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Conan Writer Tweets, Quickly Deletes Rant About Jimmy Fallon's Comedy

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Conan Writer Tweets, Quickly Deletes Rant About Jimmy Fallon's Comedy

A long-time writer for Conan O’Brien went on a quickly-deleted Twitter rant last week about the current late night comedy landscape, resulting in a less-than-flattering response from his boss Sunday.

Andrés du Bouchet—Conan’s writer for the last six years—ultimately deleted the majority of his tweets, which appeared to be aimed at Jimmy Fallon’s celebrity-intensive Tonight Show and some of the other, more inane late night cable TV shows.

Still, some of the messages were preserved by Uproxx:

Comedy in 2015 needs a severe motherfucking shakeup. No celebrities, no parodies, no pranks, no mash-ups or hashtag wars. I’m fat.

@dubouchet and shove your lip-synching up your ass.

Prom King Comedy. That’s what I call all this shit. You’ve let the popular kids appropriate the very art form that helped you deal. Fuck.

None of the funniest stuff ever involved celebrity cameos.

Once again I’m a bonehead for tweeting as a fan of comedy instead of as a guy who earns a living doing it.

@guybranum thanks but now comes the inevitable dressing down at work for criticizing other talk shows!

@dubouchet add games and lip synching and nostalgia and karaoke to this list.

Sorry for being a bloviating elitist windbag last night. I know tons of talented people are making the stuff I enjoy shitting all over.

Not that he’s wrong? But there’s a more important lesson at play here: Never Tweet.


Contact the author of this post at gabrielle@gawker.com


Game Recognized Game

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Game Recognized Game

A professional hunter tracking a lion for an American client this weekend was reportedly trampled to death by an elephant mid-hunt, the Telegraph reports.

[Ian Gibson], 55, one of Zimbabwe’s best known big game hunters, died scouting for prey in the Zambezi Valley after a young bull elephant charged, then knelt on him and crushed him to death.

“We don’t yet know the full details of how ‘Gibbo’ as we called him, died, as the American client and the trackers are still too traumatised to give us full details,” said Paul Smith, managing director of Chifuti Safaris’ which employed Mr Gibson for the hunt.

The American hunter was on his first trip to Zimbabwe, and only has one leg, but was “fit and strong” and had already shot a leopard. Mr Gibson was scouting for lions when he encountered the elephant.

Animal karma or nah?

[images via Twitter, Shutterstock]


Contact the author of this post at gabrielle@gawker.com

If French People Had Trouble Getting Cocaine This Weekend This Is Why

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If French People Had Trouble Getting Cocaine This Weekend This Is Why

Authorities say they made the largest cocaine bust in French history last week when they seized more than a $105 million from smugglers, ruining someone’s weekend for sure.

CNN reports French customs officials noticed the hardly-unobtrusive two tons of cocaine when they boarded a sailboat “falsely flying an American flag” off the coast of Martinique Wednesday.

The giant haul reportedly accounts for more than a third of the total drug seizures made by French authorities over the last year.

According to TIME, at least three people were arrested during the drug raid, and somewhere in a French-Caribbean discotheque, the sweaty screams of “J’ADORE CETTE CHANSON!!!!!!!!!” faded away into the balmy night.

[image via Shutterstock]


Contact the author of this post at gabrielle@gawker.com

This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

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This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

Amazing Amy Pascal is a treasure. She is a camp goddess who should become a legendary drag icon. You hear me, queens? Put DOWN that chunky blonde Sia wig and slip into the fiery Medusa curls of Amazing Amy, Earth Mother and Destroyer. Lo, it is Amazing Amy who destroyed the Jobs movie; it is Amy who offered her bountiful teat to succor a wounded George Clooney after his statue movie tanked.

But alas, as Amazing as Amy is, she is also mortal. A human. She was brought down by a group of JEALOUS and BASIC hackers for doing what we all do on email—saying bitchy things about our co-workers, snarking on Adam Driver, and complaining about going to another “ ducking” meeting. Nevertheless, Amy’s amazingness lives on, thanks to wispy blonde Julian Assange, who has put the entire archived Sony leak online.

This includes all of Amazing Amy’s Amazon orders. Amy is our Gwyneth, and this our GOOP. We now present to you Amy’s punishing but necessary beauty regime:

‘Hair Down There’ Pubic Hair Dye: $14.99, Color: Brown Betty

This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

Amy will not be pressured by you and your bare porno-fied American Apparel air-brushed puss! She will keep her (lightly graying) chach bush! For hers is the robe that adorns the seat of power.

Andrea Extra Strength Body Hair Bleach, $.96

This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

Hair—the maintenance, the coloring and the bleaching of it—is a primary Amy concern. She and Scott Rudin exchanged feverish emails regarding Angelina Jolie wigs in the never-to-be-made Cleopatra, were clearly a subconscious expression of a profoundly tonsorial complex. Deeper in her archives reveal are a dozen products Amy uses to control her curl and frizz, such as:

This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

We all have our thing. Amy’s is her powerful gypsy curls.

Dr. Hauschka Blackthorn Toning Body Oil, $26.99

This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

Amy takes the thorns of the earth and she puts them on her face to make her beautiful. She exfoliates with gravel. She uses radium for her blush and black keystone oil for her eyeliner. Her power is strong and savage. Amy gets free shipping.

Mr. Bubble Fizzy Bubble Bath Bomb, Tray of 12, $18.00

This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

The lady does not fuck around when it comes to bubble baths. None of that Evelyn and Crabtree toilette scrub for her. It’s Mr. Bubble or you can get fucked.

A George Clooney Endorsed Cleanse by Dr. Christian Renna

This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

Within the trove of Amazing Amy emails is a request she once emailed George Clooney, asking him to recommend a doctor/nutritionist. Clooney, whose email is batmansenior at mac dot com (!!!!), said that he and his producing partner, Grant Heslov, swear by Dr. Christian Renna. Amy asks Heslov, “Will he make me skinny and beautiful?” Heslov assures that Renna will.

But Amy’s hopes are dashed when Renna won’t see her for months. “I’m so desperate to get started with my new life. I’m sad he can’t see me,” Amy bemoans to Heslov. He says that “GC” will get her to the top of the list. Batman Senior comes through: Dr. Renna will see Amy in a few weeks. Amy’s hope is restored anew. When she is put on a cleanse, Amy becomes very hungry and emails George Clooney to complain.

Amy: ... And I’m starving

Clooney: Me too. I have to fit into an Armani tux in a few weeks.

(Which is the most annoyingly Clooney-esque thing to say to a woman who is no longer masticating.)

Amy faces her first hurdle when Dr. Renna puts on a shake diet. She writes to her assistant:

These shakes are making me nervous and I miss my pancakes I really need to ask about sugarless gum and diet drinks and do I have to have stevia>

Instead of Splenda>

I also wish I could take whatever it is in the shakes in pill form instead of these shakes which are ao sweet and disgusting and also have things in them not on program and last night I has a shake after dinner which started a binge which turned into cheese and salami and m and ms

Amy misses her pancakes.

“On-the-Go-Wippettes” for your chach, $4.24

This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

What does your snizz smell like at the end of a hard day of Leaning In and reading Cameron Crowe’s shitty scripts? Like a lavender meadow? Probably not! Amy needs to be fresh. Amy needs to be free. Maybe one of these smells like pancakes.

La Mer Creme de La Mer, $147.99

This Is Amazing Amy Pascal's Cheap, Crotch-Intensive Beauty Regimen

Amy is born from the sea. Her womb carries a nutrient-rich miracle broth. She menstruates Creme De Le Mer. This is her diva cup.

Top photo via Getty.


Contact the author at natasha.vargas-cooper@jezebel.com.

Agoraphobic Grandma Finally Leaves Home, Immediately Falls Down Manhole

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Agoraphobic Grandma Finally Leaves Home, Immediately Falls Down Manhole

After nearly a decade indoors, agoraphobic grandmother Janet Faal had finally worked up the courage to leave her home and brave the world outside. Her reward? Two black eyes, a broken leg, and a fall down an open manhole.

Apparently, Janet’s debilitating fear of open spaces had kept her from leaving her home all but twice in a span of 10 years, but she was finally beginning to conquer her fears. Then, on a recent excursion with a friend as part of her rehabilitation, Janet went to move a wooden pallet blocking the car’s path. Unfortunately, Janet never looked to see what the pallet was covering, and accidentally stepped straight into the now-open manhole. As Janet told The Daily Mail:

I took a step over - never in my life did I think there was a hole underneath, I thought it had just fallen over. The next thing I remember is the pain. It was awful.

I fell and smashed my face on the pallet, and I was in the hole with blood all over me and I couldn’t move.’

Janet believes the incident has set her agoraphobia recovery process back years—and even fears she may never leave her home again. Which is understandable considering she had to “wait in agony” for almost an hour before the paramedics arrived.

On the one hand, Janet’s at least lucky to be alive, considering that people have died in similar incidents before. On the other—damn, Janet. [The Daily Mail]

Image via Shutterstock.



Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.

Semi-Pro Soccer Player Fired for Fucking in the Dugout While in Uniform

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Semi-Pro Soccer Player Fired for Fucking in the Dugout While in Uniform

Jay Hart, a striker for semi-pro British soccer team Clitheroe, was cut from the squad after he was caught on video having sex with a fan in the dugout while still wearing his team warmups, the Mirror reports. The incident took place after an away game versus Mossley AFC. Every detail reported is more embarrassing than the last:

Clitheroe lost the game 4-1, making Hart a losing player banging a supporter in the opponent’s stadium. On Ladies Night, a promotion the home team had been running to encourage more female fans to attend.

Oh, and Hart is a relationship. His girlfriend, Bryony Hibbert, who is also the mother of his two children, is not especially happy that he was caught in flagrante with an apparent rando and is now out of a job.

“Have a bit of decency for the people it’s affected. Thank god my kids are too young to read,” Hibbert wrote on the team’s Facebook page, according to the Mirror.

Hope he’s got a great excuse. Maybe something about how he regrets getting caught and he’s sorry anyone could see him?

“I’m full of regret. I’d had a couple of drinks. I was away from everyone and thought I was hidden.”

Nailed it.

After an extensive, unsuccessful search for the sex tape, all I’m able to bring you at this time is what is purportedly the sound of Jay Hart banging a fan in an opposing team’s dugout for 17 seconds.

And this photo, to give you a sex face to go with all that heavy breathing:

Semi-Pro Soccer Player Fired for Fucking in the Dugout While in Uniform

Any more than that should be unnecessary, but if you happen to be part of one of the British WhatsApp circles where the video has reportedly been circulating, please send it to us. tips@gawker.com.

[h/t Screamer, Photo: Jay Hart/Twitter]

Ariana Grande and Big Sean Have Finally Freed Us From Their Grasp

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Ariana Grande and Big Sean Have Finally Freed Us From Their Grasp

Ariana Grande and Big Sean, one of the most disturbing couples on Earth, have mercifully ended their relationship after eight months, reps for both artists confirmed to Us Weekly.

Here is the joint statement provided to the magazine, as well as an additional quote that Us says came from an “insider.”

“They both deeply care for each other and remain close friends,” their reps tell Us in a joint statement. “We kindly ask that the media respect their wish for privacy regarding this personal matter at this time.”

Insiders close to the two say they very quietly and amicably ended their relationship a few weeks ago. “They made the decision to part ways because their conflicting touring schedules would keep them apart over the next year,” one source tells Us.

After a fairy tale start of holding hands and going skiing together, the relationship between the two appeared to have hit some bumps. There was that controversy over Justin Bieber hugging Grande on stage one night, though it’s hard to figure out if that incident went beyond Twitter memes. Then this past weekend Grande’s dad told Big Sean on Instagram not to have sex with his daughter, but they appear to already have been broken up by then so who knows. (Telling Big Sean not to have sex with anybody is generally sound advice, regardless.)

We wish both parties success in finding a relationship that doesn’t look like the outcome of a failed To Catch a Predator sting.

[image via Getty]

The Gawker Guide to This Year's Pulitzer Prizes

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The Gawker Guide to This Year's Pulitzer Prizes

The Pulitzer Prizes were announced today! They are still journalism’s most prestigious prize, even though you can win the same amount of money ($10,000) on an episode of Chopped.

Let’s take a look at the winners

Public Service Reporting: The Post and Courier, Charleston, SC, “for ‘Till Death Do Us Part,’ a riveting series that probed why South Carolina is among the deadliest states in the union for women and put the issue of what to do about it on the state’s agenda.”

Love it!

Breaking News Reporting: Seattle Times,for its digital account of a landslide that killed 43 people and the impressive follow-up reporting that explored whether the calamity could have been avoided.”

It was good landslide journalism.

Investigative Reporting: shared between The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal.

Very odd for a prize to go to the WSJ! The Pulitzer committee is notoriously anti-Murdoch. But sharing the prize means it doesn’t really count as a win, so this award is actually an insult.

Explanatory Reporting: “Awarded to Zachary R. Mider of Bloomberg News for a painstaking, clear and entertaining explanation of how so many U.S. corporations dodge taxes and why lawmakers and regulators have a hard time stopping them.”

This is Bloomberg News’ first Pulitzer. Congratulations, Bloomberg. The explanatory reporting you provided certainly does sound... painstaking.

////Gonna skip ahead a few...////

National Reporting: Carol Leonnig at The Washington Post for her juicy “the-secret-service-is-very-fucked-up-and-loves-hookers” stories. Also inspirational for the j-school students in the house: she won despite this series having some notable and heavy clarifications appended.

International Reporting: The New York Times for their ebola coverage, with stories by the genius Sheri Fink. The Times also won the Pulitzer in the feature photography category for Daniel Berehulak’s photos of the ebola outbreak. The Times won a total of three Pulitzers this year, up from two last year (which were only for photography. Yuck). Good job, Dean, you picked up right where Jill left off.

Also some books and music won but who gives a shit.

Stray Observations

This was the first year that magazines were allowed to submit entries. No magazines won. Also excluded from the winners: Websites, namely Buzzfeed, which definitely entered 17,000 pieces for consideration, minus the four pieces that were deleted after they were submitted. Oops! (Gawker does not enter blog posts for Pulitzer consideration. If an employee at Gawker wants t0 be awarded $10,000, he or she will go on Chopped.) Seems weird to me that no reporting re: Ferguson won, but I guess the media did fuck that one up pretty bad!

Tweets

:musicnote: Lord almighty, I feel my temperature rising... :musicnote:

Today is a good day to detect who on Twitter is a nerd IRL

God journalism is so boring

Wrong Pulitzer lady...

This has been your Putlizers roundup. See you next year!

Dean Frank L. Mott, right, of the Missouri University Journalism School, presents the medal of honor to Joseph Pulitzer, president of the Pulitzer Publishing Company and publisher of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, May 9, 1947, in Columbia, Missouri. (AP Photo/William P. Straeter)


Contact the author at leah@gawker.com.


Tornadoes Possible Today Around Atlanta, Washington D.C., and Philly

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Tornadoes Possible Today Around Atlanta, Washington D.C., and Philly

Today will be a pretty interesting weather day across some of the most heavily-populated sections of the East Coast, as there’s a heightened risk for large hail, damaging winds, and tornadoes in major cities like Atlanta, Charlotte, D.C., Baltimore, and Philadelphia. Here’s what you need to know to stay safe.

The three-dimensional radar image above shows a powerful tornado-warned supercell just north of Atlanta, Georgia, as it dumped golf-ball-size hail along the city’s northern suburbs around 2:15 PM EDT. There was some wind damage, but no reports of tornadoes with this particular storm as of the publication of this post.

Watches

Tornadoes Possible Today Around Atlanta, Washington D.C., and Philly

The above map shows severe thunderstorm and tornado watches as of 3:30 PM EDT. The number and location of watches will shift and evolve throughout the day as the risk for severe weather grows and dissipates in different areas. The counties shaded in red are under a tornado watch, while the counties shaded in blue are under a severe thunderstorm watch. The watches are in effect until the storms move out or the threat diminishes—whichever comes first.

You can keep up with the latest watches by checking the Storm Prediction Center’s website; warnings for individual thunderstorms are handled by your local National Weather Service office.

While we’re focusing here mostly on the severe weather happening from Georgia through Pennsylvania, there are also some pretty hefty thunderstorms firing up over Florida. Severe thunderstorm watches cover most of the peninsula this afternoon, as storms bring the risk for large hail and damaging winds. An isolated tornado or two can’t be ruled out in areas where storms interact with sea breezes or boundaries from previous storms.

The Risk

Tornadoes Possible Today Around Atlanta, Washington D.C., and Philly

The Storm Prediction Center has issued an enhanced risk for severe weather across most of the Mid-Atlantic region, which means today’s risk for severe thunderstorms is a three on a scale from zero to five. The upgrade from the always-common “slight risk” is due to the 30% probability of damaging winds in excess of 60 MPH and hail the size of quarters or larger within 25 miles of any point in the enhanced risk area.

The enhanced risk just shows the area where the most widespread risk for severe thunderstorms exists—areas in the marginal and slight risk zones have to pay attention to the weather today, as well.

Tornadoes

Tornadoes Possible Today Around Atlanta, Washington D.C., and Philly

Large hail and damaging winds are always dangerous, especially if you’re caught outside or in your vehicle when a storm approaches, but the threat that makes people hyperventilate the most is tornadoes.

The above map shows the risk for tornadoes today as forecast by the Storm Prediction Center in their afternoon update. A 5% risk for tornadoes exists across the I-85 corridor between Atlanta and Charlotte—this means that there’s at least a 5% probability of seeing at least one tornado within 25 miles of any point within the shaded area. That seems like it’s low, but the climatological risk for tornadoes in this region on April 20th is about 0.30%. Any tornadoes that develop should be on the weaker side, but even the smallest EF-0 tornado is life-threatening if you’re in its path.

Folks who live near the Mason-Dixon line should pay a little closer attention to the threat for tornadoes. There’s a stationary front sitting along a line stretching from just south of State College, Pennsylvania, southeast through Philadelphia and extreme southern New Jersey, and any thunderstorms that form along or near this boundary have an increased risk of producing tornadoes. The shifting winds around a stationary or warm front make these features a common focus for tornado activity.

As always, make sure you’re never more than a few hundred feet from safety on a severe weather day. Don’t park under an overpass during a hailstorm. Keep an eye on the radar so you know what’s coming and you’re not scrambling to take action if a severe thunderstorm or tornado warnings is issued.

[Images: Gibson Ridge, GREarth, author]


You can follow the author on Twitter or send him an email.

Is Germany Really The Heart Of America's Drone War?

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Is Germany Really The Heart Of America's Drone War?

When it comes to the drone war or NSA or the “U.S. war machine,” Germany is no more important to our interests than Belgium or Qatar or Guam. It isn’t even a front-line nation anymore, and our spying on the government there isn’t unique or in any way special. There are all sorts of spooky things happening on German soil—spooky, at least, to the public at large—but what’s going on there is not some devious Americanische Fritzkrieg.

But you wouldn’t know it from the various stories that journalists have teased out from the Edward Snowden documents, nor from Friday’s article in the Intercept (which was working in concert with Der Spiegel). Beneath a beautiful and exquisitely au courant “Game of Drones:” illustration, a headline blares, “Germany is the Tell-Tale Heart of America’s Drone War”.

Like much of the coverage of the Snowden revelations about the NSA’s supposedly buccaneering efforts in Germany, the story, which is sourced not to the Snowden documents but to someone “with knowledge of the U.S. government’s drone program,” created the impression of hyperactive U.S. intelligence activity within the country. That characterization doesn’t hold up when you compare what’s happening in Germany today with what happened in the immediate frenzy after 9/11, to say nothing of what happened during the Cold War. In fact, profound technological changes have so altered the geography of spying since the mid-1990s that the very premise of Germany’s centrality to our never ending war on terror—and thus of its victimization at the hands of a hulking U.S. spook apparatus—is wrong.

As a defeated nation, Atomrampe of the nuclear era (where more nuclear weapons were deployed overseas than any other nation) and 50-year home of the occupying army, Germany is host to the largest permanent American overseas military presence, a position, despite significant and ongoing reductions since the Cold War, that will continue well into the upcoming decades. This status is a direct legacy of the Second World War, as evidenced by the fact that the No. 2 country today in terms of permanent U.S. military presence (troops and civilian personnel) is Japan, and the No. 3 is Italy.

Germany is at the center of Europe, economically and geographically, of course, but also in terms of communications, transportation, etc. So, yes, it has drone and intelligence hubs at Ramstein, Darmstadt, and Wiesbaden, and important headquarters in Stuttgart—both for U.S. European Command (EUCOM) and the newer U.S. Africa Command (AFRICOM), as well as the various subordinate headquarters of both commands. But these locations pre-date 9/11; even Africa Command, created after 9/11, is in Germany because, before its establishment, responsibility for the African continent south of the Sahara rested with the U.S. command in Stuttgart—an out-of-NATO responsibility that once seemed to have little consequence. And Germany hosts the CIA’s largest European base not because of a station focused on spying on Germany, but because Frankfurt is the logistical and transportation center for Europe and the Middle East.

The German media can report on the “role” of Germany in secret prisons, renditions, targeted killing, but despite the country’s magnificent military infrastructure, none of these things ever directly ended up on German soil. Poland, Romania, Bulgaria, Lithuania—all more opaque countries with far less power—became the hosts of post-9/11 CIA activities. When long-range drones themselves were flown out of Europe at all, they were based in Italy and Turkey (where a significant communications infrastructure had to be built), rather than in Germany.

One could say that either Germany lost out or lucked out. Yet that presence has been profoundly updated and changed in ways that Snowden and the post-Snowden media have failed to convey.

Most interesting today is that those various headquarters and intelligence hubs outnumber combat units left on German soil. The American military presence has not just declined but also shifted significantly. The number of civilians working for the U.S. national security establishment in Germany outnumbers soldiers in uniform by a ratio of five to one, according to numbers I’ve compiled from budget documents and queries with the Defense Department.

Number in Germany

U.S. Military Army

38,000

Other

6,200

U.S. Army Civilian Employees

8,100

Local Nationals (German employees of U.S. forces)

10,000

Direct Contractors

5,400

Other Defense Department and U.S. Government Civilians

17,400

Families of U.S. Military Personnel

66,000

Families of Others

12,000

Total

163,100

Military Retirees and their Families

28,000

Grand Total

191,000

Retirees and families of U.S. military and civilian personnel (what the military calls “dependents”) number twice as many as soldiers.

Those operational command centers (in Ramstein, Stuttgart, and Darmstadt/Wiesbaden) certainly perform all of the functions associated with the new war against terror: planning, intelligence analysis, targeting, and direction. It is not just Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, or Yemen, or even the drone war. If an al Qaeda terrorist is killed in Algeria, the order probably came from (or went through) Germany.

But while Chancellor Angela Merkel and other German politicians say in public that friends shouldn’t spy on friends, of course there are private conversations being had, sotto voce. Nothing is going on inside the American bases that contradicts German policy; nothing there happens without German knowledge. That is, not without the knowledge of “certain” Germans in the national security establishment, people are the equivalents of the invisible CIA and NSA executives from America.

But the global intelligence machine has also changed. It’s largely shaken free of its terrestrial moorings and taken up residence, like so much else, in the cloud. The U.S. headquarters for Africa can be in Germany (and the U.S. headquarters for the Middle East can be in Florida) precisely because of modern networks and what we commonly call globalization. They can be anywhere. Optimum? No. AFRICOM is in Stuttgart because there isn’t an attractive place in Africa for thousands of Americans and their families. But the German address is merely an artifact of the pre-9/11 days when Africa south of the Sahara fell within European Command’s bailiwick.

And there is a second issue associated with the cloud, what with the growth of the Internet and IP-based communications, which has supplanted radio and landline wired communications: There are no longer any geographical constraints on where signals intelligence is collected from (even where imagery is collected from). It used to be that people at Teufelsberg in Berlin “listened” in on Soviet and East German conversations through their headphones; or that people in Bad Aibling had to position themselves just so to intercept satellite signals, like some 1950s dad wrestling with the antenna to get a reception on the family Philco set.

But these days, the locus of signal collection is increasingly geography-agnostic. In Der Spiegel, ignorant journalists have written that what goes on in Darmstadt must be suspicious: The installation is so small, one article speculates “many of those working at the facility spend much of their time underground.” And yet the intelligence base Darmstadt has no underground facility and is so small not because there is some bunker lurking beneath; it is so small because much of the work now is being done by computers, and those computers are networked, and what is being collected no longer needs to be collected from Germany. Der Spiegel goes underground in search of the devil of the U.S. when it should be looking up at the gods.

Is Germany Really The Heart Of America's Drone War?

So the sad (or happy) conclusion for Germany is that it is no longer uniquely on the “front lines” of a global confrontation. There is no front line, no Fulda Gap, no Iron Curtain. This can be seen as a loss of influence and erosion of its own sovereignty, or it can be seen as an opportunity for Germany to finally take control of all aspects of its existence, both in foreign and domestic affairs. Of course we should remind ourselves that a huge part of the reason everyday Germans are in the dark about what goes on inside those American bases is because of Berlin’s fear of public displeasure and the consequent influence German popular opinion might exert.

The political “sensitivity” of Germany and U.S.-German relations reveals a hidden power that the country both has and yet seems not to want to publicly exert. Secrecy, perpetrated by the U.S.. machine and then condoned by the Germany government, denies the German people a real choice. Despite all of the post-Snowden huffing and puffing, there seems to be little new appetite for enforcing any major changes in the overall American presence.

In the end, Germany is just another pin on the global map, as solid an ally and collaborator as can possibly be in this post-Snowden world. The country seems to happily wear its own straitjacket—so strategically important and consequently the unfortunate victim of its inflated status. It is an intellectual trap though: Germany still stupidly behaves as if it is being protected by big brother, conveniently forgetting it actually could also be a military grown-up.

Clarification: This post has been updated to make clear that the Intercept story about Germany’s role in the drone program was not based on the Snowden documents.

[Top photo — An MQ-1B Predator remotely piloted aircraft passes over the air field during a training mission, May 13, 2013 (U.S. Air Force photo by 432nd Wing/432nd Air Expeditionary Wing/Released); Lower photo — U.S. Army Europe closes the final installation in Heidelberg on Sept. 6, 2013 (U.S. Army photo by Dee Crawford/Released)]

You can contact me at william.arkin@gawker.com, and follow us at @gawkerphasezero. If you are into the theater of being underground, you can anonymously deliver tips through the Gawker Media SecureDrop. I’ve got a book on drones coming out in July called Unmanned: Drones, Data and the Illusion of Perfect Warfare. I’m open to your input and your questions, tough questions.

500 Days of Kristin, Day 85: What Happens In Cabo...

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500 Days of Kristin, Day 85: What Happens In Cabo...

I’m on vacation this week. Here’s a photo of Kristin Cavallari on vacation in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, with the cast of Laguna Beach in 2005.

500 Days of Kristin, Day 85: What Happens In Cabo...

Check back tomorrow for more Kristin Cavallari vacation memories and check back periodically over the course of the next 415 days for more information about her memoir.


This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photos via Getty, MTV]

Cop Found Not Guilty in Fatal 2012 Shooting of Rekia Boyd

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Cop Found Not Guilty in Fatal 2012 Shooting of Rekia Boyd

There will be no justice for Rekia Boyd, the 22-year-old unarmed Chicago woman who was fatally shot by an off-duty cop in 2012.

On Monday, Judge Dennis Porter found Detective Dante Servin not guilty. Servin faced charges of involuntary manslaughter, reckless discharge of a firearm, and reckless conduct.

Despite Porter’s belief that Servin unloaded his firearm—which he referred to as “an intentional act”—he said prosecutors failed to prove that Servin acted with reckless intent, which must be proven when charging an individual with manslaughter. “The evidence does not support the charges on which the defendant is being tried,” the judge said.

Boyd was fatally shot on March 21, 2012 when Servin, who was off-duty at the time, approached Boyd and a group of friends near Douglas Park for being rowdy. Servin said he saw Antonio Cross reach for a gun during the conflict, and only fired because he felt his life was in danger. One of the bullets fatally struck Boyd. Police never found a weapon on Cross.

Before handing down Monday’s verdict, Judge Porter noted: “This is not a place for emotion. This is a place for reasoned decisions.”

But it was not enough to alleviate the pain and anger Boyd’s family felt after hearing his decision.

“You want me to be quiet?” Boyd’s brother yelled, before being dragged out of the Cook County courtroom. “This motherfucker killed my sister.”

[Screen shot via NBC 5 Chicago]

This Week in the War Machine – April 20, 2015

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This Week in the War Machine – April 20, 2015

There are dozens of military and intelligence exercises, war games, conferences, trade shows, and specialty conventions happening every month — both at home and abroad, from every branch of the national security world and their affiliated civilian contractors. We’ve bookmarked a select few, but by no means all, that we’re monitoring this week, and we’ll be keeping an eye out for the unusual or the absurd, the extravagant, the publicized and the secret. If you have any to add that you think are interesting, please let us know! And tell us why you think they’re interesting, because that feedback gives us a better understanding of the kind of stories you want featured on this site. One of our core missions at Phase Zero is to create a dialogue about what is happening in the world of national security, and your interest, curiosity and hypotheses are what initiate those conversations.

This week in the industry:

Exercise Balikatan 2015 in the Philippines — April 20-30, 2015.

Orca Exercise 2015 Alaska Statewide Preparedness exercise — April 20-24, 2015.

Cyber Intelligence Asia 2015 sponsored by Intelligence-Sec in partnership with the Information and Communications Technology Office, Republic of the Philippines, held in Manila, RP — April 21-24, 2015.

Counter Terror Expo supported by the Home Office, the Ministry of Defense, and Trade and Investment, but murky as to what entity is actually sponsoring it — April 21-22, 2015.

NRO Industry Day a classified, full day event sponsored by AFCEA Intelligence and the NRO, held in Chantilly, VA — April 22, 2015.

Cyber Texas sponsored by the Federal Business Council, Inc., held in San Antonio, TX — April 23-24, 2015.


Follow us at @gawkerphasezero. If you are into the theater of being underground, you can anonymously deliver tips through the Gawker Media SecureDrop.

[Screenshot from http://www.counterterrorexpo.com/]

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Today's Best Posts


Some Dummies Bought a U2 Album This Weekend and Got a Tool EP Instead

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Some Dummies Bought a U2 Album This Weekend and Got a Tool EP Instead

Why would you spend your money on a vinyl copy of U2’s Songs of Innocence? Regardless of your feelings on what I’m sure is a perfectly fine late-career U2 album, didn’t basically everyone get that record for free last year? The lunkheaded spendthrifts who stood in line to shell out for a “deluxe exclusive” version of Songs on Record Store Day and found another band’s music inside only got what was coming to them.

According to Death and Taxes, this British U2 fan was the first to point out that her copy of U2’s latest had been mixed up with music by another quartet of self-serious guitar guys: Tool, whose 1992 EP Opiate was also reissued over the weekend.

It’s unclear how many mixed-up copies went out, but at least one other London fan tweeted that she had also gotten the Tool record—from the same store as Delahunty. Consider it karmic retribution against U2 for forcing Songs of Innocence into everyone’s iTunes.


Image via AP. Contact the author at andy@gawker.com.

Bigoted Pennsylvania Teens Organize Day of Flannel-Wearing, Gay-Bashing

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Bigoted Pennsylvania Teens Organize Day of Flannel-Wearing, Gay-Bashing

Following a Day of Silence in support of bullied LGBT teens, a group of anti-gay Pittsburgh-area high schoolers decided they were entitled to a special day of their own. In honor of “Anti-Gay Day,” they drew anti-gay slogans on their hands, wore matching flannel outfits, and, allegedly, created a “lynch list” of kids who support the school’s Gay-Straight Alliance.

“Yesterday, there was pushing, posters hung on homosexual students’ lockers. Teachers were having to run out and take them down,” McGuffey High School student Zoe Johnson told WPXI on Friday.

“I got called a dyke, a faggot,” Johnson added, speaking to BuzzFeed. “They were calling us every horrible name you can think of.”

The bullying apparently didn’t stop on Friday. WPXI reported the anti-gay clique plans to extend “anti-gay day” into a full week of harassment, with a different color for each day.

“Flannel anti-gay day only a few of many tomorrow is red day,” a student wrote on Instagram.

The rumor of a “lynch list” of gay kids to target also made it into the WPXI report, presumably because Johnson told the station about it. The school district says nobody who’s come forward so far has actually seen the list.

Dr. Erica Kolat, the superintendent of the McGuffey School District, issued this statement to BuzzFeed:

On Thursday, April 16, 2015, allegations of harassment were brought to administration’s attention following the McGuffey High School Gay-Straight Alliance Club’s observance of GLSEN’s “Day of Silence.” Administration and school police officers have been investigating all allegations and continue to do so.

At this time, no witnesses have seen the rumored “lynch list” that was mentioned in previous news reports. Additionally, no statements have included physical harassment.

Our investigation is ongoing, and we encourage anyone with information to contact McGuffey School District administration immediately.

Johnson also claimed the anti-gay group had been posting Bible verses on Instagram and tagging gay students, and that someone hung up a noose inside a classroom.

[h/t BuzzFeed, Photo: Austin7007/Instagram via BuzzFeed]

Cops Seek Bunch of Dicks Driving Around With a Baby Sea Lion in the Car

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Cops Seek Bunch of Dicks Driving Around With a Baby Sea Lion in the Car

Los Angeles police officers are reportedly searching for a quartet of Honda-driving California dickheads who harassed a pair of baby sea lions before stealing one off the beach and throwing it in the trunk.

Rude, but why make a federal case out of it, you ask? Because as it turns out, taking cute baby sea lions isn’t just a dick move—it’s also literally a federal offense punishable by up to a year in jail (and a real bad look when potential dates google your name.) Via the Los Angeles Times:

The witness, described as a Los Angeles resident, said he saw two men and two women in their 20s throwing trash, and at one point a concrete cinder block, at two sea lion pups at around 3 a.m. Sunday morning, police said. The pups were not injured, he told police.

The witness, who was collecting containers for recycling at the time, saw one woman wrap one of the pups in a comforter and pack the animal in the trunk of a dark-colored Honda Civic, said Lt. Lydia Leos of the Los Angeles Police Department.

Still, an animal rescue spokesperson tells reporters the dickheads might be in peril too—sea lions have notoriously strong bites and apparently carry more bacteria in their mouths than any other mammal.

[screenshot via CBS]


Contact the author of this post at gabrielle@gawker.com

Here's What Happens When Blake Lively Walks Into a Room

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Here's What Happens When Blake Lively Walks Into a Room

At the premiere party for her new film, the surprisingly earnest and satisfying romance Age of Adaline, guests roamed Manhattan’s Metropolitan Club quietly sipping champagne and brushing shoulders with famous people and not-famous people and people who looked like they could maybe be famous people. They did not, for the most part, take photos and were, for lack of a better word, chill. An hour or so later, however, those same guests (myself included) lost what little chill they had and went into a brief manic state, whipping out their handheld flashbulbs directing them at a single person. That person was Blake Lively.

Though it’s not at all surprising that an internationally famous actor slash model slash entrepreneur slash wife slash mother slash muse would elicit that amount of attention, it was quite fun to watch people turn their good manners off for a minute so they could turn their cameras on. It’s Blake Lively! Look how beautiful she is! She was on Gossip Girl! She was in the Sisterhood! Remember? She’s Ryan Reynolds’ wife! Ahhhhh no really look how beautiful she is! Her baby’s name is James! She’s friends with Anna Wintour! Look at her! Beautiful! I need to take a picture of her beauty and put it on Instagram so people know light reflected on her and bounced back to me!

Truly a moment worth preserving.


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Director Says Scientology Sent Him Spy Pretending to be a TIME Reporter 

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Director Says Scientology Sent Him Spy Pretending to be a TIME Reporter 

Paul Haggis’s angry 2009 resignation from the Church of Scientology and subsequent participation in damning exposés and documentaries earned him a permanent spot on the notoriously vengeful group’s shit list. Enough for them to try to catfish him? Wouldn’t be the strangest thing they’ve been accused of!

Haggis tells Tony Ortega he received an email on April 6 from someone purporting to be a reporter for Time magazine. But the request quickly unravelled. Via the Hollywood Reporter.

Dear Mr. Haggis,

I am writing a piece for Time Magazine on the ‘golden age’ of film. - I would very much like to interview you for the piece and include “Crash” as a example of recent film that has that beautiful cinematic ‘touch’.

Other directors participating in the film include David Lynch, Jean-Luc Godard, Francis-Ford Coppola, Sam Mendes, Darren Arronofsky and David Fincher.

This can be done over the phone or via email. My deadline for the piece is April 15th, 4pm EST.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

Mark Webber

Haggis says he forwarded the email to his staff, telling them to schedule the phone interview, when they noticed the purported author had no other credits to his name. And when the staffers went to confirm the piece with Time, an editor claimed he hadn’t assigned it and had never heard of Webber.

The Haggis team then took apart Webber’s email, digging into its hidden data, and soon were able to figure out where it had been sent from.

They found that the email had begun its journey from a computer located in Los Angeles at 5165 Fountain Avenue in a structure known as the Anthony Building — a building that the Church of Scientology owns. The church uses the Anthony for “berthing,” the housing of its Sea Org workers, who have signed billion-year contracts and have promised to do virtually anything asked of them, lifetime after lifetime. And “Webber’s” Yahoo email account had been created just a few days earlier, on April 1.

Although it’s clear the article was a bogus overture, Scientology, unsurprisingly, claims it had nothing to do with it. But Haggis says he’s fallen for it with them before.

The Crash director told Ortega that Webber’s pitch isn’t the first time the Church of Scientology has reached out to him. In an email he sent to the former Village Voice editor, Haggis recalled when Scientology previously posed an interview:

The last time this happened to me was when I was told (only after I arrived) that I had offended Tom Cruise by telling a joke to Steven Spielberg — and it was Greg Wilhere, second in charge of the church, who had me in that small room, with his back to the door, and wouldn’t let me leave until I wrote a suitably contrite letter to Tom. And Tommy Davis and staff were outside waiting. After that incident I never again agreed to an interview — unless they came to me, which they did in 2009. Nine senior executives showed up to try and persuade me to tear up my letter of resignation and leave quietly, or face the consequences.


Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

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