Buzz Bissinger is having a sexual midlife crisis. The Pulitzer Prize-winning author of Friday Night Lights stopped having sex with his wife "several years ago," he writes, and "began to wonder about sex and sexuality and where exactly I fit in in the complex spectrum." He started experimenting with sex with men, in being a "dominant leather master," in cross-dressing, in sex clubs. And he spent $600,000 on clothes that make him look like a Russian music producer.

All this is told in a 6,500-word cry for help in the new issue of GQ, if you want to give your brow-furrowing muscles some exercise. Remember when Bissinger endorsed Mitt Romney last year? "This is our country, not our country club." Heh.

First things first: The shopping addiction stuff is not an April Fools joke ("SERIOUSLY: NO," a GQ staffer wrote back when I asked if it were). Bissinger was observed dressing like a member of a Velvet Revolver cover band ("metal-studded leather jacket, brown cowboy boots, and hoop earring") by EW's Rob Brunner last year, and Philly's CBS affiliate has a whole photo gallery of Bissinger wearing entire cows worth of leather.

So we can take it at face value when he writes:

The most expensive leather jacket I own, a Gucci ostrich skin, cost $13,900. The most expensive evening jacket I own, also from Gucci, black napa leather with gold threading, cost $9,800. The most expensive leather pants, $5,600. The most expensive jeans, $2,500. The most expensive pair of boots, $2,600. The most expensive pair of gloves, $1,015. Gucci by far makes up the highest percentage of my collection. [...]

I own forty-three pieces of Gucci—twelve leather jackets, six evening jackets, five pairs of pants, six pairs of boots, four shirts, seven pairs of gloves, and three scarves. I own items from Acne, Affliction, Alexander McQueen, Alexander Wang, Balmain, Band of Outsiders, Belstaff, Bottega Veneta, Brooks Brothers, Burberry, Chanel, Charles David, Diane von Furstenberg, Helmut Lang, Ines, Jan Hilmer, J.Crew, Jimmy Choo, Jitrois, Jos. A. Bank, Joseph, Junker Designs, Loewe, Lucchese, Marc Jacobs, Mr. S Leather, Nike, Northbound Leather, Prada, Rag & Bone, Ralph Lauren, Roberto Cavalli, Saint Laurent, 7 For All Mankind, Thomas Wylde, Valentino, Versace, and Wesco.

The presence of a couple interesting designers aside, we might note that Bissinger has terrible taste. Unsurprisingly for a lumpy middle-aged guy over-concerned with projecting masculinity, he spent most of his money in that hideous but profitable corner of the fashion industry that consists of clothing appealing exclusively to oligarchs and people who are looking for pieces just a notch more subtle than a sandwichboard that says "I AM A RICH ASSHOLE." This is probably why an article about men's fashion in a men's fashion magazine is accompanied by a single cell-phone photograph of its subject, instead of by an entire spread. (Also, "I spend half a million on Savile Row suits" is not nearly as interesting a personal essay.)

But, okay. Regardless of his taste, by the obscene standards of our age, for a rich person who cares deeply about fashion, $200,000 is not an out-of-ordinary per-year figure. Two Hermès crocodile shirts will get you there. Daphne Guinness probably spends that in a month. Bissinger is never is danger of bankrupting himself, and seems at worst to have had to sell some of his stocks to pay for his clothes. So what, exactly, is the deal? Why is this different from any other successful person who spends a significant portion of his income on luxuries?

The deal is that Buzz is trying to figure his shit out, and spending money on clothes is helping him:

I did engage in a relationship with a dominatrix after the failure of my second marriage. I left the scene after two years. But I clearly missed it, the trappings of leather increasingly irresistible. I liked extreme feelings of restraint and taking pain. But I was also interested in everything. [...]

Was I homosexual because so much of what I wore is associated with gays? I did experiment. And while I don't think it is my sexual being, I can tell you that gay men as a group are nicer, smarter, have a shitload more fun than straight whites. Was I veering toward becoming a dominant leather master in the S&M scene, the leather fetish an obvious influence in most of the clothing I purchased and in much of high fashion itself? I did experiment. Was I a closeted or maybe not so closeted transvestite? Tom Ford makeup is divine; the right foundation and cheek blush and eyeliner and lipstick can do wonders for the pallid complexion. [...]

I also went to Hong Kong and Macao with some friends. We went to sex clubs, many, many sex clubs with many, many women. We became tired. Four days seemed like four years.

Conspicuous consumption is, as always, a good reminder of the ineluctable inequities of market capitalism, and in a just revolutionary state Bissinger and his ilk would be executed. But the sex stuff? You do you, Buzz. We wish your best on your continuing voyage of self-discovery.

[GQ, images via CBS Philadelphia]

Was this young lady drunk? Temporarily deranged? Did she lose a bet? Was the tattoo artist best friends with an ex-boyfriend on whom she cheated numerous times?

These are just some of the theories being floated to explain how someone might end up with what is believed to be a drawing inspired by a zoophilic hentai comic strip permanently inscribed on their skin.

Sadly, the image comes with next to no context, outside of place of origin — Facebook — leaving well open the potential that it isn't as irreversible as it seems.

While we await confirmation (or its much less entertaining cousin, refutation), let speculation reign. And if you have this (alleged) bad tat beat, go ahead and share that too.

[H/T: HyperVocal, photo via Reddit]

The hottest ticket in DC today was a seat in the Supreme Court, where the justices heard oral arguments in the first of two days of hearings concerning same-sex marriage. The first case up was Hollingsworth v. Perry, better known as California's Proposition 8. Entitled director Rob Reiner was the first person in the public line to watch the arguments this morning, due to the fact that he paid someone to wait for him. ("He declined to talk about that aspect," reported the Huffington Post.) The rest of us schmoes, including cabals of protesters who had come to Washington to support or attack gay marriage, had to wait outside as news slowly trickled from the inner depths of the SCOTUS, where cameras and electronic equipment are banished.

The arguments wrapped up at around 11:45 AM EST. Here is the most important information we've got thus far, based largely on tweets from reporters who were taking notes during the proceedings.

Justice Kennedy suggested that the thousands of children being raised by same-sex couples in California were negatively impacted by the marriage ban.

Scalia added that "there is no answer to that scientific question," seemingly ignorant of the fact that just last week the American Academy of Pediatrics came out in support of same-sex marriage, citing studies showing that children are not disadvantaged by gay parents.

The Wall Street Journal reports that Chief Justice John Roberts allowed Charles Cooper, the attorney representing Prop. 8's defenders, to get only briefly into his support of traditional marriage before interrupting him and asking him to explain whether his clients even had "standing" to defend upholding Prop. 8.

Chief Justice Roberts questioned whether Mr. Cooper's clients were any different from any other citizens of California to be able to defend Prop 8, when the state's elected officials refused to do so. Mr. Cooper argued that the California Supreme Court had argued that the citizens had a vital interest to have the law defended and had agreed his clients could do so, since the state was refusing to defend the initiative approved by voters.

Roberts reportedly told Cooper, "I don't think we've ever allowed anything like that."

At one point, Cooper attempted to make the case that gay couples do not advance the state's interest in procreation and child-rearing, leading Justices Breyer, Kagan, and Ginsburg to question whether that were a factual argument.

If those features of the oral argument hold up—and I think they will—then the Court's ruling will take one of two forms. First, a majority (the Chief Justice plus the liberal members of the Court) could decide that the petitioners lack standing. That would vacate the Ninth Circuit's decision but leave in place the district court decision invalidating Proposition 8. Another case with different petitioners (perhaps a government official who did not want to administer a same-sex marriage) could come to the Supreme Court within two to three years, if the Justices were willing to hear it.

Second, the Court may dismiss the case because of an inability to reach a majority. Justice Kennedy takes that view, and Justice Sotomayor indicated that she might join him. Others on the left may agree. That ruling would leave in place the Ninth Circuit's decision.

Either scenario would be a slight victory for same-sex marriage proponents, but nothing too dramatic. The very significant ruling could come in tomorrow's DOMA arguments.

Here is audio of today's arguments, and below is the full transcript.

During an interview with British radio station Xfm, actor/singer/heartthrob Jared Leto was asked about some of the weirder gifts he's received from fans over the years.

Without batting an earlobe, Leto went on to recount the time he was gifted a severed ear by one of 30 Seconds to Mars' more "committed and passionate" fans.

"Someone cut their ear off once and sent it to me, that was very strange," the 41-year-old told Xfm's Phil Clifton.

"The Van Gogh move," Leto continued. "The note just said, 'Are you listening?'. I never knew who it was, who's missing their ear out there."

Xfm figured Leto was joking, and even said as much. Leto certainly wasn't helping his case by claiming he poked a hole in the ear "and wore it as a necklace."

But a few days later, with cries of shenanigans mounting, Leto decided to let his fans have it.

Literally: He posted a photo of the alleged ear to his Instagram account, along with the all-caps caption, "ARE YOU LISTENING?"

Some fans still think they're being played, with several noting that the bloody auricle bears a striking resemblance to a popular severed ear prop or could easily have been fashioned out of some paraffin wax and a strong desire to freak people out.

The last of which, Leto clearly has in abundance.

[photo via Getty, screengrab via Instagram]

Every December, the Swedish Language Council (a government-funded group that regulates the Swedish language) releases a list of new words that have entered everyday speech but do not appear in any dictionary.

Last year, the list included words like emoji, referring to the picture emoticons, and kramtjuv, translated as "hug thief," meaning a pickpocket who hugs a person in order to mug them.

It also included the word ogooglebar the Swedish equivalent of "ungoogleable."

The Council defined the "ungoogleable" as something "that cannot be found on the Web with a search engine."

Google didn't like that.

Google wanted the definition to be amended to, roughly: something that cannot be found on the Web with the search engine Google, a registered trademark of Google, Inc., although how could something ever not be found via Google™, Google® can find anything; for more information, Google© "Google™," a copyright of Google®.

In addition to requesting that the definition of ogooglebar be amended to refer to Google searches specifically, the company also demanded that the Swedish Language Council add a disclaimer to the bottom of their little word list PDF explaining that "Google" is a registered trademark.

So the Swedish Language Council was like "fuck that," and deleted the word from their list entirely. Like ogooglebar never happened.

In a statement on the organization's website, council head Ann Cederberg wrote that the Counil had "neither the time nor the inclination to pursue" a lengthy court battle with Google, which contacted her via email in December shortly after the list went public, citing brand infringement.

She added that "ungoogleable" would continue to exist unofficially in Swedish with whatever meaning people wanted it to have because "language development doesn't care about brand protection."

It's important to remember here that the annual new word list is a fun December timekiller designed to give people something to talk about during the end-of-the-year news drought. So, while Google does have a right to defend their brand, this freakout is sort of like taking a "#1 Dad" mug way too seriously; like Michael Jackson pulling a decoration off his birthday cake and calling it "the Artist of the Millennium award." The list not a legally binding official thing.

According to the Telegraph, a spokesman for Google responded to the Council's statement with the following:

While Google, like many businesses, takes routine steps to protect our trademark, we are pleased that users connect the Google name with great search results.

Also with being dicks.

[Telegraph // Image via Google]

Your annual update on The Decline And Fall of the Soda Empire: American soda (meaning "Coke," for people who talk regular) consumption was down by 1.2% in 2012—AFTER BEING DOWN BY 1% THE YEAR BEFORE THAT ALSO. Sales of carbonated sugar water have been declining each year since 2005.

Is soda losing the Soda War on Humans? At times like these, one is tempted to say to oneself, "How senseless is everything that can ever be written, done, or thought, when such things are possible. It must be all lies and of no account when the culture of a thousand years could not prevent this stream of soda being poured out." And yet we would hasten to remind you, friends, of the wise man that sayeth, "A man's country is not a certain area of land, of mountains, rivers, and woods, but it is a soda; and patriotism is loyalty to that soda."

Dwell not upon the fact that soda consumption has fallen to 1996 levels. Instead, take heart in the righteous mantra: "There is no flag large enough to cover the shame of killing innocent Diet Mtn Dew."

[Ad Age. Photo: quinn.anya/ Flickr]

Angry jellybean Justin Bieber is being investigated for battery after a neighbor told police the popstar got physical with him during an argument Tuesday morning, according to TMZ.

The website claims that the altercation took place just after 9 a.m. and "was intense." Bieber's neighbor allegedly came onto the singer's property to complain that people had been hosting loud parties in Bieber's house while Justin was away on tour, slowly losing his mind.

The L.A. County Sheriff's department confirmed that the neighbor told police Bieber made physical contact with him, and also threatened him.

TMZ's "sources" say that Justin merely told the man to leave his property, and that his security team escorted the man away.

Yesterday, Bieber was photographed walking through a Polish airport shirtless for no reason, a classic indicator that someone is all keyed up for a fight.

UPDATE: TMZ now says that other "neighborhood sources" are claiming the argument took place because Bieber was racing his new Ferrari around the block this morning. (The original neighbor allegedly went over to confront him about the noise of the car, and the questionable safety of zooming a Ferrari down residential streets.)

[TMZ // Image via Getty]

Last month Esquire reporter Phil Bronstein scored a major scoop: An exclusive story about the "man who shot and killed bin Laden." The piece was a powerfully written profile of the anonymous member of SEAL Team 6, now retired and struggling to make ends meet while dealing with the psychological and physical scars of war. But problems with the story's claim that "The Shooter" had no access to health care arose almost immediately. Now it seems the core of the story is wrong as well.

CNN national security analyst Peter Bergen reports that a member of SEAL Team 6 disputes The Shooter's account of the raid, as reported by Bronstein. The shooter exaggerated his own role and heroism, according to the SEAL. Others are alleging the Shooter is profiting off his bogus story.

The dramatic story of Osama bin Laden's last moments that the Shooter told Esquire went like this: The Shooter was right behind the "point man" as the two climbed the stairs to the top floor of Osama bin Laden's compound that night. Bin Laden poked his head out of the bedroom at the top of the stairs. The point man shot and either missed or lightly wounded bin Laden. Then the point man peeled off to tackle a couple of women in the hallway whom he believed were armed with suicide vests. So the Shooter ran alone into the bedroom where he found bin Laden standing behind one of his wives, perhaps using her as a human shield, with a gun within reach. The shooter then shot him twice in the forehead and killed him.

But that story is "complete B.S." a member of SEAL Team 6 also on the raid told CNN. The real story, according to the SEAL was this: The point man successfully shot bin Laden in the head when he poked his head out, gravely wounding him, then tackled the women. When the other SEALs came into the bedroom, bin Laden was already on the ground, basically dead, and the SEALS finished him off with shots to the chest. He was not within reach of a gun, because the guns were only found in the bedroom after extensive searching. So the shooter certainly could have shot bin Laden, but if he did, he was already lying on the ground and completely harmless. It's a less heroic scenario, as CNN points out, and matches up with the account of Matt Bissonette, the third SEAL to reach the top floor of the compound. Bissonette recounted the raid in a bestselling first-hand account No Easy Day using the pseudonym Mark Owen.

Rumors had already been swirling that Esquire had been had. CNN's story comes a few days after the military blogger and former Navy SEAL Brandon Webb said Esquire had been duped by The Shooter in a post on his blog, The Special Operations Forces Situation Report (SOFREP). Citing anonymous SEAL operators, Webb wrote "Sorry to rain on your parade, Phil, but your guy is not the actual shooter."

But in addition to alleging the details of the raid was false, Webb also raises the intriguing possibility that The Shooter has been benefiting financially off his self-anointed, and apparently false, role as OBL's assassin.

Phil Bronstein, who heads the Center for Investigative Reporting, portrayed The Shooter in Esquire as a humble and struggling warrior. Unlike Mark Bissonette, The Shooter wasn't out to cash in on the raid. "There is commerce attached to the mission, and people are capitalizing," wrote Bronstein. "Just not the triggerman."

But according to SOFREP's sources, the Shooter has not completely exempted himself from a payday. He's "off cashing large checks from unsuspecting donors who bought the Esquire pity piece." How he might have connected with those donors is unclear. But the Shooter is also "very active on the public speaking circuit," despite the concerns for his personal safety voiced in the Esquire piece, according to SOFREP. Both SOFREP and CNN say that The Shooter was booted off an exclusive SEAL Team for bragging at bars that he was the guy who killed bin Laden.

SOFREP offers no proof, but they are a generally reliable source and many of the details floated in their post appear to be confirmed by CNN's reporting. So is the heroic but humble Shooter of Bronstein's piece actually an opportunistic liar? We'll see, but for now the Esquire story appears to have been too good to be true.

Update: Esquire says in a statement that they stand by their story.

The Esquire article, The Shooter: The Man Who Killed Osama Bin Laden, in the March 2013 issue, is based on information  from numerous sources, including members of Seal Team 6 and the Shooter himself, as well as detailed descriptions of mission debriefs.  We stand by our story.

Everybody knows the rules of binge drinking and bro-habitating: When you pass out anywhere beside your bed after a night of beer bongs and body shots and yelling at sports, you are fair game for a variety of pranks. You may wake up surrounded by stupidly placed bananas, or with cigarettes up your nose, or bearing a crude map of pee-pees all over your forehead. This is just the way it is.

If you don't agree to these wildly immature tenets of roommate juvenilia, you have many other choices. You can find a place alone, you can refrain from allowing yourself to get blind drunk, you can maintain a relationship with a significant other who won't allow others to decorate your skin with wangs, or you can Grow Up.

The rules are all very easy and straightforward and as a bro-habitator, you accept their implications. That is, unless you are the Shittiest Roommate Ever.

The Shittiest Roommate Ever is James Denham Watson, a 31-year-old living in Virginia who apparently got completely wasted last Saturday night, passed out on the couch, and woke up to find a bevy of dicks drawn on his face.

Ha-ha. A bevy of dicks!

Except Watson wasn't laughing. He wasn't quietly plotting a subsequent retaliatory game of Hide the Dookie. He didn't hazily acknowledge Owww, my head, I should probably get off the couch and move to my bed like a grown man and then later rethink this whole weekend warrior approach to "fun" because I now have DICKS ALL OVER MY FACE.

No, instead, Watson reportedly did something very messed up.

From ARLnow:

Police say that Watson, suspecting his roommate, ran upstairs to where the roommate was sleeping and jumped on top of him, repeatedly punching him in the face. The commotion awakened a third roommate, who managed to separate the two.

The victim reportedly waited about an hour and a half to call the police while deciding whether or not to press charges. He did end up calling for help and police charged Watson with malicious wounding. The injured man's eye was swollen shut and bleeding, so the third roommate drove him to the hospital for treatment, according to police.

The local ABC affiliate reports that the Watson was subsequently arrested, charged with malicious wounding, is being held without bond.

But have they let him wash his face?

[ARLnow // Photo courtesy of Arlington County Police Department]

Have you ever watched a movie in which an inanimate object comes to life or a human being switches bodies with an animal and thought to yourself "I wonder what it would be like if that actually happened?"

E! has taken that hypothetical a degree further, asking "I wonder what it would look like if that golden lab turned into a human...and someone gave it its own reality show?"

On Tuesday, the network unveiled the full trailer for Ryan Lochte's new reality show What Would Ryan Lochte Do? (the answer, almost certainly, is that he has no idea). It looks, frankly, amazing. Ryan Lochte is Newlyweds season 1-era Jessica Simpson with Hulk strength. He is Pauly D from Jersey Shore without the nuance and self-awareness. He is Britney & Kevin: Chaotic, but in a swimming pool.

Throughout the four-and-a-half minute teaser, Ryan Lochte demonstrates a misunderstanding of the English language that is positively Rugrats-esque in its consistency. He speaks, not so much in malapropisms, as in a language that—while almost certainly in the same linguistic family—is not quite English.

Here's Ryan Lochte on the pronunciation of his signature battle cry "Jeah":

"If you say it like how it's spelled it's jee-uh. But that's…BORING. No one wants a' hear that. So you have to really put the enfidence on that J."

In a later clip, Ryan Lochte holds a shoe in his hand. "Don't duplicate," he warns, with a point of his finger. "Just recipitate."

As the trailer bounces along, we watch Ryan Lochte at da club. We watch him at da crib. We watch him on da verdant putting green. At one point, before he launches into a theory of romance too broad for any greeting card, giant block letters describe him as "THE ETERNAL OPTIMIST." It's hard not to interpret the phrase as E!'s euphemism for mental incapacitation.

All these ingredients could add up to a spectacle that feels a little sad, a little cruel. And yet, at least in trailer form, What Would Ryan Lochte Do? is joyous. "Eternally optimistic," if you will.

What we see in these clips is a Ryan Lochte who loves being Ryan Lochte; who, more specifically, loves being Ryan Lochte on television #JEAH.

You can almost picture him tuning into the premiere from his tricked out bachelor pad condo (probably on a waterbed), pointing at the screen and yelling "Ryan Lochte!" the way dogs bark at images of dogs during commercials.

"Ryan Lochte?" he'll wonder, as he darts back and forth behind the TV, in front of the TV, behind the TV, in front of it, trying to figure out where the smaller Ryan Lochte is standing.

"Ryan Lochte Ryan Lochte!" he will cry, pawing at the screen with his giant hands.

Then the image will cut over to something else. He'll shrug his shoulders and sit down.

"That was weird," he'll chuckle to the room. "I thought I saw Ryan Lochte."

At one point, Ryan Lochte blows on his mom's head for no reason.

I mean, it just looks crazy.

[via E! // h/t Deadspin]

British actor Clive Mantle, best known stateside for playing Greatjon Umber on HBO's Game of Thrones, was brutally attacked by two men outside a hotel early Sunday morning in Newcastle, England. The incident occurred after the six-foot, five-inch actor asked fellow guests at a Travelodge to keep the noise down. The two rambunctious guests disagreed with Mantle and, rather than quieting down, decided instead to bite the actor's ear off.

As Bryn Newton, Mantle's agent, described it to the Mirror UK (so, grain of salt warning):

His agent, Bryn Newton, said: "On the first occasion, he'd said ‘can you keep the noise down please?' He was very polite. It was 4.30 in the morning and he was very tired. He returned to bed but when he went back outside there were two drunken Scotsmen. He said to them ‘If you don't keep the noise down I am going to call security' That's when they set about him. Even though he is a big guy they got him on the ground."

"One of them bit the top part of his right ear off. It was savage."

The ear was later reattached at Newcastle's Royal Victoria Infirmary. One of the actor's reps told the BBC: "He is very shaken and shocked by what has happened, you don't expect this kind of thing to happen in a hotel...Mr Mantle said the police, ambulance and hospital staff were amazing."

Two 32-year-old men were arrested. One was not charged and the other was released on bail, and police are still investigating incident.

As the New York Daily News notes, Mantle's character on Game of Thrones also lost key body parts in a biting attack; Greatjon Umber had two fingers bitten off by a direwolf, which isn't quite the same thing as a drunk Scotsman but close enough.

Judge Judy is the hissing 70-year-old arbitrator atop the long-running TV show of the same name. Her son, on the other hand, is still a real lawyer, and he's currently embroiled in a very public scandal his mother's tough talk—and reported $40 million annual salary—can't alleviate.

The locale for our tale is Putnam County, New York, where Adam Levy, Judy's son, is the district attorney. Levy is friends with a Romanian immigrant named Alexandru Hossu, who last week was arrested in Putnam County on charges alleging he raped a 12-year-old girl twice in 2010. Levy quickly recused himself from Hossu's case, admitting that Hossu was once his personal trainer, and that Hossu even lived with him up until six months ago. Nevertheless, local sheriff Donald Smith is now accusing Levy of continuing to try and manipulate Hossu's case from afar.

"He is apparently trying to influence and affect the investigation," Smith told the Associated Press, "which could be perceived as an ethical violation of his official duties and perhaps even as an attempt to undermine it."

While it remains a bit unclear what Smith believes Levy's office did to help Hossu, the sheriff is saying that even Levy commenting on Hossu's case was done so as an attempt to distract people "from what this case is really about: the vicious rape of a little girl by a man whom he housed and hired as his personal fitness trainer." Smith also says he wants a federal investigation into whether anyone—Levy or not—"harbored, shielded, aided or abetted" Hossu after his alleged crimes.

Even if he isn't guilty of rape, Hossu is in the country illegally since his work visa expired 12 years ago, another violation Smith is using to hammer Levy.

In response to Smith's attacks, Levy, who says he only became aware of Hossu's immigration status last week, issued a two-paragraph statement last night, part of which read, "Despite Sheriff Smith's unfounded allegations and misstatements, the facts will show my office acted properly in every aspect of the investigation."

USA Today reports that Levy and Smith's public feuding goes back to last year, when the two men clashed over traffic-ticket procedures:

Levy and Smith began feuding openly last summer when Levy moved to let town and village attorneys plea-bargain traffic tickets issued by deputies over Smith's objections. Eventually, Levy got the better of the argument; town and village attorneys now handle traffic tickets in all municipalities except Cold Spring, which has no village attorney.

As these grown men bicker, let's hope that somewhere there is a public servant who is actually taking care of a little girl who was raped.

[Alexandru Hossu mugshot via Putnam County Sheriff's Department]

Early Tuesday evening, a teenager celebrating his 18th birthday was hit and killed by subway train on Manhattan's Upper West Side as he and his two friends attempted to cross the tracks. One friend made it across while the other still hadn't left the other platform. According to the New York Daily News, both surviving teens saw the train hit their friend, their knees buckling at the sight.

Witnesses described a gruesome scene.

"He got smacked by a 2 express train," said Bronx resident Anthony Escobar, 36. "He got fried and mangled."
…

"I heard the conductor yell, like give out a scream or a moan," said John D'Alessandro, who was in the first car of the train.

The subway came to a screeching halt and lost its power. Panicked passengers waited anxiously in the dark for more than an hour, as cops and firefighters tried to salvage the victim's body.

"I saw the arms, blood on the hands," said Leola Browder, 28. "Some people were upset and scared. Others were more worried about going where they had to go."

NBC New York reports the teen and his friends, all from Long Island, were on their way back to Penn Station when they realized they were on the wrong platform. Instead of walking up the stairs to the other side, the teenagers attempted to cross the tracks, ignoring the shouts from other straphangers. At that same time a northbound 2 train was entering the station. The motorman spotted the teenagers and tried to slow the train, but by that time it was too late; the train clipped the 18 year old, who died at the scene.

[NBC New York/New York Post/Image via Shutterstock]

A massive sinkhole apparently brought on by heavy rain opened up in Shezhen, China, swallowing a security guard alive and causing nearby residents to evacuate. Yang Jiabin, 25, was walking in the Futian district near new construction yesterday afternoon when the ground gave way beneath him, opening into a 26 foot-wide, 52 foot-deep crater; despite the quick arrival of rescue workers, he reportedly died on-scene. The incident was capture on two closed-circuit TV cameras, and video was quickly uploaded to the Chinese sharing site Youku:

Earlier this year, a sinkhole nearly 1,000 feet wide opened in Guangzhou, another city in the Guangdong province; over two months last year, there were nearly 100 in Beijing. As in Florida—where, yesterday, another sinkhole opened near the one that killed a man earlier this month—rapid and poorly-planned development is said to be a major factor in the epidemic.

[Youku | Beijing Cream | IBT; images via AFP / Getty]

Jose Martinez's lawyer says it took the quadriplegic man three hours to medically stabilize after he was left stranded on Disneyland's infamous "It's A Small World" ride, with the ride's equally infamous theme song blaring in the background the entire time.

According to attorney David Geffen, his client was the only park patron left aboard the ride after it suddenly broke down during Martinez's visit four years ago.

Geffen said staffers never bothered to call firefighters to help extract Martinez, who suffers from high blood pressure and is prone to panic attacks.

Worse still, he needed to urinate something awful.

"He was half in the [Goodbye Room] of the ride and half out," Geffen told the San Francisco Chronicle. "The music was blaring. They couldn't get it to go off."

Martinez and his wife had no choice but to sit tight for over thirty minutes while maintenance workers attempted to get the ride going again.

For its part, Disneyland says it "provided appropriate assistance" to the stranded couple, but a Santa Ana court sided with Martinez in his claim that the park violated disability law, and awarded him $8,000 for his pain and suffering.

[screengrab via CBS LA]

In his first public speech since he stepped down, former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for the extramarital affair that led to his departure. "I regret—and apologize for—the circumstances that led to my resignation from the CIA and caused such pain for my family, friends and supporters," he told the audience of 600, including his wife and many decorated veterans, at the University of Southern California's annual ROTC dinner.

Petraeus, who, unlike other high-profile officials caught having affairs, never tried to fib his way out of the accusations, is evidently trying to clear the air and move on:

"Needless to say, I join you keenly aware that I am regarded in a different light now than I was a year ago. I am also keenly aware that the reason for my recent journey was my own doing. So please allow me to begin my remarks this evening by reiterating how deeply I regret – and apologize for – the circumstances that led to my resignation from the CIA and caused such pain for my family, friends and supporters."

While he began his speech by apologizing for the affair, the retired four-star general focused his talk on the hardships faced by veterans. While refraining from criticizing current practices, he said that veterans and soldiers needed better treatment stateside:

"There's often a view that because an individual was a great soldier, he or she will naturally do well in civilian world. In reality, the transition from military service to civilian pursuits is often quite challenging… While our country continues to improve its support and recognition for all of our veterans and their families, we can and must do more."

For his speech, Petraeus was given a standing ovation. He then was allowed to cut a cake with a sword (in military tradition) and the President of USC, C. L. Max Nikias, presented him with a gift of silver cufflinks.

[Huffington Post, image via Getty]

Mad Men star Jon Hamm is furious about being treated like a walking wang.

"They're called 'privates' for a reason," Hamm tells Rolling Stone in an interview for his first solo cover story.

Hamm's hogg was recently in the headlines for distracting staffers on the set of his AMC show.

"The season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination," an AMC mole told the Daily News. "John's impressive anatomy is so distracting that they politely insisted on underwear."

"I'm wearing pants, for fuck's sake. Lay off," Hamm fires back in his Rolling Stone sitdown. "I mean, it's not like I'm a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn't part of the deal."

Still, even Hamm can appreciate that there are worse things in the world than having a large penis.

"Whatever," he says. "I guess it's better than being called out for the opposite."

[image via Rolling Stone]

Spring is in the air. The birds are birding. The bees are abuzz. And somewhere out in America's dusty far reaches, a red-faced college administrator is trying to censor a rather tame "Sex Issue" of a college newspaper.

The current episode of this oft-repeated story takes place at the Hot Sexxxy Central New Mexico Community College, where the administration "went ballistic" over the sex issue of the student paper, the CNM Chronicle, yanked it from campus, and shut down the paper's entire newsroom pending an administrative review.

What does this offensive sex issue have in it? Eh, "Your Favorite Sex Position" ("The figure eight," is one student's. Tell me more), stuff about the rainbow spectrum of sexuality, BDSM for beginners, finding the right sex toy, and a nod to abstinence. The usual. There aren't even any filthy porn photos like you would find at trashier schools like Harvard. You can read the whole issue here. Are you scandalized? Then you may be a New Mexico community college administrator who struggles every day to push inappropriate thoughts about lithe young 19-year-old student bodies and their hot, hot cocks out of your mind. Which is fine, but don't take it out on student journalists.

The sooner America's college administrators can come to terms with hot, hot cocks, the sooner we can move past this unfortunate recurring story.

[Romenesko]

According to a Gallup poll, the city with the best well-being in all of America is Lincoln, Nebraska. With a proud composite score of 72.8 on Gallup's well-being index, Lincoln beat out the perhaps more natural choice of sunny destination city Boulder, Colorado by one-tenth of a point. Another mountain gem Burlington, Vermont followed close behind. Lincoln, on the other hand, was originally settled because of proximate salt flats and marshes.

Provo-Orem, Utah, and Fort Collins-Loveland, Colorado round out the top five cities with the highest well-being in the U.S. Barnstable Town, Massachusetts, then Honolulu, Ann Arbor, the Washington DC metro area, and Paso Robles, California complete the top ten. Bottoming out at 60.8 in composite score, Charleston, W.V. claimed the lowest well-being score for American cities.

Of the 189 metropolitan areas surveyed, Gallup compiled at least 300 completed surveys from each area. The well-being index involves six sub-indexes, which individually measure life evaluation, emotional health, physical health, healthy behaviors, work environment, and access to basic necessities.

Island gateway Honolulu continued to hold onto its position of best emotional health. Lakeside college city Ann Arbor won for life evaluation, while old salt marsh encrusted Lincoln boasted the best work environment. While the physically healthiest group was jaunting about (possibly on ponies) in horse-country Charlottesville, Virginia, the city with the healthiest behavior (and presumable smugness about these behaviors) was Salinas, California.

For top metro areas the nation's capital won with 71.3, just beating out San Francisco-Oakland-Fremont area. The worst well-being index for metro area was held by humid wasteland Tampa-St. Petersburg-Clearwater, Florida, which displaced American capital of regretful hangovers Las Vegas-Paradise, Nevada.

And the top-ten cities for well-being in bullet point form, in case you use this list to relocate every year or plan your travels or something:

• Lincoln, NE | 72.8
• Boulder, CO | 72.7
• Burlington-South Burlington, VT | 72.4
• Provo-Orem, UT | 71.7
• Fort Collins-Loveland, CO | 71.6
• Barnstable Town, MA | 71.5
• Honolulu, HI | 71.5
• Ann Arbor, MI | 71.4
• Washington-Arlington-Alexandria, DC-VA-MD | 71.3
• San Luis Obispo-Paso Robles, CA | 71.2

[Gallup, image via Shutterstock/Katherine Welles]

When Jennifer Maldonado opted out of her office's lottery pool, she figured it was no big deal.

Turns out, she was off by about $1 million.

Having just started working as an administrative assistant at Keller Williams Partner Realty in Plantation, Florida, Maldonado was still waiting on her first paycheck and decided not to chip into the Powerball pool.

Her boss, Laurie Finkelstein Reader, even offered to lend Maldonado the buy-in, but she turned her down.

This past Sunday, Maldonado arrived at the real estate agency to find her 12 coworkers celebrating their heads off.

"I knew I was the only one who hadn't put in the money, so I thought they were pranking me and going out of their way to make me feel something," Maldonado told the Miami Herald.

But Finkelstein Reader soon gave her the good/bad news: The team had won $1 million with five matching numbers.

After tax, that comes out to just over $83,000 a piece.

Maldonado bad luck may have kept her out of the office pool — but her good luck brought her to that particular office in the first place.

Working as a team, the employees of Keller Williams decided to put aside some of their winnings for Maldonado.

"As a team we put together a fat pile of money," said Finkelstein Reader. "If we do the right thing and always care about other people, the right thing will happen to us."

And Finkelstein Reader knows what she's talking about.

While purchasing the tickets, a misunderstanding led to her receiving only half the tickets she requested.

However, before she was able to complete her transaction, an impatient man behind her in line cut ahead and purchased his own batch of Powerball tickets.

It was only afterwards that Finkelstein Reader's second batch of tickets was printed out.

And, wouldn't you know it, the second batch contained the winning ticket.

"We wouldn't have won if it wasn't for that," she said.

[photo via Shutterstock]