I’m sitting in the phone room trying to use Google Docs new voice typing feature so far it’s working pretty well. it turns out that voice typing won’t punctuate your sentences for you. Capital R. I’m not sure how to capitalize the first word in a sentence. also, it censors your curse words.

The linguist and blogger Gretchen McCullough reports that voice typing will use words In sentences like I wish My f****** computer would treat me like an adult voice typing feature is a real piece of s***. new on

There are some errors in the paragraph above. McCaulou’s surname is spelled incorrectly. in the previous sentence, it is spelled incorrectly again. You’ll have to click the link to her blog at the bottom of this post in order to learn the correct spelling, it looks like. Also, the paragraph above should read quote backspace delete quotation mark

Let’s try that again. also, the second paragraph should read italic

New on

Let’s try that again. also, the second paragraph should read Will use asterisks to censor your words, not will use words. it is difficult or impossible to generate quotation marks or otherwise indicate a quote. I’m not sure whether it’s possible to delete text. Sometimes the program here’s new on instead of the command that generates a line break, which I won’t stay here for fear Love Actually Love Actually actually generating of actually generating a line break. it also has difficulty with homonyms, such as here and here. good try.

Open parentheses. nope, that doesn’t work either. what I was trying to say before was, and this next part is a quote, which I won’t say here for fear of actually generating a line break. it worked! Hell yeah.

Back to the matter at hand. Voice typing will let you say hello. god dammit. voice typing will let you say hello. god dammit. voice typing will let you say god dammit as well as hell, which it will occasionally interpret as hello.

Let’s test the limits of what’s permissible with George Carlin’s famous 7 words you can’t say on television. shall we begin? s*** piss f*** c*** c********* mother f***** tits.

I wish my f****** computer would treat me like an adult.

h/t Strong Language. Contact the author at andy@gawker.com.

This is a screen shot from Slave Tetris, which I can assure you was a very real mini-game once featured in Playing History 2: Slave Trade. Originally released in 2013, the mini-game has now been removed, following a backlash after the developer promoted a Steam sale.

The Playing History series comes from Serious Games, a developer trying to infuse games with the past by “experiencing engaging and personal stories set in exhilarating points in world history.” Slave Trade was the third game in the Playing History series, preceded by Vikings and Plague.

Here, you’re the captain of a slave ship, and Slave Tetris tries to convey how little room there was for the people being transported. Slave Trade made it through Steam’s Greenlight process back in 2014, and the mini-game was briefly seen in the trailer. (It’s at the 40-second mark.)

How does a game from 2013, which was added to Steam in 2014, cause a controversy in 2015?

You can imagine some of the responses to that Tweet, a mixture of outrage, hardline defenses of creative freedom, and people yelling as loudly as possible.

It didn’t take long for the backlash to spread, with mainstream outlets like BuzzFeed, ThinkProgress, and the Daily Mail writing stories about the game.

This quickly resulted in a backpedalling by Serious Games, who decided to remove Slave Tetris. The rest of the game is still for sale on Steam, though. (I just downloaded it and played it.)

This did little to quell anger, since the apology was couched in language that pointed the finger at everyone else, rather than any introspection or reflection by Serious Games.

Serious Games CEO Simon Egenfeldt-Nielsen released a brief statement to ThinkProgress, in which he pointed to the game’s awards as signs of success and suggested a cultural divide between Europe and the US was actually at fault:

Maybe there is just a lot of culturally differences in what you can discuss and express – and maybe just maybe there are larger issues at stake here then whether slave tetris was bad taste or not… and maybe as a lot of the tweeters say a stupid white dane like me don’t know anything, and shouldn’t be allowed to say a single word about the story of African-Americans.

What do I know.. We just tried to make a game to teach about what we thought was an important topic. We did spend a lot time doing it, We did consult with experts. We didn’t set out to make a racist or inflammatory game. Actually the opposite – a game where you would understand slave trade from the inside by escaping slavery… I have reached the conclusion that no matter what we had done it would have been wrong.

Hmm.

But Egenfeldt-Nielsen is pretending this is the first time he’s heard this criticism, which is not true. Slave Trade was approved for Steam via Greenlight last summer, and in a post from September 2014, he responded to criticisms for how the game portrayed such a serious subject:

I think it is a real shame that a lot of people are so ignorant towards the potential of games for more than entertainment. Like any medium or tool it can be used for good or evil. It is our aim to reach people that would normally not reflect or learn about this subject. Furthermore, I have a feeling that many of the negative reactions in here are knee-jerk reactions and sheeps following what other says. Please take time to look at the game before forming your opinion.

[...]

I grant that the stacking of slaves in Tetris is a borderline example (it makes up about 30 seconds of the entire game) but please allow me to explain the point. Slave ships was actually almost stacked like you do in Tetris (google stacking slaves, and see the images) as you had to very careful to make the most room to earn as much money as possible - things had to fall into place. As such we try in the game to communicate the absurdity of the past. Our experience is that in the game it really gets people to think about just how absurd and cruel it is - trust me nobody is laughing or finding it a joke to play that kind of Tetris. They do however get a ahaa experience that will indeed haunt them. They will also discuss afterwards, and most of them will probably remember more than did from most their history lessons.

Nothing about the game was changed, and when I asked Egenfeldt-Nielsen about why he never considered altering the game’s design, he stood firm.

“I still believe the game mechanics convey in a very powerful way one of the most important points with slave trade then and now: that you dehumanize and objectify people into bricks,” he said to me over email. “It makes you think and reflect— was it really like that. Did people really do that to each other. I have been a classroom using the games, and I have seen middle schools students have this discussion. It is hard and sensitive—of course. Should we stop teaching kids about in a way they can understand—I don’t think so. I may be wrong but that was the goal to create a strong education experience.”

That said, “I have a feeling that many of the negative reactions in here are knee-jerk reactions and sheeps following what other says” is not a terrific way to thoughtfully respond to criticism! He even repeated a version of this line in a follow-up post on the game’s Steam message board.

I have not included the random - you are a racist, disgusting, crazy comments, if you can’t see how crazy you are I can’t explain you etc. Lots of people just following like sheep because something on the surface looks wrong. People are so eager to just jump on a wagon. I think the situation we have where people behave this way is far more worrying than any game that could ever be made. We are going towards a closed society, where sensitive and controversial subjects are not welcome in public because it causes an outcry focusing on motives and persons rather than the subject which stops any open debate.

When asked, Egenfeldt-Nielsen showed little regret for using the term.

“Well, when people look at game, and call it racist because it has black people, and another in a tweet say so—not sure what else to call it,” he said. “The amount of people that think you are a slave trade in the game is probably above 50% when in fact in the game you are playing a slave that is trying to survive and escape.”

In other places, though, he tried to show a little empathy.

We decide to remove the slave tetris part. It was clearly a red rag [sic] for a lot people, and it shadowed for the rest of the game. I am surprised it caused such an outcry but have no intention of insulting people that feel so strongly about it.

Some players are asking for refunds, since the game’s content has been altered since release, and Egenfeldt-Nielsen said he had no problem with people looking to get their money back.

“We already made a decision before this that we have tried what we could in this space, and it was time to others to take over,” he told me. “I have pretty much been doing this for almost 20 years, so I guess there is a greater irony in it ending this way.”

You can reach the author of this post at patrick.klepek@kotaku.com or on Twitter at @patrickklepek.

The Weeknd sings about sex a lot, and it almost always sounds like a miserable experience. Who wants that? Do you? If yes, please ask yourself why. Actually, I’m going to stop you right there and assume that it’s because you are lost. Luckily, I found you—and I’m here to tell you something: Do not do that. Do not fuck the Weeknd.

(I guess I’m talking mostly to his girlfriend Bella Hadid, but also to the anonymous women of his lyrics. Furthermore, I do think this an important thing for all humans to keep in mind during your travels, as you never know when you’ll encounter the Weeknd or how horny he’ll be when you do.)

The Canadian singer/songwriter whose birth name is Abel Tesfaye provides several reasons why you should never put your vagina (or mouth or butthole or smooshed together breasts or, hell, penis [just to be safe and cover all bases]) anywhere near him on his groaningly titled new album, Beauty Behind the Madness, which came out this week. On record, his persona is generally disaffected yet perpetually whiny. He sums himself up like this in “Tell Your Friends”: “I’m that nigga with the hair / Singing ‘bout popping pills, fucking bitches, living life so trill.” Cool. Have your panties spontaneously dropped yet?

At times, the Weeknd’s lyrics appear to warn people away from the more vulnerable parts of his person—namely his heart, cock, and balls. A sampling of lines:

• “This boy wasn’t mean’t for lovin’”
  
• “Every woman that loved me, oh yeah I seemed to push them away”
  
• “I’m better off when I’m alone”
  
• “They told me not to fall in love, that shit is pointless / Yeah, that shit is pointless / They told me not to fall in love, that shit is pointless / Yeah, that shit is pointless / They told me not to fall in love, that shit is pointless / Yeah, that shit is pointless / They told me not to fall in love, that shit is pointless / Yeah, that shit is pointless”
  
• “I usually love sleeping all alone / This time around bring your friend with you / But we ain’t really going to sleep at all”
  
• “If I had her, you can have her, man it don’t matter”
  
• “I’m a prisoner to my addiction I’m addicted to a life that’s so empty and so cold”
  

There is so much cock out there that is unburdened (or relatively so). Go find one of those cocks. They’re available on virtually any street corner. There are plenty of guys who don’t wield their dick like two-pronged forks, piercing you with it and then turning you over to serve to their friends. There are guys who, even if they aren’t looking for love or don’t believe in it, per se, have the good sense to shut the fuck up about it and just fuck. You don’t need the Weeknd’s dick. You don’t need the Weeknd.

I understand why you may still be tempted after listening to his music, though: The Weeknd often sings about how well his dick works. “Who’s gonna fuck you like me?” he wonders in “Shameless.” My knee-jerk response to this question is: no one worth fucking. And yet his bravado is intriguing. He just fucked two women and he’s ready for more? “Give me head all night, cum four times”?! That sounds like a great 25-year-old dick. I get it, the promise of that kind of dick is tantalizing.

SNAP OUT OF IT. Don’t get dickmatized by his words, which we can’t even be sure are true anyway. (Though if you know for a fact they are true, do drop me a line.) Elsewhere on Beauty Behind the Madness, the Weeknd gives several more reasons to stay away from him that aren’t as immediately apparent as the line of lyrical red flags above. They include:

His music makes sex sound pathological.

Songs like “Often” and the Top 10 hit “The Hills” are ostensibly sex jams because they are about fucking and slow in tempo with a modern R&B backdrop. Historically, sex music is meant to be used as an aural aphrodisiac or another layer of comfort for when you are between the sheets. In contrast, the Weeknd’s sex music is calculated to make you feel uncomfortable—it is cold and mechanical while he wails at you. “The Hills” contains sampled shrieks. It’s like he’s saying, “Fucking me is a horror show but you’ll do it anyway.” Do not do it anyway.

He has...that voice.

The Weeknd has been compared to Michael Jackson with increasing frequency, thanks to Tesfaye’s high-pitched voice (as well as the spring in the step of his No. 1 single, “Can’t Feel My Face”). Vocally, the Toronto singer does about a tenth of what MJ did and half as well. His chirp flutters gymnastically in the same few ways over and over again, ultimately resulting in emotive monotony. On the rare occasions that he really pushes and attempts a crescendo, he sounds like he’s crying (see the end of the otherwise solid “Acquainted”). If he cries when he climaxes during song, can you imagine what he does when he climaxes during sex? I can’t and I don’t want to, which is why I will not be having sex with the Weeknd. Let’s all not, and never think about him crying during sex again.

He has a huge drug problem.

“When I’m fucked up, that’s the real me / When I’m fucked up, that’s the real me, babe,” sings the guy who is higher than his hair in “The Hills.” Now, plenty of guys worth fucking are on drugs. Sometimes guys are worth fucking especially because they are on drugs. Sometimes you want to use and be used, and like Shock G said, a fair exchange ain’t no robbery.

The Weeknd’s problem isn’t the using (of people or drugs), per se, but the side effects—the entire second verse of “Tell Your Friends” sounds like an egocentric coke rant, one that no amount of coke you’ve done yourself could keep you from screaming in your head “SHUT UP ALREADY MY TURN TO TALK” the entire time he’s rambling Drake-ishly about how life is changing, man, and wow, man, just wow:

Last year I did all the politicin’
This year I’m all focused on the vision
I think these hoes deserve another fixing
I’m talking about the ones from the beginning
Don’t believe the rumors bitch, I’m still a user
I’m still rocking camo and still roll with shooters
I’m a villain in my city, I just made another killing
I’mma spend it all on bitches
And everybody fuckin’, everybody fucking
Pussy on the house, everybody fucking
And I miss my city man it’s been a minute
M.I.A. a habit, Cali was the mission
Cruise through the west-end in my new Benz
I’m just tryna live life through a new lens
Driving by the streets I used to walk through
When I had no crib I guess you call that shit a miracle

None of this is remotely interesting (not even in terms of syntax) unless you are as invested in the Weeknd as he is in himself. Do not invest.

He’ll shrink you and then perpetuate your problems by continuing to fuck you anyway.

From “Shameless”:

I don’t wanna hurt you but you live for the pain
I’m not tryna say it but it’s what you became
You want me to fix you but it’s never enough
That’s why you always call me cause you’re scared to be loved

Do not give this man access to your emotions.

He just fucked two bitches ‘fore he saw you and you gon’ have to do it at his tempo.

From “The Hills”:

I just fucked two bitches ‘fore I saw you / And you gon’ have to do it at my tempo

Find your own tempo, do not rely on his. (It’s boring.)

He is a total cheeseball, when you get down to it.

His lyrics are peppered with used-to-death terminology like “basic” and “friend zone.” He seems to think, “Girl I’m so glad we’re acquainted,” is an adequate way of showing appreciation (suggested reply: “Gee, thanks. You have nice hands.”). When he goes totally soft and switches into full-on love mode it’s via trite musical methods like lite-rock (“As You Are”) and hair metal balladry (“Angel,” which is, unfortunately for everyone, not an Aerosmith cover). Don’t chew his bullshit.

You’d be entering into a hazardous cycle.

The profiles accompanying this album cycle underline the Weeknd’s flagrant desire to be a massive pop star (especially after the commercial failure of 2012’s even more groaningly titled Kiss Land). They also suggest that he has very little of consequence to say. On Beauty’s “Often,” the Weeknd indicates that women want to sleep with him because of his fame: “Infatuated by the fame status / She wanna ride inside the G-Class grey ‘matic.”

See how that works? The more fame the Weeknd obtains, the more women will want to sleep with him, the more dull anecdotes he has for his music. That cycle will continue and its center will be empty the entire time. It’s very much like the Weeknd’s drug use providing material that he can moan about in his music. It only behooves him to continue his behavior while spreading tales of developmental inertia.

Break the cycle. Do not fuck the Weekend. That shit is pointless.

[Gif by Jim Cooke]

After Rowan County, Kentucky, clerk Kim Davis was held in contempt of court and locked up Thursday for refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples “on God’s authority,” five of her six deputy clerks told a judge they would begin issuing the licenses as the law requires.

http://gawker.com/kentucky-clerk...

The lone dissenter was Davis’s son, also a deputy clerk. Local news station LEX18 reports he will not be held in contempt of court.

Nor will Davis be released now that others have agreed to do her job for her. Judge David Bunning said letting her go now would be “rewarding bad behavior,” according to WOWK 13 News.

https://twitter.com/WOWK13News/sta...

Davis reportedly has one more opportunity to change her mind and comply with the court’s order.

[h/t Talking Points Memo, Photo: AP Images]

Megan Kelly, a 24-year-old project manager for a marketing company in Pittsburgh, is not former attorney and current Fox News personality Megyn Kelly. But unfortunately for Megan-with-an-“a”, the furious pro-Trump supporters who keep sending her emails seem to disagree.

Megan isn’t sure how her email gets consistently mistaken for that of the significantly more Google-able Megyn Kelly, and after attempting about two dozen various Google searches (Megan Kelly gmail, Megan Kelly email, Kelly Files email, Megan Kelly personal gmail, etc.), we are similarly at a loss. Regardless, the “how” is significantly less important than the fact that it happens at all—and for which we should all be very, very grateful.

Kindly provided by the lesser-known Megan, here are all the emails she’s received from the many people looking to have a few words with a Megyn they can’t quite remember how to spell. And may they never stop trying.

From a very judgmental Trump fan:

From a close friend of Fox News President Roger Ailes:

From a patriot with a Thought:

From the same patriot, different Thought:

From a guy who likes hammers:

From someone who read a Wikipedia entry once:

From someone with a fantastic email signature:

From someone who hates both immigrants and walls:

From someone who wants Megyn to stop being such a poser:

From Tomi Lahren’s agent:

From someone who doesn’t understand what Planned Parenthood is:

Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com. Art by Jim Cooke.

As a lady it brings me no pleasure to tell you that yesterday while President Barack Obama was doing a little fishing in Dillingham, Alaska at Kanakanak Beach, a big salmon jizzed all over him. Our President: President Barack Obama.

“Uh-oh—UH-OH! What’s happening there?” Obama calls to the press as the fish begins his business. Sir—Mr. President—I’m sorry, as a lady it brings me no pleasure to tell you this but I must regretfully inform you that what’s happening there is: a fish is jizzing on you.

“Did you see that?” President Obama asks, “Something got on my shoes.” Ah. Yes, sir—Mr. President—as a lady do know that it brings me no pleasure to tell you this, but, in fact, yes, we did see that, and what we saw was: a fish jizzed on you.

The fish spawned on him, is another way of saying it, apparently.

Damn.

Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.

Police in Millis, Massachusetts, spent hours on Wednesday searching for a man who shot at a moving police cruiser, causing its driver to crash and the cruiser to catch fire. Today, the Millis Police Department said it believes that the officer who reported the shooting concocted an imaginary story about an attack after shooting at his own car.

“My cruiser’s been shot at. I’m at Forest Road. It’s going to be a dark maroon pickup,” the officer, who has not been named, radioed yesterday afternoon, WCVB reports. He stated that the pickup driver fired on him as their vehicles approached each other from opposite directions, and that he crashed while attempting to avoid the gunfire.

Schools in the area were closed today as a precaution, and local and state police sent SWAT teams and helicopters on a search for the alleged gunman, according to the Boston Globe. The officer who allegedly perpetrated the bizarre hoax works full-time as a dispatcher and part-time as an officer, and was hospitalized at Norwood Hospital and released Wednesday evening. Police said today that he will be fired from his job and may face criminal charges.

Millis Police Department spokesman William Dwyer said that the only ballistic evidence found at the scene of the shooting was “that belonging to the part-time officer,” and that investigators concluded he’d shot at his own cruiser after interviewing him and “as a result of all other evidence.”

“We have determined that the officer’s story was fabricated...specifically, that he fired shots into his own cruiser as part of a plan to concoct a story that he was fired upon. The evidence indicates that the shots were not fired by a suspect. And there was no gunman at large in or around the town,” Dwyer said.

The officer, 24, had been working for the department for about a year and a half, and would soon being training to become a full-time officer, the Globe reports.

Image via AP. Contact the author at andy@gawker.com.

Today, Kristin Cavallari–whose debut book about “really just everything” in her life hits shelves in 279 days—published an article on her app titled “Fall Shoe Style.” It is, apparently, the final installment in her series of “fall trend” posts; Kristin previously recommended “menswear,” “pleated maxi skirts,” and “jeans.”

Today, Kristin recommends shoes. “Fall Shoe Style” by Kristin Cavallari reads, in its entirety:

This fall, get the perfect combination of boots, sneakers, and heels. From the Christian Louboutin ankle wrap wedges to the Stella McCartney Binx Platform Skate shoes—these shoes can match with almost any outfit for the occasion.

What occasion? The occasion of fall? Kristin did not provide an explanation in the post. She did provide several photos of shoes in varying sizes, none of which are labeled:

Kristin did not include links to where you can buy any of them, however.

This post was, at least, free to access in the Official Kristin Cavallari App for iPhone and Android, where some “exclusive” content costs $2.99—per month—to read.

This has been 500 Days of Kristin.

[Photos via Getty, Kristin’s app]

Deadspin Roger Goodell Issues Statement On Tom Brady Decision | Gizmodo Google Chrome Just Got a Lot Faster | | Jalopnik The Secret Story Of How Bubonic Plague Nearly Broke Out In New York City | Jezebel Is Shop Jeen’s Viral Success Story All Window Dressing? | Kinja Popular Posts

South Carolina prosecutors announced today that they will seek the death penalty for Dylann Storm Roof, the 21-year-old white man accused of shooting and killing nine people at Charleston’s historically black Emanuel AME Church on June 17.

A judge entered a not guilty plea for Roof, who faces nine counts of murder, one count of attempted murder, and a weapons charge.

According to court documents filed by South Carolina prosecutor Scarlett Wilson today, the state will present a litany of evidence against Roof, including “photographs, video tapes, diagrams of the scene and victims, expert testimony, and statements by the Defendant, internet postings by the Defendant and other testimony related thereto.”

Roof’s alleged white power manifesto, laying out his hatred for black people and apparent motivation for the attacks, was discovered online shortly after his arrest.

He has also pleaded not guilty to 33 federal hate crime counts. US Attorney General Loretta Lynch announced those charges in July, saying Roof “decided to seek out and murder African Americans because of their race.”

Roof’s attorney said his client initially wanted to plead guilty to the federal charges, but he advised Roof to hold off until the government’s intentions were clear, the AP reports.

[Photo: AP Images]

On Thursday, a police officer in Portsmouth, Virginia was fired and taken into custody after a grand jury indicted him for first-degree murder over the April shooting death unarmed black teen, NBC News reports.

According to police, Officer Stephen Rankin was responding to a suspected shoplifting at Walmart when he and 18-year-old William Chapman began to struggle in the parking lot. Authorities have yet to explain what happened next, but an autopsy obtained by The Guardian indicates Chapman was shot in the face and chest with “no evidence of close-range fire.”

Police have so far refused to say if Chapman was found to have stolen anything, the paper reports.

“First I would like to extend out my personal condolences to the entire Chapman family,” said Portsmouth Interim Police Chief Dennis Mook in a statement. “I am confident that the Grand Jury impartially weighed all the evidence presented before rendering their final decision.”

Attorney Nicole Belote, who represents Rankin, told WTKR her client’s actions were justified.

“He gives Mr. Chapman commands, and it’s at that point Mr. Chapman charges at him and the officer had to respond,” said Belote.

In addition to the murder charge, Rankin has been indicted for use of a firearm in the commission of a felony. In 2011, prosecutors attempted to charge Rankin with voluntary manslaughter after he shot a suspect 11 times, but a grand jury ultimately decided not indict, WVEC reports.

[Image via Portsmouth Police Department]

Here is a good prank: Sewing your sleeping friend to a couch so he wakes up to discover he’s the first cushion-based Transformer. Here is a not good prank: Sharing a picture of your classmates over social media with the caption “Planning the school shooting 😊😊😊.”

The latter, however, is just what one Arizona high schooler did via Snapchat this week, delighting students and faculty alike. Just kidding, he got locked up. From NBC News:

Phoenix police arrested the teen, who admitted involvement in the incident but told officers it was a prank, according to the statement.

The student was detained for one count of creating a hoax, a class 4 felony, according to the statement.

“I didn’t know and I didn’t want to assume it was a joke,” the student who reported the image to police told KUSA, “because if I would have woken up today and seen that he really did shoot up a school, I know how bad I would have felt if I knew I could possibly have stopped it.”

In general, if your gag leaves people with the impression they can prevent a terrible tragedy, it’s probably time to go back to toilet paper and eggs.

[Image via KPNX]

Kim Davis, the Kentucky Clerk who was jailed Thursday, now has a mugshot. The image shows Davis to be about 5’5” tall (including her hair), which is apparently an ideal height for standing behind counters and telling same-sex couples they should go somewhere else to receive the marriage certificates they are allowed by federal law.

http://roygbiv.jezebel.com/kim-davis-jail...

Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Image via Carter County Jail

Sacramento City College went into lockdown on Thursday after three people were shot, one of them fatally, in a parking lot on the south edge of the school’s campus, KHTK reports.

According to a City College spokesperson, the shooting left one student dead and another hospitalized. A third victim reportedly sustained injuries that did not require hospitalization. From NBC News:

Classes were canceled, and students and staff were being evacuated building by building and classroom by classroom, Rick Brewer, a spokesman for the college, told NBC News.

The shooting occurred during an altercation involving several men about 3:56 p.m. (6:56 p.m. ET), Brewer said. One of the men pulled a semi-automatic handgun, and three other people were shot, he said.

Police say the suspected gunman is currently at large.

[Image via NBC News]

On Thursday, cursed Halloween mask Donald Trump swore himself to the GOP, signing a non-binding pledge that he would never, never ever run as an independent candidate should he not win the party’s nomination, even if he felt like it and changed his mind later.

“The best way for the Republicans to win is if I win the nomination and go directly against whoever they happen to put up. And for that reason, I have signed the pledge,” said the man best known for his loyalty, honesty and overall integrity. “So I will be totally pledging my allegiance to the Republican Party and for the conservative principles for which it stands.”

Of course, the bizarre pledge was only created after Trump publicly refused to make a similar promise at the first GOP debate, making the bloodless blood oath itself a kind of reversal, but Trump claimed he’s definitely 100% sure this time.

“I have no intention of changing my mind,” said Trump. “I see no circumstances under which I would tear up that pledge.”

[Image via Getty Images]

If ever there were a time that I wanted to see the receipts, it is now. I say that a lot, but this time I mean it. A 52-year-old Mexican man, Roberto Esquivel Cabrera, went viral recently for claiming he has a 19-inch penis. While that might make him the owner of the world’s biggest dick (who can ever be sure, though?), he is supposedly miserable. The Huffington Post reported on Saturday:

Cabrera of Saltillo told Mexican newspaper Vanguardia that he would like to be considered disabled because the member leaves him unable to work, forcing him to live on assistance and scavenge for food.

His social life is dismal as well, he says. Women are too scared to be with him, according to the newspaper.

Fast forward today—TMZ has video footage (the only supposed proof previously provided was an X-ray). It is absurd:

I don’t know, man, this seems pretty fucking fake—Long Dong Silver fake. It’s covered in I don’t even know what kind of fabric, and the video plays like a fantasy of the things Cabrera would do if he had a 19-inch penis. They include:

• Weighing it
• Licking the tip
• Hitting his head with it
• Lying down and have it be there

As an owner of a 19-inch penis myself I can confirm that this video captures the authentic experience of showing it off to strangers.

We may find out if Cabrera’s for real for sure soon, as TMZ reports that only a language barrier may be separating the man from a porn career:

We’re told Vivid Entertainment approached the 52-year-old Mexican citizen in an attempt to negotiate a deal for a sex tape, but it’s complicated by language barrier, expectations of money and basic anatomy challenges.

I’ve never been more excited for anything in my life.

Earlier this year, the writer James King wrote a story for Gawker titled “My Year Ripping Off the Web With the Daily Mail Online,” in which he recounted his experience writing for the website of the Daily Mail and argued that the site routinely failed to observe basic standards of attribution, copyright, and journalistic accuracy. The Daily Mail has responded to King’s article by suing the author and Gawker Media for defamation. Attorneys for the Manhattan law firm Nesenoff & Miltenberg, which is representing the paper, filed a 33-page lawsuit—available here—against both parties in New York Supreme Court on Thursday afternoon.

The Daily Mail has in the past disputed specific details in King’s piece story (details that King stands by). Its lawsuit, however, glosses over most of those disputed allegations, and instead claims that King’s general argument—that the Daily Mail encouraged writers to engage in deceptive and unethical practices—is simply false. As the Washington Post’s Erik Wemple points out, however, the Mail’s argument may be difficult to substantiate in court:

Whatever the merits of King’s story, it didn’t exactly upend conventional wisdom about the Mail Online. Take, for instance, this June 2014 Guardian piece titled, “Mail Online ducks questions from News Corp over its lifting of copy.” Or this Poynter story from March 2012, titled, “Editor of Daily Mail’s website defends attribution practices in face of growing criticism.” Or this Poynter story, also from March 2012: “Daily Mail grabs story from Newsweek/Daily Beast.” Or this Poynter story from February 2014: “Daily Mail rips off Yahoo News story, then updates with ‘credit.‘” Or this March 2013 New York Times story, which carries a quote from a spokesman from the New York Daily News: “[T]here’s been an ongoing pattern where they didn’t credit stories.”

In response to the Daily Mail’s legal action, Gawker Media issued the following statement:

While we’re not surprised that the Daily Mail doesn’t like what James King had to say about his time working there, this baseless complaint doesn’t even attempt to refute the vast majority of the author’s detailed anecdotes about his experience as a Daily Mail writer.

Both King and the Daily Mail declined further comment.

With anti-gay Clerk Kim Davis locked up for contempt of court, William Smith and James Yates were able to this morning to finally obtain a gay marriage license from the Rowan County, Kentucky, courthouse.

The license issued to Smith and Yates, who have been a couple for more than ten years, ends a long battle for gay couples to marry in Rowan County, where Davis—citing God’s law—has denied permits since June’s Supreme Court ruling.

Five of Davis’s six deputies agreed to issue the licenses yesterday after their boss’s arrest; the lone holdout was Davis’s son. Meanwhile, Joe Davis, Kim’s husband, spoke to reporters this morning shortly before the license was issued.

Seems like a nice family. Kim faces up to another six days in jail to give her employees time to comply with Judge David Bunning’s orders.

Contact the author at taylor@gawker.com.

Now that Mr. Robot’s first season is over, the Bill Hader/Fred Armisen/Seth Meyers IFC series that satirizes documentaries, Documentary Now!, is basically the best thing on TV. Their absurd riff on Grey Gardens from a few weeks ago was brilliant, and their take on Vice’s HBO series that aired last night was almost as good.

http://morningafter.gawker.com/this-grey-gard...

Granted, DRONEZ: The Hunt for El Chingon wasn’t exactly a spot-on replication of Vice’s typically excellent series, but it did capture the ignorance and entitlement of so many young people who conflate journalism and self-service. The scene where Hader’s and Armisen’s earnest characters use their privilege to rifle through the house of a Mexican man who lost his son to drug lords is the funniest thing I saw on TV all week (and I’ve been watching Gimme a Break! reruns like crazy—these days I only watch shows with exclamation points in their titles).

Another clip from this scened played over the episode’s credit sequnce. In it, Armisen’s character goes on and on about the man’s bananas: “These are just natural, not yellow chemicals, not brought to you by Tide. It’s just like a regular banana. And that’s the simple life we kind of forget about. You know, you can actually eat a banana off a tree, as opposed to...”

A video that spread online earlier this week, showing a teenage McDonald’s employee being pulled through a drive-thru window and into a car, seemed too crazy to be real. But the attack wasn’t staged, and charges have been filed against the woman who allegedly grabbed the worker, plus three others in the car with her.

There was scant information about the video when it popped up on LiveLeak Monday—no names, no location, and no motivation for the attack—and McDonald’s didn’t respond to a request for comment. Now the details have been filled in thanks to a police news release obtained by The Smoking Gun.

The alleged attacker, 17-year-old Kailin Holland, is accused of pulling the 16-year-old victim through the window at a New Orleans-area Mickey D’s after the two “exchanged words.” The victim hit the side of the car, possibly breaking the driver’s side window, before landing between the car and the building.

At that point, Holland and the three other women in the car—Sierra Gregoire, 18; Bradnika Gregoire, 20; and an unnamed 16-year-old—all allegedly started beating the victim.

Police say the victim had an “ongoing dispute” with her alleged assailants.

Holland has been charged with felony battery, and the other three women are charged with misdemeanors.

[The Smoking Gun]