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Drug Tests, Personality Exams, and Other Hoops You Must Jump Through to Become a Convenience Store Clerk

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Drug Tests, Personality Exams, and Other Hoops You Must Jump Through to Become a Convenience Store ClerkA reader, unemployed, emailed us today to vent his frustration at the online personality tests he was forced to take when applying for even the most menial jobs—in this case, a position working the counter at the gas station/ convenience store chain Twice Daily. "It is ludicrous," our reader said. He has a point.

We decided to fill out an online application ourselves. This is, again, for a job working the counter at a gas station. First, a few of the basic questions:

Do you object to working irregular hours?
Are you willing to travel within a 30 mile radius?
Do you object to working more than 40 hours in a work week?
Do you object to working on weekends?
Tri Star Services, LLC /Twice Daily is a Tennessee Drug Free Workplace and we are committed to providing a safe work environment and to fostering the well-being and health of our employees. Therefore, we have established pre-employment drug testing, random drug testing, post-work accident drug testing, and drug testing for reasonable cause policies. Are you willing to meet our pre-employment drug screening and drug free workplace standards?
Has your driver's license ever been revoked?
List driving violations, if any, during the past three years.

You have to agree to random drug testing both before and during employment to work at a gas station counter. Not the 500 Meter Gas Station Counter Relay in the Summer Olympics; just a regular job. (How do they expect their employees to be qualified to sell all those blunts?)

Next, you have to fill out the mandatory personality test, er, "Hiring Assessment" by clicking to indicate how much you agree with dozens of statements. "The assessment you are about to complete is designed to reflect your potential to be successful at our company." To successfully work the counter at gas station/ convenience store Twice Daily, you must have an incredibly keen sense of subtext. Some sample statements:

Too much planning on the job can get in the way of enjoying things.
I am not a very adventurous person on the job. [The value of adventurousness would seem to vary depending on whether you were, say, an artist or a nuclear engineer.]
I have never told a lie on purpose at work. [On purpose!]
Sometimes on the job I am rude to others, although I don't mean to be.
Trying new things at work is more important than following the rules.
I will tell a lie at work when I need to. [When I need to!]
There are times on the job when I've been a bit lazy.
On the job I am not a very creative person.
I have never taken advantage of any of my employers.
Trusting others on the job can be dangerous.
I like being spontaneous on the job.
I obey the law more often if there's a chance that I might get caught. ["I am someone other than Immanuel Kant."]
At work, I often procrastinate.
Most modern art is not really art. [?!?]
I always complete a job, no matter what else is happening around me. [Fires, earthquakes, bleeding bodies...]
Variety is the spice of life. [!?!]
I worry a lot about my job. [Good? No... bad?]
I never run out of energy. [Meth]

Getting a job selling Slurpees is a more invasive process than becoming a Congressman.


Here's What Chelsea Clinton's $10.3 Million Apartment Looks Like

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Here's What Chelsea Clinton's $10.3 Million Apartment Looks Like

Rich celebukid Chelsea Clinton and her other side of the tracks husband Marc Mezvinsky will move into a 5,000 square-foot prewar apartment with expectedly high ceilings, shiny hardwood floors, and park views. The Whitman, a 1924 building by Madison Square Park in NoMad, is very close to their loft in Gramercy where they supposedly live now.

Clinton and Mezvinsky toured the place last Sunday with Bill and Hill. They unexpectedly found construction workers in the midst of a renovation of the place, but sources reported they were "unruffled" and posed for photos with the workers.

The sleek apartment also boasts a marble cave of a bathroom, a space-age kitchen, four bedrooms, six and a half bathrooms, a key locked elevator, and a "Refrigerated Package Room" for who knows what—probably strictly for Harry & David deliveries. So Clinton has kept true to her 2011 Gawker award, marching forward in this theme of the unremarkable by acquiring an apartment thats only mildly interesting feature is a storage room that is temperature controlled on the colder side. And what if they get flowers delivered and the plants accidentally get chilled—will all the petals fall off? This room might cause more problems than it solves.

Anyway, whatever, their new apartment sounds conventionally boring-fancy.

[New York Daily News, image via Douglas Elliman Real Estate]

Here's What Chelsea Clinton's $10.3 Million Apartment Looks Like Here's What Chelsea Clinton's $10.3 Million Apartment Looks Like Here's What Chelsea Clinton's $10.3 Million Apartment Looks Like Here's What Chelsea Clinton's $10.3 Million Apartment Looks Like

If a Friend Ever Texts You Gibberish, NBD 143, They Might Be Having a Stroke

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If a Friend Ever Texts You Gibberish, NBD 143, They Might Be Having a StrokeFriends: they're so STUPID. Texting you garbage that doesn't make sense, like, "lol idc 143" and "Fjrthbjhjkgh 7&&." Then again, as the New York Times points out, sometimes when friends text you gibberish, it's not because they're drunk or sitting on their phone; it's because they're having a stroke.

Slurred and incoherent speech is one of the classic signs of a stroke. But new research finds that another symptom may be garbled and disjointed text messages, which could provide early clues to the onset of a stroke.

So, to be on the safe side, maybe just always assume they're having a stroke? In fact, to be on the extra safe side, text all your friends right now. Write: "Are you having a stroke? (Apologies 4 mass text.)"

On Tuesday, the Times' health blog zeroed in on the distinctly modern phenomenon it claims "doctors" (who sound more like bloggers) "are calling 'dystextia,'" by examining the only two known cases of it.

In one, a 40-year-old Detroit man retained his ability to read, write longhand, and understand language normally following a stroke; the only thing he couldn't do was text.

The man's wife noticed something was awry after he sent her a series of "disjointed and nonsensical" text messages that could also be interpreted as incredibly inept sexts:

One message said: "Oh baby your." Another text, moments later, said, "I am happy." The man later wrote that he was "out of it" and "can't make sense."

Two days later, at the hospital, a doctor handed the patient a smartphone and told him to type out (with no abbreviations) "The doctor needs a new BlackBerry." The man produced a message reading "Tjhe Doctor nddds a new bb."

This concentrated loss of skill could indicate that the ability to send a text message is governed by a part of the brain separate from other language abilities. Or it could just be one of those freak, wackadoo, who-knows-what things. No mention was made of the man experiencing similar difficulties while typing on a computer.

Either way, the next time your friend sends you what appears to be a butt-text, call an ambulance because they are dying.

[NYT Blog // Image via Shutterstock]

Wish George W. Bush a Happy Iraq War Day: Here is His Private Email Address

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Wish George W. Bush a Happy Iraq War Day: Here is His Private Email AddressAs we mentioned earlier, a hacker calling himself (or herself) Guccifer has penetrated the electronic worlds of George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, and a number of other political figures. Screengrabs of various email conversations that Bush, Clinton, and others have participated in have been floating around the internet. And it has come to our attention on this, the day of the 10th anniversary of the invasion of Iraq on the orders of George W. Bush, that one of those screengrabs credibly displays Bush's private email address. It is: gwb@ogwb.org. Please let him know that you're thinking of him today.

Underdog Fight: G.L.O.W.: The Story of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling

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Underdog Fight: G.L.O.W.: The Story of the Gorgeous Ladies of WrestlingMountain Fiji, Colonel Ninotchka, Debbie Debutante, Susie Spirit, Spike, Chainsaw and their colleages were underestimated from the start. They were the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (or G.L.O.W.) and for four years that started in 1986 they were a day-glo staple of Saturday morning programming. No one expected them to catch on ("It was almost an infomercial!" recalls one of the wrestlers on the show's rampant product placement) or last as long as they did, but then when it was clear that they had (after 104 episodes), the show's primary backer Meshulam Riklis stopped funding it supposedly because his then-wife, camp icon Pia Zadora, forced him to.

Real life is almost as absurd at what played out on the small screen, which is described by one of its participants as "a vaudevillian show mixed with Saturday Night Live mixed with female wrestling." It's all lovingly documented in Brett Whitcomb and Bradford Thomason's G.L.O.W.: The Story of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, which airs tonight on Logo. Several of the original Ladies participated in the documentary, which gives it voyeuristic before-and-after appeal (what does a female professional wrestler of the '80s look like almost 30 years later?). But the doc also exudes a humanity that the conscious camp of the show glossed over.

Though it came off as little more than sensory junk food, G.L.O.W. mattered to so many of the women involved — many were cast based on their appearance over their athletic prowess and hoped to use G.L.O.W. as an entry into high-profile show business. For most of them, G.L.O.W. would prove to be the height of their careers in entertainment, and now they're looking back on their legacy. It's easy to see parallels to the used-and-discarded participants of reality TV, which has to some audiences replaced professional wrestling as the low-culture performance art of its time. The Ladies performed at the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas and were housed in basically a giant dorm nearby. They worked as they lived, to a sometimes detrimental extent. In the film, Lori Palmer (Colonel Ninotchka) explains, "We were constantly in character. I became Ninotchka because I was Ninotchka 24/7." A man fell in love with that character, proposed to her and then left her when he realized Lori couldn't live up to the brutal strength of her character.

G.L.O.W. was a blip on the pop culture radar that meant a lot to a few people who carry it with them today (in sustained injuries and fond recollections, alike). It's particularly interesting to watch co-founder Matt Cimber specifically refer to the show as "camp" on old Donahue footage — that sort of self-awareness is usually only found in retrospect. It accordingly abounds elsewhere in G.L.O.W.: The Story of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, which manages to be heartfelt about a ridiculous subject. Also in that Donahue clip, Cimber describes G.L.O.W. as "a great image for young girls...They show women as independents." It sounds like spin, especially from its male guiding hand. Indeed, by the end of the doc, what emerges as most important is shared experience.

Dropkick Murphys Singer Kicks the Crap Out of Skinhead Doing Nazi Salute on Stage During St. Patrick's Day Concert

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Dropkick Murphys Singer Kicks the Crap Out of Skinhead Doing Nazi Salute on Stage During St. Patrick's Day Concert

A skinhead who thought it would be a good idea to do the Nazi salute on stage during a Dropkick Murphys concert at NYC's Terminal 5 last week learned quite a bit about what's in a band name, courtesy of founding member/bass player/lead singer Ken Casey.

Here's how it went down, courtesy of Rocks Off:

It was St Patty's Day week, the shows were packed, and people were getting drunk. And Rowdy. Really Rowdy. As has become tradition the band invited the ladies to come onto the stage for their encore of "Kiss Me Im Shitfaced" 50+ ladies made it past the barricade and onto the stage and danced the song away. The band then kicked into "Skinhead on the MBTA" and a ton of dudes werre getting past security and the stage ended up being packed tighter than the underside of a real man's kilt. As the band kicked into T.N.T. by AC/DC some moron started seig heiling (the nazi salute) in time to the beat.

Ken Casey noticed this and ran right over to the guy, smashed him in the face, took off his bass and hit him with that and then jumped on him and all out chaos ensued. We could only assume from our vantage point that said nazi got his ass kicked. About 30 seconds later Ken emerged from the pileup with his shirt torn and made his way back to the front of the stage. He strapped on his bass and said into the microphone "Nazis are NOT FUCKING WELCOME at a Dropkick Murphys show."

As it so happens, the Dropkick Murphys just announced a nationwide tour that's expected to last for three whole months and will include performances at Coachella, Sasquatch!, and Kanrocksas.

Those planning on attending one of the dates are advised to leave their sieg heils at home.

[H/T: BrooklynVegan via The Hollywood Reporter]

Barney Frank Was Never Sorry for Threatening to Blow Up Your Car

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Barney Frank Was Never Sorry for Threatening to Blow Up Your Car

Former Representative Barney Frank is not known for saying polite things to make people feel better. He will not "pretend everything in wonderful" when it is not. He will cause a scene when Fire Island ferry employees refuse his senior discount. He will not indulge an inquiry into his emotional state after getting passed over for John Kerry's open Senate seat, instead swatting away a reporter's question with, "If I wanted to talk about feelings, I would have called Oprah."

But was the 72-year-old married man always like this?

Absolutely.

Back in 1971, when the Harvard graduate served as the chief assistant to Boston Mayor Kevin White, the local weekly newspaper Boston After Dark—a/k/a B.A.D., which soon morphed into the Boston Phoenix, whose employees happen to be cleaning out the archives, where this artifact was found—did something apparently the administration did not like. So over the phone, Frank made a comment about blowing up the editor's car to a "friend," who made the aside public, so public the Mayor's acolyte was forced to acknowledge the aside.

But Frank's defense was hardly an apology:

STATEMENT FROM BARNEY FRANK

I am the associate of Mayor White who made the threats to blow up the car of B.A.D. editor Teddy Gross and the reference to reassessing B.A.D.'s building. I said this at the outset of a long phone call to a man I had considered a friend in what I had considered then and now to be an obviously humorous fashion. It is inconceivable to me that they were taken seriously. I have been granted by the editors space to explain this fully. I failed to complete my explanation before the deadline and so I have asked that this statement be printed to make clear that the threats of violence and reassessment so dramatically represented were clearly meant humorously, were made entirely on my initiative and resulted from a combination of my sense of humor and my deficiency as a judge of character. — Barney Frank

In other words: Frank's only regret was talking to a dipshit and this was so stupid he couldn't even be bothered to file a proper defense by the newspaper's deadline. P.S. Fuck you.

Oh, Barney, you always did have a way with words.

[@CarlyCarioli // Barney Frank photo by AP]

NASA's Advice If an Asteroid Heads for Times Square: 'Pray'

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NASA's Advice If an Asteroid Heads for Times Square: 'Pray'

Tuesday morning, the House Science Committee summoned NASA chief Charles Bolden to discuss the possibility of a major asteroid colliding with Earth. There were, probably, many enlightening conversations, but we'll focus on just one, as highlighted by the New York Daily News:

"What would we do if you detected even a small one like the one that detonated in Russia headed for New York in three weeks? What would you do?" Rep. Bill Posey (R-Fla.) asked.

The witnesses turned to look at each other.

"Bend over and what?" Posey pressed, drawing chuckles from the hearing room.

"The answer to you is, if it's coming in three weeks, pray," Bolden said.

Comforting! But why should we pray instead of, say, shooting it from the sky with a laser?

He said Americans might want the government to be able to zap asteroids -but the government has not provided the money to do so.

"We are where we are today because you all told us to do something - and between the Administration and the Congress ... the funding did not come," he said.

Good to know. But if NASA did have the money, what would it be used for? Depends. White House science advisor John Holdren wants to put a satellite in orbit near Venus, to monitor for approaching meteors. Bolden, the NASA guy, supports President Obama's goal of placing real, live astronauts on an actual asteroid by 2025, which is the much cooler and costlier option.

Obama's 2013 budget request sought roughly $20 million for asteroid protection compared to current funding of $4 million a year.

Holdren said that adequate asteroid protection would cost $100 million a year, up to the $2 billion through 2025 sought for the manned asteroid shot.

The hearing was inspired by the meteor that exploded over Russia last month. Speaking of the Russian meteor, witnesses at today's hearing said astronomers were unable to track the 17-meter-wide space rock because it was backlit by the sun, a disclosure that, again, isn't very comforting.

[Image via Shutterstock]


Steubenville Lawyer Will Appeal, Says Client's 'Brain Isn't Fully Developed'

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Steubenville Lawyer Will Appeal, Says Client's 'Brain Isn't Fully Developed' One day after his client, 16-year-old Ma'lik Richmond, was convicted by an Ohio judge of raping an incapacitated girl, attorney Walter Madison said on CNN's Piers Morgan Live that he plans to appeal the verdict and that Richmond should not have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.

"I don't believe he should have to register as a sex offender until he dies. ... I don't believe that a person, at 75 years old, should have to explain for something they did at 16 when scientific evidence would support your brain isn't fully developed," said Madison, "when the evidence in the case would suggest you were under the influence."

Since briefly making his case last night, many people have been quick to mock Madison. Piers Morgan himself told the lawyer, "I've got 3 teenage sons and when you get to 16, 17, your brain's developed enough to know you shouldn't be raping girls."

Morgan's sons aside, Madison's brain-development complaints are not so outlandish when one considers that the Supreme Court abolished the death penalty for juvenile offenders in 2005 for a similar reason. After hearing from numerous medical practitioners who stated that young criminals' mental capacities are not yet matured, the court struck down juvenile executions, stating in its opinion "it would be misguided to equate the failings of a minor with those of an adult, for a greater possibility exists that a minor's character deficiencies will be reformed."

Judge Thomas Lipps, who presided over the Steubenville rape case, said both Richmond and Trent Mays, who was also convicted of raping the same girl, will go through a separate hearing to decide which sex offender registration category applies to them after they've served their jail time.

[Image via AP]

Fake 'Bingo' Yell Leads to Disorderly Conduct Charge, 6-Month-Ban From Saying 'Bingo'

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Fake 'Bingo' Yell Leads to Disorderly Conduct Charge, 6-Month-Ban From Saying 'Bingo'

When 18-year-old Austin Whaley and a few of his buddies decided to run into the famed Convington, Kentucky bingo hall and yell "bingo," they probably thought it'd be a fun, harmless prank. They couldn't have been more wrong. Police Sgt. Richard Webster, fresh off the career case, described the scene at the hall, which was mostly filled with elderly women, after the false "bingo" shout:

"At first, everybody started moaning and groaning when they thought they'd lost," Webster said. "When they realized it wasn't a real bingo, they started hooting and hollering and yelling and cussing. People take their bingo very seriously."

Apparently, Sgt. Webster also takes his bingo very seriously. He apprehended Whaley and issued the 18 year old a citation for second-degree disorderly conduct. "Just like you can't run into a theater and yell ‘fire' when it's not on fire, you can't run into a crowded bingo hall and yell ‘bingo' when there isn't one," Webster told NKY.

Webster, still angry, went on, noting that all of this could have been avoided if only Whaley had apologized. "He seemed to think he could say whatever he wanted because it was a public building," Webster said to NKY. "I tried to explain that that's not the case. Just because it's a public building doesn't give you the right to run into a theater and yell ‘fire.' You can't go into a ballpark and yell ‘out,' because people could stop the game."

Fair points, except for the one comparing falsely yelling "bingo" in a room full of old people to falsely yelling "fire" in a crowded room. Luckily for Whaley, the probably still-mad Webster was not in charge of his sentencing.

Kenton District Judge Douglas Grothaus showed some leniency and, instead of the maximum punishment of 90 days in jail and a $250 fine, gave a more reasonable, if possibly unconstitutional, penalty: "Do not say the word ‘bingo' for six months," Grothaus ordered Whaley.

If Whaley avoids trouble (and saying 'bingo') for six months, the charge will be dismissed.

[Image via Shutterstock]

Katy Perry and John Mayer Broke Up, Again

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Katy Perry and John Mayer Broke Up, Again

Seven months after they first broke up, America's best-matched couple, John Mayer and Katy Perry, have again called it quits. According to US Weekly, the two, who have dated since last summer, split because of issues over their schedules. But don't worry! There's hope they might get back together, according to the magazine's surely reliable sources.

"It's sad," one pal tells Us, but cautions that it might not be a permanent break. "It's not over until it's over. You have to see how things play out." Adds another source: "She's leaving the window open. They have both been so focused on work."

The pair graced us with many memorable moments like...well, they went to Obama's second inauguration together, which was nice.

They'd also recently considered adopting a cat together:

But there were signs earlier this week that things weren't so great in the Perry household. Of course, they were made up, astrology-based signs but still.

Let's hope this leads to a "Dear John, Part 2" collaboration between Perry and one of Mayer's other exes.

[Vulture/US Weekly/Image via Getty]

The Union Protester Who Punched Fox News Comedian Steven Crowder Was Acting in Self-Defense, Will Not Be Prosecuted

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The Union Protester Who Punched Fox News Comedian Steven Crowder Was Acting in Self-Defense, Will Not Be Prosecuted

Remember when conservative comedian and Fox News contributor Steven Crowder was punched in the face by a union activist outside a Michigan protest? Crowder made a big deal about it, even going so far as to challenge the protester to a "legal, sanctioned mixed martial arts bout." Then came the unsurprising revelation that the video was misleadingly edited to make Crowder look like an innocent, if obnoxious, victim.

That heavily edited video, which Fox News themselves released, is the reason why, on Monday, Ingham County Prosecutor Stuart Dunnings III announced he will not press charges against the protester, who Dunnings said was trying to defend himself.

"It's pretty clear the person that they wanted to charge was acting in self-defense," Dunnings said of the union member who apparently slugged Crowder.
...

Dunnings questioned why Crowder didn't initially provide that original footage to Dunnings' office.

"I'm not holding that against him, but why would they provide the edited video? The longer video clearly shows the guy got pushed down and came up swinging," Dunnings said.

Dunnings's decision was based on the state police's investigation, which reviewed both the edited and unedited versions of the video.

Crowder didn't respond to requests for comment from the Lansing State Journal or The Detroit News. But earlier this month, however, he did publish another insightful and hilarious column on how to deal with husbands badmouthing their wives.

Here's my challenge to the real men out there; it's very simple. If you have a good marriage, talk about it. If you love your wife, say it. If some moron tells you that you're merely a "newlywed" or that you're still just "too young to understand," correct them. Openhanded slaps to the face are preferable.

[Detroit News/Lansing State Journal]

'Skulls on Screens' at Korean Banks, Broadcasters Following Massive, Malicious Viral Attack

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'Skulls on Screens' at Korean Banks, Broadcasters Following Massive, Malicious Viral AttackSouth Korea's three main broadcasters and two of its major banks were paralyzed on Wednesday by a massive outbreak of malicious code that crashed and displayed "skulls" on some computers, thought by many to be a retaliatory cyberattack from North Korea. The television channels KBS, MBC, YTN and the banks Nonghyup and Shinhan Bank had their computer systems simultaneously shut down at around 2 p.m., with employees unable to boot up their computers or access the internet; by 4 p.m., the systems had been restored. Media outlets were able to continue broadcasting, but Shinhan found that its internet banking and some ATMs were rendered inoperable. The South Korean government has launched an investigation and upgraded its information operations condition; North Korea has been threatening to launch a cyberattack since last week, when it accused the U.S. and South Korea of hacking computers in Pyongyang. The hack is believed to have come through services provided by LG. [BBC | Korea Herald | AJE]

Kate Upton Is Going to the Prom with Some High School Goober Who Asked Her Out in a YouTube Video

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When a cringe-inflaming YouTube prom proposal from a Milken Community High School senior to supermodel Kate Upton first began making the rounds earlier this week, most brushed it off as just another on of those videos.

But it's thanks to that very scoffing that Jake Davidson will be crowned Perpetual Prom King on May 23rd, with Kate Upton by his side.

"You can call me Katie if you want!" Kate Upton tweeted at Jake late yesterday. "How could I turn down that video! I'll check my schedule ;)"

And this morning, Upton and Davidson had their first one-on-one conversation when the Sports Illustrated staple phoned in to the Today Show to reiterate her promise to check her schedule.

All right, so it's not a definite yes, but it's a definite maybe and Kate Upton said his name. Which is more than enough to earn Jake high-fives for life.

[H/T: The Today Show]

Obama Kicks off Historic Mideast Trip with First State Visit to Israel

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Obama Kicks off Historic Mideast Trip with First State Visit to Israel President Obama arrived in Israel today on his first state trip to the country and the first leg of his tour of the Middle East. He is expected to discuss the crisis in Syria and Iran's disputed nuclear program with the leaders of Israel. He also plans to go to the West Bank on Thursday to meet with Palestinian officials, but there are not many expectations for progress towards peace.

Just after President Obama's arrival, Israeli Prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu said the two countries have an "unbreakable alliance," and President Obama called the bond between their two countries "unbreakable." (Did you guys maybe read each other's speeches?)

It's expected that Netanyahu will try to get the U.S. President to agree to define a "red line" for Iran that will decide a point in the country's nuclear development that military intervention will be taken to prevent Iran from developing a bomb.

Obama's tour begins with the Iron Dome, the Israeli missile defense system battery close to Tel Aviv, for which the U.S. has provided extensive funding. He will also visit the Church of the Nativity, lay a wealth in the Hall of Remembrance, go to Jordan on Friday for talks and dinner with King Abdullah, and take a walking tour of the ancient city Petra on Saturday before returning to the U.S.

[Reuters, image via AP]


Basketball Fan Refuses to Share Ice Cream with Girlfriend, Becomes Instant Internet Celebrity

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Basketball Fan Refuses to Share Ice Cream with Girlfriend, Becomes Instant Internet Celebrity

While the Magic and the Pacers passed a striped orange ball around in the hopes of throwing it repeatedly into a netted hoop, the real entertainment was taking place in the stands.

A young bearded gentleman who had purchased for himself a large cone with several scopes of mint chocolate chip ice cream was pulling a Joey on his significant other, who was visibly (and comically) aghast at his lack of generosity.

Most likely, as pointed out by Isaiah Thomas and Chris Webber in the post-game play-by-play (see below), the SO had turned down an earlier opportunity to enjoy her very own ice cream cone, and the boyfriend was merely making a very necessary point.

Kudos to you, Ice Cream Guy. Keep fighting the Good Humor fight.

[videos via YouTube]

Reminder: It's The First Day of Spring, Which Means You Have a God-Given Right to Free Italian Ice Today

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Reminder: It's The First Day of Spring, Which Means You Have a God-Given Right to Free Italian Ice TodayEvery year on the first day of spring, Rita's Italian Ice celebrates Persephone's joyous homecoming by hosting a hedonistic pagan orgy of flavors and colors and temperatures inside everyone's mouths. Right now, it's a balmy 34° degrees in New York, which can only mean one thing: spring has sprung. TIME TO GET FREE RITA'S.

From noon to 9 p.m. Wednesday, all Rita's locations will be giving away free Italian ices to every customer. "Your money's no good here!" the cashiers will laugh, as they set your wallet ablaze in a truly psychotic display. For God knows what reason, the ices Rita's gives away are FULL-SIZED, which means you'll get, like, 70% more Italian ice than could ever need or want. If that weren't enough, every ice is served in a "limited-edition First Day of Spring cup." How do you even turn a profit, Rita's? You must be in it for love!

*Free Food Bonus Round*
If you live in New York City or Paris, congrats on your internship at Runway—a million girls would kill for that job. It's also FREE MACARON DAY/JOUR DU MACARON in these places, which means if you march into any participating macaronerie and scream "I'M HERE FOR THE FREE MACARON I AM GODDAMN OWED," they must give you one. (You actually have to say "I'm here for Macaron Day NYC," which is a little embarrassing but not as demeaning as the time a Comcast rep made me say "I love Comcast" over the phone in exchange for free HBO. Never apologize for yourself!)

Proceeds from New York's Macaron Day benefit the City Harvest charity, which is unfortunate since the day is structured around a business model that consists of giving away product for free. Enjoy your $0 giant novelty check, City Harvest. (I guess they're hoping you'll buy some macarons in addition to taking all your free ones? A scheme only a Frenchman could have dreamed up.)

[Image via AP]

The Unemployment Safety Net Is Not Very Safe at All

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The Unemployment Safety Net Is Not Very Safe at AllIf you are unfortunate enough to be one of the 12 million officially unemployed Americans today, there are a few things you can do to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps: 1) Be born wealthier; 2) invest your copious disposable income in a diversified portfolio of stocks and bonds and wait 30 years; and 3) do not believe your country's empty promises to you.

Unemployment benefits, which had been extended during the depths of the recession, are now being cut back across America. Sounds okay on a macro level, maybe, but it's not much help for the long-term unemployed. Since the length of eligibility is set on a state by state basis, workers in different parts of the country face drastically different safety nets. None of this is necessarily rational. The WSJ reports:

But the duration of benefits doesn't necessarily match up with states' economic situations. Alaska, for example, currently offers the longest unemployment benefits, at 86 weeks, despite an unemployment rate of 6.7%, well below the national mark. Georgia and South Carolina, meanwhile, both offer newly unemployed workers less than a year of benefits despite unemployment rates of 8.7%. Nationally, states now offer 55 weeks of benefits on average; the average unemployed worker has been out of work for 36.9 weeks, but about a quarter of job seekers have been looking for at least a year.

States are indebted to the federal government. They in turn slash unemployment benefits in order to limit tax increases, ostensibly to ensure that businesses can keep hiring. If businesses don't hire—if they sit on hoards of cash like, you know, the world's biggest corporations—the outcome is simply that the long term unemployed are left with no job and no benefits. Perhaps they should move to Alaska.

Even sadder is the plight of unemployed veterans, poignantly illustrated by Greg Jaffe in the Washington Post today. Everyone—politicians, civic leaders, business owners—pays lip service to hiring veterans who have returned from war. The reality, though, is that veterans face not only the same tough job market as everyone else, but their own set of unique disadvantages: resumes with little private sector experience, trouble adjusting to civilian life, and often significant psychological damages from their experience in war.

Jaffe's story follows Captain Mike Bolton, an Oklahoma Army National Guardsman whose job is to help find jobs for his fellow veterans. For the 180 veterans he's actually placed in jobs, "The average pay is $32,000, less than the brigade's lower-ranking soldiers made in Afghanistan." At the end of the story, Bolton himself is laid off. Perhaps he can move to Alaska.

[Photo: AP]

How Awkward! Tiger Woods' Yacht is Parked Right Next to Elin Nordegren's New Boyfriend's

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How Awkward! Tiger Woods' Yacht is Parked Right Next to Elin Nordegren's New Boyfriend's It's a problem we've all experienced: a new beau's yacht is docked uncomfortably close to an ex's yacht. Even with a spacious deck and multiple bedrooms, parlors, and lounge spaces in the hull, everyone could be forced to wave to each other while sunning.

This is the latest problem/non-problem facing Elin Nordegren. The ex-wife of Tiger Woods is rumored to be dating billionaire coal magnate Chris Cline, whose 164-foot yacht is berthed just yards away from Tiger Woods' 155-foot yacht on Florida's Jupiter Island.

Woods' ship is ironically named "Privacy," as something nearly half as long as a football field certainly isn't built to attract attention. Sources report that the golfer spent the last weekend aboard the boat with his new girlfriend, Olympic downhill skier Lindsey Vonn—so again, not sure the name is working for him. Cline's boat has its own submarine (what! didn't know those were a thing a person could even own, but interesting), and is called "Mine Games," a hint that maybe he was preparing for this type of competition with his dock neighbor all along.

The best thing for the foursome to do is to acknowledge the proximity of the boats, recognize you are all adults that love some cruising, and take that mobile mass of money on water and hightail it out of there.

[Daily Mail, image via Wenn]

AMC Bans Jon Hamm's Dick From the Set of Mad Men

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AMC Bans Jon Hamm's Dick From the Set of Mad MenJon Hamm's penis: everywhere it goes it causes a big hullabaloo. "It's my world," the penis scoffs, studying its reflection in the mounted vanity mirror,"y'all are just living in it."

Now a report says that tensions between Jon Hamm's penis and the cast and crew of Mad Men grew so heated during the filming of season six, a representative for AMC had to intervene and plead with the penis for mercy.

According to the New York Daily News, Jon Hamm "was politely instructed by a staffer at the network" to imprison his penis in a dungeon of underpants while shooting scenes, so that it wouldn't distract from the drama on screen or take someone's eye out. An anonymous "insider" blamed this season's tight, tight trousers:

"This season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination."

Of course, as most insiders (and outsiders) know, the entire Mad Men series has taken place in the 1960s. That's kind of Mad Men's "thing." Maybe this is just the first time Hamm's character will appear on screen wearing pants?

The source added that, during previous seasons, Jon Hamm's captivating penis had to be photoshopped out of promotional shots.

"Imagine how distracting that would be on the side of a bus or building."

A representative for Hamm said the claims were "not really funny at all," and since another word for "not funny" is "serious," we guess that means the situation was very serious indeed.

Since filming ended, the penis has presumably once again been given free reign to freeball.

[NYDN // Image via Getty]

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