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Japanese Lawmaker Refuses to Stop Wearing His Signature Lucha Libre Mask to City Council Meetings

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Japanese Lawmaker Refuses to Stop Wearing His Signature Lucha Libre Mask to City Council Meetings

A municipal legislator from Japan who goes by his pro-wrestling handle "Skull Reaper A-ji" won a seat on the Oita city council fair and square, but his fellow lawmakers are refusing to allow him to attend council meetings, claiming his Lucha-libre-style mask is in violation of a rule of order prohibiting council members from wearing hats while in session.

Japanese Lawmaker Refuses to Stop Wearing His Signature Lucha Libre Mask to City Council Meetings

Skull Reaper flouted the mask ban when the council convened on Monday and was promptly restrained and removed.

"People find it easy to come up and talk to me because I have a mask on," the 44-year-old later told a local paper.

Despite being forcibly removed from the floor during the council's inaugural session, Skull Reaper says he has no plans to remove his mask anytime soon.

"If I take my mask off, I'm an entirely different person," he is quoted by the Nikkan Sports as saying. "I will not take it off."

Skull Reaper is not the first former pro-wrestler to run for public office in Japan, but others have had an easier time of it.

Super Delfin, founder of Osaka Pro Wrestling, was permitted to wear a mask in his capacity as public servant. Former assembly legislator The Great Sasuke was similarly allowed to keep his mask on.

[H/T: Arboroath via Nerdcore, screengrabs via A-ji]


What Does a Pope Do?

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What Does a Pope Do?On Wednesday, a bunch of old men vacationing in Italy selected an Argentine man named Jorge Bergoglio as America's Next Top Pope.

Bergoglio immediately accepted the position and chose new name (Francis). He changed into a white robe. He went out onto the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica and blessed everyone like they had just sneezed. He was now the leader of 1.2 billion Catholics.

"Did you hear about Jorge?" "What—he got married?" "He's the new pope."

That's cool.

What exactly is the pope's job?

Jesus can't be here, but he left his buddy who's a real cool guy and can help you with whatever you need.

Although he never had the formal title, Jesus Christ's friend Peter is generally considered the very first Pope. Catholics believe that, before ascending to heaven, Jesus chose Peter to rule over the entire Church; that power then passes down to all subsequent popes. (Popes are considered the successor not of the pope they're replacing, but of Peter himself.) As head of the Catholic Church, the pope is charge of controlling Church doctrine. He's God's spokesman.

In 1870 a Vatican Council declared that the pope's pronouncements are infallible when he is speaking on behalf of the whole Church on matters of faith or morals. So, if he releases a statement saying something like "by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, we pronounce, declare, and define it to be a divinely revealed dogma: that [X is true]," that is infallible. If the Pope observes to his private secretary that he thinks it's going to rain this afternoon, that is not. (Only one pope has used the infallibility card since it was put on the table; Pius XII declared that the Assumption of Mary was Catholic dogma in 1950.)

Infallibility doesn't mean that he's incapable of sin (though, in theory, he tries to avoid it) or magically great at math or anything.

Bishop to E-4
The pope's official title is "Bishop of Rome."* Since Rome is the seat of the Roman Catholic Church, this gives him dominion over the entire Church. As the Bishop of Rome, the Pope has "supreme, full, immediate, and universal power" over all Catholics. His duties include: providing spiritual guidance to members of the church, appointing bishops and cardinals, presiding at beatification and canonization ceremonies, writing documents that define the Catholic Church's official position on world issues, speaking with world leaders and politicians on behalf of the Church, and acting as a missionary. He could also declare a Crusade if he wanted to get into the spirit of #ThrowbackThursday.

Run Vatican City Like Diddy
The pope is also the head-of-state of Vatican City, an independent sovereign city-state located within the borders of Rome (at .2 square miles, it's the smallest country in the world). Technically, Vatican City is an independent country under the sovereignty of "The Holy See"—the pope's bishop's seat—that could exist even if the government of the Catholic church relinquished its sovereignty. That will almost certainly never happen; they've got all their stuff there already. If it did, Italy would probably just reabsorb it.

The pope periodically represents The Holy See (and, so, the Vatican) in U.N. sessions, but is unable to vote on measures because the state is a non-member observer.

As for administrative stuff, he doesn't have to hire the Vatican cops or anything. But he does appoint the guys who hire the guys who hire the cops ("the Gendarme Corps of Vatican City State").

A Day in the Life of the Pope
Like all old people, the pope rises with the sun. A normal day at the Vatican for Pope Benedict XVI began at 7 a.m. with a celebration of Mass. Much of the rest day was spent working in close contact with his private secretary/possible secret boyfriend Archbishop Georg Gänswein—like when Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott opened an inn on Tori & Dean: Inn Love.

Benedict and Gänswein would have breakfast together at 8, break for a couple hours while the pope worked privately (AKA: secret nap), then join back up for audiences and morning meetings with important people. They'd have lunch together, go for a walk together, and take a little nap at the same time (most likely not together.) The pope would get back to work around 4 (writing formal communications;=, answering correspondence, refreshing his Twitter @-replies like crazy) and continue until dinner (with Gänswein) at 7:30. 8 o'clock was TV time (just the news – boring). Then the pope would work for a couple more hours before going to bed at 11. On Wednesdays, the pope hosts a General Audience for a few thousand Catholic pilgrims visiting the Vatican. On holidays, he delivers big Masses at St. Peter's.

It's not clear exactly how Gänswein will fit into Pope Francis' new life; he will keep his job as head of the acting pope's household, but will live with Pope Emeritus Benedict. Will Gänswein have two breakfasts, two lunches, two naptimes, and two dinners? Will he split the day in half? Who gets him on holidays? Can't everything just go back to being the way it was? :(

Can any dummy off the street become pope?
Not any dummy, but a lot of dummies. The only real requirements for the man elected pope are that he be a practicing Catholic (no heretics allowed), of a certain age. What that certain age is isn't written down anywhere. Some people throw out 25 as the minimum age, since that's how old you have to be to become a priest. The New York Times spoke to a bunch of cardinals who felt the ideal candidate would be in his 60s. You also can't have a history of buying and selling positions within the church.

Generally, laymen aren't elected pope. (The last layman pope on record is Benedict IX, a rich kid who got the job by family connections, and was later accused of raping and murdering people). Popes are selected by the 120-member College of Cardinals, and those guys generally just pick someone from their group. If elected, a layman would have to first be ordained a deacon, then a priest, then a bishop before he could accept the office of the Bishop of Rome. Ain't nobody got time for that.

How long does the job last?
Even if he goes insane, becomes corrupt, or is a dick, a pope is pope until he dies or quits voluntarily. Most die.

*Technically, the full title is: Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Metropolitan Archbishop of the Province of Rome, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God. You can call him "Pope Frank" for short.

[Catholicism for Dummies / Christian Science Monitor / Slate / State.gov // Image by Jim Cooke, photo via AP.]

Here Is a Man Who Has Sexual Relationships With Balloons

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Sixty-two-year-old Julius has had a fascination with balloons since he was four. At some point, it turned sexual, which distinguishes him from the other more childlike inflatable enthusiasts we've seen on reality TV in recent months. During Julius' segments on (what else) last night's My Strange Addiction, he didn't get too specific about what goes down (and got agitated when pressed, and in the process became that much more of a character — I was waiting for steam to erupt from his ears at any moment), but he did say, "I'll take a 12-inch, and I'll inflate it to 11-inch. That way it can take a lot of abuse." So maybe it's better that he didn't get much more specific than that.

In the least warmly received coming out this show has ever seen, Julius' good friend asked if his wife gets jealous. Of balloons. That's where his life is. Julius said his wife didn't think much of it, however, she refused to participate in the filming of the show. That's shade.

Here's a fun game: Squint your eyes and pretend that this is Paul Giamatti playing a character.

The other person profiled was a real hoot: 40-year-old Natasha eats about a jar's worth of clay facial mask powder a day. As usual, her opening description of her "addiction" sounded like an ode:

"Mmmm" by Natasha

It tastes wonderful
Like wet rocks
And it always comforts me.
Mmmm.
I kinda go into a zone
And savor
That flavor
Of that
Earthiness.
Mmmm.

Natasha said it was love at first lick. She described her first experience with eating clay masks as "instant gold...instant gold." She sometimes dips chips into the mask powder. She sometimes enjoys them with a beer. "I have exquisite taste buds," she told her friend who then scoffed Natasha for eating dirt with beer. "No. It's clay and a lager," corrected Natasha. When you put it that way, it does sound kind of refined...

Who Should Be The New Face of Twinkies?

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Who Should Be The New Face of Twinkies?After a brief and panic-inducing sabbatical, Twinkies are coming back, now that investors have scooped them up from the dying Hostess corporation. The big question now: who can be trusted to represent this storied American chemical product?

Names being floated by the new owner include Zach Galifianakis and "the cast of 'Duck Dynasty.'" Uhhhhhh, people with beards clearly should not eat Twinkies due to the dangers of Creme Crumb Syndrome. The new owner needs some new ideas. And America needs a new hero.

WHO SHOULD BE "THE FACE OF TWINKIES?"

1. George W. Bush: Everyone wins. George gets a job, his family gets him out of the house, America gets to keep him occupied with something he's good at. There is no downside.

2. Blowfly: Probably already has some lyrics involving Twinkies. Will accept Twinkies as payment.

3. George Washington: "What does the father of his country eat when he works up an appetite from securing our freedoms and such?" *Camera cuts to team of assistants hanging off Mount Rushmore by ropes shoveling handfuls of Twinkies into the carved 'mouth' of Washington's rocky visage* "Twinkies. That's what... I'm being told legal has not cleared this spot."

4. Popular Bollywood Actress Shilpa Shetty: "Shilpa Shetty has had some exposure outside of India, most notably on the British edition of reality TV atrocity Big Brother, where she was the victim of some cruel racial slurs. If you needed any more proof that racism is wrong, there it is." A product with a message.

5. A bloated corpse: The typical end-stage Twinkies consumer.

Add YOUR suggestions in the Kinja™-brand discussion section below.

[Photo: Getty]

Hostage Taker Lets His Captives Go After Police Meet His Only Demand: Pizza and Sprite

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Hostage Taker Lets His Captives Go After Police Meet His Only Demand: Pizza and Sprite

Police in the Russian city of Astrakhan spent several hours in intense negotiations with a hostage taker who claimed to have a gun and a box full of explosives.

The unidentified man, said to a 25-year-old resident of Astrakhan, entered a classroom at a local college this morning and released everyone inside save for two students, two teachers, and a security guard. One of the teachers was released during the standoff for unspecified reasons.

Negotiators who arrived at the scene were surprised to learn that the man only wanted two things in exchange for the captive's guaranteed safety: Pizza and a bottle of Sprite.

After the food items were delivered to him, the man released all of the hostages unharmed and was subsequently arrested.

It was later determined that the man's "pistol" was just a toy gun, and the "box of explosives" contained a dummy.

The suspect's girlfriend, a student at the school where the incident took place, was also arrested. Police believe she may have been an accomplice to the crime.

[H/T: Geekosystem, image via GA Fire Gear]

Newly Discovered Robert Louis Stevenson Essay Shows He Was a Grump

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Newly Discovered Robert Louis Stevenson Essay Shows He Was a Grump A recently uncovered essay by Robert Louis Stevenson, author of Treasure Island, the Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and other things on your fifth grade summer reading list, shows that the Scottish writer was kind of a curmudgeon when it came to his contemporaries. Basically, he thought they were such a drag.

Of Victorian era writing, Stevenson says:

"In the trash that I have no doubt you generally read, a vast number of people will probably get shot and stabbed and drowned; and you have only a very slight excitement for your money."

The essay was published in Michigan-based quarterly, the Strand Magazine, on Friday. The managing editor of the Strand, Andrew Gulli, says this is part of a larger criticism titled: "Books and Reading." The first part was auctioned off in 1914 and never seen again. This section, the second part, was discovered very recently at the library at Syracuse University. Gulli supposes that Stevenson penned this essay in 1881, while he was writing Treasure Island, published in 1883.

Stevenson is preoccupied by heady questions of how best to capture reality through writing. Maybe a hint of foresight regarding the modernist era of literature? He writes that the main fault in literature was that any storyteller attempting to capture his audience will leave "all the dullness out." But while his contemporary writers featured lots of exciting exploits, they could not carry them off in a way that seemed present or real.

Stevenson considered how especially in stories about the ostensibly thrilling lives of pirates, writers tend to only concentrate on swashbuckling excitement on the high seas: 

"If you read a true account of these rogues you would be thunderstruck. Again and again they try to cross the Atlantic – what hundreds of decent, respectable merchant skippers do successfully every month – and again and again they lose their way, cannot find the trade-winds, and, from sheer block-headedness, suffer the last extremities of thirst and hunger."

The redundancies of the life of a pirate, it's the "the pirate story people quietly leave out; because … it would not go down with the reader." Well... in a way maybe he's just guarding himself against future claims by kids that despite the cool parrot pet, Treasure Island is boring as hell.

[AP, image via Getty]

Congratulations to the NYPD on Its 5 Millionth Stop and Frisk!

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Congratulations to the NYPD on Its 5 Millionth Stop and Frisk!Today the New York City Police Department, under the leadership of Commissioner Ray Kelly and Mayor Michael Bloomberg, will conduct its five millionth stop-and-frisk procedure, according to a data analysis from the New York Civil Liberties Union.

For more than a decade now it's been customary for New York cops to stop people in the streets without reasonable suspicion, pat them down, and search their belongings, occasionally threatening to break the citizens' arms in the process. Despite the fact that many civil-liberties activists have pointed out that stop and frisk does little to deter crime, and despite the fact that 88 percent of stop-and-frisk victims turn out to be innocent, the NYPD has pushed forth with the controversial tactic.

And would you believe that 86 percent of people detained for stop and frisks are black or Latino?

Back in 2000, a man stood before the New York City Bar Association and lamented that, under Mayor Rudy Giuliani, the goodwill work of "community policing" in New York City had been abandoned in favor of "tough-sounding rhetoric and dubious stop-and-frisk tactics that sowed new seeds of community mistrust." That man was Ray Kelly, and two years later he'd be the NYPD's police commissioner.

As it surpasses this 5-million-person milestone on this momentous day, the NYPD has now stopped and frisked more people than the entire populations of Ireland, New Zealand, Lebanon, Costa Rica, or Uruguay. Or, if you'd like, more people than live in Jamaica and Slovenia combined. Happy 5 million, Ray!



[Image via AP]

Google Streetview Captures Public Handjob in Manchester, England

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Google Streetview Captures Public Handjob in Manchester, EnglandThis has got to be the most explicit and NSFW of all oddities discovered on Google Streetview. A prostitute giving a hand job to a "bloke" (that's British for, "prostitute customer" ) in a back alley in Manchester, which seems like a lovely town, by the way. Google took down the images soon after they were spotted by the Google Sightseeing blog, but the incident was memorialized by a troll who renamed the alley "Hand Job Alley" on Google Maps (also removed.) The wonders of crowd-sourcing.

Of course it's Streetview, so the handjob was captured at multiple angles and distances as the Streetview car cruised slowly by:

Google Streetview Captures Public Handjob in Manchester, England Google Streetview Captures Public Handjob in Manchester, England Google Streetview Captures Public Handjob in Manchester, England Google Streetview Captures Public Handjob in Manchester, England Google Streetview Captures Public Handjob in Manchester, England Google Streetview Captures Public Handjob in Manchester, England

Perhaps even better, the image inspired the proprietor of Google Maps Mania to make a map featuring a number of NSFW place names around the world, including:

  • Vagina, Russia
  • Dildo, Newfoundland
  • Cumbum, India

Google's all-seeing eye has succeeded in making cartography filthy. Imagine how many public sex acts Google Glass users will pick up.


What It Is Like to Spend 25 Years in Solitary Confinement

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What It Is Like to Spend 25 Years in Solitary ConfinementIn February of 1987, deputies were transporting inmate William R. Blake to court in Dewitt, New York, to face drug and robbery charges. Blake grabbed a deputy's gun and shot two officers, killing one. He was apprehended immediately. For the past 25 years, Blake has been in solitary confinement in a prison in upstate New York. He will not leave prison alive.

That is quite a long time to spend in solitary confinement. And Blake has written quite a powerful essay about what it is like. The essay, which is scheduled to published in the Yale Law Journal this spring, is published in full on the website of the advocacy group Solitary Watch. Blake is not a man in search of pity. But his ordeal sounds completely inhuman. A small sample:

Trying to put into words what is so unlike anything else I know or have ever experienced seems an impossible endeavor, because there is nothing even remotely like it any place else to compare it to, and nothing that will do to you on the inside what so many years in SHU has done to me. All that I am able to articulate about the world of Special Housing Unit and what it is and what it does may seem terrible to you indeed, but the reality of living in this place for a full quarter of a century is yet even more terrible, still. You would have to live it, experience it in all its aspects and the fullness of its days and struggles added up, to really appreciate and understand just how truly terrible this plight of mine has been, and how truly ugly life in the box can be at times, even for just a single day. I spent nine years in Shawangunk's box, six years in Great Meadow's, and I've been here in Elmira's SHU for four years now, and through all of this time I have never spent a single day in a Mental Health Unit cell because I attempted or threatened suicide, or for any other reason. I have thought about suicide in times past when the days had become exceedingly difficult to handle, but I'm still here. I've had some of my SHU neighbors succumb to the suicidal thoughts, though, choosing death over another day of life in the box. I have never bugged out myself, but I've known times that I had come too close. I've had neighbors who came to SHU normal men, and I've seen them leave broken and not anything resembling normal anymore. I've seen guys give up on their dreams and lose all hope in the box, but my own hopes and dreams are still alive and well inside me. The insidious workings of the SHU program have yet to get me stuck on that meandering path to internal destruction that I have seen so many of my neighbors end up on, and perhaps this is a miracle; I'd rather be dead than to lose control of my mind.

Had I known in 1987 that I would spend the next quarter-century in solitary confinement, I would have certainly killed myself. If I took a month to die and spent every minute of it in severe pain, it seems to me that on a balance that fate would still be far easier to endure than the last twenty-five years have been. If I try to imagine what kind of death, even a slow one, would be worse than twenty-five years in the box-and I have tried to imagine it-I can come up with nothing. Set me afire, pummel and bludgeon me, cut me to bits, stab me, shoot me, do what you will in the worst of ways, but none of it could come close to making me feel thing as cumulatively horrifying as what I've experienced through my years in solitary. Dying couldn't take but a short time if you or the State were to kill me; in SHU I have died a thousand internal deaths. The sum of my quarter-century's worth of suffering has been that bad.

Please do read Blake's entire essay. And consider whether this is a system of criminal justice to which you want your name attached.

[Solitary Watch via @LauritaApplez. Photo: AP]

Scientists Get Pandas in the Mood for Love by Showing Them Panda Porn

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Scientists Get Pandas in the Mood for Love by Showing Them Panda Porn

In a last-ditch effort to convince a pair of pandas to take advantage of their brief annual breeding season, scientists at China's Chengdu Research Base for Giant Panda Breeding turned to good ol' fashioned panda porn.

And it worked like a charm.

According to Xinhua, five-year-old female Colin was nearing the end of her 3-day "estrous cycle," but was refusing to copulate with her mate, Yongyong.

Colin, initially "clueless and unenthusiastic " per the South China Morning Post, finally came around once she was shown an "instructional video" featuring other pandas getting it on.

After "studying" the video with "great interest," Colin came on to Yongyong, and they proceeded to do it like animals. "There was no stopping her" after the film, a research base staffer said.

Shanghaiist points out that porn is illegal in mainland China, "but apparently exceptions can be made for...national treasures."

[photo via China News]

Photo of Man Caught Watching Porn at Work Goes Viral on Twitter

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Photo of Man Caught Watching Porn at Work Goes Viral on Twitter

When James P. of Brisbane, Australia, noticed a man engaging in some not-safe-for-work activities in the office across the way from his, he did what anyone with a cellphone and a Twitter account would do: He posted a photo of the impropriety on the Internet for all to see.

"The guy watching porn at work across the road is back," James tweeted, "doesn't realise our whole office can see him!"

Within hours the salaryman's shame was retweeted over 2,500 times, becoming the talk of Oz.

"Bet the blinds are shut tomorrow lol," remarked one Twitter user. "I doubt it, he's been doing it for ages!" James replied. "Yeah but presumably not in front of Twittworld," the user retorted. "Wonder if his boss is on Twitter?"

While a distinct possibility, it's likely the anonymous onanist won't be partaking in any more afternoon self-delights for the foreseeable future.

"Yeah, he saw us all watching him towards the end of the day," James updated his followers yesterday. "We [gave] him a round of applause, he closed his screen down."

[photo via Twitter]

A 47-Second Video About a Beautiful Friendship: Time Lapse Captures Crescent Moon and Comet

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This is a very brief video about a marvelous friendship between a Cheshire cat grin of a moon and what looks like his comet buddy chasing after him.

Really, this is just the moon doing its lunar phases thing and PANSTARRS, officially known as C/2011 L4, one of the first big comets of 2013. Photographer Dan Finnerty filmed the comet on the Verdugo Hills near Los Angeles on March 12, 2013. The sky is also showing off with some super pretty rainbow/Rothko shading.

[Wired]

A Discussion With Evgeny Morozov, Silicon Valley's Fiercest Critic

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A Discussion With Evgeny Morozov, Silicon Valley's Fiercest CriticDoes each mention of "the power of crowdsourcing" fill you with blind rage? Are you sick of geeks foisting the latest Kickstarter-funded self-tracking weight loss gadget upon you as if your main problem is a lack of awareness of just how lazy you are? Think memes are horseshit? You will love Evgeny Morozov.

Morozov is the fiercest and funniest critic of Silicon Valley's insufferableness. His salvos against Silicon Valley hype and the gurus who peddle it are exhilarating because their slick ideas have managed to seep into the highest levels of public discourse without much of a second look. His new book, To Save Everything, Click Here: The Folly of Technological Solutionism diagnoses the potent mix of near-religious fervor and lazy thinking that has made so many look to Silicon Valley to solve all of society's problems, a condition he calls "Solutionism." Morozov will be joining us at 4pm EST to answer reader questions. Please ask them below. Update 5:08 PM: Evgeny is done answering questions. Thanks for asking!

I chatted with Morozov over email about his work:

To Save Everything, Click Here attacks what you call the "solutionism" of the Silicon Valley tech elite. How is solutionism different than the boundless technological optimism that America has demonstrated pretty much since the beginning of the 20th century?

EM: "Solutionism" for me is, above all, an unthinking pursuit of perfection—by means of technology—without coming to grips with the fact that imperfection is an essential feature of liberal democracy. As I point out in the book, there have been many "solutionist" impulses in the past—lots of other authors have addressed it, albeit under different names (like "rationalism" or "high modernism," for example). What makes today different is that the overall excitement about "the Internet"—I find this concept so sickening and suffocating that I use it in scare quotes throughout the book—makes us blind to the pitfalls of solutionism and justifies many silly interventions and reform agendas. Why not do all these things—eliminate hypocrisy or crime—if "the Internet," this revolutionary technology, allows us to? 

You can see such solutionist logic that presumes the existence of problems based solely on the availability of nice and quick digital solutions in many walks of life: We have the tools to make government officials more honest and consistent, ergo hypocrisy and inconsistency are problems worth solving. Take crime. We have the means to predict crime—with "big data" and smart algorithms—and prevent it from happening, ergo eliminating crime is a problem worth solving.

But is eliminating crime really a project worth pursuing? Don't we need to be able to break laws in order to revise them? Once crimes are committed, cases reach the courts, generate debate in the media, and so forth—the very fact that crimes are allowed to happen allows us to revise the norms in question. So the inefficiency of the system—the fact that the crime rate is not zero—-is what saves us from the tyranny of conservatism and complacency that might be the outcome if we delegate crime prevention to algorithms and databases. 

Your new book was published just after the suicide and very public mourning of the young information activist Aaron Swartz, who seems to me to be the poster boy for solutionism. Swartz's ultimate dream was to literally "save the world" through applying internet logic of openness and hackability to politics. What do you make of the lionization of Aaron Swartz in the months since his death? Is it misguided?

EM: I don't think of Aaron—by the way, I met him a dozen times and we had a few very long and substantial conversations, including one on social constructivism in the work of John Searle and Bruno Latour (!)—as a "poster boy" for solutionism, at least not if we stick to the definition of "solutionism" I use above. To his credit, Aaron was one of the first to see the limitations of the "open government movement"; we had a bit of a debate about this back in early 2009—and I must say that while I initially wasn't receptive to his argument, it got me thinking and I ended up mostly agreeing with him in the end. (Here is that discussion.) I actually think that much of Lessig's much-discussed "Against Transparency" article was inspired by Aaron. 

I also found myself sitting next to Aaron at a dinner on Sept 22, 2010—two days before he bought that Acer laptop. [Which he used to download thousands of academic articles from Jstor, sparking a federal hacking case against him. -ed.] (I'm yet to write about that evening in some more detail—now is not the time). We never talked about that dinner since but I have a rough idea of the intellectual/activist context in which he made that decision to go after Jstor.

In retrospect, I think it was a pretty stupid decision and I think he soon came to realize this himself (even though he refused to talk about the case). But a "solutionist" he was not; he was more of what I call an "Internet-centrist." After all, he did believe in the existence of one singular "Internet" out there; it was sacred territory to him and he wanted to protect it—which explains much of his activism around SOPA/PIPA. Studying the role that this myth of a singular "Internet" has played in enabling some of his reform pursuits can be an interesting research project.

Speaking of timing, we're talking now right during the heart of the solutionist orgy that is South By Southwest Interactive. Have you been? And have you been following the developments from this year's SXSW?

EM: I went to SXSWi in 2011. God that was awful. I mean, I only went because my publisher wanted me to promote the book and the organizers invited me and it seemed silly not to go, especially for a relatively unknown first-time author. This is just not my cup of tea; the fewer such events I do on an annual basis, the happier I feel.

The other big aspect to solutionism is refusing to evaluate solutions to problems based on criteria other than efficiency. So we get lots of people at SXSWi preaching self-tracking and gamification as if all that mattered about those two techniques was just how effective they are about letting you know your consumption stats, or getting people to do the right thing (where right is defined as "whatever the designer wants them to do.") Well, I think this is plain silly: not all solutions are alike. 

Some problems need to be tackled at macro-, not micro-level—with reforms and regulation—and not just by arming everyone with a pedometer and a smartphone. Likewise, with gamification, getting people to do the right thing is not enough - we need to get them to do the right thing for the right reason. If we can get everyone to recycle properly or to participate in their local town hall meeting by giving them virtual rewards, should we? My answer is "probably not": the current system might be inefficient but it operates in the moral/political language—with appeals to civic duty, etc—which might disappear once we start talking about rewards, badges and market incentives. 

So what I don't like about SXSWi crowd—and TED crowd is even worse here—is the unwillingness to deeply engage with such political/ethical dimensions of their favorite toys. They are "solutionists" in a sense that, once armed with their favorite tool, they spend no time whatsoever thinking about just how deep and complex their chosen problem is. 

So some challenges need to be tackled at the level of policy. Well, at SXSW this year, Alexis Ohanian, a co-founder of Reddit and a vocal champion of a "free and open internet" declared that "we need more nerds in congress." That sounds like your worst nightmare. Could a congress filled with geeks actually be worse than the businesspeople and career politicians we have now?

EM: Here much depends on what actually is meant by "nerds." If by "nerds," we mean "experts about technology or engineering," then the question really is: Do we need more elected representatives who are not lawyers but actual field experts in, say, medicine or engineering or neuroscience for that matter? I'm sure someone has done studies on it. I'm not sure computer engineers are less of automatons than US-trained lawyers at this point. 

But "nerds in Congress" can also mean something else: a bunch of amateurs who think they can fix politics with spreadsheets or, worse, instant messaging. Those guys I don't trust. Look at the Pirate Party in Germany: the moment they got into parliament (or, more precisely, local parliaments), the German public figured out that having "nerds in parliament" might not be such a great idea: not only do they wear shorts to legislative sessions but they also don't have a very good political program beyond just "defending the Internet." In that latter case, I'm far less excited by the prospect of sending more nerds to Congress. Let's better send them to Burning Man. 

Have you received pushback from the fans and owners of the tech companies you criticize? "The internet" might not actually exist, but I know from experience that nerd rage does. I imagine you're not invited to many start-up parties.

Indeed, I'm rarely invited to start-up parties but who cares about their trinkets and apps anyway? I can't even bother to update the iOS on my iPhone for what must be eternity now. I spent two years in Palo Alto—what an awful, suffocating place for those of us who don't care about yoga, yogurts  and start-ups—and now I have moved to Cambridge, MA—which, in many respects, is like Palo Alto but a bit snarkier. At this point, my work triggers several kinds of reactions: a) some people try to co-opt me and prevent me from writing something bad about them (I believe that this is how I found my name under "friends & colleagues" in Eric Schmidt's new book—or at least its galleys) b) some people engage in debates with me, often to complain that I've mispresented their views (they are funny, those people) c) some people ignore me because they think that they are beyond criticisms or that what they are doing is too important to tolerate criticism or they think I want to steal their lunch money or bankrupt their donors/funders. 

As for "nerd rage," I believe I've been spared the pain so far. Or perhaps the most vicious trolls find my ruminations on Latour and Habermas too obtuse to read to the end and leave a comment. I'm perfectly fine with that—makes my life easy. 

Chopping Off a Dog's Balls, Auctioning Off a Friend's Belongings, and Other Questionable Advice

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Chopping Off a Dog's Balls, Auctioning Off a Friend's Belongings, and Other Questionable AdviceWelcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions (max: 200 words) to caity@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

I am helping a friend by taking his dog to the vet to get a microchip. The dog sometimes runs away, so the microchip would be a great help. I am thinking about taking advantage of the free neuter that comes along with the microchip. My friend hasn't had his dog neutered because he "just can't bring [himself] to" but I think the dog's escapist tendencies are exacerbated by balls. Not to mention unwanted pregnancies. So, as uncomfortable as being on the side of eugenics makes me feel, I think this is the right decision. Is that okay?

Thatz not okay.

"Thank you so much for taking him to get that microchi—-UM WHERE ARE MY DOG'S BALLS?"

I applaud your noble intentions here. Spaying and neutering dogs not is not only socially responsible, it can also provide health benefits like eliminating the risk of testicular cancer for males. But it's not the kind of thing you can just go ahead and do to someone's dog without their permission.

A dog's testicles aren't like his hair; once they're gone, they're gone forever. They are, in that respect, similar to the feelings of affection this friend has for you; taken for granted until the day you chop his dog's balls off in secret.

Depending on the dog's age and size, recovery time from the procedure can be anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks. Do you really think it's in an injured dog's best interests to spring him upon a shocked owner with no warning?

Well intentioned though you are, you can't bury a surprise like that inside a favor.

"I filled your car up with gas and also threw away all that stuff you had in the backseat."

"I refinanced your mortgage and also started renting out the top floor of your house. (I leased it to a cute couple but I'm pretty sure there are actually three people living there.)"

When your friend says, "I can't bring myself to neuter my dog," he doesn't mean he is physically unable to do so, otherwise he would. He means he doesn't want to neuter his dog. Since you feel passionately about this issue, find out why. Explain to your friend the benefits of neutering his dog. Emphasize that the procedure can be performed for free, because free opens up a lot of doors. With any luck, you'll be able to bring him around to the idea. (If nothing else, you'll at least know why he's so strongly against it.)

If, after this discussion, you decide conclusively that your friend is totally incapable of making responsible decisions, offer to take him out for a "peace offering" of coffee.

THEN SLIP HIM A MICKEY AND CHOP OFF HIS BALLS. That's the end of that poor decision-making line.

My old roommate allowed mutual friends to use our garage as storage about two years ago. I wasn't asked permission but we didn't need the space, so I didn't make a fuss. The roommate has since moved out yet the stuff remains. Tables, a treadmill, a couch, kitchenware and many other household items. I have contacted the owners of these items several times over the years but they have expressed zero interest in getting their stuff back. I have new roommates and we'd like to be able to park in our garage again. Is it okay to sell their stuff in a garage sale? It is okay to keep the money from these sales? Is that okay?

Thatz okay.

The big news here is that these people have already thrown their stuff away. Except, instead of illegally tossing it in the dumpster behind a Winn-Dixie like any decent friend would do, they've chosen to dispose of it in your garage.

What is the alternative to you getting rid of it? Preserving it forever as a shrine to some mutual friends? Do you plan to evaluate potential homebuyers on their curatorial abilities? ("We'll only feel comfortable selling to someone who demonstrates the proper respect for the pieces we've acquired over the years.") Will you include the treadmill in your will, leaving it to the residents of your neighborhood on the condition that it never be moved without the written consent of a direct descendant of one of the original mutual friends?

You are not bound to these people's junk forever. If you truly are one of the kindest human beings on the planet, you can let them know you've decided to reclaim your garage, and tell them to pick up their kitchenware (an old melted rubber kitchen scraper! Two forks and eleven knives!) by X date or it's getting scrapped.

Furthermore, you're damn right you're keeping the money you make from this sale. In fact (I am putting myself in charge of this operation since it has apparently floundered over the years due to gross mismanagement), I forbid you from offering them a cut of the take. Get as much money as you can and treat yourself (and your new roomies) to a celebratory candlelit dinner in your new spacious garage. Or, price everything to move and experience the natural high that comes with shouting "Treadmill for a nickel! Armoire for a nickel! Everything's a nickel!" at passersby.

And don't let people store things in your house without your permission anymore. That's how you end up with a cooler full of left hands.

Submit your "Thatz Not Okay" questions (max: 200 words) here. Source photo from Shutterstock/image by Devin Rochford.

Committed Con Artists Consume Donuts Stuffed with Razor Blades in Poorly Thought-Out Scam

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Committed Con Artists Consume Donuts Stuffed with Razor Blades in Poorly Thought-Out Scam

Two Dollar Tree employees allegedly tried to pull off a settlement scam by claiming they found razor blades stuffed inside donuts on sale at a food store in Draper, Utah.

39-year-old Carol Lee Leazer-Hardman and 35-year-old Michael Condor reportedly tried to add a touch of veracity to their short con by eating some of the blade-laced donuts themselves.

Local police say hospital X-ray showed several razor blade pieces ranging from fingernail- to thumbnail-sized inside the suspects' stomachs.

They also allegedly offered a tainted donut to a Dollar Tree co-worker who suffered minor cuts to her mouth, but was luckily able to avoid swallowing the blades.

According to Draper Police Sgt. Chad Carpenter, Leazer-Hardman and Condor called up emergency services on Wednesday to say they had found a sharp metal piece inside a donut purchased at Smith's Food Store.

Smith's was suspicious of the claim, but pulled all similar donuts off the shelf as a precaution.

Detectives investigating the allegation noticed discrepancies in the duo's story, and eventually managed to convince Condor to confess to scheming with Leazer-Hardman in an effort to cover their individual debts. "They wanted to get a settlement of some sort," Carpenter said.

The two suspects were subsequently arrested and charged with aggravated assault for injuring their co-worker, as well as suspicion of filing a false police report.

[mug shots via KUTV]


Americans Moving Exclusively to Shitholes

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Americans Moving Exclusively to ShitholesThe complete and total collapse of the global economy had at least one upside for Americans: it briefly stopped them from moving to brand new housing developments in hellish southwestern desert exurbs. Only for a few years though, alas. The great migration of Americans towards hot places their children will come to loathe is back on!

From the summer of 2011 to the summer of 2012, what was the fastest growing metro area in America? What do you think? What would you guess? LA? New York? Denver, or some shit? Try Midland, Texas. Just pack up, move on out to Midland, Texas, get a nice job in a gas field, make friends with the god damn Bush family put a deposit on a nice split-level ranch, and promptly die from petroleum-induced cancer. It's the American dream. I challenge you to find a single location on this list of the ten fastest growing metro areas that proves that Americans have any good ideas whatsoever:

1. Midland, Texas
2. Clarksville, Tenn.-Ky.
3. Crestview-Fort Walton Beach-Destin, Fla.
4. The Villages, Fla.
5. Odessa, Texas
6. Jacksonville, N.C.
7. Austin-Round Rock, Texas
8. Casper, Wyo.
9. Columbus, Ga.-Ala.
10. Manhattan, Kan.

"Austin is nice..." South by Southwest. "Destin's beaches are..." Hurricane bait. The ten fastest growing metro areas prove that Americans are just not good at picking places to move to that are not dead end small town hellholes. I hate to be blunt. I really do. But I come from North Florida, a similar once-attractive shithole. And if you do not think that, 15 years from now, there will be an entire generation of kids sucking down stolen Oxycontin in cheap areas of The Villages, drowning in angst, pining for the vitality of urbanism, then brother, I have a nice condo to sell you in Columbus, Georgia, which is conveniently located near lots of good hunting and fishing, so no one will notice when you wander out into the woods to blow your head off because you moved to Columbus, Georgia and you just can't get out of the damn place now.

The macro data taken as a whole shows that in general the big American migration to the west and southwest is back on again, which is good, because the desert scavengers can pick clean the bodies of the dead and leave only bones for future anthropologists to wonder over. "Why were they here?" they'll wonder, fingering a bleached skeleton in a bed of petrified Fritos somewhere in the parched post-global-warming western deserts. "Why did they ever come here?"

[US Census. Photo of the natural beauty of Midland, Texas: Flickr]

Some Spanish Wizard Predicted the New Pope's Name a Few Hours Before the Previous Pope Resigned

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Some Spanish Wizard Predicted the New Pope's Name a Few Hours Before the Previous Pope Resigned

In his sleep, no less.

According to a tweet sent out by Yolanda De Mena of Madrid on the morning of February 11th, her boyfriend Alejandro Rodriguez woke her up very early that same day and told her he had just had a dream about a new Pope named Francisco I.

Some Spanish Wizard Predicted the New Pope's Name a Few Hours Before the Previous Pope Resigned

A few hours later, Pope Benedict XVI resigned his post, and, two months later, a new pope named Francis I — Francisco I among Spanish speakers — was installed in his place.

De Mena's tweet began spreading around Twitter today, amassing tens of thousands of retweets in a matter of hours.

The incredible prognostication propelled Rodriguez to international fame, as several media outlets in Spanish and South America picked up on the massive "spoiler."

In between interviews, De Mena and Rodriguez have been battling a slew of Twitter users claiming they somehow made the whole thing up.

But, as The Daily Dot notes, the date is right there, and there is no way to alter a tweet once it's sent out.

Unless, of course, you're a wizard, which Rodriguez has already proven himself to be.

[H/T: BuzzFeed, photo via Twitter]

Kristen Stewart’s Mom Wanted To Cast Her Daughter as a Multiple-Rape Victim

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Kristen Stewart’s Mom Wanted To Cast Her Daughter as a Multiple-Rape VictimK-11, the directorial debut of Kristen Stewart's mom Jules Stewart, is like a weird nightmare you just woke up from, in which you went to jail, watched someone shit out a balloon full of coke, stared at No.2 pencil-drawn chola eyebrows for way too long, heard someone howl, "I want a jailhouse fuck and I want it now!" while never quite grasping why anyone is doing what they're doing, ever. And did you get buttfucked? It's too fuzzy to be sure. It's the B-est, gayest, longest episode of Oz. It's madness, borderline camp and it seems to be aiming for something as sleazily quotable as Showgirls. It can't touch those debased heights, but any movie featuring an old, effete prisoner shouting, "I ain't leavin' here without my laxative! I'm in pain, god damn it!" either knows what it's doing or at least is wise enough to stay out of its own ridiculous way.

It would have been more insane had Kristen Stewart appeared in it as planned. The actress' rising profile had her drop out to take the starring role in Snow White and the Huntsman, which creepy weirdos will surely mourn because the role of Butterfly (as assumed by Youth in Revolt's Portia Doubleday) would have required Stewart to simulate being raped repeatedly. Under her mom's watch. By the guy who was Zeus in the WWF, no less. (Kristen Stewart does make a voice cameo during a phone call.)

Here is how Us Weekly put it:

Though Jules stands by her decision to recast her daughter's original role, the filmmaker still believes that Kristen would have done the part justice. "Kristen has a dark side," she tells Us. "Kristen has the edge — thank god, right?"

Well, now we see where she got it. I can't think of a less pleasant (thus more ideal) metaphor for the stage mom/child actor dynamic.

A neo-jailsploitation yarn that's virtually threadbare, K-11 is trash. It's watchable trash that very explicitly pushes lurid buttons by being set in the gay/trans wing of the Los Angeles' Men's Central Jail and having its characters ridiculously spar over contraband drugs and turf and showers. It is "run" by prisoner Mousey, who slinks around with the advanced smuttiness of a Rock of Love girl (she's the one with the No. 2 eyebrows) and says things like, "I'm the queen and this is my kingdom. You're in my world now. Mind your manners." Jason Mews (aka Jay of Jay and Silent Bob) is a featured player.

The marketing of this movie is as curious and slipshod as the film itself. Its official site proudly displays a pull quote from The Hollywood Reporter that isn't exactly a compliment: "Like a deranged John Waters remake of The Shawshank Redemption." Also on the site is a feature that invited you to make a picture of yourself over as "a transgender Mousey," an especially tasteless and clueless version of the Dragulator. (It's probably worth noting that the actress who plays Mousey, Kate del Castillo, was born a biological woman and is not trans.)

Also to Us Weekly, Stewart highlighted a theme of her movie:

"In the dorm, there's no racial issues — they're all gay or transgender," Jules says. "That's what holds them together. So race is not an issue, which was a big message in this film...It doesn't matter what color you are, everybody is the same."

Other non-issues in K-11 include the characters' eye color, place of birth, preferred salad dressing, favorite Friday the 13th installment and whether or not they are double jointed. Egalitarianism rules.

And then, there's the practical disingenuousness with which Jules Stewart (a frequent script supervisor) regards her famous daughter's pull. To the L.A. Times, Stewart said:

"To the world, I have no name. I am 'Mama Stew' - that's what they call me, all of her zillions of fans. Or I'm Kristen's mom; I'm famous for being her mom," she said with a shrug. "Most of the female directors that are successful in this business came up through the ranks. And I'm hoping to follow in their footsteps. I have my own career. My own thing going on. And I would hate to think that it's because of my 22-year-old that I got to direct a movie."

Right, but the first line of the press release I received for this movie is: "I'm writing to introduce you to K-11, the directorial debut of Jules Stewart, the mother of Twilight Star Kristen, starring Kate Del Castillo and Goran Visnjic." In all likelihood the aforementioned profiles (both of which name Kristen in their headlines) and this very review wouldn't exist without the K-Stew connection.

Then again, making an insane B-movie about queer prisoners who fuck and fight and canoodle and rub their silicone tits alluringly in open showers is not a bad way of removing yourself from whatever you've got going on at home. K-11 is a promising start.

Justin Bieber's Hamster Is Dead

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Justin Bieber's Hamster Is DeadWhy does the universe continue to test Justin Bieber?

First, the world's most singin'-est teenager had a worst-day birthday. Then, a video of him squeaking curse words at a photographer surfaced online. Then everyone started speculating he was having a full-on breakdown.

AND THEN HIS HAMSTER DIED.

He'd given it away to a random fan after a concert four months prior, but still. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If a hamster dies four months after Justin Bieber gifts it, does that hamster still have enough swag/masculine energy/stage presence to be revered as a sexual icon for the teens of the world?

Justin Bieber appears to have acquired the hamster, a totally chill pet for a young man to have, on or around October 20, 2012. He named him "Pac," possibly after the rapper 2Pac, possibly due to a misinterpreted spelling of "patch." He promised to bring him to every meet-and-greet of his 124-stop world tour.

A week later, Justin Bieber posted a photo of Pac on the red carpet. This was followed by a shot of Pac learning the whims of his new mistress: the Open Road.

They were a dynamite pairing: the boy with the crystal voice and the rodent with the eyes like onyx. One a tiny hamster, the other: a tiny hamster. Forever would come too soon; they would be friends for a thousand lifetimes.

About a month and a half later, Justin Bieber decided that, on second thought, a month and a half with Pac was long enough. On December 12th, he gave the pet away (cage and all) to a random screaming fan outside a Jingle Ball performance in Atlanta, Georgia.

That fan, Tori McClure of Albertville Alabama, described the day she received Pac as the best of her life. She told E! News that she credited the hamster with inspiring her to pursue her dream of singing professionally.

Three months later, Pac was dead.

On Wednesday, McClure told TMZ she became worried about the hamster's health a couple weeks ago, after he began losing his hair. She took him to a veterinarian who instructed her to prepare for the end. Pac was, in her words, "like an old man."

Most hamsters live between 1 to 3 years in captivity. Pac's exact age has not been disclosed, though McClure observed to a h8r on Twitter that he "wasn't young" when Justin Bieber acquired him.

Shortly after the visit to the vet, Pac shuffled off his mortal coil. He passed quietly as most hamsters do. McClure buried him in her backyard, a location she described as "peaceful."

Justin Bieber has yet to release a statement on Pac's death, though he did imply Lindsay Lohan was a broke-ass trainwreck in a ranty Instagram post. (A few minutes later, he deleted the line about Lindsay).

[E! / TMZ // Image via Getty]

Reuters Social Media Editor Federally Indicted for Allegedly Collaborating With Anonymous

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Reuters Social Media Editor Federally Indicted for Allegedly Collaborating With Anonymous

Matthew Keys, the deputy social media editor at Reuters, was federally indicted today for allegedly conspiring with Anonymous to deface various news sites run by the Tribune Company, one of Keys's former employers. If convicted, Keys faces up to 25 years in prison and a maximum fine of $250,000.

The indictment alleges the incident occurred shortly after Keys was fired from Sacramento's local news station, KTXL, which is owned by the Tribune Company. According to the release from the Department of Justice, in December 2010, two months after his termination from KTXL, Keys gained access to an Anonymous chat room and proceeded to provide the group with passwords to Tribune's computer system:

Keys identified himself on an Internet chat forum as a former Tribune Company employee and provided members of Anonymous with a login and password to the Tribune Company server.  After providing log-in credentials, Keys allegedly encouraged the Anonymous members to disrupt the website.  According to the indictment, at least one of the computer hackers used the credentials provided by Keys to log into the Tribune Company server, and ultimately that hacker made changes to the web version of a Los Angeles Times news feature.

The indictment further alleges that Keys had a conversation with the hacker who claimed credit for the defacement of the Los Angeles Times website.  The hacker allegedly told Keys that Tribune Company system administrators had thwarted his efforts and locked him out.  Keys allegedly attempted to regain access for that hacker, and when he learned that the hacker had made changes to a Los Angeles Times page, Keys responded, "nice."

Heres a screen grab of the "hack" on the Los Angeles Times' web page, via Reddit.

Reuters Social Media Editor Federally Indicted for Allegedly Collaborating With Anonymous

Huffington Post has the full court document, but here's part of the alleged chat room conversations between Keys – screenname AESCracked – and members of Anonymous.

Reuters Social Media Editor Federally Indicted for Allegedly Collaborating With Anonymous

Keys has long been on the record about his interactions with Anonymous during that time period; shortly after Gawker published an article exposing several Anonymous chat logs – an article to which Keys provided some information – Keys addressed the issue in a post on his Tumblr, writing:

I provided Gawker with just one of dozens of logs that were taken during my two-month access to top level hackers within Anonymous. In addition to providing Gawker with one log,I provided the PBS NewsHour with a record back in December.  

I identified myself as a journalist during my interaction with the top-level Anonymous hackers and at no time did I offer said individuals any agreement of confidentiality. In fact, I asked several of them for their feelings should they be exposed. They seemed, by and large, indifferent.

But, as Ryan Broderick at Buzzfeed was the first to note, four days after that post notorious Anonymous hacker Sabu claimed Keys was involved with the defacement of the Los Angeles Times' website.

It's not clear how long Keys knew about the indictment, but it appears he knew the announcement was happening today. Gizmodo interviewed someone who reportedly spoke with Keys last night via Gchat. Here's a transcript of that conversation:

Keys: I don't even know if I have much longer here
Me: Why do you say that
Keys: Think my days are numbers
Me: ? Getting fired or going elsewhere?
Keys: Probably being let go
Me: WTF FOR
Keys: Dunno. Just a feeling I have.
Keys: Let's talk more about it when I'm not at work
Me: Don't be paranoid
Keys: I'm not being paranoid.

Keys, who had been tweeting as usual up to the announcement, went quiet for over an hour after the DOJ released their statement, before returning to Twitter to retweet two stories, one about 401k plans and the second about his own indictment.

Keys didn't reply to a request for comment. According to Politico, a spokesperson for Reuters said they were investigating the allegations; the spokesperson was also quick to point out the alleged incident occurred over a year before Keys became a Reuters employee.

UPDATE: Shortly after this post was published, Key addressed the issue via Twitter:

[Image via]

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