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Save a Comrade's Life With Russia's Official Guide to Selfie Safety

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Save a Comrade's Life With Russia's Official Guide to Selfie Safety

Apparently, the people of Russia are so dedicated to selfies and/or eager to welcome death that their “high-risk” selfie poses have caused injuries to hundreds and killed dozens more. Naturally, the Russian government was forced to appeal to the nations’s youth in the only way that made sense: dry, informational pamphlets.

Of course, the accompanying diagrams (to use the word generously) alone can only tell us so much. English speakers are idiots too, after all, so why keep this valuable safe-selfie information secret? We have asked our friend from the east, Russian-bred Dmitriy Kolinov to translate the pamphlets’ hidden wisdom.

Save a Comrade's Life With Russia's Official Guide to Selfie Safety

Save a Comrade's Life With Russia's Official Guide to Selfie Safety

Let’s review some key points:

Can I take selfies in the middle of the street? Russia says “No.” We would like to add, “Don’t stand in the middle of the street in Russia.”

Selfies on train tracks?: Definitely not—if you love your life. Already dead on the inside? Less clear.

Selfies with wild animals?: No! Whether or not it will kill you remains ambiguous, but it will definitely not always turn out cute. In which case, you’re better off dead.

Ok, but are selfies with guns dangerous?: Yes. This is the only one that Russia confirms, yes, will definitely kill you.

What if I’m off the train tracks—but on the train’s roof?: “Another bad idea.”

Voltage selfie?: No! Additionally, voltage anything: No.

And how about a selfie while falling down a cliff?: It’s up to you, says Russia. We say, “Don’t fall down cliffs.”

This has been a Russian selfie safety report.


Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.


Andrew Cuomo Twists the Knife He Inserted Into Bill de Blasio's Agenda

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Andrew Cuomo Twists the Knife He Inserted Into Bill de Blasio's Agenda

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has consistently and petulantly undermined New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio since the mayor took office, but the feud only recently went on the record. Following an Albany legislative session in which Cuomo blatantly denied de Blasio various legislative victories — and cynically attempted to attack the more liberal mayor from “the left” — Cuomo rubbed salt in the legislative wound by delivering a brutally critical appraisal of Mayor de Blasio’s legislative acumen and political savvy. This came in the guise of a Daily News interview with “a top Cuomo administration aide.” (At least, that is what everyone believes, and what the governor has not denied.)

De Blasio, fed up, dispatched with anonymity and criticized Cuomo publicly, accusing the governor of exacting “some kind of revenge or vendetta” on those who challenge him. “I’m here in front of you on record saying what I believe,” he added, for good measure.

A week later, Cuomo has finally responded (on the record), and he has done so in as smarmy and purposefully aggravating a manner as possible. Cuomo simply repeats his previously (anonymously) stated argument that de Blasio is mad because he lost, and he lost because he, unlike Cuomo, doesn’t understand politics.

The bill signing, attended by a host of Assembly Democrats, State Senate Majority Leader John Flanagan and U.S House minority leader Nancy Pelosi, was a set piece designed to highlight Cuomo’s faith in his own method of government, which he repeatedly characterized Tuesday as bipartisan compromise in the spirit of “getting things done.”

“There is something that we have in Albany that you don’t have here in New York City, which is called a Republican house,” Cuomo said. “New York City, it’s basically a City Council that is overwhelmingly Democratic. So you don’t have to deal with those annoying issues of partisanship and getting two sides, two parties to agree. Albany and Washington have legislative bodies that are mixed. And you either compromise or you have gridlock.

Governor Cuomo is, as usual, omitting a rather important piece of context: New York has a Republican Senate in large part because — maybe, at this point, solely because — New York’s governor wants the Senate to be controlled by Republicans.

Voters have voted for a Democratic majority. Sources have told political reporters that Governor Cuomo played an integral role in arranging an alliance between Senate Republicans and a small cadre of Democratic senators who split from the party in order to ensure continued Republican control of the chamber. It’s something of an open secret in Albany that Governor Cuomo doesn’t campaign for Democratic challengers to incumbent Republican senators during election seasons. Governor Cuomo even signed off on a legislative redistricting plan designed to protect incumbent (Republican) senators by freezing their gerrymandered district lines for a decade. Republicans have managed to maintain their Senate majority (a majority they hold by one seat, at the moment) because of the extraordinary work Governor Cuomo has done on their behalf. They owe the Democratic governor a great deal more than they owe their feckless, corrupt party leaders.

Governor Cuomo has a few reasons for wanting to continue working with a Republican Senate. It allows him to appear bipartisan, above-the-fray, and politically savvy when he manages to pass legislation; he gets to act as though he has solved “gridlock.” It allows him to block liberal priorities without having to actually go on the record as opposing liberal priorities. A tertiary benefit is, of course, that it makes it easier for him to infuriate and punish his political enemies — and his political enemies, for the most part, are liberals.

Governor Cuomo knows that everyone who follows New York politics knows that he is responsible for keeping the Republicans in power. When he highlights the role the Republican Senate had in the process, he is telling outsiders that he isn’t to blame while, to insiders, claiming credit — doing a little victory jig, really — for torpedoing Mayor de Blasio’s agenda.

He is doing this strictly to be a dick.

“We all have our own styles and our own comportment and we all see our roles in a certain way,” Governor Cuomo went on to say. It is obviously true that the governor and the mayor see their roles in vastly different ways. But Cuomo and de Blasio don’t have conflicting visions of how politics works. They have conflicting ideas as to what the point of politics is.

Mayor de Blasio’s aim is to achieve political victories in order to advance his (liberal) preferred policy objectives, in support of a mostly coherent and internally consistent ideology and theory of governance. Governor Cuomo’s aim generally seems to be to achieve political victories for the sake of achieving political victories. (Though he is not without his own policy preferences, like the privatization of public education, he is just as likely to obscure those preferences as he is to openly campaign for them.) De Blasio is not some special snowflake politician in this regard: Ronald Reagan was more or less the same type of politician, just as Bill Clinton is much more in line with Cuomo’s governing philosophy.

Cuomo’s “style” means, to use one example, building a bridge simply for the sake of being able to say that he built a bridge, without bothering to determine what sort of bridge would be best, where and how it would make sense to build it, how it should be funded and maintained, and whether or not there might be other transit or transportation-related projects more worthy of so much economic and political capital. Nothing about the way the bridge is being built remotely resembles good government or best practices. But that doesn’t matter, because, hey, a bridge.

Meanwhile, finding money for the MTA’s capital plan — a vital necessity, because New York’s transit system needs millions of dollars of work simply to maintain it, to say nothing of expanding capacity in the face of surging ridership — is politically difficult, and the political “rewards” for doing so are diffuse and will accrue over the long term. So the governor has, breathtakingly, not even pretended to try to come up with a way to fund the maintenance of the largest mass transit system in the nation. The result will almost certainly be staggeringly higher fares, with much of the money going to debt servicing instead of repairs and upgrades, combined with worsening performance.

The Cuomo style has obvious advantages. It makes it much more difficult, for example, to “lose,” when your definition of a “win” is not reliant on advancing a policy goal you prefer. De Blasio is stuck with the definition of “winning” in which he gets what he wants. Cuomo simply wants whatever is achievable. This allows him to perform the classic Internet Trolling technique seen above: Cuomo is mocking de Blasio for caring, like a carelord, and for getting mad. Governor Cuomo is not mad, and he would like to you know that Mayor de Blasio is incapable of making him mad.

It’s a hugely immature and cynical game from a hugely immature and cynical politician. And New York City residents are going to suffer, in real, material terms, because the governor thinks the mayor doesn’t play his stupid game correctly.

Pic via Getty

Chrissy Teigen Enters Ass Photo Arms Race With John Legend Butt Pic

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Chrissy Teigen Enters Ass Photo Arms Race With John Legend Butt Pic

Yesterday, famed butt-haver Justin Bieber posted his Great White Ass on Instagram and today, noted nipple-freer Chrissy Teigen responded with a game theory-approved tit-for-tat strategy, uploading a picture of husband John Legend’s backside.http://defamer.gawker.com/justin-bieber-...

Given her unparalleled expertise with online nudity rules, however, Teigen obscured the most obscene part of the ass (the crack) with an Instagram-approved knee.

Chrissy Teigen Enters Ass Photo Arms Race With John Legend Butt Pic

Who will be the next celebrity to join social media’s exclusive nude-rear club? Hard to say, but the smart money’s on somebody trying (and failing) to send a direct message.

[Image via Instagram]

Weed, Music of Shaggy Secret to Defeating ISIS, Says Shaggy

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Weed, Music of Shaggy Secret to Defeating ISIS, Says Shaggy

In a recent interview, “It Wasn’t Me” singer Shaggy offered a novel strategy for vanquishing ISIS, suggesting that marijuana and reggae music—specifically, that of dancehall artist Shaggy—was all it would take to defeat the terror organization.

“[I]f they’re listening to Shaggy music or reggae music, they’re not going to want to cut somebody’s head off,” said Shaggy in the interview published Monday. From the Miami New Times:

There’re two thing you want to do when you listen to reggae: You get somebody pregnant, or you’re fucking high. High people don’t want to kill nothing; they want to love. They need to bag some Jamaican weed and distribute it amongst ISIS. I guarantee there won’t be any more wars out there.

“Man, it’ll put them in a vibe,” added Mr. Boombastic. “And throw some Bob Marley up in there and there’ll be peace.”

Shaggy, however, believes that it isn’t just terrorists that would benefit from some herbal therapy, telling the paper, “Some of these world leaders need to be stoners though, really.”

[Image via Getty Images]

NYC Settles for $750,000 Over Mistreatment of Inmate's Six-Day Erection

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NYC Settles for $750,000 Over Mistreatment of Inmate's Six-Day Erection

A New York man who says he was rendered impotent after jailers refused to treat his six-day, prescription drug-induced erection settled with the city for $750,000 on Monday, DNAinfo reports.http://gawker.com/suit-man-rende...

According to 51-year-old Rodney Cotton, he was treated “worse than a dog” during his painful ordeal, which began at the Manhattan Detention Complex on July 4, 2011 as a horrific side effect of anti-depression medication. From the NY Post:

Cotton had asked to be taken to a jail clinic, but a guard at the facility, known as The Tombs, told him he’d have to wait until after the holiday weekend.

Desperate, Cotton faked chest pains to get a doctor to see him, only to be given ice packs and Tylenol.

Days later, he was finally taken to Bellevue, and underwent surgery to relieve the swelling. The doctors said the stitches would dissolve on their own. They didn’t, he claims.

The stitches had become embedded in the skin, and no anesthetic was used when they were being removed, Cotton said in his Manhattan Supreme Court suit.

Claiming to have suffered permanent damage to his penis, Cotton says the settlement is still not equal to what he has lost due to sexual dysfunction.

“If I had the choice between the reward and having my manhood restored, I’d have my manhood restored in a heartbeat,” Cotton told the NY Daily News on Monday. “It’s embarrassing. We’re here to create. I can’t perform my duties as a man.”

Asked for comment, a city spokesperson only confirmed that a settlement had been reached, telling the paper, “Settling the case was in the best interest of the city.”

[Image via Getty Images]

Report: Disney World to Remove Bill Cosby Bust From Theme Park

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Report: Disney World to Remove Bill Cosby Bust From Theme Park

According to the Orlando Sentinel, a Walt Disney World spokesperson confirmed on Tuesday that a bronze bust of Bill Cosby would be removed from the resort’s Hollywood Studios theme park after closing today.

The company offered the paper no further comment on the decision, which comes just one day after unsealed court documents revealed Cosby to have admitted to obtaining drugs to “use” on women “he wanted to have sex with.”http://defamer.gawker.com/report-bill-co...

A Change.org petition created several months ago urged Disney World to remove the bust, which stands in the park’s Hall of Fame Plaza alongside other Television Academy Hall of Fame inductees such as Lucille Ball and Walt Disney.

Citing “an individual with knowledge of the removal,” however, The Wrap reports that the decision was made internally and not due to the petition.

[Image via WKMG]

Beer Pong Player Distracts Opponent With Gun, Accidentally Shoots Two

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Beer Pong Player Distracts Opponent With Gun, Accidentally Shoots Two

The rules of beer pong vary from region to region—Is blowing allowed? When can you rerack the cups? What should we pee on and whose dad is getting us all jobs after graduation?—but it’s universally understood that defenders should create a distraction while their opponents are shooting. That distraction probably shouldn’t be a gun, though.

A Chicago-area man is charged with recklessly discharging a firearm after he started waving a 9mm semiautomatic around during a Fourth of July beer pong match, DNAInfo Chicago reports. Manus Shannon, 27, was apparently trying to distract his opponent, but accidentally fired the gun when the other man pushed him away. He hit the opponent in the finger, and another man who was texting nearby—and wasn’t involved in the pong game—in the shoulder.

The victims drove themselves to a nearby hospital and are in stable condition. Shannon is being held on $100,000 bail and, depending on local regulations, may be required to drink one cup of beer due to an illegal block.

[Photo: Chicago PD]

Internet Racists Are Obsessed With Nickelodeon's Show About "Cuckoldry"

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Internet Racists Are Obsessed With Nickelodeon's Show About "Cuckoldry"

You’ve probably never heard of Bella and the Bulldogs, a relatively new show on Nickelodeon about a perky cheerleader-turned-quarterback. It’s fairly popular among tweens and has just been renewed for a second season. It’s also popular among infuriated, far right-wing racists, who have become positively obsessed with the show’s supposedly anti-white “race cuckoldry.”

Officially, and according to Nickelodeon, this is what Bella and the Bulldogs is about:

Middle schooler Bella Dawson left her life as a popular cheerleader behind to join the Bulldogs as their new star quarterback. Trading in her pom-poms for a pigskin was a total dream come true, but now Bella must find a balance between football and her cheerleading BFFs. Does she have what it takes to overcome the doubters and lead her team to victory, without compromising who she is? And what will happen when those worlds collide?

And this is what one of the internet’s many frenzied, far-right-wing white supremacists claims it’s about:

Bella and the Bulldogs, besides promoting anti-white (and consequently pro-black (heh)) race cucking, wallows in a panoply of filth and lies. Ridiculous grrlpower fantasy? Check. Weak whytes? Check. Evil redneck whites? Check. Numinous negros? Check. Transgenderism? Good lordnbutter, we may have to check that one off too.

Which is mostly nonsensical bullshit. The basic idea is that Jonathan C. Butler, one of the show’s co-creators, is trying to inject interracial cuckold fetishism into the minds of America’s youth. The bulk of the proof for this relies on the fact that Butler had once written a movie called The Cuckold, which actually does explore this particular fetish, in which black men will have sex with white women while their (typically white) husbands look on. So of course, he must be trying to brainwash the kids.

Still unconvinced? Here, this diagram should help.

Internet Racists Are Obsessed With Nickelodeon's Show About "Cuckoldry"

You know, or not.

This objectively insane theory has been slowly gaining steam amongst the various ultra-conservative, ultra-racist, right-wing message boards scattered across the internet. So, inevitably, it ended up on The Daily Stormer, a blog born of the aggressively racist and unfortunately thriving message-board Stormfront.

The Daily Stormer posted the body of the petition, which “asks Nickelodeon to stop marketing cuckold fetishism, as well as other forms of sexual fetishism (foot fetishism, for example) to children.” But because petitions can only do so much, the online, pro-eugenics equivalent of a poorly produced zine also asks readers to troll and harass these child actors, forcing them “to explain why they are a part of this sickening production.”

So now, white supremacists are doing everything in their power to get the show cancelled—which essentially translate to making a whole bunch of shitty YouTube videos and poorly-produced images.

They’re also grasping at any lick of evidence that might possibly further their cause, which makes it hard to believe that this could be anything other than bad satire. For instance, one post on Reddit’s /r/CoonTown titled “When you see it..... :Bella and the Bulldog Edition” points to this:

Internet Racists Are Obsessed With Nickelodeon's Show About "Cuckoldry"

A screenshot of the main character, her football coach, and a baby with an “x” through it that is apparently supposed to imply... something. But whatever it is, it was enough to set one commenter off on a tirade about the Jews (the owners of Hollywood and, consequently, the stewards of this liberal smut).

The most subtle one I’ve seen is the white girl wearing two key necklaces around her neck: Black and white keys. Guess which one was bigger.

It’s genuinely fucking creepy that anyone would have the time or dedication to come up with bullshit like this.

You know, I’ve been thinking about all this and it never really occurred to me, but are the Jews trying to get us back for WWII for some reason?

I always assumed since America was the country that, you know, ended the Holocaust, that we were legitimate allies. But stuff like this make me think that on some sort of primal level, they may just see all white people as the enemy, period.

So it certainly seems like a good majority of the people ranting and raving do actually believe in the bullshit they’re spewing. Whether or not the whole movement started out sincerely, though, is debatable. The discussions of latent cuckoldry appear to have originated on 4chan’s /pol/ and /tv/ boards, and, as we know, 4chan has a habit of trolling anyone prone to hysteria—or more accurately, just anyone at all.

Internet Racists Are Obsessed With Nickelodeon's Show About "Cuckoldry"

And as is often the case, this one did at least (seemingly) start out with the intent of being a joke.

Internet Racists Are Obsessed With Nickelodeon's Show About "Cuckoldry"

But then this happened.

Internet Racists Are Obsessed With Nickelodeon's Show About "Cuckoldry"

People took the idea and ran with it. As far as they possibly could. For instance, there’s really no question about the sincerity of the guy who made the video below. Especially considering that his YouTube channel’s back catalogue contains such titles as “Feminism will never cure your emptiness” and “Cry the Patriarchy Away.”

There’s even an eminently depressing hashtag, #CancelBella, which is often paired with some combination of #AntiWhite, #WhiteGenocide, and our favorite catch-all of all, #tcot.

Once again, as you can see above, the connections they’re attempting to draw are wildly tenuous at best. Still, for good measure, I asked Nickelodeon the question that was on absolutely no sensible human’s mind.

On Mon, Jul 6, 2015 at 8:04 PM, Feinberg, Ashley wrote:

Hi David,

I’m a reporter for Gawker, and in doing some research lately, it seems that a lot of far-right-wing conservatives have been finding allusions to racially-charged cuckoldry in Bella and the Bulldogs.

Can you comment on whether or not Bella and the Bulldogs is endorsing cuckoldry?

________________________________________

On Mon, Jul 6, 2015 at 8:04 PM, Bittler, David wrote:

Hi Ashley, how are you?

This is exactly what the show is about:

Bella and the Bulldogs is a kids’ sitcom centered on a group of friends in middle school who play on a football team.

Which, after watching a few episodes myself, I can wholeheartedly confirm to be true. I can also confirm that it is an awful, awful show, even by kid’s standards. And that that—at least for those of sound mind—is the only even remotely offensive thing about it.


Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.


Why Speaking In Public Makes You Panic

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Ever wonder why the thought of giving a talk at work makes you sweat? Panicking before a performance may seem like a major nuisance in the modern world. But it’s all part of the fight-or-flight response, which has hardwired itself into our brains through millions of years of evolution.

When our ancestors on the African savannah confronted a dangerous predator, they needed to be able to charge up and flee as quickly as possible. That’s why our brains developed a way of kickstarting our adrenal glands, upping our heart rate, and allowing us to expend a burst of energy really, really fast.

So, next time the thought of giving your boss a quarterly report makes your stomach twist into knots, don’t feel bad. To your brain, he’s just another hungry lion.

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

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This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we get invited to Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s secret wedding, attend after signing a very strict NDA, have the time of our lives dancing with Courtney Cox and Frances McDormand, and keep our mouths shut about it until right now. This week: Jennifer Aniston got married and I was the officiant, Kylie is the new Kim, Jennifer Garner and Kourtney Kardashian were both cheated on, and Caitlyn Jenner is almost as in love as Jennifer Aniston.

“C’mon N’ Ride It (The Train)“ just came on, so let’s dance.


Life & Style

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

IT’S OFFICIAL! JEN IS...FINALLY MARRIED!

Jennifer Aniston, the woman who has been looking for a new heart since Brad Pitt ripped hers out in 2005 and fed it to Angelina Jolie, is officially married and happy again! Wow. Can you believe it? I know I can’t, but it’s the truth! She and Justin Theroux got married in a secret ceremony “earlier this summer” after hashing out a “$170 million prenup.” The wedding was held in the “backyard of their $21 million Bel Air mansion” was small, and their “A-list” guests were “sworn to secrecy.” Looks like one of them blabbered, because here we are. Anyway, they didn’t have bridesmaids or groomsmen—they just stood there alone with some “mutual” friend who had been ordained for the occasion. It was me. I was the mutual friend. Mazel tov, my good buddies!

Miley Cyrus is “hooked on pills”! Though she claims she’s lost weight recently due to a vegan diet, sources say it’s really because of her dependence on “her new friend: downers.” She’s “hooked on the prescription antianxiety med Xanax... and has been taking it every day for a year now.” An insider says “I’ve seen her take it multiple times per day.” Experts (which experts?) are worried Miley will begin mixing the Xanax with other drugs and take “a fatal or excessive amount.” Meanwhile, Miley thinks “She’s invincible and this stuff will never catch up to her.”

Khloe Kardashian is “quitting TV to save Lamar” Odom. Sources told Life & Style that Odom has been using black tar heroin since April, and they’ve even got the EXCLUSIVE photos of a black American Express card with Lamar’s name on it surrounded by some junk. The pics are annotated with explanations like “Burnt tinfoil and straw, indicting drug use” and “Lamar’s credit card scorched from drug use” and, of course “Black tar heroin.”

Khloe has been “talking to him nearly every day, his friend says, and is willing to do whatever it takes to help him—even leaving reality TV behind forever.

And Also:

  • Cameron Diaz is “desperate for a baby.”
  • Jason Hoppy told Bethenny Frankel that if she keeps talking about him, he’ll sue.
  • Bella Thorne is dating two guys at the same time and I’m still bored.
  • Portia doesn’t want Ellen to get plastic surgery because she doesn’t want HER to be ridiculed like SHE was.
  • NeNe Leakes was fired from RHOA because she’s a “diva.” Classic.
  • Chrissy Teigen is ready to have John Legend’s baby.
  • Joe Jonas and Gigi Hadid’s relationship is “intense.”
  • I’m not going to be happy unless I see all of you wearing straw hats this week.

Wrong Answer:

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

Grade: D+ (Joe Jonas and Gigi Hadid go on a date and you’re the third wheel.)


OK!

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

KYLIE: I’M THE NEW KIM

Kylie Jenner (17) was, up until now, just Kylie Jenner. But, beginning today, she is the New Kim Kardashian, which means Kim Kardashian (34) is now the Old Kim Kardashian. According to OK!, The New Kim Kardashian has spent $2 million to look like The Old Kim Kardashian, and will do “whatever it takes to snatch her sister’s crown.” A source says The New Kim Kardashian’s wardrobe “is an almost exact replica of [The Old Kim Kardashian’s]” and that “[The New Kim Kardashian] purposefully copies her big sister, in the hopes that she can prove that she wore it better.” Next up for The New Kim Kardashian: a sex tape with Tyga (once she turns 18, of course).

Previously on “Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence Are Maybe A Thing”:

  • Jen moved in to Chris’s LA house.
  • Jen and Chris broke up because Chris is in love with Kylie Minogue.
  • Chris said he and Kylie are just friends.
  • Chris and Jen got back together.

OK, now you’re caught up. So, Jen is currently looking for an NYC apartment for the two of them. Her budget is $8 million (which means her House Hunters realtor is probably only finding her places for $13 million), and she wants “four or five bedrooms.” Know what that means? It means she’s “seeking enough space for occasional visits from Chris’s two kids, Apple and Moses.” She’s also (somehow) “agreed to live in TriBeCa, the downtown neighborhood where Chris’s ex-wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, resides.” Hey Netflix! That’s a sitcom! That’s a sitcom that would run for 10 seasons minimum. It could be called Jen & Gwyn and the posters for it would be them posing cross-armed next to each other with “Toot toot! Ahhhh, beep beep!” written in Helvetica underneath them.

Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are probably going to break up. I know, I know, that’s like saying the concept of love is dead for the rest of time, but you gotta believe me/OK!: It’s over. They’re “worlds apart” now and “all the differences between them have risen to the surface.” Anna is stressed out now that Chris Pratt is so unbelievably famous and starring in Jurassic World, while she’s only just normal famous. And Chris is going around making jokes about their “unequal fame.” A source says “when a friend complimented them on their home decor in front of a bunch of people recently, Chris laughed and said he was the reason they could afford an awesome interior designer... he thought he was being funny, but Anna looked like she was about to burst into tears.” See ya later, love. You were fun while you lasted!

Amber Alert:

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

And Also:

  • Khloe Kardashian is going to the The Bachelorette next season!
  • Jennifer Aniston and Selena Gomez are best friends now.
  • Ryan Gosling is “geeky and socially awkward” and “hasn’t made any close friends in 20 years.”
  • Jay-Z doesn’t know how to work his Tesla.
  • Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have moved in together, and Karlie Kloss hasn’t stopped screaming since.
  • Rumer Willis is in love with Maeve Reilly.
  • Liam Hemsworth is in love with Maika Monroe.
  • Who is Maeve Reilly?
  • Who is Maika Monroe?

Grade: D- (Chris Pratt and Anna Faris go on a date and you’re the third wheel and all they do is fight.)


inTouch

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

JEN & KOURTNEY GET REVENGE AS...BREAKUPS TURN NASTY

Jennifer Garner and Kourtney Kardashian are starring in a real-life buddy revenge comedy. Oh wait! Nope. Never mind. This was just another instance of one of the weekly tabloids using a headline that has nothing to do with the actual story. Would you like the actual gossip? Because it’s not the remake of The First Wives Club I thought it would be. 1. Ben Affleck left Jennifer Garner because he wants to get back together with Jennifer Lopez, even though she’s reportedly dating old flame Casper Smart. 2. Scott Disick left Kourtney Kardashian because he wants to get back together with Chloe Bartoli. I’m over all of this.

S O U N D T H E A L A R M S !

Sandra Bullock and Jon Hamm are more in love than two people have ever been, and Hamm’s long-time partner Jennifer Westfeldt is now completely out of the picture. Yep. It’s Hamm and Sandra now. Good old Hamm Sandy. That’s what we’ll call them: Hamm Sandy. I could go for a Hamm Sandy right now, on toasted wheat, with mayo mustard and cheddar. Served smokin’ hot—just like the real Hamm Sandy.

And Also:

  • Sean Penn is DESPERATE for Robin Wright to take him back. And I’m DESPERATE to see his sad texts.
  • Mariah Carey is on “the fast track” to marrying That Billionaire.
  • Brandi Glanville is certain Kyle Richards can’t sue her.
  • Caitlyn Jenner changed outfits three times on June 30th. WHAT A DIVA.
  • Nicki Minaj ONLY uses Charmin Ultra and Quilted Northern.
  • Ramona Singer ONLY drinks Ramona Pinot Grigio.
  • If you don’t wear ONLY cobalt blue, you don’t deserve any Ramona Pinot Grigio.

Wrong Answer:

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

Grade: C- (Mariah Carey and That Billionaire go on a date and you’re the third wheel and have to watch them feed each other.)


Star

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

CAITLYN JENNER: I’M IN LOVE

Caitlyn Jenner is in love and doesn’t care who knows it. “During a recent visit” to New York, she was “in the company of gorgeous transgender actress Candis Cayne.” (Get it?) Sources say “they sparkles when they first met,” and that they had “an amazing chemistry.” They’ve been spotted together being “touchy feely,” going “clothes shopping,” and “sharing a limo together” on their way to see An American In Paris on Broadway. As expected, Kris Jenner is P.O.’d to the max. “She’s wildly jealous of the attention her ex is getting, and the fact that Caitlyn has been keeping time with an incredibly sexy younger woman is driving Kris up the wall! Seriously. Candis is 10 times hotter than Kris ever was.” Oh dang, anonymous source!

Kate and Oliver Hudson are going through a “family nightmare” right now. You know the story: Oliver posted a photo of him and Kate posing next to their biological father as children with the caption “Happy abandonment day.” Then Bill Hudson got mad and said “I no longer recognize Oliver and Kate as my own.” He claims “Goldie poisoned them against [him]” and that he “never walked away.” Well, wait, actually there’s no new information in this story. It’s the same stuff we’ve already heard, but spread over two pages filled with photos of Goldie and Kate looking shocked. Oh, whatever. The main takeaway is that Kurt Russell is a good person. We should all aspire to be more like Kurt Russell.

Hmmmmmmmmm:

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

And Also:

  • Ruby Rose is “close with one of the biggest club owners and drug lords in Sydney.
  • Mel Gibson has a “secret girlfriend” who is younger than his youngest child.
  • Iggy Azalea called something else off: her engagement!
  • Jack Antonoff might call off his relationship to Lena Dunham.
  • Kristen Stewart’s girlfriend controls her entire life.
  • Suicide Squad producers control Cara Delevingne’s bedtime.
  • Jenna Dewan is jealous of Channing Tatum. Meanwhile, a lot of people are jealous of Jenna Dewan.

Wrong Answer:

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

Grade: F (Lena Dunham and Jack Antonoff go on a date and you’re the third wheel and then Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris show up and sit on the single remaining chair together and you say, “Taylor do you just want to use my chair? I think I should leave anyway.” And she accepts, so you leave, and then Taylor asks, “Who was that?” and Lena responds, “I don’t know.”)

Appendix:

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

Fig. 1 - InTouch

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

Fig. 2 - OK!

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

Fig. 3 - Life & Style

This Week in Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Married As Hell Right Now

Fig. 4 - Star


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Three hours and 38 minutes after trading was suspended because of a technical glitch, the New York S

Hmmmm Is Teen Mystic Jaden Smith Really 17?

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Hmmmm Is Teen Mystic Jaden Smith Really 17?

Seventeen years (?) ago today—on July 8, 1998—Jaden Christopher Syre Smith revealed his existence to us. In that short time, Jaden has bestowed a lifetime’s worth of wisdom to his devoted, and ever-growing, faction of true believers: prana energry, high level imagimathematics (a.k.a. “Patterns, boom!), The Orgonite Society, and spirit science.

All of which begs the question: Is Jaden Smith really 17 or some supernatural age beyond our regular-brained comprehension?

Popular history credits Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith as Jaden’s parents. But what if this is not true? What if Jaden was transported to us from a distant planet? (Like Jupiter? Yes!) What if everything you thought you knew about Jaden was a lie and he was really sent to bring us closer to total enlightenment?

No mere 17-year-old kid human contains knowledge this vast:

I think that there is that special equation for everything, but I don’t think our mathematics have evolved enough for us to even—I think there’s, like, a whole new mathematics that we’d have to learn to get that equation ... It’s beyond mathematical. It’s, like, multidimensional mathematical, if you can sort of understand what I’m saying.

True.

Most Trees Are Blue

True.

Yeah Whatever Your Still Not As Cool As North.

Lol. So true.

Because your mind has a duality to it. So when one thought goes into your mind, it’s not just one thought, it has to bounce off both hemispheres of the brain. When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple. It’s a tool for understanding mathematics and things with two separate realities. But for creativity: That comes from a place of oneness. That’s not a duality consciousness. And you can’t listen to your mind in those times — it’ll tell you what you think and also what other people think.

True.

All Of Your Idols Are Going To Start Writing Their Own Articles, And These Uninformed “Journalists” Will Become Obsolete.

Definitely true.

It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds. But it’s also such a thing that you can get lost in.

True.

There Is No Dress.

True.

222

Probably true.

Hmmmmmmm. Makes you think.

However old you really are, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JADEN.

    [Image via AP]

    Bill Murray Left No Trace at the Grateful Dead Show

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    Bill Murray Left No Trace at the Grateful Dead Show

    Was Bill Murray the dopest person in the 70,000-strong crowd at the Grateful Dead’s last concert Sunday? Obviously that’s hard to quantify, but I’d argue yeah, no doubt.

    Via Page Six, America’s Sweet Prince raged his cute little face off during the show, then “stayed late and helped the stadium cleaning crew at the end of the night!” The bottle was dusty but Soldier Field, she was clean, man.

    Do you think “former NBA player blocking your view” and “Grateful Dead superfan” Bill Walton ever bothered to do that? Lol. No.


    Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

    Obama's First Visit to Pentagon Briefing Room In Three Years Is Crap

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    Obama's First Visit to Pentagon Briefing Room In Three Years Is Crap

    Obama’s visit to the Pentagon Monday, his first in three years, is admittedly savvy political maneuvering by a president intent on securing his legacy before campaign season begins in earnest. Making a show of force before heading off on vacation, Obama ascended Olympus not as a supplicant, but rather Zeus overlooking his many, many ongoing operations abroad. The grandstanding, however, fell flat.

    In the face of unfailing criticism of the president’s strategy (or lack thereof) regarding ISIS, this piece of showmanship only served to reinforce that the president’s actions in the Middle East continue to flounder in the cesspool of confused strategy. So he can strut into the building as commander-in-chief and lead the charge, but like most who charge, paying the bill will most likely be left for another day.

    With an unusually high turnover of top commanders occurring this summer, the Pentagon faces an interesting and rocky road over the upcoming months. Defense Secretary Ash Carter (also relatively new) is already against the ropes this week after disclosing that a $500 million program meant to train Syrian soldiers has only produced 60 candidates this year. Yesterday, Senator John McCain, said, “Our means and our current level of effort are not aligned with our ends. That suggests we are not winning, and when you are not winning in war, you are losing.” McCain, Chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, has long been vociferously critical of the president’s decisions regarding ISIS—and while he’s wrong that more of anything will change things, he’s not wrong in calling out Obama for commanding a disaster.

    Everyday the chairman or vice chairman or another key uniformed adviser of the Joint Chiefs visits the White House. And there are military people galore assigned to the White House and National Security staff. So the question isn’t why the president took three years to make an appearance, it’s why he chose to go at all? Is he seeking to solidify his standing as Commander in Chief? After the round of airstrikes that occurred in Syria and Iraq last week, is he taking stock or making some argument? Fighting over Russia? War with Iran?

    Maybe Obama just knew that today’s end of times was coming before the rest of us. Or they were planning it. You decide.

    [Image via Getty.]


    Contact the author at sultana.khan@gawker.com.

    Baltimore Mayor Fires Police Commissioner 

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    Baltimore Mayor Fires Police Commissioner 

    Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake announced that she fired Baltimore police commissioner Anthony W. Batts this afternoon, three months after Freddie Gray died in police custody. Deputy Police Commissioner Kevin Davis will replace Batts on an interim basis.

    No reason was given for the firing, homicides in Baltimore are up 48 percent so far this year, according to the Associated Press. Earlier Wednesday, the city’s police union, the Fraternal Order of Police Lodge 3, released a critical report about the department’s response to the riots following Gray’s death, though Mayor Rawlings-Blake emphasized that her decision had nothing to do with the FOP’s findings.


    Contact the author at taylor@gawker.com.


    500 Days of Kristin, Day 164: God Only Knows If Kristin Is More Stylish

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    500 Days of Kristin, Day 164: God Only Knows If Kristin Is More Stylish

    Kristin Cavallari, whose debut book Balancing in Heels (f.k.a Balancing on Heels) is due out in 346 days, is even more stylish than we thought—according to the “we” who work at People.com. In a recent blog post titled, “9 Reasons Kristin Cavallari Is Even More Stylish Than We Thought,” the magazine website lays out its dubious case.

    Is she? Even more stylish? Than we (they?) thought? Let’s consult the evidence.

    500 Days of Kristin has been counting down People.com’s reasons for many, many days now in an effort to consider the individual merits of each. Here are the first eight:

    1. “She’s getting ready for long hair again.”
    2. “She’s not superstitious about her game day outfit (or meal!)”
    3. “Her sons are really starting to get into game day style.”
    4. “She thinks NFL fans need to get more involved in Pinterest.”
    5. “She’s still holding on to her first pair of Loubs.”
    6. “There’s one red carpet dress she really regrets.”
    7. “Jay picks out all his pre-game suits.”
    8. “And he’s very honest when it comes to her wardrobe.”

    Amazing that someone at People.com was able to come up with all of those, and yet, there is one more.

    Are you ready?

    Here it is:

    “She’s almost done writing her new lifestyle book, Balancing on Heels.

    A note before we discuss: This final “reason” has been rendered technically inaccurate by the fact that it’s taken us weeks to count down all of People.com’s reasons, during which time Kristin’s life has moved forward. Kristin is actually done writing her book now, according to Kristin, and she’s calling it Balancing in Heels, not Balancing on Heels (which was the original title—please do not forget that this was the original title).

    That being said, here’s what Kristin had to say to People.com about being almost done writing her book back when she was almost done writing her book (NB: If she wrote her book like she “writes” her app posts, she probably finished in 2005):

    I’m really, really excited for it. It’s been a lot, to be honest, but it’s been fun. The book has been great just because I can write whenever I want, and I typically write during naptime or after the boys go to bed, or Jay has taken the boys and watched them and given me a couple of hours in the afternoon to write, which has been really helpful. I’ve found it to be incredibly therapeutic, and I’m really excited for everyone to read it in the next year and have a peek inside my life.

    Nice to know that Kristin is getting the therapy she needs, but the big question remains:

    Is Kristin even more stylish than we thought?

    If the answer is not yet apparent to you, please consult your local religious leader or a trusted adult.


    This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

    [Photos via Getty]

    Video Appears to Show Terrifying Encounter With a Large Tornado in Italy

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    Two videos posted to Facebook this afternoon appear to show an Italian’s intense run-in with a large tornado that tore through the northeastern town of Mira, a community near the coast of the Adriatic Sea just a couple of miles west of Venice. The tornado tore apart buildings and pelted the car with debris as one occupant inside dutifully recorded the dangerous encounter.

    The videos, which were filmed in portrait mode (UGH) and posted to the social media site by Carlotta Menegazzo (1, 2), depict a large, cone tornado as it destroyed homes, businesses, and mowed down trees near the town of 40,000. A large amount of debris is seen swirling through the air and smacking into the ground and the car, including a gas station that’s heavily damaged just a few feet in front of the vehicle.

    Video Appears to Show Terrifying Encounter With a Large Tornado in Italy

    As of the publication of this post, no news organizations have picked up stories of damage or casualties as a result of this severe weather outbreak, but weather models and satellite imagery lend authenticity to the video as there were strong to severe thunderstorms in the area at the time. The infrared satellite image above from 12:00 PM EDT, or 6:00 PM in Venice, shows a strong storm over the region around the time Menegazzo says in a Facebook comment that she encountered the tornado.

    Even though it gives us great visuals, Menegazzo and those in the vehicle with her were entirely too close to that tornado. The safest distance between you and a tornado is as far away as humanly possible—even weak tornadoes can toss cars around like toys, and the trauma that cars sustain in twisters doesn’t usually bode well for the occupants inside.

    Video Appears to Show Terrifying Encounter With a Large Tornado in Italy

    Tornadoes are not uncommon in Europe, especially in areas like northern Italy where the right combination of instability and wind shear can come together to trigger violent thunderstorms like ones we would see here in the United States. The above map shows all of the areas of the world where tornadoes commonly occur—in addition to the United States and parts of Mexico and Canada, other hotbeds of tornadic activity include Bangladesh (which is basically the Oklahoma of Asia when it comes to severe storms), South Africa, Australia, and portions of central and eastern Europe.

    [Videos: Carlotta Menegazzo, combined into one video by the author | Images: Weather Underground, NCDC | Edited the headline after publication for clarity.]


    You can follow the author on Twitter or send him an email.

    Big Manager Appears to Knock the Hell Out of Small Panera Employee

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    A tipster just sent us the video above, which appears to show a (large, male) manger at a Manhattan Panera Bread location punching the hell out of a (small, female) unruly employee.

    Our tipster tells us he recorded this video (which has now been verified by the company—see the statement at the bottom of this post) around 12:30 this afternoon at the Panera on Park Avenue and 23rd Street in Manhattan. At around the seven second mark of the video, you can hear the woman slap the man; at about the 12 second mark, he hits her back, hard. The tipster writes:

    We walked in, in the middle of her quitting her job mid shift. She was yelling at a different manager than the one who hit her and was throwing some bags of chips on the ground, threatening to turn up in this bitch, etc. Really nothing I haven’t seen before or wouldn’t expect from someone who has to work at a fucking Panera all day.

    Then out of nowhere white shirt manager approaches her and immediately gets physical with her, keep in mind she’s about 5’2 at most and he was bigger than me... He legit threw her down a flight of stairs and out the front door for really no reason, she runs around to the other entrance to retaliate and that’s where the video starts. You might wanna say she hit him first, but really he had FULL CONTROL over her the entire time, was throwing her around, I think she gets one slap in that was louder than it was painful, then he half punches her once, she spins, and then he REALLY FUCKING PUNCHES her. You can even hear me and my friend yell DON’T HIT HER just before it... I checked on her for a while after the cops left, she seemed ok, she kept saying he really got her in the ear mostly which I know stings like a bitch. She was bleeding a little, and had cuts on her hands but she seemed ok after the adrenaline wore off.

    We emailed Panera, and we’ll update if we hear from them.

    UPDATE: A Panera spokesperson tells us: “Today there were reports of a physical altercation between two associates at our Park Avenue South bakery-cafe. We have a zero tolerance policy for violence and worked swiftly with authorities to investigate. The associates who were determined to be involved no longer work for Panera.”

    Jason Biggs Fucked a Pie and Then Got This Sweet-Ass House

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    Jason Biggs Fucked a Pie and Then Got This Sweet-Ass House

    What do you think fucking a pie can get you? A lasting career in the illustrious film industry? Not quite. The lifelong respect of your peers? I’ve got news for you, buckaroo. The eternal adoration of your family? *That thing where Larry David makes this face* Well, how does a pristine home at the foot of the Beverly Hills sound?

    You may remember the actor Jason Biggs, from when he fucked the titular Yankee pie in American Pie, and then did several other things after that, perhaps even dozens of things. Now it’s 2015, and Jason Biggs is getting on with his life, as we all are. He sold his house. I would buy the shit out of this house. (If I had approximately $2.56 million.)

    Here is a view of Los Angeles, from the vantage point of Jason Biggs’ old house. Will this work? This will work.

    Jason Biggs Fucked a Pie and Then Got This Sweet-Ass House

    Jason Biggs just sitting on this long wood porch gazing out at Los Angeles’ champagne sky with not a care in the world. Fucked a pie, now look where he is. Or was. I’d like to be there.

    Is this living room décor my thing exactly? No. It’s far from it. Do I want to lounge in this room forever? Nonetheless I do.

    Jason Biggs Fucked a Pie and Then Got This Sweet-Ass House

    Could this bedroom use a hand? It could use a thousand hands, each making this room look like something other than this room. Would I do whatever it takes to sleep in this bedroom for just one night?

    I would do anything.

    Jason Biggs Fucked a Pie and Then Got This Sweet-Ass House

    I’ve seen better pools. We all have. I’m not trying to sell you a bill of goods here. But.......

    Jason Biggs Fucked a Pie and Then Got This Sweet-Ass House

    ...anyone got a pie?


    Contact the author at jordan@gawker.com.

    The Worst Places to Go in New York This Summer

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    The Worst Places to Go in New York This Summer

    In the summer, Manhattan doesn’t just smell like garbage—it is actual garbage. If you’re stuck in the city while all your friends escape to their share-house hellholes and parents’ country houses, it’s easy to fall for the city’s summer siren call. Outdoor drinking, yoga in the park, free movie screenings, it all sounds so wonderful, right? Sure, I guess—there’s no accounting for taste.

    Here are some things your friends will inevitably ask you do. I highly recommend declining, but hey, what do I know?

    Rooftop Bars

    A fabulous time, if you were hoping to spend your night waiting in line for a small elevator. If you stick it out long enough, the bouncers might even let you push through a huge crowd of people blocking the bar, but hey, you’ll be doing it with a view (of all the homes of the New Jersey residents blocking your way). Alternatively, you could just do shots at home with the window open.

    Serendipity 3

    So cute! So romantic! So awful! The food is blander than Jennifer Aniston at any given moment, and the yokels still line up around the block. Here’s a newflash, free of charge: Frrrrrozen Hot Chocolates are just milkshakes, but not as good.

    Coney Island

    If you’re looking for used needles, have I got the spot for you.

    The Gym

    Summer’s already half over so maybe just give up on those beach bod fantasies. Let’s be honest: you could spend all day on the elliptical and not look any better than you do right now, so why even bother?

    Williamsburg

    Williamsburg operates like an idiot safari park. You can roll down your windows, but probably best to stay inside the cab with the doors locked.

    Movie Screenings at Bryant Park

    Isn’t life grand? We’re going to have a picnic while we watch a movie in the park! No you’re not. You’re going to literal hell, and that’s true even if you like being near strangers. Stay home and watch Bravo or something.

    Dominique Ansel, Home of the Cronut

    The only point of getting up early to wait on a goddamn line for a croissant-doughnut hybrid is to post about it on Instagram afterwards, and honestly, you’re not cool enough to make that look good. I mean, you look like you just got off a Sex and the City tour bus. Omg you did, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it.

    La Esquina

    New York’s hottest hidden restaurant is La Esquina, a well-meaning idiot may tell you, possibly by mistake. Enter through the low-key storefront and look for someone who won’t make eye contact with you: she’s your hostess. She’ll escort you to a private elevator and through the kitchen to your table. Why? Why the fuck not. Maybe to distract you from the fact that this Mexican restaurant serves a teeny plate of avocado slices and cabbage instead of guacamole. They’ve been doing it for years, and they’re still getting away with it! Honestly, I have almost a begrudging respect for this racket.

    Free Concerts in Prospect Park

    There’s a concert happening, but you can’t hear it... Is that a drunk teen peeing on a tree? Finally, some entertainment.

    The Highline

    For when you want to walk through a boring park, but higher in the air, and you can’t really walk, because it’s so crowded with tourists.

    Shake Shack at Madison Square Park

    OK to be fair, Shake Shack is fine. A passable burger. But really, it’s not worth the line. And it’s not special anymore. I mean, there’s a goddamn Shake Shack in Moscow, not to mention New Jersey. Also, the fries suck. Just go to JG Melon’s.

    Public Pools

    Ick.

    Hotels with Pools

    Good place to buy cocaine (I’ve heard), terrible place to swim. You generally have to be a guest to even get in, and I promise you, there’s pee in the water.

    Home

    I’m so bored!! It’s so nice out! Let’s do something!!!! Wanna try a rooftop bar?


    Image of my own personal hell via AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

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