Just over a year after her father Robin’s death, Zelda Williams penned a heartfelt message on Saturday exploring her own experiences with sorrow, grief and learning to find happiness again.

“Avoiding fear, sadness or anger is not the same thing as being happy,” wrote Williams on Instagram. “I live my sadness every day, but I don’t resent it anymore. Instead, I do it now so that the wonderful moments of joy I do find are not in order to forget, but to inhabit and enjoy for their own sake.”

“It’s not easy,” continued Williams. “In fact, I’d say it takes much more effort to consciously do than it does to just stay sad, but with all my heart, I cannot tell you how worth it it is.”

While acknowledging how difficult it can be, Williams also encouraged those with depression to believe in the possibility of future joy.

“I know how dark and endless that tunnel can feel,” wrote Williams, “but if happiness seems impossible to find, please hold on to the possibility of hope, faint though it may be. Because I promise you, there’re enough nights under the same yellow moon for all of us to share, no matter how or when you find your way there.”

From Instagram:

Moonrise on the lake 🌕 I spent this night shivering and laughing under a clear, cold sky full of stars with people I love just to witness something beautiful. We mooned the moon and laughed ourselves hoarse, and I’m so incredibly grateful for every silly second. I came to a realization this year that I feel compelled to share here, for whomsoever may need it: Avoiding fear, sadness or anger is not the same thing as being happy. I live my sadness every day, but I don’t resent it anymore. Instead, I do it now so that the wonderful moments of joy I do find are not in order to forget, but to inhabit and enjoy for their own sake. It’s not easy. In fact, I’d say it takes much more effort to consciously do than it does to just stay sad, but with all my heart, I cannot tell you how worth it it is. And for those suffering from depression, I know how dark and endless that tunnel can feel, but if happiness seems impossible to find, please hold on to the possibility of hope, faint though it may be. Because I promise you, there’re enough nights under the same yellow moon for all of us to share, no matter how or when you find your way there.

[Images via Getty Images/Instagram//h/t CNN]

A police chief in Oregon retired this week after officers say he responded to an accusation of racism by imitating a monkey, singing “Dixie” and pantomiming a beating, KOIN reports.

In papers obtained by the station, officers allege that Clatskanie Police Chief Marvin Hoover made the racist display when they attempted to debrief him on the arrest of black woman who threatened to file a discrimination lawsuit.

“I relayed several of the arrestee’s remarks such as, ‘When you look at me, my black and my nappy hair, all you see is animal,’” writes Officer Dustin Stone in his official report to the Oregon Department of Public Safety. “Chief Hoover interrupted me and said, ‘That’s what she is.’”

From KOIN:

Chief Hoover then began to act like a monkey. Chief Hoover placed his hands in his armpits and began scratching them. Chief Hoover also started making loud monkey sounds: “Hooo...hooo.....hooo....hahahaha...hooo.....haaah” While Chief Hoover was scratching and chanting, he started to move around the room, in a dance or jumping fashion. While jumping and moving about the room Chief Hoover momentarily beat his chest like Tarzan.

[...]

I attempted to proceed with my brief until Chief Hoover interrupted me again. This time Chief Hoover said, “That’s what they deserve.” Chief Hoover then started to sing the words to Dixieland: “In a land of cotton...old times they’re no forgotten...look away...look away...look away...Dixieland.” While singing, Chief Hoover knelt on his right knee and began to make a punching motion with his right fist. While making a punching motion, Chief Hoover held his left hand in front of him in a gripping motion, as if he was holding a person by the shirt collar. In addition, while singing the words “look away” Chief Hoover moved his head back-and-forth to his left and right as if he was looking over his shoulder.

“[T]hanks Chief Hoover for a job well done,” wrote Clatskanie Mayor Diane Pohl in a public letter announcing the police chief’s retirement on Friday. “You have this community’s gratitude, gratefulness and appreciation. Enjoy your retirement knowing we will miss you and wish you all the best. Just take it easy on the elk, bear and fish that you will have more time to pursue!”

For his part, Officer Stone says he’s been harassed other Clatskanie residents since filing the report.

“I’ve already faced a lot of retaliation, my wife’s been forced off the road twice,” Stone told KOIN. “I’ve had people in the community yelling the N-word at me.”

[Image via KPTV//h/t Raw Story]

In his first interview since killing Hwange National Park’s iconic black-maned lion, Cecil, in July, Minnesota dentist Walter Palmer announced Sunday night he would be returning to his practice later this week.

http://gawker.com/famous-lion-wa...

“I have a lot of staff members, and I’m a little heartbroken at the disruption in their lives,” Palmer told reporters from the Minneapolis Star Tribune and the Associated Press. “And I’m a health professional. I need to get back to my staff and my patients, and they want me back. That’s why I’m back.”

During the 25-minute interview, which Palmer said would be his only media appearance, the dentist reportedly refused to answer many questions about the hunt, but admitted, “If I had known this lion had a name and was important to the country or a study obviously I wouldn’t have taken it.” From the Associated Press:

Palmer said he shot the big cat with the black mane using an arrow from his compound bow outside the park’s borders but it didn’t die immediately. He disputed conservationist accounts that the wounded lion wandered for 40 hours and was finished off with a gun, saying it was tracked down the next day and killed with an arrow.

Palmer also denied that he had been in hiding.

“I’ve been out of the public eye. That doesn’t mean I’m in hiding,” said Palmer. “I’ve been among people, family and friends. Location is really not that important.”

Asked if he would return to Zimbabwe for further hunts, the dentist reportedly said, “I don’t know about the future.”

“Zimbabwe has been a wonderful country for me to hunt in,” Palmer told the Associated Press, “and I have always followed the laws.”

[Image via AP Images]

This video that Katy Perry posted of herself at Burning Man is my worst nightmare. Perry, wearing a fur coat and goggles, clearly living out some Tank Girl /Mad Max: Fury Road fantasies, starts off spinning around on a Segway, then falls off and has to chase the scooter as it rolls away in the dust. Her caption writes, “Obvious first time burner alert.” OBVIOUSLY!

There was a time during the old rave days when I probably would have gone to a Burning Man festival, but that window has passed, thankfully. Now that I’m older and more easily annoyed, the thought of cleaning grey dust out of my butthole for weeks sounds like hell. At least, that’s what I imagine people have to do after they come home from one of these.

Contact the author at marie.lodi@jezebel.com.

It’s Labor Day, meaning summer is symbolically if not officially drawing to a close, meaning whatever fun you’re having is probably tinged with a little wistfulness for days gone by, meaning you’re especially primed for nostalgic feelings this week, internet-induced or otherwise. With that in mind, here are some videos of ordinary people riding the same roller coaster of jubilation and sadness you’re riding today, only 15 or 20 years ago.

http://internet.gawker.com/celebrate-5-me...

As we noted on Memorial Day—happier, more optimistic times, when the summer spread before us like an endless picnic blanket—YouTube is a treasure trove of vintage home video. Again, we’ve sifted through the VHS-distorted noise to bring you five of the most compelling, from a firsthand document of ‘80s adolescence to a highlight reel of the world’s greatest forgotten lawn game. Enjoy.

Dave & Arlene’s Labor Day 1990

A stunning example of the shove-a-camera-directly-into-the-faces-of-people-who-aren’t-necessarily-enjoying-being-filmed genre of home videography, this clip reaches its apex when a neighborhood man begins griping about the newfangled “discs” that are taking over his local record store. “You walk into your average record store—you go to Record City. What do you find at Record City? Discs! Discs. I walked in there, I had a fit.”

1985 Labor Day Camp montage

This longish video doesn’t inhabit any particular geographic region so much as it does the dad zone, circa 1985. We open on two gentlemen in shades pretending to be radio DJs, move through a fishing scene, briefly meet the most impressive tongue-flicker I’ve ever seen, and end on a heartwarming talent show. The granny in a headband does a mean “New York, New York.”

Frisbee Keg Labor Day 1992

Beer pong? Come on. Cornhole? You must be kidding. KanJam? Fuck you. Back in ‘92, they were playing Frisbee Keg, a lawn drinking game that was exactly what it sounds like. I only wonder why this hasn’t come back into vogue among America’s college kids yet. Or has it?

Put-In-Bay 1984

All I’ve ever wanted out of life is to drink Coors Light and listen to Foreigner on a boat with some dude named “Uncle Dwight.” Chances are I’ll never get to experience my dream, but at least I have this YouTube video.

Music for Pets, Labor Day Street party 1984

Music for Pets, a long-since-forgotten band from Bolinas, California, plays a 30-minute live set that sounds something like a shaggier and and more psychedelic take on the earliest and most incomprehensible Pavement recordings, with a backing vocalist who reminds me a little of Ari Up. Their weirdo sax- and djembe-adorned version of “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” is a highlight.

Contact the author at andy@gawker.com.

On Monday, British Prime Minister David Cameron announced plans to resettle 20,000 people currently living in refugee camps in Syria, Turkey and Jordan over the next five years, the BBC reports.

http://gawker.com/hungary-allows...

“The whole country has been deeply moved by the heartbreaking scenes over the last few days,” said Cameron. “‘It’s absolutely right that Britain must fulfill its moral responsibility.”

According to The Guardian, Cameron “was effectively forced to act” after disturbing pictures of a drowned three-year-old refugee inspired widespread public outcry. From The Independent:

The decision to accept 20,000 Syrian refugees marks a significant U-turn in the Government’s policy in less than a week.

It had previously focused efforts at tackling the humanitarian crisis at source, pledging £1bn of aid to Syrian refugee camps in neighbouring countries such as Lebanon, Jordan and Turkey.

Cameron’s announcement follows a similar one by French President Francois Hollande, who said his country would welcome 24,000 migrants over the next two years.

“Since the beginning of the year, 350,000 people have crossed the Mediterranean to reach Europe,” said Hollande on Monday. “It’s a tragic and serious crisis. It can be brought under control and it will be.”

Germany, which expects to receive up to 800,000 refugees and asylum seekers this year, has urged other European countries to do their part in handling what the EU’s Migration Commissioner called “the worst refugee crisis since the Second World War.”

“Germany is a country willing to take people in, but refugees can be received in all countries of the European Union in such a way that they can find refuge from civil war and from persecution,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “It is time for the European Union to pull its weight.”

[Image via AP Images]

Sometime a few weeks ago, in the middle of this supposedly Song-of-the-Summer-less summer, I realized that I was swimming in music that I adored. It happens regularly that I feel like I’ll go months without being excited about anything musically and then bam!, I’m overwhelmed with good stuff.

The Internet’s gorgeous third album, Ego Death, is a giant leap forward for the Odd Future-affiliated collective in terms of songwriting (virtually every melody on the thing is indelible) and matter-of-factly queer all over the place—that it was almost entirely ignored when it came out in June is a minor travesty. London’s Dornik released a debut album of R&B that’s both atmospherically modern and classicist—it’s the kind of thing a lot of people go for but never quite pull off and it’s the smoothest album I heard all summer. Jessie Ware’s part-time producer Julio Bashmore has created a dance album (Knockin’ Boots) that’s approximately 5,000 times more exciting and alive than the output of his cohorts in Disclosure. It’s the rare house-music LP that I want to listen to all the way through every time. Its vintage sources are impeccably curated. It is thick with texture and infested with hooks. It sounds modern without coming off as overly concerned about functioning within trends like EDM or deep house. I love it a lot.

Selections from those three albums are but a few of the tracks I’ve included in the playlist of my favorite summer jams below (it’s mostly made up of dance music and R&B, the two genres I listen to most frequently). Feel free to share the songs that moved you this summer below.

[Illustration by Tara Jacoby]

It’s Labor Day, which means millions of students will be returning to school this week to try to remember the rote knowledge they’re sure to forget by next summer. Luckily for them, John Oliver took a brief break from Last Week Tonight’s current hiatus to share his own back-to-school crib notes, covering key topics like math, geography and presidential penis nicknames.

And sure, most colleges probably won’t accept graduation from the Last Week Tonight School of YouTube Watching as a valid equivalent to a high school education, but at least Oliver’s biology class won’t leave you with the smell of embalmed frog permanently seared into your brain.

[h/t The Daily Dot]

Chicago police say they found a toddler’s head, hands and feet this weekend near a lagoon in the city’s Garfield Park, the Chicago Tribune reports.

According to Alderman Jason Ervin, the victim is believed to have been between one and four years old.

Authorities say the limbs were unclothed and in advanced state of decomposition. CNN reports it is currently not known if they were from the same body. From WMAQ-TV:

Police have also begun looking through missing children reports in the city and state and have contacted the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, [Chicago Police spokesperson Anthony ] Guglielmi said.

Detectives have not yet determined the identity of the remains or the cause of death. The evidence will be sent to the Cook County medical examiner, who will be able to determine the manner of death in the coming days, according to Guglielmi.

“Cases involving children are exceptionally difficult for all affected—even police,” Guglielmi told WMAQ-TV. “We will comb every square inch of the lagoon for whatever may or may not be in there.”

“We are not talking of a newborn, and we are not talking about a first grader,” Ervin said at a press conference on Monday. “This is someone who should have been noticed is not around.”

[Image via WLS-TV]

The two San Antonio-area high school football players who targeted and blindsided an official during a game Friday have been suspended and could face criminal charges, according to ESPN.

The two John Jay High School defensive backs are suspended from school indefinitely pending an investigation by the school district. ESPN reports the official—named Robert Watts, according to the Austin American-Statesman—wants to press charges. The AAS also names the players involved, and notes that one of them remained in the game to commit further violence:

Northside ISD athletic director Steve Laing told KENS-TV in San Antonio the two players involved in the incident — sophomore linebacker Victor Rojas and senior defensive back Michael Moreno — have been suspended from the team, pending an NISD investigation.

To muddle matters even more, one of the players who was ejected was not involved in the play. Officialls incorrectly tossed out senior defensive back Trenton Hobdy instead of Moreno.

One play after the umpire was struck, a personal foul was called on Moreno for hitting the Marble Falls quarterback, who had taken a knee to run out the clock. Moreno was assessed a 15-yard penalty but was not ejected.

We’ve received dozens of emails about the incident from people affiliated with both John Jay and Marble Falls, the team on offense in the above-seen play. Everything, to this point, is hearsay—and what we’ve heard runs the full range of finger-pointing. As always, if you know something you can email us.

To contact the author of this post, write to tim@deadspin.com (PGP key) or find him on Twitter @bubbaprog.

On Monday, Canada’s Conservative Party dismissed a parliamentary candidate after footage surfaced of him urinating into a homeowner’s coffee cup while on a repair call in 2012, the Toronto Star reports.

The incident was originally captured as part of a CBC hidden camera investigation of dishonest handymen, but the free-peeing repairman was only identified as a three-time Conservative candidate Jerry Bance this weekend. From CBC News:

A service technician for the last 25 years, he had been called to the home as part of a sting operation to catch and confront repairmen overcharging homeowners for simple repairs to home appliances. Hidden cameras captured the incident, which occurred while a Marketplace producer posing a homeowner was in the next room.

Bance had also run as a Conservative in 2006 and 2008. Jason Kenney, the high-profile Conservative minister and candidate from Alberta, helped him kick off his current campaign last week.

“I deeply regret my actions on that day,” Bance said in a statement. “I take great pride in my work and the footage from that day does not reflect who I am as a professional or a person.”

Just hours after dropping Bance, the Conservative Party also withdrew parliamentary candidate Tim Dutaud after a YouTube video surfaced of him making a prank call while pretending to be mentally disabled.

“What this says is that we keep the highest standard for candidates and these two individuals are no longer candidates,” said Canada’s Conservative prime minister, Stephen Harper, at a campaign stop on Monday.

[Video via CBC]

Jon Hamm, a man who is mad, and girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt, a woman of indeterminate anger, have broken up, the couple announced on Monday.

“With great sadness, we have decided to separate, after 18 years of love and shared history,” said Hamm and Westfeldt in a joint statement to Page Six. “We will continue to be supportive of each other in every way possible moving forward.”

Rumors of the break-up have circulated since July, when an anonymous source said to be close the couple told Star their relationship had “just ran its course”:

But it wasn’t the 44-year-old star’s addiction that brought on the breakup— it was Jon’s reluctance to start a family with the 45-year-old actress. “I don’t have a driving force to have a baby,” the actor has previously said. “That said, I’m in a committed relationship, and if it ever came up, I’m not ruling it out.”

However, sources say he did just that. “Jennifer realized that she and Jon don’t want the same things,” says the pal. “So they agreed that it was time to take a step back.”

In March, Hamm spent 30 days in rehab for alcohol abuse.

“With the support of his longtime partner Jennifer Westfeldt, Jon Hamm recently completed treatment for his struggle with alcohol addiction,” said a representative at the time.

[Image via Getty Images]

In his continuing bid to demonstrate his weak grasp on the American branches of government and generally how we do things around here, Mike Huckabee is defending anti-gay, marriage license-denying county clerk Kim Davis, saying she only needs to uphold the law “if it’s right” and saying she’s “fighting judicial tyranny” by ignoring the Supreme Court.

Davis, the Rowan County clerk who maintains that she has a direct hotline to God and thus doesn’t have to listen to SCOTUS when it says same-sex marriage is legal, remains jailed for contempt of court in Grayson, Kentucky. While her lawyer goes around comparing her to a Jew living in Nazi Germany, Huckabee has, not surprisingly, jumped with both feet on her bandwagon. He’s circulating a petition calling for her release and planning a rally for tomorrow, September 8, outside the detention center where she’s being held.

In the meantime, he told George Stephanopoulos on ABC’s This Week that Davis is basically just like an anti-slavery abolitionist and besides, gay marriage is still illegal in Kentucky. (It’s not. It’s really, really not. The fuckin’ Supremacy Clause, how does it work?) From their brain-twisting conversation:

HUCKABEE: George, can you cite for me what statute Kim Davis would be required follow in order to issue a same-sex marriage license in Kentucky when her state specifically says, by 75 percent of the voters, that marriage means one man, one woman? Can you cite the statute at the federal or state level that she’s supposed to follow? Even the very form that she fills out specifically lists a male and a female. Does she have the authority just to scratch that out and create her own?

STEPHANOPOULOS: Doesn’t she have to the duty to obey a legal order from the court?

HUCKABEE: Well, you obey it if it’s right. So I go back to my question. Is slavery the law of the land? Should it have been the law of the land because Dred Scott said so? Was that a correct decision? Should the courts have been irrevocably followed on that? Should Lincoln have been put in jail? Because he ignored it.

As Stephanopoulos gazed on in bafflement, Huckabee added, with a straight face, “ We either are a people of government, a people of law, and we are a nation of the people, or we are a nation under the power of the Supreme Court.”

But Huckabee is also steamed that San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom wasn’t jailed when he performed same-sex marriages in 2004, in violation of what was then state and federal law, or when he declared San Francisco a sanctuary city for undocumented immigrants. Newsom pointed out that once a court ordered him to stop, he did, calling Huckabee’s memory of the San Francisco weddings “dead wrong.”

The two were busily sniping at each other on Twitter for most of yesterday:

In Huckabee’s reading, then, it’s fine to violate the law when it affronts your conscience, but only if your conscience is the kind that thinks gay marriage is wrong. Got it.

Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.

Public PGP key
PGP fingerprint: 67B5 5767 9D6F 652E 8EFD 76F5 3CF0 DAF2 79E5 1FB6

Huckabee on August 19, 2015. Photo via AP Images

On Monday, Italy’s highest criminal court published a blistering 52-page explanation of their decision to overturn Amanda Knox’s murder conviction in March, faulting police, prosecutors and lower court judges for a trial that “had oscillations which were the result of stunning flaws, or amnesia,” The Guardian reports.

http://gawker.com/amanda-knoxs-m...

In 2009, Knox and her then-boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito were convicted of killing Meredith Kercher, her roommate in Perugia, Italy, two years earlier. They would both spend four years in prison before their convictions were overturned in 2011. They were then found guilty a second time in 2014, but that conviction was thrown out by Italy’s Court of Cassation earlier this year.

In its ruling, the court cited the lack of biological traces of either Knox or Sollecito at the crime scene, contrasting that with the “copious” amounts of biological evidence left by a third suspect convicted of the murder, Rudy Guede. From NBC News:

Because no biological evidence from Knox or Sollecito was found at the house in Perugia where Kercher was murdered, the 52-page opinion said, their “participation” in the killing should have been “excluded.”

“There was no shortage of glaring errors in the underlying fabric of the sentence in question,” the court wrote.

The alleged murder weapon, a kitchen knife found at Sollecito’s house, was kept in a cardboard box—“the kind that gadgets are wrapped up in for Christmas”—and a bra clasp said to have carried DNA evidence was left on the floor for 46 days.

“The international spotlight on the case in fact resulted in the investigation undergoing a sudden acceleration, that, in the frantic search for one or more guilty parties to consign to international public opinion, certainly didn’t help the search for substantial truth,” wrote the judges, according to The Guardian.

In a statement on her website, Knox thanked “the many individuals who gave their time and talents to help me” during her nearly eight-year struggle.

“I am deeply grateful that the Italian Supreme Court has filed its opinion and forcefully declared my innocence,” wrote Knox. “I will now begin the rest of my life with one of my goals being to help others who have been wrongfully accused.”

[Image via Getty Images]

Oh man, I thought I’d seen some cool cats. Like some really cool ones. I realize now how wrong I’ve been, because this cat—wow—this cat is really something else.

Just an extraordinarily chill animal. Like Weekend at Bernie’s-level chill.

Like I bet if you and the cat lived on a houseboat and you got in too deep with some outlaw bikers and the bikers figured out the crystal you sold them was actually just an ounce of rock candy you bought at Cracker Barrel and then the bikers firebombed the houseboat, burning the comic he’s been working on since 2008, the only photograph of his father and his complete set of Limited Edition Alpha Magic cards, he’d be like:

“Hey, man, it’s cool. It’s only stuff, right?”

Damn, dude, this cat is cool as hell.

[Image via YouTube//h/t Tastefully Offensive]

Deadspin Tell-All From Former Yankees Clubhouse Worker Is Finally Out; Alleges Jeter & Posada Had Sexy Time | io9 The Alternative Universe Of Soviet Arcade Games | Jezebel Mike Huckabee: Kim Davis Only Has to Uphold the Law ‘If It’s Right’ | Lifehacker HashtagToDo Turns Google Calendar Into a To-Do List |

Even on Labor Day, there can be no rest for action star and known baller Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. The Rock brought home two new French Bulldog puppies Monday—BRUTUS and HOBBS (all caps, please)—and wouldn’t you know it, as soon as he set them down outside, those cute li’l fuckers ran straight for his baller-ass swimming pool.

HOBBS is a natural swimmer, got those natural swimmin’ instincts. But BRUTUS, The Rock explains, unfortunately has the instincts of a brick. (The Rock knows you thought he would say “rock,” but he wrote “brick” multiple times when he told this story on Instagram, so it’s “brick,” okay?)

Anyway, HOBBS is doggy-paddling along, and down to the bottom goes BRUTUS. So into the water goes a fully-clothed The Rock, who is like “Oh, shit. That dog can’t swim. He’s like a damn brick,” and he scoops BRUTUS up from the pool floor. He emerges triumphantly, lifts both doggies to the sky, and strikes a charming hero pose for social media. [Sound of cartoon smile sparkling in sun.]

Everyone was okay on this day of labors. Except for Dwayne Johnson’s phone, which was sadly killed during the rescue.

R.I.P. Dwayne Johnson’s phone (2015?-2015). At least he had a backup in case he had to Instagram any heroic rescues (always a possibility for The Rock).

Here is the moral of this episode of Ballers, according to Dwayne Johnson:

“A few lessons I’ve learned today. A) Not all puppies have the instinct to doggie paddle. B) Some puppies (like BRUTUS) will be so in shock by experiencing water they will sink extremely fast so react quick. C) While spiriting to save your puppies life, before you dive in, try and throw your cel phone to safety. Don’t keep it in your pocket… like I did. #BRUTUSLives #HOBBSCanSwim #MyCelPhonesDead #AndNoMouthToMouthNeeded #HappyLaborDay.”

[h/t EW, Photo: THE ROCK’s Instagram]

Chris Christie, the New Jersey governor who wants to be president of the United States but won’t, appeared on MSNBC’s Morning Joe Tuesday. When asked how he would manage New York City if he were mayor, Christie said “Stop and Frisk would be back in about five minutes.” Luckily for us, he is not mayor of New York City.

Here are more words Christie vomited while on air:

• “Ready to roll, baby!”
• “I am just stunned, as are most people who live in this area, that this has been the safest summer in New York.”
• “You wanna get high in Colorado and Washington, even though marijuana is against the law in the country? Eh, go ahead.”
• “Here is what leadership is all about.”
• “It’s the liberal policies in this city that have led to the lawless that’s been encouraged by the president of the United States.”
• “Blah blah blah something about kids and teachers unions”
• “Obama.”
• “If police step over the line, they deserve to be taken care of and prosecuted.”
• “I’m outraged.”
• “Under both Mayor Giuliani and Mayor Bloomberg we didn’t see the outward manifestation of this problem like we see it now, we didn’t see the diminution in the quality of life like we see it now.”
• “The mayor is right.”
  
• “Obama.”
• “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.”

You can watch the full video below:

Hello, Donald Trump supporters. Donald Trump believes that you are very fucking dumb. And you are proving him correct.

I would like to speak now directly to to the Donald Trump supporters. To you, the 30% of Republicans who back Trump, placing him ahead of any other presidential candidate and causing an ongoing spasm of Trumpmanship that threatens to swamp every other political story this year. The mainstream media says that you are disaffected, fed up with the status quo, and sick of political correctness. The Republican establishment believes that you are a force to be reckoned with. And Donald Trump himself thinks of you as exactly what you are: America’s biggest suckers.

Donald Trump is a leading presidential candidate. How is this possible? Only through the sort of extreme gullibility usually seen only in casinos or fundamentalist religious revival halls. There is no other way. Donald Trump is not a politician. Donald Trump is not a thinker. Donald Trump is not a theorist, or a moral leader, or a man who possesses philosophical convictions other than egoism. Donald Trump is a cartoon clown whose immutable role is “Grossly Exaggerated Rich Guy Stereotype” in the drama of American pop culture. And now, thanks to a high polling number, we are all forced to listen to the media discuss his “policies,” as if he has any. One might as well put a pig in front of a microphone and thoughtfully transcribe his oinks as you interview him about supply-side economics.

“I love the Bible,” says Donald Trump. “Nothing beats the Bible.” Can you conceive of a more blatant piece of hucksterism? Every single syllable drips with the utmost condescension for the intelligence of its listeners. Donald Trump, a born-rich real estate developer with gold faucets in his penthouse, standing on stage in Iowa or Alabama or Michigan, telling you that he loves the Bible. At least corrupt televangelists have the decency to memorize a few Bible passages to bolster their scam. Trump’s crude version of Bible-thumping consists of nothing more than uttering the word “Bible” and watching you, the credulous salt-of-the-earth Christians, clap until your palms are red. It disgusts me to even have to go through the charade of pretending to contemplate whether or not Donald Trump is truly a Good Spiritual Christian. It is time wasted engaging seriously with sheer idiocy. Donald Trump hops from his garish branded helicopter and immediately tells you, the crowd of agog yokels, that he loves nothing more than the Bible, the book of love and humility, and you all accept this at face value, because you too love the Bible, and you think helicopters are really cool. Donald Trump is a third rate carrot peeler salesman at the county fair, and you are the knot of bored marks entranced by his patter, rushing to shell out your dollars for his bauble.

You there! Regard this fine item with awe—a carrot peeler, with a likeness of Jesus etched right into its cheap plastic handle! The bold and holy carrot peeler craftsmanship only found in factories in Communist China! Buy now! And vote Trump!

Nothing that comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth bears the slightest resemblance to real policy positions that might be put into place by a real president. I am not talking about whether or not his policies are liberal or conservative. I am talking about whether they are in any way based in the real world, or whether they are the off-the-cuff ravings of an egotistical jackass whose own jackassery is exceeded only by that of his supporters. The answer is the latter. His position on immigration is impossible. His position on economics is made up on the spot. He speaks of international trade agreements as if he was speaking of fantasy football. Donald Trump will appoint super smart guys to make good deals and tell those Chinese what’s what! Why didn’t anyone else think of this? The profound stupidity of his discourse is perfectly matched to the profound stupidity of its intended audience.

That’s you: his stupid supporters.

Donald Trump could pay people to cobble together a coherent political platform and train him to repeat it, if he wanted to. But why bother? He can simply give racism, “the Bible,” and a few outrageous insults of public figures to you, the least informed slice of the electorate, and receive your full-throated support in return. In this sense, Donald Trump’s campaign is easy. He just does what comes naturally. The only remarkable thing about him is his staggering level of support in the polls. I would say that he has pulled off an amazing con, but “con” implies some sort of devious and clever plot. What Donald Trump has done is much simpler: he has correctly assessed the imbecility of the public, and found that it matches his own preferred level of rhetorical rambling. The rest is presidential history.

How best to stick it to the damned elites? Why, by throwing your support behind a billionaire golf course builder and ostentatious private jet owner, of course! You saps. He loves the Bible more than any other book! You fools. He’ll send China back to China, and Mexico back to Mexico! Something something deals, making deals, a deal for America! He’s not afraid to stand up and say that anyone “doesn’t have a clue!” Argle bargle, hibbity jibbity, he is an undifferentiated mass of rage, just like us, the large group of people left behind in three decades of rising inequality in America! By appealing solely to anger rather than to intellect, he will somehow solve intractable problems! He pounds the table quite sharply!

You fucking suckers.

Donald Trump offers less than bread and circuses. He offers only uninteresting insults, unimaginative lies and unattractive baseball caps. To you, his millions of supporters, he offers something else: his contempt. He figures that you are too fucking dumb to see through him. So far, he is absolutely right.

[Pic via Getty]

Well, at least it isn’t “Bad Blood.”

According to Billboard, Felix Jaehn’s remix of OMI’s “Cheerleader” is the official Song of the Summer based on its chart performance. The three-year-old mix of an even older song spent six non-consecutive weeks atop the Billboard Hot 100 this year. Incidentally, I do not understand the pants-wetting love people have for a song so gentle and cloying it sounds like Raffi, but then that is why I left it off my personal list of 2015 summer jams. It’s a free country; you assemble your Summer of 2015 playlist however you see fit.

Here’s this year’s Top 5. For your reference, last year’s No. 1 was Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy”:

5. Silentó “Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)”

4. The Weeknd “Can’t Feel My Face”

3. Taylor Swift “Bad Blood”

2. Wiz Khalifa featuring Charlie Puth “See You Again”

1. OMI “Cheerleader (Felix Jaehan Remix)”

Kind of a shitty summer for pop music. After spending all summer unable to avoid them, I wouldn’t mind if I never heard any of these songs again. Let’s make 2016 better.