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Urban Carbon Efficiency Could Save Trillions

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Urban Carbon Efficiency Could Save Trillions

The global discussion about cutting carbon emissions often centers on how much it would cost in the short term. But in the long term, trillions of dollars could be saved.

Yes, it will cost money to upgrade our buildings and transportation systems and energy systems in order to cut back on carbon emissions. And since most politicians are very geared towards short-term savings, such upgrades seem daunting. The alternative, however, is much greater cost down the road from disastrous results of climate change. And, on an even more mundane level that may appeal to budget nerds, carbon inefficiency across the world costs us tons of money each year even without apocalypse.

A new report from a multinational commission of climate experts finds that a concerted carbon-efficiency effort from just the world’s cities could save close to $17 trillion over the next 35 years. The necessary steps include compact city planning, more efficient building codes, better transportation efficiency, and upgraded city recycling plans. A brief cost-benefit analysis, from the report:

Even with this focus on the low-carbon options that could be adopted or promoted by local government, and with conservativeand time-limited estimates of costs and benefits, the analysis finds a compelling economic case for significant low-carboninvestment in cities. In the “medium” scenario, the gross global costs of these investments would be US$977 billion per year in2015–2050 (equivalent to 1.3% of global GDP in 2014), but they would reduce annual energy expenditure by US$1.58 trillionin 2030 and US$5.85 trillion in 2050...While we must acknowledge potentially significantopportunity costs, this means the low-carbon investments collectively would pay for themselves within 16 years. The currentvalue of the stream of net savings they would generate for cities in 2015–2050 (measured as a net present value or NPV) wouldbe US$16.6 trillion.

Seems like a good investment.

Also we need a carbon tax.

[The full report. Pic via AP]


Sandra Bullock "Stood Out" With "Gorgeous" BF On Double Date With Jen Aniston; It's Fine

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Sandra Bullock "Stood Out" With "Gorgeous" BF On Double Date With Jen Aniston; It's Fine

Jennifer Aniston’s life is one big celebrity sexy party, and you know what: it’s fine. This weekend, Jen and her new husband Justin Theroux (actor) went on a “star-studded double date” in Austin, Texas, with Sandra Bullock and her new boyfriend, a “gorgeous” model/photographer named Bryan Randall. Damn.

Witness Rhonda Scott, who identifies as a luxury real estate agent, told People that she spotted the foursome at Sandy’s restaurant, Bess Bistro. “It was a nice intimate setting and the couples were very cozy,” she said. “They seemed to know each other very well, and seemed quite close.”

Scott added that Bryan, who attended Jen and Justin’s wedding with Sandy last month, is a “tall, gorgeous, silver fox.”

She also noted, “Sandra stood out in a pair of white shorts and a black top.”

Oh.

What about Jen? Second witness Justin Diamond, who identifies as Justin Diamond, told People, “Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux were very handsy...every time she would put on her glasses to read a text message, Justin would caress her while she was on the phone.”

Jennifer Aniston can’t read her dang phone without her glasses, haha; when did we get so old, haha; by we I mean me, haha—love the shorts, Sandy.

First witness Rhonda Scott concluded to People, “It was amazing to see those big stars in one room together.”

Amazing for some, and O.K. for others—no really, we’re all O.K.

Photo via Getty. Contact the author at allie@gawker.com.

Kim Davis Betrayed: Deputy Clerk Will Continue to Issue Marriage Licenses Whether She Likes It or Not 

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Kim Davis Betrayed: Deputy Clerk Will Continue to Issue Marriage Licenses Whether She Likes It or Not 

In what could be termed as a serious power grab—or, alternatively, lawful compliance with a judge’s orders—a deputy Kentucky clerk says he’ll ensure couples can get married in his county, despite the best efforts of his anti-gay boss, Kim Davis.

Davis for weeks refused to issue any marriage licenses—despite a mandate from a federal judge. She was eventually jailed over what she’s deeming a religious objection, making her an instant hero among a certain subset.

http://gawker.com/kim-davis-for-...

Davis was freed this week and is expected to return to work on Friday or Monday. But her deputy clerk, Brian “Judas” Mason, says the office will continue to issue licenses over her objections.

Via the AP:

Mason said Wednesday that licenses would be granted to anyone seeking them. He told reporters that if Davis tells him to stop, he will tell her no. Mason says he would have to follow the judge’s order to issue licenses.

In the meantime, Davis is facing a licensing issue of her own, from the band Survivor, which—much like her underlings—would prefer not to be associated with her.

http://jezebel.com/survivor-is-pi...


Image via AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

The Only Religious Freedom Mike Huckabee Cares About Is His Own

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On today’s episode of Morning Joe, Mike Huckabee repeatedly refused to answer whether he would stand up for others’ supposed “religious liberty” as he has for Kim Davis. As you probably are aware, Huckabee leeched onto Davis yesterday during a press conference that celebrated her release from jail.

The clip above starts with Joe Scarborough asking Huckabee yet another iteration of a question he had by then been asked once or twice before during the lengthy interview: “What would you think if a judge in Arkansas said, ‘I’m not going to divorce these people because Jesus Christ said that divorce is an abomination and it is adultery’?”

Huckabee began to discuss Chancellor Jeffrey Atherton, who last week dismissed a divorce complaint in an attempt to prove a dickish point about allowing gays to marry (“With the U.S. Supreme Court having defined what must be recognized as a marriage, it would appear that Tennessee’s judiciary must now await the decision of the U.S. Supreme Court as to what is not a marriage, or better stated, when a marriage is no longer a marriage,” said Atherton).

Mika Brzezinski then interrupted Huckabee in an attempt to get him to answer the question. “Would you support a clerk who would not give Kim Davis a third or a fourth marriage license? You?”

Huckabee responded that he wasn’t sure he followed this very simple question. “You’re asking a question of a different nature,” he said. “There’s a difference between a marriage between a man and a woman or a marriage between two men and a marriage between two women...What we’re talking about whether we can redefine marriage. Not whether or not that a person can have more than one because the law clearly says what people can do. They can have a divorce, we have laws for that.”

That there is no institution that redefines marriage in the explicit way that divorce does (it redefines it as temporary, in fact) is beside the point. Brzezinski pointed out that same-sex marriage is now, in fact, legal.

“Let me know which article of the constitution that says that same sex marriage is under the jurisdiction of the federal government,” said Huckabee. Here, maybe this tweet could be useful:

This is also a very interesting Wikipedia entry on the Constitution’s Supremacy Clause.

Here Huckabee was able to put a finer point on his display of bigotry. He explained:

It requires an agreement on the part of the other branches of government, you can’t just have one branch...I believe [same-sex marriage] is a constitutional abomination but because of my faith, I believe that I have a responsibility to stand with those who are being persecuted not only for their faith but for following the law and especially those who are being beaten up by the heavy hand of the judicial branch of government and put in jail for doing what they believe is right.

And here is really where Huckabee’s opportunism and exploitation of Kim Davis—whose religious egocentrism might as well be full-on hatred for its effect, and certainly comes off as stunning idiocy—becomes clear. For Davis, the decision not to issue marriage licenses hasn’t been framed with a critique of U.S. law or denouncement of so-called activist judges. It is solely about her “religious freedom” to discriminate. She claimed to be acting “under God’s authority” when confronted about her refusal to issue marriage licenses in the wake of the Supreme Court’s decision, and then released a lengthy statement that reads in part:

To issue a marriage license which conflicts with God’s definition of marriage, with my name affixed to the certificate, would violate my conscience. It is not a light issue for me. It is a Heaven or Hell decision. For me it is a decision of obedience. I have no animosity toward anyone and harbor no ill will. To me this has never been a gay or lesbian issue. It is about marriage and God’s Word. It is a matter of religious liberty, which is protected under the First Amendment, the Kentucky Constitution, and in the Kentucky Religious Freedom Restoration Act. Our history is filled with accommodations for people’s religious freedom and conscience.

Huckabee rushed to her side to impose his own agenda on her repugnant cause. The reason he did this is that he has spent so much time championing “traditional marriage” that when the Supreme Court ruled in favor of nationwide same-sex marriage in June, Huckabee watched one of his most prominent platforms disintegrate under his feet. He watched his relevance dry up on the spot. That must be terrifying for a presidential hopeful and famewhore like Huckabee.

Mike Huckabee used the persecution of gay people to help build his career, and he’s using Kim Davis as a pathetic attempt to keep it afloat. Gay people, Kim Davis—they’re all pawns to Huckabee. So desperate is this man that he never answered the simple question that was posed to him again and again because it would reveal the weakness of his logic. This is what hanging on by a thread looks like.

This Week In Tabloids: Trust Me, Beyoncé and Jay Z Are Definitely Splitting Up

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This Week In Tabloids: Trust Me, Beyoncé and Jay Z Are Definitely Splitting Up

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we get a call from Beyoncé, pause the episode of Cheers we’re watching on Netflix, answer the phone, say, “Bey? You there?” listen to her breathe into the phone for a few moments before finally saying, “It’s over,” after which all the lights in your home flicker and shake as you realize what’s just occurred.

This week: Beyoncé and Jay Z are more through than ever, William and Kate are more royal then ever, Sandra’s new boyfriend is more dangerous than ever, and Blake and Gwen are more boring than ever.

Here we go!


OK!

This Week In Tabloids: Trust Me, Beyoncé and Jay Z Are Definitely Splitting Up

PALACE CONFIRMS WILLIAM & KATE: KING & QUEEN

Bust out your Union Jacks and turn up your Rita Ora singles because I have some incredible breaking news that is 100% true because the palace has “confirmed” it: Queen Elizabeth is “giving up the throne after 63 years” and William and Kate will soon be be King and Queen of England. See, what happened was that Queen Elizabeth approached Prince Charles and was all, Charles, sweetie, honey bear, darling, my favorite corgi - you’re not going to be King of England because it’s not good for the monarchy, and then (claims a family insider) he “flew into a rage, ranting that the crown is rightfully his.” He eventually “began to understand her way of thinking,” but not Camilla! Oh hell no, Camilla is not having any of this and is apparently “devastated.” Anyway, the coronation ceremony is going to cost a billion dollars or euros or whatever and George will probably do something cute. Page flip, page flip, Scott Disick isn’t Reign’s father? No, that’s how the headline is written. “Scott Disick Not Reign’s Father?” Some source says that Scott says that he isn’t sure if Reign is his, but if that’s the case, whose is he? Maybe someone named Michael Girgenti, apparently, but I couldn’t possibly tell you who the hell that is. I could, however, tell you who Jennifer Lawrence is, and I could also tell you that she is “embracing her single life since her split from noncommittal Chris Martin.” She has so many friends. She loves life. Wow what a life. All of us are so jealous.

And Also:

  • Jake Gyllenhaal and Charlize Theron are secretly dating, and I’m publicly shipping.
  • Kourtney wants Khloe to set her up with Orlando Bloom for some reason.
  • Adam Sandler’s career is taking a toll on his wife for some reason, and that reason is probably Pixels.
  • Zac Efron and Emily Ratajkowski are “too close” and Sami Miro is mad jealous.
  • Jennifer Garner’s “support system” consists of 1.) Gwyneth Paltrow and 2.) *see 1.*
  • Kristen Stewart is “obsessed with therapy” and is “one of the most overly analytical people you’ll ever meet.”
  • Calvin Harris has “anger issues.”

Grade: C- (You’re accused of being “too close” to Emily Ratajkowski.)


inTouch

This Week In Tabloids: Trust Me, Beyoncé and Jay Z Are Definitely Splitting Up

BEYONCÉ SHOCKER: DIVORCE ANNOUNCEMENT

Here’s some more big news for you: Beyoncé Knowles is going to divorce Jay Z and there’s nothing we, as a people, can do about it. (I’ll wait for you to grab some tissues before I begin, because this one’s rough and your faith in love will dissolve entirely by the time you’re finished reading.) OK, so what happened was that—hold your breath—Jay Z cheated on Beyoncé a lot (perhaps with Rita Ora) and she’s finally had enough. Exhale. OK, fine. Not that interesting of a story, but whatever. They’re finished, and world will soon come to an end—but hopefully not before her next album. Selena Gomez is also finished...with that drink! So she’s going to order another. And another. And another. And now she’s blackout. Yes, the sad truth is that Selena’s “confidence has been rocked in recent months” and now she’s is spiraling out of control. Sources say she’s “drinking like crazy,” which is particularly problematic because she suffers from Lupus, and now I’m suffering from boredom because of this magazine. Uhh, page flip, FKA Bennifer 2.0 are still in couples therapy, and “it’s working.” Maybe they’ll be able to remove the FKA from their name! Actually, you know what? I want FKA Bennifer 2.0 to switch to a new name if they reconcile. A symbol, maybe—like Prince. It could be a minimalist line drawing of Christine Ouzounian’s face. Yes, that’s how they should identify from now on.

And Also:

  • David Schwimmer is “fuming” over being snubbed from Jennifer and Justin’s secret wedding.
  • Tom and Gisele are definitely gonna break up soon.
  • Angelina Jolie prays a lot now.
  • Cameron Diaz is pregnant with twins.
  • This magazine is pregnant with bullshit.

Wrong Answer:

This Week In Tabloids: Trust Me, Beyoncé and Jay Z Are Definitely Splitting Up

Grade: D+ (You don’t invite David Schwimmer to dinner one night and he gets so mad about it and just, like, WON’T let it go. Like every time you hang out after he makes weird and uncomfortable references to it, like, “Oh, where was that place you all went for dinner last month? I’ve been wanting to try it.”)


Life & Style

This Week In Tabloids: Trust Me, Beyoncé and Jay Z Are Definitely Splitting Up

BLAKE & GWEN STEFANI: HOT NEW ROMANCE

This is maybe (definitely?) the weirdest/most boring post-divorce office romance rebound I’ve ever heard of. We all know Blake divorced Miranda, and we all know Gwen divorced Gavin, but now the news is that Blake and Gwen went back to work on The Voice and fell in love. “They’re trying to keep it on the down-low,” but “everyone on set” knows it. Even Miranda found out about it. She used to “consider Gwen a pal” but now they’re like, never ever gonna hang out again. Probably not even in group brunches or anything! OK I’m bored. And now for the best item of the week: Angelina Jolie was using Brad Pitt’s phone to “send herself a cute pic he’d taken of the children” (I laughed out loud here) when she discovered a “weird back and forth” between Brad and “a number she didn’t recognize.” Whose number was it??? JENNIFER FUCKING ANISTON’S NUMBER. Ahhhhh, but just wait. She sent Brad “a smiley face, hearts, and even one of a woman in a bridal veil.” So Angie FLIPS out, right, and starts yelling at Brad, who said, “Jen had merely given him a courtesy call to let him know about her wedding and that she was planning on adopting a baby girl.” Angie sort of believed him, but is going to continue “looking over her shoulder, wondering what Brad is up to.”

And Also:

  • Gisele needs plastic surgery “to save her marriage.”
  • Kaitlyn and Shawn are making so much money on endorsements somehow?
  • Nicole Richie is “scary skinny.”
  • Every single person in the world hates Tyga but Kylie.
  • Katy Perry dumped John Mayer again.
  • Wear red plaid this week or else everywhere you go people in red plaid will whisper, “Look at that piece of human garbage who refuses to wear red plaid.
  • If you don’t wear culottes constantly, like, I’m sorry, but you need prayers?

Wrong Answer:

This Week In Tabloids: Trust Me, Beyoncé and Jay Z Are Definitely Splitting Up

Grade: B+ (You and Jennifer Aniston are texting about Brad and she send you an eggplant emoji and you write back, “lol.”)


Star

This Week In Tabloids: Trust Me, Beyoncé and Jay Z Are Definitely Splitting Up

SANDRA’S DANGEROUS NEW ROMANCE: HE’S BEEN TO JAIL 4 TIMES!

Sandra Bullock “has a thing for bad boys,” and her new guy, Bryan Randall, is proof. Here’s what’s up: Bryan’s friends call him “Bandit,” he’s been arrested for DUI, missing court dates, and driving without a license, and once said he conceived a daughter while “loaded on LSD”? No, really. He commented on a Facebook photo of his daughter earlier this year and wrote: “Sky was the happiest baby...I don’t think she cried until preschool. I’m pretty sure she was conceived while i was loaded on LSD.” The comment has one Like - perhaps by Sandy? What next. Oh, Taylor Swift has a “secret backup boy” for when “Calvin Harris is away.” An insider says Swift calls him “her ‘tour guy’” and that “they’ve got a ton of chemistry and electricity.” He “feels obligated to cater to her every whim, whether it’s foot and neck rubs or private rehearsals to work on choreography.” I think I can honestly say, without hyperbole, that there’s no scarier thing I can imagine than hearing Taylor Swift say, “Rub my feet,” and mean it.

And Also:

  • Gavin cheated on Gwen with some non-G-name woman named Shanna.
  • Caitlyn’s probably going to prison because of that car accident.
  • Tori Spelling dyes her kids’ hair blonde.
  • Josh Duggar is at rehab at a “sketchy treatment center run by sex offenders.”
  • Blake’s dogs went to Miranda after the divorce.
  • Maggie Q and Uma Thurman are in a new movie together and can’t stand each other.

Wrong Answer:

This Week In Tabloids: Trust Me, Beyoncé and Jay Z Are Definitely Splitting Up

Grade: C- (Tori Spelling dyes your hair.)


Appendix:

This Week In Tabloids: Trust Me, Beyoncé and Jay Z Are Definitely Splitting Up

Fig 1. InTouch


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Burning Man Is Also Infested With Undercover FBI Agents

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Burning Man Is Also Infested With Undercover FBI Agents

Guess what, those swarming insects aren’t the only bugs on the Burning Man playa these days.

http://gawker.com/burning-man-is...

See, until this week, the only thing attendees had to worry about were cops trying to make drug busts. But those days of wide-pupiled innocence are officially over—the FBI admits it’s been sending in undercover burners—for what purpose we may never know.

The documents, obtained in connection with a FOIA request published by MuckRacker, show the FBI has quietly maintained a presence at the festival for at least five years.

This, despite noting that “The greatest known threat in this event is crowd control issues and use of illegal drugs by participants.” Still, FBI officials say their presence has been necessary to prevent “terrorist activities” at the weeklong desert rave.

Far more interesting is the notion that the agency has been using the event to field-test new surveillance equipment in a heavily redacted governmental show of radical self-reliance. (According to CBS, “the agency’s Special Events Management unit seems to note that the event is used to practice intelligence collection and anti-terrorism security.”)

All this, and still no one can figure out who stole my friend’s bike!! FBI guys, if you’re reading this, it was blue and had red lights on it. Thanks so much for your help.


Image via Shutterstock and ME!! Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.

7 Easy Steps to Living Like It's the Victorian Era

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7 Easy Steps to Living Like It's the Victorian Era

For the modern man, venturing through life as if you were living in the 1880s and ‘90s would be no easy feat. If you were Jesse James, you would always be worried about getting killed by Robert Ford; if you were a writer, you would no doubt be jealous of Mark Twain; plus the clothing was very heavy. This has not stopped writer Sarah A. Chrisman and her husband from trying, however.

Chrisman expounded their old-timey life today in a period-essay for Vox, a sacred relic originally found in XOJane circa 2013. In it, she explains how she and her husband, Gabriel, live a fully authentic Victorian life in the year 2015. No cell phones, no pens, “hand-knit wool swim trunks” for swimming, a bowl and pitcher for bathing, access to only two blogs apparently. It is really something. Here we’ve attempted to distill her wisdom into six olde bite-sized chunks, for you—the reader who might want to take a walk on the excruciatingly Victorian side, if only for a few years.

1. Get Old Things

You’ve got to get old things. “But I like my new things,” you’re thinking. Well—OK. You’ve come to the wrong place, then, buddy, if you like your new things. “There are no modern lightbulbs in our house,” Chrisman explains. “Every morning I wind the mechanical clock in our parlor,” Chrisman explains. “I write in my diary with an antique fountain pen that I fill with liquid ink using an eyedropper,” Chrisman explains. “...my letter opener was made sometime in the late Victorian era from a taxidermied deer foot,” Chrisman explains. You see what I’m saying, about the old things.

2. Make Some Minor Exceptions for Company

“When Gabriel and I have company,” Chrisman boasts, “we use early electric lightbulbs, based on the first patents of Tesla and Edison. When it’s just the two of us, we use oil lamps.” What will your company talk to you about once you are able to find some company? Well, that is a different topic altogether.

3. Let Your Boyfriend Know You Really Like Him by Sewing Identical Copies of the Old-Timey Clothes He Buys You and Wearing Them Every Single Day

Chrisman explains that she first started wearing Victorian clothes because Gabriel, who knew she “always admired Victorian ideals and aesthetics,” bought them for her as gifts. “I was so intrigued by those clothes,” she explains, “that I hand-sewed copies I could wear every day.”

:)

4. Dumb Bikes in Old Mines

On special outings when Gabriel and I go cycling together, I ride a copy of a high-wheel tricycle from the 1880s. Gabriel has three high-wheel bicycles, and he has ridden them hundreds of miles. On our vacation just last week, we rode our high-wheel cycles more than 75 miles along a historic railroad route between abandoned silver mines.

5. Talk About Old Magazines Nonstop

  • “The books and magazines the Victorians themselves wrote and read constitute the vast bulk of our reading materials...”
  • “There is a universe of difference between a book or magazine article about the Victorian era and one actually written in the period.”
  • “(Shampooing with Castile soap is a piece of beauty advice I found in a Victorian magazine from about the time our house was built.)”
  • “ I kept thinking of an article we had read in an 1883 cycling magazine about wheelmen riding bikes just like Gabriel’s when they took a trip out to a mine.”

6. Prepare for People to Want to Murder You or Be Rude Otherwise

If one thing stands out from Chrisman’s essay, it is that life is not easy for those born with a Victorian mindset. Must they be persecuted so—in 2015? Open your eyes. Until things change, you’re going to have to accept that your neighbors will want to murder you:

We have been called “freaks,” “bizarre,” and an endless slew of far worse insults. We’ve received hate mail telling us to get out of town and repeating the word “kill ... kill ... kill.”

Damn.

7. Empty the Melt Water From the Drip Tray Beneath Your Ice Box’s Base

Well, you knew this was coming:

When we moved in, there was an electric fridge in the kitchen: We sold that as soon as we could. Now we have a period-appropriate icebox that we stock with block ice. Every evening, and sometimes twice a day during summer, I empty the melt water from the drip tray beneath its base.

So, there you have it.

Lot of dumb stuff out there, as it turns out.


Image via Shutterstock. Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.

Leaked Files Show How the Heritage Foundation Navigates the Reactionary Views of Wealthy Donors 

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Leaked Files Show How the Heritage Foundation Navigates the Reactionary Views of Wealthy Donors 

Late last month, a strange file appeared on an Amazon server belonging to the Heritage Foundation, an influential Washington, D.C.-based think tank that remains widely regarded as one of the country’s most serious and respectable conservative institutions. The file—which appears to have been unintentionally uploaded by a Heritage staffer, rather than obtained by an intruder—offers a remarkable window into how Heritage maintains this reputation. It contains hundreds of emails and thousands of pages of internal fundraising reports documenting how the foundation navigated the flood of conservative conspiracy-mongering that followed Obama’s election in 2008, and how its staffers discussed the increasingly bizarre ideologies of its donor class with puzzlement and occasional derision.

The file, which has since been deleted, is a Microsoft Outlook backup folder that appears to have been associated with an assistant director at Heritage named Steve DeBuhr, who belongs to the foundation’s “major gifts team” and handles donor relations in the Midwest. In that capacity, he received regularly updated “call reports” containing detailed dossiers on current and potential donors as well as DeBuhr’s and other development officers’ various interactions with those donors throughout the country. By all accounts, the file appears to be authentic: It surfaced on the same server (thf_media.s3.amazonaws.com) where Heritage hosts policy papers and membership forms.

Between 2008 and 2009, Heritage raised approximately $135,000,000 in tax-deductible donations from private charities and individuals, according to publicly available tax filings. One of those individuals was a Pennsylvania businessman named Robert W. Ellis, who between 1994 and 2008 gave 40 gifts totaling nearly $250,000 to the foundation. DeBuhr’s records indicate Ellis’s development officer, a Heritage employee named Jeffrey Trimbath, met Ellis in person at least seven times between July 2008 and June 2009. In notes taken after those meetings, Trimbath characterized what he took to be Ellis’s views toward Muslims and liberals.

After a July 15, 2008 meeting in West Chester, Pennsylvania, Trimbath wrote:

At lunch, Bob was characteristically passionate, but this time so no much against the Muslims, but against liberals and socialists. He said that everytime he meets a liberal/leftist person, he says “well, I guess you’re a mass murderer in training, because that’s where your ideology leads.”

Trimbath’s characterization of Ellis’s views appears to be accurate. “Liberals are basically socialist in ideology, they believe in massive government,” Ellis told Gawker when reached by telephone. “Socialism, liberalism, they all seek to gain total control. And every time–with Stalin, Pol Pot, and so on—they lead to mass murder. They’re mass murderers!”

Ellis also confirmed, as Trimpath’s latter notes suggest, that he views the religion of Islam and its practitioners with suspicion and outright hostility. For example: After a January 14, 2009 meeting at Heritage’s Washington office, which followed a lecture by an Anglican bishop named Michael Nazir-Ali, Trimbath wrote:

Bob was characteristically aggressive with the Bishop, but not inappropriate. He represented the “hard line” position of not negotiating or even talking to Muslims. He was able to ask two questions,, and interject 2 or so comments in the meeting. He said that the Bishop should forget interfaith dialogue because it just gives credibility to the Muslims.

When asked about this passage, Ellis told Gawker that “I don’t know if that’s an exact quote, but it probably came from what I said about the nature of Islam. Have you ever read the Quran? Have you ever heard of the concept of taqiya?” In the same conversation, Ellis said he interpreted taqiya to mean that Muslims are obligated to deceive non-Muslims in order to obtain power.

Furthermore, after an April 3, 2009 phone call about a recent presentation about sharia law that Ellis had seen in Washington, D.C., Trimbath described Ellis’ thoughts about the presentation this way:

[Robert W. Ellis] said that the presentation was good, and Bob made reference to the event we attended in Maryland last fall. Of course, this subject unleashed the typical torrent of passion that we’ve come to know in Bob and his views about Islam. “You can kill ‘em as fast as they’re making ’em” was a quote I hadn’t yet heard. We’re the moderates in light of this view, but that is ok.

When asked about this passage, Ellis clarified: “I probably said, ‘you can’t kill them as fast as they’re making them.’ Or that they’re killing each other faster than we can kill them.” After noting the population growth of the Iraq, the majority of whose citizens practice Islam, Ellis added: “It would be easier for us to just let them kill each other.”

Trimbath’s private attempt to distance Heritage from Ellis’s position—which, boiled down, seems to be that Muslims should be killed at a pace commensurate with their birth rate—didn’t stop the foundation from regarding him as an ally: Elsewhere in his notes, Trimbath refers to Ellis as “our good friend Bob Ellis.”

Another example of Heritage wrestling with its understanding of the views of its donors comes from notes regarding its relationship with the trust of John E. and Sue M. Jackson, which funneled $330,000 to Heritage between 1995 and 2008. One of the trust’s officers sent Trimbath an email on September 7, 2008, thanking him for sending a Heritage white paper about the compatibility of Islam with Western civilization:

Thanks for sending me the article on Islam by your Kim Holmes, #1097. While he was very circumspect in how he approached the problem, I wish someone in Heritage would analyze positions and actions our nation should take to preserve our freedoms while we are under attack by the radical Muslims.

According to the same call report, the officer followed up with Trimbath in an email sent three hours later:

We are in deep yoghurt and our Islamic tolerance for their radical Jihadism will submerge us unless we get a proper policy to prevent us from allowing those within to destroy us. Our Constitution is GREAT and MUST be preserved with its Bill of Rights! (Those poor Brits have already caved in; they are as lost as is France.) What is Heritage doing to focus on our SURVIVAL in the face of our tolerance to let Radical Islam destroy us using “Creeping Jihadism”?

The same report indicates that Trimbath responded later that week:

Thank you so much for your email from Sunday. [...] Regarding your observations below, I am grateful for your counsel. We are moving clearly, but slowly, in this area given the sensibilities. We are asking the questions that other think tanks simply are not asking. And, part of that is inviting speakers to Heritage that will forthrightly confront the problem that you highlight.

Later on in the same correspondence, Trimbath asked the officer to schedule a phone call—which turned out to contain an ask for “$40K per year for the next three years,” or $120,000, from the trust. The officer did not respond to requests for comment.

A third example of how Heritage employees deal with political views well outside the mainstream conservative discourse can be found in a January 2009 call report, in which a development officer recounted a meeting with a Florida philanthropist named Betty Anderlik, who gave $62,155 to Heritage between 2003 and 2009.

She was cheerful, but a bit odd. Her biggest concerns about Obama are that he has not made his birth certificate public and that he is a Muslim. We talked a bit about Heritage’s challenges and I thanked her for her generous support.

Anderlik hung up the phone when reached by a reporter, so we don’t know if the internal reports accurately reflect her beliefs about Obama. Anderlik recently committed an additional $2.5 million to the foundation “to help turn the country around by renewing America’s focus on the family.”

It is worth pointing out here that, while Heritage doesn’t seem to have addressed the (long-settled) questions regarding Obama’s place of birth and religion, the foundation has been fairly clear about its institutional belief that Islam is a legitimate religion that respects the “values that inform democracy and representative government” and its view that the world’s Muslim population are overwhelmingly peaceful. That said, these call reports clearly suggest that Heritage does not consider a donor’s outré views toward Barack Obama’s background and Muslims (radical or otherwise) to be disqualifying, at least in terms of their ability to associate with Heritage and donate to the foundation.

This dynamic—in which a stolid conservative group depends on, and thus takes a gentle-handed approach toward, people who in Heritage’s estimation believe that Barack Obama secretly practices Islam—seems to be based on strategic rather than philosophical or moral calculations, according to a previously unpublished internal memo contained in the same cache of reports.

That memo, distributed by former communications director Rory Cooper to Heritage’s blog staff in February 2009, serves as something of a style guide for how the foundation’s employees should refer to President Obama and other Democrats:

President Obama: He is our President. And when we refer to him, it should be “President Obama”, “President Barack Obama” or “the President”. Using just his last name or even including his middle name can reflect disrespect for the office he earned in November. ...

Comparisons: “Just like Clinton” or “Much like ‘Generic Evil Person’. Unless we are literally comparing a record, let’s avoid hyperbolic comparisons.

Intent: “He wants America to Fail”, “He has a socialist agenda”. Let talk radio do the labeling for us on this one. We need to provide the facts, and let others be the judge.

In other words: Heritage chooses not to express the idea that Obama “wants America to fail” with the full knowledge that conservative talk radio shows will say that for them. Indeed, the foundation has a mutually beneficial relationship to the conservative talk radio industry: It funnels millions in advertising dollars to radio shows for access to its audience of motivated donors. In 2008, according to notes submitted by a development officer charged with handling donations from the Michigan-based Herrick Foundation (which had donated $4,405,000 between 1984 and 2008), Heritage was spending more than $4 million dollars on ads aired during popular conservative radio shows:

I reminded [a Herrick Foundation representative] that we are currently advertising on Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham and the cost is about $2.5 million. I told him that we are currently negotiating with Rush Limbaugh to start that next year and that would be an additional $2 million.

Dozens of references in the same fundraising documents suggest this strategy has been effective for Heritage. In a report describing a meeting with one donor who had given the foundation nearly $118,00 between 1987 and 2008, a development officer noted: “He listens to Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity a lot, hears our commercials and is very excited to hear that our membership is growing so significantly and so quickly. He is very proud to be a Heritage supporter.”

In response to several specific questions about the fundraising documents quoted in this article, Heritage Foundation spokesperson Wesley Denton provided a lengthy statement to Gawker, quoted in full by Politico here, asserting that Heritage was “unable to verify the authenticity of files circulated online” and that “all Americans have the right to support causes without fear of harassment.”

Shortly after Denton provided the statement, however, a Washington law firm representing Heritage sent Gawker Media’s legal department a 3-page letter confirming that the call reports we inquired about were “hastily-written—and often short-hand—summaries of phone calls and personal meetings between Heritage development staff and donors and potential donors of the Heritage Foundation.” Heritage’s law firm added that “we absolutely cannot and do not confirm that any alleged statements by donors and potential donors are accurately reproduced in the call report notes.”

Despite their client’s consistent support of the rights of a free press, Heritage’s law firm warned in the same letter that Gawker faced a risk of legal action if we decided to publish this article.

If you have any information about how Heritage conducts its fundraising operations, please get in touch.

trotter@gawker.com · PGP key + fingerprint · @jktrotter · Photo credit: Heritage.org


Woman Pleads Guilty to Producing and Starring in Horrifying Animal Snuff Porn

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Woman Pleads Guilty to Producing and Starring in Horrifying Animal Snuff Porn

A 24-year-old Texas woman pleaded guilty this week to producing and starring in gruesome “animal crush” porn videos that showed her torturing and killing animals, including cats and dogs.

Ashley Richards was convicted Tuesday after she admitted to producing eight of the films between 2010 and 2012. She had been in state custody for three years, the Houston Chronicle reports.

The Chronicle also explicitly spells out the contents of the videos; WARNING: the description below is absolutely stomach-turning:

In the films, a scantily clad Richards, sometimes masked, can be seen stabbing animals – including a puppy, a kitten and a chicken – as well as chopping off their limbs and urinating on them while making sexual comments to the camera. In one of the videos seized by authorities, Richards punctured a cat’s eye with a shoe heel.

Richards is the first person to be prosecuted under the Animal Crush Video Prohibition act, a federal law that outlaws porn showing animal death or torture. She faces up to 7 years in prison.

Richards’ sentence could be reduced, however, if she testifies about a sex trafficking operation. Her sentencing hearing is scheduled for December.

There are a number of contentious issues in American and politics and government, with both sides advocating valid, defensible arguments, but I think we can all put aside our differences for a moment to agree: fuck all of this.

[h/t Daily Dot, Photo: Houston PD]

Was Letterman's Debut Episode Better Than Colbert's? Judge For Yourself 

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The reviews of Stephen Colbert’s first episode of Late Show With Stephen Colbert are in. The verdict is: sure, this will do. But the future of the show will rest on how well Colbert can blend surrealism with affability, a formula perfected by his predecessor David Letterman from just about opening night 22 years ago.

Letterman, of course, had just a liiiiiiitle bit experience as the host of a late night talk show, having guest hosted Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show for years before spending a decade following Carson in the NBC’s late night slot.

The first episode at CBS was on August 30, 1993, and Letterman’s new show debuted fully-formed. There was the acidic wit that influenced an entire generation of comics, but also the charming absurdism that endeared him to the sort of Midwest yokels he grew up with.

A review of the episode by New York Times critic Janet Maslin recounts it all. First, Letterman brought himself onstage with a wacky stitched-together montage of old Ed Sullivan introductions:

Striding onto the stage of a handsomely refurbished Ed Sullivan Theater, to an introduction wittily patched together from old Ed Sullivan clips (Mr. Letterman was variously “a fabulous boy prodigy,” “my handsome Italian paisano” and “the most amazing of all the chimp acts ever to come on the show”), CBS’s new star wickedly took aim at his old employers. “Legally, I can continue to call myself Dave,” he explained, while also claiming to have found a peacock’s head in his bed.

In a taped bit, Letterman went to a small town in New Jersey whose residents had never heard of him:

He also made good use of the television verite techniques that have kept him on the cutting edge, and that now make him an ever-greater force to be reckoned with. One cleverly edited sequence took Mr. Letterman to an apparently hype-proof town in New Jersey, where he found people who had honestly never heard of him. He was able to introduce himself as Bryant Gumbel, sincerely insist that the average person watched 22 1/2 hours of television a day, jump into strangers’ swimming pools with his clothes on, and otherwise demonstrate that the Letterman brand of performance art is truly formidable and constantly surprising.

Later, he surprised construction workers refurbishing his studio to make a joke about street harassment:

Mr. Letterman’s much-discussed liability, his tendency to cross the line from supremely dry wit to real cruelty, was also on display. One early segment presented a slow-motion montage about the workers who renovated the Ed Sullivan Theater, turning it into an airier, roomier version of his NBC set. Then out came the construction workers themselves, as a titled flashed “Construction Workers!” and the workers squirmed uneasily and gaped at the star. “You folks did a wonderful job,” he told them. “You have my undying gratitude. Now get back on the streets and start hollering at girls.”

Then Bill Murray came on to do the Bill Murray thing:

Bill Murray, who was Mr. Letterman’s first guest on his previous show and was back last night for sentimental reasons, presented a rambling psychodrama involving spray paint, a somersault and a quick clip of himself impersonating a construction worker. He sobbed about being a fraud, and Mr. Letterman played straight man.

Maslin concludes that Letterman’s new show will be a success if “he keeps up the wit and energy of his auspicious opening show,” a correct assessment, if not exactly a difficult prediction to make.

Colbert’s first episode was less bold. His best bit involved a god that made him shill for a specific hummus brand—a riff on corporate product placement that was also effective as corporate product placement. Of course, every new late night host seems to be boxed in by the structure of the form before figuring out how to bend it the way they want. Letterman just happened to figure it out from the jump.


Contact the author at jordan@gawker.com.

Weather Channel Ends Its Rumspringa, Decides It Wants to Focus on Weather After All

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Weather Channel Ends Its Rumspringa, Decides It Wants to Focus on Weather After All

Years ago, The Learning Channel dumped learning in favor of Honey Boo Boo and a family led by a couple that doesn’t know how to just sit and talk at night. The History Channel slowly went from history to Hitler to the Harrisons, and The Weather Channel—once a force so powerful in America that it was the authority on weather—followed that same misguided path, eschewing the perpetual map briefings that turned them into a powerhouse to begin airing reality programs about pudgy beards, people anxiously ogling at rocks, and the foibles of a buncha rushin’, cussin’ truckers.

Though they weren’t the first cable network to stray away from the theme that’s in their very name, it seems that they’re going to be the first network to come back home to focus on what made them big to begin with.

Brian Stelter over at CNN reports that The Weather Channel is undergoing a “major shake-up” that involves show cancellations, a 3% layoff, and most importantly, a renewed focus on what they do best: the weather.

Wake Up On Your Own From Now On

Both Al Roker and Sam Champion have seen their morning shows cancelled** in the past week, with the last airings for each scheduled within the next month or two. Roker’s Wake Up With Al and Champion’s America’s Morning Headquarters were somewhat analogous to the morning shows you’d catch on the big networks, with weather forecasts and information interspersed with lifestyle/human interest stories.

**Correction: David Clark, President of The Weather Channel, informed me after the publication of this post that America’s Morning Headquarters is not cancelled. The show will continue in its morning slot without Sam Champion, who will go on to work in primetime and other roles.

Roker will likely remain associated with the network in some capacity in the future.

The cancellation of Wake Up With Al and Champion moving on from AMHQ isn’t too much of a surprise. Despite the fanfare that surrounded Champion’s March 2014 arrival from ABC, America’s Morning Headquarters has struggled to attract viewers for most of its run. Wake Up With Al lasted considerably longer—more than six years, in fact—but Roker’s popularity is so inextricably linked to his ongoing role at NBC’s Today Show that his star power never seemed to fully transfer over to his program on The Weather Channel.

The Shift

While most news stories will cover the fact that Sam Champion and Al Roker lost their shows, the biggest story buried in the news of the shake-up is that The Weather Channel plans to complete its shift back to a near-complete focus on the weather, a long-awaited move both in the weather community and among the general viewing public that just wants to know tomorrow’s forecast.

When the network began back in May 1982, the premise was simple: weather, whenever you want it. Whether you were on your lunch break or awake at 2:30 AM with heartburn, you could flip to The Weather Channel and see a friendly, familiar face both presenting and explaining the day’s weather forecast.

This formula worked for years, especially during the channel’s peak in the 1990s, when it was the best thing on television. The Weather Channel’s slow decline in popularity began as the internet rose, and when smartphones took off, the network was faced with its first “adapt or die” moment.

The television channel’s new direction was sealed in the late 2000s when NBC Universal—along with several venture capital firms—purchased The Weather Channel and shook things up. The network got rid of numerous on-camera meteorologists who had been there for decades in a mass firing mournfully referred to as “The Purge.” Many of the very men and women who built the network’s image and lent the company decades of integrity suddenly found themselves out of a career, either for financial reasons (you build up a good paycheck working in TV for 20+ years), or, though they’ll never admit it, simply because they wanted to bring in fresh (read: younger) faces.

That was just the beginning.

Scruffy Huffing Woodsfest

Weather Channel Ends Its Rumspringa, Decides It Wants to Focus on Weather After All

The battle for the soul of The Weather Channel comes down to the usual executive vs. editorial clash that any media company endures. Business Weather Channel naturally has different goals from Weather Weather Channel. The former is geared toward turning a profit, while the latter is expected to help deliver that profit by straddling a fine line to accurately and effectively relay weather information in a way that doesn’t make people fall asleep or turn off the TV.

How do they pay the bills and turn that profit? Reality programs. It’s a lose-lose situation—they hurt their credibility and anger longtime fans by airing shows like Scruffy Huffing Woodsfest over live weather coverage, but it makes more financial sense to tone down live weather coverage—with a shelf life of, say, two hours—in favor of reality programming, which has lower overall costs, attracts more eyes, and has the shelf life of a mythical Twinkie.

The Weather Channel’s first long-form program was Storm Stories, which was a pretty good fit for the network at the time. Over the next couple of years, they would add shows like Full Force Nature and It Could Happen Tomorrow before the sale to NBC Universal; both of these were good, weather-related programs that filled the gaps during slow weather days or when viewership was traditionally low.

In 2009, a year after NBC Universal took over the company, they made the decision to begin airing weather-themed movies on Friday nights, a shocking move at the time that was (correctly) called-out by viewers as a cheap ratings grab.

The movies didn’t last very long. During a severe weather outbreak on April 30, 2010, the network decided air a movie as scheduled instead of using the slot for live coverage of a tornado outbreak in the central United States. Understandably angered by this decision, Jim Cantore publicly and loudly criticized his own network for what was likely the first (and only) time since he started there in the 1980s.

The movies ended the following month, but the reality shows were just getting started.

Satellite Fight

The Weather Channel is acutely aware of how much longtime viewers are annoyed by the network’s devotion to reality programming, and if they weren’t before, DirecTV sure as hell made them aware of it.

The satellite carrier replaced The Weather Channel with Denver-based competitor WeatherNation for a couple of months back in 2014 during a carriage dispute over the amount of fees The Weather Channel demanded in order for their network to appear on DirecTV’s lineup.

In the year or two before its dispute, The Weather Channel seemed to devote an obscene amount of time to non-weather programming. DirecTV CEO Mike White directly referenced this everything-but-weather era as a major reason they were holding out on a contract renewal:

A growing number of customers have complained that The Weather Channel devotes 40% of its programming day to reality shows, preempting the hard weather news they really want. Why should you pay for 100% weather information, and only receive it 60% of the time?

The jabs between the two companies got worse from there.

After a long and ugly public relations battle, The Weather Channel ultimately relented, agreeing to halve the amount of time it devotes to weather-adjacent programming. The network now spends 62.5% of the weekday—15 out of 24 hours—airing weather programming, beginning with (for now) Wake Up With Al at 5:00 AM and ending with Weather Underground at 8:00 PM Eastern.

A New Era (?)

Weather Channel Ends Its Rumspringa, Decides It Wants to Focus on Weather After All

The first positive step The Weather Channel made on the long corrective arc back to its original focus was to hire Dr. Marshall Shepherd—former president of the American Meteorological Society and director of the atmospheric sciences department at the University of Georgia—to host a Sunday afternoon talk show called Weather Geeks, commonly stylized as WxGeeks.

WxGeeks is like the weather version of Tim Russert’s time at Meet the Press; it’s an incredible show that does its best to get deep into issues that affect the weather community and, subsequently, the global community at large. Over the past year, Dr. Shepherd and his dozens of guests have discussed topics like tornado sirens, the polar vortex, the role of social media in weather communication, and President Obama’s science agenda.

I say WxGeeks “does its best” to dive into these issues because the show limited to 30 minutes, which is more like 15 minutes when you account for several breaks for commercials and the Local on the 8s. That’s hardly enough time for introductions, let alone a serious, illuminating discussion on big topics of the day. The program needs to be expanded to 45 minutes (or, better yet, an hour) to really reach its full potential.

Just a couple of weeks ago, the network took another leap toward its renewed weather geek identity with the premiere of Weather Underground, or WUTV for short, a show named after the wildly popular weather observation/forecast website it obtained back in 2012.

The two-hour program stars meteorologists Mike Bettes and Sarah Dillingham, wunderground.com founder Dr. Jeff Masters, as well as a cadre of other experts and meteorologists employed by both the network and the website.

A replacement show for Wake Up With Al, as well as those time slots presumably to be vacated by reality programming, have yet to be announced.

[Top Image & FGitW: The Weather Company | Video: The Weather Channel | WxGeeks Photo: author | Corrected to reflect that AMHQ is not canceled, but it will continue without Sam Champion while he moves on to another role with TWC. | Edited to remove a sentence fragment missed on proofreading and to correct the spelling of Brian Stelter’s last name.]


Email: dennis.mersereau@gawker.com | Twitter: @wxdam

If you enjoy The Vane, then you’ll love my upcoming book, The Extreme Weather Survival Manual, which comes out on October 6 and is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

Fuck Your Apple Announcement Hype 

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Fuck Your Apple Announcement Hype 

In a post from a few days ago that could just have easily been written at any point over the past seven years, Mashable proclaimed that Apple might be working on a thinner iPhone. No shit. New things are better than old things. Upgrades are made with better parts and built to be more efficient. This will happen every. single. year.

Granted, as a former tech blogger myself I’m prone to an extra dose of disdain, but it’s also how I know that we’ve trapped ourselves in a toxic echo chamber in which tech writers are trained to see the words “Apple” or “iPhone” as a guaranteed set of clicks. Because, for the most part, it’s true. They’ve lived through enough Apple events by now to see what works; they’ve perfected their respective, traffic-guaranteed formulas. This is where we get such tried and true favorites as: Rumor roundups. How to stream today’s Apple event. Liveblogs. Why Apple didn’t announce that thing we thought they were going to announce. Why these are the best iPhones yet. Death—is it coming for you? Analysts say, yes!

Even today, with what was unequivocally an awful, boring announcement swollen with unnecessary fanfare, bloggers lost their shit. Ten minutes were spent demonstrating copy/paste on an iPad. Someone played an off-brand version of Frogger for another five. Tim Cook showed off features that Windows machines have been doing for years. Jony Ive narrated design videos that stretched on for days. And there was an entire section devoted to a goddamn stick.

And people (or at least, the tiny but loud coterie of people sent to chronicle Apple in its auditorium) couldn’t get enough. For every inane announcement, thunderous applause followed.

No one wants to pay $100 for a pencil. No one wants to rent a hotel on their TV. No one wants to buy clothing on their TV. And no one wants to use Siri—ever. In any capacity. And yet! Applause. Constant, incessant applause. And posts and tweets and think pieces and all of it meaningless because all of it has already been written year, after year, after year. Real, actual insight is, for the most part, dead.

Take this post, for instance, from ReCode. It asks, “Will the Apple iPhone 6s Flop or Fly?” The answer is, essentially, “no idea but I guess we’ll find out one day.”

Or this post from CNet whose overall take is “Apple wants to keep making money.”

Or this post from BGR that touts this newest update as the “best update yet.” Much like this post from Gizmodo (where, disclaimer, I used to work) that states: “The new iPhone 6S is probably going to look almost exactly like the iPhone 6, but it’ll be better.” Of course it will.

It is always going to be the best update yet. New phones are always going to be better than old phones. They will always be sharper, faster, shinier and it’s absurd of us to act delighted—surprised even—every time Tim Cook brings something on stage that isn’t an actual piece of human feces.

But judging by the response to the Apple Pencil, who’s to say that even literal shit wouldn’t be met with cheers.


Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com. Original image via HahaBird.

A Layman's Guide To The New iPhones, And Apple's Other New Crap

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A Layman's Guide To The New iPhones, And Apple's Other New Crap

Earlier today, Apple Inc., a failing novelty-watch interest based in California, announced a new range of products. You can claw through technical explanations of the tick-tock of every little thing, but this is a guide for everything normal people actually need to know.

New iPhones

They’re called the iPhone 6S and iPhone 6S Plus, and I swear to God, these glorious dickheads put up a slide that read, “The only thing that’s changed is everything.” That’s fucking insane. It’s a new iPhone. It’s a new S iPhone! It’s the exact same phone!!! It’s a little better and faster—Apple says this chip is 70 percent faster, which, sure?—and the camera is a little better, but it’s the same phone as last year, just a little better in the ways phones get better every year. Your phone from two years ago is still perfectly fine, unless you broke it.

The one truly new thing about this year’s model is something called 3D Touch. Basically, your iPhone is pressure-sensitive now, and has buzzy feedback, and vibrates on your fingers. (This isn’t exactly new, since it’s already in Apple Watch more or less, but that only means you haven’t seen it in person, because Apple Watch is hilarious garbage and no one wants one.) Some of the gestures, like pressing hard and swiping to switch apps, seem genuinely convenient, though, so you’ll probably use this a lot.

A Layman's Guide To The New iPhones, And Apple's Other New Crap

There’s another sorta-new thing called Live Photo that lets you take video (shut up, nerds, it’s compressed video) while you take a picture, and when you press down on the picture, it plays the video you took. It’s literally that joke where you say you’re taking a picture but take a video instead and humiliate your friends. This is marginally cool and also a tremendous waste of dozens of engineers’ time and something you’ll maybe use now and then, but probably not. Also, Windows Phone has had this for years, but no one cares, because what is Windows Phone? (The unexplained proliferation of Nokia phones was the single most unbelievable part of Mission: Impossible — Rogue Nation, a movie where Tom Cruise fights a jet engine in a secret underwater lair.)

But seriously, your phone is fine. If your phone works, it’s a good phone, and an artifact of the miracle of our time. The iPhone 5S especially is still fine, because it was built with a 64-bit chip, and that will allow it to stay on par for a while still. I’m not going to tell you how to spend your money, but the 6S and 6S Plus (remember: Apple phones now come in HUGE and EVEN FUCKING HUGER) are fractional updates, at a time when buying a new phone is costlier than ever. Speaking of which:

Holy shit, they cost HOW MUCH?

Right, see, it’s possible you didn’t know this, but iPhones have always cost around $600. But from the very first models, iPhones have been subsidized by your carrier, meaning you’ve probably been paying $200 or $300 for years. This year, carriers are killing those programs off, which is easily the most important thing for you to know about today/whenever you buy a new phone.

Instead, you’re now paying for your phone at full freight, over a 24-month installment plan on top of your monthly phone bill. Here’s a Lifehacker post about this, but the short version is financing your phone is not worth it, and you actually can’t afford it if you can’t afford to buy the phone at full cost up front.

http://lifehacker.com/every-carriers...

There’s also a new iPhone Upgrade program, where you get a new unlocked iPhone every year, along with AppleCare+, for $32 a month. This is $768 over two years, so it’s not THAT MUCH different from the cost of buying your own phone once every two years. But remember: The best way to change phones is actually buying a brand-new phone each year and then selling it the year after. As long as you don’t completely destroy it, you should be able to sell a year-old iPhone easily. Or, you can BUY a year-old iPhone from some inadequate dogfucker who has to have a new fucking iPhone every year. It’s a self-sustaining ecosystem.

Siri

Still ass.

What in God’s name is an “iPad Pro”?

Excellent question. It is HILARIOUS. It is a Microsoft Surface. It is not a laptop and doesn’t work like one. It’s a 12.9-inch iPad that costs anywhere from $1,000 to $1,350 (LOL). It’s fucking gigantic. Look at this shit:

This is what gets me: The iPad Air is a perfect gadget, and probably the most revelatory piece of consumer technology since the iPhone 4. It’s a fully realized idea. The Surface is fucking garbage: I used three generations of those things for months and months. It’s just a bad experience, and the people who like it are mutants (or, fine, enthusiasts, cheap-asses, or members of a narrow set of professions to whom this sort of thing appeals, like Mutant Doctor). I have no idea why you’d try to marry the two, outside of blithe cowing to other people’s dumbass ideas. It is profoundly dumb. They will sell 500 million of these.

And there’s more! Specifically, this isn’t a Microsoft Surface Pro clone ... it’s a Surface Rt clone. Meaning, it runs iOS and not OS X, and the only “desktop” processes you can do on it are the ones with a dedicated and optimized iOS app. Right now, that includes SPREADSHEETS with Microsoft Office and Photoshop, both of which are fine, but like, okay, whatever? The actual prices run $800, $950, and $1080, with the stylus at $100 and the keyboard at $170. The Kindle DX is down to $250.

http://www.amazon.com/Kindle-DX-Wire...

Some more specifics: The width is the same as the height of a regular iPad, meaning that Split View (two apps at once) and other random junk will work fine, probably. It’s got better speakers, which is the least impressive thing anyone has ever bragged about, because iPad speakers have been uniformly dogshit, always. And it has an A9x chip that Apple calls “desktop class” and which it says is “faster than 80 percent of portable PCs shipped last year.” Don’t believe this. It will run fine with iOS, because iOS is a relatively stable platform, but mobile chips are still leagues away from being comparable to good desktop chips.

As to the “Pro” in the name, it’s ... inconclusive who this is for. For context, remember that technology like what you’ll find in a Wacom Cintiq isn’t just about the stylus—it’s about the embedded tech in the screen, and the best also have proprietary software that allows the two to communicate. Those are professional-grade tools. We don’t have specs on what specifically is in this thing, though it’s probably a safe bet that if Apple had this tech (or a license for it), it would be bragging about it instead of giving a five-minute presentation about a deep-industry medical-records app. (Next year at WWDC: LIVE AIR-TRAFFIC-CONTROL SEMINAR!!!) I guess wait for the reviews, but don’t just run out and buy this as your primary illustration thingy.

Apple Pencil

Anyway, along with the iPad HODOR, Apple also made an APPLE PENCIL. Just look at this shit:

Obviously, this is prima facie hilarious. And yes, every single day, modern Apple whips another dong into the face of Steve Jobs’s principles of interface. (“If you see a stylus, they blew it.”) But for a minute, just stop and take in the scene of these morons reverse-engineering a pencil and paper, and getting something that costs $1,300 and very likely works only barely.

Apple Event White-Dude Count (Rough Notes)

  • 1 tim
  • 2 watch bro
  • 4 watch app bros
  • 5 cold killer phil schiller
  • 6 microsoft bro (with asian boy in a non-speaking role)
  • 7 adobe bro
  • YO A WHITE LADY! british(ish?) medical app lady
  • 8 eddie and his terrible shirt
  • a TV apps lady who came out to demo screensavers........
  • aussie asian app bro who just copied Frogger with a chicken (and his non-speaking white servant [8.5?])
  • 10 white app bro who copied Wii Baseball and his other bro
  • GOT A LADY HERE TO TALK SHOPPING
  • 11 a sports app bro who tucked his shirt in wrong
  • 12 iphone bro
  • 14 WARHAMMER 40k BRO + lackey

In other iPad news...

Oh, also, the iPad Mini “2” is now $270. That’s not a bad deal. It’s fine. It has that 64-bit A7 chip we talked about earlier. Why does the new one cost 400 dollars? Christ alive.

Anything else, shitbirds?

Your TV gets apps now. That’s it. These motherfuckers actually put up a slide that just said, “The future of TV is apps.” Specifically, Apple is opening up its Apple TV stream box to developers. Apple TV is good. It does its job, which is streaming videos to your TV. The apps (and new OS) will do other stuff, like search Netflix, Hulu, HBO, and Showtime all at once, which is genuinely useful and an exciting new task for Siri to fuck up.

A Layman's Guide To The New iPhones, And Apple's Other New Crap

The TV has some games, which you play on the tiny little remote. It’s probably fine. You probably won’t use it for that. Or maybe you will, and that’s fine. But probably not. (You can get universal apps that work on your phone, tablet, and TV, and which you only have to buy once, which is nice, I guess. I can already tell you, though, that Square is going to charge $900 for the iOS TV version of every Final Fantasy you love.) MLB has an app. It looks fine. If you have a ton of Apple shit and like your Apple TV and need another one for a different TV, this is fine. Or you can get a regular Apple TV for $70. The new one costs $150 or $200.

The Apple Watch

The Apple Watch now comes in rose gold and has a fall lineup of bands.

No School in Seattle: Striking Teachers Refuse to Swallow District's Bullshit

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No School in Seattle: Striking Teachers Refuse to Swallow District's Bullshit

School was scheduled to start Wednesday for more than 50,000 Seattle students, but they’re all staying home or heading back to day camps because Seattle Public Schools has asked teachers to work longer hours, with less recess, for a minimal increase in pay. The teachers, who have gone six years without even a cost-of-living increase, are not having it. They’re on strike for the first time in 30 years.

Here are around 2,000 members of the 5,000-member teachers’ union, the Seattle Education Association, voting unanimously in favor of the walkout last week:

The conflict between the underpaid teachers and the underfunded district was set in motion three years ago, when Washington State’s Supreme Court called out the state legislature for failing to provide “ample, stable, and dependable” funding for basic K-12 education, as constitutionally required.

Because Washington has no state income tax, its school districts—including Seattle—rely on voters to approve special local levies for education, which happen so often that calling them “special” is a joke. The state Supreme Court found that system—which is overreliant on local property values and the whims of voters—unconstitutional.

Since then, the legislature—with a Republican-controlled Senate and a Democrat-controlled house—has failed to provide a stable alternative system. The court held the state in contempt in August, and is now fining it $100,000 a day. (For a more detailed look at why this whole fiasco is the legislature’s fault, I’d refer you to Jen Graves in Seattle alt-weekly The Stranger.)

This puts the Seattle School District in the awkward position of making the teachers’ union an offer that’s almost three times lower than what they’re asking for: the teachers wanted $172 million, and they were offered $62 million late Sunday night.

“We didn’t think it was a serious proposal,” SEA bargaining chair Phyllis Campano told the Seattle Times.

The teachers’ other demands include 30 minutes of recess for every elementary school student (the district only wanted 15), and a 16.8 percent pay increase over the next two years (the district offered 10 percent, and that’s including the long-awaiting cost-of-living increase).

They also opposed the district’s mandate to add 30 minutes of instructional time to the school day, starting in 2017. They say it’s a demand for more work without an offer of additional pay.

And any money teachers can get is extremely important, because over the past six years they’ve spent not getting cost-of-living raises, the average rent in Seattle has shot up by around 50 percent.

According to a memo released Monday, the district is threatening to sue the teachers to stop the strike. The Seattle School Board voted 5-1 Tuesday night to allow the superintendent to take legal action. Similar lawsuits have already been filed against other districts around the state.

When will school start? Nobody knows. The teachers need more money, but the district doesn’t have much money to give because of state legislators. Meanwhile, it took a court order to stop a bunch of billionaires (including Bill Gates and the parents of Jeff Bezos) from channeling the state’s already strapped education budget toward privately controlled charter schools.

The entire system is busted as hell.

[Photo: AP Images]

Reporter Claims He Was Fired for Asking Louisiana Senator David Vitter About His History With Prostitutes

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Reporter Claims He Was Fired for Asking Louisiana Senator David Vitter About His History With Prostitutes

Derek Myers, a television reporter with NBC affiliate WVLA in Baton Rouge, was fired from the network Tuesday after asking U.S. Senator and Louisiana gubernatorial candidate David Vitter about his admitted history of patronizing prostitutes. Myers believes that he was terminated because Vitter’s campaign threatened to pull $250,000 in advertising from WVLA over the confrontation.

Tuesday morning, Myers confronted Vitter in the parking lot of the Louisiana Secretary of State’s office after Vitter officially declared his candidacy for governor, the Louisiana Advocate reports, asking the senator whether he still continues to visit prostitutes. Vitter did not answer his question.

http://gawker.com/5937761/why-wa...

Myers told Gawker that a coworker at WVLA informed him of a conversation that he or she overheard between the station’s news director and its vice president of news later that day, during which the threat of pulled campaign advertising was allegedly discussed. After it was stated that the station’s general manager should personally apologize to the Vitter campaign for Myers’ questions, “It was said that David Vitter pulled his advertising dollars, or someone from David Vitter’s office called about ad dollars,” Myers said. He declined to name the coworker who informed him about the alleged conversation.

Luke Bolar, a spokesman for Vitter’s gubernatorial campaign, told the Advocate that the campaign did not raise the issue of pulling its advertising, calling Myers’ claim “1,000 percent false.” WVLA general manager Jim Baronet also told the Advocate that the campaign did not contact the station about advertising but declined to comment on the reasons for Myers’s termination, citing company policy. Representatives of WVLA and the Vitter campaign did not immediately respond to Gawker’s requests for comment.

Bolar alleged to the Advocate that Myers pushed a campaign volunteer during the exchange with Vitter, perhaps implying that the alleged violence may have been a cause of his firing. Myers denied this to Gawker. “Vitter’s people had accused us of assault—which obviously is not true,” he said. Myers claims that he and the station are in possession of a video of the confrontation that would exonerate him of any assault allegations, but that the station gave him “an unofficial cease-and-desist letter” instructing him not to publicize it.

Vitter, a Republican, was implicated in the “D.C. Madam” scandal in 2007 after the alleged prostitution ringleader Deborah Palfrey named him as a client. “This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible,” Vitter said in a statement at the time. He is currently among the frontrunners to succeed Bobby Jindal as Louisiana governor when the state holds its gubernatorial election in October.

We’ll update if and when we hear from WVLA or the Vitter campaign.


Photo via AP. Contact the author at andy@gawker.com.


At the end of the day, our impossible Apple quiz seems to have proven there’s no way to tell the dif

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At the end of the day, our impossible Apple quiz seems to have proven there’s no way to tell the difference between the iPhone hype of 2015 and the iPhone hype of 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, or 2014. And that three of you are dirty cheaters. Here are the results.

http://gawker.com/impossible-qui...

  • 90-100% 3 people
  • 80-89% 0 people
  • 70-79% 1 person
  • 60-69% 6 people
  • 50-59% 35 people
  • 0-49% 2,079 people

New Jersey Woman Admits to Administering Fatal Dick Injection

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New Jersey Woman Admits to Administering Fatal Dick Injection

This week, an unlicensed cosmetic surgeon pled guilty to reckless manslaughter for injecting silicone into a New Jersey man’s penis, killing him, the Associated Press reports.

As part of her plea deal, prosecutors agreed to drop additional charges related to illegal breast and buttock injections she allegedly administered while awaiting trial.

According to police, Kasia Rivera, 38, performed the botched penis enlargement procedure on 22-year-old Justin Street in her home on May 6, 2011. From NJ.com:

The injection shot directly into Street’s bloodstream, shutting down his organs, and he died as a result the following day, authorities said.

A medical examiner later determined Street died from a silicone embolism, and his death was ruled a homicide, authorities said.

Answering questions from her attorney, Olubukola Adetula, Rivera on Tuesday acknowledged she was not trained as a medical doctor and she was neither trained nor licensed to administer the silicone injection.

“You injected the silicone into his penis?” an Essex County prosecutor reportedly asked Rivera in court on Tuesday.

“Yes,” she replied.

In exchange for her guilty plea, prosecutors recommended a five-year prison sentence for Rivera, who, as a native of Jamaica, also faces possible deportation. Her sentencing is scheduled for October 19.

[Image via Essex County Prosecutors Office//h/t NY Daily News]

Three Children Found Fatally Stabbed in Car Outside LA Elementary School

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Three Children Found Fatally Stabbed in Car Outside LA Elementary School

On Wednesday, three brothers ranging in age from 8 to 12 were found stabbed to death in the backseat of an SUV near a South Los Angeles elementary school, KTLA reports.

According to the station, authorities say the boys’ father—who was discovered stabbed but alive in the front seat of the vehicle—is their only suspect. He is currently hospitalized in stable condition.

Police say they responded to the scene after receiving a report of assault with a deadly weapon at around 7:15 a.m. From KABC:

John Sorrentino, whose furniture store is next to the crime scene, said he was the one who first spotted the bloody scene and called 911.

“I noticed a guy was all bloody as I walked up to the car. As I approached a little bit closer, I noticed a young boy on a passenger side rear seat crouched against the door, blood all over him, and his eyes were half open, and I looked to see if there was any kind of beat on his chest and there was nothing,” he said. “I yelled at the guy and he was breathing, but gasping. It didn’t look like an attack on him. Doors were closed. He had a box cutter.”

Sorrentino said he then saw another boy bent over a seat, and in the back, a leg of the third boy lying upright. That’s when he ran inside his store and called 911.

“These are horrific incidents,” said Los Angeles Police Chief Charlie Beck. “These are incidents that have scarred not only a community but the first responders that have to handle them.”

[Image via KABC]

Michael Stipe to Donald Trump, Other Candidates Using Band's Music: "Go Fuck Yourselves"

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Michael Stipe to Donald Trump, Other Candidates Using Band's Music: "Go Fuck Yourselves"

Judging by their use of “It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” at a Tea Party rally today, Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are huge fans of seminal alt-rockers R.E.M. Unfortunately for them, the feeling isn’t mutual.

“Go fuck yourselves, the lot of you—you sad, attention grabbing, power hungry little men,” said R.E.M. frontman Michael Stipe via Twitter on Wednesday. “Do not use our music or my voice for your moronic charade of a campaign.”

On Facebook, however, the band released a far less profane (and far more boring) official statement reminding fans that none of this stuff matters when one of these maniacs could actually become President:

While we do not authorize or condone the use of our music at this political event, and do ask that these candidates cease and desist from doing so, let us remember that there are things of greater importance at stake here. The media and the American voter should focus on the bigger picture, and not allow grandstanding politicians to distract us from the pressing issues of the day and of the current Presidential campaign.

R.E.M., of course, is only the latest group to object to their music being hijacked for tone-deaf political purposes. Just yesterday, Survivor slammed Kim Davis for using “Eye of the Tiger” as her walkout song and in June, Neil Young asked Trump to please stop rockin’ in the free world.

However, the saddest example (by far) is Bruce Springsteen superfan Chris Christie, whose history of getting shit on by his idol apparently dates back to the Clinton administration.

[Image via Getty Images//h/t The Hollywood Reporter]

Cops: Texas Woman Charged With Unlawful Carry After Hiding Loaded Gun in Vagina

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Cops: Texas Woman Charged With Unlawful Carry After Hiding Loaded Gun in Vagina

A suspected drug dealer was charged with unlawfully carrying a weapon this week after police allegedly found a fully-loaded .22 caliber handgun in her vagina, USA Today reports.

31-year-old Ashley Cecilia Castaneda was arrested during a traffic stop in Waco, Texas on Monday after authorities say they found 29.5 grams of meth and a scale in her purse. According to police, however, Castaneda soon revealed she was still holding. From KCEN-TV:

During Castaneda’s transport to the jail she told the officer that she had concealed a handgun inside her vagina. Officers immediately stopped and a female officer searched Castaneda discovering she had in fact placed a loaded Smith and Wesson pistol inside her body cavity. The weapon had a round chambered and a full magazine of bullets.

“People have asked us, ‘Why are you even telling us this?’” a police spokesperson told the Waco Tribune-Herald. “The reason is because we want people to know this truly does happen. That was an extremely dangerous situation for everyone involved.”

In addition to unlawful carry, Castaneda has been charged with two counts of possession of a dangerous drug and one count of delivery of a controlled substance in a drug-free zone, KWTX reports.

[Images via Waco Police Department//h/t Breaking 911]

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