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Heather Thomson Quitting Real Housewives; Come Back, Heather--Hollaaaa!!

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Heather Thomson Quitting Real Housewives; Come Back, Heather--Hollaaaa!!

Shapewear mogul and Real Housewife of New York City Heather “Holla” Thomson is quitting the show after three seasons, according to Us Weekly. A source tells the mag our favorite Berkshires native can’t handle the drama any longer. Heather, no—stay strong! Drama is what gives you life—Holla!

Per Us Weekly’s source:

She wants to focus full-time on her business, Yummie, her family, and expanding into the health and nutrition arena.

The cons of doing the show far outweigh the pros at this point, and what the show has become don’t fit what she wants to be doing. She did it to promote her business and it devolved into ridiculous fights over the ridiculous antics of some unstable women.

Yes, it’s true: Heather’s shapewear company is called Yummie, f.k.a. Yummie Tummie. As she will tell you and fellow housewife Sonja Morgan many times, over and over again, until you would buy 10,000 of whatever Spanx knockoff bra she is selling just to make her close for mouth for one second—Holla!—she is a true entrepreneur and fashion designer and we could all benefit from her business acumen.

What will the rest of the cast do without Heather next season? Realistically they will be fine: Dorinda has the better Berkshires house, anyway. Holla!

RIP.


Photo via Getty. Contact the author at allie@gawker.com.


Here’s to Another 20 Years of Underpaid and Soul-Crushing Work at Amazon

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Here’s to Another 20 Years of Underpaid and Soul-Crushing Work at Amazon

In honor of America’s new Christmas, “Amazon Prime Day,” please take a moment to reflect on how the now-20-year-old Amazon got here: by treating many of its employees like shit.

Over the years, we have published quite a few emails from employees inside Amazon—including warehouse workers, who pick and pack and ship all of the crap we buy, sales reps, and white collar workers in Amazon offices. Today is a fitting day to review what they have told us.

Warehouse Workers

Amazon warehouse workers are treated like “a dumb child” http://gawker.com/amazon-warehou...

“No one on my hire team lasted more than four monthshttp://gawker.com/as-amazon-stru...

Amazon steals employees’ time without compensationhttp://gawker.com/amazon-is-a-ti...

“So now you’re about 3 to 4 hours in and of course you don’t get paid for any of that time it took to get hired.”http://gawker.com/what-is-life-l...

“The company doesn’t care.” http://gawker.com/a-few-more-tru...

Cogs describe the machinehttp://gawker.com/amazon-insider...

Working the “zombie apocalyptic” Christmas season at Amazonhttp://gawker.com/christmas-at-a...

Office Workers

“It was the single worst working experience in my 20 year career.” http://gawker.com/working-at-ama...

Jeff Bezos, cult leaderhttp://gawker.com/inside-amazons...

“Amazon is an amazing company. As long as you don’t work here.” http://gawker.com/i-do-not-know-...

Amazon’s Kafkaesque “Performance Improvement Plans” http://gawker.com/inside-amazons...

“I refuse to go back.” http://gawker.com/at-amazon-even...

Customer Service Agents

“Most employees are so stressed that they are getting sick.” http://gawker.com/the-lamentatio...

[Image by Jim Cooke. If you’re an Amazon employee who wants to share your story, email me.]

How My Grandfather Helped Nixon Visit China

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How My Grandfather Helped Nixon Visit China

On this day in 1971, President Richard Nixon, to the complete surprise of the American public, announced that he would be visiting communist China in 1972. It was an abrupt, about-face departure from a stance the vehemently anti-communist Nixon had campaigned upon. But the lost lives and political costs of the Vietnam war—as well as the insistent advice of Nixon’s Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger—led Nixon away from his intransigence and into to a momentous meeting that would shape the course of American diplomacy and international affairs for decades.

My grandfather played a very important role in that story.

Born in Jaora, India, and married to the daughter of a local Nawaab—the ruler of what were then referred to as princely states, and a word fraught with political connotations regarding the beneficence of the British Empire—my grandfather was one of the first three members of Pakistan’s foreign service following Partition. His entry into the world of politics followed combat service in World War II, during which he was stationed in Indonesia and Malaysia. He possessed a deep and abiding belief in the concept of Pakistan and was continuously disappointed by the radicalization and rampant corruption of the country he loved bitterly until his death.

How My Grandfather Helped Nixon Visit China

At the time of Nixon’s visit, however, he had not yet grown disillusioned with his country’s inability to hold itself to the high standards he set for it, and was serving as Foreign Secretary. He would later serve as ambassador to the U.S. during both the Nixon and Carter administrations. Pakistan had managed to retain good relations with both China and the United States, and acted as an intermediary between the two for improved relations upon Nixon’s request. At the time, my grandfather, who had served as ambassador to China during the cultural revolution and developed a personal relationship with Premier Zhou Enlai, was instructed to act as a conduit between Nixon and Chairman Mao Zedong. As a result, a tenuous, secret alliance eventually led to the historic visit dubbed by Nixon, “the week that changed the world.” PBS even made a special about it.

That visit would never have occurred without a bit of subterfuge, and a story that has since become Khan family legend. A week before Nixon’s announcement of his visit, Kissinger was visiting Pakistan, where he suddenly “fell ill” and retreated to a mountain compound to recuperate. In reality, at an ungodly hour of the night, as part of a plan not divulged even to Nixon’s cabinet members, my grandfather secretly shuttled Kissinger to the airport for a short trip to China—but not before searching for some time for his keys, which lay under the pillow of my sleeping uncle who had been using the car for who knows what mischief earlier in the evening. To think the history of U.S. diplomatic ties swung on a keyring.

How My Grandfather Helped Nixon Visit China

It’s hard not to think of Nixon’s trip this week, and my sleepy uncle and anxious grandfather’s roles, as we conclude a nearly two-year negotiation with Iran, and re-open embassies in Cuba. Like Nixon, Obama has been widely criticized for his dedication to open dialogues with adversaries and antagonists. But like Nixon’s visit to China, Obama’s dedication to the Iran nuclear agreement, and his push for renewed relations with our island neighbor, mark the kind of commitment and hard work that’s an absolute necessity if we are to avoid quagmires like Iraq and Afghanistan in the future. Discussion is not weakness, it is conviction and belief in a better way than war. And without the tireless and sometimes frantic effort of diplomats and ambassadors like my grandfather—and the hundreds of American, Iranian, Cuban, and other negotiators who are forging agreements to stop conflict—its hard to think how much worse the world would be.

But one can imagine. I never had a chance to see the Pakistan my grandfather envisioned. Although my frequent visits were filled with joyous family reunions and, before the war, vacations in the unparalleled beauty of the Hindu Kush, my very white mother and Christian upbringing were a barrier that left me feeling self-consciously American. It wasn’t until after my grandfather’s death that I read the book he’d published on diplomacy and his time in the foreign service. What a comforting thought that Pakistan, too, might someday reap the benefit of my diplomatic heritage some day. Provided someone can find the car keys.

[Top photo courtesy of AP. Second photo shows Amb. Sultan M. Khan, Begum Abeda Sultan and Premier Zhou Enlai and guests. Third photo shows Amb. Sultan M. Khan shaking hands with President Richard Nixon as Secretary of State Henry Kissinger looks on.]


Contact the author at sultana.khan@gawker.com.

Stephen Colbert Interrogates Shameless Pluto-Killer Neil DeGrasse Tyson

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The space-traitor Neil DeGrasse Tyson would rather classify Mercury, Venus, Mars, and our own fair blue marble, Earth—the only home we’ve got and the only object in space known to contain Beyoncé— as dwarf planets than see Pluto officially become a planet again. Tyson confessed under questioning from Stephen Colbert in a topical! video on the Late Show’s YouTube channel.

In the face of new evidence that Pluto is awesome, brought to light by NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft, Colbert dragged Tyson into his Late Show office to make sure he had his alibi straight for Pluto’s murder (as a planet). http://space.io9.com/this-is-what-w...

“I’m an accessory,” Tyson said, “I didn’t pull the trigger. I drove the car that escaped the scene.”

And he’s still glad Pluto is dead (again, as a planet). Since it was first discovered, increasingly accurate measurements of its size have shown it to be much, much smaller than humanity’s original impression of it as Earth-sized. And how can it be a planet if it’s not even on his novelty solar system tie?

He’d rather throw Earth itself under the bus than repent. These are the sad excuses of a man terrified of spending life in a space-prison for planetcide.

[Late Show]

President Obvious Addresses Bill Cosby Accusations: "That's Rape"

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President Obvious Addresses Bill Cosby Accusations: "That's Rape"

Without directly accusing Bill Cosby of raping anyone, President Obama said Wednesday the dozens of accusations levied against the disgraced comedian clearly constitute rape.

The comments came up in the context of a recent petition to revoke Cosby’s Medal of Freedom, which Obama said he had no mechanism to do, calling such a move “unprecedented.”

Then, after saying he doesn’t like to comment on pending litigation, the Harvard Law-educated leader of the free world commented on pending litigation, calling the accusations against Cosby an clear case of rape.

I’ll say this. If you give a woman or a man for that matter, without his or her knowledge, a drug, and then have sex with that person without consent, that’s rape. And I think this country, any civilized country, should have no tolerance for rape.

Thank you, President Obvious.


Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Don’t forget: You can email us tips at tips@gawker.com, call them in at 646-470-4295, send them dire

It's Time for Broadway Actors to Shut Up

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It's Time for Broadway Actors to Shut Up

A rash of shenanigans have occurred on the hallowed Broadway stage in the past few weeks and now it’s time for them to stop.

When a Broadway baby says goodnight it’s early in the morning; Manhattan babies don’t sleep tight until the dawn—yes, yes, we know. But maybe Broadway babies should do their jobs while they’re on stage, rather than make quips about the audience, hmm? Like a wannabe class clown trying too hard after getting his first in-class laugh, a theater actor’s smirking bon mot toward a late or otherwise rude audience member may say something apt or mildly clever, but it screams, “I have envisioned this moment many times before.” It is unbecoming.

Earlier this week, TV actor Jim Parsons reportedly heckled a latecomer at a performance of his Broadway show An Act of God. “A little late, aren’t you?” asked (“quipped”) Parsons, according to the New York Post. “You’re lucky I’m God and not Patti LuPone!” Ha-ha—yech. Enough.

Taking time out of your job to indulge your revenge fantasy and get an off-book laugh is, uh, indulgent like I said, and also rude. We did not make you take on the job of play actor, performing the same piece multiple times per day for months—do not take your boredom out on us, those who are here to see this performance most likely for the first and only time. Do the play and ignore the latecomer.

Parsons was mostly likely referencing a 2009 incident during which LuPone yelled at an audience member for taking photos during a performance of Gypsy:

But coincidentally, on the very evening of Parson’s remark, LuPone broke the fourth wall again, this time snatching the phone of a texting audience member.
http://gawker.com/do-not-text-in...

The next day, Lupone released a dramatic statement to Playbill explaining her actions.

...I am so defeated by this issue that I seriously question whether I want to work on stage anymore. Now I’m putting battle gear on over my costume to marshall the audience as well as perform.

The official Twitter account of Hand to God, a popular Broadway play that gleefully made headlines earlier this month when a young patron attempted to charge his cellphone on set before the show began, saw an opportunity to attach its caboose to the attention train before it pulled out of the station forever, by making a Lupone graphic.

The following day—more than a week after the original charger incident—the Hand to God Twitter account showily accepted the public apology of the young man who had attempted to plug in his phone.

Please note also the thirsty manner in which the Hand to God official Twitter conducted itself in the immediate aftermath of what it and no one else eventually began calling “ChargerGate”:

It's Time for Broadway Actors to Shut Up

ENOUGH!

I’m no Broadway anarchist. I’m no “Steve Ignorant” of the “Great White Way.” I think you should get to the theater on time, shut off your phone entirely, shut your mouth, and I think you should dress up a little. Why would you wear sweatpants to a play? You wear sweatpants all the time, I bet, no offense, and you paid a lot of money to see this play. Put on hard pants (but not jeans).

However: Everyone on Broadway should stop it.

It is bad enough when comedians heckle the audience, and you are not a comedian. You are a person in (or perhaps running the social media account of) a play. A Broadway baby, so to speak. So: Goodnight, baby. Good night, the milkman’s on his way. Sleep tight, baby.

Sleep tight, let’s call it a day.


Image via Getty. Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

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This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we move into a mansion in New Jersey only to find Gwyneth Paltrow has started sending us packages containing things like recipes for gluten-free versions of whatever we cooked the night before, moisturizers, cases of SmartWater, and sex tips based on what she’s “been observing through the windows.” This week: Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are gonna be parents, Queen Elizabeth made up a silly nickname for Kate, Jennifer Aniston cheated on Brad Pitt with Matt LeBlanc, and the Kardashians get psychologically profiled by scores of unqualified E! viewers.

Here we go.


OK!

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

JENNIFER & CHRIS: WEDDING & A BABY

Look at the stars, look how they shine for them. And all the things they...phlegm. Yeah, it was all yellow. OK, that joke may not have worked out, but you know what is working out? Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence’s relationship! Some people have been saying that it’s over, but those people clearly aren’t part of their inner circle, because people in their inner circle (according to some people outside it) are saying they’re engaged. “And, on top of that, Jen is eager to get pregnant.” Pregnant Jennifer Lawrence! Can you imagine pregnant Jennifer Lawrence doing interviews? Talking about cravings pimento cheese and orange Jell-O while farting more than usual? Jimmy Fallon would explode. He’d literally explode. Anyway, before she gets knocked up, the happy couple is going to have a fabulous wedding, and Gwyneth is going to be involved. “She sent Jen an aggressive not saying how excited she was to help with the planning...Jen wants to tell Gwyneth to back off, but she doesn’t want to rock the boat—at least not yet.”

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

In an interview with OK!, Paul LeBlanc revealed some of his son Matt’s “dark secrets.” He said Matt has “always been wild and reckless,” and that he “drinks like a fish.” The interview gets pretty dark, and left a pretty bad taste in my mouth. Anonymous/fake sources are one thing, but when it’s someone’s father? On the record? Just read these quotes:

  • “He was as good-looking as anyone in Hollywood, but he isn’t going to age well. It’s the high life—I’ll see him with his gut hanging over his belt.”
  • “Matthew is not a compassionate individual. He is a control freak, and the more money he has, the more fucking ruthless he is.”
  • “I’m very proud of what he’s achieved, but I’m very hurt by the person he’s become.”
  • “One minute he’s extremely generous, and the next he’s ripping you apart.”

How much did OK! pay you for this, Mr. LeBlanc?

Teresa Giudice is halfway through her prison sentence, but she’s completely finished with her marriage. Joe Giudice has been “brazenly [stepping] out with a 27-year-old bartender that he picked up at a strip club” and was recently “spotted dining out with” her “on the night of daughter Gia’s middle school graduation (rather than celebrating with family).” Excuse me, fambly. An insider says Teresa “wants to get out of jail and punch his lights out.” Not the best idea for someone newly released from prison, Teresa, but I feel you. I feel you.


And Also:

  • Nicole Scherzinger is “out of control.”
  • Who is Nicole Scherzinger again?
  • Katherine Heigl is firing her momager.
  • Kendall Jenner is lonely.
  • Amber Heard legally changed her name to Amber Depp.
  • Iggy Azalea called off her engagement to Nick Young. Again.
  • Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are only spending $75 a day on their “RV honeymoon”
  • Mariah Carey and That Billionaire are on permanent vacation.
  • Jimmy Fallon’s wife Nancy Juvonen is “fed up” with his drinking.

Grade: C- (Gwyneth Paltrow writes you a passive aggressive note after finding out you ate pizza three times this week.)


Life & Style

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

UNDER ATTACK BY ROYAL FAMILY: FED-UP KATE FIGHTS BACK

Kate Middleton is “UNDER ATTACK” and William is “caught in the middle.” After years of “desperately struggling to make her in-laws happy,” Life & Style is reporting that “tensions are at an all time high.” And you’ll never believe what they all call her. Get ready…

LAZY KATIE.

But wait! Wait wait wait! The Royals have more nicknames tucked away inside their enormous hats. The Queen apparently calls her “Duchess of Do-Little” behind her back. Or maybe to her face! Honestly it’s probably to her face, and then Kate just has to smile and squeeze William’s knee under the dinner table and pretend not to care. Don’t you just love the fact that the blood Royals don’t like Kate because she doesn’t do anything? The Royals have literally two jobs: to survive, and to make sure their clothes are never wrinkled. Kate’s a mother of two. The Queen hangs out with Corgis. Calm down, idiots.

Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian may have officially called it quits, Kris Jenner
still sees plenty of money making opportunities. She plans to start “using Scott’s deadly drug binge for ratings.” He’s reportedly “addicted to cocaine,” partying “nonstop,” not sleeping, having sex with countless women all the time, and in “such bad shape, friends fear he’ll die.” But, reports an insider, “Kris Jenner and other members of the Kardashian clan have one thought on their minds: This could be ratings gold.” And expert (in what?) named Julie Armstrong says “the Kardashians are helping him stay sick.”

Life & Style published a list of the A-listers who’ve chosen sides now that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing, and it’s pretty wonderful:

TEAM JEN:

  • Reese Witherspoon
  • Molly Sims
  • Jason Bateman
  • Jessica Biel
  • Victor Garber

TEAM BEN:

  • Bradley Cooper
  • George Clooney
  • Amy Adams
  • Matt Damon
  • Jimmy Kimmel

Is this a physical fight? Verbal? Will they compete in some kind of game? However they decide to hash it out, it’s clear that Team Jen will win. And if you disagree, you’re wrong.

Please note that Jen’s former Alias co-star, Bradley Cooper, has chosen Ben and not her. Cooper has said in the past that he “would do anything for Ben.” Cool.

And Also:

  • Kim Kardashian’s assistant carries a chair at all times so she can sit whenever she wants.
  • Rumer Willis is on Bumble!!! (Is anyone else?)
  • Mariah Carey will move to Australia for That Billionaire.
  • Ruby Rose says she and Demi Lovato have banged.
  • Sean Lowe, the former “Virgin Bachelor” is not so good at the sex, says his wife.
  • Bella Thorne and her friends went surfing.
  • Ariel Winter and Laurent CLaude Gaudette went jet skiing.
  • Kristen Stewart and Julianne Moore went gambling. (They win)
  • Katy Perry wants to have John Mayer’s baby.
  • Do you know what scalloped shorts are? Doesn’t matter. Wear them or get out of my face.

Wrong Answer:

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

Grade: D+ (Bradley Cooper says he would do anything for you, but he won’t do that.)


Star

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: JEN CHEATED ON BRAD WITH MATT LEBLANC

Paul LeBlanc really made the rounds this week! In “an exclusive interview” with Star, he said Matt LeBlanc and Jennifer Aniston used to “make out in the dressing rooms” on the Friends set “when she was married to Brad Pitt.” Whaaaaat? He wouldn’t go on to say if Jen’s cheating is what led to her divorce from Brad Pitt (reminder: the narrative we as a country have been fed for over a decade is that Angelina Jolie wrecked their marriage), but he did say “Matt goes after dirt bags.” Whaaaaaat again? Did he just call Jennifer Aniston a dirt bag?! I believe he did! And he didn’t stop there.

  • On Matthew Perry: “Matt always said Matthew Perry is an asshole. He wanted to pound on him a couple of times.”
  • On David Schwimmer: “David Schwimmer was kind of dry, a bit too serious.”
  • On Lisa Kudrow: “Matt always liked Lisa Kudrow.”

Phew. How much did Star pay you for this, Mr. LeBlanc?

Kim Richards may be sober, but she’s far from clean. The five-bedroom home the RHOBH star been renting in the San Fernando Valley is completely trashed, and her landlord is charging her for clean-up and repairs. “The damage is terrible—stains all over, piles of destroyed furniture—not to mention the smell, since she let her dog pee and poop inside and didn’t clean up after him.” Her landlord is “keeping her security deposit and holding her responsible for extensive damage” - including thousands of dollars for “the patio furniture alone.” How does a person go about breaking so much furniture? I mean, it’s one thing if you’re a natural disaster. Like, if this landlord had rented the house to a tornado, sure, I get it - he’s going to wind up with plenty of busted stuff. That’s why you don’t rent to anyone who appears on an Enhanced Fujita scale. But Kim is a human woman, not a funnel cloud spinning at hundreds of miles an hour. I would, however, enjoy a movie about Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt studying her.

And Also:

  • Amal Clooney is too skinny oh no!
  • Taraji P. Henson is “bossy, rude, and extremely controlling” on the set of Empire.
  • Patrick Schwarzenegger and Rihanna have hooked up.
  • Tyga has been cheating on Kylie with a transgender model named Mia Isabella.
  • Jason Statham has been flirting with a lot of people who aren’t Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.
  • Amanda Seyfried NEEDS Justin Long to propose.
  • Star claims the Kardashians will “destroy” Scott Disick if he doesn’t “clean up his act.”

Wrong Answer:

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

Grade: D- (You invite Kim Richards over for dinner and she destroys all your furniture.)


inTouch

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

KARDASHIANS: SECRET PSYCH EVALUATION

This is a weird one, y’all. InTouch claims to have “obtained a shocking psychological evaluation that reveals,” among other things, “the secrets behind Scott and Kourtney’s relationship.” As far as I can tell, the documents are uncredited. Who wrote them? Why were they written? How did inTouch get them? If you’re OK not having answers to any of those things, they’re wonderfully general and pretty funny to read.


  • Kourtney’s description just reads: “Emotional problems.”
  • Khloe’s: “Does whatever she wants.”
  • Kim’s: “Cries when alone.”
  • Rob’s: “Needs love - sweet.”

OK! But again, who the hell wrote these descriptions, and were they basing them on in-person counseling (probably not) or DVRed episodes of KUWTK (more likely)? To take this whole sham of an evaluation to other levels of bullshittery, inTouch interviewed an “LA-based clinical psychologist who has not counseled the Kardashians” about it. She called Kourtney “a sponge” who “lived out her father’s role,” Kim a woman “who can’t face the truth and hides her emotions,” Khloe someone who “can’t make up her mind,” and Rob a man “who’s hiding and wants to disappear.” Thanks for the enlightenment, doc! Good to know you watch E! too!

“BRAD CAN’T CONTROL HIS RAGE.” On July 5, Brad Pitt and his family were leaving LAX. Brad had an “angry outburst” when a photographer got in his face. A witness says “he threw up his bag to keep the photographer back, using it as a barrier,” then “pushed the photographer with it. The old Brad would never have been so physical.” Whoa, losing his temper in public?! What on Earth could be causing such a freakout? Oh, I know, MAYBE THE FACT THAT HIS MARRIAGE IS CRUMBLING LIKE A NATURE VALLEY GRANOLA BAR. Brad is “miserable” and “in a constant state of anger...he flies into a rage over the least little thing.” Many sources are claiming he and Angelina will divorce “shortly after By the Sea [the movie they’re starring in together] opens in November.” I hear Matt Damon has a spare bedroom you can use now, Brad!

Q&A of the week: Melissa Rivers

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

You, You, Me of the Week:

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

And Also:

  • Kourtney Kardashian’s “greatest fear” is that Scott gets another woman pregnant.
  • Calvin Harris taught Taylor Swift how to understand Scottish accents?
  • Jessica Simpson gave Ashlee Simpson some unsolicited parenting advice, and now they’re “at war.” Figures.
  • Nick Cannon doesn’t want Mariah to take dem babies to Australia with That Billionaire.
  • Orlando Bloom, who’s still famous somehow, is dating some interior designer.
  • Wear sunny yellow or I promise you will be destroyed by a gamma burst.

Wrong Answer:

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

Grade: F (You’re destroyed by a gamma burst.)


Appendix:

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

Fig. 1 - InTouch

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

Fig. 2 - Life & Style

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

Fig. 3 - Life & Style

This Week In Tabloids: JLaw Wants Chris Martin to Impregnate Her

Fig. 4 - Star


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Image via Shutterstock.


An Adult’s Guide To Learning To Ride A Bicycle

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An Adult’s Guide To Learning To Ride A Bicycle

The Anna Karenina principle of biking is this: Everyone who learned how to ride a bicycle did so in roughly the same boring way; anyone who made it to adulthood without learning required a unique series of roadblocks, failures, negligence, and procrastination. If you fall into the latter group, congratulations! Your inability to do something most children have mastered makes a great conversation-starter. But your tale of finally having tamed the wild, geared stallion will make an even better one.

There’s no sexy trauma in my past that kept me from learning: no 10-speed mowing down my parents in front of my eyes, no bike-mounted bullies menacing me for my lunch money. It just never happened for me. I grew up in an apartment with a lack of storage space in a bike-unfriendly neighborhood in a bike-unfriendly city, so tottering on training wheels down my block wasn’t an option. My parents knew how to ride, but rarely did, and they either never got around to teaching me or gave up on me when I was too young to remember. In college, where my deficiency made me an object of curiosity, attempts by friends to teach me were made under less-than-ideal conditions, i.e. while we were all very drunk. Those attempts went poorly. By the time I reached my mid-twenties, I just kind of assumed that if it hadn’t happened, it wasn’t going to.

Even when I turned 31 earlier this year, I couldn’t ride a bike with any level of confidence, couldn’t stay on that bastard for more than a few feet without wobbling, with visions of veering into oncoming traffic flashing before my eyes. “Killed Trying to Learn to Bicycle,” the headlines would read, “Like a Pathetic Incompetent Baby.” I was ashamed of my inadequacy, but you shouldn’t be. It’s just a non-vital skill that most people have learned but others haven’t. Just because the minority is a particularly small one doesn’t make it a failure of character.

But it’s worth learning. For one, it’s really fun. If you learned to ride decades ago maybe you’ve forgotten how it first felt, but it’s an incredible sensation to race through the park or down a busy road, the air whooshing in your face and the world flying by. You are free to go wherever you want and capable of getting there without having to resort to shutting yourself off from the world in a car or train. You feel excellent in body and mind; it is a workout, and it is a joy.

For another—and this is an actual, semi-serious justification I have used on myself—what if you’re being chased by an ax murderer with good foot speed, and you come across a bike? Do you or do you not want to be able to get away from the ax murderer?

Here’s the secret to learning to ride a bike: Just keep trying it, you’ll get it soon.

Wait, don’t leave! I know that sounds like terrible, useless advice, but it’s the only advice that matters. I ignored everyone who gave it to me during my failed attempts, but they were 100 percent correct, the know-it-alls. No one can tell you how to ride, because it’s a muscle-memory thing and an experience thing. You really do just have to get on a bike, screw up for a while, and you will, incredibly, start to screw up less. It’s not magic, even though it’ll feel like it.

But there are ways to give yourself the greatest chance of getting it. First: Find a bike. When I made the tentative decision to do this, I obviously didn’t own a bike, and didn’t have space to keep one. So I researched where I could rent them by the hour. And really, an hour here and an hour there is all you need. The very first time I rented a bike, out on Governor’s Island in New York harbor, I felt myself starting to figure out my balance in about 45 minutes. Yes, that meant 45 minutes of clumsy, halting, 10-foot rides, and endlessly bashing my shins on the pedals, but that was a small price to pay for tangible proof that I was capable of getting better at this.

And here’s the extra-great part: When I got on a bike again a couple months later out in Flushing Meadows (another hourly rental), I picked up almost exactly where I had left off. Your brain will remember everything from the first session, and from every subsequent session! You don’t have to do any work; your muscle memory is better than you think. By the second hour, I was doing something that you wouldn’t be laughed out of the room for identifying as, technically, a man riding a bicycle:

Find a good place to bike. If I had simply bought a bike and tried to roll out into traffic, I would have either died or been so scarred by the experience that I would never have tried it again. Biking in the city is a whole different thing. Instead, I went to secluded areas: parks, mainly, but also parking lots or near-deserted side streets in the outer boroughs. It meant no traffic to worry about, but it also meant no witnesses and no judgment. Not that passersby would have actually been judging the grown-ass man who clearly didn’t know how to ride a bike, but my own fear of that would have been crippling enough to keep me from focusing on the task at hand.

Depending on your preference, an adult bike-riding class will cover both the wheels and the location. Here in New York, they’re offered by a nonprofit partnered with the city; wherever you are, there’s sure to be at least a private offering. I haven’t done one myself, but taking a class with a group of supportive people in the same boat as me would have been the safest space imaginable.http://adequateman.deadspin.com/how-to-ride-a-...

As you get better, bike where you can. At a friend’s house? Ask if you can hop on their bike and take a ride around the block. On vacation? Look up bike tours, or just rent one and toddle around the back streets. Not only will you get more comfortable with riding in varying locations, and get a little more skilled each time, but your confidence will grow from knowing you can make biking be a secondary or tertiary activity to enhance an already-fun time.

Accept that you’re going to eat it. Repeatedly. I’ve torn my shins to shreds from stopping short. I’ve gone over the handlebars on a quiet park path in Berlin. I’ve skidded out on a cardboard box in Red Hook. Even this past weekend, I wiped out on the bridge to Rockaway, and nearly wiped out again on the way back. It’s terrifying each time. It’s terrifying thinking about it now. But it’s going to happen, because it happens to even the best riders. If you’re safe and smart, the odds are very, very small that any of your crashes will do serious damage.

Oh, hey, be safe, obviously. Do I even need to say it? Wear a helmet. Use lights. Go as fast as you’re comfortable. Be aware of cars, pedestrians, and other bikes. Don’t go the wrong way down the street. Err on the side of absolute caution at lights and intersections.

If you’re still a tentative rider, be even safer. Keep your seat low enough that you can put your feet solidly on the ground if you need to. Get a heavier bike with thicker tires for better stability—I’ve got a hybrid, but no one’s going to say a thing if you go full mountain bike, even for urban riding. (When you get better, you can always trade up to a road bike. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m considering it.) Pick your rides very carefully: When I first starting biking on my own, I went out early in the morning, when I knew the streets would be emptier. Even now I’m most comfortable when I’ve planned out my route to make sure that much of it will be on roads with dedicated bike lanes.

Find a bike friend. This is unequivocally what put me over the top as a bona fide “guy who can ride a bike.” I began hanging out with someone whose favorite thing in the world is biking, and I knew I would get to hang out with her more if I could bike too. I’m worlds better now—I’m still way behind her, which is OK—and I know I would never have made it this far without being encouraged to do something I might not have pursued on my own. Sometimes we’ve all got to be pushed into doing enjoyable things that scare us. And we almost always end up grateful and better for it. If you can’t push yourself, I bet you’ve got friends who’ll be more than happy to push you. Really, they’ll relish the opportunity to teach you, and to share something they love with you. And they’ll be almost as delighted in your progress as you are. Almost.

Five years ago, I literally could not ride a bicycle. Five months ago, I could barely ride a bike without terrifying myself and those around me. Three days ago, I rode to the beach and back, 35 miles. That’s not a huge deal to a real cyclist, but I felt especially good because it was something I never thought I’d be able to sniff. I’m proud and want to tell everyone I know; heck, that’s probably the biggest reason I’m writing this guide. So go give it a shot. I promise it’ll be worth bragging about.


Adequate Man is Deadspin’s new self-improvement blog, dedicated to making you just good enough at everything. Suggestions for future topics are welcome below.

Illustration by Sam Woolley.

A Comprehensive List of Everyone Trying To Sever Ties With Bill Cosby

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A Comprehensive List of Everyone Trying To Sever Ties With Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby was, at a certain point in his life, one of the most successful pitchmen in American history. Many years and many rape allegations later, that is no longer the case. From corporate America to Barack Obama, everyone is now, and presumably forever, allergic to Bill Cosby.

Some corporations were swifter than others in distancing themselves from the one-time beloved comedian, who has been accused by dozens upon dozens of women of drugging and raping them. But now, after court documents were released showing that Cosby admitted to purchasing quaaludes with the intention of incapacitating his victims, almost every network, company, and school connected to Cosby has cut that cord. Even his strongest defenders have admitted defeat, and today Barack Obama said of the Cosby accusations: “That’s rape. And this country and any civilized country should have no tolerance for rape.”

Here is the list of everyone who has dropped Bill Cosby so far, and a timeline of key developments in the story.


On November 18, Janice Dickinson tells Entertainment Tonight that she was raped by Cosby.

Netflix

Date: November 18, 2014

Statement: “At this time we are postponing the launch of the new stand up comedy special ‘Bill Cosby 77’.”

NBC

Date: November 19, 2014

Statement: None.

TV Land

Date: November 19, 2014

Statement: None.


On November 20, the Associated Press released a video showing Cosby asking a reporter to keep questions about his rape allegations off the record.

High Point University

Date: November 20, 2014

Statement: “In the best interest of all parties, we are removing his name from our Board of Advisors until all information on this matter is available.”


On November 21, The Guardian reported that Cosby’s lawyers were able to squash a 2005 National Enquirer story about rape allegations against the comedian. Three other women also came forward as victims.

Berklee College of Music

Date: November 21, 2014

Statement: “Berklee no longer awards an online scholarship in Mr. Cosby’s name. The college has no further comment at this time.”


On November 24, a Cosby victim calls the comedian “America’s greatest serial rapist.” On November 26, a previously anonymous victim revealed her identity.

University of Massachusetts-Amherst

Date: November 26, 2014

Statement: “He no longer has any affiliation with the campaign nor does he serve in any other capacity for the university.”

Freed-Hardeman University

Date: November 27, 2014

Statement: “Names we have seen in the media represent real people who will be affected long after FHU’s dinner has passed.”


On December 11, supermodel Beverly Johnson says that Cosby once drugged her at an audition.

Spelman College

Date: December 15, 2014

Statement: “The William and Camille Olivia Hanks Cosby Endowed Professorship was established to bring positive attention and accomplished visiting scholars to Spelman College in order to enhance our intellectual, cultural and creative life. The current context prevents us from continuing to meet these objectives fully. Consequently, we will suspend the program until such time that the original goals can again be met.”


On May 1, two women—a writer, and an actress who appeared on The Cosby Show—say they were raped by the comedian.

Creative Artists Agency

Date: “Months ago”

Statement: “We do not represent him at this time.”


On July 6, documents from the 2005 civil suit against Cosby released by a court show the comedian admitting to buying quaaludes.

Bounce TV

Date: July 7, 2015

Statement: “[We] have only been airing Cosby for a few weeks.”

Centric

Date: July 7, 2015

Statement: None.

Disney

Date: July 7, 2015

Statement: None.

Jill Scott

Date: July 7, 2015

Statement: “I was wrong. It hurts.”

Whoopi Goldberg

Date: July 14, 2015

Statement: “If this is to be tried in the court of public opinion, I got to say all of the information that’s out there kind of points to guilt.”


Sticking By Him

Hollywood Walk of Fame

Date: July 13, 2015

Statement: “Once a star has been added to the Walk, it is considered a part of the historic fabric of the Hollywood Walk of Fame.”



Contact the author at jordan@gawker.com.

500 Days of Kristin, Day 171: Apparently Camden Is a Popular Name!

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500 Days of Kristin, Day 171: Apparently Camden Is a Popular Name!

As she will proudly tell you, fledgling memoirist Kristin Cavallari named her one of her sons “Camden” and the other “Jaxon.” While no other Earth child currently carries the name Jaxon, there are other Camdens. One of those lesser Camdens, in particular, makes Kristin feel bitchy.

Who is it? And why? Let’s first lay out some facts.

Did you know that, around the time of his divorce from Jessica Simpson in 2006, Kristin briefly dated Nick Lachey? Did you also know that right after that or possibly while they were still dating Nick began seeing his current wife Vanessa Minnillo? Did it ever occur to you that that was rude? Were you aware that Kristin actually moved on with her life and had her first child—named Camden Jack Cutler—on August 8, 2012 with a football player? Do you ever scream and scream for hours and nobody hears you?

Did you know that on September 12, 2012—one month after Camden Jack Cuter was born—Nick Lachey named his son Camden John Lachey?

Maybe now you understand what I’m talking about. Oh, and by the way:

Obviously Kristin loves the name Camden and spent a lot of time thinking about it and embroidering baby blankets with it and memorizing its meaning: “New Jersey.” She’s glad “other people” love it. She’s glad everyone loves it.

We can all joke about this now, ha ha.


This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photo via Getty]

Talking About Monsters, Children, and Movies with Takashi Murakami

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Talking About Monsters, Children, and Movies with Takashi Murakami

Who do you look at when you’re conducting an interview with someone who speaks in a foreign language—the subject or the translator? That remained unclear throughout my 30-minute discussion with Japanese visual artist Takashi Murakami and his translator Yuko Sakata earlier this week at the Criterion offices in New York. Close Criterion associate Janus Film is distributing Murakami’s first movie, Jellyfish Eyes, which Murakami was in town to promote. My eyes mostly darted back and forth between Murakami and Sakata as I asked questions about his work and movie, an ‘80s-esque tale about a boy and his fantastical pet that he uses to battle his classmates’ similarly fantastical pets in Pokemon fashion. To do so, they use controllers (“Devices”) issued by a local research center that’s actually run by an ominous bunch (the Black-Cloaked Four) who are stealing the children’s negative energy. Jellyfish Eyes is at once conventional by owing much of its plot and spirit to countless films and shows that came before it, and utterly insane. It’s by no means perfect, and often rests on cute—a fact of which Murakami himself seems to be aware. “Although the theatrical version may appear somewhat rough on the edges, I believe, for a first film, I have managed to create something with a solid structure,” he says in an interview provided in the movie’s press notes.

Wearing a puffy Patagonia vest over a buffalo plaid button down and cargo shorts, Murakami only looked at me when I was talking. When he talked (after hearing Sakata’s translation of my words), he would close his eyes, sometimes covering them with his hands, and unleash block paragraphs in Japanese that Sakata would then translate into English. It’s a slow process that is antithetical to my usual conversational style of interviewing, and yet surreal enough to feel appropriate. Below is a transcript of what was essentially a three-way conversation, edited lightly for length and clarity while attempting to preserve the nuance of the translation.

Gawker: Is it fair to call this a children’s movie?

Takashi Murakami (via Yuko Sakata): Yes.

What do you think of the fact that in America, most of its audience will be adults familiar with your artwork? The medium transforms between cultures.

For my solo exhibition at La MoCA, what I was really surprised by was that I also thought that my contemporary art fans were mainly adults, but for my show there were a lot of children who came, especially for a Saturday night. There were tons of strollers. A lot of infants came. In that natural process, maybe it’s the adult fans who will buy the DVDs, but hopefully it will percolate down to children.

In the director’s statement about this movie, you say, “I’ve managed to create something that I find interesting and that leaves me with a grin.” That seems like a humble standard.

Right now I’m making Part 2, but for Part 1, the director Nishimura, who created Helldriver and stuff like that, he set everything up for me because it was my first film—from casting to scripts to filming to editing, everything. He basically made a template for me, that’s how we made the film. And of course the things he set up didn’t quite work naturally with how I work, so since then I’ve been tweaking and making things work for me and in the end, the format has changed a lot. Without his template, what he set up for the first film, it wouldn’t have happened. So I really feel like it was thanks to him that I was able to make the film. In this industry, I knew nothing. [I was] a child with no knowledge of how things worked in the film, but I really wanted to work in the music and post-production the way I wanted to, so I stuck to those parts that I really cared [about]. I can say that in the end, the film became my own, so in that way, I’m not being humble. It’s really how I feel about it.

I thought it was interesting that in a longer interview in the press notes you say, “Although the theatrical version may appear somewhat rough on the edges, I believe, for a first film, I have managed to create something with a solid structure.” Admitting imperfection is not something that you often see artists doing.

Recent films for maybe audience and directors both are very refined. It’s more popular to have stories that are very cohesive and make sense and [have] lots of subplots and everything makes sense at the end. But when I was a student at university, the American films that I used to watch, like sci-fi or action films, oftentimes the main character would lose it and go bonkers. It’s a huge action and it ends. There’s not much refined subplot. The more recent films are: once you finish watching it it’s concluded and the world closes off. Of course I respect the skill and technique they’re using to create these films. For style I prefer the rough edges. But for Part 1, it’s simply that I didn’t have the technique to create something so complete and clean. So that’s just sort of an excuse.

If the objective wasn’t to create a complete, cohesive plot, was Jellyfish Eyes an exercise in creating and playing with creatures? Was that the expression?

I came up with four blocks of creature- and action-filled scenes. In the beginning we were [saying] it would be good if we could connect them with stories, so yes, it started with centering around creatures.

Have you ever done much thinking about why you’re so attracted to creatures? They show up in your art consistently.

It might seem strange for me to say this, but at first I wasn’t really into characters. I didn’t like them, I didn’t have skill to create good ones. But around the time I started drawing the flower characters in the art scene abroad—here—it was a great hit. Before that I was creating the Mr. DOB character and some other ones that weren’t really well received. But the flowers were well received, and as a result, I understood these characters are popular so I made more and then more and it was well received. These are not something that came from deep inside my heart’s desire or anything like that. It was more like a natural progression.

Variety’s review of Jellyfish Eyes said, “Takashi Murakami won’t be satisfied with anything less than world domination.” Do you agree?

It’s nothing like that. But for example, two or three days ago I saw the preview for the new Star Wars, and I found myself just so, so, so excited and expectant from the bottom of my heart and I really realized I’m such a childish otaku—geek. Even though I’m aging, I can’t hide the childish otaku self. That’s just a huge part of me. So it’s more to satisfy this childish otaku part of me that I’m making the film. It’s nothing like this huge scheme or anything like that.

How is it to transition from doing visual art, which is mostly a solitary undertaking even when you’re collaborating, to making a movie where your artistic vision is being carried out by hundreds of people?

As a matter of course, it takes months for me to create one painting but then in the film, one second comprises 24 to 30 images. I knew that theoretically, but I didn’t actually know it. In the post production, I wouldn’t like a composition here or a color there, but then, of course, each frame by frame it would have to be corrected, so of course it takes so much manpower and money. It’s problematic. But of course I still can’t resist making the film as if I’m making a painting.

How was it working with kids?

When I was in college, for about seven years, I was teaching kindergarten, so I’m really good at playing with kids. I love it. But at first, I didn’t really understand that they’re not just children, but child actors, professionals. So at first, I was just treating them like normal kids and they started looking down on me. I had to switch and start treating them like actors.

I read your list of film influences (Galaxy Express 999, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Princess Mononoke, Blade Runner, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Star Wars, The Godfather, Toy Story, Bull Durham, and Thief). There were a few more things that Jellyfish Eyes reminded me of that I wondered if they were influences: E.T., Gremlins, and Pokemon.

Exactly. (Laughs)

As a kid, Gremlins really spoke to me. I always wanted a Mogwai. This movie reminded me of that feeling.

I really love Joe Dante’s mind. I do like Gremlins, but I especially love Explorers. I like movies before CGI that were done with Muppets. For my film, at first I tried to do it with Muppets but it didn’t work out, that’s how I switched to CGI.

I also viewed the movie as a live-action anime.

Thank you.

I wonder if you could expand on something you said in an interview in one of the press notes about the movie’s “true message”: “Once you become spellbound by inexhaustible curiosity toward the unknown, you will lose sight and plunge into a world that excludes everyone but yourself.”

The film is part of a trilogy. Masashi’s uncle Naoto, up until Part 2 is on the good side, but in Part 3 in the end, he cares so much about the country, about Japan, that he thinks that without doing certain things, the country will be in decline. From a good heart, he creates the opportunity for a war to start. So whether it’s a cult or a religion or a country, if you get too caught up in the ideology of trying to bring people together, or in some sort of ideology, people can go wrong, things can go wrong. That’s what I wanted to tell the children in my stories. Other things would be hypocritical social ideas, values—the message that we give our children now, to pursue your dreams and/or go to the ideal place...I think the education surrounding children is going toward that direction. I’m trying to tell the children that you probably want to be skeptical about that kind of message. And in order to show that as a sample, I’ve created these characters.

As someone who isn’t from Japan, I could recognize that the film is pointedly post-Fukushima, but I couldn’t quite understand the nuance of your commentary about exactly what that means. Can you explain it to me?

This might be the best way to explain this: I believe from here on in Japan there will be a big burst of kaiju [monster] movies coming out. After the war, with the atomic bomb being dropped in the Pacific Ocean, America and France were experimenting with atomic bombs, that’s when the Godzilla movies became popular. Japanese people were always fearful and worried that their shipping boats were exposed and contaminated and that they were eating contaminated fish. So in the same way, people are vaguely fearful of something really bad going on in and around Fukushima. If you look back on the late ‘70s to Fukushima, you probably don’t see any kaiju films coming out of Japan. In the future, looking back at this time, people will probably say, “Oh because of the nuclear power plant disaster, Japan had to really make these kaiju movies to process that.” Probably four or five years from now, it will be come a little bit clearer.

Jellyfish Eyes opens at New York’s IFC Center today.

[Photo via AP]

Vox Quietly Deleted the Slut-Shaming From Your Dad's Taylor Swift Review

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Vox Quietly Deleted the Slut-Shaming From Your Dad's Taylor Swift Review

Vox sent your dad to review a Taylor Swift concert. Did you know that that pop music makes him feel insecure? I hope the world doesn’t spin off its axis. Unfortunately, your dad did not just write about his fluctuating testosterone levels in his review. He also said that Miley Cyrus and Madonna don’t value themselves and, well, that requires some extra post-publication editing.

The paragraph from “What Taylor Swift taught a 39-year-old ex-jock,” by Vox’s chief political correspondent Jonathan Allen (answer: women have something to say, too) has now been deleted, but not before it was preserved by ex-Gawker writer Aleks Chan (hi, Aleks):

When women take their clothes off it is bad, and their opinions mean less. Taylor Swift leaves on her clothes, therefore she is respectable and good.

This has been a lesson from your dad, Jonathan Allen, who used to be a jock, but now writes about music on the internet, and knows about women because of your two-year-old sister. Please call your mother, she would love to hear your voice.

[image via Getty]


Contact the author at jordan@gawker.com.

El Chapo Sent Tiny Bird Friend Down Tunnel to Test Air Before His Escape

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El Chapo Sent Tiny Bird Friend Down Tunnel to Test Air Before His Escape

Overlooked in the all the hubbub about the technical achievement and apparent rampant corruption behind Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán’s prison break Saturday was a tiny little bird friend used by the drug kingpin to test the air of the mile-long, 30-feet deep tunnel he escaped into from his cell’s shower.

From the New York Times:

Government officials visiting Mr. Guzmán’s cell after his breakout discovered the body of a small bird sitting in his trash can. The bird, they believe, was used to test the air quality of the subterranean tunnel through which Mr. Guzmán vanished, according to an official helping to coordinate the manhunt.

Officials have even given the little bird a name: “Chapito.”

Have fun testing the air in heaven, Chapito.

Officials still have no idea where Guzmán is, though late last night they released surveillance footage of his final moments in prison as well as a video detailing the elaborate tunnel he used to escape. http://gawker.com/watch-security...


Contact the author at taylor@gawker.com.

Gizmodo The Shittiest Deals of Amazon Prime Day | io9 Pluto Is a Geologically Active World, But We D


Michael Douglas Says He Has a Big Dick; I Wanna See the Receipts

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Michael Douglas Says He Has a Big Dick; I Wanna See the Receipts

In the gossip item he was born (or at least named) to write, Page Six’s Richard Johnson reports that Michael Douglas has a big dick. Roll the footage:

Michael Douglas didn’t hesitate when George Wayne — known for his impertinent interviews in Vanity Fair — asked about his key to superstardom.

At the party after Monday night’s screening of Ant-Man, in which Douglas plays a scientist who is able to shrink atoms, Wayne said, “Your father had his cleft chin. Omar Sharif had the gap in his teeth . . .”

“I have a big dick,” Douglas said with a smile before moving into the crowd at the Knickerbocker Hotel rooftop, which included Malin Akerman, Alysia Reiner and Pat Cleveland.

Except, ha, there is no real footage to speak of. Douglas has never showed his would-be legendary hose on film. He certainly speaks with the confidence of someone with a big dick, but there isn’t even surreptitious proof of it online, which seems odd for such an oft-photographed man. Image searches for “Michael Douglas nude” and “Michael Douglas crotch” produce few visible penis lines. It’s almost like there’s no dick there at all! The best I could find was this picture of a TV screen from when he appeared on some talk show apparently not wearing underwear:

Michael Douglas Says He Has a Big Dick; I Wanna See the Receipts

That looks maybe normal, maybe like some dirt in a Ziploc bag.

Michael Douglas Says He Has a Big Dick; I Wanna See the Receipts

So far, so unimpressed.

Maybe he’s a grower, or a liar. Either way, I want to get to the bottom of this. Michael Douglas, if you are reading this, please produce a picture of your erect penis or I will have no choice but to boil your bunny. Thank you and your penis in advance.

[Top image via Getty and Flickr]

Kirk Cameron Could Barely Hear Jesus as He Kept Fellating the Crocoduck

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Kirk Cameron Could Barely Hear Jesus as He Kept Fellating the Crocoduck

Kirk Cameron, God’s chosen actor, knows that the heavenly father is real because no one’s ever seen a half-crocodile, half-duck called a Crocoduck, though that is most likely because Kirk Cameron made it up. But what if the Crocoduck were real, and what if it put its foot-long Crockoduck penis in Kirk Cameron’s willing mouth? That’s the premise of an erotic novella that you can buy for a buck on Amazon.

Kirk Cameron Could Barely Hear Jesus as He Kept Fellating the Crocoduck

Mandy De Sandra’s Kirk Cameron & The Crocoduck of Chaos Magick is a 7,500-word tale of revenge that skewers Cameron’s anti-gay, anti-evolution agenda by having him give a Crocoduck a blowjob and fuck a morphing Jesus made out of cheese right in its cheesy stigmata-holes. (Two Boner Stabones from Growing Pains, also made out of cheese, watch the scene while they 69 each other.)

This crucial passage is representative of what you can expect from the rest of the book:

“Kirk could barely hear Jesus as he continued fellating the Crocoduck. The creature of Chaos Magick was quack-moaning in ecstasy. Kirk was amazed at his deep-throating ability.

...

Jesus smiled and looked down at Cameron full of Crocoduck cock. “My disciples said cheese made them blocked, but I will show you Kirk that the right kind of cheese can open a man up.” Jesus took his white robe of cheese off his body and showed his erection.

...

Jesus spread apart Kirk’s butt cheeks and put his cheesy dick deep in Cameron’s asshole.”

After Cameron indulges in a lactic orgy with Chaos Magick Cheese Jesus, he’s compelled to kill the gay teen whose Chaos Sex Magick spell started the whole thing—and he does. But then the real Jesus appears and condemns Cameron to hell, revealing that Cheese Jesus was secretly Satan all along. Oh, and the Crocoduck is Satan’s son.

And hell involved being swallowed up by a mountain-sized Crockoduck’s anus, which is how the freakish hybrid creature consumes souls.

Mandy De Sandra told Vocativ she’s not particularly worried about Cameron suing her over her creative revenge fantasy.

“Kirk is too busy making bad movies and writing lame Facebook posts,” she said, “If he tries to sue me, well, he can be my guest. It will probably be good for both of our careers.”

The book is currently ranked #45 in Amazon’s gay erotica category, with one reviewer describing it as “the most approachable Kirk Cameron role in some time.”

[h/t Vocativ]

DMX Jailed for Failure to Give It ($400,000) to Ya (His Kids)

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DMX Jailed for Failure to Give It ($400,000) to Ya (His Kids)

Hood locator and father of 12 (!) DMX began a six-month stint in jail on Tuesday after failing to pay $400,000 worth of child support, WIVB reports.

Last month, the rapper was arrested by New York City Sheriff’s deputies for a number of “issues outstanding” before being extradited to Erie County serve time for the family court-issued sentence. From USA Today:

DMX also was served warrants from the city of White Plains, N.Y., for jumping bail and a robbery complaint from Newark, N.J. The Newark-based charges were dropped.

DMX attempted to file for bankruptcy in 2013 for protection from creditors owed $1.8 million in contract disputes, goods, services and child support, but a federal judge threw out the case. Last year, DMX’s Mount Kisco, N.Y., house, inhabited by his estranged wife Tashera Simmons, went into foreclosure.

Yesterday, anti-ISIS fighter Shaggy confirmed DMX’s imprisonment, ruefully noting the rapper would not be out of jail in time for this year’s Shaggfest.

[Image via WIVB//h/t Entertainment Weekly]

Rain Between Bouts of Hell: Southwestern Monsoon Season Is Here

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Rain Between Bouts of Hell: Southwestern Monsoon Season Is Here

Today is the halfway point in July; we’re firmly in summer’s grip with just as much of the season behind us as we’ve got in front of us. It’s a lonely, miserable time of the year for us heat haters, but for folks in the southwestern United States, it marks the glorious time of year when monsoon season ramps up.

It’s a Dry Heat (For Now)

Rain Between Bouts of Hell: Southwestern Monsoon Season Is Here

Temperatures in this part of the world get a little toasty in the summer. The high temperature in Phoenix has hit 100°F every day for the past 35 days (including today’s impending high of about 105°F), and the average high temperature stays above 95°F until the end of September.

The only thing that saves desert-dwellers from the scorching heat is the cool, refreshing blast of a nearby downpour, a pattern that begins in July thanks to the monsoon.

Look West

It’s common to use the term monsoon casually—”oh, we’re getting monsoon rains right now”—but the term refers to a seasonal shift in the winds that allow wetter or drier conditions to prevail over a certain area. The most pronounced wet monsoons occur over southern Asia, where moist winds in the summer blow high levels of moisture over a landmass experiencing intense daytime heating. The combination of extreme heat and moisture to match can lead to extraordinarily heavy rainfall—Cherrapunji, India, situated in the hills north of Bangladesh, once received 366 inches of rain in the year between August 1860 and July 1861 as a result of the moist winds interacting with the higher terrain.

Rains that affect the southwestern United States aren’t that extreme (could you imagine?), but the storms can grow intense, leading to heavy rain and damaging winds that create some dangerous situations.

The Winds of Change

Rain Between Bouts of Hell: Southwestern Monsoon Season Is Here

The makings of the monsoon start in the spring and early summer as the southwest turns into a natural blast furnace. Hot air is less dense than cool air, so there are fewer air molecules over one spot (say, Yuma) when it’s 110°F than there are when it’s 60°F in the same city. Since atmospheric pressure is the weight of the entire atmosphere pressing down on you, if there’s less atmosphere above you, there’s less weight and lower pressure at your location. This leads to the formation of what’s known as a “thermal low,” and this feature is key to the southwestern monsoon.

Starting around July, we typically see a ridge of high pressure begin to build-in across the southern United States, keeping much of the Deep South hot and dry, exacerbating the drought in some years while letting residents air out their basements in others. The combination of clockwise flow around the ridge and slight counter-clockwise flow around the thermal low allows tropical moisture to filter into the southwest from the Gulf of California and the Gulf of Mexico.

Liquid Sunshine

Rain Between Bouts of Hell: Southwestern Monsoon Season Is Here

The result is rain, and rain in amounts that aren’t too shabby, all things considered. Above is a graph for Phoenix’s Sky Harbor Airport that shows normal yearly rainfall (brown line) and observed rainfall (green line/shading) between January 1, 2010 and July 14, 2015. You can see that the year starts off with some precipitation before coming to an abrupt halt between April and June. Once the wet monsoon arrives, moisture filters back in and rainfall starts ticking up after the beginning of July. The city sees about eight inches of rain each year on average.

Moisture levels in this region of the country don’t get all that high—it is the desert, after all—but dew points can climb high enough to evade the “dry heat” cliché on particularly juicy days. Temperatures still reach well into the 100s on most days (barring clouds or cold air from nearby storms), and the extensive heat and high moisture create instability that allows storms to form without too much of an issue.

Evaporated Paradise

Rain Between Bouts of Hell: Southwestern Monsoon Season Is Here

What the region has to watch out for, however, is the remnants of hurricanes in the eastern Pacific. Every once and a while, a tropical cyclone will make landfall on the Baja Peninsula and move north/northeast through the Gulf of California and enter the southwestern United States. The influence of these systems can push atmospheric moisture levels well above normal, sometimes pushing record territory on some days.

If a thunderstorm is able to tap these (relatively) extreme levels of moisture, the storms can produce extensive flash flooding.

Flooding in thunderstorms that form during monsoon season is a major issue. The ground in desert regions has far less permeability than the soil we have out east, so rainwater can’t absorb into the ground like it does when Mobile, Alabama, sees four inches of rain in an hour and the ground is dry by nightfall. Just a short burst of heavy rain can create flooding issues in urban areas, but it doesn’t even have to rain for flooding to affect certain areas.

Arroyos are one of the most dangerous features of monsoon season. An arroyo is a dry creek bed that only fills with water when it rains. Fills is a understatement, here: arroyos usually gush after a thunderstorm, even one that forms miles upstream. Clear-air flash floods in arroyos are very dangerous to hikers if they’re not paying attention to their surroundings or flash flood warnings. http://thevane.gawker.com/this-stupid-mo...

Enjoy the rain, watch out for floods, and don’t drive through a flooded roadway—not only is it stupid, but you run the risk of going broke after they pluck your dumb self out of the water.

[Images: AP, GREarth, Tropical Tidbits, xmACIS2]


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Video Shows Pilot's Miraculous Emergency Landing on a Busy NJ Highway

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Video Shows Pilot's Miraculous Emergency Landing on a Busy NJ Highway

On Sunday, traffic cameras captured the surreal moment when a skydiving plane made an emergency landing on New Jersey’s Route 72 and yesterday authorities uploaded the incredible footage to Facebook.

Amazingly, police say no cars were damaged during the landing and the only injury suffered by the plane’s five occupants was a cut to the instructor’s arm.

“We are very happy all are safe,” George Voishnis, co-owner of Skydive East Coast, told NJ.com. “The instructors readied their students and the pilot expertly flew the plane avoiding power lines landed between the cars on Route 72.”

According to Voishnis, the emergency landing was prompted by a mechanical problem with the plane’s engine. Authorities say the F.A.A. is investigating the incident.

[Image via Facebook//h/t Uproxx]

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