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Judge Declares Mistrial in Etan Patz Case After Jury Divided 11-to-1

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Judge Declares Mistrial in Etan Patz Case After Jury Divided 11-to-1

On Friday, after 18 days of jury deliberation, Justice Maxwell Wiley, the judge in the Etan Patz case, declared a mistrial. In the end, the jury was divided 11 to one. “I wanted to force people to think,” Adam Sirois, the lone holdout, told the New York Post. “Myself included.”

In 2012, Pedro Hernandez, 54, confessed—initially to police and again to prosecutors—to killing Etan Patz. The confession came 33 years after the boy’s unsolved disappearance. Defense attorneys argued that the confession was a false one exacted from a man with a low I.Q. and a personality disorder.

The New York Times reports that, on Friday, before the mistrial was declared, the jurors returned (again) to the physical description Hernandez had given of the Thompson Street passageway where he said he dumped Etan’s body:

While 11 jurors saw the passageway descriptions as bolstering Mr. Hernandez’s confession, the 12th, according to accounts provided by several people present, thought there could be an innocuous reason for the detailed memories.

“That is when we knew it was over,” said one juror, Christopher Giliberti. “He had a verdict that he wanted to reach and it was agnostic of the evidence.”

Adam Sirois, the twelfth juror who refused to convict, granted a long interview to the New York Post. “I introduced some very reasonable hypotheses,” he told the Post. “I also put in some stories like, ‘What if this could have happened?’”

“He would come up with theories that the defense didn’t even bring up,” the jury’s forewoman, Alia Dahhan, said.

“I tried to do as best I could. I was often at the white board trying to explain how this could have happened,” Sirois said, referring to the possibility of a false confession.

“People thanked me. Almost everyone thanked me, for not forcing them, but getting them to think a little differently about the case. A little bit differently about different facts, about what story could have happened, talking about other hypotheses.”

According to Sirois, after the first vote the jury was split 8-4 in favor of conviction, then 9-3, 10-2, and, on Friday, 11-1.

“I wish that I could have come up with more, said more, done more,” another juror, Jennifer O’Connor, told the Times.


Photo credit: AP Images. Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.


Bernie Madoff's Second-in-Command Dies Before Sentencing

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Bernie Madoff's Second-in-Command Dies Before Sentencing

Frank DiPascali—Bernie Madoff’s right-hand man, who federal investigators flipped as part of a plea bargain in 2009—died on Thursday of lung cancer, the New York Daily News reports. DiPascali was 58

“He was grateful to have been able to make some amends by helping the government these past few years,” his lawyer, Marc Mukasey, said. “Please respect the family’s privacy.”

DiPascali, once chief financial officer at Madoff Securities, was awaiting sentencing in Manhattan federal court on September 10th. Last year, U.S. District Judge Laura Taylor Swain described him as a “glib storyteller and an admitted and convicted perjurer.”

“Did you consider yourself to be pretty good at fooling people?” a defense lawyer asked DiPascali at one point, during trial. “Yes,” DiPascali said.


Image via ABC News. Contact the author of this post: brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

“Even as more states embrace legal marijuana, shops say they are being forced to pay crippling feder

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“Even as more states embrace legal marijuana, shops say they are being forced to pay crippling federal income taxes because of a decades-old law aimed at preventing drug dealers from claiming their smuggling costs and couriers as business expenses on their tax returns.” Taxman harshing your mellow? You’re not alone.

Florida Principal Caught in Car With Weed, Student, Unbuttoned Shirt

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Florida Principal Caught in Car With Weed, Student, Unbuttoned Shirt

A high school principal was arrested in Florida on Wednesday after police discovered her partially undressed in a car with a student and marijuana, The NY Daily News reports.

Officers say they approached the vehicle after an “unsure” caller reported seeing “people in the back seat engaged in some sort of sexual activity or being attacked.” From WFLA:

When a sergeant knocked on the door, [45-year-old Krista] Morton, who has wings tattooed on her lower back, opened it and immediately said, “We’re just friends,” according to police. Morton’s shirt was unbuttoned, exposing her shoulders and part of her chest, the police department said.

Morton told police she didn’t know the male in the car. “She continued to tell me that she had just met him, that she was lonely, she had just picked him up down the street and brought him here to get to know him,” police said.

According to authorities, however, Morton’s 18-year-old “friend” eventually admitted she was his principal.

Smelling marijuana, the officer searched the car, finding both marijuana and drug paraphernalia. Morton reportedly refused to say whether she had been smoking marijuana, “but did tell police that marijuana had been smoked.” Both Morton and the student were then arrested on possession charges.

School officials say Morton has since been suspended from her position with Mavericks in Education, a for-profit charter school chain founded by Frank Biden, brother of Vice President Joe Biden.

[Image via North Palm Beach Police]

In Which We Learn Kanye Can Smile When He Thinks No One Is Watching

Man Accused of Trying to Murder His Wife With a Defective Parachute

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Man Accused of Trying to Murder His Wife With a Defective Parachute

Police say a British army sergeant intentionally sabotaged his wife’s parachute and back-up parachute before a skydiving excursion last month—but not very well: she miraculously survived the fall with only a few dozen broken bones.

Victoria Cilliers, 39, was an experienced skydiver who had recently separated from her husband, Emile Cilliers, the Telegraph reports.

Vital parts of the parachute known as slinks were found to be missing after the incident at Netheravon airfield on Salisbury Plain, Wiltshire. The slinks, or soft links, connect the canopy to the parachute harness, but were found to be missing from the parachutes. Without them a parachute cannot function properly.

Police have said it was a miracle Mrs Cilliers survived. The experienced skydiver jumped from a Cessna Caravan light aircraft at 4,000ft and deployed her first parachute at 3,000ft. Sections did not unfold and she was sent into a spin, known as “going down the plughole”.

She pulled her reserve chute, but that also malfunctioned. She was able to slow her descent and avoid a road, but still hit a field at an estimated 30mph.

Police reportedly believe Cilliers, an instructor with the Royal Army Physical Training Corps, planned the whole thing out in advance—according to the Daily Mail, two sources claim Cilliers checked out an army parachute on Victoria’s behalf the day before the accident.

He’s been charged with attempted murder.


Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Flight Attendants Fail to Wrest Back Their Right to Give You a Hard Time

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Flight Attendants Fail to Wrest Back Their Right to Give You a Hard Time

A DC Court of Appeals just told the Association of Flight Attendants in no uncertain terms that their electronic device power trip is donezo.

The FAA finally did away with the completely arbitrary regulations barring electronics use in 2013, but the AFA turned around and sued the agency in a last-ditch effort to go ahead and ask you to turn that cell phone off. No, putting it in “airplane mode” on a goddamn airplane won’t work today. I’m going to need you to fully power down while I stand over you like your worst nightmare. Etc.

According to Ars Technica, the AFA didn’t even bother trying to claim their challenge was even remotely related to safety—they were just bitter they weren’t consulted before the rule change was announced.

However, the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit found that the FAA has always had the ability to change rules as it pleases. The FAA had determined that allowing phones, e-readers and other devices were within its purview.

Sad day for the self-righteous :(

[image via AP]


Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Courtney Love Allegedly Owes Insane Amount of Money to Her Psychiatrist

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Courtney Love Allegedly Owes Insane Amount of Money to Her Psychiatrist

Can you put a price on Courtney Love’s mental health? As it turns out, yes you can, and it’s astronomical.

Via Page Six, Love’s doctor is suing her, claiming she racked up $48,000 worth of therapy without bothering to pay for it—a rude habit that, if true, sounds like something you might want consult a therapist about.

Why so expensive? It’s unclear how many sessions Love defaulted on, but the therapist—Dr. Edward Ratush—reportedly offers his patients somewhat unconventional treatments:

The Rutgers University-trained psychiatrist isn’t shy about alternative therapies: He offers trans-cranial magnetic stimulation — magnetic fields that stimulate nerve cells in the brain — and is “interested” in “spiritual interventions” for addicts, according to his LinkedIn profile.

The profile also says Ratush “looks forward to his involvement in research using psychedelic drugs to treat addiction.”

So basically Courtney Love has a doctor willing to give her LSD—without paying any money! Sounds like she’s truly living her best life.

[image via AP]


Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.


Royal Drama: Saudi King Salman Giving President Obama Silent Treatment

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Royal Drama: Saudi King Salman Giving President Obama Silent Treatment

It’s like wherever Saudi King Salman goes, drama is not very far behind!

This week, the Sal-man reportedly pulled out of scheduled Camp David talks in order to express his displeasure over US-Iran relations, the New York Times reports. Sort of—he’s still reportedly planning to send a surrogate along with his passive-aggressive message.

King Salman’s decision to skip the summit meeting does not mean that the Saudis are giving up on the United States — they do not have many other options, said Karim Sadjadpour, an Iran expert at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace. “As upset as the Saudis are, they don’t really have a viable alternative strategic partnership in Moscow or Beijing,” Mr. Sadjadpour said.

Message received! But despite Salman’s frankly diva behavior, the US is apparently trying to “make the most of it”:

Jon Alterman, senior vice president at the Center for Strategic and International Studies, said King Salman’s absence was both a blessing and a snub. “It holds within it a hidden opportunity,” he said, “because senior U.S. officials will have an unusual opportunity to take the measure of Mohammed bin Salman, the very young Saudi defense minister and deputy crown prince, with whom few have any experience.”

So ultimately Salman’s public cancelation doesn’t amount to much more than a meaningless tantrum. But sometimes a king just needs to know people care!!!!!!!

[image via AP]


Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Teacher Named Fuchs Arrested For Doing That to Her Student

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Teacher Named Fuchs Arrested For Doing That to Her Student

Jessica Fuchs, a science teacher at Bainbridge Island High School in Washington state, was arrested by police last week following a two-and-a-half-month investigation into an alleged sexual relationship she had with a 16-year-old student.

Fuchs had been placed on administrative leave since February 25 after she was first accused of an inappropriate relationship with one of her students. Students at the school told KOMO they were suspicious when Fuchs “just disappeared” from her classes, and that rumors had swirled for weeks.

According to police records obtained by KIRO, Fuchs and her alleged teenage lover traded a series of texts, emails, and Snapchats that were “sexual in nature” and “detailed sexual activity.” Fuch also allegedly sent the teen a video of herself masturbating and titled the clip “ForMyBaby!”

The two were apparently discovered when Fuchs’ husband walked in on her “performing oral sex on the teenager” in their home; the teen’s mother also found incriminating Snapchats on her son’s phone.

And in an attempt to cover her tracks, police records state, Fuchs searched “how to permanently delete cellphone records” on her school computer the same day school officials were informed of her relationship with the student. She also at one point searched “Paternity Tests.”

Police also claim Fuchs tried at one point to compel the teen to lie to police, citing this text message she sent the teen:

Well protect me as best you can. Remember NOTHING COMES OUT EVER! About anything, you have been to my house only once. Lie like you have NEVER lied before and try to get your mom to side with you completely and say this was all a misunderstanding! And tell the investigator that!

Her pleas appear to have worked at first: When police first interviewed the teen, the Bainbridge Island Review reports, he denied the affair and said the Snapchats “were actually from a friend.” (He later confessed to the relationship to his mother.)

The male student allegedly involved with Fuchs is reportedly no longer enrolled at Bainbridge Island High. Fuch was charged by police with first-degree sexual misconduct with a minor and tampering with a witness.


Image via KIRO. Contact the author at aleksander@gawker.com .

Deadspin LeBron James Had To Stop David Blatt From Preventing His Game-Winner | io9 Can You Guess Wh

Courtney Stodden's Million-Dollar Masturbation Video Is Now for Charity

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Courtney Stodden's Million-Dollar Masturbation Video Is Now for Charity

Former child bride Courtney Stodden has decided to donate the $1 million dollar fee Vivid reportedly paid her for a “unique” solo sex tape to charity, she told TMZ. She’s hoping the money will help animals or kids with cancer.

Stodden, 20, briefly pretended she wasn’t going to sell the tape (that TMZ reported she was actively shopping around), even having her lawyer demand the tape back from Vivid’s Steven Hirsch last week. She also introduced a sketchy, uncorroborated backstory involving one of her best friends stealing and copying the video because “he will stop at nothing to double-cross me.”

Stodden reportedly signed the deal with Vivid over the weekend.

Acting publicly reluctant to release the sex tape you plan to get paid for is a time-honored strategy employed by other Vivid stars like Farrah Abraham, and Hollywood sex tape broker Kevin “KB” Blatt told Fox News that’s what happening here—Stodden’s deal had been locked down from the get-go.

Even if she donates the mil to charity—she claims she “doesn’t need it”—Stodden would still likely profit from the deal, which TMZ reported included some undisclosed “bonuses.” Various sites estimate her net worth at $100,000 and her much older husband Doug Hutchison’s at $3 million. (They reconciled last year after planning to divorce.)

[h/t Fox411, Photo: Courtney Stodden/Instagram]

Lenny Kravitz's Voice Echoes Throughout an Empty Hotel: American Woman (...American Woman) (...American Woman)

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Lenny Kravitz's Voice Echoes Throughout an Empty Hotel: American Woman (...American Woman) (...American Woman)

The Edition Hotel, housed in the MetLife clock tower on Madison Square Park, opens to the public tomorrow. Until that moment it will have been inhabited by only one soul; one man brave enough to walk its empty halls; one man who knows that it ain’t over ‘til it’s over; one man who refused to fly away. Of course, that man is the American Woman himself: Lenny Kravitz.

Page Six reports Kravitz “checked into an oversized luxury penthouse suite with sweeping views and a dining room with seating for 30” at the 273-room hotel one week ago. The room will, when Kravitz ends his solo haunting, rent at a rate of $8,000 per night.

According to Page Six’s source, each of the 300 members of the hotel’s staff “have been ‘on point to tend to [Lenny Kravitz’s] every request’” as part of their training for the hotel’s official opening. Has he ordered room service? Yes, he has, though Page Six notes the hotel’s restaurant has not yet opened.

Where did the room service come from, then?

Ah, certainly there are many elements of his stay that only Lenny Kravitz will have the pleasure of knowing.


Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.

Deadspin Bill Simmons Is A Shitty Writer | Gizmodo The White House’s Fence Upgrade Looks Straight Ou

The US Saved Canada from Nuclear Terror Last Month

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The US Saved Canada from Nuclear Terror Last Month

In the dark, they come in, shielded from public view by a police perimeter and an inner line of uniformed guardians. The target is reserved for the Tier I forces: They’ve practiced hundreds of times, rappelling onto the roof, banging down doors, hop-scotching down corridors, sweeping rooms. When it’s all clear, the scientists are ushered in with their detection gear and their “render safe” machines and tools. The orders are crystal clear: Do everything and anything to get to the nuke before it explodes, take no chances, shoot to kill.

Two weeks ago, while the mainstream media (and Gawker) were guffawing at Texas Gov. Greg Abbott and American paranoids for believing that the military was rehearsing a takeover of the Southwest, a sister scenario was playing out in the obscure Canadian town of Cobourg, 60 miles east of Toronto on the northern shore of Lake Ontario.

What’s more, the Canadian operation featured the specter of the secretive U.S. National Mission Force, a bete noire of the (rightly paranoid) black-helicopter crowd, which was slithering around Canadian soil and practicing what steps it would take if a terrorist nuclear weapon was ever hidden in a city and ticking away. No one, not even the media on the scene, detected a thing.

The local paper—Northumberland Today—covered the drill (obligingly doing so after the exercise was over) and its reporter Pete Fisher even published pictures. Yet our friendly cousins to the north missed what the exercise, called Vital Archer 15, was about. For the Pentagon’s ultra-secretive special mission unit, that made the operation a double success!

The US Saved Canada from Nuclear Terror Last Month

Vital Archer isn’t just any old exercise. One has to have a Focal Point clearance and special access to know the details. I’ve seen glimmers for years, but have never been able to quite nail it down. When the name popped up in my Google news alert last Thursday, I contacted the reporter, wondering if it was just a weird coincidence or this was actually the premier classified drill that I’d been chasing after for so long. Were there Americans about, I asked? Pete, a nice enough guy, said he hadn’t seen any. “No big thing,” he said when I urged him to dig further, “It’s over.” He told me in a follow-up email that he “know[s] military officials high up,” and invited me to look at his bestselling book Highway of Heroes: True Patriot Love.

On Friday, I asked Northern Command (NORTHCOM) in Colorado Springs if Vital Archer was the one and the same, and this was the answer they sent me:

“We conducted a routine Vital Archer exercise with the Canadian Armed Forces in late April at various locations in central Ontario including CFB [Canadian Forces Base] Trenton. It also involved multiple government departments and agencies, including Public Safety Canada and U.S. Department of State. The goal of the training was to exercise inter-governmental collaboration, processes and procedures. The most recent exercise like this took place in Goose Bay, Labrador in October 2014. Vital Archer 15 had been in planning for more than a year and was not directly related to any current events. We are not able to share details of the scenario or many of the specifics, except to say that it involved hundreds of participants, most of whom operated from command or operations centers with only a small number of people deployed the field.”

“Routine.” Meaning scheduled, not routine. “The goal of the training” says nothing: The goal was to exercise the most nightmarish scenario one could imagine. A “small number of people deployed [to] the field”? Exactly: Who you gonna call?

For decades I’ve been writing about how the military plans to handle nukes in our midst, first because nuclear terrorism is sexier than hell; and second, because this scenario is one of the very few where military forces come face to face with executive authority and the Constitution. I even wrote a book about the subject of the unique authorities given to the so-called National Mission Force in American Coup. And I’ve been sniffing after Vital Archer since the first exercise of the series was held in 2005 with the stand-up of NORTHCOM, the military homeland defense command that was created after 9/11 to “deter, prevent and defeat threats and aggression aimed at the United States.”

But until recently, I’ve never quite known what Vital Archer was.

Adm. William E. Gortney, the NORTHCOM commander, mentioned the exercise in his testimony before Congress earlier this year, welcoming Special Operations Command North (SOCNORTH) to full operational capability, which he said affirmed its readiness to operate in “Exercise VITAL ARCHER, our Tier 1 counterterrorism exercise.” Digging deeper, I found a new March 2015 Department of Energy report to Congress called Prevent, Counter, and Respond—A Strategic Plan to Reduce Global Nuclear Threats (FY 2016–FY 2020). On page 93 of a 124 report filled with seeming gobbledygook, the Department says that the scientists assigned to the National Mission Force participate in Vital Archer—a “DOD-led OCONUS [outside of the continental United States] render safe exercise ... that approximate[s] the complexity of conducting operations on a nuclear/radiological device overseas.”

So a routine article in a provincial Canadian newspaper serves to unravel one of the government’s most sensitive secrets, including how the United States and its international partners prepare to thwart a terrorist nuclear weapon literally ticking down in the middle of a major North American city.

Hollywood to the extreme? A one-in-a-gazillion possibility? A figment of Dick Cheney’s “one-percent doctrine” fever dreams? I think so. But nuclear weapons weren’t elevated to number one by Cheney and Bush. Loose post-Soviet nukes, Pakistani profligacy, a leaky North Korea, Libya and even South Africa–these were the top concerns of the Clinton administration, and before him, Bush I.

And on 9/11, something did happen: a terrorist group demonstrated its willingness and even desire to kill thousands of innocent civilians. These far-fetched scenarios that were the lifework of virtually unknown organizations—the Joint Special Operations Command was created to some degree predicated on building a competent force to carry out a nuclear crisis-response mission—were suddenly more relevant. The government over-reacted, but their programs weren’t manufactured from nothing. We expect the government to prepare contingency plans, and if there were ever a nuclear weapon secreted in the middle of New York or Washington, however far-fetched, we would want them to do ... well, everything? Anything?

There’s no easy answer. Vital Archer and similar exercises of the extreme assume the failure of diplomacy, of arms control and disarmament, of the prodigious efforts to lock up nuclear materials, of international surveillance and interdiction, a breakdown in physical security, in border control, and in law enforcement. You can imagine the joint press conference by the American president and the Canadian prime minister: Today, at O-dark-thirty, U.S. and Canadian forces, in a joint operation, captured...

And like the killing of Osama bin Laden, it would be hooray for the SEALs and Delta Force and the inevitable Hollywood depiction: the tough political decisions, the who-do-you-call realities of governance, the get-the-fuck-out-of-the-way attitude of secret government. I struggle with the story behind Vital Archer, because what we want is for those commandos to be ready to perform Hollywood magic—and yet in asking them to prepare for the worst, we empower those who seek to maintain the constant state-of-war panic where every contingency-planning possibility is turned into a right now justification. And it is.

The US Saved Canada from Nuclear Terror Last Month

Since 9/11, our collective response to a terrorist nuke has been honed to a razor’s edge. Ironically—and I’ll write more about this in coming days—as the scenario has become perceived as more real, the government has created new rules and new secret laws and policies to deal with our natural inclination to simply surrender to military everything and possible martial law should the worst happen. Which is to say that the National Mission Force once was a let-nothing-stand-in-your-way military-led authority existing above the law. But after 9/11, the Justice Department (through the FBI) was put in charge, and our hysterical Cold War contingency plans were brought into compliance with the civilian law. Sort of, maybe; that’s why the hyper secrecy.

The US Saved Canada from Nuclear Terror Last Month

Of course, the FBI itself has become so militarized that one wonders whether it makes a difference. As I’ve written before, we avoid the stain of martial law by accepting a state of martial life. The tough position for us as citizens—and for our democracy—is that the best way to avoid the worst case scenario, both tactically at the eleventh hour and in terms of big questions of strategy and policy, is to let the choking fog of secrecy and the extreme emotions of the subject take over. There are a spectrum of nuclear dangers but the big bang in the middle — the one that represents massive failure — occupies inordinate space.

“Not directly related to any current events” NORTHCOM says about the Vital Archer exercise. And yet to me, it screams Jade Helm, that panic-everyone special operations exercise planned for June. Not because the two are connected in any way. But because secret exercises do occur off military bases, and the military—even when it is being candid—still can’t explain enough to calm the public as to what these exercises are for. And in that has been an erosion of trust — a justified one.

What exactly the Army is doing in Jade Helm in June—I’ll get to that later in a post—is highly sensitive and politically controversial. It’s not about Texas per se, and not about takeover at all— just like Vital Archer isn’t about martial law. And yet we imagine the worst because they imagine the worst, and we don’t know enough to say which worst is more important.

Tomorrow: America Loses its Marbles (Part 2).

[Images courtesy of the Department of Defense and Northumberlandtoday.com.]


Tom Brady Earns Four-Game Suspension For Role In Deflating Footballs

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Tom Brady Earns Four-Game Suspension For Role In Deflating Footballs

Roger Goodell has handed down the Deflategate suspension we were all expecting, and Tom Brady will miss the first four games of the 2015 season for his role in Ballghazi.

ESPN’s Adam Schefter has the scoop, after the New York Daily News reported late Friday that there would be a suspension officially announced today by the NFL. Brady will miss games against the Steelers, Bills, Jaguars, and Cowboys. He is expected to appeal the suspension. Schefter also reported the Patriots will lose two draft picks—including a first rounder—and will be fined one million dollars. Albert Breer has Troy Vincent’s letter to Brady:

With respect to your particular involvement, the report established that there is substantial and credible evidence to conclude you were at least generally aware of the actions of the Patriots’ employees involved in the deflation of the footballs and that it was unlikely that their actions were done without your knowledge. Moreover, the report documents your failure to cooperate fully and candidly with the investigation, including by refusing to produce any relevant electronic evidence (emails, texts, etc.), despite being offered extraordinary safeguards by the investigators to protect unrelated personal information, and by providing testimony that the report concludes was not plausible and contradicted by other evidence.

Your actions as set forth in the report clearly constitute conduct detrimental to the integrity of and public confidence in the game of professional football. The integrity of the game is of paramount importance to everyone in our league, and requires unshakable commitment to fairness and compliance with the playing rules. Each player, no matter how accomplished and otherwise respected, has an obligation to comply with the rules and must be held accountable for his actions when those rules are violated and the public’s confidence in the game is called into question.

From the NFL’s letter to the Patriots:

Based on the extensive record developed in the investigation and detailed in the Wells report, and after full consideration of this matter by the Commissioner and the Football Operations department, we have determined that the Patriots have violated the NFL’s Policy on Integrity of the Game and Enforcement of Competitive Rules, as well as the Official Playing Rules and the established guidelines for the preparation of game footballs set forth in the NFL’s Game Operations Policy Manual for Member Clubs. In making this determination, we have accepted the findings contained in the comprehensive report independently prepared by Mr. Wells and his colleagues.

In determining that a violation occurred, we applied the standard of proof stated in the Integrity of the Game Policy: namely, preponderance of the evidence, meaning that ‘as a whole, the fact sought to be proved is more probable than not.’ This is a well-recognized legal standard, which is applied in courts and workplaces every day throughout the country. The evidence gathered during the investigation and reviewed in the report more than satisfy this standard and demonstrate an ongoing plan by at least certain Patriots’ employees to deflate footballs, to do so in a secretive manner after the game officials have certified the footballs as suitable for play, and to hide these activities even from their own supervisors.

As you know, we regard violations of competitive rules as significant and deserving of a strong sanction, both to punish the actual violation and to deter misconduct in the future. In this case, the footballs were intentionally deflated in an effort to provide a competitive advantage to Tom Brady after having been certified by the game officials as being in compliance with the playing rules. While we cannot be certain when the activity began, the evidence suggests that January 18th was not the first and only occasion when this occurred, particularly in light of the evidence referring to deflation of footballs going back to before the beginning of the 2014 season.

To contact the author of this post, write to tim@deadspin.com (PGP key) or find him on Twitter @bubbaprog.

Failed Furniture Outlet Plasters Truck With Very Reasonable Signs

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Failed Furniture Outlet Plasters Truck With Very Reasonable Signs

Now that the local Payless has closed its doors, dark days lie ahead for the residents of Lawrence, Kansas. But in case you weren’t quite sure how dark, the store’s failed owner has taken it upon himself to explain exactly what’s become of the “COMMIE & CANDY ASS CAPITOL OF KANSAS.” Through the art of truck poster.

Chad Lawhorn of the Lawrence Journal-World was the first to stumble upon the very well thought-out and coherent signage, when he ran into the rabble-rouser himself. From LJ World:

I asked the fellow if he was associated with the store. He said he wasn’t, and then pulled a set of keys out of his pocket and opened the door to the locked store. I told him I thought that might be a sign he was associated with the store. I asked him about his signs, and he said he thought they spoke for themselves.

A man from a nearby business who saw our conversation said that was Bob, the owner of the place. Indeed, the going out of business permit from the city lists a Robert Fyfe as the owner of the store.

Why Bob was being so coy remains unclear. What’s not to be proud of.

Failed Furniture Outlet Plasters Truck With Very Reasonable Signs

Failed Furniture Outlet Plasters Truck With Very Reasonable Signs

via Chad Lawhorn

After all, a 63-star flag takes a man of vision.

I’d pick out some of Bob’s key points, but they are all incredible and all equally important to his overarching message of “I am what happens when a caps-lock key comes to life.” In which case, I present Bob’s truck-based manifesto in full (bolding ours):

Lawrence City Lib Facts:

  • Ranked #1 city in the U.S. to be a homeless bum.
  • Kansas most liberal city, (liberal = most Marxist, most P.C., most regulating, most fascist).
  • In 2012 voted 61% Obama, even though Obama had revealed himself as a liar, lawbreaker, and a hardcore Marxist Dictator. Also, as a pro-Muslim, anti-Jew, anti-Christian race divider.
  • Magnet for urban rats from Chicago & East Coast.
  • Refuge for welfare lowlifes from KCK & Topeka.
  • Stronghold of the Democrat party (coalition of union teachers, public workers, and others who enable bums, welfare lowlifes, single mothers, dopers, gays, and illegals— mo’ democrat voters!)

Lawrence Lib Profile:

  • Brainwashed Marxist zombies, illogical, blinded by emotion. Can’t see the forest for the trees.
  • Unpatriotic, amoral, materialistic, self-centered, judgmental busybodies.
  • Spoiled urban snobs, many of whom have never done any real work, but expect redistribution from those who do real work.
  • Lib locals: Leisure class proletariat of public workers, overpaid union teachers and tenured professor indoctrinators living in a cushy bubble.
  • Students and youth: Uptight lifeless, sheeplike, spoiled and lazy urban candyasses. Also, they are clueless, brainwashed P.C. and enviro-dumbdowner [?] slaves, who blindly take their marching orders from Marxist teachers and media handlers.

So remember, when your children ask you why they’re sleeping on cold, straw mats at night, just relay Bob’s message, which boils down the following: Obama hates Payless.

Images via Chad Lawhorn, LJWorld.com.


Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.

Man Banned From Airline Over Frankly Hilarious Pinocchio Tattoo

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Man Banned From Airline Over Frankly Hilarious Pinocchio Tattoo

I cannot tell a lie—this tattoo is kind of genius and the airline that called the police and banned this man for sharing it with his fellow travelers others needs to get over itself real quick!!

The heyday of glamorous air travel may be over, but no one told 22-going-on-13-year-old Tom Washington, who apparently went all out for his Jet2 flight en route to vacation in Majorca along with 23 of his closest friends. And all was going well—until the Pinocchio tattoo reared its ugly head. Via Nothing to do with Arbroath:

There were 23 of us altogether and we all met at East Midlands airport,” he said. “We got up in the early hours to do our make-up and hair like any presentable woman. We were all excited and sober at this point, and we got on to the plane with barrels of laughter from pretty much everyone – the airport staff and members of the public. We got to our seats on the plane for the safety induction.

“I got up but because my jacket was too tight, it exposed my chest which I had covered with a bra. I then proceeded to ‘help’ the cabin staff with the talk using a sex toy. There were some old men on the plane as well and they were a laugh.The lads mentioned I had a tattoo of Pinocchio, which I showed them, and that was the point where the manager took my passport.”

Following the incident, Tom was told that he would be unable to board the return flight. In order to get him back home, his friends all chipped in to raise £130 to bring him back home on a different airline.

Jet2 apparently came down hard on Washington and his x-rated interpretation of the beloved children’s book character tattoo, even trying to get him arrested because the “indecent exposure” aspect was “offensive” to other travelers.

“We carry millions of families every year so this disgusting behaviour will not be tolerated. It is totally unacceptable,” the airline reportedly said in a statement. “We pride ourselves on giving our customers a friendly and relaxing flight experience so we will take action against anyone who causes offence and disruption to our crew and passengers.”

Fair enough, but whatever dude.


Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Photoshop Contest: Where Is Bill Simmons?

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Photoshop Contest: Where Is Bill Simmons?

Bill Simmons made a lot of dudes want to write about sports, according to the continuing elegiac tweetstorm that dusted up after ESPN kicked him out of bed last Friday. This will happen when you spend the far side of a decade writing for a preponderance of our nation’s 16-to-25-year-old sports bros; this is not nothing, and it is probably commendable on many levels. That’s the nice thing I have to say about Bill. Now, go make some stupid photoshops of the Internet’s most widely subscribed English Comp. professor.

Here’s your isolated Simmo. Winner gets Greg’s copy of the inaugural Grantland quarterly.

Photoshop Contest: Where Is Bill Simmons?

Photoshop Contest: Where Is Bill Simmons?

Photoshop Contest: Where Is Bill Simmons?

Photoshop Contest: Where Is Bill Simmons?

Autistic Girl Allegedly Removed From United Flight for Acting "Fussy"

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The family of a 15-year-old autistic girl is suing United Airlines after pilots made an emergency landing and kicked them off a flight in a humiliating scene last week—simply because the girl was acting “fussy,” says one witness.

The girl’s mother, Donna Beegle, says the trouble began when she “noticed a telltale sign” that her daughter was hungry. Via KGW:

On the flight from Houston to Portland, Donna asked a United flight attendant if Juliet could have something hot to eat. She says the flight attendant told her only first class passengers get hot food. Donna told the flight attendant her daughter would probably have a meltdown. And she did.

“She lashes out and scratches,” said Chuck Forbes, Juliet’s dad.

One of the flight attendants eventually brought Juliet some hot food. Beegle offered to pay and thought that would be the end of it.

“The next thing we hear is we’re doing an emergency landing in Salt Lake City,” said Beegle. “We have a passenger on board with a behavior issue.”

Beegle claims the captain told her he didn’t feel comfortable flying with her daughter on the plane. And when the flight landed in Salt Lake City, the family was escorted off the plane by two armed police officers.

That’s a serious response to what sounds like a fairly minor issue! Well, you might be thinking, perhaps the girl was acting more disruptive than her family is letting on.

Not exactly, say witnesses.

“The child would make noise every now and then, no louder than, say, a baby crying,” one passenger, who shot the video above, tells KOIN. “I don’t think they should have landed a plane for her being fussy.”

But even the more critical passengers admit any potential “threat” posed by the girl was based on total conjecture.

“There was a lot of howling, and we thought well, what’s going on? And it never stopped,” Hedlund said.

“She wasn’t put off the plane because she had autism, she was put off the plane because she was maybe proposing some kind of a threat, to (about) 170 other people at 36,000 feet, which doesn’t make anyone feel safe,” Hedlund said. “What if she got crazy and got up and opened an exit door at 36,000 feet?”

What if! Geez.

[image via AP]


Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

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