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Vacation Is an Impressive Trifecta of Mean, Dumb, and Ugly

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Vacation Is an Impressive Trifecta of Mean, Dumb, and Ugly

You can be mean, or you can be dumb, but only one of the two. Really, you can technically be whatever you want, but if you are both mean and dumb, you’re going to have an extremely hard time making it in a world where success often depends greatly on the ability to connect with other people. Immense beauty can render this rule of thumb irrelevant, but that’s rare and fleeting and, eventually, irrelevant itself.

I think this is true not just for people, but for the things they make. All this is to say that John Francis Daley and Jonathan M. Goldstein’s Vacation, a hybrid sequel/remake of 1983’s National Lampoon’s Vacation, is virtually worthless. It is mean, it is dumb, and it ain’t pretty either.

Most detrimentally, it is rarely funny. Daley and Goldstein want you to believe that they have their fingers on the pulse, but actually their thumbs are up their asses. As the Griswolds (led this time by Rusty, who’s played by Ed Helms) hop from humiliating situation to humiliating situation in their cross country trip to the theme-park destination of the original film, Walley World, Daley and Goldstein work in jokes about would-be edgy topics du jour like rim jobs, pedophilia, big dicks, and women’s promiscuity. Most of these jokes come down to merely stating that these things exist—see the scene in which Chris Hemsworth struts around in underwear for Rusty and his wife Debbie (Christina Applegate) showing off a dick so big his boxer briefs can barely contain it. Big dick: there’s your joke. Ha?

A rare exception of a topical joke that actually does work occurs early on, when Rusty’s despicably shitheaded son Kevin (Steele Stebbins) writes, “I have a vagina,” on the guitar that belongs to his older brother, James (Skyler Gisondo). Rusty turns the intended insult into a “teachable moment” about gender fluidity. “There’s a lot of boys born with vaginas and it’s really hard for them,” he explains patiently, subverting a classic misogynist insult with a 2015-style sensitivity. This happens early on in the movie, and for a moment it seems like there’s a point to the seemingly needless updating that’s happening. But soon we come to find that, no, there actually isn’t a point. Vacation is a reboot for reboot’s sake that contains a joke about reboots, which again, merely states their existence in the most paltry showing of self-awareness imaginable. The exercise’s futility is made even clearer when Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo reprise their roles as Clark and Ellen Griswold in Vacation’s third act. Their appearances amount to cameos. Like most of the jokes, their presence is the supposed present. Where’s my gift receipt? For that matter, how much were they paid to show their considerably time-altered faces in this sea of excrement and misery?

On the way to Walley World this time around, the Griswolds bathe in shit, get robbed, visit Debbie’s old sorority where she chugs a pitcher of beer and throws up all over the place while attempting to run an inflatable obstacle course, and end up waiting five hours in a line for one roller coaster. It’s never really clear why these people actually enjoy each other’s company, beyond the fact that they’re all in the same family and movie together. At least the original string of three Vacation movies attempted to balance humiliation with sentiment. This movie and its family make no such effort. They’re just there, traveling without moving.


What Mat Fraser’s Cripfest Taught Me About 'Crip Pride'

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What Mat Fraser’s Cripfest Taught Me About 'Crip Pride'

This past weekend, I found myself walking into the the Brooklyn Academy of Music and staring up at a poster of a man with thalidomide-stunted limbs awash in bold primary colors.

I’d only heard about Cripfest a few days before, but had felt compelled to attend, not least because it had been organized by ONEOFUS, a radical production company run by American Horror Story: Freakshow’s Mat Fraser and artist Julie Atlas Muz. Billed as a celebration of the 25th anniversary of the landmark Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), Cripfest brought together British and American activists, comedians, actors, dancers, musicians, and burlesque performers from across the disabled community for an all-day program of art, laughter, and solidarity (and nudity, lots of nudity!). As Fraser explained in a statement on the Cripfest website,

“Over the last 25 years since the ADA was passed, I’ve watched disabled artists mature, attain fantastic professional heights of accomplishment, and soar with their work creating brilliant, often game changing art. Why then in mainstream arts productions, do we mostly only see portrayals of disability that don’t reflect this reality? In that time many incredible disabled artists & their creative partners have made work, careers, reputations, and sometimes waves, producing work that shows our reality and thus all of Society, refusing to accept the stubbornly outmoded & negative media imaging of disabled people, but instead remould our understanding of Disability in our Society, fashion it into the vibrant, exciting, and inclusive World that we strive to live in, as we continue to critique, laugh at, and highlight the Disability experience.”

What Mat Fraser’s Cripfest Taught Me About 'Crip Pride'

As I’ve mentioned here before, Fraser’s work on American Horror Story and the show itself (warts and all) had a profound effect on me, and I felt a tiny electric shock every time I glimpsed Fraser working the room or flashing a cheeky grin to someone. I never did suck up the courage to bop up and tell the nattily-attired Englishman just how much his work for disability awareness and crip pride has meant to me, but I did meet some incredible people, get to see The Spazms (Fraser’s new punk band with Eric Paluzak, who’s known better as Velvet Crayon) and UK comedian Laurence Clark’s biting riffs on being called “inspiring,” and avail myself of a blueberry-lemonade cocktail called the Gimp Guzzler (my friend Kristen preferred the chocolatey Inspiration Porn).

What Mat Fraser’s Cripfest Taught Me About 'Crip Pride'

Everything from the cocktails to the dedicated wheelchair charging station made it clear that this was a safe space with a sense of humor about itself, and you may have deduced from its title that the word “crip” was a prominent part of the event. As tends to happen with words that’ve been used for centuries to disenfranchise, abuse, or outright kill off minority populations, “cripple” is controversial term within the disability community, and is largely seen as a pejorative, insulting term by many disabled individuals. “Crip,” though, has echoes of the LGBTQIA community’s takeback of the word “queer”—a reclamation, a transformation of an insult into a badge of pride. Not everyone in the disability community accepts the word or identifies as a crip, but personally, the word electrified me.

See, disabled people aren’t meant to address our disabilities, because it makes other people feel uncomfortable, and god forbid our existence inflicts a few minutes of awkwardness upon someone else’s day. My own disability is relatively minor but very visible, and whenever I refer to myself as a cripple, whether in jest or in moments of frustration, people recoil. They cannot accept it—they argue. When they respond with “No you’re not! You’re beautiful!” or “You know, it took me months to even notice,” I know that it’s well-intentioned, but honestly, it pisses me off. It’s like they’re offering me a cookie, saying “Oh, you’ve done such a good job of looking normal!” and I can’t help but wonder: Why can’t I be beautiful and crippled? And really, who says I’m all that concerned with looking pretty—wouldn’t it make more sense to compliment my typing skills, since I’ve got less fingers than the average writer?

True, I saw a lot of gorgeous people proudly waving the crip banner at this event, and hell yes, it was hugely empowering, but the way society anxiously reassures happily fat-identifying women that they’re just “curvy,” or tell some black women that they don’t “act black,” or tell disabled women that they’re “still beautiful” smacks of condescension and robs us of crucial parts of our identities.

While I was thinking about all this, I ran into my friend Kyle at the bar. He’s a fixture of the NYC metal community, and we share an interest in suspension and body modification, so it was nice to come across a familiar face in such an unfamiliar setting. He has cerebral palsy, and often uses crutches or a wheelchair to get around (I wish I could find a better photo of his last wheelchair suspension, but this one gives you an idea of how rad it looked). I decided to ask him how he feels about the word cripple.

“As George Carlin put it, I don’t go for the softening of words, you know what I mean? I like for things to be called what the fuck they are. I think cripple encapsulates something in its raw form. A lot of times, people will get to know us, and they may be friends or they may be relatives, but a lot of what we may get into as far as conversation about what we actually fucking deal with on a daily basis is surface-level shit. I feel like a lot of it is softening for other people’s comfort,” he explained.

“But ‘cripple’ completely covers a lot of the bases of the hardcore shit that we may deal with—whether it’s procedures, or medicine, or emotional things that we may go through in just dealing with society—so I appreciate calling things what they are. For me personally, as someone who’s into hardcore, heavy music, I like a hardcore, heavy term. So for myself, I’m all about it! When I fuck around with my other disabled friends and we joke, we’re real about shit with each other, and it definitely helps me deal with it better, knowing that I don’t have to hide things from my other friends who are also disabled. We can call it what it actually is and actually get humor out of it, rather than it being this taboo term. I think it’s kind of silly to take offense at something because of society’s connotations, when the original form of the word was just meant to be what it is. It is what it is, that’s it.”

I also spoke to José Alaniz, who is a former journalist and the program director for the University of Washington’s disability studies department. Alaniz writes on disability in Eastern Europe and in comics, and hopes to make bridges between cultures and the disabled and non-disabled communities. His thoughts on the word “cripple” circle back to the reclamation efforts that define so much of Cripfest’s mission.

“Cripple is an outdated term, and it’s a term that’s disparaging for many people; it’s like handicapped, which has also gone out of fashion. People try to reclaim the word, of course, with things like crip—so you can talk about somebody being a crip, and that’s like the way people use the word “queer,” where those people are reclaiming it,” he tells me. “That’s what Cripfest is all about. It’s about embracing your cripness, though some people don’t use the word crip, they use disabled or person with disabilities. It’s a very identity politics kind of model. One thing we talk a lot about in disability studies is how, for most of human history, disabled people were either monsters, or they were gods or representations of gods: they were wonderful beings, or they were terrifying beings, or they were beings to be pitied.

“And none of those models is really human. It’s only in the modern era, and really only since the 1970s, with the rise of disability rights, and in 1990 with the ADA, that you’ve begun to have this movement of people who embrace their differences—their physical differences, their mental differences—and where being a crip or being disabled is just about embracing your humanity. It’s about demanding to be taken as an equal, as a human being—which is what we all are—and trying not to be ashamed of difference. Everybody’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. It’s cool—we’re all beautiful!”

This time, being called “beautiful” didn’t bother me. The thought of being beautiful because of—not in spite of—an abnormality or injury or disability is still new to many of us, but it matters so much. That’s probably why the overall vibe at Cripfest was so joyful. Disabled people aren’t monsters, or magickal beings, or actors in anyone’s inspiration porn—we’re just trying to love ourselves and live our fucking lives. Thanks to the ADA and events like Cripfest, it’s getting a little easier.

Kim Kelly is a writer and music journalist based in New York City. She’s currently an editor at Noisey, and freelances for The Guardian, Vice, Spin, Rolling Stone, and more. Her favorite things in life are black tea and black metal.

Top image via Mat Fraser Twitter. All other images via Kim Kelly.

Afghan Intelligence: Taliban Leader Mullah Omar Died Two Years Ago

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Afghan Intelligence: Taliban Leader Mullah Omar Died Two Years Ago

According to Afghanistan’s main intelligence agency, Mullah Mohammad Omar, the Talibans’ spiritual leader turned “secretive head” and lead insurgent after the September 11 attacks, died over two years ago. And as of right now, it’s unclear exactly why it’s taken so long to report the death of the former Bin Laden confidant.

From the AP:

[Mullah Omar] has not been seen in public since fleeing the invasion over the border into Pakistan.

Abdul Hassib Sediqi, the spokesman for Afghanistan’s National Directorate of Security, said Mullah Omar died in a hospital in the Pakistani city of Karachi in April 2013.

“We confirm officially that he is dead,” he told The Associated Press. It was not immediately clear why his death was only being announced now. Neither the Taliban nor Pakistani officials could immediately be reached for comment.

Omar, who sheltered Bin Laden in the years leading up to the attacks on 9/11, was reportedly one of the inspirations for the shooting at Fort Hood several years ago, in which 45 people were ultimately shot. The shooter, Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan, had been apparently been attempting to protect “the leaders of the Islamic emirate of Afghanistan, the Taliban specifically,” which included Mullah Omar.

Experts in the region fear the confirmation of Omar’s death could hinder peace talks with the Taliban. As a diplomat told the AP, “If he is dead, it would be much more difficult to get negotiations with the Taliban because there would be no collective figure to rally around and take collective responsibility for entering peace talks.”


Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com. Image via AP.

U. of Cincinnati Cop Indicted in Traffic Stop Killing, Video Released

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University of Cincinnati police officer Ray Tensing has been charged with murder in the killing of Sam DuBose, a black man, during a traffic stop two weeks ago. Prosecutors today announced the indictment and released video from Tensing’s body camera that shows him shooting DuBose in the head.

Tensing is “on administrative paid leave, and hopefully soon he’ll be on administrative paid leave in a justice center,” Hamilton County prosecutor Joe Deters announced at a press conference before showing the video. Tensing’s attorney said he planned to surrender himself today if indicted.

He faces life in prison.

“I was shocked ... it really broke my heart. It’s just bad. It’s just bad what he did,” Deters said, describing the shooting as an “intentional killing of another human being.”

The prosecutor noted DuBose was dead instantly after being shot in the head, but “he fell forward and must have pressed on the gas,” and Tensing had to chase after his car.

The University of Cincinnati campus was closed Wednesday in anticipation of the grand jury decision.

U. of Cincinnati Cop Indicted in Traffic Stop Killing, Video Released

Update: Tensing turned himself in Wednesday afternoon.

Update 2: The full video of the incident, with audio, is now above.

[Photo: WISTV]

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

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This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we think about Reese Witherspoon’s husband for the first time in two years, rewatch the dashcam footage of her arrest, and keep repeating “I am a U.S. citizen” in her voice while thinking, “You know what? I sort of wish she had won the Oscar for Wild.” This week: Julia Roberts and Danny Moder are divorcing, Blake’s alleged mistress makes a weird comment about what love is, Miranda cheated on Blake with 5-6 guys, and we find out that Kylie Jenner is ALREADY MARRIED TO TYGA.

And here......we......go:


OK!

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

$225 MILLION DIVORCE

Wow, I can’t believe it. “After 13 years of marriage, Julia Roberts and Danny Moder (remember Danny Moder?) are on the verge of calling it quits.” The “once smitten pair” is “rarely seen together” because they’re “quietly laying the groundwork for what they hope will be a quickie divorce.” The couple, who met on the set of The Mexican (remember The Mexican?), has been fighting for some time now. Danny is tired of “playing second fiddle” to Julia—a “very emotional person” who regularly “treats him like dirt.” And even though Julia wants them to stay together, Danny has finally had enough. A source says “it’s going to get ugly,” and a lot of her “vast fortune” might end up going to him. OK, I’m sorry, but can we backtrack for a second? Who the hell is Danny Moder again?

Wow, I can’t believe THIS either! Beyoncé is pregnant! A source told OK! that “after rounds of IVF treatments,” there is a new life growing inside Mrs. Carter! “Even though she’s barely showing,” the source continued, “she’s paranoid someone will pick up on it, so she’s hiding her stomach whenever she goes out.” No word yet on whether she’ll be using the same stomach as last time.

And Also:

  • Britney Spears wants either Jennifer Lawrence, Kristen Stewart, or Natalie Portman to star in her biopic?
  • Amy Poehler wants to keep boyfriend Nick Kroll’s billionaire father happy, so she refuses to make fun of the Kroll family in public.
  • Caitlyn Jenner is “obsessed” with surgery now.
  • Jeremy Renner kicked his “roommate” out of their house.
  • Rihanna “thinks Taylor [Swift] can dish it but can’t take it.”
  • Naomi Watts had threw a “tantrum” at an Armani show.
  • Kate Hudson “flipped” when she saw photos of her ex-fiance with his new girlfriend.
  • George and Amal Clooney go on double dates with Channing and Jenna Tatum. I would like to apply for the position of Fifth Wheel.

Grade: D (Four years after giving birth, people keep saying you faked your last pregnancy.)


Life & Style

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

KYLIE MAKES IT OFFICIAL: TEEN BRIDE

OK, so not only are 17-year-old Kylie Kardashian and 25-year-old Tyga planning a TV wedding that will be filmed later this year, they’re ALREADY SECRETLY MARRIED. And they have Kris Jenner’s approval! Mommie Dearest “thinks she can easily make $5 million or more from Kylie and Tyga’s ‘I do’s,” and “Kylie wants this wedding to be bigger than both of Kim’s weddings and Khloe’s wedding to Lamar Odom.” Other rumors: she’s going to wear a custom Balmain gown, Kendall will be the maid of honor, Caitlin will walk her down the aisle, they have an ‘ironclad prenup,’ and Blac Chyna hates everything about it.

Speaking of weddings, Calvin Harris bought Taylor Swift an engagement ring! Or maybe he’s about to buy her an engagement ring? This article is unclear, but either way - they’re getting married, and Taylor will have (or already has) a “big” and “chunky” ring that costs “at least $500,000.” I hope it fits, otherwise she’ll be able to accidentally shake it off! Right?! Eh? Not good? OK, whatever. So Calvin (once he buys this ring, if he hasn’t already) is probably going to propose to Taylor in Nashville, and then they’re going to sign an “ironclad prenup.” If they need a good lawyer, I think Kylie might be able to give them a reference.

Newly single Scott Disick is “spiraling out of control with booze and drugs” and “everyone is scared he isn’t going to make it.” Kourtney Kardashian is more worried than anyone, and might “have him forcibly hospitalized in a psychiatric ward.” He’s the father of her children, after all, and she doesn’t want him to die - which sources suggest he could do “if they do nothing.” Until then, Scott will continue getting paid to take photos inside 1OAK locations around the country. So at least he’ll be easy to find!

And Also:

  • Rihanna’s new boyfriend already has a girlfriend.
  • Lindsay Lohan dined and dashed “on a $1,300 bill.”
  • Kaitlyn Bristowe wants “five kids and a dog.”
  • Demi Moore is selling the home where that guy drowned.
  • Miley Cyrus cheated on her girlfriend Stella Maxwell with Mike WiLL Made-It.
  • Caitlyn Jenner “wants to look like Angelina” Jolie.
  • Oooh! A full-page ad for Ricki and the Flash! I ripped it out and might hang up up.
  • The Royal Family is still at war for boring reasons.
  • Amal Clooney is probably pregnant. But also she probably isn’t.
  • If you don’t wear porcelain prints I’m going to scream!

Wrong Answer:

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

Grade: D+ (You go to a party at any 1OAK.)


inTouch

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

BLAKE’S OTHER WOMAN TELLS ALL

Cady Groves, the country singer who may or may not have had a small part in the divorce of Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, “opened up” to inTouch about her relationship with Mr. Shelton. One of her friends says “she told us she had sex with [Blake]...for at least a year.” And Cady herself says she never stopped loving him. “I don’t hate him,” she said. “He is an amazing person...When you love someone, it doesn’t matter if they run over your heart with a truck and shoot you in the face—you forgive them.” Hmmm. I would immediately sever all ties with someone who ran over my heart and shot me in the face, but I guess true love affects everyone a little differently! Like they always say, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry, even if you run over your lover’s heart with a truck and shoot them in the face.”

“Kim can’t stop eating.” You hear me? She can’t stop! It’s her body, she can do what she wants. And what she wants is to eat forever and ever - even when asleep. She’s probably eating right now! When pregnant with North, she admitted craving “cheese, chili cheese fries...everything with cheese.” But now she’s “more ravenous than ever.” A source says “her favorite foods are Big Macs, In-N-Out’s cheese fries, Taco Bell’s Crunchwrap Supreme, and KFC’s Chicken Littles.” Same! When Kanye is watching, she eats “lean protein” and “vegetables,” but the moment he’s out of sight, she binges on junk.

Interview Response of the Week: Tamra Judge

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

And Also:

  • Tom Cruise has so many secrets.
  • 50 Cent “faked being rich.”
  • A lot of people are fighting over Bobbi Kristina Brown’s millions.
  • Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo’s marriage is “on the rocks.”
  • Kaitlyn and Shawn will have a “million-dollar wedding” paid for by ABC.
  • Teresa Giudice has banned Melissa Gorga from visiting her in prison.
  • So many famous people wear coats in the summer.

Wrong Answer:

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

Grade: C- (Your lover runs over your heart with a truck, but doesn’t even bother going all the way by shooting you in the face.)


Star

MIRANDA CHEATED WITH FIVE MEN!

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

OK, disregard everything you just read about Blake Shelton’s alleged mistress, because the REAL reason for their divorce was Miranda Lambert’s cheating! With five different guys!!! Maybe! I guess. Who knows, right? This divorce is nuts and I’m sick of writing about it. The newest gossip is that Miranda (whom Star refers to as “the fastest girl in town”) had flings with country singers Jeff Allen and Jamey Johnson, a Major League Baseball player named Josh Beckett, her “former tourmate” Chris Young, and two unnamed staffers. That adds up to six? Right? You missed your chance at a more exciting headline, Star.

Whoa, I haven’t thought about Reese Witherspoon’s husband, Jim Toth, since my favorite video of all time was put online, but he’s in back in the tabloids this week for “drinking away his marriage.” Apparently Toth has been going to Tavern Restaurant in Brentwood, CA “multiple times a week by himself to watch whatever sports team is on TV.” He gets hammered, “and by the end of happy hour, he’s shouting at the TV.” One of the other regulars says they “can’t imagine Reese is too happy about the amount of time he spends” there, but maybe she loves it? After all, she has books to read and coffee to drink. Jim would just be in her way.

Should We Buy This For Jezebel’s New Office?

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

And Also:

  • Tobey McGuire was “awful to be around” on the set of his Bobby Fischer biopic.
  • Scott Disick thinks E! will give him a spin-off.
  • Dance Mom’s Abby Lee Miller is “rude, obnoxious, and entitled.”
  • Miley Cyrus and Stella Maxwell are moving in together.
  • Teresa Giudice is divorcing Joe.
  • Tom Hiddleston and Elizabeth Olson are so in love that they want to shoot each other in the face.
  • Rachel McAdams and Taylor Kitsch are so in love that they want to shoot each other in the face.

Wrong Answer:

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

Grade: D+ (You try to buy a Michelle Obama statue and are told they’re sold out.)


Appendix:

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

Fig. 1 (inTouch)

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

Fig. 2 (OK!)

This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

Fig. 3 (Star)


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

500 Days of Kristin, Day 185: Did Kristin Make Less Money Than Audrina?

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500 Days of Kristin, Day 185: Did Kristin Make Less Money Than Audrina?

On September 29, 2009, The Daily Beast released a blockbuster report that shook our nation to its core. With its publication, previously guarded information became public to American citizens for the first time: the (inflated) salaries of the women and men then starring on MTV’s reality TV dramedy The Hills.

“Hills Salaries Exposed” revealed the money each personality on the show was taking home per episode. Did Kristin Cavallari, then the show’s narrator and star, command the most cash? Not according to The Daily Beast’s inside source, who revealed that while Audrina Patridge and Lauren “Lo” Bosworth each commanded $100,000 per episode, Kristin only got $90,000.

I know.

At the time, Kristin denied in a radio interview with Ryan Seacrest that she was paid less than her sometimes-nemesis Audrina. When asked about the report, she responded:

I can...[protracted sigh]. Well. I can tell you that’s not true...Those [reports] are really, really not true. They aren’t true.

Kristin could not tell Ryan Seacrest anything else.


This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photos via Getty]

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

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Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

Windows 10 defies review.

It’s not a finished product. It will never be a finished product, if you believe Microsoft. Like Apple with Mac OS X, Microsoft has decided that the tenth version of their operating system will be the final one—it’ll just get updated, year after year.

Only with Windows 10, even some already-announced features aren’t quite here. On Windows phones, Xbox One game consoles, and reality-bending headsets like Microsoft HoloLens, Windows 10 has totally different interfaces we haven’t even tried yet. Sooner or later, Windows 10 is coming to all these platforms too.

More importantly, Windows 10 is coming to hundreds of millions of PC users, each person installing it on a slightly different computer, installing different apps and using different features. “We’re making pizza for 1.5 billion people,” Windows 10 user experience manager Mohammed Samji likes to joke. “What topping do you want?”

No one person or publication can review all those different experiences. Not even the ones available today, to say nothing of the ones to come.

Which is why many Windows 10 reviews you’ll see on the web are just an overview of the new features you can expect to see, and a cursory idea of how well they work. Not that there’s anything wrong with overviews! Here’s a great one:http://lifehacker.com/the-best-new-f...

But what we decided to do, instead, is tackle Windows 10 totally anecdotally. These are our experiences with Windows 10. The things we discovered, good and bad. Not necessarily the shiniest new shiny things, but the parts of the new operating system that actually impacted us for better or for worse. Chief among them: the upgrade process itself. What did we find broken after we installed?

This is not a complete list. There’s much, much more to test, and so we’ll be adding to this post (even later today!) as we experience new things. Our week with Windows 10 was just the start.

What you should take away from this is that your mileage may, can, and will vary. And, yeah, that you should probably wait a few weeks or months before you upgrade your personal computers. Everyone seems to agree on that.

Okay, okay, you’d probably like to read about an operating system now. Here we go!


Why I’m Upgrading to Windows 10

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

One week from today, Windows 10 will arrive. I’m not going to wait. I’m putting it all on the line, starting today. [Read more]


Windows 10, Day One

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

Last night, as promised, I installed Windows 10 on my own personal laptop. I left everything to chance. I didn’t back up my data. Hell, I set my Lenovo ThinkPad X240 on the floor of a pizza parlor in San Francisco—dongle and all—and let it install totally unattended. [Read more]


Windows 10, Day Two

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

Two days ago, I promised to upgrade my personal desktop and laptop to Windows 10, to demonstrate how wonderful or terrible the migration from Windows 8 might be. Yesterday, I was surprised how painless it felt. Today, I’m feeling a little pain. [Read more]


I Installed Windows 10 and Now I’m Talking to My Computer

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

Unless you’re one of the handful of people rocking a Windows Phone, you won’t have much experience with Cortana, Microsoft’s personal digital assistant. With the roll-out of Windows 10, Cortana is about to make a lot of new friends very quickly—and like me, they might soon find themselves shouting instructions at their computer on a regular basis. [Read more]


Windows Search Doesn’t Suck Anymore

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

The first thing that everyone notices about Windows 10 is that the Start Menu is back. It’s a cool feature, but an irrelevant one. Thanks to the absurdly powerful new system-wide Search, you’re never going to need a Start Menu again. [Read more]


Windows 10, Days Three and Four

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

This weekend, I took Windows 10 to a LAN party. It was pretty great. [Read more]


Windows 10, Day Five

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

The nice thing about reviewing Windows 10 on my own computers is that there’s nowhere to hide. When something goes wrong, I have to troubleshoot on the fly. I can’t say “Oh, I’ll just go back to my personal computer until I figure this out.” You know what’s not so nice? When you shoot the trouble, and yet—somehow—it survives. [Read more]


Does Windows 10 Make Sense on a Big Touchscreen PC?

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

I own a Dell XPS One 27—a giant touchscreen PC. It’s basically a huge 27-inch monitor with an entire computer crammed inside. The Windows equivalent of an iMac. [Read more]


The Windows 7 Upgrade to Windows 10 Isn’t So Scary After All

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

I liked Windows 7—so much that I almost didn’t want to give it up. Vista was horrible, and I balked at the dramatic changes in Windows 8 and 8.1. Upgrading to Windows 10 from Windows 7 is not quite as seamless as the move from Windows 8.1, but it’s close. [Read more]


Settings Are Better in Windows 10, But That’s Not Saying Much


Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

Computer settings in Windows 8 were a hot mess: they were split between PC Settings and Control Panel, two completely separate ways to change most settings, but with enough differences that you had to use both. Windows 10 makes things better, but I still wouldn’t give the engineers a gold star. [Read more]


Microsoft Forgot To Fix One Major Thing in Windows 10

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

There’s been exactly one thing keeping me from buying a Windows laptop for the last three years: Windows sucks at handling high-resolution displays in small laptops. [Read more]


Windows 10 Battery Life Is Better—Except When It’s Worse

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

I’ve had a devil of a time trying to figure out whether Windows 10 is helping or hurting when it comes to battery life. The answer: It’s complicated. [Read more]


Windows 10 Is Hiding a Great Video Capture Tool

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

The latest version of Windows is hiding a very welcome and well-executed feature: a video-capture tool baked right into the operating system. [Read more]


Yes, You Can Use Cortana in Windows 10 With Any Old Microphone

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

One of the coolest new Windows 10 features is talking to your computer. For many people, it’ll be the first time they’ve had a voice-activated personal assistant on tap. And yet, most computers won’t have Cortana turned on by default. Here’s the easy fix. [Read more]


The Ultimate Guide to Windows 10 Keyboard Shortcuts

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

If you want to give the impression that you’ve been using Windows 10 for years, learning a few keyboard shortcuts is the best way to go about it—you can navigate around the interface, get apps in position, trigger events, change settings and more with a couple of taps on your keyboard. Here are the shortcuts we’ve been finding most useful. [Read more]


Here’s The Incredibly Hacky Way to Disable Windows 10 Updates

Windows 10 auto-downloads and auto-installs updates. This is mostly a Good Thing for general security, but becomes a Bad Thing when said update installs a glitchy graphics driver that breaks your desktop. There is a way to disable auto-updates, but it’s not pretty. [Read more]


Download Offline Maps on Windows 10 and Never Be Lost Again

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

Windows 10 comes with a Maps app built in. In uses Nokia’s nifty (and good!) Here Maps, and Microsoft even lets you download regions for offline perusal. [Read more]


How to Skip the Line and Upgrade to Windows 10 Now

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

If you’ve reserved a copy of Windows 10 but haven’t gotten the upgrade prompt yet, here’s a secret: you can skip the line and upgrade right now. (from our sister site, Lifehacker)


PSA: Windows 10 Isn’t a Risk Free Upgrade

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

Reviewers agree that Windows 10 is awesome. Reviewers also agree that you should probably wait till bugs get fixed. But maybe you’ve heard that you can simply revert to Windows 8.1 if you don’t like it. Well... I just tried it, and it’s not quite that simple. [Read more]


How to Do a Clean Install of Windows 10

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

Windows 10 is finally here, and your computer will automatically prompt you to upgrade. But if you’d rather start fresh, you can do a clean install—you just need to follow a few steps in the right order. (also from Lifehacker)


Check These 5 Settings After Installing Windows 10

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

You’ve taken the plunge and got Microsoft’s brand new operating system up and running on your machine—now what? Before you start familiarizing yourself with the ins and outs of the software, take a tour around these five settings and make sure Windows 10 is working the way you want. [Read more]


Windows 10 Meta Review: Download It, In A Month or Two

Windows 10: The Gizmodo Review

You can now go get Windows 10—if you registered for the update months ago, and if Microsoft has rolled it out to your PC. But should you? Here’s the collective wisdom. [Read more]


Contact the author at sean.hollister@gizmodo.com.

Debris Found in Indian Ocean Might Belong to Missing Flight MH370

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Debris Found in Indian Ocean Might Belong to Missing Flight MH370

Sixteen months after Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared, debris from the aircraft may have been found near an island in the western Indian Ocean. CNN is, of course, all over the story and reports that French authorities believe the apparent wreckage might be a wing flap from the doomed plane.

French Air Force Adjutant Christian Retournat told CNN the debris was found off the coast of Reunion Island, a French department in the Indian Ocean. “It is way too soon to say whether or not it is MH370. We just found the debris this morning,” he said.

Not long after taking off from Kuala Lumpur on March 8, 2014, the Beijing-bound MH370 veered off course and vanished over the Indian Ocean. While the search for the plane continues, the Malaysian government officially declared the incident an accident in January 2015 and said that all 239 people onboard are presumed dead.http://gawker.com/which-flight-m...

UPDATE 6:00 p.m.: According to the Associated Press, air safety investigators have identified the debris with a “high degree of confidence” as a component unique to a Boeing 777, the same type of aircraft as MH370.


Image via Getty. Contact the author at taylor@gawker.com.


A Parched Millionaire Broke Into Obama's Favorite Bistro to Steal Vodka

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A Parched Millionaire Broke Into Obama's Favorite Bistro to Steal Vodka

What’s a thirsty millionaire to do when he’s fiending for a Campari and there’s nary a bar in sight? Ignoring the fact that this happened in Georgetown, a college town literally lined with bars, the answer for one PR exec was apparently clear: break into a fancy restaurant and steal $100 worth of shitty booze.

Cops say David Bass, a “prominent” public relations guy, and a second, sweaty friend broke into Washington’s nightly nexus of power—a restaurant known as Café Milano—and raided the bar, taking with them a bottle of Campari and a bottle of Grey Goose.

(The restaurant, perhaps in spite of its menu, is a haven for the rich and powerful—even the Obama’s like it, or at least pretend to: Michelle Obama celebrated her 49th there.)

At least “a dozen” of Bass’s so-called say that’s definitely him on the tape, the Washington Post reports.

It’s not clear how he and his buddy got in or why they didn’t just walk three blocks over to the Ritz for a drink at the bar like a normal person, but for two residents of a town full of thieves, they weren’t particularly subtle. The Post reports an overnight cleaning person immediately alerted management, who called the police.

According to the Post, there’s a warrant out for at least one of the men’s arrest—if I had to guess, I’d say ol’ sweaty fingers—but Bass’s record isn’t exactly clean either. He was apparently indicted for “belligerent behavior” on a 2009 domestic flight, but got the charges dismissed claiming he had an allergic reaction.

They say a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client—I’m not so sure it’s that different in PR.


Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

Story Argues Against Flying With Support Animals; I Remain Unconvinced

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Story Argues Against Flying With Support Animals; I Remain Unconvinced

Take one look at the gif above and tell me that seeing a turtle scuttling around wouldn’t improve the experience of being cattle-herded through one of the circles of hell that is a U.S. airport. The answer should be clear to you (it is, “Yes, that would improve my travel experience greatly”), but just in case you’re on the fence, let me help: The turtle’s name is Xena.

Story Argues Against Flying With Support Animals; I Remain Unconvinced

Look at this picture and tell me that you’ve had in your lifetime a vacation that is more notable than this one single still image. If I saw this happening in person, it would not just make my trip or my month or my year, it would make my life.

Story Argues Against Flying With Support Animals; I Remain Unconvinced

Gaze into the sleepy eyes of this lizard and tell me that you’d have any issue riding alongside him anywhere. He’s a lizard! He’s not going to bother you at all! Leave him alone, he’s working. His name is Chief.

All of these joy-giving images were used in vain to show how big of a problem “emotional support” animals on planes can be in a recent NBC Chicago news story. Anchor Scott Gordon reported that, “It sounds crazy and it is, but these days don’t be surprised if you find a parrot in the seat next to you.” I would be surprised, and I would be delighted, as someone who loves surprises. I would, frankly, much rather talk to a parrot on an airplane than one of my fellow humans. I bet that would be the most interesting airplane conversation I’ve ever had, in fact.

“Some flight attendants say it is a growing threat to your safety,” claimed another anchor in the story’s intro, but never explained precisely is how. I’m not scared of lap animals! If I have to start worrying about getting punched by a kangaroo on a nonstop to L.A., that’s such an absurd scenario that I’m more than happy to add it to my list of fears while flying. I’m tickled at the mere thought, and frankly it would be an honor just to be considered as a target of one of those majestic creatures.

Laura Glading, president of the American Airlines flight attendants union, claims that the animals “are allowed to wander freely,” which seems extremely hard to believe. I have been yelled at so many times after we’ve reached cruising altitude but before the seatbelt light has gone off and, “I’m sorry but I’m literally going to piss myself if I don’t go now,” is not a sufficient answer to many flight attendants. The only beings allowed to wander freely on planes are flight attendants. Maybe Glading feels threatened.

NBC Chicago even got a blind guy named Greg Pullman, who actually relies on an animal as opposed to a person who lies about needing “support” from his “animal,” to weigh in on this matter and this is what he said: “A lot of people go online and they just purchase and...purchase these documents that aren’t real and it needs to stop.” That’s not supporting evidence, it’s just the story’s thesis as repeated by a blind guy!

The point of the NBC Chicago broadcast is to illustrate how easy it is to register your pet as a support animal. “All you need is a letter from a doctor,” reports Gordon, who says there’s a “cottage industry” online of doctors willing to write such letters. Seems shady, sure, but I still haven’t a clue as to what the fuck is wrong with bringing a kangaroo on a plane.

The full story is below.

[h/t Josh Barro]

Video of Sam DuBose's Death Drastically Different From the Police Report

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Video of Sam DuBose's Death Drastically Different From the Police Report

University of Cincinnati police officer Ray Tensing was charged Wednesday with the murder of Sam DuBose, 43, an unarmed black driver he had pulled over for an alleged missing license plate. At the indictment announcement, prosecutors also released video from Tensing’s body camera that directly contradicts the police report on DuBose’s death.http://documents.gawker.com/police-report-...

In the narrative submitted by officer Eric Weibel, one of the cops who responded to the scene after Tensing shot DuBose in the head, “Officer Tensing stated that he was attempting a traffic stop ... when at some point, he began to be dragged by a male black driver. ... Officer Tensing stated that he was almost run over by the driver, and was forced to shoot the driver with his duty weapon. ... Officer Tensing repeated that he was dragged by the vehicle and had to fire his weapon.”

Another officer, Phillip Kidd, apparently backed Tensing’s account. Weibel writes, “Officer Kidd told me that he witnessed the Honda Accord drag Officer Tensing, and that he witnessed Officer Tensing fire a single shot.”

But that’s not precisely what we see on the body camera video. Officer Tensing can be heard questioning DuBose about his license, while DuBose insists that it’s not suspended, but he doesn’t have it with him. They go back and forth on this point for a few moments, until Tensing orders DuBose to take off his seatbelt. DuBose puts one hand on the car window and the other on the key in the ignition. Seconds later, Tensing takes his gun out and shoots DuBose—who is now holding both hands up—once in the head.

Video of Sam DuBose's Death Drastically Different From the Police Report

According to the prosecution—and this squares with the video evidence—the car didn’t start moving until after Tensing fired the fatal shot.http://gawker.com/u-of-cincinnat...

“It is our belief that he was not dragged. If you slow down this tape you see what happens, it is a very slow period of time from when the car starts rolling to when a gun is out and he’s shot in the head,” Hamilton County Prosecutor Joe Deters said Wednesday.

He said Tensing fell back after firing the shot, and the car—which accelerated when DuBose’s dead body slumped and “his foot must have pressed on the gas”—didn’t pull him at all.

University of Cincinnati police chief Jason Goodrich claimed July 20 that, when asked for his license, DuBose instead, “produced a bottle of alcohol from inside the car, handing it to Officer Tensing.”

In the video, DuBose does hand over what appears to be a pint bottle of gin, but he does so in response to a direct request from Tensing. Tensing asks him what’s in it, but his response isn’t clearly audible.

“This is, in the vernacular, a pretty chicken-crap stop, all right?” Deters said Wednesday, “And – I could use harsher words.”

“I’ve been doing this for 30 years. This is the most asinine act I’ve ever seen a police officer make, totally unwarranted.”

[photo: WISTV]

Deadspin Taste Roger Goodell’s Wrath With Our NFL Punishment Generator | Gizmodo Windows 10: The Giz

Neighbor: Elderly Shrub Fucker Apologized for Fucking Shrub

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Neighbor: Elderly Shrub Fucker Apologized for Fucking Shrub

An 81-year-old alleged shrub fucker was arrested in Connecticut on Monday after allegedly fucking a shrub, the Associated Press reports.

Police say they were alerted to Wallace Berg’s alleged shrub-fucking by a neighbor who saw him walking around nude “in plain view of anyone in the area” and “humping” a bush. From the Connecticut Post:

After witnessing the bush incident, police said the neighbor told them he confronted Berg who, “stopped the indecent behavior, covered himself with a grill cover, apologized to him and then went into the house.”

According to the Post, the neighbor then showed video of the alleged shrub fucker’s actions to police, who charged Berg with second-degree breach of peace and public indecency.

It remains to be proven in a court of law if Berg is indeed a shrub fucker, but if so it appears he is a remorseful one.

[Image via Shutterstock]

Matthew Sanchez, the 911 operator who allegedly hung up on a woman aiding a dying teen after telling

Law & Order Director Arrested for Child Pornography

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Law & Order Director Arrested for Child Pornography

Television director Jason “Jace” Alexander—not to be confused with Seinfeld star Jason Alexander—was arrested in New York on Wednesday on child pornography charges, CBS New York reports.

In addition to directing 32 episodes of Law & Order, Alexander is the Second Vice-President of the Director’s Guild of America and is credited for 18 episodes of Rescue Me.

According to Westchester County prosecutors, an investigator was able to download child pornography from an IP address determined to be assigned to the director’s house. From The Wrap:

After a search warrant was executed at Alexander’s home address, a forensic examination of computers and external hard drives removed from the location revealed digital files of children who are less than 16 years of age engaged in child pornography, according to the DA.

Alexander now faces one felony count of promoting a sexual performance by a child and one felony count of possessing an obscene sexual performance by a child.

If convicted, he reportedly faces up to seven years in prison.

[Image via Westchester County District Attorney//h/t ET]


No, Ben Affleck Is Not Dating the Nanny, According to Ben Affleck

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No, Ben Affleck Is Not Dating the Nanny, According to Ben Affleck

Earlier today, Bobby Finger—Jezebel writer, rumormonger, and my enemy—reported that Ben Affleck has been dating his children’s nanny, Christine Ouzounian, since his separation from Jennifer Garner. Well, BOBBY, Ben Affleck has responded to these allegations and wants you to know that YOU’RE A LIAR.

Via Page Six:

“The story is complete garbage and full of lies. You shouldn’t be able to hide behind ‘blind sources’ and attempt to destroy families going through a difficult time. The tabloid [Us Weekly] decided to construct stories in order to sell magazines. It’s like story time in kindergarten. It’s shameful and desperate,” a rep for Affleck told Page Six on Wednesday.

“Ben’s focus has been on his family and his work—with family coming first,” a source tells E! News. “Dating is not his focus and it hasn’t been his focus throughout the separation period... There is nothing physical or romantic between Ben and Christine... Ben is super friendly and sometimes that is misconstrued.”

Ben’s reps are currently considering taking legal action agains US Weekly, the tabloid that originally ran the story about his alleged affair with the nanny. No word so far on whether or not he’ll be suing Bobby Finger personally.

(Please note that all my bitterness towards Bobby Finger stems from him being taller and better at Photoshop than me.)

[Page Six/E! News]


  • Oh, god: Michelle Williams is dating Jonathan Safran Foer. [US Weekly]
  • Caitlyn and Kris Jenner are trying to bury the hatchet. [TMZ]
  • One Direction’s Louis Tomlinson, who is probably going to be a dad soon, is still wasting time on his Naughty Boy feud. [Billboard]
  • While Louis was stomping on a piñata, Zayn Malik was getting signed to RCA. [ONTD]
  • These days, Miranda Lambert is living off “caffeine and sad songs.” [Gossip Cop]
  • I don’t care what TMZ says. Amber Rose’s vocabulary lessons with her son Sebastian are freaking adorable. [TMZ]
  • Coco is thrilled to be knocked up with Ice T’s baby and we’re thrilled for her. [US Weekly]

    Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com.

    Image via Sony Pictures Television, art by Bobby Finger.

    Two Dead After Small Plane Crashes at Milwaukee Airport

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    Two Dead After Small Plane Crashes at Milwaukee Airport

    A single-engine passenger plane carrying two people crashed and caught fire at Milwaukee’s Timmerman Airport Wedndesday evening, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reports. The Milwaukee County Department of Transportation has confirmed that both passengers have died.

    From WITI:

    [Witness] Kenneth Gipp heard a noise just after 6 p.m. and looked out his brother’s window to discover a shocking sight.

    “Like a loud engine noise. I saw the aircraft leaning real hard to the right, it looked like the wing hit the ground first,” said Gipp.

    Gipp saw the nose of the plane crashing into the ground.

    “There were just a line of flames going from where it hit up to the plane,” said Gipp.

    It was not immediately known what caused the crash, but according to TMJ4, the plane radioed in to announce a “go-around,” or aborted landing, just before the fire broke out.

    [Image via WTMJ]

    According to Politico, former Virginia Governor and future Google search term “Jim Gilmore” filed pa

    Baby Elephant Frolics With Birds Baby Elephant Frolics With Birds Baby Elephant Frolics With Birds

    Millennials Won't Get Out There and Feather Their Own Nests

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    Millennials Won't Get Out There and Feather Their Own Nests

    “Millennials,” a demographic group defined by a slavish devotion to “keeping it real” by purchasing the correct consumer products, are now old enough to be “out there” in the world, “doing their thing.” Instead, they are living at home.

    Of course, it is not the fault of the millennial generation that they are living at home; as young people at the low end of the potential earning spectrum, they are, broadly speaking, at the mercy of vast economic forces beyond their control, many of which disadvantage them in favor of the white middle-aged men who actually control the economy.

    On the other hand get the fuck out of the house and take your Taylor Swift kitsch collection with you, millennials—grow up and listen to Tom Waits (in your own apartment)!

    A new Pew Center analysis shows that notwithstanding the roaring rebound from the depths of the Great Recession by middle-aged white men, millennials are now less likely to be living on their own, and more likely to be living at home, than they were during the recession. Despite a significant drop in millennial unemployment since the recession, “there has been no uptick in the number of young adults establishing their own households.”

    Ehh... I blame millennials. Fuck it.

    Millennials!

    [Artist’s photographic representation of concept: Flickr]

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