count" during his nearly 15 years in the department's drug unit.

Jeffrey Walker was busted in an FBI sting in May 2013 and has been in custody since February 2014 after pleading guilty to stealing $15,000 in drug money and planting drugs in a suspect's car. He is now testifying against six other narcotics officers implicated in the FBI's investigation, including the group's alleged ringleader, officer Thomas Liciardello.

Walker testified in court today that the group would target "college-boy, khaki-pants types" because they were "easy to intimidate." From the Associated Press:

That matches the description of some of the drug dealers who have testified in recent weeks in the federal police corruption trial. The witnesses have said the squad stole as much as $80,000 at a time during illegal raids marked by threats and physical violence.

Walker, 46, said police brass applauded the drug squad because they made big arrests that made them look good. Squad leader Thomas Liciardello, the lead defendant, "produced big jobs, a lot of arrests," he said.

"They liked that, as far as the bosses and supervisors were concerned. It made them look good. It was nothing but a dog and pony show. That's all it is," Walker said.

Liciardello, he said, always got a cut of the money stolen or skimmed from drug suspects, while the others split the "jobs" they worked, Walker said.

And according to the Philadelphia Inquirer's comprehensive rundown of Walker's 24-year police career, he's been dogged by corruption accusations for years:

Once in the prestigious drug unit, it took only a few years before things started to go awry and for the complaints to reach Internal Affairs. The first complaint came in 2002. Another came in '04, another in '05, and three in 2006.

The first settlement for a case with a payout attached - $75,000 - came in February 2004. After that, they kept coming.

Of the 22 complaints filed against Walker, the department sustained just one: from 2003 about a search without proper warrants. Of the 13 now-closed lawsuits filed against Walker, the city paid in seven of the cases for a total of $352,500.

The FBI's corruption case, WPVI reports, has led to at least 160 drug convictions being overturned.


Image via CBS Philadelphia. Contact the author at aleksander@gawker.com .

Is Your Flip Phone the Only Thing Stopping You From Getting Laid?

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Is Your Flip Phone the Only Thing Stopping You From Getting Laid?

"How can I get girls' phone numbers and not feel like a loser when I have a flip phone?" asks a male user of the internet advice site Quora.com.

"Going through financial tough times right now, and having a flip phone as a young 20's guy is not the most attractive/confidence building, especially when making first impressions with women," writes the lovelorn young man. "One girl literally scoffed when I pulled out my phone. Any help is appreciated."

Fortunately people giving advice on the internet know a lot about love if you get my drift.

SOME GREAT ADVICE IN GENERAL

3. "If and when you bust out that flip phone and your date doesn't say anything you should ask 'Aren't you gonna say something? I mean I have a flip phone.' or 'I know I know it's a flip phone.' If they don't laugh or agree in some capacity then end the date right there. They're too much of a stiff to have a laugh and a good time."

2. "Dude, you are in a super awesome situation. This is the perfect opportunity for you to demonstrate your good sense of humor, and that you don't take yourself too seriously (both are qualities that women seem to frequently appreciate)."
"You: 'Hey, can I call you sometime?'"

"Her: 'Sure! I'd love that.'"

"You: 'Sweet.' (pulls out flip phone) 'As you can see, I'm a pretty technologically savvy guy.'"

"Her: (giggles) 'Wow, I can see that! I'm 555-123-4567.'"

1.

Is Your Flip Phone the Only Thing Stopping You From Getting Laid?

[Photo: Shutterstock]

Contact the author at Hamilton@Gawker.com.

Forget Everything You Thought About Kelly Clarkson Scheduling Sex

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Forget Everything You Thought About Kelly Clarkson Scheduling Sex

What if I asked you: Do you think Kelly Clarkson is the kind of woman who would schedule sex with her husband, talent manager Brandon Blackstock? What would you say: Yes or no?

First, make your decision.

The choices are either, "Yes, I think Kelly Clarkson is the kind of woman who would schedule sex with her husband."

Or:

"No, I don't think Kelly Clarkson is the kind of woman who would schedule sex with her husband."

Maybe it would help you to put yourself into the shoes of Kelly Clarkson. Here are some facts about her, via Wikipedia:

  • She is an American singer and songwriter.
  • She has sold over 25 million albums worldwide.
  • Her mother is a descendant of Republican state senator Isaiah Rose.
  • Growing up she would go to church on Sunday and Wednesday.
  • She wanted to be a marine biologist before she wanted to be a singer songwriter, but changed her mind after seeing Jaws.
  • She appeared as an extra in Sabrina, the Teenage Witch and Dharma & Greg.
  • She worked at a movie theater.
  • In 2001, she traveled to Los Angeles.
  • Kelly Clarkson is a soprano.
  • She likes Radiohead.
  • She claims she has never lip-synched.
  • Kelly wouldn't call herself a "hardcore feminist."
  • Ms. Clarkson is currently an ambassador of "March of Dimes."
  • Some stuff about a ring that belonged to Jane Austen.
  • She has a line of greeting cards.

So what do you think: Does Kelly Clarkson schedule sex with her husband (reminder: it's talent manager Brandon Blackstock), or does she not? From Redbook:

"I always swore ours would not be a relationship where we have to schedule sex. That is never going to happen."

So there you go.


Image via AP. Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.

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