Speaking to America’s other self-appointed rape expert named Don on Wednesday, Donald Trump doubled down on his assertion that immigrants from Mexico are mostly rapists, citing an irrelevant article before confidently declaring, “Somebody’s doing the raping.”

To support his racist, unfounded claim, Trump pointed to a 2014 Fusion article reporting that 80% of Central American migrants passing through Mexico are raped, adding, “All I’m doing is telling the truth!”

Even someone as perceptive as Don Lemon, however, could see that a story about women being raped in Mexico had little to do with the supposed rapist makeup of Mexican immigrants in the United States.

“That’s about women being raped,” Lemon told Trump, “it’s not about criminals coming across the border.”

“Somebody’s doing the raping, Don,” replied Trump. “The thing is women being raped, well, then who’s doing the raping?”

C’mon, Don, Trump is just asking (bigoted, fundamentally confused) questions.

[Image via CNN]

A New York woman was charged with child endangerment on Tuesday after alleged leaving her 4-year-old son tied to a bush unattended while she babysat other children in their building, WCBS-TV reports.

According to Spring Valley Police Chief Paul Modica, the boy did not want to go inside so 22-year-old Mery Isabel Quinde-Castro tied her son up “until she could get him into the apartment.” From The Journal News:

The boy was wearing a monkey backpack that had a 4-foot long leash. “The leash part was actually knotted around this bush so that the child just couldn’t walk away,” Modica said. “The child’s hands were free. He wasn’t attached at the waist. He was attached to the line on the backpack.”

Modica said witnesses told police the mother had left her son outside for more than a half-hour, though she claimed it was only 10 minutes. Detective Robert Bookstein said he calculated the apartment was about 200 feet from the bush and the mother could not see her son or hear him from inside.

Speaking to WABC-TV on Wednesday, Quinde-Castro defended her parenting, saying she is not a bad mother.

“If I was a bad mother, I wouldn’t love him,” she told the station. “I have to work in order to survive. I don’t want to take anything from the government.”

According to Social Services officials, the primary goal in endangerment cases like these is to help parents find safe supervision options for their children.

[Image via WCBS-TV]

On Wednesday, the Episcopal Church voted overwhelmingly in favor of letting clergy perform religious marriages for same-sex couples, becoming one of the largest churches to do so. Under the new rules, which take effect November 29, individual members of the clergy are still allowed to decline to “bless any marriage.”

Noted asshole Donald Trump recently made asshole history, giving a goddamn presidential campaign announcement so racist that the network responsible for Outsourced was uncomfortable remaining associated with him.

NBC, however, is just one of many entities that have distanced themselves from Trump since he asserted Mexican immigrants were criminals and rapists last month. Here, for your reading pleasure, is a current list of everyone who has decided to dump the Trump.

Univision

Date of Break-up: June 25

Announcement: “We see first-hand the work ethic, love for family, strong religious values and the important role Mexican immigrants and Mexican-Americans have had and will continue to have in building the future of our country. We will not be airing the Miss USA pageant on July 12th or working on any other projects tied to the Trump Organization.”

Trump’s Response: “Under the contract, Univision is required to broadcast the [Miss USA] pageant live on television in Spanish,” said Trump in a statement. “While Univision claims its decision came solely in response to comments by Mr. Trump during a June 16, 2015 campaign speech announcing his candidacy for President of the United States, the decision was, in reality, a politically motivated attempt to suppress Mr. Trump’s freedom of speech under the First Amendment.”

Miss USA Co-host Roselyn Sanchez

Date of Break-up: June 25

Announcement: “I was very excited and proud to have been invited to participate in Miss USA, but as a Latina, that is now inconceivable,” said Sanchez in a statement. “Although I am not Mexican, I am Puerto Rican and a proud Latina, and his comments were an insult to our culture. I won’t sponsor anything produced by Donald Trump.”

Miss USA Co-host Cristian de la Fuente

Date of Break-up: June 25

Announcement: “Mr. Trump,

As a Latino I cannot work in an event associated with your name. The statements you made against Mexicans and immigrants show that you are ignorant. It is unacceptable to launch your presidential candidacy creating rhetoric of hatred and discrimination in calling Mexicans drug traffickers and rapists. It’s a shame that such an important institution as Miss USA is now in the hands of a clown.”

NBCUniversal

Date of Break-up: June 29

Announcement: “At NBC, respect and dignity for all people are cornerstones of our values. Due to the recent derogatory statements by Donald Trump regarding immigrants, NBCUniversal is ending its business relationship with Mr. Trump.

To that end, the annual Miss USA and Miss Universe Pageants, which are part of a joint venture between NBC and Trump, will no longer air on NBC. In addition, as Mr. Trump has already indicated, he will not be participating in ‘The Apprentice’ on NBC.”

Trump’s Response: “If NBC is so weak and so foolish to not understand the serious illegal immigration problem in the United States, coupled with the horrendous and unfair trade deals we are making with Mexico, then their contract violating closure of Miss Universe/Miss USA will be determined in court,” said Trump in a statement. “Furthermore, they will stand behind lying Brian Williams, but won’t stand behind people that tell it like it is, as unpleasant as that may be.”

Miss USA Sponsor Farouk Systems

Date of Break-up: June 29

Announcement: “Farouk Systems does not agree with or endorse the statements recently made by Donald Trump about immigrants,” said Farouk Systems CEO Basim Shami. “Our company is multicultural with people of Latin American descent making up a large percentage of our employees and loyal customers. As a company proudly founded on the concept of coming to the USA in pursuit of the American Dream, Mr. Trump’s comments do not and will never reflect our company’s philosophy or practices.”

Mexican Broadcaster Televisa

Date of Break-up: June 29

Announcement: “Mr. Trump hasn’t demonstrated understanding or respect toward Mexican migrants and has offended the entire Mexican population,” said Televisa in a statement. “Televisa isn’t indifferent to these declarations and energetically condemns all forms of discrimination, racism and xenophobia.”

Miss USA Judge Jonathan Scott

Date of Break-up: June 29

Announcement: “I’m an advocate for equality in every sense of the word. It makes my soul ache to hear the hurtful comments being made about the people I love. I have decided to step down as judge for Miss USA as I cannot support the views of the powers that be. This in no way diminishes the hard work of the incredible women who are competing nor the rich 60+ year history of this organization. We are all on this big rock together, and I choose love.”

TV Production Studio Ora TV

Date of Break-up: June 30

Announcement: “[W]orking with such a closed-minded person would simply not work. Trump’s comments are racist,” Ora TV chairman Arturo Elías Ayub told Forbes. “At Grupo Carso, we are 100% inclusive, we respect all people, we respect all sexes, races, religions and nationalities. Trump does not think this way. It is difficult to work with a person that does not share our values.”

Miss USA Co-host Thomas Roberts

Date of Break-up: June 30

Announcement: “Best of luck to all #MissUSA2015 contestants this year & THX to the good people behind the scenes @MissUniverse - been a joy working w/you!”

Miss USA Co-host Cheryl Burke

Date of Break-up: June 30

Announcement: “In light of the recent statements made by Donald Trump and the subsequent decision by NBC to cut ties with Mr. Trump, I cannot in good conscience move forward with participating in this year’s Miss USA Pageant as its co-host. Effective today I have withdrawn from my duties with Miss USA. Although I will not be there in person, I wish all of the contestants much luck as I know how hard they’ve all been working over the last year to try and realize their dreams.”

Miss USA Performer Natalie La Rose

Date of Break-up: June 30

Official Announcement: “Natalie La Rose will no longer be performing at the Miss USA event, a rep for the ‘Somebody’ singer has confirmed with Billboard.”

Macy’s Department Store

Date of Break-up: July 1

Announcement: “We are disappointed and distressed by recent remarks about immigrants from Mexico. We do not believe the disparaging characterizations portray an accurate picture of the many Mexicans, Mexican Americans and Latinos who have made so many valuable contributions to the success of our nation,” Macy’s said. “In light of statements made by Donald Trump, which are inconsistent with Macy’s values, we have decided to discontinue our business relationship with Mr. Trump and will phase-out the Trump menswear collection, which has been sold at Macy’s since 2004.”

Trump’s Response: “I have decided to terminate my relationship with Macy’s because of the pressure being put on them by outside sources,” said Trump in a statement. “While selling Trump ties and shirts at Macy’s is a small business in terms of dollar volume, my principles are far more important and therefore much more valuable.”

The City of New York

Date of Break-up: July 1

Announcement: “We are reviewing Trump contracts with the City. Donald Trump’s remarks were disgusting and offensive, and this hateful language has no place in our city,” said Mayor De Blasio. “Trump’s comments do not represent the values of inclusion and openness that define us as New Yorkers. Our Mexican brothers and sister make up an essential part of this city’s vibrant and diverse community, and we will continue to celebrate and support New Yorkers of every background.”

Miss USA Judge Emmitt Smith

Date of Break-up: July 1

Announcement: “In light of Mr. Trump’s statements and the subsequent decisions made by NBC, I have decided not to participate as a judge in the 2015 Miss USA pageant. Knowing firsthand through my wife, Pat Smith, how much the women prepare for this event, I continue to send my support and best wishes to everyone competing this year.”

Miss USA Performer Flo Rida

Date of Break-up: July 1

Announcement: “Flo Rida had been the highest-profile performer scheduled for Miss USA in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and his representative confirmed Wednesday that he would not perform,” reported the Associated Press.

Miss USA Performer Craig Wayne Boyd

Date of Break-Up: July 1

[Image via Getty Images]

On Wednesday, Volkswagen confirmed that a German robotics worker died this week after an assembly robot in a VW plant grabbed the man and pressed him against a metal plate, the Associated Press reports.

VW spokesperson Heiko Hillwig said the exact cause of the accident is not known, but initial findings suggest human error was to blame. From The Local:

The incident occurred on Monday as a Volkswagen factory in Baunatal, Hesse, when the 21-year-old man from another company was working on assembling the robot for a new electric motor production line.

When the robot started up, it grabbed the man and thrust him against a metal slab. The employee, from a company from Meissen in Saxony, suffered severe contusions in his chest area. He was resuscitated at the scene, but then died at the hospital.

Local newspaper Hessische/Niedersächsische Allgemeine (HNA) reported that the man had been standing within the production area with the robot while others were standing in the outer area.

According to NBC News, prosecutors are currently investigating who—if anyone—is legally culpable for the death.

[Image via AP Images]

Ancient by information age standards, Hunter is an Army drone that’s been in use since the Kosovo War in 1999. At 2,000 pounds, it’s neither sleek nor personal, more of a family car that’s hardy enough to have abundant cup holders than a hot rod. But with a heavy fuel internal combustion engine that allows it to operate from unimproved airstrips, Hunter can fly for over 18 hours, giving it the endurance and range necessary to support ground operations out to some distance.

Whereas Global Hawk is labeled “strategic” in the sense that it serves national masters and global missions, and drones like Predator and Reaper are labeled “theater” in that they are scheduled by central authorities (that is, when they are flying on behalf of the CIA or special operations), Hunter is “organic” to the Corps commander, that is, under the control of the Army. But keeping with its minivan design, it can also do what few other drones can, and was the first in all departments. It was the first Army unmanned aircraft deployed to a war zone, going to Baghdad with the 3rd Infantry Division, and it was the first Army drone capable of firing a weapon, making its military intelligence operators into mini-assassins of their own stripe (see sidebar below).

“On September 1, 2007, two IED bombers in northern Iraq were killed while lying in wait to detonate their roadside bomb the next time American soldiers passed by. The insurgents themselves were being watched by an army Hunter drone flying high overhead. Without any noise or warning, a weapon came out of the sky and killed the men. It was the first army weapon fired from one of its own drones in combat, organically able to spy and kill at the same time and all on its own.

But the missile wasn’t Hellfire, Predator’s aptly named hunter killer, nor was it one of the half dozen weapons configured for delivery by Reaper, just then newly flying over the skies of the Middle East. It was Viper Strike. A glide weapon modified from a Cold War invention intended to attack massed armored formations with swarms of what were then called “brilliant” munitions, the reconfigured Viper Strike was reoriented as a single weapon for the purpose of killing individuals. It weighs only a third of Predator’s Hellfire, and has just 2.5 pounds of explosives, one-twentieth of even that small weapon’s punch. ....

Viper Strike is a kind of cop on the beat, turning loitering not just into observation of what goes on the corners of Everybad but also into its own SWAT team, the full cycle completed in turning everyday soldiers into assassins for the Machine.”

Excerpt from Unmanned: Drones, Data and the Illusion of Perfect Warfare

Originally co-developed by Israel Aircraft Industries and TRW (now Northrop Grumman), Hunter found a home as one of the Army’s principal unmanned platforms. As it flew in Iraq, it was not only weaponized but also was one of the first Army drones to be fitted with a complete communications intercept black box (called Green Dart). Only three dozen Hunters exist, assigned to Corps-level military intelligence battalions at Fort Stewart, GA; Ft. Hood, TX; and in Hohenfels, Germany. They are scheduled to fly until 2022.

Fun facts about Hunter:

• In 2002, Dyke Weatherington (seriously), then deputy of the Defense Unmanned Aerial Vehicle Office, claimed Hunter and Pioneer, one of the first UAVs developed, were “direct derivatives of Israeli systems,” and that many of the UAVs in use at the time were owed to Israel, “which develops UAVs aggressively.” A 2013 AP article verified this claim a decade later with a blaring headline reading, “Israel Is World’s Largest Drone Exporter.”
  
• At one point in the mid-90s, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) published a recommendation that read, “Hunter System Is Not Appropriate for Navy Fleet Use.” This recommendation was handed down due to what reads as program mismanagement, and it seems like the Hunter remained an Army project thereafter.
  
• In 2004, Hunter was one of the first drones used in a trial border monitoring program by DHS, Bureau of Customs and Border Protection, and the Office of Air and Marine. According to a presentation after the program concluded, “...Hunter flew 329 flight hours, resulting in 556 detections.” But as Predator and other UAVs replaced Hunter in the program, the results became less worthwhile and in 2013, a scathing report from the Inspector General at DHS claimed, “After spending eight years and hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars, U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has yet to prove the value of its Unmanned Aircraft System (drone) program while drastically understating the costs, according to a new report by the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), Office of Inspector General (OIG). Based on its findings, OIG recommends that CBP abandon plans to spend $443 million more on additional aircraft and put those funds to better use.” Ouch.

[First image courtesy of Getty; art tag by Jim Cooke. Second photo courtesy of the Army.]http://www.amazon.com/Unmanned-Drone...

Forensic evidence from the D.C. mansion where the Savopoulos family and their housekeeper were tortured and killed last month suggests the intruders used a lot of duct tape and a sword to commit brutal crime, the Washington Post reports.

The sword, which was part of Savvas Savopoulos’s martial arts collection, was found at the scene with what appeared to be blood on it, according to the people. Authorities also found bits of duct tape that police think was used to subdue the victims. Tape remnants were on the body of Savopoulos’s wife, Amy, and on a chair where housekeeper Veralicia Figueroa was found, according to one official familiar with the case. That person said the tape also was stripped across a doggy door that led to the kitchen, keeping the family’s two dogs in the back yard.

Two people “familiar with the investigation” tell the paper investigators are processing hundreds of items as potential evidence in the criminal case against Daron Wint—a former Savopoulos employee whose DNA was reportedly found on a partially eaten pizza crust inside the home. http://gawker.com/killers-allege...http://gawker.com/suspect-in-d-c...

Wint’s lawyer tells the Post that his client was set up to take the fall, explaining, “The forensics may only suggest my client had a slice of pizza.” He did not, apparently, address blood later found on Wint’s shoe. http://gawker.com/report-bloody-...

Image via AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Matt Damon, former Boston nobody how do you like them apples, has largely shed his Northeastern demeanor for something of a regular guy kind of vibe; it is a look that he wears well. But newsflash, hombre: on Thursday in Beijing, Damon debuted his highly anticipated phase three: Relaxy Dad.

This is a look that confirms he remembered to set a ten-minute timer after putting those beers in the freezer.

This is a look that says, nah he doesn’t mind if you pop over, he’s just watching the game. He’ll go get some sandwiches before you get here. You want hot peppers on yours?

This is a look that says yeah man, everyone can fit in my Durango on the ride to the custard stand. I’m thinking about getting a hot dog, too. Aw, your sister’s surfboard is still strapped in the back? No big, I’m gonna go put it in the garage. Then we’ll go.

Who’s in for some Disc Golf? Or a trip to the Cove? You wanna shoot some pool?

Congratulations to Matt Damon on his admission to the Chillers Only club.

Images via Getty/Splash.

Anne V., I suppose one of many Annes in the third-grade supermodel class, recently had an baby with her husband, a Yahoo! executive. She announced the name of the female babe on an Instagram post of the bottom of the infant’s foot: “Welcome to the world baby Alaska! Your little feet absolutely rocked my world, I’ve never been so in love! @acahan and I couldn’t be more proud. 6/25/2015.”

Beautiful baby, we can all agree. As for its name, the Baby Name Critic has a poor opinion of those who choose to name their children after states in the United States of America, or countries on Earth, or planets in the solar system. Those are names for places, not people.

Certain state names are, of course, passable names for children: Georgia, Tennessee, Virginia, Illinois (pronounced the French way). Others: no. Alaska, derived from the Aleut word for “mainland,” is a perplexing thing to name a human. Alaska is undoubtedly a state of copious natural beauty, but it is also where Grizzly Man was chomped to death by a bear, where Chris McCandless died by eating poisonous berries, and where Bristol Palin is pursuing a career as a blogger/unwed mother of three (wink). To burden a child with a name that comes laden with such connotations is nothing but a curse.

This has been Baby Name Critic.

Leah Finnegan is Gawker’s Baby Name Critic.

Contact the author at leah@gawker.com. Photo via Ap.

For the past several years, the airline industry has been making spectacular profits by using a conscious strategy of making flying less pleasant for passengers. Next on the agenda: your luggage.

The Wall Street Journal today reports on the next frontier of “reducing the number of human employees in a given industry to zero, or the closest possible approximation thereof.” Airlines across the globe are pushing to make the process of tagging and checking your luggage something that you do yourself, rather than requiring the assistance of a human clerk who must be paid a salary.

Their latest ideas including letting fliers tag their own bags, print luggage tags at home and track their bags on smartphones. Later this year, some fliers in Europe likely will begin using what could be the future of flying luggage: permanent bag tags that digitally update if flight plans change. Improved technology and loosened security rules are accelerating changes to baggage handling.

This move, which the paper says will be available at “three quarters of carriers” globally by 2018, is one more step towards a day when you can be whisked to the airport by a self-driving car, get your boarding pass at a kiosk, tag your luggage yourself, be felt up by security robots, eat food from a vending machine, and then board a plane that will sit at the gate without moving, because the last remaining airline pilots have gone on strike.

We can only dream that eventually technology will allow airlines to produce a seat that a human can fit in. http://gawker.com/stop-fighting-...

[Photo: Flickr]

A former CNN anchor was caught in the middle of a motel room shootout when her husband emerged from the bathroom to find a man holding her at gunpoint Tuesday.

According to the New York Post, Lynne Russell and her husband, former CNN reporter and ex-special forces member Chuck de Caro, stopped for the night at a Motel 6 while passing through Albuquerque on a road trip. According to the couple, Russell left the room to get something from their car while de Caro showered. Russell says that when she returned to the room, a man standing outside pushed her inside at gunpoint.

De Caro, who was in the shower, emerged completely naked and tried talking to the gunman, who was demanding the couple fork over their money and valuables.

“We tried to calm the man, ask him not to point the gun because we really couldn’t think what we could give him,” Russell said. “It felt to me he was used to doing this, that whatever happened wouldn’t bother him.”

De Caro stood in front of a nightstand, where they had placed their legal, .35-caliber handguns. When the thug grabbed a briefcase and began firing at him, De Caro shot back as Russell ducked behind a piece of furniture.

(CNN has a slightly different take; according to the network, Russell managed to slip the gun into a handbag that she handed to her husband under the guise of looking for valuables to give the intruder.)

De Caro, who was hospitalized with multiple gunshot wounds but is expected to survive, ultimately killed the would-be robber, who died in the parking lot outside. Uninjured, apparently, was de Caro’s romantic side: “I was determined to save my dream girl’s life — even if it cost my own,” he tells the Post.

Police say they do not expect to file any charges against de Caro.

Images via CNN. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

On Saturday, a woman who appears to be the sister of alleged Charleston shooter Dylann Roof started a GoFundMe page to recover the deposits she lost by canceling her June 21 wedding after her brother’s alleged massacre “destroyed [her] dream day.” Amber Roof’s page, which also sought donations to “pay bills, and to send us on our dream honeymoon,” was deleted this afternoon after raising more than $1,600.

Four days before his sister’s wedding to Michael Tyo was set to take place, Dylann Roof allegedly shot nine people to death in Charleston’s Emanuel AME Church. Amber and Tyo cancelled their wedding because—as the GoFundMe appeal puts it—the “media abused our privacy and published all of our wedding information and destroyed our dream day.” Also: “to mourn the lives of those lost.”

Ten days, the Tyos apparently decided, was enough time to mourn before requesting $5,000 from strangers “to cover lost wedding costs, to pay bills, and to send [them] on our dream honeymoon.” Ten percent of what they raised would, they claimed, be donated to Emanuel.

By this morning, more than 30 people had donated roughly $1,600 total, though it’s unlikely Tyo or Roof will see any of that; following reports about the GoFundMe in the Washington Post and Post and Courier, the fundraising page was deleted this afternoon. The original letter is copied below.

Dear Family & Friends,

As many of you know Michael and I had to abruptly cancel our wedding day, due to the tragedy that occurred in Charleston. June 21st was suppose to be the happiest day of our lives. It is the day every girl dreams of, it was the day we dreamed of. We had each other, we have the perfect venue, and we had our vows ready to be read. We were ready! We had planned out every detail for months and months. It was going to be the PERFECT day!

Our wedding day was suppose to be the most important and special day of our lives. It was suppose to start our lives together with our new family. Our day was the exact opposite. Our wedding day was full of sorrow, pain, and shame, tainted by the actions of one man.

The Charleston Massacre took place and our lives were forever changed. The media abused our privacy and published all of our wedding information and destroyed our dream day. Destroying the first day of Michael and my life together.

We cancelled our wedding to protect our family and mourn the lives of those lost. Many friends and family members came into town and took time off of work to be there for us. We could not ask you to do that again.

We would like the chance to start our lives on a postive note. Therefore, we have decided to start a Go Fund Me account. We know money cannot replace the wedding we lost and our perfect day, however it will help us to create new memories and a new start with our new family.

Money raised will be used to cover lost wedding costs, to pay bills, and to send us on our dream honeymoon. 10% of all funds raised will be donated to Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church. We thank you for any contrabution you can make.

Our lives have been forever changed and touched by all the love and support you have shown us through this difficult time. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS! GOD BLESS!

Love, The Tyo’s

Below is the text of a blind item from May 4, 2007:

So this celebutante made a Top 100 Sexy List. She was thrilled. She carried around the list for everyone to see. She told her agent that she wants more money for appearance fees now AND that she is entitled to more money than anyone on the list beneath her. When her agent said that was not going to happen, she screamed into her cell phone, “BUT I’M SEXIER THAN THEM.” So you say, and now everyone at that Starbucks knows you think so also.

This week, Crazy Days and Nights finally revealed the celebutante who allegedly stars in this story. Click here for the answer, or look at the picture at the top of this post for the answer.

For reference, Kristin did land the #23 spot on Maxim’s Hot 100 List in 2006. Then at the height of her Laguna Beach fame, she managed to slide in right between Mariah Carey and Kate Moss—hot. In a VH1 interview about making the list, Kristin had to say, “Have to say, being on Maxim’s Top 100 is pretty good revenge to all my ex-boyfriends.”

Kristin did not make the Hot 100 List the next year, or the year after that, or the year after that. In 2010, however, she placed 76th, between Lily Allen and Yvonne Strahovski.

This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photo via Getty]

“Three Hidden Reasons Why Brands Struggle with Authenticity.” All three reasons are “Brands are illusory constructs built upon a foundation of cynicism for whom the concept of ‘authenticity’ is wholly nonsensical,” but it doesn’t say that in Ad Age for some reason.

New York in the summer: a place where people go to eat food, buy things, and do shit. Any number of websites will tell you how to achieve maximum fun potential from June to September, squeezing apple juice from the Statue of Liberty until the well has run dry. Why not let me explayn it to you instead?

EAT

Bordeauxnut

A donut that is fried in oil cut with France’s finest Bordeaux. Voilà.

Spaghetti Burger

Surely you’ve heard of the Ramen burger. Do the math, motherfucker. $17 at my food truck out back.

Notable Person Presents: Mess Hall of Small Plates

I’m on a TV show and I think you’d like my ceviche.

Canadian Ice Cream

Ice cream: a delicious treat that anyone can enjoy and that can be acquired in a number of ways, from ice cream trucks to stalls at Smorgasb*rg to chest freezers in bodegas. Another thrilling thing that makes New York so great. But only a real New Yorker—one who actually knows a thing or two about good ice cream and how it’s really made—would go the extra distance for the real stuff. When craving a sweet treat, one must get into a Zipcar, drive the six or seven hours across the border into Canada, acquire ice cream made from the North country’s sweetest maple syrup, and then bring it back home that night—without stopping to relieve oneself. That is what a real New Yorker would do. No exceptions, no punkasses, no herbs.

Lobster Roll

A pristine scam that needs no updating. Eat it anywhere.

BUY

Flea Market

Run by Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers but I bet you thought I was going to say a market where the only product for sale is fleas. A little known fact about Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers is that his second passion—after bass playing—is collecting vintage Le Creuset French Ovens. Open all year-round, rain or shine. The Flea is...under the bridge...

A French Press, Tiny Little Cactus, and Something Gold and Geometric

If you find these three items in one store, you win the New York scavenger hunt and your rent is free for one month!!!!!

DO

Silent Rave...With Music

Come to Union Square at 8 p.m. sharp tonight. Bring only your iPhone, your earbuds, and a positive attitude! Get ready to dance your ass off at one of New York’s hottest raves, where you will put in your headphones as though you’re listening to music but there is still a DJ playing Drake over a loudspeaker. It’s wild, loud, and confusing. Why the earbuds? This is New York, baby! No questions—just feel the dance.

Governors Bail

If there is one thing New Yorkers love, it’s a festival on a remote island that is both exorbitantly priced and impossible to reach. In a new twist on beloved classic, we send festival-goers to Governors Island under the auspices that they will see acts like “Dragon Dragon” (??) and “METSUK” (?????). Upon arrival, they are informed that they are forevermore imprisoned on the island. Their phones, wallets, and MDMA are confiscated. If they are smart enough to escape back to their “one-bedroom apartments” in “Brooklyn,” they have truly had the best Governors Bail weekend of their lives and are permitted to share one photo on Instagram.

Price: $400. Absolutely no refunds. It’s insulting that you’d ask.

A Roof Party

But first you must learn parkour.

Illustration by Tara Jacoby/Image via Getty.

David Sweat, the surviving member of Clinton Correctional facility’s prison escape duo, claims he never had sex with Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell, the prison employee who was supposed to be their ride to freedom after they escaped.

Tillie, who allegedly helped the inmates because she was in love with Sweat’s big-dicked accomplice, Richard Matt, was also rumored to have banged Sweat at least 100 times. A fellow prisoner claimed Tillie made Sweat the head tailor in the prison shop she oversaw so that he could stay behind and have sex with her while the other inmates went to lunch.

Tillie’s probably-cuckolded husband, Lyle Mitchell, said she swore she’d never had sex with either of the escapees. Good news for Lyle: Sweat said Thursday from his hospital bed that he and Tillie weren’t lovers, the New York Daily News reported.

Bad news for Lyle, though: Sweat confirmed that Matt did fuck Tillie, and that she agreed to drive their getaway car as long as they would kill her husband.

Tillie has claimed she had sex with both of them, but denied the alleged murder plot through her lawyer.

[Photo: AP Images]

A bizarre video by conservative nonprofit Catholic Vote has been making the rounds these past couple days. It features brave, young adults who become watery-eyed as they find the courage to “come out”...against gay marriage. Because that video is arguably insensitive and unquestionably absurd, we’re happy to offer the corrected, more sensible version above.

If you haven’t seen the original video, it is below:

Not only does the video ask you to entertain the idea that coming out against gay marriage is just as emotionally fraught as coming out as gay, it very clearly mimics the well-known “It Gets Better” YouTube campaign—a series meant to empower the kids who actually are struggling with their sexuality.

So Catholic Vote, please feel free to reach out to us in all your future movie-making endeavors.

Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.

According to NBC, an affiliate news crew in the San Francisco Bay Area was robbed and beaten by an unknown assailant early Thursday morning while they were trying to film a broadcast.

The KNTV crew was filming outside Pier 14 covering a shooting that had occurred the night before when they suddenly became the story. Via NBC:

As the two were about to go on air, a suspect pulled up to the curb in a black four-door BMW and approached the photographer and pistol-whipped him with a gun, shoved him to the ground, the photographer and reporter said. The suspect then grabbed the photographer’s camera gear, and as he was struggling to get it inside his getaway car, returned to pistol whip the photographer again, the news crew reported.

The reporter was not injured and the photographer suffered a cut to his ear. The photographer was checked out by paramedics along the Embarcadero and declared OK.

Although the action happened off-camera, it was apparently obvious something was amiss via the KTVU live shot.

KTVU anchor Brian Flores was introducing the story and preparing to go live to Liu when she appeared startled and said, “Hold on, hold on, wait,” before disappearing from the screen, as KNTV reporter Kris Sanchez and camera operator Alan Waples, 54, were being robbed at gunpoint by a young man.

The assailant came up behind Waples, who was was adjusting Sanchez’s lighting, and put a gun to his head.

“Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot!” Sanchez yelled.

Waples said, “Take the camera!” He recalled later that he was waiting for the click of the gun.

“I thought he was going to kill Alan,” Sanchez said.

The man then threw him to the ground and hit him with the gun in the ear, causing a large gash and leaving a big bruise on his upper arm.

All of this unfolded quickly as KTVU was broadcasting live, although the incident wasn’t audible.

The attackers apparently fled in a black BMW, leaving behind a sole ammunition magazine.

This type of attack on broadcasters is apparently common in the Bay Area, where the San Francisco Chronicle notes crews have begun to hire security teams when they go out in the field.

Image via KTVU. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

With Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s slowly churning divorce finally etched into concrete for eternity, America’s newest Batman is moving out of the couple’s Los Angeles mansion and into... a “private area within the family’s home”! It seems weird, but once you see photos of Affleck’s new digs, you’ll totally understand his decision.

First, here’s a bird’s eye view of the ex-couple’s sprawling estate. Even from this angle, you can admire what is likely Affleck’s new man cave, situated in a scenic spot off the couple’s pool.

The shot below provides a better angle. The private area from which he can now romance Jennifer Lopez or at least Blake Lively free from the gaze of Jennifer Garner’s prying eyes features two slides, three seated swings and a tire swing.

Affleck’s “wing” is actually composed of two smaller homes, which are connected by an open-air wooden bridge. The unit appears to receive plenty of natural light.

As you can see in the above photo, Affleck will have immediate access to the property’s patio, but his new home also features a private outdoor area perfect for grilling off to the right of what will likely come to be known as “the dick slide.”

As is customary in Los Angeles during the city’s current real estate boom, Affleck’s new boudoir sports a detached multi-colored plastic slide, which leads out to a large garden area.

The inflatable beach ball is the property of Jennifer Garner but can be rented by tenants for $9 per day.

Contact the author at jordan@gawker.com.

Australian supermodel and linchpin of the Bieber-Bloom sexagon Miranda Kerr was spotted “making out” with billionaire Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, an adult frat bro, at a Venice Beach bar Saturday, US Weekly reports. She’s 32, and he’s an immature 25.

Just 6 years ago, Spiegel was engaged in “getting Pi Phis fucked up” and “fucking bitches getting leid,” emails from his Stanford days revealed. Hopefully this is something Miranda is apprised of before she decides whether to let him “put [his] large kappa sigma dick down her throat.”

Gross.

Spiegel previously dated “reality” “TV” “star” Lucy Aragon, a Bachelor contestant, and did not date Taylor Swift. Kerr was previously married to Orlando Bloom, an elf who punched Justin Bieber in the face.

Bloom was spotted earlier this week kissing Brazilian actress Luisa Moraes, who, as far as I can tell, has never dated Justin Bieber or James Packer.

Oh, what a tangled sexagon we weave.

[Photo: Getty Images]